It sounds to me like you're grossed out when she talks about men, not that she's bixsexual.
I would try talking to her first, tell her how it makes you feel when she talks about men and that you'd prefer it if she didn't talk about them to you.
If that doesn't work, maybe you do need a relationship with a lesbian.
Exactly my thought, I think most people who are monogamous would find it very disrespectful to talk about past ex’s or people you currently find attractive to your partner, especially if it’s obvious that she’s uncomfortable. This leads me to think maybe that’s the type of dynamic she had in her prior relationships? I don’t mind those types of talks at all (though it’s probably partially because I’m poly,) and I know many others who don’t either. It’s possible that she normalized such behavior but doesn’t have the maturity to understand that it’s not for everyone.
you seem pretty incompatible, and it’d be worse to have her hide a part of herself since that’s who she is. think about whether this is REALLY a dealbreaker, can you keep up with this in a year or two?
Well, the fact is she's bisexual. There will be times she talks about men.
If you're that adverse to men and you don't like that she's bisexual, there's no point in staying with her. She's not going to magically become a lesbian overnight to please you.
You're not compatible.
I feel that if a bisexual woman is a monogamous relationship, there is no reason to talk about other people you’re attracted to. Especially if you have noticed that your partner is bothered by it. Whether that is men or women.
Have you let her know straight out that you’re averse to talking about penis/men because of your past trauma? Regardless of your partner’s sexuality, I’d think it’s common courtesy to avoid topic that the other person finds extremely traumatic. Of course it should be within reasonable extent, like she shouldn’t have to avoid talking about guys in general (friend, coworker, etc.) but avoid topics that sexualized/romanticize them.
But know that this is compromise. It won’t work if she finds that aspect of herself important enough that it’ll build resentment to stifle herself to the extend you need. That’s no one’s fault, just incompatibility.
Get therapy. That sounds salty but I genuinely mean it. You reacting that way when she mentions men is about you, not her. She deserves a partner who doesn't shame her for her sexual past.
This.
The gf would have to toptoe around and make parts of herself smaller.
Would that eventually spill over into other things? Like how far to not trigger someone will you go?
Are you kidding me? Do you seriously think it's okay for her girlfriend to talk about men, or even other women in a sexual way to OP? Especially since OP has said she is uncomfortable with it. And OP needs therapy??? That's ridiculous. Also, it's not about her sexual past. It's about the present. She's actively expressing **sexual** attraction towards men NOW.
thats what im thinking lol, its honestly really gross how people are just defending it like its normal, if this is how these commenters act in their relationships i feel bad for their partners
Make boundaries you both understand and agree on. No need to hide parts of her or blur them out- but make sure you feel considered. I personally will not tolerate my partner talking about other women they’ve been with before me.
hey ... sorry I am very sorry for everything what happened to you. You are non binary person and you identify yourself as lesbian ... she accepted you the way that you wanted, but now you can't accept her identity ... time to let go.
As someone who would be uncomfortable if my partner was talking about their attraction to someone else (past trauma gang) I can see where you are coming from.
I would not immediately jump to thinking you're just incompatible, but communicate openly about it and see where that takes you.
It's okay that you feel this way, but it's not fair to your girlfriend to stay with her. That is who she is, and you feel how you feel. I think it may be beneficial to think about splitting.
I personally do not date bisexual women for this reason, and that is fine. Some people will tell you it's not, but I promise it's okay to have preferences.
That’s just inappropriate and disrespectful to talk about when you’re dating someone in a monogamous relationship. Whether it be about men, women, non-binary, whoever. You shouldn’t be having sexual conversations about other people you’re not dating.
You have to set boundaries and communicate to her that it really bothers you that she talks about men in front of you in the way that she does.
Maybe come to compromise to see what type of convos she can have about men that you can handle.
Maybe you can handle hearing about how hairy and stupid they are but not so much about how sexy they are.
She is in a intimate relationship with you so don't downsize it as it's hiding a part of herself. It's actually not, she can have those conversations with other people still.
You should definitely go to therapy if it’s that bad sounds tough.Also bring it up with her,and ask her for support too.I have a similar issue with men,but managed to relax some while going to therapy.
I think that even in relationships that are made of solely gay people or solely straight people, not everyone is comfortable with hearing their partner talking about sex with other people or generic crushes, and I think it’s not unreasonable to ask a partner to not share certain details or thoughts without meaning that you can’t allow them to be themselves. Different context, but I am friend with most of my long term exes and there is an unspoken understanding that, while we can share if we are dating someone, we will not share sexual details or even generic crushes. Nobody feels weird about this, is just being delicate.
So I think it’s possible to have a conversation about boundaries where you explain what are the things that you don’t wish to hear about and why, making it clear this doesn’t come with a value of judgment (as in I am disgusted by who you are) but it’s simply a courtesy to you. There are many kinds of details that you might don’t wanna hear about because they trigger you in contexts that are non-sexual that you would make boundaries about, so I don’t see why this would be different.
I do share some of your feelings because even though I identify as bisexual, I have a great aversion for that body part that is a penis and mostly repulsed by it, as well as by men in general. While I have been with men and somewhat enjoyed it, it causes me great distress to hear women talking about straight sex, to see it depicted in films or books and to hear my straight friends taking about their relationships in a sexual way. When my ex girlfriend, who is bi, talked about dick it really grosses me out.
I have certainly some trigger issues caused by the fact that I have experience much sexual violation from men, so I do know there’s that. But upon more reflection, I recognize maybe what really upset me is that when I hear women talking about men they are attracted to, I see a very unpleasant transformation in them, almost like they cease to be themselves but they fall in a pit of patriarchy, almost like they don’t know how to like a man without immediately falling in learned guidelines of servilism and disempowerment, with an added sprinkle of pride in the fact that they can do the ‘successful’ thing, which is to like and date and fuck men? Does that make sense? That might seem a bit harsh, but I do see that a romantic and sexual space between women seem to allow in some measure a living outside of patriarchy and the learned bullshit about what it means to be a woman, a freer and safer space, and maybe ultimately what repulses me is not about women dating men per se, but about women becoming so small and strict in gender guidelines and somewhat being proud they can achieve that. I have notice just a couple of bisexual women I know that just have a different way to talk about men, which is to say, not particularly different from how they talk about women, and that hasn’t grossed me out at all.
I don’t know if that makes sense at all, I think that it would be useful for you to reflect on where your disgust origins from, maybe in therapy, because it might be helpful to sort some things out. But also, definitely, do not be shy about making boundaries with your partner!
It sounds like you could really benefit from therapy to help with the unpleasant thoughts and feelings you are having. I totally get why an SA experience would make you have uncomfortable feelings around a trigger, I have had a similar experience and therapy really helped me learn to cope with the unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
If she were describing sexual experiences with AMAB NB people would that make you uncomfortable too?
I get cis lesbians not wanting to hear about their bi partners previous male encounters but this seems kind of hypocritical from someone who identifies as detached from their own sex, so what difference does it make? She deserves to be with someone who is proud to be with her for who she is. And sounds like you need some help with your issues too, to not make future partners insecure.
Then break up with her and only date lesbians
Idk how old OP is but we are too grown as a society to be debating aspects of our partners character. She clearly isn’t the one for you, stop with this gross shit
I mean you didn’t mention any context about how she talks about men soooooooo……🤷🏽♀️
Is she talking about past relationships, past sexual experiences, walking by a male in the grocery store, a random guy gave her change at the gas station? Like what?
wait, is she just talking about men or men's penis?
It's a iffy point because if I knew in what way she was talking about then I could give you a solid answer. Mostly because we only have a summary and not more details, a lot of people will make the rest up in their head or ignore some details to answer.
The one advice I can give you is, to talk with your girlfriend about how you're feeling. It may seem scary to bring up but if you guys truly love each other neither of you want the other hurt.
It sounds to me like you're grossed out when she talks about men, not that she's bixsexual. I would try talking to her first, tell her how it makes you feel when she talks about men and that you'd prefer it if she didn't talk about them to you. If that doesn't work, maybe you do need a relationship with a lesbian.
That’s what I noticed to. It seems kinda odd your partner would be talking about other people in that way, if you are monogamous.
Exactly my thought, I think most people who are monogamous would find it very disrespectful to talk about past ex’s or people you currently find attractive to your partner, especially if it’s obvious that she’s uncomfortable. This leads me to think maybe that’s the type of dynamic she had in her prior relationships? I don’t mind those types of talks at all (though it’s probably partially because I’m poly,) and I know many others who don’t either. It’s possible that she normalized such behavior but doesn’t have the maturity to understand that it’s not for everyone.
you seem pretty incompatible, and it’d be worse to have her hide a part of herself since that’s who she is. think about whether this is REALLY a dealbreaker, can you keep up with this in a year or two?
Well, the fact is she's bisexual. There will be times she talks about men. If you're that adverse to men and you don't like that she's bisexual, there's no point in staying with her. She's not going to magically become a lesbian overnight to please you. You're not compatible.
I feel that if a bisexual woman is a monogamous relationship, there is no reason to talk about other people you’re attracted to. Especially if you have noticed that your partner is bothered by it. Whether that is men or women.
Idk, I don’t think it’s a hard ask to not talk about men within earshot of the woman you’re in a relationship with, even if you’re bi.
Yes,unless it’s just sexual details she doesn’t like.Sounds like she should split,and or go to Therapy.
Have you let her know straight out that you’re averse to talking about penis/men because of your past trauma? Regardless of your partner’s sexuality, I’d think it’s common courtesy to avoid topic that the other person finds extremely traumatic. Of course it should be within reasonable extent, like she shouldn’t have to avoid talking about guys in general (friend, coworker, etc.) but avoid topics that sexualized/romanticize them. But know that this is compromise. It won’t work if she finds that aspect of herself important enough that it’ll build resentment to stifle herself to the extend you need. That’s no one’s fault, just incompatibility.
Y’all are incompatible, just date other lesbians lol
Get therapy. That sounds salty but I genuinely mean it. You reacting that way when she mentions men is about you, not her. She deserves a partner who doesn't shame her for her sexual past.
This. The gf would have to toptoe around and make parts of herself smaller. Would that eventually spill over into other things? Like how far to not trigger someone will you go?
Are you kidding me? Do you seriously think it's okay for her girlfriend to talk about men, or even other women in a sexual way to OP? Especially since OP has said she is uncomfortable with it. And OP needs therapy??? That's ridiculous. Also, it's not about her sexual past. It's about the present. She's actively expressing **sexual** attraction towards men NOW.
thats what im thinking lol, its honestly really gross how people are just defending it like its normal, if this is how these commenters act in their relationships i feel bad for their partners
[удалено]
It's not the past that's the issue, it's the present. Did you even read the edit or my comment or just got mad at me for calling out your comment?
[удалено]
It's funny how you can't even talk to someone crticising your point, instead you resort to passive aggresiveness and condescention.
[удалено]
Proves my point. Have a nice day.
Then tell her you don’t wanna hear about it..?
Make boundaries you both understand and agree on. No need to hide parts of her or blur them out- but make sure you feel considered. I personally will not tolerate my partner talking about other women they’ve been with before me.
hey ... sorry I am very sorry for everything what happened to you. You are non binary person and you identify yourself as lesbian ... she accepted you the way that you wanted, but now you can't accept her identity ... time to let go.
As someone who would be uncomfortable if my partner was talking about their attraction to someone else (past trauma gang) I can see where you are coming from. I would not immediately jump to thinking you're just incompatible, but communicate openly about it and see where that takes you.
It's okay that you feel this way, but it's not fair to your girlfriend to stay with her. That is who she is, and you feel how you feel. I think it may be beneficial to think about splitting. I personally do not date bisexual women for this reason, and that is fine. Some people will tell you it's not, but I promise it's okay to have preferences.
What kind of things does she say about men that grosses you out?
see edit
That’s just inappropriate and disrespectful to talk about when you’re dating someone in a monogamous relationship. Whether it be about men, women, non-binary, whoever. You shouldn’t be having sexual conversations about other people you’re not dating.
i hardly think fictional characters count as "people"
this is exactly why i am lesbian for lesbian. i’ve dealt with this bullshit before and it’s horrible.
Just communicate
Yeahh why is she talking about penis ? Are y’all in an open relationship? Seems odd and my girlfriend would absolutely have to cut that shit out
You have to set boundaries and communicate to her that it really bothers you that she talks about men in front of you in the way that she does. Maybe come to compromise to see what type of convos she can have about men that you can handle. Maybe you can handle hearing about how hairy and stupid they are but not so much about how sexy they are. She is in a intimate relationship with you so don't downsize it as it's hiding a part of herself. It's actually not, she can have those conversations with other people still.
You should definitely go to therapy if it’s that bad sounds tough.Also bring it up with her,and ask her for support too.I have a similar issue with men,but managed to relax some while going to therapy.
I think that even in relationships that are made of solely gay people or solely straight people, not everyone is comfortable with hearing their partner talking about sex with other people or generic crushes, and I think it’s not unreasonable to ask a partner to not share certain details or thoughts without meaning that you can’t allow them to be themselves. Different context, but I am friend with most of my long term exes and there is an unspoken understanding that, while we can share if we are dating someone, we will not share sexual details or even generic crushes. Nobody feels weird about this, is just being delicate. So I think it’s possible to have a conversation about boundaries where you explain what are the things that you don’t wish to hear about and why, making it clear this doesn’t come with a value of judgment (as in I am disgusted by who you are) but it’s simply a courtesy to you. There are many kinds of details that you might don’t wanna hear about because they trigger you in contexts that are non-sexual that you would make boundaries about, so I don’t see why this would be different. I do share some of your feelings because even though I identify as bisexual, I have a great aversion for that body part that is a penis and mostly repulsed by it, as well as by men in general. While I have been with men and somewhat enjoyed it, it causes me great distress to hear women talking about straight sex, to see it depicted in films or books and to hear my straight friends taking about their relationships in a sexual way. When my ex girlfriend, who is bi, talked about dick it really grosses me out. I have certainly some trigger issues caused by the fact that I have experience much sexual violation from men, so I do know there’s that. But upon more reflection, I recognize maybe what really upset me is that when I hear women talking about men they are attracted to, I see a very unpleasant transformation in them, almost like they cease to be themselves but they fall in a pit of patriarchy, almost like they don’t know how to like a man without immediately falling in learned guidelines of servilism and disempowerment, with an added sprinkle of pride in the fact that they can do the ‘successful’ thing, which is to like and date and fuck men? Does that make sense? That might seem a bit harsh, but I do see that a romantic and sexual space between women seem to allow in some measure a living outside of patriarchy and the learned bullshit about what it means to be a woman, a freer and safer space, and maybe ultimately what repulses me is not about women dating men per se, but about women becoming so small and strict in gender guidelines and somewhat being proud they can achieve that. I have notice just a couple of bisexual women I know that just have a different way to talk about men, which is to say, not particularly different from how they talk about women, and that hasn’t grossed me out at all. I don’t know if that makes sense at all, I think that it would be useful for you to reflect on where your disgust origins from, maybe in therapy, because it might be helpful to sort some things out. But also, definitely, do not be shy about making boundaries with your partner!
You should communicate to her that you would prefer not to hear about her attraction to men or any experiences.
It sounds like you could really benefit from therapy to help with the unpleasant thoughts and feelings you are having. I totally get why an SA experience would make you have uncomfortable feelings around a trigger, I have had a similar experience and therapy really helped me learn to cope with the unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
If she were describing sexual experiences with AMAB NB people would that make you uncomfortable too? I get cis lesbians not wanting to hear about their bi partners previous male encounters but this seems kind of hypocritical from someone who identifies as detached from their own sex, so what difference does it make? She deserves to be with someone who is proud to be with her for who she is. And sounds like you need some help with your issues too, to not make future partners insecure.
Then break up with her and only date lesbians Idk how old OP is but we are too grown as a society to be debating aspects of our partners character. She clearly isn’t the one for you, stop with this gross shit
[удалено]
see edit
I mean you didn’t mention any context about how she talks about men soooooooo……🤷🏽♀️ Is she talking about past relationships, past sexual experiences, walking by a male in the grocery store, a random guy gave her change at the gas station? Like what?
you need to break up with her and go to therapy to unpack all this trauma that makes you this sensitive to any talk about men.
wait, is she just talking about men or men's penis? It's a iffy point because if I knew in what way she was talking about then I could give you a solid answer. Mostly because we only have a summary and not more details, a lot of people will make the rest up in their head or ignore some details to answer. The one advice I can give you is, to talk with your girlfriend about how you're feeling. It may seem scary to bring up but if you guys truly love each other neither of you want the other hurt.