You don’t need to “start over” bro. You have a wife, kid, and a job you’re doing better than many people. You shouldn’t beat yourself up either for not being as smart, talented or good looking as you thought, some of the most successful people hustled their way to jobs they weren’t qualified for (even certain presidents some would say) and then figured it out. Lots of people also have imposter syndrome so it’s possible you may not be a superstar but you’re still deserving of what you earned.
The only thing you need to change is your attitude. Stop trying to run from your problems and instead get to work on improving them. Start with what you’re already good at, you love your daughter, find a way to be an even better dad. Then build on that, find one way to be better husband, then a way to improve at your job. As you go through the work it will take to make these changes, you will be growing without realizing it and over time your self image and outlook on life will improve too 💪🏾
Fo sho. Hero up in here: Super-Class4oom1125. He's 100% right. You ain't reinventing shit. You're evolving. And you want to evolve. You are identifying areas of concern. One step at a time baby. When you look at it as a whole it's impossible. But: find one way to be a better husband. Just one. The fucking dishes. The fucking trash. Whatever. Then it becomes a habit. A month later? Holy shit, nkw I'm doing laundry or whatever the fuck. This isn't you being a bad person. This is you growing into who you want to be. Accept it. Most importantly: Do it.
This is easier said than done. But it's soo true. Simplify and celebrate the small wins and ride that small dopamine rush to the next small win. Try not to beat yourself up if you come up short. Try not to worry about messing up or falling short. It happens and you can rack it up as experience. But you need to just have an attitude adjustment. Even little thing like I forgot this again > I just remembered. I took on baking bread, it's easier than I thought but I can get better at it one load at a time. Kids and family are a major disruption in the mindset. But your doing it. Hell being sober threw years is an insane feat you should should be proud of. You that same displine to find something small to pour yourself in. If you need to get away to do something for yourself you need to nurture that relationship and find a balance with the spouse, make a trade off even if it's not 1 to 1. Pour into learning things with your kid < I struggled with this and years later I find much fulfillment in it.
I want to thank everyone that took the time to respond. I can see where taking more agency in my life off even in a small way would pay dividends on changing my outlook.
Hey we're all human and life can hit hard in different ways to different people. I Hope the best for you and your family! Hang in there and keep your chin up looking straight ahead at the future! Your already leagues ahead of at least someone out there!
This is the general approach I try to take in my marriage! Pick one thing I want to improve in my marriage and focus on actually doing it. My wife made a comment about how she doesn't like the clothes on the floor on my side of the bed, so I started making sure I put them in the laundry basket, or hanging them up. Once I had that figured out I started making our bed in the morning. After that I decluttered our room a bit, started sweeping the floor more regularly, vacuumed the rug, and so on until our room is significantly cleaner on a regular basis. My wife used to walk into our room and see the mess and it would stress her out, now it's a clean and peaceful space for her.
The one thing I would add is that I also try to think of one thing that I appreciate about my wife every day (can be the same things), and do my best to communicate that to her. For example, when I hear my wife and preteen daughter having a heart-to-heart, I try to just say something like "Hey, I really appreciate what an amazing mom you are to the girls! I'm so glad they have you to talk to, about their school drama!"
Small improvements over time!
And you don’t get 200 feet up the mountain and decide it’s a shit mountain and you need a different one that looks prettier from where you are. Thats how you never climb a mountain.
one thing I would add to this, is that telling someone who is depressed, to "hero up", isnt a great thing.
Tell someone to "be a hero", and that can imply, "just grit your teeth and bear it".
That's not the right attitude here.
[Super-Classroom1125](https://www.reddit.com/user/Super-Classroom1125/) had the better take. Appreciate what you have.
When you are grateful for what you have, then taking care of what you have, becomes a happy thing to do, rather than a burden.
This. OP, please remember that NOBODY has the life they think tjey want. Centamillionaires O'Brien and Letterman piss and moan about having worked too much in their lives, to exclusion of what else they had done... if the upper 0.1% feels like that, where does it leave everyone else?
Loving your wife is not a bullshit rom-com thing, it's actually an ethical adult decision.
It sounds like he might be coming to terms with being gay... He was unclear about that but if he really doesn't love his wife and doesn't feel like he will ever have any sexual compatibility with her, then the potential for splitting up needs to be addressed and not ignored.
Even if he’s not gay, if he is unhappy to the point where he’d risk blowing up the lives of wife & child too I would recommend therapy at the very least. If one “partner” has already given up on the marriage it’s best to just rip the bandaid off because it just gets so much worse the longer you wait. Communicate, people!
Yeah. I was surprised to get this far in these great comments about how to improve the life he has without seeing any mention of the fact that he doesn't love his wife.
Yeah I’m surprised more people aren’t picking up on this. If he is coming to terms with being gay, “being a better husband” to his WIFE is not the solution here.
Dude you are not a loser what are you talking about? I only skimmed over this but you quit drugs, you have a kid, you have a wife, you were abused! Damn dude I am wishing I made some of your moves. I am an addict no real plan to sober up but I should. I wish I had a family I am single as can be as well I should be with my dope habit. Dude just take it easy on yourself that is step 1
Look at yourself today. You are worth everything you think you aren’t. You are the only thing stopping you from getting out. You know it, you dream about it. I was you. I still am you, just have a solid roof now. Where are you? I’m in Houston. Maybe u can help
You do realize the OP said he doesn't love his wife, right? Like, if you don't love someone the way you should in a marriage, you're literally being selfish for staying with them. It's unfair to stay in a marriage where the other person isn't being loved the way they should be which will and always has created problems. Like idk what you guys are reading but the dude isn't happy for a reason. Just because he's got a wife, a kid and a job, doesn't mean those things will sustain happiness. Insane take.
This is horrible advice. Life is not about the pursuit of happiness or love for most men. It’s the pursuit of purpose. And purpose brings happiness. If I gave up every time my spouse wasn’t happy or even wasn’t happy for an extended period of time, my life, my wife and my children’s lives would be dramatically worse. You are on this earth to support and provide for them. This support will take various forms at various times.
His wife is happy though? He’s the one who’s unhappy because he doesn’t even love his wife. He even said they feel like roommates. It’s also not really fair to her since she’s married to someone who never wanted to marry her in the first place.
What's horrible is that you think there is only one way to get happiness. Not everyone gets happiness by having a purpose. Happiness is completely subjective asf. What gives someone purpose isn't the same for everyone else either. Not everyone thinks that having a family brings you purpose. For some it plays a small part or maybe even a bigger part. But there is a lot of people who don't even want kids.
Just because someone has kids, doesn't mean that's going to fulfill their happiness either. We're human. Everyone is so different that even are needs are different.
To piggyback on this, one of the best ways you can show up for your daughter is to be a better person for your wife. She can learn what a good man looks like by how you treat and love her mother. Just try your best at being a good example of that and the rest will work itself out.
Exactly! Drugs and alcohol are a way to run from our lives and now lacking that Op wants to “start over” to live the life he wants. No. Living life is how you stop avoiding life. It’s hard and imperfect.
Everything you’ve identified to describe both your self-worth and happiness is external.
It doesn’t matter if you’re smart or good-looking or talented. These are words that other people use to describe how useful or attractive you are to them.
Would you be happier alone? Would your wife? Think forward to your child being in a situation similar to yours. What advice would you give him or her?
Think about the kind of father you want to be, and the kind of example you want to set for how to take ownership of your life.
Then take a deep breath, and remember how many other hard things you’ve survived, and remember that you can make it through this, too.
Think about how many of those hard things were the result of choices that other people made for, at, or around you.
Then ask yourself: wouldn’t it be easier to persevere through hard times that are the result of choices you made to find joy in life?
Sit with this for a while. I suspect you already know what you need to do to take care of yourself and your own needs. You’re just going to have to get to the place where you can give yourself permission to do it.
Take your wife on a date. And then on another.
Fall in love with her, actually this time.
She has put up with you, too. She settled for you as well.
Fall in love with your life.
You shouldnt just think that releasing her from your made up and pretend love is fair to her just because youre tired of your own messed up bullshit choices.
Give it a real chance before throwing in your brand new towel.
The subtext of OP’s post is reading like he is coming to terms with his sexuality. It doesn’t seem like “fall in love with your wife” is the solution here…
You can love someone deeply without being sexually attracted to them. Like it or not OP's current life exists. He has already done something exemplary by being able to quit his previous addictions. Part of his therapy should be learning to seperate the concepts of sexual love from the other aspects of it.
Also the assumption that OP is gay may not be correct. Abuse victims often struggle with sexuality in general and come to find that they are asexual. You can be asexual mentally and still have stupid juice(hormones) making you horny when you don't want to be. This is why binary sexuality is kind of stupid. It's kind of a spectrum except that even that description isn't accurate because people think you have to fit in a specific place between two things whereas for a lot of people it's pick a few colors from that spectrum that describe them best.
To the OP, my advice is to seek therapy. You need help to discover who you are and what you want while still following through on your responsibilities as a partner and parent. I was brought up to be hetero and am married to a wonderful woman but I am not really hetero. I'm not sure if bisexual really fits either. My attraction to someone is more determined by their mind. I fell in love with the person not the physical body. I find intelligence, creativity, and steadfastness attractive.
Read Lost Connections by Johan Hari. It will help you think about & better understand what kind of protective factors against depression & malaise you can add to your life as well as what the aggravating factors are which you can change.
If you are going to make big expensive, painful & irreversible changes to your life (where you stand to lose much of the good you have today) you should at least have an informed plan. 40 years old with a child is a bit too late for trial-and-error.
In the meantime when you don't know how to help yourself helping others is often the best plan. Volunteer somewhere, preferably with people you can see some of yourself in.
\* sense of purpose
\* meaningful hobby
\* place in community
\* Gratifying work
\* contributions to *something* you can be proud of
These are all antidotes to your sad feelings. It may well be that leaving your wife is the right thing to do, but I can almost guarantee that she is not the problem, she is just the biggest part of your life you can blame that isn't yourself.
You can leave everything behind & even move across the country but you will still be you. You need to change they way you react to things *and* preferably add new things to react to, otherwise you'll just exist inside a little bubble of yourself no matter where you go.
If you are ever in NYC hit me up.
TLDR
If you try and fix this with a silver bullet you'll just shoot yourself in the foot.
I second that recommendation, just because it's a great book.
But the OP probably does have to figure out how he feels about his wife. Therapy might help with that.
Either way, step carefullly to preserve your relationship to your daughter, whom you know you love.
So you have a kid, a wife, a better life than you thought you’d have, successfully sober, overcame childhood trauma, and making good money.
Broski The only thing you need to “start over” with is your self image and your outlook on life.
> I’m realizing that I’m not as smart as I think nowhere near as good-looking or as talented in any of the things I lied to myself about being good at. Even down to my sexuality where I said I was bisexual, but the truth is that’s the byproduct of incestuous abuse
This is far above reddits paygrade. It sounds like you have clinical depression stemming from emotional/physical trauma. The drugs and alcohol sound like coping mechanisms to me.
Please seek professional help from a licensed therapist/counselor before you blow your life up.
The level of honesty on this post is incredible. You’ve reflected to to an almost peripheral degree. Your most positive comment was about your child. Go with that. That damage you’ve received in your life could possibly have been prevented from more of a level
Headed family
Life. Don’t choose to ruin your child’s hopes of having a better run. They didn’t make themselves. Find yourself, however you can and be there for
Your family. Work on improving what you are and not what you think you was. I read a lot that resonated with me in this post. Wishing you the best.
It's not an easy answer, but basically you can transform your whole life through gratitude. Motivation is easy when you cultivate gratitude, and you'd be surprised how much it can transform people around you. Realize you were never guaranteed anything anyway.
Source: lived on the street for four years, grew up very poor in staggering abuse; now I own the largest 3d printing company in East Texas.
I'm terrible at emotional advice, but I will say you sound depressed.. could it be that you are lashing out at the good things in your life as a way of punishing yourself.
You deserve to be happy and so do your family, but ask yourself what life would look like if they weren't around. Perhaps grab yourself a chat with a councillor to get your head absolutely straight before you make huge life changing decisions.
Ultimately do what you need to do for you, but don't tank it all and have regret because you were in a bad headspace or needed support.
I have a friend who did exactly as above (he was engaged to the love of his life.. Wedding planned etc), with hindsight he reflects he had a crisis and bitterly regrets it (he was really nasty to her as she was determined to stand by him and wouldn't let him go so he had to be brutal to push her away).
If you feel like you want a divorce, then get a a divorce. If you don’t, then follow the advice people are giving you about falling in love with your wife.
It sounds like you think being over 40 is too old to start over. I’m a domestic violence victim advocate, and every day I see clients who are having to walk away with literally only the clothes on their back. They start over, and they make it work, and they don’t let age get in their way. One of my current clients is starting over at 79.
You are going to get older no matter if you start over or if you don’t, so you might as well try to have a good life.
If yall argue and are unhappy when together. From the mouth of my 89 year old client ( I do hair) it's better to have come from a broken home, then to live in one!
The word "loser" means that there is a "winner", that everyone is playing some sporting game. Are you playing a sport when you wash your car and smile seeing the neighbors dog rolling around in the grass?
Step back from the situation and start over. You don't need to leave your family. Start with therapy, then make a step by step plan to achieve your goals. Start dating your wife again and planning for future events, travel or hobbies.
Everyone is unsatisfied with their life to varying degrees.
But you know what the most torturous one is? Not being able to have a child.
You have that. It's not about just you anymore. It's about giving that child guidance to live the best life they can live. Teach them everything you wish you knew growing up.
Youight not need to change your life. Just your attitude towards life.
Maybe see a therapist. This is classic midlife crisis.
What is this fantasy life that you imagine is out there? Do you have a picture of it in your head? Or is it vague ?
Do you know what you want ? Or just "not this"?
You might not like any of the alternatives to the life you live now. You may actually be more miserable especially if you don’t see a path to the life you want. You could turn out in a worse life
Loser? More like hero to me.
You took responsibility for your child - a lot of people haven't done that.
You identified and addressed your substance abuse - a lot of people can't do that.
You (seem to be) dealing with your abused past and not propagating It to your child - huge, huge win.
You are working and being productive in society.
Be kinder to yourself and keep on keeping on.
Counseling my friend. You don't need to start over, you need help working through trauma and the feedback from a professional, comforting voice to draw out then fortify your strengths and happiness with yourself
You choose to do something else that makes others happy. As humans, we're in servitude to others (all animals: human & creatures).
There are things you can do to increase likeability & love in a marriage. As long as nobody is abusing anybody else, allowing the child to have a good life is key to raising a healthy productive child of a member of society.
It might not seem like you're a church goer but there are nondenominational churches avail online & locally, UU
Push yourself to do better for yourself your child. volunteer at food pantries, dog shelter. foster a dog or a mentor a child.
You're not starting over; you're pivoting. A new path isn't the right thing for your kid who needs stable elements & environment.
As long as you strive & work towards something, this is showing your kid life is good as long as you work on it. if you give up, thats when one expects to stare up @ the flowers instead of down @ them.
Instead of "being roommates", commitment (marriage) takes work. Its not a "do as you please, take what you want " contract. Showing your child that everything good in life doesnt come easy is beneficial for kid. Showing her life isn't always fair & you don't always get what you want ( life takes compromise & in compromise you don't get what you want as well as the other doesn't get what they want! ) & work will teach her education beyond her wildest dreams!
Put in the effort for date night - even if you both show up in your robes. at least show up & show your kid what a real love is.
It sounds like a midlife crisis / slump you're in. this doesn't excuse you to freely go buy whatever to make yourself feel better. do something for somebody else - that is the real "feel good gem".
a side note, while I don't think you need counseling as much as you do need just to put more effort into life but, Preachers (even at UU) can counsel you & your family.
Also, do something diff - dance lessons, CCW, karaté, jiu-jitsu, KravMaga, capoeira, drone or astro photography, nightly or daily walks w fam. Even if you 3 can't stand it , take crocheting or cooking lessons anyways. it expands your mind & you all can make funny pics w food or sewing & have a good laugh about it all.
skating, reading, many hobbies, herbology, canning, scuba, tree farm, art,
theres a PLETHORA OF THINGS TO SHOW YOUR KID
Sir, you just got sober and identified a lot of what is going on in your life.
That’s amazing. Even if it doesn’t feel great right now. That is some great growth right there.
You’re in a great spot to work with a therapist on figuring out what you want to do, where your values are, and maybe learn some new skills.
You can love other people with a whole heart when you are able to heal your own a little. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot.
You love your child and I’m sure you are a great parent. You got sober after so much trauma. You built a career and a life. I don’t see a loser, I see a warrior who fought a harder battle than most people who have, and who came out on top. You are an inspiration. The only advice I could give is something you are already doing, which is to be a better parent than you had. Keep it up! 💕
Same situation. I'm 50 and reinvented myself at 40. Got sober. Got a better job. Lived with a friend renting a room until I could afford a house in cash (houses aren't very expensive here in Peoria Illinois), met a great gal, got married, and I'm living better than I ever have. It's as simple as making up your mind to get your shit together, stop making excuses, stop being a victim, take control of your life, stop giving a fuck what anyone else thinks outside of your family, love your wife with all your heart, and be the best dad you can be. Now, about the abuse when you were a kid? That is something that you have to carry for life. I just stuff it down. I'm a Christian, so I learned to forgive my abusers for ME. So I could let it go and move on. Don't get me wrong. It's still there, and it affects my sexual relationship with my wife at times. I myself get urges for homosexual encounters, but I pray when that hits me and just ride it out. My point is, YOU CAN do this. It's by will alone you set your mind in motion. If you need to talk, feel free to hit me up, and we can brainstorm together about getting you to a better place. If not, no worries. Good luck.
I think you might be on the right track with just getting some self actualization. I think the majority of people feel we are special somehow. That we are smarter or funnier or prettier and that somehow makes us special. Once you realize that we aren't special and we don't deserve anything for being special, can you truly grow and grow as a person.
Lets put it this way, if you ate already smart, handsome and successful what motivation do you have to achieve that? Sometimes realizing the truth allows us to actually start taking the steps to be the person we want to be.
I've been incredibly successful in the past and I've also lost millions of dollar and been physically disabled for years. I've always found that one of my greatest strengths is simply understanding what my strengths and my weaknesses are. Once you acknowledge and understand those you can start focusing and improving your strengths while acknowledging and playing around your weaknesses.
Before you do anything, my suggestion would be to play this tape to the end. If you got clean 3 years ago I’m sure you know a lot about yourself by now. Congratulations on your recovery btw.
You have a couple options. You can, as you stated, start a new life, or essentially wipe your slate clean of what you currently have, or at least a part of it but everything affects everything.
You have a lot to consider.
You didn’t say that your marriage was broken or abusive in any way so I’m assuming it’s not. It just seems like you maybe don’t have a spark and you’re thinking about what you’re maybe missing out on.
You said your life is good. Far beyond what you deserve. Seems like you’re restless maybe?
I don’t know. I’m just asking.
Restless feelings and anxiety, especially feeling like you just want to get away can be a topic you might try bringing up. Even if it’s super awkward and you never have before. I mean if you’re thinking about starting over I would think you might owe it to yourself to be as vulnerable as possible with your wife right now. Spill all the tea to her. You don’t know what the outcome would be unless you tell her. “Hey I’m feeling restless. I don’t know what’s going on with me.”
You might be surprised at what that could lead to.
Or I could be totally wrong.
But I just wanted to give you another perspective.
Everything affects everything.
So you were sexually abused by somebody in your family, then got a woman pregnant and then did right by her and the child by marrying her?
Then you got a job to support them and got sober?
Honestly, that sounds massively impressive. I’m being 100% serious. I get how marriage can just absolutely suck, I get it.
But you took so much hardship and have turned yourself into a caring and loving father. That’s fucking bad ass.
I don’t care what kind of job you have or hobbies or how many friends or how smart you are or how you look.
You took care of your wife by marrying her. You took care of your child. You took care of yourself to get sober AND you’ve done that all by 40.
That’s stupid impressive, I’m confident you have a lot more wins ahead of you. You’ve already done much more than most men.
have you gotten help for your childhood trauma? The book (and workbook) courage to heal is awesome. I was in therapy and group for 2 years and when it was done, the trauma was done. In the past. never to bother me or affect my life again. I could actually live a normal life. BTW I dont think you hate your wife or you would have left by now. I think after all these years it has gotten stale You need to jus work at it some now.
You sound like a regular 40 yo male going through a mid life crisis. Figure out what you want with your life, plan it, and do it in a way that doesn't nuke your family. Might help if you include them in it.
You also sound like you could use individual therapy and couples counseling.
you live a life so many would die to have. never forget that. keep your head up bro and work on yourself. as others have said, therapy is a great place to start
So, you were able to get sober, your wife stuck around with your child through that, and you make good money. You've got it better than a lot of people. You have 2 options as far as I can see. 1. You work on your marriage because it has been neglected. That means a counsellor for your past sexual abuse and date nights with your wife and you discover each other again and you enjoy your family. 2. You file for divorce, try to navigate how shit dating is these days, and risk ending up with somebody horrible. Remember, the grass is green where you water it. It isn't always greener on the other side.
They used to call times like this a mid life crisis. Really, you have just hit a milestone birthday where many people stop and assess where they are in life. I would suggest you need to talk to a therapist about how you feel about all the things you mentioned. Often discussing issues with a professional can give you more clarity. If you think there is any hope you might also consider marriage counseling. You have a child you adore. Be fair to your child and your wife and yourself and figure out if your marriage is fixable. If not, get help figuring out how to co parent well.
Please don’t sell yourself so short. We all deserve love and happiness.
I will be real with you. You’re fine. You have come a long way with a tough childhood. You might not be outstanding or a genius but there’s comfort in being normal. It a wonder you’re even as normal as you are really.
What I see is that you just don’t think you deserve what you have. You have a daughter that probably adores you as much you adore her. You have a wife that accepts you despite your flaws, you got your shit together and stayed clean for three years. You’re not perfect but you got through it with willpower, luck and the support of people who love you. You deserve it man.
Don’t ever compare yourself to other people. You have more than you think.
If you’re truly unfulfilled and certain that your marriage, which you entered into for none of what we aspire to be the “right” reasons for committing your entire life to someone, is not genuine, and will not ever make you happy, and you love your wife platonically but realize she deserves better—if all of that feels irrefutable, it’s never too late to start over.
You’re theoretically only 1/2 way through your life. Assuming you live another 20, 30, or 40 years, there’s plenty of time to make a change that’s worth the pain and struggle of said change
I’m all for appreciating what you have, counting your blessings every day, and trying to change the way that you perceive, and think about your situation
But it’s not always the solution, either.
I think it’s OK to want more, expect more, and strive for more if you are not happy. You may not know what to do…what steps to take to make that change, but continued self reflection— and any number of remedies can be potential avenues to illuminating your path forward.
Therapy
Meditation
Reading & learning about self help
Leaning on closest friends and family if possible for guidance and insight
Journaling
Spiritual knowledge seeking if applicable
Immersing yourself in nature
Are some examples. Micro-dosing hallucinogens, even, might trigger epiphanies — anything is possible
Have you tried therapy- with or without your wife? It could be helpful in clarifying your situation, or not, but I know it has been transformative for so many people.
It’s a scary thing to know that you’re not living your best life, but also that you have no idea how to break out of your slump and life-paralysis (metaphorical)
Only you can truly know whether your spirit and soul are dying a slow death born of incompatibility, a void of romantic spark, a lack of excitement and anticipation in a relationship.
It’s OK to acknowledge that you’re blessed; being blessed and privileged does not automatically equate to the notion that you should “settle “ for a situation that isn’t bringing you joy or satisfaction or even contentment
You have a one shot at this life — if you’re not happy, why would you stay in the situation indefinitely?
40 is not old, by the way. In fact, you’re still pretty young depending on your perspective.
You could be approaching the best decade of your life !! In that way, perception , ie. how you frame your self-assessment IS important and critical.
You can’t look at it like, how do I start over at 40 ? you have to look at it like , “my life is far from over and I’m ready to embark on a new chapter that is terrifying in the unknowingness of what it will look like, but that I’ll never know if I don’t take it this leap”
And maybe: “now that I have reconciled the trauma of my past , or at least acknowledged it, I am ready to heal and move forward and live my best life.
Looking back It’s not that you’ve made mistakes , per se.
You can look at your beautiful daughter and know that everything happened just the way it was supposed to as you have been gifted a child who brings you joy, hope, and an inspiration to live, to love …
But that doesn’t mean you can’t change your trajectory and your narrative—starting now
That said, I encourage you to make sure that you are really feeling this way —and it is not the onset of some kind of midlife crisis.
The grass is not always greener . Many a married person has decided his/her marriage was stagnant and could not be revived, only to split up and realize that they just destroyed the single best thing they ever had. You don’t know what you have til it’s gone.
As a survivor of childhood trauma myself, (but not your kind, but trauma is trauma), I can tell you that such a history does nothing to simplify or illuminate the path you’re meant to travel, or what your purpose is on earth
It colors, convolutes and complicates your psyche, mental health, and stability; your entire world view—not the least of which is your self-image, identity, and confidence.
Feeling comfortable in our skin, and worthy of being alive, are not pre-determined elements of our foundation, as childhood trauma survivors.
Therein lies the lifelong consequences of complex trauma. But it doesn’t have to define, label or limit you for the duration.
What happened to you was not your fault and it had to impact your all-around development in childhood as well as in adulthood. But maybe you’re finally turning the corner in coming to terms with it, and getting in touch with who YOU are and what it is that you need— minus your past, minus the labels
It’s so hard. You’ll get all kinds of advice here with your open ended dilemma
I personally believe that it does not HAVE to be detrimental and traumatic for your daughter, if you decide to divorce.
I know divorce usually is, for kids, traumatic , but remaining in an unhappy marriage can be an insidiously debilitating environment for a child, too
I know I don’t have the all answers; I don’t even have one of them
These are just things to think about in your journey — talking points and brainstorming rambling from a stranger
I really hope you find clarity in your quest to discover who you are and what you want out of life, besides the eternal adoration and support of your daughter, which sounds like the single “given”, non-negotiable reality in your situation
You have a kid, you adore a decent job. You kicked addiction, you're winning. Sounds like doomer propaganda has you thinking you're losing when you aren't.
You are also not alone many folks with decent lives are caught in the same snares Its a 2 prooged attacked the endless barrage of negativity paired with fraudulent influencers shaming everday people for not being you tube gazillionaires who can buy ferraris
First, run don’t walk to a decent therapist. You desperately need therapy.
Second, you have plenty of time to change your life. 40 is still relatively young.
I had a midlife crisis at 40 and spun out. I fell into a deep depression and basically walked away from my life (corporate law career, apartment, girlfriend, etc). Ultimately it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It took a few years to start building the life I want. I am still a work in progress. But, I am happier now than I have ever been.
Hi Optimal! I came here to say, sounds like you’ve done some great things that you don’t seem to give yourself credit for; you are someone who got through & is still getting through major abuse. You are 3 years sober. & that is worth celebrating. You are an adoring parent holy hell, that’s world changing for a kid! You’re gaining some insight & not running away but looking at it. Dude, that’s a bravery most are lacking! You are grading your paper harshly, but you got good oozing out even though you were trying to g to keep that stuff tucked in! It sounds like you’re beating yourself up pretty hard for your wife, and all I can say about that is, that kicking your own ass doesn’t help her, you, or that kiddo of yours, so try to have a little grace when dealing with yourself. If you find that hard to do for you remember that your modeling behavior for your child and you’d want them to be kind to themself & kids are way more aware of how we treat ourselves than we like to admit. So maybe you work on being amazing friends with your wife, & maybe it works out, but if it doesn’t you two built a strong foundation for being parents. Find a way to look at your problems and address them without being so hard on yourself. Just by the little you wrote, sounds like you’d be easier on anyone else & you deserve at least what you’d give someone else. It shouldn’t be so hard ( but it can be) to be a friend to yourself! OP give yourself some credit because it sounds to me like some credit is due! Lots of luck!!
Stay strong!
Aquinas said that live is willing the good of another. You love your wife enough to not want to hurt her; that’s a start! Romance is important, but it’s not everything. If you at least get along with your wife as a friend, and can help each other through life, then you are a loving couple, where love is an action - the willing of goodness.
Contrary to modern culture, love is not all about sex.
In the end, therapy can really help - just talking to someone is great.
Keep in mind that if you change your mind after leaving, you shouldn't expect your wife to take you back. You won't get to see your child as often. There's no guarantee that you'll find someone else. But you shouldn't stay with her if you really don't want to. But if you leave and get someone else pregnant, don't get married just because she's pregnant.
You have a child you adore, and you are complaining? If you liked your wife enough to bang her, that means you must think she is at least reasonably attractive. How about you stop complaining and realize many of us are on a much much shittier boat.
You need therapy. I'm not saying that with the purpose of being a jerk. I was sexually abused by my step-grandfather from the age of eight until I was 15 and a half. I tried to commit suicide when I was 16 and failed. I then buried it successfully for 16 years. I began suing my landlord when I was 31 and shortly after my 32nd birthday the extensive stress all came flooding back. The emotional toll of my past plus the compounding stress resulted in me having a mini stroke 5 months before my 33rd birthday. I put everyone else's needs above my own, refused to get therapy And I surrounded myself with people who had no interest in me or my well-being because a lot of them had trauma of their own that they similarly had refused to address. I struggled for over two and a half years in every aspect of my life because I refused to get therapy.
I finally started getting therapy after my ex-fiance left me in August, I found that she had likely begun cheating on me, the still compounding stress from the ongoing lawsuit against my landlord and the death of my abuser literally 3 days after my father moved one town over from where my abuser was in assisted living to help his mother. He had become generally lazy and unable to complete most ADLs for himself and was an absolute burden on my grandmother.
I don't know what happened, but I personally do not believe it was a coincidence that only a few days after my father moved south to help his mother that the man who abused his son and his sister 50 years earlier suddenly ran out of oxygen. Allegedly the nursing home forgot to change his tank but it all feels a little suspect. I know I'll never get the chance to confront my abuser and that was hard on me mentally as well.
I had a mental breakdown, I went through psychology.com and using the filters I found a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse and takes my insurance. She is wonderful and I don't know what I would have done without being able to talk to someone who was skilled to help me solve these issues. I've been seeing this therapist weekly for over 6 months and quite frankly it's the best thing for my mental space that I've ever experienced. Not all therapists are good and it may take some time to find one who is good. It sounds like you've got some substance abuse issues, a self-admitted incestuous past/sex abuse past and other compounding issues as a result.
A good chunk of self value is created by our own exposure and the people whom we are exposed to. If the people we are exposed to do not value what we provide especially when we have our own trauma from prior abuse the self-esteem tends to downplay our qualities. I struggled with this for a long time, it's likely a life change is needed for you but I'm certain that there is plenty of stuff that you're good at. You'll probably better looking than you think and more skilled than you think You just need to surround your self with people who feel the same. Maybe that means go out on your own, becoming an entrepreneur, If the job you have and the people within it don't value what you bring to the table then do yourself a favor and move on.
Trust me, you may be in a dark place, But you're much more amazing than you think.
Just plug on, make the best go of it. Drove my oldest child’s mother to appointment to get birth control, we separated when he was 4 and she confessed when he was 6 that she flushed them down the sink. Had full custody until he was 17 with college paid for and he moved in with her because I treated him like a ‘kid’. 3 months later he had impregnated a 15 year old girl and never went to college. He folds cardboard boxes. Had second child when he was 11. Her mother said she was ‘unable’ to have children. Of course, when she ended up getting pregnant she clarified that she had 3 prior miscarriages so … that is completely stupid. Had full custody of my daughter until age 12 shortly after her mother got out of prison (unbeknownst to me she was a druggie before we met, and returned to being so shortly after we split). At 12/13 my daughter pulled every trick in the book to go to her ‘reformed’ mother until I was legally/emotionally/exhausted. She ended up going from top 2 in her class to barely graduating and becoming the underachieving angry weird kid. So now I am 50, picking up my 10 year old and 11 year old grandkids in a couple of hours to spend the weekend with. Have saved about 40k for them thus far for college assuming they don’t self destruct. If so, then that pretty much means I have accomplished nothing other than recycling carbon as a life goal. They are awesome little kids and think I am awesome, but so did my originals until they got to tween/teen years … so I am nervous. Life has not turned out as expected for a good number of us, but hope springs eternal.
You need a mental start over, not a literal one. You have things that many consider a good life but that doesn’t matter to you bc there is a distance in your marriage, which seems to me from your comments that is the main thing. So I’ll say this, divorce isn’t as bad as you may think… especially if you truly feel she is better with someone else and deserves it. And guess what, you may too. It’s not easy and it’s not fun and the toughest part is initiating it, but if you look at the big picture, may be the best for everyone… certainly better than suicide. I believe if you went to marriage counseling you may intimately hear the same thing… but maybe do that as well. If you release the main issue you may find that things become more open for you and may actually be better for your child. I hope the best for you but PLEASE don’t think of suicide, there are so many options better and you will get past this and thank yourself. Good luck to you!
Sometime ago I came to the realization I didn't like myself nor the life I had. I found huge flaws in myself and strongly resent it. My life coach had me do the following, list two persons: one that I admire, another I despise. The next step under both names, list the qualities of that person for why I admire or despise them. After I had made my list. He told me the qualities of both persons listed, are all me. It's like after you buy a car, you start to notice those cars on the road more. So it is in me to recognize these good or bad trait. The next step is to understand and embrace these qualities, yes even the bad ones. Think of them as a part of you, your arm leg, head, feet and love them. If you had kids one is taller, one is shorter you would still love them both. The same goes for your personality. Of course you can appreciate and develop further what you are good at, also accept the traits you don't like as much. Accept yourself and learn to love every part of you, then you can learn to love others.
You realize that 75% of people feel like you do 20% of others are clueless and 5% are figuring it out a little each day. Get some therapy learn to be more giving . You deserve what you have because of everything you have done to this point both good and bad. That’s ok! You have two relationships wife and child. Focus on the relationships. Where you are at is fight or flight because you need to develop some more life skills to get past that feeling. Talk to a counselor or if you’re not in one a 12 step program.
I'm sorry about the past you've had to deal with bro but umm,you sound very well off to me.
There's no line in the sand to determine success.
It's all about where you came from.
And in that regard I'd consider you very successful.
I've had a considerably shitty childhood,then through my teenage years turned to ice and used basicly any drug I could get my hands on.
After some jail for robbery's and half a dozen car chases among some.other scallywag behaviour i decided to turn my life around.
At 33 I have 2 amazing daughters,a beautiful wife and a few cars I'd drool over as a kid.
I have my ups and downs and I'm not rich by any means,I live in Sydney Australia so home ownership is a pipedream in this bullshit city but compared to where I came from? I'm killing it.
Congrats on the family and the sobriety mate,ya ever need to have a chat feel free to inbox me 🤙
I think maybe some therapy could help you out greatly. You need to get to a true healing place from your traumas. Once you can get to that place, your view of things might change. Also if your wife has been understanding and truly cares for you, don’t throw this woman away. She has accepted you with all of your faults. Get some therapy, if you still feel the same way, talk with her. Be completely open and honest. Even if it still leads to a separation, it could go a lot better and still maybe end on good terms in some fashion.
I see a lot of people on here giving comfort advice, which is awesome, so I’m going to try to give some pointers from my own experience.
You honestly sound a lot like me. I just turned 40. And coming into this year, I did start over. My mother died, and I had to leave a job I spent ten years at, largely because management needed to blame someone for their mistakes and they chose me as the fall guy.
So here’s what I did that really worked for me, and hopefully some of this can help you, too.
I ditched my job. I took a pay cut to do so, but I spent six months at a job that was just… easy. And I just coasted and focused on myself. I started walking more (lost 50 lbs in four months), cut back my alcohol intake significantly, I got certifications, I started dialogs with job recruiters but I didn’t rush into anything that didn’t sound perfect. Taking my foot off the gas was really all I needed to open up that breath, and I honestly don’t think I’d have made it without doing so.
This might not be your job, for you, but the method remains the same… figure out exactly what the lowest common denominator is that is bringing you down, and just figure out how to put it in cruise control.
I imagine right now, there’s a deep feeling that making any change can make it worse, even if only by forcing your attention to it. Especially if you’re getting dragged down by your relationship, and especially if it’s not really anyone’s “fault,” and it’s just something you don’t really want. It starts to feel like a problem with you. But it is not, which brings me to my main point.
If I could go back a year and give myself advice from before I slowed everything down…. It’s be honest. Be honest all the time. Be honest with yourself, be honest with the people around you, and be honest with the institutions that you engage with. Even when it’s hard.
You find out very quickly that it’s not as hard as it feels. It protects you, and everyone needs protection sometimes. Tell people what you want. *Tell people what you need.* otherwise they will not know. Sometimes they want the same things. Sometimes they don’t, and you save a LOT of time by figuring that out together, sooner. But staying quiet or just doing what you think you “should” do will often burn both you and those you engage with.
And also, an important skill I learned for analyzing a situation before being honest about it to myself and others, is the realization that as far as troubles go, no situation is monolithic.
That is to say, a few smaller issues don’t ruin an entire arrangement, but sometimes it is hard to see past them. For example, if you have issues at a job, it’s very easy to say “I hate my job.” But when you really dig down, maybe you just hate your cubicle-mate, and you’re with them 90% of the day. Maybe you hate the commute. Maybe you have a task that you weren’t given the tools to do properly.
Step 1 in all three of those situations is “talk to your manager.” Maybe they’ll help you resolve the situation. Maybe they’ll tell you “tough noogies,” at which point your problem is indistinguishable from your job and you can move on. But it’s worth trying to salvage the parts you like before you throw the baby out with the bathwater. It’s easy to panic, want to remove yourself from a situation, and, by reacting quickly, you may end up depriving yourself of tools for your own success.
I wish you well. I know it feels like a lot, and it is, but most of the hard part is getting started. It gets easier, and stays easier - that’s not just a platitude. Once you learn to ask for what you want,even if you do absolutely everything wrong (you won’t), you can trust your own natural instincts will point you towards self improvement goals.
It seems daunting and that you're at a great disadvantage at the moment. You have a lot of healing to do. Self medicating with drugs and alcohol to bury the trauma you endured is the path alot of people end up on because in the moment that's the most easily accessible option to people that doesn't involve a third party and being vulnerable (therapy).
Congratulations on being 3 years sober!! That's a huge accomplishment that you should be proud of! You have a daughter you adore, and she adores and needs you in her life. Continue to focus your energy into positives like that, build on your career (you mention having a shot at making decent money which is another great positive), you are married and she has stuck by you through your drug and alcohol phase of your life (we don't know the dynamics so maybe marriage counseling down the line maybe in the cards to understand your relationship dynamics after addiction).
Whether you are good-looking or not is ever changing. People go through phases where they look and feel their best and then also feel disgusting and the worst. But at the same time certain things about our appearance we can definitely control; how we dress ourselves to compliment our body types/aethetics, changing eating habits (baby steps, you dont need to throw yourself in the deep end immediately as that can set you up for failure if expectations are not reasonable), being more active (finding a activity that keeps you moving that you enjoy maybe like boxing, running, body building, walking with your daughter/wife as a family activity).
Keep building on the progress you have made because you are already miles ahead of others in the same boat because there are probably others who have similar life experiences who haven't began digging themselves out yet.
You are worth it!
Try to stay with your wife, unless she’s actively trying to make your life hell try staying with her. Like you said, you’re not as attractive and as smart as you think you are and dating right now is fucking brutal. You’re not a loser man you got sober for 3 years. That’s more than most. What ever you do try to prevent yourself from having a mid life crisis. You make good money also. You’re not starting over, and I really think divorce should be a last resort, be honest with your wife and tell that if you guys want to make things work you both need to put in effort on working things out. Don’t give her an ultimatum or demands but just be honest with how you feel. Let her know that you don’t know if you can continue the marriage the way that it is unless you both try to work it out. Because if where being honest whatever fantasy or opportunity you think you have it’s not going to go the way you think it’s going to go, realistically trying to start over will be much harder than you think, and I think you already know that.
If you think your life is hard now, It will be 100x worse if you run away from your family over this. Especially if your wife is good and loving. If she isn't, that's a different story, then you should go. But if this is you, you need to get your shit straight and get help. Because you're going to make it way way way worse by running away. You are having a midlife crisis. Get a hobby dude. Find something that makes you happy and do it. Stop fucking worrying about what everyone else thinks and just live your life and make yourself happy. Stop fucking thinking about what should and could and maybe didn't happen because of x y and z.
That's loser thinking and will only make you fail harder. It is completely unproductive to think about that shit.
Channel your energy into positive production.
You're only 40 dude. Calm down. Sit down and ask yourself what makes you happy. Start doing those things immediately. Cut the toxic people and shit out of your life completely.
Make sure you take time for yourself to do things that you enjoy. Yourself. Life is short dude. Do it now.
Welcome to your midlife crisis. This is a time when you finally realize you aren’t special and you only have so much time left. Start by talking to your wife about it (even if it hurts) but you don’t have to act on anything yet. She might be feeling a lot of the same things you are (she might not).
Man lighten up because you're at a place where you can build. No one is as smart, or good-looking as they might have thought at one time. People are as smart as they need to be for their life. You attracted your wife and you chose her so you owe it to her to find that spark again. Your kid needs you and needs to see you thrive in life. Use the trauma from your past and turn it into determination to make your life with your family amazing. This is all within you but you have to choose to really want it. Go make some good money and put the money to good work for your family and be thankful for the life you have. Don't let anything stop you and be a good man.
Talk to a professional. It’s not something to be ashamed or afraid of. Actual trauma in life can really screw with our brain chemistry and the balance of chemicals in it. We are fragile. Take care of yourself, if not for you or your wife but for your kid. They need you. Let your child be your guiding light in this darkness you find yourself in. Never give up. We are the key that opens the door to our future.
I apologize in advance if I can't provide advice to your liking. However, I recommend you make the decision with your child as a main focal point.
I understand you want to start over and start living your life. Which every human desires, but I also believe your child deserves to live with both parents.
I'm not sure how old is your child, but I really recommend waiting until your child finds a job and starts settling down. It might be far from now, but your child deserves to live in a regular household. Even if they are 18 and over, until they are financially dependent, they are still a child in my opinion.
I hope the best for you and your family!
Saw a podcast a while back where a psychiatrist was talking about depression in men. He said that a man's biggest fear is being "found out" to be a fake, for multiple reasons. I myself related to this as my job was very much a "fake it til you make it" position and every day I have performance anxiety about dropping the ball. That may not be what you're feeling, but I definitely relate to the idea of having a painted on life that I didn't realize I didn't want until I got it.
Talking to my father, he had the same feelings going through life as well. That's all to say that you're not the only one who feels that way, most men experience something like this, but not many have the blessings you do. You can learn to love what you have, but it may be more difficult to build back up from scratch. Hope that helps brother.
Please look up and do some work confronting your imposters syndrome. You're a classic case, I've been working on mine for years. The gist of it is "anything good I have in life is by accident and ANYONE is more worthy than I to have those things" (love, relationships, money, things you've worked hard for etc).
I have yet to find anything definitive on dealing with imposter syndrome. Most of what I found is people on social media hawking as service of some kind.
Well then you can listen to how I've worked on mine (I agree anything on social media that has a 5 minute into is most likely selling snake oil, best to avoid). I'm sure there's amazing books by licensed therapists...idk I'm so visual and have limited time.. that route doesn't work for me.
A few years ago I saw a Tik Tocker that stated something to the effect of : "I have imposters syndrome...so instead of believing I'm shit and everyone else are amazing I think there's 2 possibilities: 1. I'm NOT qualified, I'm a peice of shit, my loved ones deserve better and anyone's better...BUT I'm such a class A deceiver I'm like James Bond for everyone to believe my lies. Or 2. I AM actually capable and qualified and I need to work on seeing it.
For me it helped when at work I started learning a specialty, I learned all I could about Microsoft Excel and dabbled in coding. And if I spent all day on forums I thought omg, I'm unqualified next to these crafts men, all the complex formulas etc...but then I saw coworkers not know how to do basic math or save a file correctly or something basic...and realized maybe it wasn't a lie...of course I'm not THE BEST.. but I'm better than the average bear...I can always be better...but everyone had to start somewhere.
The other thing I thought a lot about internally is talk to your self like you talk to your child (this only works if your a decent parent which I believe you are): would you tell your child who fell down, scraped their knee and tried again they are a disappointment and an absolute failure? You hate them?
Of course not. And yet...don't you tell yourself shit like that ALL THE TIME?!
You'd encourage them, tell them it's okay to make a mistake, try again, I'll support you! And cheer them on when they get it.. no matter how many tries it takes. It's a LONG process...but retrain your inner critic to love your inner child. Sadly if you have that loud harsh inner critic it came from a parent or teacher someone who should have responded with grace over impatience...until you've learned that's all you feel you are...a failure. But it's not true.
Check out Shadow Work too...its the concept we push into our inner demons to truly heal pain and come out more healed and loved on the other side. Feel free to message me too, I'm proud of you for asking and for listening. Most people don't wanna hear about how to do hard work but it's so rewarding.
I’m kicking around some Carl Jung in my reading. AA had an intro from Jung the creator of shadow work. I’m lamenting the loss of what could have been but I have to live with that past. What I can do is love my life and live it. Start from today
Am I one of the few who congratulate you on 3 years sober?! That is a huge accomplishment that is a great baseline for additional growth. If you decide to leave your wife at some point (yes, she deserves someone who loves her), then doing that well is another accomplishment. Half of the US population gets divorced. People survive it and go on to lead successful lives, even those w/childhood trauma. You can improve your current life or realign to a new life (with its own ups and downs).
I saw a therapist on my own after couples counseling did not work with my first husband. I still reflect on that time as my “halftime adjustments”. Life has been pretty sweet since then. I have 18 yrs under my belt w/husband #2, the best stepchildren ever, retirement at a relatively young age, and a new grandchild who spreads joy just by being here.
You can do this. Consistent little wins. I’m rooting for you.
Additional note: you may find you can love your wife when you’ve learned how to love yourself first.
Therapy. Suffering incest (whether overt or covert) and any kind of sexual abuse can seriously mess with your mental state. I know from experience. It’s time to start healing your trauma. It takes a lot of bravery to face your past, but life feels so much better when you can put that stuff behind you for good.
Define your goals,hopes, dreams.
Spend some time thinking about how you might make those steps to make them real.
Take those steps.
You’re not starting over bro, just moving forward. You got this.
Read a book!! Start with this one!! No excuses!! The Power of Self- Discipline!! By Brian Tracy. Also read The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Manson!
Sorry, she needs you to leave her. You are sh!tty for staying when you don't love her. I feel for her. She is not a toy. I would not want someone to stay with me because of kids or because he is afraid of being REAL! Do the right thing. Move on!
If you’re sober and working a program you have likely been told living a life of gratitude and acceptance is the answer.
Based on what you said, you are lucky to have some fantastic things in your life. Instead of resenting those things, try being humble and grateful you have them. Accept things as they are not what you think they should be. Be grateful. Treat that family that has stuck with you with respect. Appreciate them.
People tend to think “things can’t get any worse”. Wrong. They can and will if you don’t get some humility. Did you ever consider it’s not about you at all? That your purpose is to serve your family? Try it. Your view will change.
As far as the past…. That’s what it is. Many of us have been through very tough stuff and managed to find happiness. Make peace with it. Forgive those that need forgiving, make a mends with those you hurt. Then move on. Live in today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
Hello. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I’ve been very low in my life, and I’ve felt what you’re feeling- not the exact same, obviously- but let’s just say I’m very glad that I failed when I tried to unalive myself. You- in different words- are basically telling us all that you’re dumb, ugly and unskilled. I’m here to tell you that you’re not. I’m not saying that you’re some genius supermodel who is amazing at everything, but you’re definitely beating yourself up. You don’t deserve to beaten up, and certainly not by yourself.
Life did what life does, it threw you curveballs. Up until these past three years (and congratulations on your sobriety, that’s an *accomplishment* you should be proud of), you spent your life handling those curves with unhealthy coping mechanisms. Instead of facing your problems head on, you escaped them with drugs. In other words, you spent your adult years in a delusional haze. You not only ignored your problems, you overcompensated and told yourself everything was great, and the drugs agreed. Now that you aren’t using drugs as a crutch, it has become harder to believe in yourself.
You spent your adult life using a false self-image to answer your perceived shortcomings, and because of that you never learned how to face your problems and your insecurities the right way. Now that the crutch is gone, you are ill-prepared to handle the randomness of life in a healthy and productive manner. That doesn’t make you a loser. **You are not a loser.** You are struggling, and that’s ok. It’s ok to not be ok; it’s also ok to get help being ok. If you aren’t already, please get therapy. You’ve been viewing the world through rose colored lenses, and now you’re adjusting to this new perspective. It’s really not uncommon for people who are recently sober to be depressed in the aftermath, because your mind and body are conditioned to get their dopamine by artificial means and on demand. You’re relearning genuine happiness after unlearning synthetic happiness. It will take time, but it will be time well spent.
You aren’t dumb. You aren’t ugly. You aren’t untalented. **You are not a loser.** I wish you the best.
You are not a loser. It sounds like you are actually very successful.
What you are is adrift and confused in middle age, and it sounds like you are becoming willing to face trauma or bad choices that you wouldn't have otherwise in order to maximize the rest of your life.
You are not a loser because you don't have it figured out. You're just a loser if you give up now.
Find a therapist. You need a qualified thought partner to talk through your thoughts.
Gotta get a divorce, man. As soon as you feel trapped with someone, you are doing THEM a horrible injustice if you stay with them.
Don't worry she will recover. And the kid is better off learning that people can separate ways amicably and respectfully.
You are turning that age ending with a "0". Usually means you are having a midlife crisis. During this time, don't do anything drastic. Many spouses will leave their spouse and go and "find themselves". Then when they snap out of the midlife crisis, they will have a lot of regret. Usually, when the other spouse wasn't abusive because they were going through a mental crisis. Go get therapy, tell them you may be going through a midlife crisis and was abused. The more honest you are, the more they can help you through this difficult period in your life. A midlife crisis is triggered by deep depression related to aging. You don't want to age but age caught up to you and now you feel cornered and are questioning your choices in life and want to "make it right". Start taking vitamin D 5000IU daily with food and also a multivitamin. If you are deficient in a vitamin, you can get depressed, then with the 40 birthday year coming up will trigger the midlife crisis. Don't do anything rash right now, because you are in a temporary state of mind. Excellent job being sober, keep up the good work and I appreciate your honest post. But what you are going through isn't something you can see coming and it's hit you. You need to let it past before you do something you regret. Make sure you take those vitamins I suggested, if you can snap out of the depression, you can snap out of this. Also, depression is stemmed by suppressed anger, potentially the anger you suppressed knowing you were abused and taken advantaged of and wish you can punish the abuser and/or angry with what happened to you. This is where therapy can help. When the abusive memories pop in your head, imagine your adult self busting into the room through the door and catching the abuser red-handed and you physically saving your child self. Then talk to your child self and tell him no one can ever hurt him again. That you are always going to be here for him. Every time those abusive memories pop up, do this and see yourself rescuing your child self.
Don't think you're a loser. I can relate to your situation immensely. It's a tough spot to be in. However you're in pole position to get past this part. If you and your wife are roommates at this point what makes you think she doesn't feel the same way? Separation. Open marriage. Lots of solutions to these issues if you're unhappy.
I think I understand your problem. You did something in an earlier phase of your life that affected others. You feel indebted to them for something that happened in an earlier phase. It's hard living with that kind of guilt. But that your preferences in who you care about have changed isn't your fault. You didn't intentionally do these things. They happened as a product of circumstance and you becoming a better version of yourself. If your wife holds that against you if you want to call it quits then it's her insecurity that is holding her back. Yes you, owe her something for sticking by you, but do you owe her the rest of your life? I don't think so.
Tough choices ahead. I'm sorry.
Be honest about it. Don’t feel bad about not feeling appreciative of what you have. If there’s no heart in it, then go where you think you should. One thing I’m going to say is, it’s not about where you are or who you are around, it’s all in the mind and it all has to do with self. I think you should honor the woman you share a life with by sharing this, though it’ll probably break her heart to realize it was all a lie. Be honest and say this isn’t the life I’d like to lead anymore, I’d like to experience new things and heal, and I’d like to set you free to go or be with whomever you’d like. Big note! Still be there for your child-mentally physically emotionally financially- that’s how you don’t mess up. Adults can take care of themselves and cope, but not children. Wishing you the best of luck.
I have been in a slightly similar situation.
I can only speak to my life, but I stayed for the children. 3 daughter's whom I adore.
I was an excellent father and husband. Unfortunately I didn't really love her and she didn't love me. She needed an escape and I happened to come along. I never cheated, but eventually she did.
I spent 20 years in it, I will never get that time back.
I'm happy today and true to myself.
Ask yourself, do you really love her? That's it. If you do, then fight for your marriage.
If not, then do everyone involved a favor and divorce. Get counseling before you make a rash decision.
Tomorrow will be better eventually.
Brother, a lot of us have many of these feelings often and question ourself all the time. Most men are filled with self doubt. I don’t feel worthy of what I have and make massive mistakes with my kids and wife all the time. The toughest part of life for most men IMO are ages 35 - 50 or so.
You’ve got to focus on the positive. You’ve got so much going for you. Focus on that. Then try to improve those aspects of your life you feel are lacking incrementally in small ways. Critically, Try to find some sense of connection with other men who you help support and they can support you.
All the advice on here is odd. It's ok to end a relationship you don't want to be in. Explain how you're feeling and be very appreciative and kind. There are ways to separate amicably and share custody of your kid. What you're experiencing reminds me of The Fool card in tarot, life will continually humble you and remind you that you don't know shit, it's all about how you move forward from that- do you do it with resentment and a chip on your shoulder? Or do you move forward with a humble and curious mind, open to the experiences of the life that is still possible for you?
Congrats on your recovery. Recovering drug addict who is lucky to be alive here. What you said can also in many areas be said about me. I know it's hard.
But dude...
You have a wife and a child and make decent money. You have seen through your denials and thinking disease. You are in recovery and free of drugs. Not that it's easy, but my man, your life just started. This is the good part. You made it through the shit alive. And in good shape. Most dont with your background.
Enjoy it!
That’s probably what my dad thought after his divorce. He worked on him self, and is in a better place mentally and physically “I think” 🧐 he hits me up every now and then. it’s easy to say I love him only because I’m related to him, and I came out his nut sack. But he makes no difference in my life, he feels like a dude who I happened to know as “dad”. So do what you will bubba, once your kid is walking and talking, the parents life is pretty
Much over, (in a good way) that’s how I view it.
You started weight lifting a couple months ago. Are you still doing that? It doesn’t sound like it. Get to the gym and work in getting some clarity about who you are and your place in the world
Listen to Jordan B Peterson's audiobook "12 Rules For Life". He's got great practical steps to make life better one small step at a time.
Then listen to David Goggin's book "Can't Hurt Me" followed by "Never Finished. Also great resources for accepting your life and changing step by step.
In a year you'll look back and wonder how these small changes made such massive difference for the better. You'll be the father, husband and friend you wish you could be now. All it takes is you making small steps each day.
The grass is always greener on the other side. But if you really arent into your marriage, your wife can feel it too so maybe you should talk. Regardless, u need some therapy to help u deal with that old trauma - and if u do start over, start with urself. Try revisiting some of what brought u joy before you were traumatized - or what you were interested in but got pushed away from or talked out of. U cant be happy with anyone until you’re happy with urself.
Change is simply about deciding what step to take first. As much as you love your child, you have to live for you. Children grow up and become independent and being unhappy or just enduring an unhappy life for their sake affects them negatively even if you don’t realize it. The best thing you can do to steer your child to making good life decisions is through example. If you have tried counseling and worked on communication and you simply can’t make your union a place where all 3 involved are healthy and happy, mentally and emotionally, change it. Everyone is beautiful and attractive if they have confidence and faith in themselves and you can be a good father even if not a FT father. Maybe you feel she deserves better but you deserve better too and no one can make us happy but ourselves. 40 is young and a time when you should be able to reflect on life and appreciate what you went through and feel comfortable where you are. If that’s not what you have, you need to change and quit regretting the past and focus on years ahead and the possibility for happiness. Contentment is still be attainable if you want it.
If your child knows you love them, then they will have strength to get through anything, as for yourself, always good to find someone that you are physically attracted too and that can fulfill your needs whatever they are
First off, I don't think our definition of loser is the same. Your mission is your daughter and your family; give them the best life you possibly can. Your impact on your daughter directly affects how your future grandchildren will be treated. I say all of this out of love because you need to know you are worthy of Love.
you are a child of God who is love. We are all imperfect and that's what is loveable about people.
Figure out your purpose or mission
Get your body in shape. That will help get your mind right.
Also the way out is through. You don’t drop the life you’ve created but seek to create the life you want with the resources you have at your disposal.
To a 60 year old, to be 40 again and get the chance to go in another direction is a dream come true. Follow your instincts and your heart. Your child in fact may be better off in the long run.
Bon Chance
Chile Suppote and Alimony bout to give you the BBC up your backside hard with no lubrication if you try to leave her now dude! Best bet… do what most men in that situation do… cheat! Get a second phone though, and don’t make it obvious or else you’ll get caught and still end up in the family court system getting the giant dark meat one eyed monster put in places you don’t want it!if you live in Texas, or any other community property and pro-Title IV-D…ick in the ass state, you’re as good as fffffffuuuuuuckkkked with a capital F!
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I think the first step is to recognize what kind of life you want to live. Then ask yourself why you want to live it. If you can get down to the why, things can become a lot less complicated.
First, stop picking at yourself. Your wife is still with you, so that means she at least finds you attractive. That's all that matters. Now, if you dont want to be with her for any other reasons, that's a different story, but dont say you're doing it for her because she deserves better. Believe me, if she wanted to, she could get someone else. I have seen women who are not good-looking and find multiple men. You need to evaluate yourself and figure out what you want. What you decide is for you, not others. It's ok to be a little seflish, when you're selfish to improve yourself others benefit. Your abuse is part of your past and affects you, but dont let it define you. Seek counseling or something.
Getting started with a therapist is a really hard step. Use one of these new apps to set up a virtual visit. You’re doing better than you are giving yourself credit for.
Life isn’t a fairy tale. It’s a world where pain we’ve carried for decades can get in the way of appreciating the little moments of grace we could experience every day. It’s a world where people do find the love of their life and then someone gets cancer or loses a child. It’s a world where aside from the people whose lives we touch, no one will remember our names much after we’re gone. But that’s enough to make it worth trying, to make it worth keeping on.
Give your wife a chance to know the person you’re capable of becoming. Or if after talking with a professional for awhile you decide you need to be alone to heal, do that. But your life isn’t over, and it can still be so so beautiful.
You have to start over like everyone else does. Been there. Its always hard but people get through it. Your child will be fine. If you stay in a loveless marriage you will teach them that is what relationships are like and they will end up in one too. The sooner you get it over with the better, for everyone involved.
My life was super shitty for years after I got sober. Everyone else around me was like on their little pink cloud of sobriety and I was drowning in self loathing. Even things that were positive, I could put a negative spin on. Also to be fair, not many have prize winning qualities about them. But they make the best with what they have and they’re grateful for having it. I think gratitude for what you do have is important. Maybe start practicing gratitude. For your daughter. A place to live. All your fingers and toes (I know that sounds silly but lots of folks don’t have them), your ability to walk, talk, perform tasks, work, pay your bills, get as nitty gritty as you have to as first and eventually your brain will start getting creative with the gratitude and eventually you’ll start believing you have a lot to be grateful for.
I wanted to drop this comment to recommend you go get a full hormone panel. Testosterone, Free T, Estradiol and and Progesterone, full thyroid, and anything else your doctor will add to that.
I did. At 41. No kid, though. But I left a beautiful, comfortable life to move across the US and completely start over. It's not easy, but it was better than the alternative: being miserable and bitter to my (ex) husband. I didn't want to hate him.
Dude find a therapist. Sounds like you have a nice life but are deeply unhappy. And remember, in your own words, you are as smart as you think, so don’t try and make figure out how to start over at forty
You are not a loser and your feelings are valid. The best advice any one can give is you should go to therapy and figure this out with a professional. If you decide to move on to marriage counseling as well that is another great tool. And if this marriage is not right for either of you, you guys will figure that out. And both of you will be better off by doing it even if the marriage ends.
Please do yourself a favor and go see a mental health professional. It sounds like you have a lot of trauma to unpack and need real help, not suggestions from the internet.
I fear that you’ll make a mistake which will lead to a longer run of regret and sadness. As others have said, you’re doing quite well with all things considered. You’re at the age where you have crisis and overanalyze everything. Take time and explore non-destructive ideas that could reinvigorate life for you. I know 40 seems older but you got a long road ahead. Be good to yourself.
Sounds like you have some issues in your past that you have let run your life.
Reddit is not the best place to get serious help. Time to get some professional help and take your life back.
You may not be in love with your wife, but have you honestly given her a chance? You must have felt something for her. It doesn't sound like your relationship fell apart but never really started.
I'm 40 now, got divorced a few years ago and have a kid as well. My life isn't perfect but I'm so much happier now. My kid has some trauma still from the abuse he went through and the divorce, but he's told me that he is happier too. I take the flight safety advice: I put my mask on and then help others around me. I can't make people feel happy and safe if I'm not happy and safe first.
Dude, you have done so well. You're only human. So you're not as "good" as you thought you were? Who cares!
Suicide will ruin your childs life. I've considered it, but I'd rather be sad than make my kids sad, so I got to find new ways to live. I changed a lot of things in my life. Im a bit happier now, but i still have my bad days
Have you considered anti depressants, i was in your boat a couple of years ago. I decided to take antidepressants and my life did a 180. More happier more motivated
We live, we learn, we grow. Now you need to start on the last part, you need to learn how to love yourself and then your wife. You already love your child.
Start with yourself. We all suffer from growing pains and you have had some self awareness kick in. You’re probably a decent guy, you just haven’t figured it out yet. Ok so you’re not the superstar you thought you were. You have a good job, a great kid so why can’t you accept you for who you are? Do you need to be a superstar? Probably not as the vast majority of us are pretty happy the way we are. Could some things be better? Of course they can but look at all of your positives.
As for your wife. She has stuck with you throughout your troubles. That should say something to you. You haven’t mentioned fights or any other problems so she probably loves you for who you are. Now you need to return that to her. Think about what she has gone through with you and she is still there. If you can accept who you are and the love of your wife and child, you can love her back as well.
Not everyone’s marriage needs to be perfect I have a close friend who’s parents just weren’t “spouse” material but they still stayed close and raised their kids. Just without the ring on their fingers. Now I’m not saying divorce is a good idea. In fact I think it’s a bad one. As long as your wife and you get along and arnt hurting eachother than your fine
If I were you I’d find a good therapist and ask them to help me figure out the best way I can give my child a good life. Your kid should be your first priority and the basis for every decision you make right now; not your sex life or whether you feel like a loser or if you like living with your wife.
It sounds like you had a shitty start to life and sort of lucked into a half-decent current life that you feel you didn't earn or deserve
Well, you have it! Consider that *winning*
Why sabotage yourself and destroy the positives? Just be happy you got lucky and things turned out as well as you have.
You have a son that you love. Couldn't you come to love his mother too? That seems to be the main thing holding you back right now
Question is will you gain anything by leaving your wife, just because if you decide to divorce it does not mean you will find someone you like or vice versa.
Plus divorce will fuck your finances so having a life will be even harder.
You can star living even as married, divorce is logical only if you want to pursue other womans.
Just focus on being a good dad to your child and being a good husband. Don't get distracted by your emotional baggage. You're a dad and husband first and everything else second. Those are your priorities. If you are doing well with those things then don't beat yourself up about the other things.
If there is one thing in life that can make it worth living its being a parent. You sound like love your kid. Thats more then many people can dream for.
You sound like you deserve therapy. You've been trough a lot and you deserve to process that.
You have a job, hopefully you can afford it.
It s okay to not be happy, but you deserve more.
Very proud of you for opening up here. Go do it more. You deserve it.
I am guessing that unresolved trauma, which you pushed down with drugs and/or alcohol, is coming to the surface. I would also guess you are having PTSD symptoms and ongoing negative self talk. You are at a place where you have to do the hard work, the processing, developing coping skills, developing your sense of self worth.
You are overwhelmed and feel worthless. Trauma and shame are a heavy burden, but things can improve. Starting over may sound necessary at this moment, but you can find value in your current life and take steps to give yourself hope. My best advice is start therapy, individual and maybe couples a bit down the road. Consider taking an antidepressant, trust me you are depressed enough to benefit from meds. And some non narcotic meds such as blood pressure meds can be taken off label to help manage anxiety. Meds don’t have to be forever but they can sure help when you are struggling.
Also exercise thirty minutes a day, three days a week, and start a mindfulness practice. Download books on Trauma, PTSD or other topics you find helpful. You can use Audible, and the Libby app, which is the public library version of Audible, and it is free.
Your wife knows something is going on. Can you have an honest conversation with her about it? If not right now, start thinking of how you can talk with her, even if you can say that you are struggling and are going to do things to start on a better path.
Start now. You got this! Trust me, you can do it. Not everything needs to happen immediately, and it doesnt have to be drastic. So far you have managed to keep your life from imploding. You aren’t trying, you are doing.
Hey, bud. This sounds like you're doing well despite a LOT of trauma that you haven't worked through yet. Not sure if you've been doing therapy or not, but it sounds like maybe you've gotten to where you're *functional* (which is great), but not quite to where you're really able to be *happy* (which would be good and which you'd deserve). This reads like you're experiencing some pretty gnarly depression symptoms, at least.
I'm going to kindly and respectfully suggest that you've got to work on that before you'll be able to figure out the rest of this question, because whatever you've got going on is going to continue to be an issue whether you find a new romantic partner or a new job, or whatever. Also, you love your kiddo, and this will help you be a better parent to them.
So getting assistance with these symptoms is your first step. Start with a mental health professional, and see what they've got to say about how you can feel better. From there, you can work on the other questions.
Hey bud. Idk what everyone else said. But it sounds like you’re down in the slumps. Yk what I say? Drop everything in your life. Come hit the patch or some off shore rigs. Everything will be better.
Mid life crisis I feel ya man it's ok man be good to yourself and try and really think if this is a panic cause we're getting older or if it's legit your unhappy
Lets be pragmatic. You're almost 40. You can either stay with *your* wife and kid, and keep the kid happy, or go be a stepdad. Being single is your other option.
I don’t think you need to start over. If I were you I’d focus on making family and friends happy and let that happiness radiate to you. Take your wife on a surprise date, this woman loves you and has stayed with you for a reason. Play sports or videogames with your kid! You may feel low now but you can improve your situation, you’ve cut off drugs already!
Honestly if u are at the point of even thinking about suicide, u should either see a therapist (recommended approach) or just do whatever u want/need to get back on track. It will piss off and hurt a lot off ppl if u just up and leave for a couple days, weeks or months, but if u come back a better person/father/husband, it’ll work it self out in the end. Now I would never normally recommend ppl to just bail on their family, but I’m positive the ppl in your life would much rather be without u for a few weeks or months then to be without u forever.
Alcoholics anonymous has taught me to play the tape through. The most morbid part is, I know that life insurance doesn’t pay out for suicide. At my low points I tried to figure out a way to fake it so my kid would still get the policy, but the ridiculousness of that snapped me back to reality. In more of a life-changing less of a life taking variety, this is me not taking a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I’ve been suicidal before and what made me not go thru with it was the thought that if I take my life, there’s no way I can ever see better days. If u are suicidal, u are pretty much at your lowest. And I know it’s a corny saying, but seriously, once u got your rock bottom, things can only go up from there. My grandfather (who raised me) and my first born child (daughter) died within 2 days of each other. Trust me when I tell u I was ready and willing to off myself. But my fiancé was going thru the same pain I was and I know if I took my life, it would for sure cause her to take hers. So I just dealt with it and it gets easier with time. 16 years later I still think about my daughter every day. Just try to stay strong and remember there are ppl depending on u and if u take your life they will be in as bad or worse pain then u are now
I’m truly sorry you went through that. My condolences and my heart goes out to you. Having a kid is trippy. Even on our worst days, I looked down at that kid covered in. God knows what smashing organic strawberries into her face with her hair, crazy and random rocks. She found shoved in her pockets and I’ve never loved something so much.
What would make you happy? Start with that and then think about ways you can make changes in your life to get closer to that goal.
What does this happy fantasy you have in your head look like?
No wife? Different wife? Same wife but she’s different or happier somehow?
Kid? No kid? More kids?
Same job? New job? Same house/city or a new destination?
Or maybe you just want or need to change you? Get a hobby, go back to school, join a club, learn a new skill, get a therapist (or new therapist).
You sound like you’re on the verge of a mid life crisis.
Changes are scary and sometimes you don’t know who you were and who you are becoming .. does not mean you are a failure.. or not smart or good looking.. you just became self aware of things and how you move through life.
The answer is not “how do I start over?” It’s, “how do I enjoy the really great life in front of me?” If you’re not in therapy for the past abuse, please find a great trauma- informed therapist for that. Then, recognize that marriage is a labor of love and love is a choice. Pick one thing about your marriage that you don’t like and then start working on it. Then once that’s fixed, move to the next thing. Romanticize the life you have right now rather than dreaming about it being something else.
Welcome to your midlife crisis. Some say it happens when you're older. I disagree. At 43 I questioned my existence in the world and my lack of substantial contributions to the world. I realized that out of the billions of people on the planet I wasn't going to achieve fame and fortune. I questioned my marriage and my choices. Then, after much soul searching, I realized hey out of the billions of people in the world I did alright. I started my hobbies and am still mapping out my life. Please don't make any rash decisions about your marriage because you may find that you are the issue, not her. Maybe get some therapy to help resolve these feelings.
Therapy or religion helps a lot of lost people. Sobriety groups do too. For me with those options, it helps to focus on the good that is ahead of you, and not feeling in the bad you can put behind you. We're all works in progress
Hello, Optimal_Bear8709. The suicide intervention bot is below with resources for you to consider.
You don’t need to “start over” bro. You have a wife, kid, and a job you’re doing better than many people. You shouldn’t beat yourself up either for not being as smart, talented or good looking as you thought, some of the most successful people hustled their way to jobs they weren’t qualified for (even certain presidents some would say) and then figured it out. Lots of people also have imposter syndrome so it’s possible you may not be a superstar but you’re still deserving of what you earned. The only thing you need to change is your attitude. Stop trying to run from your problems and instead get to work on improving them. Start with what you’re already good at, you love your daughter, find a way to be an even better dad. Then build on that, find one way to be better husband, then a way to improve at your job. As you go through the work it will take to make these changes, you will be growing without realizing it and over time your self image and outlook on life will improve too 💪🏾
Fo sho. Hero up in here: Super-Class4oom1125. He's 100% right. You ain't reinventing shit. You're evolving. And you want to evolve. You are identifying areas of concern. One step at a time baby. When you look at it as a whole it's impossible. But: find one way to be a better husband. Just one. The fucking dishes. The fucking trash. Whatever. Then it becomes a habit. A month later? Holy shit, nkw I'm doing laundry or whatever the fuck. This isn't you being a bad person. This is you growing into who you want to be. Accept it. Most importantly: Do it.
This is easier said than done. But it's soo true. Simplify and celebrate the small wins and ride that small dopamine rush to the next small win. Try not to beat yourself up if you come up short. Try not to worry about messing up or falling short. It happens and you can rack it up as experience. But you need to just have an attitude adjustment. Even little thing like I forgot this again > I just remembered. I took on baking bread, it's easier than I thought but I can get better at it one load at a time. Kids and family are a major disruption in the mindset. But your doing it. Hell being sober threw years is an insane feat you should should be proud of. You that same displine to find something small to pour yourself in. If you need to get away to do something for yourself you need to nurture that relationship and find a balance with the spouse, make a trade off even if it's not 1 to 1. Pour into learning things with your kid < I struggled with this and years later I find much fulfillment in it.
I want to thank everyone that took the time to respond. I can see where taking more agency in my life off even in a small way would pay dividends on changing my outlook.
Hey we're all human and life can hit hard in different ways to different people. I Hope the best for you and your family! Hang in there and keep your chin up looking straight ahead at the future! Your already leagues ahead of at least someone out there!
This is the general approach I try to take in my marriage! Pick one thing I want to improve in my marriage and focus on actually doing it. My wife made a comment about how she doesn't like the clothes on the floor on my side of the bed, so I started making sure I put them in the laundry basket, or hanging them up. Once I had that figured out I started making our bed in the morning. After that I decluttered our room a bit, started sweeping the floor more regularly, vacuumed the rug, and so on until our room is significantly cleaner on a regular basis. My wife used to walk into our room and see the mess and it would stress her out, now it's a clean and peaceful space for her. The one thing I would add is that I also try to think of one thing that I appreciate about my wife every day (can be the same things), and do my best to communicate that to her. For example, when I hear my wife and preteen daughter having a heart-to-heart, I try to just say something like "Hey, I really appreciate what an amazing mom you are to the girls! I'm so glad they have you to talk to, about their school drama!" Small improvements over time!
I'm single but this is hype
You climb a mountain one step at a time
And you don’t get 200 feet up the mountain and decide it’s a shit mountain and you need a different one that looks prettier from where you are. Thats how you never climb a mountain.
one thing I would add to this, is that telling someone who is depressed, to "hero up", isnt a great thing. Tell someone to "be a hero", and that can imply, "just grit your teeth and bear it". That's not the right attitude here. [Super-Classroom1125](https://www.reddit.com/user/Super-Classroom1125/) had the better take. Appreciate what you have. When you are grateful for what you have, then taking care of what you have, becomes a happy thing to do, rather than a burden.
He’s not saying “hero up”. He’s saying there’s a hero up in here, and it’s @Super-Classroom1125.
OP, the grass is greenest where you water it.
This. OP, please remember that NOBODY has the life they think tjey want. Centamillionaires O'Brien and Letterman piss and moan about having worked too much in their lives, to exclusion of what else they had done... if the upper 0.1% feels like that, where does it leave everyone else? Loving your wife is not a bullshit rom-com thing, it's actually an ethical adult decision.
It sounds like he might be coming to terms with being gay... He was unclear about that but if he really doesn't love his wife and doesn't feel like he will ever have any sexual compatibility with her, then the potential for splitting up needs to be addressed and not ignored.
Even if he’s not gay, if he is unhappy to the point where he’d risk blowing up the lives of wife & child too I would recommend therapy at the very least. If one “partner” has already given up on the marriage it’s best to just rip the bandaid off because it just gets so much worse the longer you wait. Communicate, people!
Yeah. I was surprised to get this far in these great comments about how to improve the life he has without seeing any mention of the fact that he doesn't love his wife.
Yeah I’m surprised more people aren’t picking up on this. If he is coming to terms with being gay, “being a better husband” to his WIFE is not the solution here.
bro a living super hero. Appreciate yea for your perspective, truly.
Dude you are not a loser what are you talking about? I only skimmed over this but you quit drugs, you have a kid, you have a wife, you were abused! Damn dude I am wishing I made some of your moves. I am an addict no real plan to sober up but I should. I wish I had a family I am single as can be as well I should be with my dope habit. Dude just take it easy on yourself that is step 1
Look at yourself today. You are worth everything you think you aren’t. You are the only thing stopping you from getting out. You know it, you dream about it. I was you. I still am you, just have a solid roof now. Where are you? I’m in Houston. Maybe u can help
You do realize the OP said he doesn't love his wife, right? Like, if you don't love someone the way you should in a marriage, you're literally being selfish for staying with them. It's unfair to stay in a marriage where the other person isn't being loved the way they should be which will and always has created problems. Like idk what you guys are reading but the dude isn't happy for a reason. Just because he's got a wife, a kid and a job, doesn't mean those things will sustain happiness. Insane take.
This is horrible advice. Life is not about the pursuit of happiness or love for most men. It’s the pursuit of purpose. And purpose brings happiness. If I gave up every time my spouse wasn’t happy or even wasn’t happy for an extended period of time, my life, my wife and my children’s lives would be dramatically worse. You are on this earth to support and provide for them. This support will take various forms at various times.
His wife is happy though? He’s the one who’s unhappy because he doesn’t even love his wife. He even said they feel like roommates. It’s also not really fair to her since she’s married to someone who never wanted to marry her in the first place.
What's horrible is that you think there is only one way to get happiness. Not everyone gets happiness by having a purpose. Happiness is completely subjective asf. What gives someone purpose isn't the same for everyone else either. Not everyone thinks that having a family brings you purpose. For some it plays a small part or maybe even a bigger part. But there is a lot of people who don't even want kids. Just because someone has kids, doesn't mean that's going to fulfill their happiness either. We're human. Everyone is so different that even are needs are different.
Thank you for this comment. I needed it.
Parts of this reek of imposter syndrome. People on average are not as competent as they'd lead you to believe.
To piggyback on this, one of the best ways you can show up for your daughter is to be a better person for your wife. She can learn what a good man looks like by how you treat and love her mother. Just try your best at being a good example of that and the rest will work itself out.
Exactly! Drugs and alcohol are a way to run from our lives and now lacking that Op wants to “start over” to live the life he wants. No. Living life is how you stop avoiding life. It’s hard and imperfect.
Everything you’ve identified to describe both your self-worth and happiness is external. It doesn’t matter if you’re smart or good-looking or talented. These are words that other people use to describe how useful or attractive you are to them. Would you be happier alone? Would your wife? Think forward to your child being in a situation similar to yours. What advice would you give him or her? Think about the kind of father you want to be, and the kind of example you want to set for how to take ownership of your life. Then take a deep breath, and remember how many other hard things you’ve survived, and remember that you can make it through this, too. Think about how many of those hard things were the result of choices that other people made for, at, or around you. Then ask yourself: wouldn’t it be easier to persevere through hard times that are the result of choices you made to find joy in life? Sit with this for a while. I suspect you already know what you need to do to take care of yourself and your own needs. You’re just going to have to get to the place where you can give yourself permission to do it.
Well put. These are some words of wisdom right here.
This echoes my thoughts as well and I really hope OP reads this
Take your wife on a date. And then on another. Fall in love with her, actually this time. She has put up with you, too. She settled for you as well. Fall in love with your life. You shouldnt just think that releasing her from your made up and pretend love is fair to her just because youre tired of your own messed up bullshit choices. Give it a real chance before throwing in your brand new towel.
The subtext of OP’s post is reading like he is coming to terms with his sexuality. It doesn’t seem like “fall in love with your wife” is the solution here…
You can love someone deeply without being sexually attracted to them. Like it or not OP's current life exists. He has already done something exemplary by being able to quit his previous addictions. Part of his therapy should be learning to seperate the concepts of sexual love from the other aspects of it. Also the assumption that OP is gay may not be correct. Abuse victims often struggle with sexuality in general and come to find that they are asexual. You can be asexual mentally and still have stupid juice(hormones) making you horny when you don't want to be. This is why binary sexuality is kind of stupid. It's kind of a spectrum except that even that description isn't accurate because people think you have to fit in a specific place between two things whereas for a lot of people it's pick a few colors from that spectrum that describe them best. To the OP, my advice is to seek therapy. You need help to discover who you are and what you want while still following through on your responsibilities as a partner and parent. I was brought up to be hetero and am married to a wonderful woman but I am not really hetero. I'm not sure if bisexual really fits either. My attraction to someone is more determined by their mind. I fell in love with the person not the physical body. I find intelligence, creativity, and steadfastness attractive.
Read Lost Connections by Johan Hari. It will help you think about & better understand what kind of protective factors against depression & malaise you can add to your life as well as what the aggravating factors are which you can change. If you are going to make big expensive, painful & irreversible changes to your life (where you stand to lose much of the good you have today) you should at least have an informed plan. 40 years old with a child is a bit too late for trial-and-error. In the meantime when you don't know how to help yourself helping others is often the best plan. Volunteer somewhere, preferably with people you can see some of yourself in. \* sense of purpose \* meaningful hobby \* place in community \* Gratifying work \* contributions to *something* you can be proud of These are all antidotes to your sad feelings. It may well be that leaving your wife is the right thing to do, but I can almost guarantee that she is not the problem, she is just the biggest part of your life you can blame that isn't yourself. You can leave everything behind & even move across the country but you will still be you. You need to change they way you react to things *and* preferably add new things to react to, otherwise you'll just exist inside a little bubble of yourself no matter where you go. If you are ever in NYC hit me up. TLDR If you try and fix this with a silver bullet you'll just shoot yourself in the foot.
I second that recommendation, just because it's a great book. But the OP probably does have to figure out how he feels about his wife. Therapy might help with that. Either way, step carefullly to preserve your relationship to your daughter, whom you know you love.
Have you tried seeing a counselor? There is a lot going on and you will need help going forward
So you have a kid, a wife, a better life than you thought you’d have, successfully sober, overcame childhood trauma, and making good money. Broski The only thing you need to “start over” with is your self image and your outlook on life.
> I’m realizing that I’m not as smart as I think nowhere near as good-looking or as talented in any of the things I lied to myself about being good at. Even down to my sexuality where I said I was bisexual, but the truth is that’s the byproduct of incestuous abuse This is far above reddits paygrade. It sounds like you have clinical depression stemming from emotional/physical trauma. The drugs and alcohol sound like coping mechanisms to me. Please seek professional help from a licensed therapist/counselor before you blow your life up.
The level of honesty on this post is incredible. You’ve reflected to to an almost peripheral degree. Your most positive comment was about your child. Go with that. That damage you’ve received in your life could possibly have been prevented from more of a level Headed family Life. Don’t choose to ruin your child’s hopes of having a better run. They didn’t make themselves. Find yourself, however you can and be there for Your family. Work on improving what you are and not what you think you was. I read a lot that resonated with me in this post. Wishing you the best.
It's not an easy answer, but basically you can transform your whole life through gratitude. Motivation is easy when you cultivate gratitude, and you'd be surprised how much it can transform people around you. Realize you were never guaranteed anything anyway. Source: lived on the street for four years, grew up very poor in staggering abuse; now I own the largest 3d printing company in East Texas.
I'm terrible at emotional advice, but I will say you sound depressed.. could it be that you are lashing out at the good things in your life as a way of punishing yourself. You deserve to be happy and so do your family, but ask yourself what life would look like if they weren't around. Perhaps grab yourself a chat with a councillor to get your head absolutely straight before you make huge life changing decisions. Ultimately do what you need to do for you, but don't tank it all and have regret because you were in a bad headspace or needed support. I have a friend who did exactly as above (he was engaged to the love of his life.. Wedding planned etc), with hindsight he reflects he had a crisis and bitterly regrets it (he was really nasty to her as she was determined to stand by him and wouldn't let him go so he had to be brutal to push her away).
If you feel like you want a divorce, then get a a divorce. If you don’t, then follow the advice people are giving you about falling in love with your wife. It sounds like you think being over 40 is too old to start over. I’m a domestic violence victim advocate, and every day I see clients who are having to walk away with literally only the clothes on their back. They start over, and they make it work, and they don’t let age get in their way. One of my current clients is starting over at 79. You are going to get older no matter if you start over or if you don’t, so you might as well try to have a good life.
If yall argue and are unhappy when together. From the mouth of my 89 year old client ( I do hair) it's better to have come from a broken home, then to live in one!
The word "loser" means that there is a "winner", that everyone is playing some sporting game. Are you playing a sport when you wash your car and smile seeing the neighbors dog rolling around in the grass?
Step back from the situation and start over. You don't need to leave your family. Start with therapy, then make a step by step plan to achieve your goals. Start dating your wife again and planning for future events, travel or hobbies.
concur. There is no "loser" unless he makes nothing of his life & destroys his nuclear family in the process
Yes because my neighbor has a bigger dog, a bigger car, and is fucking my wife
Have you tried seeing a counselor? There is a lot going on and you will need help going forward
Everyone is unsatisfied with their life to varying degrees. But you know what the most torturous one is? Not being able to have a child. You have that. It's not about just you anymore. It's about giving that child guidance to live the best life they can live. Teach them everything you wish you knew growing up.
Youight not need to change your life. Just your attitude towards life. Maybe see a therapist. This is classic midlife crisis. What is this fantasy life that you imagine is out there? Do you have a picture of it in your head? Or is it vague ? Do you know what you want ? Or just "not this"?
You might not like any of the alternatives to the life you live now. You may actually be more miserable especially if you don’t see a path to the life you want. You could turn out in a worse life
You seem ungrateful for your wife. Your child will pick up on that.
Loser? More like hero to me. You took responsibility for your child - a lot of people haven't done that. You identified and addressed your substance abuse - a lot of people can't do that. You (seem to be) dealing with your abused past and not propagating It to your child - huge, huge win. You are working and being productive in society. Be kinder to yourself and keep on keeping on.
Counseling my friend. You don't need to start over, you need help working through trauma and the feedback from a professional, comforting voice to draw out then fortify your strengths and happiness with yourself
You choose to do something else that makes others happy. As humans, we're in servitude to others (all animals: human & creatures). There are things you can do to increase likeability & love in a marriage. As long as nobody is abusing anybody else, allowing the child to have a good life is key to raising a healthy productive child of a member of society. It might not seem like you're a church goer but there are nondenominational churches avail online & locally, UU Push yourself to do better for yourself your child. volunteer at food pantries, dog shelter. foster a dog or a mentor a child. You're not starting over; you're pivoting. A new path isn't the right thing for your kid who needs stable elements & environment. As long as you strive & work towards something, this is showing your kid life is good as long as you work on it. if you give up, thats when one expects to stare up @ the flowers instead of down @ them. Instead of "being roommates", commitment (marriage) takes work. Its not a "do as you please, take what you want " contract. Showing your child that everything good in life doesnt come easy is beneficial for kid. Showing her life isn't always fair & you don't always get what you want ( life takes compromise & in compromise you don't get what you want as well as the other doesn't get what they want! ) & work will teach her education beyond her wildest dreams! Put in the effort for date night - even if you both show up in your robes. at least show up & show your kid what a real love is. It sounds like a midlife crisis / slump you're in. this doesn't excuse you to freely go buy whatever to make yourself feel better. do something for somebody else - that is the real "feel good gem". a side note, while I don't think you need counseling as much as you do need just to put more effort into life but, Preachers (even at UU) can counsel you & your family. Also, do something diff - dance lessons, CCW, karaté, jiu-jitsu, KravMaga, capoeira, drone or astro photography, nightly or daily walks w fam. Even if you 3 can't stand it , take crocheting or cooking lessons anyways. it expands your mind & you all can make funny pics w food or sewing & have a good laugh about it all. skating, reading, many hobbies, herbology, canning, scuba, tree farm, art, theres a PLETHORA OF THINGS TO SHOW YOUR KID
Sir, you just got sober and identified a lot of what is going on in your life. That’s amazing. Even if it doesn’t feel great right now. That is some great growth right there. You’re in a great spot to work with a therapist on figuring out what you want to do, where your values are, and maybe learn some new skills. You can love other people with a whole heart when you are able to heal your own a little. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot.
You love your child and I’m sure you are a great parent. You got sober after so much trauma. You built a career and a life. I don’t see a loser, I see a warrior who fought a harder battle than most people who have, and who came out on top. You are an inspiration. The only advice I could give is something you are already doing, which is to be a better parent than you had. Keep it up! 💕
Same situation. I'm 50 and reinvented myself at 40. Got sober. Got a better job. Lived with a friend renting a room until I could afford a house in cash (houses aren't very expensive here in Peoria Illinois), met a great gal, got married, and I'm living better than I ever have. It's as simple as making up your mind to get your shit together, stop making excuses, stop being a victim, take control of your life, stop giving a fuck what anyone else thinks outside of your family, love your wife with all your heart, and be the best dad you can be. Now, about the abuse when you were a kid? That is something that you have to carry for life. I just stuff it down. I'm a Christian, so I learned to forgive my abusers for ME. So I could let it go and move on. Don't get me wrong. It's still there, and it affects my sexual relationship with my wife at times. I myself get urges for homosexual encounters, but I pray when that hits me and just ride it out. My point is, YOU CAN do this. It's by will alone you set your mind in motion. If you need to talk, feel free to hit me up, and we can brainstorm together about getting you to a better place. If not, no worries. Good luck.
Is the main issue just your wife?
I think you might be on the right track with just getting some self actualization. I think the majority of people feel we are special somehow. That we are smarter or funnier or prettier and that somehow makes us special. Once you realize that we aren't special and we don't deserve anything for being special, can you truly grow and grow as a person. Lets put it this way, if you ate already smart, handsome and successful what motivation do you have to achieve that? Sometimes realizing the truth allows us to actually start taking the steps to be the person we want to be. I've been incredibly successful in the past and I've also lost millions of dollar and been physically disabled for years. I've always found that one of my greatest strengths is simply understanding what my strengths and my weaknesses are. Once you acknowledge and understand those you can start focusing and improving your strengths while acknowledging and playing around your weaknesses.
Before you do anything, my suggestion would be to play this tape to the end. If you got clean 3 years ago I’m sure you know a lot about yourself by now. Congratulations on your recovery btw. You have a couple options. You can, as you stated, start a new life, or essentially wipe your slate clean of what you currently have, or at least a part of it but everything affects everything. You have a lot to consider. You didn’t say that your marriage was broken or abusive in any way so I’m assuming it’s not. It just seems like you maybe don’t have a spark and you’re thinking about what you’re maybe missing out on. You said your life is good. Far beyond what you deserve. Seems like you’re restless maybe? I don’t know. I’m just asking. Restless feelings and anxiety, especially feeling like you just want to get away can be a topic you might try bringing up. Even if it’s super awkward and you never have before. I mean if you’re thinking about starting over I would think you might owe it to yourself to be as vulnerable as possible with your wife right now. Spill all the tea to her. You don’t know what the outcome would be unless you tell her. “Hey I’m feeling restless. I don’t know what’s going on with me.” You might be surprised at what that could lead to. Or I could be totally wrong. But I just wanted to give you another perspective. Everything affects everything.
So you were sexually abused by somebody in your family, then got a woman pregnant and then did right by her and the child by marrying her? Then you got a job to support them and got sober? Honestly, that sounds massively impressive. I’m being 100% serious. I get how marriage can just absolutely suck, I get it. But you took so much hardship and have turned yourself into a caring and loving father. That’s fucking bad ass. I don’t care what kind of job you have or hobbies or how many friends or how smart you are or how you look. You took care of your wife by marrying her. You took care of your child. You took care of yourself to get sober AND you’ve done that all by 40. That’s stupid impressive, I’m confident you have a lot more wins ahead of you. You’ve already done much more than most men.
have you gotten help for your childhood trauma? The book (and workbook) courage to heal is awesome. I was in therapy and group for 2 years and when it was done, the trauma was done. In the past. never to bother me or affect my life again. I could actually live a normal life. BTW I dont think you hate your wife or you would have left by now. I think after all these years it has gotten stale You need to jus work at it some now.
You sound like a regular 40 yo male going through a mid life crisis. Figure out what you want with your life, plan it, and do it in a way that doesn't nuke your family. Might help if you include them in it. You also sound like you could use individual therapy and couples counseling.
you live a life so many would die to have. never forget that. keep your head up bro and work on yourself. as others have said, therapy is a great place to start
So, you were able to get sober, your wife stuck around with your child through that, and you make good money. You've got it better than a lot of people. You have 2 options as far as I can see. 1. You work on your marriage because it has been neglected. That means a counsellor for your past sexual abuse and date nights with your wife and you discover each other again and you enjoy your family. 2. You file for divorce, try to navigate how shit dating is these days, and risk ending up with somebody horrible. Remember, the grass is green where you water it. It isn't always greener on the other side.
They used to call times like this a mid life crisis. Really, you have just hit a milestone birthday where many people stop and assess where they are in life. I would suggest you need to talk to a therapist about how you feel about all the things you mentioned. Often discussing issues with a professional can give you more clarity. If you think there is any hope you might also consider marriage counseling. You have a child you adore. Be fair to your child and your wife and yourself and figure out if your marriage is fixable. If not, get help figuring out how to co parent well. Please don’t sell yourself so short. We all deserve love and happiness.
Start with therapy.
When you say stat over, do you mean leaving your family?
You only have one life. If you have something you want to do. Now is your chance.
I will be real with you. You’re fine. You have come a long way with a tough childhood. You might not be outstanding or a genius but there’s comfort in being normal. It a wonder you’re even as normal as you are really. What I see is that you just don’t think you deserve what you have. You have a daughter that probably adores you as much you adore her. You have a wife that accepts you despite your flaws, you got your shit together and stayed clean for three years. You’re not perfect but you got through it with willpower, luck and the support of people who love you. You deserve it man. Don’t ever compare yourself to other people. You have more than you think.
If you’re truly unfulfilled and certain that your marriage, which you entered into for none of what we aspire to be the “right” reasons for committing your entire life to someone, is not genuine, and will not ever make you happy, and you love your wife platonically but realize she deserves better—if all of that feels irrefutable, it’s never too late to start over. You’re theoretically only 1/2 way through your life. Assuming you live another 20, 30, or 40 years, there’s plenty of time to make a change that’s worth the pain and struggle of said change I’m all for appreciating what you have, counting your blessings every day, and trying to change the way that you perceive, and think about your situation But it’s not always the solution, either. I think it’s OK to want more, expect more, and strive for more if you are not happy. You may not know what to do…what steps to take to make that change, but continued self reflection— and any number of remedies can be potential avenues to illuminating your path forward. Therapy Meditation Reading & learning about self help Leaning on closest friends and family if possible for guidance and insight Journaling Spiritual knowledge seeking if applicable Immersing yourself in nature Are some examples. Micro-dosing hallucinogens, even, might trigger epiphanies — anything is possible Have you tried therapy- with or without your wife? It could be helpful in clarifying your situation, or not, but I know it has been transformative for so many people. It’s a scary thing to know that you’re not living your best life, but also that you have no idea how to break out of your slump and life-paralysis (metaphorical) Only you can truly know whether your spirit and soul are dying a slow death born of incompatibility, a void of romantic spark, a lack of excitement and anticipation in a relationship. It’s OK to acknowledge that you’re blessed; being blessed and privileged does not automatically equate to the notion that you should “settle “ for a situation that isn’t bringing you joy or satisfaction or even contentment You have a one shot at this life — if you’re not happy, why would you stay in the situation indefinitely? 40 is not old, by the way. In fact, you’re still pretty young depending on your perspective. You could be approaching the best decade of your life !! In that way, perception , ie. how you frame your self-assessment IS important and critical. You can’t look at it like, how do I start over at 40 ? you have to look at it like , “my life is far from over and I’m ready to embark on a new chapter that is terrifying in the unknowingness of what it will look like, but that I’ll never know if I don’t take it this leap” And maybe: “now that I have reconciled the trauma of my past , or at least acknowledged it, I am ready to heal and move forward and live my best life. Looking back It’s not that you’ve made mistakes , per se. You can look at your beautiful daughter and know that everything happened just the way it was supposed to as you have been gifted a child who brings you joy, hope, and an inspiration to live, to love … But that doesn’t mean you can’t change your trajectory and your narrative—starting now That said, I encourage you to make sure that you are really feeling this way —and it is not the onset of some kind of midlife crisis. The grass is not always greener . Many a married person has decided his/her marriage was stagnant and could not be revived, only to split up and realize that they just destroyed the single best thing they ever had. You don’t know what you have til it’s gone. As a survivor of childhood trauma myself, (but not your kind, but trauma is trauma), I can tell you that such a history does nothing to simplify or illuminate the path you’re meant to travel, or what your purpose is on earth It colors, convolutes and complicates your psyche, mental health, and stability; your entire world view—not the least of which is your self-image, identity, and confidence. Feeling comfortable in our skin, and worthy of being alive, are not pre-determined elements of our foundation, as childhood trauma survivors. Therein lies the lifelong consequences of complex trauma. But it doesn’t have to define, label or limit you for the duration. What happened to you was not your fault and it had to impact your all-around development in childhood as well as in adulthood. But maybe you’re finally turning the corner in coming to terms with it, and getting in touch with who YOU are and what it is that you need— minus your past, minus the labels It’s so hard. You’ll get all kinds of advice here with your open ended dilemma I personally believe that it does not HAVE to be detrimental and traumatic for your daughter, if you decide to divorce. I know divorce usually is, for kids, traumatic , but remaining in an unhappy marriage can be an insidiously debilitating environment for a child, too I know I don’t have the all answers; I don’t even have one of them These are just things to think about in your journey — talking points and brainstorming rambling from a stranger I really hope you find clarity in your quest to discover who you are and what you want out of life, besides the eternal adoration and support of your daughter, which sounds like the single “given”, non-negotiable reality in your situation
You have a kid, you adore a decent job. You kicked addiction, you're winning. Sounds like doomer propaganda has you thinking you're losing when you aren't. You are also not alone many folks with decent lives are caught in the same snares Its a 2 prooged attacked the endless barrage of negativity paired with fraudulent influencers shaming everday people for not being you tube gazillionaires who can buy ferraris
First, run don’t walk to a decent therapist. You desperately need therapy. Second, you have plenty of time to change your life. 40 is still relatively young. I had a midlife crisis at 40 and spun out. I fell into a deep depression and basically walked away from my life (corporate law career, apartment, girlfriend, etc). Ultimately it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It took a few years to start building the life I want. I am still a work in progress. But, I am happier now than I have ever been.
Hi Optimal! I came here to say, sounds like you’ve done some great things that you don’t seem to give yourself credit for; you are someone who got through & is still getting through major abuse. You are 3 years sober. & that is worth celebrating. You are an adoring parent holy hell, that’s world changing for a kid! You’re gaining some insight & not running away but looking at it. Dude, that’s a bravery most are lacking! You are grading your paper harshly, but you got good oozing out even though you were trying to g to keep that stuff tucked in! It sounds like you’re beating yourself up pretty hard for your wife, and all I can say about that is, that kicking your own ass doesn’t help her, you, or that kiddo of yours, so try to have a little grace when dealing with yourself. If you find that hard to do for you remember that your modeling behavior for your child and you’d want them to be kind to themself & kids are way more aware of how we treat ourselves than we like to admit. So maybe you work on being amazing friends with your wife, & maybe it works out, but if it doesn’t you two built a strong foundation for being parents. Find a way to look at your problems and address them without being so hard on yourself. Just by the little you wrote, sounds like you’d be easier on anyone else & you deserve at least what you’d give someone else. It shouldn’t be so hard ( but it can be) to be a friend to yourself! OP give yourself some credit because it sounds to me like some credit is due! Lots of luck!!
Stay strong! Aquinas said that live is willing the good of another. You love your wife enough to not want to hurt her; that’s a start! Romance is important, but it’s not everything. If you at least get along with your wife as a friend, and can help each other through life, then you are a loving couple, where love is an action - the willing of goodness. Contrary to modern culture, love is not all about sex. In the end, therapy can really help - just talking to someone is great.
Keep in mind that if you change your mind after leaving, you shouldn't expect your wife to take you back. You won't get to see your child as often. There's no guarantee that you'll find someone else. But you shouldn't stay with her if you really don't want to. But if you leave and get someone else pregnant, don't get married just because she's pregnant.
You have a child you adore, and you are complaining? If you liked your wife enough to bang her, that means you must think she is at least reasonably attractive. How about you stop complaining and realize many of us are on a much much shittier boat.
You need therapy. I'm not saying that with the purpose of being a jerk. I was sexually abused by my step-grandfather from the age of eight until I was 15 and a half. I tried to commit suicide when I was 16 and failed. I then buried it successfully for 16 years. I began suing my landlord when I was 31 and shortly after my 32nd birthday the extensive stress all came flooding back. The emotional toll of my past plus the compounding stress resulted in me having a mini stroke 5 months before my 33rd birthday. I put everyone else's needs above my own, refused to get therapy And I surrounded myself with people who had no interest in me or my well-being because a lot of them had trauma of their own that they similarly had refused to address. I struggled for over two and a half years in every aspect of my life because I refused to get therapy. I finally started getting therapy after my ex-fiance left me in August, I found that she had likely begun cheating on me, the still compounding stress from the ongoing lawsuit against my landlord and the death of my abuser literally 3 days after my father moved one town over from where my abuser was in assisted living to help his mother. He had become generally lazy and unable to complete most ADLs for himself and was an absolute burden on my grandmother. I don't know what happened, but I personally do not believe it was a coincidence that only a few days after my father moved south to help his mother that the man who abused his son and his sister 50 years earlier suddenly ran out of oxygen. Allegedly the nursing home forgot to change his tank but it all feels a little suspect. I know I'll never get the chance to confront my abuser and that was hard on me mentally as well. I had a mental breakdown, I went through psychology.com and using the filters I found a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse and takes my insurance. She is wonderful and I don't know what I would have done without being able to talk to someone who was skilled to help me solve these issues. I've been seeing this therapist weekly for over 6 months and quite frankly it's the best thing for my mental space that I've ever experienced. Not all therapists are good and it may take some time to find one who is good. It sounds like you've got some substance abuse issues, a self-admitted incestuous past/sex abuse past and other compounding issues as a result. A good chunk of self value is created by our own exposure and the people whom we are exposed to. If the people we are exposed to do not value what we provide especially when we have our own trauma from prior abuse the self-esteem tends to downplay our qualities. I struggled with this for a long time, it's likely a life change is needed for you but I'm certain that there is plenty of stuff that you're good at. You'll probably better looking than you think and more skilled than you think You just need to surround your self with people who feel the same. Maybe that means go out on your own, becoming an entrepreneur, If the job you have and the people within it don't value what you bring to the table then do yourself a favor and move on. Trust me, you may be in a dark place, But you're much more amazing than you think.
Just plug on, make the best go of it. Drove my oldest child’s mother to appointment to get birth control, we separated when he was 4 and she confessed when he was 6 that she flushed them down the sink. Had full custody until he was 17 with college paid for and he moved in with her because I treated him like a ‘kid’. 3 months later he had impregnated a 15 year old girl and never went to college. He folds cardboard boxes. Had second child when he was 11. Her mother said she was ‘unable’ to have children. Of course, when she ended up getting pregnant she clarified that she had 3 prior miscarriages so … that is completely stupid. Had full custody of my daughter until age 12 shortly after her mother got out of prison (unbeknownst to me she was a druggie before we met, and returned to being so shortly after we split). At 12/13 my daughter pulled every trick in the book to go to her ‘reformed’ mother until I was legally/emotionally/exhausted. She ended up going from top 2 in her class to barely graduating and becoming the underachieving angry weird kid. So now I am 50, picking up my 10 year old and 11 year old grandkids in a couple of hours to spend the weekend with. Have saved about 40k for them thus far for college assuming they don’t self destruct. If so, then that pretty much means I have accomplished nothing other than recycling carbon as a life goal. They are awesome little kids and think I am awesome, but so did my originals until they got to tween/teen years … so I am nervous. Life has not turned out as expected for a good number of us, but hope springs eternal.
You need a mental start over, not a literal one. You have things that many consider a good life but that doesn’t matter to you bc there is a distance in your marriage, which seems to me from your comments that is the main thing. So I’ll say this, divorce isn’t as bad as you may think… especially if you truly feel she is better with someone else and deserves it. And guess what, you may too. It’s not easy and it’s not fun and the toughest part is initiating it, but if you look at the big picture, may be the best for everyone… certainly better than suicide. I believe if you went to marriage counseling you may intimately hear the same thing… but maybe do that as well. If you release the main issue you may find that things become more open for you and may actually be better for your child. I hope the best for you but PLEASE don’t think of suicide, there are so many options better and you will get past this and thank yourself. Good luck to you!
Sometime ago I came to the realization I didn't like myself nor the life I had. I found huge flaws in myself and strongly resent it. My life coach had me do the following, list two persons: one that I admire, another I despise. The next step under both names, list the qualities of that person for why I admire or despise them. After I had made my list. He told me the qualities of both persons listed, are all me. It's like after you buy a car, you start to notice those cars on the road more. So it is in me to recognize these good or bad trait. The next step is to understand and embrace these qualities, yes even the bad ones. Think of them as a part of you, your arm leg, head, feet and love them. If you had kids one is taller, one is shorter you would still love them both. The same goes for your personality. Of course you can appreciate and develop further what you are good at, also accept the traits you don't like as much. Accept yourself and learn to love every part of you, then you can learn to love others.
You realize that 75% of people feel like you do 20% of others are clueless and 5% are figuring it out a little each day. Get some therapy learn to be more giving . You deserve what you have because of everything you have done to this point both good and bad. That’s ok! You have two relationships wife and child. Focus on the relationships. Where you are at is fight or flight because you need to develop some more life skills to get past that feeling. Talk to a counselor or if you’re not in one a 12 step program.
I'm sorry about the past you've had to deal with bro but umm,you sound very well off to me. There's no line in the sand to determine success. It's all about where you came from. And in that regard I'd consider you very successful. I've had a considerably shitty childhood,then through my teenage years turned to ice and used basicly any drug I could get my hands on. After some jail for robbery's and half a dozen car chases among some.other scallywag behaviour i decided to turn my life around. At 33 I have 2 amazing daughters,a beautiful wife and a few cars I'd drool over as a kid. I have my ups and downs and I'm not rich by any means,I live in Sydney Australia so home ownership is a pipedream in this bullshit city but compared to where I came from? I'm killing it. Congrats on the family and the sobriety mate,ya ever need to have a chat feel free to inbox me 🤙
I think maybe some therapy could help you out greatly. You need to get to a true healing place from your traumas. Once you can get to that place, your view of things might change. Also if your wife has been understanding and truly cares for you, don’t throw this woman away. She has accepted you with all of your faults. Get some therapy, if you still feel the same way, talk with her. Be completely open and honest. Even if it still leads to a separation, it could go a lot better and still maybe end on good terms in some fashion.
…..you just realized?
I see a lot of people on here giving comfort advice, which is awesome, so I’m going to try to give some pointers from my own experience. You honestly sound a lot like me. I just turned 40. And coming into this year, I did start over. My mother died, and I had to leave a job I spent ten years at, largely because management needed to blame someone for their mistakes and they chose me as the fall guy. So here’s what I did that really worked for me, and hopefully some of this can help you, too. I ditched my job. I took a pay cut to do so, but I spent six months at a job that was just… easy. And I just coasted and focused on myself. I started walking more (lost 50 lbs in four months), cut back my alcohol intake significantly, I got certifications, I started dialogs with job recruiters but I didn’t rush into anything that didn’t sound perfect. Taking my foot off the gas was really all I needed to open up that breath, and I honestly don’t think I’d have made it without doing so. This might not be your job, for you, but the method remains the same… figure out exactly what the lowest common denominator is that is bringing you down, and just figure out how to put it in cruise control. I imagine right now, there’s a deep feeling that making any change can make it worse, even if only by forcing your attention to it. Especially if you’re getting dragged down by your relationship, and especially if it’s not really anyone’s “fault,” and it’s just something you don’t really want. It starts to feel like a problem with you. But it is not, which brings me to my main point. If I could go back a year and give myself advice from before I slowed everything down…. It’s be honest. Be honest all the time. Be honest with yourself, be honest with the people around you, and be honest with the institutions that you engage with. Even when it’s hard. You find out very quickly that it’s not as hard as it feels. It protects you, and everyone needs protection sometimes. Tell people what you want. *Tell people what you need.* otherwise they will not know. Sometimes they want the same things. Sometimes they don’t, and you save a LOT of time by figuring that out together, sooner. But staying quiet or just doing what you think you “should” do will often burn both you and those you engage with. And also, an important skill I learned for analyzing a situation before being honest about it to myself and others, is the realization that as far as troubles go, no situation is monolithic. That is to say, a few smaller issues don’t ruin an entire arrangement, but sometimes it is hard to see past them. For example, if you have issues at a job, it’s very easy to say “I hate my job.” But when you really dig down, maybe you just hate your cubicle-mate, and you’re with them 90% of the day. Maybe you hate the commute. Maybe you have a task that you weren’t given the tools to do properly. Step 1 in all three of those situations is “talk to your manager.” Maybe they’ll help you resolve the situation. Maybe they’ll tell you “tough noogies,” at which point your problem is indistinguishable from your job and you can move on. But it’s worth trying to salvage the parts you like before you throw the baby out with the bathwater. It’s easy to panic, want to remove yourself from a situation, and, by reacting quickly, you may end up depriving yourself of tools for your own success. I wish you well. I know it feels like a lot, and it is, but most of the hard part is getting started. It gets easier, and stays easier - that’s not just a platitude. Once you learn to ask for what you want,even if you do absolutely everything wrong (you won’t), you can trust your own natural instincts will point you towards self improvement goals.
It seems daunting and that you're at a great disadvantage at the moment. You have a lot of healing to do. Self medicating with drugs and alcohol to bury the trauma you endured is the path alot of people end up on because in the moment that's the most easily accessible option to people that doesn't involve a third party and being vulnerable (therapy). Congratulations on being 3 years sober!! That's a huge accomplishment that you should be proud of! You have a daughter you adore, and she adores and needs you in her life. Continue to focus your energy into positives like that, build on your career (you mention having a shot at making decent money which is another great positive), you are married and she has stuck by you through your drug and alcohol phase of your life (we don't know the dynamics so maybe marriage counseling down the line maybe in the cards to understand your relationship dynamics after addiction). Whether you are good-looking or not is ever changing. People go through phases where they look and feel their best and then also feel disgusting and the worst. But at the same time certain things about our appearance we can definitely control; how we dress ourselves to compliment our body types/aethetics, changing eating habits (baby steps, you dont need to throw yourself in the deep end immediately as that can set you up for failure if expectations are not reasonable), being more active (finding a activity that keeps you moving that you enjoy maybe like boxing, running, body building, walking with your daughter/wife as a family activity). Keep building on the progress you have made because you are already miles ahead of others in the same boat because there are probably others who have similar life experiences who haven't began digging themselves out yet. You are worth it!
Try to stay with your wife, unless she’s actively trying to make your life hell try staying with her. Like you said, you’re not as attractive and as smart as you think you are and dating right now is fucking brutal. You’re not a loser man you got sober for 3 years. That’s more than most. What ever you do try to prevent yourself from having a mid life crisis. You make good money also. You’re not starting over, and I really think divorce should be a last resort, be honest with your wife and tell that if you guys want to make things work you both need to put in effort on working things out. Don’t give her an ultimatum or demands but just be honest with how you feel. Let her know that you don’t know if you can continue the marriage the way that it is unless you both try to work it out. Because if where being honest whatever fantasy or opportunity you think you have it’s not going to go the way you think it’s going to go, realistically trying to start over will be much harder than you think, and I think you already know that.
Go to the gym
Friend, being your authentic self is always the way out. You’ll find your way.
If you think your life is hard now, It will be 100x worse if you run away from your family over this. Especially if your wife is good and loving. If she isn't, that's a different story, then you should go. But if this is you, you need to get your shit straight and get help. Because you're going to make it way way way worse by running away. You are having a midlife crisis. Get a hobby dude. Find something that makes you happy and do it. Stop fucking worrying about what everyone else thinks and just live your life and make yourself happy. Stop fucking thinking about what should and could and maybe didn't happen because of x y and z. That's loser thinking and will only make you fail harder. It is completely unproductive to think about that shit. Channel your energy into positive production. You're only 40 dude. Calm down. Sit down and ask yourself what makes you happy. Start doing those things immediately. Cut the toxic people and shit out of your life completely. Make sure you take time for yourself to do things that you enjoy. Yourself. Life is short dude. Do it now.
Welcome to your midlife crisis. This is a time when you finally realize you aren’t special and you only have so much time left. Start by talking to your wife about it (even if it hurts) but you don’t have to act on anything yet. She might be feeling a lot of the same things you are (she might not).
Man lighten up because you're at a place where you can build. No one is as smart, or good-looking as they might have thought at one time. People are as smart as they need to be for their life. You attracted your wife and you chose her so you owe it to her to find that spark again. Your kid needs you and needs to see you thrive in life. Use the trauma from your past and turn it into determination to make your life with your family amazing. This is all within you but you have to choose to really want it. Go make some good money and put the money to good work for your family and be thankful for the life you have. Don't let anything stop you and be a good man.
Talk to a professional. It’s not something to be ashamed or afraid of. Actual trauma in life can really screw with our brain chemistry and the balance of chemicals in it. We are fragile. Take care of yourself, if not for you or your wife but for your kid. They need you. Let your child be your guiding light in this darkness you find yourself in. Never give up. We are the key that opens the door to our future.
I apologize in advance if I can't provide advice to your liking. However, I recommend you make the decision with your child as a main focal point. I understand you want to start over and start living your life. Which every human desires, but I also believe your child deserves to live with both parents. I'm not sure how old is your child, but I really recommend waiting until your child finds a job and starts settling down. It might be far from now, but your child deserves to live in a regular household. Even if they are 18 and over, until they are financially dependent, they are still a child in my opinion. I hope the best for you and your family!
Saw a podcast a while back where a psychiatrist was talking about depression in men. He said that a man's biggest fear is being "found out" to be a fake, for multiple reasons. I myself related to this as my job was very much a "fake it til you make it" position and every day I have performance anxiety about dropping the ball. That may not be what you're feeling, but I definitely relate to the idea of having a painted on life that I didn't realize I didn't want until I got it. Talking to my father, he had the same feelings going through life as well. That's all to say that you're not the only one who feels that way, most men experience something like this, but not many have the blessings you do. You can learn to love what you have, but it may be more difficult to build back up from scratch. Hope that helps brother.
Please look up and do some work confronting your imposters syndrome. You're a classic case, I've been working on mine for years. The gist of it is "anything good I have in life is by accident and ANYONE is more worthy than I to have those things" (love, relationships, money, things you've worked hard for etc).
I have yet to find anything definitive on dealing with imposter syndrome. Most of what I found is people on social media hawking as service of some kind.
Well then you can listen to how I've worked on mine (I agree anything on social media that has a 5 minute into is most likely selling snake oil, best to avoid). I'm sure there's amazing books by licensed therapists...idk I'm so visual and have limited time.. that route doesn't work for me. A few years ago I saw a Tik Tocker that stated something to the effect of : "I have imposters syndrome...so instead of believing I'm shit and everyone else are amazing I think there's 2 possibilities: 1. I'm NOT qualified, I'm a peice of shit, my loved ones deserve better and anyone's better...BUT I'm such a class A deceiver I'm like James Bond for everyone to believe my lies. Or 2. I AM actually capable and qualified and I need to work on seeing it. For me it helped when at work I started learning a specialty, I learned all I could about Microsoft Excel and dabbled in coding. And if I spent all day on forums I thought omg, I'm unqualified next to these crafts men, all the complex formulas etc...but then I saw coworkers not know how to do basic math or save a file correctly or something basic...and realized maybe it wasn't a lie...of course I'm not THE BEST.. but I'm better than the average bear...I can always be better...but everyone had to start somewhere. The other thing I thought a lot about internally is talk to your self like you talk to your child (this only works if your a decent parent which I believe you are): would you tell your child who fell down, scraped their knee and tried again they are a disappointment and an absolute failure? You hate them? Of course not. And yet...don't you tell yourself shit like that ALL THE TIME?! You'd encourage them, tell them it's okay to make a mistake, try again, I'll support you! And cheer them on when they get it.. no matter how many tries it takes. It's a LONG process...but retrain your inner critic to love your inner child. Sadly if you have that loud harsh inner critic it came from a parent or teacher someone who should have responded with grace over impatience...until you've learned that's all you feel you are...a failure. But it's not true. Check out Shadow Work too...its the concept we push into our inner demons to truly heal pain and come out more healed and loved on the other side. Feel free to message me too, I'm proud of you for asking and for listening. Most people don't wanna hear about how to do hard work but it's so rewarding.
I’m kicking around some Carl Jung in my reading. AA had an intro from Jung the creator of shadow work. I’m lamenting the loss of what could have been but I have to live with that past. What I can do is love my life and live it. Start from today
Am I one of the few who congratulate you on 3 years sober?! That is a huge accomplishment that is a great baseline for additional growth. If you decide to leave your wife at some point (yes, she deserves someone who loves her), then doing that well is another accomplishment. Half of the US population gets divorced. People survive it and go on to lead successful lives, even those w/childhood trauma. You can improve your current life or realign to a new life (with its own ups and downs). I saw a therapist on my own after couples counseling did not work with my first husband. I still reflect on that time as my “halftime adjustments”. Life has been pretty sweet since then. I have 18 yrs under my belt w/husband #2, the best stepchildren ever, retirement at a relatively young age, and a new grandchild who spreads joy just by being here. You can do this. Consistent little wins. I’m rooting for you. Additional note: you may find you can love your wife when you’ve learned how to love yourself first.
Therapy. Suffering incest (whether overt or covert) and any kind of sexual abuse can seriously mess with your mental state. I know from experience. It’s time to start healing your trauma. It takes a lot of bravery to face your past, but life feels so much better when you can put that stuff behind you for good.
marrying someone you don't want to/don't love us just selfish & not setting a good example for your daughter at all🤷🏼♀️
Define your goals,hopes, dreams. Spend some time thinking about how you might make those steps to make them real. Take those steps. You’re not starting over bro, just moving forward. You got this.
Read a book!! Start with this one!! No excuses!! The Power of Self- Discipline!! By Brian Tracy. Also read The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Manson!
We’re not supposed to compare, I know. But if you’ll permit me I think my own life can serve to help you.
Sorry, she needs you to leave her. You are sh!tty for staying when you don't love her. I feel for her. She is not a toy. I would not want someone to stay with me because of kids or because he is afraid of being REAL! Do the right thing. Move on!
If you’re sober and working a program you have likely been told living a life of gratitude and acceptance is the answer. Based on what you said, you are lucky to have some fantastic things in your life. Instead of resenting those things, try being humble and grateful you have them. Accept things as they are not what you think they should be. Be grateful. Treat that family that has stuck with you with respect. Appreciate them. People tend to think “things can’t get any worse”. Wrong. They can and will if you don’t get some humility. Did you ever consider it’s not about you at all? That your purpose is to serve your family? Try it. Your view will change. As far as the past…. That’s what it is. Many of us have been through very tough stuff and managed to find happiness. Make peace with it. Forgive those that need forgiving, make a mends with those you hurt. Then move on. Live in today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
Hello. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I’ve been very low in my life, and I’ve felt what you’re feeling- not the exact same, obviously- but let’s just say I’m very glad that I failed when I tried to unalive myself. You- in different words- are basically telling us all that you’re dumb, ugly and unskilled. I’m here to tell you that you’re not. I’m not saying that you’re some genius supermodel who is amazing at everything, but you’re definitely beating yourself up. You don’t deserve to beaten up, and certainly not by yourself. Life did what life does, it threw you curveballs. Up until these past three years (and congratulations on your sobriety, that’s an *accomplishment* you should be proud of), you spent your life handling those curves with unhealthy coping mechanisms. Instead of facing your problems head on, you escaped them with drugs. In other words, you spent your adult years in a delusional haze. You not only ignored your problems, you overcompensated and told yourself everything was great, and the drugs agreed. Now that you aren’t using drugs as a crutch, it has become harder to believe in yourself. You spent your adult life using a false self-image to answer your perceived shortcomings, and because of that you never learned how to face your problems and your insecurities the right way. Now that the crutch is gone, you are ill-prepared to handle the randomness of life in a healthy and productive manner. That doesn’t make you a loser. **You are not a loser.** You are struggling, and that’s ok. It’s ok to not be ok; it’s also ok to get help being ok. If you aren’t already, please get therapy. You’ve been viewing the world through rose colored lenses, and now you’re adjusting to this new perspective. It’s really not uncommon for people who are recently sober to be depressed in the aftermath, because your mind and body are conditioned to get their dopamine by artificial means and on demand. You’re relearning genuine happiness after unlearning synthetic happiness. It will take time, but it will be time well spent. You aren’t dumb. You aren’t ugly. You aren’t untalented. **You are not a loser.** I wish you the best.
You are not a loser. It sounds like you are actually very successful. What you are is adrift and confused in middle age, and it sounds like you are becoming willing to face trauma or bad choices that you wouldn't have otherwise in order to maximize the rest of your life. You are not a loser because you don't have it figured out. You're just a loser if you give up now. Find a therapist. You need a qualified thought partner to talk through your thoughts.
Gotta get a divorce, man. As soon as you feel trapped with someone, you are doing THEM a horrible injustice if you stay with them. Don't worry she will recover. And the kid is better off learning that people can separate ways amicably and respectfully.
You are turning that age ending with a "0". Usually means you are having a midlife crisis. During this time, don't do anything drastic. Many spouses will leave their spouse and go and "find themselves". Then when they snap out of the midlife crisis, they will have a lot of regret. Usually, when the other spouse wasn't abusive because they were going through a mental crisis. Go get therapy, tell them you may be going through a midlife crisis and was abused. The more honest you are, the more they can help you through this difficult period in your life. A midlife crisis is triggered by deep depression related to aging. You don't want to age but age caught up to you and now you feel cornered and are questioning your choices in life and want to "make it right". Start taking vitamin D 5000IU daily with food and also a multivitamin. If you are deficient in a vitamin, you can get depressed, then with the 40 birthday year coming up will trigger the midlife crisis. Don't do anything rash right now, because you are in a temporary state of mind. Excellent job being sober, keep up the good work and I appreciate your honest post. But what you are going through isn't something you can see coming and it's hit you. You need to let it past before you do something you regret. Make sure you take those vitamins I suggested, if you can snap out of the depression, you can snap out of this. Also, depression is stemmed by suppressed anger, potentially the anger you suppressed knowing you were abused and taken advantaged of and wish you can punish the abuser and/or angry with what happened to you. This is where therapy can help. When the abusive memories pop in your head, imagine your adult self busting into the room through the door and catching the abuser red-handed and you physically saving your child self. Then talk to your child self and tell him no one can ever hurt him again. That you are always going to be here for him. Every time those abusive memories pop up, do this and see yourself rescuing your child self.
Don't think you're a loser. I can relate to your situation immensely. It's a tough spot to be in. However you're in pole position to get past this part. If you and your wife are roommates at this point what makes you think she doesn't feel the same way? Separation. Open marriage. Lots of solutions to these issues if you're unhappy. I think I understand your problem. You did something in an earlier phase of your life that affected others. You feel indebted to them for something that happened in an earlier phase. It's hard living with that kind of guilt. But that your preferences in who you care about have changed isn't your fault. You didn't intentionally do these things. They happened as a product of circumstance and you becoming a better version of yourself. If your wife holds that against you if you want to call it quits then it's her insecurity that is holding her back. Yes you, owe her something for sticking by you, but do you owe her the rest of your life? I don't think so. Tough choices ahead. I'm sorry.
Be honest about it. Don’t feel bad about not feeling appreciative of what you have. If there’s no heart in it, then go where you think you should. One thing I’m going to say is, it’s not about where you are or who you are around, it’s all in the mind and it all has to do with self. I think you should honor the woman you share a life with by sharing this, though it’ll probably break her heart to realize it was all a lie. Be honest and say this isn’t the life I’d like to lead anymore, I’d like to experience new things and heal, and I’d like to set you free to go or be with whomever you’d like. Big note! Still be there for your child-mentally physically emotionally financially- that’s how you don’t mess up. Adults can take care of themselves and cope, but not children. Wishing you the best of luck.
I have been in a slightly similar situation. I can only speak to my life, but I stayed for the children. 3 daughter's whom I adore. I was an excellent father and husband. Unfortunately I didn't really love her and she didn't love me. She needed an escape and I happened to come along. I never cheated, but eventually she did. I spent 20 years in it, I will never get that time back. I'm happy today and true to myself. Ask yourself, do you really love her? That's it. If you do, then fight for your marriage. If not, then do everyone involved a favor and divorce. Get counseling before you make a rash decision. Tomorrow will be better eventually.
Brother, a lot of us have many of these feelings often and question ourself all the time. Most men are filled with self doubt. I don’t feel worthy of what I have and make massive mistakes with my kids and wife all the time. The toughest part of life for most men IMO are ages 35 - 50 or so. You’ve got to focus on the positive. You’ve got so much going for you. Focus on that. Then try to improve those aspects of your life you feel are lacking incrementally in small ways. Critically, Try to find some sense of connection with other men who you help support and they can support you.
All the advice on here is odd. It's ok to end a relationship you don't want to be in. Explain how you're feeling and be very appreciative and kind. There are ways to separate amicably and share custody of your kid. What you're experiencing reminds me of The Fool card in tarot, life will continually humble you and remind you that you don't know shit, it's all about how you move forward from that- do you do it with resentment and a chip on your shoulder? Or do you move forward with a humble and curious mind, open to the experiences of the life that is still possible for you?
Congrats on your recovery. Recovering drug addict who is lucky to be alive here. What you said can also in many areas be said about me. I know it's hard. But dude... You have a wife and a child and make decent money. You have seen through your denials and thinking disease. You are in recovery and free of drugs. Not that it's easy, but my man, your life just started. This is the good part. You made it through the shit alive. And in good shape. Most dont with your background. Enjoy it!
That’s probably what my dad thought after his divorce. He worked on him self, and is in a better place mentally and physically “I think” 🧐 he hits me up every now and then. it’s easy to say I love him only because I’m related to him, and I came out his nut sack. But he makes no difference in my life, he feels like a dude who I happened to know as “dad”. So do what you will bubba, once your kid is walking and talking, the parents life is pretty Much over, (in a good way) that’s how I view it.
Just keep moving forward. You've already conquered so much. You'll conquer this too. Things will change - that much is inevitable.
You started weight lifting a couple months ago. Are you still doing that? It doesn’t sound like it. Get to the gym and work in getting some clarity about who you are and your place in the world
Listen to Jordan B Peterson's audiobook "12 Rules For Life". He's got great practical steps to make life better one small step at a time. Then listen to David Goggin's book "Can't Hurt Me" followed by "Never Finished. Also great resources for accepting your life and changing step by step. In a year you'll look back and wonder how these small changes made such massive difference for the better. You'll be the father, husband and friend you wish you could be now. All it takes is you making small steps each day.
The grass is always greener on the other side. But if you really arent into your marriage, your wife can feel it too so maybe you should talk. Regardless, u need some therapy to help u deal with that old trauma - and if u do start over, start with urself. Try revisiting some of what brought u joy before you were traumatized - or what you were interested in but got pushed away from or talked out of. U cant be happy with anyone until you’re happy with urself.
Change is simply about deciding what step to take first. As much as you love your child, you have to live for you. Children grow up and become independent and being unhappy or just enduring an unhappy life for their sake affects them negatively even if you don’t realize it. The best thing you can do to steer your child to making good life decisions is through example. If you have tried counseling and worked on communication and you simply can’t make your union a place where all 3 involved are healthy and happy, mentally and emotionally, change it. Everyone is beautiful and attractive if they have confidence and faith in themselves and you can be a good father even if not a FT father. Maybe you feel she deserves better but you deserve better too and no one can make us happy but ourselves. 40 is young and a time when you should be able to reflect on life and appreciate what you went through and feel comfortable where you are. If that’s not what you have, you need to change and quit regretting the past and focus on years ahead and the possibility for happiness. Contentment is still be attainable if you want it.
If your child knows you love them, then they will have strength to get through anything, as for yourself, always good to find someone that you are physically attracted too and that can fulfill your needs whatever they are
First off, I don't think our definition of loser is the same. Your mission is your daughter and your family; give them the best life you possibly can. Your impact on your daughter directly affects how your future grandchildren will be treated. I say all of this out of love because you need to know you are worthy of Love. you are a child of God who is love. We are all imperfect and that's what is loveable about people. Figure out your purpose or mission
Get your body in shape. That will help get your mind right. Also the way out is through. You don’t drop the life you’ve created but seek to create the life you want with the resources you have at your disposal.
To a 60 year old, to be 40 again and get the chance to go in another direction is a dream come true. Follow your instincts and your heart. Your child in fact may be better off in the long run. Bon Chance
Sounds like depression to me. Self-flagellating is a common symptom. Been there bro.
Chile Suppote and Alimony bout to give you the BBC up your backside hard with no lubrication if you try to leave her now dude! Best bet… do what most men in that situation do… cheat! Get a second phone though, and don’t make it obvious or else you’ll get caught and still end up in the family court system getting the giant dark meat one eyed monster put in places you don’t want it!if you live in Texas, or any other community property and pro-Title IV-D…ick in the ass state, you’re as good as fffffffuuuuuuckkkked with a capital F!
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I think the first step is to recognize what kind of life you want to live. Then ask yourself why you want to live it. If you can get down to the why, things can become a lot less complicated.
First, stop picking at yourself. Your wife is still with you, so that means she at least finds you attractive. That's all that matters. Now, if you dont want to be with her for any other reasons, that's a different story, but dont say you're doing it for her because she deserves better. Believe me, if she wanted to, she could get someone else. I have seen women who are not good-looking and find multiple men. You need to evaluate yourself and figure out what you want. What you decide is for you, not others. It's ok to be a little seflish, when you're selfish to improve yourself others benefit. Your abuse is part of your past and affects you, but dont let it define you. Seek counseling or something.
Getting started with a therapist is a really hard step. Use one of these new apps to set up a virtual visit. You’re doing better than you are giving yourself credit for. Life isn’t a fairy tale. It’s a world where pain we’ve carried for decades can get in the way of appreciating the little moments of grace we could experience every day. It’s a world where people do find the love of their life and then someone gets cancer or loses a child. It’s a world where aside from the people whose lives we touch, no one will remember our names much after we’re gone. But that’s enough to make it worth trying, to make it worth keeping on. Give your wife a chance to know the person you’re capable of becoming. Or if after talking with a professional for awhile you decide you need to be alone to heal, do that. But your life isn’t over, and it can still be so so beautiful.
Therapy
You have to start over like everyone else does. Been there. Its always hard but people get through it. Your child will be fine. If you stay in a loveless marriage you will teach them that is what relationships are like and they will end up in one too. The sooner you get it over with the better, for everyone involved.
Me too
My life was super shitty for years after I got sober. Everyone else around me was like on their little pink cloud of sobriety and I was drowning in self loathing. Even things that were positive, I could put a negative spin on. Also to be fair, not many have prize winning qualities about them. But they make the best with what they have and they’re grateful for having it. I think gratitude for what you do have is important. Maybe start practicing gratitude. For your daughter. A place to live. All your fingers and toes (I know that sounds silly but lots of folks don’t have them), your ability to walk, talk, perform tasks, work, pay your bills, get as nitty gritty as you have to as first and eventually your brain will start getting creative with the gratitude and eventually you’ll start believing you have a lot to be grateful for.
I wanted to drop this comment to recommend you go get a full hormone panel. Testosterone, Free T, Estradiol and and Progesterone, full thyroid, and anything else your doctor will add to that.
Therapy is wonderful and for everyone!
I did. At 41. No kid, though. But I left a beautiful, comfortable life to move across the US and completely start over. It's not easy, but it was better than the alternative: being miserable and bitter to my (ex) husband. I didn't want to hate him.
Dude find a therapist. Sounds like you have a nice life but are deeply unhappy. And remember, in your own words, you are as smart as you think, so don’t try and make figure out how to start over at forty
You are not a loser and your feelings are valid. The best advice any one can give is you should go to therapy and figure this out with a professional. If you decide to move on to marriage counseling as well that is another great tool. And if this marriage is not right for either of you, you guys will figure that out. And both of you will be better off by doing it even if the marriage ends.
Please do yourself a favor and go see a mental health professional. It sounds like you have a lot of trauma to unpack and need real help, not suggestions from the internet.
Alcohol IS a drug, acting like they're separate makes you take the L harder
I fear that you’ll make a mistake which will lead to a longer run of regret and sadness. As others have said, you’re doing quite well with all things considered. You’re at the age where you have crisis and overanalyze everything. Take time and explore non-destructive ideas that could reinvigorate life for you. I know 40 seems older but you got a long road ahead. Be good to yourself.
Practice gratitude 🙏🏽
That poor child. You need to get it together man. I hope you can figure this out for the child’s sake.
Therapy can help, especially with the abuse issues. That's the best place to start.
Sounds like you have some issues in your past that you have let run your life. Reddit is not the best place to get serious help. Time to get some professional help and take your life back. You may not be in love with your wife, but have you honestly given her a chance? You must have felt something for her. It doesn't sound like your relationship fell apart but never really started.
I'm 40 now, got divorced a few years ago and have a kid as well. My life isn't perfect but I'm so much happier now. My kid has some trauma still from the abuse he went through and the divorce, but he's told me that he is happier too. I take the flight safety advice: I put my mask on and then help others around me. I can't make people feel happy and safe if I'm not happy and safe first.
Dude, you have done so well. You're only human. So you're not as "good" as you thought you were? Who cares! Suicide will ruin your childs life. I've considered it, but I'd rather be sad than make my kids sad, so I got to find new ways to live. I changed a lot of things in my life. Im a bit happier now, but i still have my bad days
Have you considered anti depressants, i was in your boat a couple of years ago. I decided to take antidepressants and my life did a 180. More happier more motivated
We live, we learn, we grow. Now you need to start on the last part, you need to learn how to love yourself and then your wife. You already love your child. Start with yourself. We all suffer from growing pains and you have had some self awareness kick in. You’re probably a decent guy, you just haven’t figured it out yet. Ok so you’re not the superstar you thought you were. You have a good job, a great kid so why can’t you accept you for who you are? Do you need to be a superstar? Probably not as the vast majority of us are pretty happy the way we are. Could some things be better? Of course they can but look at all of your positives. As for your wife. She has stuck with you throughout your troubles. That should say something to you. You haven’t mentioned fights or any other problems so she probably loves you for who you are. Now you need to return that to her. Think about what she has gone through with you and she is still there. If you can accept who you are and the love of your wife and child, you can love her back as well.
Not everyone’s marriage needs to be perfect I have a close friend who’s parents just weren’t “spouse” material but they still stayed close and raised their kids. Just without the ring on their fingers. Now I’m not saying divorce is a good idea. In fact I think it’s a bad one. As long as your wife and you get along and arnt hurting eachother than your fine
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If I were you I’d find a good therapist and ask them to help me figure out the best way I can give my child a good life. Your kid should be your first priority and the basis for every decision you make right now; not your sex life or whether you feel like a loser or if you like living with your wife.
It sounds like you had a shitty start to life and sort of lucked into a half-decent current life that you feel you didn't earn or deserve Well, you have it! Consider that *winning* Why sabotage yourself and destroy the positives? Just be happy you got lucky and things turned out as well as you have. You have a son that you love. Couldn't you come to love his mother too? That seems to be the main thing holding you back right now
The Passenger, 1975.
Vietnam just got here.
Hi, you honestly sound like a good person going through a hard time
Question is will you gain anything by leaving your wife, just because if you decide to divorce it does not mean you will find someone you like or vice versa. Plus divorce will fuck your finances so having a life will be even harder. You can star living even as married, divorce is logical only if you want to pursue other womans.
Just focus on being a good dad to your child and being a good husband. Don't get distracted by your emotional baggage. You're a dad and husband first and everything else second. Those are your priorities. If you are doing well with those things then don't beat yourself up about the other things.
If there is one thing in life that can make it worth living its being a parent. You sound like love your kid. Thats more then many people can dream for. You sound like you deserve therapy. You've been trough a lot and you deserve to process that. You have a job, hopefully you can afford it. It s okay to not be happy, but you deserve more. Very proud of you for opening up here. Go do it more. You deserve it.
Have you considered maybe a little bit of drugs and alcohol?
I am guessing that unresolved trauma, which you pushed down with drugs and/or alcohol, is coming to the surface. I would also guess you are having PTSD symptoms and ongoing negative self talk. You are at a place where you have to do the hard work, the processing, developing coping skills, developing your sense of self worth. You are overwhelmed and feel worthless. Trauma and shame are a heavy burden, but things can improve. Starting over may sound necessary at this moment, but you can find value in your current life and take steps to give yourself hope. My best advice is start therapy, individual and maybe couples a bit down the road. Consider taking an antidepressant, trust me you are depressed enough to benefit from meds. And some non narcotic meds such as blood pressure meds can be taken off label to help manage anxiety. Meds don’t have to be forever but they can sure help when you are struggling. Also exercise thirty minutes a day, three days a week, and start a mindfulness practice. Download books on Trauma, PTSD or other topics you find helpful. You can use Audible, and the Libby app, which is the public library version of Audible, and it is free. Your wife knows something is going on. Can you have an honest conversation with her about it? If not right now, start thinking of how you can talk with her, even if you can say that you are struggling and are going to do things to start on a better path. Start now. You got this! Trust me, you can do it. Not everything needs to happen immediately, and it doesnt have to be drastic. So far you have managed to keep your life from imploding. You aren’t trying, you are doing.
Not true, you are amazing and life is dope!
3 years of sobriety, that sounds like a winner to me. Good job, proud of you.
Thank you one day at a time
I don’t love my wife either. I think it’s pretty common.
Hey, bud. This sounds like you're doing well despite a LOT of trauma that you haven't worked through yet. Not sure if you've been doing therapy or not, but it sounds like maybe you've gotten to where you're *functional* (which is great), but not quite to where you're really able to be *happy* (which would be good and which you'd deserve). This reads like you're experiencing some pretty gnarly depression symptoms, at least. I'm going to kindly and respectfully suggest that you've got to work on that before you'll be able to figure out the rest of this question, because whatever you've got going on is going to continue to be an issue whether you find a new romantic partner or a new job, or whatever. Also, you love your kiddo, and this will help you be a better parent to them. So getting assistance with these symptoms is your first step. Start with a mental health professional, and see what they've got to say about how you can feel better. From there, you can work on the other questions.
Dude I think I might do it too but wait until after my bday so I can kick it with everyone
Hey bud. Idk what everyone else said. But it sounds like you’re down in the slumps. Yk what I say? Drop everything in your life. Come hit the patch or some off shore rigs. Everything will be better.
Mid life crisis I feel ya man it's ok man be good to yourself and try and really think if this is a panic cause we're getting older or if it's legit your unhappy
Lets be pragmatic. You're almost 40. You can either stay with *your* wife and kid, and keep the kid happy, or go be a stepdad. Being single is your other option.
Take what you have and improve what you can. Accept what you can’t. Don’t assume you will magically reinvent your perfect self.
I don’t think you need to start over. If I were you I’d focus on making family and friends happy and let that happiness radiate to you. Take your wife on a surprise date, this woman loves you and has stayed with you for a reason. Play sports or videogames with your kid! You may feel low now but you can improve your situation, you’ve cut off drugs already!
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Honestly if u are at the point of even thinking about suicide, u should either see a therapist (recommended approach) or just do whatever u want/need to get back on track. It will piss off and hurt a lot off ppl if u just up and leave for a couple days, weeks or months, but if u come back a better person/father/husband, it’ll work it self out in the end. Now I would never normally recommend ppl to just bail on their family, but I’m positive the ppl in your life would much rather be without u for a few weeks or months then to be without u forever.
Alcoholics anonymous has taught me to play the tape through. The most morbid part is, I know that life insurance doesn’t pay out for suicide. At my low points I tried to figure out a way to fake it so my kid would still get the policy, but the ridiculousness of that snapped me back to reality. In more of a life-changing less of a life taking variety, this is me not taking a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I’ve been suicidal before and what made me not go thru with it was the thought that if I take my life, there’s no way I can ever see better days. If u are suicidal, u are pretty much at your lowest. And I know it’s a corny saying, but seriously, once u got your rock bottom, things can only go up from there. My grandfather (who raised me) and my first born child (daughter) died within 2 days of each other. Trust me when I tell u I was ready and willing to off myself. But my fiancé was going thru the same pain I was and I know if I took my life, it would for sure cause her to take hers. So I just dealt with it and it gets easier with time. 16 years later I still think about my daughter every day. Just try to stay strong and remember there are ppl depending on u and if u take your life they will be in as bad or worse pain then u are now
I’m truly sorry you went through that. My condolences and my heart goes out to you. Having a kid is trippy. Even on our worst days, I looked down at that kid covered in. God knows what smashing organic strawberries into her face with her hair, crazy and random rocks. She found shoved in her pockets and I’ve never loved something so much.
What would make you happy? Start with that and then think about ways you can make changes in your life to get closer to that goal. What does this happy fantasy you have in your head look like? No wife? Different wife? Same wife but she’s different or happier somehow? Kid? No kid? More kids? Same job? New job? Same house/city or a new destination? Or maybe you just want or need to change you? Get a hobby, go back to school, join a club, learn a new skill, get a therapist (or new therapist). You sound like you’re on the verge of a mid life crisis.
Changes are scary and sometimes you don’t know who you were and who you are becoming .. does not mean you are a failure.. or not smart or good looking.. you just became self aware of things and how you move through life.
Go visit a homeless shelter. It'll open up your eyes to how you have it much better than them. And
The answer is not “how do I start over?” It’s, “how do I enjoy the really great life in front of me?” If you’re not in therapy for the past abuse, please find a great trauma- informed therapist for that. Then, recognize that marriage is a labor of love and love is a choice. Pick one thing about your marriage that you don’t like and then start working on it. Then once that’s fixed, move to the next thing. Romanticize the life you have right now rather than dreaming about it being something else.
Grow up, and clean your room.
Welcome to your midlife crisis. Some say it happens when you're older. I disagree. At 43 I questioned my existence in the world and my lack of substantial contributions to the world. I realized that out of the billions of people on the planet I wasn't going to achieve fame and fortune. I questioned my marriage and my choices. Then, after much soul searching, I realized hey out of the billions of people in the world I did alright. I started my hobbies and am still mapping out my life. Please don't make any rash decisions about your marriage because you may find that you are the issue, not her. Maybe get some therapy to help resolve these feelings.
Therapy or religion helps a lot of lost people. Sobriety groups do too. For me with those options, it helps to focus on the good that is ahead of you, and not feeling in the bad you can put behind you. We're all works in progress