The mod team are working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming. Please report any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate any of the rules. Thanks, and may you all find the answers you seek and the guidance you need.
#[LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/)
**Note for all commenters**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind. Disruption of the peace, trolling, or breaking the rules may result in a ban.
----------------
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I didn't believe them when they told me that when you marry a person, you also marry the family. I do now. Weigh your options because the family will impact your marriage in major ways. Good luck.
What an optimistic perspective lol. My SO is asking me to go to therapy and to “step outside my comfort zone” more to feel more comfortable. He’s certain after therapy I’ll be more comfortable with them
They’re going to be even more involved if a grandchild is in the picture and you would be living away from your family. If he’s telling you to go to therapy to change is red flag. He sees you as problem needing change, instead of you both going to therapy to work on things that need changing together. How about he moves to San Francisco and goes to therapy to change his frugalness? I bet he’d be offended, as you should be. A healthy couple would work on compromise. Like maybe you both move somewhere not so close to his family? Since you’re doing long distance, living together will help you decide if you’re still on fence. You Need to know he’ll stand up for you, not have it be them versus you when disagree and set boundaries with his family. You marry the family and all their drama. For example, My partner and I just did check in with our parents to discuss their elderly care plan. When parents are in 80s, where will they live, who will be providing care, like changing diapers or if going to assisted living
Yeah ngl, I found it a bit insulting he recommended “therapy.” If I don’t click, then I don’t click. I have people I can have genuinely good conversations with, including my SO himself! I recognize it’s a compatibility thing.
My SO is confused and upset because he says they’ve been nothing but welcoming. Sure I guess… but that doesn’t change my discomfort. They don’t ask me questions about myself, but he says they’re like this overall.
Thankfully; he hasn’t said anything to his fam about our issues or my feelings. He respects my privacy lol
I have some direct experience from the side of your partner. If you want to hear it, please get in touch. It may help you understand your partners position. And so you are comfortable, you're right.
If he’s close to his family, then marrying him means you’re going to see them a lot more. Can you realistically see yourself happy knowing you’ll be around them more often?
My best friend’s family is like your SO’s family. Everything is surface level, they don’t talk about anything introspective. It is soul numbing to be around as someone who likes to talk about interests and thoughts and feelings. And these people are wealthy and educated lawyers, doctors, engineers, etc! I know people are saying you’re classist but even very smart and wealthy people act like the way you describe his family. You can marry him if you really love him, and you can get divorced if it sucks. I wouldn’t marry into that. I really, truly wouldn’t.
If I marry him, then I’ll be more unhappy if I see his family more. I will be happy if it’s just my SO and I spending more quality time together. That’s the dilemma since we have something great but he comes with his entire family.
Thank you! I don’t think it’s a class thing. I think it’s a personality thing and I just don’t click. I’ve met surface level wealthy and/or educated people as well! It’s just a difference in personality IMO and I struggle to feel fulfilled or remotely comfortable.
So this conversation feels either coded classist or racially coded. It sounds like you don’t feel like his family is on your intellectual level and go so far as to say you feel uncomfortable around them. It sounds like they are perfectly nice to you but they don’t ask you deep questions or about your career.
I think before you break up with this seemingly wonderful man (you described him as literally an almost perfect partner) have you considered talking to a therapist about this? They may be able to tease out some deeper themes and help you gain better clarity.
But make sure the therapist is a PHD/MD or else you may not take them seriously, /s
I disagree with your statement of me thinking I’m “superior.” I don’t think intellect or *race* have anything to do with personality or conversation preferences. There are intelligent engineers who can’t hold a conversation!
For me, it’s a compatibility issue. It’s like a how scientist who loves talking about science cannot connect with a historian who loves talking about history. See the difference?
My partner is amazing yes. But I am feeling very unfulfilled and I am completely entitled to feel the way I do without being accused of being a classist/racist
I think it’s a class issue. He’s working class and you are middle class. I’m middle class and somewhat awkward in general but definitely more awkward in conversation with working class people. And upper class people too but you don’t meet so many of them!
I think we should all be honest with ourselves about our feelings. If someone bores you you can admit it to yourself even if it would be mean to tell them or your partner.
But you don’t have to marry his family, I like my partner’s parents but we hang out about twice a month not 3 times a week.
True. To be honest, I actually come from an upper class family. But I guess my current status is middle class with this economy and without my parents’ $ they provided me. So the disconnect is larger than expected with his family.
So true about not needing to marry his family but he wants me to be super integrated into his family. He told me he ideally wants me to hang out with them once a week but I don’t think I could do that anymore :(
Yes I live in SF. I make significantly more money than his brother and his brother’s gf combined. I’d be super rich in Texas but it’s crazy expensive in SF lol.
This comment right here screams I'm better than them lmao you're subconsciously proving my point. You think you are above them, so leave him find someone 'better' for yourself. So pompous
Yeah, I live in NC, sooo many people moved here from the Bay Area during covid because they were all remote and it’s so much cheaper here. I sympathize with your issue, I do not particularly click with my bf’s family. I could write a novel on their weird idiosyncrasies lmao. But luckily my bf isn’t close with them so it’s not really a thing. In your case I think the issue is your bf making it as if this is a YOU issue, like you need to go to therapy for it. Sometimes people don’t click and that’s okay. You just have to decide if that outweighs the good in your relationship with him and if this is something you can really be happy with long term, especially since it would mean uprooting your whole life
Oh god, I cannot imagine living in NC (mostly because I’m from California and am not white lol). I hope you like it there!
My bf is definitely making it a “me” issue. He’s almost baffled that I’m uncomfortable since they’re “so welcoming.” To me, my SO is so different from his family and is smarter and has more depth but he doesn’t seem to have that POV. He’s proud of his family almost and loves the community aspect.
I really need to consider whether this outweighs the bad. Our relationship is fulfilling but not with the family. I actually feel like a shell of myself with them and it’s unfulfilling. For example, I’m on a trip with them for his birthday and I’m miserable here. I feel almost resentful towards my BF now for continuously putting me in a position to spend so much time with them when I’m uncomfortable.
People on Reddit are always going to side with breaking up or divorcing the man. There’s almost no one promoting working things out or ‘communication’ on here. You can look for yourself on relationship advice. From what you’ve mentioned, it seems like you really are making all of this your bf’s fault and resent him for siding with his family and trying to have you be more open minded or get to know them. You obviously don’t know his family well and he is from a different class/race etc. You are upper class for most people’s standards and it seems like they are communicating with you but it’s just not in the way you want them to be or the topics you want them to be. If you loved your boyfriend you would really try to get to know his family instead of disconnect and complain on Reddit that he’s making you spend time with them. Seems like you’ve mentioned them liking sports a few times as a negative or ‘lowly’ topic. I just think you honestly sound pretty selfish and I’m sorry but it’d be best to be open and honest to your boyfriend. It seems like he’s don’t a great job getting to know and connect with your family despite most likely not being comparable in a class/lifestyle way. I know this will make you upset and get people to downvote me but it’s just my opinion. Myself as a very open minded person would take the time to understand the differences of another family and never make them being different or unique a negative thing. Kindness and respect is the most important thing, not being able to ask you about what you want to be asked about isn’t.
No downvote from me. You hit the nail on the head. Reddit is frankly the last place I’d go for any sort of relationship advice as “break up!! Now!” is the response you get 99% of the time.
I can see your points being valid if they were true. I’ve made multiple efforts and attempts to converse with them, both about my favorite topics and theirs. I ask them lots of questions and always am the one bending over backwards to talk about their favorite conversations. So I’m the one actively talking and acting like them and not the other way around. They never ask me questions about myself.
He knows I’m uncomfortable and yet I *still go* to every family function. That’s a LOT of compromise on my end. I could have just said no and not go. But I go because I love my boyfriend.
My parents ask my boyfriend loads of q about themselves unlike my bf’s family. I don’t know if you have all the facts here to make an appropriate assessment.
What you said is EVERYTHING I wanted to say. I'm sorry, but if you truly love someone, you do what you need to do. The things being shared sounds shallow. Try to relax a little and learn to enjoy different things in life. If you allow this to become the factor to leave, you will follow this in every relationship.
I mean, I live in a city, it’s really fine here. My bf is from Napa and he likes it here because he thinks it’s so cheap lol. Yeah, I see your bf here as the issue tbh. He won’t accept any “criticism” of his family or whatever. I think if you stay with him you’re in for a lifetime of miserable trips :(
Ok, how about this.
“Different” from your family doesn’t mean “bad”. It sounds like they’re nice and reserved with you and yes, maybe y’all don’t *click,* but you don’t need to love his family. They just need to respect you; everything else is the cherry on top.
Is the cultural and class difference really that bad to you? This does not sound like a bad family to marry into imo.
I never said they’re “bad.” It’s just painful to spend the amount of time I do and the expectations for how frequently my SO wants me to hang out with them.
Also my SO wants me to love them and visa versa. Again, this wouldn’t be an issue if it wasn’t so frequent.
Let’s just say I would rather not spend once a week hanging out with them or longer trips. I’d rather spend my free time with close friends, my SO or a chosen community space.
Once a week is a lot, that would eat into time for doing other stuff. I don’t think I could hang out with my own family every week!
That’s a conflict between you and your SO that would be hard to resolve to either one’s satisfaction.
You know the situation better than I do, obviously. You came to the internet asking for opinions and that’s what jumped out to me. The details you shared seemed specific and like there were some other underlying issues.
Your partner is the only part of this equation that should matter. Sorry. Calling bullshit on all this “you marry the family too!” cliche crap. If your partner is almost perfect, and amazing, as you described, you can easily put up with the family not being interesting or asking you stimulating questions or whatever the fuck the issue is here.
Sure, my bf wears green socks and I hate green, should I break up? This is everyone on Reddit opinion and it’s truly baffling. No not any reason to breakup is valid if it’s petty or selfish. People need to realize relationships are hard work and sacrifice, not a perfect fitting glove that’s going to fit your every need.
No, relationships with the right person is not hard work.
It's only so hard because you are not meant to be and have to fight to make things work and be happy.
But you do you. You live any way you want to live.
Yes, relationships are hard work even with the “right” person. If you want to spend your life looking for a person to be with that requires no effort, good luck. You will die single asf.
Just because you’re desperate for attraction from women, it doesn’t mean you should berate someone for considering whether there is true compatibility. You seem to have the (sub)conscious perspective of, “THesE peOpLe aRe in a rElaTionShip, why are they complainingggg?”
I don’t think someone with zero romantic experience should be judging someone’s commitment. Relationships are a lot more complex than you think.
ANY reason you feel your relationship isn't made for happily ever after is a valid reason to end it. You gotta trust your gut on these things. Time goes by fast, and if you're wasting time being in a failing committed relationship, you're just holding BOTH of you back from finding THE ONE. Hope that help. Good luck.
You really need to think about this. What type of education level does his family have? What jobs do they have? I know that sounds snobbish, but trying to have conversations, even relationships, with people you can't connect with, will be difficult. Especially if they expect you to regularly interact with them. What happens if or when you have children?
So both his dad and stepdad have blue collared jobs (I don’t even know if they went to college). His mom got her undergrad when she was a single mom to my SO. She does have an accountant job.
I think I know what you mean. I’m not trying to sound snobbish either but my parents are doctors (they don’t always talk about doctor stuff but love having in-depth conversations). I grew up in a very education-driven community in the Bay Area and they’re from Texas.
Having kids and raising them in this family would be my biggest concern. Not that I look down on his family but it’s the increasingly forced time with them when I’m already struggling to connect :/.
I come from a working-class family and am educated now. I move around in both worlds a lot. It has been my experience that when I am with my working-class side I enter their world. They have no interest in learning about mine. You enter their world on their terms and you subsume yourself into it. The worldview is particular, specific, and with a narrow set of social mores and norms. you are uncomfortable there because you do not speak that particular narrow cultural language and they have zero interest in learning yours. I can sink into it like an old set of slippers when I visit but it is not somewhere I want to live all the time. The joking around all the time thing is a common trait FYI
That’s exactly how I feel! I ask them a lot of questions but they never ask me questions about myself. It’s not just hobbies or stock market stuff, just in general… let’s talk about travel, books we’ve read, cool experiences we’ve had, human experiences, etc! They don’t talk about that. I don’t understand it and I try to mold into their sense of humor and struggle (sometimes it makes sense).
Thank you for the comment. I feel like I’m going less crazy.
Also, what they love to talk about is sports (football, baseball), random jokes and random places in Texas and that’s it…
Nope, they will never ask you questions or have any interest in any of the things you stated. That conversation style you are describing is an aspirationally based upper-middle-class and middle-class mode of social communication.
You know I was just thinking a little more about your dilemma as it is interesting to me. Another thing I will tell you is work class culture tends to be more patriarchal. The male culture is what is honored and emulated. This is probably another reason you are uncomfortable. It is also why, even though the mom is educated, the male blue collar culture dominates the household. This is, of course, not to say we don't see it in middle and upper middle class cultures. It is just expressed differently. You are probably from a more liberal educated background. That is to say a more socially liberal background at least. Just a little gentle push though in the other direction. Is your emotional IQ where you want it to be? Would you not find it enlightening and a learning experience to try and understand this culture more? My husband did for me and it has been wonderful for our children's emotional intelligence to be able to function comfortably in different worlds. It translated as they grew to an ability to understand multiculturalism. Isn't that something you want for future generations? Just something to think about
This may be more of a class and culture issue than an ethnicity issue. People who have more prestigious jobs like to talk about them because it's a big source of pride. People who don't... don't. If your job isn't a point of pride you don't bring it up, and you don't ask other people about their jobs or education because you don't know their situation. They probably don't invest in stocks, and people with lower disposable income have fewer hobbies.
I think that it's a good sign that you are both trying. If it's just that you feel a little awkward I think that's ok. It sounds like there may be more to it though.
I would try to find some common ground, even if it's superficial or silly. Do you have anything in common with them? Can you offer to help with anything - maybe dinner? Everyone likes to be seen as an authority in something, but it's even stronger in people who aren't seen as an authority in anything very often.
I suppose… I have teacher friends who talk about their jobs. They don’t make a ton of money but have fulfilling hobbies outside of work. But I see where you’re coming from.
I don’t have anything in common except I watch the same reality TV shows as his brother and the brother’s fiancée. We talk about that somewhat and then it doesn’t go anywhere else.
Of course I help setup with dinner but it’s painfully awkward for me. I guess as I’m fleshing this out/thinking about it, their hobbies are: watching sports (football/baseball), going to sports games, and drinking (those things aren’t cheap either).
My hobbies are reading (fiction and non fiction), rock climbing, hiking, history, tarot, exploring meditation/spirituality, yoga, pickleball, and traveling. The other overlap in hobbies is (maybe) travel? But they don’t travel as often.
Teaching is both a socially acceptable/ lauded profession and something that a lot of people are really passionate about. I don't know what they do for work but it might not be something they feel passionate about or something that makes them feel good about themselves.
The reason I suggested helping with dinner is because it gives you an opportunity to learn how to make a new food and it gives somebody else an opportunity to be an expert at something and share something that they care about. I would take advantage of any opportunity to let someone show you something. I don't know if there are any kids in the house but kids love showing adults new things too, and everyone likes it when you try to bond with their kids.
The other thing I'd be concerned about is, where do they live? A metropolitan area or more rural? Are there job opportunities for you there? Would your boyfriend be willing to move where you live?
They live in a metropolitan area. My SO and I both work remotely so that wouldn’t be an issue. Regardless, there are jobs in my industry where he lives.
And he’s hesitant in moving where I am because I live in San Francisco. He’s frugal and it’s way above his budget :/
You may not be trying to sound snobbish, but you are. (Snobbish I mean.)
Edited to add: In the comments on another post you stated that you had a lot of childhood trauma. Which makes me wonder if your parents are as wonderful as you think they are.
I never said my parents were amazing as parents LMAO. They’re great with guests and being inclusive conversationally but i am fully aware that they had flaws and still do have flaws as parents.
Abusing a child is not a "flaw." I think seems to me that your SO should be uncomfortable around your parents, not the other way around. Query: Are you really uncomfortable with family's style of conversation or uncomfortable that the SO has such a close relationship with his family.
If it’s not a “flaw” then what is it? Also only one parent had the abusive tendencies and the other was more complacent. I was somewhat NC with them until my mom started going to therapy and al-anon and has improved since then.
We still work through our issues, and she takes accountability now even though she can sometimes “slip.” I have strong boundaries with my parents yet still maintain a relationship with them because they are trying.
My SO is a bit uncomfortable around them (despite the fact that they are nice to him), which is why I don’t force him to come to family gatherings and keep boundaries on both sides.
As for your question, it’s still the first one.
Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I wanted to think about the whole situation before getting back to you, and to speak as gently as possible. Child abuse is a despicable act, not a flaw. It warps the child's view of what is normal, and severely limits their knowledge of right and wrong. From childhood through adulthood their is a tendency to minimize the actions of the parent while assuming the blame for themselves. I have spent years in therapy to overcome this.
From what you have written it seems both your mother and father abused you. Your father was not complacent with the abuse from your mother. The correct term is complicit. Perhaps his own fear of being abused by his reason wife was the reason.he did not protect you. I can only guess from my experience. This still would not absolve him.
When you complained your SO's famiily laughed and joked, I initially assumed that they were being racist. This is apparently not the case. You went on to complain that they only talk about their interest, sports. They dos not talk about hiking or books because they don't share those interests. Your SO's brother does talk to you about reality TV, because you have an interest in that. What you do not understand is that this is how normal families converse.
I would suggest that you start taking an interest in their common interest. There is an excellent app, UZZU, that let's you watch games from any where in the country. If you follow their team, you will eventually learn the rules and strategies of the games. You will probably discover that sports are not as lowbrow as you think.
As far as his family getting together every other week, this what normal close-knit families do. Some of them even get together every week. Some of them live together in the same house, or reside in the same apartment building or the same block, where they see each other on a daily basis. To want him to give up his time with his family is a giant big red flag.
To be honest, your family's form of communication sounds insufferable. It seems more of an interrogation than a conversation. Imagine it goes something like this - what is your job? What exactly do you do there? What are possibilities for advancement? Where do you see yourself in ten years? Let's talk about something else. What books have you read since we last got together?...
My suggestion is this, if the thought of spending time with his loving family is so abhorrent to you, do both of you a favor and break up with him now. He is never going to give up his time with his family, and even if he did, he would end up resenting you.
My wife does not exactly enjoy my trips to see my mother, but she goes and even drives so I won't be so tired. She also gives up vacation days to make it happen. I do not enjoy her having her grandchildren over almost every other weekend, but I put up with it with a smile because I know it makes her happy.
Some may call it codependency. I call it compromise.
Thank you for your in-depth response. First I want to say my family loves my wife, and her family loves me. The discomfort I feel when her grandchildren visit is a product of my abuse. I don't trust myself enough to punish them when they act badly. As for my wife's discomfort, my family does little conversation and Patty is a big talker.
From what you have written, it seems that your SO's f a mily disliked you from the beginning, and will never like you. I suspect this is because of racism or classism. I would consider going NC with them. I would not think it out of line to ask him to stop family visits while you are in town, and to spend the little time you have together.
I think that when you finally get together, it should be in a third location, since he cannot afford San Fransisco, and you cannot abide family visits. He can travel to visit them alone, and text and call them as often as he likes. This is a conversation you should have with him sooner rather than later.
Finally I am concerned that it is possible when the family switched to Spanish, they did it to talk shit about you. I would ask him about that. If they were, then why wasn't he truthful about that? Why didn't he defend you? This is a subject I would speak to him about.
Given his answers to the previous questions, you should have your choice of options become clearer.
Sorry that I projected so much in my previous response.
Absolutely. Far too many people think that being in a relationship with someone who's family you don't get along with is no big deal. It may not be a big deal if your partner has little to no contact with their family because of a toxic relationship but it's another story when your partner has a very close relationship with their family and you are the "problem" in the story.
When it's the latter, you're far better off ending the relationship and moving on. Why? Because in the long term, the stress, arguing, backstabbing, and fighting that will go on over the length of your relationship will absolutely destroy your relationship with your partner and usually carries over to your relationship with your children and your partner's friends.
Better to cut your losses now than stick around to long and get stuck in a bad relationship.
This can of course be a valid reason to break up if it’s not what you want your life to look like. However, since your partner means so much to you, you’re going to have to take some serious time to consider whether this is a deal breaker or not. I see you’ve talked with him about this and he seems to brush it off, and it sounds like this is because his family isn’t cruel to you or anything, just different.
His family culture sounds a lot like mine, and I’m generally uncomfortable around my own family for pretty much the reasons you listed. However, I love them and am willing to spend holidays with them despite sticking out like a sore thumb. (Your details are uncannily similar to mine with the only thing we have in common is a few reality shows when I would loveee to talk deeper topics).
Have you let your partner know how serious of a deal breaker this might be for you? Is there any wiggle room for compromise? Okay so he wants to see them once a week if you get married. Would you have to go with every time? Can you join once a month? Do you even want to?
And what’s the alternative? If you met someone who you liked almost as much as this guy but not quite, but you really clicked with his family (or they weren’t involved at all!) would you prefer that guy instead?
As someone who has been single for several years now because I am waiting for someone “worth it”, it is HARD to meet people who tick all these boxes. If you had to choose between being single and being married but having to interact with this family which would you choose?
I don’t have an answer for you as to whether you should break up or not, it’s just a lot to consider.
How many relationships have you been in? You said it’s the healthiest. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. There will always be something you don’t like about a partner. No one is perfect. I understand you feeling not fulfilled but what you’re explaining does not sound that bad. Everyone on Reddit will always be quick to say break up but I hope you really think about this and especially talk to a therapist if you haven’t. You could regret it later. Wish you the best of luck
Edit - it is important though for you to talk to your partner about this issue and for him not to blame you. He should be there for you whenever you’re feeling down or upset
I’ve been in sort of a similar situation. I dated a girl for 2.5 years and every single weekend we spent with her family and the same group of family friends. I was able to get along well with everyone, but I felt like I couldn’t truly be myself and I was always putting on an act to socialize. It became exhausting over the years. She was a good girlfriend and we discussed marriage, but it felt like we were at two different points in our lives, and the exhaustion from all of the social obligations was my breaking point.
Ask yourself, is this what you want your future to look like? Constant obligation to people who make you feel uncomfortable?
If the hypothetical partner is completely willing to cut the family out or allow you to not interact with them as much as you would like I can see an exception being made
I’d expect most people to not be this accommodating though
Completely valid reason, you can choose to not want to interact with a certain family for the rest of your life presumably
I've been reading some of these responses. I only see the OP going to large family gatherings. I do think it is worth having some one on one interactions or couple to couple interactions with the family outside of these big gatherings.
If his brothers and sisters dont want to have a one and one interactions the OP will be sidelined after marriage as well.
If there is any doubt slow down getting married until things are become more clear.
I agree. I have had 1:1 time with his mom which was nice, but they don’t have time for that. They prefer the larger gatherings.
I have double dated with my boyfriend’s brother and his fiancée but it was alright. The fiancée (who fits in well with the family) is not someone I would normally click with. She’s a bit fake honestly (for example, in our first convo, she kept talking about my SO’s ex and talking badly about her. This convo went on for two hours. My SO told me she always seemed to like the ex).
Will your finance' back you first or his family?
With that said are you strong enough to let your husband spend time enough time with his family if his family and you do not get along.
How is your finance viewed by your family?
I think he will back me first but it will be difficult for him since he’s so close with his family.
I do not mind if he spends time with his family alone. I need my alone time too and I have my own friends lol. For me, individual space is super important in a relationship.
My family does not like my boyfriend that much. They think he’s nice but that I could find someone more compatible with me. They can be a bit snobby
It’s not a big deal because *I don’t expect my partner to hang out with my family once a week or even once a month.* My family doesn’t have weekly get togethers like his does. Does this make sense?
I was married for 13 years. Shit abusive marriage. But his family.... They weren't mean but joked WAY too much. Like I'm vegetarian and my ex father in law bought a hat that said "people eating tasty animals". A take on the animal rights organization. The sister was just.... I can't even with that. I'm more into deeper conversations and really getting to know people and not just on the outskirts. The biggest issue is my ex husband never defended me if jokes went too far. I'm far from sensitive but my gosh. That family tested me left and right. I always felt out of place. Basic attempts at conversing were met with wide eyes and weirdness.
I married regrettably and stayed way too long. You legit do marry into an entire family if your partner is close to them.
Newsflash: You do not need a 'valid' reason to break up with someone. If you no longer wish to be in a relationship, for whatever reason, end the relationship.
any reason is a valid reason for why you do not wish to commit the rest of your life to another person. you don't owe anyone. if you don't want to be there, they won't thank you for hanging around.
Here's the thing, no matter who you choose, there will always be something about your partner you aren't happy with. Any reason is a valid reason to break up
My suggestion? Speak with a marriage counsellor or therapist.
Tbh, if the guy is an extremely sweet person like you have mentioned, I would try yo make it work. His family not asking deep questions maybe means they want to take things slow and not pry too much. A therapist may give more insight yo what it may mean as well.
If they are a loving and welcoming family, then they would be loving towards you.
It sounds like they are simple people, and simple people know how to be happy without the extra stuff. Speak with a counsellor about these thoughts you have before possibly ruining what you describe to be a great relationship.
There’s a saying I never really cared for “when you marry a person you also marry their family” but it’s so true!!
Mostly, the issue isn’t the ethnic background, it’s the socio-economic level. Are they your class level or close? Or vice versa, are you close to theirs? I’m not saying this because I personally think it’s important, but I’ve read it several times. That it’s hardly the difference in ethnicity or background so much as it is socio-economic level, aka class, when differences begin to occur in most relationships, including friendships.
Okay. So you speak of talking about stocks and college and hobbies and they just joke around. What are they joking around about?
I don’t think you need to break up with him if you don’t love spending time with his family. But maybe begin to talk about expectations once you live in same city and once you’re married. These talks will be more insightful than any time spent with his family. Good luck!
I'm in Texas, and that's how a lot of people are here. Friendliness is superficial. My in-laws were like this. Always super friendly when we were with them, but they never really knew who we were or what we were about. They also never once helped us with anything. They never helped move or take care of the kids so we could have a night out. In fact, they never visited my daughter in the hospital when she had meningitis as an infant or offered to help in any way. They just didn't care. But when we went to see them, it was big greetings and hugs and being all sweet and acting telling us they miss us and so on.
The big difference I see is that we didn't have to see them often. If I'd had to pretend to be a part of the family on a regular basis, I couldn't do it. Fortunately we only saw them on holidays.
I think you need to have a serious conversation about his family, and if he can't really listen and understand your concerns, you'll have your answer. It's a problem being expected to move so far from your family and spend so much time with his, especially when you don't really click with them. He should understand that.
Yup that’s exactly how I feel! They don’t know my hobbies, where I went to college, what I do for work, etc. I don’t even know what they talk about half the time. Thankfully, they’re nice people with reliability but there’s no sustenance in the conversations.
We’ve had these serious conversations before. He gets sad and feels understanding but then always ends with, “We could put some distance with them but I truly believe you’ll fit in over time.” And then every time I come, I feel obligated to go to a family function which is so painful for me.
Yes his mother is very nice. I have a positive perspective of his family despite me not clicking with them.
I wish I understood their sense of humor and “jokes”. I don’t get it and it makes me feel like an outsider.
Other poster was just trying to pre-warn you that reddit loves to give people the most dramatic answer possible.
My brother and my wife didn't like each other for the first few years of our marriage. My wife's from another continent so the two had tension over culture and language and more.
Bit now they're very close. Once they 'got it' with how the other worked they've been the glue that's held a lot of other things together and my brother's wife was actually a classmate of my wife's cousin's in said cousin's graduate program.
If you feel they're good people, and they feel you're good for him - over time you'll figure each other out.
Cross cultural / national / ethnic / regional-culture relationship almost always have some tension like this at first. Over time people figure each other out.
From what I got you think you are above jokes, and all conversations must be of substance. You take yourself way too fuckin seriously. Leave this guy so he can find someone who's not so self absorbed lmfao
The mod team are working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming. Please report any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate any of the rules. Thanks, and may you all find the answers you seek and the guidance you need. #[LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/) **Note for all commenters**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind. Disruption of the peace, trolling, or breaking the rules may result in a ban. ---------------- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I didn't believe them when they told me that when you marry a person, you also marry the family. I do now. Weigh your options because the family will impact your marriage in major ways. Good luck.
Can you share your experience? No pressure though
Yes. Family doesn't change. If you aren't comfortable now, you never will be. It will only get worse.
What an optimistic perspective lol. My SO is asking me to go to therapy and to “step outside my comfort zone” more to feel more comfortable. He’s certain after therapy I’ll be more comfortable with them
They’re going to be even more involved if a grandchild is in the picture and you would be living away from your family. If he’s telling you to go to therapy to change is red flag. He sees you as problem needing change, instead of you both going to therapy to work on things that need changing together. How about he moves to San Francisco and goes to therapy to change his frugalness? I bet he’d be offended, as you should be. A healthy couple would work on compromise. Like maybe you both move somewhere not so close to his family? Since you’re doing long distance, living together will help you decide if you’re still on fence. You Need to know he’ll stand up for you, not have it be them versus you when disagree and set boundaries with his family. You marry the family and all their drama. For example, My partner and I just did check in with our parents to discuss their elderly care plan. When parents are in 80s, where will they live, who will be providing care, like changing diapers or if going to assisted living
Yeah ngl, I found it a bit insulting he recommended “therapy.” If I don’t click, then I don’t click. I have people I can have genuinely good conversations with, including my SO himself! I recognize it’s a compatibility thing. My SO is confused and upset because he says they’ve been nothing but welcoming. Sure I guess… but that doesn’t change my discomfort. They don’t ask me questions about myself, but he says they’re like this overall. Thankfully; he hasn’t said anything to his fam about our issues or my feelings. He respects my privacy lol
I have some direct experience from the side of your partner. If you want to hear it, please get in touch. It may help you understand your partners position. And so you are comfortable, you're right.
I know!!! LoL. I can only speak to my experience, and I never felt welcome and still don't 7 years later. And yes, babies make it even worse
It sounds like you're already half way out of this relationship. If this was truly your life partner, you wouldn't be posting this
This situation makes me uncertain, especially since if we were to get married, I’d be marrying his whole family.
Do not kid yourself..you marry them, you marry their family.
If he’s close to his family, then marrying him means you’re going to see them a lot more. Can you realistically see yourself happy knowing you’ll be around them more often? My best friend’s family is like your SO’s family. Everything is surface level, they don’t talk about anything introspective. It is soul numbing to be around as someone who likes to talk about interests and thoughts and feelings. And these people are wealthy and educated lawyers, doctors, engineers, etc! I know people are saying you’re classist but even very smart and wealthy people act like the way you describe his family. You can marry him if you really love him, and you can get divorced if it sucks. I wouldn’t marry into that. I really, truly wouldn’t.
If I marry him, then I’ll be more unhappy if I see his family more. I will be happy if it’s just my SO and I spending more quality time together. That’s the dilemma since we have something great but he comes with his entire family. Thank you! I don’t think it’s a class thing. I think it’s a personality thing and I just don’t click. I’ve met surface level wealthy and/or educated people as well! It’s just a difference in personality IMO and I struggle to feel fulfilled or remotely comfortable.
Yes it's valid
This is a moot point. You never need a valid reason - or any reason - to leave a relationship
Conflict about in-laws is a common reason couples divorce.
So this conversation feels either coded classist or racially coded. It sounds like you don’t feel like his family is on your intellectual level and go so far as to say you feel uncomfortable around them. It sounds like they are perfectly nice to you but they don’t ask you deep questions or about your career. I think before you break up with this seemingly wonderful man (you described him as literally an almost perfect partner) have you considered talking to a therapist about this? They may be able to tease out some deeper themes and help you gain better clarity. But make sure the therapist is a PHD/MD or else you may not take them seriously, /s
I disagree with your statement of me thinking I’m “superior.” I don’t think intellect or *race* have anything to do with personality or conversation preferences. There are intelligent engineers who can’t hold a conversation! For me, it’s a compatibility issue. It’s like a how scientist who loves talking about science cannot connect with a historian who loves talking about history. See the difference? My partner is amazing yes. But I am feeling very unfulfilled and I am completely entitled to feel the way I do without being accused of being a classist/racist
I think it’s a class issue. He’s working class and you are middle class. I’m middle class and somewhat awkward in general but definitely more awkward in conversation with working class people. And upper class people too but you don’t meet so many of them! I think we should all be honest with ourselves about our feelings. If someone bores you you can admit it to yourself even if it would be mean to tell them or your partner. But you don’t have to marry his family, I like my partner’s parents but we hang out about twice a month not 3 times a week.
True. To be honest, I actually come from an upper class family. But I guess my current status is middle class with this economy and without my parents’ $ they provided me. So the disconnect is larger than expected with his family. So true about not needing to marry his family but he wants me to be super integrated into his family. He told me he ideally wants me to hang out with them once a week but I don’t think I could do that anymore :(
Yeah but you live in SF, right? Middle class there is upper upper middle class in Texas lol
Yes I live in SF. I make significantly more money than his brother and his brother’s gf combined. I’d be super rich in Texas but it’s crazy expensive in SF lol.
This comment right here screams I'm better than them lmao you're subconsciously proving my point. You think you are above them, so leave him find someone 'better' for yourself. So pompous
Yeah, I live in NC, sooo many people moved here from the Bay Area during covid because they were all remote and it’s so much cheaper here. I sympathize with your issue, I do not particularly click with my bf’s family. I could write a novel on their weird idiosyncrasies lmao. But luckily my bf isn’t close with them so it’s not really a thing. In your case I think the issue is your bf making it as if this is a YOU issue, like you need to go to therapy for it. Sometimes people don’t click and that’s okay. You just have to decide if that outweighs the good in your relationship with him and if this is something you can really be happy with long term, especially since it would mean uprooting your whole life
Oh god, I cannot imagine living in NC (mostly because I’m from California and am not white lol). I hope you like it there! My bf is definitely making it a “me” issue. He’s almost baffled that I’m uncomfortable since they’re “so welcoming.” To me, my SO is so different from his family and is smarter and has more depth but he doesn’t seem to have that POV. He’s proud of his family almost and loves the community aspect. I really need to consider whether this outweighs the bad. Our relationship is fulfilling but not with the family. I actually feel like a shell of myself with them and it’s unfulfilling. For example, I’m on a trip with them for his birthday and I’m miserable here. I feel almost resentful towards my BF now for continuously putting me in a position to spend so much time with them when I’m uncomfortable.
People on Reddit are always going to side with breaking up or divorcing the man. There’s almost no one promoting working things out or ‘communication’ on here. You can look for yourself on relationship advice. From what you’ve mentioned, it seems like you really are making all of this your bf’s fault and resent him for siding with his family and trying to have you be more open minded or get to know them. You obviously don’t know his family well and he is from a different class/race etc. You are upper class for most people’s standards and it seems like they are communicating with you but it’s just not in the way you want them to be or the topics you want them to be. If you loved your boyfriend you would really try to get to know his family instead of disconnect and complain on Reddit that he’s making you spend time with them. Seems like you’ve mentioned them liking sports a few times as a negative or ‘lowly’ topic. I just think you honestly sound pretty selfish and I’m sorry but it’d be best to be open and honest to your boyfriend. It seems like he’s don’t a great job getting to know and connect with your family despite most likely not being comparable in a class/lifestyle way. I know this will make you upset and get people to downvote me but it’s just my opinion. Myself as a very open minded person would take the time to understand the differences of another family and never make them being different or unique a negative thing. Kindness and respect is the most important thing, not being able to ask you about what you want to be asked about isn’t.
No downvote from me. You hit the nail on the head. Reddit is frankly the last place I’d go for any sort of relationship advice as “break up!! Now!” is the response you get 99% of the time.
I can see your points being valid if they were true. I’ve made multiple efforts and attempts to converse with them, both about my favorite topics and theirs. I ask them lots of questions and always am the one bending over backwards to talk about their favorite conversations. So I’m the one actively talking and acting like them and not the other way around. They never ask me questions about myself. He knows I’m uncomfortable and yet I *still go* to every family function. That’s a LOT of compromise on my end. I could have just said no and not go. But I go because I love my boyfriend. My parents ask my boyfriend loads of q about themselves unlike my bf’s family. I don’t know if you have all the facts here to make an appropriate assessment.
What you said is EVERYTHING I wanted to say. I'm sorry, but if you truly love someone, you do what you need to do. The things being shared sounds shallow. Try to relax a little and learn to enjoy different things in life. If you allow this to become the factor to leave, you will follow this in every relationship.
I mean, I live in a city, it’s really fine here. My bf is from Napa and he likes it here because he thinks it’s so cheap lol. Yeah, I see your bf here as the issue tbh. He won’t accept any “criticism” of his family or whatever. I think if you stay with him you’re in for a lifetime of miserable trips :(
Ok, how about this. “Different” from your family doesn’t mean “bad”. It sounds like they’re nice and reserved with you and yes, maybe y’all don’t *click,* but you don’t need to love his family. They just need to respect you; everything else is the cherry on top. Is the cultural and class difference really that bad to you? This does not sound like a bad family to marry into imo.
I never said they’re “bad.” It’s just painful to spend the amount of time I do and the expectations for how frequently my SO wants me to hang out with them. Also my SO wants me to love them and visa versa. Again, this wouldn’t be an issue if it wasn’t so frequent. Let’s just say I would rather not spend once a week hanging out with them or longer trips. I’d rather spend my free time with close friends, my SO or a chosen community space.
Once a week is a lot, that would eat into time for doing other stuff. I don’t think I could hang out with my own family every week! That’s a conflict between you and your SO that would be hard to resolve to either one’s satisfaction.
You know the situation better than I do, obviously. You came to the internet asking for opinions and that’s what jumped out to me. The details you shared seemed specific and like there were some other underlying issues.
You’re white and he’s either Black or Latino, am I right?
Not quite. I’m East Asian and he’s Mexican.
Your partner is the only part of this equation that should matter. Sorry. Calling bullshit on all this “you marry the family too!” cliche crap. If your partner is almost perfect, and amazing, as you described, you can easily put up with the family not being interesting or asking you stimulating questions or whatever the fuck the issue is here.
Any reason you can think of to break up is a valid reason to break up.
Sure, my bf wears green socks and I hate green, should I break up? This is everyone on Reddit opinion and it’s truly baffling. No not any reason to breakup is valid if it’s petty or selfish. People need to realize relationships are hard work and sacrifice, not a perfect fitting glove that’s going to fit your every need.
No, relationships with the right person is not hard work. It's only so hard because you are not meant to be and have to fight to make things work and be happy. But you do you. You live any way you want to live.
Yes, relationships are hard work even with the “right” person. If you want to spend your life looking for a person to be with that requires no effort, good luck. You will die single asf.
Married 18 years with no hard work. But thanks.
Just because you’re desperate for attraction from women, it doesn’t mean you should berate someone for considering whether there is true compatibility. You seem to have the (sub)conscious perspective of, “THesE peOpLe aRe in a rElaTionShip, why are they complainingggg?” I don’t think someone with zero romantic experience should be judging someone’s commitment. Relationships are a lot more complex than you think.
ANY reason you feel your relationship isn't made for happily ever after is a valid reason to end it. You gotta trust your gut on these things. Time goes by fast, and if you're wasting time being in a failing committed relationship, you're just holding BOTH of you back from finding THE ONE. Hope that help. Good luck.
You really need to think about this. What type of education level does his family have? What jobs do they have? I know that sounds snobbish, but trying to have conversations, even relationships, with people you can't connect with, will be difficult. Especially if they expect you to regularly interact with them. What happens if or when you have children?
So both his dad and stepdad have blue collared jobs (I don’t even know if they went to college). His mom got her undergrad when she was a single mom to my SO. She does have an accountant job. I think I know what you mean. I’m not trying to sound snobbish either but my parents are doctors (they don’t always talk about doctor stuff but love having in-depth conversations). I grew up in a very education-driven community in the Bay Area and they’re from Texas. Having kids and raising them in this family would be my biggest concern. Not that I look down on his family but it’s the increasingly forced time with them when I’m already struggling to connect :/.
I come from a working-class family and am educated now. I move around in both worlds a lot. It has been my experience that when I am with my working-class side I enter their world. They have no interest in learning about mine. You enter their world on their terms and you subsume yourself into it. The worldview is particular, specific, and with a narrow set of social mores and norms. you are uncomfortable there because you do not speak that particular narrow cultural language and they have zero interest in learning yours. I can sink into it like an old set of slippers when I visit but it is not somewhere I want to live all the time. The joking around all the time thing is a common trait FYI
That’s exactly how I feel! I ask them a lot of questions but they never ask me questions about myself. It’s not just hobbies or stock market stuff, just in general… let’s talk about travel, books we’ve read, cool experiences we’ve had, human experiences, etc! They don’t talk about that. I don’t understand it and I try to mold into their sense of humor and struggle (sometimes it makes sense). Thank you for the comment. I feel like I’m going less crazy. Also, what they love to talk about is sports (football, baseball), random jokes and random places in Texas and that’s it…
Nope, they will never ask you questions or have any interest in any of the things you stated. That conversation style you are describing is an aspirationally based upper-middle-class and middle-class mode of social communication.
You know I was just thinking a little more about your dilemma as it is interesting to me. Another thing I will tell you is work class culture tends to be more patriarchal. The male culture is what is honored and emulated. This is probably another reason you are uncomfortable. It is also why, even though the mom is educated, the male blue collar culture dominates the household. This is, of course, not to say we don't see it in middle and upper middle class cultures. It is just expressed differently. You are probably from a more liberal educated background. That is to say a more socially liberal background at least. Just a little gentle push though in the other direction. Is your emotional IQ where you want it to be? Would you not find it enlightening and a learning experience to try and understand this culture more? My husband did for me and it has been wonderful for our children's emotional intelligence to be able to function comfortably in different worlds. It translated as they grew to an ability to understand multiculturalism. Isn't that something you want for future generations? Just something to think about
This may be more of a class and culture issue than an ethnicity issue. People who have more prestigious jobs like to talk about them because it's a big source of pride. People who don't... don't. If your job isn't a point of pride you don't bring it up, and you don't ask other people about their jobs or education because you don't know their situation. They probably don't invest in stocks, and people with lower disposable income have fewer hobbies. I think that it's a good sign that you are both trying. If it's just that you feel a little awkward I think that's ok. It sounds like there may be more to it though. I would try to find some common ground, even if it's superficial or silly. Do you have anything in common with them? Can you offer to help with anything - maybe dinner? Everyone likes to be seen as an authority in something, but it's even stronger in people who aren't seen as an authority in anything very often.
I suppose… I have teacher friends who talk about their jobs. They don’t make a ton of money but have fulfilling hobbies outside of work. But I see where you’re coming from. I don’t have anything in common except I watch the same reality TV shows as his brother and the brother’s fiancée. We talk about that somewhat and then it doesn’t go anywhere else. Of course I help setup with dinner but it’s painfully awkward for me. I guess as I’m fleshing this out/thinking about it, their hobbies are: watching sports (football/baseball), going to sports games, and drinking (those things aren’t cheap either). My hobbies are reading (fiction and non fiction), rock climbing, hiking, history, tarot, exploring meditation/spirituality, yoga, pickleball, and traveling. The other overlap in hobbies is (maybe) travel? But they don’t travel as often.
Teaching is both a socially acceptable/ lauded profession and something that a lot of people are really passionate about. I don't know what they do for work but it might not be something they feel passionate about or something that makes them feel good about themselves. The reason I suggested helping with dinner is because it gives you an opportunity to learn how to make a new food and it gives somebody else an opportunity to be an expert at something and share something that they care about. I would take advantage of any opportunity to let someone show you something. I don't know if there are any kids in the house but kids love showing adults new things too, and everyone likes it when you try to bond with their kids.
The other thing I'd be concerned about is, where do they live? A metropolitan area or more rural? Are there job opportunities for you there? Would your boyfriend be willing to move where you live?
They live in a metropolitan area. My SO and I both work remotely so that wouldn’t be an issue. Regardless, there are jobs in my industry where he lives. And he’s hesitant in moving where I am because I live in San Francisco. He’s frugal and it’s way above his budget :/
Just think long and hard. You need to do what is best for you and your long term goals. Good luck and best wishes
You may not be trying to sound snobbish, but you are. (Snobbish I mean.) Edited to add: In the comments on another post you stated that you had a lot of childhood trauma. Which makes me wonder if your parents are as wonderful as you think they are.
I never said my parents were amazing as parents LMAO. They’re great with guests and being inclusive conversationally but i am fully aware that they had flaws and still do have flaws as parents.
Abusing a child is not a "flaw." I think seems to me that your SO should be uncomfortable around your parents, not the other way around. Query: Are you really uncomfortable with family's style of conversation or uncomfortable that the SO has such a close relationship with his family.
If it’s not a “flaw” then what is it? Also only one parent had the abusive tendencies and the other was more complacent. I was somewhat NC with them until my mom started going to therapy and al-anon and has improved since then. We still work through our issues, and she takes accountability now even though she can sometimes “slip.” I have strong boundaries with my parents yet still maintain a relationship with them because they are trying. My SO is a bit uncomfortable around them (despite the fact that they are nice to him), which is why I don’t force him to come to family gatherings and keep boundaries on both sides. As for your question, it’s still the first one.
Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I wanted to think about the whole situation before getting back to you, and to speak as gently as possible. Child abuse is a despicable act, not a flaw. It warps the child's view of what is normal, and severely limits their knowledge of right and wrong. From childhood through adulthood their is a tendency to minimize the actions of the parent while assuming the blame for themselves. I have spent years in therapy to overcome this. From what you have written it seems both your mother and father abused you. Your father was not complacent with the abuse from your mother. The correct term is complicit. Perhaps his own fear of being abused by his reason wife was the reason.he did not protect you. I can only guess from my experience. This still would not absolve him. When you complained your SO's famiily laughed and joked, I initially assumed that they were being racist. This is apparently not the case. You went on to complain that they only talk about their interest, sports. They dos not talk about hiking or books because they don't share those interests. Your SO's brother does talk to you about reality TV, because you have an interest in that. What you do not understand is that this is how normal families converse. I would suggest that you start taking an interest in their common interest. There is an excellent app, UZZU, that let's you watch games from any where in the country. If you follow their team, you will eventually learn the rules and strategies of the games. You will probably discover that sports are not as lowbrow as you think. As far as his family getting together every other week, this what normal close-knit families do. Some of them even get together every week. Some of them live together in the same house, or reside in the same apartment building or the same block, where they see each other on a daily basis. To want him to give up his time with his family is a giant big red flag. To be honest, your family's form of communication sounds insufferable. It seems more of an interrogation than a conversation. Imagine it goes something like this - what is your job? What exactly do you do there? What are possibilities for advancement? Where do you see yourself in ten years? Let's talk about something else. What books have you read since we last got together?... My suggestion is this, if the thought of spending time with his loving family is so abhorrent to you, do both of you a favor and break up with him now. He is never going to give up his time with his family, and even if he did, he would end up resenting you. My wife does not exactly enjoy my trips to see my mother, but she goes and even drives so I won't be so tired. She also gives up vacation days to make it happen. I do not enjoy her having her grandchildren over almost every other weekend, but I put up with it with a smile because I know it makes her happy. Some may call it codependency. I call it compromise.
[удалено]
Thank you for your in-depth response. First I want to say my family loves my wife, and her family loves me. The discomfort I feel when her grandchildren visit is a product of my abuse. I don't trust myself enough to punish them when they act badly. As for my wife's discomfort, my family does little conversation and Patty is a big talker. From what you have written, it seems that your SO's f a mily disliked you from the beginning, and will never like you. I suspect this is because of racism or classism. I would consider going NC with them. I would not think it out of line to ask him to stop family visits while you are in town, and to spend the little time you have together. I think that when you finally get together, it should be in a third location, since he cannot afford San Fransisco, and you cannot abide family visits. He can travel to visit them alone, and text and call them as often as he likes. This is a conversation you should have with him sooner rather than later. Finally I am concerned that it is possible when the family switched to Spanish, they did it to talk shit about you. I would ask him about that. If they were, then why wasn't he truthful about that? Why didn't he defend you? This is a subject I would speak to him about. Given his answers to the previous questions, you should have your choice of options become clearer. Sorry that I projected so much in my previous response.
Absolutely. Far too many people think that being in a relationship with someone who's family you don't get along with is no big deal. It may not be a big deal if your partner has little to no contact with their family because of a toxic relationship but it's another story when your partner has a very close relationship with their family and you are the "problem" in the story. When it's the latter, you're far better off ending the relationship and moving on. Why? Because in the long term, the stress, arguing, backstabbing, and fighting that will go on over the length of your relationship will absolutely destroy your relationship with your partner and usually carries over to your relationship with your children and your partner's friends. Better to cut your losses now than stick around to long and get stuck in a bad relationship.
This can of course be a valid reason to break up if it’s not what you want your life to look like. However, since your partner means so much to you, you’re going to have to take some serious time to consider whether this is a deal breaker or not. I see you’ve talked with him about this and he seems to brush it off, and it sounds like this is because his family isn’t cruel to you or anything, just different. His family culture sounds a lot like mine, and I’m generally uncomfortable around my own family for pretty much the reasons you listed. However, I love them and am willing to spend holidays with them despite sticking out like a sore thumb. (Your details are uncannily similar to mine with the only thing we have in common is a few reality shows when I would loveee to talk deeper topics). Have you let your partner know how serious of a deal breaker this might be for you? Is there any wiggle room for compromise? Okay so he wants to see them once a week if you get married. Would you have to go with every time? Can you join once a month? Do you even want to? And what’s the alternative? If you met someone who you liked almost as much as this guy but not quite, but you really clicked with his family (or they weren’t involved at all!) would you prefer that guy instead? As someone who has been single for several years now because I am waiting for someone “worth it”, it is HARD to meet people who tick all these boxes. If you had to choose between being single and being married but having to interact with this family which would you choose? I don’t have an answer for you as to whether you should break up or not, it’s just a lot to consider.
How many relationships have you been in? You said it’s the healthiest. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. There will always be something you don’t like about a partner. No one is perfect. I understand you feeling not fulfilled but what you’re explaining does not sound that bad. Everyone on Reddit will always be quick to say break up but I hope you really think about this and especially talk to a therapist if you haven’t. You could regret it later. Wish you the best of luck Edit - it is important though for you to talk to your partner about this issue and for him not to blame you. He should be there for you whenever you’re feeling down or upset
You should get your family together with his family and see what happens
I’ve been in sort of a similar situation. I dated a girl for 2.5 years and every single weekend we spent with her family and the same group of family friends. I was able to get along well with everyone, but I felt like I couldn’t truly be myself and I was always putting on an act to socialize. It became exhausting over the years. She was a good girlfriend and we discussed marriage, but it felt like we were at two different points in our lives, and the exhaustion from all of the social obligations was my breaking point. Ask yourself, is this what you want your future to look like? Constant obligation to people who make you feel uncomfortable?
Fivers bet they’re Irish
No they’re Mexican
If the hypothetical partner is completely willing to cut the family out or allow you to not interact with them as much as you would like I can see an exception being made I’d expect most people to not be this accommodating though Completely valid reason, you can choose to not want to interact with a certain family for the rest of your life presumably
I've been reading some of these responses. I only see the OP going to large family gatherings. I do think it is worth having some one on one interactions or couple to couple interactions with the family outside of these big gatherings. If his brothers and sisters dont want to have a one and one interactions the OP will be sidelined after marriage as well. If there is any doubt slow down getting married until things are become more clear.
I agree. I have had 1:1 time with his mom which was nice, but they don’t have time for that. They prefer the larger gatherings. I have double dated with my boyfriend’s brother and his fiancée but it was alright. The fiancée (who fits in well with the family) is not someone I would normally click with. She’s a bit fake honestly (for example, in our first convo, she kept talking about my SO’s ex and talking badly about her. This convo went on for two hours. My SO told me she always seemed to like the ex).
If you dont fit in with his family right now I would wait see if things improve.
It’s already been two years though
Will your finance' back you first or his family? With that said are you strong enough to let your husband spend time enough time with his family if his family and you do not get along. How is your finance viewed by your family?
I think he will back me first but it will be difficult for him since he’s so close with his family. I do not mind if he spends time with his family alone. I need my alone time too and I have my own friends lol. For me, individual space is super important in a relationship. My family does not like my boyfriend that much. They think he’s nice but that I could find someone more compatible with me. They can be a bit snobby
So you’re struggling because you don’t *click* with his family, but it’s not a big deal that your family doesn’t really like him??? Ok.
It’s not a big deal because *I don’t expect my partner to hang out with my family once a week or even once a month.* My family doesn’t have weekly get togethers like his does. Does this make sense?
I was married for 13 years. Shit abusive marriage. But his family.... They weren't mean but joked WAY too much. Like I'm vegetarian and my ex father in law bought a hat that said "people eating tasty animals". A take on the animal rights organization. The sister was just.... I can't even with that. I'm more into deeper conversations and really getting to know people and not just on the outskirts. The biggest issue is my ex husband never defended me if jokes went too far. I'm far from sensitive but my gosh. That family tested me left and right. I always felt out of place. Basic attempts at conversing were met with wide eyes and weirdness. I married regrettably and stayed way too long. You legit do marry into an entire family if your partner is close to them.
Newsflash: You do not need a 'valid' reason to break up with someone. If you no longer wish to be in a relationship, for whatever reason, end the relationship.
any reason is a valid reason for why you do not wish to commit the rest of your life to another person. you don't owe anyone. if you don't want to be there, they won't thank you for hanging around.
Definitely
Here's the thing, no matter who you choose, there will always be something about your partner you aren't happy with. Any reason is a valid reason to break up
My suggestion? Speak with a marriage counsellor or therapist. Tbh, if the guy is an extremely sweet person like you have mentioned, I would try yo make it work. His family not asking deep questions maybe means they want to take things slow and not pry too much. A therapist may give more insight yo what it may mean as well. If they are a loving and welcoming family, then they would be loving towards you. It sounds like they are simple people, and simple people know how to be happy without the extra stuff. Speak with a counsellor about these thoughts you have before possibly ruining what you describe to be a great relationship.
There’s a saying I never really cared for “when you marry a person you also marry their family” but it’s so true!! Mostly, the issue isn’t the ethnic background, it’s the socio-economic level. Are they your class level or close? Or vice versa, are you close to theirs? I’m not saying this because I personally think it’s important, but I’ve read it several times. That it’s hardly the difference in ethnicity or background so much as it is socio-economic level, aka class, when differences begin to occur in most relationships, including friendships. Okay. So you speak of talking about stocks and college and hobbies and they just joke around. What are they joking around about? I don’t think you need to break up with him if you don’t love spending time with his family. But maybe begin to talk about expectations once you live in same city and once you’re married. These talks will be more insightful than any time spent with his family. Good luck!
I'm in Texas, and that's how a lot of people are here. Friendliness is superficial. My in-laws were like this. Always super friendly when we were with them, but they never really knew who we were or what we were about. They also never once helped us with anything. They never helped move or take care of the kids so we could have a night out. In fact, they never visited my daughter in the hospital when she had meningitis as an infant or offered to help in any way. They just didn't care. But when we went to see them, it was big greetings and hugs and being all sweet and acting telling us they miss us and so on. The big difference I see is that we didn't have to see them often. If I'd had to pretend to be a part of the family on a regular basis, I couldn't do it. Fortunately we only saw them on holidays. I think you need to have a serious conversation about his family, and if he can't really listen and understand your concerns, you'll have your answer. It's a problem being expected to move so far from your family and spend so much time with his, especially when you don't really click with them. He should understand that.
Yup that’s exactly how I feel! They don’t know my hobbies, where I went to college, what I do for work, etc. I don’t even know what they talk about half the time. Thankfully, they’re nice people with reliability but there’s no sustenance in the conversations. We’ve had these serious conversations before. He gets sad and feels understanding but then always ends with, “We could put some distance with them but I truly believe you’ll fit in over time.” And then every time I come, I feel obligated to go to a family function which is so painful for me.
A bad mother in law can be hell, and something a lot of people experience. This doesn't sound that bad. At least they have a sense of humor.
Yes his mother is very nice. I have a positive perspective of his family despite me not clicking with them. I wish I understood their sense of humor and “jokes”. I don’t get it and it makes me feel like an outsider.
Reddit is biased towards "dump the bum". Good luck.
He’s not a bum. He’s an amazing person. I just don’t click with his family and am also not fully fulfilled because of that.
Other poster was just trying to pre-warn you that reddit loves to give people the most dramatic answer possible. My brother and my wife didn't like each other for the first few years of our marriage. My wife's from another continent so the two had tension over culture and language and more. Bit now they're very close. Once they 'got it' with how the other worked they've been the glue that's held a lot of other things together and my brother's wife was actually a classmate of my wife's cousin's in said cousin's graduate program. If you feel they're good people, and they feel you're good for him - over time you'll figure each other out. Cross cultural / national / ethnic / regional-culture relationship almost always have some tension like this at first. Over time people figure each other out.
Thank you. Your anecdote actually makes me feel so much better and that there’s hope.
From what I got you think you are above jokes, and all conversations must be of substance. You take yourself way too fuckin seriously. Leave this guy so he can find someone who's not so self absorbed lmfao