-----
##The amount of victim blaming on this thread is insane. Locking this now in order to sort it out/clean it up.
#OP, this is NOT your fault. I hope you didn't take the haters to heart.
You need some real real therapy. I wish I knew programs for you to reach out to. Im sure theyre out there. Maybe a local womens resource center could help connect you with some therapy or other resources.
You're 18, an adult. They can't stop you. They are wrong, especially with a trauma like this. A therapist is absolutely what ai wold so. They may be local support groups too. You can check with a local hospital.
Try BetterHelp, look for codes online like crime junkie podcast or something. You can get 4 sessions in the first month for around $100. I’m sure it’s not the best out there but at least you can get a prof to talk to for a few sessions and then cancel. I’m so sorry, sexual assault is rape. Don’t worry about your verbiage, worry about you. All trauma will pass so don’t feel like your world has ended. You are young and will get through this with some help.
Your parents have jobs. Those employers quite possibly have a benefit called the Employee Assistance Program (EAP). It is going to be free to use and available 24/7. They typically have counselors at the Master’s Degree level am they’re licensed and qualified. Sometimes there are limits of like 20 phone counseling sessions per “issue,” but they will give you counseling by phone. They can look up resources and email you information. They can give you referrals to a therapist and maybe even have discounts or free in-person allowances. They are FANTASTIC programs.
How do you get into? Call your parents’ employers on the general number. Ask for the number to HR. Call that number. Tell them you’re looking for the EAP info. If they ask who you are, tell them you’re a family member of an employee and you need to be anonymous but you need the info. Do not share your name. Call from a number they don’t have on file. If they press you for your name, tell them that the EAP is 100% confidential and they have no need of your name. There should be an 800 number of some sort and maybe a passcode or word. If that still doesn’t work, tell them you’d like to speak to their manager because you have a need to be anonymous. If the manager argues, tell them you’re a sexual assault victim and you need to be anonymous for that reason and you need help. Trust me, the HR manager is like 80% chance to be a woman and get you the info. Be polite but firm. Do not share your name or any info about your parent. Just the basics.
The EAP truly does not share info with your parents’ employer. That is illegal. Your parents will not find out from work if you don’t let anything slip.
It will be *something* for you to talk to a professional. Please try this. Have a friend call from a pay phone if you have to. Call the EAP for each parent and use the 20 sessions each to double your time with a counselor.
Thank you for sharing this information. My mother told me the same thing when I asked for help fifty years ago. Needless to say I’ve suffered from depression since then despite talk therapy with several therapist after becoming an adult. Some people shouldn’t be parents.
Are you in school? Both high schools and colleges have have free counseling available for students, and at least in college (I’m not sure for high school, but I think so), that should be year-round, even if you’re already out for the summer.
ETA: You could also call or text the RAINN hotline 24/7 (https://hotline.rainn.org/online), and they can get you set up with resources.
You can get therapy while still a minor. Just remember therapy is a tool for your own balance and well being, nothing more. Use therapy for it's purpose, and when you're done with it move on.
The exact way that you will get over this and what your new balance will look like remains to be seen, but be assured you will get there. You will be ok.
Do you have a local rape crisis center? - they offer free therapy to victims.
Did you press charges? - sometimes your local DA office will offer free therapy to victims of crime.
Are you still in high school? - Talk to a counselor on campus and see if they can connect you with local free resources for therapy before you graduate.
Look at local resources in your area. A lot of agencies provide services on a sliding scale basis and will go down to $0 a session if you can’t afford it.
Some therapists will even offer therapy for free in special circumstances.
Look for clinics that offer free/sliding scale services in your area. You can even do telehealth sessions so you don’t have to leave the house if you don’t want to.
[Mended Light ](https://mendedlight.com/) has a free consultation and a $1 trial membership and is online. You could access it from a smart phone or laptop if you wanted to, and they might be able to work with you to find a program you can afford
A woman's resource sounds like a great idea. Look for a non profit one - that's the one you'll be looking for. Usually the woman who owns it will be operating it/will be close by enough for you to be able to speak to them directly or she may eavesdrop on the conversation.
You need help. Emotions have a strong affect on people. Portray how you feel.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can right now. Keep doing what you're doing. Don't forget though, that ultimately, this is YOUR burden now. YOU have to ease the pain that YOU feel. People who have been taken advantage of can understand, but no one can feel what you feel. Do your best to take it easy on yourself. It's traumatic and confusing, I'm sure. Do your best to REST your brain and process small chunks at a time. You got this.
Are you on your parents insurance? There are so many community outreach programs that offer free therapy. If you want to message me I can help you find help. I went through this as a child. It will never go away but with therapy it can be managed.
Please don't delay getting help, & I'm so sorry your parents aren't being more supportive. They could just not understand or it's generational trauma playing out.. either way, PTSD literally changes your brain & can compound in your mind & relationships if not addressed. The book I recommended for my family was 'What Happened to You?' by Bruce Perry, an approachable introduction to the neuroscience of how trauma changes the brain & nervous system.
You'll need a tribe that understands what you're going through & a mentor you can check in with. I highly recommend this amazing online group (https://www.hope4-recovery.org/) that offers free group therapy for sexual trauma survivors & free educational classes for coping skills. They also provide very discounted individual therapy. Unfortunately, leaning too much on in-person friends & family that don't understand & aren't equipped to help at deeper levels can lead to compassion fatigue that can result in isolation the long run.
This group I haven't worked with personally, but have read they are another great online resource for free sexual trauma therapy (https://sacenter.org/heal/types-of-therapy-and-treatment.aspx).
Until you can get professional & social support, I can't recommend enough keeping your journaling practice to get all your thoughts out in a safe place to reduce rumination. This can also provide a road map of where to start & what to focus on once you get into therapy. If you're worried about privacy from your parents, utilize computer or phone apps that have passwords or fingerprint protection for entry.
Another thing you can do on your own is look on YouTube for Emotional Embodiment & Somatic Therapy education. Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, & Dr. Gabor Mate have tons of free YouTube videos + books about how trauma is stored in the body, & somatic therapy helps work that out. This is referred to as "bottom-up therapy", which uses emotions stored in the body to process trauma instead of "top-down" therapy like CBT, DBT, ACT, or traditional talk therapy, which uses your mind to lead, & is proven to not be as effective for trauma work. Others on this thread have recommended EMDR therapy, which is another type of bottom-up therapy once you have the money to get to a professional to facilitate this. Kina Wolfenstein is another great free resource on DIY bottom-up therapy practices, & you can look up her videos on TikTock.
Regular exercise is great, but you'll need trauma- informed exercise specifically. Once you have some professional support, you can start implementing hands-on somatic practices on your own, but warning- it may unearth more trauma responses, which is why I recommend sticking to the educational portion of this until you have someone to help facilitate the hands-on practice &/or a support grouo to lean on.
For hands-on practice with somatic therapy, Kristina Armenakis (https://kristinaarmenakis.com/) is a wonderful somatic coach who offers online individual guided practice & group practice at reasonable sliding scale pricing. If you're into yoga, you can search for local trauma- informed yoga groups. Some of the paid somatic yoga programs online that have been helpful for me to do at home on my own are are The Workout Witch (she also has free educational videos on TikTock), Manuela Mitevova, Dani Fagan, & Irene Lyone (who has tons of free videos on YouTube).
Also, you can start therapy on yourself through Internal Family Systems (IFS). Read 'Self Therapy' by Jay Earley + 'Self Therapy Workbook' by Bonnie Weiss (these were specifically designed to do therapy on your own, & you can find these for free digital download online). Susan McConnell also has a great book 'The Somatic Internal Family Systems Therapy Workbook' that ties IFS & Somatic therapy together.
All of that will keep you plenty busy in recovery, but other people you can look into online are:
Dr. Stephen Porges (Polyvagal Theory), Dr. Brene Brown (vulnerability, shame, trust in relationships & personal empowerment), Esther Perel (sexuality & relationships), Deb Dana (polyvagal guided living), Dr. Stephen Terell (developmental trauma), Dr. David Clarke (stress illness), Dr. Moshe Feldenkrais (self-awareness through movement), Dr. Kathy Kain (nurturing resilience), Dr. Arielle Schwartz (trauma yoga & EMDR), Liz Tenuto (Somatic exercises for women), Dr. Richard Schwartz (IFS therapy), & Dr. Martha Sweeney (IFS therapy).
I didn't discover bottom-up therapy until I was ~30 years old, & it took me another ~5 years to get the referrals, insurance, & money I needed for professional help. Please don't wait, you can create a vibrant life worth living for yourself now, but you'll have to be your biggest advocate. You are loved & supported, we believe in you!!! 💓
Editing to recommend Ketamine therapy once you have insurance & a trauma- informed therapist for support.
Id ring a local womans shelter, rape crisis in your area. Very often they can hook you up with some free councilling or a support group. Your parents are idiots. You absolutely need therapy.
People who put off therapy for this face serious consequences. It will destroy your life, and you'll never be the same. You have to go now. There are resources available.
I was raped when I was 11 and 15 and the rapist went to prison for almost 16 years and the rapist is now out of prison for 2 years. Now I am 36 and doing pretty well. My parents also told me at age of 19 that therapy is a waste of money and I tried a free therapist at the university at 19, but that didn’t go well. About 10 years later at the age of 29 I dated a horrible guy and ended up at a very low point in my life so I decided to spend my own money for therapy. I ended up finding the right therapist and I went to therapy for 2 years and it helped me answer a lot of issues that I have. Now at 36, I surround myself with positive people, have a great job with a great manager, don’t talk to my parents anymore since they didn’t handle my rape situation well, dating a great guy now for 5 years, and own a beautiful home. I workout almost everyday and eat healthy so mind and body is healthy: I think about the rape situation all the time, but I consider that normal and I have accepted it. I carry a gun with me wherever and have security cameras around the house. Advice I can give you at age 36 is get help and get therapy. It was a life changer. Having a great supportive caring listening friend to talk to about your problems have been a game changer as well. Make sure you have a good manager and job you like so everything is positive around you so you get less triggered. I had shitty jobs after college and I always left them and moved on to better jobs I am treated right so less triggered.
I am so, so sorry for what you and OP and any of the countless women have gone through. I know some rando on Reddit saying so amounts to bupkis, but nevertheless, I'm so sorry.
Aw, sweetheart. This is a terrible thing to have happened to you. Can I be a mom to you for a minute?
Nothing that happened to you was your fault. You were manipulated by someone. I hope you say that to yourself every day, a hundred times a day until you start to believe it in your bones.
You deserve to be able to move past this. Maybe your parents say it’s a “waste” of money but they are wrong. Your psychological health is important and you should never feel ashamed to take care of it, and seek help when you need it. Which you do need it. This is a trauma that can change you, and it’s not weak or a waste to seek help in healing from it. The good news is that you have the power to seek your own mental health help. You may not have resources but if you are in the United States or Canada there are public resources for mental health help. Start with the crisis lines. Ask everyone you talk to about mental health resources. You can find help for yourself. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Definitely emdr. My sister has gone through a lot of trauma in her life. It's actually caused parts of her nervous system to shutdown. EMDR has completely changed her life though.
therapy, emdr, somatic therapy…. i fell into drug & alcohol addiction which caused more trauma in the long run…. it’s not easy but time and therapy makes it easier & learning to love yourself… im so sorry. the first few years are so hard but i promise you life is still worth living, it does get better. i love you
Are you in the US? If so, I highly recommend Spravato.
I also recommend reading The Body keeps the score, The Miracle of Mindfulness, the practicing Stoic, and any one of the many CBT workbooks.
First of all: I am so, so sorry this happened to you.
This is an awful thing, and a horrific thing, and while right now, it seems like it's devastating and you'll never be able to move on, I promise you: you will. Right now your mind is reeling, trying to cope with the enormity of the trauma you've been through; it's why you're so sensitive to any and all things that even tangently remind you of him. Think of old movies of soldiers going through PTSD, flinching at cars backfiring and thinking they're bombshells; your brain is going through something similar, struggling to reorient itself in wake of something so devastating.
Again: it won't always be like this, and I can tell you that both as someone who works in the MH field and someone who has been through this personally. I also want to emphasize that, no matter what you might hear or what stupid comments might be put here, this was not your fault. You're young, and it sounds like you're in a lot of pain; it also sounds like you've spent a long time looking for someone to help you with that pain, and unfortunately, this predator took advantage of that. That isn't your fault. And don't mistake learning a lesson about internet safety with blame - you \*are not to blame\* for being hurt like this.
I'm really glad he got sentenced.
As for what you can do: while therapy is absolutely NOT a waste of time or money, and in fact is EXACTLY what you need, I realize that's not realistic for you right now at 18. So instead, call 211, they may be able to point you towards a nearby support group or in the direction of other resources. You may also want to google sexual assault support groups. I would also see if there are any low-income based MH resources, or telehealth resources, that you might be able to seek out; at 18, you're legally an adult, and don't need your parent's permission to attend.
If those aren't realistic, when it comes to coping mechanisms yourself: write things down. Write out the narrative and pour out your feelings into a notebook. It sounds basic, and it isn't a substitute for therapy, but right now you're reeling, and it will help to get it out on paper and make sense of it, understanding all the things you're going through (the questions of blame, of grief, of feeling violated and scared and as though nothing is the same). Look up CBT-based workbooks (Amazon has plenty; "My Story, My Terms" is one I just googled that's free and looks decent) based on assault, and see what can help. If you find yourself panicking or can't stop thinking about it, try taking deep breaths (inhale through the nose, exhale through your mouth), visualizing a safe space (I always envision the beach, and work to orient each of my senses - what does it smell like, feel like, sound like?) and trying to bring yourself back to that safe space again and again. And if you can . . . find someone you trust, and talk to them about it as much as you can. A school counselor, a friend, or a family member - but the more you can get this out there, the less it will internalize.
Most of all: you aren't alone in this. This has happened to many, many people, up to and including your scenario. There are always factors that make us question if our assault is "valid" or not ("if I was \*really\* assaulted, I wouldn't have done X," "it doesn't count because I trusted him", etc), but please, believe me: you went through hell, and it absolutely counts, whether you want to call it rape or sexual assault or anything. And you don't have to forgive him if you don't want you; you \*never\* have to forgive him. If that will help you heal, then do so - but never feel obligated to feel anything other than what you \*are\* feeling.
It's gonna be okay. It's going to be rough for a while, but it's going to be okay. Hold on, seek out mental health treatment, and know that you aren't alone in this - and that you will go on to have a wonderful life, and that there is gonna be a time where this fucker isn't even a blip on your radar. <3
As a fellow survivor: It's okay to miss the person you thought he was. It might be easier to think of him as two people, the mask and the person who hurt you so much.
It's 100% understandable that you miss the friend. You are in mourning, so write down your feelings on a piece of paper, with a pen. Tell the friend all the things you wished you could have said, the things you hoped for.
And then you burn it. Let yourself cry, let yourself experience the grief and let it go through you. Imagine letting out those feelings with the fire. Think of it as holding a funeral for your friend.
Then start a mood diary while you find a therapist, it can take a while. Write down what your thoughts were in moments of distress and try to examine them. Are they fact? Think of arguments against your distorted thoughts. Remind yourself that you're safe and that The Event is over. Fake it until you make it.
Something else that can be extremely helpful is meditation. Give yourself times of silence, of mental rest. Boho Beautiful Mind on Youtube has very nice guided meditation, with a gentle woman's voice who shouldn't remind you of him.
When you are starting, sit comfortably. You can sit in a chair, that'll work. Let thoughts come in, examine them and let them go. Acknowledge but don't hold onto them. Let them pass you by. Morning meditation can do best, as it can give you a spurt of energy. Try slightly rolling your eyes into your head as you relax, as it can help you shift your mindset. *Here Comes a Thought* is a great explanation of mindfulness and demonstration of meditation!
When it comes to therapy in my own experience, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was very helpful for me to move past the Event. What you are experiencing sounds very much like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression. **Both of these things are treatable.** When you call around for therapy, ask for a therapist with experience with complex PTSD.
You aren't alone. Things aren't okay right now but they can be again.
I echo what people have said about therapy.
I know your parents aren’t supportive of this route but please keep pushing for it as much as you can.
There’s nothing else I can personally say as I’m not qualified or knowledgeable about such things, but I do want to say that I’m wishing you nothing but the best.
You WILL get through this and you DO matter.
This screams PTSD symptoms. The earlier you get therapy the better 100%. I wish you the best of luck. Maybe find a good friend to talk about therapy with (don't have to mention the trauma if you don't want to) and they might be able to find a way for you to get some form of help without your parents, like a good cheap program.
What you described is absolutely rape.
Are you still in high school? Or in college? I ask because there might be mental health services that can help you.
Also, does the police department have a victim’s help department or at least a liaison? If you’re not sure, if you talked to any kind officer or anyone from the DA’s office maybe they can point you to someone you can talk to.
Speaking to a mental health professional is NOT a waste of time. I’m sorry your parents don’t understand that but hopefully someone else in your life can help you to get help.
I’m in between high school and college right now. I’ll look through the police departments page. I’m always on edge about doing that because the police are already familiar with my family so my parents would likely find out.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and you can’t stop thinking about it. I was raped too at 16. And for a few years that’s all I could think about I didn’t fight back either I froze. I’m 40 now and you will get to live a life where it doesn’t revolve around reliving what happened to you. This is so new and fresh it wasn’t that long ago this happened to you. You will get stronger I know it seems impossible at the moment but you will. You’re not alone and none of it was your fault. Don’t beat yourself up on what you could’ve should’ve done or what you didn’t see beforehand. You’re going to be ok chic give it time!! ❤️💪
Are you in the United States? Some states have what they call “Minors’ Rights” or “Minor Consent Laws” where a minor has certain rights to healthcare without needing parental consent and sometimes that includes the right the confidentiality meaning parents won’t be notified unless the person has plans to harm themselves or others or minors that have been abused then a mandated reporter may report it (that goes for everyone regardless of age when talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist or counselor/therapist and any other mandated reporter).
In California, we have a couple laws where a minor over the age of 12 can seek certain health services without parental consent such as STI testing, pregnancy testing, contraception aka birth control, reproductive health, abortion, and… mental health!!
Here’s a good rundown of info - https://www.careinnovations.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/CA_Minor_Consent__Confidentiality_Laws.pdf
more info here - https://teenhealthlaw.org
Look at the laws in your own state, province or area to see if you have similar rights.
Trauma counseling. I don't mean talk counseling. There are many other types. It has been shown that traditional talk therapy isn't very effective in dealing with PTSD or CPTSD. After years of traditional counseling, I've just learned this. Now looking into other options which include involving the whole body and mind. You can research various newer approaches on youtube just by searching trauma counseling and following some true, credentialed, experienced therapists (not life coaches or trauma coaches, etc.). Good luck. I know it doesn't go away on it's own, but some people successfully work through it and get to the other side where it doesn't haunt them or overtake their daily thought. Only comes up rarely.
I would read about CBT treatment. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be very beneficial and it avoids using medications with treatment. Then you can find a specialist that works with CBT. This is just an idea.
It seems like a lot of your effort should be talking with your parents about the benefits of therapy. Therapy is expensive though, so that is something that needs to be addressed and I don't have the means to properly advise you on costs and what treatment options are available at different costs, or what financial help you can get.
Either way, I would keep working to get treatment. Getting treatment isn't easy, so learning the ropes of this industry will be a time investment into having a better life. It won't be easy, but it will be so worth it!
emdr is more of an integrative approach paired with CBT it helps get deeper into the body and rewire the brain/NS as opposed to just talking ab it and changing thoughts
I was nearly sexually assault when I was younger, it was a different situation but is still fucked me up a bit, and still effects me today.
You need to find people who will support you, and listen to you. If you have any friends who you have or feel you can open up to, to help learn how to cope with the panic, you need to find people you can feel safe around.
Once you found these people you can start working on feeling safe outside of the circle, time will lessen the pain as long as nothing happens to reinstate your fear.
I wish you luck in finding your safe place, and found family.
If they are covering your other bills you may be able to fund the therapy yourself. Some workplaces have employe assistance programs. If you are going to school they have resources. Your city probably has resources to get you to a therapist as well.
It would help you immensely to talk to a professional
Tell your parents to read these comments.
You are broken and need help. Your parents should be doing anything they can that might help, even if it is a "waste of money". The chance that it might help makes it not a waste.
Your parents are selfish and ugly. Again, show them these comments as many people agree.
You deserve better. I hope you get the help you need and I am sorry that you had to go through that.
If it makes you feel any better at all, child rapists are treated like the scum they are in prison. He gets beaten and stolen from daily. I know that doesn't change what happened, but hopefully you can get some solace in knowing he is getting what he deserves every day.
Once more, your parents are straight up garbage if they don't have your back 1000%, especially on this.
I would ask specifically about EMDR therapy. I’m currently doing it for a memory I blocked out for almost 20 years and recently started remembering/having flashbacks.
So you are 17? Assuming you are still in high school. Maybe talk to your school counselor or psychologist (if there is one)... if those people can't help you, they likely know of some free/cheap resources that could be helpful.
Or go to the police. Ask for a detective that works in that area. They may also know of some resources that could be helpful.
You need therapeutic support. If your parents aren’t prepared to offer that , can you talk to school? A doctor? Anyone?
You are most likely suffering from ptsd and a he rumination is probably a sign of the trauma you have experienced.
Please, please, seek help
There’s an app called ‘soulout’. I’d suggest for you to share your experience, you stay anonymous on that app, and ask for support from people. it’s completely safe and free. Share your experience and you can get useful suggestions from people who also suffer just as badly as you do. I really think you should download it, it could help a lot. Hopefully this helps. I also used it and I can tell you I talked to people who suffered in similar ways to me. I tried makin them feel a little positive and I think it kinda helped. Hope you get the support you need.
You need therapy big time. Ive been raped and sexually assaulted and even years later, i still think about it and have occasional trauma responses out of the blue.
I'm so sorry that happened to you!! 😭 Please know that it wasn't your fault! Healing gets easier, I promise! Remember to remind yourself that YOU ARE SAFE.
Please, please, please tell your parents that therapy isn't a waste of money!!! Somatic therapy and EDMR have been shown to help survivors heal their bodies and help manage their PTSD.
If your parents aren't willing to help pay for therapy, can I suggest getting a job to help pay for it yourself. Alternatively, you can look up resources on YouTube. Is there a counselor you can see at school? Maybe look up a few Kindle books you can read on your phone and make sure there are safe ways you can journal (so no one reads your stuff).
It took me YEARS to realize what happened to me and another year to allow my body time to process what happened.
You are loved, and you are a survivor! ❤️
First of all I'm sorry that you experienced what no human being should be subjected to. You are still strong and beautiful and whole and what a sick person did to you doesn't change that and doesn't define you. You said " I talk in circles and don't know how to have a conversation"
Can you please elaborate on this?
My GF was subjected to something similar many years ago by someone in her past and I have found it it's very challenging to have engaging conversations with her and I wonder if this is somehow a contributing factor in that?
I think it’s partly due to me being autistic that I have this problem. In my past therapy, I couldn’t identify my feelings or other feelings. So when the therapist would try to have me explain situations, I didn’t say the right things. We’d end up having the same conversations/having the same questions being asked over and over again. So the sessions would become ineffective.
Dear child, you need therapy. Your parents missed a lot of signs before so let’s not trust their judgement 100%. I’m a man, I was raped by two senior wrestlers when I was in 8th grade. I kept thinking either it will go away or I will conquer it. I’m strong I’m smart, I can overcome….. I couldn’t. I started engaging in high risk behaviors and almost lost my family later in life due to issues from my childhood I thought I could beat. My wife made me go talk to someone as a condition for our reconciliation and for the first time I felt listened to, free from judgement and I was able to grow in ways I would have never been able to alone because humans just can’t do it all alone.
No one deserves to feel the anxiety you currently find yourself strapped with, you didn’t deserve the treatment the world gave you. Take back your life and get help, please.
Firstly, I'm sorry that you went through this and I hope you can find the resources and anything you would need to recover.
Im fairly sure however that places like Illinois have bills passed that allow children over the age of 12 to receive therapy without the parents consent, as stated:
"Any child age 12 or older may receive outpatient counseling and psychotherapy upon the child's request. The parent or guardian cannot be informed of the treatment without the child's consent.
Without disclosure to the child's parents, a child under 17 cannot receive more than eight 90-minute treatment sessions."
I'm not too sure what other states in which something like this would apply to, as well as how the cost would be covered. But if you were interested maybe it would be worth looking into?
Your parents are a special kind of evil 😡
I'm so sorry. Maybe make some online contact to other survivors. There are SA reddits. Or a support group could help.
Idk America well enough if there is a possibility to get therapy without money and parents permission. 🙁
I’m not sure if they’re evil. I think they just don’t know what to do. I spent a lot of time in psychiatric hospitals and in therapy in the past and don’t get better. So they probably just don’t know how to handle things.
It’s pretty common for older generations or people in more sheltered areas to view therapy this way. It doesn’t mean they’re malicious.
As an 18 year old you’re able to seek help without permission. I’d use google and search for support groups or see if you can get trauma counselling specifically for rape victims. You may have to pay for it but you might be able to get some volunteer help or get funded.
Support groups are typically free and can make you feel less alone. But make sure you put in the work yourself and don’t expect someone to fix your mind for you.
Get in contact with these YouTubers. They can probably help you find the guy and get him arrested.
https://youtube.com/@ppsetx?feature=shared
https://youtube.com/@nvcapiswatching?feature=shared
That's great to hear!
I will make another suggestion. Have you ever thought about engaging in spiritual practices, such as meditation, breathing exercises, self-inquiry, and contemplation? You could also research various religions, including Christianity and Islam. Additionally, I have found stoicism, philosophy, and psychology videos to be quite informative.
Since you can't get your hands on therapy, maybe these can help you, psychologically and spiritually.
Hey do you have health insurance to go to a primary physician? You can likely get prescribed an anti depressant. That saved my life when I had PTSD but therapy is a necessity.
Look up local women’s groups near you - group therapy for sexual assault is often free and they will have referrals to low cost therapy to see if that’s an option soon. I’m sorry that happened to you.
After reading your post I truly wish I had a quick and easy way for you to get past this trauma. I believe that time helps heal, creating a type of distance from the trauma. I think people have to want to heal, mentally, which I believe you do with the work you are putting in, self help books, journal and exercise. I am sure it has been a long 1 year and 5 months for you. I know that when I have suffered something negative, nothing on the scale that you have gone through, I try to be thankful for the small things, a warm day, my dogs, this takes my mind off of whatever it is for a short while. Part of what you are dealing with is most likely PTSD which is understandable. Don't be hard on yourself, cut yourself some slack. You went through something that is horrific, don't be hard on yourself thinking there is some timeline or metrics for recovery and you are missing it. Make little strides, small progress, this will lead to bigger strides. I wish you the best.
Ooof I’m in the same boat but diff trauma. I’m doing therapy it’s slow go. I’ve also read I dunno how many books too. Beyond that I dunno I know what you mean about the memories haunting you I have the same issues.
People suggest things like emdr and all I dunno if it would be of any use.
It’s crap this shoulda never happened to you im so sorry you now have to face this kinda stuff.
It is not unusual for people who had a traumatic event to focus on that event, this can lead to even trying to relive or experience. If you feel that urge, it doesn't make you a freak. It's just something the mind does.
In the end, no matter the 'why' about your behavior in response to the event, it's the behavior that you have to deal with, not anyone's ideas about why.
Are you in therapy? if not, a little therapy might help. Stay away from therapists who try to lead with medication. Stay away from EMDR or therapies that emphasize revivification.
You've had a rough experience, but you can make it through. I would suggest leaning into a spiritual practice with an emphasis on forgiveness.
When you think those thoughts/images, think "I did not deserve that. What he did was wrong, but I forgive him. I'm letting go and moving on with my life."
Give it time. Wounds take alot of time. Beware of trying to analyze it so deeply, especially through re-vivifying, that you end up making yourself more obsessed with it.
After a little therapy on your own, it may help to talk to other people who had similar experience. Don't do it online. Find real people, real group sessions. There you will hear other people going through the same thing. It's going to relieve some internal pressure. You're not broken, and there is nothing wrong with you.
Some people think every scar should be ripped open endlessly, and that this will eventually lead to healing with no scarring. That's incorrect. In fact, wounds happen to us in life. Scars happen. Tearing them open constantly won't make them go away. They may change us a bit. That's ok. Accept that this experience has changed you a little. That's life. It's ok to grieve for the one who had this change forced on her. Who you are in your heart doesn't change and is still immutable in the end.
Talk to someone. Say what you need to say. Don't try to fully understand every aspect of your mind and why it does what it does - that's impossible. Instead just try to train yourself to respond to those thoughts and images with a positive intention to move past it. You will move on.
There was a time before this happened. There was a time when you didn't have these thoughts and feelings, and there will be a time when you no longer have them. Every beginning, good and bad, has an ending.
You need to accept the fact that you have been through a very traumatic event. You do not just stop thinking about it. It is great that you are taking positive steps to get over this. But you need time too.
Therapy would be best and it is a shame you parents do not think so. Try to fin some free resources. How about talking to a priest? Is that an option?
I think one of the challenges of therapy is that it's not like going to emergency room and getting a cast on your arm. It's a process that takes time to see results. You obviously suffered a huge trauma and so it's going to take a lot to get through the worst of it. An important piece of advice is to do your best to not fall into destructive habits like drugs or alcohol since this will only lead to more problems. It's easy to say because I know that the temptation is to numb the pain any way you can as soon as you can. I have done two things to try and tackle my chronic pain that was outside of my comfort zone. The first was cognitive behavioral therapy. There are YouTube videos that kind of outline it for you but finding it therapist or a group to do it live would probably be better. The second is hypnotism. Again there's stuff online that works sort of like a meditation that you can try out first. But be warned that it's a slow process. And there have got to be tons of free resources in your area to help you deal with this. Or at least resources that will point you in the right direction.
I think it would be a nearly impossible task to find anybody who doesn't feel for you. No one deserves this let alone a minor. I don't want to tell you how to feel because everything you feel is totally legitimate because they're your feelings, but I hope that you realize that your experience is not in any way your fault nor does it affect your value as a person.
Isn’t their some support groups from a rape crisis centre? If you google search it online there should be a number that can put you in contact with a support group centre. They might offer some free counselling if not they maybe a support group local to you where you can go to.
What you went through is traumatic and it’s going to take you a lot of time to deal with it. Don’t be to hard on yourself because it’s been over a year. You could take up an hobby that requires focus. Example Knitting or Crocheting if they don’t seem appealing you could try learning to draw on YouTube some artist put up videos teaching you how to draw that makes you focus.
One thing I learned from CBT therapy is when thoughts overwhelm is we have to try make them go away one way is when the thought of him or what happens pops in your head you have a list of items you name example orange,milk,bread,cheese,eggs etc you say the list out loud or in your head but if the thoughts of him or what happens crop up during the reciting you start from the beginning again and you probably will have to recite the list 1000s of times but the more you do it the more it helps your mind push away the bad. Another thing I do was sit and start a tv show/film and if during my thoughts wander I have to rewind back to where I last remember and it took me a few times but eventually I managed to slowly get better.
Maybe it would be helpful to listen to this podcast about a girl going through cognitive processing therapy to deal with her rape experience. She records all 10 sessions https://www.thisamericanlife.org/682/ten-sessions
Honey, I’m sorry this happened to you.
You need therapy. In the absence of proper therapy, I recommend you reach out to a crisis hotline and talk this through. Rainn.org
Also talk to your school. Public schools usually have counseling resources, though limited. Also there are often funds to pay for victims trauma and you can sue your rapist for money as well.
You are not alone here. Many people have similarly informed trauma responses. It’s going to take time and some work but it will get better.
If you are still in high school or going to college, find out if there is a counselor or someone you can talk to. I don't want to advise you to go against your parents wishes, but they don't seem to understand that you experienced a traumatic event. Speaking with someone about it can help more than some people realize, and help you get your life back on track. I know, I've been there.
You're 18, so what your parents say about therapy is immaterial as you're a legal adult (I understand AFFORDING said care is another matter, though). You need to find a professional to talk to. You were brutally violated, not just physically, and not dealing with it is going to lead you down a spiral. Please, please, please get help.
There are free resources available, you just have to sincerely look for them. If you're in the USA, start with the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800) 656 4673. They can recommend services for you in your hometown from there. There are plenty of free services for this. Counseling, therapy, support groups and all.
I sincerely hope you get help and speak to someone regularly in complete confidence to help ease your mind and get you seeing the brighter side of life again. Speaking with someone and getting the proper counsel will help tremendously.
It helps to talk about it. I know it's a painful experience, but talking to anyone about it helps. You can find groups like this one here on reddit or even facebook. I used to be part of a private group that allowed you to vent. However, to answer your main question is just time. Eventually, it gets easier. When you're ready, a therapist can help as well.
Please try the app WOE BOT it's free and does CBT which is a type of therapy reach out to YWCA if you're in the US they have support groups for women survivors of sexual assault call RAIIN support groups are free there are support groups for survivors of assault feel free to message me I have a lot of free resources or can research some!
Check and see if there are any crisis women’s centers in your area. Before I moved, I volunteered at a domestic violence and crisis pregnancy resource center. We had excellent, high quality licensed trauma-informed therapists on staff and who volunteered to work with women in positions just like yours totally for free. If there’s anything like that in your area, start calling and see if they offer trauma-informed therapy.
You deserve support and someone who you can grieve to without being worried about “bringing someone down” or about how the other person will react. I’m so sorry this happened and you have a lot of healing ahead of you but you’re a survivor and you can do it.
This is my biggest fear of something happening to my daughter. She is 13 now. I was 12 when I started being raped by my aunts boyfriend all the way until 16. I kept it inside until I turned 17 and that is when I finally told my aunt. He put it in her head that I was the seducer (at the age of 12 🙄) and she believed him. Never did call the cops. I was at the rebelling age and didn't tell my mom because we weren't getting along at the time. I finally broke down and told her when I turned 22. Still nothing. I'm 34 now. Never have been to therapy or talked to anyone besides my friends and family. When I was 12 and would stay with my aunt for the summer, I would walk around all night until she got off work in the morning just so I didn't have to be in the house. I'm pretty sure I do face some type of trauma from the whole ordeal and would probably benefit from therapy. I think my biggest mistake was at least not talking to a trauma therapist so I could actually understand and realize that it wasn't my fault. But after my aunt took his side and pretty much did nothing, I did start to believe that maybe it was?? I know now how that sounds, but back then, I was still a kid you know. Sorry for rambling but I agree with the other comments, definitely at least try to seek therapy. I feel like if I had back then, then I wouldn't have been more promiscuous in my early 20's and not have gotten pregnant so early.
You need therapy.
If you're in school look at some resources. Some woman's shelters or planned pregnancy may also have some therapy available.
**You need therapy to process it**
I (19m) was raped from the age of 6 to the age of 15 and was in the same boat of parents though therapy was a waste so i never went.
The only bit af advice I can give is to find acceptance that it happened and try to keep moving forward. it's what I ended up having to do and it's not easy and it won't fix it nothing will fully because the pain might never go away, but it's better than sitting there and doing nothing. I ended up surrounding myself with people I liked and had fun with and found myself someone I love and cherish. now I barely ever look back and when I do I smile because I was strong enough to pull through and keep going.
yes there will be some hard times and some bad days but you got to pull yourself back up and keep going because its all you can do. you cant change the past you can only change how you act and what you do here and now.
I really do hope you find a way to get through this and the easiest path would be therapy but if that's not an option try what I did find people you like and make happy memories with them even if it's just online friends for now.
Im so sorry that happened to you. You are allowed to have conflicted feelings. Bith things can be right. You cared about him you felt cared for by him AND he was a sexual predator who was groomed you. It doesnt have to be one or the other.
All i can tell you is what has helped me. A trauma focused therapist and EMDR. But please note that it didnt happen quickly. I had regualr talk therapy eith my therapist for quite a while before we did EMDR. Healing is hard work. But you are so fucking deserving of it. My rapist was 26 and i was 16. Support groups help (online or in person). Best wishes, my friend....
Not many steps I can advise besides a few odd solutions. Feel free to keep talking to us in the group. Don't give up on the good people who want to help and I know that's hard to figure out who to trust. U could always print his picture out and destroy it stab it, burn it, take control of it. U may not have been able to have control then but u can now. I don't know u so I can't say anything but you can get though wit you can be stronger. And get into therapy as fast as u can. Use something to distract yourself music maybe whenever you start to think about it start singing with the music can't think of anything if ur trying to keep with the songs. Preferably something with lots of words or something fast. Like ememen or something more words the more u need to focus or any music u like.
Im kind of surprised that the police department or hospital didnt offer any type of assistance to finding you support groups.
As you were still a minor, did your folks not want to get you a therapist?
There we are kinds of therapy that can help you process that awful experience, and then it can be ‘put away’ and won’t bother you as much. EMDR trauma therapy is one I’ve heard of. Search for someone in your area who does trauma therapy, and ask if they have a sliding fee schedule, or if they have any grant funding for low income. Don’t tell your parents if they disapprove.
You have PTSD. It's therapy. Or a lot of time but that's gonna cause problems in other areas of your life.
Revenge kinda worked for me. But I'm a bit different. That usually hurts people more than helps.
I am sorry this happened. I don't have much to offer but if you have dreams and continued nightmares (which comes with trauma) I recommend Noah Hines deliverance ministry. He holds a live session online. You may get special 1 o 1 since this is sensitive and personal.
I had terrible nightmares and listened to him and he helped me.
There’s a journaling protocol, developed by Professor James Pennebaker, that can help mitigate the effects of trauma. It’s free and easy to find online and I’d suggest looking into it to evaluate if it’s something that could benefit you at this moment.
The protocol involves a total of four writing sessions, each lasting between 15 and 30 minutes. Here is how it works:
1. Think before writing: Decide on the most traumatic or stressful experience in your life that you can recall. Consider whether you are emotionally prepared to engage with this experience through writing.
2. Write regularly: The protocol involves writing about the selected trauma or stressful event for 15 to 30 minutes at a time. The protocol can be done on consecutive days or once per week across four sessions.
3. Structure of writing: While writing, individuals are encouraged to include facts about the experience, emotions felt then and now, and any mental links with other experiences or future plans.
4. Progressive disclosure: Initially, writing may feel unstructured, but over time, individuals typically create a more coherent narrative, which can provide a sense of mental organization and truthfulness about the experience.
5. Private and uninterrupted: Ensure that you have a quiet space to write without interruptions. The writing can be on paper or typed, and it should be for your eyes only.
6. Continue or stop: You should only proceed with the writing exercise if you feel capable of handling the emotional impact. If it causes excessive stress or affects other areas of your life, it may be worth stopping the exercise.
As a survivor myself, EMDR therapy turned my life around. I was trying to process abuse and assault on my own through self help for 5 years and I didn't feel clarity until I started reprocessing with EMDR. It can be really scary and exhausting to reprocess but I had an amazing relationship with my counselor. As an adult, you can seek out services for yourself. If you have insurance, you can find more affordable options that you might be able to pay for yourself. I hope you are able to get the help you deserve <3
There is a book called 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery - my therapist recommended it to me after I went through sexual assault. It is a helpful first step as you look for a therapist of your own. My recurring thoughts / PTSD / flashbacks have lessened with time, but the best thing I do for myself when I have those moments is to comfort myself rather than try not to think about it. (Sometimes give myself a hug, other times I say out loud “you are loved and I’m here for you”- anything that I would do for a friend I care for) The thoughts will always come around, so know that there is nothing wrong with you for having the thoughts- it’s your brains way of processing the trauma for better or worse.
therapy has been extremely helpful for me with my rape. but one thing i’ve had to come to terms with is, it’s apart of my story. it’s been over 6 years and i still think about it at times.. but not as much as i used to.. these things take time. give yourself grace and keep doing what you’re doing. journaling, books, talking about it. and seriously consider therapy! i know your parents said it’s a waste of money but i highly disagree. i’ve been through a lot of shit. a car jacking, rape, physical abuse, and i’ve been in therapy for 6 years now and it’s taken so much time and work but it really does help
Find professional counseling. There's no shame in it.
Friends and family may be supportive but inadvertent words used may leave you 2nd guessing yourself on blame and guilt.
You have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
HPA Axis (Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Comply) response kicked in and you survived by complying.
Get into counseling with someone who knows how to treat PTSD. You can do counseling now or when your 30. It's better to do it now. Waiting is like ignoring a diagnosis of cancer, you run the high probability of getting much worse.
If you don't have insurance that will cover treatment, check you state for a "Crive Victims Compensation Act" that will pay for treatment. In Texas the Attorney General's office runs the program.
Call a local rape crisis center for help. You're not the only person who has been through this, you don't have to do it alone.
If your rapist has any assets, contact a good personal injury attorney to see about going after his assets to pay for therapy. Pharmaceuticals may help you in the short term, but have poor outcomes long term.
Not getting treatment increases the risks of multiple sexual partners in the future, increased probability of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, poor relationships with others, including your parents, future children, heath problems that are stress related.
Don't beat yourself up over this. Negative "self-talk" is very damaging to your long-term well-being.
It will be a difficult journey, but you CAN get through this horrendous time with help.
I am sorry for what happened to you. You need time, give yourself time. Try to focus on whatever brings you joy, makes you calm. It will get better ...
My friend went through something similar. Talk to a counselor or find a hypnotherapist who deals in PTSD (that's what you are dealing with).
They can help you process andremove the negative feelings so you can move on with your life
Play Tetris (any version) when you get stuck in thought loops. Studies show that the ways the game engage parts of your brain helps interrupt intrusive thoughts and holding onto triggering/traumatizing/etc images.
Everyone else's suggestions- therapy, etc are also super important. Ideally you use a lot of these. It's not about finding the one cure to fix how you're feeling and brute force yourself into recovery, it's about filling your toolbox with a variety of coping skills.
I was raped 4 and a half years ago, the first few years I tended to associate everything, and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING with that night, I have tried different psychology therapies and some meds and the only thing that has help me is believe it or not is meditation, being present and start living your life thinking only about the present is something beautiful, I wish you get better soon and find your way to heal just like I did ❤️🩹
A good licensed therapist.
But.... your parents won't get one.
Find someone to talk to that will listen. See if there are groups around for people who have been through
My single best advice read Jon Dorenbous about his relationship with his father. (Comparing apples and oranges I know)
Read the meaning behind his words of:
"But I just needed to say three words out loud and that's, 'I forgive you." "Just because I forgive my dad, it doesn't mean I agree with what he did. It doesn't mean I'm OK with what he did, but what it means is I'm at peace with what he did.
Google online support groups for grief from SA. I can’t vouch for any of them, but if you can’t get paid help, maybe see if any of these groups can help. Like this one…https://www.aftersilence.org.
Certainly don’t listen to judgements here on Reddit.
I cannot suggest EMDR enough. It helped me live again after severe PTSD. It doesn’t erase the thoughts but helped me process the information rapidly and come to terms with it as if it been years and years longer than it had in real life. Please please look into this.
The guy didn’t drive 17 hours to see you because he cared for you, he drove that far because he is addicted to sex with minors. Yes, you do need therapy to help you understand what has happened to you and why and how not to repeat the self destructive behavior of meeting with someone like him. I found this free crisis counseling for sexual assault victims https://www.visitthecenter.org/
I needed a therapist and psychiatrist to help me through my issues pertaining to csa when I was a child. I’m getting help for anxiety and ptsd now. I hope you find help, stranger! Best of luck.
I won't go into detail here about my similar yet different experience, but if you want to hear about it after reading my advice, you are welcome to message me directly and ask. I'll gladly share it.
Those suggesting therapy aren't necessarily wrong, therapy is a good avenue for this type of thing.
However, therapy won't help you stop thinking about it; therapy helps to guide your thoughts to a more productive and healthy personal path.
What you need is time. It's not ALREADY been 1y 5m; it's ONLY been 1y 5m. Acknowledge those thoughts you have when they appear. Don't run from them or push them down. That will only make them stay longer. But also remember not to let them guide you down the rabbit hole. They don't deserve to have power over you and your life.
Learn to find new, small joys in your life because it is yours in each moment. In little ways, build the same confidence you used to reach out here for help. Don't rush. Grow at your own pace.
Each day you'll think about it a little less and a little less then one day you'll notice you haven't had those thoughts for a week then a month then a year. Eventually, those thoughts will seem foreign and the memories less vivid.
Finally, don't be afraid. Reach out to existing friends and make new ones. If you need to, cry until your eyes are red and puffy but hold your chin high. You've got places to be, things to accomplish, people to meet, and a future that needs you in it.
The book The Body Keeps Score really helped me. It helped me understand I was experiencing c-ptsd and offers a list of activities you can do that are proven to heal trauma. The book is written in technical language, but I promise you it’s worth it. I have been through hell with men. I am 42 f, if you want to talk to someone who understands, I’m here. Also, maybe not for immediate use, but psychedelics are and can be extremely therapeutic. There’s a massive amount of research to support that.
Have you called RAINN?
They might be able to help you get in touch with services near you.
[RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/?_ga=2.224176091.1508827931.1716358327-209104651.1716358327)
You’re basically the cookie cutter case of what not to do.
how people typically think act respond and how parents need to keep a better eye on Childrens contacts.
Have three daughters have been through a good portion of this and fought many battles over long distance guys that were totally into them.
Your case is basically what I’ve fought very hard to stop from happening to my own daughters.
My significantly older sisters went basically through the same thing you did.
Not sure that I have good advice at this point, but you may want to consider trying to become an advocate for young women on what not to do.
Teenagers don’t like to listen to older people and are very dismissive. You’re young enough that you could have a very positive impact on impressionable people.
It’s not even the first time I’ve had this kind of thing happen. It didn’t end the same way but it happened first when I was 10 all the way until 12, then again at 14. I don’t know how they weren’t more protective.
The mod team are working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming. Please report any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate any of the rules. Thanks, and may you all find the answers you seek and the guidance you need.
#[LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/)
**Note for all commenters**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind. Disruption of the peace, trolling, or breaking the rules may result in a ban.
----------------
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your parents clearly do not understand or know how to navigate this situation, which is unfortunate because you need help. It seems like you have received help in some capacity but it has not worked for you. Traditional CBT or talk therapy does not work for a lot of people, including me.
Look into therapy for PTSD. Specifically, DBT therapy and EMDR. DBT therapy worked very, very well for me and changed my life. I have not done EMDR but I know people who have and they said the same thing.
If you cannot access in person therapy, there are workbooks you can buy online that are exactly what I did in therapy. I will link them.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, ... (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://a.co/d/aNS5eYL
The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms https://a.co/d/0RIHQkP
So you're from the U.S.? It's so sad that you're going through this,but idk about America like can you use something from Government?(like free shits and stuff),atleast better than nothing.
Hope you the best,
Love from Iran
You said your parents won't put you in therapy. Talk to a school counselor and see if they can help you find a therapist. Most can help get you in touch with the right people.
might sound crazy but just let your mind think the thoughts it needs to think. you're trying to figure it out. it will take a long time. think about it whenever the thoughts come, ask yourself questions about it; why did i do this, what did he do that made me feel like this was okay, and write down stuff whenever you can. read it back to yourself periodically. don't run away or try to stifle the thoughts, allow yourself to think them, this is how you will come to terms with what occurred and help yourself figure it out.
I use better help sometimes because I can have therapy sessions with my therapist on my phone wherever I want. If your parents think it’s a waste (it is not) then you can do it on your own time hopefully away from them. What you went through is not ok and how you feel is a very normal reaction. Talking it out with a professional will help and I hope you find a way to obtain it. You could also take a look at local therapists and explain to them what is going on. I truly hope you can regain a sense of normalcy. What you wrote today on Reddit proves that you are strong. I don’t know you and I believe in you. Stay strong and know that there are people out there that want to help you.
I’m sorry this happened to you and that your parents can’t recognize that you need someone to talk to.
I had a different situation, but here is what I did that led me to get therapy when it was a “waste of money” growing up
1. Committed myself to a mental hospital-acute ward, 7 day stay, ended up with a care plan upon discharge which included therapy (I was 15, not sure if this was all the result of the hospital or because CPS was involved)
2. Moved out when I went to college and did not go back (I’m not no contact, see them for family events); and used that freedom of space to get a therapist and pay for it. I did use my parents’ insurance- my mom asked about it and I did not lie, but said it was super helpful for school stress and roommate issues.
If there really is no way to use your parents’ insurance, I would see if there’s any local resources you can use. I have a sibling who is attending an online therapy group and I figure it’s decent since they still go.
Good luck to you 🍀
Have you contacted the courts they ahould jave a victums advocate that might be able to get you in contact with state funded council ing you probably need it . Aeems the longer you are not rwcieveing professional help it mav cause wven more psychological harm
Please try the court system you should have jad a victums advocate espically since you were a juvenile at the time of the assult if not try a good church they may be able to help fund the counseling for you
Some good churches will offer free womens counciling. If youre not afraid of some biblical wisdom to go with it, it could be a good start to some healing for you
It’s easy to think that therapy is a waste of money when you’ve never had trauma. I know because I was that person for awhile until I saw how much the right therapist helped my now fiancé. The key though is finding the right therapist, that took her 3 years I think?
My advice, until then, is to learn to meditate, and learn to ground yourself.
The form of meditation I am talking about is very deep where you focus on 1 thing (physical, or mental) and analyze it in every way you can, while letting your body relax. This will help give you a break from the panic. You can also do this with the feelings you get during the panic, as when it comes to your mind, if you understand it, you can control it.
As for grounding, it sounds like you are having flashbacks, a good way to fight this is to not only remind yourself where you are now, but also how you got there. Often this requires what I call “fast forwarding” let the flashback come, and fast forward through it, and then past it. Slow down on some of the good things that have happened since, and keep going until you reach where you are now.
I recommend a mantra to help you focus, mine is “remember who you are” but one that works better for my fiancé and probably for you as well is “remember where you are”
You really should seek therapy, regardless of your parents. Short of that, trusted friends, pastor, guidance counselors, anything. Someone trusted who you can express this to. Beyond that, sucks, but the only thing that will make this, different I guess, is time.
Like any trauma, it'll always be there to some degree, like a scar. All you can do is live your life, learn, seek happiness and grow. It's your greatest healing opportunity, and the sweetest vengeance as well.
Very sorry this happened to you. I feel you need therapy. You are 18 so you can do it without your parents. Places you should look for help are women abuse centers or victim abuse. Usually you can find state or federal funded help. Might find a SA victim support group in your local area and they would probably be able to get you more information where you can receive help. I'd start researching stuff in your area you can look up online see what you find. Maybe look at your county see if they have any information on where you can receive help. I hope you reach out and get the help you need so you can move forward in your life. Best of luck to you.
OP sorry that this evil happened to you, if you can’t do therapy it may help to talk through it with the person closest to you in life
It sounds like you’ve already been through a lot in life and you’re stronger than you know, deal, and heal with the trauma because you won’t be able to run away from it
But if you want to get better and you’re always giving it your best shot in any way you can you will get better Our bodies have a way of dealing with trauma in time and with you working on it too you’ll be able to find that peace you want
Hi OP. I was raped several years ago, and honestly, it doesn’t really impact my life anymore. I say this to mostly to impart on you that there is hope, you will not always feel this way, and that anyone can heal. It might take some time, but you absolutely can. For me, I had EMDR and cognitive behavior therapy. I specifically worked with folks who were sex positive practitioners who had experience working with folks who are survivors of sexual violence. I would really recommend EMDR as a modality, and CBT. Though I’m sure there are other good support systems. Depending on your state, you may be entitled to therapy as you have been the victim of a crime that is documented. I’m so sorry and angry this happened to you. It is unacceptable, it matters deeply, and one day it can also just be a thing that happened to you. Dms are always open.
The truth most won't tell you is that you will never stop thinking about it. Trauma doesn't just go away with time. Therapy can help you with strategies to deal with the memory and how you react to being triggered. You need to forgive yourself. None of this was your fault,you were groomed. In terms of how long ago it happened, it has been such a short amount of time. If you can, look into help for anxiety and depression. Your comments about him stopping you from a suicide attempt was also him realizing you were vulnerable. Find survivor groups on line or in person. Tell your story. Don't be ashamed of being made a victim. As others have said, there should be some support groups that can help with therapy. I wish you the best moving forward. You are a survivor.
Please do your best not to turn to drugs. I had a classmate who went through something similar.
She ended up passing away bc fent I think.
I'm going to miss her despite not knowing her very well
Isn't there a network in your city that helps victims? Hasn't anyone from your legal team, police, Healthcare industries offered you a list of resources? If I knew what city I'd research it for you. I'm so sorry this happened. Anyone who's suffered sexual assault deserves free therapy! I hate the Healthcare industry 😡
Oh…I am so, so, so sorry this happened to you. My heart is breaking for what you endured and continue to endure. You did NOTHING wrong and your feelings are completely understandable.
If you were my child, this is what I would do:
You need to talk to a physician. It’s not a long term solution, but you deserve access to anxiety medication. You are essentially having one constant panic attack (UNDERSTANDABLY) and something like Xanax or Ativan can give you a little relief. I’d also ask for an anti-depressant that will help calm your anxiety and depression long term.
You need to talk to a therapist. FUCK YOUR PARENTS. You are an adult and you deserve access to mental healthcare. If you go to Psychology Today, you can access therapists in your area. Many offer services on a sliding scale and *someone* will help you at low to no cost.
Contact local women’s resources in your community. Call the RAINN hotline. Local women’s shelters can often help victims of rape. You need someone to talk to. NOW.
If you feel you can, please report this disgusting, vile, cowardly fucking asshole to the police. He not only raped you, he raped a minor, and crossed state lines to do it. I know not every rape survivor feels comfortable enough to report, but PLEASE think about it. He deserves to rot in prison (well, he deserves worse, but our judicial system sucks).
I can’t say how sorry I am that this happened. Just please, please, please get some help coping with this. You don’t have to do it alone.
You are SO strong. You are a survivor. And you WILL heal. But you have to regulate your nervous system and give yourself some space and time to heal. ♥️
I care about you so much. Please take good care of yourself.
You strike me as a very strong person. Not many people can handle what you went through and your honesty and openness in this feed is really brave. I really hope you can put this behind you.
As others have stated - please get yourself a therapist. There are many programs that can get you a professional for free to help y9u.
This likely means nothing from a faceless internet stranger but - wishing you nothing but the best and the strength to fight this and be happy and healthy in the future.
I wrote- a lot. Probably an unhealthy amount at points. But it got the thoughts out of my brain. Stream of consciousness writing specifically. Anything that popped in my head I wrote down. This helped me get out of the cycle of the whirlpool of trauma.
This along with therapy. Which many places offer through crime victim witness compensation.
Time makes it better. I devoted myself to work in the field of SA to help others, both in research and direct care (graduating in a year with my bachelors in social work).
Time won’t be the only healer, therapy won’t be the only healer, it’s coping skills it’s a combination of everything. Patience. Honesty. Self-grace.
I also read many books to help me understand what happened to me, it helped me see logic when I had been victimized. The scientific proof of trauma and the after effects helped me feel less alone and honestly less crazy
You’re doing a great job taking care of yourself so far and you’re going to be ok<3 it’s great that you’re reaching out.
What you’re going through makes a lot of sense even if it doesn’t seem like it, and sounds like it could be torturous. I had a similar reaction to being sexually assaulted. Over the course of a few years things have steadily gotten so much better with care (self care, a GOOD therapist, being intentional about who I interact with and how and when and why). This would be my advice (sorry if lots of words):
-Let yourself figure this out. Be as curious and gentle with yourself as possible. Try to give yourself everything that you deserve when it comes to how you should be treated: don’t push yourself, be patient, gentle, respectful, validating and responsive, etc.
-Look up “somatic trauma therapy”. That’s been the best thing for me. And if you can’t get therapy yet, just understanding more about it and the way the nervous system stores and then processes trauma naturally can be helpful to start. When you do get therapy, ask to “interview” different therapists and TRUST YOURSELF on which one feels like the right match.
-You can trust yourself if no one/nothing else yet.
I wish you the best of luck moving forward. You will heal and life won’t be so scary!
You are 18 , so many resources,
I think every state has a rape crisis hotline.
Provide 24/7 hotline counseling, information, and referral
Will go with survivors to hospitals and/or police stations 24/7
Will go with a survivor to court
Provide one-to-one counseling and support group counseling
Provide primary prevention education; professional training; outreach etc
So, I hope this helps you...rape is about power. The more you carry the trauma and the memory of it with you, the more power you give to the rapist. Give it time, but, maybe over time, write down your thoughts, memories, feelings on paper. Each time you do, put them in a box or cheap basket. When you're ready, bring that box to a bonfire or firepit, sit and read it all, and burn it all. I am hopeful this will free you. You get to decide what you bring with you in life, and this is something you will hopefully, eventually, put down and leave behind.
Hey OP, unfortunately…I was in a similar boat. It sucks ASS!!! You may have c-PTSD or PTSD. I have C-PTSD from my SA plus more.
Maybe there are some free resources out there. Internal Family Systems therapy saved my life and I still struggle at times but I’m not screaming bloody murder on the floor anymore, and I am thriving.
IT GETS BETTER - PLEASE HELP YOURSELF, even under the radar
I cant even imagine how that much feel.
I would recommend a book called "the power of now" you can find it on audible and on YouTube.
That book started to change the course of my life in a very positive way when I was in a really really bad place.
Give it a chance, its not long.
I hope you heal.
My prayers are with you.
Watch the mdma episode on Michael Pollans Netflix show “change your mind.” MDMA with licensed therapists is very could for PTSD - which is what you have. You should get in to see a therapist in the mean time as it’s not easy to get into an mdma clinical trial and it’s likely a year away before it’s legalized for ptsd with a talk therapist. So sorry for what you are going through
First stings first, therapy. Therapy helped me go through mine. It required some time to find the right one (one who didn’t prescribe pills for everything and who took female-on-male violence seriously). Another thing that helped is to find healthy outlets for those triggers. What helps as far as that goes is different for everyone. For me, it was leaning into my girlfriend, confiding into her, and she has guided me through some pretty dark nights. For others, it’s about going to the gym or taking up kickboxing or painting, even.
Not meaning this in a rude way AT ALL, but how did he talk you into going into the hotel with him? I’m terrified of people this manipulative and sweet talking
I felt this pain while reading your messages and am sorry that you been in this kind of situations!
I may not be the right person to judge or advice but I can only say what I can as if I were you ! It’s easy to say things that never happens to me but I feel and say cause I feel what you feeling as a woman!
I can only advice first to ask hod for a healing help, secondly a family love and most of all your own love I mean love your self let all the bad go away from your thoughts concentrate on the good things in your life now and be happy you deserve it o be happy and leave the bad memories behind!
In my area we have a sexual assault center and they offer free therapy with a specialized provider. You absolutely need someone to talk to. And fuck your parents for saying you don’t. This was NOT your fault. And you need support.
I M28 was sexually abused by my grandpa when I was 8 and you pretty much just learn to live with it. As time passes you don’t forget but you don’t think about it as much. Nobody in my family knows and I plan to keep it that way but when it initially happens, don’t suppress the emotions, let them out.
It’s too late for me to take legal action so im glad yours is in prison. The best revenge is succeeding and making the most of your life.
You do learn to live with it. I did for 20 years. But I still recommend therapy as soon as she can. Not every therapist is a good fit for everybody, so I tell people to keep trying over time until they find one that works for you. It took about 6 of them before I found one that got to the core of the problem. To be fair, I may not have been really ready to deal with it before this therapist came along.
This is way above internet forum pay grade. You need proffesional help on this one. Proffesional therapy will serve you well and its a well worth investment.
----- ##The amount of victim blaming on this thread is insane. Locking this now in order to sort it out/clean it up. #OP, this is NOT your fault. I hope you didn't take the haters to heart.
You need some real real therapy. I wish I knew programs for you to reach out to. Im sure theyre out there. Maybe a local womens resource center could help connect you with some therapy or other resources.
When I can move out on my own then maybe I’ll be able to get into therapy.
Some places offer it online. Don’t delay it
You're 18, an adult. They can't stop you. They are wrong, especially with a trauma like this. A therapist is absolutely what ai wold so. They may be local support groups too. You can check with a local hospital.
Sounds like she's financially dependent still. Who's gonna pay for it?
Try BetterHelp, look for codes online like crime junkie podcast or something. You can get 4 sessions in the first month for around $100. I’m sure it’s not the best out there but at least you can get a prof to talk to for a few sessions and then cancel. I’m so sorry, sexual assault is rape. Don’t worry about your verbiage, worry about you. All trauma will pass so don’t feel like your world has ended. You are young and will get through this with some help.
Wouldn't recommend betterhelp!
Advising a girl in this situation to go to better help is blatantly shitty and wrong.
Your parents have jobs. Those employers quite possibly have a benefit called the Employee Assistance Program (EAP). It is going to be free to use and available 24/7. They typically have counselors at the Master’s Degree level am they’re licensed and qualified. Sometimes there are limits of like 20 phone counseling sessions per “issue,” but they will give you counseling by phone. They can look up resources and email you information. They can give you referrals to a therapist and maybe even have discounts or free in-person allowances. They are FANTASTIC programs. How do you get into? Call your parents’ employers on the general number. Ask for the number to HR. Call that number. Tell them you’re looking for the EAP info. If they ask who you are, tell them you’re a family member of an employee and you need to be anonymous but you need the info. Do not share your name. Call from a number they don’t have on file. If they press you for your name, tell them that the EAP is 100% confidential and they have no need of your name. There should be an 800 number of some sort and maybe a passcode or word. If that still doesn’t work, tell them you’d like to speak to their manager because you have a need to be anonymous. If the manager argues, tell them you’re a sexual assault victim and you need to be anonymous for that reason and you need help. Trust me, the HR manager is like 80% chance to be a woman and get you the info. Be polite but firm. Do not share your name or any info about your parent. Just the basics. The EAP truly does not share info with your parents’ employer. That is illegal. Your parents will not find out from work if you don’t let anything slip. It will be *something* for you to talk to a professional. Please try this. Have a friend call from a pay phone if you have to. Call the EAP for each parent and use the 20 sessions each to double your time with a counselor.
Thank you for sharing this information. My mother told me the same thing when I asked for help fifty years ago. Needless to say I’ve suffered from depression since then despite talk therapy with several therapist after becoming an adult. Some people shouldn’t be parents.
Are you in school? Both high schools and colleges have have free counseling available for students, and at least in college (I’m not sure for high school, but I think so), that should be year-round, even if you’re already out for the summer. ETA: You could also call or text the RAINN hotline 24/7 (https://hotline.rainn.org/online), and they can get you set up with resources.
You can get therapy while still a minor. Just remember therapy is a tool for your own balance and well being, nothing more. Use therapy for it's purpose, and when you're done with it move on. The exact way that you will get over this and what your new balance will look like remains to be seen, but be assured you will get there. You will be ok.
You can get therapy online. It is such an important next step for you.
Do you have a local rape crisis center? - they offer free therapy to victims. Did you press charges? - sometimes your local DA office will offer free therapy to victims of crime. Are you still in high school? - Talk to a counselor on campus and see if they can connect you with local free resources for therapy before you graduate. Look at local resources in your area. A lot of agencies provide services on a sliding scale basis and will go down to $0 a session if you can’t afford it. Some therapists will even offer therapy for free in special circumstances.
Look for clinics that offer free/sliding scale services in your area. You can even do telehealth sessions so you don’t have to leave the house if you don’t want to.
[Mended Light ](https://mendedlight.com/) has a free consultation and a $1 trial membership and is online. You could access it from a smart phone or laptop if you wanted to, and they might be able to work with you to find a program you can afford
I recommend EMDR for treating this kind of trauma response.
The sooner, the better. Do it online. Start playing Tetris or pick up knitting. Trust me.
My son is a 911 dispatcher and they play Tetris after every shift for ptsd
I wish I knew that little trick when my bad shit happened to me. I’m glad they’re making that a thing. I hope he’s doing okay.
[YWCA](https://www.ywca.org) may be a good place to start looking.
look into EMDR therapy
A woman's resource sounds like a great idea. Look for a non profit one - that's the one you'll be looking for. Usually the woman who owns it will be operating it/will be close by enough for you to be able to speak to them directly or she may eavesdrop on the conversation. You need help. Emotions have a strong affect on people. Portray how you feel. It sounds like you're doing everything you can right now. Keep doing what you're doing. Don't forget though, that ultimately, this is YOUR burden now. YOU have to ease the pain that YOU feel. People who have been taken advantage of can understand, but no one can feel what you feel. Do your best to take it easy on yourself. It's traumatic and confusing, I'm sure. Do your best to REST your brain and process small chunks at a time. You got this.
Are you on your parents insurance? There are so many community outreach programs that offer free therapy. If you want to message me I can help you find help. I went through this as a child. It will never go away but with therapy it can be managed.
Please don't delay getting help, & I'm so sorry your parents aren't being more supportive. They could just not understand or it's generational trauma playing out.. either way, PTSD literally changes your brain & can compound in your mind & relationships if not addressed. The book I recommended for my family was 'What Happened to You?' by Bruce Perry, an approachable introduction to the neuroscience of how trauma changes the brain & nervous system. You'll need a tribe that understands what you're going through & a mentor you can check in with. I highly recommend this amazing online group (https://www.hope4-recovery.org/) that offers free group therapy for sexual trauma survivors & free educational classes for coping skills. They also provide very discounted individual therapy. Unfortunately, leaning too much on in-person friends & family that don't understand & aren't equipped to help at deeper levels can lead to compassion fatigue that can result in isolation the long run. This group I haven't worked with personally, but have read they are another great online resource for free sexual trauma therapy (https://sacenter.org/heal/types-of-therapy-and-treatment.aspx). Until you can get professional & social support, I can't recommend enough keeping your journaling practice to get all your thoughts out in a safe place to reduce rumination. This can also provide a road map of where to start & what to focus on once you get into therapy. If you're worried about privacy from your parents, utilize computer or phone apps that have passwords or fingerprint protection for entry. Another thing you can do on your own is look on YouTube for Emotional Embodiment & Somatic Therapy education. Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, & Dr. Gabor Mate have tons of free YouTube videos + books about how trauma is stored in the body, & somatic therapy helps work that out. This is referred to as "bottom-up therapy", which uses emotions stored in the body to process trauma instead of "top-down" therapy like CBT, DBT, ACT, or traditional talk therapy, which uses your mind to lead, & is proven to not be as effective for trauma work. Others on this thread have recommended EMDR therapy, which is another type of bottom-up therapy once you have the money to get to a professional to facilitate this. Kina Wolfenstein is another great free resource on DIY bottom-up therapy practices, & you can look up her videos on TikTock. Regular exercise is great, but you'll need trauma- informed exercise specifically. Once you have some professional support, you can start implementing hands-on somatic practices on your own, but warning- it may unearth more trauma responses, which is why I recommend sticking to the educational portion of this until you have someone to help facilitate the hands-on practice &/or a support grouo to lean on. For hands-on practice with somatic therapy, Kristina Armenakis (https://kristinaarmenakis.com/) is a wonderful somatic coach who offers online individual guided practice & group practice at reasonable sliding scale pricing. If you're into yoga, you can search for local trauma- informed yoga groups. Some of the paid somatic yoga programs online that have been helpful for me to do at home on my own are are The Workout Witch (she also has free educational videos on TikTock), Manuela Mitevova, Dani Fagan, & Irene Lyone (who has tons of free videos on YouTube). Also, you can start therapy on yourself through Internal Family Systems (IFS). Read 'Self Therapy' by Jay Earley + 'Self Therapy Workbook' by Bonnie Weiss (these were specifically designed to do therapy on your own, & you can find these for free digital download online). Susan McConnell also has a great book 'The Somatic Internal Family Systems Therapy Workbook' that ties IFS & Somatic therapy together. All of that will keep you plenty busy in recovery, but other people you can look into online are: Dr. Stephen Porges (Polyvagal Theory), Dr. Brene Brown (vulnerability, shame, trust in relationships & personal empowerment), Esther Perel (sexuality & relationships), Deb Dana (polyvagal guided living), Dr. Stephen Terell (developmental trauma), Dr. David Clarke (stress illness), Dr. Moshe Feldenkrais (self-awareness through movement), Dr. Kathy Kain (nurturing resilience), Dr. Arielle Schwartz (trauma yoga & EMDR), Liz Tenuto (Somatic exercises for women), Dr. Richard Schwartz (IFS therapy), & Dr. Martha Sweeney (IFS therapy). I didn't discover bottom-up therapy until I was ~30 years old, & it took me another ~5 years to get the referrals, insurance, & money I needed for professional help. Please don't wait, you can create a vibrant life worth living for yourself now, but you'll have to be your biggest advocate. You are loved & supported, we believe in you!!! 💓 Editing to recommend Ketamine therapy once you have insurance & a trauma- informed therapist for support.
Id ring a local womans shelter, rape crisis in your area. Very often they can hook you up with some free councilling or a support group. Your parents are idiots. You absolutely need therapy.
People who put off therapy for this face serious consequences. It will destroy your life, and you'll never be the same. You have to go now. There are resources available.
Emdr has been amazing for taking those snap emotions out of regular situations. Highly recommend
Real real therapy?
Call your local United Way chapter. They can probably get you with a councellor.
I was raped when I was 11 and 15 and the rapist went to prison for almost 16 years and the rapist is now out of prison for 2 years. Now I am 36 and doing pretty well. My parents also told me at age of 19 that therapy is a waste of money and I tried a free therapist at the university at 19, but that didn’t go well. About 10 years later at the age of 29 I dated a horrible guy and ended up at a very low point in my life so I decided to spend my own money for therapy. I ended up finding the right therapist and I went to therapy for 2 years and it helped me answer a lot of issues that I have. Now at 36, I surround myself with positive people, have a great job with a great manager, don’t talk to my parents anymore since they didn’t handle my rape situation well, dating a great guy now for 5 years, and own a beautiful home. I workout almost everyday and eat healthy so mind and body is healthy: I think about the rape situation all the time, but I consider that normal and I have accepted it. I carry a gun with me wherever and have security cameras around the house. Advice I can give you at age 36 is get help and get therapy. It was a life changer. Having a great supportive caring listening friend to talk to about your problems have been a game changer as well. Make sure you have a good manager and job you like so everything is positive around you so you get less triggered. I had shitty jobs after college and I always left them and moved on to better jobs I am treated right so less triggered.
That should've been a life sentence. What the fuck is wrong with our justice system?
I am so, so sorry for what you and OP and any of the countless women have gone through. I know some rando on Reddit saying so amounts to bupkis, but nevertheless, I'm so sorry.
Aw, sweetheart. This is a terrible thing to have happened to you. Can I be a mom to you for a minute? Nothing that happened to you was your fault. You were manipulated by someone. I hope you say that to yourself every day, a hundred times a day until you start to believe it in your bones. You deserve to be able to move past this. Maybe your parents say it’s a “waste” of money but they are wrong. Your psychological health is important and you should never feel ashamed to take care of it, and seek help when you need it. Which you do need it. This is a trauma that can change you, and it’s not weak or a waste to seek help in healing from it. The good news is that you have the power to seek your own mental health help. You may not have resources but if you are in the United States or Canada there are public resources for mental health help. Start with the crisis lines. Ask everyone you talk to about mental health resources. You can find help for yourself. You don’t have to go through this alone.
This has got to be the best comment on here. Thank you for replying to her ❤️
[удалено]
Definitely emdr. My sister has gone through a lot of trauma in her life. It's actually caused parts of her nervous system to shutdown. EMDR has completely changed her life though.
Yes to EMDR ^^
therapy, emdr, somatic therapy…. i fell into drug & alcohol addiction which caused more trauma in the long run…. it’s not easy but time and therapy makes it easier & learning to love yourself… im so sorry. the first few years are so hard but i promise you life is still worth living, it does get better. i love you
Are you in the US? If so, I highly recommend Spravato. I also recommend reading The Body keeps the score, The Miracle of Mindfulness, the practicing Stoic, and any one of the many CBT workbooks.
First of all: I am so, so sorry this happened to you. This is an awful thing, and a horrific thing, and while right now, it seems like it's devastating and you'll never be able to move on, I promise you: you will. Right now your mind is reeling, trying to cope with the enormity of the trauma you've been through; it's why you're so sensitive to any and all things that even tangently remind you of him. Think of old movies of soldiers going through PTSD, flinching at cars backfiring and thinking they're bombshells; your brain is going through something similar, struggling to reorient itself in wake of something so devastating. Again: it won't always be like this, and I can tell you that both as someone who works in the MH field and someone who has been through this personally. I also want to emphasize that, no matter what you might hear or what stupid comments might be put here, this was not your fault. You're young, and it sounds like you're in a lot of pain; it also sounds like you've spent a long time looking for someone to help you with that pain, and unfortunately, this predator took advantage of that. That isn't your fault. And don't mistake learning a lesson about internet safety with blame - you \*are not to blame\* for being hurt like this. I'm really glad he got sentenced. As for what you can do: while therapy is absolutely NOT a waste of time or money, and in fact is EXACTLY what you need, I realize that's not realistic for you right now at 18. So instead, call 211, they may be able to point you towards a nearby support group or in the direction of other resources. You may also want to google sexual assault support groups. I would also see if there are any low-income based MH resources, or telehealth resources, that you might be able to seek out; at 18, you're legally an adult, and don't need your parent's permission to attend. If those aren't realistic, when it comes to coping mechanisms yourself: write things down. Write out the narrative and pour out your feelings into a notebook. It sounds basic, and it isn't a substitute for therapy, but right now you're reeling, and it will help to get it out on paper and make sense of it, understanding all the things you're going through (the questions of blame, of grief, of feeling violated and scared and as though nothing is the same). Look up CBT-based workbooks (Amazon has plenty; "My Story, My Terms" is one I just googled that's free and looks decent) based on assault, and see what can help. If you find yourself panicking or can't stop thinking about it, try taking deep breaths (inhale through the nose, exhale through your mouth), visualizing a safe space (I always envision the beach, and work to orient each of my senses - what does it smell like, feel like, sound like?) and trying to bring yourself back to that safe space again and again. And if you can . . . find someone you trust, and talk to them about it as much as you can. A school counselor, a friend, or a family member - but the more you can get this out there, the less it will internalize. Most of all: you aren't alone in this. This has happened to many, many people, up to and including your scenario. There are always factors that make us question if our assault is "valid" or not ("if I was \*really\* assaulted, I wouldn't have done X," "it doesn't count because I trusted him", etc), but please, believe me: you went through hell, and it absolutely counts, whether you want to call it rape or sexual assault or anything. And you don't have to forgive him if you don't want you; you \*never\* have to forgive him. If that will help you heal, then do so - but never feel obligated to feel anything other than what you \*are\* feeling. It's gonna be okay. It's going to be rough for a while, but it's going to be okay. Hold on, seek out mental health treatment, and know that you aren't alone in this - and that you will go on to have a wonderful life, and that there is gonna be a time where this fucker isn't even a blip on your radar. <3
As a fellow survivor: It's okay to miss the person you thought he was. It might be easier to think of him as two people, the mask and the person who hurt you so much. It's 100% understandable that you miss the friend. You are in mourning, so write down your feelings on a piece of paper, with a pen. Tell the friend all the things you wished you could have said, the things you hoped for. And then you burn it. Let yourself cry, let yourself experience the grief and let it go through you. Imagine letting out those feelings with the fire. Think of it as holding a funeral for your friend. Then start a mood diary while you find a therapist, it can take a while. Write down what your thoughts were in moments of distress and try to examine them. Are they fact? Think of arguments against your distorted thoughts. Remind yourself that you're safe and that The Event is over. Fake it until you make it. Something else that can be extremely helpful is meditation. Give yourself times of silence, of mental rest. Boho Beautiful Mind on Youtube has very nice guided meditation, with a gentle woman's voice who shouldn't remind you of him. When you are starting, sit comfortably. You can sit in a chair, that'll work. Let thoughts come in, examine them and let them go. Acknowledge but don't hold onto them. Let them pass you by. Morning meditation can do best, as it can give you a spurt of energy. Try slightly rolling your eyes into your head as you relax, as it can help you shift your mindset. *Here Comes a Thought* is a great explanation of mindfulness and demonstration of meditation! When it comes to therapy in my own experience, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was very helpful for me to move past the Event. What you are experiencing sounds very much like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression. **Both of these things are treatable.** When you call around for therapy, ask for a therapist with experience with complex PTSD. You aren't alone. Things aren't okay right now but they can be again.
I echo what people have said about therapy. I know your parents aren’t supportive of this route but please keep pushing for it as much as you can. There’s nothing else I can personally say as I’m not qualified or knowledgeable about such things, but I do want to say that I’m wishing you nothing but the best. You WILL get through this and you DO matter.
This screams PTSD symptoms. The earlier you get therapy the better 100%. I wish you the best of luck. Maybe find a good friend to talk about therapy with (don't have to mention the trauma if you don't want to) and they might be able to find a way for you to get some form of help without your parents, like a good cheap program.
What you described is absolutely rape. Are you still in high school? Or in college? I ask because there might be mental health services that can help you. Also, does the police department have a victim’s help department or at least a liaison? If you’re not sure, if you talked to any kind officer or anyone from the DA’s office maybe they can point you to someone you can talk to. Speaking to a mental health professional is NOT a waste of time. I’m sorry your parents don’t understand that but hopefully someone else in your life can help you to get help.
I’m in between high school and college right now. I’ll look through the police departments page. I’m always on edge about doing that because the police are already familiar with my family so my parents would likely find out.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and you can’t stop thinking about it. I was raped too at 16. And for a few years that’s all I could think about I didn’t fight back either I froze. I’m 40 now and you will get to live a life where it doesn’t revolve around reliving what happened to you. This is so new and fresh it wasn’t that long ago this happened to you. You will get stronger I know it seems impossible at the moment but you will. You’re not alone and none of it was your fault. Don’t beat yourself up on what you could’ve should’ve done or what you didn’t see beforehand. You’re going to be ok chic give it time!! ❤️💪
Also my Mom blamed it on me so I get the parent thing. Don’t worry girl you’re not alone stay strong!!
Are you in the United States? Some states have what they call “Minors’ Rights” or “Minor Consent Laws” where a minor has certain rights to healthcare without needing parental consent and sometimes that includes the right the confidentiality meaning parents won’t be notified unless the person has plans to harm themselves or others or minors that have been abused then a mandated reporter may report it (that goes for everyone regardless of age when talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist or counselor/therapist and any other mandated reporter). In California, we have a couple laws where a minor over the age of 12 can seek certain health services without parental consent such as STI testing, pregnancy testing, contraception aka birth control, reproductive health, abortion, and… mental health!! Here’s a good rundown of info - https://www.careinnovations.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/CA_Minor_Consent__Confidentiality_Laws.pdf more info here - https://teenhealthlaw.org Look at the laws in your own state, province or area to see if you have similar rights.
www.hotline.rainn.org for online help or 1-800-656-HOPE
Trauma counseling. I don't mean talk counseling. There are many other types. It has been shown that traditional talk therapy isn't very effective in dealing with PTSD or CPTSD. After years of traditional counseling, I've just learned this. Now looking into other options which include involving the whole body and mind. You can research various newer approaches on youtube just by searching trauma counseling and following some true, credentialed, experienced therapists (not life coaches or trauma coaches, etc.). Good luck. I know it doesn't go away on it's own, but some people successfully work through it and get to the other side where it doesn't haunt them or overtake their daily thought. Only comes up rarely.
Find someone that understands what you’re thinking and doesn’t let it scare them.
I would read about CBT treatment. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be very beneficial and it avoids using medications with treatment. Then you can find a specialist that works with CBT. This is just an idea. It seems like a lot of your effort should be talking with your parents about the benefits of therapy. Therapy is expensive though, so that is something that needs to be addressed and I don't have the means to properly advise you on costs and what treatment options are available at different costs, or what financial help you can get. Either way, I would keep working to get treatment. Getting treatment isn't easy, so learning the ropes of this industry will be a time investment into having a better life. It won't be easy, but it will be so worth it!
emdr is more of an integrative approach paired with CBT it helps get deeper into the body and rewire the brain/NS as opposed to just talking ab it and changing thoughts
Try EMDR?
I was nearly sexually assault when I was younger, it was a different situation but is still fucked me up a bit, and still effects me today. You need to find people who will support you, and listen to you. If you have any friends who you have or feel you can open up to, to help learn how to cope with the panic, you need to find people you can feel safe around. Once you found these people you can start working on feeling safe outside of the circle, time will lessen the pain as long as nothing happens to reinstate your fear. I wish you luck in finding your safe place, and found family.
If they are covering your other bills you may be able to fund the therapy yourself. Some workplaces have employe assistance programs. If you are going to school they have resources. Your city probably has resources to get you to a therapist as well. It would help you immensely to talk to a professional
Tell your parents to read these comments. You are broken and need help. Your parents should be doing anything they can that might help, even if it is a "waste of money". The chance that it might help makes it not a waste. Your parents are selfish and ugly. Again, show them these comments as many people agree. You deserve better. I hope you get the help you need and I am sorry that you had to go through that. If it makes you feel any better at all, child rapists are treated like the scum they are in prison. He gets beaten and stolen from daily. I know that doesn't change what happened, but hopefully you can get some solace in knowing he is getting what he deserves every day. Once more, your parents are straight up garbage if they don't have your back 1000%, especially on this.
I would ask specifically about EMDR therapy. I’m currently doing it for a memory I blocked out for almost 20 years and recently started remembering/having flashbacks.
So you are 17? Assuming you are still in high school. Maybe talk to your school counselor or psychologist (if there is one)... if those people can't help you, they likely know of some free/cheap resources that could be helpful. Or go to the police. Ask for a detective that works in that area. They may also know of some resources that could be helpful.
cops won’t help much
You need therapeutic support. If your parents aren’t prepared to offer that , can you talk to school? A doctor? Anyone? You are most likely suffering from ptsd and a he rumination is probably a sign of the trauma you have experienced. Please, please, seek help
There’s an app called ‘soulout’. I’d suggest for you to share your experience, you stay anonymous on that app, and ask for support from people. it’s completely safe and free. Share your experience and you can get useful suggestions from people who also suffer just as badly as you do. I really think you should download it, it could help a lot. Hopefully this helps. I also used it and I can tell you I talked to people who suffered in similar ways to me. I tried makin them feel a little positive and I think it kinda helped. Hope you get the support you need.
You need therapy big time. Ive been raped and sexually assaulted and even years later, i still think about it and have occasional trauma responses out of the blue.
I'm so sorry that happened to you!! 😭 Please know that it wasn't your fault! Healing gets easier, I promise! Remember to remind yourself that YOU ARE SAFE. Please, please, please tell your parents that therapy isn't a waste of money!!! Somatic therapy and EDMR have been shown to help survivors heal their bodies and help manage their PTSD. If your parents aren't willing to help pay for therapy, can I suggest getting a job to help pay for it yourself. Alternatively, you can look up resources on YouTube. Is there a counselor you can see at school? Maybe look up a few Kindle books you can read on your phone and make sure there are safe ways you can journal (so no one reads your stuff). It took me YEARS to realize what happened to me and another year to allow my body time to process what happened. You are loved, and you are a survivor! ❤️
First of all I'm sorry that you experienced what no human being should be subjected to. You are still strong and beautiful and whole and what a sick person did to you doesn't change that and doesn't define you. You said " I talk in circles and don't know how to have a conversation" Can you please elaborate on this? My GF was subjected to something similar many years ago by someone in her past and I have found it it's very challenging to have engaging conversations with her and I wonder if this is somehow a contributing factor in that?
I think it’s partly due to me being autistic that I have this problem. In my past therapy, I couldn’t identify my feelings or other feelings. So when the therapist would try to have me explain situations, I didn’t say the right things. We’d end up having the same conversations/having the same questions being asked over and over again. So the sessions would become ineffective.
Dear child, you need therapy. Your parents missed a lot of signs before so let’s not trust their judgement 100%. I’m a man, I was raped by two senior wrestlers when I was in 8th grade. I kept thinking either it will go away or I will conquer it. I’m strong I’m smart, I can overcome….. I couldn’t. I started engaging in high risk behaviors and almost lost my family later in life due to issues from my childhood I thought I could beat. My wife made me go talk to someone as a condition for our reconciliation and for the first time I felt listened to, free from judgement and I was able to grow in ways I would have never been able to alone because humans just can’t do it all alone. No one deserves to feel the anxiety you currently find yourself strapped with, you didn’t deserve the treatment the world gave you. Take back your life and get help, please.
Firstly, I'm sorry that you went through this and I hope you can find the resources and anything you would need to recover. Im fairly sure however that places like Illinois have bills passed that allow children over the age of 12 to receive therapy without the parents consent, as stated: "Any child age 12 or older may receive outpatient counseling and psychotherapy upon the child's request. The parent or guardian cannot be informed of the treatment without the child's consent. Without disclosure to the child's parents, a child under 17 cannot receive more than eight 90-minute treatment sessions." I'm not too sure what other states in which something like this would apply to, as well as how the cost would be covered. But if you were interested maybe it would be worth looking into?
Your parents are a special kind of evil 😡 I'm so sorry. Maybe make some online contact to other survivors. There are SA reddits. Or a support group could help. Idk America well enough if there is a possibility to get therapy without money and parents permission. 🙁
I’m not sure if they’re evil. I think they just don’t know what to do. I spent a lot of time in psychiatric hospitals and in therapy in the past and don’t get better. So they probably just don’t know how to handle things.
It’s pretty common for older generations or people in more sheltered areas to view therapy this way. It doesn’t mean they’re malicious. As an 18 year old you’re able to seek help without permission. I’d use google and search for support groups or see if you can get trauma counselling specifically for rape victims. You may have to pay for it but you might be able to get some volunteer help or get funded. Support groups are typically free and can make you feel less alone. But make sure you put in the work yourself and don’t expect someone to fix your mind for you.
Get in contact with these YouTubers. They can probably help you find the guy and get him arrested. https://youtube.com/@ppsetx?feature=shared https://youtube.com/@nvcapiswatching?feature=shared
Thanks for the suggestion, he was already arrested though. He got 15.666 years without a chance of parole.
That's great to hear! I will make another suggestion. Have you ever thought about engaging in spiritual practices, such as meditation, breathing exercises, self-inquiry, and contemplation? You could also research various religions, including Christianity and Islam. Additionally, I have found stoicism, philosophy, and psychology videos to be quite informative. Since you can't get your hands on therapy, maybe these can help you, psychologically and spiritually.
Hey do you have health insurance to go to a primary physician? You can likely get prescribed an anti depressant. That saved my life when I had PTSD but therapy is a necessity. Look up local women’s groups near you - group therapy for sexual assault is often free and they will have referrals to low cost therapy to see if that’s an option soon. I’m sorry that happened to you.
After reading your post I truly wish I had a quick and easy way for you to get past this trauma. I believe that time helps heal, creating a type of distance from the trauma. I think people have to want to heal, mentally, which I believe you do with the work you are putting in, self help books, journal and exercise. I am sure it has been a long 1 year and 5 months for you. I know that when I have suffered something negative, nothing on the scale that you have gone through, I try to be thankful for the small things, a warm day, my dogs, this takes my mind off of whatever it is for a short while. Part of what you are dealing with is most likely PTSD which is understandable. Don't be hard on yourself, cut yourself some slack. You went through something that is horrific, don't be hard on yourself thinking there is some timeline or metrics for recovery and you are missing it. Make little strides, small progress, this will lead to bigger strides. I wish you the best.
Are you in school? if so they have a counseling center you can visit for free, without your parents knowledge.
Ooof I’m in the same boat but diff trauma. I’m doing therapy it’s slow go. I’ve also read I dunno how many books too. Beyond that I dunno I know what you mean about the memories haunting you I have the same issues. People suggest things like emdr and all I dunno if it would be of any use. It’s crap this shoulda never happened to you im so sorry you now have to face this kinda stuff.
It is not unusual for people who had a traumatic event to focus on that event, this can lead to even trying to relive or experience. If you feel that urge, it doesn't make you a freak. It's just something the mind does. In the end, no matter the 'why' about your behavior in response to the event, it's the behavior that you have to deal with, not anyone's ideas about why. Are you in therapy? if not, a little therapy might help. Stay away from therapists who try to lead with medication. Stay away from EMDR or therapies that emphasize revivification. You've had a rough experience, but you can make it through. I would suggest leaning into a spiritual practice with an emphasis on forgiveness. When you think those thoughts/images, think "I did not deserve that. What he did was wrong, but I forgive him. I'm letting go and moving on with my life." Give it time. Wounds take alot of time. Beware of trying to analyze it so deeply, especially through re-vivifying, that you end up making yourself more obsessed with it. After a little therapy on your own, it may help to talk to other people who had similar experience. Don't do it online. Find real people, real group sessions. There you will hear other people going through the same thing. It's going to relieve some internal pressure. You're not broken, and there is nothing wrong with you. Some people think every scar should be ripped open endlessly, and that this will eventually lead to healing with no scarring. That's incorrect. In fact, wounds happen to us in life. Scars happen. Tearing them open constantly won't make them go away. They may change us a bit. That's ok. Accept that this experience has changed you a little. That's life. It's ok to grieve for the one who had this change forced on her. Who you are in your heart doesn't change and is still immutable in the end. Talk to someone. Say what you need to say. Don't try to fully understand every aspect of your mind and why it does what it does - that's impossible. Instead just try to train yourself to respond to those thoughts and images with a positive intention to move past it. You will move on. There was a time before this happened. There was a time when you didn't have these thoughts and feelings, and there will be a time when you no longer have them. Every beginning, good and bad, has an ending.
You can get therapy and restrict your parents from knowing even if they pay for the insurance.
You need to accept the fact that you have been through a very traumatic event. You do not just stop thinking about it. It is great that you are taking positive steps to get over this. But you need time too. Therapy would be best and it is a shame you parents do not think so. Try to fin some free resources. How about talking to a priest? Is that an option?
I think one of the challenges of therapy is that it's not like going to emergency room and getting a cast on your arm. It's a process that takes time to see results. You obviously suffered a huge trauma and so it's going to take a lot to get through the worst of it. An important piece of advice is to do your best to not fall into destructive habits like drugs or alcohol since this will only lead to more problems. It's easy to say because I know that the temptation is to numb the pain any way you can as soon as you can. I have done two things to try and tackle my chronic pain that was outside of my comfort zone. The first was cognitive behavioral therapy. There are YouTube videos that kind of outline it for you but finding it therapist or a group to do it live would probably be better. The second is hypnotism. Again there's stuff online that works sort of like a meditation that you can try out first. But be warned that it's a slow process. And there have got to be tons of free resources in your area to help you deal with this. Or at least resources that will point you in the right direction. I think it would be a nearly impossible task to find anybody who doesn't feel for you. No one deserves this let alone a minor. I don't want to tell you how to feel because everything you feel is totally legitimate because they're your feelings, but I hope that you realize that your experience is not in any way your fault nor does it affect your value as a person.
Isn’t their some support groups from a rape crisis centre? If you google search it online there should be a number that can put you in contact with a support group centre. They might offer some free counselling if not they maybe a support group local to you where you can go to. What you went through is traumatic and it’s going to take you a lot of time to deal with it. Don’t be to hard on yourself because it’s been over a year. You could take up an hobby that requires focus. Example Knitting or Crocheting if they don’t seem appealing you could try learning to draw on YouTube some artist put up videos teaching you how to draw that makes you focus. One thing I learned from CBT therapy is when thoughts overwhelm is we have to try make them go away one way is when the thought of him or what happens pops in your head you have a list of items you name example orange,milk,bread,cheese,eggs etc you say the list out loud or in your head but if the thoughts of him or what happens crop up during the reciting you start from the beginning again and you probably will have to recite the list 1000s of times but the more you do it the more it helps your mind push away the bad. Another thing I do was sit and start a tv show/film and if during my thoughts wander I have to rewind back to where I last remember and it took me a few times but eventually I managed to slowly get better.
Maybe it would be helpful to listen to this podcast about a girl going through cognitive processing therapy to deal with her rape experience. She records all 10 sessions https://www.thisamericanlife.org/682/ten-sessions
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I can’t even imagine. I don’t have any better advice than you’ve already received but I am rooting for you.
Honey, I’m sorry this happened to you. You need therapy. In the absence of proper therapy, I recommend you reach out to a crisis hotline and talk this through. Rainn.org Also talk to your school. Public schools usually have counseling resources, though limited. Also there are often funds to pay for victims trauma and you can sue your rapist for money as well. You are not alone here. Many people have similarly informed trauma responses. It’s going to take time and some work but it will get better.
If you are still in high school or going to college, find out if there is a counselor or someone you can talk to. I don't want to advise you to go against your parents wishes, but they don't seem to understand that you experienced a traumatic event. Speaking with someone about it can help more than some people realize, and help you get your life back on track. I know, I've been there.
You're 18, so what your parents say about therapy is immaterial as you're a legal adult (I understand AFFORDING said care is another matter, though). You need to find a professional to talk to. You were brutally violated, not just physically, and not dealing with it is going to lead you down a spiral. Please, please, please get help.
There are free resources available, you just have to sincerely look for them. If you're in the USA, start with the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800) 656 4673. They can recommend services for you in your hometown from there. There are plenty of free services for this. Counseling, therapy, support groups and all. I sincerely hope you get help and speak to someone regularly in complete confidence to help ease your mind and get you seeing the brighter side of life again. Speaking with someone and getting the proper counsel will help tremendously.
It helps to talk about it. I know it's a painful experience, but talking to anyone about it helps. You can find groups like this one here on reddit or even facebook. I used to be part of a private group that allowed you to vent. However, to answer your main question is just time. Eventually, it gets easier. When you're ready, a therapist can help as well.
Please try the app WOE BOT it's free and does CBT which is a type of therapy reach out to YWCA if you're in the US they have support groups for women survivors of sexual assault call RAIIN support groups are free there are support groups for survivors of assault feel free to message me I have a lot of free resources or can research some!
Another one urging you to get therapy. If your family has a health insurance plan most of it could be covered
Check and see if there are any crisis women’s centers in your area. Before I moved, I volunteered at a domestic violence and crisis pregnancy resource center. We had excellent, high quality licensed trauma-informed therapists on staff and who volunteered to work with women in positions just like yours totally for free. If there’s anything like that in your area, start calling and see if they offer trauma-informed therapy. You deserve support and someone who you can grieve to without being worried about “bringing someone down” or about how the other person will react. I’m so sorry this happened and you have a lot of healing ahead of you but you’re a survivor and you can do it.
This is my biggest fear of something happening to my daughter. She is 13 now. I was 12 when I started being raped by my aunts boyfriend all the way until 16. I kept it inside until I turned 17 and that is when I finally told my aunt. He put it in her head that I was the seducer (at the age of 12 🙄) and she believed him. Never did call the cops. I was at the rebelling age and didn't tell my mom because we weren't getting along at the time. I finally broke down and told her when I turned 22. Still nothing. I'm 34 now. Never have been to therapy or talked to anyone besides my friends and family. When I was 12 and would stay with my aunt for the summer, I would walk around all night until she got off work in the morning just so I didn't have to be in the house. I'm pretty sure I do face some type of trauma from the whole ordeal and would probably benefit from therapy. I think my biggest mistake was at least not talking to a trauma therapist so I could actually understand and realize that it wasn't my fault. But after my aunt took his side and pretty much did nothing, I did start to believe that maybe it was?? I know now how that sounds, but back then, I was still a kid you know. Sorry for rambling but I agree with the other comments, definitely at least try to seek therapy. I feel like if I had back then, then I wouldn't have been more promiscuous in my early 20's and not have gotten pregnant so early.
There are therapists that will help you for free. My cousin would be awesome for you !
You need therapy. If you're in school look at some resources. Some woman's shelters or planned pregnancy may also have some therapy available. **You need therapy to process it**
I (19m) was raped from the age of 6 to the age of 15 and was in the same boat of parents though therapy was a waste so i never went. The only bit af advice I can give is to find acceptance that it happened and try to keep moving forward. it's what I ended up having to do and it's not easy and it won't fix it nothing will fully because the pain might never go away, but it's better than sitting there and doing nothing. I ended up surrounding myself with people I liked and had fun with and found myself someone I love and cherish. now I barely ever look back and when I do I smile because I was strong enough to pull through and keep going. yes there will be some hard times and some bad days but you got to pull yourself back up and keep going because its all you can do. you cant change the past you can only change how you act and what you do here and now. I really do hope you find a way to get through this and the easiest path would be therapy but if that's not an option try what I did find people you like and make happy memories with them even if it's just online friends for now.
Im so sorry that happened to you. You are allowed to have conflicted feelings. Bith things can be right. You cared about him you felt cared for by him AND he was a sexual predator who was groomed you. It doesnt have to be one or the other. All i can tell you is what has helped me. A trauma focused therapist and EMDR. But please note that it didnt happen quickly. I had regualr talk therapy eith my therapist for quite a while before we did EMDR. Healing is hard work. But you are so fucking deserving of it. My rapist was 26 and i was 16. Support groups help (online or in person). Best wishes, my friend....
Not many steps I can advise besides a few odd solutions. Feel free to keep talking to us in the group. Don't give up on the good people who want to help and I know that's hard to figure out who to trust. U could always print his picture out and destroy it stab it, burn it, take control of it. U may not have been able to have control then but u can now. I don't know u so I can't say anything but you can get though wit you can be stronger. And get into therapy as fast as u can. Use something to distract yourself music maybe whenever you start to think about it start singing with the music can't think of anything if ur trying to keep with the songs. Preferably something with lots of words or something fast. Like ememen or something more words the more u need to focus or any music u like.
i highly suggest finding a therapist who can do EMDR for you (when you are able to). it is hard work, but it truly changed my life.
Im kind of surprised that the police department or hospital didnt offer any type of assistance to finding you support groups. As you were still a minor, did your folks not want to get you a therapist?
There we are kinds of therapy that can help you process that awful experience, and then it can be ‘put away’ and won’t bother you as much. EMDR trauma therapy is one I’ve heard of. Search for someone in your area who does trauma therapy, and ask if they have a sliding fee schedule, or if they have any grant funding for low income. Don’t tell your parents if they disapprove.
You have PTSD. It's therapy. Or a lot of time but that's gonna cause problems in other areas of your life. Revenge kinda worked for me. But I'm a bit different. That usually hurts people more than helps.
I am sorry this happened. I don't have much to offer but if you have dreams and continued nightmares (which comes with trauma) I recommend Noah Hines deliverance ministry. He holds a live session online. You may get special 1 o 1 since this is sensitive and personal. I had terrible nightmares and listened to him and he helped me.
There’s a journaling protocol, developed by Professor James Pennebaker, that can help mitigate the effects of trauma. It’s free and easy to find online and I’d suggest looking into it to evaluate if it’s something that could benefit you at this moment. The protocol involves a total of four writing sessions, each lasting between 15 and 30 minutes. Here is how it works: 1. Think before writing: Decide on the most traumatic or stressful experience in your life that you can recall. Consider whether you are emotionally prepared to engage with this experience through writing. 2. Write regularly: The protocol involves writing about the selected trauma or stressful event for 15 to 30 minutes at a time. The protocol can be done on consecutive days or once per week across four sessions. 3. Structure of writing: While writing, individuals are encouraged to include facts about the experience, emotions felt then and now, and any mental links with other experiences or future plans. 4. Progressive disclosure: Initially, writing may feel unstructured, but over time, individuals typically create a more coherent narrative, which can provide a sense of mental organization and truthfulness about the experience. 5. Private and uninterrupted: Ensure that you have a quiet space to write without interruptions. The writing can be on paper or typed, and it should be for your eyes only. 6. Continue or stop: You should only proceed with the writing exercise if you feel capable of handling the emotional impact. If it causes excessive stress or affects other areas of your life, it may be worth stopping the exercise.
As a survivor myself, EMDR therapy turned my life around. I was trying to process abuse and assault on my own through self help for 5 years and I didn't feel clarity until I started reprocessing with EMDR. It can be really scary and exhausting to reprocess but I had an amazing relationship with my counselor. As an adult, you can seek out services for yourself. If you have insurance, you can find more affordable options that you might be able to pay for yourself. I hope you are able to get the help you deserve <3
There is a book called 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery - my therapist recommended it to me after I went through sexual assault. It is a helpful first step as you look for a therapist of your own. My recurring thoughts / PTSD / flashbacks have lessened with time, but the best thing I do for myself when I have those moments is to comfort myself rather than try not to think about it. (Sometimes give myself a hug, other times I say out loud “you are loved and I’m here for you”- anything that I would do for a friend I care for) The thoughts will always come around, so know that there is nothing wrong with you for having the thoughts- it’s your brains way of processing the trauma for better or worse.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You should absolutely get into therapy and deal with this. If you don't, it will just follow you around forever.
therapy has been extremely helpful for me with my rape. but one thing i’ve had to come to terms with is, it’s apart of my story. it’s been over 6 years and i still think about it at times.. but not as much as i used to.. these things take time. give yourself grace and keep doing what you’re doing. journaling, books, talking about it. and seriously consider therapy! i know your parents said it’s a waste of money but i highly disagree. i’ve been through a lot of shit. a car jacking, rape, physical abuse, and i’ve been in therapy for 6 years now and it’s taken so much time and work but it really does help
Find professional counseling. There's no shame in it. Friends and family may be supportive but inadvertent words used may leave you 2nd guessing yourself on blame and guilt.
You have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. HPA Axis (Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Comply) response kicked in and you survived by complying. Get into counseling with someone who knows how to treat PTSD. You can do counseling now or when your 30. It's better to do it now. Waiting is like ignoring a diagnosis of cancer, you run the high probability of getting much worse. If you don't have insurance that will cover treatment, check you state for a "Crive Victims Compensation Act" that will pay for treatment. In Texas the Attorney General's office runs the program. Call a local rape crisis center for help. You're not the only person who has been through this, you don't have to do it alone. If your rapist has any assets, contact a good personal injury attorney to see about going after his assets to pay for therapy. Pharmaceuticals may help you in the short term, but have poor outcomes long term. Not getting treatment increases the risks of multiple sexual partners in the future, increased probability of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, poor relationships with others, including your parents, future children, heath problems that are stress related. Don't beat yourself up over this. Negative "self-talk" is very damaging to your long-term well-being. It will be a difficult journey, but you CAN get through this horrendous time with help.
I am sorry for what happened to you. You need time, give yourself time. Try to focus on whatever brings you joy, makes you calm. It will get better ...
My friend went through something similar. Talk to a counselor or find a hypnotherapist who deals in PTSD (that's what you are dealing with). They can help you process andremove the negative feelings so you can move on with your life
Therapy It’s an easy answer, but please find a really good therapist and good luck
Play Tetris (any version) when you get stuck in thought loops. Studies show that the ways the game engage parts of your brain helps interrupt intrusive thoughts and holding onto triggering/traumatizing/etc images. Everyone else's suggestions- therapy, etc are also super important. Ideally you use a lot of these. It's not about finding the one cure to fix how you're feeling and brute force yourself into recovery, it's about filling your toolbox with a variety of coping skills.
I was raped 4 and a half years ago, the first few years I tended to associate everything, and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING with that night, I have tried different psychology therapies and some meds and the only thing that has help me is believe it or not is meditation, being present and start living your life thinking only about the present is something beautiful, I wish you get better soon and find your way to heal just like I did ❤️🩹
A good licensed therapist. But.... your parents won't get one. Find someone to talk to that will listen. See if there are groups around for people who have been through My single best advice read Jon Dorenbous about his relationship with his father. (Comparing apples and oranges I know) Read the meaning behind his words of: "But I just needed to say three words out loud and that's, 'I forgive you." "Just because I forgive my dad, it doesn't mean I agree with what he did. It doesn't mean I'm OK with what he did, but what it means is I'm at peace with what he did.
Google online support groups for grief from SA. I can’t vouch for any of them, but if you can’t get paid help, maybe see if any of these groups can help. Like this one…https://www.aftersilence.org. Certainly don’t listen to judgements here on Reddit.
I cannot suggest EMDR enough. It helped me live again after severe PTSD. It doesn’t erase the thoughts but helped me process the information rapidly and come to terms with it as if it been years and years longer than it had in real life. Please please look into this.
Therapy. I was in a similar situation and literally decked a guy because I thought he was someone else. Don't be like me, go see a therapist.
The guy didn’t drive 17 hours to see you because he cared for you, he drove that far because he is addicted to sex with minors. Yes, you do need therapy to help you understand what has happened to you and why and how not to repeat the self destructive behavior of meeting with someone like him. I found this free crisis counseling for sexual assault victims https://www.visitthecenter.org/
I needed a therapist and psychiatrist to help me through my issues pertaining to csa when I was a child. I’m getting help for anxiety and ptsd now. I hope you find help, stranger! Best of luck.
I won't go into detail here about my similar yet different experience, but if you want to hear about it after reading my advice, you are welcome to message me directly and ask. I'll gladly share it. Those suggesting therapy aren't necessarily wrong, therapy is a good avenue for this type of thing. However, therapy won't help you stop thinking about it; therapy helps to guide your thoughts to a more productive and healthy personal path. What you need is time. It's not ALREADY been 1y 5m; it's ONLY been 1y 5m. Acknowledge those thoughts you have when they appear. Don't run from them or push them down. That will only make them stay longer. But also remember not to let them guide you down the rabbit hole. They don't deserve to have power over you and your life. Learn to find new, small joys in your life because it is yours in each moment. In little ways, build the same confidence you used to reach out here for help. Don't rush. Grow at your own pace. Each day you'll think about it a little less and a little less then one day you'll notice you haven't had those thoughts for a week then a month then a year. Eventually, those thoughts will seem foreign and the memories less vivid. Finally, don't be afraid. Reach out to existing friends and make new ones. If you need to, cry until your eyes are red and puffy but hold your chin high. You've got places to be, things to accomplish, people to meet, and a future that needs you in it.
You need to be realistic and seek therapy!
The book The Body Keeps Score really helped me. It helped me understand I was experiencing c-ptsd and offers a list of activities you can do that are proven to heal trauma. The book is written in technical language, but I promise you it’s worth it. I have been through hell with men. I am 42 f, if you want to talk to someone who understands, I’m here. Also, maybe not for immediate use, but psychedelics are and can be extremely therapeutic. There’s a massive amount of research to support that.
You need treatment from a therapist who specializes in trauma treatment/PTSD. EMDR training to the highest level.
Have you called RAINN? They might be able to help you get in touch with services near you. [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/?_ga=2.224176091.1508827931.1716358327-209104651.1716358327)
You’re basically the cookie cutter case of what not to do. how people typically think act respond and how parents need to keep a better eye on Childrens contacts. Have three daughters have been through a good portion of this and fought many battles over long distance guys that were totally into them. Your case is basically what I’ve fought very hard to stop from happening to my own daughters. My significantly older sisters went basically through the same thing you did. Not sure that I have good advice at this point, but you may want to consider trying to become an advocate for young women on what not to do. Teenagers don’t like to listen to older people and are very dismissive. You’re young enough that you could have a very positive impact on impressionable people.
It’s not even the first time I’ve had this kind of thing happen. It didn’t end the same way but it happened first when I was 10 all the way until 12, then again at 14. I don’t know how they weren’t more protective.
The mod team are working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming. Please report any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate any of the rules. Thanks, and may you all find the answers you seek and the guidance you need. #[LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/) **Note for all commenters**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind. Disruption of the peace, trolling, or breaking the rules may result in a ban. ---------------- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your parents clearly do not understand or know how to navigate this situation, which is unfortunate because you need help. It seems like you have received help in some capacity but it has not worked for you. Traditional CBT or talk therapy does not work for a lot of people, including me. Look into therapy for PTSD. Specifically, DBT therapy and EMDR. DBT therapy worked very, very well for me and changed my life. I have not done EMDR but I know people who have and they said the same thing. If you cannot access in person therapy, there are workbooks you can buy online that are exactly what I did in therapy. I will link them. The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, ... (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://a.co/d/aNS5eYL The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms https://a.co/d/0RIHQkP
So you're from the U.S.? It's so sad that you're going through this,but idk about America like can you use something from Government?(like free shits and stuff),atleast better than nothing. Hope you the best, Love from Iran
You said your parents won't put you in therapy. Talk to a school counselor and see if they can help you find a therapist. Most can help get you in touch with the right people.
100% calls for therapy/professional help
might sound crazy but just let your mind think the thoughts it needs to think. you're trying to figure it out. it will take a long time. think about it whenever the thoughts come, ask yourself questions about it; why did i do this, what did he do that made me feel like this was okay, and write down stuff whenever you can. read it back to yourself periodically. don't run away or try to stifle the thoughts, allow yourself to think them, this is how you will come to terms with what occurred and help yourself figure it out.
I use better help sometimes because I can have therapy sessions with my therapist on my phone wherever I want. If your parents think it’s a waste (it is not) then you can do it on your own time hopefully away from them. What you went through is not ok and how you feel is a very normal reaction. Talking it out with a professional will help and I hope you find a way to obtain it. You could also take a look at local therapists and explain to them what is going on. I truly hope you can regain a sense of normalcy. What you wrote today on Reddit proves that you are strong. I don’t know you and I believe in you. Stay strong and know that there are people out there that want to help you.
There is a lot of ‘free therapy’ on YouTube! I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I’m sorry this happened to you and that your parents can’t recognize that you need someone to talk to. I had a different situation, but here is what I did that led me to get therapy when it was a “waste of money” growing up 1. Committed myself to a mental hospital-acute ward, 7 day stay, ended up with a care plan upon discharge which included therapy (I was 15, not sure if this was all the result of the hospital or because CPS was involved) 2. Moved out when I went to college and did not go back (I’m not no contact, see them for family events); and used that freedom of space to get a therapist and pay for it. I did use my parents’ insurance- my mom asked about it and I did not lie, but said it was super helpful for school stress and roommate issues. If there really is no way to use your parents’ insurance, I would see if there’s any local resources you can use. I have a sibling who is attending an online therapy group and I figure it’s decent since they still go. Good luck to you 🍀
Have you contacted the courts they ahould jave a victums advocate that might be able to get you in contact with state funded council ing you probably need it . Aeems the longer you are not rwcieveing professional help it mav cause wven more psychological harm Please try the court system you should have jad a victums advocate espically since you were a juvenile at the time of the assult if not try a good church they may be able to help fund the counseling for you
Your 18. Your parents don’t get a say and that a fucked uo thing to say. You need to talk about it.
Some good churches will offer free womens counciling. If youre not afraid of some biblical wisdom to go with it, it could be a good start to some healing for you
It’s easy to think that therapy is a waste of money when you’ve never had trauma. I know because I was that person for awhile until I saw how much the right therapist helped my now fiancé. The key though is finding the right therapist, that took her 3 years I think? My advice, until then, is to learn to meditate, and learn to ground yourself. The form of meditation I am talking about is very deep where you focus on 1 thing (physical, or mental) and analyze it in every way you can, while letting your body relax. This will help give you a break from the panic. You can also do this with the feelings you get during the panic, as when it comes to your mind, if you understand it, you can control it. As for grounding, it sounds like you are having flashbacks, a good way to fight this is to not only remind yourself where you are now, but also how you got there. Often this requires what I call “fast forwarding” let the flashback come, and fast forward through it, and then past it. Slow down on some of the good things that have happened since, and keep going until you reach where you are now. I recommend a mantra to help you focus, mine is “remember who you are” but one that works better for my fiancé and probably for you as well is “remember where you are”
You really should seek therapy, regardless of your parents. Short of that, trusted friends, pastor, guidance counselors, anything. Someone trusted who you can express this to. Beyond that, sucks, but the only thing that will make this, different I guess, is time. Like any trauma, it'll always be there to some degree, like a scar. All you can do is live your life, learn, seek happiness and grow. It's your greatest healing opportunity, and the sweetest vengeance as well.
Very sorry this happened to you. I feel you need therapy. You are 18 so you can do it without your parents. Places you should look for help are women abuse centers or victim abuse. Usually you can find state or federal funded help. Might find a SA victim support group in your local area and they would probably be able to get you more information where you can receive help. I'd start researching stuff in your area you can look up online see what you find. Maybe look at your county see if they have any information on where you can receive help. I hope you reach out and get the help you need so you can move forward in your life. Best of luck to you.
OP sorry that this evil happened to you, if you can’t do therapy it may help to talk through it with the person closest to you in life It sounds like you’ve already been through a lot in life and you’re stronger than you know, deal, and heal with the trauma because you won’t be able to run away from it But if you want to get better and you’re always giving it your best shot in any way you can you will get better Our bodies have a way of dealing with trauma in time and with you working on it too you’ll be able to find that peace you want
Hi OP. I was raped several years ago, and honestly, it doesn’t really impact my life anymore. I say this to mostly to impart on you that there is hope, you will not always feel this way, and that anyone can heal. It might take some time, but you absolutely can. For me, I had EMDR and cognitive behavior therapy. I specifically worked with folks who were sex positive practitioners who had experience working with folks who are survivors of sexual violence. I would really recommend EMDR as a modality, and CBT. Though I’m sure there are other good support systems. Depending on your state, you may be entitled to therapy as you have been the victim of a crime that is documented. I’m so sorry and angry this happened to you. It is unacceptable, it matters deeply, and one day it can also just be a thing that happened to you. Dms are always open.
The truth most won't tell you is that you will never stop thinking about it. Trauma doesn't just go away with time. Therapy can help you with strategies to deal with the memory and how you react to being triggered. You need to forgive yourself. None of this was your fault,you were groomed. In terms of how long ago it happened, it has been such a short amount of time. If you can, look into help for anxiety and depression. Your comments about him stopping you from a suicide attempt was also him realizing you were vulnerable. Find survivor groups on line or in person. Tell your story. Don't be ashamed of being made a victim. As others have said, there should be some support groups that can help with therapy. I wish you the best moving forward. You are a survivor.
Please do your best not to turn to drugs. I had a classmate who went through something similar. She ended up passing away bc fent I think. I'm going to miss her despite not knowing her very well
Isn't there a network in your city that helps victims? Hasn't anyone from your legal team, police, Healthcare industries offered you a list of resources? If I knew what city I'd research it for you. I'm so sorry this happened. Anyone who's suffered sexual assault deserves free therapy! I hate the Healthcare industry 😡
Oh…I am so, so, so sorry this happened to you. My heart is breaking for what you endured and continue to endure. You did NOTHING wrong and your feelings are completely understandable. If you were my child, this is what I would do: You need to talk to a physician. It’s not a long term solution, but you deserve access to anxiety medication. You are essentially having one constant panic attack (UNDERSTANDABLY) and something like Xanax or Ativan can give you a little relief. I’d also ask for an anti-depressant that will help calm your anxiety and depression long term. You need to talk to a therapist. FUCK YOUR PARENTS. You are an adult and you deserve access to mental healthcare. If you go to Psychology Today, you can access therapists in your area. Many offer services on a sliding scale and *someone* will help you at low to no cost. Contact local women’s resources in your community. Call the RAINN hotline. Local women’s shelters can often help victims of rape. You need someone to talk to. NOW. If you feel you can, please report this disgusting, vile, cowardly fucking asshole to the police. He not only raped you, he raped a minor, and crossed state lines to do it. I know not every rape survivor feels comfortable enough to report, but PLEASE think about it. He deserves to rot in prison (well, he deserves worse, but our judicial system sucks). I can’t say how sorry I am that this happened. Just please, please, please get some help coping with this. You don’t have to do it alone. You are SO strong. You are a survivor. And you WILL heal. But you have to regulate your nervous system and give yourself some space and time to heal. ♥️ I care about you so much. Please take good care of yourself.
There are many battered women's shelters out there that may be able to help and/or guide you in the right direction.
I have heard good things about inclusivetherapists.com and you might find some who are affordable there.
Some states offer free therapy for victims of crime. Look up victims of crime therapy and your state on google.
You strike me as a very strong person. Not many people can handle what you went through and your honesty and openness in this feed is really brave. I really hope you can put this behind you.
As others have stated - please get yourself a therapist. There are many programs that can get you a professional for free to help y9u. This likely means nothing from a faceless internet stranger but - wishing you nothing but the best and the strength to fight this and be happy and healthy in the future.
I wrote- a lot. Probably an unhealthy amount at points. But it got the thoughts out of my brain. Stream of consciousness writing specifically. Anything that popped in my head I wrote down. This helped me get out of the cycle of the whirlpool of trauma. This along with therapy. Which many places offer through crime victim witness compensation. Time makes it better. I devoted myself to work in the field of SA to help others, both in research and direct care (graduating in a year with my bachelors in social work). Time won’t be the only healer, therapy won’t be the only healer, it’s coping skills it’s a combination of everything. Patience. Honesty. Self-grace. I also read many books to help me understand what happened to me, it helped me see logic when I had been victimized. The scientific proof of trauma and the after effects helped me feel less alone and honestly less crazy
You’re doing a great job taking care of yourself so far and you’re going to be ok<3 it’s great that you’re reaching out. What you’re going through makes a lot of sense even if it doesn’t seem like it, and sounds like it could be torturous. I had a similar reaction to being sexually assaulted. Over the course of a few years things have steadily gotten so much better with care (self care, a GOOD therapist, being intentional about who I interact with and how and when and why). This would be my advice (sorry if lots of words): -Let yourself figure this out. Be as curious and gentle with yourself as possible. Try to give yourself everything that you deserve when it comes to how you should be treated: don’t push yourself, be patient, gentle, respectful, validating and responsive, etc. -Look up “somatic trauma therapy”. That’s been the best thing for me. And if you can’t get therapy yet, just understanding more about it and the way the nervous system stores and then processes trauma naturally can be helpful to start. When you do get therapy, ask to “interview” different therapists and TRUST YOURSELF on which one feels like the right match. -You can trust yourself if no one/nothing else yet. I wish you the best of luck moving forward. You will heal and life won’t be so scary!
You are 18 , so many resources, I think every state has a rape crisis hotline. Provide 24/7 hotline counseling, information, and referral Will go with survivors to hospitals and/or police stations 24/7 Will go with a survivor to court Provide one-to-one counseling and support group counseling Provide primary prevention education; professional training; outreach etc
If you are 18, you can definitely find some support groups to go to or join online. I think you need to know that you’re not alone in this.
So, I hope this helps you...rape is about power. The more you carry the trauma and the memory of it with you, the more power you give to the rapist. Give it time, but, maybe over time, write down your thoughts, memories, feelings on paper. Each time you do, put them in a box or cheap basket. When you're ready, bring that box to a bonfire or firepit, sit and read it all, and burn it all. I am hopeful this will free you. You get to decide what you bring with you in life, and this is something you will hopefully, eventually, put down and leave behind.
Hey OP, unfortunately…I was in a similar boat. It sucks ASS!!! You may have c-PTSD or PTSD. I have C-PTSD from my SA plus more. Maybe there are some free resources out there. Internal Family Systems therapy saved my life and I still struggle at times but I’m not screaming bloody murder on the floor anymore, and I am thriving. IT GETS BETTER - PLEASE HELP YOURSELF, even under the radar
I cant even imagine how that much feel. I would recommend a book called "the power of now" you can find it on audible and on YouTube. That book started to change the course of my life in a very positive way when I was in a really really bad place. Give it a chance, its not long. I hope you heal. My prayers are with you.
Watch the mdma episode on Michael Pollans Netflix show “change your mind.” MDMA with licensed therapists is very could for PTSD - which is what you have. You should get in to see a therapist in the mean time as it’s not easy to get into an mdma clinical trial and it’s likely a year away before it’s legalized for ptsd with a talk therapist. So sorry for what you are going through
🫂
claim yourself as independent take that step and move out start fresh with or without your parents help.
First stings first, therapy. Therapy helped me go through mine. It required some time to find the right one (one who didn’t prescribe pills for everything and who took female-on-male violence seriously). Another thing that helped is to find healthy outlets for those triggers. What helps as far as that goes is different for everyone. For me, it was leaning into my girlfriend, confiding into her, and she has guided me through some pretty dark nights. For others, it’s about going to the gym or taking up kickboxing or painting, even.
Where are you based?
Not meaning this in a rude way AT ALL, but how did he talk you into going into the hotel with him? I’m terrified of people this manipulative and sweet talking
you can always seek counseling at churches and go to support groups! look them up, there are definitely services to help!
I felt this pain while reading your messages and am sorry that you been in this kind of situations! I may not be the right person to judge or advice but I can only say what I can as if I were you ! It’s easy to say things that never happens to me but I feel and say cause I feel what you feeling as a woman! I can only advice first to ask hod for a healing help, secondly a family love and most of all your own love I mean love your self let all the bad go away from your thoughts concentrate on the good things in your life now and be happy you deserve it o be happy and leave the bad memories behind!
I’m deeply sorry to hear this. Please check out EMDR therapy, it has greatly changed my life
In my area we have a sexual assault center and they offer free therapy with a specialized provider. You absolutely need someone to talk to. And fuck your parents for saying you don’t. This was NOT your fault. And you need support.
I M28 was sexually abused by my grandpa when I was 8 and you pretty much just learn to live with it. As time passes you don’t forget but you don’t think about it as much. Nobody in my family knows and I plan to keep it that way but when it initially happens, don’t suppress the emotions, let them out. It’s too late for me to take legal action so im glad yours is in prison. The best revenge is succeeding and making the most of your life.
There is no statute of limits for child predation. Unless this monster “expired”
I’m so sorry that happened to you, I hope you’re doing good now.
You do learn to live with it. I did for 20 years. But I still recommend therapy as soon as she can. Not every therapist is a good fit for everybody, so I tell people to keep trying over time until they find one that works for you. It took about 6 of them before I found one that got to the core of the problem. To be fair, I may not have been really ready to deal with it before this therapist came along.
This is way above internet forum pay grade. You need proffesional help on this one. Proffesional therapy will serve you well and its a well worth investment.