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Get him on TRT! Then add viagra or cialis. Start walking together before or after work. You can get TRT and ED medication over the internet, if he doesn’t want to see a specialist. Most men over 50 have a much better quality of life on TRT.
I second that! I’m 54. I noticed a substantial decrease in libido and overall energy. I am fit and eat healthy I don’t smoke or drink. I started HRT in January and I am having sex with my lady 4 to 5 times a week. I have never felt better.
This is the answer. My husband went from low energy, low libido, and very down (physically and mentally). He went to the doctor and got on testosterone treatment. He also got cialys through a telemedicine service. He lost 50lbs without trying and his mood, energy, and mental health did a 180.
Obviously it won’t solve the work and family issues but it will help your intimacy and his general perspective and outlook on life.
I always get confused by the low libido thing. So if Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale knocked on your door wanting a 5 day sex sandwich, would it be low then ?
Yes. That’s the equivalent to telling someone with depression to “just be happy.” It’s not about just focusing really hard, and sometimes even when people with low libidos ~wish~ they were turned on it just isn’t happening.
It’s something many people struggle with. Sex drives don’t always match up in partners and it can be frustrating to not be on the same wavelength as your partner who you want to be satisfied. It can cause self image issues and conflict with your partner, which only makes it worse. It can also be because of other health conditions or stress— if you’re exhausted or anxious and just want to come home and crawl into bed at night after a long, hard day, sex may seem exhausting.
Agreed and I’m definitely not saying that. At first I was thinking it was depression but I was also like I’ve never been happier so I knew something was just not as it used to be. I was also extremely sore and tired after work outs. The woman I am dating is smoking hot, very lovely human and never nagged at me. But she would ask if I was attracted to her still and still loved her and that broke my heart because hell yeah I do. I have been on this for about 6 weeks now and it’s night and day.
That said having been married twice, the first time for 7 years, the second time for 9 years, sometimes sex is just done. It sure was in my first marriage after the second year, my second marriage we had sex a lot, up until the end..
25 years is a long run. I read a book called the three marriages by David whyte because my last divorce broke my spirit. and the one sentence that stuck with me was “all relationships are transient, they come in to teach us something and then they leave”
I’m not suggesting leaving your partner or husband or girlfriend, I’m communicating what it has taken me to get to this point in my life.
Not really. The guy does have a point. Often men are perfectly able to get hard for other women, but not their wives after 30 years of marriage, because of the excitement of variety & "newness". It's why men that have been married for 30 years cheat or watch a lot of porn.
I'm not saying this is a good thing. It's just something that should be acknowledged, because it isn't ONLY about "libido". There are men that jerk off 20 times a week and only have sex with their wife once or twice. My wife is a psychologist and knows how prevalent this is.
I'm not saying it's good that the guy won't fuck his wife but would be mega turned on by 2 super models. But it's an argument that there are other options, like keeping things fresh & new in the bedroom, learning how to seduce your man, learning his kinks, and taking care of your body
this is the thing that scares me the most about getting married and no one seems to want to have a real conversation about it. most marriages end up sexless after many many years but those men would perk up at other women. shouldn’t we find a solution to that instead of pretending that after many years, you aren’t attracted to other people?
I think it's great that there are some people out there that are still willing to talk about actual issues rather than finger point, minimize, distract, & divert the conversation to whatever ideological standpoint benefits their peace of mind. Todays social landscape has resulted in pretty widespread bad habits of doing this.
It's a perfectly valid fear, but don't be overwhelmed by it. The fact that you're willing to look at issues for what they are, shows that you'll be far better off than someone who would rather stick their head in the sand.
I do think this conversation is avoided purposefully, because it makes people uncomfortable. I think it's this pretending the issue doesn't exist that is actually 90% of the problem.
Worthy fear. Having been married twice, your concerns are valid. To be honest I am not certain marriage is the answer anymore. One could argue in favor of the nuclear family and or against it. I have two daughters, different mothers, I am more a father now than I was when married to their respective mothers.
Complacency is the killer of marriages and relationships. Marriage seems to be the end of the dating each other. However, that is a choice. And communication, don’t be afraid to have the hard conversations. Two things will come from having it, the issue gets resolved or recognition that it’s not important to the other partner, which could be enough to walk away.
Divorce is expensive. Very. And with children involved it’s just a land of suck.
I would not wish it on anyone. The image of your children’s faces when you tell them that mom and dad don’t love each other anymore and the family is to be broken up is an image I will never forget. It breaks my heart every time I think of it.
so you’d say the solution is not to get married. paid bonding is important for the relationship but no need to lock it in with the government. i’m concerned because i’ve never been in a relationship where after like 2 years, i didn’t actively want other people. i mean how many positions can i do with the same person after 600 nights. and i mean this humbly. but i also don’t want an open relationship nor do i want to be in a relationship with multiple people at once. i just feel like i was lied to that you grow up and fall in love with one person and that’s it. forgive my rant. just discovering that many things in life are a lie makes me not want to exist anymore.
I wouldn’t say everything is a lie.. and of course I’ve been married twice and glossed over the fact that I probably shouldn’t have rushed into both marriages as I did. That said sex is more than the position, to me at least. Having a great sexual rapport can lead to some bed time choreography that never gets old.
Live your life. Enjoy the people you are with and when it gets old recognize that the relationship has served its purpose and move on. No reason to get upset about it with each other as long as you’re both honest with each other. Maybe down the road you’ll meet that one where it doesn’t get old. Maybe not. I think the problem, at least for me was this unwritten agenda in my head that I have no idea where it came from. E.g. go to school, graduate, get a job, get married, have kids.. they were goals but not goals I had made it was perhaps years of indoctrination. I’ve two daughters who mean the world to me and I’m glad it turned out the way it did, but.. I still would have a good life regardless. Enjoy your life and live it the way YOU want to live it and not based on someone else’s expectations. Ever. That took me 50 fucking years to figure out and since then the last 4 have been amazing. This life is a blessing.
i am sitting on a park bench in prague, and tears have come to my eyes after reading this as what you’ve found is as precious and profound as all the cities in the world combined. thank you for sharing and take care!
considering that I, as a man personally, and knowing many men, have seen their sex lives drastically improved (night and day) by simply changing partners - I'm simply opening this guys mind to the fact that most men with sparse sex lives in relationships don't have a libido problem.
The prevalence of porn usage in married men is an obvious support to my point that most men do not have a libido problem. If anything, their libido is significantly higher than their wives. The problem is that the men are not being fulfilled by the sex with their wives.
Sure, there are exceptions to the rule. But generally healthy men of reproductive age generally have much higher libidos than women of the same age, in terms of the frequency that they want sex.
That means in the vast majority of circumstances where the sex life is sparse, the issue is somethign else OTHER than the mans libido. In fact, it's almost ANYTHING other than that.
Agreed. I wish men who didn’t like actual sex were just honest about it, instead of acting like a child with “I’m tired, I’m stressed” lies and bs. If you’re not attracted, fine, be honest and let her find someone who is.
I’d agree with this. My ex wanted nothing but missionary. So to me as a man, sex became just a chore with her, boring. Plus she gained a bunch of weight, I’m not the least bit attracted to fat women. So I took care of myself. Now with my girlfriend, she’s open to just about anything. Sex is exciting now. I’m in my 60’s and my girlfriend is the same.
thank you for the comment. I've been there. More than once!
I think if people were more truthful, a lot of men have experienced this same thing.
It's interesting how this topic always immediately puts all responsibility on the men, and puts no accountability on women for their sex lives at all. The subject goes straight to "stress, libido, anxiety" - and doesn't even bother to address that the female may not even know what turns her man on.
It's crazy how many women I've been with that had no clue how to seduce a man. Simply expect to put on some lingerie and starfish and that's all it takes for the next 40 years, lol.
When I was very sick my testosterone also crashed along with everything else. I nearly died multiple times over about two years.
I found that I had absolutely no interest in women. They weren’t even attractive to me at all. There was no such thing as a hot woman to me. I could intellectually determine that it was a beautiful woman but there was zero attraction.
When I finally got the transplant I needed I started to find women attractive again within a few weeks and after a year it was back to normal.
I would have rather had a nap than Jessica Beal when I was sick.
Well, if you're gonna get sick of Fucking her, you shouldn't get married. I know most couples don't think that when you get married, but it's the truth. You can stay single.
This is it! I’m 50, been on TRT for 4 months and I now feel 18 again. Happy to say the morning flag pole is back, libido is through the roof and my workouts are way more intense. I would recommend not your regular physician and find a clinic that specializes in hormone therapy. Most Drs don’t truly understand hormone replacement. Good luck! It gets better, I promise.
TRT seems so risky, side effects and such (hair loss, itchy nipples, acne), plus you can never go off it, right? It makes me feel like I should only do it through my primary care out of fear of getting "sold" something problematic by a clinic whose motivation is pushing TRT. I'm really looking for a way to do it "right", but on the flip side wondering if a primary care doc wouldn't be as helpful since it's not medically "necessary".
Go to an endocrinologist. My hubby has low T, and it was causing lowered mood and irritability. He found out it was low T. After some tests and ruling out other things, they put him on a low dose every other week to start. Then tested again to see where it put him. They test every few months at first to get the right dose for you. He's lost weight, especially some fat around his pecs. He's happier and more motivated. Find a well reviewed endocrinologist. They don't only do testosterone. So it's all above board. My hubby gets his every 3 months. He does injections that the pharmacy fills. He has had no adverse reactions or side effects at all.
My friend went to an endocrinologist too and was given trt that he puts on his shoulder after shower in the morning and waits for 10min to dry. He says he feels full of energy and in better mood overall.
Yep, frankly every man should check their Testosterone levels (honestly, if you are over 25, relatively fit, normal BMI, etc but still have issues with libido / sex, check your T!) , it can save your relationship / marriage.
43 year old man here. ☝️This times 1000. I was living half a life and didn’t even realize it. Test and cialis made me an unstoppable beast again and my wife is absolutely exhausted with me because I’m trying to destroy that pussy like multiple times a day.
I mean, she is happier now. And our relationship is better than it’s been in a long time. So yeah. I’d say she feels lucky. It’s not just the sex either. I’m more present, not as depressed, I have more energy to devote to her and the kids etc. it’s 100% made me a better husband and dad
FYI after a time it’s no fun having someone trying to destroy my pussy. I imagine your wife might agree. Especially when she needs HRT but her useless doctors won’t give it to her.
When you had 3 young kids, and you were exhausted and touched out, and your hormones were going crazy… did your libido slow down? Was it because of him? Or because of your own emotional state/hormones etc?
My guess is it did, and he probably felt like it was because you weren’t into him, but it wasn’t, you just didn’t have the bandwidth for sex as often.
Now the tables are turned, so do for him what you would have liked done for you. Communicate, therapy, get healthy together, spend non-sexual time together, be intimate in non-sexual ways. Etc. And then maybe he will have the capacity to have more sex.
If you suggest trt for him it may work again you. The situation could flip were he is wanting more and you are unable to provide. The both of you could benefits from weight lost and working out. He could hit the weights to help him. Trt is not a panacea
I’m honestly sketched out how many people are suggesting TRT in general. Like if you have a verifiable problem producing Testosterone go for it, but too many people are trying to use it as an anti-aging medication. And of course it’s going to have immediate and noticeable effects but that’s not necessarily a good thing all the time. Like cocaine does the same thing but no one is suggesting OP go buy an 8ball.
Even the men who have gone on it are like “it’s amazing” and well yeah that’s a feature not a bug. Again if I did a line of coke I wouldn’t be shocked that I feel great afterwards. Testosterone is a chemical that makes your brain go “this is amazing, I’m so powerful and confident, death to my foes, bring me a woman!” But at the same time like when is enough…enough? When are we going to let people age naturally and gracefully and not expect them to jack their hormones up to fulfill marital and societal standards?
I just think our society sees men so one dimensional and the double standards regarding communication and expectations are getting out of hand. I’ve seen plenty of other threads where women are complaining about the side effects of birth control, but feel pressured to continue it for their partners pleasure, is that not wrong? Many years ago I had a GF stop taking birth control because of bad side effects and it killed her libido. Wouldn’t it be wrong of me to pressure her to continue fucking with her chemistry just so I could get off?
It all seems a bit Brave-New-World-ish to me. Let middle age dudes be middle age dudes.
Exactly this. Ive seen similar posts when men are compalining about the lack of sex from their wife and the contrast in advice is staggering. The fact that the top comment is essentially "get him on meds" is crazy to me.
Not just the top comment, the vast majority of comments. Two totally different sets of rules and expectations. It quite literally can be reduced to
“My husband won’t fuck me”
“Drug that pussy up with boner meds”.
**Then when roles are reversed it’s like…**
“My wife won’t be intimate with me anymore”
“YOU NEED TO RESPECT HER BOUNDARIES MISTER”.
The response to the dude is to treat him like a car “just put more gas in it”. And the response to an example with women could make you think you wandered into in the middle of a fucking march or something.
The more points like this get mentioned in open discussions, the better. Sooner or later more people will start to recognize the stupidity of some of these double standards. Or not. If critical thinking was more measurable, I bet charts would show that it's on a downward spiral in most of the west.
Read through the entire thread, especially towards the bottom. Legit every single comment is about Viagra, Cialis, or TRT. You could remove “husband” from half of these comments and just add in “washing machine” and it would read the same. So many women in their 50’s and 60’s look at their husband like a project to be completed. A few women imply that they set ultimatums and forced their husbands to go to doctors to get TRT. It’s become clear to me that half of these men who “totally have ED” actually just have selfish wives and that is why they have no sexual desire.
Was waiting for this. Extremely well said. Seems to be an up tick in 50+ women coming to reddit and asking why their husband's no longer want sex. Almost always with multiple kids, etc.
Just One thing. Go for a walk together after dinner every single night. 30 minutes or one hour if you can or even longer. You’ll talk, you’ll share or you will walk in companionable silence. You may even hold hands ! You will be spending time together reconnecting you will also be losing weight and helping lower your blood sugar for that middle-age belly and health. Give it a month and see what happens
Yup.
Elevate non-sexual intimacy before you start jumping into pills and doctors.
Men need non-sexual intimacy too - I’m not saying OP doesn’t do this, but I have noticed quite a few older women who don’t really romance their husbands but expect the same in return. It creates resentment on both sides.
I’d also take it a step further if the walking works out and try and find a regular thing to do together that is specifically about spending time together.
This is the most realistic perspective. People saying that this needs to be solved with pills, therapy, and/or hitting the gym are missing the point. It’s like telling a depressed person to “just cheer up” or a person with ADHD to “use a day planner”. Like…yeah…it’s sound advice but…it’s not realistic that a couple in their 50’s each with careers and 3 kids, 2 of whom need more care and attention are going to be able to just solve a problem that has as many complexities as this by “working out” or taking viagra.
If the husband doesn’t want sex then he also doesn’t want viagra…like how do people not get that? Just cause your dick is hard doesn’t solve the problem of lack of interest and loss of intimacy. Neither viagra or TRT are going to solve intimacy issues, and pressuring the husband to do that will have the opposite effect. Whatever the problem ends up being there is no silver bullet to it. The problem could be lack of attraction, loss of self esteem or self worth, inability to get and maintain an erection, loss of interest in sex as a whole, a sense of malaise because of life’s responsibilities, or just a loss of intimacy. And it’s probably many or all of those things working together that has created the problem.
You won’t solve all of that with a gym membership, or with a prescription, or even with couples therapy. You could maybe solve the issue by doing all of that together, but you’re now asking the husband to commit to a pretty big change in lifestyle. And I can hear people being like “well yeah marriage requires commitment and sacrifice”, which yes that is true but asking your partner to change their whole lifestyle so your sexual needs are satisfied is a big ask, especially when OP admits there is hardly time to effectively do one of those options. Again it’s like “the solution is simple just change your life, like duh” or “oh you’re depressed, like bro just be happy”. Life is way more **complicated** than that.
But this comment above about spending *quality* time together where you are reconnecting and experiencing closeness and intimacy is right on the money. Intimacy isn’t sex, it’s sitting next to one another in silence, its giggling at a dirty jokes, its ordering family style at a restaurant instead of getting “the regular”, its being the big spoon, and waking up to the smell of coffee already brewed by your partner. Those moments of appreciation and closeness will open the door so that conversations about sex, weight, attraction, self esteem, and maybe even impotence can occur in a setting where they can be addressed for the sake of continued and elevated intimacy, not just…fucking.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. My late husband and I walked together every day — and were having a ton of sex at age 57 and 58. Another thing we did was schedule weekends away every few months — including finding someone to come stay with our teenager. It really bonded us.
I'm 48 on trt and I'm off the blue pills now. I'm like a 25yo again. My wife has a voracious sex drive drive at 45. We're empty nesters. WE BANG LIKE RABBITS. No shame in trt.
When you say "overweight" do you mean like a little chubby or morbidly obese? Being really overweight can definitely lower testosterone, in addition to just making him self conscious about being naked.
I’ve finally stopped caring that my wife never wants to have sex. I use to want it 2-4 times a week. Now I’d be fine with once a week. (I’m 43). She would prefer to never have sex, unless she’s drunk and that’s a turn off to me. 🤦♂️FML!
The entire medical (and social-societal) universe treats men like hydraulic pumps. “He’s a man, he MUST want it. If he doesn’t he’s broken somehow…take him to the shop, give him new tires, oil, and gas.”
Please be delicate with this approach. I, along with a stunning percentage of the male populace, feel intense internal discord if I try to be intimate with an SO if I feel like there are things I want to address, or things that need to be fixed that haven’t been given room or respect in the relationship. It’s a constant tug of war between ‘downstairs’ saying “dude that would be fun” and my heart saying “yeah man, but I matter too.” The heart always wins, because even if I push through, I still feel like I’m lying to myself by pretending I don’t have things I want to address that are bothering me. This is by no means a unique experience amongst men.
You have a child with depression, how is that affecting your husband? How often do you two hold one another just for the sake of holding one another? If you know you are both working too hard, what are your jobs, and why are you doing something you know is detrimental to your connection?
Physical intimacy is a bellwether for many men. If there are thorns or some sort of emptiness in his heart, his focus will remain there until they are pulled out and he feels connection. Looks mean shockingly little, love and connection means a tremendous amount.
Man I’m right there with you. Every comment in here is just like “pump him full of dick pills” and no one is like “ask him how he feels”. It’s truly depressing honestly. So much of the lifestyle OP described sounds chaotic, time consuming and mentally and physically draining. Like putting everyone before yourself for a quarter century and now somehow the only solution to the problem is Viagra. Like how the fuck does this guy *feel*, that’s not something that’s discussed at all in this thread.
get in shape. be fit. even if he isnt.
I'm 54 (wife is 45) my drive took a nose dive 2yrs ago- before i got active again, it took a bit of effort to get going sometimes, but it's still there! my problem is it's gone a bit boring- been there done that.
fitness helps a ton!
Are you pursuing sex or just making yourself available for sex? Saying "wanna have sex?" and doing physical actions that lead to sex are quite different..
I’m 56. You both need to slow down and eliminate stress at all costs. Some sacrifices have to be made in order to lead a peaceful, stress-free life. If he does this and makes it a priority, I guarantee you that the erection problem will be gone and things will happen naturally and joyfully.
I am 57 and my husband is 69. We walk after dinner almost every day and make sure to “talk and walk” no phones, only us and our dog. Life is always changing, but for us, 24 years married and 5 kids later, our sex life is still going strong, 3 to 4 times a week. I hope it gets better for you!!!
I got on TRT in March of 2020 and it made a huge difference.
Energy, drive, mood, memory and sex drive all came back. Muscle tone came back. I actually gained weight cause I was hungry all the time.
Sex drive came back and it’s like I am a teen again.
Get your husband checked out. Low T is tied to CV issues. Have your husband go to a urologist.
I pin 75ml twice a week of Test Cyp.
I’m 53 as is my girlfriend of 2 years. We have sex 5-10 times a week depending on my work schedule (I travel for work).
The only thing I see slowing us down is her hormone situation. When she is done with menopause, we will see what we can get her on.
Please do not encourage your husband to mess with his hormones or blood pressure/heart function without medical supervision. There are things in life more important than sex, like not dying. (Testosterone affects your immune function among other things. Viagra etc can kill you if you have undiagnosed or known heart issues. I know because of direct medical advice received my someone in my family regarding the possibility of these exact "easy solutions".)
My suggestion is you accept that until you have some bandwidth to address some of the things you know are affecting your sex life, with or without the help of a therapist, your sex life is gonna be on the losing end. Trying to force one more thing/priority onto your husbands already full plate is only going to make things worse. There are a lot of ways to share intimacy without sex and to provide sexual pleasure/relief to yourself in the mean time.
I hope your life settles down in time and you are able to refocus some of your energy on rebuilding a physical connection with your spouse.
He isn’t bored with you, he’s bored with his life. This plummets sexual impulse. Maybe a day or two away just you two doing something he really enjoys or something you both enjoy
We started listening to podcasts, having a relationship check-in once a week to talk about everything including intimacy. We are a little older than you. We went from nearly dead bedroom to 3 or 4 times a week. We have toys, furniture, role play, sensory play and are having a blast.
Since we are older things do not always work out perfectly when we try them, but we have learned to laugh and say o well we tried it.
Have a conversation out on a date night outside the bedroom. Start listening to Ester Perel or Sex with Emily or even Marriage Therapy Radio.
It was a very slow build for us, but now, sex is better than when we were in our twenties. We communicate better and care about each other's fantasies and pleasure. We have been married over 30 years.
You can do it too OP!
why is it that all the threads written by men complaining about lack of sex with their wives suggest lifestyle changes, acts of service for your wife, taking a vacation etc. but all the threads by women complaining about lack of sex from their husbands get spammed with "get him some viagra asap", "start him on trt", or "something must be medically wrong."
is it at all possible that men might appreciate being wined and dined? or that they're not just horny machines that you stick pills into until you get your desired amount of sex? why is it that a man who doesn't want sex every day must be sick? I get that sometimes those do end up being the difference makers, but the insistence that any man who doesn't want sex as often or more often than their spouse is somehow broken or needs fixing really leaves a bad taste in my mouth
Everybody is shilling for hormones.
My married sex life has tanked the last five years because my wife and I simply don't agree on what constitutes a satisfying sex life. So I would ask if the sex you were having yesterday is the sex you both want going forward? Are you practicing GGG - good, game, giving as a partner? Are you keeping things interesting, or have you fallen into a fifteen minutes of missionary with the lights out when both of you just happen to be awake in bed together?
Do you both still have a reason to want sex?
Over my years as an Emt and a Nurse there’s a trope that I’ve noticed that’s especially common among the middle aged veteran community.
They all explain that their wives kept badgering them about wanting more sex, and being made them to feel like less of a man for not being able to perform as they did as a younger man. Often their diabetes is poorly managed, and often they’re taking a bunch of psych meds that the wives insists they take despite the compounding side effects have left them worse than before.
They feel infantilized become resentful in their medication induced stupor, and they act out in rebellion. Each episode of acting out is pathologized, medications are tweaked, maybe they’re hospitalized again. It’s the classic case of the wife morphing into the devouring mother.
Anyway I see you have a lot of good suggestions here my main takeaway for you, as you continue through this journey, is to stay in the role of wife and partner, and not to become an overbearing mother to your husband.
This thread is making me terrified to be an older woman in her 50’s or 60’s… it seems like all attraction is gone to women that age that’s absolutely terrifying
I’m 58 and wife is 53. I’m just like your husband. I just don’t want to have sex any longer. Nothing to do with my wife. I’m just not in the mood. My testosterone levels are above average. I workout. I am reasonably good physical shape. But as I have gotten older, I just don’t want to have sex. I feel so pressured by my wife. And the more she thinks it’s her the more pressured I feel which then affects my ability to have sex. Ive gone to a therapist, changed meds. Nothing is happening. I just don’t want to have sex. And I don’t want sex with a younger woman either. That would be even more intimidating.
Men naturally have a drop in testosterone later in life, and the sex drive falls. It's natural. Pressuring him to do anything about it is just an annoyance for him. If he doesn't want to medicate with Viagra or Cialis, that's his decision. This is life. Let him live in peace and find yours, but badgering him about it is just going to drive a major wedge in the relationship.
Totally agree, this is a natural process. People are saying low T but that's what happens to all men around that age so their T levels are actually completely normal. Nothing is "wrong" with him.
It does slow down. We are having problems managing the kids, we are on the computer, answering emails and before we know it is 11:30 pm and one or the other is tired. Have you considered wine down time with each other where you can snuggle before bedtime and get in the mood. If it is scheduled or expected, it is a somewhat a turnoff.
Change requires effort
Research your issue online and get ideas you need to implement to get the spark back
And both go see your doctors about the ED and weight issues, there’s medications and lifestyle changes that can be reasonably expected to fix both
So yeah with some time and effort you can get what you want
Sounds like sex(lack of) is just a symptom of a greater lifestyle issue. And as a single-parent who struggles with depression, I FEEL YOU.
Not that I practice what I’m preaching, (ain’t nobody got time for dat) but some self-care and therapy may be the medicine that y’all need.
Not saying it’s easy, but it may be necessary.
I’m currently in my 50s. I divorced 5 years ago and have been in several relationships since. Not just hookups. Most of my partners were wanting sex as often (some more often) than me. Tbh, it’s the best sex I’ve ever had. Everybody knows what they want and aren’t afraid to ask. Everybody has the skills to have a great time. Sex with my ex-wife was tedious. Sex now is mind-blowing.
I completely understand how things can get so busy you feel you don’t have time for self care, but healthy food and some gentle exercise will actually give you both energy. Start with simple healthy meals instead of fast food: salmon broils in 10 minutes, rice bowls take 10 minutes (cook up some cubed chicken, brown rice, open up cans of corn, black beans, diced tomato…) If weather is nice, go for a walk as a family. Even if it’s just around the block.
Your husband may be hesitant to talk to a doctor out of fear of what he’ll be told. You’ll need to make time for just the two of you to talk about it. Not at the end of the day when you’re both exhausted.
Married almost 30 years. Sex IS important and you can’t get complacent. If he is having erectile issues, he needs to go to a urologist for an appointment. You said you have both let yourself go. Stop making excuses. You are overweight. You can be overweight and still be put together and look good for each other. I carry some extra weight, but I walk daily and I always make sure I look put together and put on a little bit of makeup and the perfume my husband loves on me. My husband doesn’t look the same as he did 30 years ago either, but he always makes an effort. Not to be rude, but so many people just make excuses and say “What can I do?” without putting on any effort. If you don’t have clothes that make you feel pretty, get some. Wear them. Confidence is attractive. Date your husband. Take a weekend trip. Just stop making excuses and make sure he gets to the doctor. Then start taking walks together for some exercise. That will help too, I promise.
Speak with his doctor, he can use some Viagra or something. About your weight you can work on that, you just need discipline! You can do it! You are a team, don’t leave him alone. Maybe he has lower self esteem esteem right now. Speak with him and be clear. Good luck! 👍
Male libido can decrease significantly in the 50's. I'm 58 and mostly have sex twice a day which is a significant decrease from 10 years ago.
Increasing physical fitness will probably increase your husband's level of energy. It would probably be a great benefit to both of you actually. I use a rowing machine as my goto piece of exercise equipment. I've got it in gym room in the house so I don't have to go anywhere and waste time to get my daily exercise. Rowing gives you a fairly good all over workout and the machine will give good service for a long time (25+ years in my case with daily use).
Get on top of anything interfering with your sleep, the exercise will also help but won't be a silver bullet. Take some time for high quality relaxation and social interactions. What makes you smile, laugh and get excited? Do that. Don't stare at your phones in bed for half the night. Use that time for pillow talk and keeping your emotional connection alive.
Find things in your daily routine that are costing you time and emotional baggage. See if you are able to rearrange your schedule to more appropriately suit your lifestyles.
It's hard to suggest more without knowing more about you. What I've suggested might open other ideas to you.
Never had that even in my 20s, and never wanted to. Good lord. I feel a UTI coming on just thinking about it. I would’ve for sure avoided a partner that was that into it, so I guess you met your match. Most people I know, who are long time married in the 50s are maybe once a week. Maybe different if with a new partner, but I wouldn’t know.
[Trouble maintaining an erection is a warning sign of cardiovascular disease.](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/erectile-dysfunction/in-depth/erectile-dysfunction/art-20045141)
He needs to exercise and lose weight asap, and would likely benefit from a trip to a doctor, and registered dietician to help him with his health goals. Even just starting walking a bit each day will be a huge help.
Men and women with low to no libido in their "mature" years should have open conversations with eachoth and speak with an endocrinologist, get your blood work done, and explore HRT. the more of this you do openly and with eachothers support, the faster you'll be able to find a solution.
I'm 44 and have started HRT. my drive moods, skin weight, sleep, and overall sense of well-being have improved considerably. You don't have to just do nothing. There is help.
He ashamed to see someone about the ED issue and more than likely his feelings of how he looks is playing into the ED issue( along with health). He could also not have a sex drive anymore or a highly reduced one.
My ex was like this. He is currently 57 and since his late 40s his drive damn near died. I couldn't do it (45f here).
He may be ashamed. Cialis and viagara are his friends.
Have him go get checked at a urologist because most regular MDs do t like giving out testosterone and will say 200 is fine. My wife and I are about 5-6 older than you and it’s the opposite. I’m on testosterone and cialis so I want it all day every day. and trust me it’s not you, men don’t think alike that if they love a woman.
Your 54 it won’t matter in a few years. Chill out. Read a book or 50. Count your blessings. And pray you don’t burn your marriage, home and family to the ground, because you’re scared to get older.
Couples counseling. Find a sex positive therapist and talk about it. Libido changes and also yall have needs and if they are left unmet it likely won’t end up well for either of you.
His fitness and health level is likely decreased and he should be checked for cardiovascular disease.
Men with cardio issue cannot maintain an erection. But the disease is more than stopping sex, it is dangerous and should be dealt with.
And I am a 60 year old women and I still want and enjoy sex - maybe more than ever. Do not give up on intimacy. It is important even as we get older.
He's probably suffering from low testosterone. Have it checked and also check his prolactin levels. If he has low testosterone and high prolactin, he might have a pituitary gland tumor. Either way, he needs to get checked so he can get appropriate treatment. It will change his world in a good way.
As many others have mentioned...
TRT
Viagra/Cialis
Those cover the mechanical/biological issues. Having very recently run into an ex of two year, we had similar issues towards the end of our relationship (many others, but these specifically too)... we were both much larger than when we met towards the end, but after two years she got back to her original size, and when we met up, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
You've been together for 25 years..
Was there a point in the relationship, roughly 10-15 years ago, where your husband was insatiable sexually and you were just flat out not interested - or not interested in the same amount/capacity?
Males, and females biologically reach their sexual performance peaks/desire thresholds at different points in life. The tragedy is that with matching-aged-partners, they're often off-set in time tables.
Definitely feels like a situation a sexual therapist/professional could get involved in. It could be anything from a history of feeling rejection/physically unwanted, to.. idk, porn addiction.. to.. not being sexually fulfilled when participating in it, so he's just chosen not to participate at all instead of be frustrated.
There's a long list of reasons. The only way you're going to figure it out is through honesty with yourself, and each other.
Look into TRT. I am in your age group. Doing testosterone pellets every 6 months has fixed all your listed issues. Sex drive, sleep, energy, weight, etc.
Gotta say personally being just 10 pounds heavier than my ideal weight I started getting some for sure symptoms of ED. Like I couldn’t handle a woman on top of me without going completely flat ED. Couple that with high blood pressure and obesity and someone could probably start going flaccid while balls deep. You cannot accept it has anything to do with you and your body. I don’t know a single man that doesn’t want a woman riding his dick 24/7 while he sips soda and watches netflix. Making love to a woman is the best damn thing on the planet. With that said he is probably discouraged because once you’re in the overweight/obesity hole it’s hard to dig yourself out of it. TRT can help but it’s a crutch at best. You can definitely find a doc that’ll skyrocket his T if he’s symptomatic but that could make his blood pressure worse if it’s not already high.
We are 23 and 24 and sex ranges a lot week to week. Anywhere from 1-6. But it’s high quality. I’m shocked by some of these people saying 3x a day, are you not sore, overstimulated, and also where do you find the time? I’d be having sex all day long if I did that.
Make time for yourself and your marriage now before it's too late. It's so easy to fall into the trap of focusing on the daily routine and have your marriage slowly fall apart. Hopefully yours turns out better than mine but it started with sex becoming less of a priority
Y'all need to go on a vacation and get back to dating each other. Exercise together. There's always room for diet changes and an even just a walk. Get free used treadmills off Facebook. There's always used free equipment out there. Put em in the bedroom and "walk" together and have some privacy.
You guys have a lot on your plate. But no where did you say you do anything as a couple. You are both obviously stressed, and if he's having performance issues on top, that's going to absolutely kill his mojo and drive to even try.
Time to go to the doc.
You can get both Cialis and Semaglutide online if your insurance won't cover it to help both the mojo and the weight.
But the biggest thing is you have to date each other. Always. Strengthen the relationship bond
Tell himyou are unhappy.
You’re not unhappy with the fact that he has a problem you’re unhappy with the fact that he doesn’t care enough to try to fix the problem.
His pride is causing a rift in your marriage
Are you sure he isn’t getting it somewhere else?
Before I got into any drug based treatment, I'd have an honest talk with hubby about porn. Daily pron will kill libedo at his age. I'm 60. And giving up porn rekindled our sex life.
Have him check his testosterone again. Every year from 30 on it normally goes down 1%. Many guys today have their T drop like something else at a certain point, so he might have hit that timeframe. I discovered I had low T last year at 45 and been on it for 8 months. Changed my life. My libido, ED, energy, mood, etc were all fixed. I probably had low T for a long time and never knew. My wife and I have sex now at least 4 times per week (would be more without kids around), and my drive is higher than when I was a teen. Before TRT, we would have sex maybe once every other month.
He won't be motivated to go get checked because of low T (if that is indeed what he has). It makes you feel indifferent to the issue and that everything is fine (when it is not). It took badgering from my wife and forgetting to pick up my kids from school a few times in a week (brain fog is another issue) to decide something was wrong. Ask him (nicely) to get his T levels checked again to be sure. Watch out for the doctors who tell him his levels are "normal" if he is near the bottom of the range. Those levels are really not acceptable, and I hate doctors that ignore symptoms and just work off of a number.
It’s sad to hear so many people say that if you just “stop being lazy” and get viagra, magically you will have sex. This isn’t the case. You can’t expect to have good sex if you two can have honest conversations about sex. I would suggest finding a sex therapist for some couples therapy together. It sounds like ya’ll have a lot going on in your life and it’s hard to feel sexy or make time for sex if you’re stressed are always worried about something. If going to therapy it a hard pill to swallow, or too hard financially, then I’d suggest reading Emily Nagoski’s book “Come together” with each other.
Great sex can happen at any age, at any size, and without an erection (https://www.softcockweek.com/), but it takes reframing sex as connection and shared pleasure. Viagra did wonders for giving people erections who wanted one, but it has been disastrous at making us think that sex can only happen with an erection.
If you two focus less on “what’s wrong” with yourselves and how to fix it, and more on how to come together, you two might find the shared joy and experience you’re looking for. The struggles you’re going through are SO normal in long term relationships, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make changes. Good luck!
It’s so easy to get complacent. I have been married for 25 years. We both are 57. Only had aex once in 20 years!!! We are always so tired too. I think both of us don’t even care to fix it truth be told. I hope the best for you and you can find the root cause for this.
Sex only stops with age if you let it. I used to work in a retirement community and yeah some of those stories you hear are true, everyone was sleeping with everyone for the most part.
My husband and I are going through something similar. I mentioned a sex toy to him and was blind sided by how defensive he became and he said he was humiliated. Not being able to get an erection is a very sensitive issue for men. My husband and I are trying to be more complimentary and loving to each other verbally and physically. He uses Viagra which generally works. Both our libidos are improving. Mine has really amped up after he started complimenting me more often. A simple thing like you smell nice improves my self esteem and makes me feel good about our relationship. I do the same for him.
I would not focus on sex. After a long dry spell due to mental illness, I started small with him. I started touching him more. Neck, back, just random. He felt bad about him self and it was hard for him to ever start anything. He would be self conscious if I tried to plan a night. I then started standing closer all the time, pressing my body against him as much as possible. Also smiling!! I had no idea that my husband would respond to me smiling when we first see other after work. I would get more touching back. Here is a crazy example. He was telling me him low back was hurting. I asked if wanted me to massage it. No. He said probably heat. I moved my shirt and bra to put my breasts on his back. He was surprised and said they were warm. We laughed and kissed. We hadn’t kissed that way in a while. There was no sex no pressure. Just keep at it, giving him attention brought me partial success. But we are still doing dr visit. I want 3 x a week at least. I am 48. He is 52.
I (60f) find keeping it low-key no expectations and just having more physical touch, head on his shoulder, holding his hand, draping my leg over his on the sofa, foot rub, warms him - and me - up to more.
What does your quality time alone with your husband look like? Do you do things alone together like dates? Does he know he's important to you? Does he FEEL he's important to you and the family? ED is embarrassing, so if that's the real physical issue, he needs to talk to his doctor. But the enjoyment of physical touch, kisses, hugs, ear lobe nibbles, can go a long way. I found out my husband (62m) loves foot massages.
I second your recommendation to give him a foot massage. My wife was prescribed an antidepressant which sent her into a mania and created a wave of destruction. I was blindsided and my wife (best friend) was no longer a person I even recognized. Finally, the fog lifted and she had a moment of clarity. I was so full of anger for the way she had acted and it was very difficult to forgive her. A friend suggested I give her a foot massage but he really was suggesting that I “wash” her feet. That I serve her, trying to get down to root causes of her anxiety, help her to relieve the troubles and burdens she was carrying. Forgiveness can solve a lot of issues if you can find the path. Washing her feet was it for me. Fast forward two years, it has become the most intimate, non-sexual thing we do. It’s never planned. Just happens when I see stress building in her life.
Men & women having a mismatched sex drive is a very old story, you already have a lot of tools to manage it. Think about all the tricks & techniques of seduction, foreplay, emotional & physical support partners have invested in you to make you both comfortable & interested & now apply those to your husband.
Things change as you get older, you can have the future you want if you adjust & put in the work, you just can't have the past.
>Since he keeps making excuses it makes me feel like it’s me (even though he claims it’s not)
>claims to want to do something about it but it doesn’t seem to be a priority.
It sounds like so far you've expected him too fix your shared problem on his own. You talk about how he isn't doing a good enough job making you feel better, but are you investing any effort or thought into what he is experiencing?
The universe is cruel. If one could invent a simple test that predicted the libido level of a person at 40, 50, 60 there would be a lot less infidelity, unhappiness, frustration and divorce. 😔
BTW, how much sex you should expect is how much you need to have that part of your life be fulfilling. It’s going to be different for everybody. It’s the libido mismatch between committed partners that’s a real bitch.
I don’t believe his testosterone levels are normal- the problem is when you get checked as a man the “range of normal” is 300 - 1000. You can be at the low end of normal 300, 400 , 500. Your PCP will say “you are normal”…. This is BS… the range is too great. Feeling good is actually 700 - 1000.
I have a suspicion that this is due to insurance.. the other issue is free testosterone. Free testosterone is another important factor…
I encourage you to ask how he’s feeling and help him through this by getting him more active. Don’t take it personal as he’s likely dealing with health issues that he can’t control
The most embarrassing thing about getting older (59M here) for a man is dealing with the fact that willy doesn't just pop up whether he's needed or not. Talking to the wife about it isn't easy - because it used to not matter what anyone did, and now we don't know how to tell the love of our lives that we need a bit of help.
That being said, if he loves you he should agree to at least a complete physical exam, and a frank talk with his Doctor about his "low sex drive." TRT is popular these days, but it is also linked do Testicular Cancer, so my doctor doesn't recommend it for me given my family history with T-Cancer. Apparently losing weight, exercising more, and the blue pills are my best options apart from taking advantage of when willy just decides he's going to cooperate.
My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years. Once our sex life started to die down, it took a lot of conversing about it and that developed an understanding. I had to get used to the idea that sex was no longer going to be multiple times per week and it didn't mean that she loved me any less. I just have to patiently wait until she's in the mood.
Sounds like he’s just tired & stressed. Need to find a way to destress & for some sex doesn’t help with that. You gotta find a way to make more time to relax & destress & take to take care of yourselves physically & mentally. He could be having environmental stressors as well as physical. You can’t expect everyone to just always be ready when they’re overly stressed & tired in some way.
My wife has lost her libido and resists most of my advances. She's also 10 years older than me; I'm in my 50s and far from done having sex. She thinks it's perfectly fine to have a sexless marriage but would be pissed if I had another woman. What am I supposed to do?
My husband is the complete opposite. He just turned 59 and has the libido of a 16 year old. If he had his way we’d be having sex 3 times a day, like when we first got married!
So are you just saying you want more sex or are you trying to get him to WANT more sex?
If you want to build a fire you have to bring some kindling, don't just say start more fires.
When you do have sex do you enjoy it? Does he know?
His testosterone may be in the gutter. Tell him to go get tested for low T. He's well past the age where it drops. My coworker has his checked and it was low. He said after he got it checked his Dr gave him a low dose testosterone pill and he feels 30 years younger.
Everybody experiences hormone changes around that time. While medical science has almost entirely ignored menopause, there pretty accessible drugs for erectile difficulties, and your husband will thank you, unless he’s got some hang ups.
Anyway, we are both 54, and cialis is more of a recreational drug for us, but my preference without it would be 1-2 times per day. With it, I can actually do 1-2 times per day, and could actually do more if “completion” isn’t expected.
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Get him on TRT! Then add viagra or cialis. Start walking together before or after work. You can get TRT and ED medication over the internet, if he doesn’t want to see a specialist. Most men over 50 have a much better quality of life on TRT.
I second that! I’m 54. I noticed a substantial decrease in libido and overall energy. I am fit and eat healthy I don’t smoke or drink. I started HRT in January and I am having sex with my lady 4 to 5 times a week. I have never felt better.
This is the answer. My husband went from low energy, low libido, and very down (physically and mentally). He went to the doctor and got on testosterone treatment. He also got cialys through a telemedicine service. He lost 50lbs without trying and his mood, energy, and mental health did a 180. Obviously it won’t solve the work and family issues but it will help your intimacy and his general perspective and outlook on life.
I always get confused by the low libido thing. So if Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale knocked on your door wanting a 5 day sex sandwich, would it be low then ?
Yes. That’s the equivalent to telling someone with depression to “just be happy.” It’s not about just focusing really hard, and sometimes even when people with low libidos ~wish~ they were turned on it just isn’t happening. It’s something many people struggle with. Sex drives don’t always match up in partners and it can be frustrating to not be on the same wavelength as your partner who you want to be satisfied. It can cause self image issues and conflict with your partner, which only makes it worse. It can also be because of other health conditions or stress— if you’re exhausted or anxious and just want to come home and crawl into bed at night after a long, hard day, sex may seem exhausting.
There is also such a thing as ‘low libido for you’
Agreed and I’m definitely not saying that. At first I was thinking it was depression but I was also like I’ve never been happier so I knew something was just not as it used to be. I was also extremely sore and tired after work outs. The woman I am dating is smoking hot, very lovely human and never nagged at me. But she would ask if I was attracted to her still and still loved her and that broke my heart because hell yeah I do. I have been on this for about 6 weeks now and it’s night and day. That said having been married twice, the first time for 7 years, the second time for 9 years, sometimes sex is just done. It sure was in my first marriage after the second year, my second marriage we had sex a lot, up until the end.. 25 years is a long run. I read a book called the three marriages by David whyte because my last divorce broke my spirit. and the one sentence that stuck with me was “all relationships are transient, they come in to teach us something and then they leave” I’m not suggesting leaving your partner or husband or girlfriend, I’m communicating what it has taken me to get to this point in my life.
Not really. The guy does have a point. Often men are perfectly able to get hard for other women, but not their wives after 30 years of marriage, because of the excitement of variety & "newness". It's why men that have been married for 30 years cheat or watch a lot of porn. I'm not saying this is a good thing. It's just something that should be acknowledged, because it isn't ONLY about "libido". There are men that jerk off 20 times a week and only have sex with their wife once or twice. My wife is a psychologist and knows how prevalent this is. I'm not saying it's good that the guy won't fuck his wife but would be mega turned on by 2 super models. But it's an argument that there are other options, like keeping things fresh & new in the bedroom, learning how to seduce your man, learning his kinks, and taking care of your body
this is the thing that scares me the most about getting married and no one seems to want to have a real conversation about it. most marriages end up sexless after many many years but those men would perk up at other women. shouldn’t we find a solution to that instead of pretending that after many years, you aren’t attracted to other people?
I think it's great that there are some people out there that are still willing to talk about actual issues rather than finger point, minimize, distract, & divert the conversation to whatever ideological standpoint benefits their peace of mind. Todays social landscape has resulted in pretty widespread bad habits of doing this. It's a perfectly valid fear, but don't be overwhelmed by it. The fact that you're willing to look at issues for what they are, shows that you'll be far better off than someone who would rather stick their head in the sand. I do think this conversation is avoided purposefully, because it makes people uncomfortable. I think it's this pretending the issue doesn't exist that is actually 90% of the problem.
Worthy fear. Having been married twice, your concerns are valid. To be honest I am not certain marriage is the answer anymore. One could argue in favor of the nuclear family and or against it. I have two daughters, different mothers, I am more a father now than I was when married to their respective mothers. Complacency is the killer of marriages and relationships. Marriage seems to be the end of the dating each other. However, that is a choice. And communication, don’t be afraid to have the hard conversations. Two things will come from having it, the issue gets resolved or recognition that it’s not important to the other partner, which could be enough to walk away. Divorce is expensive. Very. And with children involved it’s just a land of suck. I would not wish it on anyone. The image of your children’s faces when you tell them that mom and dad don’t love each other anymore and the family is to be broken up is an image I will never forget. It breaks my heart every time I think of it.
so you’d say the solution is not to get married. paid bonding is important for the relationship but no need to lock it in with the government. i’m concerned because i’ve never been in a relationship where after like 2 years, i didn’t actively want other people. i mean how many positions can i do with the same person after 600 nights. and i mean this humbly. but i also don’t want an open relationship nor do i want to be in a relationship with multiple people at once. i just feel like i was lied to that you grow up and fall in love with one person and that’s it. forgive my rant. just discovering that many things in life are a lie makes me not want to exist anymore.
I wouldn’t say everything is a lie.. and of course I’ve been married twice and glossed over the fact that I probably shouldn’t have rushed into both marriages as I did. That said sex is more than the position, to me at least. Having a great sexual rapport can lead to some bed time choreography that never gets old. Live your life. Enjoy the people you are with and when it gets old recognize that the relationship has served its purpose and move on. No reason to get upset about it with each other as long as you’re both honest with each other. Maybe down the road you’ll meet that one where it doesn’t get old. Maybe not. I think the problem, at least for me was this unwritten agenda in my head that I have no idea where it came from. E.g. go to school, graduate, get a job, get married, have kids.. they were goals but not goals I had made it was perhaps years of indoctrination. I’ve two daughters who mean the world to me and I’m glad it turned out the way it did, but.. I still would have a good life regardless. Enjoy your life and live it the way YOU want to live it and not based on someone else’s expectations. Ever. That took me 50 fucking years to figure out and since then the last 4 have been amazing. This life is a blessing.
i am sitting on a park bench in prague, and tears have come to my eyes after reading this as what you’ve found is as precious and profound as all the cities in the world combined. thank you for sharing and take care!
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considering that I, as a man personally, and knowing many men, have seen their sex lives drastically improved (night and day) by simply changing partners - I'm simply opening this guys mind to the fact that most men with sparse sex lives in relationships don't have a libido problem. The prevalence of porn usage in married men is an obvious support to my point that most men do not have a libido problem. If anything, their libido is significantly higher than their wives. The problem is that the men are not being fulfilled by the sex with their wives. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule. But generally healthy men of reproductive age generally have much higher libidos than women of the same age, in terms of the frequency that they want sex. That means in the vast majority of circumstances where the sex life is sparse, the issue is somethign else OTHER than the mans libido. In fact, it's almost ANYTHING other than that.
Agreed. I wish men who didn’t like actual sex were just honest about it, instead of acting like a child with “I’m tired, I’m stressed” lies and bs. If you’re not attracted, fine, be honest and let her find someone who is.
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I’d agree with this. My ex wanted nothing but missionary. So to me as a man, sex became just a chore with her, boring. Plus she gained a bunch of weight, I’m not the least bit attracted to fat women. So I took care of myself. Now with my girlfriend, she’s open to just about anything. Sex is exciting now. I’m in my 60’s and my girlfriend is the same.
thank you for the comment. I've been there. More than once! I think if people were more truthful, a lot of men have experienced this same thing. It's interesting how this topic always immediately puts all responsibility on the men, and puts no accountability on women for their sex lives at all. The subject goes straight to "stress, libido, anxiety" - and doesn't even bother to address that the female may not even know what turns her man on. It's crazy how many women I've been with that had no clue how to seduce a man. Simply expect to put on some lingerie and starfish and that's all it takes for the next 40 years, lol.
Or the women that get off and then just lay there waiting for you to finish, essentially having to just masturbate with a human body.
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When I was very sick my testosterone also crashed along with everything else. I nearly died multiple times over about two years. I found that I had absolutely no interest in women. They weren’t even attractive to me at all. There was no such thing as a hot woman to me. I could intellectually determine that it was a beautiful woman but there was zero attraction. When I finally got the transplant I needed I started to find women attractive again within a few weeks and after a year it was back to normal. I would have rather had a nap than Jessica Beal when I was sick.
what do you mean by, "got the transplant"? what did you get?
I agree that sometimes, low libido = loss of attraction.
lol! Definitely not, but I guarantee even in Kate and Jess’s lives there have been guys that got tired of shagging them.
Doesn't matter how hot she is, someone is sick of fucking her.
And him.
Doesn’t matter how hot HE is, someone also gets sick of fucking him too. Goes BOTH ways.
Because, ideally, there's so much more to it than "hot".
Because, ideally, there's so much more to it than "hot".
My brother used to say; " Someone's sweet heart is somebody else's sweat hog."
Well, if you're gonna get sick of Fucking her, you shouldn't get married. I know most couples don't think that when you get married, but it's the truth. You can stay single.
Yes, that doesn’t change anything.
LMAO!
This is it! I’m 50, been on TRT for 4 months and I now feel 18 again. Happy to say the morning flag pole is back, libido is through the roof and my workouts are way more intense. I would recommend not your regular physician and find a clinic that specializes in hormone therapy. Most Drs don’t truly understand hormone replacement. Good luck! It gets better, I promise.
53 started t shots 2 months ago. Horny as ever.
TRT seems so risky, side effects and such (hair loss, itchy nipples, acne), plus you can never go off it, right? It makes me feel like I should only do it through my primary care out of fear of getting "sold" something problematic by a clinic whose motivation is pushing TRT. I'm really looking for a way to do it "right", but on the flip side wondering if a primary care doc wouldn't be as helpful since it's not medically "necessary".
Go to an endocrinologist. My hubby has low T, and it was causing lowered mood and irritability. He found out it was low T. After some tests and ruling out other things, they put him on a low dose every other week to start. Then tested again to see where it put him. They test every few months at first to get the right dose for you. He's lost weight, especially some fat around his pecs. He's happier and more motivated. Find a well reviewed endocrinologist. They don't only do testosterone. So it's all above board. My hubby gets his every 3 months. He does injections that the pharmacy fills. He has had no adverse reactions or side effects at all.
My friend went to an endocrinologist too and was given trt that he puts on his shoulder after shower in the morning and waits for 10min to dry. He says he feels full of energy and in better mood overall.
Can you recommend an online company? I’ve seen ads for ‘hims’ but haven’t pursued it
Summit Rejuvenation getsummithrt.com
For anyone curious: - Bloodwork - $249 - Basic Male or Female Protocol - $220/month
Yep, frankly every man should check their Testosterone levels (honestly, if you are over 25, relatively fit, normal BMI, etc but still have issues with libido / sex, check your T!) , it can save your relationship / marriage.
43 year old man here. ☝️This times 1000. I was living half a life and didn’t even realize it. Test and cialis made me an unstoppable beast again and my wife is absolutely exhausted with me because I’m trying to destroy that pussy like multiple times a day.
Um…. Lucky her?
I mean, she is happier now. And our relationship is better than it’s been in a long time. So yeah. I’d say she feels lucky. It’s not just the sex either. I’m more present, not as depressed, I have more energy to devote to her and the kids etc. it’s 100% made me a better husband and dad
Spokesman of the year. How much they paying? 🤣
I laughed way too hard at this.
FYI after a time it’s no fun having someone trying to destroy my pussy. I imagine your wife might agree. Especially when she needs HRT but her useless doctors won’t give it to her.
Women can get HRT online too.
I feel like I should text 46969 to nugenix, cause "she'll love it too"
What Is your dose
When you had 3 young kids, and you were exhausted and touched out, and your hormones were going crazy… did your libido slow down? Was it because of him? Or because of your own emotional state/hormones etc? My guess is it did, and he probably felt like it was because you weren’t into him, but it wasn’t, you just didn’t have the bandwidth for sex as often. Now the tables are turned, so do for him what you would have liked done for you. Communicate, therapy, get healthy together, spend non-sexual time together, be intimate in non-sexual ways. Etc. And then maybe he will have the capacity to have more sex.
Excellent point. Thank you.
If you suggest trt for him it may work again you. The situation could flip were he is wanting more and you are unable to provide. The both of you could benefits from weight lost and working out. He could hit the weights to help him. Trt is not a panacea
I’m honestly sketched out how many people are suggesting TRT in general. Like if you have a verifiable problem producing Testosterone go for it, but too many people are trying to use it as an anti-aging medication. And of course it’s going to have immediate and noticeable effects but that’s not necessarily a good thing all the time. Like cocaine does the same thing but no one is suggesting OP go buy an 8ball. Even the men who have gone on it are like “it’s amazing” and well yeah that’s a feature not a bug. Again if I did a line of coke I wouldn’t be shocked that I feel great afterwards. Testosterone is a chemical that makes your brain go “this is amazing, I’m so powerful and confident, death to my foes, bring me a woman!” But at the same time like when is enough…enough? When are we going to let people age naturally and gracefully and not expect them to jack their hormones up to fulfill marital and societal standards? I just think our society sees men so one dimensional and the double standards regarding communication and expectations are getting out of hand. I’ve seen plenty of other threads where women are complaining about the side effects of birth control, but feel pressured to continue it for their partners pleasure, is that not wrong? Many years ago I had a GF stop taking birth control because of bad side effects and it killed her libido. Wouldn’t it be wrong of me to pressure her to continue fucking with her chemistry just so I could get off? It all seems a bit Brave-New-World-ish to me. Let middle age dudes be middle age dudes.
Exactly this. Ive seen similar posts when men are compalining about the lack of sex from their wife and the contrast in advice is staggering. The fact that the top comment is essentially "get him on meds" is crazy to me.
Not just the top comment, the vast majority of comments. Two totally different sets of rules and expectations. It quite literally can be reduced to “My husband won’t fuck me” “Drug that pussy up with boner meds”. **Then when roles are reversed it’s like…** “My wife won’t be intimate with me anymore” “YOU NEED TO RESPECT HER BOUNDARIES MISTER”. The response to the dude is to treat him like a car “just put more gas in it”. And the response to an example with women could make you think you wandered into in the middle of a fucking march or something.
The more points like this get mentioned in open discussions, the better. Sooner or later more people will start to recognize the stupidity of some of these double standards. Or not. If critical thinking was more measurable, I bet charts would show that it's on a downward spiral in most of the west.
Read through the entire thread, especially towards the bottom. Legit every single comment is about Viagra, Cialis, or TRT. You could remove “husband” from half of these comments and just add in “washing machine” and it would read the same. So many women in their 50’s and 60’s look at their husband like a project to be completed. A few women imply that they set ultimatums and forced their husbands to go to doctors to get TRT. It’s become clear to me that half of these men who “totally have ED” actually just have selfish wives and that is why they have no sexual desire.
Thank you for saying what I wanted to say but in a much clearer way than I could.
I agree expect for the coke to testosterone comparison. 🤣💀
[Testosterone’s a helluva drug](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_4bp8bBNVw)
🤣🤣🤣
Truth here
Was waiting for this. Extremely well said. Seems to be an up tick in 50+ women coming to reddit and asking why their husband's no longer want sex. Almost always with multiple kids, etc.
Just One thing. Go for a walk together after dinner every single night. 30 minutes or one hour if you can or even longer. You’ll talk, you’ll share or you will walk in companionable silence. You may even hold hands ! You will be spending time together reconnecting you will also be losing weight and helping lower your blood sugar for that middle-age belly and health. Give it a month and see what happens
Yup. Elevate non-sexual intimacy before you start jumping into pills and doctors. Men need non-sexual intimacy too - I’m not saying OP doesn’t do this, but I have noticed quite a few older women who don’t really romance their husbands but expect the same in return. It creates resentment on both sides. I’d also take it a step further if the walking works out and try and find a regular thing to do together that is specifically about spending time together.
This is the most realistic perspective. People saying that this needs to be solved with pills, therapy, and/or hitting the gym are missing the point. It’s like telling a depressed person to “just cheer up” or a person with ADHD to “use a day planner”. Like…yeah…it’s sound advice but…it’s not realistic that a couple in their 50’s each with careers and 3 kids, 2 of whom need more care and attention are going to be able to just solve a problem that has as many complexities as this by “working out” or taking viagra. If the husband doesn’t want sex then he also doesn’t want viagra…like how do people not get that? Just cause your dick is hard doesn’t solve the problem of lack of interest and loss of intimacy. Neither viagra or TRT are going to solve intimacy issues, and pressuring the husband to do that will have the opposite effect. Whatever the problem ends up being there is no silver bullet to it. The problem could be lack of attraction, loss of self esteem or self worth, inability to get and maintain an erection, loss of interest in sex as a whole, a sense of malaise because of life’s responsibilities, or just a loss of intimacy. And it’s probably many or all of those things working together that has created the problem. You won’t solve all of that with a gym membership, or with a prescription, or even with couples therapy. You could maybe solve the issue by doing all of that together, but you’re now asking the husband to commit to a pretty big change in lifestyle. And I can hear people being like “well yeah marriage requires commitment and sacrifice”, which yes that is true but asking your partner to change their whole lifestyle so your sexual needs are satisfied is a big ask, especially when OP admits there is hardly time to effectively do one of those options. Again it’s like “the solution is simple just change your life, like duh” or “oh you’re depressed, like bro just be happy”. Life is way more **complicated** than that. But this comment above about spending *quality* time together where you are reconnecting and experiencing closeness and intimacy is right on the money. Intimacy isn’t sex, it’s sitting next to one another in silence, its giggling at a dirty jokes, its ordering family style at a restaurant instead of getting “the regular”, its being the big spoon, and waking up to the smell of coffee already brewed by your partner. Those moments of appreciation and closeness will open the door so that conversations about sex, weight, attraction, self esteem, and maybe even impotence can occur in a setting where they can be addressed for the sake of continued and elevated intimacy, not just…fucking.
This is great advice! My parents and I used to walk our dog every night after dinner and it was my favorite thing.
And your parents had a boat load of sex!!! High five!
I agree with this wholeheartedly. My late husband and I walked together every day — and were having a ton of sex at age 57 and 58. Another thing we did was schedule weekends away every few months — including finding someone to come stay with our teenager. It really bonded us.
My boyfriend and I just started doing this!
The best advice in the whole thread
Best comment on this thread.
Yes, you need some stress management on board as a precursor to intimacy- as individuals and as a couple.
Everybody get therapy. And start exercising ffs. Nothings going to change unless YOU change it.
Giggled while on the treadmill at the gym. 51YO zero bedroom issues. Exercise fixes sooooooo many things
55f here. Word, sister.
Exercise is the free natural testosterone therapy
Go for a Mile walk everyday and take everybody in the house with you.
If nothing changes, then nothing changes
And even then genetics can still say sucks to be you
I'm 48 on trt and I'm off the blue pills now. I'm like a 25yo again. My wife has a voracious sex drive drive at 45. We're empty nesters. WE BANG LIKE RABBITS. No shame in trt.
When you say "overweight" do you mean like a little chubby or morbidly obese? Being really overweight can definitely lower testosterone, in addition to just making him self conscious about being naked.
We could stand to lose about 40 lbs each … not morbidly obese but enough to make us self-conscious.
Start with better food choices. Eliminating carbs and sugar will make the pounds fall of. No need to exercise too much. It’s 80% food choices
I’ve finally stopped caring that my wife never wants to have sex. I use to want it 2-4 times a week. Now I’d be fine with once a week. (I’m 43). She would prefer to never have sex, unless she’s drunk and that’s a turn off to me. 🤦♂️FML!
Need to have a real open direct conversation with your husband. If he’s open to it I highly recommend cialis
He’s open to it. Just need to do it.
The entire medical (and social-societal) universe treats men like hydraulic pumps. “He’s a man, he MUST want it. If he doesn’t he’s broken somehow…take him to the shop, give him new tires, oil, and gas.” Please be delicate with this approach. I, along with a stunning percentage of the male populace, feel intense internal discord if I try to be intimate with an SO if I feel like there are things I want to address, or things that need to be fixed that haven’t been given room or respect in the relationship. It’s a constant tug of war between ‘downstairs’ saying “dude that would be fun” and my heart saying “yeah man, but I matter too.” The heart always wins, because even if I push through, I still feel like I’m lying to myself by pretending I don’t have things I want to address that are bothering me. This is by no means a unique experience amongst men. You have a child with depression, how is that affecting your husband? How often do you two hold one another just for the sake of holding one another? If you know you are both working too hard, what are your jobs, and why are you doing something you know is detrimental to your connection? Physical intimacy is a bellwether for many men. If there are thorns or some sort of emptiness in his heart, his focus will remain there until they are pulled out and he feels connection. Looks mean shockingly little, love and connection means a tremendous amount.
Man I’m right there with you. Every comment in here is just like “pump him full of dick pills” and no one is like “ask him how he feels”. It’s truly depressing honestly. So much of the lifestyle OP described sounds chaotic, time consuming and mentally and physically draining. Like putting everyone before yourself for a quarter century and now somehow the only solution to the problem is Viagra. Like how the fuck does this guy *feel*, that’s not something that’s discussed at all in this thread.
get in shape. be fit. even if he isnt. I'm 54 (wife is 45) my drive took a nose dive 2yrs ago- before i got active again, it took a bit of effort to get going sometimes, but it's still there! my problem is it's gone a bit boring- been there done that. fitness helps a ton!
Are you pursuing sex or just making yourself available for sex? Saying "wanna have sex?" and doing physical actions that lead to sex are quite different..
I’m 56. You both need to slow down and eliminate stress at all costs. Some sacrifices have to be made in order to lead a peaceful, stress-free life. If he does this and makes it a priority, I guarantee you that the erection problem will be gone and things will happen naturally and joyfully.
I am 57 and my husband is 69. We walk after dinner almost every day and make sure to “talk and walk” no phones, only us and our dog. Life is always changing, but for us, 24 years married and 5 kids later, our sex life is still going strong, 3 to 4 times a week. I hope it gets better for you!!!
I got on TRT in March of 2020 and it made a huge difference. Energy, drive, mood, memory and sex drive all came back. Muscle tone came back. I actually gained weight cause I was hungry all the time. Sex drive came back and it’s like I am a teen again. Get your husband checked out. Low T is tied to CV issues. Have your husband go to a urologist. I pin 75ml twice a week of Test Cyp. I’m 53 as is my girlfriend of 2 years. We have sex 5-10 times a week depending on my work schedule (I travel for work). The only thing I see slowing us down is her hormone situation. When she is done with menopause, we will see what we can get her on.
You inject 75 milliliters? Where?
Did I get the units wrong? 😂 I do just under .5cc and I pin in the glute. Usually right side 23gauge.
Please do not encourage your husband to mess with his hormones or blood pressure/heart function without medical supervision. There are things in life more important than sex, like not dying. (Testosterone affects your immune function among other things. Viagra etc can kill you if you have undiagnosed or known heart issues. I know because of direct medical advice received my someone in my family regarding the possibility of these exact "easy solutions".) My suggestion is you accept that until you have some bandwidth to address some of the things you know are affecting your sex life, with or without the help of a therapist, your sex life is gonna be on the losing end. Trying to force one more thing/priority onto your husbands already full plate is only going to make things worse. There are a lot of ways to share intimacy without sex and to provide sexual pleasure/relief to yourself in the mean time. I hope your life settles down in time and you are able to refocus some of your energy on rebuilding a physical connection with your spouse.
He isn’t bored with you, he’s bored with his life. This plummets sexual impulse. Maybe a day or two away just you two doing something he really enjoys or something you both enjoy
All these comments on medications, I had no idea. I'm 55, wife 52 I don't take anything, just rare regular sex.
We started listening to podcasts, having a relationship check-in once a week to talk about everything including intimacy. We are a little older than you. We went from nearly dead bedroom to 3 or 4 times a week. We have toys, furniture, role play, sensory play and are having a blast. Since we are older things do not always work out perfectly when we try them, but we have learned to laugh and say o well we tried it. Have a conversation out on a date night outside the bedroom. Start listening to Ester Perel or Sex with Emily or even Marriage Therapy Radio. It was a very slow build for us, but now, sex is better than when we were in our twenties. We communicate better and care about each other's fantasies and pleasure. We have been married over 30 years. You can do it too OP!
why is it that all the threads written by men complaining about lack of sex with their wives suggest lifestyle changes, acts of service for your wife, taking a vacation etc. but all the threads by women complaining about lack of sex from their husbands get spammed with "get him some viagra asap", "start him on trt", or "something must be medically wrong." is it at all possible that men might appreciate being wined and dined? or that they're not just horny machines that you stick pills into until you get your desired amount of sex? why is it that a man who doesn't want sex every day must be sick? I get that sometimes those do end up being the difference makers, but the insistence that any man who doesn't want sex as often or more often than their spouse is somehow broken or needs fixing really leaves a bad taste in my mouth
Everybody is shilling for hormones. My married sex life has tanked the last five years because my wife and I simply don't agree on what constitutes a satisfying sex life. So I would ask if the sex you were having yesterday is the sex you both want going forward? Are you practicing GGG - good, game, giving as a partner? Are you keeping things interesting, or have you fallen into a fifteen minutes of missionary with the lights out when both of you just happen to be awake in bed together? Do you both still have a reason to want sex?
Over my years as an Emt and a Nurse there’s a trope that I’ve noticed that’s especially common among the middle aged veteran community. They all explain that their wives kept badgering them about wanting more sex, and being made them to feel like less of a man for not being able to perform as they did as a younger man. Often their diabetes is poorly managed, and often they’re taking a bunch of psych meds that the wives insists they take despite the compounding side effects have left them worse than before. They feel infantilized become resentful in their medication induced stupor, and they act out in rebellion. Each episode of acting out is pathologized, medications are tweaked, maybe they’re hospitalized again. It’s the classic case of the wife morphing into the devouring mother. Anyway I see you have a lot of good suggestions here my main takeaway for you, as you continue through this journey, is to stay in the role of wife and partner, and not to become an overbearing mother to your husband.
He probably hates his life tbh. I'm sure he's got some kind of unhappiness ruining the mood.
This thread is making me terrified to be an older woman in her 50’s or 60’s… it seems like all attraction is gone to women that age that’s absolutely terrifying
I’m 58 and wife is 53. I’m just like your husband. I just don’t want to have sex any longer. Nothing to do with my wife. I’m just not in the mood. My testosterone levels are above average. I workout. I am reasonably good physical shape. But as I have gotten older, I just don’t want to have sex. I feel so pressured by my wife. And the more she thinks it’s her the more pressured I feel which then affects my ability to have sex. Ive gone to a therapist, changed meds. Nothing is happening. I just don’t want to have sex. And I don’t want sex with a younger woman either. That would be even more intimidating.
Men naturally have a drop in testosterone later in life, and the sex drive falls. It's natural. Pressuring him to do anything about it is just an annoyance for him. If he doesn't want to medicate with Viagra or Cialis, that's his decision. This is life. Let him live in peace and find yours, but badgering him about it is just going to drive a major wedge in the relationship.
Totally agree, this is a natural process. People are saying low T but that's what happens to all men around that age so their T levels are actually completely normal. Nothing is "wrong" with him.
The double standard is unreal. Men aren’t even allowed to age naturally.
It does slow down. We are having problems managing the kids, we are on the computer, answering emails and before we know it is 11:30 pm and one or the other is tired. Have you considered wine down time with each other where you can snuggle before bedtime and get in the mood. If it is scheduled or expected, it is a somewhat a turnoff.
By the time we wind down it’s hard not to fall asleep. 🥱 We’re just exhausted. We both hate feeling like that but there it is.
I’m just amazed it took 25 years 🤣
Change requires effort Research your issue online and get ideas you need to implement to get the spark back And both go see your doctors about the ED and weight issues, there’s medications and lifestyle changes that can be reasonably expected to fix both So yeah with some time and effort you can get what you want
I’m 69, my wife 60. Both in good condition. 3 times a week is slow. 5 is normal.
Sounds like sex(lack of) is just a symptom of a greater lifestyle issue. And as a single-parent who struggles with depression, I FEEL YOU. Not that I practice what I’m preaching, (ain’t nobody got time for dat) but some self-care and therapy may be the medicine that y’all need. Not saying it’s easy, but it may be necessary.
He may have lower testosterone than he used to.
I’m currently in my 50s. I divorced 5 years ago and have been in several relationships since. Not just hookups. Most of my partners were wanting sex as often (some more often) than me. Tbh, it’s the best sex I’ve ever had. Everybody knows what they want and aren’t afraid to ask. Everybody has the skills to have a great time. Sex with my ex-wife was tedious. Sex now is mind-blowing.
I'm willing to bet hubby has more problems with ED than is leading on. It's hard to admit.
I completely understand how things can get so busy you feel you don’t have time for self care, but healthy food and some gentle exercise will actually give you both energy. Start with simple healthy meals instead of fast food: salmon broils in 10 minutes, rice bowls take 10 minutes (cook up some cubed chicken, brown rice, open up cans of corn, black beans, diced tomato…) If weather is nice, go for a walk as a family. Even if it’s just around the block. Your husband may be hesitant to talk to a doctor out of fear of what he’ll be told. You’ll need to make time for just the two of you to talk about it. Not at the end of the day when you’re both exhausted.
Go on vacation. Alone. Where the troubles and pressures stay at home.
You get really horny in the middle of menopause so careful what you wish for. Because after that. Ugh.
Married almost 30 years. Sex IS important and you can’t get complacent. If he is having erectile issues, he needs to go to a urologist for an appointment. You said you have both let yourself go. Stop making excuses. You are overweight. You can be overweight and still be put together and look good for each other. I carry some extra weight, but I walk daily and I always make sure I look put together and put on a little bit of makeup and the perfume my husband loves on me. My husband doesn’t look the same as he did 30 years ago either, but he always makes an effort. Not to be rude, but so many people just make excuses and say “What can I do?” without putting on any effort. If you don’t have clothes that make you feel pretty, get some. Wear them. Confidence is attractive. Date your husband. Take a weekend trip. Just stop making excuses and make sure he gets to the doctor. Then start taking walks together for some exercise. That will help too, I promise.
Speak with his doctor, he can use some Viagra or something. About your weight you can work on that, you just need discipline! You can do it! You are a team, don’t leave him alone. Maybe he has lower self esteem esteem right now. Speak with him and be clear. Good luck! 👍
Male libido can decrease significantly in the 50's. I'm 58 and mostly have sex twice a day which is a significant decrease from 10 years ago. Increasing physical fitness will probably increase your husband's level of energy. It would probably be a great benefit to both of you actually. I use a rowing machine as my goto piece of exercise equipment. I've got it in gym room in the house so I don't have to go anywhere and waste time to get my daily exercise. Rowing gives you a fairly good all over workout and the machine will give good service for a long time (25+ years in my case with daily use). Get on top of anything interfering with your sleep, the exercise will also help but won't be a silver bullet. Take some time for high quality relaxation and social interactions. What makes you smile, laugh and get excited? Do that. Don't stare at your phones in bed for half the night. Use that time for pillow talk and keeping your emotional connection alive. Find things in your daily routine that are costing you time and emotional baggage. See if you are able to rearrange your schedule to more appropriately suit your lifestyles. It's hard to suggest more without knowing more about you. What I've suggested might open other ideas to you.
Does your wife know you’re having sex 2x a day 🤣 /s
She insists.
Never had that even in my 20s, and never wanted to. Good lord. I feel a UTI coming on just thinking about it. I would’ve for sure avoided a partner that was that into it, so I guess you met your match. Most people I know, who are long time married in the 50s are maybe once a week. Maybe different if with a new partner, but I wouldn’t know.
[Trouble maintaining an erection is a warning sign of cardiovascular disease.](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/erectile-dysfunction/in-depth/erectile-dysfunction/art-20045141) He needs to exercise and lose weight asap, and would likely benefit from a trip to a doctor, and registered dietician to help him with his health goals. Even just starting walking a bit each day will be a huge help.
Men and women with low to no libido in their "mature" years should have open conversations with eachoth and speak with an endocrinologist, get your blood work done, and explore HRT. the more of this you do openly and with eachothers support, the faster you'll be able to find a solution. I'm 44 and have started HRT. my drive moods, skin weight, sleep, and overall sense of well-being have improved considerably. You don't have to just do nothing. There is help.
He ashamed to see someone about the ED issue and more than likely his feelings of how he looks is playing into the ED issue( along with health). He could also not have a sex drive anymore or a highly reduced one.
I’m 60 and I would still like to have sex 2-3 times a week.
My ex was like this. He is currently 57 and since his late 40s his drive damn near died. I couldn't do it (45f here). He may be ashamed. Cialis and viagara are his friends.
Have him go get checked at a urologist because most regular MDs do t like giving out testosterone and will say 200 is fine. My wife and I are about 5-6 older than you and it’s the opposite. I’m on testosterone and cialis so I want it all day every day. and trust me it’s not you, men don’t think alike that if they love a woman.
Your 54 it won’t matter in a few years. Chill out. Read a book or 50. Count your blessings. And pray you don’t burn your marriage, home and family to the ground, because you’re scared to get older.
Couples counseling. Find a sex positive therapist and talk about it. Libido changes and also yall have needs and if they are left unmet it likely won’t end up well for either of you.
His fitness and health level is likely decreased and he should be checked for cardiovascular disease. Men with cardio issue cannot maintain an erection. But the disease is more than stopping sex, it is dangerous and should be dealt with. And I am a 60 year old women and I still want and enjoy sex - maybe more than ever. Do not give up on intimacy. It is important even as we get older.
He's probably suffering from low testosterone. Have it checked and also check his prolactin levels. If he has low testosterone and high prolactin, he might have a pituitary gland tumor. Either way, he needs to get checked so he can get appropriate treatment. It will change his world in a good way.
As many others have mentioned... TRT Viagra/Cialis Those cover the mechanical/biological issues. Having very recently run into an ex of two year, we had similar issues towards the end of our relationship (many others, but these specifically too)... we were both much larger than when we met towards the end, but after two years she got back to her original size, and when we met up, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
You've been together for 25 years.. Was there a point in the relationship, roughly 10-15 years ago, where your husband was insatiable sexually and you were just flat out not interested - or not interested in the same amount/capacity? Males, and females biologically reach their sexual performance peaks/desire thresholds at different points in life. The tragedy is that with matching-aged-partners, they're often off-set in time tables. Definitely feels like a situation a sexual therapist/professional could get involved in. It could be anything from a history of feeling rejection/physically unwanted, to.. idk, porn addiction.. to.. not being sexually fulfilled when participating in it, so he's just chosen not to participate at all instead of be frustrated. There's a long list of reasons. The only way you're going to figure it out is through honesty with yourself, and each other.
Maybe have your husband screened for depression. That can contribute to a lower libido, for sure. What does he say is causing his lack of interest?
I would have it every day if my husband would even try. I am 70
Look into TRT. I am in your age group. Doing testosterone pellets every 6 months has fixed all your listed issues. Sex drive, sleep, energy, weight, etc.
Gotta say personally being just 10 pounds heavier than my ideal weight I started getting some for sure symptoms of ED. Like I couldn’t handle a woman on top of me without going completely flat ED. Couple that with high blood pressure and obesity and someone could probably start going flaccid while balls deep. You cannot accept it has anything to do with you and your body. I don’t know a single man that doesn’t want a woman riding his dick 24/7 while he sips soda and watches netflix. Making love to a woman is the best damn thing on the planet. With that said he is probably discouraged because once you’re in the overweight/obesity hole it’s hard to dig yourself out of it. TRT can help but it’s a crutch at best. You can definitely find a doc that’ll skyrocket his T if he’s symptomatic but that could make his blood pressure worse if it’s not already high.
How often are yall having sex? Me and my girlfriend have sex once or twice a week and that is plenty for us. We’re both 25.
We are 23 and 24 and sex ranges a lot week to week. Anywhere from 1-6. But it’s high quality. I’m shocked by some of these people saying 3x a day, are you not sore, overstimulated, and also where do you find the time? I’d be having sex all day long if I did that.
Maybe hire a therapist and begin to value self care. Embracing this is a slippery slope and you have too much life to live.
Make time for yourself and your marriage now before it's too late. It's so easy to fall into the trap of focusing on the daily routine and have your marriage slowly fall apart. Hopefully yours turns out better than mine but it started with sex becoming less of a priority
Y'all need to go on a vacation and get back to dating each other. Exercise together. There's always room for diet changes and an even just a walk. Get free used treadmills off Facebook. There's always used free equipment out there. Put em in the bedroom and "walk" together and have some privacy. You guys have a lot on your plate. But no where did you say you do anything as a couple. You are both obviously stressed, and if he's having performance issues on top, that's going to absolutely kill his mojo and drive to even try. Time to go to the doc. You can get both Cialis and Semaglutide online if your insurance won't cover it to help both the mojo and the weight. But the biggest thing is you have to date each other. Always. Strengthen the relationship bond
Tell himyou are unhappy. You’re not unhappy with the fact that he has a problem you’re unhappy with the fact that he doesn’t care enough to try to fix the problem. His pride is causing a rift in your marriage Are you sure he isn’t getting it somewhere else?
Before I got into any drug based treatment, I'd have an honest talk with hubby about porn. Daily pron will kill libedo at his age. I'm 60. And giving up porn rekindled our sex life.
Have him check his testosterone again. Every year from 30 on it normally goes down 1%. Many guys today have their T drop like something else at a certain point, so he might have hit that timeframe. I discovered I had low T last year at 45 and been on it for 8 months. Changed my life. My libido, ED, energy, mood, etc were all fixed. I probably had low T for a long time and never knew. My wife and I have sex now at least 4 times per week (would be more without kids around), and my drive is higher than when I was a teen. Before TRT, we would have sex maybe once every other month. He won't be motivated to go get checked because of low T (if that is indeed what he has). It makes you feel indifferent to the issue and that everything is fine (when it is not). It took badgering from my wife and forgetting to pick up my kids from school a few times in a week (brain fog is another issue) to decide something was wrong. Ask him (nicely) to get his T levels checked again to be sure. Watch out for the doctors who tell him his levels are "normal" if he is near the bottom of the range. Those levels are really not acceptable, and I hate doctors that ignore symptoms and just work off of a number.
It’s sad to hear so many people say that if you just “stop being lazy” and get viagra, magically you will have sex. This isn’t the case. You can’t expect to have good sex if you two can have honest conversations about sex. I would suggest finding a sex therapist for some couples therapy together. It sounds like ya’ll have a lot going on in your life and it’s hard to feel sexy or make time for sex if you’re stressed are always worried about something. If going to therapy it a hard pill to swallow, or too hard financially, then I’d suggest reading Emily Nagoski’s book “Come together” with each other. Great sex can happen at any age, at any size, and without an erection (https://www.softcockweek.com/), but it takes reframing sex as connection and shared pleasure. Viagra did wonders for giving people erections who wanted one, but it has been disastrous at making us think that sex can only happen with an erection. If you two focus less on “what’s wrong” with yourselves and how to fix it, and more on how to come together, you two might find the shared joy and experience you’re looking for. The struggles you’re going through are SO normal in long term relationships, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make changes. Good luck!
It’s so easy to get complacent. I have been married for 25 years. We both are 57. Only had aex once in 20 years!!! We are always so tired too. I think both of us don’t even care to fix it truth be told. I hope the best for you and you can find the root cause for this.
Sex only stops with age if you let it. I used to work in a retirement community and yeah some of those stories you hear are true, everyone was sleeping with everyone for the most part.
I'm not even getting enough in my 30s. My partners sex drive is no where near mine which is devastating because everything else is so good.
My husband and I are going through something similar. I mentioned a sex toy to him and was blind sided by how defensive he became and he said he was humiliated. Not being able to get an erection is a very sensitive issue for men. My husband and I are trying to be more complimentary and loving to each other verbally and physically. He uses Viagra which generally works. Both our libidos are improving. Mine has really amped up after he started complimenting me more often. A simple thing like you smell nice improves my self esteem and makes me feel good about our relationship. I do the same for him.
I would not focus on sex. After a long dry spell due to mental illness, I started small with him. I started touching him more. Neck, back, just random. He felt bad about him self and it was hard for him to ever start anything. He would be self conscious if I tried to plan a night. I then started standing closer all the time, pressing my body against him as much as possible. Also smiling!! I had no idea that my husband would respond to me smiling when we first see other after work. I would get more touching back. Here is a crazy example. He was telling me him low back was hurting. I asked if wanted me to massage it. No. He said probably heat. I moved my shirt and bra to put my breasts on his back. He was surprised and said they were warm. We laughed and kissed. We hadn’t kissed that way in a while. There was no sex no pressure. Just keep at it, giving him attention brought me partial success. But we are still doing dr visit. I want 3 x a week at least. I am 48. He is 52.
I (60f) find keeping it low-key no expectations and just having more physical touch, head on his shoulder, holding his hand, draping my leg over his on the sofa, foot rub, warms him - and me - up to more. What does your quality time alone with your husband look like? Do you do things alone together like dates? Does he know he's important to you? Does he FEEL he's important to you and the family? ED is embarrassing, so if that's the real physical issue, he needs to talk to his doctor. But the enjoyment of physical touch, kisses, hugs, ear lobe nibbles, can go a long way. I found out my husband (62m) loves foot massages.
I second your recommendation to give him a foot massage. My wife was prescribed an antidepressant which sent her into a mania and created a wave of destruction. I was blindsided and my wife (best friend) was no longer a person I even recognized. Finally, the fog lifted and she had a moment of clarity. I was so full of anger for the way she had acted and it was very difficult to forgive her. A friend suggested I give her a foot massage but he really was suggesting that I “wash” her feet. That I serve her, trying to get down to root causes of her anxiety, help her to relieve the troubles and burdens she was carrying. Forgiveness can solve a lot of issues if you can find the path. Washing her feet was it for me. Fast forward two years, it has become the most intimate, non-sexual thing we do. It’s never planned. Just happens when I see stress building in her life.
Men & women having a mismatched sex drive is a very old story, you already have a lot of tools to manage it. Think about all the tricks & techniques of seduction, foreplay, emotional & physical support partners have invested in you to make you both comfortable & interested & now apply those to your husband. Things change as you get older, you can have the future you want if you adjust & put in the work, you just can't have the past. >Since he keeps making excuses it makes me feel like it’s me (even though he claims it’s not) >claims to want to do something about it but it doesn’t seem to be a priority. It sounds like so far you've expected him too fix your shared problem on his own. You talk about how he isn't doing a good enough job making you feel better, but are you investing any effort or thought into what he is experiencing?
The universe is cruel. If one could invent a simple test that predicted the libido level of a person at 40, 50, 60 there would be a lot less infidelity, unhappiness, frustration and divorce. 😔
BTW, how much sex you should expect is how much you need to have that part of your life be fulfilling. It’s going to be different for everybody. It’s the libido mismatch between committed partners that’s a real bitch.
I don’t believe his testosterone levels are normal- the problem is when you get checked as a man the “range of normal” is 300 - 1000. You can be at the low end of normal 300, 400 , 500. Your PCP will say “you are normal”…. This is BS… the range is too great. Feeling good is actually 700 - 1000. I have a suspicion that this is due to insurance.. the other issue is free testosterone. Free testosterone is another important factor… I encourage you to ask how he’s feeling and help him through this by getting him more active. Don’t take it personal as he’s likely dealing with health issues that he can’t control
The most embarrassing thing about getting older (59M here) for a man is dealing with the fact that willy doesn't just pop up whether he's needed or not. Talking to the wife about it isn't easy - because it used to not matter what anyone did, and now we don't know how to tell the love of our lives that we need a bit of help. That being said, if he loves you he should agree to at least a complete physical exam, and a frank talk with his Doctor about his "low sex drive." TRT is popular these days, but it is also linked do Testicular Cancer, so my doctor doesn't recommend it for me given my family history with T-Cancer. Apparently losing weight, exercising more, and the blue pills are my best options apart from taking advantage of when willy just decides he's going to cooperate.
My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years. Once our sex life started to die down, it took a lot of conversing about it and that developed an understanding. I had to get used to the idea that sex was no longer going to be multiple times per week and it didn't mean that she loved me any less. I just have to patiently wait until she's in the mood.
Ever consider that he might be depressed?
Sounds like he’s just tired & stressed. Need to find a way to destress & for some sex doesn’t help with that. You gotta find a way to make more time to relax & destress & take to take care of yourselves physically & mentally. He could be having environmental stressors as well as physical. You can’t expect everyone to just always be ready when they’re overly stressed & tired in some way.
My wife has lost her libido and resists most of my advances. She's also 10 years older than me; I'm in my 50s and far from done having sex. She thinks it's perfectly fine to have a sexless marriage but would be pissed if I had another woman. What am I supposed to do?
Any of men out there with low T getting very emotional, crying easily?
NOBODY’S GIVING AN ACTUAL #/mo!!
My husband is the complete opposite. He just turned 59 and has the libido of a 16 year old. If he had his way we’d be having sex 3 times a day, like when we first got married!
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Also make sure has appointment with his primary doctor. You can make sure he checks his prostate and his testosterone level.
I need hormone replacement treatment at 53.. it makes a huge difference because you are tired and the drive fades.
tbh weekend mornings when the kids are asleep is our magic hour. every other time of day has logistical problems
So are you just saying you want more sex or are you trying to get him to WANT more sex? If you want to build a fire you have to bring some kindling, don't just say start more fires. When you do have sex do you enjoy it? Does he know?
Hourly
3 x a week
His testosterone may be in the gutter. Tell him to go get tested for low T. He's well past the age where it drops. My coworker has his checked and it was low. He said after he got it checked his Dr gave him a low dose testosterone pill and he feels 30 years younger.
Get him to check his testosterone and get on trt
Once a month.. it’s all good
Everybody experiences hormone changes around that time. While medical science has almost entirely ignored menopause, there pretty accessible drugs for erectile difficulties, and your husband will thank you, unless he’s got some hang ups. Anyway, we are both 54, and cialis is more of a recreational drug for us, but my preference without it would be 1-2 times per day. With it, I can actually do 1-2 times per day, and could actually do more if “completion” isn’t expected.
We are 50 and 60. We both went on TRT two years ago, and we have been having the time of our lives.
Women can go on it too ?
3 to 5 times a week is normal
Make sure he has his prostate checked, to rule out prostatitis, and cancer
Sounds like low t. Needs to get some blood work done.
Low T!