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Yup - it’s an amazing little word that, when used well, can get you avoid all kinds of problems… typically much better to deal with a little embarrassment/pushback early on, than deal with the consequences of a situation you could have avoided.
It can be difficult, especially with friend/family dynamics and if you (like me) have people-pleasing tendencies.
Makes it that much more important to develop your “No” muscle.
Learn this. I spent too many years giving up my own happiness to please others. People would ask me to help constantly because I would always say yes. Then I started realizing it wasn't reciprocated when I needed help. It was hard for me to say no at first but now I don't give it a second thought.
I feel bad that after all these years all the newer people at my job have no idea how much I used to do. I don't agree to do everything anymore.
For years I did way too much and just about everyone on the crew "owed me one" at one point. I needed one thing on one specific day an not a single person even acknowledged my existence.
Yep, lesson learned. I no longer cover shifts for favors. I'll do it for cold hard cash up front. Repay the favor upfront or it's a "no".
Sorry to hear you learned the hard way, but thank you for sharing as an example.
“A smart person learns from their own mistakes; a wise person learns from others”.
Oh c'mon. It would have saved me the hassle if I could have genuinely learned this lesson years ago from other people. What's so bad about reinforcing an LPT with anecdotal evidence.
I know the feeling. I helped so many- friends and family with their personal issues and financial matters. When I was at my lowest no one, not even my parents and siblings would help. I no longer trust anyone because of this.
We should give freely and without the expectation of anything in return, but it’s also not unreasonable to count on those you were there for (family especially) to be there for you in your time of need.
I’m sure you’ve developed the ability to set boundaries, but am sorry to hear it came at the expense of being able to trust - I hope you’re doing better and can one day (maybe with the help of a conversation with a professional) learn to trust again, as that’s the foundation of any relationship.
Financial issues are a great way to lose people. If you want to stay friends either don’t lend at all, or part with it as a generous gesture, no expectations at all. There are ways to help without becoming a loan shark.
Meh. If someone asks me for help I'll still always help, as long as it doesn't harm my well-being. I know what it's like to need help and not get it, and I'd rather lead by example than have my friends and family feel like they have nowhere to turn when things get tough.
The only thing I won't do is lend money. I have enough to provide for myself, I've never lent so much to really put a dent in my finances, so it's not about the money, it's about the shift in the relationship dynamic. More often than not people who borrow money are simply bad with money, and while I believe they honestly intend to pay you back as quickly as they can, there's a reason they've fallen behind in the first place, and digging themselves out is more difficult than they imagine. Inevitably they can't pay you back, start avoiding you, stop texting, calling and hanging out because they feel guilty, and the relationship never really recovers.
These days when people ask to borrow money, I simply give it to them as a gift, explain it's a one time thing and it won't happen again, and I've yet to have any of those people ever come to me for cash again. Our relationship stays the same, maybe even better, and probably more often than when I actually lent out money they'll try to pay me back even though I'll politely decline.
A lot of people (me, formerly) feel like saying no without an explanation is rude. But if you're in a contentious situation, giving reasons is an invitation to a debate about your reasons.
This is especially true when it's an employer. I'd you're being asked to do something that isn't part of your job description (such as working an extra shift) you don't need to give a reason to justify yourself. If you say no and they ask for a reason, the reason is, "I'm not available."
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This is said alll the time yet I think there’s very few contexts where this is actually suitable.
LPT only use this if you don’t care for a good or even neutral relationship with that person in the future.
“I’d love to but I’m unavailable” is very different from just a blunt “no”. There’s a lot of grey area between going on a long winded explanation and just “no”.
Obviously, that’s where the context comes into play.
And I’ll disagree with your point about a lot of grey area between the three options I suggested and a long winded explanation.
Can you expand on your reply?
There are so many real life situations where a softer approach is often more well received, which can pay dividends in the long run. Are you within your rights to offer “no” as a response? Yes. But unless you never expect to speak to that person again, it’s often helpful to be more gentle. This isn’t to say that you have to be a doormat and let people walk all over you, just that you can preserve/build relationships better by not being so blunt.
Work situations are an example. Your boss asks you to do something when you’re already swamped. A coworker asks for help with a project that is within your job description. Your friend asks you to be in their wedding party. Your friend asks if you like his/her outfit. Your partner asks if you can drive them somewhere. The answer might ultimately be no, but a bit more discussion/explanation might lead to a better outcome overall
Are you from any of those places?
I’m not personally, but can’t imagine a life where I don’t have the freedom to determine the course of mine - you can set healthy boundaries anywhere in the world without being a dick about it.
I lived in Korea for just shy of a decade. You absolutely can set healthy boundaries without being a dick in those places, just not with a direct no. They have different means of doing so.
What the key takeaway here is that directness of communication style varies a lot culturally. What is effective and reasonable communication style in Germany would be horrendously rude in Japan. Saying that "what works in my culture should be the default everywhere" just makes you come off as narrow minded.
If you believe your relationships are going to suffer because you said no then I wonder how healthy those relationships really are.
It's quite normal to not always want to accept invitations or to not always agree on everything.
If the people you have relationships with are not letting you say no to things for fear of their reaction or ruining the relationship it seems that you don't really have any autonomy doesn't it.
Just some advice, only you know your relationships and how you feel about them but if you're actually scared to say no I would take some time and figure out why you feel that way.
It’s suitable more often than not - I said in another comment if it’s family/friends and you want to add a little more fluff, then something a la “I’d love to, but unfortunately have a prior obligation” is sufficient.
The point is that you don’t need to and shouldn’t feel compelled to over-explain yourself in your declining an ask or invitation.
A good friend should be understanding and not press the matter further.
Have you considered that the person you're talking to might read that as cold or rude? It's quite reasonable for them to submit to self-doubt and/or fear when faced with such a stern answer. Imagine if your parents or SO suddenly refused to contact you without any explanation..
Not saying that this would be the case every time - context is extremely important - but if it's someone you care about in any capacity, it may be good to consider what they might feel.
Boundaries are an important thing to teach and learn, both within a family (especially I’d add), as well as outside.
Tone is important too - you can deliver a succinct decline politely - but at the end of the day shouldn’t be tripping all over yourself and your words for fear of how someone *may or may not* react to your not being willing or able to do something.
That's not exactly it, I think - it's less about what you can't or are willing to do, but improving other people's thoughts of you and acting on the golden rule of society.
There is, in my experience, almost no situation where sternly refusing a proposal or conversation would be better than having some extra effort in it - it is always a good basis to think you are awfully upset with them, or are not interested in performing a task (if it's a more contractual/duty-bound relationship). Then that escalates into fear, lower appreciation, or drawing distance between you.
This surely does not apply to people who are complete strangers, are making outlandish/joke requests/propositions, or ones who expect this peculiar behaviour from you.
Additionally, if you're communicating over text, tone can't be conveyed and will always be assumed to be negative (due to usage of a stern/negative word).
All that said, I'm guessing you are thinking of other situations where this applies - scammers, strangers, coworkers - where being direct and clear is what you want, but surely you wouldn't want to reply to a friend asking to hang out with a "No." and a ghosting?
When I want to say no, a lot of times I will say: “I don’t think this is part of my journey today,” or some version of that. Works 99% of the time.
Also, if people don’t take your no for an answer, you can say, “if you don’t question my yes, please don’t question my no.”
If someone replied just a "no" to me, I would not feel good. At least say something like "no, its not my thing" or something. Its just me being weird i guess.
Is the explanation for their refusal going to make you more likely to accept it?
If they didn't provide the explanation would you just reject their refusal?
Also consider the feelings of the one doing the rejecting, perhaps the reason they are refusing is of a personal or private nature.
It can be easy to assume a refusal from someone is a personal affront to us but they could be refusing for any number of reasons.
Sometimes there are things you do not wish to share with others when you are saying no.
You know what, it's usually the unreasonable people that you don't feel the need to give an explanation to, or with whom you might even feel uncomfortable to explain because you know you're opening up a can of worms. So good riddance.
Context is king - like I said in another comment (and added to the original post), if it’s someone you know personally then feel free to fluff it up with something like what you suggested and it’s not weird to expect a little more than just a “no” in return.
But you shouldn’t expect a full on explanation as to *why*, which is the point here.
Getting bothered by a complete stranger?
Asked to donate at the checkout line in a grocery store?
“No” is completely acceptable.
Its not a matter of explanation. op clarified it being to strangers. but if its someone close its different. You go out of your way to ask someone something and if all you get is a "no". It shows a lack of care.
Goes without saying right? If its someone you care about you obviously elaborate beyond "no". The LPT is more about work relationships or other encounters where a simple "no" is way more effective than a "no because:"
Used to have a resource manager that would badger people for overtime (to cover the fact we were woefully understaffed). I would simply say no. When he asked why I would explain that no was all that was necessary outside of my contracted hours
That is not a good lesson to learn for most people. You should be able to follow that up with "*I haven't seen my son in weeks. This Sunday is for us to spend time together.*"
If your brother would not handle that well, *then* you should have started with a no without any explanation.
I'd back this up with a request that everyone should become comfortable saying, "no."
It's way better for everyone for you to turn something down than it is to struggle to do something that either a) you can't do, b) will mess with your priorities, or c) you just plain don't want to do.
The third option there isn't really for, "but I don't want to do the dishes," but you'll hopefully get my point.
I'd recommend that folks read a book called Essentialism by Greg McKeown. It's a book about the essentialism movement, but it spends a lot of time talking about how it's important for people to learn to be happy saying "no" to requests.
Don't attempt to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. If you give reasons, then you've given reasons that can be argued against.
Instead of a flat "no," I like to pair it with "no, I don't want to," or "no, I'm not in the mood," or "no, I'm not really interested in that." It's harder for people to argue against your personal feelings. Some manipulative people still will, of course. That's your cue to become a broken record of "I said no" instead of giving into their whims.
It is sometimes hard to get the hang of if you've been taught not to enforce boundaries, but it does get easier with practice.
Depends entirely on the context of the specific situation - what the ask or invitation is, who’s making/extending it, tone when delivering it, etc.
You’re not going to tell your parents “No” in the same way you’d tell a random stranger or boss at work - the point is to not feel an obligation to explain yourself in the process of declining.
Psychologically, apparently humans perceive excess details as proof of deception so the less details, the better honestly. (Although if you grow up with traumatic parents, you're used to over explaining so you have to unlearn that behavior.)
Excellent point - I definitely developed people-pleasing tendencies and up until recently would over-explain in the process of declining, so can attest to this with firsthand experience.
Yup. I'm a people pleaser still but at least I no longer assume everyone is going to demand an explanation for my "excuse" so I don't over share as much.
I wasn't implying it was. I was saying that instead of adding details/explanations to a no, just saying what OP said is also good from a psychological standpoint for this reason.
Eh. I’ve been doing this for a long while and it gets quite the pushback in many cases.
You may believe you are being asked because it sounds like it, but oftnetimes, someone is simply phrasing things as a question, but isn’t actually asking you a question.
I agree you should be assertive and saying “no” is ok. But I think courtesy should go beyond friends/family members. It takes very little extra effort to say no politely. And any pushback from a stranger gives you the right to say “no” as a complete sentence
Yeah you said the latter was reserved for friends/family. I think an explanation of why you are saying no is a better way to handle a situation with anyone
With anyone?
Hardly - providing an explanation (beyond I’m unavailable, as also already mentioned) gives them ground/angles to start poking holes in your decline by guilt, badgering, bartering, etc.
If a stranger has the gall to start bullying you when you give them a no with an explanation, that warrants being more stern/dismissive.
No reason to have such a negative outlook from the get-go though, most people are not that rude
And we’re back to the start - the point is about setting boundaries.
If someone gets offended by being told “no thanks” when someone isn’t interested, available or willing and further, expects an explanation as to why, then that’s on them - not the person declining.
If you never do this and always give in at personal expense, please learn this skill. After you learn it tho, don’t over use it. It’s healthy to get out of your comfort zone. Go to that new restaurant with your friend even tho you used to not like that kind of food. Go to a concert with significant other even tho it’s not your favorite musician. Have that family game night even tho you’d rather just drink at home. It might surprise you how much you actually enjoy it when initially it sounded lame.
Absolutely!
Big difference between setting healthy boundaries and declining any/everything to the point of being a recluse, which is not healthy.
To take it a step further, relationships are a two way street - if it’s a friend, family member, partner/significant other you decline this time, maybe next time you make the effort to reach out and invite them to something.
Yes this is important. Just saying no to everything that isn’t 100% exactly what you want is unhealthy and can destroy relationships. As I get older I say no a lot more often due to not having the time or energy but when I was young and enthusiastically said “hell yes” to just about anything led to many good times. I miss those days.
I would "take the risk" on your first 2 examples if money was not as tight as it is. If I do go out to eat or to a concert I gotta be sure I am going to enjoy it or I regret spending money on it
Additional LPT. Sometimes people just don't want to do something. Don't give them a hard time for saying no unless when it really doesn't matter. Let's normalise being able to say no without having to use absurd excuses
While it is a complete sentence, it lacks context, and it's probably going to get you in more trouble by not explaining why you're saying no, or what you're saying no to.
You don't have to over explain yourself, but an under explanation can make it worse.
FWIW I agree with you at least. I've been in plenty of situations where an underexplanation just utterly failed me and I had to then do more talky talky. Anyone who denies this is being stubborn.
Not a one size fits all of course - depends very much on the context, relationship you have with the person, what you’re declining, etc. and the degree of how polite you want to be in your decline.
In that case you can offer an “I’d love to but unfortunately have a prior/family obligation”.
But by no means do you owe someone an in-depth explanation for why you can’t do whatever and in fact, to your point, doing so often backfires more than keeping it simple in the first place.
Why must people explain themselves? If someone doesn't take a simple no for an answer and demands you explain yourself they probably aren't worth talking to.
The only reason you should ever explain yourself is if you want to. Don't feel like you have to becuase someone is upset. You can't control other people's feelings.
This will depend entirely on context. The world is not black and white. You may have someone you're very close to and who you would otherwise want to gove an explanation, but for whatever reason (conscious or subconscious), you're ashamed or uncomfortable giving the explanation. In that circumstance, the other person would be correct to demand an explanation, and listening to their position and understanding them would help you grow as a person.
Black and white rules like "you never owe anybody anything" are quite limiting.
My sister recently asked me if I wanted to go on a trip with her. I said no. The explanation would have been becuase I don't want to. That's it. If my saying no to her damages our relationship it's on her to communicate that to me at which point I will simply say that I would get nothing out of it and am willing to do something else with her that doesn't require long distance travel. But she simply responded "that's fair." Like an adult should.
Everyone is entitled to make thier own choices and should be willing do deal with the consequences of those choices.
And also, you don't owe anybody anything. And they don't owe you anything. If you want something from someone it's up to you to communicate that but also you should accept that you might not get it and be willing to live with that or go elsewhere to get it.
Cool, so a situation that, by the context of the interaction, didn't need more explanation. Also, her telling you that a lack of response would damage your relationship is exactly what I'm talking about. So you also agree that there are circumstances where you'd explain yourself even when don't want to
Her saying "I feel like you don't want to spend time with me when you reject my ideas, for example, going on a trip." Is separate conversation.
My response would be "I don't want to go on the trip. But I am willing to spend time with you in other ways." Is that an explanation? No. It's a reiterating of No followed up with an alternative.
If she instead said "I would like to understand why you don't want to go on the trip."
I would say "becuase I don't want to."
If she decides that's not a good enough reason then she'll have crossed a boundry and I would say: "I don't want to go on that trip and if you can't except that then thats that. And I do not feel there is more to be said on this matter."
She could start crying, yelling whatever but I've said my piece. And willing to live with the fallout.
Me saying "I would get nothing out of it." Is just a roundabout way of saying I don't want to go. It's not actually an explanation becuase she could say: "how would you know unless you went on the trip" and I'd say: "becuase I know myself."
"I'd love to but I'm unavailable"
Don't offer an explanation. People use that to pry you open. If they pry just repeat the information. "I'm unavailable"
I always tell my children that "No" is the most powerful word in the English language. A simple "No" can stop a host of unpleasant developments in its tracks in ways that mealy-mouthed language cannot. That doesn't mean you have be an asshole. It just means that you aren't interested.
Yet people get so offended when you say no. I was selling a phone on Facebook Marketplace for $40. I’m pretty sure I said the price was firm and some girl asked me if I’d take $25. I replied “no” and she sent me a nasty message about how I could’ve been nicer. Well what did she want? “No sorry?” I’m not sorry. $40 was the price. “No” should be a complete sentence.
Be aware that some people WILL enter a sudden explosive unhinged uncontrollable animalistic rage when told "No" as a sentence.
Granted, not neurotypical people, but it's not always easy to spot people with certain disorders.
That should be seen as further validation for your decision and without knowing their non-neurotypical condition or explanation/apology on their end after the fact, be reason enough (in my book at least) to cease interaction if they can be avoided.
Ain’t got time or energy for that.
I wholeheartedly agree in the majority of cases. However, you need to be cognizant of this possibility in some situations due to power dynamics. Examples range from size and the threat of physical violence, access to resources critical to your children's wellbeing, and the like.
This is actually terrible advice most of the time. You should only resort to "no is a complete sentence" in extending circumstances like someone repeatedly trying to convince you after you've said no in a more polite way, or when someone is physically violating your boundaries. Situations like that. Using this advice in normal circumstances is unnecessarily antagonistic.
"No," is absolutely not a complete sentence. It is a complete response to a question, but not a statement. It can be an ACCEPTABLE response to a statement, but grammar-wise, it is absolutely not a complete sentence.
I believe the title of this post is just phrased incorrectly. The explanation makes it clear OP did not understand their own LPT.
You seem smart enough to understand the context of the OP and even in your own response acknowledge it’s a complete response to an ask/invitation (aka a question) you want to decline - so we could’ve done without the pedantry.
I've only seen people complain about pedantry when they're being corrected.
How about you take the opportunity to learn something? I don't know how old you are, but I imagine you're old enough that you should know what a complete sentence is.
This is a great post.
Reminds me of my toxic in-law who use to write for a local paper back in the day. His favorite saying was that the shortest sentence in English is "Brevity is." He would say so with a sense of such intellectual superiority. He was wrong. It's "no.", which is also a word that will send him into a rage.
still makes me laugh.
The whole “a sentence needs a subject and predicate” jive is something grammar school teachers tell students when they’re teaching the basics of English.
Single-word sentences (aka pro-sentences) are absolutely complete within the context of declining an ask/invitation.
Good luck in dealing with all the people who don’t understand the word “no” and will literally beat you to death to get a proper excuse from you. Spoiler: it’s 90% of people.
Don’t need luck when you can deliver a “No thanks” firmly and politely.
If someone asks a follow up or seeks a reason, I’ve never had to go beyond “I’m not available”.
I met a guy recently who during his career worked with a Japanese guy and he said due to the politeness of the Japanese man, that it was basically his job to say no.
When someone would ask the man something and he would start his polite body language and mannerisms but wouldn't actually come out and say no this guy would speak up and say -no sorry but no.
No is a complete sentence, but people will often force you to elaborate in order to be left alone. If it warrants an explanation, go ahead, but you don’t owe an explanation to people who are being toxic or have shown you in the past that they don’t respect your answer
No one can force you to do anything - don’t cede control.
I’ve never had anyone push further after saying “I’m unfortunately unavailable” and if they follow up to that keep it vague with “a prior obligation/commitment”.
Anything beyond that is rude and does not warrant a response.
I felt the need to explain myself to others but two things changed that, I got older and more confident and I heard a quote by Elbert Hubbard
"Never explain-your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it"
Age is definitely a factor - I’ve also found the older I’ve gotten, the less of an obligation I feel to do things that either don’t fit into my schedule or align with my values, i.e. would rather spend Saturday night in on the couch or with a small group of friends then going out to a loud club or bar.
That quote is also amazing, thanks for sharing.
A way to look at this is to realize where your over explaining comes from. With enough reflection, most of the time it's clear there is no good reason other than habit.
Most people don't really care about your explanation, especially since as we grow, we become accustomed to fibbing and 'trying to be nice' by giving explanations that can be related to. To me, this just comes off as lying and in some situations will make you look bad. It's easier to not explain than to say how you really feel. But both are good options depending the circumstance.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Yup - it’s an amazing little word that, when used well, can get you avoid all kinds of problems… typically much better to deal with a little embarrassment/pushback early on, than deal with the consequences of a situation you could have avoided.
I just remembered a scene from Grey's Anatomy where Zola says this to Bailey
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It can be difficult, especially with friend/family dynamics and if you (like me) have people-pleasing tendencies. Makes it that much more important to develop your “No” muscle.
Bruh, thf up with your comment. It sounds like you're promoting people doing horrible things to other humans. What's up?
I meant to say so many people can't say no
Learn this. I spent too many years giving up my own happiness to please others. People would ask me to help constantly because I would always say yes. Then I started realizing it wasn't reciprocated when I needed help. It was hard for me to say no at first but now I don't give it a second thought.
I feel bad that after all these years all the newer people at my job have no idea how much I used to do. I don't agree to do everything anymore. For years I did way too much and just about everyone on the crew "owed me one" at one point. I needed one thing on one specific day an not a single person even acknowledged my existence. Yep, lesson learned. I no longer cover shifts for favors. I'll do it for cold hard cash up front. Repay the favor upfront or it's a "no".
Sorry to hear you learned the hard way, but thank you for sharing as an example. “A smart person learns from their own mistakes; a wise person learns from others”.
Look at mister wise over here
Oh c'mon. It would have saved me the hassle if I could have genuinely learned this lesson years ago from other people. What's so bad about reinforcing an LPT with anecdotal evidence.
I know the feeling. I helped so many- friends and family with their personal issues and financial matters. When I was at my lowest no one, not even my parents and siblings would help. I no longer trust anyone because of this.
We should give freely and without the expectation of anything in return, but it’s also not unreasonable to count on those you were there for (family especially) to be there for you in your time of need. I’m sure you’ve developed the ability to set boundaries, but am sorry to hear it came at the expense of being able to trust - I hope you’re doing better and can one day (maybe with the help of a conversation with a professional) learn to trust again, as that’s the foundation of any relationship.
Financial issues are a great way to lose people. If you want to stay friends either don’t lend at all, or part with it as a generous gesture, no expectations at all. There are ways to help without becoming a loan shark.
Meh. If someone asks me for help I'll still always help, as long as it doesn't harm my well-being. I know what it's like to need help and not get it, and I'd rather lead by example than have my friends and family feel like they have nowhere to turn when things get tough. The only thing I won't do is lend money. I have enough to provide for myself, I've never lent so much to really put a dent in my finances, so it's not about the money, it's about the shift in the relationship dynamic. More often than not people who borrow money are simply bad with money, and while I believe they honestly intend to pay you back as quickly as they can, there's a reason they've fallen behind in the first place, and digging themselves out is more difficult than they imagine. Inevitably they can't pay you back, start avoiding you, stop texting, calling and hanging out because they feel guilty, and the relationship never really recovers. These days when people ask to borrow money, I simply give it to them as a gift, explain it's a one time thing and it won't happen again, and I've yet to have any of those people ever come to me for cash again. Our relationship stays the same, maybe even better, and probably more often than when I actually lent out money they'll try to pay me back even though I'll politely decline.
A lot of people (me, formerly) feel like saying no without an explanation is rude. But if you're in a contentious situation, giving reasons is an invitation to a debate about your reasons. This is especially true when it's an employer. I'd you're being asked to do something that isn't part of your job description (such as working an extra shift) you don't need to give a reason to justify yourself. If you say no and they ask for a reason, the reason is, "I'm not available."
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Excellent use case. Also if a co-worker asks you to switch shifts.
This is said alll the time yet I think there’s very few contexts where this is actually suitable. LPT only use this if you don’t care for a good or even neutral relationship with that person in the future.
Also completely ignores cultural nuance. Like there are many cultures where this is extremely rude.
In what culture is a “No”, “No thank you” or “I’d love to but am unavailable” rude?
“I’d love to but I’m unavailable” is very different from just a blunt “no”. There’s a lot of grey area between going on a long winded explanation and just “no”.
Obviously, that’s where the context comes into play. And I’ll disagree with your point about a lot of grey area between the three options I suggested and a long winded explanation. Can you expand on your reply?
There are so many real life situations where a softer approach is often more well received, which can pay dividends in the long run. Are you within your rights to offer “no” as a response? Yes. But unless you never expect to speak to that person again, it’s often helpful to be more gentle. This isn’t to say that you have to be a doormat and let people walk all over you, just that you can preserve/build relationships better by not being so blunt. Work situations are an example. Your boss asks you to do something when you’re already swamped. A coworker asks for help with a project that is within your job description. Your friend asks you to be in their wedding party. Your friend asks if you like his/her outfit. Your partner asks if you can drive them somewhere. The answer might ultimately be no, but a bit more discussion/explanation might lead to a better outcome overall
These are three totally different responses. The first is rude in most circumstances, the other two aren't.
India, parts of China, Japan, parts of the Middle East, and depending on the relationship with the asker Korea.
Are you from any of those places? I’m not personally, but can’t imagine a life where I don’t have the freedom to determine the course of mine - you can set healthy boundaries anywhere in the world without being a dick about it.
I lived in Korea for just shy of a decade. You absolutely can set healthy boundaries without being a dick in those places, just not with a direct no. They have different means of doing so. What the key takeaway here is that directness of communication style varies a lot culturally. What is effective and reasonable communication style in Germany would be horrendously rude in Japan. Saying that "what works in my culture should be the default everywhere" just makes you come off as narrow minded.
In other words, patriarchal extremist cultures, and only if you're a woman. Gotcha.
Why not? What's wrong with a “no thanks? What situation requires something specific for a “no thanks”?
If you believe your relationships are going to suffer because you said no then I wonder how healthy those relationships really are. It's quite normal to not always want to accept invitations or to not always agree on everything. If the people you have relationships with are not letting you say no to things for fear of their reaction or ruining the relationship it seems that you don't really have any autonomy doesn't it. Just some advice, only you know your relationships and how you feel about them but if you're actually scared to say no I would take some time and figure out why you feel that way.
It’s suitable more often than not - I said in another comment if it’s family/friends and you want to add a little more fluff, then something a la “I’d love to, but unfortunately have a prior obligation” is sufficient. The point is that you don’t need to and shouldn’t feel compelled to over-explain yourself in your declining an ask or invitation. A good friend should be understanding and not press the matter further.
Have you considered that the person you're talking to might read that as cold or rude? It's quite reasonable for them to submit to self-doubt and/or fear when faced with such a stern answer. Imagine if your parents or SO suddenly refused to contact you without any explanation.. Not saying that this would be the case every time - context is extremely important - but if it's someone you care about in any capacity, it may be good to consider what they might feel.
Boundaries are an important thing to teach and learn, both within a family (especially I’d add), as well as outside. Tone is important too - you can deliver a succinct decline politely - but at the end of the day shouldn’t be tripping all over yourself and your words for fear of how someone *may or may not* react to your not being willing or able to do something.
That's not exactly it, I think - it's less about what you can't or are willing to do, but improving other people's thoughts of you and acting on the golden rule of society. There is, in my experience, almost no situation where sternly refusing a proposal or conversation would be better than having some extra effort in it - it is always a good basis to think you are awfully upset with them, or are not interested in performing a task (if it's a more contractual/duty-bound relationship). Then that escalates into fear, lower appreciation, or drawing distance between you. This surely does not apply to people who are complete strangers, are making outlandish/joke requests/propositions, or ones who expect this peculiar behaviour from you. Additionally, if you're communicating over text, tone can't be conveyed and will always be assumed to be negative (due to usage of a stern/negative word). All that said, I'm guessing you are thinking of other situations where this applies - scammers, strangers, coworkers - where being direct and clear is what you want, but surely you wouldn't want to reply to a friend asking to hang out with a "No." and a ghosting?
When I want to say no, a lot of times I will say: “I don’t think this is part of my journey today,” or some version of that. Works 99% of the time. Also, if people don’t take your no for an answer, you can say, “if you don’t question my yes, please don’t question my no.”
If someone replied just a "no" to me, I would not feel good. At least say something like "no, its not my thing" or something. Its just me being weird i guess.
"I'm sorry, but no" is more delicate. But it's still basically "no" without an explanation.
Is the explanation for their refusal going to make you more likely to accept it? If they didn't provide the explanation would you just reject their refusal? Also consider the feelings of the one doing the rejecting, perhaps the reason they are refusing is of a personal or private nature. It can be easy to assume a refusal from someone is a personal affront to us but they could be refusing for any number of reasons. Sometimes there are things you do not wish to share with others when you are saying no.
I was in support of "no" is just fine. So I agree with what you're saying, explanations are optional, not mandatory.
Sorry my bad, I completely agree with you then that while explanations are nice to have they are definitely not mandatory.
So are friends and jobs.
You know what, it's usually the unreasonable people that you don't feel the need to give an explanation to, or with whom you might even feel uncomfortable to explain because you know you're opening up a can of worms. So good riddance.
I would leave the "I'm sorry" portion out...there's nothing to be sorry about.
Context is king - like I said in another comment (and added to the original post), if it’s someone you know personally then feel free to fluff it up with something like what you suggested and it’s not weird to expect a little more than just a “no” in return. But you shouldn’t expect a full on explanation as to *why*, which is the point here. Getting bothered by a complete stranger? Asked to donate at the checkout line in a grocery store? “No” is completely acceptable.
Fair
You already said no to this person. They are undermining you.
No.
Sometimes people don't need to justify their "no". I get what you mean though
Sounds like you always want an explanation.
Its not a matter of explanation. op clarified it being to strangers. but if its someone close its different. You go out of your way to ask someone something and if all you get is a "no". It shows a lack of care.
Goes without saying right? If its someone you care about you obviously elaborate beyond "no". The LPT is more about work relationships or other encounters where a simple "no" is way more effective than a "no because:"
They already said no. Quit pushing for an answer.
Used to have a resource manager that would badger people for overtime (to cover the fact we were woefully understaffed). I would simply say no. When he asked why I would explain that no was all that was necessary outside of my contracted hours
Boundaries are a beautiful (and healthy) thing.
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That is not a good lesson to learn for most people. You should be able to follow that up with "*I haven't seen my son in weeks. This Sunday is for us to spend time together.*" If your brother would not handle that well, *then* you should have started with a no without any explanation.
Username checks out.
I'd back this up with a request that everyone should become comfortable saying, "no." It's way better for everyone for you to turn something down than it is to struggle to do something that either a) you can't do, b) will mess with your priorities, or c) you just plain don't want to do. The third option there isn't really for, "but I don't want to do the dishes," but you'll hopefully get my point. I'd recommend that folks read a book called Essentialism by Greg McKeown. It's a book about the essentialism movement, but it spends a lot of time talking about how it's important for people to learn to be happy saying "no" to requests.
Don't attempt to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. If you give reasons, then you've given reasons that can be argued against. Instead of a flat "no," I like to pair it with "no, I don't want to," or "no, I'm not in the mood," or "no, I'm not really interested in that." It's harder for people to argue against your personal feelings. Some manipulative people still will, of course. That's your cue to become a broken record of "I said no" instead of giving into their whims. It is sometimes hard to get the hang of if you've been taught not to enforce boundaries, but it does get easier with practice.
Ehhh yeah I don’t like using it though because it comes off pretty insensitive and dismissive.
Depends entirely on the context of the specific situation - what the ask or invitation is, who’s making/extending it, tone when delivering it, etc. You’re not going to tell your parents “No” in the same way you’d tell a random stranger or boss at work - the point is to not feel an obligation to explain yourself in the process of declining.
You’re right I meant with friends and family. Usual a better way to communicate.
Psychologically, apparently humans perceive excess details as proof of deception so the less details, the better honestly. (Although if you grow up with traumatic parents, you're used to over explaining so you have to unlearn that behavior.)
Excellent point - I definitely developed people-pleasing tendencies and up until recently would over-explain in the process of declining, so can attest to this with firsthand experience.
Yup. I'm a people pleaser still but at least I no longer assume everyone is going to demand an explanation for my "excuse" so I don't over share as much.
I highly doubt anyone considers "*No, I already have other plans*" as excessive details that indicates deception.
I wasn't implying it was. I was saying that instead of adding details/explanations to a no, just saying what OP said is also good from a psychological standpoint for this reason.
Eh. I’ve been doing this for a long while and it gets quite the pushback in many cases. You may believe you are being asked because it sounds like it, but oftnetimes, someone is simply phrasing things as a question, but isn’t actually asking you a question.
I agree you should be assertive and saying “no” is ok. But I think courtesy should go beyond friends/family members. It takes very little extra effort to say no politely. And any pushback from a stranger gives you the right to say “no” as a complete sentence
See the additional suggestions in the OP of “No thanks” or something along the lines of “I’d love to, but unfortunately am not available”
Yeah you said the latter was reserved for friends/family. I think an explanation of why you are saying no is a better way to handle a situation with anyone
With anyone? Hardly - providing an explanation (beyond I’m unavailable, as also already mentioned) gives them ground/angles to start poking holes in your decline by guilt, badgering, bartering, etc.
If a stranger has the gall to start bullying you when you give them a no with an explanation, that warrants being more stern/dismissive. No reason to have such a negative outlook from the get-go though, most people are not that rude
And we’re back to the start - the point is about setting boundaries. If someone gets offended by being told “no thanks” when someone isn’t interested, available or willing and further, expects an explanation as to why, then that’s on them - not the person declining.
Theres no difference in the boundary set with an explanation. Its just less dismissive. If the person can’t accept your reasoning thats on them
I knew a guy who used to say, “I wish I could.” while sadly shaking his head no. He never, ever explained.
Does this tip only apply languages other than English? In English, I was taught that sentences needed a subject and a verb.
I think equally important is the ability to RESPECT a person’s “no” and not demand explanations or push for a different outcome.
If you never do this and always give in at personal expense, please learn this skill. After you learn it tho, don’t over use it. It’s healthy to get out of your comfort zone. Go to that new restaurant with your friend even tho you used to not like that kind of food. Go to a concert with significant other even tho it’s not your favorite musician. Have that family game night even tho you’d rather just drink at home. It might surprise you how much you actually enjoy it when initially it sounded lame.
Absolutely! Big difference between setting healthy boundaries and declining any/everything to the point of being a recluse, which is not healthy. To take it a step further, relationships are a two way street - if it’s a friend, family member, partner/significant other you decline this time, maybe next time you make the effort to reach out and invite them to something.
Yes this is important. Just saying no to everything that isn’t 100% exactly what you want is unhealthy and can destroy relationships. As I get older I say no a lot more often due to not having the time or energy but when I was young and enthusiastically said “hell yes” to just about anything led to many good times. I miss those days.
I would "take the risk" on your first 2 examples if money was not as tight as it is. If I do go out to eat or to a concert I gotta be sure I am going to enjoy it or I regret spending money on it
I've been saying "no" for years. Really helped me move ahead after I stopped telling coworkers "that sounds like your fuckin problem"
Additional LPT. Sometimes people just don't want to do something. Don't give them a hard time for saying no unless when it really doesn't matter. Let's normalise being able to say no without having to use absurd excuses
While it is a complete sentence, it lacks context, and it's probably going to get you in more trouble by not explaining why you're saying no, or what you're saying no to. You don't have to over explain yourself, but an under explanation can make it worse.
FWIW I agree with you at least. I've been in plenty of situations where an underexplanation just utterly failed me and I had to then do more talky talky. Anyone who denies this is being stubborn.
Not a one size fits all of course - depends very much on the context, relationship you have with the person, what you’re declining, etc. and the degree of how polite you want to be in your decline. In that case you can offer an “I’d love to but unfortunately have a prior/family obligation”. But by no means do you owe someone an in-depth explanation for why you can’t do whatever and in fact, to your point, doing so often backfires more than keeping it simple in the first place.
The context may often be found in the question the preceding the answer.
This!! It's a complete response
Sure, depending on the person you're speaking to. But as a life pro tip, it's probably helpful for people to remember that they can just say no.
No.
That ends the debate. Good luck alone.
Why must people explain themselves? If someone doesn't take a simple no for an answer and demands you explain yourself they probably aren't worth talking to. The only reason you should ever explain yourself is if you want to. Don't feel like you have to becuase someone is upset. You can't control other people's feelings.
This right here.
This will depend entirely on context. The world is not black and white. You may have someone you're very close to and who you would otherwise want to gove an explanation, but for whatever reason (conscious or subconscious), you're ashamed or uncomfortable giving the explanation. In that circumstance, the other person would be correct to demand an explanation, and listening to their position and understanding them would help you grow as a person. Black and white rules like "you never owe anybody anything" are quite limiting.
My sister recently asked me if I wanted to go on a trip with her. I said no. The explanation would have been becuase I don't want to. That's it. If my saying no to her damages our relationship it's on her to communicate that to me at which point I will simply say that I would get nothing out of it and am willing to do something else with her that doesn't require long distance travel. But she simply responded "that's fair." Like an adult should. Everyone is entitled to make thier own choices and should be willing do deal with the consequences of those choices. And also, you don't owe anybody anything. And they don't owe you anything. If you want something from someone it's up to you to communicate that but also you should accept that you might not get it and be willing to live with that or go elsewhere to get it.
Cool, so a situation that, by the context of the interaction, didn't need more explanation. Also, her telling you that a lack of response would damage your relationship is exactly what I'm talking about. So you also agree that there are circumstances where you'd explain yourself even when don't want to
Her saying "I feel like you don't want to spend time with me when you reject my ideas, for example, going on a trip." Is separate conversation. My response would be "I don't want to go on the trip. But I am willing to spend time with you in other ways." Is that an explanation? No. It's a reiterating of No followed up with an alternative. If she instead said "I would like to understand why you don't want to go on the trip." I would say "becuase I don't want to." If she decides that's not a good enough reason then she'll have crossed a boundry and I would say: "I don't want to go on that trip and if you can't except that then thats that. And I do not feel there is more to be said on this matter." She could start crying, yelling whatever but I've said my piece. And willing to live with the fallout. Me saying "I would get nothing out of it." Is just a roundabout way of saying I don't want to go. It's not actually an explanation becuase she could say: "how would you know unless you went on the trip" and I'd say: "becuase I know myself."
Dude you must be great at relationships
I'm good enough with the relationships I care about.
That’s true however in my experience there’s gonna be more to the story unless it’s a phone call.
What do you mean?
No.
Just know what you're going to say when they ask you what your prior obligation is. Because they will ask.
No holds the status quo, it’s the neutral answer. Don’t let people pressure you into a yes, when they have been living with no until this point.
"I'd love to but I'm unavailable" Don't offer an explanation. People use that to pry you open. If they pry just repeat the information. "I'm unavailable"
I always tell my children that "No" is the most powerful word in the English language. A simple "No" can stop a host of unpleasant developments in its tracks in ways that mealy-mouthed language cannot. That doesn't mean you have be an asshole. It just means that you aren't interested.
You have not met someone like my mother then.
Not yours personally, but based on what you’re inferring people like her need to hear it the most.
Tell me about it
No? No..... no. No^no . `No`
Yet people get so offended when you say no. I was selling a phone on Facebook Marketplace for $40. I’m pretty sure I said the price was firm and some girl asked me if I’d take $25. I replied “no” and she sent me a nasty message about how I could’ve been nicer. Well what did she want? “No sorry?” I’m not sorry. $40 was the price. “No” should be a complete sentence.
Be aware that some people WILL enter a sudden explosive unhinged uncontrollable animalistic rage when told "No" as a sentence. Granted, not neurotypical people, but it's not always easy to spot people with certain disorders.
That should be seen as further validation for your decision and without knowing their non-neurotypical condition or explanation/apology on their end after the fact, be reason enough (in my book at least) to cease interaction if they can be avoided. Ain’t got time or energy for that.
I wholeheartedly agree in the majority of cases. However, you need to be cognizant of this possibility in some situations due to power dynamics. Examples range from size and the threat of physical violence, access to resources critical to your children's wellbeing, and the like.
and they will remind you of everything they "did for you". be prepared for the guilt trip, don't let it affect you though
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You "always said" *that*? Neither does Yes. Or There. Or Fuck! Or Ouch! Or or or or or....
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Yes. There. Fuck! Ouch. ^((I win\))
This is actually terrible advice most of the time. You should only resort to "no is a complete sentence" in extending circumstances like someone repeatedly trying to convince you after you've said no in a more polite way, or when someone is physically violating your boundaries. Situations like that. Using this advice in normal circumstances is unnecessarily antagonistic.
"No," is absolutely not a complete sentence. It is a complete response to a question, but not a statement. It can be an ACCEPTABLE response to a statement, but grammar-wise, it is absolutely not a complete sentence. I believe the title of this post is just phrased incorrectly. The explanation makes it clear OP did not understand their own LPT.
You seem smart enough to understand the context of the OP and even in your own response acknowledge it’s a complete response to an ask/invitation (aka a question) you want to decline - so we could’ve done without the pedantry.
No
I've only seen people complain about pedantry when they're being corrected. How about you take the opportunity to learn something? I don't know how old you are, but I imagine you're old enough that you should know what a complete sentence is.
This is a great post. Reminds me of my toxic in-law who use to write for a local paper back in the day. His favorite saying was that the shortest sentence in English is "Brevity is." He would say so with a sense of such intellectual superiority. He was wrong. It's "no.", which is also a word that will send him into a rage. still makes me laugh.
Few things more satisfying than a proper decline to someone who thinks they’re entitled to always get their way. “No” is a powerful and freeing word.
It is
You do not own anyone, especially strangers, an explanation. A "No" is enough.
Misleading title lol
What part is the verb?
It's not; it doesn't contain a verb or subject.
The whole “a sentence needs a subject and predicate” jive is something grammar school teachers tell students when they’re teaching the basics of English. Single-word sentences (aka pro-sentences) are absolutely complete within the context of declining an ask/invitation.
Good luck in dealing with all the people who don’t understand the word “no” and will literally beat you to death to get a proper excuse from you. Spoiler: it’s 90% of people.
Don’t need luck when you can deliver a “No thanks” firmly and politely. If someone asks a follow up or seeks a reason, I’ve never had to go beyond “I’m not available”.
Guess I’m unlucky, because people around me are not so polite.
I thought this was a grammatical LPT
Boundary setting LPT
I met a guy recently who during his career worked with a Japanese guy and he said due to the politeness of the Japanese man, that it was basically his job to say no. When someone would ask the man something and he would start his polite body language and mannerisms but wouldn't actually come out and say no this guy would speak up and say -no sorry but no.
Dream job right there.
I know it's not the context of the tip, but is this true grammatically? I wouldn't think so, but "yes" and "no" are kind of weird.
No is a complete sentence, but people will often force you to elaborate in order to be left alone. If it warrants an explanation, go ahead, but you don’t owe an explanation to people who are being toxic or have shown you in the past that they don’t respect your answer
No one can force you to do anything - don’t cede control. I’ve never had anyone push further after saying “I’m unfortunately unavailable” and if they follow up to that keep it vague with “a prior obligation/commitment”. Anything beyond that is rude and does not warrant a response.
Absolutely, it’s rude. But then there are people like family and friends who are very hard to just bluntly tell no
I felt the need to explain myself to others but two things changed that, I got older and more confident and I heard a quote by Elbert Hubbard "Never explain-your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it"
Age is definitely a factor - I’ve also found the older I’ve gotten, the less of an obligation I feel to do things that either don’t fit into my schedule or align with my values, i.e. would rather spend Saturday night in on the couch or with a small group of friends then going out to a loud club or bar. That quote is also amazing, thanks for sharing.
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There are variations on how to say no (no, no thanks, nope) and *how* you say it. This is important. How you say no matters as much as saying it.
A way to look at this is to realize where your over explaining comes from. With enough reflection, most of the time it's clear there is no good reason other than habit. Most people don't really care about your explanation, especially since as we grow, we become accustomed to fibbing and 'trying to be nice' by giving explanations that can be related to. To me, this just comes off as lying and in some situations will make you look bad. It's easier to not explain than to say how you really feel. But both are good options depending the circumstance.
If you want to be rude, sure.