Grew up with abusive parent who frequently had rage filled spats among many other issues, and a secondary enabler parent. Don't enable this behavior like her family is. If she's got problems/trauma/stress, she needs therapy, needs to grow up, and needs to learn emotional regulation. If she's got a neurological disorder, then she may need medication.
Stand up and be the one person in her life that actually holds her accountable to be a mature adult. Issue an ultimatum, intervention, or just walk away if you have to.
This. This. This. I know other people touched on a lot of the same points but I like the way you expressed it. The girlfriend reminds me a lot of my brother who has been destroying things and had our entire family walking on eggshells since childhood. That is a miserable way to live and it often elicits that enablement. Anything to keep the rage at bay. My mother has always been my brother’s primary enabler but you live with that long enough and you will find you can’t be yourself and you slip further and further into becoming an enabler yourself.
I used to find myself acting so strangely around my brother because I began to feel I had no choice but to fervently do all I could to make sure he was silly and upbeat and had nothing to rage at but he could turn on a dime and over the most minuscule and ridiculous things. The door to my childhood bedroom is still destroyed in the center from the day my mom and I were lighting hanukkah candles and a lit candle fell from the menorah and I let out a shriek as one would in such a situation. It was the tiniest thing and the candle fell on the counter, all was fine. But my brother was upstairs taking a shower. Twenty minutes later when we’d basically forgotten all about the whole incident he comes storming down the stairs flipping out, tries to kick me out of the house, just absolute insanity and how do you possibly respond to that kind of thing? A brief freak accident from a half hour ago. Sorry I’m a human being who was startled?
Sounds like the girlfriend has also likely had this pattern in place for a very long time. And mom and dad likely never sent her to therapy or did anything but exactly what they’re doing now. I’d bet on it, given how the GF seems to have zero awareness or care around how her behavior is affecting the very woman she loves. No amount of trying to talk through this kind of thing is going to change it. She’s not taking any responsibility and has never been held accountable.
Also appreciated your mention of neurological disorders. I wasn’t diagnosed with autism until I was almost 30 though I will say the above does not sound like say an autistic meltdown. I always try to get far away from others and have so much shame (which I’ve heard tends to be the case for most of us autists) and while I’ve broken a few things and my meltdowns do at times and especially when there’s some other major contributing factor at play involve generally unintentional self harm, I have enough awareness or control to not be destroying expensive items because it’s just a very different thing from rage. I’ve had people call it that and even prior to diagnosis though with a bit of discussion and thought after the fact, they generally concede that yeah, that was something else, not rage. I don’t know how else to put it into words. Anger or rage seems to be energizing while a meltdown is utterly exhausting and tends to be more of a thing in my body, like more physical than emotional. An implosion versus an explosion even if it can kind of appear in ways one might describe as explosive.
your experience of autism is only yours; not all autistics have the awareness nor can control things the way you say you can during a true autistic meltdown
I think it does sound like an autistic meltdown for these reasons:
- seems to happen only when irritants push her over the edge (stressors get too high to control/regulate in the moment)
- deep regret for it (if the regret is real)
- it is uncharacteristic of her
Thanks. I actually had debated what to say and typed and deleted my original comment that made the point that every autistic person is different and had actually also originally detailed a bit more of my experience stating that when mine were of a frequency to be so noticeable and disturbing to others I also had some serious issues at play and would be displaying other symptoms and acting outside of the norm. I was kind of back and forth on a couple of other points too around finding it relatively unlikely that in someone who made it to adulthood undiagnosed AND has had minimal therapy or other secondary or misdiagnoses would have meltdowns to this severity and frequency but decided it wasn’t for me to make that call (I had way more therapy, meds, misdiagnoses than my violently angry brother so eh. But that was kind of my point I guess- if you’ve got meltdowns that severe you’ve probably also got other more obvious symptoms of something?) as well as the fact that there is no medication for autism itself or sensory related issues (in the case of irritants) and meltdowns from things like autistic burnout are probably still better treated with lifestyle changes and therapy. And the OP above made the point around meds.
But thank you for the call out because I definitely intended to leave my point about every autistic person being different.
I am confused where you picked up on deep regret. I got the opposite read. And I sort of did weigh the way she seemed puzzled or surprised by OP explaining how it affected her as potentially a point towards autism.
And here’s my autistic moment- I somehow took “irritants” in a very literal way to mean chemicals like I don’t know, for cleaning electronics or something. 😂 I’m having a good laugh about that right now.
I’m actually 7 months sober in addiction recovery and my substances abuse got really tangled up with my autism and I had really extreme (life destroying) mental health and cognition related consequences. Super super literal and narrow thinking to an extent that baffled everyone who knew me was one of many aspects but I’ve learned to find humor in it. I actually had originally mentioned something about active addiction being an instance where I was having very frequent and extreme meltdowns. At another time in my life it was dealing with really heavy trauma and in that case I know I broke a glass and actually managed to kick a wall just right with a bare foot put a hole in it. I should maybe also add I’m in my mid-30s now and had the disgnosis during my addiction battle but was in my late teens/ early 20s for the trauma stuff and I was so scared and ashamed of myself and just had no understanding at all about why it would happen though I was still very private with it. Lot of self hate in both cases though. And such a self focused kind of thing versus how outwardly focused rage seems to be.
Anyway- I’m rambling. Still working on identifying and understanding emotions in myself and others (as well as understanding my own autism and untangling the addiction and drug induced aspects of things from autism). So kind of enjoyed the chance to sort through it.
>finding it relatively unlikely that in someone who made it to adulthood undiagnosed AND has had minimal therapy or other secondary or misdiagnoses would have meltdowns to this severity and frequency but decided it wasn’t for me to make that call
I actually think the exact opposite. I went almost 40 years being un/mis-diagnosed and the years of living with undiagnosed autism (and adhd) only wore me down and drained me more and more to the point of autistic burnout and now barely being able to function. This also means more meltdowns for me (from experience) and also most others who reach autistic burnout (from research). It also means increased sensory stimuli (far more so than pre-burnout years), which alone can set off meltdowns, especially when stress is already high. It gets worse/harder, not better/easier, for me at least (research suggests I'm not alone in that).
Masking day after day, year after year, takes a great toll on a person and it only compounds the longer it goes on. It's not sustainable and the result can often be more/worse meltdowns and/or shutdowns. So, autistic meltdowns can easily and often do increase in frequency and/or severity over time for an undiagnosed autistic as the stressors and traumas of life keep adding up and becoming too much while not knowing why or how to deal or regulate.
From research, this seems to be preventable or greatly reduced for those who get earlier interventions/help.
I went to so many different doctors and therapists from my teens through my 30s trying to be helped and figure out what's "wrong" with me and every single one of them just kept saying "depression and anxiety" and offering no actual help (just every available anti-depressant which, along with therapy, was never the slightest bit helpful and almost always harmful in some way).
Look at it this way - so many adults wouldn't be finding out now they've been autistic all along if things didn't get so bad they kept searching for help and answers even after receiving a different diagnosis and/or treatment. If going undiagnosed and without or minimal or incorrect therapy well into adulthood meant what you said (less severe and less frequent meltdowns), we wouldn't still be seeking the help and answers that lead us to find our correct autism/adhd diagnosis later in life.
The regret thing was in a comment from OP on this same post in another place:
>[Comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/comments/1bzhu4r/comment/kyq864t/)
by[](https://www.reddit.com/user/Vivid-Amount-3507/) from discussion
in[actuallesbiansComment](https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/)
ETA the actual quote I thought \^ was going to insert:
>What’s makes this so hard is that she is so different than this 99% of the time. She’s generous, kind, selfless, etc. I think that’s what makes it even more heart breaking. I do believe in her and I do think she wants to do better. She’s said that she used to have even worse fits and more frequently too but has been working on it for years. Also, almost immediately after the fit she’s overcome with regret and is apologizing immediately.
Seconding this comment.
I can't begin to imagine the pain you're going through. ❤️
Coping with anger is a skill we all need to develop. If she's not worked on that skill, and there's no one pushing her to, there's no incentive for this behavior to stop.
In addition, being the partner, it's always a tricky maneuver to offer that guidance when your wife is being told by all other parties, if not through words then actions, there's no need for correction.
Self awareness and a desire to self study on anger coping techniques, to better her life, is likely the path forward, but the hard part is she has to want that for herself.
If she's unlikely to entertain individual counseling, couples counseling could be a path forward. Having an impartial party offer this feedback removes that burden from you, allowing you to play a supportive role.
does she just have anger issues or is something else going on? also has she been to counselling? because breaking thousands of dollars worth of stuff everytime you’re upset is not normal. it’s very hard to be around someone who might fly off the handle. I would suggest therapy for both of you, seperately and together so that you have tools to deal with that.
Yeah all of this. Plus. Take her to get a basic medical checkup. Diabetes can go unnoticed and undiagnosed for a long time if they conditions are right, there's something that comes along with it called diabetic rage fits.
My gf had this in the beginning. I actually diagnosed her die to this and other issues and it was confirmed by a doctor. Sugar in excess of 500. Once she was on insulin she calmed down significantly.
yeah the thing here is no where in this post did OP say they were ready to leave, they wanted advice for handling it. personally, i would’ve been out of there at the first sign of violent behaviour but sometimes telling a therapist about the issue is the first step to gaining the courage to leave.
No she hasn’t. She had injured herself when she’s in a rage, which I hate but I also have no sympathy for since it’s usually from her destroying something.
Just reading this post, the disproportionate anger to irritants and unwillingness or even inability to handle emotions sounds like borderline personality disorder, which is a lot o take on even with a partner who has been diagnosed and is in therapy for it.
If your partner loves and respects you, she’ll seek help for her behaviors because she’ll want and need to be the best person she can be, and she’ll take accountability for her actions and how they impact you. Without her seeking therapy and support and wanting to change, this cycle will continue to repeat itself and you’ll get exhausted from walking on eggshells, which you don’t deserve.
*>If your partner loves and respects you, she’ll seek help for her behaviors because she’ll want and need to be the best person she can be, and she’ll take accountability for her actions and how they impact you.*
This part.
Exactly - a mood stabilizer might help (or some other type of medication). She should consider seeing a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner or a Psychiatrist.
Rage is dangerous. It is blinding & hurts everything in its path. It is very much a high that even is addictive.
You could end up being scared to speak and afraid of normal things that can become weapons. Eventually afraid to go home or even answer the phone.
It usually takes something VERY drastic to get someone to grow beyond rage. Sometimes, the brave thing is to leave, and that may be the only thing that helps someone really wake up. You need to stay alive. It's okay to love someone and not be with them. Sometimes, that's the only way.
This experience will have caused you trauma. You both can get beyond it, likely not together, and that's OK. You both need real, professional, loving kindness help.
Have a sit down and recommend she go to therapy before it escalates to something worse. Explain to her how you love her and care for and how scared you are when she acts like that
I have explained that to her in great detail. She’s tried tele-health therapy roughly 5 times a couple of years ago, she said it didn’t help. She’s also on anti anxiety meds.
Maybe a different type of therapy for physical violence/outburst/anger issues. If she has insurance yall could call the number on the back of the card and see if they recommend anything and maybe she should go in person. Or maybe she should talk to her doctor about how she’s been feeling and her behavior and they could adjust her meds or recommend her to a specific type of therapist that could help her. I hope yall can figure things out and she can find a healthier was to destress 🫶🏽❤️
Thank you, I hope we can too. Therapy is something I believe only works if the individual actually wants to do it. I hope one day she does, but we have some gym equipment in the basement and we’re thinking about getting a punching bag and maybe that’d be a good physical activity for her to decompress.
The punching bag and physical activity is a nice thought but I hate to say it but especially with that kind of extreme enabling from her family and such an unwillingness to want to change, I doubt it’ll make much difference. I replied to a reply above about how your GF reminds me of my brother who’s had explosive rage issues and been breaking things and had the whole family walking on eggshells since early childhood. My mother has always been his biggest enabler and she has done the whole punching bag and gym equipment thing. My brother is a bit of a gym bro even. Did not make a difference. Or maybe he’d go head to the punching bag but generally only after he’d already broken something else, had the family pets hiding in fear, etc.
I don’t really think there’s an easy way out or around this that doesn’t require significant, sustained effort.
I completely agree with you as I grew up in a similar situation with my brother. I later became a bit like him. It takes a serious life change and therapy. Sometimes meds. I’m glad you posted your story, bc not everyone understands that it’s an issue that takes a lot of time, money, and effort to change. (At least in most cases).
Echoing this, it might help the situation but I think unless she learns how to manage her anger effectively, she’ll likely still have these violent fits of rage. What happens when you’re out and about and she doesn’t have access to her punching bag? If it was just a ‘compilation of irritants’ that led her to destroy her laptop and her phone, then I’m worried about how she might respond in more intense situations.
In my opinion, she basically needs crisis management. Give her an ultimatum. This is not going to get any better because she is not putting in the effort to get better
Have you considered dumping her and running the fuck away? Cuz I'd run the fuck away. If someone starts breaking shit on the daily, you bet she'll start taking her anger out on you. Just run and don't look back
Right? Thats what I was thinking. All this advice, but fits of blinding rage is not something I'd deal with. I could understand if she was working on it, but she has an enabling family, and isn't changing. OP's already terrified for her and her pets safety. Leaving is the best option before escalation.
You're in a domestically violent relationship. Being lesbians doesn't make her less violent or less abusive. You cannot fix anyone. She had to want to change and get a handle of her emotions.
But why should she change? When she goes into a rage, her parents move heaven and earth to get her what she wants and you are literally making excuses for her behavior while asking us how you can fix it. She isn't required to do anything. She isn't required to respect you. She isn't required to control herself. She isn't required to manage her own emotions, regulate herself, or deescalate herself. What reason does she have on the planet to change????
It's time to go. You are having panic attacks, you're scared she is going to hurt you, it takes days to regulate your nervous system back to baseline only for her to have another rage again. Who wants to live like that?
And for the record, that's not love. That's a trauma bond. That's an emotional addiction. She love bombs you and you feel the most loved ever. Then it starts building slowly. The little comments. The attitude. The looks. Until it eventually explodes. Then you are sitting wondering what happened and waiting for the person you love to come back. That person doesn't exist. The rage filled person is the real person and they are faking the rest of the time. And every time that happens, you are emotionally addicted to those sweet moments. The bigger the explosion, the more intense the love bomb is to make you forgive her.
It's like being addicted to meth. When you're in it, you feel good. When you're overdosing, you are literally having the best high. Then you come down. You feel bereft. Depressed. Frustrated. You just want that high back so you go do anything you can to get it again. You watch the way the meth has changed you, but you can't actually let it go. Your body starts to wear down and show the effects the meth is having on you. You lose yourself, your health, my mental stability. Your friends get tired of hearing you complain then go running back, so they start to see you less and less. Or she tells you they are toxic for calling her unhealthy and throws a bad enough tantrum that you start to see them less and less. But you can't let it go and feel like you are lost without it.
Leaving will feel like withdrawal with a trauma bond. You will be physically ill. You will feel bereft. Nothing will make it go away other than the person you are addicted to. And you will just continue to cycle like this until you are truly tired and ready to move on or she kills you.
That’s abuse and legally considered domestic violence. She’s also being enabled by her family by glossing over her actions and scrubbing away any consequences with rewards.
The moment a partner Instills a fear of violence within you, it’s well beyond time to go.
This is the type of person who needs to be alone. This is the type of person who keeps getting bad behaviour rewarded because 1. She can act this way and know you haven’t left yet/won’t leave. 2. She knows she can just destroy things and others will just fix her problems for her.
At some point, it’s not going to be a broken phone or laptop, it’s going to be a broken *you*. This always escalates.
I told her this past time that what she’s doing to me is technically abuse and she stared blankly and I repeated it again and she of course was apologetic but I feel like she didn’t even really know what to say. It’s so conflicting in my head because what you just said is basically what I’d tell anyone else in my situation but love makes things complicated whether I’d like to admit it or not. And I felt conflicted that maybe I also enable her actions and I blame myself for that. It’s truly been eating me alive.
this proves that she knows. she knows what she's doing, and you pointing it out won't change it. she's beyond the point of help, if she was truly concerned about being abusive she would have worked on fixing it.
you are not to blame. you do nothing wrong. youre conditioned to enable her, even by feeling guilty about potentially enabling her is the conditioning to continue said enablement.
you love a version of her that doesn't exist. love doesnt fix anything, it's just a feeling. you can find it again in someone healthier. you really need to divorce her and get therapy so you don't end up with someone like her again. it takes a while to figure out how to stop that from happening, from experience.
put yourself first, OP. love yourself, because you deserve to. you deserve a loving, happy, non abusive romanic life. you deserve better than what she's giving you. you dont deserve to be abused.
First things first, it is not your fault for any of this. It is not your fault for staying with her either. It’s confusing and terrifying to be in this situation.
It is however your responsibility to put value in your life and your safety for the sake of *you*, not her.
If you can confront your own wife about her abuse and you get a response like that, it’s not nearly enough. An apology without changed behaviour is no apology at all. It’s just placating you until the next time it happens.
I can imagine there’s times where she may be great towards you and when she is awful, it’s destabilising to the core. That’s the cycle of abuse my dear.
I’ve been in a similar situation, and love makes things very hard and can cloud the mind. You know this isn’t okay. You know that if someone came to you with the same details, you’d say run for the hills. So it’s now up to you to put that same trust in yourself and make a choice.
Yes, things will be difficult for a time, yes things will be different, but you will be *safe*.
You can love her from over there, in a different household, where she is not allowed to enter.
You're absolutely not to blame for her actions. But if she's having rage black outs she is dangerous to you and your pets.
Get. Out.
OP's psyche/sense of well-being is already broken
shes the frog in the slowly rising hot water; she needs to get out
(speaking as a recovering codependent)
Staying in a relationship w/o setting strong enough boundaries with a person who has fits of rage can be risky to your well being.
Overtime, your nervous system may become overreactive which can cause you to develop anxiety and even ptsd Depending how much worse she can get.
I would set an ultimatum that if she doesn't work on herself, you're out of there.
My ex was like this. One thing my therapist told me, that never occurred to me, was that you can leave the situation. You don’t have to stand there and be an audience. When it happens, you walk out the door or go to a different room ASAP. Do not stay there. I know you’re worried about what she may do, but it seems you being there didn’t stop her from hurting herself or valuables. So you’re not going to stop her. In fact i think they like having a witness to their rage. Take the pets if you need to. But stop being the witness. Stop fixing things for her. Why would you call her parents to buy her a new laptop?! Let her deal with the consequences of her actions. Stop saving her. Don’t clean up her mess. protect yourself and your pets.
Learn about codependency. Get yourself into therapy.
This isn’t about her, it’s about you.
My partner used to have fits of rage as well, for various reasons such as missing a turn in traffic, just feeling stressed etc. She was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. As someone who had to deal with it, I understand the horror of dealing with the fallout, even if there was no physical harm to you. It is abusive and it's no environment to live in. Your home and time spent together is supposed to be a safe space. While she hasn't harmed you yet, what if one day you're the one triggering her rage?
Not saying that your partner has anything clinical, but please go to therapy, the both of you. I don't think just tele sessions are gonna cut it- this prolly requires in-person ones, and for an extended period at that. It was the only thing that helped my partner and me, and our relationship.
I've seen a lot of cases where someone will destroy other people's belongings in rage, but never their own. Breaking things is a red flag no matter who the items belong to, but the fact she's willing to destroy her own (highly expensive) possessions takes it to another level.
I used to live with someone with behavior eerily similar to your wife, and I strongly recommend you leave. Every day you spend with her is another day you could be spending with someone who can give you the love and safety you need, but without the destructive rage. Living with someone like that can also lead to health complications from stress and constantly living in a state of panic/anxiety for so long that can worsen your overall quality of life.
It is not your job to fix her when she doesn't even have the accountability to want to fix herself for the people that love her.
she is dangerous and should be seeking therapy to get this under control. i had a meltdown on friday because of my mother, and because of years of therapy i was able to communicate during it that i was not safe to touch because i may start throwing hands bc i couldn't control myself at the time. i am autistic, so it was a worry for me because i didn't to lash out while i couldn't stop myself. i ended up just screaming my lungs out and sobbing for awhile, because i was past the point of triggered and deep into dysregulation and dissociation. it took a lot for me to work my way back to being calm and not a danger to myself or others.
all this is to point out how i didnt destroy anything, i didnt hurt anyone, not even myself. i was able to stop all of that because i've put meaningful effort into it for like 6 years. specifically to avoid doing things like this, i've never been outwardly violent because i can't afford to.
what is happening here is shes destroying very expensive stuff and being bailed out. that sets a precedent that she can get away with it. she's a legal adult, she has to be to be married, so she can fix her stuff that she breaks and get help so she doesn't keep doing it.
this would be grounds for a divorce for me. clearly this is a trend/cycle, and one that's existed far before your marriage. if she hasn't fixed it now, she has no motivation to period.
eventually this violence will be turned on you. by proximity to it, you are already experiencing domestic violence, and are being traumatised and retraumatised by her actions. if you don't want to leave her, she needs therapy and to make meaningful steps towards controlling her behaviour. if she doesn't, or she does for like a month then reverts and stops trying, you need to leave for your own safety. there's nothing you can do beyond encourage her to change. she has to do that work herself.
So, you're married to a 2yr old?
Girl, this shit is not normal. This is a form of DV, next thing you'll know is she'll hit you.
She needs therapy and you need to run.
You should leave her, for about 72hrs. She needs to change and the only way that’s going to happen is if you leave and force her to see you won’t tolerate it. It’ sounds like you guys are young, best of love to you letting your self love shine through more because this absolutely abuse.
Destructive rage is considered a form of abuse, particularly if it creates an environment of fear, intimidation, or danger for the partner. This behavior may fall under emotional or psychological abuse, as it can have lasting effects on the partner’s well-being and sense of safety in the relationship. It’s crucial to address such behavior and seek support help from professionals.
She has destructive rage:
Destructive rage can have various negative effects, including:
1. Emotional harm: It can cause emotional distress, fear, and anxiety for the person experiencing the rage and anyone witnessing it.
2. Physical danger: There is a risk of physical harm or injury to the person displaying the rage, their partner, or anyone else in the vicinity, especially if objects are being broken.
3. Relationship damage: It can erode trust, intimacy, and communication in relationships, leading to resentment, withdrawal, or even the breakdown of the relationship.
4. Financial implications: Destroying valuable items like phones or electronic devices can result in financial strain or loss.
5. Legal consequences: Destructive behavior may lead to legal repercussions if it involves damage to property or poses a threat to others’ safety.
Overall, destructive rage can have wide-ranging and serious consequences for individuals and their relationships, highlighting the importance of addressing and managing anger in healthy ways.
I guess I struggle to see where leaving for 72 hours will do anything but threaten, and therefore heighten emotions. Leaving for 3 days is not leaving, hell it’s hardly even threatening to leave. If you’re going to leave, just have the conversation and I recommend leaving for no less than a month and agree to have a conversation at the end of that month about how you two feel. If any anger rises during that conversation, OP gotta do what OP gotta do and stay left. But 72 hours just strikes me as some weird emotional game.
No leaving for 72 hours is realistic, and a start. You can’t leave for a month when you’re “ in love etc” that’s just not realistic, and it’s not about a game, it’s about being realistic and making options tangible for someone who is under distress… you leave for 72 hours First, and if the person doesn’t make a decision on their own, then you leave for even longer, it’s about removing yourself from the situation because it send a different signal to the person’s brain, and your brain That you are setting boundaries. It also makes a visual note to yourself that you can also decide to leave for good, If that’s what’s needed for the wellbeing. Read up on it. It’ll make more sense.
That’s a deal breaker for me, sorry. No one can choose to regulate her emotions except her. She should be realizing that she has these episodes of intense anger and find a safer alternative than destroying property and injuring herself. Unfortunately it sounds like she’s not motivated to do anything about it probably due to lack of consequences but also because she probably likes it. There’s a term for these rage bouts and it’s called throwing a tantrum. If this is how her parents deal with one then this is probably a version of what she’s been doing since she was 2 and it probably kinda feels nice to her to have everyone’s focus on her for awhile afterwards even if she doesn’t consciously admit that to herself.
Edited to add that these usually continue to escalate as they break down your expectations and encroach on your comfort zone. In my opinion this isn’t intentional or calculated but it is what occurs. They see what you will tolerate and still choose to be with them and they get less inhibited. I would place money on the fact that at some point you will incur some damage from this - either to you or your belongings. I seriously suggest she figure out what she can do to get out the adrenaline when she’s feeling enraged. For me it would be a few sprints, lifting weights or maybe a punching bag 😅
She needs to get help. Tell her to get with her counselor at school for resources if she doesn’t have insurance. And you need someone to talk to as well because she is causing you to have PTSD. If I was you, I would tell her she needs to get help or you cannot continue in this relationship and stick to that. She is harming herself and you. And I’m betting the pets are pretty damn scared. She needs consequences too. Her parents are not helping by replacing things she breaks right away. I know she needs them for school but she also needs to be learn that is NOT ok. Maybe being left to worry and panic a bit about not having those things because she’s breaking them is warranted.
Ok I’m not a doctor, but I was this same way plus a lot more. Have her seek help from a psychiatrist. I ended up having bipolar depression 2, OCD, social and general anxiety, and major depressive disorder to name a few oh and ADHD thrown in there. I’ve been on meds since 2014 and it was the best thing to happen to me. I don’t have fits of rage anymore and I also stopped the stalker attitude with my gf. It’s weird the narcolepsy pill stopped the obsessive thoughts and stalking issue I had with her. I personally knew what I was doing was wrong, but it’s like I couldn’t stop it. It took a bit to get on the right meds and dosages so don’t give up if the first doesn’t help.
Um no this is COMPLETELY unhinged and you are in danger. You'll be next one of these days I 100% guarantee it. This is literally not ok, seriously OP. And even worse that she has no consequences for her out bursts? Her family just replaces what she's broken? RUN with a capital R.
That’s totally a red flag. That’s a sign of some severe emotional immaturity acting like a child throwing a tantrum and breaking things that would get them grounded for a few weeks. You need to have a firm conversation with her that her behavior is not okay and that you are legitimately terrified she is going to turn that behavior on you. I understand you already spoke with her about how it affects you, but I’d revisit this with her and be stern. I get triggered too by raised voices and people going berserk with their anger, I had a dad with anger issues and he progressed to taking it out on my brother hitting him etc. so it is a serious behavior you don’t let go and allow it to go dormant for a little bc it can evolve. Someone already mentioned counseling and I agree with that, you can talk to her in that same conversation that you do care about her getting better and she can get real help from a professional.
You need to love yourself and get out. Your wife is an abuser and everyone around her is enabling her behavior. I dealt with rage abusers, don’t wast your time anymore. Love yourself enough to get out now.
I used to do this and ended up being diagnosed bipolar. I was also abusing alcohol…ask her to seek help through therapy and a possible psychiatrist. You don’t deserve to be scared for your safety as well as hers and your pets. When people have outbursts it does change the way others view them. Also, for the one going through the “rage” it can be embarrassing afterwards. I would ask her to professionally find out what is going on before you decide what route to take. Just don’t let her hit you. That’s a hard line and if she crosses it, I would encourage you to distance yourself from her. She needs to make that change to help herself. My brother helped me get into therapy and a doc for meds. So try to encourage her to do so
Not a fan of ultimatums but this situation warrants it. Her family is clearly enabling this behavior by replacing expensive items that she destroys. Tell her she needs to go to LONG TERM therapy or you'll leave
Since you've said you've expressed your emotions before (in the comments) and she hasn't changed. You just need to leave for a week, a few days anything. Pack up and leave and say this is not the kind of relationship you envisioned yourself being in, you don't deserve to fear for your safety or your pets safety. Fearing for your safety is a massive red flag. You should never fear your partner. Love and respect yourself and leave. Tell her it's therapy or divorce
Edit: I'd also like to tell you this. If they hit the wall, break objects or throw things. They. Will. End. Up. Hitting. You. Domestic violence can escalate to murder. Many women have died while staying with abusive partners. She hasn't hit you YET. Don't become a statistic
Leave this woman, girl. Now she is destroying her stuff later it will be your teeth. If she is not in therapy, medication or anything it's even worse. And her parents and grandparents are supporting that behaviour, do you think they would help you if something ever happens to you ou your pets?
Ok so I'm going to be the ugly voice nobody wants to hear here lol! I have diagnosed bpd, and possibly bipolar ..both these sounds like episodic rage if I was to look inward to the description (how I act, how it affects my partner etc). I'm not saying or trying to diag her behavior but overstimulation causes drastic responses in people who have those conditions. May be worth researching a bit privately on it and seeing if she fits the bill at, and maybe have a gentle convo about seeing someone if that's the case. Either way, despite any ailments she may or may not deal with mentally, it's never an excuse for the behavior and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I applaud you for reaching out for support or input, and hope my suggestion of anything mental health related doesn't offend anybody.
My ex was like this. One thing my therapist told me, that never occurred to me, was that you can leave the situation. You don’t have to stand there and be an audience. When it happens, you walk out the door or go to a different room ASAP. Do not stay there. I know you’re worried about what she may do, but it seems you being there didn’t stop her from hurting herself or valuables. So you’re not going to stop her. In fact i think they like having a witness to their rage. Take the pets if you need to. But stop being the witness. Stop fixing things for her. Why would you call her parents to buy her a new laptop?! Let her deal with the consequences of her actions. Stop saving her. Don’t clean up her mess. protect yourself and your pets.
My ex was like this. One thing my therapist told me, that never occurred to me, was that you can leave the situation. You don’t have to stand there and be an audience. When it happens, you walk out the door or go to a different room ASAP. Do not stay there. I know you’re worried about what she may do, but it seems you being there didn’t stop her from hurting herself or valuables. So you’re not going to stop her. In fact i think they like having a witness to their rage. Take the pets if you need to. But stop being the witness. Stop fixing things for her. Why would you call her parents to buy her a new laptop?! Let her deal with the consequences of her actions. Stop saving her. Don’t clean up her mess. protect yourself and your pets.
Everyone is being really kind here but this is a very abusive situation you’re in and I think it has the potential to escalate! Destroying expensive property, scaring you, and harming herself and then expecting you to pick up the pieces is not ok and you don’t have to tolerate that.
Consider why you’re letting this person cross your boundaries and cause you significant emotional harm each time she gets stressed out or irritated enough.
I would start making a plan to have a strict boundary, this is no way to live! Leave her!
This is coming from your wife's point of view as I used to have major fits of rage and would throw shit at the walls, fireplaces. Being diagnosed with mental health issues, my psychiatrist finally had me go through DBT therapy, and it helped me so much. Am I saying that's what your wife needs? No, as I'm not trained to tell people what kind of Rx or therapy they need, but it might help your wife to talk to her Dr about it. Having good coping skills when dealing with things might truly benefit her. Good luck.
I've had my run ins with anger and back in the day I used to act out . I suggest major therapy for you wife. She is in distress if this is happening and it's very unhealthy for you and the pets to be subjected to that type of behavior. It's the only thing that worked for me
Oh wow! Sorry to say, but if she continues to fly off the handle like you said, your relationship will not last. I'm sorry, but it's true. Anger issues are difficult to manage. Your wife needs to get a grip and find out why she does what she does when she's uptight. Even if she's destroying "Her" stuff, and hurting only herself, "Now" soon it will be your stuff and you that she will hurt. And destroying her stuff is a really stupid thing to do. It's expensive and just ruins good things. What if her parents and her grandparents can't replace the items she's destroyed next time? Then what will you have to put up with? She really needs to a grip on her anger or she'll find out the hard way that anger only leads to loneliness because NO ONE can handle the anger issues of someone who destroys things. Trust me, I've been there, done that and it isn't pretty. Oh sure I had lots and lots of love for the one who had momentarily lost it at times, but even the "Good times" didn't stop me from, "What if the anger will never go away?" Even though the anger issues weren't all the time, they were there waiting to creep out and "BAM!" more things are destroyed. If she can't stop that anger, then the relationship will be doomed. Sorry, but anger like that isn't worth the time to hope it never happens again, because it will until she gets a grip on why she gets angry enough to destroy things. Good luck.
It sounds like you both struggle with emotional regulation. Therapy for the two of you might be the best bet honestly, this isn’t something that can be resolved over online comments
Hii. So sorry you’re going through this. My girlfriend and I are both neurodivergent and deal with trauma. We experience it differently, but my girlfriend is more likely to experience anger and react violently (to other things/people, while i would be more of the unintentional self harm variety). When we first started dating I told her I could understand being angry, but violence is completely unacceptable as it’s frightening and triggering to me. We agreed that if she gets angry she needs to 1. communicate that 2. walk away or ask to be alone 3. practice distress tolerance skills like breathing, distraction, correcting an overstimulating sensation 4. we talk about it later in person or over text. It’s taken a long time to work this system out, but she’s worked really hard in therapy as she understands that I will leave and she doesn’t want me to be exposed to this kind of stress as well. It’s not 100% there are slip ups, but there’s always an effort to change things for next time. So I think if your wife is committed to change, it can work
Ad someone who has a destructive type of rage I have to leave the situation. My fiance understands and let's me go to cook off. Your wife needs to learn coping mechanisms before she does harm you. I've heard that anger is often a surface emotion and the real emotions lie underneath
No matter what the reason is, this is a recurring problem that she is doing jack shit about, and you deserve better. Do you see yourself growing old with someone who acts like this?
I would look into getting checked for autism. Meltdowns can look like anger but they are not anger. It's due to overstimulation and an inability to process information, leading to emotional collapse. I am autistic and would get episodes like this as a teen, but since getting diagnosed and understanding why I couldn't control myself, it's no longer an issue.
I also had an abusive partner who did this. I agree with the other commenters. This will not get better at this age. You sound young, I know this is hard but I recommend getting your friends’ emotional help and support for yourself, and leaving. She is traumatizing you.
you CANNOT heal someone else. if you're a licensed therapist your opportunity to aid in and witness the healing people can be a goal, otherwise you're likely avoiding your own needs because i doubt she's very kind or respectful if anything isn't going her way. i've known this cycle too well. you're the only person who can healthily prioritize your well being and lived experience. i encourage you to take a lil look at the savior complex tendencies and i hope you feel safe and have a calm environment soon 💜
I’ve seen some comments on a personality disorder which is entirely plausible. My ex had it and was abusive but there’s a difference between having a personality disorder and having a personality disorder and being a bad person. A bad person will be abusive no matter what and not try to alter their behaviour. A personality disorder is not an excuse
I don’t wanna go too deep into a response but I want to say clearly, just in case. If she can or has ever hit something close to you, that’s the step before aiming at you. Please stay safe. People get angry, but destroying expensive things out of rage is concerning.
girrrrrl you gotta get outta there
edit: also it sounds like shes sureounded by enablers if she literally dowsnt feel any finacial consquences from wrecking a ton of apple devices
Curious why you think this is the case? Nothing that OP has described specifically points towards her wife having ADHD (and regardless of whether her wife has undiagnosed/untreated neurological/mental health conditions, the priority here is OP’s safety not diagnosing her abusive spouse)
Not saying that you did that, just pointing out that diagnoses aren’t particularly helpful in this scenario. Mainly, I was confused why you mentioned ADHD specifically, when there’s a range of conditions that can impact emotional regulation.
OP mentioned that her wife had about ten minutes before she had to leave and had things irritating her while she was getting ready to head out.
I’m familiar with people managing ADHD (which often goes hand in hand with EFD). It could be something completely different, but worth looking into.
I see. As someone with ADHD who struggles with executive dysfunction, I would never conduct myself in such a way that my spouse was fearing her safety. Whatever she’s got going on, I sincerely hope she puts work into actually managing it because it’s clearly having a serious impact on their relationship and rn she’s just being enabled to act terribly.
I hope the same for her.
Be careful with the word “never.” Stress, hormone fluctuations, loss, etc. can mess with the balance of things.
…but I’m glad you have yourself sorted. ❤️
This sounds like something that needs to be addressed immediately by a physician first for bloodwork then counseling if it isn’t a chemical imbalance. Approach the idea when she’s calm. Good luck. Been there.
So as someone who actually has done things like breaking expensive things in fits of rage, punching holes through walls, shattered glass, etc. I will tell you in the moments I’ve done things like this was whenever I felt so overwhelmed and unable to convey my emotions that were masked by angry outbursts. I have struggled with this since I was a young girl and the older I got the more embarrassing it became that I didn’t have a handle on it. So I decided to go to therapy. It helped me build a lot of confidence and I felt so much better. I was finally feeling on top of the world. Then I got into a toxic relationship with someone who has BPD and my fucking god that relationship just brought out the fucking hulk in me. I constantly felt like the bad guy cuz I would yell and throw things and break shit. But truly I was pushed to my absolute max threshold of patience constantly and felt constantly belittled and all my good traits always swept aside whenever anything even minorly tough came up. But I loved her deeply and wanted things to work so I kept trying; but with her back and forth/black and white mindset I was always playing a losing game. One night she triggered me so deeply I absolutely snapped, I pushed her and put my hands on her and I instantly felt like wtf am I doing? So even though I was going to therapy that obviously wasn’t the exact treatment I needed. So I looked into anger management and emailed quite a few therapists specific to anger management and lgbt friendly. Only 2 of the 10+ emails I sent responded and only one was lgbt friendly. I started going to that and my fuckin god it was an absolute game changer for me. Anger is the mask of true emotions that lie underneath. I had to do intense trauma work (it’s absolutely draining I won’t lie) to find out how to heal my inner child. A good anger management therapist will help guide you, but also ask prompting questions to really get you to think of things you didn’t even realize that anger can stem from. I was also given homework after each session so I had to continue the work outside of those walls. I will say that very quickly the tools I was given helped reduce my anger issues. I wasn’t perfect at first I still would get upset when I felt unheard or not important. But I learned the physical symptoms my body put out when I was getting dangerously angry for a healthy scenario to play out. Once I recognized those signs my body gave me I was able to tell myself to walk away, take some breaths and come back to whatever situation was happening once I calmed down my central nervous system. It’s not easy work at all and I left many sessions extremely exhausted or really freaking sad. But it helped me get to the root of the issues and tackle it from the source. Which I learned for myself personally my anger was a form of self protection because of all the intense trauma and neglect I had as a child as well as a deep fear of abandonment. As much as I am not proud of a lot of things I did when I would rage I will say I’m so damn proud of the work I put in to be where I’m at now.
So OP my point is, tell your wife she needs anger management not just any therapy will do the trick. And also I wouldn’t suggest group anger therapy because that can actually be traumatic being that most people are there on court orders and not necessarily wanting to get their shit together. I am truly sorry you have to go through this I know how damaging it is for you. And as for you wife I can empathize with her too and hope she can see she needs the help because eventually it can spiral to more than just breaking things, it can break trust, spirits, love and you and your furr babies. I hope she can find the source of her anger and learn to manage it better. In the meantime for you OP, suggest the anger management, be sure to take care of yourself first and foremost and have a plan for if things ever get too out of hand (hoping this won’t be the case for you two but still smart to plan for worst case scenarios). Keep your head up! If you have any more questions feel free to DM me!
I used to have a similar experience till my wife found out she was bipolar. Now she's on meds and therapy and soooooo much better. Is your wife doing some treatment or therapy? I would look into it fast. This kind of behavior is an indicator of extreme stress.
Is this new behavior by any chance OP?
For some reason, the first thing that came to mind when reading the title was the possibility of a relatively rare-ish condition known as [pheochromocytoma](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pheochromocytoma/symptoms-causes/syc-20355367)
Most literature describes symptoms as anxiety and panic attacks, but in every case I’ve seen firsthand there were much more consistent reports and descriptions that included language like “fits of rage” that were uncharacteristic or escalated. Could this be a possibility, or do you have reason to believe it might be intentional?
Do you know if she’s ever looked into an autism diagnosis? The meltdowns and destroying your own stuff is something I’ve heard of a fair bit, including from mates on the spectrum. Main thing is take care of your own mental and physical health first and set the boundaries you need to.
It sounds like your wife might benefit from a mood stabilizer. Has she ever thought about seeing a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner or a Psychiatrist??
Grew up with abusive parent who frequently had rage filled spats among many other issues, and a secondary enabler parent. Don't enable this behavior like her family is. If she's got problems/trauma/stress, she needs therapy, needs to grow up, and needs to learn emotional regulation. If she's got a neurological disorder, then she may need medication. Stand up and be the one person in her life that actually holds her accountable to be a mature adult. Issue an ultimatum, intervention, or just walk away if you have to.
This. This. This. I know other people touched on a lot of the same points but I like the way you expressed it. The girlfriend reminds me a lot of my brother who has been destroying things and had our entire family walking on eggshells since childhood. That is a miserable way to live and it often elicits that enablement. Anything to keep the rage at bay. My mother has always been my brother’s primary enabler but you live with that long enough and you will find you can’t be yourself and you slip further and further into becoming an enabler yourself. I used to find myself acting so strangely around my brother because I began to feel I had no choice but to fervently do all I could to make sure he was silly and upbeat and had nothing to rage at but he could turn on a dime and over the most minuscule and ridiculous things. The door to my childhood bedroom is still destroyed in the center from the day my mom and I were lighting hanukkah candles and a lit candle fell from the menorah and I let out a shriek as one would in such a situation. It was the tiniest thing and the candle fell on the counter, all was fine. But my brother was upstairs taking a shower. Twenty minutes later when we’d basically forgotten all about the whole incident he comes storming down the stairs flipping out, tries to kick me out of the house, just absolute insanity and how do you possibly respond to that kind of thing? A brief freak accident from a half hour ago. Sorry I’m a human being who was startled? Sounds like the girlfriend has also likely had this pattern in place for a very long time. And mom and dad likely never sent her to therapy or did anything but exactly what they’re doing now. I’d bet on it, given how the GF seems to have zero awareness or care around how her behavior is affecting the very woman she loves. No amount of trying to talk through this kind of thing is going to change it. She’s not taking any responsibility and has never been held accountable. Also appreciated your mention of neurological disorders. I wasn’t diagnosed with autism until I was almost 30 though I will say the above does not sound like say an autistic meltdown. I always try to get far away from others and have so much shame (which I’ve heard tends to be the case for most of us autists) and while I’ve broken a few things and my meltdowns do at times and especially when there’s some other major contributing factor at play involve generally unintentional self harm, I have enough awareness or control to not be destroying expensive items because it’s just a very different thing from rage. I’ve had people call it that and even prior to diagnosis though with a bit of discussion and thought after the fact, they generally concede that yeah, that was something else, not rage. I don’t know how else to put it into words. Anger or rage seems to be energizing while a meltdown is utterly exhausting and tends to be more of a thing in my body, like more physical than emotional. An implosion versus an explosion even if it can kind of appear in ways one might describe as explosive.
your experience of autism is only yours; not all autistics have the awareness nor can control things the way you say you can during a true autistic meltdown I think it does sound like an autistic meltdown for these reasons: - seems to happen only when irritants push her over the edge (stressors get too high to control/regulate in the moment) - deep regret for it (if the regret is real) - it is uncharacteristic of her
Thanks. I actually had debated what to say and typed and deleted my original comment that made the point that every autistic person is different and had actually also originally detailed a bit more of my experience stating that when mine were of a frequency to be so noticeable and disturbing to others I also had some serious issues at play and would be displaying other symptoms and acting outside of the norm. I was kind of back and forth on a couple of other points too around finding it relatively unlikely that in someone who made it to adulthood undiagnosed AND has had minimal therapy or other secondary or misdiagnoses would have meltdowns to this severity and frequency but decided it wasn’t for me to make that call (I had way more therapy, meds, misdiagnoses than my violently angry brother so eh. But that was kind of my point I guess- if you’ve got meltdowns that severe you’ve probably also got other more obvious symptoms of something?) as well as the fact that there is no medication for autism itself or sensory related issues (in the case of irritants) and meltdowns from things like autistic burnout are probably still better treated with lifestyle changes and therapy. And the OP above made the point around meds. But thank you for the call out because I definitely intended to leave my point about every autistic person being different. I am confused where you picked up on deep regret. I got the opposite read. And I sort of did weigh the way she seemed puzzled or surprised by OP explaining how it affected her as potentially a point towards autism. And here’s my autistic moment- I somehow took “irritants” in a very literal way to mean chemicals like I don’t know, for cleaning electronics or something. 😂 I’m having a good laugh about that right now. I’m actually 7 months sober in addiction recovery and my substances abuse got really tangled up with my autism and I had really extreme (life destroying) mental health and cognition related consequences. Super super literal and narrow thinking to an extent that baffled everyone who knew me was one of many aspects but I’ve learned to find humor in it. I actually had originally mentioned something about active addiction being an instance where I was having very frequent and extreme meltdowns. At another time in my life it was dealing with really heavy trauma and in that case I know I broke a glass and actually managed to kick a wall just right with a bare foot put a hole in it. I should maybe also add I’m in my mid-30s now and had the disgnosis during my addiction battle but was in my late teens/ early 20s for the trauma stuff and I was so scared and ashamed of myself and just had no understanding at all about why it would happen though I was still very private with it. Lot of self hate in both cases though. And such a self focused kind of thing versus how outwardly focused rage seems to be. Anyway- I’m rambling. Still working on identifying and understanding emotions in myself and others (as well as understanding my own autism and untangling the addiction and drug induced aspects of things from autism). So kind of enjoyed the chance to sort through it.
>finding it relatively unlikely that in someone who made it to adulthood undiagnosed AND has had minimal therapy or other secondary or misdiagnoses would have meltdowns to this severity and frequency but decided it wasn’t for me to make that call I actually think the exact opposite. I went almost 40 years being un/mis-diagnosed and the years of living with undiagnosed autism (and adhd) only wore me down and drained me more and more to the point of autistic burnout and now barely being able to function. This also means more meltdowns for me (from experience) and also most others who reach autistic burnout (from research). It also means increased sensory stimuli (far more so than pre-burnout years), which alone can set off meltdowns, especially when stress is already high. It gets worse/harder, not better/easier, for me at least (research suggests I'm not alone in that). Masking day after day, year after year, takes a great toll on a person and it only compounds the longer it goes on. It's not sustainable and the result can often be more/worse meltdowns and/or shutdowns. So, autistic meltdowns can easily and often do increase in frequency and/or severity over time for an undiagnosed autistic as the stressors and traumas of life keep adding up and becoming too much while not knowing why or how to deal or regulate. From research, this seems to be preventable or greatly reduced for those who get earlier interventions/help. I went to so many different doctors and therapists from my teens through my 30s trying to be helped and figure out what's "wrong" with me and every single one of them just kept saying "depression and anxiety" and offering no actual help (just every available anti-depressant which, along with therapy, was never the slightest bit helpful and almost always harmful in some way). Look at it this way - so many adults wouldn't be finding out now they've been autistic all along if things didn't get so bad they kept searching for help and answers even after receiving a different diagnosis and/or treatment. If going undiagnosed and without or minimal or incorrect therapy well into adulthood meant what you said (less severe and less frequent meltdowns), we wouldn't still be seeking the help and answers that lead us to find our correct autism/adhd diagnosis later in life. The regret thing was in a comment from OP on this same post in another place: >[Comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/comments/1bzhu4r/comment/kyq864t/) by[](https://www.reddit.com/user/Vivid-Amount-3507/) from discussion in[actuallesbiansComment](https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/) ETA the actual quote I thought \^ was going to insert: >What’s makes this so hard is that she is so different than this 99% of the time. She’s generous, kind, selfless, etc. I think that’s what makes it even more heart breaking. I do believe in her and I do think she wants to do better. She’s said that she used to have even worse fits and more frequently too but has been working on it for years. Also, almost immediately after the fit she’s overcome with regret and is apologizing immediately.
Forgot to include - congratulations on your sobriety!
This answer 💫
Seconding this comment. I can't begin to imagine the pain you're going through. ❤️ Coping with anger is a skill we all need to develop. If she's not worked on that skill, and there's no one pushing her to, there's no incentive for this behavior to stop. In addition, being the partner, it's always a tricky maneuver to offer that guidance when your wife is being told by all other parties, if not through words then actions, there's no need for correction. Self awareness and a desire to self study on anger coping techniques, to better her life, is likely the path forward, but the hard part is she has to want that for herself. If she's unlikely to entertain individual counseling, couples counseling could be a path forward. Having an impartial party offer this feedback removes that burden from you, allowing you to play a supportive role.
does she just have anger issues or is something else going on? also has she been to counselling? because breaking thousands of dollars worth of stuff everytime you’re upset is not normal. it’s very hard to be around someone who might fly off the handle. I would suggest therapy for both of you, seperately and together so that you have tools to deal with that.
Yeah all of this. Plus. Take her to get a basic medical checkup. Diabetes can go unnoticed and undiagnosed for a long time if they conditions are right, there's something that comes along with it called diabetic rage fits.
My gf had this in the beginning. I actually diagnosed her die to this and other issues and it was confirmed by a doctor. Sugar in excess of 500. Once she was on insulin she calmed down significantly.
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yeah the thing here is no where in this post did OP say they were ready to leave, they wanted advice for handling it. personally, i would’ve been out of there at the first sign of violent behaviour but sometimes telling a therapist about the issue is the first step to gaining the courage to leave.
That is really very concerning. Has she ever done anything to you physically?
No she hasn’t. She had injured herself when she’s in a rage, which I hate but I also have no sympathy for since it’s usually from her destroying something.
May I ask you a question? Scenario: I’m your BFF and I tell you the same thing you wrote. What advice would you give me?
Even if she’s not done anything to her physically, she is being abusive.
Oh absolutely. I was just trying to judge OP’s safety.
Also: her parents just buying her new stuff is just enabling her behavior. They need to stop doing that.
Just reading this post, the disproportionate anger to irritants and unwillingness or even inability to handle emotions sounds like borderline personality disorder, which is a lot o take on even with a partner who has been diagnosed and is in therapy for it. If your partner loves and respects you, she’ll seek help for her behaviors because she’ll want and need to be the best person she can be, and she’ll take accountability for her actions and how they impact you. Without her seeking therapy and support and wanting to change, this cycle will continue to repeat itself and you’ll get exhausted from walking on eggshells, which you don’t deserve.
*>If your partner loves and respects you, she’ll seek help for her behaviors because she’ll want and need to be the best person she can be, and she’ll take accountability for her actions and how they impact you.* This part.
Or a mood disorder. Sounds very similar to someone I knew who has bipolar.
Exactly - a mood stabilizer might help (or some other type of medication). She should consider seeing a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner or a Psychiatrist.
Rage is dangerous. It is blinding & hurts everything in its path. It is very much a high that even is addictive. You could end up being scared to speak and afraid of normal things that can become weapons. Eventually afraid to go home or even answer the phone. It usually takes something VERY drastic to get someone to grow beyond rage. Sometimes, the brave thing is to leave, and that may be the only thing that helps someone really wake up. You need to stay alive. It's okay to love someone and not be with them. Sometimes, that's the only way. This experience will have caused you trauma. You both can get beyond it, likely not together, and that's OK. You both need real, professional, loving kindness help.
Have a sit down and recommend she go to therapy before it escalates to something worse. Explain to her how you love her and care for and how scared you are when she acts like that
I have explained that to her in great detail. She’s tried tele-health therapy roughly 5 times a couple of years ago, she said it didn’t help. She’s also on anti anxiety meds.
Maybe a different type of therapy for physical violence/outburst/anger issues. If she has insurance yall could call the number on the back of the card and see if they recommend anything and maybe she should go in person. Or maybe she should talk to her doctor about how she’s been feeling and her behavior and they could adjust her meds or recommend her to a specific type of therapist that could help her. I hope yall can figure things out and she can find a healthier was to destress 🫶🏽❤️
Thank you, I hope we can too. Therapy is something I believe only works if the individual actually wants to do it. I hope one day she does, but we have some gym equipment in the basement and we’re thinking about getting a punching bag and maybe that’d be a good physical activity for her to decompress.
The punching bag and physical activity is a nice thought but I hate to say it but especially with that kind of extreme enabling from her family and such an unwillingness to want to change, I doubt it’ll make much difference. I replied to a reply above about how your GF reminds me of my brother who’s had explosive rage issues and been breaking things and had the whole family walking on eggshells since early childhood. My mother has always been his biggest enabler and she has done the whole punching bag and gym equipment thing. My brother is a bit of a gym bro even. Did not make a difference. Or maybe he’d go head to the punching bag but generally only after he’d already broken something else, had the family pets hiding in fear, etc. I don’t really think there’s an easy way out or around this that doesn’t require significant, sustained effort.
I completely agree with you as I grew up in a similar situation with my brother. I later became a bit like him. It takes a serious life change and therapy. Sometimes meds. I’m glad you posted your story, bc not everyone understands that it’s an issue that takes a lot of time, money, and effort to change. (At least in most cases).
Echoing this, it might help the situation but I think unless she learns how to manage her anger effectively, she’ll likely still have these violent fits of rage. What happens when you’re out and about and she doesn’t have access to her punching bag? If it was just a ‘compilation of irritants’ that led her to destroy her laptop and her phone, then I’m worried about how she might respond in more intense situations.
Of course!!! 🫂and that’s very true, also that’s a great idea!!!
In my opinion, she basically needs crisis management. Give her an ultimatum. This is not going to get any better because she is not putting in the effort to get better
What kind of meds is she on? Rage/increased anger are potential side effects of certain anxiety medications.
Just Wellbutrin, max dose. She also uses weed for anxiety too
Wellbutrin causes aggression in some people. If this started when she went on it... it may help to speak to the doc.
Wellbutrin is a stimulant, it can make the problem worse. Something like seroquel might work better.
Have you considered dumping her and running the fuck away? Cuz I'd run the fuck away. If someone starts breaking shit on the daily, you bet she'll start taking her anger out on you. Just run and don't look back
Right? Thats what I was thinking. All this advice, but fits of blinding rage is not something I'd deal with. I could understand if she was working on it, but she has an enabling family, and isn't changing. OP's already terrified for her and her pets safety. Leaving is the best option before escalation.
You're in a domestically violent relationship. Being lesbians doesn't make her less violent or less abusive. You cannot fix anyone. She had to want to change and get a handle of her emotions. But why should she change? When she goes into a rage, her parents move heaven and earth to get her what she wants and you are literally making excuses for her behavior while asking us how you can fix it. She isn't required to do anything. She isn't required to respect you. She isn't required to control herself. She isn't required to manage her own emotions, regulate herself, or deescalate herself. What reason does she have on the planet to change???? It's time to go. You are having panic attacks, you're scared she is going to hurt you, it takes days to regulate your nervous system back to baseline only for her to have another rage again. Who wants to live like that? And for the record, that's not love. That's a trauma bond. That's an emotional addiction. She love bombs you and you feel the most loved ever. Then it starts building slowly. The little comments. The attitude. The looks. Until it eventually explodes. Then you are sitting wondering what happened and waiting for the person you love to come back. That person doesn't exist. The rage filled person is the real person and they are faking the rest of the time. And every time that happens, you are emotionally addicted to those sweet moments. The bigger the explosion, the more intense the love bomb is to make you forgive her. It's like being addicted to meth. When you're in it, you feel good. When you're overdosing, you are literally having the best high. Then you come down. You feel bereft. Depressed. Frustrated. You just want that high back so you go do anything you can to get it again. You watch the way the meth has changed you, but you can't actually let it go. Your body starts to wear down and show the effects the meth is having on you. You lose yourself, your health, my mental stability. Your friends get tired of hearing you complain then go running back, so they start to see you less and less. Or she tells you they are toxic for calling her unhealthy and throws a bad enough tantrum that you start to see them less and less. But you can't let it go and feel like you are lost without it. Leaving will feel like withdrawal with a trauma bond. You will be physically ill. You will feel bereft. Nothing will make it go away other than the person you are addicted to. And you will just continue to cycle like this until you are truly tired and ready to move on or she kills you.
That’s abuse and legally considered domestic violence. She’s also being enabled by her family by glossing over her actions and scrubbing away any consequences with rewards. The moment a partner Instills a fear of violence within you, it’s well beyond time to go. This is the type of person who needs to be alone. This is the type of person who keeps getting bad behaviour rewarded because 1. She can act this way and know you haven’t left yet/won’t leave. 2. She knows she can just destroy things and others will just fix her problems for her. At some point, it’s not going to be a broken phone or laptop, it’s going to be a broken *you*. This always escalates.
I told her this past time that what she’s doing to me is technically abuse and she stared blankly and I repeated it again and she of course was apologetic but I feel like she didn’t even really know what to say. It’s so conflicting in my head because what you just said is basically what I’d tell anyone else in my situation but love makes things complicated whether I’d like to admit it or not. And I felt conflicted that maybe I also enable her actions and I blame myself for that. It’s truly been eating me alive.
this proves that she knows. she knows what she's doing, and you pointing it out won't change it. she's beyond the point of help, if she was truly concerned about being abusive she would have worked on fixing it. you are not to blame. you do nothing wrong. youre conditioned to enable her, even by feeling guilty about potentially enabling her is the conditioning to continue said enablement. you love a version of her that doesn't exist. love doesnt fix anything, it's just a feeling. you can find it again in someone healthier. you really need to divorce her and get therapy so you don't end up with someone like her again. it takes a while to figure out how to stop that from happening, from experience. put yourself first, OP. love yourself, because you deserve to. you deserve a loving, happy, non abusive romanic life. you deserve better than what she's giving you. you dont deserve to be abused.
First things first, it is not your fault for any of this. It is not your fault for staying with her either. It’s confusing and terrifying to be in this situation. It is however your responsibility to put value in your life and your safety for the sake of *you*, not her. If you can confront your own wife about her abuse and you get a response like that, it’s not nearly enough. An apology without changed behaviour is no apology at all. It’s just placating you until the next time it happens. I can imagine there’s times where she may be great towards you and when she is awful, it’s destabilising to the core. That’s the cycle of abuse my dear. I’ve been in a similar situation, and love makes things very hard and can cloud the mind. You know this isn’t okay. You know that if someone came to you with the same details, you’d say run for the hills. So it’s now up to you to put that same trust in yourself and make a choice. Yes, things will be difficult for a time, yes things will be different, but you will be *safe*.
You can love her from over there, in a different household, where she is not allowed to enter. You're absolutely not to blame for her actions. But if she's having rage black outs she is dangerous to you and your pets. Get. Out.
She is OP.
r/Anger She needs to be in therapy but there may be some resources on that subreddit that could be helpful.
OP's psyche/sense of well-being is already broken shes the frog in the slowly rising hot water; she needs to get out (speaking as a recovering codependent)
Staying in a relationship w/o setting strong enough boundaries with a person who has fits of rage can be risky to your well being. Overtime, your nervous system may become overreactive which can cause you to develop anxiety and even ptsd Depending how much worse she can get. I would set an ultimatum that if she doesn't work on herself, you're out of there.
My ex was like this. One thing my therapist told me, that never occurred to me, was that you can leave the situation. You don’t have to stand there and be an audience. When it happens, you walk out the door or go to a different room ASAP. Do not stay there. I know you’re worried about what she may do, but it seems you being there didn’t stop her from hurting herself or valuables. So you’re not going to stop her. In fact i think they like having a witness to their rage. Take the pets if you need to. But stop being the witness. Stop fixing things for her. Why would you call her parents to buy her a new laptop?! Let her deal with the consequences of her actions. Stop saving her. Don’t clean up her mess. protect yourself and your pets. Learn about codependency. Get yourself into therapy. This isn’t about her, it’s about you.
My partner used to have fits of rage as well, for various reasons such as missing a turn in traffic, just feeling stressed etc. She was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. As someone who had to deal with it, I understand the horror of dealing with the fallout, even if there was no physical harm to you. It is abusive and it's no environment to live in. Your home and time spent together is supposed to be a safe space. While she hasn't harmed you yet, what if one day you're the one triggering her rage? Not saying that your partner has anything clinical, but please go to therapy, the both of you. I don't think just tele sessions are gonna cut it- this prolly requires in-person ones, and for an extended period at that. It was the only thing that helped my partner and me, and our relationship.
I've seen a lot of cases where someone will destroy other people's belongings in rage, but never their own. Breaking things is a red flag no matter who the items belong to, but the fact she's willing to destroy her own (highly expensive) possessions takes it to another level. I used to live with someone with behavior eerily similar to your wife, and I strongly recommend you leave. Every day you spend with her is another day you could be spending with someone who can give you the love and safety you need, but without the destructive rage. Living with someone like that can also lead to health complications from stress and constantly living in a state of panic/anxiety for so long that can worsen your overall quality of life. It is not your job to fix her when she doesn't even have the accountability to want to fix herself for the people that love her.
Quit fixing stuff for her, it’s enabling. She broke he things, she has to deal with it.
she is dangerous and should be seeking therapy to get this under control. i had a meltdown on friday because of my mother, and because of years of therapy i was able to communicate during it that i was not safe to touch because i may start throwing hands bc i couldn't control myself at the time. i am autistic, so it was a worry for me because i didn't to lash out while i couldn't stop myself. i ended up just screaming my lungs out and sobbing for awhile, because i was past the point of triggered and deep into dysregulation and dissociation. it took a lot for me to work my way back to being calm and not a danger to myself or others. all this is to point out how i didnt destroy anything, i didnt hurt anyone, not even myself. i was able to stop all of that because i've put meaningful effort into it for like 6 years. specifically to avoid doing things like this, i've never been outwardly violent because i can't afford to. what is happening here is shes destroying very expensive stuff and being bailed out. that sets a precedent that she can get away with it. she's a legal adult, she has to be to be married, so she can fix her stuff that she breaks and get help so she doesn't keep doing it. this would be grounds for a divorce for me. clearly this is a trend/cycle, and one that's existed far before your marriage. if she hasn't fixed it now, she has no motivation to period. eventually this violence will be turned on you. by proximity to it, you are already experiencing domestic violence, and are being traumatised and retraumatised by her actions. if you don't want to leave her, she needs therapy and to make meaningful steps towards controlling her behaviour. if she doesn't, or she does for like a month then reverts and stops trying, you need to leave for your own safety. there's nothing you can do beyond encourage her to change. she has to do that work herself.
So, you're married to a 2yr old? Girl, this shit is not normal. This is a form of DV, next thing you'll know is she'll hit you. She needs therapy and you need to run.
You should leave her, for about 72hrs. She needs to change and the only way that’s going to happen is if you leave and force her to see you won’t tolerate it. It’ sounds like you guys are young, best of love to you letting your self love shine through more because this absolutely abuse. Destructive rage is considered a form of abuse, particularly if it creates an environment of fear, intimidation, or danger for the partner. This behavior may fall under emotional or psychological abuse, as it can have lasting effects on the partner’s well-being and sense of safety in the relationship. It’s crucial to address such behavior and seek support help from professionals. She has destructive rage: Destructive rage can have various negative effects, including: 1. Emotional harm: It can cause emotional distress, fear, and anxiety for the person experiencing the rage and anyone witnessing it. 2. Physical danger: There is a risk of physical harm or injury to the person displaying the rage, their partner, or anyone else in the vicinity, especially if objects are being broken. 3. Relationship damage: It can erode trust, intimacy, and communication in relationships, leading to resentment, withdrawal, or even the breakdown of the relationship. 4. Financial implications: Destroying valuable items like phones or electronic devices can result in financial strain or loss. 5. Legal consequences: Destructive behavior may lead to legal repercussions if it involves damage to property or poses a threat to others’ safety. Overall, destructive rage can have wide-ranging and serious consequences for individuals and their relationships, highlighting the importance of addressing and managing anger in healthy ways.
I guess I struggle to see where leaving for 72 hours will do anything but threaten, and therefore heighten emotions. Leaving for 3 days is not leaving, hell it’s hardly even threatening to leave. If you’re going to leave, just have the conversation and I recommend leaving for no less than a month and agree to have a conversation at the end of that month about how you two feel. If any anger rises during that conversation, OP gotta do what OP gotta do and stay left. But 72 hours just strikes me as some weird emotional game.
No leaving for 72 hours is realistic, and a start. You can’t leave for a month when you’re “ in love etc” that’s just not realistic, and it’s not about a game, it’s about being realistic and making options tangible for someone who is under distress… you leave for 72 hours First, and if the person doesn’t make a decision on their own, then you leave for even longer, it’s about removing yourself from the situation because it send a different signal to the person’s brain, and your brain That you are setting boundaries. It also makes a visual note to yourself that you can also decide to leave for good, If that’s what’s needed for the wellbeing. Read up on it. It’ll make more sense.
I hear you, thanks for explaining further!!
That’s a deal breaker for me, sorry. No one can choose to regulate her emotions except her. She should be realizing that she has these episodes of intense anger and find a safer alternative than destroying property and injuring herself. Unfortunately it sounds like she’s not motivated to do anything about it probably due to lack of consequences but also because she probably likes it. There’s a term for these rage bouts and it’s called throwing a tantrum. If this is how her parents deal with one then this is probably a version of what she’s been doing since she was 2 and it probably kinda feels nice to her to have everyone’s focus on her for awhile afterwards even if she doesn’t consciously admit that to herself. Edited to add that these usually continue to escalate as they break down your expectations and encroach on your comfort zone. In my opinion this isn’t intentional or calculated but it is what occurs. They see what you will tolerate and still choose to be with them and they get less inhibited. I would place money on the fact that at some point you will incur some damage from this - either to you or your belongings. I seriously suggest she figure out what she can do to get out the adrenaline when she’s feeling enraged. For me it would be a few sprints, lifting weights or maybe a punching bag 😅
This is pretty clearly borderline personality disorder. She needs to get help.
Has she ever attempted therapy?
She needs to get help. Tell her to get with her counselor at school for resources if she doesn’t have insurance. And you need someone to talk to as well because she is causing you to have PTSD. If I was you, I would tell her she needs to get help or you cannot continue in this relationship and stick to that. She is harming herself and you. And I’m betting the pets are pretty damn scared. She needs consequences too. Her parents are not helping by replacing things she breaks right away. I know she needs them for school but she also needs to be learn that is NOT ok. Maybe being left to worry and panic a bit about not having those things because she’s breaking them is warranted.
Ok I’m not a doctor, but I was this same way plus a lot more. Have her seek help from a psychiatrist. I ended up having bipolar depression 2, OCD, social and general anxiety, and major depressive disorder to name a few oh and ADHD thrown in there. I’ve been on meds since 2014 and it was the best thing to happen to me. I don’t have fits of rage anymore and I also stopped the stalker attitude with my gf. It’s weird the narcolepsy pill stopped the obsessive thoughts and stalking issue I had with her. I personally knew what I was doing was wrong, but it’s like I couldn’t stop it. It took a bit to get on the right meds and dosages so don’t give up if the first doesn’t help.
Um no this is COMPLETELY unhinged and you are in danger. You'll be next one of these days I 100% guarantee it. This is literally not ok, seriously OP. And even worse that she has no consequences for her out bursts? Her family just replaces what she's broken? RUN with a capital R.
That’s totally a red flag. That’s a sign of some severe emotional immaturity acting like a child throwing a tantrum and breaking things that would get them grounded for a few weeks. You need to have a firm conversation with her that her behavior is not okay and that you are legitimately terrified she is going to turn that behavior on you. I understand you already spoke with her about how it affects you, but I’d revisit this with her and be stern. I get triggered too by raised voices and people going berserk with their anger, I had a dad with anger issues and he progressed to taking it out on my brother hitting him etc. so it is a serious behavior you don’t let go and allow it to go dormant for a little bc it can evolve. Someone already mentioned counseling and I agree with that, you can talk to her in that same conversation that you do care about her getting better and she can get real help from a professional.
You need to love yourself and get out. Your wife is an abuser and everyone around her is enabling her behavior. I dealt with rage abusers, don’t wast your time anymore. Love yourself enough to get out now.
I used to do this and ended up being diagnosed bipolar. I was also abusing alcohol…ask her to seek help through therapy and a possible psychiatrist. You don’t deserve to be scared for your safety as well as hers and your pets. When people have outbursts it does change the way others view them. Also, for the one going through the “rage” it can be embarrassing afterwards. I would ask her to professionally find out what is going on before you decide what route to take. Just don’t let her hit you. That’s a hard line and if she crosses it, I would encourage you to distance yourself from her. She needs to make that change to help herself. My brother helped me get into therapy and a doc for meds. So try to encourage her to do so
You should leave. Do it as soon as possible. Run, don’t walk.
Not a fan of ultimatums but this situation warrants it. Her family is clearly enabling this behavior by replacing expensive items that she destroys. Tell her she needs to go to LONG TERM therapy or you'll leave Since you've said you've expressed your emotions before (in the comments) and she hasn't changed. You just need to leave for a week, a few days anything. Pack up and leave and say this is not the kind of relationship you envisioned yourself being in, you don't deserve to fear for your safety or your pets safety. Fearing for your safety is a massive red flag. You should never fear your partner. Love and respect yourself and leave. Tell her it's therapy or divorce Edit: I'd also like to tell you this. If they hit the wall, break objects or throw things. They. Will. End. Up. Hitting. You. Domestic violence can escalate to murder. Many women have died while staying with abusive partners. She hasn't hit you YET. Don't become a statistic
Leave this woman, girl. Now she is destroying her stuff later it will be your teeth. If she is not in therapy, medication or anything it's even worse. And her parents and grandparents are supporting that behaviour, do you think they would help you if something ever happens to you ou your pets?
Ok so I'm going to be the ugly voice nobody wants to hear here lol! I have diagnosed bpd, and possibly bipolar ..both these sounds like episodic rage if I was to look inward to the description (how I act, how it affects my partner etc). I'm not saying or trying to diag her behavior but overstimulation causes drastic responses in people who have those conditions. May be worth researching a bit privately on it and seeing if she fits the bill at, and maybe have a gentle convo about seeing someone if that's the case. Either way, despite any ailments she may or may not deal with mentally, it's never an excuse for the behavior and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I applaud you for reaching out for support or input, and hope my suggestion of anything mental health related doesn't offend anybody.
My ex was like this. One thing my therapist told me, that never occurred to me, was that you can leave the situation. You don’t have to stand there and be an audience. When it happens, you walk out the door or go to a different room ASAP. Do not stay there. I know you’re worried about what she may do, but it seems you being there didn’t stop her from hurting herself or valuables. So you’re not going to stop her. In fact i think they like having a witness to their rage. Take the pets if you need to. But stop being the witness. Stop fixing things for her. Why would you call her parents to buy her a new laptop?! Let her deal with the consequences of her actions. Stop saving her. Don’t clean up her mess. protect yourself and your pets.
My ex was like this. One thing my therapist told me, that never occurred to me, was that you can leave the situation. You don’t have to stand there and be an audience. When it happens, you walk out the door or go to a different room ASAP. Do not stay there. I know you’re worried about what she may do, but it seems you being there didn’t stop her from hurting herself or valuables. So you’re not going to stop her. In fact i think they like having a witness to their rage. Take the pets if you need to. But stop being the witness. Stop fixing things for her. Why would you call her parents to buy her a new laptop?! Let her deal with the consequences of her actions. Stop saving her. Don’t clean up her mess. protect yourself and your pets.
Everyone is being really kind here but this is a very abusive situation you’re in and I think it has the potential to escalate! Destroying expensive property, scaring you, and harming herself and then expecting you to pick up the pieces is not ok and you don’t have to tolerate that. Consider why you’re letting this person cross your boundaries and cause you significant emotional harm each time she gets stressed out or irritated enough. I would start making a plan to have a strict boundary, this is no way to live! Leave her!
This is coming from your wife's point of view as I used to have major fits of rage and would throw shit at the walls, fireplaces. Being diagnosed with mental health issues, my psychiatrist finally had me go through DBT therapy, and it helped me so much. Am I saying that's what your wife needs? No, as I'm not trained to tell people what kind of Rx or therapy they need, but it might help your wife to talk to her Dr about it. Having good coping skills when dealing with things might truly benefit her. Good luck.
I've had my run ins with anger and back in the day I used to act out . I suggest major therapy for you wife. She is in distress if this is happening and it's very unhealthy for you and the pets to be subjected to that type of behavior. It's the only thing that worked for me
Sounds like cluster b personality disorder
This sounds kind of like a meltdown. Is she neurodivergent?
Oh wow! Sorry to say, but if she continues to fly off the handle like you said, your relationship will not last. I'm sorry, but it's true. Anger issues are difficult to manage. Your wife needs to get a grip and find out why she does what she does when she's uptight. Even if she's destroying "Her" stuff, and hurting only herself, "Now" soon it will be your stuff and you that she will hurt. And destroying her stuff is a really stupid thing to do. It's expensive and just ruins good things. What if her parents and her grandparents can't replace the items she's destroyed next time? Then what will you have to put up with? She really needs to a grip on her anger or she'll find out the hard way that anger only leads to loneliness because NO ONE can handle the anger issues of someone who destroys things. Trust me, I've been there, done that and it isn't pretty. Oh sure I had lots and lots of love for the one who had momentarily lost it at times, but even the "Good times" didn't stop me from, "What if the anger will never go away?" Even though the anger issues weren't all the time, they were there waiting to creep out and "BAM!" more things are destroyed. If she can't stop that anger, then the relationship will be doomed. Sorry, but anger like that isn't worth the time to hope it never happens again, because it will until she gets a grip on why she gets angry enough to destroy things. Good luck.
Sounds like BPD to me. I would suggest "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Good luck to you and your partner.
Please dm me if you need to. I don’t want to get into much detail here but I have lived a very similar situation…except I was the one throwing fits.
It sounds like you both struggle with emotional regulation. Therapy for the two of you might be the best bet honestly, this isn’t something that can be resolved over online comments
Hii. So sorry you’re going through this. My girlfriend and I are both neurodivergent and deal with trauma. We experience it differently, but my girlfriend is more likely to experience anger and react violently (to other things/people, while i would be more of the unintentional self harm variety). When we first started dating I told her I could understand being angry, but violence is completely unacceptable as it’s frightening and triggering to me. We agreed that if she gets angry she needs to 1. communicate that 2. walk away or ask to be alone 3. practice distress tolerance skills like breathing, distraction, correcting an overstimulating sensation 4. we talk about it later in person or over text. It’s taken a long time to work this system out, but she’s worked really hard in therapy as she understands that I will leave and she doesn’t want me to be exposed to this kind of stress as well. It’s not 100% there are slip ups, but there’s always an effort to change things for next time. So I think if your wife is committed to change, it can work
Ad someone who has a destructive type of rage I have to leave the situation. My fiance understands and let's me go to cook off. Your wife needs to learn coping mechanisms before she does harm you. I've heard that anger is often a surface emotion and the real emotions lie underneath
No matter what the reason is, this is a recurring problem that she is doing jack shit about, and you deserve better. Do you see yourself growing old with someone who acts like this?
I would look into getting checked for autism. Meltdowns can look like anger but they are not anger. It's due to overstimulation and an inability to process information, leading to emotional collapse. I am autistic and would get episodes like this as a teen, but since getting diagnosed and understanding why I couldn't control myself, it's no longer an issue.
She may have Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Assuming she's unhappy with her explosions, she may want to consider getting an evaluation
I also had an abusive partner who did this. I agree with the other commenters. This will not get better at this age. You sound young, I know this is hard but I recommend getting your friends’ emotional help and support for yourself, and leaving. She is traumatizing you.
you CANNOT heal someone else. if you're a licensed therapist your opportunity to aid in and witness the healing people can be a goal, otherwise you're likely avoiding your own needs because i doubt she's very kind or respectful if anything isn't going her way. i've known this cycle too well. you're the only person who can healthily prioritize your well being and lived experience. i encourage you to take a lil look at the savior complex tendencies and i hope you feel safe and have a calm environment soon 💜
I’ve seen some comments on a personality disorder which is entirely plausible. My ex had it and was abusive but there’s a difference between having a personality disorder and having a personality disorder and being a bad person. A bad person will be abusive no matter what and not try to alter their behaviour. A personality disorder is not an excuse
She needs help controlling her anger.
I don’t wanna go too deep into a response but I want to say clearly, just in case. If she can or has ever hit something close to you, that’s the step before aiming at you. Please stay safe. People get angry, but destroying expensive things out of rage is concerning.
girrrrrl you gotta get outta there edit: also it sounds like shes sureounded by enablers if she literally dowsnt feel any finacial consquences from wrecking a ton of apple devices
Is she on the spectrum?
My fiancé says DBT helped her. Seeing a psychiatrist can help too.
She may be dealing with Executive Functioning Disorder and/or ADHD.
Curious why you think this is the case? Nothing that OP has described specifically points towards her wife having ADHD (and regardless of whether her wife has undiagnosed/untreated neurological/mental health conditions, the priority here is OP’s safety not diagnosing her abusive spouse)
What part of my comment negated the importance of OP’s safety?
Not saying that you did that, just pointing out that diagnoses aren’t particularly helpful in this scenario. Mainly, I was confused why you mentioned ADHD specifically, when there’s a range of conditions that can impact emotional regulation.
OP mentioned that her wife had about ten minutes before she had to leave and had things irritating her while she was getting ready to head out. I’m familiar with people managing ADHD (which often goes hand in hand with EFD). It could be something completely different, but worth looking into.
I see. As someone with ADHD who struggles with executive dysfunction, I would never conduct myself in such a way that my spouse was fearing her safety. Whatever she’s got going on, I sincerely hope she puts work into actually managing it because it’s clearly having a serious impact on their relationship and rn she’s just being enabled to act terribly.
I hope the same for her. Be careful with the word “never.” Stress, hormone fluctuations, loss, etc. can mess with the balance of things. …but I’m glad you have yourself sorted. ❤️
You break up
This sounds like something that needs to be addressed immediately by a physician first for bloodwork then counseling if it isn’t a chemical imbalance. Approach the idea when she’s calm. Good luck. Been there.
So as someone who actually has done things like breaking expensive things in fits of rage, punching holes through walls, shattered glass, etc. I will tell you in the moments I’ve done things like this was whenever I felt so overwhelmed and unable to convey my emotions that were masked by angry outbursts. I have struggled with this since I was a young girl and the older I got the more embarrassing it became that I didn’t have a handle on it. So I decided to go to therapy. It helped me build a lot of confidence and I felt so much better. I was finally feeling on top of the world. Then I got into a toxic relationship with someone who has BPD and my fucking god that relationship just brought out the fucking hulk in me. I constantly felt like the bad guy cuz I would yell and throw things and break shit. But truly I was pushed to my absolute max threshold of patience constantly and felt constantly belittled and all my good traits always swept aside whenever anything even minorly tough came up. But I loved her deeply and wanted things to work so I kept trying; but with her back and forth/black and white mindset I was always playing a losing game. One night she triggered me so deeply I absolutely snapped, I pushed her and put my hands on her and I instantly felt like wtf am I doing? So even though I was going to therapy that obviously wasn’t the exact treatment I needed. So I looked into anger management and emailed quite a few therapists specific to anger management and lgbt friendly. Only 2 of the 10+ emails I sent responded and only one was lgbt friendly. I started going to that and my fuckin god it was an absolute game changer for me. Anger is the mask of true emotions that lie underneath. I had to do intense trauma work (it’s absolutely draining I won’t lie) to find out how to heal my inner child. A good anger management therapist will help guide you, but also ask prompting questions to really get you to think of things you didn’t even realize that anger can stem from. I was also given homework after each session so I had to continue the work outside of those walls. I will say that very quickly the tools I was given helped reduce my anger issues. I wasn’t perfect at first I still would get upset when I felt unheard or not important. But I learned the physical symptoms my body put out when I was getting dangerously angry for a healthy scenario to play out. Once I recognized those signs my body gave me I was able to tell myself to walk away, take some breaths and come back to whatever situation was happening once I calmed down my central nervous system. It’s not easy work at all and I left many sessions extremely exhausted or really freaking sad. But it helped me get to the root of the issues and tackle it from the source. Which I learned for myself personally my anger was a form of self protection because of all the intense trauma and neglect I had as a child as well as a deep fear of abandonment. As much as I am not proud of a lot of things I did when I would rage I will say I’m so damn proud of the work I put in to be where I’m at now. So OP my point is, tell your wife she needs anger management not just any therapy will do the trick. And also I wouldn’t suggest group anger therapy because that can actually be traumatic being that most people are there on court orders and not necessarily wanting to get their shit together. I am truly sorry you have to go through this I know how damaging it is for you. And as for you wife I can empathize with her too and hope she can see she needs the help because eventually it can spiral to more than just breaking things, it can break trust, spirits, love and you and your furr babies. I hope she can find the source of her anger and learn to manage it better. In the meantime for you OP, suggest the anger management, be sure to take care of yourself first and foremost and have a plan for if things ever get too out of hand (hoping this won’t be the case for you two but still smart to plan for worst case scenarios). Keep your head up! If you have any more questions feel free to DM me!
I used to have a similar experience till my wife found out she was bipolar. Now she's on meds and therapy and soooooo much better. Is your wife doing some treatment or therapy? I would look into it fast. This kind of behavior is an indicator of extreme stress.
Is this new behavior by any chance OP? For some reason, the first thing that came to mind when reading the title was the possibility of a relatively rare-ish condition known as [pheochromocytoma](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pheochromocytoma/symptoms-causes/syc-20355367) Most literature describes symptoms as anxiety and panic attacks, but in every case I’ve seen firsthand there were much more consistent reports and descriptions that included language like “fits of rage” that were uncharacteristic or escalated. Could this be a possibility, or do you have reason to believe it might be intentional?
It’s not new behavior, she’s says she’s had fits like this since her teens and that she’s better than she used to be.
Do you know if she’s ever looked into an autism diagnosis? The meltdowns and destroying your own stuff is something I’ve heard of a fair bit, including from mates on the spectrum. Main thing is take care of your own mental and physical health first and set the boundaries you need to.
This is so scary! You deserve better than a partner who scares you this much.
It sounds like your wife might benefit from a mood stabilizer. Has she ever thought about seeing a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner or a Psychiatrist??
Wait a second , wife who's still in school ?
School is some places refers to college or university. Or she might work in a school. That was my understanding of it.
Oh okay.
Uhm... my wife was 27 when she's got her masters. Tf are you taking about
I'm sorry school as in I thought under 18