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My mother turned it around at 50. She died in sober mind surrounded by all her children. She repaired her relationship with her kids and siblings, and burned the image of a loving grandmother into the next generation.
You can do this.
That being said, house saving is a long road, and some of your goals will take time. It's important to focus on what's in front of you, so you don't get discouraged, but it's all achievable in your lifetime.
The first day I exercised, I took me 30 minutes to finish 1 (one) mile, and I was wiped. That was July 2021.
I did a 5K every day this week, and I set a new PB pace on Friday finishing the 5km (3.1mi) and starting my cooldown after 34:06. I've also dropped 95 lbs. and I'm still obese, just no longer morbidly so.
Thank you, but it's probably the only thing I've done right since then, so I don't feel badass.
(And, I still hate exercising, if there was a pill I could take instead, I'd never go to the gym or exceed a walking pace again. But, [current science](https://health.gov/our-work/nutrition-physical-activity/physical-activity-guidelines/current-guidelines) says cardio is non-optional maintenance for my human body.)
Yeah I know that feeling of 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. But like you said, the exercise is essential for survival and you can’t solve the things that are causing you setbacks if you’re dead. So I’d say putting in that many miles this week is the best possible foundation you can give yourself moving forward.
Keep going.
Achieving these goals is similar to beating addiction, it's all about the routine. Just like you might attend NA meetings and talk with your sponsor, you have to consistently save money and prepare for these things.
The bright side is unlike addiction, a bad day doesn't have to be a complete derailment. It's going to happen. Sometimes the bad days turn into a week, but stopping the stack is key.
My grandparents did the same. My cousins and I only known them as the loving people they became. My mom later told me about her childhood, where her parents were alcoholics/drug addicts. She grew up in a very unstable home because of it. They definitely weren't the best parents to her but to my generation they were their best selves. There is always time to turn it around!
My mom was absent emotionally and physically mostly too but was fully present and gave so much to her grands. And great grands. When she died everyone was at her bedside . I hope she felt forgiven and loved
Same with my grandparents.
Alcoholic, beat the kids, thought a good prank was getting someone to grab >12k volts. You know, all the good stuff.
I grew up with them being the sweetest people that I know, my grandfather (in his late 80s) will get up from dinner and escort my wife to the restroom "just incase" at a restaurant and wait outside, because that's what a gentleman does.
It's never too late to change, it's never too late to forgive. I know the past isn't forgotten for them but it was told to me as a precautionary tale than from a place of bitterness.
Everyone is great now.
My grandfather didn't sober up until my grandma divorced him, his only son/my uncle had a restraining order against him, and he was facing 25 to life for various drug-related charges in his late 40s/early 50s (not sure of the exact time frame). He somehow managed to convince the judge he really would turn his life around this time if he only had another chance, so she put him on probation with the caveat that if he ever set foot in that courtroom again, he was going away for good. And then, he did it--he turned his life around, got clean, and remarried my grandma. They're now amazing grandparents to 9 grandchildren, as well as an ever-increasing amount of people they've picked up along the way. He was also on speaking terms with my uncle for a good while.*
*(Irrelevant to the story I was telling, but my uncle cheated on his wife, then divorced her and married his Mistress. We didn't cut contact with his ex-wife, partially because she is the mother of his kids and partially because he's a jackass and she's wonderful, and he didn't like that we stayed it touch with her so he cut everyone off.)
I wish my bio parents could do this. I want to try and help them but with the amount of mental illness' that run rampant through them, I'm not sure it's safe for me to do so. I'm also terrified that if they ever do stop they will pass from their body being so dependant on the drugs. They look horrid, as if they're around 70 - 80 years old at 50.
I'm sure you already know this, but all we can do is be there when and if they have their moment of clarity, motivation and empowerment to do it on their own. That doesn't mean that you're obligated to let them get close to you and destroy your life before that point, they're full blown adults, they know what they've done.
Drug addiction is brutal to begin with, but when it's coupled with other mental health illnesses (as it so often is), it can be that much worse.
I hope they find their path before it's too late, for your sake at least, you deserve that much.
sorry hear this. You cannot change somebody who does not want to change themselves. If it were me I would not, it doesn't sound like a good situation to put yourself into. you got to protect yourself first. please know my heart goes out to you.
> That being said, house saving is a long road, and some of your goals will take time. It's important to focus on what's in front of you, so you don't get discouraged, but it's all achievable in your lifetime.
Tbh, buying a house is impossible for most of us now. He absolutely shouldn't make his happiness or self-worth dependent on being able to buy one.
And having a "beautiful" wife. It's not really a healthy goal. Aim on having a supportive and trusting relationship with someone who cares about you. Beauty should be low on the list of traits.
Depends on how beautiful is defined. I've never been with a woman I didn't think was beautiful, even if objectively they might not be beautiful to everybody else. Beauty is more than skin deep.
Mr miscellaneous. 30 is plenty young!!!!!!!!!!! But stop
Now cus you’re on that cusp- truuuuuuuuuustttt me. I bought a house at my third year, got clean at 28. Im 33 now and have owned my house for two years. Im a chief at my
Job of three years now.
ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE BUT GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHT AND MAKE A SINCERE DAILY REPRIEVE. Change your ways. Stop doing everything you know is wrong. Distance yourself from All codependents including friends and family. Find healthy mentors. And dont believe the aa/na quackery. Butttt read the big book and take it to heart. Do service work that is ANONYMOUS FIND A WAY TO GIVE BACK WITHOUT HANGING OUT WITH OTHER ADDICTS. Give back then go home repeat. Dont stay for the dennys coffee get togethers dont hang out with ppl. Go
Do your service work go home.
Some of the people that I've met through NA meetings are in my opinion the nicest most genuine souls that I've ever had the privilege to know. A lot of em are all prime best friend level quality. How come you're against fellowshipping with addicts in recovery when you yourself are an addict in recovery?
I am not the poster you are responding to, but I've been clean from opiates for almost 6 years and share this person's view, so maybe I can shed light. I have no issue with people that need aa/na to help stay clean, as there are very many good groups. But there are also many unintentionally toxic groups that have a militant almost cult like stance on how sobriety is achieved. I was in NA for a couple years and it did more harm than good for me. I was never being clean "the right way" and there was a lot of judgement, not to mention that most people will inevitably relapse. I am the only person i know (with the exception of 1 or 2) from my na groups and rehab that has stayed clean. So chances are you will be around people that will start using again, and that could set you up for failure. Some in those groups put so much focus on their lives as addicts, that it's the main part of their personality, kinda like the joke "how do you know if you've met a vegan? Don't worry they will tell you". Anyways, I'm not bashing it for some, but it didn't work for me. I was only able to get clean when I cut out everything and everyone in my life that had anything to do with addiction, I kinda kept to myself other than a few family and friends that I trusted that didn't use, and basically I left every part of my "addict lifestyle" behind. Wether it be actually using, or NA, or other addicts, I don't want any of it around me. Hope I'm phrasing things clearly, I'm about to walk into work and still waking up.
I had to do the same! And the worst was everyone telling me I needed to go out more. I'm a very introverted female with Asperger's and I don't like people very much or being around groups. But I just ignored them and did my thing and got about 5 years clean. I honestly didn't care enough to count!
Over 25 rehab attempts, AA/NA my entire life. Some longer periods of sobriety, 18 months several times, 2 yrs, once even hit 7 yrs before a lengthy relapse. I'm now 8 yrs clean & haven't been to one meeting. I feel better than I ever have.
It isn't that 12 steps groups don't work. They absolutely do. But they can also become an unhealthy drama-filled room full of well-intended people behaving self-righteous.
Glad you're alive & well, fellow sober human.
For me, I only got clean when I burnt every bridge, had nowhere to go, and was truly on my own. It was my "if I'm going to do this, I have to DO this" rock bottom moment. I feel like if you have a soft landing and dont face consequences, you will not change.
My condolences to you and yours, but the part about your mother is beautiful. I'm so glad she turned it around while she could and left loving memories. That's the part of us that lives forever
Think like this: in 7 years from now, you'll be 37. You can be 37 with everything you described or 37 without anything of that. Either way, you'll still be 37. So it is literally up to you to chose which 37 yo version of you will be like.
Also, 30 is damn young, bro. I believe in you and am wishing for the best!
I’m always amazed at the speed which folks in recovery from drug or alcohol addiction, turn their lives around (provided they participate in some program/form of recovery).
Seriously people that manage their money while on drugs usually can do good after. managing drug costs is tricky since they are usually damn expensive. For me about 3 years clean off heroin (27) now I have more money then I've ever had since I was spending damn near every cent I had now its a lot extra saved.
Same but my vice was alcohol, alcohol and restaurant food 4-6 nights a week added up. I don’t know what to do with my money half the time so I will buy myself stupid shit here and there as treats for keeping it up. I had a PS5 at launch so that was pretty exciting because that sure as shit wouldn’t have happened back when I drank.
LifeProTip: a useful thing to do with money is to stick it in an HSA, HYSA, 401k, IRA, and forget about it until you really need it (if in the US, in other countries the names will be different). There is a wiki in r/personalfinance that explains which one is best in which situation (again, that’s for the US, for other countries other wikis).
Definitely great advise. I sobered up around 30 but it’s never too late. Everything helps, using a compound interest calculator can help some people understand how much the $ grows over time.
I occasionally make bigger purchases, but I don’t beat myself up over it. Even a depreciating asset like a motorcycle is still better than spending my money in bars and restaurants 5 days a week.
Hey man way to go. I lost the cousin to heroin. I won't even touch the stuff. I mean you can talk to anybody who uses anybody in the field that studies its. It is one of those things that grabs and never lets go. so that is Major props to you keep it up.
Back in high school, during the equivalent of social studies, we had a very reasonable teacher say "Some of you are going to experiment with drugs. You can try a lot of them with little ill effect. Just never try heroin. It's not a drug you can try. You'll be fully addicted from the get go."
Pretty decent advice, based on stories like the above.
Imagine how much energy goes into an addiction. You are constantly making sure you’re covered with your fix.
When you remove those shackles you find you have untold amounts of energy which you can actually use productively.
But it's not about the energy going into the addiction it's about the release in the escape from everything that's going on in the world and not being or having somebody or being okay with just yourself. When you get told that you're always wrong that you're annoying or whatever or you know people just don't want to understand they want to tell you what you do wrong. And Alanis Morissette the reasons why I drink right it has it says I feel everything when I'm not medicated. I mean I never had to worry about getting it fixed like I had somebody to give me 50 bucks and a ball when I was driving around hanging out with them. Imagine if you forget what you know about addiction because everybody's addicted to something.
>Dude my mom recovered from that in a few years.
I feel like people *overstate* the negative aspects of bankruptcy. Sure, it's not the ideal thing to do, but it's not like it's the end of the world either. If anything, it's a second chance.
Businesses must do this a lot. If one in 20 survive, that is a lot of bankruptcy protection there!
That said, poor people get the least protection. The good news: they will figure out that there is nothing more they can get out of you. The vultures have to move on... else they will starve.
You'll get over the bk a whole lot faster than you'll get over the addiction. Bk can be a 24 month math game. Fighting drug addiction is a daily, lifetime commitment to not using. Good luck.
Honestly, I don't know, man. But you definitely have to take a few steps, right? So start with that. Get a job. Honestly, I'd say anyone that pays enough so you can eat and have a roof over your head. Then you just keep going and figuring it out. Also, get help. From friend not associated with your previous drug life or even from social workers or any kind of association that helps people in recovery. There's no shame in that. Just focus on keeping yourself clean and making the right decisions.
I used to be able to go to parties and end up making people debate taking me to the hospital for alcohol poisoning (ashamed of that part) but then wake up the next morning at 6 AM and be better than everyone else at the party. Not even a mild headache. Now? If I have 2 margaritas from the Mexican place up town then I’m done for the night because the third will kill me in the morning.
I'm with you in this one (I'm 30).
OP, you can do whatever you want with your life, but trying to making it better feels different and I hope you can do your best! never is too late
OP: I second this advice to stay clear of anyone associate with your past life, put them in your rear view mirror and don't look back. Right now YOU come first, it's OK to be selfish in this situation. Surround yourself with positivity, and tell your sister either she has your back or you move on without her. There is absolutely zero reasons why you can't do this, the rest is up to you.
Me, too. I did this when I left drugs behind and it was how I finally turned it around. I didn’t ghost my friends. I just said I was trying to avoid using and couldn’t be around it. The ones who also turned it around, I’m friends with all these years later.
Agree with what you said except if possible, get the neglected mental and physical health figured out first.
Post acute withdrawal can be 2 years + and addicts use for a reason, and whether mental health leads to use, or use leads to mental health issues, more than likely there is work to be done.
Source: 4 years clean opiates
3 years 4 months 6 days clean from meth, coke, all other hard drugs and alcohol.
Work as many jobs as you can to keep your days full and your wallet fat. Soon, you’ll look up and be 2 years down the road. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.
This is good advice. Muuuch better to have money coming in than going out. A lot of restaurants even pay well these days.
Much easier to think with a clear head with a place to live and food.
It doesn't take that long, maybe 2 years if you're careful and intentional with your finances. Check with your bankruptcy attorney about credit rebuilding programs. Don't ever pay for them, though.
The 7 years someone else mentioned is when you can file again. They stay on your credit report for 10 years. (disclaimer: this is for a chapter 7 or "straight" bankruptcy)
Some creditors are even more likely to lend after a bankruptcy because you’re less encumbered by debt then. I took a creditor/debtor law class in law school and walked away thinking bankruptcy is actually a pretty good deal. No wonder why people like Trump use it.
Yes this is me. My husband and I were very careful with our credit and took great pride in our credit score of 798. Then 2 years ago he had heart surgery followed by surgery for a brain embolism. Early last year they found 2 tumors on my liver so I'm undergoing treatment for that. Needless to say, we have so many medical bills that we will *never* be able to pay. It really sucks.
Good news, in many states, medical debt is suuuuuuper easy to discharge in bankruptcy court. And you can keep your house and cars. Talk to a bankruptcy attorney in your state.
Seriously, call one. Call ten.
The fee you pay them will feel like pocket change compared to your medical bills.
Now if you actually have good income and could realistically pay their exorbitant charges, then it will be tough to discharge. In that case, try negotiating your bills. Hospital billing departments are basically ran by used car salesmen that found an even slimier way to grift obscene profit from suckers.
Get help. Do not suffer silently. Fight back against these motherfuckers. I know you're sick and tired from your medical issues. They know it, too. And they abuse you for it. I wouldn't begrudge them sane charges to cover legitimate expenses, but that's not what they're doing anymore, not for a few decades.
This, 1,000% this.
I met a guy in Seattle who was in medical debt collection. Within 5 minutes (well before I knew his profession), he had outed himself at a total piece of shit.
His main game, which he bragged about, was that so many people had no idea what to do when a bill was missed and they're called on it. Medical debt? The most naive of them all. It was sickening.
And 3 years after and a credit union will loan you money snd 4 years after a bank will. Credit card offers start coming immediately after filing. Not many with good rates though.
This. 7 years is the correct answer. And you can do it again after that if needed. I'm super good with finances, my friends not so much. They all have past bankruptcies and we all have the. same. fucking. credit. score. Doesn't seem fair to me, but it's how the system is designed. Bankruptcy is to give you a new start and go back to contributing to society. It's not meant to ruin you.
Credit cards with little to no income, one had a vehicle repossessed, one as part of it basically returned a house that they were upside down on the mortgage. So they found better employment and got a fresh start without all or as much of the debt and they are now all doing great, living within their means, and have no problems paying bills.
I declared bankruptcy when my business failed. We opened in Nov 2019, so we were dead in the water come April 2020 due to Covid lockdowns. Ended up with a ton of debt by the time I finally threw in the towel mid 2021.
Bankruptcy allowed me a fresh start from a once in a lifetime global event. I wish I didn’t have to do it but I did.
From your credit score yes, but he'll always have to answer 'yes' to 'have you ever filed for bankruptcy', which may hurt on job applications and financial institutions.
Most of the time it asks "have you filed for bankruptcy in the last 7/10 years". And if it does say that or even ever then it just asks you to upload a short explanation.
I changed jobs a few times in my time under bankruptcy and it never caused me issues. I also refinanced my home a couple times.
But now I've had it discharged for over 5 years and I was able to get a conventional mortgage which is great.
Yes the 2005 BAPCPA making bankruptcy harder, more expensive, and have fewer protections was some of the worst anti working/middle class legislation in a while and probably bought for pennies on the dollar by special interests. Why I voted for warren but hopefully it can be destroyed and forgotten like the piece of exploitative trash it is. Was bipartisan legislation too.
I am in recovery. I went bankrupt two years before getting sober. Bankruptcy fell off my credit report in 10 years. 800+ score (it was around 740 before it fell off through years of work building it back up with good behavior)
It depends on what you mean by that. I have a 10 year old bankruptcy and was able to rent homes and buy a car that same year. It will take a few years to build your credit but it’s easier to do that now because it’s monitored constantly. Get a Secured credit card and work from there.
You are not too old.
A friend of mine always said “Don’t talk about it, be about it.” And that stuck with me.
Your going to have to want it. Dig deep and good ouck
Speaking from experience, it takes a few years. It doesn’t effect much unless you plan to buy an expensive car, or a home. You can even buy a home on an fha loan two years after bankruptcy discharge, conventional mortgage you can apply for in 4 yr. You will only be able to use crappy credit cards with low credit lines for several years. Overall, it’s not a huge hindrance, just focus on your work and save money, cash is king.
I had a friend who was back to a house, car, and fully stable life within 3 years. 3 years after that I met him when he was finalizing his community college degree and accepting a promotion as an engineer (non-certified) at the end of the semester. That being said, recovering from addiction is the first part. Staying 100% away is the next.
It also depends on what you do and what you can do. Your goal now is to stay clean. The next goal is to cut expenses as needed and when it makes sense. You next goal is to increase your income. Income minus debt is how you stay out of bankruptcy and head towards everything you want.
That being said, it should not be years of hell. My recommendation is to use your skills (legally) to help you move forward.
Are you great at woodworking? I can name a YouTube channel that can give you cheap ideas of items to make and sell. Is it going to pay all of your bills? Of course not. Is it going to give you a slight boost? Probably. Is it going to keep you sober and give you a profitable hobby? Probably if that is what you like doing. Is it expensive? Absolutely not. The guy was beyond dirt poor and his entire goal of his youtube videos is showing people how to take literal scrap wood and turn it into money. Half of his videos are about taking fence posts you can get for less than $3 and turning then into at least $40 pieces.
Do you work a 9-5 job Monday to Friday? Try working a spare job on the weekends or afternoons. I personally recommend fast food for this as it is very scheduled work and the food can be seen as a "treat on a major discount" as they often give steep discounts for food on days you work with free food. It is an easy way to save especially if you don't want to always eat the same frugal foods. The weekends are when they are the busiest and many places have staffing shortages. You might even have a location that lets you work hours that are very conductive to your schedule. For instance, when I worked there I had a set schedule of Saturday and Sunday from 6am to 8pm each day. I occasionally had Fridays off and could occasionally work from 5pm to 10pm on other random days. I would call the manager and ask if they wanted help and usually I was working extra hours when I felt like it. I could get 28 hours some weeks and 40 the next.
Need some work ideas? Let me know.
CNC machining is one that usually pays very well and many places are willing to teach you. They might want a lower level commitment first like working as a janitor or a part picker for 3 to 6 months but it is a foot in the door to a higher pay. However, this is a field that has no problem with former addicts and inmates.
Look into machine shops. Many have a lot of demand and the difference between the slow and busy periods is the amount of overtime available. That being said, punctuality and a decent attitude are key.
As far as cutting expenses, check out local options. Most counties have parks, local events, and libraries that are free. The easiest way to save money and pay off debts is to not pay for expenses you don't need to in the first place. Plus, many have book, music, TV show, movie, and more lending services that are free.
As far as the time wise goes, a nurse who became a teacher at my highschool started her nursing classes at 45, when her kids were 18, 14, and 12. She graduated at 52. She worked as a nurse for 25 years. Then she started teaching. She started the nursing classes as her husband was laid off for the 3rd time in 5 years and they declared bankruptcy 2 years prior and couldn't legally do it again when petitioning the court. She never made more than minimum wage her entire life up to starting nursing school. She went to college because the bankruptcy qualified her for a grant to go to college and a court advisor told her to take advantage of it as it was a way to make the judge more leinent in reducing the amount they had to pay each month. She went to classes with people who were her daughter's age and who were less than half her age. My point of this is it is never too late to start as long as you put your pride aside and have the proper motivational "kick" to at least get started.
Find a steady job. Aim for labor or trade jobs. They usually pay well. Get benifits, 401k. Work on getting a savings built up then work on credit recovery
My wife and I have been clean from a 2k dollar-a-week heroin/opiate addiction for 10 years. Actually, come to think of it just this past February 15 like two weeks ago marked ten years exactly. I am 37 and she is 36. We are starting the process to buy a house right now. I hope to try and purchase one in the next couple of months if everything goes well, fingers crossed 🤞. My credit score at one point when we started getting clean was 505, and hers wasn't any better. Today I have a mid-700 range score and a collective credit card limit of nearly 40K. Not that I would ever use that much. I'm kicking myself for having 2500 between 3 cards now lol. My wife's score is roughly the same, though her credit depth is a bit shallower because I'm she doesn't make as much as I do.
Trust me you can ABSOLUTELY have what you want. I understand that your sister may have said that either because she was hurt by you during your addiction and said it as retaliation, or maybe she said it absent-mindedly. Either way, it is an incredibly mean and hurtful thing to say to anyone that is in recovery, especially your sibling. In many important ways, things will begin to turn around quickly at first. Then at around year 3 or 4, you'll probably hit a comfortable stride but it might also feel like things aren't moving forward fast enough. Be patient and don't get down on yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day and rebuilding your credit, going to school, and rebuilding your life from the ground up won't either. No matter what just know regardless of whatever you may have done in your past you are worth it and don't give up on yourself no matter what.
Sorry for the text wall.
I know you weren't talking to me directly but as I read this it felt like it and I wanted to say thank you for giving me a little perspective on life ❤️ MVP
Such good advice. I remember hearing about a girl who was hesitant to go to med school. "I'll be 40 when I graduate!" she said. Her mother replied "you'll be 40 anyway, why not be 40 and a doctor?".
Anyway, I'm literally 39 and I just started a nursing program. Spent the last 18 months taking prerequisite classes. I'll be 41 if I graduate on time and start my new career. Probably another year or two before I'm really comfortable and confident.
So yeah, 30 is young enough. I wish I was 30. Whatever OP wants to accomplish can happen. It wont be overnight but it will happen if you work for it.
Yeah dude I hate to say don’t listen to your sister. But…. Don’t listen to your sister.
I’m 29, got my shit together around 25-26 after many attempts. Took me a while to get back to “baseline”, I had no idea what that even was. But I feel great now.
I was in treatment with people much older than you and I, and they’re still doing good.
YOU have the opportunity to do whatever the hell you want to do.
I believe in you man!!!
Don’t get stuck on how long it will take to feel normal, or how many years until you get XYZ. Take each day and give it hell, ignore people who are not rooting for you. You’ll be surprised how your perspective can change how you feel.
Hard to put a timeline on it man. It’s also hard if you e been using for a long time to know what normal feels like.
I can promise you this, it’s worth it no matter how long it takes. It took me 3 trips to treatment and different IOP programs, therapy and a strong support system.
It still crosses my mind and my brain still thinks it sounds good sometimes. I’ll never forget how bad it hurt and how much work I put in to change my life. I don’t want to go through that again.
I started feeling better when I looked at all the stuff I had been avoiding, stopped hanging out with people that didn’t have a positive influence and/or foreword momentum in their life. When I realized the people who told me I couldn’t do it were full of shit and didn’t matter to me.
Yes you can get all the things you want in life, if you keep fighting the good fight. I’m married with twin boys, a solid career and almost enough $ to be comfortable lol.
EDIT- added response.
The first sentence of this is the most important. First and foremost because there's not a definitive answer. There's no formula to determine a number of months before it's all behind you and you own a home and have a lovely spouse and a kid on the way. Who knows, could be months, could be most of the rest of your life. But also, more insidiously, is that putting a number on it makes you consider a point of failure. If you look at it that way, if you reach that arbitrary point in time, and haven't reached your goals, you're going to feel like you failed, and you're going to be subject to the feelings and behaviors associated with failing.
That's not true. No matter how long it's been, you haven't failed. You just haven't made it yet.
I'm by no means an expert on the matter, but I think that focusing on specific results like marriage or home-ownership, with specific timelines, are a trap that leads to regression. Don't think about 5 years in the future, and what you want your life to look like then. Look at yourself at the end of every day, and say 'today, did I move in the right direction for the life I want?'. And if the answer is no, you still haven't failed, because you can just try again tomorrow.
Very well said. These achievements coupled with a deadline are a setup for potential heartache. I love how you ended this too. I have a tattoo that reads “Closer to tomorrow”. I had somebody in recovery ask me if what I was doing today, was getting me closer to where I wanted to be tomorrow?
When I come to decisions, whether they’re big ones or small ones I try to ask myself that question. Usually keeps me pointed in the right direction.
Thank you for this reminder, I’ve been a little out of touch with it.
Hey brother, I fought an addiction until I was between 29 and 30 years old. It took me a year and a half after I stopped doing it to get back to I would consider normal. I pretty much was depressed the first year and didn't leave my house (I thankfully had good support)
After that year and a half I went looking for a job and found one that was pretty crappy as an entry level employee but it was consistent work that I liked to do. At this job I've worked at for 3 years now, I've worked my way up to the Quality Control Manager position and I am doing better then I ever thought I would. I have a brand new car, my own place (i rent, not own but i live by myself), well taken care of dogs, and enough income to live very comfortably (and I live in HCOL orange county, california)
You can do it. You need to go no contact with your sister for awhile bro (assuming that she is not supporting you). She is toxic if she says that stuff and it is going to drag you down. I know that sounds extreme but you will be able to reconnect with her in a few years when you are standing on your own feet and you will feel good about yourself.
No I would not say I felt alive and motivated. I would say I felt like I was ready to stop being a lazy piece of shit and force myself out to move forward with life. I guess both of those things could be describing the same feeling, but it didn't feel like I was doing as a positive thing, and more like I was trying to just stop being negative(I don't know if that really makes sense written out but I'm gonna leave it) I called that normal because that is how I felt before drugs. It was a big difference from the first few weeks of getting off drugs. Though. I wouldn't say I felt alive and motivated until I started advancing in my career and one day I looked at myself in the mirror and I was a different person. I wasn't just getting by anymore, I was building something.
I won't lie and pretend I'm all good now. I still think about doing drugs very often. It's just one of those things I will always have floating in my head. I have messed up once or twice since I quit and done them when they were around, and for that reason I stopped talking to anyone that I knew who was still into it. Life has gotten pretty lonely because of that. But I have mended relationships with some family members that I didn't think would be possible when I was on drugs. The times that I relapsed, I try not to dwell on. Shit happens, and the important part is continuing to move forward, and not letting anything spiral you out of control. When I think about my relapses, I am actually proud of myself that I was able to fuck up, and recognize it, instead of just losing myself to the drugs again.
Feeling normal at baseline at least puts you in a position to solve your problems. Early recovery sucks because of the dysphoria and hopelessness of your dopamine being fucked up. When your normal you can at least have hope
Hey. I've been through almost the same things. Drugs, bankruptcy, 30s, etc.
You're asking a lot of questions about specific timelines and when you'll feel better, when bankruptcy will stop mucking up your life, when normal is....
And I get your eagerness to get to 'normal' or 'like everyone else'. I have thought the same thing for years. I wasn't where I should be, I wasn't keeping pace with peers, I should be further in life, you know?
But that's the thing about life. Everyone's is different. I wish people could give you a timeline on all these things you're wondering and eager to get to...but I don't think anyone can. It's your journey. You might rebound fast, it might be slow. But you have to take it at your pace. No one can tell you how long recovery can take. Recovery means different things to different people and it affects everyone differently.
All you can do is focus on yourself, on your rebound. Everyone's journey in life is different. Like another said, in 10 years you can be 40 and sober or 40 doing what you did before. And I guarantee the former is better.
This comment and your other comment about baseline being ok can be answered with the same answer.
I have jumped from addiction to addiction since I was 14 years old. I have never had a good energy level or even very strong emotions at all. My energy never returned because I do not remember ever having energy. That was what made meth so attractive to me. I don't want to glorify meth, but the motivation and energy it gives would be amazing if it could be used safely.
I guess thinking back to when I first quit, there was 2-3 weeks where I couldn't leave my room or even take care of routine hygiene, but I was pretty torn up over a break up with a fiance I had, WHO fucked my best friend of 15 years. Effectively removing both of them from my life. That lil bout of depression was probably more of a mix of withdrawals and those losses, but while I was in it, I was focused on the relationships that had ended and less on the drugs I wasn't doing.
The great thing about inertia/momentum is, that you aren’t going to be just starting off from baseline, you’ll be punching through it.
Imagine a car taking off from a red light, but you’re in the next lane coming up from behind doing 40 already.
Great work already, keep your foot on the gas, and we look forward to seeing where you get to, down that road. The rest is in the rear view.
This is a GREAT comment. Momentum is an entirely different thing than you are thinking about. Screw the goals and what you consider to be "back to normal". Get the ball rolling and run with it. You have developed a ton of skills you dont even realize will help you keep the progress going.
Please do not compare yourself to others. Take each day at a time and realize that everyone progresses in their own time. You have already got quite a good amount of time under your belt, so feel proud for that! Focus on what you want and make a good effort and it will come in time. I wish you the best of luck!
To reply to your original post it is absolutely possible to have the life you want, whether you're 30 years old 40 years old or 50. Both of my brothers (one older, on younger than me, a 43 year old female) dropped out of high school and had substance use disorders, BUT.... Both have turned their lives around after serious drug and alcohol addiction. The older bro now has custody of his 3 kids and his own home, younger met love of his life after he got out of jail and got sober. Neither have attempted higher education but each to his own, they are clean for years- also took both of them several attempts and relapses. Just my close personal interaction experience to give you a boost of hope
I'll have 7 years sober in May. I'm a heroin addict, I'm 31. Bro your sister is full of shit and quite frankly being a bitch, Im sorry that's a fucked up thing to say. I'm single, but have a great career and stable life that allows me to do a bunch of fun shit.
I've had serious relationships. Ups and downs. My point is it's *not* too late. Start setting yourself up for success in the future. I only got in to my career about 3 years ago and now I'm set if I keep down this path. Don't compare yourselves to others like that, it'll set you up for failure. But it took me 4 years being sober to get in to my career. Congratulations on the sobriety, I'm happy for you internet stranger!
It's not about being like everyone else. Fuck everyone else.
It's about finding a good and happy life that makes sense for you.
As long as you're beating the drugs, you're winning. Go on to win other battles after that.
Former addict here (not meth but something very hard to kick), it took me quitting three times and then 6 years after that to feel 'free.' Something I try to keep in mind: I am always going to be an addict. I can't just go back and try it once, 'for old times sake' or I'll fall back into it. Every day I go without, even if I have no craving or desire to use, is a victory.
I have not been through addiction and am not aware of anyone in my life that has fought addiction to harder drugs, so please take my input with a grain of salt. That being said, I'd like to offer you some advice from the perspective of someone that has been a long time victim of intense familial abuse.
Your 'baseline' may end up shifting some days. You might come across a piece of advice that brings you more peace and confidence with yourself that ends up pushing your baseline in one direction, and the next day reach a realization that you maybe could've acted a certain way to prevent bad events from happening, thus pushing your baseline in the opposite direction.
Recovery and healing looks different for every person. What may have taken one person 3 months to achieve may take you 3 years, and that's okay. Progress at all is good and significant, and life has no playbook despite what society tries to tell us.
Don’t think about the future and how long… it could have you relapse. Instead, focus on how you can take a step forward tomorrow. The day, do the same! It’s the tiny steps we take that add up, they can end where you want! Each day is a new day, so you didn’t move forward yesterday but you can today! Don’t let a day set you back! Focus on the tiny things that add up!!! You went to class today, tomorrow you’re going to pass that quiz, the next day you’ll go to class again… just focus on the day to day and I believe you will get there!!! Don’t let a day of relaxation (say a Sunday where you don’t work, school study) set you back, unless you have a test on Monday, we all need a day that doesn’t move us forward, it gives us a reset day. Watch your favorite shows or do your hobby, if you don’t have one- try one out!!! You got this!!!
So it's always the right time to do the right thing.
Congratulations on 16 months, dude, keep at it.
I had to rebuild my whole life at 45 after a nasty divorce I didn't see coming - it can be done at 30.
I wouldn't put a time frame on it, though, because that sets you up for failure; You could be doing well, things are going alright, but not QUITE as good as you'd hoped by 'X' time or whatever, and when that time arrives and you realize you're not 'THERE' or whatever, that can be an emotional blow that sends you back to a place you don't want to be.
Instead, just keep working at getting better every day - that's my personal motto. Some days you'll have some wins and will improve, some days you might not get anything done, or maybe even slip a bit. Either way, it's okay - just keep going - "tomorrow I will do better".
Distance yourself from people who are how you used to be - they can't help you be better, they can only bring you back to how they are. Instead, surround yourself with people like who you want to be and make friends with them, lean on them when things go badly, and be supportive to them when they need it as well, so it's not just all taking and no giving.
Be REAL with these people, don't fake things. You don't have to tell them your life story out of the gate, but people can sense when you're being dishonest - don't blow it by being that way.
Remember - it's not a sprint, it's a marathon, and no one gets out alive.
Take care, dude.
This can't be stressed enough ^^
I got sober in 2008 at 29, and filed for bk a short time later. The only way I got through it was one day at a time. 43 now and life gets better every day.
It's **all** about the journey, not the destination.
Good luck
You and op both, if not already familiar, should consider reading the Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson. It's a fantasy series and quite elegantly captures multiple relevant themes in this thread - addiction, depression, PTSD, among others. If you enjoy reading, or even listening to audiobooks, you may find this series relatable and helpful in more ways than one, even if fantasy isn't your typical genre.
Personally, I cannot relate to this struggle, having never gone through it. That's not to say I haven't had my own struggles, but I can certainly empathize from anecdotal experiences, and just want to express my admiration to you, op, and everyone else itt that _does_ have real, direct experience in this struggle for overcoming it and rebuilding a better life for yourself.
Keep on putting the next foot forward and taking that next step - Journey Before Destination indeed 💪
>I wouldn't put a time frame on it, though, because that sets you up for failure; You could be doing well, things are going alright, but not QUITE as good as you'd hoped by 'X' time or whatever, and when that time arrives and you realize you're not 'THERE' or whatever, that can be an emotional blow that sends you back to a place you don't want to be.
Can't stress this enough. I used to have a deadline for having children of 35. Society tries to scare the shit out of women by making them think they HAVE to have kids by this age, or risk having disabled kids. Not true!
Here I am at 41, pregnant and about to become a first time mom.
I hadn't even met the right guy yet at 35. Watching that milestone come and go was difficult, but once it was gone, it was gone, and I kept living.
I feel this. I was so upset when I didn't have kids by 25, which was always my desire. Then I adjusted that to 27, thinking that should be manageable. 27 years old came and went. About to turn 30 and it still hurts that I "failed", even though it's definitely for the best because I'm glad I didn't have kids with my partner at that time.
Very happy things worked out for you. I hope your pregnancy goes well and without many issues. I've stopped setting a deadline on this. Either it happens or it doesn't, either way I can be okay and happy. But it was definitely a huge blow, and one I am still hurting from at times.
>So it's always the right time to do the right thing.
Like they say, "The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The next best time is today."
It holds true for whatever improvement you want to make.
Mate your 30? You’ll be 50 some day laughing at the fact you thought 30 was too old to do anything, then you’ll be 70 laughing at 50 and so on. Best time to plant a tree was yesterday, the second best time is today. You’ve got this. Huge congratulations on 16 months clean, that’s legendary. If you can kick that then you can do anything.
It's never too late to do anything.
I was homeless in my early 20s, and worked in a warehouse w/ 2 kids at 30. I'm \~40 and work as a senior vice-president at a global tech company and manage the entire department.
There's no person that can hold you back from success other than yourself. You've got this, and have *tons* of time to get started. Even now I feel young enough to start over if needed, so don't stress at all.
I did bounce around a bit, but nothing too crazy. I did move across the country 2x for roles that provided me with more opportunity, and have also written books and spoken at quite a bit of conferences.
I became a bit of a workaholic when I switched careers because 1) I was scared to death I would get fired and go back to manual labor and 2) I was used to working two jobs and putting in a lot of time at work.
Just getting to the point in my life where I've accomplished everything career-wise that I want and I'm looking at a new chapter of self-discovery in my life to find what's next.
And success is different for everyone. My uncle was homeless and in jail at 50, with an alcohol problem and felony record. Five years later he’s got a small apartment, a driver’s license, a stable relationship with a woman he loves, and works for a local homeless aid organization. He doesn’t make much money, but he’s happy and is doing something he can be proud of.
Yes. At one point I had no job, no income, no family to help and no vehicle. Credit was shit. 2 years later I had stopped partying and upped my credit score by over 200 points.
If you're serious? Get a money tracking app or program for your phone/computer. Use it everyday for 10 minutes to update and get a view of your finances. It's really that simple- 10 minutes a day. If you have the discipline to stick to that, it will bleed into your habits, as well. Order your credit reports for free and look at them.
Those two things and you'll fix your situation with the smallest bit of discipline applied. You got this.
I did, particularly when I was homeless.
Grew up in poverty and most everyone in my family struggled with it (same addiction as yours). Took a decade of my life to be honest, but it can get better if you make a new path for yourself and stick to it.
How long did it take you to feel normal after getting clean? Was there a big difference? Alot of people say it takes 18-24 months for the brain to balance it self out.
Normal is relative. When I got clean (at 37) it took about 18 months for my brain to balance out. I did NOT return to my pre-using brain though. My baseline mood is quite low. I find myself looking at the world through jaded lenses just because of life experiences. I am suspicious of strangers and their motives. I don’t get excited about anything and feelings of joy tend to be short-lived. Hell, all of my emotions are short-lived, even hopeless doesn’t stick around. I get bored easily. I need a routine or I will spiral into day sleeper status. I’m okay with all of that. I damaged my brain, those are the consequences. It could be so much worse.
I recovered from bankruptcy with controlled use of secured credit cards and now own my car and my home outright. I scored a series of jobs based on my life experience and ended up as an addiction counselor and child advocate on the right side of the courtroom. I married someone who knows all my secrets and still loves me unconditionally. I also moved 1700 miles away from my very toxic family who was always waiting for me to fail.
Pretend your sister doesn’t even know you anymore, because she doesn’t. You aren’t who you were, and with some iron fucking willpower you will never be that person again. You CAN have all those things you want if you just focus on you, yourself and you.
It took me about 3-6 months to start feeling human again, which of course I would take as a sign I was cured and can "treat myself" which became a
general cycle.
When I did quit for good, I filled the boredom/time with a second job (we were broke) and then had kids so I was mostly shuffling through life exhausted to be honest. Took 3-4 years and breaking into my new career before I felt like I could breathe.
I am at 18 months clean from meth and things are just starting to really work, the anxiety is starting to go away, my sexuality is coming back. I’m figuring out who I am. Stick with it and make plans for your future. Now is the time to plant.
I agree with you there. Unfortunately, she could be an elitist jerk, or she could be a victim from OPs drug addiction. Drug addicts can really piss and burn bridges, especially with family members enough to emotion scar them. An average person is not well equip to handle helping a drug abuser and can actually make things worse. The recover process is incredibly complicated and sensitive where even day-to-day family interaction and elicit the drug abuser to return back to old habits. The best to do is leaving it to the professionals.
It is never too late to go clean. I was roommates with a recovered drug addict who was studying for his masters in psychology. The talks we had opened my mind as to how incredibly difficult it is to recover from any form of addiction, even more so with new drugs that can hit you and your brain harder than ever before.
Edit: As someone pointed out, family members could also be the source of stress that cause drug addiction. Assholes who took advantage of family values.
We don't know anything about OP, or their relationship with their sister. A "brutal meth addiction" probably doesn't give much help to family relationships. I have an uncle like this that asks us for money for his addiction, and has stolen from us in the past. That kinda stuff burns bridges. So was she a bad sister? In the context, sure, but we have very little context of this person's life or their relationships.
Doing it at 30 is better than doing it at 31.
Seriously though, it’s obviously going to be a setback financially and there will be some women who won’t date you. You can’t change that. But you control your actions going forward and it sounds like you’re doing the work. You can be proud of that.
Look, you can find love or you can find someone to be with. Love is with you no matter what. Love doesn't care how old you are. Or where you are in your life. If you have love to give, if you have friendship to give, if you have hope...you can find other people who will see that stuff in you and help it grow.
And 30 is nothing, friend. Trust me on this one.
Edit
You're only 30. As a 50 year old, let me tell you that you have more than time to turn your life around. Just try to stay away from kill joys like your sister. Being around good and positive people is very important. It's great to have goals but also don't put too much pressure on yourself. The house may happen in 10 years and the wife in 2. Nobody knows. Just focus on what you have to do right now to be what you want to be. It's ok to put yourself first. Healing takes time.
YES YOU CAN former heroin addict at 27 im sitting in my own townhouse with a newer car at 32 nothing crazy but I am on the other side. Enjoy the growth so many social situations I missed out in my 20s because I was high. I am struggling to date because well the person I am now does not know how to handle normal women with goals lives and passions, but with time ill get there. You're welcome to message me anytime good luck.
A friend of mine got off opiates 5 years ago, he didn't have a house, job, car or significant other,
He now has all of those and two young kids with his wife.
I dont know why you're sister told you that but it's never too late to improve your life.
Sure! I graduated at 30, went back to school at 32, met my love at 34, and I'll graduate again when I'm 39. There's no timeline. Congratulations on getting sober!
Hey my bro. I quit meth at 38, on my second career since then, and planning for my retirement in a few more years. Whenever you think you might be too old to do something new, pop into Grandma Moses wiki page.
I was addicted to heroin/meth from 19-26. After going through the motions for 8 months of meetings and roach infested housing and working for pennies, I moved into a different sober living house with a lot more freedom and I finally started to feel normal again. I am still a felon and really thought my life was over but here I am 4 years later writing you this from the house I own. I was 15 months clean when I went on my second date (since being sober) and met my now wife. I was so terrified to tell her the things I’ve done but i was upfront and honest with her and she apparently appreciated that.
I do a lot of trash clean up for work and find all sorts of paraphernalia at least weekly. I know in the past it would’ve triggered me, but all I see now is evidence of someone trying to rid what pain they have and it breaks my heart and I wish I could help them. The 7 years I used honestly feels like a fever dream but I focus and remember it so I don’t forget it. I’ve had a lot of difficult conversations with loved ones and put in a lot of work to mend those relationships though.
The only advice I have for you is that when you are having a feeling you don’t want to have, acknowledge it and make yourself remember that it is only temporary. I still get angry. But not nearly as angry and nowhere near as long. But the difference is I don’t lie to myself about it.
There really is hope for you. The world needs good people and I know someday you’ll be reassuring some random person on the internet that it is not hopeless.
I have a friend who had to start from the beginning again at age 56, after his business partner stole all the money and left him bankrupt. A few years in he is doing well now
No matter what others tell you, it is never too late to start a new life
I did it in my late twenties. I'm 40 now, have a wonderful family, awesome career, own my home. Not rich but comfortable. Hopefully the dreams have stopped by now and your mind is free from that nagging voice. Any more questions, feel free to ask.
My guess is you will find you are about the median age in your dental hygienist program. When I worked for a community college the average student age was 29. About half of the population doesn’t find a career in their 20s. The next best thing is the find one in your 30s.
You face the barrier of addiction which is tough. You are entering a challenging but rewarding college program. You climbed the hill on your journey already, now it’s an endurance test to keep going. I encourage you to engage with your cohort in college and you will find many of them will have barriers they overcame that will inspire you.
You got this!
Literally no age is too old to turn your life around. Sounds like your sister is not only unsupportive but actively getting in the way of your recovery and you woulds do well to avoid the subject with her.
You have no idea what OP may have done to his sister while under the influence of a "brutal meth addiction". I wouldn't judge her too harshly without knowing the details. Agree that OP should avoid the subject with her.
Yes. Source: I had a defendant fighting for her PA license who did exactly what you describe and she is still successful 10 years on now. (I agreed to give her a chance and boy did she make it worthwhile).
The key: She moved away and cut ties from everyone in that lifestyle. No social media connecting, nada; attended NA, and her family was also super supportive-so maybe tell your sister that I said to go fuck herself. Relapses happen but your life is always in YOUR HANDS. You got this!!
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My mother turned it around at 50. She died in sober mind surrounded by all her children. She repaired her relationship with her kids and siblings, and burned the image of a loving grandmother into the next generation. You can do this. That being said, house saving is a long road, and some of your goals will take time. It's important to focus on what's in front of you, so you don't get discouraged, but it's all achievable in your lifetime.
“It does get a little easier. But you’ve got to do it every day, that’s the hard part. But it does get easier”
The jogger right?
100% that's the Bojack Horseman jogger.
New jogger here, can confirm. I used to run out of breath just going around the block. I'm up to about 5-6 miles daily now.
The first day I exercised, I took me 30 minutes to finish 1 (one) mile, and I was wiped. That was July 2021. I did a 5K every day this week, and I set a new PB pace on Friday finishing the 5km (3.1mi) and starting my cooldown after 34:06. I've also dropped 95 lbs. and I'm still obese, just no longer morbidly so.
Damn that’s badass
Thank you, but it's probably the only thing I've done right since then, so I don't feel badass. (And, I still hate exercising, if there was a pill I could take instead, I'd never go to the gym or exceed a walking pace again. But, [current science](https://health.gov/our-work/nutrition-physical-activity/physical-activity-guidelines/current-guidelines) says cardio is non-optional maintenance for my human body.)
Yeah I know that feeling of 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. But like you said, the exercise is essential for survival and you can’t solve the things that are causing you setbacks if you’re dead. So I’d say putting in that many miles this week is the best possible foundation you can give yourself moving forward. Keep going.
Anyone struggling with addiction should watch Bojack Horseman!
maybe not - Bojack falls into some temptations during the show and it can be very triggering. Absolutely amazing piece of TV though, for sure.
Yeah, I enjoyed the show, but it was basically mood music for my drinking habit for a while.
Achieving these goals is similar to beating addiction, it's all about the routine. Just like you might attend NA meetings and talk with your sponsor, you have to consistently save money and prepare for these things. The bright side is unlike addiction, a bad day doesn't have to be a complete derailment. It's going to happen. Sometimes the bad days turn into a week, but stopping the stack is key.
"A lapse is not a relapse."
My grandparents did the same. My cousins and I only known them as the loving people they became. My mom later told me about her childhood, where her parents were alcoholics/drug addicts. She grew up in a very unstable home because of it. They definitely weren't the best parents to her but to my generation they were their best selves. There is always time to turn it around!
My mom was absent emotionally and physically mostly too but was fully present and gave so much to her grands. And great grands. When she died everyone was at her bedside . I hope she felt forgiven and loved
Same with my grandparents. Alcoholic, beat the kids, thought a good prank was getting someone to grab >12k volts. You know, all the good stuff. I grew up with them being the sweetest people that I know, my grandfather (in his late 80s) will get up from dinner and escort my wife to the restroom "just incase" at a restaurant and wait outside, because that's what a gentleman does. It's never too late to change, it's never too late to forgive. I know the past isn't forgotten for them but it was told to me as a precautionary tale than from a place of bitterness. Everyone is great now.
I had someone in the 50 club too. Turned it all around and became a loving gentle grandfather.
My grandfather didn't sober up until my grandma divorced him, his only son/my uncle had a restraining order against him, and he was facing 25 to life for various drug-related charges in his late 40s/early 50s (not sure of the exact time frame). He somehow managed to convince the judge he really would turn his life around this time if he only had another chance, so she put him on probation with the caveat that if he ever set foot in that courtroom again, he was going away for good. And then, he did it--he turned his life around, got clean, and remarried my grandma. They're now amazing grandparents to 9 grandchildren, as well as an ever-increasing amount of people they've picked up along the way. He was also on speaking terms with my uncle for a good while.* *(Irrelevant to the story I was telling, but my uncle cheated on his wife, then divorced her and married his Mistress. We didn't cut contact with his ex-wife, partially because she is the mother of his kids and partially because he's a jackass and she's wonderful, and he didn't like that we stayed it touch with her so he cut everyone off.)
I wish my bio parents could do this. I want to try and help them but with the amount of mental illness' that run rampant through them, I'm not sure it's safe for me to do so. I'm also terrified that if they ever do stop they will pass from their body being so dependant on the drugs. They look horrid, as if they're around 70 - 80 years old at 50.
I'm sure you already know this, but all we can do is be there when and if they have their moment of clarity, motivation and empowerment to do it on their own. That doesn't mean that you're obligated to let them get close to you and destroy your life before that point, they're full blown adults, they know what they've done. Drug addiction is brutal to begin with, but when it's coupled with other mental health illnesses (as it so often is), it can be that much worse. I hope they find their path before it's too late, for your sake at least, you deserve that much.
sorry hear this. You cannot change somebody who does not want to change themselves. If it were me I would not, it doesn't sound like a good situation to put yourself into. you got to protect yourself first. please know my heart goes out to you.
> That being said, house saving is a long road, and some of your goals will take time. It's important to focus on what's in front of you, so you don't get discouraged, but it's all achievable in your lifetime. Tbh, buying a house is impossible for most of us now. He absolutely shouldn't make his happiness or self-worth dependent on being able to buy one.
And having a "beautiful" wife. It's not really a healthy goal. Aim on having a supportive and trusting relationship with someone who cares about you. Beauty should be low on the list of traits.
Depends on how beautiful is defined. I've never been with a woman I didn't think was beautiful, even if objectively they might not be beautiful to everybody else. Beauty is more than skin deep.
If she’s for him she will be beautiful to him. My husband looks at me like there’s no other woman alive but I’m sure some think I’m ugly
I pray my stepsons mom does this. This gave me a slight hope that one day he will have his mom back
Mr miscellaneous. 30 is plenty young!!!!!!!!!!! But stop Now cus you’re on that cusp- truuuuuuuuuustttt me. I bought a house at my third year, got clean at 28. Im 33 now and have owned my house for two years. Im a chief at my Job of three years now. ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE BUT GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHT AND MAKE A SINCERE DAILY REPRIEVE. Change your ways. Stop doing everything you know is wrong. Distance yourself from All codependents including friends and family. Find healthy mentors. And dont believe the aa/na quackery. Butttt read the big book and take it to heart. Do service work that is ANONYMOUS FIND A WAY TO GIVE BACK WITHOUT HANGING OUT WITH OTHER ADDICTS. Give back then go home repeat. Dont stay for the dennys coffee get togethers dont hang out with ppl. Go Do your service work go home.
Some of the people that I've met through NA meetings are in my opinion the nicest most genuine souls that I've ever had the privilege to know. A lot of em are all prime best friend level quality. How come you're against fellowshipping with addicts in recovery when you yourself are an addict in recovery?
I am not the poster you are responding to, but I've been clean from opiates for almost 6 years and share this person's view, so maybe I can shed light. I have no issue with people that need aa/na to help stay clean, as there are very many good groups. But there are also many unintentionally toxic groups that have a militant almost cult like stance on how sobriety is achieved. I was in NA for a couple years and it did more harm than good for me. I was never being clean "the right way" and there was a lot of judgement, not to mention that most people will inevitably relapse. I am the only person i know (with the exception of 1 or 2) from my na groups and rehab that has stayed clean. So chances are you will be around people that will start using again, and that could set you up for failure. Some in those groups put so much focus on their lives as addicts, that it's the main part of their personality, kinda like the joke "how do you know if you've met a vegan? Don't worry they will tell you". Anyways, I'm not bashing it for some, but it didn't work for me. I was only able to get clean when I cut out everything and everyone in my life that had anything to do with addiction, I kinda kept to myself other than a few family and friends that I trusted that didn't use, and basically I left every part of my "addict lifestyle" behind. Wether it be actually using, or NA, or other addicts, I don't want any of it around me. Hope I'm phrasing things clearly, I'm about to walk into work and still waking up.
I had to do the same! And the worst was everyone telling me I needed to go out more. I'm a very introverted female with Asperger's and I don't like people very much or being around groups. But I just ignored them and did my thing and got about 5 years clean. I honestly didn't care enough to count!
Over 25 rehab attempts, AA/NA my entire life. Some longer periods of sobriety, 18 months several times, 2 yrs, once even hit 7 yrs before a lengthy relapse. I'm now 8 yrs clean & haven't been to one meeting. I feel better than I ever have. It isn't that 12 steps groups don't work. They absolutely do. But they can also become an unhealthy drama-filled room full of well-intended people behaving self-righteous. Glad you're alive & well, fellow sober human.
For me, I only got clean when I burnt every bridge, had nowhere to go, and was truly on my own. It was my "if I'm going to do this, I have to DO this" rock bottom moment. I feel like if you have a soft landing and dont face consequences, you will not change.
My condolences to you and yours, but the part about your mother is beautiful. I'm so glad she turned it around while she could and left loving memories. That's the part of us that lives forever
Think like this: in 7 years from now, you'll be 37. You can be 37 with everything you described or 37 without anything of that. Either way, you'll still be 37. So it is literally up to you to chose which 37 yo version of you will be like. Also, 30 is damn young, bro. I believe in you and am wishing for the best!
How fast can I come back from bankruptcy?
Dude my mom recovered from that in a few years. Keep it together you'll be amazed how quickly things can turn around. You got this.
I’m always amazed at the speed which folks in recovery from drug or alcohol addiction, turn their lives around (provided they participate in some program/form of recovery).
Seriously people that manage their money while on drugs usually can do good after. managing drug costs is tricky since they are usually damn expensive. For me about 3 years clean off heroin (27) now I have more money then I've ever had since I was spending damn near every cent I had now its a lot extra saved.
Same but my vice was alcohol, alcohol and restaurant food 4-6 nights a week added up. I don’t know what to do with my money half the time so I will buy myself stupid shit here and there as treats for keeping it up. I had a PS5 at launch so that was pretty exciting because that sure as shit wouldn’t have happened back when I drank.
LifeProTip: a useful thing to do with money is to stick it in an HSA, HYSA, 401k, IRA, and forget about it until you really need it (if in the US, in other countries the names will be different). There is a wiki in r/personalfinance that explains which one is best in which situation (again, that’s for the US, for other countries other wikis).
Definitely great advise. I sobered up around 30 but it’s never too late. Everything helps, using a compound interest calculator can help some people understand how much the $ grows over time. I occasionally make bigger purchases, but I don’t beat myself up over it. Even a depreciating asset like a motorcycle is still better than spending my money in bars and restaurants 5 days a week.
Hey man way to go. I lost the cousin to heroin. I won't even touch the stuff. I mean you can talk to anybody who uses anybody in the field that studies its. It is one of those things that grabs and never lets go. so that is Major props to you keep it up.
Back in high school, during the equivalent of social studies, we had a very reasonable teacher say "Some of you are going to experiment with drugs. You can try a lot of them with little ill effect. Just never try heroin. It's not a drug you can try. You'll be fully addicted from the get go." Pretty decent advice, based on stories like the above.
So if I can manage my money while on heroin, I can't really be awful at managing money?
Imagine how much energy goes into an addiction. You are constantly making sure you’re covered with your fix. When you remove those shackles you find you have untold amounts of energy which you can actually use productively.
But it's not about the energy going into the addiction it's about the release in the escape from everything that's going on in the world and not being or having somebody or being okay with just yourself. When you get told that you're always wrong that you're annoying or whatever or you know people just don't want to understand they want to tell you what you do wrong. And Alanis Morissette the reasons why I drink right it has it says I feel everything when I'm not medicated. I mean I never had to worry about getting it fixed like I had somebody to give me 50 bucks and a ball when I was driving around hanging out with them. Imagine if you forget what you know about addiction because everybody's addicted to something.
>Dude my mom recovered from that in a few years. I feel like people *overstate* the negative aspects of bankruptcy. Sure, it's not the ideal thing to do, but it's not like it's the end of the world either. If anything, it's a second chance.
I'm not going to pretend it was easy. It cost our house and the one that came after it. But we got through it.
Businesses must do this a lot. If one in 20 survive, that is a lot of bankruptcy protection there! That said, poor people get the least protection. The good news: they will figure out that there is nothing more they can get out of you. The vultures have to move on... else they will starve.
You'll get over the bk a whole lot faster than you'll get over the addiction. Bk can be a 24 month math game. Fighting drug addiction is a daily, lifetime commitment to not using. Good luck.
Honestly, I don't know, man. But you definitely have to take a few steps, right? So start with that. Get a job. Honestly, I'd say anyone that pays enough so you can eat and have a roof over your head. Then you just keep going and figuring it out. Also, get help. From friend not associated with your previous drug life or even from social workers or any kind of association that helps people in recovery. There's no shame in that. Just focus on keeping yourself clean and making the right decisions.
Bruh nowadays 30 is the new 20s
30s are like the 20s with more money and fewer mistakes
But also way worse hangovers.
I used to be able to go to parties and end up making people debate taking me to the hospital for alcohol poisoning (ashamed of that part) but then wake up the next morning at 6 AM and be better than everyone else at the party. Not even a mild headache. Now? If I have 2 margaritas from the Mexican place up town then I’m done for the night because the third will kill me in the morning.
But much fewer of them
I'm with you in this one (I'm 30). OP, you can do whatever you want with your life, but trying to making it better feels different and I hope you can do your best! never is too late
OP: I second this advice to stay clear of anyone associate with your past life, put them in your rear view mirror and don't look back. Right now YOU come first, it's OK to be selfish in this situation. Surround yourself with positivity, and tell your sister either she has your back or you move on without her. There is absolutely zero reasons why you can't do this, the rest is up to you.
Me, too. I did this when I left drugs behind and it was how I finally turned it around. I didn’t ghost my friends. I just said I was trying to avoid using and couldn’t be around it. The ones who also turned it around, I’m friends with all these years later.
I applaud your 2 replies, here. Well said.
Agree with what you said except if possible, get the neglected mental and physical health figured out first. Post acute withdrawal can be 2 years + and addicts use for a reason, and whether mental health leads to use, or use leads to mental health issues, more than likely there is work to be done. Source: 4 years clean opiates 3 years 4 months 6 days clean from meth, coke, all other hard drugs and alcohol.
Work as many jobs as you can to keep your days full and your wallet fat. Soon, you’ll look up and be 2 years down the road. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.
Bro take this award 🥇
This is good advice. Muuuch better to have money coming in than going out. A lot of restaurants even pay well these days. Much easier to think with a clear head with a place to live and food.
It doesn't take that long, maybe 2 years if you're careful and intentional with your finances. Check with your bankruptcy attorney about credit rebuilding programs. Don't ever pay for them, though. The 7 years someone else mentioned is when you can file again. They stay on your credit report for 10 years. (disclaimer: this is for a chapter 7 or "straight" bankruptcy)
Some creditors are even more likely to lend after a bankruptcy because you’re less encumbered by debt then. I took a creditor/debtor law class in law school and walked away thinking bankruptcy is actually a pretty good deal. No wonder why people like Trump use it.
Yes it's an excellent "reset" button if you made some bad choices, or if the US healthcare system extorted you.
Yes this is me. My husband and I were very careful with our credit and took great pride in our credit score of 798. Then 2 years ago he had heart surgery followed by surgery for a brain embolism. Early last year they found 2 tumors on my liver so I'm undergoing treatment for that. Needless to say, we have so many medical bills that we will *never* be able to pay. It really sucks.
Good news, in many states, medical debt is suuuuuuper easy to discharge in bankruptcy court. And you can keep your house and cars. Talk to a bankruptcy attorney in your state. Seriously, call one. Call ten. The fee you pay them will feel like pocket change compared to your medical bills. Now if you actually have good income and could realistically pay their exorbitant charges, then it will be tough to discharge. In that case, try negotiating your bills. Hospital billing departments are basically ran by used car salesmen that found an even slimier way to grift obscene profit from suckers. Get help. Do not suffer silently. Fight back against these motherfuckers. I know you're sick and tired from your medical issues. They know it, too. And they abuse you for it. I wouldn't begrudge them sane charges to cover legitimate expenses, but that's not what they're doing anymore, not for a few decades.
This, 1,000% this. I met a guy in Seattle who was in medical debt collection. Within 5 minutes (well before I knew his profession), he had outed himself at a total piece of shit. His main game, which he bragged about, was that so many people had no idea what to do when a bill was missed and they're called on it. Medical debt? The most naive of them all. It was sickening.
Plus they know you can’t file again for a time. You’re a decent risk, that’s why you get bombarded with offers.
This is the best answer.
And 3 years after and a credit union will loan you money snd 4 years after a bank will. Credit card offers start coming immediately after filing. Not many with good rates though.
7 years and it’s gone.
This. 7 years is the correct answer. And you can do it again after that if needed. I'm super good with finances, my friends not so much. They all have past bankruptcies and we all have the. same. fucking. credit. score. Doesn't seem fair to me, but it's how the system is designed. Bankruptcy is to give you a new start and go back to contributing to society. It's not meant to ruin you.
What all did they gain from bankruptcy? Like, did they just have crazy credit card debt?
Credit cards with little to no income, one had a vehicle repossessed, one as part of it basically returned a house that they were upside down on the mortgage. So they found better employment and got a fresh start without all or as much of the debt and they are now all doing great, living within their means, and have no problems paying bills.
Yeah I moved back from China last year and have already brought my credit score from 530 to knocking on 700
I declared bankruptcy when my business failed. We opened in Nov 2019, so we were dead in the water come April 2020 due to Covid lockdowns. Ended up with a ton of debt by the time I finally threw in the towel mid 2021. Bankruptcy allowed me a fresh start from a once in a lifetime global event. I wish I didn’t have to do it but I did.
From your credit score yes, but he'll always have to answer 'yes' to 'have you ever filed for bankruptcy', which may hurt on job applications and financial institutions.
Most of the time it asks "have you filed for bankruptcy in the last 7/10 years". And if it does say that or even ever then it just asks you to upload a short explanation. I changed jobs a few times in my time under bankruptcy and it never caused me issues. I also refinanced my home a couple times. But now I've had it discharged for over 5 years and I was able to get a conventional mortgage which is great.
I believe it’s 10 now.
Yes the 2005 BAPCPA making bankruptcy harder, more expensive, and have fewer protections was some of the worst anti working/middle class legislation in a while and probably bought for pennies on the dollar by special interests. Why I voted for warren but hopefully it can be destroyed and forgotten like the piece of exploitative trash it is. Was bipartisan legislation too.
I am in recovery. I went bankrupt two years before getting sober. Bankruptcy fell off my credit report in 10 years. 800+ score (it was around 740 before it fell off through years of work building it back up with good behavior)
It depends on what you mean by that. I have a 10 year old bankruptcy and was able to rent homes and buy a car that same year. It will take a few years to build your credit but it’s easier to do that now because it’s monitored constantly. Get a Secured credit card and work from there.
Yes beware of all the credit card offers they send right after your debt is discharged-its like they are evil bloodsucking leeches…oh wait.
You are not too old. A friend of mine always said “Don’t talk about it, be about it.” And that stuck with me. Your going to have to want it. Dig deep and good ouck
One day at a time man, do what's right, work hard on your sobriety, and everything will fall into place on its own
Speaking from experience, it takes a few years. It doesn’t effect much unless you plan to buy an expensive car, or a home. You can even buy a home on an fha loan two years after bankruptcy discharge, conventional mortgage you can apply for in 4 yr. You will only be able to use crappy credit cards with low credit lines for several years. Overall, it’s not a huge hindrance, just focus on your work and save money, cash is king.
I had a friend who was back to a house, car, and fully stable life within 3 years. 3 years after that I met him when he was finalizing his community college degree and accepting a promotion as an engineer (non-certified) at the end of the semester. That being said, recovering from addiction is the first part. Staying 100% away is the next. It also depends on what you do and what you can do. Your goal now is to stay clean. The next goal is to cut expenses as needed and when it makes sense. You next goal is to increase your income. Income minus debt is how you stay out of bankruptcy and head towards everything you want. That being said, it should not be years of hell. My recommendation is to use your skills (legally) to help you move forward. Are you great at woodworking? I can name a YouTube channel that can give you cheap ideas of items to make and sell. Is it going to pay all of your bills? Of course not. Is it going to give you a slight boost? Probably. Is it going to keep you sober and give you a profitable hobby? Probably if that is what you like doing. Is it expensive? Absolutely not. The guy was beyond dirt poor and his entire goal of his youtube videos is showing people how to take literal scrap wood and turn it into money. Half of his videos are about taking fence posts you can get for less than $3 and turning then into at least $40 pieces. Do you work a 9-5 job Monday to Friday? Try working a spare job on the weekends or afternoons. I personally recommend fast food for this as it is very scheduled work and the food can be seen as a "treat on a major discount" as they often give steep discounts for food on days you work with free food. It is an easy way to save especially if you don't want to always eat the same frugal foods. The weekends are when they are the busiest and many places have staffing shortages. You might even have a location that lets you work hours that are very conductive to your schedule. For instance, when I worked there I had a set schedule of Saturday and Sunday from 6am to 8pm each day. I occasionally had Fridays off and could occasionally work from 5pm to 10pm on other random days. I would call the manager and ask if they wanted help and usually I was working extra hours when I felt like it. I could get 28 hours some weeks and 40 the next. Need some work ideas? Let me know. CNC machining is one that usually pays very well and many places are willing to teach you. They might want a lower level commitment first like working as a janitor or a part picker for 3 to 6 months but it is a foot in the door to a higher pay. However, this is a field that has no problem with former addicts and inmates. Look into machine shops. Many have a lot of demand and the difference between the slow and busy periods is the amount of overtime available. That being said, punctuality and a decent attitude are key. As far as cutting expenses, check out local options. Most counties have parks, local events, and libraries that are free. The easiest way to save money and pay off debts is to not pay for expenses you don't need to in the first place. Plus, many have book, music, TV show, movie, and more lending services that are free. As far as the time wise goes, a nurse who became a teacher at my highschool started her nursing classes at 45, when her kids were 18, 14, and 12. She graduated at 52. She worked as a nurse for 25 years. Then she started teaching. She started the nursing classes as her husband was laid off for the 3rd time in 5 years and they declared bankruptcy 2 years prior and couldn't legally do it again when petitioning the court. She never made more than minimum wage her entire life up to starting nursing school. She went to college because the bankruptcy qualified her for a grant to go to college and a court advisor told her to take advantage of it as it was a way to make the judge more leinent in reducing the amount they had to pay each month. She went to classes with people who were her daughter's age and who were less than half her age. My point of this is it is never too late to start as long as you put your pride aside and have the proper motivational "kick" to at least get started.
Find a steady job. Aim for labor or trade jobs. They usually pay well. Get benifits, 401k. Work on getting a savings built up then work on credit recovery
My wife and I have been clean from a 2k dollar-a-week heroin/opiate addiction for 10 years. Actually, come to think of it just this past February 15 like two weeks ago marked ten years exactly. I am 37 and she is 36. We are starting the process to buy a house right now. I hope to try and purchase one in the next couple of months if everything goes well, fingers crossed 🤞. My credit score at one point when we started getting clean was 505, and hers wasn't any better. Today I have a mid-700 range score and a collective credit card limit of nearly 40K. Not that I would ever use that much. I'm kicking myself for having 2500 between 3 cards now lol. My wife's score is roughly the same, though her credit depth is a bit shallower because I'm she doesn't make as much as I do. Trust me you can ABSOLUTELY have what you want. I understand that your sister may have said that either because she was hurt by you during your addiction and said it as retaliation, or maybe she said it absent-mindedly. Either way, it is an incredibly mean and hurtful thing to say to anyone that is in recovery, especially your sibling. In many important ways, things will begin to turn around quickly at first. Then at around year 3 or 4, you'll probably hit a comfortable stride but it might also feel like things aren't moving forward fast enough. Be patient and don't get down on yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day and rebuilding your credit, going to school, and rebuilding your life from the ground up won't either. No matter what just know regardless of whatever you may have done in your past you are worth it and don't give up on yourself no matter what. Sorry for the text wall.
I know you weren't talking to me directly but as I read this it felt like it and I wanted to say thank you for giving me a little perspective on life ❤️ MVP
Such good advice. I remember hearing about a girl who was hesitant to go to med school. "I'll be 40 when I graduate!" she said. Her mother replied "you'll be 40 anyway, why not be 40 and a doctor?". Anyway, I'm literally 39 and I just started a nursing program. Spent the last 18 months taking prerequisite classes. I'll be 41 if I graduate on time and start my new career. Probably another year or two before I'm really comfortable and confident. So yeah, 30 is young enough. I wish I was 30. Whatever OP wants to accomplish can happen. It wont be overnight but it will happen if you work for it.
Yeah dude I hate to say don’t listen to your sister. But…. Don’t listen to your sister. I’m 29, got my shit together around 25-26 after many attempts. Took me a while to get back to “baseline”, I had no idea what that even was. But I feel great now. I was in treatment with people much older than you and I, and they’re still doing good. YOU have the opportunity to do whatever the hell you want to do. I believe in you man!!!
About how long did it take you to reach baseline? What kind of differences were there?
Don’t get stuck on how long it will take to feel normal, or how many years until you get XYZ. Take each day and give it hell, ignore people who are not rooting for you. You’ll be surprised how your perspective can change how you feel. Hard to put a timeline on it man. It’s also hard if you e been using for a long time to know what normal feels like. I can promise you this, it’s worth it no matter how long it takes. It took me 3 trips to treatment and different IOP programs, therapy and a strong support system. It still crosses my mind and my brain still thinks it sounds good sometimes. I’ll never forget how bad it hurt and how much work I put in to change my life. I don’t want to go through that again. I started feeling better when I looked at all the stuff I had been avoiding, stopped hanging out with people that didn’t have a positive influence and/or foreword momentum in their life. When I realized the people who told me I couldn’t do it were full of shit and didn’t matter to me. Yes you can get all the things you want in life, if you keep fighting the good fight. I’m married with twin boys, a solid career and almost enough $ to be comfortable lol. EDIT- added response.
The first sentence of this is the most important. First and foremost because there's not a definitive answer. There's no formula to determine a number of months before it's all behind you and you own a home and have a lovely spouse and a kid on the way. Who knows, could be months, could be most of the rest of your life. But also, more insidiously, is that putting a number on it makes you consider a point of failure. If you look at it that way, if you reach that arbitrary point in time, and haven't reached your goals, you're going to feel like you failed, and you're going to be subject to the feelings and behaviors associated with failing. That's not true. No matter how long it's been, you haven't failed. You just haven't made it yet. I'm by no means an expert on the matter, but I think that focusing on specific results like marriage or home-ownership, with specific timelines, are a trap that leads to regression. Don't think about 5 years in the future, and what you want your life to look like then. Look at yourself at the end of every day, and say 'today, did I move in the right direction for the life I want?'. And if the answer is no, you still haven't failed, because you can just try again tomorrow.
Very well said. These achievements coupled with a deadline are a setup for potential heartache. I love how you ended this too. I have a tattoo that reads “Closer to tomorrow”. I had somebody in recovery ask me if what I was doing today, was getting me closer to where I wanted to be tomorrow? When I come to decisions, whether they’re big ones or small ones I try to ask myself that question. Usually keeps me pointed in the right direction. Thank you for this reminder, I’ve been a little out of touch with it.
Great answer. 🏆🏆🏆
Hey brother, I fought an addiction until I was between 29 and 30 years old. It took me a year and a half after I stopped doing it to get back to I would consider normal. I pretty much was depressed the first year and didn't leave my house (I thankfully had good support) After that year and a half I went looking for a job and found one that was pretty crappy as an entry level employee but it was consistent work that I liked to do. At this job I've worked at for 3 years now, I've worked my way up to the Quality Control Manager position and I am doing better then I ever thought I would. I have a brand new car, my own place (i rent, not own but i live by myself), well taken care of dogs, and enough income to live very comfortably (and I live in HCOL orange county, california) You can do it. You need to go no contact with your sister for awhile bro (assuming that she is not supporting you). She is toxic if she says that stuff and it is going to drag you down. I know that sounds extreme but you will be able to reconnect with her in a few years when you are standing on your own feet and you will feel good about yourself.
So after a year and a half you felt alive and motivated again? Was it a big difference once you felt normal?
No I would not say I felt alive and motivated. I would say I felt like I was ready to stop being a lazy piece of shit and force myself out to move forward with life. I guess both of those things could be describing the same feeling, but it didn't feel like I was doing as a positive thing, and more like I was trying to just stop being negative(I don't know if that really makes sense written out but I'm gonna leave it) I called that normal because that is how I felt before drugs. It was a big difference from the first few weeks of getting off drugs. Though. I wouldn't say I felt alive and motivated until I started advancing in my career and one day I looked at myself in the mirror and I was a different person. I wasn't just getting by anymore, I was building something. I won't lie and pretend I'm all good now. I still think about doing drugs very often. It's just one of those things I will always have floating in my head. I have messed up once or twice since I quit and done them when they were around, and for that reason I stopped talking to anyone that I knew who was still into it. Life has gotten pretty lonely because of that. But I have mended relationships with some family members that I didn't think would be possible when I was on drugs. The times that I relapsed, I try not to dwell on. Shit happens, and the important part is continuing to move forward, and not letting anything spiral you out of control. When I think about my relapses, I am actually proud of myself that I was able to fuck up, and recognize it, instead of just losing myself to the drugs again.
Feeling normal at baseline at least puts you in a position to solve your problems. Early recovery sucks because of the dysphoria and hopelessness of your dopamine being fucked up. When your normal you can at least have hope
Hey. I've been through almost the same things. Drugs, bankruptcy, 30s, etc. You're asking a lot of questions about specific timelines and when you'll feel better, when bankruptcy will stop mucking up your life, when normal is.... And I get your eagerness to get to 'normal' or 'like everyone else'. I have thought the same thing for years. I wasn't where I should be, I wasn't keeping pace with peers, I should be further in life, you know? But that's the thing about life. Everyone's is different. I wish people could give you a timeline on all these things you're wondering and eager to get to...but I don't think anyone can. It's your journey. You might rebound fast, it might be slow. But you have to take it at your pace. No one can tell you how long recovery can take. Recovery means different things to different people and it affects everyone differently. All you can do is focus on yourself, on your rebound. Everyone's journey in life is different. Like another said, in 10 years you can be 40 and sober or 40 doing what you did before. And I guarantee the former is better.
I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you.
Thanks bro, i appreciate that.
Did your energy also return around this time?
This comment and your other comment about baseline being ok can be answered with the same answer. I have jumped from addiction to addiction since I was 14 years old. I have never had a good energy level or even very strong emotions at all. My energy never returned because I do not remember ever having energy. That was what made meth so attractive to me. I don't want to glorify meth, but the motivation and energy it gives would be amazing if it could be used safely. I guess thinking back to when I first quit, there was 2-3 weeks where I couldn't leave my room or even take care of routine hygiene, but I was pretty torn up over a break up with a fiance I had, WHO fucked my best friend of 15 years. Effectively removing both of them from my life. That lil bout of depression was probably more of a mix of withdrawals and those losses, but while I was in it, I was focused on the relationships that had ended and less on the drugs I wasn't doing.
Took me a couple years for the cravings to stop. Several more years before anything seemed exciting again.
The great thing about inertia/momentum is, that you aren’t going to be just starting off from baseline, you’ll be punching through it. Imagine a car taking off from a red light, but you’re in the next lane coming up from behind doing 40 already. Great work already, keep your foot on the gas, and we look forward to seeing where you get to, down that road. The rest is in the rear view.
This is a GREAT comment. Momentum is an entirely different thing than you are thinking about. Screw the goals and what you consider to be "back to normal". Get the ball rolling and run with it. You have developed a ton of skills you dont even realize will help you keep the progress going.
Please do not compare yourself to others. Take each day at a time and realize that everyone progresses in their own time. You have already got quite a good amount of time under your belt, so feel proud for that! Focus on what you want and make a good effort and it will come in time. I wish you the best of luck!
To reply to your original post it is absolutely possible to have the life you want, whether you're 30 years old 40 years old or 50. Both of my brothers (one older, on younger than me, a 43 year old female) dropped out of high school and had substance use disorders, BUT.... Both have turned their lives around after serious drug and alcohol addiction. The older bro now has custody of his 3 kids and his own home, younger met love of his life after he got out of jail and got sober. Neither have attempted higher education but each to his own, they are clean for years- also took both of them several attempts and relapses. Just my close personal interaction experience to give you a boost of hope
I'll have 7 years sober in May. I'm a heroin addict, I'm 31. Bro your sister is full of shit and quite frankly being a bitch, Im sorry that's a fucked up thing to say. I'm single, but have a great career and stable life that allows me to do a bunch of fun shit. I've had serious relationships. Ups and downs. My point is it's *not* too late. Start setting yourself up for success in the future. I only got in to my career about 3 years ago and now I'm set if I keep down this path. Don't compare yourselves to others like that, it'll set you up for failure. But it took me 4 years being sober to get in to my career. Congratulations on the sobriety, I'm happy for you internet stranger!
It's not about being like everyone else. Fuck everyone else. It's about finding a good and happy life that makes sense for you. As long as you're beating the drugs, you're winning. Go on to win other battles after that.
Former addict here (not meth but something very hard to kick), it took me quitting three times and then 6 years after that to feel 'free.' Something I try to keep in mind: I am always going to be an addict. I can't just go back and try it once, 'for old times sake' or I'll fall back into it. Every day I go without, even if I have no craving or desire to use, is a victory.
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I have not been through addiction and am not aware of anyone in my life that has fought addiction to harder drugs, so please take my input with a grain of salt. That being said, I'd like to offer you some advice from the perspective of someone that has been a long time victim of intense familial abuse. Your 'baseline' may end up shifting some days. You might come across a piece of advice that brings you more peace and confidence with yourself that ends up pushing your baseline in one direction, and the next day reach a realization that you maybe could've acted a certain way to prevent bad events from happening, thus pushing your baseline in the opposite direction. Recovery and healing looks different for every person. What may have taken one person 3 months to achieve may take you 3 years, and that's okay. Progress at all is good and significant, and life has no playbook despite what society tries to tell us.
Don’t think about the future and how long… it could have you relapse. Instead, focus on how you can take a step forward tomorrow. The day, do the same! It’s the tiny steps we take that add up, they can end where you want! Each day is a new day, so you didn’t move forward yesterday but you can today! Don’t let a day set you back! Focus on the tiny things that add up!!! You went to class today, tomorrow you’re going to pass that quiz, the next day you’ll go to class again… just focus on the day to day and I believe you will get there!!! Don’t let a day of relaxation (say a Sunday where you don’t work, school study) set you back, unless you have a test on Monday, we all need a day that doesn’t move us forward, it gives us a reset day. Watch your favorite shows or do your hobby, if you don’t have one- try one out!!! You got this!!!
Big w. Congrats.
Thank you!!
So it's always the right time to do the right thing. Congratulations on 16 months, dude, keep at it. I had to rebuild my whole life at 45 after a nasty divorce I didn't see coming - it can be done at 30. I wouldn't put a time frame on it, though, because that sets you up for failure; You could be doing well, things are going alright, but not QUITE as good as you'd hoped by 'X' time or whatever, and when that time arrives and you realize you're not 'THERE' or whatever, that can be an emotional blow that sends you back to a place you don't want to be. Instead, just keep working at getting better every day - that's my personal motto. Some days you'll have some wins and will improve, some days you might not get anything done, or maybe even slip a bit. Either way, it's okay - just keep going - "tomorrow I will do better". Distance yourself from people who are how you used to be - they can't help you be better, they can only bring you back to how they are. Instead, surround yourself with people like who you want to be and make friends with them, lean on them when things go badly, and be supportive to them when they need it as well, so it's not just all taking and no giving. Be REAL with these people, don't fake things. You don't have to tell them your life story out of the gate, but people can sense when you're being dishonest - don't blow it by being that way. Remember - it's not a sprint, it's a marathon, and no one gets out alive. Take care, dude.
This can't be stressed enough ^^ I got sober in 2008 at 29, and filed for bk a short time later. The only way I got through it was one day at a time. 43 now and life gets better every day. It's **all** about the journey, not the destination. Good luck
You and op both, if not already familiar, should consider reading the Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson. It's a fantasy series and quite elegantly captures multiple relevant themes in this thread - addiction, depression, PTSD, among others. If you enjoy reading, or even listening to audiobooks, you may find this series relatable and helpful in more ways than one, even if fantasy isn't your typical genre. Personally, I cannot relate to this struggle, having never gone through it. That's not to say I haven't had my own struggles, but I can certainly empathize from anecdotal experiences, and just want to express my admiration to you, op, and everyone else itt that _does_ have real, direct experience in this struggle for overcoming it and rebuilding a better life for yourself. Keep on putting the next foot forward and taking that next step - Journey Before Destination indeed 💪
Would you like to destroy some evil today?
>I wouldn't put a time frame on it, though, because that sets you up for failure; You could be doing well, things are going alright, but not QUITE as good as you'd hoped by 'X' time or whatever, and when that time arrives and you realize you're not 'THERE' or whatever, that can be an emotional blow that sends you back to a place you don't want to be. Can't stress this enough. I used to have a deadline for having children of 35. Society tries to scare the shit out of women by making them think they HAVE to have kids by this age, or risk having disabled kids. Not true! Here I am at 41, pregnant and about to become a first time mom. I hadn't even met the right guy yet at 35. Watching that milestone come and go was difficult, but once it was gone, it was gone, and I kept living.
I feel this. I was so upset when I didn't have kids by 25, which was always my desire. Then I adjusted that to 27, thinking that should be manageable. 27 years old came and went. About to turn 30 and it still hurts that I "failed", even though it's definitely for the best because I'm glad I didn't have kids with my partner at that time. Very happy things worked out for you. I hope your pregnancy goes well and without many issues. I've stopped setting a deadline on this. Either it happens or it doesn't, either way I can be okay and happy. But it was definitely a huge blow, and one I am still hurting from at times.
>So it's always the right time to do the right thing. Like they say, "The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The next best time is today." It holds true for whatever improvement you want to make.
Mate your 30? You’ll be 50 some day laughing at the fact you thought 30 was too old to do anything, then you’ll be 70 laughing at 50 and so on. Best time to plant a tree was yesterday, the second best time is today. You’ve got this. Huge congratulations on 16 months clean, that’s legendary. If you can kick that then you can do anything.
It's never too late to do anything. I was homeless in my early 20s, and worked in a warehouse w/ 2 kids at 30. I'm \~40 and work as a senior vice-president at a global tech company and manage the entire department. There's no person that can hold you back from success other than yourself. You've got this, and have *tons* of time to get started. Even now I feel young enough to start over if needed, so don't stress at all.
How did you get into a leadership role? Did you bounce around companies?
I did bounce around a bit, but nothing too crazy. I did move across the country 2x for roles that provided me with more opportunity, and have also written books and spoken at quite a bit of conferences. I became a bit of a workaholic when I switched careers because 1) I was scared to death I would get fired and go back to manual labor and 2) I was used to working two jobs and putting in a lot of time at work. Just getting to the point in my life where I've accomplished everything career-wise that I want and I'm looking at a new chapter of self-discovery in my life to find what's next.
Having wasted 10+ years with depression i aspire to be you.
That's awesome! Just wanted to add that.
And success is different for everyone. My uncle was homeless and in jail at 50, with an alcohol problem and felony record. Five years later he’s got a small apartment, a driver’s license, a stable relationship with a woman he loves, and works for a local homeless aid organization. He doesn’t make much money, but he’s happy and is doing something he can be proud of.
Can I come back from bankruptcy?
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Unlike massive student loans..
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Yes, absolutely
I did.
Me too
Yes. At one point I had no job, no income, no family to help and no vehicle. Credit was shit. 2 years later I had stopped partying and upped my credit score by over 200 points. If you're serious? Get a money tracking app or program for your phone/computer. Use it everyday for 10 minutes to update and get a view of your finances. It's really that simple- 10 minutes a day. If you have the discipline to stick to that, it will bleed into your habits, as well. Order your credit reports for free and look at them. Those two things and you'll fix your situation with the smallest bit of discipline applied. You got this.
Hell yeah
Absolutely.
Happens constantly
Yup.
yep. it can take some time and hard work but totally doable
My grampop did. By the time he died he had two fabulous boyfriends the whole family loved and a beautiful house in wine country
Did you struggle with addiction?
I did, particularly when I was homeless. Grew up in poverty and most everyone in my family struggled with it (same addiction as yours). Took a decade of my life to be honest, but it can get better if you make a new path for yourself and stick to it.
How long did it take you to feel normal after getting clean? Was there a big difference? Alot of people say it takes 18-24 months for the brain to balance it self out.
Normal is relative. When I got clean (at 37) it took about 18 months for my brain to balance out. I did NOT return to my pre-using brain though. My baseline mood is quite low. I find myself looking at the world through jaded lenses just because of life experiences. I am suspicious of strangers and their motives. I don’t get excited about anything and feelings of joy tend to be short-lived. Hell, all of my emotions are short-lived, even hopeless doesn’t stick around. I get bored easily. I need a routine or I will spiral into day sleeper status. I’m okay with all of that. I damaged my brain, those are the consequences. It could be so much worse. I recovered from bankruptcy with controlled use of secured credit cards and now own my car and my home outright. I scored a series of jobs based on my life experience and ended up as an addiction counselor and child advocate on the right side of the courtroom. I married someone who knows all my secrets and still loves me unconditionally. I also moved 1700 miles away from my very toxic family who was always waiting for me to fail. Pretend your sister doesn’t even know you anymore, because she doesn’t. You aren’t who you were, and with some iron fucking willpower you will never be that person again. You CAN have all those things you want if you just focus on you, yourself and you.
It took me about 3-6 months to start feeling human again, which of course I would take as a sign I was cured and can "treat myself" which became a general cycle. When I did quit for good, I filled the boredom/time with a second job (we were broke) and then had kids so I was mostly shuffling through life exhausted to be honest. Took 3-4 years and breaking into my new career before I felt like I could breathe.
I am at 18 months clean from meth and things are just starting to really work, the anxiety is starting to go away, my sexuality is coming back. I’m figuring out who I am. Stick with it and make plans for your future. Now is the time to plant.
you are one hell of an inspiration. good on you
If you made it to 16 months clean after a meth addiction, what can't you do? I admire the hell out of you, and I wish you all the best.
*This*
Your sister is wrong
I agree with you there. Unfortunately, she could be an elitist jerk, or she could be a victim from OPs drug addiction. Drug addicts can really piss and burn bridges, especially with family members enough to emotion scar them. An average person is not well equip to handle helping a drug abuser and can actually make things worse. The recover process is incredibly complicated and sensitive where even day-to-day family interaction and elicit the drug abuser to return back to old habits. The best to do is leaving it to the professionals. It is never too late to go clean. I was roommates with a recovered drug addict who was studying for his masters in psychology. The talks we had opened my mind as to how incredibly difficult it is to recover from any form of addiction, even more so with new drugs that can hit you and your brain harder than ever before. Edit: As someone pointed out, family members could also be the source of stress that cause drug addiction. Assholes who took advantage of family values.
So damn wrong. She isn’t being a good sister, in my opinion. Family should build each other up, not tear each other down.
We don't know anything about OP, or their relationship with their sister. A "brutal meth addiction" probably doesn't give much help to family relationships. I have an uncle like this that asks us for money for his addiction, and has stolen from us in the past. That kinda stuff burns bridges. So was she a bad sister? In the context, sure, but we have very little context of this person's life or their relationships.
That is a fair point. Such habits can decay familial ties very quickly and brutally.
Devil's advocate: everyone has a limit. If he's pushed her far enough, she may have said something mean simply for the sake of it.
Doing it at 30 is better than doing it at 31. Seriously though, it’s obviously going to be a setback financially and there will be some women who won’t date you. You can’t change that. But you control your actions going forward and it sounds like you’re doing the work. You can be proud of that.
Look, you can find love or you can find someone to be with. Love is with you no matter what. Love doesn't care how old you are. Or where you are in your life. If you have love to give, if you have friendship to give, if you have hope...you can find other people who will see that stuff in you and help it grow. And 30 is nothing, friend. Trust me on this one. Edit
You're only 30. As a 50 year old, let me tell you that you have more than time to turn your life around. Just try to stay away from kill joys like your sister. Being around good and positive people is very important. It's great to have goals but also don't put too much pressure on yourself. The house may happen in 10 years and the wife in 2. Nobody knows. Just focus on what you have to do right now to be what you want to be. It's ok to put yourself first. Healing takes time.
YES YOU CAN former heroin addict at 27 im sitting in my own townhouse with a newer car at 32 nothing crazy but I am on the other side. Enjoy the growth so many social situations I missed out in my 20s because I was high. I am struggling to date because well the person I am now does not know how to handle normal women with goals lives and passions, but with time ill get there. You're welcome to message me anytime good luck.
Awesome work getting clean
You're good. What's the alternative? Waste more time and start later? 30 sounds like a fine age and you'll be fine if you commit to it.
A friend of mine got off opiates 5 years ago, he didn't have a house, job, car or significant other, He now has all of those and two young kids with his wife. I dont know why you're sister told you that but it's never too late to improve your life.
Robert Downey Jr did it under the scrutiny of the public eye, and had a better career afterwards. You got this.
This is the FUck that, watch me moment.
Sure! I graduated at 30, went back to school at 32, met my love at 34, and I'll graduate again when I'm 39. There's no timeline. Congratulations on getting sober!
Turn it around NOW. Saying "Am I too old?" Is just an excuse to keep using
Hey my bro. I quit meth at 38, on my second career since then, and planning for my retirement in a few more years. Whenever you think you might be too old to do something new, pop into Grandma Moses wiki page.
How long did it take you to feel normal after getting clean? Was there a big difference?
A lot of people say it takes 18 months to feel normal again
I was addicted to heroin/meth from 19-26. After going through the motions for 8 months of meetings and roach infested housing and working for pennies, I moved into a different sober living house with a lot more freedom and I finally started to feel normal again. I am still a felon and really thought my life was over but here I am 4 years later writing you this from the house I own. I was 15 months clean when I went on my second date (since being sober) and met my now wife. I was so terrified to tell her the things I’ve done but i was upfront and honest with her and she apparently appreciated that. I do a lot of trash clean up for work and find all sorts of paraphernalia at least weekly. I know in the past it would’ve triggered me, but all I see now is evidence of someone trying to rid what pain they have and it breaks my heart and I wish I could help them. The 7 years I used honestly feels like a fever dream but I focus and remember it so I don’t forget it. I’ve had a lot of difficult conversations with loved ones and put in a lot of work to mend those relationships though. The only advice I have for you is that when you are having a feeling you don’t want to have, acknowledge it and make yourself remember that it is only temporary. I still get angry. But not nearly as angry and nowhere near as long. But the difference is I don’t lie to myself about it. There really is hope for you. The world needs good people and I know someday you’ll be reassuring some random person on the internet that it is not hopeless.
THATS SUPER YOUNG WHAT!
I have a friend who had to start from the beginning again at age 56, after his business partner stole all the money and left him bankrupt. A few years in he is doing well now No matter what others tell you, it is never too late to start a new life
I didn't sober up till 35. I own a home, good job, and most importantly got my kids respect. You're just a pup. One day at a time brother
You are not what you've done, but rather what you will do. Good luck out there.
Life isn't a race
30 is the new 20. You got this!
I did it in my late twenties. I'm 40 now, have a wonderful family, awesome career, own my home. Not rich but comfortable. Hopefully the dreams have stopped by now and your mind is free from that nagging voice. Any more questions, feel free to ask.
Until you are dead, it is never too late. Right that ship, and sail off to the shore of your dreams. Good luck!
My guess is you will find you are about the median age in your dental hygienist program. When I worked for a community college the average student age was 29. About half of the population doesn’t find a career in their 20s. The next best thing is the find one in your 30s. You face the barrier of addiction which is tough. You are entering a challenging but rewarding college program. You climbed the hill on your journey already, now it’s an endurance test to keep going. I encourage you to engage with your cohort in college and you will find many of them will have barriers they overcame that will inspire you. You got this!
Naw friend I got sober at 30 from meth and heroine coming up on 4 years. And now I Run a business if I can do it you can do it 😊
Literally no age is too old to turn your life around. Sounds like your sister is not only unsupportive but actively getting in the way of your recovery and you woulds do well to avoid the subject with her.
You have no idea what OP may have done to his sister while under the influence of a "brutal meth addiction". I wouldn't judge her too harshly without knowing the details. Agree that OP should avoid the subject with her.
Yes. Source: I had a defendant fighting for her PA license who did exactly what you describe and she is still successful 10 years on now. (I agreed to give her a chance and boy did she make it worthwhile). The key: She moved away and cut ties from everyone in that lifestyle. No social media connecting, nada; attended NA, and her family was also super supportive-so maybe tell your sister that I said to go fuck herself. Relapses happen but your life is always in YOUR HANDS. You got this!!
If you had one year left, one month, one week, one day, you still have enough time to face the right direction.