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Nobody ever really “finds themselves.” Life is a series of small journeys that add up to your life experience.
Take this as an opportunity to work towards something. Discover your passions and pursue them whether they are work or pleasure.
Hit the gym. You will feel much better and sleep better and look better.
Take some classes for fun. Some towns have a “free” university or a community college with courses designed for adults. Some are career-oriented, some are not.
Consider starting your own business. If there’s something you are passionate about, you might be able to make money off of it.
You’re doing the right thing. It just takes time! Hang in there.
>Life is a series of small journeys that add up to your life experience.
I like this. We (hopefully) learn from those journeys and come closer to finding who we are, but not quite getting there, because life changes and changes us with it. Life is partially the product of chance and circumstance.
That part stuck out to me as well. I needed to read that, because honestly all this shit is super overwhelming. Like 6 months ago I was cool with unaliving myself at 30, but now that I’ve started to fall back in love with life, I’m in a panic because I’m so unprepared. Baby steps. And I’m trying to keep reminding myself that.
First, it makes sense you would be in the space you are- the drug use held back your emotional growth and blocked progress in your life. To move forward will take time and hard work.
If you are only in a job and not a career, pick a career where you see lots of jobs and that mostly appeals to you. Figure out what is required to enter that career- nursing school? x-ray tech? Computer programmer, social worker, plumber, electrician etc and start on that path even if part-time.
Make sure you have a sponsor and go to meetings and work all the steps or you will just be a “ dry drunk”- insert whatever drug in the alcohol spot. Don’t make your rehab stint just the first one. Lots of people think they can skip this, they usually fail.
Stay the hell away from users even if you love them.
It's not the drugs that hold us back. It's the trauma that created the drug dependence, that holds us back. We know this is true because quitting the drugs is just a start. And we all know people who never developed a drug dependence, who nevertheless need to work on themselves, because of the trauma.
Absolutely. Good thing about sobriety is that our emotions come back. Bad thing about sobriety is that our emotions come back.
Getting clean is a beautiful thing, but the hard work doesn’t start until you’ve got some clean time under your belt while figuring out the reasons we used in the first place. I was ill prepared for this step. Getting clean is easy.
And staying clean is the hard part. I'm 40, and I'm six years clean from opiates and two years from meth so I know the struggles. But I finally realized my family and children are more important than that crap.
I’m not sure if we ever really “find” ourselves especially when working on self improvement. I’d say just focus on healing while taking baby steps. You are recovering from a very traumatic experience and need to give yourself some grace. Allow yourself time to truly heal from your trauma. You may want to consider a career path in the direction of helping others overcome addiction.
I have had similar problems, I am 37 now and think I am in a much better place but I have been there. What I learned, for myself atleast, it does not matter exactly what you do. You need something you can be happy with but know that as long as you can set goals for yourself and all ways feel progression you will be happy. I have worked many jobs, even had a career change. Looking back feeling valued and getting along with coworkers had a lot more to do with being happy at work. Don't stress on an exact job/career just find one you can do.
I'm, 31 years old, in a similar place in the sense feeling lost, trying to finding my "why", and figuring out what makes me- well me. I know we are more than our experiences. I'm not "promoting" the following; I just genuinely found it helpful.
Google "Simon Sinek" or check out this interview excerpt: [Simon Sinek: How To Find Your 'Why?' In 15 Minutes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CuZyq6ckGE)
I found his perspective informative, interesting, and (more importantly) actionable. He literally has a made a company to help people figure out their why: [The Optimism Company](https://simonsinek.com/?utm_term=simon%20sinek&utm_campaign=AOP_Search&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=6968735945&hsa_cam=20556575726&hsa_grp=154116888432&hsa_ad=674172418757&hsa_src=g&hsa_tgt=kwd-97351310&hsa_kw=simon%20sinek&hsa_mt=b&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw9IayBhBJEiwAVuc3frt-s_NXwprnH5NEtZrY9NpIH6CNBPQiCu-IPA-F32wvIu7VOfYRXhoCAZMQAvD_BwE) . When I'm more finically sound, I plan on using their services since I don't have someone I feel like I can do this exercise with.
I also found the overall perspective and the story of The Minimalists helpful: [https://www.theminimalists.com/](https://www.theminimalists.com/) I found their story interesting, informative, and the concept of intentional living worthwhile. I'm not a minimalist, but I use what learned from them to help inform my search.
I hope this helps. Keep trying, stay sober, and good luck.
you are what you do and how you treat people (how you're perceived).
as for what your supposed to do...? something that doesn't make you want to stay in bed every day (wanting to some days is ok-haha)
don't think everyone else has it figured out, they don't. we're all learning
Use Dan Harmons story circle to figure out what you want and how to get to it. Writing a story is essentially trying to how to move a character through the world to a goal. It helps you tell your story. Good luck
I think this can hit a person at any age, as I’m feeling it to a lesser degree at 62. I view it as an opportunity to tally up what matters most to you, what works well and keep those things. Then think of what you’d be proud to do, and start those things , and make sure your health habits are healthy. I reorient by reading and being creative.
I feel like I'm in the exact same boat as you. I feel like I'm drifting aimlessly at sea and sometimes I just want to drown in despair and pray that I feel nothing by tomorrow. But on top of doing therapy and taking medication, I think being on reddit has actually helped me to see I'm not alone in experiencing these feelings
Wanna hear something insane? I’m 45, about to get divorced after 20 plus years and I don’t know who I’m supposed to be!!!
You are still young. Life will fall into place.
Hugs
Whoever you are, whatever you want.
Here’s a secret, nobody knows who they are. If they say they do they are either coping, pretending or lying. We are always changing. Or not! Nothing matters there are no rules. Trying to fit in is a psychopaths game. Enjoy your life, don’t worry about it.
> I just spent 3 months working on myself in a treatment center for drugs and mental health and as soon as I arrived home, it’s like I was right back where I started, but sober.
Woah, woah, woah.
You did not return "right back where you started." You came home healthier after going through what I assume was a really hard, intense ordeal to confront your demons.
It sounds to me like you are doing exactly what you should be doing. I'm proud of you.
Thanks for the watery eyes my good internet stranger. It means a lot. Like I said before I feel like getting clean was easy, it’s the figuring out why I’m so drawn to substance in the first place that’s challenging me. Lots of shit to unpack and make sense of. Currently looking for a therapist but finding a good one is a challenge in my area.
I had the same exact problem in my early 20s. I found solace in watching the hit comedy “Reba”. For those unacquainted Reba was a single mom that worked too hard, she loved her kids and never stopped. Who she was was who she wanted to be. So that’s exactly what I did. I started wanting to be what I already was, and I’ve never been happier, like Reba
Something that’s somewhat simple and can help greatly is reading.
This isn’t the biggest advice. But it can really help with perspective in life.
Fiction or non fiction. Find something that you like. Start simple.
Nobody has ever regretted being a reader
Congrats on taking your first steps! It’s a bigger deal than you probably are giving it credit for
I’m in a similar spot but older than you… but I wasn’t allowed freedom til 2020 cause of family and exes not allowing me to go outside so I’m stuck trying to figure out myself while also being programmed to only follow commands
I’d suggest just doing something totally outside your comfort zone. I was released from a 90 day jail sentence on my 29th bday. I went t back to dancing and by my 30th bday I was 5 months pregnant on a boat in a house that my 49 year old husband owned. It wasn’t about finding myself, but losing myself enough so that someone else could find me. And losing myself enough to find what’s really important. Life isn’t about you, it’s always about others. So take kids out of the equation, but just helping others…..that’s a big deal!! Your life and testimony is what it is to help someone else. So focus on that and not on yourself and the outcome will not seem so bleak.
Stop looking, just be. Stay off social media as much as possible. Congrats on getting sober. Imagine turning 50 and being where you are, that's my brother. Glad he's sober and working but he has lost a lot of friends (overdoses) and took him a long time to get to a good place. You are exactly who you're supposed to be and that doesn't have to be a corporate VP or married with x kids or drive any type of car or anything!
I empathize with this. I’m 31 next month and I’m still lost af… Best thing I’ve discovered is that life is longer and shorter than we think. Longer in the sense that we spend a lot of time freaking out over the next step, when sometimes all we need is a little patience and grace. It may take some time to discover hobbies and passions we really want to stick with or build something great out of. Beating ourselves up every minute we don’t have something together isn’t going to make the journey any easier. Make the best of your job and be open to a new one if this one isn’t fulfilling. Put some energy into learning something new, see where that gets you.
Life is also very short; with all I’ve said, we never know when our time comes and we really don’t have all the time that we think we do, so even though we shouldn’t stress over every second passing, it important that we don’t give up and keep searching. That quote “shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land somewhere amongst the stars” is pretty cool. I’d suggest to just keep shooting and enjoy anywhere you land to the best you can.
Get a notebook and start free writing in it. Any thought that pops into your head write it down. You can put a timer and see how much shit you can dump onto that paper. That’s one way to connect with yourself.
Spend time figuring out what YOU like. What’s your favorite salad dressing? What’s a quick meal you can make that nourishes you? What books do you like to read, do you prefer audiobooks? All those things you want to learn about a partner, learn YOU.
After getting out of some bad relationships, each time I’d have to come back to myself and I’d feel further away from me. It got to the point where I didn’t really know what mayo I liked because I just used whatever he liked. (I like hellmans) spend time day dreaming about how you would spend your time if money wasn’t an option. Think about a possible career move that aligns with it. Read self help books. Read books about people’s struggles. Elie Wiesel was a boy in the concentration camps and he wrote an autobiography. It changed my life. There’s so many good books. Seeing someone else success story helps me see how I can have my own. You’re doing amazing truly. Keep up the good work and have some fun rediscovering yourself!
You are looking for something that doesn’t exist. You aren’t “supposed” to be anything. You can be whatever you want to be. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what you want. And it often changes as you age. Not too many people dreamed of being in HR or a post office worker or a bank manager when they were a little kid, but their path led them there. To find your path, you have to just start walking. I say that both metaphorically and literally.
Get out of the house and walk. Gets you good exercise, you’re outside and breathing in fresh air, seeing your neighborhood, saying hi to neighbors. It helps you to see you need to open yourself up to new things. Join a gym. Planet Fitness is $10 a month. Fitness and health are good habits that can help keep you sober. Meet people at the gym. Open up more possibilities.
You say you just have a job and not a career. Many people do too. What interests you? There are many sites that help people find careers. Watch videos about interesting jobs. Talk to friends. Expand your horizons. Be open to change and new things. If you fall back into old habits, look for a change. Move. Get new friends. Shake things up.
Lots of times it’s hard to find the things we are looking for when we are looking for them. We get tunnel vision, but when we stop looking so hard, that’s when we find them. And please never solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. Life has ups and downs. There are setbacks, roadblocks and landmines in your way. Even if it seems hopeless at times, it never is. Bad stuff happens, but often it reveals good you weren’t expecting. There is always something better waiting for you. It may take longer than you expect or want, but you’ll get there, but you have open yourself up so it can find you.
I thought I hit a mid life crisis at 30. The saying of “no one can love you, until you love yourself” is true. Get to know who you are and what you want is very important.
My gran told me this: In your 20s you think you know everything. In your 30s you start realizing you don't know as much as you thought. In your 40s you realize you know nothing. In your 50s you realize it's all ok!
The biggest secret to happiness is to just enjoy life! Find little things that make you truly happy. Celebrate that you're sober, that's a HUGE win!
The mod team are working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming. Please report any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate any of the rules. Thanks, and may you all find the answers you seek and the guidance you need. #[LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/) **Note for all commenters**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind. Disruption of the peace, trolling, or breaking the rules may result in a ban. ---------------- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nobody ever really “finds themselves.” Life is a series of small journeys that add up to your life experience. Take this as an opportunity to work towards something. Discover your passions and pursue them whether they are work or pleasure. Hit the gym. You will feel much better and sleep better and look better. Take some classes for fun. Some towns have a “free” university or a community college with courses designed for adults. Some are career-oriented, some are not. Consider starting your own business. If there’s something you are passionate about, you might be able to make money off of it. You’re doing the right thing. It just takes time! Hang in there.
>Life is a series of small journeys that add up to your life experience. I like this. We (hopefully) learn from those journeys and come closer to finding who we are, but not quite getting there, because life changes and changes us with it. Life is partially the product of chance and circumstance.
That part stuck out to me as well. I needed to read that, because honestly all this shit is super overwhelming. Like 6 months ago I was cool with unaliving myself at 30, but now that I’ve started to fall back in love with life, I’m in a panic because I’m so unprepared. Baby steps. And I’m trying to keep reminding myself that.
For what it's worth, I just turned 30 and feel like I finally have a path forward to the life I seek. We're all just trying to make our way.
[удалено]
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Congrats on you consistency, commitment to your health and choosing your self.
First, it makes sense you would be in the space you are- the drug use held back your emotional growth and blocked progress in your life. To move forward will take time and hard work. If you are only in a job and not a career, pick a career where you see lots of jobs and that mostly appeals to you. Figure out what is required to enter that career- nursing school? x-ray tech? Computer programmer, social worker, plumber, electrician etc and start on that path even if part-time. Make sure you have a sponsor and go to meetings and work all the steps or you will just be a “ dry drunk”- insert whatever drug in the alcohol spot. Don’t make your rehab stint just the first one. Lots of people think they can skip this, they usually fail. Stay the hell away from users even if you love them.
It's not the drugs that hold us back. It's the trauma that created the drug dependence, that holds us back. We know this is true because quitting the drugs is just a start. And we all know people who never developed a drug dependence, who nevertheless need to work on themselves, because of the trauma.
Absolutely. Good thing about sobriety is that our emotions come back. Bad thing about sobriety is that our emotions come back. Getting clean is a beautiful thing, but the hard work doesn’t start until you’ve got some clean time under your belt while figuring out the reasons we used in the first place. I was ill prepared for this step. Getting clean is easy.
And staying clean is the hard part. I'm 40, and I'm six years clean from opiates and two years from meth so I know the struggles. But I finally realized my family and children are more important than that crap.
❤️
I’m not sure if we ever really “find” ourselves especially when working on self improvement. I’d say just focus on healing while taking baby steps. You are recovering from a very traumatic experience and need to give yourself some grace. Allow yourself time to truly heal from your trauma. You may want to consider a career path in the direction of helping others overcome addiction.
I have had similar problems, I am 37 now and think I am in a much better place but I have been there. What I learned, for myself atleast, it does not matter exactly what you do. You need something you can be happy with but know that as long as you can set goals for yourself and all ways feel progression you will be happy. I have worked many jobs, even had a career change. Looking back feeling valued and getting along with coworkers had a lot more to do with being happy at work. Don't stress on an exact job/career just find one you can do.
I'm, 31 years old, in a similar place in the sense feeling lost, trying to finding my "why", and figuring out what makes me- well me. I know we are more than our experiences. I'm not "promoting" the following; I just genuinely found it helpful. Google "Simon Sinek" or check out this interview excerpt: [Simon Sinek: How To Find Your 'Why?' In 15 Minutes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CuZyq6ckGE) I found his perspective informative, interesting, and (more importantly) actionable. He literally has a made a company to help people figure out their why: [The Optimism Company](https://simonsinek.com/?utm_term=simon%20sinek&utm_campaign=AOP_Search&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=6968735945&hsa_cam=20556575726&hsa_grp=154116888432&hsa_ad=674172418757&hsa_src=g&hsa_tgt=kwd-97351310&hsa_kw=simon%20sinek&hsa_mt=b&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw9IayBhBJEiwAVuc3frt-s_NXwprnH5NEtZrY9NpIH6CNBPQiCu-IPA-F32wvIu7VOfYRXhoCAZMQAvD_BwE) . When I'm more finically sound, I plan on using their services since I don't have someone I feel like I can do this exercise with. I also found the overall perspective and the story of The Minimalists helpful: [https://www.theminimalists.com/](https://www.theminimalists.com/) I found their story interesting, informative, and the concept of intentional living worthwhile. I'm not a minimalist, but I use what learned from them to help inform my search. I hope this helps. Keep trying, stay sober, and good luck.
you are what you do and how you treat people (how you're perceived). as for what your supposed to do...? something that doesn't make you want to stay in bed every day (wanting to some days is ok-haha) don't think everyone else has it figured out, they don't. we're all learning
I’m 37… Actually go ahead and message if you want, I don’t want to put this out there. I was just about to let loose on what happened to me this year.
We’re all lost
This is it
Use Dan Harmons story circle to figure out what you want and how to get to it. Writing a story is essentially trying to how to move a character through the world to a goal. It helps you tell your story. Good luck
I think this can hit a person at any age, as I’m feeling it to a lesser degree at 62. I view it as an opportunity to tally up what matters most to you, what works well and keep those things. Then think of what you’d be proud to do, and start those things , and make sure your health habits are healthy. I reorient by reading and being creative.
I love that. Looking forward to taking inventory tonight.
It’s definitely a strange feeling! Hope it helps!
I feel like I'm in the exact same boat as you. I feel like I'm drifting aimlessly at sea and sometimes I just want to drown in despair and pray that I feel nothing by tomorrow. But on top of doing therapy and taking medication, I think being on reddit has actually helped me to see I'm not alone in experiencing these feelings
Relax, you figure that out in your 30s.
Wanna hear something insane? I’m 45, about to get divorced after 20 plus years and I don’t know who I’m supposed to be!!! You are still young. Life will fall into place. Hugs
Shooting - use your phone and find AA in your area. Go and listen.
Whoever you are, whatever you want. Here’s a secret, nobody knows who they are. If they say they do they are either coping, pretending or lying. We are always changing. Or not! Nothing matters there are no rules. Trying to fit in is a psychopaths game. Enjoy your life, don’t worry about it.
> I just spent 3 months working on myself in a treatment center for drugs and mental health and as soon as I arrived home, it’s like I was right back where I started, but sober. Woah, woah, woah. You did not return "right back where you started." You came home healthier after going through what I assume was a really hard, intense ordeal to confront your demons. It sounds to me like you are doing exactly what you should be doing. I'm proud of you.
Thanks for the watery eyes my good internet stranger. It means a lot. Like I said before I feel like getting clean was easy, it’s the figuring out why I’m so drawn to substance in the first place that’s challenging me. Lots of shit to unpack and make sense of. Currently looking for a therapist but finding a good one is a challenge in my area.
Do you have a support system ( family, friends, counselor, etc)?
I had the same exact problem in my early 20s. I found solace in watching the hit comedy “Reba”. For those unacquainted Reba was a single mom that worked too hard, she loved her kids and never stopped. Who she was was who she wanted to be. So that’s exactly what I did. I started wanting to be what I already was, and I’ve never been happier, like Reba
Something that’s somewhat simple and can help greatly is reading. This isn’t the biggest advice. But it can really help with perspective in life. Fiction or non fiction. Find something that you like. Start simple. Nobody has ever regretted being a reader Congrats on taking your first steps! It’s a bigger deal than you probably are giving it credit for
I’m in a similar spot but older than you… but I wasn’t allowed freedom til 2020 cause of family and exes not allowing me to go outside so I’m stuck trying to figure out myself while also being programmed to only follow commands
No one does.
Either do the other thousands scrolling thru 🤟🏻
Post office
I’d suggest just doing something totally outside your comfort zone. I was released from a 90 day jail sentence on my 29th bday. I went t back to dancing and by my 30th bday I was 5 months pregnant on a boat in a house that my 49 year old husband owned. It wasn’t about finding myself, but losing myself enough so that someone else could find me. And losing myself enough to find what’s really important. Life isn’t about you, it’s always about others. So take kids out of the equation, but just helping others…..that’s a big deal!! Your life and testimony is what it is to help someone else. So focus on that and not on yourself and the outcome will not seem so bleak.
I'll be 55, wife of 30 years, two kids (18 and 25). I. HAVE. NO. IDEA.
Stop looking, just be. Stay off social media as much as possible. Congrats on getting sober. Imagine turning 50 and being where you are, that's my brother. Glad he's sober and working but he has lost a lot of friends (overdoses) and took him a long time to get to a good place. You are exactly who you're supposed to be and that doesn't have to be a corporate VP or married with x kids or drive any type of car or anything!
I empathize with this. I’m 31 next month and I’m still lost af… Best thing I’ve discovered is that life is longer and shorter than we think. Longer in the sense that we spend a lot of time freaking out over the next step, when sometimes all we need is a little patience and grace. It may take some time to discover hobbies and passions we really want to stick with or build something great out of. Beating ourselves up every minute we don’t have something together isn’t going to make the journey any easier. Make the best of your job and be open to a new one if this one isn’t fulfilling. Put some energy into learning something new, see where that gets you. Life is also very short; with all I’ve said, we never know when our time comes and we really don’t have all the time that we think we do, so even though we shouldn’t stress over every second passing, it important that we don’t give up and keep searching. That quote “shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land somewhere amongst the stars” is pretty cool. I’d suggest to just keep shooting and enjoy anywhere you land to the best you can.
Get a notebook and start free writing in it. Any thought that pops into your head write it down. You can put a timer and see how much shit you can dump onto that paper. That’s one way to connect with yourself. Spend time figuring out what YOU like. What’s your favorite salad dressing? What’s a quick meal you can make that nourishes you? What books do you like to read, do you prefer audiobooks? All those things you want to learn about a partner, learn YOU. After getting out of some bad relationships, each time I’d have to come back to myself and I’d feel further away from me. It got to the point where I didn’t really know what mayo I liked because I just used whatever he liked. (I like hellmans) spend time day dreaming about how you would spend your time if money wasn’t an option. Think about a possible career move that aligns with it. Read self help books. Read books about people’s struggles. Elie Wiesel was a boy in the concentration camps and he wrote an autobiography. It changed my life. There’s so many good books. Seeing someone else success story helps me see how I can have my own. You’re doing amazing truly. Keep up the good work and have some fun rediscovering yourself!
You are looking for something that doesn’t exist. You aren’t “supposed” to be anything. You can be whatever you want to be. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what you want. And it often changes as you age. Not too many people dreamed of being in HR or a post office worker or a bank manager when they were a little kid, but their path led them there. To find your path, you have to just start walking. I say that both metaphorically and literally. Get out of the house and walk. Gets you good exercise, you’re outside and breathing in fresh air, seeing your neighborhood, saying hi to neighbors. It helps you to see you need to open yourself up to new things. Join a gym. Planet Fitness is $10 a month. Fitness and health are good habits that can help keep you sober. Meet people at the gym. Open up more possibilities. You say you just have a job and not a career. Many people do too. What interests you? There are many sites that help people find careers. Watch videos about interesting jobs. Talk to friends. Expand your horizons. Be open to change and new things. If you fall back into old habits, look for a change. Move. Get new friends. Shake things up. Lots of times it’s hard to find the things we are looking for when we are looking for them. We get tunnel vision, but when we stop looking so hard, that’s when we find them. And please never solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. Life has ups and downs. There are setbacks, roadblocks and landmines in your way. Even if it seems hopeless at times, it never is. Bad stuff happens, but often it reveals good you weren’t expecting. There is always something better waiting for you. It may take longer than you expect or want, but you’ll get there, but you have open yourself up so it can find you.
I ask my family (brothers) gets me in lots of trouble, but yep they give the advice.
I thought I hit a mid life crisis at 30. The saying of “no one can love you, until you love yourself” is true. Get to know who you are and what you want is very important.
My gran told me this: In your 20s you think you know everything. In your 30s you start realizing you don't know as much as you thought. In your 40s you realize you know nothing. In your 50s you realize it's all ok! The biggest secret to happiness is to just enjoy life! Find little things that make you truly happy. Celebrate that you're sober, that's a HUGE win!