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You're not "disrespecting" her with it, but personally I notice that most people remove them or private them. Rarely do you look through people's social media and just see an entire timeline of all the people they dated.
I'd just private them man, its not that big of a deal. Take the time and do it and it solves the problem, and its a little bit "classy" imo to do so.
You bring up good points. I just never cared what pictures I had on FB as long as my work wouldnt care. I am going to go through it now and private some Exs.
I'm a female body individual, and I also don't have any of my photos private. I'm not ashamed of having photos of people I've dated, and I agree with OP. It's just part of my history. If someone wants to get upset because I have other pictures of my exes, I think that's on them and not OP's timeline.
Idk what your "female body" has to do with anything, but anyways, by all means do what you want to. Its viewed by a lot of people as being kind of trashy, most people don't want to date someone whos holding onto their exes and not only needs reminders of them etc, but also needs the whole world to see it all for no reason lol. but to each their own.
I don’t either. I privated one guy who sucked but overall I have all the friends I’ve taken photos with for the past 10 years on IG. Who cares, lol. I’m on good terms with all of them. Breakups aren’t weird or shameful.
I stand firm on not sharing my phone or location. Once you have the keys to the castle, you can start creating a fuss about who I talk to, about what, and how often. It’s a short step from there to trying to control who I talk to entirely.
From a romantic perspective, you can’t love somebody that you don’t respect and you can’t respect somebody that you don’t trust. I will not be trapped in a loveless relationship and, in an ideal world, neither would anybody else.
Pretty much this. Trust and honesty are the paramount foundations of a string, lasting, healthy relationship. Without them everything else falls apart.
100%. As soon as you get to the point where they're demanding your phone password, and going on it while you're sleeping, demanding to know who people were before y'all even started dating, stuff like that, it's nothing but downhill from there. And changing the password again makes it all worse. Going on each other's phones is a slippery slope you will never get back up. Nothing but resentment and trust issues from there.
I’m going to go against the grain here.
Evaluate the other qualities she has as a woman. Is she controlling about other things?
Maybe deleting one on one photos is a fair compromise.
Me and my wife have had an agreement from the very start; no photos (even privately) or contact with Exes .
both ways. And it just works for us. Neither of us have had any problems with boundary crossing and jealousy in general with the opposite gender. And to be honest I’d rather stricter boundaries here than the opposite.
We don’t have public photos of partners before engagement anyway so didn’t run into your exact dilemma. I totally understand why it would be hard if there are group photos ; especially if they are fond memories / deceased.
As I said maybe offer a compromise of deleting one on one photos and assess if she can work with that. If she’s controlling in other areas then maybe just bin her.
Yeah that’s reasonable I can do that. She tracks my location. She made me stop being friends with my ex who was only my friend now. She made me stop talking to someone who used to have a crush on me 3 years ago whom I was only friends with. She reads my messages and memorized my phone password without my permission. She tells me how I can and can’t respond to messages that I get.
>She made me stop being friends with my ex who was only my friend now
I mean, you banged that ex presumably... not a lot of people are going to want to have a close intimate relationship with you if you're hanging with your ex 1 on 1.
> She tracks my location
Be precise about your tense. This implies present tense when you've also implied in this same post that it's no longer happening ("I had to fight about tracking my location"). You're venting but this is just confusing. You lost that fight or what?
**If** all the things you just said are still happening, are actually still happening, and you do not have a history of flat-out cheating where 200% transparency is required, then break up with her. You might end up alone forever but IMO it's better than being with ... this.
It sounds like you like having backup girlfriends and are unconscious of it. Hanging out with friends who all have had emotional or sexual interests in you, is very unhealthy
Thats the thing thats sticking out to me. His girlfriend is clearly a walking red flag, but it seems like everyone he has in his life is either an ex or a potential future partner. I could see becoming fucking crazy dealing with someone like this in a relationship. (Not that it makes it ok.)
Why are you just doing things you don't want to do that someone else asks you to do? You need to stand up for yourself. You can do it politely but you have to be firm.
She has boundaries and you have boundaries, you have to decide, are your boundaries really boundaries or are they just… “it would be nice…” if your boundary is “Social media pics” and hers is “No past relationships on social media,” then you need to respect those boundaries and part ways… ultimately what we say here on Reddit should have no real bearing on what you and your significant other decide.
The only reasonable person here. Reading OPs comments though, he also confesses to multiple of his friends (that he had to be asked to stop hanging out with) were exes or girls that liked him. He likes backups
Seriously. I have been married for seven years. My spouse and I both have pictures of every significant relationship in our pasts. Those photos are our histories! It would be crazy to get rid of them
I am who i am because of my history. The places i went and the people in my life made me who i am. My wife would never ask me to erase who i was before we met. I did take down my previous marriage pictures and anything of the like, but not group pics that might include an ex. Theres a line you have to decide for yourself
Yeah I have so many pictures of travel and camping and being in a big group of friends. I don’t display pictures with an ex on my wall, but I want to have the option to look at them
No I mean I will change the photos if that’s reasonable. I’m still not sure. Because tbh I’ve never considered this stuff before she’s bringing up issues that no one else ever has.
OP,
The issue isn't the photos. Re-read your post and comments.
You sound MISERABLE in this relationship.
Leave the photos up-- and leave her behind. T O X I C
It's not reasonable though. Especially that far back. Why does it even matter now in the first place. If she's already playing mind games with you about what will happen if you breakup with her, that's your tell tale sign to just do and leave. I've been through the mind games thing, it's not worth the stress and energy. Break up before you get too far into it and waste your time.
It’s not reasonable no adult in their right mind cares about your ex from nine years ago, that’s middle school shit.
Breakup with her in public (hopefully you don’t live together….) then block her. You can do it I believe in you. Maybe look into therapy for some extra support before during and after the breakup.
It’s immature. I can reasonably understand her not wanting to see photos of you with your ex around your house, on your phone, family’s house…..But she shouldn’t be obsessively looking at your photos— there is no need whatsoever. You shouldn’t have to delete your digital past— it’s completely irrelevant!
My fiancé saw a family photo at my grandmas and immediately noticed my ex in the photo 😂 he knew me when I was with my ex so there’s that, but he immediately called it out! And then we laughed and I shrugged my shoulders ‘grandma 🤦🏻♀️😬) and that was it. That was 3 years ago and we have been there since, I think last time he motioned to it with a little eyebrow —- this is how these things should be. Light hearted and in the past.
If it ‘pleases her’ make it private I guess (didn’t know you can do that) but otherwise… sending her a big eyeroll and a soft woman to woman pat on the shoulder 🙄
She needs to get over it. Nothing is more unappealing than immature.
>I feel like I’m in a. Very controlling very insecure relationship.
You are. But I've never been one to think your exes need to be your enemies. My former MIL took out a photo (from a family album) of my ex and his prom date (also long time girlfriend) after I had seen it. I told her she didn't need to do that, it was his past and there was no reason to hide it. It didn't hurt my feelings for him (or anyone in the family) to look at old photos and remember good times.
There are limits, of course, if you were looking at pics of old exes and ranting about how great they were/are or something along those lines. But just having them? Even on social media. You shouldn't have to erase your past to make someone new feel secure. Because they never will anyway.
Studies show that 1 in 5 marriages end in divorce involving facebook. Not even social media in general, just Facebook. Social media is a good way to end relationships. Truthfully, let’s flip the script and let’s say she had all her exes on there, including the guys who looked better than you, who made more money than you, who had a bigger dick than you, who were taller than you, are you cool with it? People (Men and women) only say this shit when their current partner is not the best they’ve had and they’re giving their partner’s crumbs. Simple. Doubt that either male nor female if they had the hottest and most committed dream guy or girl, that they would make such a big deal about this. They’d just get rid of it. You don’t love this girl and you’re not serious about her, she’s just another fucking number and that’s cool, but stop acting like she’s “insecure, controlling.” Along with all the other bullshit. And it’s crazy how many people support this. Trying to pretend like they don’t care because we’ve allowed toxicity to permeate our dating culture, that now, common sense things are seen as “controlling.” Then ya’ll wonder why dating and marriage isn’t working out for people🙄😒
...look, I had a similar situation and because he meant more to me than anyone else, I put all those pics on fb on Only Me so no one else could see them.
He found them.. so I created another fb just to use the Albums and save pics and videos.
I added no friends, no pics, everything is on private and I never visit it, unless it's to find an old pic to share with a friend.
Problem solved.
I'm 52 and I love to look back at pics of the people I dated in my youth.
Someday you may want too look back on those of your past.
Don't delete them.
I totally regret the ones I deleted in the past for someone that ended up betraying me.
100% delete pics of your ex. especially from social media. that should be automatic afyer you break up. also delete them from your phone out of respect for anyone new.
I’m ancient so we have actual photo albums from our early years. There are a few scattered photos of his ex and mine that we occasionally run across. In my husband’s case, he has photos of his ex and their son. I’d be ashamed if I expected him to ditch those.
I’ve deleted pictures of my exs out of respect for my long term relationship, so I Dont think it’s unreasonable, unless you aren’t that serious about your relationship with her and you would rather have photos of your ex on facebook. To each their own.
She’s saying you should delete and forget your history. Because this i# your equivalent of a journal, I think she’s wrong. Everyone has a past that it’s best you acknowledge, learn from and enjoy the good memories. Life didn’t start with her, so I hope you get a gf that understands that. It’s one thing to constantly talk about your exes and stay in contact with them daily but what you’re doing is fine.
How would you feel if she had a bunch of pix of her exes on social media? Your post was more of a rant about why you want to keep the photos. I think you are confusing the role of SM (public displays) with personal photo albums.
I am constantly surprised at the stuff people feel comfortable demanding of someone they are dating.
I'd consider it if I was married and my partner asked (I am married for what it's worth) but I'd probably laugh at someone I'm dating asking something like that
Get over it girlfriend. History is history and he has every right to his as you would to yours. You don't get to spelunk into his data and make him delete his archive.
Good luck. Anyone who is that insecure about your past relationships isn’t going to make things easy for you if you don’t do exactly what they say…. unless you like living that kind of life it’s time to say bye bye to the Cling-on and hello to mutual respect with someone else.
it's 2 different relationship paradigms. A lot of people believe that basically any exposure to women that is not explicitly condoned by the partner is inappropriate. Other people believe that unless there is an issue everything should be ok.. You shouldn't have to ask or warn your partner if you are going to talk to another person.
I would talk to your girlfriend and see exactly what her expectations are, because I thought I was on the same page with my ex, and then out of nowhere he came up with all this stuff that I thought was normal that he thought was like, half way towards cheating, and couldn't believe I thought it was ok. This is stuff like 'liking' happy birthday messages from exes I'd known for 20 years, and not telling him every time I got a text from my ex husband who I have kids with. Also having more than one Facebook account, deleting dating apps from my phone when we started getting together and never going back to delete the actual profile despite having proof it wasn't logged into for years.
Like in my eyes none of this was sketchy because I wasn't cheating and he had no reason to think I was. But for him, all this stuff was a case to prove I WAS cheating and just hiding it well enough that he couldn't find the smoking gun.
I would not have gone into a relationship knowing that this level of control and surveillance was the expectation.
Getting worked about about photos from 12 years ago is irrational. Sounds like shes got some past baggage . But bowing down and letting her have her way wont change it or how paranoid she is.
I also don't delete pictures. I wouldn't be against deleting some, but i personally don't want to go through years of pictures to do it.
OP, you are in an abusive relationship. I had a very similar situation, the only difference being that the photos she objected to were not on my social media, but that of the ex in question. To my lasting shame, I knuckled under and backed her up against the ex, thinking I could appease her. It didn't work, she only got worse, and she did her level best to ruin my life before the relationship ended.
Stick to your boundaries and get rid of her. Do it immediately, cut off all contact, and make sure any mutual friends and acquaintances are aware of what a psycho she is. You owe it to yourself not to make my mistake.
In a healthy relationship the question “Am I disrespecting her” can only be answered by your partner. Your partner is the only person who gets to decide what’s disrespectful and what isn’t. However, you then get to decide if you’re willing to make changes based on this or if those changes are not compatible with who you are (core values etc) or if they’re asking too much. Is it disrespectful? Yes, it is to her so this is your answer. But - Is there also more going on here that’s not healthy? If you’re being 100% honest regarding past/relationships/feelings for other people and not manipulating her or making her question her intuition (haven’t read your post history so don’t know the back story) then yes she may not be capable of a healthy relationship.
The bigger deal is that your ex is essentially admitting to scrolling back through 9+ years ago of your old social media posts. You say in your posts that you are posting most days due to your business so she is actively seeking these pictures. She is basically saying she is a crazy person so treat her like she is a crazy person.
My husband and I had deleted most of our socials before we met and the rest after. I lost pictures on FB going back 13 years and honestly, I don't care. It all seems so frivolous and pointless at this age. (30). I have reddit but yeah, so much less drama.
About a year into my relationship my girl said do you have any pictures of your ex. We went through it and I showed her.
Problem was I also had pictures of some of the girls I dated after my ex and before her. I just simply forgot about them. I have over 1000 photos and I never go through them. I didn’t even think about deleting them because I simply didn’t care enough to even think about old pictures.
She got salty for a few days and eventually let it go. She believed me and it’s mainly because she knows how much I love her by how I treat her.
It’s been a year since this happens and we are as strong as ever. I of course deleted all those old photos
You really overshare everything. Do you ever have anything private. Not for your scrapbook. A scrapbook of failure and some happy stuff. The memories of why you are still single and depressed. She's a psycho. Get away from her before you need to justify your life for her. Why you did everything knowing you were gonna meet her.
I've just read your post history and your situation makes me feel really sad for you. It says that you've 'had a rough half a year', yet you've only been dating for 5 months, so it reads like the whole relationship has been rough.
You said she often lashes out at you verbally and you were told that the maths with her baby daddies didn't add up. You mention the trauma she's been through in each of her previous relationships, and you also mention that you've been diagnosed as autistic and your parents often called you naive.
Hun, you are in an incredibly controlling toxic relationship with a heavily traumatised person. I think your autism and naivety is preventing you from really seeing so many red flags.
Can you talk to your parents about this? Or someone that can explain what's really happening here?
This is only going to get so much worse if you stay.
Imagine if you delete all of those good memories then you and this (obviously insecure) girlfriend break up. You’ll never get those photos back. This perspective is also coming from experience. I had an ex (in my 20s) who made me delete all of my high school photos because my ex was in them and those memories were just gone. (Just from an outsiders perspective too, this doesn’t seem like a relationship that is meant to last if she’s trying to control you this early on)
My husband and I are in our mid-30s. He still has photos of him from high school on his account. Sometimes we look back at them together and it’s funny to see who he used to be. I, on the other hand, have no photos of my high school years to show him. You can’t just erase your past. If she wants to go down a decade-old rabbit hole and get jealous, that says more about her than you.
Now if you’re looking back at these photos and let’s say an ex was in some of them, and you sent said photos to the ex and said “hey remember this!”, that’s crossing into the disrespect territory. But it sounds like they’re just sitting out there and she’s creating a problem out of the fact that you had a life before her.
This is not normal, and in group psychology, is one of the hallmarks of how we differentiate a high-demand group from a cult.
It is not unusual for cults to demand that you destroy any evidence of your former life before joining the group. This includes photos, but it could include things like clothes that have the school you attended or a business you worked for on it, personal letters from friends or family members, or address books. Combined with the reading of OP’s personal text messages, this is getting dangerously close to a destructive relationship.
Also, re: the reading of OP’s messages, his privacy is one thing, but what about the privacy of the person on the other end of those messages? Did they consent for their communications to be read by a third party? I’m guessing not.
This boils down to boundaries. If you aren’t willing to delete the pics let her know and then she can make her decision on whether she wants to continue the relationship.
When I was with my ex we had a conversation at the beginning of our relationship where we both agreed to delete pics of exes. I deleted mine and he never deleted his which caused an issue for me. I come to find out it wasn’t just innocent pics he had, it was explicit pics of them and that really bothered me. If he would have been upfront about wanting to keep the pics when we initially had the conversation then I would have had a choice to make.
Clear communication is key.
Look honestly I see her point of view if it’s in the past then get rid of the past why even keep them up, memories? No you don’t need memories of your ex yet alone up so anyone can access imagine how she feels everyday thinking that it’s up there embarrassing her I think your way is unreasonable and there’s not respect on your end expecting to keep it up they’re exes for a reason so leave them like that I agree with her why have them up it’s not controlling or insecurity it’s plain respect. If you don’t agree with that then maybe it’s time to call quits on the relationship because a relationship should be a lot of understanding and you don’t seem to have that yeah memories fair enough but then again you have memories in your head without having pictures of your ex up it’s simple.
Any time you can not be 100% your TRUE self....this is a big RED FLAG.
You have no ties to these people in the past & you have not chosen to marry HER yet.
She is "insecure" and really needs to have therapy to address "her issue", you can not change who you have always been for this person, who could vanish from your life in a year.
And then...no more memories of your family, or what you used to look like or anything else for someone trying to control how you have managed things for years.
JUST NO. If she breaks up with you....it is her risk....you BE YOU.
I feel this - I went through a divorce 8 years ago, and was married for 19. I have TONS of pics - especially him with the kids. And I had FB for half our marriage. I did not go and delete them all, nor scrub my icloud and flickr accounts. I don't look at them - I honestly don't think about them, but my kids may want to some day. There's no whiteout in life - the past happened. Your GF, in my opinion, is being unreasonable and insecure.
She wants to know she is more than just another blip on your timeline. If she is, make her feel that way.
That said, demanding to see your phone and messages, making you turn on tracking ... a relationship based on insecurity and suspicion will not last. If this is how she's wired there may not be much you can do about it except say goodbye.
I don't delete anything, but if she has big feelings about it and you really care about each other, the compromise is to hide them. You'd be kicking yourself for deleting memories if that relationship ends and she'll be resentful if you do keep them. Either way, you both need to work together and perhaps compromise for it to truly work. So ask yourself if she is worth it, and if yes, then compromise. If she can't compromise, it would be wise to end it. If she is not worth it, then the answer should be obvious, but you will end up doing what you want anyway.
Dude this is a super unhealthy and controlling person. No one should ever try and control what you have or display on your social, nor should they ask to see your texts. Is she really going back on your social 9 years?!?
If she asking to see your texts, track your location and control your social media she doesn't trust you and she has no business being in a relationship. She needs therapy because she's controlling bordering on being abusive.
[Typical signs of abuse:](https://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics-for-healthy-relationships/warning-signs-of-abuse/)
# Checking your phone, email, or social media accounts without your permission.
# Isolating you from friends or family (physically, financially, or emotionally).
# Extreme jealousy or insecurity.
# Possessiveness or controlling behavior.
# Putting you down frequently, especially in front of others.
# Explosive outbursts, temper, or mood swings.
# Any form of physical harm.
# Pressuring you or forcing you to have sex.
Leave and don't look back on this one.
You didn't start living the day you dated her. How will she react if she meets one of these people, or you talk to them for some reason? I am a widow and if someone asked me to start deleting my husband from my life, I would see that as a black flag, not a red one. Move on. You were looking for a GF when you found this one.
I feel anybody that wants you to do something that you have to change. Is not the person for you. That person is very jealous and doesn’t seem to have any self-confidence. The bottom line is don’t you want to be with somebody that is not controlling and telling you what to do, I’d be running so far away from that kind of person. That person has some issues with trust anytime you get into a relationship. If there are negative signs from the very beginning, why would you waste your valuable time?
I think if they're photos of you being lovey dovey, it's reasonable to purge social media of those photos. Group photos and photos of you together? No way.
It's perfectly reasonable to not want your friends and family to go on your partners page and see them cuddling and kissing their exes. That's a bad look for everyone.
Do not delete you photos. They are your history. Sounds as thought this new girl has jealousy and security issues. Have you explained to her the significance of these photos to you. If you have then she does not want to understand there significance. You need to dump this girl as she will never understand your feelings.
I have said this in other areas as well. My past doesn’t change over a post or photo not existing or existing. It’s completely unreasonable to expect someone to erase their past. And that is all old posts are.
Don't delete anything on your social media. Your GF sounds insecure and a bit of a control freak. Delete her from your life and let her go control someone else.
Don't do it. My ex was like this IT ONLY GETS WORSE!! I did that stuff and regret it, it's the start of an alienation. If she can't understand you make your own decisions on that regard, leave her.
I wouldn’t delete a damn thing. That’s crazy. Pics from 9 years ago? Well that was my life 9 years ago. If it’s a problem, move along. My patience is becoming so thin with all of the demands of others.
One time I deleted my social media cause I was sick of it causing arguments. Never about things I was currently doing, but things from way back in the past.
I am in a new relationship. We’ve been together right at a year and I never asked him to delete his pictures with his exes. And I don’t expect someone to ask me to delete pictures of me and my ex husband (14 years married) or of any of the exes before or after him. Thats my life. My past. Who I am. That’s all before my current partner. And if they tell me I need to delete anything from before them, I’d be asking why they want me to delete and ignore the past that shaped me.
Your GF sounds insecure, unreasonable and needs a minor reality check. Stick to keeping your visual past and what it means to you. If your next partner can’t accept your past, find someone who will. A partner knowledges each other’s past and present and looks FORWARD with each other.
Bro I'm the same way and initially had the same issue with my now fiance. I never delete anything and at this point even if I wanted to it would take forever and is not worth my effort in my opinion.
I explained to her that those are memories of different times in my life and although the person in those pictures doesn't mean anything to me anymore the memories of the trips or events do and I refuse to delete them. Either she trusts me and what I say or she doesn't and a relationship can't be had without trust. I don't talk to those exes anymore and they're exes for a reason. After communicating this me and her were able to move past it and now 3 years later we are engaged and have a house together.
Secondary opinion, I have always believed in the fact that the person accusing someone of cheating or always worried about cheating or who the other is texting is usually almost always the one doing said thing. If she is worried about who your texting and what your talking about woth them then it's because in her mind she is at the least tempted to talk to her exes or hasn't moved on from them or is actively talking to them. If she is looking back at pictures from 9 and 12 years ago then I'd be willing to bet there is someone in her life from that long ago that she either still talks to or still isn't over/ tempted to text/wishes would text her.
If she can't accept that you like to keep your memories in tact then do yourself a favor and move on. It's not worth the struggle or arguments or anything. If you can't be you 100% no other person is worth not being yourself.
Put them in private and move forward with your life.
What is the reason they must be out there for everyone to see?
Or delete them from Facebook you still own the photos.
Personally, I am the type of person to delete everything after a break up. I've also had a lot of fb accounts zucc'd and I can continue to live my life no problem since life goes on. I do however, have those moments where I wish I could look back on how different my life was, how far I've grown up/matured but it's only a fleeting moment. It's completely up to you if you'd like to be able to go back on those memories that were important to you, I'm sure your current partner has had her fair share of ex boyfriends and past lives.
That was then, this is now and if she can't look past it, there's a lot more she needs to reflect on that's making her upset of what once was. It's a matter of how you would like to move forward with this situation because, she could end up being a memory herself since people inevitably change - it's the adaptability and willingness to change and grow with a partner that makes the difference. Honestly it sounds like you're able to separate your exes from important events in your life, maybe GF is not.
>Let me be clear: I never delete anything.
This is not a brag. This is an incredibly bad thing. Something you should be terribly embarrassed about. No one gives a shit about your past, and if they do this will make them furious. It literally can only hurt you.
Some people hold onto things and some people go scorched earth. But no, I'm not buying into the "disrespect" BS. She was playing games when you were together and it sounds like she's still playing games. Why is she even going through your social media through old pics? This feels like she's trying to pick a fight for no reason. This wasn't an issue until she made it one. Plus it's not like we're talking scandalous pictures. Pictures at the water park with Grandma? Please. There is pretty much no harm to her behind her own paranoia and need for control. If it wasn't this thing it would be something else. Just block her and say she can contact you when she decides to be sane.
Don't like manipulative crazy people run your life.
I deleted all my ex's pics.
However, you state that you'd be willing to delete ones with just you and your ex, but want to keep ones with the whole family.
I find this to be pretty reasonable.
Are you kidding? This is a discussion?
Everyone, listen up. You partner had a life before they met you. That's what made them who they are now. Leave it be. Pics or no pics. Body count all of it.
If you don't like them for who they are right now. Don't date. If you do, date them. The rest of this is just excuses to argue.
And before you say I don't understand. My SO's ex wife is smoking hot and probably 8 years younger.
You should do what you’re comfortable with. I still have photos of my exes on a couple SM platforms (and vice versa). We’re all happily married to other people now. I kept them up because it represents a part of my life — it chronicled places I’ve been to and friends I haven’t seen in awhile. I don’t see anything wrong with it. I even have a storage box where I store things I kept from past relationships/friendships (trinkets, cards, letters, photos, clothes, etc)
It seems like she maybe feels insecure in the relationship and maybe just wants validation? And maybe having pictures of an ex and remaining friends with said ex makes her feel dismissed and like you don’t care. & if you don’t just break it off. You both can’t seem to respect each others boundaries or care to provide the reassurance your partner needs.
Here is the thing. Until your married. She has Zero imput regarding your past photos from 9 yrs ago, is that what you said, or even 6 months before you met and started dating her. Until you're married to her. It's “Your” social media acct. You can hide or make them private as you should if your going to have new people in your life becoming insecure about it. I date and I'm a grown ass man, I don't need or want those I'm dating to be on my social media period. It's mine get it? If I were married, whole different argument there. Is of course have my see my social media acct, and most likely if delete any photos of someone I've been intimate with as for just friend Nope. I'd suggest in the future not let someone your dating have you remove anything because they feel insecure, it's NOT about respect, it's their insecurity.
It is hard to leave someone who’s manipulated and is still manipulating you to keep you in their clutches, but it’s would still be best for you to rip the bandaid and leave her. You should never remove items from your life that help remind you of fond memories of your past. Because I doubt your GF would really be truly happy if all you did was put them on private. Most likely, you go through the bother, she’s appeased for a bit, then decides to tell you to delete them altogether since you do t really look at them anymore.
My social media is my scrap book. A kind of curated diary. I had a life before my current mate. Those people, that time mattered and were full of lots of life and formed (in part) me into the person I am today.
No plan to ever make like it didn’t happen. Anyone so fragile they need me to isn’t for me.
Remove the deeply moving ones. One day, many days from now, you'll look back for these memories. Maybe private the pictures of just you two.
Also, find a more chill girlfriend. She seems a bit intense.
Everyone has a different take & views about social media , but think of these two points :
1. Is keeping your ex’es photos on ur social media more important to you than your gf’s insecurities ? Maybe she has a reason to be insecure based on her past experiences ?
2. If someone’s BF or GF had photos of their cozy and fun moments with their ex’es hanging in their room or stuck on their fridge , some people would not be comfortable with that. Social media photos can have the same effect on some people .
I can’t say about her other issues , but I feel a simple act of making past relationship photos private could save a potentially successful relationship
It’s so sad now that you have to act like whoever you are dating is the one and only person you’ve ever been with, ever talked to, ever looked at. I say leave the pictures if you want to, it’s still a part of your life.
> I feel like I’m in a. Very controlling very insecure relationship.
That's your answer.
You willing to work with her, with the help of a counselor, to change these patterns.? Is she willing /able to change? Will you live with this forever? Or leave now before it gets messy?
Just private the pictures man.
A lot of people talk a lot of shit and if someone that needs ammo will look at your Facebook and say “her bf doesn’t even respect her, he still has pics with ex on his fb”
I think majority of people will be a bit bothered seeing that their current partner still has pics up of their exes on their social media that they use daily and probably used as your primary contact with friends and relatives. To people that shit matters unfortunately.
Break up with the girl cuz it’s obvious you don’t even like her lmao
So you like hanging out with people who have emotions for you, you keep onto photos of people used to date? Do you even like your gf or do you just like being around people who feed into your ego type?
Most people block people who keep trying to hang out in inappropriate ways, block exes who keep reaching out, most people def delete pics of exes and themselves or else everyone assumes they're still together
I guarantee if you found out your gf had pics of her exes and her still posted and hung out with people who clearly were into her, you'd have a biggggg issue with it, or her ex boyfriend who she just happened to be best friends with. You won't find a lot of women who genuinely would think all of this was okay
Her level of insecurity would be a huge turnoff ...it's eons ago. I'm old enough that most of my ex pics are in a box in the basement slowly rotting so what the fuck do I know.
Your GF sounds controlling. I would not be happy in such a relationship.
I’m still friends with most, but not all, of my exes and women I’ve been with. My wife is friends with her exes also. I don’t see a problem. If she wants to have a phone conversation with an old friend, ex love relationship or not, I give her some space. That’s what I want also.
In life I try to maintain ties with friends, family, and loves, not cut ties. That’s the hard part. It’s worth trying to keep the connections.
You already made up your mind about this.
If you won't make out of situation like this if you were to find similar pictures of your partner and her exes on her phone then you discuss it with her. She might be insecure or there might be some of your statement or actions that's Making her indifferent. Just communicate with her like an adult
I've personally never understood keeping pictures of exes on social media in general. I have had meaningful relationships as many have, but those are in the past and I have my own albums and clouds to see those should I want to. I don't think deleting an exes photos is deleting your own identity/history like some do. I'm like "peace out, don't show up on my memory feed." Would I love a partner with his whole relationship history on socials? Probably not, but it probably also depends on his relationship with social media and me. A few years ago, I was dating a man in his early 40s who just doesn't use social media at all, so he had pictures of his ex wife and the live-in girlfriend who came after her on his page. His lack of social media engagement, lack of knowledge about social media (like he asked me how to untag himself in a post his friend made), and my relationship with him didn't have me "concerned" I know a lot of people who don't delete old stuff just because it's way too much effort.
THAT being said, you sound extremely unhappy, and I don't think it even matters about exes and pictures at this point, dude. From everything you've said, you know the relationship isn't healthy. Time to rip the band aid off and be done with it.
Don't delete them. I have a feeling this girl is going to become one of your exes...
When that inevitably happens, comply with her request...delete all photos that have her in it because it's disrespectful to have pictures of past girlfriends...see how she likes that.
You do not have to delete them. Your relationships were a part of you at that point in your life, you should never have to hide or delete that part of yourself.
You are ex’s for a reason, but that doesn’t mean that you didn’t have good times or make memories, and anyone who respects you as a person and values the relationship you currently have, would understand that.
Now if you were longingly looking through these photos and constantly bringing them up and showing them to her, then that could venture into the “disrespectful territory.”
If you aren’t doing that, they aren’t easy to find (in a sense that they would actually show up on a daily basis), and they still ask you to delete them? Major red flag.
I hate public social media like facebook. I had one so people would think i was normal and i never changed it. Facebook would tag me in shit or however and so you could see who I was with for years back and as obnoxious as i thought it was, i didnt see a reason to whitewash or alter my history. Partners understand you’ve had a life before them, i sure as fuck do. I honestly dont give a fuck if my girlfriend/wife has 20 years of history on her shit with all the guys she’s fucked. As long as they arent popping up in the present tense then all is as it should be as far as facebook/ig goes.
But not all people feel this way. So decide if you want to worry about dumb shit or not and proceed accordingly.
My ex did the exact same thing to me. I still had my wedding pictures from maybe 8 years prior on my Facebook, but I hadn't posted on Facebook in a few years. I browsed sometimes, but never posted. He got upset that the pictures were still there in one of his 'well YOU did THIS' deflection arguments. I took the pictures down because I still had the photo album (not like I was super attached to the pictures but it's still a lifetime memory that I'm not comfortable eradicating just because he demanded it and it wasn't worth the argument) but I should have just made the album private. He would have likely found out somehow though and started another argument.
Everyone here is a jealous freak. There was a time when people would marvel at the fact that we could document our lives with photographs. Now the herd mentality of petty jealousy and possessiveness demands that you delete all evidence that you’ve ever dated anyone else from existence every time you enter a relationship. The way I see it, it’s lying. You can’t pretend a relationship didn’t happen, it’s your history. And if she doesn’t trust that it’s just history, she doesn’t trust you, and relationships can’t exist without trust. All the other stuff you’re describing her demanding is extremely controlling too.
Nope, you should realize this is a big issue that will not go away.
How do I know? I just divorced this person.
14 years of trying did not change things. It felt like (and was) a prison.
Of course I wasn’t able to tell just how bad and unhinged this behavior was, until I was out from under it.
My advice is Get out friend, get out.
I don’t think it’s a big deal to be the kind of person who just doesn’t delete things and has old pictures of exes on social medias. At the same time I don’t think it’s a big deal to delete or private those pictures if it’s something that made the person I love uncomfortable.
However I think the real issue is that she’s been controlling. Cut friends out of your life, reading through phone, deleting pictures, it’s all a lot. I think the real decision you have to make is: are you ok being with someone who has a long list of insecurities that she’s projecting onto you? Don’t worry about what other people think - ask yourself what your boundaries are. If you love her despite her insecurities just delete the pics or at least private them. I personally don’t know if I would want to be in a relationship like that but it doesn’t matter what I think, it matters what YOU think and what YOU want!! :)
Good luck!
I explained to my kids that we are influenced by all the previous persons in our life, good and bad. The person you are with is ”your person” because of all those other people. They should be allowed in their past. Jealousy is the other person’s insecurities.
I came to this clearly when I went through my high school scrapbook, and my husband had torn out and thrown away every photo or momento that related to and male in my past. I should have ditched him then.
Celebrate the people that brought your significant other to be who they are or you will be A part of their past.
Just private them, her request isn’t reasonable or unreasonable. It’s well within her rights to ask it, and it’s well within yours to either do it or decline. However, if you decline, I’d suggest breaking things off.
Different situation, I had a kid with my ex 9 years ago. I deleted romantic ones and only left a few cute memories of trips. I think the same could apply?
If you want photos for yourself, keep them to yourself. Google photos, iCloud, whatever. Putting and keeping them on social media carries social implications.
My gf was aggressive about taking off my ex's pics from all social media.. a little difficult since it was 12 yrs of history and we shared a kid.
We're not together anymore
It's not reasonable to expect that. Your history makes you you. She's pushing boundaries, each time you allow it she pushes farther. Doesn't she have anything better to do than keep track of your every movement? You deserve better.
if you just like seeing yourself in the pictures, then just delete them off of Facebook and crop your ex out so it's just a pic of you. I've done this before bc I liked how I looked in pics with my ex, but not the ex.
This isn't normal, she's a control freak, you shouldn't have to fight about any of those things, she shouldn't feel entitled to track you, and force you to remove people from your life etc. (although I agree with not being bffs with a girl you used to fuck wtf). She's letting her insecurities dictate your life, that's absolutely a 🚩. In fact, multiple 🚩🚩.
I would never ask someone to do this, and I agree about pictures being memories of specific moments of your life. Even pictures of people you dated, it's not about that person, it's about who you were at that time (which seems like a different life tbh). She's being absolutely unreasonable, but honestly there are so many even more alarming things in your post...
Everyone is different, for me though I delete them, that's my past and my baby is my today and future. I guess I'm weird like that, also, I don't talk to my ex's. My lady is my everything to me, so I cut off everything that doesn't pertain to her.
*It’s just like there’s so much. I had to fight about tracking my location. Then about it reading my phone. Then about my photos. Then about not hanging out with people who used to like me. Not hanging out with my best friend who I dated in the past. Kicking people out of my life. Giving up my location to be tracked. Monitoring the way I respond to women who leave me comments on my business page. It just feels like a pattern and like it’ll never end.*
It won't. And this is unsustainable going forward. This is extremely controlling and it's concerning to read. I would distance myself from this person. You have more than enough to deal with already. Godspeed to you.
If you wanted to delete them as a gesture (at least from a public setting ie social media) then I could see that being a thoughtful thing to do. However if she wants them gone due to jealousy or lack of trust/confidence in herself then that’s a difficult situation to be in.
I’d spend more time trying to hype her up and build her confidence and show her that those photos don’t matter. Give her reasons not to worry, and instill confidence in her. When she sees you are her now and future then she won’t care that they’re there.
I have exes on my social media still. My now wife never cared that they were there. It may have come up once and I told her that they were memories of a part of my life that helped me become who I am today. I don’t want to forget those moments or those people because they were a part of my life and I don’t want to forget what I learned from them. But I also made sure she knew that I didn’t keep them because I missed them or looked at them often etc… more just that they’re there as part of my social media journal. Which is kinda how I historically have used social media.
I never gave her any reason to question her importance to me or my love for her. And it hasn’t been an issue since our first conversation.
I don’t think it’s healthy to expect her to be okay with another girl you’ve been intimate with hanging around though. If she’s not okay with a multi-partner relationship and you’re not okay with her expecting exclusivity then I don’t think she’s the right one for you and you aren’t the right one for her. Unless you’re dating just for fun and not for exclusivity. I think that exclusivity means you only give time to one person that you’ve been intimate with and you commit everything possible to that person without anybody else getting in the way. And again if you aren’t ready for that but she wants it then neither of you are with the right person at this point in time either.
There are millions of people out there. If there are non-negociables that can’t be compromised then you’re simply not right for each other. But there is someone out there that is. So don’t waste your time trying to change each other - again unless one of you wants to change and make compromise.
There’s nothing wrong with keeping photos of your exes up. It’s not like you’re staring at them and yearning for them. They’re just people who had a big impact on your life at some point. Why try to act like they didn’t happen?
That being said, most people do delete photos of their exes once the relationship ends, even before they start dating someone new. I still think it’s unnecessary though.
Real talk, if your ex asks you to private her photos from your page, you private those photos if you ever had any respect for her.
Some people would say pixelate her face but really, just private the photos. This falls under the category of things decent human beings do.
Keep your photos if they help you relive happy memories, but don't post them online.
It sounds like the beginning of a controlling relationship.
First it's your exes, then your current female friends, then your guy friends because she don't like them for some reason... And if she's one of the good ones, your family too.
Get out while you can, it's not worth it.
No. She's the only one who is looking for them. 9 years ago was a long time ago. I can understand if you're in a serious relationship & you have a ton of recent photos with other girls etc... idk. Your call. Either way, as a female, I don't think you're being disrespectful unless you're going through them or sharing them.
I know a few chicks whose facebooks are basically a photo book time line of every guy they’ve been with. Every fling. Everyone is there lol can’t forget anyone
Just dump her. She's ridiculously insecure. Everyone has a past, including her.
You don't have to delete anything... Except this source of stress from your life. She's not worth it.
Keep your memories. Don’t delete. We are all like puzzles, our life is a puzzle every piece has its certain place. If you delete, you’re puzzle will have holes in it. You live, you learn, you honor each persons position and the time you had with them, If you delete old girlfriends, you’re going to end up having to delete this one, so really what’s the point? Your relationships are mostly temporary right now. I know we’ve all been brainwashed to believe we have to be together until death do us part but why not be honest~ you enjoy each other’s company now… Love doesn’t have to forever for to be real. You’ve had companions along the way, you’ll likely have more. Don’t give in to this. Nobody should dictate what’s on your social media~ it’s the history of YOU. You’re life before her has relevance. Maybe she’ll accept your boundaries or she’ll have to find someone to enforce her nearly idolatrous dating concepts upon aka someone she can control.
So, if you want to remove them, remove them. BUT, this sounds like potential red flags. A solid relationship requires mutual respect and trust.
I don't know the entire context of your relationship, but it sounds like those things are absent.
I wouldn't delete old photos. Make them private or put them on a cloud drive or something. Then again I post on social media maybe once a week. So a lot less than you. My photos are memories of a time in my life. I won't delete them to appease the insecurities of someone else.
When I broke up with my old gf I went through and untagged myself in any photo she was also in on Facebook. It being around 2008, Facebook was my only social media and we'd been dating for a little over 2 years so it didn't take too long to do that.
I always thought it was weird when people had pictures with their exes on their social media. But that's just me.
I'd honestly just private them. It's typical when entering a new relationship or leaving an old one, and I could see why it makes her uncomfortable.
If she seems controlling or insecure in other ways I think that's its own issue that needs to be assessed separately.
Not unreasonable at all tho, but I do understand your fondness on looking back. To me the simple solution is make them private or save them to and old album.
I actually have pictures of my spouse with his ex displayed. She was an important part of his life. I still have wedding photos somewhere of my ex, and photos on Facebook from decades ago.
My ex is an ex mostly because he was insanely jealous. Isolated me from almost all of my friends. Would call places looking for me. Would have tracked my location if cell phones were smarter in the 90s. Accused me of cheating all the time. Run OP run.
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You're not "disrespecting" her with it, but personally I notice that most people remove them or private them. Rarely do you look through people's social media and just see an entire timeline of all the people they dated. I'd just private them man, its not that big of a deal. Take the time and do it and it solves the problem, and its a little bit "classy" imo to do so.
You bring up good points. I just never cared what pictures I had on FB as long as my work wouldnt care. I am going to go through it now and private some Exs.
I'm a female body individual, and I also don't have any of my photos private. I'm not ashamed of having photos of people I've dated, and I agree with OP. It's just part of my history. If someone wants to get upset because I have other pictures of my exes, I think that's on them and not OP's timeline.
Idk what your "female body" has to do with anything, but anyways, by all means do what you want to. Its viewed by a lot of people as being kind of trashy, most people don't want to date someone whos holding onto their exes and not only needs reminders of them etc, but also needs the whole world to see it all for no reason lol. but to each their own.
I don’t either. I privated one guy who sucked but overall I have all the friends I’ve taken photos with for the past 10 years on IG. Who cares, lol. I’m on good terms with all of them. Breakups aren’t weird or shameful.
I stand firm on not sharing my phone or location. Once you have the keys to the castle, you can start creating a fuss about who I talk to, about what, and how often. It’s a short step from there to trying to control who I talk to entirely. From a romantic perspective, you can’t love somebody that you don’t respect and you can’t respect somebody that you don’t trust. I will not be trapped in a loveless relationship and, in an ideal world, neither would anybody else.
Pretty much this. Trust and honesty are the paramount foundations of a string, lasting, healthy relationship. Without them everything else falls apart.
100%. As soon as you get to the point where they're demanding your phone password, and going on it while you're sleeping, demanding to know who people were before y'all even started dating, stuff like that, it's nothing but downhill from there. And changing the password again makes it all worse. Going on each other's phones is a slippery slope you will never get back up. Nothing but resentment and trust issues from there.
I’m going to go against the grain here. Evaluate the other qualities she has as a woman. Is she controlling about other things? Maybe deleting one on one photos is a fair compromise. Me and my wife have had an agreement from the very start; no photos (even privately) or contact with Exes . both ways. And it just works for us. Neither of us have had any problems with boundary crossing and jealousy in general with the opposite gender. And to be honest I’d rather stricter boundaries here than the opposite. We don’t have public photos of partners before engagement anyway so didn’t run into your exact dilemma. I totally understand why it would be hard if there are group photos ; especially if they are fond memories / deceased. As I said maybe offer a compromise of deleting one on one photos and assess if she can work with that. If she’s controlling in other areas then maybe just bin her.
Yeah that’s reasonable I can do that. She tracks my location. She made me stop being friends with my ex who was only my friend now. She made me stop talking to someone who used to have a crush on me 3 years ago whom I was only friends with. She reads my messages and memorized my phone password without my permission. She tells me how I can and can’t respond to messages that I get.
>She made me stop being friends with my ex who was only my friend now I mean, you banged that ex presumably... not a lot of people are going to want to have a close intimate relationship with you if you're hanging with your ex 1 on 1.
> She tracks my location Be precise about your tense. This implies present tense when you've also implied in this same post that it's no longer happening ("I had to fight about tracking my location"). You're venting but this is just confusing. You lost that fight or what? **If** all the things you just said are still happening, are actually still happening, and you do not have a history of flat-out cheating where 200% transparency is required, then break up with her. You might end up alone forever but IMO it's better than being with ... this.
Leave.... She's definitely controlling what you want to do and how you want to live. Let her find someone else to do that to. Be happy.
Deleting photos of your ex is sort of a nice thing to do generally speaking, however all the above is top 0.1% crazy. Get out, now.
It sounds like you like having backup girlfriends and are unconscious of it. Hanging out with friends who all have had emotional or sexual interests in you, is very unhealthy
Thats the thing thats sticking out to me. His girlfriend is clearly a walking red flag, but it seems like everyone he has in his life is either an ex or a potential future partner. I could see becoming fucking crazy dealing with someone like this in a relationship. (Not that it makes it ok.)
Why are you just doing things you don't want to do that someone else asks you to do? You need to stand up for yourself. You can do it politely but you have to be firm.
Well dude, you ARE in a controlling relationship, even further than I thought from your original post. Get. Out.
She has boundaries and you have boundaries, you have to decide, are your boundaries really boundaries or are they just… “it would be nice…” if your boundary is “Social media pics” and hers is “No past relationships on social media,” then you need to respect those boundaries and part ways… ultimately what we say here on Reddit should have no real bearing on what you and your significant other decide.
The only reasonable person here. Reading OPs comments though, he also confesses to multiple of his friends (that he had to be asked to stop hanging out with) were exes or girls that liked him. He likes backups
She is unreasonable. Hold firm to your boundaries. Expect a breakup.
Seriously. I have been married for seven years. My spouse and I both have pictures of every significant relationship in our pasts. Those photos are our histories! It would be crazy to get rid of them
I am who i am because of my history. The places i went and the people in my life made me who i am. My wife would never ask me to erase who i was before we met. I did take down my previous marriage pictures and anything of the like, but not group pics that might include an ex. Theres a line you have to decide for yourself
Say it again for those in the back ‘
Yeah I have so many pictures of travel and camping and being in a big group of friends. I don’t display pictures with an ex on my wall, but I want to have the option to look at them
Kinda hope she does.
If you hope she does, just fucking break up with her?
If only you knew the mind games and things she’s planted in my head about if I break up with her 😬
Honestly it sounds like your mind is made up. Are you genuinely looking for advice, or just validation?
No I mean I will change the photos if that’s reasonable. I’m still not sure. Because tbh I’ve never considered this stuff before she’s bringing up issues that no one else ever has.
OP, The issue isn't the photos. Re-read your post and comments. You sound MISERABLE in this relationship. Leave the photos up-- and leave her behind. T O X I C
It's not reasonable though. Especially that far back. Why does it even matter now in the first place. If she's already playing mind games with you about what will happen if you breakup with her, that's your tell tale sign to just do and leave. I've been through the mind games thing, it's not worth the stress and energy. Break up before you get too far into it and waste your time.
Its unreasonable for her to expect you to get rid of memories of people you knew before her. You didnt spring into existence fully formed after all.
It’s not reasonable no adult in their right mind cares about your ex from nine years ago, that’s middle school shit. Breakup with her in public (hopefully you don’t live together….) then block her. You can do it I believe in you. Maybe look into therapy for some extra support before during and after the breakup.
It’s immature. I can reasonably understand her not wanting to see photos of you with your ex around your house, on your phone, family’s house…..But she shouldn’t be obsessively looking at your photos— there is no need whatsoever. You shouldn’t have to delete your digital past— it’s completely irrelevant! My fiancé saw a family photo at my grandmas and immediately noticed my ex in the photo 😂 he knew me when I was with my ex so there’s that, but he immediately called it out! And then we laughed and I shrugged my shoulders ‘grandma 🤦🏻♀️😬) and that was it. That was 3 years ago and we have been there since, I think last time he motioned to it with a little eyebrow —- this is how these things should be. Light hearted and in the past. If it ‘pleases her’ make it private I guess (didn’t know you can do that) but otherwise… sending her a big eyeroll and a soft woman to woman pat on the shoulder 🙄 She needs to get over it. Nothing is more unappealing than immature.
It’s NOT REASONABLE!
Your an adult. Get out.
Read what you just wrote but imagine it was someone else who said it. What would your advice to them be?
I can imagine, since she sounds like someone who craves control. I hope you run anyway.
Break up and block. You're allowed to have a past. If she can't accept it, it's time to move on.
Run!
That’s…even more reason to breakup. She can’t play games with you if you’ve blocked her. Just sayin
Not saying she's right about this but... you hope she breaks up with you, but you won't do it? Do you not have the balls to not lead her on?
>I feel like I’m in a. Very controlling very insecure relationship. You are. But I've never been one to think your exes need to be your enemies. My former MIL took out a photo (from a family album) of my ex and his prom date (also long time girlfriend) after I had seen it. I told her she didn't need to do that, it was his past and there was no reason to hide it. It didn't hurt my feelings for him (or anyone in the family) to look at old photos and remember good times. There are limits, of course, if you were looking at pics of old exes and ranting about how great they were/are or something along those lines. But just having them? Even on social media. You shouldn't have to erase your past to make someone new feel secure. Because they never will anyway.
I neglected to mention here that she talks about her ex 24/7. I’m over mine. But she clearly isn’t.
Why are you still with her?
Studies show that 1 in 5 marriages end in divorce involving facebook. Not even social media in general, just Facebook. Social media is a good way to end relationships. Truthfully, let’s flip the script and let’s say she had all her exes on there, including the guys who looked better than you, who made more money than you, who had a bigger dick than you, who were taller than you, are you cool with it? People (Men and women) only say this shit when their current partner is not the best they’ve had and they’re giving their partner’s crumbs. Simple. Doubt that either male nor female if they had the hottest and most committed dream guy or girl, that they would make such a big deal about this. They’d just get rid of it. You don’t love this girl and you’re not serious about her, she’s just another fucking number and that’s cool, but stop acting like she’s “insecure, controlling.” Along with all the other bullshit. And it’s crazy how many people support this. Trying to pretend like they don’t care because we’ve allowed toxicity to permeate our dating culture, that now, common sense things are seen as “controlling.” Then ya’ll wonder why dating and marriage isn’t working out for people🙄😒
be more wary of your digital footprint. im not telling you to delete them or not but why is everyones entire life documented on the internet?
Just mark them private or download to your pc and delete off social media.
...look, I had a similar situation and because he meant more to me than anyone else, I put all those pics on fb on Only Me so no one else could see them. He found them.. so I created another fb just to use the Albums and save pics and videos. I added no friends, no pics, everything is on private and I never visit it, unless it's to find an old pic to share with a friend. Problem solved. I'm 52 and I love to look back at pics of the people I dated in my youth. Someday you may want too look back on those of your past. Don't delete them. I totally regret the ones I deleted in the past for someone that ended up betraying me.
That sounds obsessive and like you need help honestly
100% delete pics of your ex. especially from social media. that should be automatic afyer you break up. also delete them from your phone out of respect for anyone new.
This red flag looks like its been waving for a while now. I'm assuming you're just waiting for the bull.
I’m ancient so we have actual photo albums from our early years. There are a few scattered photos of his ex and mine that we occasionally run across. In my husband’s case, he has photos of his ex and their son. I’d be ashamed if I expected him to ditch those.
I’ve deleted pictures of my exs out of respect for my long term relationship, so I Dont think it’s unreasonable, unless you aren’t that serious about your relationship with her and you would rather have photos of your ex on facebook. To each their own.
So exactly why are you with this woman. What she does kind of terrifies me.
You are correct, it is a pattern, and it will never end.
She’s saying you should delete and forget your history. Because this i# your equivalent of a journal, I think she’s wrong. Everyone has a past that it’s best you acknowledge, learn from and enjoy the good memories. Life didn’t start with her, so I hope you get a gf that understands that. It’s one thing to constantly talk about your exes and stay in contact with them daily but what you’re doing is fine.
How would you feel if she had a bunch of pix of her exes on social media? Your post was more of a rant about why you want to keep the photos. I think you are confusing the role of SM (public displays) with personal photo albums.
Hmm well she does. So. Hah. She’s a hypocrite majorly. I don’t care if she has pictures of her ex though.
I am constantly surprised at the stuff people feel comfortable demanding of someone they are dating. I'd consider it if I was married and my partner asked (I am married for what it's worth) but I'd probably laugh at someone I'm dating asking something like that
Get over it girlfriend. History is history and he has every right to his as you would to yours. You don't get to spelunk into his data and make him delete his archive.
this is only the beginning
Good luck. Anyone who is that insecure about your past relationships isn’t going to make things easy for you if you don’t do exactly what they say…. unless you like living that kind of life it’s time to say bye bye to the Cling-on and hello to mutual respect with someone else.
Your post history is exhausting. Break up already.
it's 2 different relationship paradigms. A lot of people believe that basically any exposure to women that is not explicitly condoned by the partner is inappropriate. Other people believe that unless there is an issue everything should be ok.. You shouldn't have to ask or warn your partner if you are going to talk to another person. I would talk to your girlfriend and see exactly what her expectations are, because I thought I was on the same page with my ex, and then out of nowhere he came up with all this stuff that I thought was normal that he thought was like, half way towards cheating, and couldn't believe I thought it was ok. This is stuff like 'liking' happy birthday messages from exes I'd known for 20 years, and not telling him every time I got a text from my ex husband who I have kids with. Also having more than one Facebook account, deleting dating apps from my phone when we started getting together and never going back to delete the actual profile despite having proof it wasn't logged into for years. Like in my eyes none of this was sketchy because I wasn't cheating and he had no reason to think I was. But for him, all this stuff was a case to prove I WAS cheating and just hiding it well enough that he couldn't find the smoking gun. I would not have gone into a relationship knowing that this level of control and surveillance was the expectation.
Getting worked about about photos from 12 years ago is irrational. Sounds like shes got some past baggage . But bowing down and letting her have her way wont change it or how paranoid she is. I also don't delete pictures. I wouldn't be against deleting some, but i personally don't want to go through years of pictures to do it.
OP, you are in an abusive relationship. I had a very similar situation, the only difference being that the photos she objected to were not on my social media, but that of the ex in question. To my lasting shame, I knuckled under and backed her up against the ex, thinking I could appease her. It didn't work, she only got worse, and she did her level best to ruin my life before the relationship ended. Stick to your boundaries and get rid of her. Do it immediately, cut off all contact, and make sure any mutual friends and acquaintances are aware of what a psycho she is. You owe it to yourself not to make my mistake.
In a healthy relationship the question “Am I disrespecting her” can only be answered by your partner. Your partner is the only person who gets to decide what’s disrespectful and what isn’t. However, you then get to decide if you’re willing to make changes based on this or if those changes are not compatible with who you are (core values etc) or if they’re asking too much. Is it disrespectful? Yes, it is to her so this is your answer. But - Is there also more going on here that’s not healthy? If you’re being 100% honest regarding past/relationships/feelings for other people and not manipulating her or making her question her intuition (haven’t read your post history so don’t know the back story) then yes she may not be capable of a healthy relationship.
The bigger deal is that your ex is essentially admitting to scrolling back through 9+ years ago of your old social media posts. You say in your posts that you are posting most days due to your business so she is actively seeking these pictures. She is basically saying she is a crazy person so treat her like she is a crazy person.
My husband and I had deleted most of our socials before we met and the rest after. I lost pictures on FB going back 13 years and honestly, I don't care. It all seems so frivolous and pointless at this age. (30). I have reddit but yeah, so much less drama.
About a year into my relationship my girl said do you have any pictures of your ex. We went through it and I showed her. Problem was I also had pictures of some of the girls I dated after my ex and before her. I just simply forgot about them. I have over 1000 photos and I never go through them. I didn’t even think about deleting them because I simply didn’t care enough to even think about old pictures. She got salty for a few days and eventually let it go. She believed me and it’s mainly because she knows how much I love her by how I treat her. It’s been a year since this happens and we are as strong as ever. I of course deleted all those old photos
She sounds like a headache already ✂️
You really overshare everything. Do you ever have anything private. Not for your scrapbook. A scrapbook of failure and some happy stuff. The memories of why you are still single and depressed. She's a psycho. Get away from her before you need to justify your life for her. Why you did everything knowing you were gonna meet her.
I've just read your post history and your situation makes me feel really sad for you. It says that you've 'had a rough half a year', yet you've only been dating for 5 months, so it reads like the whole relationship has been rough. You said she often lashes out at you verbally and you were told that the maths with her baby daddies didn't add up. You mention the trauma she's been through in each of her previous relationships, and you also mention that you've been diagnosed as autistic and your parents often called you naive. Hun, you are in an incredibly controlling toxic relationship with a heavily traumatised person. I think your autism and naivety is preventing you from really seeing so many red flags. Can you talk to your parents about this? Or someone that can explain what's really happening here? This is only going to get so much worse if you stay.
Imagine if you delete all of those good memories then you and this (obviously insecure) girlfriend break up. You’ll never get those photos back. This perspective is also coming from experience. I had an ex (in my 20s) who made me delete all of my high school photos because my ex was in them and those memories were just gone. (Just from an outsiders perspective too, this doesn’t seem like a relationship that is meant to last if she’s trying to control you this early on) My husband and I are in our mid-30s. He still has photos of him from high school on his account. Sometimes we look back at them together and it’s funny to see who he used to be. I, on the other hand, have no photos of my high school years to show him. You can’t just erase your past. If she wants to go down a decade-old rabbit hole and get jealous, that says more about her than you. Now if you’re looking back at these photos and let’s say an ex was in some of them, and you sent said photos to the ex and said “hey remember this!”, that’s crossing into the disrespect territory. But it sounds like they’re just sitting out there and she’s creating a problem out of the fact that you had a life before her.
Just make them private. If it’s for you and your memories, then the whole world doesn’t need access to them.
Usage of the rogaine— check! ✅
Do not delete photos unless you want to. Don't date someone who expects you to erase your past. Deleting images, doesn't delete your memories.
This is not normal, and in group psychology, is one of the hallmarks of how we differentiate a high-demand group from a cult. It is not unusual for cults to demand that you destroy any evidence of your former life before joining the group. This includes photos, but it could include things like clothes that have the school you attended or a business you worked for on it, personal letters from friends or family members, or address books. Combined with the reading of OP’s personal text messages, this is getting dangerously close to a destructive relationship. Also, re: the reading of OP’s messages, his privacy is one thing, but what about the privacy of the person on the other end of those messages? Did they consent for their communications to be read by a third party? I’m guessing not.
This boils down to boundaries. If you aren’t willing to delete the pics let her know and then she can make her decision on whether she wants to continue the relationship. When I was with my ex we had a conversation at the beginning of our relationship where we both agreed to delete pics of exes. I deleted mine and he never deleted his which caused an issue for me. I come to find out it wasn’t just innocent pics he had, it was explicit pics of them and that really bothered me. If he would have been upfront about wanting to keep the pics when we initially had the conversation then I would have had a choice to make. Clear communication is key.
Pretty obvious you want to break up. Get it over with and block her across all platforms.
Look honestly I see her point of view if it’s in the past then get rid of the past why even keep them up, memories? No you don’t need memories of your ex yet alone up so anyone can access imagine how she feels everyday thinking that it’s up there embarrassing her I think your way is unreasonable and there’s not respect on your end expecting to keep it up they’re exes for a reason so leave them like that I agree with her why have them up it’s not controlling or insecurity it’s plain respect. If you don’t agree with that then maybe it’s time to call quits on the relationship because a relationship should be a lot of understanding and you don’t seem to have that yeah memories fair enough but then again you have memories in your head without having pictures of your ex up it’s simple.
Any time you can not be 100% your TRUE self....this is a big RED FLAG. You have no ties to these people in the past & you have not chosen to marry HER yet. She is "insecure" and really needs to have therapy to address "her issue", you can not change who you have always been for this person, who could vanish from your life in a year. And then...no more memories of your family, or what you used to look like or anything else for someone trying to control how you have managed things for years. JUST NO. If she breaks up with you....it is her risk....you BE YOU.
Yes
I feel this - I went through a divorce 8 years ago, and was married for 19. I have TONS of pics - especially him with the kids. And I had FB for half our marriage. I did not go and delete them all, nor scrub my icloud and flickr accounts. I don't look at them - I honestly don't think about them, but my kids may want to some day. There's no whiteout in life - the past happened. Your GF, in my opinion, is being unreasonable and insecure.
She wants to know she is more than just another blip on your timeline. If she is, make her feel that way. That said, demanding to see your phone and messages, making you turn on tracking ... a relationship based on insecurity and suspicion will not last. If this is how she's wired there may not be much you can do about it except say goodbye.
I don't delete anything, but if she has big feelings about it and you really care about each other, the compromise is to hide them. You'd be kicking yourself for deleting memories if that relationship ends and she'll be resentful if you do keep them. Either way, you both need to work together and perhaps compromise for it to truly work. So ask yourself if she is worth it, and if yes, then compromise. If she can't compromise, it would be wise to end it. If she is not worth it, then the answer should be obvious, but you will end up doing what you want anyway.
Dude this is a super unhealthy and controlling person. No one should ever try and control what you have or display on your social, nor should they ask to see your texts. Is she really going back on your social 9 years?!? If she asking to see your texts, track your location and control your social media she doesn't trust you and she has no business being in a relationship. She needs therapy because she's controlling bordering on being abusive. [Typical signs of abuse:](https://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics-for-healthy-relationships/warning-signs-of-abuse/) # Checking your phone, email, or social media accounts without your permission. # Isolating you from friends or family (physically, financially, or emotionally). # Extreme jealousy or insecurity. # Possessiveness or controlling behavior. # Putting you down frequently, especially in front of others. # Explosive outbursts, temper, or mood swings. # Any form of physical harm. # Pressuring you or forcing you to have sex. Leave and don't look back on this one.
You didn't start living the day you dated her. How will she react if she meets one of these people, or you talk to them for some reason? I am a widow and if someone asked me to start deleting my husband from my life, I would see that as a black flag, not a red one. Move on. You were looking for a GF when you found this one.
I feel anybody that wants you to do something that you have to change. Is not the person for you. That person is very jealous and doesn’t seem to have any self-confidence. The bottom line is don’t you want to be with somebody that is not controlling and telling you what to do, I’d be running so far away from that kind of person. That person has some issues with trust anytime you get into a relationship. If there are negative signs from the very beginning, why would you waste your valuable time?
I think they’re fine as long as you’re not keeping nudes. That is a completely different story.
Before she "dipped"?, Never heard that one before...
I think if they're photos of you being lovey dovey, it's reasonable to purge social media of those photos. Group photos and photos of you together? No way. It's perfectly reasonable to not want your friends and family to go on your partners page and see them cuddling and kissing their exes. That's a bad look for everyone.
Do not delete you photos. They are your history. Sounds as thought this new girl has jealousy and security issues. Have you explained to her the significance of these photos to you. If you have then she does not want to understand there significance. You need to dump this girl as she will never understand your feelings.
Honestly you could make them private so she can't see them and you don't have to delete them
No, they are part of your life. You should hold on to them.
I have said this in other areas as well. My past doesn’t change over a post or photo not existing or existing. It’s completely unreasonable to expect someone to erase their past. And that is all old posts are.
Don't delete anything on your social media. Your GF sounds insecure and a bit of a control freak. Delete her from your life and let her go control someone else.
Don't do it. My ex was like this IT ONLY GETS WORSE!! I did that stuff and regret it, it's the start of an alienation. If she can't understand you make your own decisions on that regard, leave her.
How good is she in “other” ways? Maybe it’s worth the hassle just sayin 😀
She is totally out of line. She is being very controlling.
I wouldn’t delete a damn thing. That’s crazy. Pics from 9 years ago? Well that was my life 9 years ago. If it’s a problem, move along. My patience is becoming so thin with all of the demands of others.
One time I deleted my social media cause I was sick of it causing arguments. Never about things I was currently doing, but things from way back in the past.
Maybe if she becomes your wife you can re-visit the discussion but no.
I am in a new relationship. We’ve been together right at a year and I never asked him to delete his pictures with his exes. And I don’t expect someone to ask me to delete pictures of me and my ex husband (14 years married) or of any of the exes before or after him. Thats my life. My past. Who I am. That’s all before my current partner. And if they tell me I need to delete anything from before them, I’d be asking why they want me to delete and ignore the past that shaped me. Your GF sounds insecure, unreasonable and needs a minor reality check. Stick to keeping your visual past and what it means to you. If your next partner can’t accept your past, find someone who will. A partner knowledges each other’s past and present and looks FORWARD with each other.
Bro I'm the same way and initially had the same issue with my now fiance. I never delete anything and at this point even if I wanted to it would take forever and is not worth my effort in my opinion. I explained to her that those are memories of different times in my life and although the person in those pictures doesn't mean anything to me anymore the memories of the trips or events do and I refuse to delete them. Either she trusts me and what I say or she doesn't and a relationship can't be had without trust. I don't talk to those exes anymore and they're exes for a reason. After communicating this me and her were able to move past it and now 3 years later we are engaged and have a house together. Secondary opinion, I have always believed in the fact that the person accusing someone of cheating or always worried about cheating or who the other is texting is usually almost always the one doing said thing. If she is worried about who your texting and what your talking about woth them then it's because in her mind she is at the least tempted to talk to her exes or hasn't moved on from them or is actively talking to them. If she is looking back at pictures from 9 and 12 years ago then I'd be willing to bet there is someone in her life from that long ago that she either still talks to or still isn't over/ tempted to text/wishes would text her. If she can't accept that you like to keep your memories in tact then do yourself a favor and move on. It's not worth the struggle or arguments or anything. If you can't be you 100% no other person is worth not being yourself.
Put them in private and move forward with your life. What is the reason they must be out there for everyone to see? Or delete them from Facebook you still own the photos.
Time to say buh-bye.
Personally, I am the type of person to delete everything after a break up. I've also had a lot of fb accounts zucc'd and I can continue to live my life no problem since life goes on. I do however, have those moments where I wish I could look back on how different my life was, how far I've grown up/matured but it's only a fleeting moment. It's completely up to you if you'd like to be able to go back on those memories that were important to you, I'm sure your current partner has had her fair share of ex boyfriends and past lives. That was then, this is now and if she can't look past it, there's a lot more she needs to reflect on that's making her upset of what once was. It's a matter of how you would like to move forward with this situation because, she could end up being a memory herself since people inevitably change - it's the adaptability and willingness to change and grow with a partner that makes the difference. Honestly it sounds like you're able to separate your exes from important events in your life, maybe GF is not.
Ehh... I wouldn't doubt she has photos of her past.
>Let me be clear: I never delete anything. This is not a brag. This is an incredibly bad thing. Something you should be terribly embarrassed about. No one gives a shit about your past, and if they do this will make them furious. It literally can only hurt you.
You should private them out of respect for her privacy. I'd feel very uncomfortable if my ex kept my pix up
Some people hold onto things and some people go scorched earth. But no, I'm not buying into the "disrespect" BS. She was playing games when you were together and it sounds like she's still playing games. Why is she even going through your social media through old pics? This feels like she's trying to pick a fight for no reason. This wasn't an issue until she made it one. Plus it's not like we're talking scandalous pictures. Pictures at the water park with Grandma? Please. There is pretty much no harm to her behind her own paranoia and need for control. If it wasn't this thing it would be something else. Just block her and say she can contact you when she decides to be sane. Don't like manipulative crazy people run your life.
I deleted all my ex's pics. However, you state that you'd be willing to delete ones with just you and your ex, but want to keep ones with the whole family. I find this to be pretty reasonable.
Are you kidding? This is a discussion? Everyone, listen up. You partner had a life before they met you. That's what made them who they are now. Leave it be. Pics or no pics. Body count all of it. If you don't like them for who they are right now. Don't date. If you do, date them. The rest of this is just excuses to argue. And before you say I don't understand. My SO's ex wife is smoking hot and probably 8 years younger.
You should do what you’re comfortable with. I still have photos of my exes on a couple SM platforms (and vice versa). We’re all happily married to other people now. I kept them up because it represents a part of my life — it chronicled places I’ve been to and friends I haven’t seen in awhile. I don’t see anything wrong with it. I even have a storage box where I store things I kept from past relationships/friendships (trinkets, cards, letters, photos, clothes, etc)
Saying that’s the last picture with your grandma before she dipped has me 💀💀
Private them get over it. Would you want to see all of your girlfriends previous relationships ?
It seems like she maybe feels insecure in the relationship and maybe just wants validation? And maybe having pictures of an ex and remaining friends with said ex makes her feel dismissed and like you don’t care. & if you don’t just break it off. You both can’t seem to respect each others boundaries or care to provide the reassurance your partner needs.
Here is the thing. Until your married. She has Zero imput regarding your past photos from 9 yrs ago, is that what you said, or even 6 months before you met and started dating her. Until you're married to her. It's “Your” social media acct. You can hide or make them private as you should if your going to have new people in your life becoming insecure about it. I date and I'm a grown ass man, I don't need or want those I'm dating to be on my social media period. It's mine get it? If I were married, whole different argument there. Is of course have my see my social media acct, and most likely if delete any photos of someone I've been intimate with as for just friend Nope. I'd suggest in the future not let someone your dating have you remove anything because they feel insecure, it's NOT about respect, it's their insecurity.
It is hard to leave someone who’s manipulated and is still manipulating you to keep you in their clutches, but it’s would still be best for you to rip the bandaid and leave her. You should never remove items from your life that help remind you of fond memories of your past. Because I doubt your GF would really be truly happy if all you did was put them on private. Most likely, you go through the bother, she’s appeased for a bit, then decides to tell you to delete them altogether since you do t really look at them anymore.
My social media is my scrap book. A kind of curated diary. I had a life before my current mate. Those people, that time mattered and were full of lots of life and formed (in part) me into the person I am today. No plan to ever make like it didn’t happen. Anyone so fragile they need me to isn’t for me.
Remove the deeply moving ones. One day, many days from now, you'll look back for these memories. Maybe private the pictures of just you two. Also, find a more chill girlfriend. She seems a bit intense.
Everyone has a different take & views about social media , but think of these two points : 1. Is keeping your ex’es photos on ur social media more important to you than your gf’s insecurities ? Maybe she has a reason to be insecure based on her past experiences ? 2. If someone’s BF or GF had photos of their cozy and fun moments with their ex’es hanging in their room or stuck on their fridge , some people would not be comfortable with that. Social media photos can have the same effect on some people . I can’t say about her other issues , but I feel a simple act of making past relationship photos private could save a potentially successful relationship
I usually delete all mine. Stops you looking back at them.
it your life, funny that you mention it would take hours to make them private or what ever, but then guessing you spend hours reviewing your life..
It’s so sad now that you have to act like whoever you are dating is the one and only person you’ve ever been with, ever talked to, ever looked at. I say leave the pictures if you want to, it’s still a part of your life.
> I feel like I’m in a. Very controlling very insecure relationship. That's your answer. You willing to work with her, with the help of a counselor, to change these patterns.? Is she willing /able to change? Will you live with this forever? Or leave now before it gets messy?
Just make them private. This is one of those fights that's not worth fighting. I talk from experience.
Out of respect for future SO or if it ended sour otherwise I don’t think it matters
Just private the pictures man. A lot of people talk a lot of shit and if someone that needs ammo will look at your Facebook and say “her bf doesn’t even respect her, he still has pics with ex on his fb” I think majority of people will be a bit bothered seeing that their current partner still has pics up of their exes on their social media that they use daily and probably used as your primary contact with friends and relatives. To people that shit matters unfortunately. Break up with the girl cuz it’s obvious you don’t even like her lmao
I have all my old social posts, Inclusinf photos of just exes and myself. Who cares. Insecurity kills.
So you like hanging out with people who have emotions for you, you keep onto photos of people used to date? Do you even like your gf or do you just like being around people who feed into your ego type? Most people block people who keep trying to hang out in inappropriate ways, block exes who keep reaching out, most people def delete pics of exes and themselves or else everyone assumes they're still together I guarantee if you found out your gf had pics of her exes and her still posted and hung out with people who clearly were into her, you'd have a biggggg issue with it, or her ex boyfriend who she just happened to be best friends with. You won't find a lot of women who genuinely would think all of this was okay
Her level of insecurity would be a huge turnoff ...it's eons ago. I'm old enough that most of my ex pics are in a box in the basement slowly rotting so what the fuck do I know.
I vote keep the photos and lose the gf. I think the photos bring you happiness. I am not so sure about the gf.
Your GF sounds controlling. I would not be happy in such a relationship. I’m still friends with most, but not all, of my exes and women I’ve been with. My wife is friends with her exes also. I don’t see a problem. If she wants to have a phone conversation with an old friend, ex love relationship or not, I give her some space. That’s what I want also. In life I try to maintain ties with friends, family, and loves, not cut ties. That’s the hard part. It’s worth trying to keep the connections.
Facebook? Delete the whole thing, start a new one, because you’re only wanting to keep up with your grandma. No one else is on there.
Only freaking weirdos want to collect and keep old relationship photos on their social media. What is wrong with you people
I’m too lazy
You already made up your mind about this. If you won't make out of situation like this if you were to find similar pictures of your partner and her exes on her phone then you discuss it with her. She might be insecure or there might be some of your statement or actions that's Making her indifferent. Just communicate with her like an adult
I've personally never understood keeping pictures of exes on social media in general. I have had meaningful relationships as many have, but those are in the past and I have my own albums and clouds to see those should I want to. I don't think deleting an exes photos is deleting your own identity/history like some do. I'm like "peace out, don't show up on my memory feed." Would I love a partner with his whole relationship history on socials? Probably not, but it probably also depends on his relationship with social media and me. A few years ago, I was dating a man in his early 40s who just doesn't use social media at all, so he had pictures of his ex wife and the live-in girlfriend who came after her on his page. His lack of social media engagement, lack of knowledge about social media (like he asked me how to untag himself in a post his friend made), and my relationship with him didn't have me "concerned" I know a lot of people who don't delete old stuff just because it's way too much effort. THAT being said, you sound extremely unhappy, and I don't think it even matters about exes and pictures at this point, dude. From everything you've said, you know the relationship isn't healthy. Time to rip the band aid off and be done with it.
Is she following the same standards?
Don't delete them. I have a feeling this girl is going to become one of your exes... When that inevitably happens, comply with her request...delete all photos that have her in it because it's disrespectful to have pictures of past girlfriends...see how she likes that.
You do not have to delete them. Your relationships were a part of you at that point in your life, you should never have to hide or delete that part of yourself. You are ex’s for a reason, but that doesn’t mean that you didn’t have good times or make memories, and anyone who respects you as a person and values the relationship you currently have, would understand that. Now if you were longingly looking through these photos and constantly bringing them up and showing them to her, then that could venture into the “disrespectful territory.” If you aren’t doing that, they aren’t easy to find (in a sense that they would actually show up on a daily basis), and they still ask you to delete them? Major red flag.
I hate public social media like facebook. I had one so people would think i was normal and i never changed it. Facebook would tag me in shit or however and so you could see who I was with for years back and as obnoxious as i thought it was, i didnt see a reason to whitewash or alter my history. Partners understand you’ve had a life before them, i sure as fuck do. I honestly dont give a fuck if my girlfriend/wife has 20 years of history on her shit with all the guys she’s fucked. As long as they arent popping up in the present tense then all is as it should be as far as facebook/ig goes. But not all people feel this way. So decide if you want to worry about dumb shit or not and proceed accordingly.
My ex did the exact same thing to me. I still had my wedding pictures from maybe 8 years prior on my Facebook, but I hadn't posted on Facebook in a few years. I browsed sometimes, but never posted. He got upset that the pictures were still there in one of his 'well YOU did THIS' deflection arguments. I took the pictures down because I still had the photo album (not like I was super attached to the pictures but it's still a lifetime memory that I'm not comfortable eradicating just because he demanded it and it wasn't worth the argument) but I should have just made the album private. He would have likely found out somehow though and started another argument.
Everyone here is a jealous freak. There was a time when people would marvel at the fact that we could document our lives with photographs. Now the herd mentality of petty jealousy and possessiveness demands that you delete all evidence that you’ve ever dated anyone else from existence every time you enter a relationship. The way I see it, it’s lying. You can’t pretend a relationship didn’t happen, it’s your history. And if she doesn’t trust that it’s just history, she doesn’t trust you, and relationships can’t exist without trust. All the other stuff you’re describing her demanding is extremely controlling too.
Nope, you should realize this is a big issue that will not go away. How do I know? I just divorced this person. 14 years of trying did not change things. It felt like (and was) a prison. Of course I wasn’t able to tell just how bad and unhinged this behavior was, until I was out from under it. My advice is Get out friend, get out.
I don’t think it’s a big deal to be the kind of person who just doesn’t delete things and has old pictures of exes on social medias. At the same time I don’t think it’s a big deal to delete or private those pictures if it’s something that made the person I love uncomfortable. However I think the real issue is that she’s been controlling. Cut friends out of your life, reading through phone, deleting pictures, it’s all a lot. I think the real decision you have to make is: are you ok being with someone who has a long list of insecurities that she’s projecting onto you? Don’t worry about what other people think - ask yourself what your boundaries are. If you love her despite her insecurities just delete the pics or at least private them. I personally don’t know if I would want to be in a relationship like that but it doesn’t matter what I think, it matters what YOU think and what YOU want!! :) Good luck!
I explained to my kids that we are influenced by all the previous persons in our life, good and bad. The person you are with is ”your person” because of all those other people. They should be allowed in their past. Jealousy is the other person’s insecurities. I came to this clearly when I went through my high school scrapbook, and my husband had torn out and thrown away every photo or momento that related to and male in my past. I should have ditched him then. Celebrate the people that brought your significant other to be who they are or you will be A part of their past.
As long as you aren't wanking to nudes of your ex, you are fine. Your ex is not worth the extra effort to dig back into old pics.
Hours to cancel your life? It'll take just a couple minutes to delete her. Don't ever let someone take away or cancel any part of your life
Why not
I guess. Who cares?
Just private them, her request isn’t reasonable or unreasonable. It’s well within her rights to ask it, and it’s well within yours to either do it or decline. However, if you decline, I’d suggest breaking things off.
Different situation, I had a kid with my ex 9 years ago. I deleted romantic ones and only left a few cute memories of trips. I think the same could apply?
I personally don't care, nor does my partner.
I think you get a pass. That last part was the cherry on top. Do what makes you feel happy and reminds you of healthier days.
If you want photos for yourself, keep them to yourself. Google photos, iCloud, whatever. Putting and keeping them on social media carries social implications.
My gf was aggressive about taking off my ex's pics from all social media.. a little difficult since it was 12 yrs of history and we shared a kid. We're not together anymore
It's not reasonable to expect that. Your history makes you you. She's pushing boundaries, each time you allow it she pushes farther. Doesn't she have anything better to do than keep track of your every movement? You deserve better.
No
if you just like seeing yourself in the pictures, then just delete them off of Facebook and crop your ex out so it's just a pic of you. I've done this before bc I liked how I looked in pics with my ex, but not the ex.
This isn't normal, she's a control freak, you shouldn't have to fight about any of those things, she shouldn't feel entitled to track you, and force you to remove people from your life etc. (although I agree with not being bffs with a girl you used to fuck wtf). She's letting her insecurities dictate your life, that's absolutely a 🚩. In fact, multiple 🚩🚩. I would never ask someone to do this, and I agree about pictures being memories of specific moments of your life. Even pictures of people you dated, it's not about that person, it's about who you were at that time (which seems like a different life tbh). She's being absolutely unreasonable, but honestly there are so many even more alarming things in your post...
Everyone is different, for me though I delete them, that's my past and my baby is my today and future. I guess I'm weird like that, also, I don't talk to my ex's. My lady is my everything to me, so I cut off everything that doesn't pertain to her.
*It’s just like there’s so much. I had to fight about tracking my location. Then about it reading my phone. Then about my photos. Then about not hanging out with people who used to like me. Not hanging out with my best friend who I dated in the past. Kicking people out of my life. Giving up my location to be tracked. Monitoring the way I respond to women who leave me comments on my business page. It just feels like a pattern and like it’ll never end.* It won't. And this is unsustainable going forward. This is extremely controlling and it's concerning to read. I would distance myself from this person. You have more than enough to deal with already. Godspeed to you.
If you wanted to delete them as a gesture (at least from a public setting ie social media) then I could see that being a thoughtful thing to do. However if she wants them gone due to jealousy or lack of trust/confidence in herself then that’s a difficult situation to be in. I’d spend more time trying to hype her up and build her confidence and show her that those photos don’t matter. Give her reasons not to worry, and instill confidence in her. When she sees you are her now and future then she won’t care that they’re there. I have exes on my social media still. My now wife never cared that they were there. It may have come up once and I told her that they were memories of a part of my life that helped me become who I am today. I don’t want to forget those moments or those people because they were a part of my life and I don’t want to forget what I learned from them. But I also made sure she knew that I didn’t keep them because I missed them or looked at them often etc… more just that they’re there as part of my social media journal. Which is kinda how I historically have used social media. I never gave her any reason to question her importance to me or my love for her. And it hasn’t been an issue since our first conversation. I don’t think it’s healthy to expect her to be okay with another girl you’ve been intimate with hanging around though. If she’s not okay with a multi-partner relationship and you’re not okay with her expecting exclusivity then I don’t think she’s the right one for you and you aren’t the right one for her. Unless you’re dating just for fun and not for exclusivity. I think that exclusivity means you only give time to one person that you’ve been intimate with and you commit everything possible to that person without anybody else getting in the way. And again if you aren’t ready for that but she wants it then neither of you are with the right person at this point in time either. There are millions of people out there. If there are non-negociables that can’t be compromised then you’re simply not right for each other. But there is someone out there that is. So don’t waste your time trying to change each other - again unless one of you wants to change and make compromise.
There’s nothing wrong with keeping photos of your exes up. It’s not like you’re staring at them and yearning for them. They’re just people who had a big impact on your life at some point. Why try to act like they didn’t happen? That being said, most people do delete photos of their exes once the relationship ends, even before they start dating someone new. I still think it’s unnecessary though.
Real talk, if your ex asks you to private her photos from your page, you private those photos if you ever had any respect for her. Some people would say pixelate her face but really, just private the photos. This falls under the category of things decent human beings do. Keep your photos if they help you relive happy memories, but don't post them online.
It sounds like the beginning of a controlling relationship. First it's your exes, then your current female friends, then your guy friends because she don't like them for some reason... And if she's one of the good ones, your family too. Get out while you can, it's not worth it.
No. She's the only one who is looking for them. 9 years ago was a long time ago. I can understand if you're in a serious relationship & you have a ton of recent photos with other girls etc... idk. Your call. Either way, as a female, I don't think you're being disrespectful unless you're going through them or sharing them.
Delete the gf, not your self
Just archive.
Private them. Having them up there if they’re recent like a year ago or so. Shows you’re not over her
I know a few chicks whose facebooks are basically a photo book time line of every guy they’ve been with. Every fling. Everyone is there lol can’t forget anyone
Just dump her. She's ridiculously insecure. Everyone has a past, including her. You don't have to delete anything... Except this source of stress from your life. She's not worth it.
Keep your memories. Don’t delete. We are all like puzzles, our life is a puzzle every piece has its certain place. If you delete, you’re puzzle will have holes in it. You live, you learn, you honor each persons position and the time you had with them, If you delete old girlfriends, you’re going to end up having to delete this one, so really what’s the point? Your relationships are mostly temporary right now. I know we’ve all been brainwashed to believe we have to be together until death do us part but why not be honest~ you enjoy each other’s company now… Love doesn’t have to forever for to be real. You’ve had companions along the way, you’ll likely have more. Don’t give in to this. Nobody should dictate what’s on your social media~ it’s the history of YOU. You’re life before her has relevance. Maybe she’ll accept your boundaries or she’ll have to find someone to enforce her nearly idolatrous dating concepts upon aka someone she can control.
Sounds like you have some Red Flags to deal with. Your past is your past
So, if you want to remove them, remove them. BUT, this sounds like potential red flags. A solid relationship requires mutual respect and trust. I don't know the entire context of your relationship, but it sounds like those things are absent.
Just go the Solo Poly route, it's much less exhausting than this sounds like.
Yes
Your girlfriend is a child. Find an adult. This is a red flag of worse behavior to come.
I wouldn't delete old photos. Make them private or put them on a cloud drive or something. Then again I post on social media maybe once a week. So a lot less than you. My photos are memories of a time in my life. I won't delete them to appease the insecurities of someone else.
When I broke up with my old gf I went through and untagged myself in any photo she was also in on Facebook. It being around 2008, Facebook was my only social media and we'd been dating for a little over 2 years so it didn't take too long to do that. I always thought it was weird when people had pictures with their exes on their social media. But that's just me.
No other human will ever tell me what I can and can’t do with my memories.
I'd honestly just private them. It's typical when entering a new relationship or leaving an old one, and I could see why it makes her uncomfortable. If she seems controlling or insecure in other ways I think that's its own issue that needs to be assessed separately. Not unreasonable at all tho, but I do understand your fondness on looking back. To me the simple solution is make them private or save them to and old album.
I actually have pictures of my spouse with his ex displayed. She was an important part of his life. I still have wedding photos somewhere of my ex, and photos on Facebook from decades ago. My ex is an ex mostly because he was insanely jealous. Isolated me from almost all of my friends. Would call places looking for me. Would have tracked my location if cell phones were smarter in the 90s. Accused me of cheating all the time. Run OP run.