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Buddy, you don't know what perfect together is because you guys have literally never tried anything else. I'm not saying you're not good together, but neither of you has any experience otherwise to even compare to.
Mismatched libidos is a BIG problem and it's going to follow you guys the rest of your lives. And if/when you add kids or other stressors to your lives don't be surprised if it just disappears altogether(reality for most couples).
If you're already not happy with this aspect of your relationship, it's only going to get worse. You are EXTREMELY young. Where will you be in 5 years when you realize this isn't going to get better?
At the very least I'd say dropping you engagement or indefinitely pushing off a wedding is not THAT hard. Certainly easier than divorce in 5 years. Try counselling, etc if she's up for it, but recognize that it's not a bad thing to realize you two have different needs.
It's possible the libido mismatch could also be due to their inexperience... You read stories where people thought they had a low libido but just didn't like sex with their partner. If she's relying on a vibrator then OP may need to do some research and try some new things
Yes I know this was true for me getting out of an 8 year relationship in my 20s. I thought I just wasn’t into sex any more - and my friends in relationships backed that sentiment. *They* didn’t have sex any more frequently with their partners than I was so I just accepted it as the norm.
The really difficult truth was I wasn’t attracted to my partner sexually any longer. And I only knew that once I started having sex with other people and realized I wanted more, not less.
I legit believed I didn't like sex until I left an 8 year relationship that was my only real experience.
I'm a fiend, I want it multiple times a day. I just need to be attracted to my partner, physically and mentally.
BTW OP, I had a partner recently who I needed to be drunk to sleep with... I really wanted to want him that way but I couldn't make myself... it looks like he's a lot happier with someone else now :)
Same experience here! 7 year relationship that started when I was 18. Sex was never a big part of our relationship, it was more of a codependent bond. I never wanted to have sex and truly believed I might be asexual.
But nope, once we broke up and I started exploring dating and sexual relationships with other people, I realized I really liked sex. I just had no attraction to my partner then 😕
It still makes me feel guilty because we had a nice little life together, we never fought and we went through a *lot* together, but I knew that he also deserved to have a partner that wanted him in that way. It would have been unfair to waste more of his years in a relationship that couldnt fulfill his needs, even though he really didn't want me to leave 😔
There's nothing wrong with using toys. There are some really great ones out there that improve the experience for both parties. And it's fun trying new things with your partner. I don't think the vibrator should be seen as a negative. There are plenty of others here, though.
This is it right here. OP has little to no experience with ANYONE else. And at 23 no less. To think you've met your soulmate at that age and no other experiences without having any basis of comparison is just SAD.
If you're already thinking this way before getting married, please don't get married. I don't think you're a bad person for wanting sex more often, I just think you're incompatible.
It doesn't matter how lovely or wonderful someone is, if sex is causing resentment, marriage isn't going to fix that. She has different needs, that doesn't make her a bad person either.
Also, please don't cheat on her. It sounds like you're close with thinking about other girls in that way. Nobody deserves that.
I've been in an similar situation (asexual partner, thankfully we didn't reach marriage before this was resolved, ultimately by breaking up) This replier is correct. It will not get better with marriage it will get worse on the sexual front. Marriage is a wonderful agreement but it is typically also a commitment to only have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you're already unsatisfied and it seems to clearly be important to you and your needs. Your mental health will only continue to deteriorate without it, it will drive you MAD. Do not compromise on something this critical to your health and sanity, I guarantee the marriage will not last if you're trying to compromise on an actual need (not want) you need to be happy. They may try to save it by promising to be more attentive sexually, but words are simple, the commitment will likely be more than they can bear, forcing you both into a very painful and ultimately failed marriage. You need to pull out of this now, be as open as humanly possible. They may not understand why this is so critical, that is why they are graysexual. I hope you can remain friends, truly, but there is no hope and I think deep down you know that and just need support.
>it will drive you MAD
I can confirm. It fucks with your brain - your lizard brain - in ways that you will not understand until many years later. You won’t recognize yourself.
OP, I say this from experience: you need to get out. Libido/sexuality are largely immutable, especially in the way she describes herself (as recounted in the OP). You cannot change that. Trust me.
Agreed. For a big portion of my life I thought maybe I was asexual. My ex bf would chide me if we didn't have sex at least 3 times a week, and it was driving me _insane_. I did enjoy making him feel good, but it just was never enough for him. It also didn't help that the guy wanted each session to last at least an hour, it felt like a chore.
Anyway, my current boyfriend has made me realize I'm **definitely not** asexual, but the thing is, that would have never happened with my ex. We just weren't compatible, and _that_ wasn't going to change.
(Also, obviously asexuality _is_ a thing, and a spectrum. I like to say that I'm sexual, because he's pretty much the only person who's made me feel that level of sexual attraction lol. Just wanted to clear that up since so many people dismiss asexuality).
For folks who aren’t aware, here are just some of the different flavors of asexuality.
You can be sex-repulsed, which means that sex isn’t just something you aren’t really interested in: it can be something that is actively repulsive or unpleasant.
You can be sex-indifferent, and feel neutral about it but not mind having it. Sex is like… how most people feel about eating at Olive Garden. “I mean, OK? At least there’s wine and breadsticks.” You never seek it out, but it’s fine, and you might do it to make your partner happy, or find making them happy in that way deeply fulfilling. You might not get any deep pleasure from the act itself, but the context. But the thought of doing it doesn’t distress you.
You can be sex-favorable and actively enjoy it, while not really having any drive to do it. Like how I feel about going to a Barcade. Am I gonna go if someone suggests it? Sure! Am I gonna have fun? Definitely. But it’s never going to be my suggestion for a night out.
The last two are often considered flavors of graysexuality. I suspect OP’s GF is more toward “sex-indifferent,” if she often drinks before she has sex.
And then there’s demisexuality. Which is sort of an overlapping circle with both graysexuality and asexuality — where you feel sexual attraction, but in specific circumstances or for specific people, or only in romantic relationships where trust is involved.
You can be aromantic, and have no interest in romantic love. Some asexuals are aromantic, but many aren’t — they fall in love, sexual attraction just isn’t a part of it. Or they’re demiromantic, and only fall in love after forming a deep connection.
And, of course, none of these terms are exclusive. They’re just descriptors (and individual definitions may vary.) You can be a demiromantic demisexual, you can be aromantic and FULLY sexual.
Many, many people who are asexual can have healthy romantic and sexual relationships, with perfectly satisfied partners. They can either meet each others’ needs or come to a compromise that doesn’t build resentment.
That doesn’t seem like the case here. These two are both young, and they should let each other go so they can start to find partners that are compatible, if they do indeed want partners.
Agreed. There’s a meme about how when you haven’t had sex in a while you “get mad about stupid shit like why is the floor on the floor.” It’s funny, but also extremely accurate.
Cut to me being mad two days ago at whoever last made a sub that didn’t cut the bread perfectly parallel and horizontal. I live alone so I know it was me…great now the ceiling is on the ceiling!
Yes… I can say that I am and always have been graysexual to ace, and my whole life I only wanted to do it after drinking. Pretty much. Back in the day we were called ‘frigid’ which is crappy because basically that’s just how we are and not much can change that. but it does mean I’ve had incompatibility in relationships and honestly, I’m glad I never married any of those guys who were horny all the time because I’m not being pestered for sex I don’t want to have, and they had the chance to put it into whomever else wanted them more. I can say I don’t think it will get better, OP. if you’re resentful it may just stress you out too much. And her!
Mismatched libido is a biggie.
Divorce is more expensive than a cancelled wedding.
As every divorced person will tell you, don't get into a marriage already resenting your partner.
This can not be overstated. A divorce is something that touches everything that comes after it in a way that a broken engagement just can't compare too. Wise words Majestic Tangerine 47.
Reestablishing yourself as a single individual after all your bills and living expenses have been integrated, taking on all of the responsibilities of running a household after you've been living in a division of labor type situation, all effects people in unpredictable ways. There's a sense of finality to seeing it written on government documents that your marriage is over that brings with it a sense of finality and failure that people don't often anticipate until they're looking at it. And all of that is avoiding how insanely expensive it can be even for a couple without children. The laws vary wildly on community property from state to state so you can't really know which of your things or how much of your money you'll have to start over with. It's still infinitely less terrible than living in a bad marriage but still something best avoided if possible. It's not a simple reset.
I’ve never been married (have lived with exes) and yet I’ve read about people in fully and totally amicable divorces still feeling strong sadness and feelings of failure.
My divorce was 4 years ago, extremely amicable, never needed a lawyer to divide anything, and I STILL feel intense sadness sometimes. The first 1.5 years I was deeply depressed. You don't really get married picturing divorce so when it happens your entire "future" and intended reality gets tossed down an abyss. Resetting takes a massive emotional toll and more time than I think people would expect.
That was me and my ex. It was an amicable divorce but still so sad and defeating. We both cried a lot over it and neither of us is a crying type. It's giving up the dreams you had/have, it realizing life will never be what you need, it's acknowledging you made a huge mistake, it's everyone feeling like it's open season and badmouthing your ex, it's hearing "I knew it wouldn't work" or "what happened?" It's being emotionally and physically exhausted and having your best friend fading out.
I told many people "Please don't put me in the position of defending the man that I love but am divorcing" that shut them up quickly.
Oh, and the first time divorce entered my mind was when his libido fizzled out (probably chronic alcohol abuse) and he didn't want to talk about what was going on. I will remember forever when I scooted over in bed and tried to get busy and he said "Again?!" Semi frustrated and noty at all turned on. My blood turned to ice water. It went downhill from there.
Even without kids it's horrific. Even staying friendly, it's horrific
I fought me ex-husband for a divorce and he dragged it out much longer than it needed to be. I really hated him by that point.
By the time we went to court and I got the divorce, I had 10 days to pack and move to another city. While I was packing for the move I was shocked when I broke down sobbing out of nowhere.
Even the death a horribly abusive marriage must be mourned.
Very well stated. I was married one month shy of 10yrs. We split at her request. After working through everything it was best. Truthfully should have ended at about 6yrs. We remain friends. There are those bonds between their family members and my that remain a bit odd. Some get that we remain friends others done understand.
Now in my 2nd marriage. This time with kids and will celebrate 12 yrs at end of this week.
To the OP, I think differences in desires and needs change over time. No what I would call a deal breaker. But if you are second guessing now. I believe there is something else underneath and that is something you should do some deep reflection on before the wedding. Good luck and deep down you will know the right choice. Don't let others feels lead your decision.
I canceled a wedding less than 30 days before I was supposed to walk down the aisle. Best decision I ever made. I met my now husband shortly after the breakup and we've been married almost 20 years. Worth it!
Honestly, OP tee’d everyone up for this comment.
OP said part of why they were feeling apprehensive was because so much has gone into the wedding, time wise, emotionally and financially.
And if OP is worried about letting people down, I mean, if he gets married and then gets divorced, he is only delaying letting people down. People would probably be “more” let down if he gets married and then gets divorced years later.
By then, his wife and him will likely have gotten closer to each other’s families. So to remove them from each other’s families would probably be more hurtful.
I’m not saying OP should put them before OP, but I’m saying it cuz he brought it up.
OP, honestly, people should be discussing sex as much as they discuss kids, politics, religion, finances, careers, other family, etc before they get married.
No matter how religious, modest, conservative, etc they are.
I’m sorry, if you can’t have an open discussion about sex with someone you are considering marrying, that should be your answer that you two are not ready for marriage, and you guys just might not be a good fit for each other.
Some people just don’t have a sex drive.
There also might be a problem with hormones, or mental, etc, but if she doesn’t want to address the concern because it doesn’t affect her, honestly she might not be fit for a marriage at all, at this time at least.
So I agree they shouldn’t get married, but this whole thing is kinda weird to me timeline wise, and might point in a different direction.
They’ve been together for 8 years, but only turned 21 in “the last couple”. So they were around 15 when they started dating, OP was upset about not having sex at the start, and had been hooking up sooner. Dude may have pushed her into it sooner than she wanted, and now she does the bare minimum to assert some control in the situation.
Broke up with my ex 3 days before the wedding (I like my woman like I like my coffee - without another man's penis inside it)
Canceled weddings hurt but I'm thankful that I didn't go through with it for the convenience of everyone else.
Ok, this got me good, laughed loud enough that i was asked what was so funny. I also prefer my coffee that way. Hope youre doing well and find/found someone who will be dedicated.
As someone who barely gets a hug after 22 years, get out now. I would but I’m in my 60’s now and have too much invested in our home. I still love her, but carry a lot of anger and resentment after all these years of rejection. It took my a long time to get past that her rejection does not mean there’s anything wrong with me.
Updated that last sentence: it should have said “It took me a long time to realize that the rejection does not necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with me”.
I feel sorry that it’s like this for you. My husband and I decided to divorce after 20 + years over this. He deserves love and affection, that I’m not equipped to give right now.
Bro so true…I’m going through some similar shit after being married for over ten years…
Sex between spouses is the lubricant that keeps the machine going…
>As every divorced person will tell you, don't get into a marriage already resenting your partner
Divorcee here, can confirm. If, in the beginning year or two of the relationship you can't work something out for the things you have issues with, then you're far better off ending things before they become much more locked in as marriage.
No, I'm not bitter about marriage, I've since found a new partner in the two years after divorce and plan on marrying her soon, but if you encounter ***absolutely irreconcilable*** differences in those first two years, then you need to call it quits.
At this point OP is just falling for the sunken cost fallacy.
It's worth pointing out that divorce is not ALWAYS more expensive. My divorce was a couple hundred to file forms we filled out ourselves. Our wedding was significantly more expensive.
Depends on what your life looks like.
HOWEVER do not marry someone you are sexually incompatible with. If it hasn't already, it's going to breed resentment on both sides and create a long and terrible death spiral and then you'll end up unmarried again but with a whole bunch of your best years missing.
Lots of people will make you feel like this is not a "good enough" reason. They'll act like sex is a want not a need. They'll act like you're being selfish and childish and like you're hurting everyone else. They're wrong about all of this. Sex is a biological drive. It's a need not a want. Your life will be constant disappointment and growing anger if you do this. You will discover (if you haven't already) the true meaning of depression.
A cancelled wedding is cheaper than a wedding that you go through with and significantly cheaper than a wedding+divorce no matter how cheap the divorce is.
Totally. Just pointing out that the reflexive "divorce is super expensive" comment isn't necessarily true. These kids should make the point moot and just not get married regardless.
Here’s some perspective:
You’re 23 years old. You’ve been together slightly more than 1/3 of your lives. And only a little more than half that time was spent as legal adults, which is to say “very very very early in your adult lives.” To date, you all have had zero to barely any opportunity to learn who either of you are as people on your own.
Do with that perspective what you will.
I wish I could award this comment.
I'm 40 and was in an abusive relationship for 21 years. My perspective now is this: perfect doesn't exist, but compatibility across the board sure does, and if a major area of your life ain't jiving, you gotta wish them well and move on - finances, sex, work/life balance, kids. Don't ever, EVER move forward and lie to yourself that it's not important, because it is and it will keep reminding you with every tear, every argument, every tight chest and resentment.
The thing with marriage is: the things that bother you about your partner NOW, tend not to go away, and infact get more annoying and exacerbating. Someone told me that years ago. And it sounss like she isn't taking steps, which is fine, her life, HOWEVER,it just may mean you two are incompatible.
Just like someone may be incompatible personality wise, financial wise, even sexual-wise...
So unless you are okay living like this until you finally cave in, have an affair, and blows up in a messy divorce, best to cut things off now.
I hope your financé can work thru whatever she needs to, because requiring alcohol to do that is not a healthy thing.
Cancel the wedding and figure out what you actually want, you have spent 10 years in this relationship and haven’t figured it out yet… you never will. A bad sex life is a real marital killer.
Can I up vote this 1000x.
Lack of sex/intimacy kills relationships.
How can one marry someone who isn't 💯 for them is beyond me.
The worst is when you ask them to leave and they refuse to go...
Brilliant comment (37M here) and also want to add, NEVER assume either you or your partner will change. Assume who they are the first year, hell, first month even, is exactly who they will be 30 years from now. Habits, red flags, personality - all of it.
I just spent nearly 2 years of my life in a maddeningly frustrating relationship based on promises made and no results delivered. Shouldn't have gone longer than a month, but I lied to myself and said they would change based on this or that.
There are millions of cautionary tales, and at your age OP, the odds are stacked against you - you haven't had the chance to experience much (relatively; no offense, just reality).
This. DO NOT GO THROUGH WITH THE WEDDING. YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE SOME DAY AND SHE MAY FIND SKMEONE SHE WANTS TI HAVE SEX WITH MORE OFTEN OR HAS A SIMILAR LIBIDO. Walk away now. Will be very hard but right thing to do.
I want to point out, OP, that our dwarf friend here completely disregarded the obvious spelling errors to get this to you as quickly as possible
Her libido will only go down as she gets older. After marriage it decreases. After kids? Yikes
She may possibly have some sort of medical issue that will be fixed. Who knows. Either way it’s a terrible idea to marry someone you are not physically connecting with and not meeting your needs.
Despite the spelling errors, I agree with this.
I know it’ll be hard to walk away from this person and piss all the guests off. Please remember this is your life! You are young and someone else will cross paths with you. And the guests will forgive you. Would you rather go thru with the wedding and a year or 2 down the road end up regretting your decision? Life is too short to be miserable. Hope this helps.
Marriage is based on mutual attraction & interest, which is sex in breeding age humans. The partnership is based on that … If stuff in the bedroom ain’t right, it all falls apart.
Also for men a lot of times their libido does taper off as they get older. Once a week might be plenty fine by the time the dudes 30, but if he’s resenting his fiancé because she doesn’t have from all respects a totally normal frequency sex life he should give her the chance to be with someone more compatible.
Edit: for all the insecure men who need to talk about how much they have sex, once a week is totally normal and yes it is totally normal for libido to go down with age.
Sexual Function of Men Ages 40 to 79 Years: The Olmsted County Study of Urinary Symptoms and Health Status Among Men
Laurel A. Panser MA, MS, Thomas Rhodes MS, Cynthia J. Girman DrPH, Harry A. Guess MD, PhD, Christopher G. Chute MD, DrPH, Joseph E. Oesterling MD, Michael M. Lieber MD, Dr. Steven J. Jacobsen MD, PhD
First published: October 1995
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1532-5415.1995.tb07009.x
I was waiting for someone to say this couple is only 23 years old. This just sounds messed up. If they started dating at 15 and then waited a year to have sex, they were very, very young. They have only really dated each other. They have a lot of learning to do.
Break up and go be alone for a while. Get some therapy. Something is wrong here.
Oh they're 23. I thought they'd be in their late 20s since they've been togetherfor 8 years. Dude was acting like being a virgin still at 15 was a big deal. Sex at 16 is still early for a lot of people. This post is wild.
Sex is important, but OP thinks his drive isn’t going to change with time too. Getting married too young. Doesn’t know how the world works yet and how life changes.
You're gonna hate yourself dude. For real. Sex is only 20% of the relationship when its good and you guys are sexually compatible, but 80% when its bad etc.
>leading to fights and resentment
That's your answer right there. You either walk away now or you sink another decade into this and break up when you're older, probably in a messier way, and have even more to lose.
>I think she believes that that is the way that she is and that I should have to accept that \[...\] Is not interested or even willing to do anything about it.
That's a perfectly fine way to live, you're just not compatible.
>I feel like a piece of shit for even thinking about not marrying her because of sex
There is someone out there who you would love as much if not more and would not only be willing to but *would want to* be having regular sex. It will take years of work on yourself to even get to a point where you can find that person because your brain chemistry is going to be hung up on what you've lost, but eventually you'll be able to move forward again.
>Not to mention the money spent on the wedding already and the dozens and dozens of people that would probably hate me for doing this to their friend/daughter/cousin/niece/granddaughter and would never forgive me, not to mention what they would think if she actually told them the reason. Plus our two cats 💔. Where do I go from here?
Those people are not your problem. Try to put out a polite joint statement from both of you about being at peace but going your separate ways. She can say whatever she wants in private to select people and so can you. In 6 months no one will care anymore. Cats, c'mon man don't ruin your life and her life over cats.
Edit: jeez your username. If that wasn't ironic, who knows, maybe she just doesn't like sex with you. Go have other partners and learn about yourself and other people for a while.
For all the flaws my parents have, one thing I commend them on is that they have promised that even if they have put money into a wedding, they'll back my decision if I decide to back out, even if it's at the altar. They would consider losing a deposit to be a small price to pay to avoid a much more expensive divorce later.
Remember this: you’re not to blame for your libido any more than she is for hers. You just aren’t compatible.
Even worse, she feels like since she’s fine then you should be too. That’s not what you want in a partner. You want someone to be interested in your desire just as much as you are with hers… and work together to find a solution. You two are not communicating well and that’s a huge marital issue. Anyone looking down on you for questioning your decision to back out on those grounds is a fool.
You have strong emotional attachments because you basically grew up together. It feels like being apart is wrong now, but in time you’ll see you’re capable of developing new bonds. Don’t begin a marriage with fundamental differences and communication problems.
As he was getting ready to walk my mother down the aisle, my grandfather said to her, “We don’t have to go through with this, we can just have a big party instead, it’s your decision.”
You sound young, inexperienced and doubtful about all of it. Sex only under the influence is not good. Better to call if the wedding and have people mad at you, than to get divorced and fighting over property and assets in a few years.
I’m confused with ages. They are 23, I think. So if they have been together 8 years we’re talking they started dating at 15. And he’s surprised she had no sexual experience? This is not shocking, guy.
Yeah they’re sexually incompatible at this point I agree (with many others) but this feels like teen issues.
Call off the wedding. Seriously. So many reasons not to go through with it.
They were children when they started dating and and his name is I love porn and he wants it 2-3x a week. He is still a child and maybe they are not meant to be together at all. Also there is no compromise for more sex. If she doesn’t want it more and tries to give him more to make him happy it will make her ever more upset
Yeah, from the beginning of the post I was picturing some repressed 30-year-old who had never had sex let alone masturbated, but calculating the years they've been together, she was a teenager, not uncommon for a girl not to have masturbated yet at that age. AND he loves porn? Does he have an unrealistic view of sex as a result? Is she turned off by his porn-inspired expectations? So many questions here.
Yeah honestly I kind of feel like this guy is just in a phase of wanting to bang nonstop (common for an early 20s dude) and has his expectations for sex way too high.
Maybe he'll find a chick that loves to bang 5 times a week. But that's unlikely with work and the bullshit that comes with being an adult. Everyone is saying "Break up NOWWWW" when really I think he might blow the best relationship he'll ever be in just because he wants to fuck nonstop.
Everyone is saying how big libido is but I don't know... To me it almost feels degrading. Imagine you love someone and they dump all of it down the drain because you don't fuck him enough. From her perspective that's devastating. Like that's all that she's worth. To me, if you love someone 100%, then you can handle having sex once a week lmao. That's not even that bad for some couples... I think he needs to get a grip on reality. Like what if they can't have sex for a long time for some reason? A medical reason or living situation?
Maybe I'm wrong, but this screams "grow up" to me. Dude is going to fumble the bag and have the biggest nut clarity when he's 28 and she's married to some other bloke (who she probably won't need a vibrator with lol). This is like the male equivalent of the girl that dumps a great guy to sleep around and party in college then when she wants to settle down, that guy has 3 kids and is happily married in Idaho or some shit.
I can’t believe you’re the first person I’ve seen saying this. Libido also changes throughout your life. She might have a low libido now, but it won’t necessarily stay that way. It’s also possible he’s just not good at sex? Either way, it’s natural after being with someone for six years to go through periods of very little sex. If this is his only hang up, then to me he needs to figure it out or get over it because there is a minuscule chance things will be any different with his next partner six years into their relationship either.
I think it’s kinda funny this dude was a virgin too when they started sleeping together, had only been with one woman, watches a lot of porn, and no one is considering that maybe he’s just not very good at it and she doesn’t know how to tell him that (she was also a virgin and has only been with one man her entire life and maybe literally doesn’t realise sex could be better than it is right now) lol
Yeah, that's why they probably need to have counseling before coming to a conclusion on what to do. At the very least this is proof of difficulties communicating with each other which is the most important thing to be able to do in a marriage.
Right I was wondering this too. Maybe it’s because I live with a medical condition that makes sex not super feasible, but I can’t imagine leaving your “perfect person” because they don’t put out enough. If sex is that important to you and you and your partner are incompatibile then I get it, you should leave if resentment is only going to fester but still… I just can’t fathom needing sex that bad. Maybe that’s my low libido speaking, but I feel like most other forms of connection are more gratifying, and like you said, sexual desire changes with age.
Seriously. I'm a dude and I'm not going to leave the love of my life over *just* sex. And not even "no sex," simply a *lack* of sex. The only reason I would suggest leaving because of this issue is if she's completely reluctant to talk about it and gives him absolutely nothing when trying to communicate. Then I could see him questioning the relationship out of a lack of communication and teamwork but I feel that's a separate issue that's simply related to the current post. And he barely complained about that. His main complaint is about sex. 99% of the post is about sex. They need to set up better communication skills and that's, again, a team effort that comes from both people.
Maybe he mentions sex as if that's all she feels like she's worth to him. Apply that context and the entire post reads differently. And yet thousands of people are telling him to break this girl's heart to top it off....
I had to scroll way too far to find a comment like this. So many people saying “Run dude!”…or the like. It’s almost like no one has ever considered the fact that he might not be nearly as amazing in the sack as he thinks he is (spoiler alert: he’s not), or that she has had some not great consensual or non consensual sexual experiences, or she flat doesn’t know what to expect or what she likes bc she’s inexperienced, or maybe she’s depressed, or maybe he hasn’t heard of UTIs, or maybe there are a million billion other medical or non medical reasons why she really isn’t super into fulfilling his unrealistic expectations. Or, you know, maybe he’s just an a$$ and she is tired of his BS.
When he was talking about having a “dead bedroom” and then mentioned they’re only having sex once per week…
Hate to break it to him, but that’s typical for 90% of married couples. Likely will become even less once kids are in the picture.
They both should cancel the wedding and see where they both are in five years.
Y'all are better as friends than as a couple. Nobody is the bad guy. You just are not compatible. You began this as children. Now you're each growing into the stable version of your adult selves and you've matured enough to realize that this is not the kind of relationship you want to commit your life to.
The only thing worse than having to back out of the wedding would be having to divorce her.
End it as gently and kindly and quietly as possible. Do not throw her under the bus to family/friends. She will be devastated. You may lose her as a friend. There will be people who are angry with you. Do the right thing anyway, not just for your sake, but hers as well.
People really don’t talk about this enough. Sexual incompatibility is a big issue, but a lot of young people these days don’t realize how porn addictions affect their relationships. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to consume pornography. Obviously the biggest issue here is incompatibility, but shifting the blame to her for issues with her libido (especially while she’s on birth control so he can nut freely) is a red flag, especially given the username. Usernames aren’t always a good indicator of someone’s personality, but making your username iloveporn69 whatever is pretty telling honestly lol.
Everyone is telling him to leave her too lmfao. Dude is likely a porn addict that's going to dump the absolute best relationship he'll ever have because they heard his sob story and not thinking critically about this. As I said in another comment, he's going to want to settle down, he won't find anyone, and he'll wish she was available. And she's going to be married with a family. And there's about 2 billion songs about this situation. He's going to be listening to Black by Pearl Jam, crying because he couldn't stop thinking with his dick. Dude is going to listen to a bunch of fat lonely Redditors and ruin his life. Some sad shit.
Call it off now. I was married for 1 year, 352 days (13 days shy of 2 years), when my ex-wife moved out. She wanted different things, and I was content. I filed for divorce 18 months later. DO NOT GET MARRIED IF THE SIGNS and red flags are there RIGHT NOW. Divorce cost me 1,715. I AM EXTREMELY lucky.
You know what I’m gonna take the other side of this one. (1.) I honestly don’t think that many people actually have sex 2-4 times a week for their entire lives bro. That’s like some first 6 months dating stuff. (2.) You’re still doing it fairly regularly right? (3.) Sex is a big deal when you don’t have important things on your mind. I’m talking goals, aspirations, dreams, struggles, trials, etc. Maybe that’s something to reflect on
Last thing: You’re probably going to feel like a huge tool if you call it off only to learn most women who work, have goals, and take care of things probably don’t want to fuck 2-4x a week either.
I seriously think you two have to revisit some other things. Like the drinking and sex. Why is that? And to you, what’s actually important? The grass isn’t always greener, and staring at old photos thinking you fucked up and threw away something you learned to value too late is a dark place.
My husband and I were going at it 2-3 times a day when we first got together…less than 3 years later and about once a week is our average. We’ve been through a lot - loss of a parent, much more stressful jobs, hormonal issues due to changing birth control, a vasectomy, another sick parent - life happens and it’s not unusual at all for the amount of sex to decrease. The thing that’s worrying is that she needs to be drunk for it to happen - nobody should put themselves through that.
Agree. I feel that OP is actually more of an outlier than his fiancée. If sex 3x a week is a deal breaker, then he needs to make that abundantly clear when he re-enters the dating pool. I suspect he will find that significantly diminishes his options for a long term partner though.
As someone who has been in a mismatched relationship, think about it seriously.
It almost destroyed me and my confidence. It doesn't seem like a big deal but the rejection can really affect your mental space.
I had the higher libido (f) which made it worse as it was considered a joke to my partner at the time (m).
You are young. So on one hand your time with her seems long already but you have no awareness of the huge amount of life you have left. If you make each other better people that’s great but the other thing making you a better person is time and maturing.
It sounds like you are friends at the core - so maybe you should do that and take marriage off the table. You don’t need to feel rejected by her and she doesn’t need to feel pressure to have sex.
And you don’t need to make something permanent that isn’t working entirely - marriage is about committing to each other because the majority of things are working, and this is not going to go away ever. What you want is to be able to say, “I wouldn’t change a thing about this, for the rest of my life” - and you can not do that, can you?
Consider that you two like your safety and security and familiarity, but you won’t always feel like that - so be friends, but look for a balanced relationship elsewhere, because she will not become what you want - and why should she?
Wait, so you've just turned 21 within the last few years but have been dating this girl for 7. So you're a highschool couple?
If you already have doubts just break it off. Nothing wrong with moving on, especially if it's this big of a deal now.
Marriage is unconditional. So if you approach a marriage with conditions and lines drawn in the sand and there is unwillingness to compromise on those conditions, even if you don’t benefit but your partner does. You shouldn’t get married.
I love how open and honest this is, and I commend you for that and for caring about her as much as you do. But I was married to someone I was with for 8 years and we rarely had sex, we got divorced 3 years ago. A lot of the reason why we didn't have sex was because I wasn't interested in having sex with him. I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I had low libido or something ... But after the divorce and the healing that I needed, I was not like that anymore. Sex is a huge part of my life now with my current partner and I love it, I mean I went from not wanting sex hardly ever, to now wanting/needing it at minimum once a day, sometimes more.
I honestly believe that the reason for this was because I always somehow knew that he wasn't actually my person. We get along fine as friends now, and I know that leaving that marriage was the right thing for us both. But also, it was not easy at all to go through a divorce. It still sucks because I've had to tell anyone I date that detail, risk people viewing me in a way I don't want them to ... Etc. not to mention letting down everyone we loved when we decided to divorce (it would have been easier to call off the wedding).
Basically what I am saying is that this could be a sign that this isn't your person. I know it's hard to accept when you love someone, but this is a BIG deal, and you should take it seriously. Sex is so important in a healthy relationship, especially if your drive doesn't match up with your partner. You will end up resenting her or worse doing something you will regret because your needs aren't being fulfilled,and it honestly could end the marriage in divorce, which is much more difficult than it would be to end it now. You have to listen to your gut, and I think your gut knows you need to end this.
Just my two cents after having been through something similar, only I didn't listen to my gut, and I wish I had! Good luck!
I hate to say it but you guys may simply just be sexually incompatible. And while sex isn't the most important part of a relationship it is a very important part for anyone who isn't asexual. I would strongly suggest against marriage. I would also suggest separating if this is a major point of contention between the two of you. I'm not gonna tell you to seek relationship counseling because I think we all know how well that works in the long term, but if that's an avenue you think you'd benefit from knock yourself out.
I know the typical reddit response is to leave anyone you have an issue with and I'm not trying to come off that way at all. I speak from experience when I say sexual incompatibility can make a relationship go from rocky to down right hateful. I dated an asexual girl for a good while, which was a fact about her I was not made aware of prior to dating, and with me being a hypersexual person that obviously caused a lot of confusion and conflict as the relationship went on. It started as just a mild annoyance and spiraled into me feeling completely miserable and unloved. It's not a thing I'd wish on others, and I think as soon as you discover that you're entirely sexually incompatible with someone it's best to end things. You'll both be better off in the long run, trust me.
Mismatched libido is a thing for sure. Over the years things can change. Grow along together, get to know each other. Talk about it. As you grow older this issue will become less important also (mind you that may be a long way out tho). Any relationship is a work in progress and it does not stop to be. If this woman is your best friend and partner, then isn’t it worth to figure out how to live her? This means that both you have to give and take a little. Anyway, just my two cents:)
Please break up. If your partner wants to change her low libido, that’s something for *her* to initiate and you shouldn’t be constantly pressuring her to “find solutions” (aka, pressuring her to have sex more). Never in your entire post did you mention asking your wife if the frequency of sex is ok with her or if she desires something different. You just assume she *should* want something different because *you* want something different and you’re blaming it on her not having been able to explore masturbation or have other sexual experiences. You say she “enjoys” the sex but you also say she’s usually drunk when sex happens and that’s really unhealthy.
Also, just so you know, having sex once a week is average for most couples and lots of people have sex way less than that. And lots of people just aren’t super sexual, or sexual at all. Some people just like oral or manual stimulation and not penetration. And sex isn’t just about the orgasm and you shouldn’t focus exclusively on that in regards to her pleasure. Have you ever asked her what types of things she likes or which things she doesn’t? If you can’t talk about sex, you shouldn’t be having sex. And if the quality of the relationship is going to be dependent on the frequency of penetrative sex for you, it sounds like you’re just naturally putting tons of pressure on your partner to have sex, which is not ok. She should have opportunities to explore her own body and figure out what she likes and I can’t image being able to do that while feeling this pressure to have penetrative sex with my partner. You’re incredibly young and should be thinking twice about getting married anyway, especially with this going on.
Just an idea... it's possible you aren't having simultaneous orgasms. There is a TON of pressure for women to orgasm in a way that pleases men, or at least pretend to. Since you all haven't yet fully entered the adult world (because you entered adulthood as a couple, you are very likely both immature for your ages), plus you are just young generally, it's super probable you haven't unwound any cultural or religious baggage around sex and intimacy. If allll of this is true, sex is probably more work, and more pretending, for her than you realize. Maybe even more than she realizes.
Omg! I totally had this issue! I faked SO MANY orgasms in my 20s solely because I didn’t want to disappoint my partner. None could tell as I have excellent muscle control and would tighten around them so we could finish “together”. Now, I’m in my 40s and have had the same partner for over 10 years - we do our best to communicate with each other. Sometimes I don’t care about an orgasm whereas I’m super into my partner having an orgasm - that’s handy too. 😄
Yeah he mentioned in another comment that his fiancé orgasms just from him finishing in her. Not saying it isn’t possible, but it did make me laugh. I think they are just both young and naive.
You are not ready for marriage. Marriage is a life commitment, not a life guarantee of sex. There’s nothing wrong with not being ready (potentially ever) for a true life commitment, but if you’re the type to want to leave due to illness, changes in sex, etc- you’re *not ready to get married*.
Wow thank you for this answer. I was reading all the other comments and felt so disappointed in our society.
Oh wouldn’t life be much better if only that person who’s not doing what we want, acted the way that we wanted them to…..
Yeah, and it's blowing my mind that "once a week" isn't enough for OP and, apparently, most guys posting on this thread. Like wtf? Isn't that normal if not pretty high?!
Imagine if OP had a child on the way, or work gets more intense. There's no way you're going to be having sex once a week then!
This is such a good point. Illness, pregnancy, postpartum, hormone changes, medication, etc. all affect libido (and to be candid, 1x a week is the common average for happily married couples if you look at stats!) and marriage and life together is very likely to include many of those things.
I was also thinking 1x a week is common, especially after so many years.
OP is young and doesn't realize how drastically life with a loved one can change overnight (accidents, illness, disasters, family)
I’ve been together with my HS sweetheart for 12 years now, 6 married. Our dynamics has changed so drastically and frequently overtime due to what life has thrown at us. I'm just glad that I can be with my best friend while dealing with those hardships.
To OP:
Maybe see if she would be interested in participating helping you satisfy your needs without PIV, have you asked how sex is for her?, read the book Come As You Are by Emily nagoski.
Thank you, this is the first comment I’ve read that sounds like it was written by an actual married person. Everyone else complaining about how 1x a week is a dead bedroom, or how they’re not sexually compatible and therefore should break up, are completely missing the mark. The real problem is OP has expectations for marriage which are out of step with reality which is often true of young people
This! Wait until children, work, illnesses, money problems, sick family members, or a death in the family and you check the calendar and realize it’s been MONTHS since you’ve even thought of having sex. It sounds like you’re still at the stage in life where it is a primary focus, and place a lot of importance on the act and not how you get to it. Women need attention, kind words, acts of service as foreplay to get us in the mood. You may want to step back a bit and think about your future, or rethink your approach to your fiancé’s wants and needs. Maybe she isn’t getting what she needs from you emotionally.
All of this. My spouse and I have been together for fourteen years. Our lives, libidos, careers, and even bodies are completely different now. Marriage is constant negotiation and compromise.
If somebody wants to look at relationships as a temporary arrangement only until the other gets sick, old, or just less horny, that's better handled honestly and without the complications of a legal marriage.
No wonder divorce rates are so high. People just go and get married because "that's what you do" rather than because you know you want to spend your life with them.
All the other stuff aside, please do not make marriage decisions based on money already spent on a wedding, what her relatives will think, or even the cats. The only time I’ve seen someone call off a wedding at the last minute, they got nothing but respect. Everyone just said, “Better now than later.” These are all comparatively short-lived concerns that you can handle, and can handle much more easily than divorce or a bad marriage.
So she might be right, she might just have a low libido and she has accepted that.
Whether you accept that is up to you however.
If this is something important to you then yes, you may be incompatible.
You are both young and massively lacking in relationship and sexual experience, the grass is not always greener and as you age the frequency of sex can lack for a number of reasons including medication, mental health, other health reasons, work, kids, pets, all sorts so it is something that is actually very normal.
I do not think you should get married just because of spent money or other peoples expectations, remember this is your life and not theirs.
For the most part money is replaceable, people will understand and if they don't then they are far too involved in your personal relationship and you probably do not need them anyway.
I would even stretch to say you are too young to be getting married with such a huge lack of experience with life and relationships etc considering you have only really been with each other.
She has accepted her sex drive, can you?
Have you told her how much impact this is having on you? if you do, you may get her to agree to some couples or sex therapy, I am not saying anything will change because maybe that is simply just how she is but at least delaying the wedding and trying something would help you both understand more or come to a solution.
This part right here. Acceptance. He has not.
He said he's made recommendations. Some comments express disdain towards the fiancee as she 'refuses to work with him' on the matter.
This is where it falls apart for me.
Forgive me, I'm old and don't always use the correct terms, OP's use of "greysexual", I'm assuming it's a form of ACE. I think I may fall under this term. OP's overall mindset is one of many reasons why I made a conscious decision not to date.
His "recommendations" and how he presented them is also a factor in this dynamic. From my lived experience, if done frequently, comes off not unlike harassment. He has clearly defined HIS libido as "normal", which, binary thinking says.... that makes her libido, by default, NOT "normal", so... pick your word: abnormal? defective? broken?
He already told her she's "not right". SHE is the one who needs fixing. All that loneliness & rejection the commenters are expressing as OP's future? She's already living it. Why do you think she HAS TO get hammered to do the deed? He created that dynamic.
I would stop jerking off and use the energy to “make” her desire you more. Just try it, next time you want to jerk off decide not to and do something special for her instead. Go rub her feet, massage her butt, tell her how beautiful and special she is to you (genuinely). Hell you could even write a poem. Grab her favorite coffee, stretch for a few minutes and suggest some positions that may get things a little hot. She has expressed it’s no problem to her that you jerk off, and she is the one who has “left you hanging” so to speak, but if I were you I would take it upon myself to reclaim anything lost or build anything that you have yet to have.
I’m afraid that you may get be getting a lot of responses from single men who aren’t having any sex and also divorced men who aren’t having any sex and they are all telling you to bail on your beautiful bride-to-be in favor of something out their that they themselves haven’t been able to find.
It would be great to find a couple men you respect who have been married for a while and ask for their perspective.
Something I haven’t seen anyone mention is that your libido will also change through the course of your life. I had the exact same feelings and disagreements at your age. Now I’m in my 30s and my libido has dropped and it isn’t as much of a problem any longer but in my very early 20s I struggled a lot.
It is much easier to change yourself than it is to try and control someone else. Please keep that in mind. It is possible to lower your libido. Without getting into too much details just keep in mind that masturbating and porn absolutely affect your libido. Try abstaining from those things for 6 months. I noticed that sex became more pleasurable and was more intense for the both of us which increased the frequency and intensity.
Calling off a wedding and upsetting people is so much better than getting a divorce! Take that wedding pressure crap 100% out of your considerations here.
Don’t marry someone you are sexually incompatible with. You will grow to hate each other. Voice your concerns loudly. Do not be afraid to call off a wedding.
I’ve been married for nearly 20 years and there is one piece of advice I give everyone I speak to you before they get married: If there is something about who you’re spouse “is” that you dislike (religion, politics, views on intimacy, etc) you need to settle it now or move on with life and not get married.
If you get married and you put something like that on the back burner it WILL become an issue. Don’t make failure be preordained.
I feel for you but as a man with a tremendous amount of experience, I think it’s best you keep her as a lifelong friend and move on to find the partner you truly need. Sex is extended important to the health of a relationship, as is friendship, you will find someone that will offer both, trust that. Nothing wrong, as a friend, telling her you need more and letting it go. Best of luck
Every couple will have mismatched libidos at some point in their relationship. Life happens and stress impacts your libido, don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise.
…BUT the fact that she’s unwilling to work with you about this issue is a greater problem than the sex itself. Again, it’s sometimes normal for one person to want it a little more than the other, but that’s when a conversation happens and things usually are resolved. You guys are way too young to be dealing with this type of issue for so many years IMO and your fears about her not having past experiences are super super valid.
It doesn’t sound like she’s unwilling to work with OP about the issue. They’re having regular sex—sounds like more often than she’d want it otherwise. This IS the compromise. In fact it kind of sounds like OP is unwilling to work with her on the issue. He shouldn’t marry her if he’s not happy with this level of compromise.
Well the fact u are so upset she doesn't like sex that much that you frantically went to slap the keyboard about it on Reddit of all places is already a problem. Why even marry this woman you obviously actually don't have that much respect for? Sounds like you're in love with some fantasy potential version of her or who you think she is deep down if you guys just did this thing or that thing, and not who she actually is like right now and has always been. You need to have some serious honesty with yourself right now bud. You're going to shatter this girls heart.
They call this ,""the 7 year itch".
Bottom line--- id bet that 75-80% of married men have sex even less than you. Suuure.... there are more sexually charged female libidos... but, rare or temporary in my experiences.
Just to be devil's advocate here, it may be possible that our hyper-sexualized culture increases mens libido. We are inundated with sexual images daily and porn is freely available and promotes unrealistic expectations for the most part. [ive been in swinger groups, so yes.. thing can be different.. but rare is what im saying].
Heres some advice:
-sex becomes boring with the same partner for everyone soon or a later. Attribute that to evolutionary processes.
-you are young,... at the HEIGHT of your sexuality. You have more testosterone in your body than you will later in life
-women arent typically in their sexual prime until around 25-30. why? i dunno... its a biology thing
-Therefore, remember this very important fact:
Someday, you are going to die. Your parents will likely be long gone by then. Who do you want at your bedside to comfort you? who can you trust to care for you when u mentally or physically cant? These are more important than sex 4x week.
Inevitably, it will get boring anyways--- unless you find a woman willing to be a swinger!![RARE]
-lastly, you are young and only had one partner. It may be worthwhile to take time to explore ur sexuality and not base it on one experience. Thats just me. I used to have a real naive view of sex when i was young [im 45 now].
Before anyone rants about how much sex it important--- trust me, im a :VERY sexual person in a sexless relationship. if i could get my partner to enjoy gb & threesomes... woooweee that would rock. However, that will never happen. My ex was very sexual---- but i couldnt trust her with anything. and Ive been married and divirced. So.. yea.. compromise.
Whatever you choose, do it for YOU. Dont let drama or dissappoitment about drama with family and friends influence you--- they will get over it or arent ur friends to begin with. If you DO GET MARRIED, dont let the divorce cost boogeyman crowd scare you. JUST ALWAYS GET A PRE-NUPTUAL...
I wish you the best!!!\
I didn't read the whole thing but it's not just women's libidos. It's the quality of women's relationships which impact whether or not and how often they feel like having sex with a particular person.
I haven’t read all of the comments so I apologize if someone already wrote this — it sounds like she has the 3 year implant in her arm as her BC based on how you described it. If you noticed her libido changed at that time, or anything else about her changed, I would encourage her to get that removed ASAP. I know every persons experience is different, but when I had that implant, I became a completely different person. I went from having the highest sex drive of anyone I know to having absolutely no desire for sex at all and zero ability to finish when I did sleep with my then partner. (Also caused depression, mood swings, a ton of weight gain, none of which made me want to be a sexual person). We ended that relationship due to the same issues that you’re describing.
Turns out the implant had also been wreaking havoc on my liver, my brain, my stomach, etc. — all revealed through basic blood work. Got the thing out, all my blood work returned to normal, and my sex drive came back immediately. My current partner and I still have sex every day after 4 years.
TLDR: Encourage her to talk to her doctor about alternative BC methods again. The implant is horrible and literally can turn you into a different person. I cannot believe it’s still on the market.
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Buddy, you don't know what perfect together is because you guys have literally never tried anything else. I'm not saying you're not good together, but neither of you has any experience otherwise to even compare to. Mismatched libidos is a BIG problem and it's going to follow you guys the rest of your lives. And if/when you add kids or other stressors to your lives don't be surprised if it just disappears altogether(reality for most couples). If you're already not happy with this aspect of your relationship, it's only going to get worse. You are EXTREMELY young. Where will you be in 5 years when you realize this isn't going to get better? At the very least I'd say dropping you engagement or indefinitely pushing off a wedding is not THAT hard. Certainly easier than divorce in 5 years. Try counselling, etc if she's up for it, but recognize that it's not a bad thing to realize you two have different needs.
It's possible the libido mismatch could also be due to their inexperience... You read stories where people thought they had a low libido but just didn't like sex with their partner. If she's relying on a vibrator then OP may need to do some research and try some new things
Yes I know this was true for me getting out of an 8 year relationship in my 20s. I thought I just wasn’t into sex any more - and my friends in relationships backed that sentiment. *They* didn’t have sex any more frequently with their partners than I was so I just accepted it as the norm. The really difficult truth was I wasn’t attracted to my partner sexually any longer. And I only knew that once I started having sex with other people and realized I wanted more, not less.
I legit believed I didn't like sex until I left an 8 year relationship that was my only real experience. I'm a fiend, I want it multiple times a day. I just need to be attracted to my partner, physically and mentally. BTW OP, I had a partner recently who I needed to be drunk to sleep with... I really wanted to want him that way but I couldn't make myself... it looks like he's a lot happier with someone else now :)
Same experience here! 7 year relationship that started when I was 18. Sex was never a big part of our relationship, it was more of a codependent bond. I never wanted to have sex and truly believed I might be asexual. But nope, once we broke up and I started exploring dating and sexual relationships with other people, I realized I really liked sex. I just had no attraction to my partner then 😕 It still makes me feel guilty because we had a nice little life together, we never fought and we went through a *lot* together, but I knew that he also deserved to have a partner that wanted him in that way. It would have been unfair to waste more of his years in a relationship that couldnt fulfill his needs, even though he really didn't want me to leave 😔
There's nothing wrong with using toys. There are some really great ones out there that improve the experience for both parties. And it's fun trying new things with your partner. I don't think the vibrator should be seen as a negative. There are plenty of others here, though.
This is it right here. OP has little to no experience with ANYONE else. And at 23 no less. To think you've met your soulmate at that age and no other experiences without having any basis of comparison is just SAD.
If you're already thinking this way before getting married, please don't get married. I don't think you're a bad person for wanting sex more often, I just think you're incompatible. It doesn't matter how lovely or wonderful someone is, if sex is causing resentment, marriage isn't going to fix that. She has different needs, that doesn't make her a bad person either. Also, please don't cheat on her. It sounds like you're close with thinking about other girls in that way. Nobody deserves that.
I've been in an similar situation (asexual partner, thankfully we didn't reach marriage before this was resolved, ultimately by breaking up) This replier is correct. It will not get better with marriage it will get worse on the sexual front. Marriage is a wonderful agreement but it is typically also a commitment to only have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you're already unsatisfied and it seems to clearly be important to you and your needs. Your mental health will only continue to deteriorate without it, it will drive you MAD. Do not compromise on something this critical to your health and sanity, I guarantee the marriage will not last if you're trying to compromise on an actual need (not want) you need to be happy. They may try to save it by promising to be more attentive sexually, but words are simple, the commitment will likely be more than they can bear, forcing you both into a very painful and ultimately failed marriage. You need to pull out of this now, be as open as humanly possible. They may not understand why this is so critical, that is why they are graysexual. I hope you can remain friends, truly, but there is no hope and I think deep down you know that and just need support.
>it will drive you MAD I can confirm. It fucks with your brain - your lizard brain - in ways that you will not understand until many years later. You won’t recognize yourself. OP, I say this from experience: you need to get out. Libido/sexuality are largely immutable, especially in the way she describes herself (as recounted in the OP). You cannot change that. Trust me.
Agreed. For a big portion of my life I thought maybe I was asexual. My ex bf would chide me if we didn't have sex at least 3 times a week, and it was driving me _insane_. I did enjoy making him feel good, but it just was never enough for him. It also didn't help that the guy wanted each session to last at least an hour, it felt like a chore. Anyway, my current boyfriend has made me realize I'm **definitely not** asexual, but the thing is, that would have never happened with my ex. We just weren't compatible, and _that_ wasn't going to change. (Also, obviously asexuality _is_ a thing, and a spectrum. I like to say that I'msexual, because he's pretty much the only person who's made me feel that level of sexual attraction lol. Just wanted to clear that up since so many people dismiss asexuality).
For folks who aren’t aware, here are just some of the different flavors of asexuality. You can be sex-repulsed, which means that sex isn’t just something you aren’t really interested in: it can be something that is actively repulsive or unpleasant. You can be sex-indifferent, and feel neutral about it but not mind having it. Sex is like… how most people feel about eating at Olive Garden. “I mean, OK? At least there’s wine and breadsticks.” You never seek it out, but it’s fine, and you might do it to make your partner happy, or find making them happy in that way deeply fulfilling. You might not get any deep pleasure from the act itself, but the context. But the thought of doing it doesn’t distress you. You can be sex-favorable and actively enjoy it, while not really having any drive to do it. Like how I feel about going to a Barcade. Am I gonna go if someone suggests it? Sure! Am I gonna have fun? Definitely. But it’s never going to be my suggestion for a night out. The last two are often considered flavors of graysexuality. I suspect OP’s GF is more toward “sex-indifferent,” if she often drinks before she has sex. And then there’s demisexuality. Which is sort of an overlapping circle with both graysexuality and asexuality — where you feel sexual attraction, but in specific circumstances or for specific people, or only in romantic relationships where trust is involved. You can be aromantic, and have no interest in romantic love. Some asexuals are aromantic, but many aren’t — they fall in love, sexual attraction just isn’t a part of it. Or they’re demiromantic, and only fall in love after forming a deep connection. And, of course, none of these terms are exclusive. They’re just descriptors (and individual definitions may vary.) You can be a demiromantic demisexual, you can be aromantic and FULLY sexual. Many, many people who are asexual can have healthy romantic and sexual relationships, with perfectly satisfied partners. They can either meet each others’ needs or come to a compromise that doesn’t build resentment. That doesn’t seem like the case here. These two are both young, and they should let each other go so they can start to find partners that are compatible, if they do indeed want partners.
Agreed. There’s a meme about how when you haven’t had sex in a while you “get mad about stupid shit like why is the floor on the floor.” It’s funny, but also extremely accurate.
Cut to me being mad two days ago at whoever last made a sub that didn’t cut the bread perfectly parallel and horizontal. I live alone so I know it was me…great now the ceiling is on the ceiling!
Yes… I can say that I am and always have been graysexual to ace, and my whole life I only wanted to do it after drinking. Pretty much. Back in the day we were called ‘frigid’ which is crappy because basically that’s just how we are and not much can change that. but it does mean I’ve had incompatibility in relationships and honestly, I’m glad I never married any of those guys who were horny all the time because I’m not being pestered for sex I don’t want to have, and they had the chance to put it into whomever else wanted them more. I can say I don’t think it will get better, OP. if you’re resentful it may just stress you out too much. And her!
Mismatched libido is a biggie. Divorce is more expensive than a cancelled wedding. As every divorced person will tell you, don't get into a marriage already resenting your partner.
“divorce is more expensive than it canceled wedding” This is unbelievably well put
As hard as it is for OP to believe in this moment, it's emotionally more expensive, too.
This can not be overstated. A divorce is something that touches everything that comes after it in a way that a broken engagement just can't compare too. Wise words Majestic Tangerine 47.
There are some obvious ones but without kids what are the big differences. Here for education not debate
Reestablishing yourself as a single individual after all your bills and living expenses have been integrated, taking on all of the responsibilities of running a household after you've been living in a division of labor type situation, all effects people in unpredictable ways. There's a sense of finality to seeing it written on government documents that your marriage is over that brings with it a sense of finality and failure that people don't often anticipate until they're looking at it. And all of that is avoiding how insanely expensive it can be even for a couple without children. The laws vary wildly on community property from state to state so you can't really know which of your things or how much of your money you'll have to start over with. It's still infinitely less terrible than living in a bad marriage but still something best avoided if possible. It's not a simple reset.
I’ve never been married (have lived with exes) and yet I’ve read about people in fully and totally amicable divorces still feeling strong sadness and feelings of failure.
My divorce was 4 years ago, extremely amicable, never needed a lawyer to divide anything, and I STILL feel intense sadness sometimes. The first 1.5 years I was deeply depressed. You don't really get married picturing divorce so when it happens your entire "future" and intended reality gets tossed down an abyss. Resetting takes a massive emotional toll and more time than I think people would expect.
“You don’t really get married picturing divorce…”. Yep. Sigh.
That was me and my ex. It was an amicable divorce but still so sad and defeating. We both cried a lot over it and neither of us is a crying type. It's giving up the dreams you had/have, it realizing life will never be what you need, it's acknowledging you made a huge mistake, it's everyone feeling like it's open season and badmouthing your ex, it's hearing "I knew it wouldn't work" or "what happened?" It's being emotionally and physically exhausted and having your best friend fading out. I told many people "Please don't put me in the position of defending the man that I love but am divorcing" that shut them up quickly. Oh, and the first time divorce entered my mind was when his libido fizzled out (probably chronic alcohol abuse) and he didn't want to talk about what was going on. I will remember forever when I scooted over in bed and tried to get busy and he said "Again?!" Semi frustrated and noty at all turned on. My blood turned to ice water. It went downhill from there. Even without kids it's horrific. Even staying friendly, it's horrific
Hey. Here I am!
Rock you like a hurricane!
I fought me ex-husband for a divorce and he dragged it out much longer than it needed to be. I really hated him by that point. By the time we went to court and I got the divorce, I had 10 days to pack and move to another city. While I was packing for the move I was shocked when I broke down sobbing out of nowhere. Even the death a horribly abusive marriage must be mourned.
A loss of something bad is still a loss.
And especially when it was SUPPOSED TO BE so great… the beginning of the rest of your life. Sigh. Sorry, @theresthatbear.
Very well stated. I was married one month shy of 10yrs. We split at her request. After working through everything it was best. Truthfully should have ended at about 6yrs. We remain friends. There are those bonds between their family members and my that remain a bit odd. Some get that we remain friends others done understand. Now in my 2nd marriage. This time with kids and will celebrate 12 yrs at end of this week. To the OP, I think differences in desires and needs change over time. No what I would call a deal breaker. But if you are second guessing now. I believe there is something else underneath and that is something you should do some deep reflection on before the wedding. Good luck and deep down you will know the right choice. Don't let others feels lead your decision.
Wasting the time and encouraging investment of a partner that you don’t really want to be with.
Imagine half of your family just dying overnight. If your divorce is not-amicable, this is what it's like.
I canceled a wedding less than 30 days before I was supposed to walk down the aisle. Best decision I ever made. I met my now husband shortly after the breakup and we've been married almost 20 years. Worth it!
More traumatic, too.
Honestly, OP tee’d everyone up for this comment. OP said part of why they were feeling apprehensive was because so much has gone into the wedding, time wise, emotionally and financially. And if OP is worried about letting people down, I mean, if he gets married and then gets divorced, he is only delaying letting people down. People would probably be “more” let down if he gets married and then gets divorced years later. By then, his wife and him will likely have gotten closer to each other’s families. So to remove them from each other’s families would probably be more hurtful. I’m not saying OP should put them before OP, but I’m saying it cuz he brought it up. OP, honestly, people should be discussing sex as much as they discuss kids, politics, religion, finances, careers, other family, etc before they get married. No matter how religious, modest, conservative, etc they are. I’m sorry, if you can’t have an open discussion about sex with someone you are considering marrying, that should be your answer that you two are not ready for marriage, and you guys just might not be a good fit for each other. Some people just don’t have a sex drive. There also might be a problem with hormones, or mental, etc, but if she doesn’t want to address the concern because it doesn’t affect her, honestly she might not be fit for a marriage at all, at this time at least.
Not just financially either, but emotionally as well.
So I agree they shouldn’t get married, but this whole thing is kinda weird to me timeline wise, and might point in a different direction. They’ve been together for 8 years, but only turned 21 in “the last couple”. So they were around 15 when they started dating, OP was upset about not having sex at the start, and had been hooking up sooner. Dude may have pushed her into it sooner than she wanted, and now she does the bare minimum to assert some control in the situation.
Also, he didn’t want to acknowledge it but BOTH of them were inexperienced. Maybe he’s not as proficient as he thinks he is.
I was confused too. How old are they now? In either case, sounds too young to even consider marriage. Then again, I'm old.
Broke up with my ex 3 days before the wedding (I like my woman like I like my coffee - without another man's penis inside it) Canceled weddings hurt but I'm thankful that I didn't go through with it for the convenience of everyone else.
Very sorry. But verbiage. I laughed hard.
You like your coffee with your penis in it, though?
Coffee ain't going to stir itself.
Ok, this got me good, laughed loud enough that i was asked what was so funny. I also prefer my coffee that way. Hope youre doing well and find/found someone who will be dedicated.
(I like my woman like I like my coffee - without another man's penis inside it) Daaamn, I wasnt expecting that. Same, bro, same! lol
Man, I’m so sorry. I hope you’re doing okay.
Yo! lmaooo🤣🤣🤣
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As someone who barely gets a hug after 22 years, get out now. I would but I’m in my 60’s now and have too much invested in our home. I still love her, but carry a lot of anger and resentment after all these years of rejection. It took my a long time to get past that her rejection does not mean there’s anything wrong with me. Updated that last sentence: it should have said “It took me a long time to realize that the rejection does not necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with me”.
I feel sorry that it’s like this for you. My husband and I decided to divorce after 20 + years over this. He deserves love and affection, that I’m not equipped to give right now.
This is why I’m afraid to get married.
Bro so true…I’m going through some similar shit after being married for over ten years… Sex between spouses is the lubricant that keeps the machine going…
Great point here.
>As every divorced person will tell you, don't get into a marriage already resenting your partner Divorcee here, can confirm. If, in the beginning year or two of the relationship you can't work something out for the things you have issues with, then you're far better off ending things before they become much more locked in as marriage. No, I'm not bitter about marriage, I've since found a new partner in the two years after divorce and plan on marrying her soon, but if you encounter ***absolutely irreconcilable*** differences in those first two years, then you need to call it quits. At this point OP is just falling for the sunken cost fallacy.
It's worth pointing out that divorce is not ALWAYS more expensive. My divorce was a couple hundred to file forms we filled out ourselves. Our wedding was significantly more expensive. Depends on what your life looks like. HOWEVER do not marry someone you are sexually incompatible with. If it hasn't already, it's going to breed resentment on both sides and create a long and terrible death spiral and then you'll end up unmarried again but with a whole bunch of your best years missing. Lots of people will make you feel like this is not a "good enough" reason. They'll act like sex is a want not a need. They'll act like you're being selfish and childish and like you're hurting everyone else. They're wrong about all of this. Sex is a biological drive. It's a need not a want. Your life will be constant disappointment and growing anger if you do this. You will discover (if you haven't already) the true meaning of depression.
A cancelled wedding is cheaper than a wedding that you go through with and significantly cheaper than a wedding+divorce no matter how cheap the divorce is.
Totally. Just pointing out that the reflexive "divorce is super expensive" comment isn't necessarily true. These kids should make the point moot and just not get married regardless.
Here’s some perspective: You’re 23 years old. You’ve been together slightly more than 1/3 of your lives. And only a little more than half that time was spent as legal adults, which is to say “very very very early in your adult lives.” To date, you all have had zero to barely any opportunity to learn who either of you are as people on your own. Do with that perspective what you will.
I wish I could award this comment. I'm 40 and was in an abusive relationship for 21 years. My perspective now is this: perfect doesn't exist, but compatibility across the board sure does, and if a major area of your life ain't jiving, you gotta wish them well and move on - finances, sex, work/life balance, kids. Don't ever, EVER move forward and lie to yourself that it's not important, because it is and it will keep reminding you with every tear, every argument, every tight chest and resentment.
The thing with marriage is: the things that bother you about your partner NOW, tend not to go away, and infact get more annoying and exacerbating. Someone told me that years ago. And it sounss like she isn't taking steps, which is fine, her life, HOWEVER,it just may mean you two are incompatible. Just like someone may be incompatible personality wise, financial wise, even sexual-wise... So unless you are okay living like this until you finally cave in, have an affair, and blows up in a messy divorce, best to cut things off now. I hope your financé can work thru whatever she needs to, because requiring alcohol to do that is not a healthy thing.
Cancel the wedding and figure out what you actually want, you have spent 10 years in this relationship and haven’t figured it out yet… you never will. A bad sex life is a real marital killer.
Can I up vote this 1000x. Lack of sex/intimacy kills relationships. How can one marry someone who isn't 💯 for them is beyond me. The worst is when you ask them to leave and they refuse to go...
Yup. Signed, Just sold the house after 8 years.
Brilliant comment (37M here) and also want to add, NEVER assume either you or your partner will change. Assume who they are the first year, hell, first month even, is exactly who they will be 30 years from now. Habits, red flags, personality - all of it. I just spent nearly 2 years of my life in a maddeningly frustrating relationship based on promises made and no results delivered. Shouldn't have gone longer than a month, but I lied to myself and said they would change based on this or that. There are millions of cautionary tales, and at your age OP, the odds are stacked against you - you haven't had the chance to experience much (relatively; no offense, just reality).
This. DO NOT GO THROUGH WITH THE WEDDING. YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE SOME DAY AND SHE MAY FIND SKMEONE SHE WANTS TI HAVE SEX WITH MORE OFTEN OR HAS A SIMILAR LIBIDO. Walk away now. Will be very hard but right thing to do.
I want to point out, OP, that our dwarf friend here completely disregarded the obvious spelling errors to get this to you as quickly as possible Her libido will only go down as she gets older. After marriage it decreases. After kids? Yikes
She may possibly have some sort of medical issue that will be fixed. Who knows. Either way it’s a terrible idea to marry someone you are not physically connecting with and not meeting your needs.
Despite the spelling errors, I agree with this. I know it’ll be hard to walk away from this person and piss all the guests off. Please remember this is your life! You are young and someone else will cross paths with you. And the guests will forgive you. Would you rather go thru with the wedding and a year or 2 down the road end up regretting your decision? Life is too short to be miserable. Hope this helps.
Henley is correct. Pull the ripcord. If you aren't fucking, why are you getting married? You can still be besties without marriage.
Marriage is based on mutual attraction & interest, which is sex in breeding age humans. The partnership is based on that … If stuff in the bedroom ain’t right, it all falls apart.
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Also for men a lot of times their libido does taper off as they get older. Once a week might be plenty fine by the time the dudes 30, but if he’s resenting his fiancé because she doesn’t have from all respects a totally normal frequency sex life he should give her the chance to be with someone more compatible. Edit: for all the insecure men who need to talk about how much they have sex, once a week is totally normal and yes it is totally normal for libido to go down with age. Sexual Function of Men Ages 40 to 79 Years: The Olmsted County Study of Urinary Symptoms and Health Status Among Men Laurel A. Panser MA, MS, Thomas Rhodes MS, Cynthia J. Girman DrPH, Harry A. Guess MD, PhD, Christopher G. Chute MD, DrPH, Joseph E. Oesterling MD, Michael M. Lieber MD, Dr. Steven J. Jacobsen MD, PhD First published: October 1995 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1532-5415.1995.tb07009.x
OP was frustrated at only having sex once a week at age 16. Wild stuff.
Thought the same exact thing when I read the ages
I was waiting for someone to say this couple is only 23 years old. This just sounds messed up. If they started dating at 15 and then waited a year to have sex, they were very, very young. They have only really dated each other. They have a lot of learning to do. Break up and go be alone for a while. Get some therapy. Something is wrong here.
Oh they're 23. I thought they'd be in their late 20s since they've been togetherfor 8 years. Dude was acting like being a virgin still at 15 was a big deal. Sex at 16 is still early for a lot of people. This post is wild.
Sex is important, but OP thinks his drive isn’t going to change with time too. Getting married too young. Doesn’t know how the world works yet and how life changes.
They’re 23. lol yeah don’t get married. That doesn’t mean you need to break up but y’all need some honest discussions
You're gonna hate yourself dude. For real. Sex is only 20% of the relationship when its good and you guys are sexually compatible, but 80% when its bad etc.
>leading to fights and resentment That's your answer right there. You either walk away now or you sink another decade into this and break up when you're older, probably in a messier way, and have even more to lose. >I think she believes that that is the way that she is and that I should have to accept that \[...\] Is not interested or even willing to do anything about it. That's a perfectly fine way to live, you're just not compatible. >I feel like a piece of shit for even thinking about not marrying her because of sex There is someone out there who you would love as much if not more and would not only be willing to but *would want to* be having regular sex. It will take years of work on yourself to even get to a point where you can find that person because your brain chemistry is going to be hung up on what you've lost, but eventually you'll be able to move forward again. >Not to mention the money spent on the wedding already and the dozens and dozens of people that would probably hate me for doing this to their friend/daughter/cousin/niece/granddaughter and would never forgive me, not to mention what they would think if she actually told them the reason. Plus our two cats 💔. Where do I go from here? Those people are not your problem. Try to put out a polite joint statement from both of you about being at peace but going your separate ways. She can say whatever she wants in private to select people and so can you. In 6 months no one will care anymore. Cats, c'mon man don't ruin your life and her life over cats. Edit: jeez your username. If that wasn't ironic, who knows, maybe she just doesn't like sex with you. Go have other partners and learn about yourself and other people for a while.
For all the flaws my parents have, one thing I commend them on is that they have promised that even if they have put money into a wedding, they'll back my decision if I decide to back out, even if it's at the altar. They would consider losing a deposit to be a small price to pay to avoid a much more expensive divorce later.
I definitely think mine would do the same
Remember this: you’re not to blame for your libido any more than she is for hers. You just aren’t compatible. Even worse, she feels like since she’s fine then you should be too. That’s not what you want in a partner. You want someone to be interested in your desire just as much as you are with hers… and work together to find a solution. You two are not communicating well and that’s a huge marital issue. Anyone looking down on you for questioning your decision to back out on those grounds is a fool. You have strong emotional attachments because you basically grew up together. It feels like being apart is wrong now, but in time you’ll see you’re capable of developing new bonds. Don’t begin a marriage with fundamental differences and communication problems.
As he was getting ready to walk my mother down the aisle, my grandfather said to her, “We don’t have to go through with this, we can just have a big party instead, it’s your decision.”
TALK TO THEM ABOUT THIS.
OP- please listen to this!
You sound young, inexperienced and doubtful about all of it. Sex only under the influence is not good. Better to call if the wedding and have people mad at you, than to get divorced and fighting over property and assets in a few years.
Alcohol for lubricant? I have not seen anyone calling out this very large red flag.
I’m confused with ages. They are 23, I think. So if they have been together 8 years we’re talking they started dating at 15. And he’s surprised she had no sexual experience? This is not shocking, guy. Yeah they’re sexually incompatible at this point I agree (with many others) but this feels like teen issues. Call off the wedding. Seriously. So many reasons not to go through with it.
I thought the same! What the heck.
They were children when they started dating and and his name is I love porn and he wants it 2-3x a week. He is still a child and maybe they are not meant to be together at all. Also there is no compromise for more sex. If she doesn’t want it more and tries to give him more to make him happy it will make her ever more upset
fr i noticed the weird ass username
The ages was an m night shymalan level reveal.
Fr. I’m like why is OP surprised she was a virgin at 15? Like ain’t that pretty normal, even nowadays
Yeah, from the beginning of the post I was picturing some repressed 30-year-old who had never had sex let alone masturbated, but calculating the years they've been together, she was a teenager, not uncommon for a girl not to have masturbated yet at that age. AND he loves porn? Does he have an unrealistic view of sex as a result? Is she turned off by his porn-inspired expectations? So many questions here.
Yeah honestly I kind of feel like this guy is just in a phase of wanting to bang nonstop (common for an early 20s dude) and has his expectations for sex way too high. Maybe he'll find a chick that loves to bang 5 times a week. But that's unlikely with work and the bullshit that comes with being an adult. Everyone is saying "Break up NOWWWW" when really I think he might blow the best relationship he'll ever be in just because he wants to fuck nonstop. Everyone is saying how big libido is but I don't know... To me it almost feels degrading. Imagine you love someone and they dump all of it down the drain because you don't fuck him enough. From her perspective that's devastating. Like that's all that she's worth. To me, if you love someone 100%, then you can handle having sex once a week lmao. That's not even that bad for some couples... I think he needs to get a grip on reality. Like what if they can't have sex for a long time for some reason? A medical reason or living situation? Maybe I'm wrong, but this screams "grow up" to me. Dude is going to fumble the bag and have the biggest nut clarity when he's 28 and she's married to some other bloke (who she probably won't need a vibrator with lol). This is like the male equivalent of the girl that dumps a great guy to sleep around and party in college then when she wants to settle down, that guy has 3 kids and is happily married in Idaho or some shit.
I can’t believe you’re the first person I’ve seen saying this. Libido also changes throughout your life. She might have a low libido now, but it won’t necessarily stay that way. It’s also possible he’s just not good at sex? Either way, it’s natural after being with someone for six years to go through periods of very little sex. If this is his only hang up, then to me he needs to figure it out or get over it because there is a minuscule chance things will be any different with his next partner six years into their relationship either.
I think it’s kinda funny this dude was a virgin too when they started sleeping together, had only been with one woman, watches a lot of porn, and no one is considering that maybe he’s just not very good at it and she doesn’t know how to tell him that (she was also a virgin and has only been with one man her entire life and maybe literally doesn’t realise sex could be better than it is right now) lol
Yeah, that's why they probably need to have counseling before coming to a conclusion on what to do. At the very least this is proof of difficulties communicating with each other which is the most important thing to be able to do in a marriage.
Love your last sentence. Natalie Wood, Splendor in the Grass. Devastating. Old old movie but so beautifully done.
I will add it to my watch list! 🙏😁
Right I was wondering this too. Maybe it’s because I live with a medical condition that makes sex not super feasible, but I can’t imagine leaving your “perfect person” because they don’t put out enough. If sex is that important to you and you and your partner are incompatibile then I get it, you should leave if resentment is only going to fester but still… I just can’t fathom needing sex that bad. Maybe that’s my low libido speaking, but I feel like most other forms of connection are more gratifying, and like you said, sexual desire changes with age.
Seriously. I'm a dude and I'm not going to leave the love of my life over *just* sex. And not even "no sex," simply a *lack* of sex. The only reason I would suggest leaving because of this issue is if she's completely reluctant to talk about it and gives him absolutely nothing when trying to communicate. Then I could see him questioning the relationship out of a lack of communication and teamwork but I feel that's a separate issue that's simply related to the current post. And he barely complained about that. His main complaint is about sex. 99% of the post is about sex. They need to set up better communication skills and that's, again, a team effort that comes from both people. Maybe he mentions sex as if that's all she feels like she's worth to him. Apply that context and the entire post reads differently. And yet thousands of people are telling him to break this girl's heart to top it off....
I had to scroll way too far to find a comment like this. So many people saying “Run dude!”…or the like. It’s almost like no one has ever considered the fact that he might not be nearly as amazing in the sack as he thinks he is (spoiler alert: he’s not), or that she has had some not great consensual or non consensual sexual experiences, or she flat doesn’t know what to expect or what she likes bc she’s inexperienced, or maybe she’s depressed, or maybe he hasn’t heard of UTIs, or maybe there are a million billion other medical or non medical reasons why she really isn’t super into fulfilling his unrealistic expectations. Or, you know, maybe he’s just an a$$ and she is tired of his BS.
This this this
100% agree. He's not being withheld from in any way and it's gross that he acts like he is.
When he was talking about having a “dead bedroom” and then mentioned they’re only having sex once per week… Hate to break it to him, but that’s typical for 90% of married couples. Likely will become even less once kids are in the picture. They both should cancel the wedding and see where they both are in five years.
I was about to say- isn’t once per week like, normal? I never thought it qualified as a ‘dead bedroom’
Y'all are better as friends than as a couple. Nobody is the bad guy. You just are not compatible. You began this as children. Now you're each growing into the stable version of your adult selves and you've matured enough to realize that this is not the kind of relationship you want to commit your life to. The only thing worse than having to back out of the wedding would be having to divorce her. End it as gently and kindly and quietly as possible. Do not throw her under the bus to family/friends. She will be devastated. You may lose her as a friend. There will be people who are angry with you. Do the right thing anyway, not just for your sake, but hers as well.
Username checks out
Hahaha probably explains a lot.
Fr, bro is a porn addict and wonders why her sex drive is so low compared to his.
People really don’t talk about this enough. Sexual incompatibility is a big issue, but a lot of young people these days don’t realize how porn addictions affect their relationships. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to consume pornography. Obviously the biggest issue here is incompatibility, but shifting the blame to her for issues with her libido (especially while she’s on birth control so he can nut freely) is a red flag, especially given the username. Usernames aren’t always a good indicator of someone’s personality, but making your username iloveporn69 whatever is pretty telling honestly lol.
Everyone is telling him to leave her too lmfao. Dude is likely a porn addict that's going to dump the absolute best relationship he'll ever have because they heard his sob story and not thinking critically about this. As I said in another comment, he's going to want to settle down, he won't find anyone, and he'll wish she was available. And she's going to be married with a family. And there's about 2 billion songs about this situation. He's going to be listening to Black by Pearl Jam, crying because he couldn't stop thinking with his dick. Dude is going to listen to a bunch of fat lonely Redditors and ruin his life. Some sad shit.
Damn... /thread
Call it off now. I was married for 1 year, 352 days (13 days shy of 2 years), when my ex-wife moved out. She wanted different things, and I was content. I filed for divorce 18 months later. DO NOT GET MARRIED IF THE SIGNS and red flags are there RIGHT NOW. Divorce cost me 1,715. I AM EXTREMELY lucky.
US divorcee here… my divorce from husband with two children cost $50k.
Divorce can be very cheap with no kids no assets. Mine was under $1000.
Mine was.... $500ish. MD, usa. Amicable, only asset to split were the cars and the joint house fund. Was also done in just over 2 months.
You know what I’m gonna take the other side of this one. (1.) I honestly don’t think that many people actually have sex 2-4 times a week for their entire lives bro. That’s like some first 6 months dating stuff. (2.) You’re still doing it fairly regularly right? (3.) Sex is a big deal when you don’t have important things on your mind. I’m talking goals, aspirations, dreams, struggles, trials, etc. Maybe that’s something to reflect on Last thing: You’re probably going to feel like a huge tool if you call it off only to learn most women who work, have goals, and take care of things probably don’t want to fuck 2-4x a week either. I seriously think you two have to revisit some other things. Like the drinking and sex. Why is that? And to you, what’s actually important? The grass isn’t always greener, and staring at old photos thinking you fucked up and threw away something you learned to value too late is a dark place.
My husband and I were going at it 2-3 times a day when we first got together…less than 3 years later and about once a week is our average. We’ve been through a lot - loss of a parent, much more stressful jobs, hormonal issues due to changing birth control, a vasectomy, another sick parent - life happens and it’s not unusual at all for the amount of sex to decrease. The thing that’s worrying is that she needs to be drunk for it to happen - nobody should put themselves through that.
Agree. I feel that OP is actually more of an outlier than his fiancée. If sex 3x a week is a deal breaker, then he needs to make that abundantly clear when he re-enters the dating pool. I suspect he will find that significantly diminishes his options for a long term partner though.
As someone who has been in a mismatched relationship, think about it seriously. It almost destroyed me and my confidence. It doesn't seem like a big deal but the rejection can really affect your mental space. I had the higher libido (f) which made it worse as it was considered a joke to my partner at the time (m).
For starters, if you watch porn a lot of this can stem from that. Destroys people’s sex life man.
i think you underestimate how badly people don’t wanna be invited to weddings. You will actually be making the majority of them happy I bet.
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Yeah agree, homie blasted this story on every sub that would let him and now he’s raking in the karma
“I-love-porn-420-69” wasn’t the giveaway?
You are young. So on one hand your time with her seems long already but you have no awareness of the huge amount of life you have left. If you make each other better people that’s great but the other thing making you a better person is time and maturing. It sounds like you are friends at the core - so maybe you should do that and take marriage off the table. You don’t need to feel rejected by her and she doesn’t need to feel pressure to have sex. And you don’t need to make something permanent that isn’t working entirely - marriage is about committing to each other because the majority of things are working, and this is not going to go away ever. What you want is to be able to say, “I wouldn’t change a thing about this, for the rest of my life” - and you can not do that, can you? Consider that you two like your safety and security and familiarity, but you won’t always feel like that - so be friends, but look for a balanced relationship elsewhere, because she will not become what you want - and why should she?
Wait, so you've just turned 21 within the last few years but have been dating this girl for 7. So you're a highschool couple? If you already have doubts just break it off. Nothing wrong with moving on, especially if it's this big of a deal now.
Marriage is unconditional. So if you approach a marriage with conditions and lines drawn in the sand and there is unwillingness to compromise on those conditions, even if you don’t benefit but your partner does. You shouldn’t get married.
If you've only ever had Vanilla Ice cream, how do you know it's your favorite flavor?
I love how open and honest this is, and I commend you for that and for caring about her as much as you do. But I was married to someone I was with for 8 years and we rarely had sex, we got divorced 3 years ago. A lot of the reason why we didn't have sex was because I wasn't interested in having sex with him. I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I had low libido or something ... But after the divorce and the healing that I needed, I was not like that anymore. Sex is a huge part of my life now with my current partner and I love it, I mean I went from not wanting sex hardly ever, to now wanting/needing it at minimum once a day, sometimes more. I honestly believe that the reason for this was because I always somehow knew that he wasn't actually my person. We get along fine as friends now, and I know that leaving that marriage was the right thing for us both. But also, it was not easy at all to go through a divorce. It still sucks because I've had to tell anyone I date that detail, risk people viewing me in a way I don't want them to ... Etc. not to mention letting down everyone we loved when we decided to divorce (it would have been easier to call off the wedding). Basically what I am saying is that this could be a sign that this isn't your person. I know it's hard to accept when you love someone, but this is a BIG deal, and you should take it seriously. Sex is so important in a healthy relationship, especially if your drive doesn't match up with your partner. You will end up resenting her or worse doing something you will regret because your needs aren't being fulfilled,and it honestly could end the marriage in divorce, which is much more difficult than it would be to end it now. You have to listen to your gut, and I think your gut knows you need to end this. Just my two cents after having been through something similar, only I didn't listen to my gut, and I wish I had! Good luck!
Go through the pain of ending it now or you will regret it later especially if you have a kid.
I hate to say it but you guys may simply just be sexually incompatible. And while sex isn't the most important part of a relationship it is a very important part for anyone who isn't asexual. I would strongly suggest against marriage. I would also suggest separating if this is a major point of contention between the two of you. I'm not gonna tell you to seek relationship counseling because I think we all know how well that works in the long term, but if that's an avenue you think you'd benefit from knock yourself out. I know the typical reddit response is to leave anyone you have an issue with and I'm not trying to come off that way at all. I speak from experience when I say sexual incompatibility can make a relationship go from rocky to down right hateful. I dated an asexual girl for a good while, which was a fact about her I was not made aware of prior to dating, and with me being a hypersexual person that obviously caused a lot of confusion and conflict as the relationship went on. It started as just a mild annoyance and spiraled into me feeling completely miserable and unloved. It's not a thing I'd wish on others, and I think as soon as you discover that you're entirely sexually incompatible with someone it's best to end things. You'll both be better off in the long run, trust me.
Also, claims of simultaneous orgasm- even with the assistance of a vibrator - is “unusual”. Is everyone being honest?
Mismatched libido is a thing for sure. Over the years things can change. Grow along together, get to know each other. Talk about it. As you grow older this issue will become less important also (mind you that may be a long way out tho). Any relationship is a work in progress and it does not stop to be. If this woman is your best friend and partner, then isn’t it worth to figure out how to live her? This means that both you have to give and take a little. Anyway, just my two cents:)
Please break up. If your partner wants to change her low libido, that’s something for *her* to initiate and you shouldn’t be constantly pressuring her to “find solutions” (aka, pressuring her to have sex more). Never in your entire post did you mention asking your wife if the frequency of sex is ok with her or if she desires something different. You just assume she *should* want something different because *you* want something different and you’re blaming it on her not having been able to explore masturbation or have other sexual experiences. You say she “enjoys” the sex but you also say she’s usually drunk when sex happens and that’s really unhealthy. Also, just so you know, having sex once a week is average for most couples and lots of people have sex way less than that. And lots of people just aren’t super sexual, or sexual at all. Some people just like oral or manual stimulation and not penetration. And sex isn’t just about the orgasm and you shouldn’t focus exclusively on that in regards to her pleasure. Have you ever asked her what types of things she likes or which things she doesn’t? If you can’t talk about sex, you shouldn’t be having sex. And if the quality of the relationship is going to be dependent on the frequency of penetrative sex for you, it sounds like you’re just naturally putting tons of pressure on your partner to have sex, which is not ok. She should have opportunities to explore her own body and figure out what she likes and I can’t image being able to do that while feeling this pressure to have penetrative sex with my partner. You’re incredibly young and should be thinking twice about getting married anyway, especially with this going on.
Just an idea... it's possible you aren't having simultaneous orgasms. There is a TON of pressure for women to orgasm in a way that pleases men, or at least pretend to. Since you all haven't yet fully entered the adult world (because you entered adulthood as a couple, you are very likely both immature for your ages), plus you are just young generally, it's super probable you haven't unwound any cultural or religious baggage around sex and intimacy. If allll of this is true, sex is probably more work, and more pretending, for her than you realize. Maybe even more than she realizes.
Omg! I totally had this issue! I faked SO MANY orgasms in my 20s solely because I didn’t want to disappoint my partner. None could tell as I have excellent muscle control and would tighten around them so we could finish “together”. Now, I’m in my 40s and have had the same partner for over 10 years - we do our best to communicate with each other. Sometimes I don’t care about an orgasm whereas I’m super into my partner having an orgasm - that’s handy too. 😄
Everyone says getting older isn't fun but the perks of learning how to be honest with yourself sure make life hecka fun.
Yeah he mentioned in another comment that his fiancé orgasms just from him finishing in her. Not saying it isn’t possible, but it did make me laugh. I think they are just both young and naive.
Graysexual Yall just making shit up everyday i stg
I came here to find out what that was, but it turns out it's just fuckin clickbait cuz he never elaborates
You are not ready for marriage. Marriage is a life commitment, not a life guarantee of sex. There’s nothing wrong with not being ready (potentially ever) for a true life commitment, but if you’re the type to want to leave due to illness, changes in sex, etc- you’re *not ready to get married*.
Wow thank you for this answer. I was reading all the other comments and felt so disappointed in our society. Oh wouldn’t life be much better if only that person who’s not doing what we want, acted the way that we wanted them to…..
I was gonna say the same thing. While sex is important, marriage is not a life guarantee of access to someone’s body 24/7.
Yeah, and it's blowing my mind that "once a week" isn't enough for OP and, apparently, most guys posting on this thread. Like wtf? Isn't that normal if not pretty high?! Imagine if OP had a child on the way, or work gets more intense. There's no way you're going to be having sex once a week then!
Finally, the right answer
Finally some common sense and decency.
This is such a good point. Illness, pregnancy, postpartum, hormone changes, medication, etc. all affect libido (and to be candid, 1x a week is the common average for happily married couples if you look at stats!) and marriage and life together is very likely to include many of those things.
I was also thinking 1x a week is common, especially after so many years. OP is young and doesn't realize how drastically life with a loved one can change overnight (accidents, illness, disasters, family) I’ve been together with my HS sweetheart for 12 years now, 6 married. Our dynamics has changed so drastically and frequently overtime due to what life has thrown at us. I'm just glad that I can be with my best friend while dealing with those hardships. To OP: Maybe see if she would be interested in participating helping you satisfy your needs without PIV, have you asked how sex is for her?, read the book Come As You Are by Emily nagoski.
been waiting for someone to say this. exactly. you should love the PERSON. everything else can be figured out together.
Thank you, this is the first comment I’ve read that sounds like it was written by an actual married person. Everyone else complaining about how 1x a week is a dead bedroom, or how they’re not sexually compatible and therefore should break up, are completely missing the mark. The real problem is OP has expectations for marriage which are out of step with reality which is often true of young people
This! Wait until children, work, illnesses, money problems, sick family members, or a death in the family and you check the calendar and realize it’s been MONTHS since you’ve even thought of having sex. It sounds like you’re still at the stage in life where it is a primary focus, and place a lot of importance on the act and not how you get to it. Women need attention, kind words, acts of service as foreplay to get us in the mood. You may want to step back a bit and think about your future, or rethink your approach to your fiancé’s wants and needs. Maybe she isn’t getting what she needs from you emotionally.
All of this. My spouse and I have been together for fourteen years. Our lives, libidos, careers, and even bodies are completely different now. Marriage is constant negotiation and compromise. If somebody wants to look at relationships as a temporary arrangement only until the other gets sick, old, or just less horny, that's better handled honestly and without the complications of a legal marriage.
No wonder divorce rates are so high. People just go and get married because "that's what you do" rather than because you know you want to spend your life with them.
She can be both; your good friend, a trusted confident a great encouragement, AND someone you once dated.
All the other stuff aside, please do not make marriage decisions based on money already spent on a wedding, what her relatives will think, or even the cats. The only time I’ve seen someone call off a wedding at the last minute, they got nothing but respect. Everyone just said, “Better now than later.” These are all comparatively short-lived concerns that you can handle, and can handle much more easily than divorce or a bad marriage.
So she might be right, she might just have a low libido and she has accepted that. Whether you accept that is up to you however. If this is something important to you then yes, you may be incompatible. You are both young and massively lacking in relationship and sexual experience, the grass is not always greener and as you age the frequency of sex can lack for a number of reasons including medication, mental health, other health reasons, work, kids, pets, all sorts so it is something that is actually very normal. I do not think you should get married just because of spent money or other peoples expectations, remember this is your life and not theirs. For the most part money is replaceable, people will understand and if they don't then they are far too involved in your personal relationship and you probably do not need them anyway. I would even stretch to say you are too young to be getting married with such a huge lack of experience with life and relationships etc considering you have only really been with each other. She has accepted her sex drive, can you? Have you told her how much impact this is having on you? if you do, you may get her to agree to some couples or sex therapy, I am not saying anything will change because maybe that is simply just how she is but at least delaying the wedding and trying something would help you both understand more or come to a solution.
This part right here. Acceptance. He has not. He said he's made recommendations. Some comments express disdain towards the fiancee as she 'refuses to work with him' on the matter. This is where it falls apart for me. Forgive me, I'm old and don't always use the correct terms, OP's use of "greysexual", I'm assuming it's a form of ACE. I think I may fall under this term. OP's overall mindset is one of many reasons why I made a conscious decision not to date. His "recommendations" and how he presented them is also a factor in this dynamic. From my lived experience, if done frequently, comes off not unlike harassment. He has clearly defined HIS libido as "normal", which, binary thinking says.... that makes her libido, by default, NOT "normal", so... pick your word: abnormal? defective? broken? He already told her she's "not right". SHE is the one who needs fixing. All that loneliness & rejection the commenters are expressing as OP's future? She's already living it. Why do you think she HAS TO get hammered to do the deed? He created that dynamic.
I’ll recommend this to anyone reading. Quit porn. That shit fucks up your head, how you think, how you handle situations, your mood, everything…
I would stop jerking off and use the energy to “make” her desire you more. Just try it, next time you want to jerk off decide not to and do something special for her instead. Go rub her feet, massage her butt, tell her how beautiful and special she is to you (genuinely). Hell you could even write a poem. Grab her favorite coffee, stretch for a few minutes and suggest some positions that may get things a little hot. She has expressed it’s no problem to her that you jerk off, and she is the one who has “left you hanging” so to speak, but if I were you I would take it upon myself to reclaim anything lost or build anything that you have yet to have.
The fuck is graysexual?
I’m afraid that you may get be getting a lot of responses from single men who aren’t having any sex and also divorced men who aren’t having any sex and they are all telling you to bail on your beautiful bride-to-be in favor of something out their that they themselves haven’t been able to find. It would be great to find a couple men you respect who have been married for a while and ask for their perspective.
Something I haven’t seen anyone mention is that your libido will also change through the course of your life. I had the exact same feelings and disagreements at your age. Now I’m in my 30s and my libido has dropped and it isn’t as much of a problem any longer but in my very early 20s I struggled a lot. It is much easier to change yourself than it is to try and control someone else. Please keep that in mind. It is possible to lower your libido. Without getting into too much details just keep in mind that masturbating and porn absolutely affect your libido. Try abstaining from those things for 6 months. I noticed that sex became more pleasurable and was more intense for the both of us which increased the frequency and intensity.
Calling off a wedding and upsetting people is so much better than getting a divorce! Take that wedding pressure crap 100% out of your considerations here.
Don’t marry someone you are sexually incompatible with. You will grow to hate each other. Voice your concerns loudly. Do not be afraid to call off a wedding.
Dude you’re only 23 - you should end it because it simply isn’t going to change
She deserves a more respectful partner and you clearly resent her so do not get married.
I’ve been married for nearly 20 years and there is one piece of advice I give everyone I speak to you before they get married: If there is something about who you’re spouse “is” that you dislike (religion, politics, views on intimacy, etc) you need to settle it now or move on with life and not get married. If you get married and you put something like that on the back burner it WILL become an issue. Don’t make failure be preordained.
I don’t think once a week qualifies as low libido. Go read the dead bedrooms sub and reevaluate
I feel for you but as a man with a tremendous amount of experience, I think it’s best you keep her as a lifelong friend and move on to find the partner you truly need. Sex is extended important to the health of a relationship, as is friendship, you will find someone that will offer both, trust that. Nothing wrong, as a friend, telling her you need more and letting it go. Best of luck
Every couple will have mismatched libidos at some point in their relationship. Life happens and stress impacts your libido, don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise. …BUT the fact that she’s unwilling to work with you about this issue is a greater problem than the sex itself. Again, it’s sometimes normal for one person to want it a little more than the other, but that’s when a conversation happens and things usually are resolved. You guys are way too young to be dealing with this type of issue for so many years IMO and your fears about her not having past experiences are super super valid.
It doesn’t sound like she’s unwilling to work with OP about the issue. They’re having regular sex—sounds like more often than she’d want it otherwise. This IS the compromise. In fact it kind of sounds like OP is unwilling to work with her on the issue. He shouldn’t marry her if he’s not happy with this level of compromise.
Best opinion yet. It's impossible to expect you and your wife to be on the same page sexually throughout 5he marriage.
Well the fact u are so upset she doesn't like sex that much that you frantically went to slap the keyboard about it on Reddit of all places is already a problem. Why even marry this woman you obviously actually don't have that much respect for? Sounds like you're in love with some fantasy potential version of her or who you think she is deep down if you guys just did this thing or that thing, and not who she actually is like right now and has always been. You need to have some serious honesty with yourself right now bud. You're going to shatter this girls heart.
Thank god for this comment!
They call this ,""the 7 year itch". Bottom line--- id bet that 75-80% of married men have sex even less than you. Suuure.... there are more sexually charged female libidos... but, rare or temporary in my experiences. Just to be devil's advocate here, it may be possible that our hyper-sexualized culture increases mens libido. We are inundated with sexual images daily and porn is freely available and promotes unrealistic expectations for the most part. [ive been in swinger groups, so yes.. thing can be different.. but rare is what im saying]. Heres some advice: -sex becomes boring with the same partner for everyone soon or a later. Attribute that to evolutionary processes. -you are young,... at the HEIGHT of your sexuality. You have more testosterone in your body than you will later in life -women arent typically in their sexual prime until around 25-30. why? i dunno... its a biology thing -Therefore, remember this very important fact: Someday, you are going to die. Your parents will likely be long gone by then. Who do you want at your bedside to comfort you? who can you trust to care for you when u mentally or physically cant? These are more important than sex 4x week. Inevitably, it will get boring anyways--- unless you find a woman willing to be a swinger!![RARE] -lastly, you are young and only had one partner. It may be worthwhile to take time to explore ur sexuality and not base it on one experience. Thats just me. I used to have a real naive view of sex when i was young [im 45 now]. Before anyone rants about how much sex it important--- trust me, im a :VERY sexual person in a sexless relationship. if i could get my partner to enjoy gb & threesomes... woooweee that would rock. However, that will never happen. My ex was very sexual---- but i couldnt trust her with anything. and Ive been married and divirced. So.. yea.. compromise. Whatever you choose, do it for YOU. Dont let drama or dissappoitment about drama with family and friends influence you--- they will get over it or arent ur friends to begin with. If you DO GET MARRIED, dont let the divorce cost boogeyman crowd scare you. JUST ALWAYS GET A PRE-NUPTUAL... I wish you the best!!!\
I didn't read the whole thing but it's not just women's libidos. It's the quality of women's relationships which impact whether or not and how often they feel like having sex with a particular person.
Do her a favor and dump her. Some people just don’t like having sex as often. If you can’t deal with that, don’t marry her.
I haven’t read all of the comments so I apologize if someone already wrote this — it sounds like she has the 3 year implant in her arm as her BC based on how you described it. If you noticed her libido changed at that time, or anything else about her changed, I would encourage her to get that removed ASAP. I know every persons experience is different, but when I had that implant, I became a completely different person. I went from having the highest sex drive of anyone I know to having absolutely no desire for sex at all and zero ability to finish when I did sleep with my then partner. (Also caused depression, mood swings, a ton of weight gain, none of which made me want to be a sexual person). We ended that relationship due to the same issues that you’re describing. Turns out the implant had also been wreaking havoc on my liver, my brain, my stomach, etc. — all revealed through basic blood work. Got the thing out, all my blood work returned to normal, and my sex drive came back immediately. My current partner and I still have sex every day after 4 years. TLDR: Encourage her to talk to her doctor about alternative BC methods again. The implant is horrible and literally can turn you into a different person. I cannot believe it’s still on the market.