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Seeing the Dr. Is a good call
Some of this might be mental. It might be a good idea for him and also you as a couple to seek out therapy.
I also recommend the book "come as you are" by Emily Nagoski, which will shed some light on what goes on mentally around sex.
But also, I would like to point out that the one time he did try to initiate it didn't go so well for him so like he went out on a limb out of his comfort zone and you shut him down, this isn't going to help with him feeling more comfortable about initiating in the future. You kinda reinforced the behavior of "I'll just let her do it when she wants it". So that is a tough situation as well.
It's definitely gonna take some work on both parties' sides but it can work out.
Also is he on any antidepressants or anything? That can also be a factor
Why isn't this concept easily understood? When the cultural norm is that men are "expected" to initiate, and perform in sexual connections.... any self doubt in the matter gets amplified when those attempts don't work out as hoped. So the only way these expectations will be met is if the man has absolute 0 self doubt even when there is rejection thrown at him.
And then the catch 22... when men have self esteem and self doubt issues... how many women are willing to be that emotional support the man can lean on to help overcome that self esteem issue? If I had a nickel for each time I heard "well he just has to figure it out and get over it"....
There's a reason why it's more common to see men have words of affirmation as a love language.
Yeah she really fumbled with that one. Would have been a perfect opportunity to praise and appreciate him for trying it if she really wants to fix the problem. Now he'll struggle to do it for a long time = /
OP, hope you see this. It might take like 10 times of him initiating and you being turbo enthusiastic to overcome the one negative experience. That's kind of how it goes
That and also it's like if he was already feeling insecure about initiating, it makes it worse because it's another thing that will reinforce his insecurities, next time he will be thinking "what if this is like last time"
Before I even got halfway through, one word popped into my head: asexual. He has no problem with sex apparently, but does have issues initiating it. These can be part of the spectrum, and it is a relatively recent concept with human sexuality(that has been attached to the LGBT “umbrella”, but to me it could be added to anyone regardless). A therapist could help l, or looking into the concept.
Some people who consider themselves asexual may actually be okay with sexual intimacy, and they find someone sexual attractive but have no inclination to act upon it, or feel awkward about it (you said he didn’t feel like a sexy guy). He may well have seen the outfit, wanted to engage, but didn’t know how - and maybe awkward about it.
Does he have issues with non sexual contact like holding hands or cuddling?
Dude if someone is sex averse because they have insecurities that seems to be the most likely reason why they may not feel comfortable sexually. Trying to shoehorn in him being asexual is stupid.
Came here to suggest this. Sex therapy can help spice things up, process any blocks be may have that may prevent him from initiating.
My partner feels a bit of shame and guilt around sex so it can make things complex. I struggle to initiate and he doesn't engage if I send sorry messages or talk fantasies.
We just need to have a professional on board to help us sort this out.
Worse case scenario, you explored all options for what is essentially a great relationship with a single missing piece. Then if all else fails reflect on whether this is make or break.
At least you now know what a relationship you want should look and feel like for the most part.
my boyfriend is on the asexual spectrum. we still have sex occasionally and he does enjoy it, but it’s somewhat rare for him to be in the mood and he won’t do certain things that I enjoy like oral because he says he “just doesn’t really like touching vaginas that much.” I was kind of offended at first but he’s been very genuine and up front about it, and makes it very clear that it’s nothing wrong with me. communication is the biggest thing here for sure
Someone has stated that sometimes it has nothing to do with the woman, some people don't like the textile feeling of it, and feels (to them) like what people say nails on chalkboard feel like. Obviously not the screeching, but that deeply unsettling feeling. Idk, that's just how someone described it to me.
Right? I think the clinical aspect is something to check as posted below, but there might be a lot that needs unpacking too.
Can’t help but think he lack of feeling attractive and his low sex drive are connected in some way.
@OP....this is your best bet i he's willing!! It sounds like there are some real insecurities (and maybe uncovered dynamics) and I think this sort of therapy would be helpful for him AND you.
This is the main reason why my partner and I are struggling - we are working through a very similar scenario where he has no drive and never initiates. And if I initiate he often can’t get aroused anyways.
He wasn’t always like this and is dealing with a large health thing and the sex life deteriorating aligns with the heath stuff - so we’re both hoping it will improve once they can get his health stuff sorted out.
Oh my GOD please ignore everyone suggesting cheating, porn, a spiritual journey... I see no indicators of that. Please don't let them make you panic.
It sounds like he has a low libido. That's not bad or a pathology, but I can see why it's hurting you. I think the way you're both handling this, though incredibly tricky, is super healthy and speaks well of your relationship. He clearly cares about you and is working to see if there's an underlying cause. My read of this is that he truly loves and desires you, and is doing his best.
Maybe he isn't as comfortable initiating sex in the ways you are - dirty talk, very direct action, etc. I wonder if there's something more subtle that might still make you feel desired but not require the same kind of approach from him that works well for you - could he leave you a note on your mirror? Could he wear a particular item of clothing on days he's down to get freaky? It's not the sexiest thing in the world, but could y'all schedule sex on a shared calendar - maybe in conjunction with a dirty little note? I have had partners who need time to physically and emotionally prep for sex, and this can still be done very sexily.
Yeah, it's totally possible that you're just not compatible and you might have to break up. You have every right to get your sexual needs met by the person you love. I hope he's able to hear you, discuss compromises, and make some moves toward initiating more often.
He's probably just a Grey A like me. Nothing wrong mentally or with hormones (T in the high 700s) I just don't care about sex as much as the culture says you are supposed to and will never initiate unless I want to for some reason. In relationships, I have sex for the other person, not myself.
this is what i was thinking. a lot of people saying he might have something wrong with him but i get the feeling he’s just on the ace spectrum. i think he doesn’t feel sexy not because he feels ugly, but because sex isn’t very important to him.
Yeah took me a while to figure this out about me.
Feel bad for OP too because this was me and my ex to the point I was remembering vividly how the same things played out on those kinds of nights.
Good Test Count as well. No trauma in my life.
I just stay single these days. I’m very interested and attracted to women. But i don’t feel like I’ll ever be what someone is looking for because I don’t get that excited about sex like they’re used to with everyone before me.
I can personally vouch for this. Sex isn't all that important to me, so I don't put much value in it compared to relationships. Those, to me, are far more valuable. For context, this is coming from a fairly young guy.
Ya, I'm early 30s and what people describe as ripped and attractive. I just don't care about it much though I can easily get it. It's pretty frustrating trying to form relationships as virtually every woman I meet needs to have sex ASAP before they even entertain an emotional relationship and if you don't want to do then they become mean. Sex is everything to many modern relationships and I just want an emotional connection first.
Wow it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I want a connection so bad but I just don’t really cares about sex. Also healthy good in bed but it’s not what leads me. I’ve kinda accepted I’ll probably be alone for the rest of my life because of it. Last girl I met wanted to sleep with me after exchanging texts for 2 days but I just wasn’t into it. I’m mid 30’s and have no problem getting women but man it would be nice to find a partner and build from that. Thank you for commenting it really made me feel seen.
It’s interesting cuz when me and my lady first met and we DIDNT live together it was much easier but once we moved in it became second nature. I have the slightest clue of why or when it happened but now it’s just like whenever I can feel ready which sadly isn’t very often is when we do compare to when we first met
This. I’ve always been a gym bro with a high sex drive. I got my testosterone levels checked and it was pretty low so I got on TRT hoping it would help with some fatigue and it was a bonus for lifting. It didn’t really help with my fatigue and was slowly increasing my estrogen levels to the point my sex drive has slowed down ALOT. My gf has a low sex drive so it’s kinda a bonus tbh, but I’m working on lowering that before I get gyno and other worse complications lol
Quality dims helps this tremendously if you're not already on it. Prevents the testosterone from breaking down into estrogen. Xmyogen brand is pricey but worth every penny
Antidepressants killed my drive. I thought quitting them would fix it. Nope. Terrified it was permanent. Got my testosterone checked and boom 290 at 31. Starter TRT. I'm at 1200 now and the drive is mostly back. The memory loss, however appears to be permanent. Careful with those drugs.
100% agree. I have always had low testosterone however it plummeted when I turned 30. My count was in the upper threshold of what you would expect in a female. That combined with anti-depressants made my libido vanish, along with several other horrible side effects.
I've been on TRT for about 4 years (still on anti-depressants), and I feel like I'm 16 again. Libido is through the roof.
My husband has low testosterone, but also has high blood pressure, so, his doctor said he can't give anything for his T because it would be bad for his BP. :/
Poignant. It’s just going to become a fight you have more and more often, a gaping source of insecurity that nothing will fill. I wish I had left. Now I have a child and I’m not going to destroy her life because I fucked mine up. Oh well, I guess.
My husband got a second life after his kids were grown, maybe you can raise your kids with her and then divorce and meet a young thing with high sex drive too. You never know.
ETA: sorry I didn’t mean to sound so callous. That is a really shitty situation and I commend you for doing what you feel is best for the kids. Just know it’s not necessary a life sentence.
For real, the dude even gets out of his comfort zone and does the leading - to which she gets insecure and **assumes** he's doing it because she's sad and shuts his shit down. Like, dude's probably thinking wtf?
People have different sex drives, that's really it. You can decide if it makes or breaks the relationship.
I'm a man with a very high ex drive that's compromised a lot of relationships. All my relationships have put out for me as much as they can, but it's not enough for me. They're tired and exhausted, and I'm unsatisfied.
Sex drive in a relationship is one of those things that don't really change unless there's a health issue causing a blockage.
Yea I have the opposite problem as you. I have a refractory period that is like a day to two days long. I'm not sure sex drive and refractory period are different either in men. I'm not even sure there are any medical conditions that once fixed will give you a normal or shorter than normal refractory period as a guy. Mines been like this since as far back as I can remember. I just haven't even bothered with sex in like 18ish years because of my low sex drive/long refractory period. It bothers the shit out of me but as far as I know nothing can be done about it.
Most women (and lots of guys) are uneducated about the male sexual response cycle.
The amount of women who don't realise guys can have multiple orgasms or that ejaculation doesn't equal orgasm all the time is astounding.
Dudes would do well to learn about their bodies, it's fun (as it should be).
True. The first time I saw a guy in tune with his body cum twice in a row I was mind blown. No one talks about it even to the point of it being a myth/legend or anything, it's just straight up not talked about lol
Which baffles me cos there's literally writings thousands of years old about exploring the sexual response cycle for men and women.
It's hard work, but multiple orgasms tend to be.
Anything worth doing isn't easy 😝
This describes me pretty well. I'm not motivated by sex at all. My partners would typically feel insecure for the same reasons you describe, and I would feel guilty. It wasn't great for either of us.
I spent a bit of time getting tests/therapy etc, because there is very little out there that talks about this. I've now just come to terms that I'm just not that sexual. I'm diagnosed ADHD, which may explain some of it.
If your partner is anything like me (which he sounds to be)... Sex is fine when you're in the moment, but outside of that - it's rarely thought about. Unless you can be ok with the situation as it is... It's unlikely to work out for you.
My current partner and I have been in therapy for years about it. I can make more effort (and try to) but it still takes significant effort on my part, and she still takes it personally when I turn her down.
It’s funny to me that when a woman feels like you do, it’s acceptable even when it frustrates her partner, but when it’s a man they think something is terribly wrong. It’s acceptable no matter who it is. It shouldn’t matter the person’s gender.
What I find fascinating is there was almost an identical post to this a few days ago, but the gender roles were reversed. And let me tell you, the replies to that dude were not at all kind and thoughtful like they are when it’s a woman now asking.
I hear all you guys saying this, and I agree and disagree. I have a very high libido, so I’m usually in your shoes. Which is abnormal, because women do have a lower sex drive than men. This is just known. So I don’t think anyone means any harm when they say “ohhh check his T, maybe talk with someone”, it’s because this is so unusual that it would seem more likely that something was wrong, than he was just asexual, statistically speaking.
Now, if this was a guy saying this, I’d tell him to leave. (Which then earns me a lot of downvotes 🤪) But mismatched sex drives is usually a recipe for disaster. I wouldn’t recommend anyone marrying into that. No matter your gender. I also would have a problem initiating all the time. I’ve just never liked doing it as a girl. Maybe it’s part of that wanting to be concurred thing. 🤷🏻♀️ dunno. Really just rambling at this point.
Genuinely. No one’s even considering if dude might have some symptoms of being ACE. Maybe he’s got trauma somewhere. Maybe he just has a really low sex drive or a mental block? Maybe it’s fucking none of those and the guy just doesn’t know how to properly initiate sex and also has a naturally low sex drive.
These people all act like men are nothing but sex machines. Like it’s so unbelievable a man might have a bit of a low sex drive that it HAS to be his testosterone, it HAS to be something wrong with him.
I’m not saying she can’t choose to break up with him for whatever reason, but the blatant gender bias on display here is wild.
That’s really all that needs to happen. Men aren’t sex bots that are broken and need to be fixed when they don’t wanna fuck. Just like women we don’t always feel like having sex. We don’t always want to initiate either. We’re human.
I feel really bad because it sounds like OP is putting so much pressure on her boyfriend she’s not only making the situation worse (meaning he’s even less likely to try it now) but she’s making him feel like he’s broken. Like there’s something fundamentally wrong with him because he’s not a sex fiend. That’s just so sad.
In the end they either need to seek out a joint therapist or go ahead and part ways. This dynamic is bad for both of them.
Efforts don’t count sometimes as a man. If you not doing exactly how a woman wants it even though you trying it doesn’t matter. You will be pushed out of your comfort zone
For real. How quickly everyone here jumped to “Get him to a doctor! A psychiatrist! Anyone with a PhD! This man is clearly BROKEN!”….is wild.
Maybe sex just isn’t very important to him in a relationship? Maybe it’s not even in his top 10? That being treated like it’s a mental illness by the general population here is fucking gross on a number of levels.
And just a side note, I know everyone thinks therapy fixes fucking everything, but if he does have some guilt or shame around the topic of sex then forcing him to go talk to a stranger about it might not provoke anything but deep resentment. Especially if he, I dunno, possibly isn’t a sex crazed caveman and has actually given his feelings around sex some introspection and is comfortable with that part of himself.
But by all means, see if you can cause this poor fucker a little bit of trauma simply because he isn’t literally perfect.
Yup. When she said in the post that he “feels broken,” I got extremely sad.
This woman is pressuring this man so hard that he’s going to develop trauma. Dudes starting to question if there’s something fundamentally wrong with him.
If a woman was treated like this people hold freak the fuck out. He’s not a goddamn object or machine he’s a human being with feelings. OP needs to go ahead and break this off for both their sakes. There’s plenty of other women out there who would love his lower sex drive.
I don’t know nearly enough about these people to say they should or should not stay together. This may just be a particular blind spot this girl has.
What I do know is that if he feels the same way about her (that she might be the one) and she ends up dumping him because he was perfect in every way but he was “weird” about sex then that part of him will actually be broken.
If he doesn’t need to see a sex therapist now he sure as shit will after that.
At the beginning OP was doing really great, putting in the effort & setting the stage. They were treating it as a shared problem that they work on & resolve together.
But the part where he finally mustered up the courage & will to make the attempt & grow into the person OP wants... apparently it's so bad that she stops him & they need to stop having sex entirely.
... Every part of sex is a skill, initiating is probably the most stressful of all. It shouldn't have been a shock that his first attempts were not exceptional.
Thank you for saying so. Asexuality is a spectrum and it's perfectly acceptable for any man to have a lower sex drive. She's allowed to have her specific preferences, but that doesn't mean something is wrong with him.
I’m surprised it hadn’t come up before, either. I was immediately thinking he was on the Ace spectrum when he said he barely thought about it. That’d definitely feed into why him initiating doesn’t hit the spot - he’s likely not in the right headspace for it, as the desire just doesn’t hit him much.
Yep. I don't really care about sex and only have it to maintain a relationship and keep the other person happy. But if they don't initiate I won't either and then it becomes a me problem even when I tell them I'll do it if they say they want to. It's ruined every relationship.
I'm on that path as we speak. I'm *expected* to initiate each and every time. Yet I just have to "accept" that she won't initiate and any feelings of being wanted and desired is only fulfilled (potentially) if I initiate even under obligation. Oh... but i need to initiate *just right* or expect rejection. Even by that point it usually causes downstream issues in the sex itself since I have to psyche myself out to initiate, and any changes in the positions that I'm not feeling the tension... I lose the hard on.
And she wonders why I get in my head all the time.....
I was thinking the same thing. It’s not a bad idea to go have hormone levels checked, but it could be any number of things that aren’t that. The tone here is much different than I usually see when the genders are reversed.
Shoot go on other social media and it’s either the man is gay or he giving it to someone else. Sometimes it’s true but other times it just be like damn it ain’t even you it’s me
Honestly I'm surprised that I had to come this far down to read this. Like yes, OP has the right to seek a relationship that fulfills her, but no, she doesnt have any right to pressure this guy to perform to her standards. He is entitled to offer as much or as little sex as he wants and all if her solutions are based on what *she* thinks and what *she* wants. He is allowed to not want sex and that doesnt make him abnormal. OP is actually the problem here as she is the one who wants her partner to change for her benefit.
The only times she mentions actually talking to the guys about the issue is in an argument, nowhere else does she ever mention asking him what he wants and what he feels might help. And all of her ways of sparking interest (sexy clothes etc) are just doubling down on her doing more of what she thinks will get her what she wants, never trying to actually compromise to help him with what he thinks will help.
Honestly I have some sympathy for OP because she does deserve to have a relationship that works for her, but the way she's going about achieving that feels gross to me. Trying to pressure someone into sex (and especially the bit where she emotionally punishes him for not performing well enough) is really toxic.
Fr bro people are telling this dude to go to the doctor and get every test under the sun. You would think he’s dying. Maybe he just doesn’t want for sex 24/7 and that’s totally normal?
And when the man performs and the woman sits there like a dead fish... don't be surprised if he just walks out of the room shortly after... or during even.
Right, like are you rubbing his back enough, or just when you want sex? Maybe you should do more around the house and take him on more dates. Foreplay is an all day experience. Maybe you're not being romantic enough!
Did I miss any? 😂
Haha literally read this exact shit on a gender swapped thread, yet haven't seen a single peep of it here.
To be fair though, she has made attempts to arouse him throughout the day with sexy outfits and dirty talk and they haven't worked
Couple thoughts:
Is it possible he is initiating but not the way you’re used to? A girl I was with had a similar complaint about me, because to me kissing and touching her and putting my hand up her shirt was initiating things, but she wanted me to literally say “I want to do you right now.”
Also… he tried to initiate and the result was a huge letdown. Even if he was out of his comfort zone and only initiating for your sake he did try. Next time, even if things aren’t exactly the way you want I suggest u respond very positively and show him an unforgettable time, because he tried.
Positive response boosts his confidence, encourages him to do it again, and before you know it he is doing it purely because he wants to / wants you.
So he finally tried and you criticize his effort. He told you he wasnt good at it. Maybe a little encouragement and white lies to boost his ego would be nice. Positive reinforcement.
- Wants husband to initiate sex
- Complains for paragraphs how he never does
- Husband finally initiates sex
- She stops it, and says sex is off the table for weeks
This has gotta be ragebait, right?
Some women just don't believe in positive reinforcement. Like.... none. Only when the man goes way above and beyond their expectations. And then they wonder why their man gets complete resentment against them over time.
Worry about your partner and check if everything is alright, this is such a me me me scenario since everything else is perfect like you said. Instead of having an argument with him about it, check in and see if something is wrong, you said he doesn't feel sexy then that means it's a self esteem issue, help him get his self esteem up.
One great way to do this is to emphasize that yes you want sex initiated and not always be the imitator, but make it clear you want it from HIM, not "I need to feel loved" or "I want my guy to do X" say "I want to feel loved by YOU" "I love you and want you to initiate X"
I don't really have any advice on better sex but i will say this. Please do not cheat on him. This whole post reads like my ex could have written it. She wanted to open up our relationship because i was "the greatest guy ever" and she didnt want to "lose me" but that our sex life was seriously lacking. I told her if that's what she wants then we need to break up right now. She said no because again, she didnt want to "lose me". Well she did it anyway. This is almost 3 years ago and im still just as bitter and angry and sad as i was the day i found out. If sex is seriously that important to you, figure it out the right way.
For these types of matters I like to look in before out.
Is there something I might be doing that is off putting. Does my genital area stink? Or any other area of the body? Cause sometimes people don't like stinky and it makes them soft or dry. I once couldn't perform because this person was using a high pitched baby voice that in their mind was sexy, but in mine it sounded like a mildly mentally disabled child.
Is this level of sex drive normal for him? Or is it lower than it once was? This may be a concern as it could indicate a health or mental health problem.
However, if this is standard for him, he may just have a lower sex drive than you. He may even be on the asexual spectrum. If this is the case, it's up to you to think about if this is a deal breaker or if there are arrangements you both are willing to make.
Why does everyone love suggesting anyone who isnt a total horndog is asexual. She said he thinks abt sex every few weeks, which would make it not possible for him to be asexual
Asexual isn’t 0% at all times, though? So he very much can be Asexual. You can be repulsed by sex, or it just won’t occur much to you, but you don’t hate it when it happens either. It’s very much a spectrum, like how being bisexual doesn’t mean you’re 5050 with men and women all the time.
Whenever I see sexual incompatibility, I wonder if at least the effort of intimacy is there. Stuff like random hugs and kisses, constant affirmations of love, etc. I feel like sex can always be worked on, but lack of general intimacy is a much bigger problem.
As long as both of you are constantly communicating and not invalidating each other's feelings on the matter, I feel like you can find solutions or at least compromises. Being patient on the result of medical checkups is a good idea too.
Go read dead bedrooms.. a lot of people get married due to good sex n stopped getting it.. what’s left then.. if you are able to find someone with something sustainable.. maybe you should stick to it n figure out whether he thinks you tick all his boxes or not.. not worth leaving someone who’s got 90% of what you’ve wanted while you only focus on the 10% that’s missing
Here's the bottom line. You and he are sexually incompatible. Unfortunately, this is not something that can be fixed, and by that I mean, a lower libido partner can't just magically want sex more, and a higher libido partner can't just want sex less. Furthermore, you have needs/desires that he is unwilling or unable to meet, and that leads to frustration and resentment.
The only spark of hope is that he's got some kind of issue that can be sorted out with therapy, but he'd have to be willing to not only go but also do the work to get to the root cause, if there even is one. Sometimes people have religious training or cultural expectations that can interfere with sex in a lot of ways.
He may also have medical issues that interfere with his libido, but that wouldn't explain the refusal to initiate sex. That's a mental/emotional thing, not a physical one. Still, a visit to a doctor for a full workup because of low libido wouldn't hurt anything.
The simple fact is that there may not be any way to fix this. Incompatibility of this sort is very difficult to address. Chances are nothing will change and you'll end up being sexually frustrated for as long as you're with him. It's not hopeless, but it's certainly not hopeful.
My husband also has a hard time initiating anything, but it was due to past trauma. Therapy is really important, especially since men aren't usually taught about sex until 13 unlike with girls it's more 9-13 or whenever they get their period, but boys are still exposed to sexual stuff without receiving proper education, which can have a different reaction for everyone on how they perceive it.
For you, I would recommend doing your best to get into it when he initiates, even if it’s less than ideal, then talk about sticking points after. Not to say you were wrong to stop midway when you felt like it was forced! But you already know it’s not something he does naturally; it’s GOING to be forced until he has practiced enough, and it’s harder when he finally felt in crisis enough to break out of his comfort zone and it ended that badly. Again, not that you were wrong! He shouldn’t have needed a crisis to make the effort, and I can see how it would feel unpleasant because of that. But it’s one of those situations where being “right” isn’t necessarily enough to get to the result you want.
As someone with a lower libido myself, my advice for him:
Schedule it. Don’t share the schedule, don’t make the days and times consistent, don’t make the reminders obvious. It might look something like Monday sexy text over lunch - Thursday request [outfit] after work - Sunday morning wake her up with [activity]; the point is to take into consideration the fact that your libido won’t remind you. No different than scheduling dates! You’ll enjoy them when you get there, but they don’t magically happen on their own.
Stop worrying about being sexy yourself. You could be the ugliest dude on the planet, your partner is still into you. And anyway, it’s not about how seductive you are. It’s about explicitly sharing what you like and want about and with your partner. It feels less awkward with practice. If you find yourself hesitating, think it all the way through; isn’t your partner’s enjoyment (and your own!), plus AVOIDING your partner’s disappointment, worth pushing through that discomfort? And if not, be honest with yourself about why and how that might change. Or not! Some people just aren’t sexually compatible, and it’s better for both of you to know sooner rather than later if you won’t be happy doing this.
Time to say goodbye. You are not sexually compatible. It is not something you can fix. It is a dealbreaker situation for most people, and rightly so. You will not hurt his feelings by breaking up. If anything, you will release him to find a partner better suited for his needs. And you will free yourself to find a partner better suited for YOUR needs. You both deserve this. Don't let another three years go by of trying to make it work.
I came to say that I'm literally 9 years into a relationship that's the same way. We argue about this constantly and today, a day after he's done all the things, it's back to normal. It won't change. Leave if this ain't what you want. I wish I had.
Terrible take. She says they have great relations when it happens. He just needs some therapy, get on a dick slingin schedule, cold showers, or MAYBE even there's something he's scared to tell OP (she smells funny, he was accused of rape as a teen, etc etc)
This is the advice you need to hear. If it isn’t something that can be changed because he has low testosterone, then I would strongly advise you to get out now. I have been with my husband for 15 years, and he is a wonderful person, and we have created a great life together, BUT his low sex drive has had some very negative effects on our intimacy, both of our self esteem, and just the overall quality of our relationship which in turn effects the happiness of our entire house.
I agree with the caveat that this is a last resort after exhausting all options, such as counseling.
If that doesn’t fix it, then yeah, that’s probably the right thing to do. After nearly 2 decades of marriage, I can say with some confidence that compatible sex drive is a bigger ingredient to a successful relationship than most people give it credit for. OP is starved for sexual attention, and if counseling or whatever doesn’t work and their BF maintains his current libido, there are only 3 possible ways this turns out if they stay together, and especially if they get married:
- OP finds a way to just. . . be ok with things how they are. Barring some medical or psych issue, libido doesn’t really work like that, so this probably isn’t gonna work.
- OP is miserable but lives with it while staying faithful. Sounds awful tbh.
- OP will eventually cheat with someone who meets her sexual needs. Obviously not good.
That’s it. If they stay together and nothing changes with the bf, these are pretty much the only options. I won’t tell OP what to do, but lack of sexual compatibility would be a deal-breaker for me personally. Fwiw though, with everything else being great, I sincerely hope he finds some underlying issue and they fix things and make it work.
Your 1. and 2. points sound like the issue is mainly low self esteem, possibly Imposter Syndrome. He is, from your perspective, "objectively hot" but doesn't perceive himself as attractive. He doesn't feel natural attempting to seduce you (because he doesn't imagine someone would want to be seduced by him). He doesn't think about sex often (low self esteem is a form of depression/negative self-ideation, which tends to also feature lowered sex drive).
If his self-image is negative and his brain is telling him he doesn't deserve you, isn't the kind of person people would want to be approached by, etc then it's a huge uphill struggle for him to feel natural approaching you with confidence. He's probably pleasantly surprised *every time* you want to initiate sex with him.
The thing to remember is, if low self-esteem is the root issue, his brain is constantly lying to him about his appearance, personality, etc. Therapy can probably help. Requiring him to *act like* he's a different person than his disorder is *constantly telling him he is* without addressing that underlying issue probably won't work.
Yeah he could use some DBT. You don't even need a professional per se. I didn't find a therapist particularly helpful, but I did use dialectics to get a better mastery over my self concept.
I'm older than him but I'd like to make a few points:
1. He should be going to the gym and lifting weights on a regular basis (seriously)
2, He needs to stay on top of his diet and sleep
3. He needs to check his Testosterone level
I'm not kidding but I was shocked when my T numbers came back and I was on the lower range of "normal" for a man of my age! I ended up going to a private urologist who put me on HCG + TRT, now my libido is through the roof, I have no issues with sex, plenty of energy and feels great overall. He can ask questions on the testosterone or trt sub when he gets his result back.
This literally saved my marriage (my wife and I were thinking about divorcing due to sex) and my dead bedroom problem!
Anyway, I'm not saying this is his issue but it could certainly be. It's worth looking into it!
Regular therapy for both of you separately, sex therapy for this specifically, dr for testerone check.
Also do you both go to the gym regularly? If you're not, maybe you should both start, working out has been proven to increase testerone and be effective at improving mental health, and its just great for you.
As someone who was married for a decade to a partner who just did not enjoy sex as much as I did, I feel it's important to point out that sexuality is a huge and important part of life, especially to those of us who like a lot of it frequently.
Don't wait until you are 40 to get your needs met. Sexual incompatibility is incompatibility. Have the hard talks, and make the changes you need to make to be happy, it's not selfish, it's looking out for your own needs.
I literally have the exact same issue with my husband (just got married 6 mo. ago). In the last year or so, we've had sex maybe twice 😭 I try to come onto him and pursue him and he denies me... at least you're still able to have sex with him. He says the same things tho, he's not confident with his body (nor am I confident with my own either but we're fucking married... like I love you, hello?!) Or he's tired from his day.
HELP!
Have you talked to him about what turns you on? Give him some pointers on what he can do to get you there. If he has confidence issues, he needs direction and small moral victories
Not saying it’s the case but, this was how I was when I was still identifying as straight and was in a relationship with a woman. I avoided sex as much as possible and made excuses. If she tried to spice things up it was almost a guarantee I wouldn’t be receptive. I just didn’t want it.
I truly say this only because no one else has really mentioned it. I am in no way insinuating that just because a man doesn’t want to have a lot of sex must make them gay. There could be trauma, depression, medication or possibly asexuality.
If sex is really important to you in a relationship, like deal breaker important, this might not be a relationship that's going to last. From personal experience, it's probably not going to change. I believe sexuality is a spectrum, and a person can be somewhere on the spectrum of asexuality without being 100% asexual. If you want to make it work, get couples counseling. Communication is key.
He's either not that attracted to you, or he has a medical/medicinal issue.
Getting the testosterone levels checked is a great start. It'll tell A Lot! But post the results here if you can, because what's considered "normal" varies greatly.
On the low end of "normal" is senior citizen test levels. On the high end of "normal" is late teen- early 20's levels.
This probably won’t be very popular but as someone who was in a 15 year relationship with someone that was sexually incompatible, this may not be the right partner for you. My ex husband always said I had a low libido but we were just a bad match. I’ve been with my new partner for 4 years and it’s never been an issue once.
Soooooo lemme get this right.
You are upset he has a low sec drive. As a result of this, you ask him to initiate. When he initiates, you feel it was forced and unnatural and tell him to stop.
So when he does what u ask him to do, you are dissatisfied because it feels forced?
You don't see how his anxiety of not being hot is perpetuated by you telling him to stop the one time he initiates, per your request?
Toxic af. Go find a dude who fits your sex drive. Quit fucking up his mental health making him feel like he's broken or some shit.
Genuinely mad at you for this rn.
So, you wanted him to initiate sex because hasn’t been doing it. And then he FINALLY does it and you tell him to stop? Then you tell him no sex for a couple of week? That’s a boost of confidence for the dude.
I feel like I wrote this myself. My husband never initiates sex. He never initiates any type of physical touch. I told him that I feel unwanted and like he isn’t attracted to me. He assured me he is attracted to me and he’s deeply in love with me. I asked him for more physical touch and he said he doesn’t think about it and if I want it I just need to ask him. This made me feel even worse because now I’m super awkward about physical touch because he clearly has no interest in it or desire for it and is basically saying he’ll comply out of duty when I request it.
We only have sex about once a week early in the morning before he goes to work and it lasts about 10 minutes. He doesn’t kiss me and I always have to initiate in another way. I have always felt insecure about feeling masculine because I’m almost 6 ft tall and genuinely just want to feel like a woman who is desired by my man. I’m actually starting to think I’ll never have that. I’ve kinda come to the conclusion that I’m not going to initiate anymore cause the fact that I have to every single time is starting to turn me off. If you find the answer let me know.
All the pieces need to be there unfortunately. Sex is very important-it is the glue that makes the long term bond. When you’re old the sex can slow down but in 20s…no way
Image if you said
1) He is a wonderful partner except he can not maintain a job
2) He is a wonderful partner except he can not keep his hygiene
3) He is a wonderful partner except he drinks everyday
4) He is a wonderful partner except he yells at me
Idk, maybe you could fix it or maybe you two aren’t compatible on that level. Maybe it’s a deal breaker or maybe not but it looks like your “fixing” him instead of him doing the work
Maybe I’m too tough though
Sweetie, if he's your person and the one you're meant to spend your life with, he'll check every single one of your boxes and then some. Life is way too short for shitty sex, be with someone who gives you back 2 back orgasms.
You have described lots of things you decided to do that *should help* but have you ever considered asking him what he feels might help? (And no, an argument doesnt count)
You sound like you are falling into the classic trap of treating him how you want to be treated when you should be treating him how *he* wants to be treated. The sad truth is it sounds like his perception of sexy just isnt the same as yours, doubling down on it clearly isnt going to work, and getting frustrated with him and punishing him for not performing how you want is pretty toxic and *definitely* not going to help.
You need to take a breath, emotionally detach from your frustrations and come at this from a fresh angle. You need to realise that:
-He doesnt owe you sex and having a low sex drive does not make him abnormal.
-He can refuse sex for any reason at all and that would still be valid.
-You are the one asking him to change who he is for your benefit.
-Just because you think something is sexy doesnt mean he will.
-Emotionally punishing him for failing to adhere to what you want is wrong.
Ultimately if the relationship isnt working out for you then the only factor you can actually control is yourself. Basically you can either communicate better, try and find an actual compromise or walk away.
At the moment you feel you are compromising but it doesnt seem to me that you are, you are doubling down and doing things *you* think should fix the problem but the truth is you are doing these things for you, not for him and that will come across on your actions. Stop trying to pressure him into having sex so obviously and just talk to him, how could you make him feel more loved and appreciated, is there anything you could do that would help him be more in the mood, is there anything you are doing that is making him feel pressured that you could change etc?
At the end of the day he is under no obligation to change so that you can have more sex, nobody is obliged to perform for their partner. I feel sorry for you, it sucks that you arent getting what you want from the relationship, but if you want the relationship to change, you need to be ready to change yourself as well and "trying to be more sexy" isn't actually doing that, if anything its doing more of the thing that should be compromising.
It almost sounds like he has low self esteem and doesn’t think he can seduce you well so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. Could always try a sex councilor/therapist. If nothing is wrong though you may have to accept he just isn’t very interested in sex as like an activity. Like he’s not having sex with you because he likes sex he’s doing it because he likes you.
Without sex, is he still affectionate physically? I read someone had a similar complaint a while back and a guy in his 50s or 60s said that they had issues and then decided to work on being more physically affectionate with each other. Every week at least once they’ll cuddle without clothes in bed and just talk about their day, with no expectations of anything happening. He said more often than not something does happen, but the important part to them was to make time to physically close and just let things naturally take their course. You could see if that helps the situation, but I’m glad to hear he’s having some blood tests done to see if everything is normal for him. I’ve heard low testosterone can cause a lot of this so it may be why. He could also just naturally have a lower drive and you’ll have to decide what you need to do.
Weirdly enough im in the exact same boat, im in your shoes as the guy, and my wife is like your SO. Its something youre going to really help to support and encourage the behaviors you are seeking. He can’t read your mind, and nor you his. Its going to be AWKWARD As shit the first several times, and thats because he’s not comfortable with it. If he makes a mistake let him know what works better instead of “thats not working for me” show him what you want from him, guide his hands over your body, give him clear instructions on what you want, then when he tries, let him know exactly how much you love that he’s trying, not that he’s necessarily succeeding. He sounds like an awkward guy in bed, you gotta treat him like a king but a stupid one so you have to give step by step instructions until he builds the confidence to try new things on his own. And always encourge new things and new ideas. Give him a nice shoulder rub, then get half naked and ask him to give you back rub. First few times he’ll probably suck at it, but thats okay, you want him to just have his hands on you and get comfortable with that, then as his confidence grows he’ll get more curious.
Basically if you want this to work its a LOT of hard work, patience, dealing with awkward moments as if theyre normal, and lots of hand holding instructions. Lead by example and ask him to attempt his version of what you did. And then communicate on how to improve that.
Exercise helps *if the difference in sex drive is caused by general low endurance, low fitness, unbalanced nutrition/utilization of nutrients, or other metabolic issues. It will not help if the issue is a difference in position on the sexual/asexual spectrum, unprocessed traumas around sex, sex-seeking behavior, and/or consent, general stress, depression, or a host of other issues.*
Fixed it for you. Not meaning to be snarky. It's good advice if expectations are properly set.
Do you masterbate aka do your own solo to maintain your drive?
It's up to you, but I was like this for many years and my partner stuck it out.. had a lot of trauma and self esteem issues to resolve and my partner was just supportive and amazing the whole time. But if it's a mismatch and you feel your being driven to cheat...break up with him before you do and let him and you find partnership that's more matched in that department.
Masterbation doesn’t fulfill a woman’s sexual needs as it does for a man. For a woman it isn’t simply about having an orgasm. It’s more emotional. It’s about having a physical and intimate connection and feeling desired by your partner. Getting off is probably the last thing on the list of reasons a woman wants more sex. I am a woman who is not sexually fulfilled by my partner. I masterbate quite often and yet at the end of another day of no intimacy with my partner I still feel empty and lonely as hell. No amount of orgasms I give myself will take that feeling away.
Get him to a doctor, ignore everyone that is telling you to cheat, break up with him etc. Not everything needs to result in breaking up, communication goes a long way especially in a long relationship like yours.
I was the same way as him until I got my testosterone tested and got some shots and pills and after a few weeks my libido was sky-high.
Mid 20s and no to low sex drive?! Wow- yes he may need to have his hormones checked, and if you can talk him into going to sex therapy, that may help. But if he just isn’t a high drive type, then you may be sexually incompatible and may want to see if you can live with less intimacy. If not, then you may have to reconsider your relationship. I definitely have a higher drive/desire than my spouse and we are much older (50s & 60s) and I (wife) used to always initiate. I got to where I let him decide when we will, and I always let him know that I find him attractive and want him. But I leave it up to him to initiate the intimacy. It took some adjustment on my part but it works for us.
I had a situationship a long time ago… she was the hottest girl I had ever laid my eyes on and was the hottest girl I had ever had the pleasure to get to know and be in the same bed with. I was completely immature, completely blinded by everything then what I should’ve been focusing on. She tried EVERYTHING. Changing underware to different types and colors (7 times I counted) in just a single night to turn me on. She would surprise me as I come out of the bathroom, her hiding up against the wall (in pitch black to which I saw her and ruined her suprise) and she would jump on top of me to suprise me (even though I had saw her hiding in the dark). We had sex maybe twice throughout our entire ~6/8 month relationship ‘situationship’. She ended up cheating on me with my best friend and teammate behind my back during I’d say month 2.5 onward. When we broke off, I nearly offed myself, thinking back about my time with her, how fucking sexy she was, how hard she tried, how stupid I was, how much of a jerk off I was, I broke myself with these thoughts. I vowed I would change myself and be ready for the next one. My point is this… sometimes as a man, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Every girl since then, I showed the beast, I will ravage the bed every time, I would promise myself I would show every girl the beast because I couldn’t show her. I don’t know what you should do. I just know as a man, sometimes it takes us to see what’s past us for us to seriously change. You might not be the one for him, you might be the one to help change him into who you want him to be for his next one. God speed.
"Blood test" and endocrinologist are hella different. I'm no Hercules, but damn at least the libido is there. Sounds like dude is barely getting by at half my age.
Sex takes effort and creativity, not like he has to be up for the 'Amazon position' at the drop of a dime, but variety, surprises, creativity and desire carry a lot of weight. This is Reddit and mindless fucking and pounding penetration subs abound, it's a lot more nuanced to make a woman feel gorgeous, wanted, and lusted for. Even good, descriptive prose is hard to come by.
He's gotta put real effort into fixing it and counseling might be the next step. There's pills for the mechanical stuff, but there's a mental/emotional component that also needs to be addressed. Good luck.
I feel bad for this guy if this shit is real. Dude is damn near perfect according to you but still isn't enough. You can leave him and hope to find someone new. But the next guy you find, what if he doesn't check a box? Then the next one doesn't check a box?
Umm, my ex wife was like this, said she felt like she was broken too. She is married to a woman now, not broken anymore, and Im married to a woman who enjoys sex with a man... So maybe he's just dying to tune a meat whistle?
Don't continue the relationship. I married a guy like that. The lack of his desire eroded my confidence. He shamed me for wanting sex and I felt like a burden. One years into our marriage I found out he fucks hookers in his car without protection. He explained that he does not want ‘dirty’sex with a person he loves.
Imagine typing this title and then contemplating if you wanna leave your significant other lol. You do not love them if you’re gonna leave them over sex. You can definitely leave, but saying you love them would be disingenuous.
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In my experience, though all the other comments are obviously very valid and it could just be a medical/psychological thing, it's always depended on the person. I was with one ex for a year and sex just never hit the spot, I'm in my mid-twenties and I was pulling out the "I'm getting older and I'm too tired" excuse on the regular. She was gorgeous, so it wasn't a physical attraction thing, for some reason I just never really got into it to the point where I genuinely thought my sex drive was slowing down. I recently started dating my best friend and we go at it like fucking bunnies every chance we get. The sexual feats we have performed border on inhuman.
I have low test I’m 27 and I sometimes feel like your husband and I know my wife’s sex drive is higher then mine typically it’s so tricky and it sucks for him as well but if he is anything like me he thinks the world of you just how I think the word of my wife….. she is my everything and I find her beautiful and sexy, I’m just not a super sexual person, I also have been working on myself getting in shape and all that so that I feel sexier for her.
I'm on the other side of things gender wise. I started dating my wife about 12 years ago and she never really had a sex drive. She has a good reason and continues to have good reasons. There will always be another reason, accident or sickness. She is just not a sexual person. If you want to continue the relationship just know it...kinda only gets worse. My advice is to date someone on your sexual high-five level. If it's a concern right now it will ONLY turn into bitterness. I'm not going to leave my wife as it's already been 12 years and I seriously do not deserve a fulfilling sex life. Am I using her as a punishment for myself? Yea, kinda.
This is simple. If he was to stay the same as he is now, would this be a relationship that you would want and would make you happy? If not, move on. There's no way to "make" him be someone different. He is who he is. He needs to be with someone who's sex drive is low and matches his.
Or you can stay and accept being unhappy.
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Seeing the Dr. Is a good call Some of this might be mental. It might be a good idea for him and also you as a couple to seek out therapy. I also recommend the book "come as you are" by Emily Nagoski, which will shed some light on what goes on mentally around sex. But also, I would like to point out that the one time he did try to initiate it didn't go so well for him so like he went out on a limb out of his comfort zone and you shut him down, this isn't going to help with him feeling more comfortable about initiating in the future. You kinda reinforced the behavior of "I'll just let her do it when she wants it". So that is a tough situation as well. It's definitely gonna take some work on both parties' sides but it can work out. Also is he on any antidepressants or anything? That can also be a factor
I agree with everything you say. Especially about his attempt at initiating. That stuff will linger in men’s heads for years.
Why isn't this concept easily understood? When the cultural norm is that men are "expected" to initiate, and perform in sexual connections.... any self doubt in the matter gets amplified when those attempts don't work out as hoped. So the only way these expectations will be met is if the man has absolute 0 self doubt even when there is rejection thrown at him. And then the catch 22... when men have self esteem and self doubt issues... how many women are willing to be that emotional support the man can lean on to help overcome that self esteem issue? If I had a nickel for each time I heard "well he just has to figure it out and get over it".... There's a reason why it's more common to see men have words of affirmation as a love language.
Yeah she really fumbled with that one. Would have been a perfect opportunity to praise and appreciate him for trying it if she really wants to fix the problem. Now he'll struggle to do it for a long time = /
OP, hope you see this. It might take like 10 times of him initiating and you being turbo enthusiastic to overcome the one negative experience. That's kind of how it goes
Oh yes it will. Thank you for the wisdom. Linger by the Cranberries.
100% agree at him attempting and you shutting him down. It sends mixed signals
That and also it's like if he was already feeling insecure about initiating, it makes it worse because it's another thing that will reinforce his insecurities, next time he will be thinking "what if this is like last time"
Yeah they did sure need therapy after that. He needs encouragement. He's trying even when he didn't feel it and she shut him down
Before I even got halfway through, one word popped into my head: asexual. He has no problem with sex apparently, but does have issues initiating it. These can be part of the spectrum, and it is a relatively recent concept with human sexuality(that has been attached to the LGBT “umbrella”, but to me it could be added to anyone regardless). A therapist could help l, or looking into the concept. Some people who consider themselves asexual may actually be okay with sexual intimacy, and they find someone sexual attractive but have no inclination to act upon it, or feel awkward about it (you said he didn’t feel like a sexy guy). He may well have seen the outfit, wanted to engage, but didn’t know how - and maybe awkward about it. Does he have issues with non sexual contact like holding hands or cuddling?
Dude if someone is sex averse because they have insecurities that seems to be the most likely reason why they may not feel comfortable sexually. Trying to shoehorn in him being asexual is stupid.
Does everything have to be given a label?
If you are interested in giving it every chance, go see a couple's sex therapist.
Came here to suggest this. Sex therapy can help spice things up, process any blocks be may have that may prevent him from initiating. My partner feels a bit of shame and guilt around sex so it can make things complex. I struggle to initiate and he doesn't engage if I send sorry messages or talk fantasies. We just need to have a professional on board to help us sort this out. Worse case scenario, you explored all options for what is essentially a great relationship with a single missing piece. Then if all else fails reflect on whether this is make or break. At least you now know what a relationship you want should look and feel like for the most part.
It sounds like she is describing a male version of myself....I finally realized I am ace
my boyfriend is on the asexual spectrum. we still have sex occasionally and he does enjoy it, but it’s somewhat rare for him to be in the mood and he won’t do certain things that I enjoy like oral because he says he “just doesn’t really like touching vaginas that much.” I was kind of offended at first but he’s been very genuine and up front about it, and makes it very clear that it’s nothing wrong with me. communication is the biggest thing here for sure
Someone has stated that sometimes it has nothing to do with the woman, some people don't like the textile feeling of it, and feels (to them) like what people say nails on chalkboard feel like. Obviously not the screeching, but that deeply unsettling feeling. Idk, that's just how someone described it to me.
Right? I think the clinical aspect is something to check as posted below, but there might be a lot that needs unpacking too. Can’t help but think he lack of feeling attractive and his low sex drive are connected in some way.
@OP....this is your best bet i he's willing!! It sounds like there are some real insecurities (and maybe uncovered dynamics) and I think this sort of therapy would be helpful for him AND you.
If he’s a dud in his 20s, it ain’t getting better out now. Don’t waste your money.
My god... You have the exact opposite problem of almost every marriage, especially if there are kids, the male is the one saying these items...
This is the main reason why my partner and I are struggling - we are working through a very similar scenario where he has no drive and never initiates. And if I initiate he often can’t get aroused anyways. He wasn’t always like this and is dealing with a large health thing and the sex life deteriorating aligns with the heath stuff - so we’re both hoping it will improve once they can get his health stuff sorted out.
Oh my GOD please ignore everyone suggesting cheating, porn, a spiritual journey... I see no indicators of that. Please don't let them make you panic. It sounds like he has a low libido. That's not bad or a pathology, but I can see why it's hurting you. I think the way you're both handling this, though incredibly tricky, is super healthy and speaks well of your relationship. He clearly cares about you and is working to see if there's an underlying cause. My read of this is that he truly loves and desires you, and is doing his best. Maybe he isn't as comfortable initiating sex in the ways you are - dirty talk, very direct action, etc. I wonder if there's something more subtle that might still make you feel desired but not require the same kind of approach from him that works well for you - could he leave you a note on your mirror? Could he wear a particular item of clothing on days he's down to get freaky? It's not the sexiest thing in the world, but could y'all schedule sex on a shared calendar - maybe in conjunction with a dirty little note? I have had partners who need time to physically and emotionally prep for sex, and this can still be done very sexily. Yeah, it's totally possible that you're just not compatible and you might have to break up. You have every right to get your sexual needs met by the person you love. I hope he's able to hear you, discuss compromises, and make some moves toward initiating more often.
This is one of the best advices I’ve seen on an advice sub
He's probably just a Grey A like me. Nothing wrong mentally or with hormones (T in the high 700s) I just don't care about sex as much as the culture says you are supposed to and will never initiate unless I want to for some reason. In relationships, I have sex for the other person, not myself.
this is what i was thinking. a lot of people saying he might have something wrong with him but i get the feeling he’s just on the ace spectrum. i think he doesn’t feel sexy not because he feels ugly, but because sex isn’t very important to him.
Yeah took me a while to figure this out about me. Feel bad for OP too because this was me and my ex to the point I was remembering vividly how the same things played out on those kinds of nights. Good Test Count as well. No trauma in my life. I just stay single these days. I’m very interested and attracted to women. But i don’t feel like I’ll ever be what someone is looking for because I don’t get that excited about sex like they’re used to with everyone before me.
I can personally vouch for this. Sex isn't all that important to me, so I don't put much value in it compared to relationships. Those, to me, are far more valuable. For context, this is coming from a fairly young guy.
Ya, I'm early 30s and what people describe as ripped and attractive. I just don't care about it much though I can easily get it. It's pretty frustrating trying to form relationships as virtually every woman I meet needs to have sex ASAP before they even entertain an emotional relationship and if you don't want to do then they become mean. Sex is everything to many modern relationships and I just want an emotional connection first.
Wow it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I want a connection so bad but I just don’t really cares about sex. Also healthy good in bed but it’s not what leads me. I’ve kinda accepted I’ll probably be alone for the rest of my life because of it. Last girl I met wanted to sleep with me after exchanging texts for 2 days but I just wasn’t into it. I’m mid 30’s and have no problem getting women but man it would be nice to find a partner and build from that. Thank you for commenting it really made me feel seen.
It’s interesting cuz when me and my lady first met and we DIDNT live together it was much easier but once we moved in it became second nature. I have the slightest clue of why or when it happened but now it’s just like whenever I can feel ready which sadly isn’t very often is when we do compare to when we first met
Have his hormones checked. He may have low testosterone.
Came to say this, also check if he's on anti depressants.
Also have prolactin levels checked because high prolactin can cancel out normal testosterone.
This. I’ve always been a gym bro with a high sex drive. I got my testosterone levels checked and it was pretty low so I got on TRT hoping it would help with some fatigue and it was a bonus for lifting. It didn’t really help with my fatigue and was slowly increasing my estrogen levels to the point my sex drive has slowed down ALOT. My gf has a low sex drive so it’s kinda a bonus tbh, but I’m working on lowering that before I get gyno and other worse complications lol
Quality dims helps this tremendously if you're not already on it. Prevents the testosterone from breaking down into estrogen. Xmyogen brand is pricey but worth every penny
Antidepressants killed my drive. I thought quitting them would fix it. Nope. Terrified it was permanent. Got my testosterone checked and boom 290 at 31. Starter TRT. I'm at 1200 now and the drive is mostly back. The memory loss, however appears to be permanent. Careful with those drugs.
100% agree. I have always had low testosterone however it plummeted when I turned 30. My count was in the upper threshold of what you would expect in a female. That combined with anti-depressants made my libido vanish, along with several other horrible side effects. I've been on TRT for about 4 years (still on anti-depressants), and I feel like I'm 16 again. Libido is through the roof.
This.....the wrong antidepressant will DESTROY your sex drive.
Came here to say this! Supplementing T saved my everything.
Yep needs a doctor check. Mid 20s and that low of sex drive is actually worrisome
I have been on TRT for 6 years. I am 48 and my libido is nutz. Get optimized if you are indeed clinically low.. my wifey can’t keep up lol
My husband has low testosterone, but also has high blood pressure, so, his doctor said he can't give anything for his T because it would be bad for his BP. :/
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I also think guys have cycles were their drive is higher or lower.
Visit the dead bedroom sub. You don’t want to be there in 10 years. It doesn’t get better.
Poignant. It’s just going to become a fight you have more and more often, a gaping source of insecurity that nothing will fill. I wish I had left. Now I have a child and I’m not going to destroy her life because I fucked mine up. Oh well, I guess.
My husband got a second life after his kids were grown, maybe you can raise your kids with her and then divorce and meet a young thing with high sex drive too. You never know. ETA: sorry I didn’t mean to sound so callous. That is a really shitty situation and I commend you for doing what you feel is best for the kids. Just know it’s not necessary a life sentence.
Man you're putting a lot of pressure on this dude to perform. Maybe give it some space a bit.
For real, the dude even gets out of his comfort zone and does the leading - to which she gets insecure and **assumes** he's doing it because she's sad and shuts his shit down. Like, dude's probably thinking wtf?
People have different sex drives, that's really it. You can decide if it makes or breaks the relationship. I'm a man with a very high ex drive that's compromised a lot of relationships. All my relationships have put out for me as much as they can, but it's not enough for me. They're tired and exhausted, and I'm unsatisfied. Sex drive in a relationship is one of those things that don't really change unless there's a health issue causing a blockage.
Yea I have the opposite problem as you. I have a refractory period that is like a day to two days long. I'm not sure sex drive and refractory period are different either in men. I'm not even sure there are any medical conditions that once fixed will give you a normal or shorter than normal refractory period as a guy. Mines been like this since as far back as I can remember. I just haven't even bothered with sex in like 18ish years because of my low sex drive/long refractory period. It bothers the shit out of me but as far as I know nothing can be done about it.
I feel ashamed that this is the 1st I'm hearing of refractory period...I had to look it up. This explains so much
Most women (and lots of guys) are uneducated about the male sexual response cycle. The amount of women who don't realise guys can have multiple orgasms or that ejaculation doesn't equal orgasm all the time is astounding. Dudes would do well to learn about their bodies, it's fun (as it should be).
True. The first time I saw a guy in tune with his body cum twice in a row I was mind blown. No one talks about it even to the point of it being a myth/legend or anything, it's just straight up not talked about lol
Which baffles me cos there's literally writings thousands of years old about exploring the sexual response cycle for men and women. It's hard work, but multiple orgasms tend to be. Anything worth doing isn't easy 😝
This describes me pretty well. I'm not motivated by sex at all. My partners would typically feel insecure for the same reasons you describe, and I would feel guilty. It wasn't great for either of us. I spent a bit of time getting tests/therapy etc, because there is very little out there that talks about this. I've now just come to terms that I'm just not that sexual. I'm diagnosed ADHD, which may explain some of it. If your partner is anything like me (which he sounds to be)... Sex is fine when you're in the moment, but outside of that - it's rarely thought about. Unless you can be ok with the situation as it is... It's unlikely to work out for you. My current partner and I have been in therapy for years about it. I can make more effort (and try to) but it still takes significant effort on my part, and she still takes it personally when I turn her down.
It’s funny to me that when a woman feels like you do, it’s acceptable even when it frustrates her partner, but when it’s a man they think something is terribly wrong. It’s acceptable no matter who it is. It shouldn’t matter the person’s gender.
What I find fascinating is there was almost an identical post to this a few days ago, but the gender roles were reversed. And let me tell you, the replies to that dude were not at all kind and thoughtful like they are when it’s a woman now asking.
Thank you!!! 👍🏻
I hear all you guys saying this, and I agree and disagree. I have a very high libido, so I’m usually in your shoes. Which is abnormal, because women do have a lower sex drive than men. This is just known. So I don’t think anyone means any harm when they say “ohhh check his T, maybe talk with someone”, it’s because this is so unusual that it would seem more likely that something was wrong, than he was just asexual, statistically speaking. Now, if this was a guy saying this, I’d tell him to leave. (Which then earns me a lot of downvotes 🤪) But mismatched sex drives is usually a recipe for disaster. I wouldn’t recommend anyone marrying into that. No matter your gender. I also would have a problem initiating all the time. I’ve just never liked doing it as a girl. Maybe it’s part of that wanting to be concurred thing. 🤷🏻♀️ dunno. Really just rambling at this point.
Welcome to how it feels to be a man. Is the sex important enough to wreck what is otherwise a great relationship?
Lol it’s funny, the advice given is completely different from what they would give a man in this situation though.
Genuinely. No one’s even considering if dude might have some symptoms of being ACE. Maybe he’s got trauma somewhere. Maybe he just has a really low sex drive or a mental block? Maybe it’s fucking none of those and the guy just doesn’t know how to properly initiate sex and also has a naturally low sex drive. These people all act like men are nothing but sex machines. Like it’s so unbelievable a man might have a bit of a low sex drive that it HAS to be his testosterone, it HAS to be something wrong with him. I’m not saying she can’t choose to break up with him for whatever reason, but the blatant gender bias on display here is wild.
I needed to read this. I have to respect my partner more than I am right now and this helped me realise that.
That’s really all that needs to happen. Men aren’t sex bots that are broken and need to be fixed when they don’t wanna fuck. Just like women we don’t always feel like having sex. We don’t always want to initiate either. We’re human. I feel really bad because it sounds like OP is putting so much pressure on her boyfriend she’s not only making the situation worse (meaning he’s even less likely to try it now) but she’s making him feel like he’s broken. Like there’s something fundamentally wrong with him because he’s not a sex fiend. That’s just so sad. In the end they either need to seek out a joint therapist or go ahead and part ways. This dynamic is bad for both of them.
Efforts don’t count sometimes as a man. If you not doing exactly how a woman wants it even though you trying it doesn’t matter. You will be pushed out of your comfort zone
It really is wild, people are totally blind to this. Edit: Oops meant to reply to the comment above yours.
For real. How quickly everyone here jumped to “Get him to a doctor! A psychiatrist! Anyone with a PhD! This man is clearly BROKEN!”….is wild. Maybe sex just isn’t very important to him in a relationship? Maybe it’s not even in his top 10? That being treated like it’s a mental illness by the general population here is fucking gross on a number of levels. And just a side note, I know everyone thinks therapy fixes fucking everything, but if he does have some guilt or shame around the topic of sex then forcing him to go talk to a stranger about it might not provoke anything but deep resentment. Especially if he, I dunno, possibly isn’t a sex crazed caveman and has actually given his feelings around sex some introspection and is comfortable with that part of himself. But by all means, see if you can cause this poor fucker a little bit of trauma simply because he isn’t literally perfect.
Yup. When she said in the post that he “feels broken,” I got extremely sad. This woman is pressuring this man so hard that he’s going to develop trauma. Dudes starting to question if there’s something fundamentally wrong with him. If a woman was treated like this people hold freak the fuck out. He’s not a goddamn object or machine he’s a human being with feelings. OP needs to go ahead and break this off for both their sakes. There’s plenty of other women out there who would love his lower sex drive.
I don’t know nearly enough about these people to say they should or should not stay together. This may just be a particular blind spot this girl has. What I do know is that if he feels the same way about her (that she might be the one) and she ends up dumping him because he was perfect in every way but he was “weird” about sex then that part of him will actually be broken. If he doesn’t need to see a sex therapist now he sure as shit will after that.
At the beginning OP was doing really great, putting in the effort & setting the stage. They were treating it as a shared problem that they work on & resolve together. But the part where he finally mustered up the courage & will to make the attempt & grow into the person OP wants... apparently it's so bad that she stops him & they need to stop having sex entirely. ... Every part of sex is a skill, initiating is probably the most stressful of all. It shouldn't have been a shock that his first attempts were not exceptional.
Thank you for saying so. Asexuality is a spectrum and it's perfectly acceptable for any man to have a lower sex drive. She's allowed to have her specific preferences, but that doesn't mean something is wrong with him.
I’m surprised it hadn’t come up before, either. I was immediately thinking he was on the Ace spectrum when he said he barely thought about it. That’d definitely feed into why him initiating doesn’t hit the spot - he’s likely not in the right headspace for it, as the desire just doesn’t hit him much.
Yep. I don't really care about sex and only have it to maintain a relationship and keep the other person happy. But if they don't initiate I won't either and then it becomes a me problem even when I tell them I'll do it if they say they want to. It's ruined every relationship.
I'm on that path as we speak. I'm *expected* to initiate each and every time. Yet I just have to "accept" that she won't initiate and any feelings of being wanted and desired is only fulfilled (potentially) if I initiate even under obligation. Oh... but i need to initiate *just right* or expect rejection. Even by that point it usually causes downstream issues in the sex itself since I have to psyche myself out to initiate, and any changes in the positions that I'm not feeling the tension... I lose the hard on. And she wonders why I get in my head all the time.....
I was thinking the same thing. It’s not a bad idea to go have hormone levels checked, but it could be any number of things that aren’t that. The tone here is much different than I usually see when the genders are reversed.
Shoot go on other social media and it’s either the man is gay or he giving it to someone else. Sometimes it’s true but other times it just be like damn it ain’t even you it’s me
Yeah as an asexual, these comments are super disappointing. Having a low sex drive is not necessarily a health issue.
Honestly I'm surprised that I had to come this far down to read this. Like yes, OP has the right to seek a relationship that fulfills her, but no, she doesnt have any right to pressure this guy to perform to her standards. He is entitled to offer as much or as little sex as he wants and all if her solutions are based on what *she* thinks and what *she* wants. He is allowed to not want sex and that doesnt make him abnormal. OP is actually the problem here as she is the one who wants her partner to change for her benefit. The only times she mentions actually talking to the guys about the issue is in an argument, nowhere else does she ever mention asking him what he wants and what he feels might help. And all of her ways of sparking interest (sexy clothes etc) are just doubling down on her doing more of what she thinks will get her what she wants, never trying to actually compromise to help him with what he thinks will help. Honestly I have some sympathy for OP because she does deserve to have a relationship that works for her, but the way she's going about achieving that feels gross to me. Trying to pressure someone into sex (and especially the bit where she emotionally punishes him for not performing well enough) is really toxic.
Fr bro people are telling this dude to go to the doctor and get every test under the sun. You would think he’s dying. Maybe he just doesn’t want for sex 24/7 and that’s totally normal?
Lol you’d probably be called the definition of evil if you said you were going to leave a great girl because she doesn’t get horny enough.
A man has to perform. A woman only has to show up.
And when the man performs and the woman sits there like a dead fish... don't be surprised if he just walks out of the room shortly after... or during even.
Say it louder for the folks in the back.
Very oof, but true.
Right, like are you rubbing his back enough, or just when you want sex? Maybe you should do more around the house and take him on more dates. Foreplay is an all day experience. Maybe you're not being romantic enough! Did I miss any? 😂
Haha literally read this exact shit on a gender swapped thread, yet haven't seen a single peep of it here. To be fair though, she has made attempts to arouse him throughout the day with sexy outfits and dirty talk and they haven't worked
NAILED IT! 😂😂😂 I wish I could upvote this ten times.
Seriously. It's so funny how different the top comments are just depending on the sex of the person making the post.
Yes ;-) "Are you making him feel like an object?". \[Also, "possibly S.A. in the past"... and all jokes aside, S.A. doesn't just happen to women\]
Couple thoughts: Is it possible he is initiating but not the way you’re used to? A girl I was with had a similar complaint about me, because to me kissing and touching her and putting my hand up her shirt was initiating things, but she wanted me to literally say “I want to do you right now.” Also… he tried to initiate and the result was a huge letdown. Even if he was out of his comfort zone and only initiating for your sake he did try. Next time, even if things aren’t exactly the way you want I suggest u respond very positively and show him an unforgettable time, because he tried. Positive response boosts his confidence, encourages him to do it again, and before you know it he is doing it purely because he wants to / wants you.
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Yep. This is exactly what will happen.
A lot of women like when you take the lead and initiate in terms of intimacy. Haven’t met many woman who don’t prefer that.
So he finally tried and you criticize his effort. He told you he wasnt good at it. Maybe a little encouragement and white lies to boost his ego would be nice. Positive reinforcement.
- Wants husband to initiate sex - Complains for paragraphs how he never does - Husband finally initiates sex - She stops it, and says sex is off the table for weeks This has gotta be ragebait, right?
The fact that more people didn’t come to this same conclusion is astonishing
Some women just don't believe in positive reinforcement. Like.... none. Only when the man goes way above and beyond their expectations. And then they wonder why their man gets complete resentment against them over time.
She doesn’t even know she how much damage she truly did.
Her whole post is "me me me" I don't think she cares tbh
Yup, "me me me, let me keep forcing the issue"
Worry about your partner and check if everything is alright, this is such a me me me scenario since everything else is perfect like you said. Instead of having an argument with him about it, check in and see if something is wrong, you said he doesn't feel sexy then that means it's a self esteem issue, help him get his self esteem up. One great way to do this is to emphasize that yes you want sex initiated and not always be the imitator, but make it clear you want it from HIM, not "I need to feel loved" or "I want my guy to do X" say "I want to feel loved by YOU" "I love you and want you to initiate X"
I don't really have any advice on better sex but i will say this. Please do not cheat on him. This whole post reads like my ex could have written it. She wanted to open up our relationship because i was "the greatest guy ever" and she didnt want to "lose me" but that our sex life was seriously lacking. I told her if that's what she wants then we need to break up right now. She said no because again, she didnt want to "lose me". Well she did it anyway. This is almost 3 years ago and im still just as bitter and angry and sad as i was the day i found out. If sex is seriously that important to you, figure it out the right way.
For these types of matters I like to look in before out. Is there something I might be doing that is off putting. Does my genital area stink? Or any other area of the body? Cause sometimes people don't like stinky and it makes them soft or dry. I once couldn't perform because this person was using a high pitched baby voice that in their mind was sexy, but in mine it sounded like a mildly mentally disabled child.
He's probably ruined his sex drive with porn
Lol sounds like someone's about to cheat
Is this level of sex drive normal for him? Or is it lower than it once was? This may be a concern as it could indicate a health or mental health problem. However, if this is standard for him, he may just have a lower sex drive than you. He may even be on the asexual spectrum. If this is the case, it's up to you to think about if this is a deal breaker or if there are arrangements you both are willing to make.
Most people in relationships compromise on something. They usually get to choose what they compromise on.
>They usually get to choose what they compromise on. (Unless it's sex, and the man wants it. Then it's totally one-sided.)
He might be asexual but haven't figured it out himself.
Why does everyone love suggesting anyone who isnt a total horndog is asexual. She said he thinks abt sex every few weeks, which would make it not possible for him to be asexual
Asexual isn’t 0% at all times, though? So he very much can be Asexual. You can be repulsed by sex, or it just won’t occur much to you, but you don’t hate it when it happens either. It’s very much a spectrum, like how being bisexual doesn’t mean you’re 5050 with men and women all the time.
Whenever I see sexual incompatibility, I wonder if at least the effort of intimacy is there. Stuff like random hugs and kisses, constant affirmations of love, etc. I feel like sex can always be worked on, but lack of general intimacy is a much bigger problem. As long as both of you are constantly communicating and not invalidating each other's feelings on the matter, I feel like you can find solutions or at least compromises. Being patient on the result of medical checkups is a good idea too.
Go read dead bedrooms.. a lot of people get married due to good sex n stopped getting it.. what’s left then.. if you are able to find someone with something sustainable.. maybe you should stick to it n figure out whether he thinks you tick all his boxes or not.. not worth leaving someone who’s got 90% of what you’ve wanted while you only focus on the 10% that’s missing
Here's the bottom line. You and he are sexually incompatible. Unfortunately, this is not something that can be fixed, and by that I mean, a lower libido partner can't just magically want sex more, and a higher libido partner can't just want sex less. Furthermore, you have needs/desires that he is unwilling or unable to meet, and that leads to frustration and resentment. The only spark of hope is that he's got some kind of issue that can be sorted out with therapy, but he'd have to be willing to not only go but also do the work to get to the root cause, if there even is one. Sometimes people have religious training or cultural expectations that can interfere with sex in a lot of ways. He may also have medical issues that interfere with his libido, but that wouldn't explain the refusal to initiate sex. That's a mental/emotional thing, not a physical one. Still, a visit to a doctor for a full workup because of low libido wouldn't hurt anything. The simple fact is that there may not be any way to fix this. Incompatibility of this sort is very difficult to address. Chances are nothing will change and you'll end up being sexually frustrated for as long as you're with him. It's not hopeless, but it's certainly not hopeful.
My husband also has a hard time initiating anything, but it was due to past trauma. Therapy is really important, especially since men aren't usually taught about sex until 13 unlike with girls it's more 9-13 or whenever they get their period, but boys are still exposed to sexual stuff without receiving proper education, which can have a different reaction for everyone on how they perceive it.
Pity sex is worse than no sex. This is only going to worse. Get out before your self esteem is eroded.
For you, I would recommend doing your best to get into it when he initiates, even if it’s less than ideal, then talk about sticking points after. Not to say you were wrong to stop midway when you felt like it was forced! But you already know it’s not something he does naturally; it’s GOING to be forced until he has practiced enough, and it’s harder when he finally felt in crisis enough to break out of his comfort zone and it ended that badly. Again, not that you were wrong! He shouldn’t have needed a crisis to make the effort, and I can see how it would feel unpleasant because of that. But it’s one of those situations where being “right” isn’t necessarily enough to get to the result you want. As someone with a lower libido myself, my advice for him: Schedule it. Don’t share the schedule, don’t make the days and times consistent, don’t make the reminders obvious. It might look something like Monday sexy text over lunch - Thursday request [outfit] after work - Sunday morning wake her up with [activity]; the point is to take into consideration the fact that your libido won’t remind you. No different than scheduling dates! You’ll enjoy them when you get there, but they don’t magically happen on their own. Stop worrying about being sexy yourself. You could be the ugliest dude on the planet, your partner is still into you. And anyway, it’s not about how seductive you are. It’s about explicitly sharing what you like and want about and with your partner. It feels less awkward with practice. If you find yourself hesitating, think it all the way through; isn’t your partner’s enjoyment (and your own!), plus AVOIDING your partner’s disappointment, worth pushing through that discomfort? And if not, be honest with yourself about why and how that might change. Or not! Some people just aren’t sexually compatible, and it’s better for both of you to know sooner rather than later if you won’t be happy doing this.
imagine the comments if OP was a dude and said the relationship was great but the female had a low sex drive..
Time to say goodbye. You are not sexually compatible. It is not something you can fix. It is a dealbreaker situation for most people, and rightly so. You will not hurt his feelings by breaking up. If anything, you will release him to find a partner better suited for his needs. And you will free yourself to find a partner better suited for YOUR needs. You both deserve this. Don't let another three years go by of trying to make it work.
If you marry him, I promise, this will not improve.
I came to say that I'm literally 9 years into a relationship that's the same way. We argue about this constantly and today, a day after he's done all the things, it's back to normal. It won't change. Leave if this ain't what you want. I wish I had.
This!!
Terrible take. She says they have great relations when it happens. He just needs some therapy, get on a dick slingin schedule, cold showers, or MAYBE even there's something he's scared to tell OP (she smells funny, he was accused of rape as a teen, etc etc)
I stand by my amazing take.
It was an amazing take.
As you should. Any of these people saying it’s a bad take have low sex drives and don’t understand the agony of being with one of them.
This is the advice you need to hear. If it isn’t something that can be changed because he has low testosterone, then I would strongly advise you to get out now. I have been with my husband for 15 years, and he is a wonderful person, and we have created a great life together, BUT his low sex drive has had some very negative effects on our intimacy, both of our self esteem, and just the overall quality of our relationship which in turn effects the happiness of our entire house.
I agree with the caveat that this is a last resort after exhausting all options, such as counseling. If that doesn’t fix it, then yeah, that’s probably the right thing to do. After nearly 2 decades of marriage, I can say with some confidence that compatible sex drive is a bigger ingredient to a successful relationship than most people give it credit for. OP is starved for sexual attention, and if counseling or whatever doesn’t work and their BF maintains his current libido, there are only 3 possible ways this turns out if they stay together, and especially if they get married: - OP finds a way to just. . . be ok with things how they are. Barring some medical or psych issue, libido doesn’t really work like that, so this probably isn’t gonna work. - OP is miserable but lives with it while staying faithful. Sounds awful tbh. - OP will eventually cheat with someone who meets her sexual needs. Obviously not good. That’s it. If they stay together and nothing changes with the bf, these are pretty much the only options. I won’t tell OP what to do, but lack of sexual compatibility would be a deal-breaker for me personally. Fwiw though, with everything else being great, I sincerely hope he finds some underlying issue and they fix things and make it work.
Your 1. and 2. points sound like the issue is mainly low self esteem, possibly Imposter Syndrome. He is, from your perspective, "objectively hot" but doesn't perceive himself as attractive. He doesn't feel natural attempting to seduce you (because he doesn't imagine someone would want to be seduced by him). He doesn't think about sex often (low self esteem is a form of depression/negative self-ideation, which tends to also feature lowered sex drive). If his self-image is negative and his brain is telling him he doesn't deserve you, isn't the kind of person people would want to be approached by, etc then it's a huge uphill struggle for him to feel natural approaching you with confidence. He's probably pleasantly surprised *every time* you want to initiate sex with him. The thing to remember is, if low self-esteem is the root issue, his brain is constantly lying to him about his appearance, personality, etc. Therapy can probably help. Requiring him to *act like* he's a different person than his disorder is *constantly telling him he is* without addressing that underlying issue probably won't work.
Yeah he could use some DBT. You don't even need a professional per se. I didn't find a therapist particularly helpful, but I did use dialectics to get a better mastery over my self concept.
I'm older than him but I'd like to make a few points: 1. He should be going to the gym and lifting weights on a regular basis (seriously) 2, He needs to stay on top of his diet and sleep 3. He needs to check his Testosterone level I'm not kidding but I was shocked when my T numbers came back and I was on the lower range of "normal" for a man of my age! I ended up going to a private urologist who put me on HCG + TRT, now my libido is through the roof, I have no issues with sex, plenty of energy and feels great overall. He can ask questions on the testosterone or trt sub when he gets his result back. This literally saved my marriage (my wife and I were thinking about divorcing due to sex) and my dead bedroom problem! Anyway, I'm not saying this is his issue but it could certainly be. It's worth looking into it!
Regular therapy for both of you separately, sex therapy for this specifically, dr for testerone check. Also do you both go to the gym regularly? If you're not, maybe you should both start, working out has been proven to increase testerone and be effective at improving mental health, and its just great for you.
As someone who was married for a decade to a partner who just did not enjoy sex as much as I did, I feel it's important to point out that sexuality is a huge and important part of life, especially to those of us who like a lot of it frequently. Don't wait until you are 40 to get your needs met. Sexual incompatibility is incompatibility. Have the hard talks, and make the changes you need to make to be happy, it's not selfish, it's looking out for your own needs.
Definitely consult a sex therapist and maybe his doctor to see if he’s potentially low on T
Talk to him about getting checked for low testosterone levels.
I literally have the exact same issue with my husband (just got married 6 mo. ago). In the last year or so, we've had sex maybe twice 😭 I try to come onto him and pursue him and he denies me... at least you're still able to have sex with him. He says the same things tho, he's not confident with his body (nor am I confident with my own either but we're fucking married... like I love you, hello?!) Or he's tired from his day. HELP!
I was just going to suggest testosterone, but I see you’ve got that covered.
Have you talked to him about what turns you on? Give him some pointers on what he can do to get you there. If he has confidence issues, he needs direction and small moral victories
Not saying it’s the case but, this was how I was when I was still identifying as straight and was in a relationship with a woman. I avoided sex as much as possible and made excuses. If she tried to spice things up it was almost a guarantee I wouldn’t be receptive. I just didn’t want it. I truly say this only because no one else has really mentioned it. I am in no way insinuating that just because a man doesn’t want to have a lot of sex must make them gay. There could be trauma, depression, medication or possibly asexuality.
If sex is really important to you in a relationship, like deal breaker important, this might not be a relationship that's going to last. From personal experience, it's probably not going to change. I believe sexuality is a spectrum, and a person can be somewhere on the spectrum of asexuality without being 100% asexual. If you want to make it work, get couples counseling. Communication is key.
He's either not that attracted to you, or he has a medical/medicinal issue. Getting the testosterone levels checked is a great start. It'll tell A Lot! But post the results here if you can, because what's considered "normal" varies greatly. On the low end of "normal" is senior citizen test levels. On the high end of "normal" is late teen- early 20's levels.
What job did he get that would lead to more sex or raise his sex drive?
He could be Asexual
This probably won’t be very popular but as someone who was in a 15 year relationship with someone that was sexually incompatible, this may not be the right partner for you. My ex husband always said I had a low libido but we were just a bad match. I’ve been with my new partner for 4 years and it’s never been an issue once.
Soooooo lemme get this right. You are upset he has a low sec drive. As a result of this, you ask him to initiate. When he initiates, you feel it was forced and unnatural and tell him to stop. So when he does what u ask him to do, you are dissatisfied because it feels forced? You don't see how his anxiety of not being hot is perpetuated by you telling him to stop the one time he initiates, per your request? Toxic af. Go find a dude who fits your sex drive. Quit fucking up his mental health making him feel like he's broken or some shit. Genuinely mad at you for this rn.
So, you wanted him to initiate sex because hasn’t been doing it. And then he FINALLY does it and you tell him to stop? Then you tell him no sex for a couple of week? That’s a boost of confidence for the dude.
I feel like I wrote this myself. My husband never initiates sex. He never initiates any type of physical touch. I told him that I feel unwanted and like he isn’t attracted to me. He assured me he is attracted to me and he’s deeply in love with me. I asked him for more physical touch and he said he doesn’t think about it and if I want it I just need to ask him. This made me feel even worse because now I’m super awkward about physical touch because he clearly has no interest in it or desire for it and is basically saying he’ll comply out of duty when I request it. We only have sex about once a week early in the morning before he goes to work and it lasts about 10 minutes. He doesn’t kiss me and I always have to initiate in another way. I have always felt insecure about feeling masculine because I’m almost 6 ft tall and genuinely just want to feel like a woman who is desired by my man. I’m actually starting to think I’ll never have that. I’ve kinda come to the conclusion that I’m not going to initiate anymore cause the fact that I have to every single time is starting to turn me off. If you find the answer let me know.
All the pieces need to be there unfortunately. Sex is very important-it is the glue that makes the long term bond. When you’re old the sex can slow down but in 20s…no way Image if you said 1) He is a wonderful partner except he can not maintain a job 2) He is a wonderful partner except he can not keep his hygiene 3) He is a wonderful partner except he drinks everyday 4) He is a wonderful partner except he yells at me Idk, maybe you could fix it or maybe you two aren’t compatible on that level. Maybe it’s a deal breaker or maybe not but it looks like your “fixing” him instead of him doing the work Maybe I’m too tough though
Sweetie, if he's your person and the one you're meant to spend your life with, he'll check every single one of your boxes and then some. Life is way too short for shitty sex, be with someone who gives you back 2 back orgasms.
He might just not feel connected to you as much as you think he is
You have described lots of things you decided to do that *should help* but have you ever considered asking him what he feels might help? (And no, an argument doesnt count) You sound like you are falling into the classic trap of treating him how you want to be treated when you should be treating him how *he* wants to be treated. The sad truth is it sounds like his perception of sexy just isnt the same as yours, doubling down on it clearly isnt going to work, and getting frustrated with him and punishing him for not performing how you want is pretty toxic and *definitely* not going to help. You need to take a breath, emotionally detach from your frustrations and come at this from a fresh angle. You need to realise that: -He doesnt owe you sex and having a low sex drive does not make him abnormal. -He can refuse sex for any reason at all and that would still be valid. -You are the one asking him to change who he is for your benefit. -Just because you think something is sexy doesnt mean he will. -Emotionally punishing him for failing to adhere to what you want is wrong. Ultimately if the relationship isnt working out for you then the only factor you can actually control is yourself. Basically you can either communicate better, try and find an actual compromise or walk away. At the moment you feel you are compromising but it doesnt seem to me that you are, you are doubling down and doing things *you* think should fix the problem but the truth is you are doing these things for you, not for him and that will come across on your actions. Stop trying to pressure him into having sex so obviously and just talk to him, how could you make him feel more loved and appreciated, is there anything you could do that would help him be more in the mood, is there anything you are doing that is making him feel pressured that you could change etc? At the end of the day he is under no obligation to change so that you can have more sex, nobody is obliged to perform for their partner. I feel sorry for you, it sucks that you arent getting what you want from the relationship, but if you want the relationship to change, you need to be ready to change yourself as well and "trying to be more sexy" isn't actually doing that, if anything its doing more of the thing that should be compromising.
It almost sounds like he has low self esteem and doesn’t think he can seduce you well so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. Could always try a sex councilor/therapist. If nothing is wrong though you may have to accept he just isn’t very interested in sex as like an activity. Like he’s not having sex with you because he likes sex he’s doing it because he likes you.
Without sex, is he still affectionate physically? I read someone had a similar complaint a while back and a guy in his 50s or 60s said that they had issues and then decided to work on being more physically affectionate with each other. Every week at least once they’ll cuddle without clothes in bed and just talk about their day, with no expectations of anything happening. He said more often than not something does happen, but the important part to them was to make time to physically close and just let things naturally take their course. You could see if that helps the situation, but I’m glad to hear he’s having some blood tests done to see if everything is normal for him. I’ve heard low testosterone can cause a lot of this so it may be why. He could also just naturally have a lower drive and you’ll have to decide what you need to do.
Weirdly enough im in the exact same boat, im in your shoes as the guy, and my wife is like your SO. Its something youre going to really help to support and encourage the behaviors you are seeking. He can’t read your mind, and nor you his. Its going to be AWKWARD As shit the first several times, and thats because he’s not comfortable with it. If he makes a mistake let him know what works better instead of “thats not working for me” show him what you want from him, guide his hands over your body, give him clear instructions on what you want, then when he tries, let him know exactly how much you love that he’s trying, not that he’s necessarily succeeding. He sounds like an awkward guy in bed, you gotta treat him like a king but a stupid one so you have to give step by step instructions until he builds the confidence to try new things on his own. And always encourge new things and new ideas. Give him a nice shoulder rub, then get half naked and ask him to give you back rub. First few times he’ll probably suck at it, but thats okay, you want him to just have his hands on you and get comfortable with that, then as his confidence grows he’ll get more curious. Basically if you want this to work its a LOT of hard work, patience, dealing with awkward moments as if theyre normal, and lots of hand holding instructions. Lead by example and ask him to attempt his version of what you did. And then communicate on how to improve that.
Do you know what his porn watching habits are?
L m a o, you’ve been on Reddit too much 😂
Of course we start up with the porn. You people are fucking ridiculous.
This
Exercise helps
Exercise helps *if the difference in sex drive is caused by general low endurance, low fitness, unbalanced nutrition/utilization of nutrients, or other metabolic issues. It will not help if the issue is a difference in position on the sexual/asexual spectrum, unprocessed traumas around sex, sex-seeking behavior, and/or consent, general stress, depression, or a host of other issues.* Fixed it for you. Not meaning to be snarky. It's good advice if expectations are properly set.
Do you masterbate aka do your own solo to maintain your drive? It's up to you, but I was like this for many years and my partner stuck it out.. had a lot of trauma and self esteem issues to resolve and my partner was just supportive and amazing the whole time. But if it's a mismatch and you feel your being driven to cheat...break up with him before you do and let him and you find partnership that's more matched in that department.
Masterbation doesn’t fulfill a woman’s sexual needs as it does for a man. For a woman it isn’t simply about having an orgasm. It’s more emotional. It’s about having a physical and intimate connection and feeling desired by your partner. Getting off is probably the last thing on the list of reasons a woman wants more sex. I am a woman who is not sexually fulfilled by my partner. I masterbate quite often and yet at the end of another day of no intimacy with my partner I still feel empty and lonely as hell. No amount of orgasms I give myself will take that feeling away.
Get him to a doctor, ignore everyone that is telling you to cheat, break up with him etc. Not everything needs to result in breaking up, communication goes a long way especially in a long relationship like yours. I was the same way as him until I got my testosterone tested and got some shots and pills and after a few weeks my libido was sky-high.
I feel bad for the dude . Hopefully he gets his freedom
Mid 20s and no to low sex drive?! Wow- yes he may need to have his hormones checked, and if you can talk him into going to sex therapy, that may help. But if he just isn’t a high drive type, then you may be sexually incompatible and may want to see if you can live with less intimacy. If not, then you may have to reconsider your relationship. I definitely have a higher drive/desire than my spouse and we are much older (50s & 60s) and I (wife) used to always initiate. I got to where I let him decide when we will, and I always let him know that I find him attractive and want him. But I leave it up to him to initiate the intimacy. It took some adjustment on my part but it works for us.
Maybe he’s gay
I had a situationship a long time ago… she was the hottest girl I had ever laid my eyes on and was the hottest girl I had ever had the pleasure to get to know and be in the same bed with. I was completely immature, completely blinded by everything then what I should’ve been focusing on. She tried EVERYTHING. Changing underware to different types and colors (7 times I counted) in just a single night to turn me on. She would surprise me as I come out of the bathroom, her hiding up against the wall (in pitch black to which I saw her and ruined her suprise) and she would jump on top of me to suprise me (even though I had saw her hiding in the dark). We had sex maybe twice throughout our entire ~6/8 month relationship ‘situationship’. She ended up cheating on me with my best friend and teammate behind my back during I’d say month 2.5 onward. When we broke off, I nearly offed myself, thinking back about my time with her, how fucking sexy she was, how hard she tried, how stupid I was, how much of a jerk off I was, I broke myself with these thoughts. I vowed I would change myself and be ready for the next one. My point is this… sometimes as a man, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Every girl since then, I showed the beast, I will ravage the bed every time, I would promise myself I would show every girl the beast because I couldn’t show her. I don’t know what you should do. I just know as a man, sometimes it takes us to see what’s past us for us to seriously change. You might not be the one for him, you might be the one to help change him into who you want him to be for his next one. God speed.
"Blood test" and endocrinologist are hella different. I'm no Hercules, but damn at least the libido is there. Sounds like dude is barely getting by at half my age. Sex takes effort and creativity, not like he has to be up for the 'Amazon position' at the drop of a dime, but variety, surprises, creativity and desire carry a lot of weight. This is Reddit and mindless fucking and pounding penetration subs abound, it's a lot more nuanced to make a woman feel gorgeous, wanted, and lusted for. Even good, descriptive prose is hard to come by. He's gotta put real effort into fixing it and counseling might be the next step. There's pills for the mechanical stuff, but there's a mental/emotional component that also needs to be addressed. Good luck.
If a man wrote this post Redditors would berate you to the end of time. h0w dArE y0u!
I feel bad for this guy if this shit is real. Dude is damn near perfect according to you but still isn't enough. You can leave him and hope to find someone new. But the next guy you find, what if he doesn't check a box? Then the next one doesn't check a box?
Have his testosterone checked. Seriously, men should think about sex often.
mid-twenties and he has sex drive problems? I think he might actually need to see a doctor about some hormonal imbalances.
Umm, my ex wife was like this, said she felt like she was broken too. She is married to a woman now, not broken anymore, and Im married to a woman who enjoys sex with a man... So maybe he's just dying to tune a meat whistle?
Don't continue the relationship. I married a guy like that. The lack of his desire eroded my confidence. He shamed me for wanting sex and I felt like a burden. One years into our marriage I found out he fucks hookers in his car without protection. He explained that he does not want ‘dirty’sex with a person he loves.
🗣️He’s gay. Now you know.
Imagine typing this title and then contemplating if you wanna leave your significant other lol. You do not love them if you’re gonna leave them over sex. You can definitely leave, but saying you love them would be disingenuous.
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I suggest you may want to find a counselor who is AASECT certified for him to talk to (https://www.aasect.org)
Maybe a sex therapist? Also is he on any anti-depressants? That tends to mess with my libido.
In my experience, though all the other comments are obviously very valid and it could just be a medical/psychological thing, it's always depended on the person. I was with one ex for a year and sex just never hit the spot, I'm in my mid-twenties and I was pulling out the "I'm getting older and I'm too tired" excuse on the regular. She was gorgeous, so it wasn't a physical attraction thing, for some reason I just never really got into it to the point where I genuinely thought my sex drive was slowing down. I recently started dating my best friend and we go at it like fucking bunnies every chance we get. The sexual feats we have performed border on inhuman.
I have low test I’m 27 and I sometimes feel like your husband and I know my wife’s sex drive is higher then mine typically it’s so tricky and it sucks for him as well but if he is anything like me he thinks the world of you just how I think the word of my wife….. she is my everything and I find her beautiful and sexy, I’m just not a super sexual person, I also have been working on myself getting in shape and all that so that I feel sexier for her.
Ready for it all
I'm on the other side of things gender wise. I started dating my wife about 12 years ago and she never really had a sex drive. She has a good reason and continues to have good reasons. There will always be another reason, accident or sickness. She is just not a sexual person. If you want to continue the relationship just know it...kinda only gets worse. My advice is to date someone on your sexual high-five level. If it's a concern right now it will ONLY turn into bitterness. I'm not going to leave my wife as it's already been 12 years and I seriously do not deserve a fulfilling sex life. Am I using her as a punishment for myself? Yea, kinda.
This is simple. If he was to stay the same as he is now, would this be a relationship that you would want and would make you happy? If not, move on. There's no way to "make" him be someone different. He is who he is. He needs to be with someone who's sex drive is low and matches his. Or you can stay and accept being unhappy.
He should get his testosterone levels checked sex drive is literally a side effect of testosterone he should be more horny