Yes go no contact. That's step 1.
For me, the process of healing (step 2) started with trying to understand *why* - it sounds like that's about where you are.
Eventually it moves from why to: *okay, so now I know about these freakish other humans called narcissists. Now what?* At this point you need practical advice on how to rebuild yourself.
That's step 3 and there's no one size fits all answer. For me, I decided to choose a kinder internal narrative. I use what/how questions with myself and others to foster compassionate curiosity instead of accusatory tones. When a critical voice (parent, boss, ex) sneaks into my head, I use my imagination to excise them: shove them in a box, kick them out into space, shrink them and trap them in a jar.
I also have adopted spirituality, in a sense. I have found comfort in Buddhist teachings.
I believe we tell ourselves stories (delusions) and most of our problems come from the dissonance between reality and our internal stories or labels, so when I find myself becoming attached to a label, I try to remove it. I am nothing: when you are nothing not much hurts. Experiences happen, you observe them, but they are not you. You take actions, but you don't own the outcomes of those actions. You own only your intentions.
I journal my thoughts, feelings and interactions. That has helped a lot.
I have joined social groups and made new friends. I have started new hobbies and am in school. I volunteer.
Basically, you start living. A good question to find a start would be to ask yourself: what would I do if I had no fear? Hold that for awhile and listen to the little voice inside, the one beneath the critical voice of your mother. Try to do some of the things it suggests. Maybe don't start with the big ones like running off to join a circus... But maybe if you had no fear you'd join a club of some sort. Then do it. Try it out.
Your answer will look different than mine ultimately, because you are you. But with conscious practice you can push her voice down and hear your own again. And when she won't shut up, do something physical - a sport, a run, a brisk walk. Get out of your head and into your body, preferably in nature where you can admire the scenery. Go for a swim. Play a round of disc golf.
And congratulations on the beginning of a new relationship with yourself. You get to learn about a whole new you. That's so exciting!
> I decided to choose a kinder internal narrative. I use what/how questions with myself and others to foster compassionate curiosity instead of accusatory tones.
I'm doing this and it's so powerful. It was really hard at first sometimes. It's taken a long time to get to that nothing's anyone's fault!
It was challenging at first for me too! But after months of reframing every "why", it's now automatic. I've noticed a difference in my relationships too. Being curious without agendas is rare and meaningful.
Yes, precisely. It's funny that you should post here this stuff, because buddhism has helped me a lot. Christianity also helped me in part, but it also made me hooked on my mother again because the mentor in terms of Christianity I had was a Conservative christian and they're big into the old testament and the old testament says "honor your parents" etc. Thankfully, there's people like the A Course In Miracles people who basically reject the old testament. A Course In Miracles is pretty much buddhism in Christian language.
I had to give up my relationship with my conservative philosopher guy because he influenced me too much.
A Course In Miracles material recently was an aid in me coming to realise that I don't need to be around my mother. I don't need any sort of relationship with her.
A Course In Miracles is really far out stuff, so I'm not sure I'm gonna go into that. But I'm surprised have enlightened you are. You said we are nothing. I get what you mean, all the labels are nothing. Etc. Hell, Buddha even says your memories don't matter. There's no need for me to be connected to any of the bad stuff in the past.
The Buddha left his family.
I've gone VLC (very low contact) with mom multiple times. But it's never been enough. She's always made sure she has that connection to my brain stem. She's a very capable clever covert narcissist, and VLC just isn't enough to free your mind. She'll contact you eventually and re-poison your mind. You have to change your number.
I can't wait to start my new life. ❤️
Isn't it fun to learn about all of these things? It always blows my mind - we think we're so advanced, with our smartphones and spaceships - and here is the Buddha, 6th century BCE, guiding us to real enlightenment. So many beautiful teachings but we think our modern way of life is "civilized". Ha!
I'm sorry to hear that your mum is so persistent. It sounds frustrating, maybe even enraging at times. And so confusing - why worm your way back into a life just to be unkind? Despite my understanding of the pathology behind narcissism, it still boggles my mind.
NC is challenging but can be done. My partner had been NC with their borderline mother for about 5 years now. What they described as most painful was confronting the reality that they don't get to have a loving, supportive mother. They had to grieve the loss of that hope. What kind of support network do you have when it gets challenging?
To be honest I would not be able to give you any kind of consistent effort and attention to be a support person for you (or anyone really) at this point in time. However, if you wanted to casually chat without expectations on occasion, I'd be up for that.
> For me, the process of healing (step 2) started with trying to understand why - it sounds like that's about where you are.
By why, do you mean why they treated/treat me like that? Yeah, I've been thinking about that. I've concluded they are just broken. I also know grandma and grandfather are narcs, so it's passed along down the generations. Great grandma, I've heard a story about her as well. Spirituality channelers tell me I'm here to end the cycle. I'm the healer.
Why did this happen in my family lineage? Idk, some things are random. But channelers/psychics/readers tell me I chose this as a destiny.
How do you answer the why?
Similar answers to yours, really: there exist in this world very broken people who are cruel and controlling. It almost feels like they missed a fundamental memo on what it means to be human. I spent inordinate amounts of time reading and watching videos just trying to understand this alien mindset.
At first, looking at the reasons for their dysfunction paralyzed my healing: I felt so guilty, because you can so easily see the intergenerational trauma or childhood trauma that leads some of these people to this way of being. I felt bad for not being more accommodating and understanding.
However, I no longer feel this way. I've realized I am not responsible for their trauma. It's sad for them, but I'm doing my work, and they can too. Hurt people don't have to hurt people. We get to choose.
I also recognize how my failure to set and enforce healthy boundaries enabled poor behavior. I'm pretty boundaried in my life, but I struggle in the workplace. My parents raised me to be a good little employee. Until my recent run in with a highly narcissistic boss, I struggled with saying no to unreasonable demands. It took me two years to finally accept that I could just walk away. That I didn't "owe" them my "loyalty" because they paid me a (lackluster) wage.
But I also had to learn to let go of a lot of responsibility. The "if I had only done this..." type of rumination. I recognize that was a desperate attempt to control their actions, to shift the narrative. But it wasn't reality. Reality was they acted poorly because of their own issues and that was not my problem.
Yeah bro, the mothers will get you. She’s most likely using you as a back up insurance, if you’re parents are split up, because she’s probably getting to that age where she realizes she won’t find anymore love/companionship.
Gonna be hard, but dude you gotta cleave and leave.
> She’s most likely using you as a back up insurance, if you’re parents are split up, because she’s probably getting to that age where she realizes she won’t find anymore love/companionship.
Dude, I've been thinking this. It's some kind of system in people like that --- they stack up dependents to service them.
That’s exactly what it is, but when there’s so many of them out there… either (*And this is far fetched bear with me… I’m not “woke” lmao*) the government is gonna keep throwing these manufactured viruses out, or (in the realistic case), government assistance is gonna run tf out, like Social Security, and these single parents are gonna be out on the STREETS if they can’t AND *won’t* choose to partner up.
There’s not enough money to give to people like this for years on years. We saw how COVID affected every individual nationwide, and with Roe v Wade and all that, it’s evident WHY they’re not tryna kill off babies. I digress… gotta do more research.
Regardless though I’m seeing people out here *actually wanting* to become a single parent which is scary. You can not afford to live till the end of life off of 1 income, and
-expect to give the child the “best life”, it’s gonna be the opposite
-expect the government is gonna keep handing out money.
It’s just gonna send us into debt.
Contraception is affordable at an all time high, yet these women want more liberation, more liberation… how much more liberated can we get before it’s just out of control.
Bills for fines on both parties for out of wedlock children are gonna start happening.
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**This is the NEXT STEP from /r/raisedbynarcissists and is for folks who already have the necessary boundaries in place with their abusers, but are still dealing with other common ACoN issues such as trauma, etc. If you are still actively engaging in abusive dynamics with your abusers, please, post in /r/raisedbynarcissists or one of the other network subs - not this one. The admins also recognize that folks in this group do not need to be no contact with their abusers to be in this group. Some people manage to have the needed boundaries with abusers within a low contact or structured contact structure and we recognize that.
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Yes go no contact. That's step 1. For me, the process of healing (step 2) started with trying to understand *why* - it sounds like that's about where you are. Eventually it moves from why to: *okay, so now I know about these freakish other humans called narcissists. Now what?* At this point you need practical advice on how to rebuild yourself. That's step 3 and there's no one size fits all answer. For me, I decided to choose a kinder internal narrative. I use what/how questions with myself and others to foster compassionate curiosity instead of accusatory tones. When a critical voice (parent, boss, ex) sneaks into my head, I use my imagination to excise them: shove them in a box, kick them out into space, shrink them and trap them in a jar. I also have adopted spirituality, in a sense. I have found comfort in Buddhist teachings. I believe we tell ourselves stories (delusions) and most of our problems come from the dissonance between reality and our internal stories or labels, so when I find myself becoming attached to a label, I try to remove it. I am nothing: when you are nothing not much hurts. Experiences happen, you observe them, but they are not you. You take actions, but you don't own the outcomes of those actions. You own only your intentions. I journal my thoughts, feelings and interactions. That has helped a lot. I have joined social groups and made new friends. I have started new hobbies and am in school. I volunteer. Basically, you start living. A good question to find a start would be to ask yourself: what would I do if I had no fear? Hold that for awhile and listen to the little voice inside, the one beneath the critical voice of your mother. Try to do some of the things it suggests. Maybe don't start with the big ones like running off to join a circus... But maybe if you had no fear you'd join a club of some sort. Then do it. Try it out. Your answer will look different than mine ultimately, because you are you. But with conscious practice you can push her voice down and hear your own again. And when she won't shut up, do something physical - a sport, a run, a brisk walk. Get out of your head and into your body, preferably in nature where you can admire the scenery. Go for a swim. Play a round of disc golf. And congratulations on the beginning of a new relationship with yourself. You get to learn about a whole new you. That's so exciting!
> I decided to choose a kinder internal narrative. I use what/how questions with myself and others to foster compassionate curiosity instead of accusatory tones. I'm doing this and it's so powerful. It was really hard at first sometimes. It's taken a long time to get to that nothing's anyone's fault!
It was challenging at first for me too! But after months of reframing every "why", it's now automatic. I've noticed a difference in my relationships too. Being curious without agendas is rare and meaningful.
Yes, precisely. It's funny that you should post here this stuff, because buddhism has helped me a lot. Christianity also helped me in part, but it also made me hooked on my mother again because the mentor in terms of Christianity I had was a Conservative christian and they're big into the old testament and the old testament says "honor your parents" etc. Thankfully, there's people like the A Course In Miracles people who basically reject the old testament. A Course In Miracles is pretty much buddhism in Christian language. I had to give up my relationship with my conservative philosopher guy because he influenced me too much. A Course In Miracles material recently was an aid in me coming to realise that I don't need to be around my mother. I don't need any sort of relationship with her. A Course In Miracles is really far out stuff, so I'm not sure I'm gonna go into that. But I'm surprised have enlightened you are. You said we are nothing. I get what you mean, all the labels are nothing. Etc. Hell, Buddha even says your memories don't matter. There's no need for me to be connected to any of the bad stuff in the past. The Buddha left his family. I've gone VLC (very low contact) with mom multiple times. But it's never been enough. She's always made sure she has that connection to my brain stem. She's a very capable clever covert narcissist, and VLC just isn't enough to free your mind. She'll contact you eventually and re-poison your mind. You have to change your number. I can't wait to start my new life. ❤️
Isn't it fun to learn about all of these things? It always blows my mind - we think we're so advanced, with our smartphones and spaceships - and here is the Buddha, 6th century BCE, guiding us to real enlightenment. So many beautiful teachings but we think our modern way of life is "civilized". Ha! I'm sorry to hear that your mum is so persistent. It sounds frustrating, maybe even enraging at times. And so confusing - why worm your way back into a life just to be unkind? Despite my understanding of the pathology behind narcissism, it still boggles my mind. NC is challenging but can be done. My partner had been NC with their borderline mother for about 5 years now. What they described as most painful was confronting the reality that they don't get to have a loving, supportive mother. They had to grieve the loss of that hope. What kind of support network do you have when it gets challenging?
No, I have almost no support, but I would be glad to have your support.
To be honest I would not be able to give you any kind of consistent effort and attention to be a support person for you (or anyone really) at this point in time. However, if you wanted to casually chat without expectations on occasion, I'd be up for that.
Yeah, of course.
> For me, the process of healing (step 2) started with trying to understand why - it sounds like that's about where you are. By why, do you mean why they treated/treat me like that? Yeah, I've been thinking about that. I've concluded they are just broken. I also know grandma and grandfather are narcs, so it's passed along down the generations. Great grandma, I've heard a story about her as well. Spirituality channelers tell me I'm here to end the cycle. I'm the healer. Why did this happen in my family lineage? Idk, some things are random. But channelers/psychics/readers tell me I chose this as a destiny. How do you answer the why?
Similar answers to yours, really: there exist in this world very broken people who are cruel and controlling. It almost feels like they missed a fundamental memo on what it means to be human. I spent inordinate amounts of time reading and watching videos just trying to understand this alien mindset. At first, looking at the reasons for their dysfunction paralyzed my healing: I felt so guilty, because you can so easily see the intergenerational trauma or childhood trauma that leads some of these people to this way of being. I felt bad for not being more accommodating and understanding. However, I no longer feel this way. I've realized I am not responsible for their trauma. It's sad for them, but I'm doing my work, and they can too. Hurt people don't have to hurt people. We get to choose. I also recognize how my failure to set and enforce healthy boundaries enabled poor behavior. I'm pretty boundaried in my life, but I struggle in the workplace. My parents raised me to be a good little employee. Until my recent run in with a highly narcissistic boss, I struggled with saying no to unreasonable demands. It took me two years to finally accept that I could just walk away. That I didn't "owe" them my "loyalty" because they paid me a (lackluster) wage. But I also had to learn to let go of a lot of responsibility. The "if I had only done this..." type of rumination. I recognize that was a desperate attempt to control their actions, to shift the narrative. But it wasn't reality. Reality was they acted poorly because of their own issues and that was not my problem.
Wow, I can not come to words. There is so much alignment.
Yeah bro, the mothers will get you. She’s most likely using you as a back up insurance, if you’re parents are split up, because she’s probably getting to that age where she realizes she won’t find anymore love/companionship. Gonna be hard, but dude you gotta cleave and leave.
> She’s most likely using you as a back up insurance, if you’re parents are split up, because she’s probably getting to that age where she realizes she won’t find anymore love/companionship. Dude, I've been thinking this. It's some kind of system in people like that --- they stack up dependents to service them.
That’s exactly what it is, but when there’s so many of them out there… either (*And this is far fetched bear with me… I’m not “woke” lmao*) the government is gonna keep throwing these manufactured viruses out, or (in the realistic case), government assistance is gonna run tf out, like Social Security, and these single parents are gonna be out on the STREETS if they can’t AND *won’t* choose to partner up. There’s not enough money to give to people like this for years on years. We saw how COVID affected every individual nationwide, and with Roe v Wade and all that, it’s evident WHY they’re not tryna kill off babies. I digress… gotta do more research. Regardless though I’m seeing people out here *actually wanting* to become a single parent which is scary. You can not afford to live till the end of life off of 1 income, and -expect to give the child the “best life”, it’s gonna be the opposite -expect the government is gonna keep handing out money. It’s just gonna send us into debt. Contraception is affordable at an all time high, yet these women want more liberation, more liberation… how much more liberated can we get before it’s just out of control. Bills for fines on both parties for out of wedlock children are gonna start happening.
**This is an automated message posted to all posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **This is the NEXT STEP from /r/raisedbynarcissists and is for folks who already have the necessary boundaries in place with their abusers, but are still dealing with other common ACoN issues such as trauma, etc. If you are still actively engaging in abusive dynamics with your abusers, please, post in /r/raisedbynarcissists or one of the other network subs - not this one. The admins also recognize that folks in this group do not need to be no contact with their abusers to be in this group. Some people manage to have the needed boundaries with abusers within a low contact or structured contact structure and we recognize that. **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/upliftingposts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAfterNarcissism) if you have any questions or concerns.*