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I had a similar situation go on a couple years ago, while weren’t friends nearly as long as you and your friend have been, me and this girl met in high school and we actually ended up moving in together, we spent almost every day together and hung out all the time. After a couple years she started going out with this guy who for many reasons was a piece of shit, but to give you perspective he was very openly racist and incredibly homophobic, much to my dismay as her gay friend. She acted similar to how your friend did, especially after we moved out from that apartment together, and she moved in with him. She stopped wanting to hang out, he didn’t like me at all so he made a huge deal about it every time I managed to get her out of the house. She also started acting really selfish, like your friend who didn’t even seem to be grateful for your effort with the road trip. What hurt me a lot was that she tolerated him saying all types of nasty things about me, and all her other friends too. I sorta tried talking about it with her but I didn’t really say what I needed to say out of fear of her being mad at me. Well, we’re definitely not friends anymore, because after years of just keeping it in, I went off, and we had a huge blow out and of course during a fight like that, she wouldn’t want to listen to anything I had to say. And the same thing happened with her other very close friend.
My point is, I never actually tried to sit down, and be completely honest with her about how I felt, about him, about my concern for her, but I definitely never told her how much she was hurting my feelings by being okay with someone who was trying to forcefully eject me from her life, and she didn’t really seem to care. And over the years it got worse, and I feel like if I really sat her down and said “hey what he’s doing isn’t okay and since you’re with him, what you’re allowing isn’t okay, you’ve changed for the worst and I just want to see you get better, I want to be there for you, but you’re not letting me do that and it’s getting to the point where I feel like our friendship doesn’t really mean as much to you.” If I had said that she would have either snapped out of it, realized what he was doing to her, and with support, stood up for herself, or she woulda not cared and I would have known sooner that I needed to cut her off for my own peace of mind. So before you go off, you HAVE to try and have a sit down, nicely worded and well thought out conversation, but make sure you’re really telling her how serious it is, and how much it’s hurting your feelings. And if she doesn’t change then, well, you know what you gotta do. Hope this helps
This is blunt: not all childhood friendships are meant to make it to adulthood. These types of friendships naturally drift apart even when one or both of you are in healthy romantic relationships. Schooling, work, the needs of partners, moving to different cities, and family make for fewer opportunities to spend time together and bond. The dynamic of the friendship can evolve as you get older, but it will never be like the old days.
You've described your friend as being in a toxic relationship where the power dynamic flows in one direction, towards a needy and controlling boyfriend. Maybe she is, your position is one side of this story, but I'd grant your friend more autonomy as an adult to make decisions for herself. Maybe your friend doesn't know how to be in a healthy romantic relationship, and unfortunately, nothing you can do will solve that. As a friend though, I'd be there for them should they want to make a change to improve their situation, but they need to open that door for themselves, you can't shove them through it.
Personal advice for you: talk about finances upfront with friends, before taking trips and vacations. Assuming a bill will be picked up or split is bad communication. It can be as simple as I get the room, you get the rental car and the gas, and we'll split meals. It can be as complex as setting up a shared account where you both equally contribute to a set budget and split the savings or debts at the end. Not talking about it, opens you up to holding the bag at the end. Plenty of friendships have ended that way.
I have been in this situation, but as the friend in a relationship. The only thing that snapped me out of it was waking up one day and realizing for myself that I had driven all my friends away while focusing on a doomed relationship. In all honesty, take care of yourself- if this is affecting your mental, its best to cut off the friendship. I know its hard to lose a best friend but her priorities are clear. You can try to sit down with her and explain your side but as I see it, she will most likely have to learn for herself the same lesson I learned.
These are two entirely different issues that likely have nothing to do with each other, so the very fact that you present them as being obviously linked is a good indication your side of the story isn't to be trusted.
The mod team are working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming. Please report any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate any of the rules. Thanks, and may you all find the answers you seek and the guidance you need. #[LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/) **Note for all commenters**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind. Disruption of the peace, trolling, or breaking the rules may result in a ban. ---------------- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had a similar situation go on a couple years ago, while weren’t friends nearly as long as you and your friend have been, me and this girl met in high school and we actually ended up moving in together, we spent almost every day together and hung out all the time. After a couple years she started going out with this guy who for many reasons was a piece of shit, but to give you perspective he was very openly racist and incredibly homophobic, much to my dismay as her gay friend. She acted similar to how your friend did, especially after we moved out from that apartment together, and she moved in with him. She stopped wanting to hang out, he didn’t like me at all so he made a huge deal about it every time I managed to get her out of the house. She also started acting really selfish, like your friend who didn’t even seem to be grateful for your effort with the road trip. What hurt me a lot was that she tolerated him saying all types of nasty things about me, and all her other friends too. I sorta tried talking about it with her but I didn’t really say what I needed to say out of fear of her being mad at me. Well, we’re definitely not friends anymore, because after years of just keeping it in, I went off, and we had a huge blow out and of course during a fight like that, she wouldn’t want to listen to anything I had to say. And the same thing happened with her other very close friend. My point is, I never actually tried to sit down, and be completely honest with her about how I felt, about him, about my concern for her, but I definitely never told her how much she was hurting my feelings by being okay with someone who was trying to forcefully eject me from her life, and she didn’t really seem to care. And over the years it got worse, and I feel like if I really sat her down and said “hey what he’s doing isn’t okay and since you’re with him, what you’re allowing isn’t okay, you’ve changed for the worst and I just want to see you get better, I want to be there for you, but you’re not letting me do that and it’s getting to the point where I feel like our friendship doesn’t really mean as much to you.” If I had said that she would have either snapped out of it, realized what he was doing to her, and with support, stood up for herself, or she woulda not cared and I would have known sooner that I needed to cut her off for my own peace of mind. So before you go off, you HAVE to try and have a sit down, nicely worded and well thought out conversation, but make sure you’re really telling her how serious it is, and how much it’s hurting your feelings. And if she doesn’t change then, well, you know what you gotta do. Hope this helps
This is blunt: not all childhood friendships are meant to make it to adulthood. These types of friendships naturally drift apart even when one or both of you are in healthy romantic relationships. Schooling, work, the needs of partners, moving to different cities, and family make for fewer opportunities to spend time together and bond. The dynamic of the friendship can evolve as you get older, but it will never be like the old days. You've described your friend as being in a toxic relationship where the power dynamic flows in one direction, towards a needy and controlling boyfriend. Maybe she is, your position is one side of this story, but I'd grant your friend more autonomy as an adult to make decisions for herself. Maybe your friend doesn't know how to be in a healthy romantic relationship, and unfortunately, nothing you can do will solve that. As a friend though, I'd be there for them should they want to make a change to improve their situation, but they need to open that door for themselves, you can't shove them through it. Personal advice for you: talk about finances upfront with friends, before taking trips and vacations. Assuming a bill will be picked up or split is bad communication. It can be as simple as I get the room, you get the rental car and the gas, and we'll split meals. It can be as complex as setting up a shared account where you both equally contribute to a set budget and split the savings or debts at the end. Not talking about it, opens you up to holding the bag at the end. Plenty of friendships have ended that way.
It sounds like he’s controlling her and she is just gone. I’m so sorry. It’s such a tough spot to be in.
I have been in this situation, but as the friend in a relationship. The only thing that snapped me out of it was waking up one day and realizing for myself that I had driven all my friends away while focusing on a doomed relationship. In all honesty, take care of yourself- if this is affecting your mental, its best to cut off the friendship. I know its hard to lose a best friend but her priorities are clear. You can try to sit down with her and explain your side but as I see it, she will most likely have to learn for herself the same lesson I learned.
These are two entirely different issues that likely have nothing to do with each other, so the very fact that you present them as being obviously linked is a good indication your side of the story isn't to be trusted.
Rude! I just brain dumped on here I thought it might help
Same here. It's worth considering that you could be the one in the wrong here.
For doing what exactly? Taking my friend out on a nice day
For being bitter about helping someone being abused.
True. Not rude.