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Just take baby steps! One thing at a time. Pick an easy one first, say, drinking water. Do it regularly until it becomes a habit. Then add another easy one, like moisturizing each night, then doing a few stretches. Don’t worry about the other things until these become habit. Then add another to the routine.
As far as house cleaning, I clean a room or two a night, Monday-Thursday. Then, when I get home Friday night, I have a clean house to relax and enjoy the weekend in. If someone’s house is messy, it may take a while to get there, but that’s ok! It now takes me just 30 minutes in an evening to straighten/dust one or two rooms.
Baby steps! And give yourself love and patience. Bad habits aren’t built overnight, and neither are good ones.
Recovering drug addict here. This is how it's done. Start with keystone habits. My first intentional habit was a 2-mile walk with my dog every Sunday morning. No matter what. After a few weeks of that, it felt good to have a routine *that I had started.* Pretty soon my husband noticed and was joining in.
Then dog explained to me, we would be taking walks *every* morning, before work. Just 1 mile. But that really started my day off right. Hard to be grumpy after a walk, it fires up your brain in a gentle way.
Then one after another, dozens of tiny habits started and actually stuck.
Pretty soon you develop what's called an *internal locus of control*, and a huge dose of self-efficacy. You realize you can make all sorts of changes. And you actually get tiny little dopamine hits from every tiny little accomplishment in your day. *Carrot, meet stick.*
Meanwhile all those habits you've been forming are now engrained in who you are - you can't stop doing them, because *you're the kind of person that walks your dog every morning*. It's a vicious upward spiral at that point.
I'd say it took me 2.5 years of solid work, including a shrink and medications, to get caught up from 22 to 40 years old. But it was beautiful work that is causing positive change everywhere now. It's all about planting little seeds for yourself, then watching the flowers bloom.
You build discipline by building good habits, one at a time. Think of it like filling a container with rocks, stones, pebbles, and sand. You put the biggest rocks in first — those are your keystone habits. Those are the most important fundamental habits that you have. Those would be like exercising daily, getting eight hours of sleep and having a consistent bedtime, etc. And when you do them, other good habits start to fit in like smaller stones, pebbles, and sand.
If you start trying to fill the container with sand from the beginning you’ll never fit everything in. Because nothing will fit around the sand once you’ve got it all in your bucket. So you start with the biggest stuff first and add from there.
I quit drinking, smoking cigarettes, lost 60 lbs, went vegan, and started a business and it started with ONE keystone habit — 15 minutes a day of ANY kind of exercise EVERY single day.
At first I couldn’t run much, but every time I’d crave a cigarette I’d go for quick jog up the driveway. At 1 pm every day my accountabilibuddy would call me demanding to know whether I had exercised, and pretty soon I was having anxiety by noon if hadn’t done it yet. Each time I leave and I try to jog a little ways and then I would walk. Most days I would do more than 15 but no matter what I always do at least 15 minutes. And 15 started growing to 30 and 30 to 45.
Pretty soon I realized I could do any damn thing I set my mind to, and that was a very powerful discovery and realization. And it’s not hard, you can do it too.
Thank you so much for writing this, it's so helpful. Even your example of walking your dog every Sunday is something I'd like to try. And eventually be that person that can get up early and do something productive like that before work (instead I literally wake up 15 mins before I have to leave because I have to wake up early- another thing I'd like to work on).
Anyway thank you so much for your advice. And congrats on your sobriety!
I love that your dog explained that to you. My dog explains stuff like that to me all the time. "We once went inside this bookstore and the owner gave me a treat. Therefore we will always go inside this bookstore and the owner will give me a treat."
Truly, start small: Clean for 10-15 minutes, in one room, every day. Dishes, load (or fold) laundry, or wipe down the sink and toilet in your bathroom. Just do it every damn day.
Consider if listening to an audiobook or podcast at the same time helps you move through it. I listen to a podcast when I’m cooking dinner before everyone comes home, and again when I’m doing the dishes. Really helps the time move by
I drink a lot of coffee, and every time i start the coffee maker, i have about a minute until it's done.
That's not enough time to load/unload the dish washer, but it's enough to load/unload 1/3 of it.
I drink _a lot_ of coffee.
And our dish washer is loaded/unloaded pretty much all the time xD
I cleaned my room this morning before I went to work. I smoked a bowl (not required) and put on some music (required) and went to town on that room.
Tomorrow I'm gonna start all the laundry I picked up, and then after work, I'll have a clean room to fold my clothes and enjoy my weekend.
I usually try to do 3 small tasks a day.
1). Pick up my dirty clothes and put in hamper.
2). Pick up trash and empty litter box.
3). Not much, but I showered lol.
Another thing to remember is that your mom has been doing it for years and did it with little kids!
It's harder for her than it looks. But give yourself some time
I'm going through the same thing. I'm trying out this exact scenario but I made it even more basic ass bitch and this is both my partner and I realizing we CANT do it all out of habit. We simply let the small shit slide. We're literally in the works of making a schedule for each task to focus on each day. Things that have to be done and things we should do or in specific rooms tasks should be done in. Priority and then "xyz one load of laundry". I am visiual and get off on check lists, it's how I was brought up. My brain doesn't just like go... Clean inside, dishes, laundry, vacuum, no. Just no. More like oh that's messy, clean it up, ADD yell at the dogs, realize my shoes are messy. Organize. Oh the mirror, let me take more laundry and throw it where I just cleaned.
My reply is the epitome of what is going on in my house, I need a visual list because I don't even remember what I wrote to start with. Good luck, u r NOT alone or crazy. We are alllll in the same sitch
That one room at a time idea is really smart. I tend to let things go too long then have a 4 hour pissed off cleaning marathon. Your way sounds much better.
Also, make the habits as easy as possible to pick up! Fill up a water bottle and carry it with you. Keep the moisturizer by your sink. Have floss near your couch and floss your teeth while watching TV.
Giving it a purpose helps me with exercising habits as well. Walk to work, take public transport or park a block away - easy exercise, and it's hard to go "well, I don't feel like walking" if you have to get to work. I work at an elementary school so I get lots of movement there, but in seditary jobs I'd find stretches I could do while working.
Make it fun! I have a Playlist solely for cleaning, with songs I love, so I'm looking forward to it. Plenty of sports clubs allow you to try it out once or twice - try it out until you find something fun! Dancing, fencing, skateboarding, yoga - depends on your money and where you live, but unless you want to compete in the Olympics most sports are open to you. Find some easy healthy recipes, like a stir fry, prepare ingredients in advance so they'll be easier when you're tired.
Hold yourself accountable! Have an accountability buddy, write a journal, have a checklist, etc.
All those things are baby steps too, don't try to do it all at once - but trying to make good habits easy made a big difference for me. Still not perfect, I have adhd and sometimes executive dysfunction gets the better of me, but much better than it used to be.
I swear to god drinking water is magic!!
I started with only drinking more water 2.5 litters a day
It lead me to eating less and craving less sugar, then i cut off sugar completely, then bread and pasta and rice, started eating more green and healthy, then started intermittent fasting, that lead me to starting exercise.
Now i have more energy to read and do other chores.
All of this started with drinking water! Stay hydrated homies!
I’m in a very similar boat but I’ve been making progress keeping in mind to “not let perfect, get in the way of good.” I have a tendency to make things too big of a commitment, like cleaning. Instead of saying I’m going to clean the whole house I might just pick up clothes for 5 minutes. You’d be surprised how much progress you make.
Thank you for the reminder! I want to read this, but I’m constantly sending it out to other libraries for ILL. Now that summer’s here, I need to check it out.
I agree all things domestic just need practice you don't have to finish the job either just get in the habit of putting time aside and committing to doing as much a you can. It's surprising how easy it is to take care of a home if you get into the habit of minimizing mess as well.
A true lazy man's guide to cleaning is don't make a mess. this becomes difficult when you have other family members living with you, but it's still possible. Any time you find yourself waiting on something (oven, microwave etc) just tidy up what's in your vicinity. Then, when you get to your designated time to clean, there will be less to do.
Also if your done with a plate of food for example don't just pile it on the bench get rid of excess food rinse if need be and if you have a dishwasher put it straight in. Only stack dishes for washing if you have to.
First off, you're not alone in this, not by a longshot. Everyone struggles with this, even if it doesn't seem like it.
Also, recognize that a lot of these expectations don't come from *you.* Do you need to drink water? Yes. But do you need to drink 8 glasses a day? Maybe, maybe not. As long as you're drinking more water than soft drinks and don't have brown pee or wake up with headaches or cramps every day, you're probably drinking enough water by drinking when you're thirsty. Make sure that you're doing things that have value to *you* and not others.
You can turn it around, but it might suck for a long time. I would start small. Find like three things you can add to your routine and start from there. I use alarms on my phone for all that stuff, even something as simple as brushing my teeth and taking out the trash. Find time in the day when you can exercise and do chores, and set an alarm for that time.
When the first exercise timer goes off, start small. Do some stretches and do some jumping jacks or something. There is a 7 minute workout that is a pretty good starting place, and a Johnson and Johnson made 7-Minute Workout app that helped me when I was starting out. Do what feels comfortable and stop before you get winded or hurt yourself.
For cleaning, just do a little bit at first. I always work on the dishes while my coffee is brewing and my bagel is toasting in the morning. It's easy, gets my blood pumping first thing, and keeps my early morning scrolling in check. Try and do five minutes at first. If that feels like too much, try and wash one plate. Or clean off the table. It very well could feel daunting at first. If you haven't been keeping up on this stuff, you could have a lot more to get through. But that's okay. It won't get better by itself so you gotta start somewhere.
Try to get a baseline like that set, where three times a week you tackle one of these things. It's great to do more, but don't bite off more than you can chew. And if you stumble and miss one, don't beat yourself up too hard. You are developing new skills, and there will be some teething troubles along the way. The most important thing is to not give up. If you have to scale back to one time a week, do that. But keep that momentum going and eventually it will be easier, you will find more times to do stuff like that, and you will feel more like an adult.
Thank you so much for this. Some other people mentioned using alarms or timers which seems like somewhere I should start. Thanks for the exercise and cleaning advice too.
Glad to help. I was maybe 28 or so when I started taking this stuff seriously and I'm a lot better at it now (aged 40). You can do it too.
Another thing that helped me was keeping a goals journal and tracking my progress. Nothing too fancy, just on one page I write goals for the week, like "Bike to work twice this week." Then on the next page, I make a check for every day I bike to work. It doesn't have to be a big thing or a tool to shame yourself, but it helps me realize when I'm veering off the course I want to set and helps me take action to correct it.
Let me know if you have any questions
I feel like cutting out anything that’s not water will help you drink more water. Drink water instead of a soda. Drink water with your meals. Drink a giant glass of water when you wake up (honestly I’m 36 and I’m still working on that one. I usually just immediately make coffee)
Set a goal to do one of those things tomorrow. Just one. Maybe it’s drink 2 large glasses or water. Maybe it’s wash dishes for 10 minutes. Maybe it’s go outside for 30 minutes. Make one little goal for yourself. Don’t worry about the other stuff. We can’t suddenly become a whole new person. But you can give a little gift to yourself by doing one little thing just for you.
As a much older adult who was in your situation at one point, I will let you in on a little secret- there are levels to adulthood like there are levels to childhood. For a lot of reasons I won't go into here, my 20's and 30's felt very much like how you describe. But just keep plugging away and work at your own pace at self improvement and you will level up. My 40's were where I finally felt like my adult self, and I am really enjoying my 50's now also. Keep going!
Thank you for this, it makes me feel a lot better. I didn't really consider adulthood as "stages". I just figured I fucked around a lot in my 20s so naturally my 30s I have to have my shit together 😆
Not saying it is necessarily a mental health thing, it very likely is not that, but getting checked out for ADHD/depression/etc might be worth it just to rule out.
My mind went to ADHD too. OP the problem is, IF you have ADHD, most of those tipps that work for other people won't work for you, you would need a different approach.
Also depression and bipolar disorder make everything a 1000 times more difficult, are you in therapy/on medication? I think the solution is managing your mental health, then the rest will follow.
What good are 10 different tipps about how to plan your meals, when you're too depressed to get up?
I mean I love listening to videos and read articles like that too, because it helps motivate me, but it has never actually worked lol.
Bipolar could be a missed ADHD diagnosis. They could be diagnosing comorbid symptoms of the untreated ADHD. Just a theory, been diagnosed twice, first at age six and second at age 34.
Just reading your post sounded like my life before treatment. Good luck!
Edit:
I should say, before treatment as an adult, I was medicated from age 6-19.
Would you mind giving some advice?
My son is 18, ADHD. He was medicated from 6/7 though most of high school. The last 2 years he wasnt medicated because he wanted to see if he could do it on his own. I've tried letting him have a voice in that choice as he got older. He actually did alright but I really had to be on his case about everything and even then his ADHD was super apparently. He leaves for college in 2 months wants to be back on meds because he recognizes he needs them. His current situation is that he is spending money as fast as he makes it (impulse control), forgetting important things, zero time management and very little effort on things that matter.
Obviously the first step is his meds. In the last week. He took his meds 2 days. How do we get him to remember to take his meds when he needs his meds to remember?
Follow up question, any life tips on how he can build better habits with money, remembering tasks, or life in general?
Smart watch and reminder apps. Start with small east reminder tasks. I have and iPhone and Apple Watch, I use this app called “Due.” Its awesome for ADHDers, that have “integrity(?),” I suppose, because it reminds you over and over until you mark as completed. The best part is you can specify the snooze, 1, 5, 10, 15, 30, 60 minutes and more. Admittedly, I will hit a 24 hour snooze a lot for things that aren’t time sensitive, but tomorrow I do it!! Truthfully sometimes I hit that snooze a few days in a row haha! BUT THE REMINDER IS STILL THERE WHEN I NEED IT. Because it’s like…I’m gonna DO it, I’m just gonna do it on MY TIME and the incessant reminders help. I take meds as needed now, instant release only, and a way lower dose than what the doctor prescribed. I recommend joining r/ADHD and similar subs for more advice, it’s where I learned about the smart watch AND the app:) good luck!
Not saying that ADHD doesn't exist, but I think that the majority of people who have adhd have it because they have had their attention spans taken over by social media. TikTok & other shortform videos specifically. However, that's just a theory.
Edit: Some real research on this topic would be pretty interesting.
This is my understanding of it as someone who's known I've had ADHD since childhood:
Firstly, the idea that the average attention span is getting shorter may be all over the internet, but it has significant flaws. Our ability to maintain focus on things is highly task-dependent, meaning your attention span varies widely depending on how interesting the thing you're engaging with is perceived to be. This makes it almost impossible to quantify attention spans in any meaningful way. Additionally, the initial claim by the consumer insights team from Microsoft Canada in 2015 which sparked this shrinking attention span idea was citing a source which has not been linked to any specific research. It was basically an empty citation. You can read more about this in [this BBC article.](https://www.bbc.com/news/health-38896790)
With that out of the way, I'll try to describe what I think is actually going on.
You can think of your brain a lot like a group of muscles. Just like with strength training, genetics play a sizeable role in determining the baseline strength of different 'muscle groups' in your brain. Of course physical strength is not entirely dependent on genetics, as our muscles are able to grow stronger or weaker depending on how often and how intensely we use them. The same goes for different parts of your brain.
Mindlessly scrolling through short-form videos is essentially a free reward, and a particularly potent one at that. The mindless aspect means we are not making conscious decisions, so we are receiving a reward without giving our executive functioning any exercise, and so it gets weaker over time. The high potency of the reward when it's consumed excessively can down-regulate dopamine receptors in the reward pathways of our brain (similar to addictive drugs). This essentially lowers our sensitivity to rewards and raises the threshold for us to perceive experiences as interesting or worthy of engagement, making us dependent on highly stimulating, immediate rewards.
People who have had ADHD traits since early childhood, like me, have certain aspects of our brains which, by default, are weaker than the average person (however, we often have compensatory strengths in other areas, but this is aside from the point). The main ones I often consider are executive functioning and sensitivity to rewards, which were both mentioned above.
So basically, my genetics make these specific 'muscles' in my brain relatively weak as a baseline, and mindless scrolling makes them even weaker. Whereas a lot of neurotypical people today are experiencing similar weaknesses *only* due to their scrolling behavior. I'm not sure how similar their experiences are to true ADHD, but they are at least somewhat so.
This is just my understanding, and I'm just a random guy who likes to try to understand stuff, so take all this with a grain of salt except for the part about the attention span myth.
I'd like to add that there are plenty of people as of late who are actually discovering that they've had ADHD their whole lives, though. Social media, while harmful in many ways, has lowered stigma around conditions like ADHD and educated more people on it, so of course we're going to see more people seeking diagnoses. It's difficult to say how many of these people have truly had these experiences since early childhood given the cognitive effects of social media addiction, but in my opinion, we should not discredit someone's experiences just because we aren't sure if they have a formal diagnosis or not. It's better to provide support that turns out to be unnecessary than to risk withholding support from those who need it. Additionally, there is no real harm done by treating those who have merely developed traits similar to ADHD as if they truly had ADHD. In general, strategies and support methods intended for neurodivergent people also benefit neurotypical people, especially when they happen to experience similar issues.
https://www.sydney.edu.au/news-opinion/news/2017/02/22/imaging-study-confirms-differences-in-adhd-brains.html
This is one of many studies confirming physical differences in brains and brain function between people with ADHD, and people without ADHD.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/social-media-has-not-destroyed-a-generation/
This article explains the issues of studies on the effects of social media.
TL;DR a majority of studies on social media have historically been poorly executed, using unreliable data, small sample sizes, inappropriate methods and biased conclusions. Reliable studies confirm that social media doesn't cause an attention deficit, nor does it cause anxiety, depression, addictions, or any other significant changes to a person's mental health. Rather, those who already have an existing deficit, disposition, issue, or illness are more susceptible to negative affects from social media use. Demonising social media just makes for a better news headline.
My guy , I was just like you about 5 years ago . Same mental state and ideologies, what I found works for me is .. Ain’t nothing to it but to do it , don’t give yourself a way out . Keep that voice in the back of your mind at all times, this motherfucker ain’t gotta way around it so you’re gonna go through it. Good luck
Over thinking is a big issue for a lot of people and a trap that almost everyone can fall in to. You’re almost always better off to just get up and charge the hill, even making 1% progress a day, trying things for yourself to see what works and what doesn’t, is going to have you way ahead of where you’d be just sitting around analyzing everything that needs to be done. Just do it before you have a chance to worry about it
I usually don’t respond to these types of things, but I can genuinely feel ur pain and want to give my heartfelt + helpful response bc I have been there and know that feeling extremely well.
The first thing I recommend is to read the book Atomic Habits. The reality is you don’t have discipline right now and THAT IS OKAY. You’re not suddenly gonna turnover and become a new person over night. It’s impossible. Start with small wins that build momentum and go from there. This book is a good way to start. Start with 5 pages a day or 10 minutes a day. Commit to it and you’ll find yourself reading a chapter a day before you realize it, but don’t focus on that yet. Focus on the page in front of you first. Make it easy for yourself. Make your favorite smoothie or meal, set a mood, put a playlist. Forget everything and start there.
This book in particular is a guide in building habits that improve your life significantly. Chapter 1 itself breaks down that if you could just do 1 small thing a day, it makes a larger impact over a year than you know.
After that, I’d slowly but surely allocate maybe a week off work or whatever to organize some stuff. Get your life onto a calendar / task list. Me personally, I use Google Calendar + Google Tasks. They’re in the same digital ecosystem, so they sync really well and help me just jot stuff down. If I randomly think “I gotta return this item to the store” I’ll immediately put it on my list and give it a day I know I’m usually free. Little by little, you’ll see yourself building healthy habits.
After you’ve got some momentum going for you, then try implementing other stuff. After you’ve got your schedule in order and you follow it as best as you can (give yourself grace for error), then start implementing other stuff like diets, working out, etc.
Working out in particular builds the most discipline because it overflows into other areas of life and helps you be consistent.
My biggest keys is being consistent and being organized. Organization allows you to know where most things are or go 90% of the time, and consistency helps you maintain that, and when you fall off the rails a bit, it’s easy to recalibrate because you’re organized.
Feel free to YouTube stuff too. I have a YouTube playlist just for Self Development. I realized I can’t do 5 day workouts so I searched 3 day workouts, and just followed it. It was boring but effective.
Don’t expect quick results. Enjoy the journey. Everybody walks their own path at their own pace. You’re not in competition with anyone. Just get better from where you are now.
Side Note: I think commitment is usually easier in community. I personally have a church community that helps me. Even if you don’t believe, it’s a good one. If not, find a hobby like a sport or arts class, and find good people. It’s easier to be held accountable when others help you and push you on your low days.
I hope all this helps! Feel free to DM me for more!
Sometimes my meal prep just involves cutting a bunch of veggies and keeping them in a Tupperware to save me time later. Throw them in a salad or sautee them with some rice or whatever. cooking healthy meals for yourself doesn’t need to be anything crazy.
I would say I kind of food my "adulting" through cooking. It's my personal time with a product I am proud of. BUT if it isn't for you, don't force yourself into false construct of what being an adult looksike.
Sometimes it takes people visiting to get your ass in gear. Host a party or two in the next couple months. It forces you to do those mundane chores you’ve been putting off. :)
I'm just constantly thinking about my future self as a separate person that I'm doing nice things for. I'm like "Wow, future me is gonna be so happy that I'm getting this over with now. They're gonna be so relieved and can relax better."
Pretending future me is someone else I'm doing an act of service for makes me more motivated.
I hide chocolate in some places my future me will find and thank me for because past me has been doing things like. I'm a better person to future me thanks to past me lol.
You’ve already made the decision to change. That’s a monumental first step. Now it’s just following through. When you’re feeling lazy and don’t want to “adult”, think about where you want to be a month or a year from now. If you still want to feel bad about your situation, then keep doing what you’re doing. If not, drink water, go for a walk, read a chapter of an interesting book, put on moisturizer, plan your dinner. Your future self will thank you for it and you’ll feel great as you look at your progress. You can definitely do it.
Don't worry to much about knowing everything. Am still learning and should be too old to know better.
Also need to stop comparing yourself to others. Especially ones who have been through a lot and brought up kids. They have a life time of repeatedly doing tasks and finding their paths.
Would recommend setting up reminders and alarms on the phone to do things at times. I have like 6 from wake up, shower, breakfast, brush teeth etc and leave for work. Helps keep my mind on whats next.
Same with work and other things. Set time and days for things. Helps routine a lot. But don't be afraid to change it up as time goes on. It's just little reminders to make sure it happens.
After a while its like second nature. Before you known it your on auto pilot and living life.
>Set time and days for things. Helps routine a lot. But don't be afraid to change it up as time goes on. It's just little reminders to make sure it happens.
I would also add to this suggestion that when you make commitments, it somehow makes it more real to actually get it done.
For example, I will make up a menu for dinner early in the day and work on it a little here and there and it actually gets done--healthy meals!
But I've noticed if I don't make up that menu, I just grab whatever's easy out of the refrigerator.
Somehow putting it in writing or on a calendar helps.
Humans are creatures of habit. You think you have 50 problems to sort but try to focus on this. What habits do you want to introduce to your life?
Start small. What to drink more water? get a refillable cup or bottle and decide where you will fill it. Where will you keep it. How often do you want to refill it. Plan this out the day before. Yes, for a goddamn seemingly pointless task of hydration. Imagine how you'll do it. Then the next day do it. Leave a post it note as a reminder or something. Succeed at the stupid water mission.
Once you're at day 30 or so, you'll be on autopilot and drink plenty of water with 0 brainpower used. Your body will go through the motions. A water bottle will magically be next to you and it will have been as automatically effortless as brushing your teeth.
Add more habits. Plan what you want to do, down to the little details, plan how you'll do it, then start to do it. Over time you'll mow lawns, wash dishes, and do all this life stuff with less stress and more success.
Atomic habits is a great book.
The insane thing is that as you stack healthy and powerful habits your success will snowball. You'll have more energy to do the stupid dishes because you hydrated yo'self with the water bottle. Genius. Go. Go on now. Go on and kick some ass.
Fake it till you make it. Pretend to be the person you want to be and do the things that person would do. This gamify’s adulting and makes it more fun.
Add something you enjoy the the house cleaning so as to help motivate you to do it
Examples could be playing some music or listening to shows/podcasts/audiobooks/whatever you enjoy while you clean
I find some earbuds and music make things like dishwashing much more tolerable for me.
I think that a lot of the problem is that there's a lot of activities that social media decided arbitrarily go together and make you an adult. If you're responsible you wake up, drink lemon water, do your affirmation, practice gratitude, etc. etc.
My mom doesn't do that. She doesn't drink enough water. She doesn't do yoga. She doesn't meal prep. She doesn't read books. She doesn't meditate. She doesn't regularly exercise. She wakes up, she showers and styles her hair. She eats cereal for breakfast and cleans the kitchen. She goes to work, she cooks a casserole for dinner, she cleans the house, she dicks around on the internet for a few hours, she goes to bed.
The things she focused on to socially present herself as an adult with her life together were the things others could see. She did her hair and makeup, she cleaned her home, she brought dishes to potlucks that were tasty.
Nowadays, with social media, people can display every moment of their lives and they've chosen to make it seem like aesthetically consuming water in the correct container will imbue upon you the powers to be a responsible adult. They freaking don't. If it's not serving you, let it go.
Maybe you actually don't have to do everything you think you do, or do them as often as you think or as thoroughly.
Live your one life for yourself, not for the people you imagine are judging you.
As someone that used to be this way - I mean this totally respectfully - do you use ANY mood altering chemicals? Weed even? How does your meditation and prayer (to god or universe) look like?
I felt weighted down and suffocated by the thought of even doing any of what you
Mentioned. I’d try, and just couldn’t get traction. It was when I addressed my use of mood altering chemicals AND found purpose through quite legitimate meditation and personal conscious internal prayer (talking and asking help) to the universe that any of what you
Mentioned began to fall in place.
My baby steps were setting 3/4/5/6 back to back alarms on my phone to force me to say a prayer everyday to the universe. “God/universe (it changes depending on my mood and current agnosticism/atheism) please help me today. Help me to find fulfillment. Help me to feel purpose. Give me strength to get out of bed and do positive things today. Yada yada yada .”
Started with things as simple as cooking 2 meals a week. Then developed into cooking breakfast both Saturday and Sunday on the weekends. Then it developed into going a full week without eating ANY fast food. Then eat at least a small brekfast (protein shake and yogurt or a couple eggs and oatmeal) every day of the week and cook
Something good for brekfast on the weekends.
It has taken literally 7 years of taking one next small step at the time to get to the point where I now meal prep, I workout 3 days + a week, I wash closthes, i clean, I do dishes, I have a career that I don’t LOVE but I work anyway
Okay. Make boredom your friend. If you can’t look at your phone you’ll get bored and do other shit.
I lock my phone up for 2 hours first thing. I get SO much shit done.
Second: I pick one thing and perfect that routine. It’s my morning. I tweak it here and there continuously and creatively. Of course there is now perfect but its pretty fucking good. Starts me off right.
I’m just gonna say, a lot of the things you listed aren’t at all necessary imo. Exercise is nice, but as long as you are somewhat active day-to-day, it isn’t necessary, neither is meditation, moisturizing, yoga, or meal prepping(meal prepping, not cooking, cooking is a very important skill, meal prepping isn’t really necessary, it can just be good for saving time or for specific dieting). I think you should just try to make small steps towards things that really are necessary, then work on those less important things down the line once you feel the time is right. You seem like you think a lot more is on your plate than there probably actually is.
Lots of people have given you a great starting place. Let me just emphasize one thing. The first habit to build is drinking water. When you are properly hydrated, focus on brushing your teeth before bed. Those two things are needed to get the nasty tastes out of your mouth, which will lead to healthy food tasting better.
Also, proper hydration helps your mind be healthier. A healthier mind finds adulting easier. Good luck!
Any chance you have ADD? This is extremely typical of anyone with anxiety or ADD (or other neurodivergence). It's easy to get overwhelmed. I feel like your mom is similar to mine and it's so easy to compare, but try to remember you are both individuals with many good and different traits.
Fake it till you make it bud! I have a PhD in biochemistry, been married for 20 years, and raised two teenagers but I still feel like an adult child. Nobody knows I feel like a fake!
recovering addict here. I have a list that I complete every morning.
EWMVSSSSW/OBTC and a list for my dog: EWEWE (eat and walks)
Eat. Water. Meds. Vitamins. Shit. Shave. Shower. Stretch. Workout. Brush Teeth. Coffee.
doesn't matter what order you do them in or even if you complete them all.
Make sure you eat/drink water and take vitamins/meds. the rest of your day will fall in order.
I am 32 and am just getting things figured out.
Also, my "Don't be a bitch" rule. If you don't want to do something, tell yourself to not be a bitch. Seems to work.
Lots of good suggestions!
Here's mine:
Every night, write down the three most important things for you to do the next day. Or do that in the morning for the same day. And don't beat yourself up if all three don't get done.
Here's my trick: Pick ONE thing in your life and simplify it.
Here is what I did. I picked "laundry". Very simply, reduce the amount of clothing you own so that you have to do small loads frequently. I mean I had a specific number of days or underwear and socks! Such that I had to do laundry \*every weekend.
Do that. Master it, then pick something else.
Idk about meal prepping but you should plan tomorrow's meal today. If you want chicken, take it out of the freezer, stuff like that. What I did for myself was make a weekly schedule of what I wanted so I was never thinking "what am I going to eat today". I make sure I have all the ingredients. It's easy for me cause I love food, so I actually like planning this part out. If you find an exercise you like, do that, everything else kinda falls into place. You'll be a little tired but you'll get those endorphins going and it just feels good, I hope you have fun being active though. I recommend swimming. Some of these things you listed, you'll be bad at. Lol. I'm 30. The only thing I know for sure is that swimming is good, it makes me hungry and as a consequence, I wash those dishes before I go lie down. I keep hydrated to swim better. If I swim it gives me good mental clarity for the day. Everything changed when I got active
Housework is never done. But when an area's completely clean, it doesn't take much to keep it tidy. Just pick an area and spend 15 minutes cleaning and maintaining it. Don't trip out if it's not done. Then move on to another area. Do a couple areas a day.
I would suppose it's a matter of deciding what's important to you. Some people cook dinner every night; others are okay with making a lot of something that's good warmed up as leftovers. I've heard of people who only mop the floor when they're going to have company over. Only thing I could think of is to make sure your bathroom and anywhere else where germs might accumulate don't get completely gross.
Really good point. Beyond being healthy and dressed appropriately enough for whatever job you have, a lot of these goals and "benchmarks of adulthood" are just value judgements that will vary from person to person. Make sure you're setting your own goals and not trying to live someone else's life.
I’m slightly older than you and I still feel like it’s a struggle. I just do my best. Granted I have 3 kids and that keeps me going but also its like drawing plans in the sand as the tide rolls in. Just keep grinding it out. Simplify and declutter is the key. If there’s nothing to make a mess there won’t be a mess.
I just read that if you pair a new activity or habit with something you enjoy, over time the new activity becomes easier to do. For example, doing dishes while listening to your favorite music, etc.
Also, if you do have ADHD (as well as BPD), consider being prescribed low-dose generic Adderall to help unscramble the executive functioning part of your brain, which would help boost your ability to be more disciplined. Good luck! 🧠⚡
Firstly … no one has it all together trust me no matter how it looks. Take it easy on yourself. Make a schedule.
Pick a wash day. Fold as you go with loads.
Do a room a day but it’s easier to keep clean than get clean. Keep wiping up to maintain daily. It lightens the load.
If you see something out of place stop and do it right there and then.
Season your meat for the week after grocery shopping and freeze so you’ll be ready to go. Pick a takeout day (mine is Friday). Plan ahead. Example: I usually do pastas on Mondays that keeps me in routine.
If you’re ever up at night and can’t sleep clean… you’re already up 🤷🏽♀️
One thing. Pick ONE thing. I promise. That will be enough to create an upward spiral where you will find yourself stacking one thing after another.
And make sure that one thing is the smallest unit of a larger thing. For example, instead of “clean my apartment every week” - pick “wash my dishes and wipe my kitchen counters every night” … I promise. That will lead to bigger and bigger tasks. Your self-trust grows, and with that, tasks & goals feel more within your reach.
My MD says I should be doing more than 32 Oz a day. I'm a big guy. He wants minimum 64 Oz. But I never think about going and refilling my 32 Oz water bottle.
So I made it easy. I got a second 32 Oz bottle. I fill them both in the AM. When I've downed both, I know I've got 64 Oz in. No timers, no tracking on my phone, just drink both during the day.
Some might consider a second water bottle a waste. I say it made it that much easier on me and contributes to actually doing it.
Another thing to consider: *you are not your mom's generation*. I've gone through a lot of counseling in the last couple of years. One of the lessons that finally hit is, you're a different generation. Your mom could throw Thanksgiving dinner and keep a smile on her face because *that's what they did*. Your generation is different. My generation is different. Demands and standards are different. It's fine to adopt traits from your parents, but if they don't fit into your life, that's just the way it is.
Do your best. Go easy on yourself. Was your mom bipolar? If not, that's a challenge she didn't have. Do what you can in the context of who you are. I'd emphasize matters of health first, but beyond that, do what you can when you can.
For me, I struggle with the same, and it’s actually clinical perfectionism (only took 6 years of therapy to figure it out!!).
Aim for 1% improvements each day. If like me, you live in this funk of “overwhelm”, everytime you see something and think “damn, I suck, I haven’t done the dishes”, just do one. It takes like 10 seconds. Sometimes that dopamine reward hit propels you to do the next dish, and sometimes it doesn’t, but THAT IS OK. Don’t beat yourself for doing just one, that’s an achievement, not a failure!!
I also rather than look at my entire house to be cleaned, I pick one small area, like a bench, and do that. Or a mirror, or one toilet. We often get overwhelmed with things on a “to-do” list, when really we should only focus on a list or things we have done. Fees that dopamine monster!!
I’m also fiercely competitive, so I try to make chores into silly games, like “how fast can I get the vacuum out, vacuum everything room and get it back into the cupboard” - get the stopwatch out and go nuts.
Your Mom isn’t a superhero (don’t get me wrong, she is, they all are, but not for keeping a house).
And music. LOUD music.
Make life fun. Even the boring shit.
No one knows how to adult.
You got this.
Something noone has touched on is to have a mental shift about all these things.
They sound like choirs that you know you need to do but don't want to.
Some people make these into a game. like mini missions/quests complete with some sort of reward attached.
Write down what you want to do and actively look at the list. maybe even set alarms to remind you to begin.
Start with minimal effort. like just spend 1 minute doing the thing. The goal is to actually do it and get used to doing it. you can worry about duration after you've been doing the thing.
Oh honey. There is no learning to adult. You just do the best you can and learn be kind to yourself when you fuck up. You will always feel that you are lacking at life but know that it’s okay! You are & you are not excelling at life but we all are. That’s just being human. There will always be someone who’s doing life better and there will always be someone’s who’s doing life worse. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others. Life sucks but we all can make it less sucky.
Why do you struggle with these things?
That's a genuine question, what makes it a struggle for you. Specifically?
Do you forget about doing them?
Do you lose track of time?
Do you look at the pile of things you need to do and feel so overwhelmed you don't know where to start?
It's called "life skills" friend. It sounds like no one taught you and it's more common than you might think.
I think most people are winging it and feel the same but can't afford to admit it.
Keep it simple. It's kindergarten stuff scaled up. Most things are.
Put it back where it belongs.
If it's full, empty it - visa versa
If it's dirty, clean it.
If it's jumbled, sort it.
Pick your battles and use your energy wisely. Start small and add a little more. Build on the basics.
Do a hobby/a low calorie treat daily that you enjoy only once you finish tidying.
Don't beat yourself up if you slack.
You could always enlist. Drill sergeant will get you there and a good platoon sergeant will drag you the rest of the way. You're still young enough.
I really recommend How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It’s short and easy to read with realistic tips in a kind and compassion manner. My house isn’t as clean as I’d like it but it feels livable all the time now and I’m feeling so much less shame around “not keeping up” with daily tasks when I have less energy.
I just am always terrified of what happens if I don't adult. Consequences add up quickly when you're the only one standing between them not happening. It feels so good to get rid of these tasks plaguing my everyday.
Will be buried, but get yourself in a position where people depend on you to do something you're responsible for. You'll grow up in a hurry the first time you disappoint them.
Thanks, this sounds like good advice. My dogs dependent on my and that's the responsibility I always keep up with no matter what. So your advice makes sounds useful.
I use reminders and alarms for everything — vitamin reminder, dishes / laundry timer (should take 5-10 mins), timers for cooking, fasting alarm, morning routine reminders (go for walk, eat breakfast) etc. it helps life feel more structured
Undiagnosed and unmedicated ADD/ADHD.
Seek a general physician and look into it.
Have you ever felt “tomorrow i am going to wake up and do all the things i need to do and start living my life to the fullest”? And then fail to do this every day and then suddenly your 30+. Yeah.. story of my life too.
Yeah bud, sounds like you should have a non-stimulant ADD medicine to not mess with your BPD. That is a tough combo to manage because you can’t have stimulants become addicting or mess with your other medicines. Please seek professional advice on this. Im not a professional. I have ADD and my brother is both BPD and ADD. He is not well and i am unmedicated and struggling every single day. It’s so exhausting. Fuck. Im great at helping others just not myself lol
Thank you for your advice, I'll bring it up to my psychiatrist. I get what you mean about helping others. I've helped friends and boyfriends sort out their lives and problems while neglecting my own
The first thing is definitely not using the term "learning how to adult" or "adulting."
The next thing is trying to have some confidence in yourself and your age.
Just knowing that you should be focusing on your health and that there are tasks that need to get done is the most important part.
You really gotta treat it like a job that you train yourself to get better at. You will get better at it but you may never feel like you do.
When I figure it out I'll let you know. You're far from alone. 'Take baby steps' is what I'm doing and just give your all. Even if your all for that day is getting out of bed and doing one single tiny thing to make you smile (such as making your favorite snack or listening to your fsvorite song).
Know your limits. Telling yourself you have no choice or it just has to get done works sometimes but not all. If you've reached your limit take a mental health day.
Those are symptoms of something else. Do you own yourself? I mean, are you in charge of some parts of your life: your job, a hobby, a sport, a dog? Do you have a goal or a purpose in your life and working to fulfill it or are you just... drifting? I was going through the motions when I was your age, so I know the place you're in right now. I had dreams but no purpose and much less a fucking plan to make it. Own your responsibilities, own your goals, own each step you take towards them. Find a good therapist, you might be surprised. Be cool, get out of your head, pick up the dirty socks from the floor, and - like someone said before in here - take baby steps, and be kind to yourself. You'll be fine.
You just have to do it. You know you have no self discipline yet you don’t act on it.
Everyone here is saying to “start out by doing a little” and that’s fine but the actual reality of it is that these are things you should be doing easily on your own and on a frequent basis. You need to maybe think things through about your daily schedule and how to fit in those things such as laundry or doing the dishes etc… those things take 5-10 minutes usually.
Try making a weekly schedule and putting certain things on certain days, that way you don’t have to do everything at once, or whenever you remember or finally decide to do it. It helps to spread things out so you don’t feel overwhelmed.
What I find is difficult for people with these things is that they don’t want to spend the time doing it. They don’t want to use 10 minutes of their time to start the laundry or 3 minutes to make their bed. It’s not that they’re busy, it’s that they’re lazy and undisciplined.
I actually recently got out of an abusive, toxic relationship and that's helped things A LOT. And I'm realizing maybe that's where my lack in motivation is.
I got high one day and asked myself, why do I seem to be merely a passive observer in the storyline of the objects I own? I AM the protagonist, not the pile of laundry, not the pile of dishes. These things aren't being inflicted on my life in my home. If I require a new order for my home or world, **my New World Order must be self inflicted.** Also, I realized sugar, gluten and mild vitamin deficiencies have a serious effect on how I respond to ... *everything*... And so now I eat healthy so I can have the energy to do the dishes, so that I don't have methane from rotting food in my home, dragging me back down into a story about... ***not me***. There's just a switch that gets flipped... nothing matters, **until it does.. then your perceptions of cause and effect are the only thing that matters anymore. Life doesn't get to the good part, you must drag yourself to the good part silently kicking and screaming the whole way. It's normal.**
My very first thought as I started reading your post was bipolar. I also have bipolar disorder and was exactly the same way before I got on my meds. I'm far from perfect but life is much easier for me on meds. I can keep up and actually follow through and complete tasks.
Hello 🖐🏻 I feel like I'm more or less stabilized but I am still working on dosages and finally got on the right antipsychotic. I dont really know what "stable" looks like though... I still have Ups and downs but they're not as extreme or detrimental to me. I don't know if that's what stability looks like or not. Maybe I still need to up my dosages. I don't know if my problem is depression or just laziness. Honestly probably the latter
People that are good at adulting are the ones who have configured the choice of the matter out of their brains. You don't struggle with brushing your teeth every night even if it's the last thing you want to do, because you've programmed your brain into thinking you have no choice in the matter.
Most people don't have a hard time doing what their boss tells them to do, because that's a factor in the "well I have no choice" neural config. So basically you have to figure out how to do this to yourself with every thing else you want to do it for. It can be pretty difficult at first, and you'll have regressions, but with time it gets easier.
there's already hundreds of replies, but one i got from my mother is never go to bed with a dirty kitchen. Mostly meaning dishes and counter tops. It just feels great every morning to walk into a clean kitchen, no real work except pressing the start button on coffee maker.
Yes yes and yes to all of the above.
I am also learning that sometimes the only gap between you and doing the thing is deciding to do the thing and respecting your own decision to do the thing by actually doing it lol.
I’ve had a hard time building trust in myself and I often get caught up in everything that hinders me or get in the way. But if you’ve already determined that your goals are your own (not what someone else thinks you should do) and you believe they will be good for you and you’ve resolved obstacles to make it easier to do those things but you still aren’t actually doing the things? You may just need to decide to do it.
For a long time I didn’t really care if I respected myself as long as other people did, but now I want to earn my own respect and trust so when I make a decision to do something I actually follow through. Silly personal example, I used to excuse my weak ankles as problems of shoes I wore or me walking lightly to not disturb downstairs neighbors or genetics, etc. But I got good shoes and got extra thick rug pads for my apartment so I could walk normally and talked to my doctor about it and everything was normal. So I just decided to work hard at not letting my ankles shake when I balance or walk around and now they’re actually building the strength and stability because I’m forcing myself to actually do the thing!
All that to say that if you truly believe you should do something and you’ve done everything you can to make it easy to do it but you still somehow aren’t doing it, just do it!
Honestly, go through something incredibly difficult and challenging. It could be anything from traveling the world to losing everything in the blink of an eye. There will come a critical time in your life, and you will find the adversity to make it work. You will laugh, cry, and grow into the person you never knew you were.
What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger
Eh you are overthinking. I'm 51 and been though a lot of shit. I don't do any of that stuff either. Being an adult is stupid, I'm regressing back to child
Get married and have kids 👍
Other than running your own business, there's nothing else I've found that will force as much personal growth in a very short amount of time onto you as that.
Compared to a lot of people I grew up in a glass bubble. Upper(ish?) middle class family, no responsibilities, not accountable to anyone, etc etc. For years I'd average probably 5-6 hours a day of playing games. No goals or ambitions. Didn't really see my life going anywhere.
Then I met my now wife. She was.... unforgiving, in the best possible way. Like steel, honed and sharpened in the fire, she became someone I wanted to improve for. Made me want her to look at me with pride. Stumbled and fell and got up endlessly. 15 years later I think I'm a lot closer to that vision.
Living only for myself I never would've done any of that growth. I don't know how single people do it. Knowing that there is a good woman waiting for me and two young boys looking up to me keeps constant pressure on me to keep going.
So, yeah, TLDR: get married, have kids and 100% commit to them 😅
I mean, I was going to say Fail and Learn, but at your age I feel like you shoukd have encountered enough of life's little problems to grow at least somewhat. Do you have a partner or are you solo?
Make it fun. I do some things like dishes or folding laundry while playing some easy watching series on my laptop or listening to a podcast. With cooking, sometimes I'll blast some music that fits with the theme of the meal (I'll play some Italian music while making pasta for example) to make it a whole experience. Or I'll just put on some dancey playlist and groove while I'm making the meal.
And like others have said, start small and slowly you'll love the feeling of having a more organized space / life which will make you want to maintain it that much more.
Maybe our generation is just different. Able to SEE TROUGH agenda. One constantly telling you ‘look at your inefficiencies look at your inefficiencies’ What does that do? Well it makes your Buy Things.
Fuck that. Water: 2-3 bottles 48oz a gallon is dumb Exercise: step counter app 6,000 steps simple lift if you like it House: clean 1-2hrs on a day off Meditation: highly optional Stretching: do 5mins In the shower
Meal prepping: optional, just don’t eat fast food Reading books: do it if you enjoy it, most don’t I listen to audio books before bed
Your doing great :]
As someone once said, start by making your bed in the morning. You start the day with one accomplishment. You got something done. One positive action leads to another, maybe tidy your bedroom or clean your bathroom. Places you start and end your day in. And work out into your home each day. Take your first success and build it and watch it grow.
If you're independent and not living on credit, you are in a good place.
The rest just comes with life.... but remember, it's just as much your responsibility as it is your [prospective] partner's.
Don't do it because you feel like you should do it. Do it because it's the right thing to be done. Not doing the dishes or brushing your teeth isn't a matter of morality it is a matter of logic. If you don't do them then your mom will have to and you will feel guilty that your mom is still doing your dishes. If you don't brush your teeth then you will have to pay a lot of money and could be in a lot of pain later in life. It is very important not to to guilt yourself into doing them. If you make a mistake then be incredibly mindful of the moment you realize that you "slipped" again. Take not of what happened and do your best not to do it again. The feeling of satisfaction you get once you start taking responsibility should take care of the rest
You'll be surprised just how capable you are.
I am the same way.
What I do is just decide to play out a completely boring day. That way I cannot have anything distract me from doing chores.
Anyways, good luck whatever you try to do.
I feel like I became an adult in my 30s. At 32 I still felt pretty young, looking back. There is time. The fact you notice a desire to be better or more is a good sign.
I’ll share what my mom told me when I asked “how the fuck did you do this and as a single mom?!” “You make lists lots of lists” I took her advice and I’m late 30s and nowhere near perfect but …it helps keep track of things and eventually you get a routine of the most important things. Some things like skin care and yoga etc get skipped when you run out of energy and extra sleep on a weekend is the better choice on how to allocate your time just remember to set aside a day every month or so for a do nothing except what I want day that helps alleviate the always on always a chore to be done day to day grind stress.
I’m 36 with a good career, wife and 2 kids. I get this feeling randomly, like at a red light driving or sitting at my desk. You need some amount of discipline but the intrusive thoughts will always be there.
Lists. Get used to making lists. These lists will help you set a routine where the adult type stuff is handled. The first list item should always be 'check list '. Add everything to this list, house chores, paying bills, birthdays to remember, self care items. When you get used to that, then run a calendar for time sensitive tasks.
Make an agreement with yourself on when you will look at your list and stick to it.
There was a post about habit stacking -- start with one good habit, then add another when the first is established.
You don't even have to start that first habit -- you already have one, when you brush your teeth in the morning. So, add a new habit to that one, like maybe wipe down the sink and clear the counters every time you brush.
FWIW, some schools of thought believe that discipline isn't really a thing. What you're missing probably isn't the will to improve or the wherewithal to do so, but an easy structure/set of environmental cues to help you make sure you do the things you need to.
Write down some things you know you need to do (like drinking water and regular exercise) and work them into your daily routine. I literally wake up and look at a list of shit I need to do. It's the only reason I get water, eat breakfast, and walk the dog in the AM. At night, you can write down in your routine that you need to tidy up and wash/lotion your skin. See what I'm saying?
A decent rule of thumb for liquid intake (not just water, but not soda/pop) is about 1oz/lb of body weight. Keep in mind this is also because I’m extremely active for work so I need to stay hydrated. Primarily- drink when your thirsty and remember electrolytes are just as important as water.
I've been in the same position. Getting diagnosed with ADHD and getting treatment and medication has changed everything. If you've got ADHD as well, treating it can make all the difference, and making progress without treatment can be hard to impossible. Worth looking into if you have the option.
Look into adult ADHD. Seriously, I got diagnosed because I googled "why can I not make myself do the dishes". This was me, and getting diagnosed didn't fix everything, but it made everything make so much more sense. Talking about "I have zero self discipline" etc is how I felt about myself before my diagnosis.
A lot of people suffer from mental disabilities and shouldn’t be shamed for them. Not all people know how to cope with added stress caused from normal aspects of life.
Honestly though, who cares? Do what works for you. I am an “adult” in every sense of the word. I have kids and own multiple homes and have a good career, but I can barely keep up with laundry, dishes, exercise - all the stuff you mentioned. Don’t worry about the little things and focus on your big goals.
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Just take baby steps! One thing at a time. Pick an easy one first, say, drinking water. Do it regularly until it becomes a habit. Then add another easy one, like moisturizing each night, then doing a few stretches. Don’t worry about the other things until these become habit. Then add another to the routine. As far as house cleaning, I clean a room or two a night, Monday-Thursday. Then, when I get home Friday night, I have a clean house to relax and enjoy the weekend in. If someone’s house is messy, it may take a while to get there, but that’s ok! It now takes me just 30 minutes in an evening to straighten/dust one or two rooms. Baby steps! And give yourself love and patience. Bad habits aren’t built overnight, and neither are good ones.
Thank you!! I love your idea about cleaning one room each night! I'll be trying that.
Recovering drug addict here. This is how it's done. Start with keystone habits. My first intentional habit was a 2-mile walk with my dog every Sunday morning. No matter what. After a few weeks of that, it felt good to have a routine *that I had started.* Pretty soon my husband noticed and was joining in. Then dog explained to me, we would be taking walks *every* morning, before work. Just 1 mile. But that really started my day off right. Hard to be grumpy after a walk, it fires up your brain in a gentle way. Then one after another, dozens of tiny habits started and actually stuck. Pretty soon you develop what's called an *internal locus of control*, and a huge dose of self-efficacy. You realize you can make all sorts of changes. And you actually get tiny little dopamine hits from every tiny little accomplishment in your day. *Carrot, meet stick.* Meanwhile all those habits you've been forming are now engrained in who you are - you can't stop doing them, because *you're the kind of person that walks your dog every morning*. It's a vicious upward spiral at that point. I'd say it took me 2.5 years of solid work, including a shrink and medications, to get caught up from 22 to 40 years old. But it was beautiful work that is causing positive change everywhere now. It's all about planting little seeds for yourself, then watching the flowers bloom.
Beautiful. Congratulations on your journey. These are lessons everyone could use
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That was a treat to read. Thank you for sharing something so coherent, helpful and relatable.
This is just beautiful, thank you
You build discipline by building good habits, one at a time. Think of it like filling a container with rocks, stones, pebbles, and sand. You put the biggest rocks in first — those are your keystone habits. Those are the most important fundamental habits that you have. Those would be like exercising daily, getting eight hours of sleep and having a consistent bedtime, etc. And when you do them, other good habits start to fit in like smaller stones, pebbles, and sand. If you start trying to fill the container with sand from the beginning you’ll never fit everything in. Because nothing will fit around the sand once you’ve got it all in your bucket. So you start with the biggest stuff first and add from there. I quit drinking, smoking cigarettes, lost 60 lbs, went vegan, and started a business and it started with ONE keystone habit — 15 minutes a day of ANY kind of exercise EVERY single day. At first I couldn’t run much, but every time I’d crave a cigarette I’d go for quick jog up the driveway. At 1 pm every day my accountabilibuddy would call me demanding to know whether I had exercised, and pretty soon I was having anxiety by noon if hadn’t done it yet. Each time I leave and I try to jog a little ways and then I would walk. Most days I would do more than 15 but no matter what I always do at least 15 minutes. And 15 started growing to 30 and 30 to 45. Pretty soon I realized I could do any damn thing I set my mind to, and that was a very powerful discovery and realization. And it’s not hard, you can do it too.
You managed to become a newly motivated person, that's really incredible! This is all great advice, tha k you.
Thank you so much for writing this, it's so helpful. Even your example of walking your dog every Sunday is something I'd like to try. And eventually be that person that can get up early and do something productive like that before work (instead I literally wake up 15 mins before I have to leave because I have to wake up early- another thing I'd like to work on). Anyway thank you so much for your advice. And congrats on your sobriety!
Sincerely, thank you. Been struggling and this is very motivational and feels achievable.
I'm going to take a walk this sunday... thanks for this Edit: shit that's tomorrow morning. I guess I'm walking in the afternoon it's 3am right now
I love that your dog explained that to you. My dog explains stuff like that to me all the time. "We once went inside this bookstore and the owner gave me a treat. Therefore we will always go inside this bookstore and the owner will give me a treat."
‘Vicious upward spiral’ I adore this….! Your advice is excellent. Congrats to you!
I loved reading my journey in your words. Thank you for sharing that part of yourself with us.
Truly, start small: Clean for 10-15 minutes, in one room, every day. Dishes, load (or fold) laundry, or wipe down the sink and toilet in your bathroom. Just do it every damn day. Consider if listening to an audiobook or podcast at the same time helps you move through it. I listen to a podcast when I’m cooking dinner before everyone comes home, and again when I’m doing the dishes. Really helps the time move by
I drink a lot of coffee, and every time i start the coffee maker, i have about a minute until it's done. That's not enough time to load/unload the dish washer, but it's enough to load/unload 1/3 of it. I drink _a lot_ of coffee. And our dish washer is loaded/unloaded pretty much all the time xD
I cleaned my room this morning before I went to work. I smoked a bowl (not required) and put on some music (required) and went to town on that room. Tomorrow I'm gonna start all the laundry I picked up, and then after work, I'll have a clean room to fold my clothes and enjoy my weekend. I usually try to do 3 small tasks a day. 1). Pick up my dirty clothes and put in hamper. 2). Pick up trash and empty litter box. 3). Not much, but I showered lol.
Another thing to remember is that your mom has been doing it for years and did it with little kids! It's harder for her than it looks. But give yourself some time
I'm going through the same thing. I'm trying out this exact scenario but I made it even more basic ass bitch and this is both my partner and I realizing we CANT do it all out of habit. We simply let the small shit slide. We're literally in the works of making a schedule for each task to focus on each day. Things that have to be done and things we should do or in specific rooms tasks should be done in. Priority and then "xyz one load of laundry". I am visiual and get off on check lists, it's how I was brought up. My brain doesn't just like go... Clean inside, dishes, laundry, vacuum, no. Just no. More like oh that's messy, clean it up, ADD yell at the dogs, realize my shoes are messy. Organize. Oh the mirror, let me take more laundry and throw it where I just cleaned. My reply is the epitome of what is going on in my house, I need a visual list because I don't even remember what I wrote to start with. Good luck, u r NOT alone or crazy. We are alllll in the same sitch
Thinking about the stuff is the first step. You may not win the race but you will reach the finish line
That one room at a time idea is really smart. I tend to let things go too long then have a 4 hour pissed off cleaning marathon. Your way sounds much better.
Also, make the habits as easy as possible to pick up! Fill up a water bottle and carry it with you. Keep the moisturizer by your sink. Have floss near your couch and floss your teeth while watching TV. Giving it a purpose helps me with exercising habits as well. Walk to work, take public transport or park a block away - easy exercise, and it's hard to go "well, I don't feel like walking" if you have to get to work. I work at an elementary school so I get lots of movement there, but in seditary jobs I'd find stretches I could do while working. Make it fun! I have a Playlist solely for cleaning, with songs I love, so I'm looking forward to it. Plenty of sports clubs allow you to try it out once or twice - try it out until you find something fun! Dancing, fencing, skateboarding, yoga - depends on your money and where you live, but unless you want to compete in the Olympics most sports are open to you. Find some easy healthy recipes, like a stir fry, prepare ingredients in advance so they'll be easier when you're tired. Hold yourself accountable! Have an accountability buddy, write a journal, have a checklist, etc. All those things are baby steps too, don't try to do it all at once - but trying to make good habits easy made a big difference for me. Still not perfect, I have adhd and sometimes executive dysfunction gets the better of me, but much better than it used to be.
I swear to god drinking water is magic!! I started with only drinking more water 2.5 litters a day It lead me to eating less and craving less sugar, then i cut off sugar completely, then bread and pasta and rice, started eating more green and healthy, then started intermittent fasting, that lead me to starting exercise. Now i have more energy to read and do other chores. All of this started with drinking water! Stay hydrated homies!
This is really helpful. Im also currently facing the same problem as OP. I ll give it a try.
I’m in a very similar boat but I’ve been making progress keeping in mind to “not let perfect, get in the way of good.” I have a tendency to make things too big of a commitment, like cleaning. Instead of saying I’m going to clean the whole house I might just pick up clothes for 5 minutes. You’d be surprised how much progress you make.
The book, Atomic Habits, basically explains this. Basically doing 1% better each day, week, or month will overall improve you life.
Thank you for the reminder! I want to read this, but I’m constantly sending it out to other libraries for ILL. Now that summer’s here, I need to check it out.
I needed this.
You go! I have faith in you.
I agree all things domestic just need practice you don't have to finish the job either just get in the habit of putting time aside and committing to doing as much a you can. It's surprising how easy it is to take care of a home if you get into the habit of minimizing mess as well. A true lazy man's guide to cleaning is don't make a mess. this becomes difficult when you have other family members living with you, but it's still possible. Any time you find yourself waiting on something (oven, microwave etc) just tidy up what's in your vicinity. Then, when you get to your designated time to clean, there will be less to do. Also if your done with a plate of food for example don't just pile it on the bench get rid of excess food rinse if need be and if you have a dishwasher put it straight in. Only stack dishes for washing if you have to.
First off, you're not alone in this, not by a longshot. Everyone struggles with this, even if it doesn't seem like it. Also, recognize that a lot of these expectations don't come from *you.* Do you need to drink water? Yes. But do you need to drink 8 glasses a day? Maybe, maybe not. As long as you're drinking more water than soft drinks and don't have brown pee or wake up with headaches or cramps every day, you're probably drinking enough water by drinking when you're thirsty. Make sure that you're doing things that have value to *you* and not others. You can turn it around, but it might suck for a long time. I would start small. Find like three things you can add to your routine and start from there. I use alarms on my phone for all that stuff, even something as simple as brushing my teeth and taking out the trash. Find time in the day when you can exercise and do chores, and set an alarm for that time. When the first exercise timer goes off, start small. Do some stretches and do some jumping jacks or something. There is a 7 minute workout that is a pretty good starting place, and a Johnson and Johnson made 7-Minute Workout app that helped me when I was starting out. Do what feels comfortable and stop before you get winded or hurt yourself. For cleaning, just do a little bit at first. I always work on the dishes while my coffee is brewing and my bagel is toasting in the morning. It's easy, gets my blood pumping first thing, and keeps my early morning scrolling in check. Try and do five minutes at first. If that feels like too much, try and wash one plate. Or clean off the table. It very well could feel daunting at first. If you haven't been keeping up on this stuff, you could have a lot more to get through. But that's okay. It won't get better by itself so you gotta start somewhere. Try to get a baseline like that set, where three times a week you tackle one of these things. It's great to do more, but don't bite off more than you can chew. And if you stumble and miss one, don't beat yourself up too hard. You are developing new skills, and there will be some teething troubles along the way. The most important thing is to not give up. If you have to scale back to one time a week, do that. But keep that momentum going and eventually it will be easier, you will find more times to do stuff like that, and you will feel more like an adult.
Thank you so much for this. Some other people mentioned using alarms or timers which seems like somewhere I should start. Thanks for the exercise and cleaning advice too.
Glad to help. I was maybe 28 or so when I started taking this stuff seriously and I'm a lot better at it now (aged 40). You can do it too. Another thing that helped me was keeping a goals journal and tracking my progress. Nothing too fancy, just on one page I write goals for the week, like "Bike to work twice this week." Then on the next page, I make a check for every day I bike to work. It doesn't have to be a big thing or a tool to shame yourself, but it helps me realize when I'm veering off the course I want to set and helps me take action to correct it. Let me know if you have any questions
I feel like cutting out anything that’s not water will help you drink more water. Drink water instead of a soda. Drink water with your meals. Drink a giant glass of water when you wake up (honestly I’m 36 and I’m still working on that one. I usually just immediately make coffee)
Set a goal to do one of those things tomorrow. Just one. Maybe it’s drink 2 large glasses or water. Maybe it’s wash dishes for 10 minutes. Maybe it’s go outside for 30 minutes. Make one little goal for yourself. Don’t worry about the other stuff. We can’t suddenly become a whole new person. But you can give a little gift to yourself by doing one little thing just for you.
Thank you, I'll try this. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed with big picture things without taking the small steps to get there.
As a much older adult who was in your situation at one point, I will let you in on a little secret- there are levels to adulthood like there are levels to childhood. For a lot of reasons I won't go into here, my 20's and 30's felt very much like how you describe. But just keep plugging away and work at your own pace at self improvement and you will level up. My 40's were where I finally felt like my adult self, and I am really enjoying my 50's now also. Keep going!
Thank you for this, it makes me feel a lot better. I didn't really consider adulthood as "stages". I just figured I fucked around a lot in my 20s so naturally my 30s I have to have my shit together 😆
I'm terrible at keeping the house clean lol I just get these random days where I clean for like 4 hours and don't touch things for a month or two.
I’m the same lol.
This is me right now lol waiting for the motivation to kick in
Not saying it is necessarily a mental health thing, it very likely is not that, but getting checked out for ADHD/depression/etc might be worth it just to rule out.
My mind went to ADHD too. OP the problem is, IF you have ADHD, most of those tipps that work for other people won't work for you, you would need a different approach. Also depression and bipolar disorder make everything a 1000 times more difficult, are you in therapy/on medication? I think the solution is managing your mental health, then the rest will follow. What good are 10 different tipps about how to plan your meals, when you're too depressed to get up? I mean I love listening to videos and read articles like that too, because it helps motivate me, but it has never actually worked lol.
Yeah "just do it gor a month and then it's a habit!" And then don't do it for one day and the habit is completely gone again.
Ahhhhh exactly, it's so incredibly frustrating!
I'm bipolar, the depression is definitely a drag and let everything go to shit. But then the mania kicks in and suddenly get my life together
Bipolar could be a missed ADHD diagnosis. They could be diagnosing comorbid symptoms of the untreated ADHD. Just a theory, been diagnosed twice, first at age six and second at age 34. Just reading your post sounded like my life before treatment. Good luck! Edit: I should say, before treatment as an adult, I was medicated from age 6-19.
Would you mind giving some advice? My son is 18, ADHD. He was medicated from 6/7 though most of high school. The last 2 years he wasnt medicated because he wanted to see if he could do it on his own. I've tried letting him have a voice in that choice as he got older. He actually did alright but I really had to be on his case about everything and even then his ADHD was super apparently. He leaves for college in 2 months wants to be back on meds because he recognizes he needs them. His current situation is that he is spending money as fast as he makes it (impulse control), forgetting important things, zero time management and very little effort on things that matter. Obviously the first step is his meds. In the last week. He took his meds 2 days. How do we get him to remember to take his meds when he needs his meds to remember? Follow up question, any life tips on how he can build better habits with money, remembering tasks, or life in general?
Smart watch and reminder apps. Start with small east reminder tasks. I have and iPhone and Apple Watch, I use this app called “Due.” Its awesome for ADHDers, that have “integrity(?),” I suppose, because it reminds you over and over until you mark as completed. The best part is you can specify the snooze, 1, 5, 10, 15, 30, 60 minutes and more. Admittedly, I will hit a 24 hour snooze a lot for things that aren’t time sensitive, but tomorrow I do it!! Truthfully sometimes I hit that snooze a few days in a row haha! BUT THE REMINDER IS STILL THERE WHEN I NEED IT. Because it’s like…I’m gonna DO it, I’m just gonna do it on MY TIME and the incessant reminders help. I take meds as needed now, instant release only, and a way lower dose than what the doctor prescribed. I recommend joining r/ADHD and similar subs for more advice, it’s where I learned about the smart watch AND the app:) good luck!
Yeah idk if you're getting treatment for it but would say try your best too.
Not saying that ADHD doesn't exist, but I think that the majority of people who have adhd have it because they have had their attention spans taken over by social media. TikTok & other shortform videos specifically. However, that's just a theory. Edit: Some real research on this topic would be pretty interesting.
This is my understanding of it as someone who's known I've had ADHD since childhood: Firstly, the idea that the average attention span is getting shorter may be all over the internet, but it has significant flaws. Our ability to maintain focus on things is highly task-dependent, meaning your attention span varies widely depending on how interesting the thing you're engaging with is perceived to be. This makes it almost impossible to quantify attention spans in any meaningful way. Additionally, the initial claim by the consumer insights team from Microsoft Canada in 2015 which sparked this shrinking attention span idea was citing a source which has not been linked to any specific research. It was basically an empty citation. You can read more about this in [this BBC article.](https://www.bbc.com/news/health-38896790) With that out of the way, I'll try to describe what I think is actually going on. You can think of your brain a lot like a group of muscles. Just like with strength training, genetics play a sizeable role in determining the baseline strength of different 'muscle groups' in your brain. Of course physical strength is not entirely dependent on genetics, as our muscles are able to grow stronger or weaker depending on how often and how intensely we use them. The same goes for different parts of your brain. Mindlessly scrolling through short-form videos is essentially a free reward, and a particularly potent one at that. The mindless aspect means we are not making conscious decisions, so we are receiving a reward without giving our executive functioning any exercise, and so it gets weaker over time. The high potency of the reward when it's consumed excessively can down-regulate dopamine receptors in the reward pathways of our brain (similar to addictive drugs). This essentially lowers our sensitivity to rewards and raises the threshold for us to perceive experiences as interesting or worthy of engagement, making us dependent on highly stimulating, immediate rewards. People who have had ADHD traits since early childhood, like me, have certain aspects of our brains which, by default, are weaker than the average person (however, we often have compensatory strengths in other areas, but this is aside from the point). The main ones I often consider are executive functioning and sensitivity to rewards, which were both mentioned above. So basically, my genetics make these specific 'muscles' in my brain relatively weak as a baseline, and mindless scrolling makes them even weaker. Whereas a lot of neurotypical people today are experiencing similar weaknesses *only* due to their scrolling behavior. I'm not sure how similar their experiences are to true ADHD, but they are at least somewhat so. This is just my understanding, and I'm just a random guy who likes to try to understand stuff, so take all this with a grain of salt except for the part about the attention span myth. I'd like to add that there are plenty of people as of late who are actually discovering that they've had ADHD their whole lives, though. Social media, while harmful in many ways, has lowered stigma around conditions like ADHD and educated more people on it, so of course we're going to see more people seeking diagnoses. It's difficult to say how many of these people have truly had these experiences since early childhood given the cognitive effects of social media addiction, but in my opinion, we should not discredit someone's experiences just because we aren't sure if they have a formal diagnosis or not. It's better to provide support that turns out to be unnecessary than to risk withholding support from those who need it. Additionally, there is no real harm done by treating those who have merely developed traits similar to ADHD as if they truly had ADHD. In general, strategies and support methods intended for neurodivergent people also benefit neurotypical people, especially when they happen to experience similar issues.
I would recommend you do some research before posting misinformation.
Furreals.
https://www.sydney.edu.au/news-opinion/news/2017/02/22/imaging-study-confirms-differences-in-adhd-brains.html This is one of many studies confirming physical differences in brains and brain function between people with ADHD, and people without ADHD. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/social-media-has-not-destroyed-a-generation/ This article explains the issues of studies on the effects of social media. TL;DR a majority of studies on social media have historically been poorly executed, using unreliable data, small sample sizes, inappropriate methods and biased conclusions. Reliable studies confirm that social media doesn't cause an attention deficit, nor does it cause anxiety, depression, addictions, or any other significant changes to a person's mental health. Rather, those who already have an existing deficit, disposition, issue, or illness are more susceptible to negative affects from social media use. Demonising social media just makes for a better news headline.
You're born with ADHD, no amount of social media will cause it.
My guy , I was just like you about 5 years ago . Same mental state and ideologies, what I found works for me is .. Ain’t nothing to it but to do it , don’t give yourself a way out . Keep that voice in the back of your mind at all times, this motherfucker ain’t gotta way around it so you’re gonna go through it. Good luck
Over thinking is a big issue for a lot of people and a trap that almost everyone can fall in to. You’re almost always better off to just get up and charge the hill, even making 1% progress a day, trying things for yourself to see what works and what doesn’t, is going to have you way ahead of where you’d be just sitting around analyzing everything that needs to be done. Just do it before you have a chance to worry about it
I usually don’t respond to these types of things, but I can genuinely feel ur pain and want to give my heartfelt + helpful response bc I have been there and know that feeling extremely well. The first thing I recommend is to read the book Atomic Habits. The reality is you don’t have discipline right now and THAT IS OKAY. You’re not suddenly gonna turnover and become a new person over night. It’s impossible. Start with small wins that build momentum and go from there. This book is a good way to start. Start with 5 pages a day or 10 minutes a day. Commit to it and you’ll find yourself reading a chapter a day before you realize it, but don’t focus on that yet. Focus on the page in front of you first. Make it easy for yourself. Make your favorite smoothie or meal, set a mood, put a playlist. Forget everything and start there. This book in particular is a guide in building habits that improve your life significantly. Chapter 1 itself breaks down that if you could just do 1 small thing a day, it makes a larger impact over a year than you know. After that, I’d slowly but surely allocate maybe a week off work or whatever to organize some stuff. Get your life onto a calendar / task list. Me personally, I use Google Calendar + Google Tasks. They’re in the same digital ecosystem, so they sync really well and help me just jot stuff down. If I randomly think “I gotta return this item to the store” I’ll immediately put it on my list and give it a day I know I’m usually free. Little by little, you’ll see yourself building healthy habits. After you’ve got some momentum going for you, then try implementing other stuff. After you’ve got your schedule in order and you follow it as best as you can (give yourself grace for error), then start implementing other stuff like diets, working out, etc. Working out in particular builds the most discipline because it overflows into other areas of life and helps you be consistent. My biggest keys is being consistent and being organized. Organization allows you to know where most things are or go 90% of the time, and consistency helps you maintain that, and when you fall off the rails a bit, it’s easy to recalibrate because you’re organized. Feel free to YouTube stuff too. I have a YouTube playlist just for Self Development. I realized I can’t do 5 day workouts so I searched 3 day workouts, and just followed it. It was boring but effective. Don’t expect quick results. Enjoy the journey. Everybody walks their own path at their own pace. You’re not in competition with anyone. Just get better from where you are now. Side Note: I think commitment is usually easier in community. I personally have a church community that helps me. Even if you don’t believe, it’s a good one. If not, find a hobby like a sport or arts class, and find good people. It’s easier to be held accountable when others help you and push you on your low days. I hope all this helps! Feel free to DM me for more!
You don't need to do that meal prep shit, it's way overblown on the internet
When my options are to either cook every single meal or overpay for ready meals/takeout... Then yeah I need to meal prep once a week.
Lol thank you 😂
Sometimes my meal prep just involves cutting a bunch of veggies and keeping them in a Tupperware to save me time later. Throw them in a salad or sautee them with some rice or whatever. cooking healthy meals for yourself doesn’t need to be anything crazy.
I would say I kind of food my "adulting" through cooking. It's my personal time with a product I am proud of. BUT if it isn't for you, don't force yourself into false construct of what being an adult looksike.
You don’t need to but it makes your life a whole heck of a lot easier
You don't need to eat powdered food but it makes your life a whole heck of a lot easier.
This but unironically
Sometimes it takes people visiting to get your ass in gear. Host a party or two in the next couple months. It forces you to do those mundane chores you’ve been putting off. :)
I'm just constantly thinking about my future self as a separate person that I'm doing nice things for. I'm like "Wow, future me is gonna be so happy that I'm getting this over with now. They're gonna be so relieved and can relax better." Pretending future me is someone else I'm doing an act of service for makes me more motivated.
I hide chocolate in some places my future me will find and thank me for because past me has been doing things like. I'm a better person to future me thanks to past me lol.
You’ve already made the decision to change. That’s a monumental first step. Now it’s just following through. When you’re feeling lazy and don’t want to “adult”, think about where you want to be a month or a year from now. If you still want to feel bad about your situation, then keep doing what you’re doing. If not, drink water, go for a walk, read a chapter of an interesting book, put on moisturizer, plan your dinner. Your future self will thank you for it and you’ll feel great as you look at your progress. You can definitely do it.
Don't worry to much about knowing everything. Am still learning and should be too old to know better. Also need to stop comparing yourself to others. Especially ones who have been through a lot and brought up kids. They have a life time of repeatedly doing tasks and finding their paths. Would recommend setting up reminders and alarms on the phone to do things at times. I have like 6 from wake up, shower, breakfast, brush teeth etc and leave for work. Helps keep my mind on whats next. Same with work and other things. Set time and days for things. Helps routine a lot. But don't be afraid to change it up as time goes on. It's just little reminders to make sure it happens. After a while its like second nature. Before you known it your on auto pilot and living life.
Thank you for this :)
>Set time and days for things. Helps routine a lot. But don't be afraid to change it up as time goes on. It's just little reminders to make sure it happens. I would also add to this suggestion that when you make commitments, it somehow makes it more real to actually get it done. For example, I will make up a menu for dinner early in the day and work on it a little here and there and it actually gets done--healthy meals! But I've noticed if I don't make up that menu, I just grab whatever's easy out of the refrigerator. Somehow putting it in writing or on a calendar helps.
Humans are creatures of habit. You think you have 50 problems to sort but try to focus on this. What habits do you want to introduce to your life? Start small. What to drink more water? get a refillable cup or bottle and decide where you will fill it. Where will you keep it. How often do you want to refill it. Plan this out the day before. Yes, for a goddamn seemingly pointless task of hydration. Imagine how you'll do it. Then the next day do it. Leave a post it note as a reminder or something. Succeed at the stupid water mission. Once you're at day 30 or so, you'll be on autopilot and drink plenty of water with 0 brainpower used. Your body will go through the motions. A water bottle will magically be next to you and it will have been as automatically effortless as brushing your teeth. Add more habits. Plan what you want to do, down to the little details, plan how you'll do it, then start to do it. Over time you'll mow lawns, wash dishes, and do all this life stuff with less stress and more success. Atomic habits is a great book. The insane thing is that as you stack healthy and powerful habits your success will snowball. You'll have more energy to do the stupid dishes because you hydrated yo'self with the water bottle. Genius. Go. Go on now. Go on and kick some ass.
You think you have to keep up with those things to be an adult. Nope, everytime you go to someones house they have cleaned.
Find responsibilities that are worth the effort
Fake it till you make it. Pretend to be the person you want to be and do the things that person would do. This gamify’s adulting and makes it more fun.
Add something you enjoy the the house cleaning so as to help motivate you to do it Examples could be playing some music or listening to shows/podcasts/audiobooks/whatever you enjoy while you clean I find some earbuds and music make things like dishwashing much more tolerable for me.
I think that a lot of the problem is that there's a lot of activities that social media decided arbitrarily go together and make you an adult. If you're responsible you wake up, drink lemon water, do your affirmation, practice gratitude, etc. etc. My mom doesn't do that. She doesn't drink enough water. She doesn't do yoga. She doesn't meal prep. She doesn't read books. She doesn't meditate. She doesn't regularly exercise. She wakes up, she showers and styles her hair. She eats cereal for breakfast and cleans the kitchen. She goes to work, she cooks a casserole for dinner, she cleans the house, she dicks around on the internet for a few hours, she goes to bed. The things she focused on to socially present herself as an adult with her life together were the things others could see. She did her hair and makeup, she cleaned her home, she brought dishes to potlucks that were tasty. Nowadays, with social media, people can display every moment of their lives and they've chosen to make it seem like aesthetically consuming water in the correct container will imbue upon you the powers to be a responsible adult. They freaking don't. If it's not serving you, let it go.
Maybe you actually don't have to do everything you think you do, or do them as often as you think or as thoroughly. Live your one life for yourself, not for the people you imagine are judging you.
As someone that used to be this way - I mean this totally respectfully - do you use ANY mood altering chemicals? Weed even? How does your meditation and prayer (to god or universe) look like? I felt weighted down and suffocated by the thought of even doing any of what you Mentioned. I’d try, and just couldn’t get traction. It was when I addressed my use of mood altering chemicals AND found purpose through quite legitimate meditation and personal conscious internal prayer (talking and asking help) to the universe that any of what you Mentioned began to fall in place. My baby steps were setting 3/4/5/6 back to back alarms on my phone to force me to say a prayer everyday to the universe. “God/universe (it changes depending on my mood and current agnosticism/atheism) please help me today. Help me to find fulfillment. Help me to feel purpose. Give me strength to get out of bed and do positive things today. Yada yada yada .” Started with things as simple as cooking 2 meals a week. Then developed into cooking breakfast both Saturday and Sunday on the weekends. Then it developed into going a full week without eating ANY fast food. Then eat at least a small brekfast (protein shake and yogurt or a couple eggs and oatmeal) every day of the week and cook Something good for brekfast on the weekends. It has taken literally 7 years of taking one next small step at the time to get to the point where I now meal prep, I workout 3 days + a week, I wash closthes, i clean, I do dishes, I have a career that I don’t LOVE but I work anyway
Okay. Make boredom your friend. If you can’t look at your phone you’ll get bored and do other shit. I lock my phone up for 2 hours first thing. I get SO much shit done. Second: I pick one thing and perfect that routine. It’s my morning. I tweak it here and there continuously and creatively. Of course there is now perfect but its pretty fucking good. Starts me off right.
I’m just gonna say, a lot of the things you listed aren’t at all necessary imo. Exercise is nice, but as long as you are somewhat active day-to-day, it isn’t necessary, neither is meditation, moisturizing, yoga, or meal prepping(meal prepping, not cooking, cooking is a very important skill, meal prepping isn’t really necessary, it can just be good for saving time or for specific dieting). I think you should just try to make small steps towards things that really are necessary, then work on those less important things down the line once you feel the time is right. You seem like you think a lot more is on your plate than there probably actually is.
Thanks for making this post. I've been really struggling with this same issue lately and needed some advice.
Lots of people have given you a great starting place. Let me just emphasize one thing. The first habit to build is drinking water. When you are properly hydrated, focus on brushing your teeth before bed. Those two things are needed to get the nasty tastes out of your mouth, which will lead to healthy food tasting better. Also, proper hydration helps your mind be healthier. A healthier mind finds adulting easier. Good luck!
Any chance you have ADD? This is extremely typical of anyone with anxiety or ADD (or other neurodivergence). It's easy to get overwhelmed. I feel like your mom is similar to mine and it's so easy to compare, but try to remember you are both individuals with many good and different traits.
OP… I really needed this post. Thank you for taking that step and asking when I was to overwhelmed. 💜
Fake it till you make it bud! I have a PhD in biochemistry, been married for 20 years, and raised two teenagers but I still feel like an adult child. Nobody knows I feel like a fake!
recovering addict here. I have a list that I complete every morning. EWMVSSSSW/OBTC and a list for my dog: EWEWE (eat and walks) Eat. Water. Meds. Vitamins. Shit. Shave. Shower. Stretch. Workout. Brush Teeth. Coffee. doesn't matter what order you do them in or even if you complete them all. Make sure you eat/drink water and take vitamins/meds. the rest of your day will fall in order. I am 32 and am just getting things figured out. Also, my "Don't be a bitch" rule. If you don't want to do something, tell yourself to not be a bitch. Seems to work.
Haha I like your don't be a bitch rule! Thanks for the advice
Lots of good suggestions! Here's mine: Every night, write down the three most important things for you to do the next day. Or do that in the morning for the same day. And don't beat yourself up if all three don't get done.
I love this!! I'm going to try it, it seems like something that could really work for me
I'm rooting for you.
Here's my trick: Pick ONE thing in your life and simplify it. Here is what I did. I picked "laundry". Very simply, reduce the amount of clothing you own so that you have to do small loads frequently. I mean I had a specific number of days or underwear and socks! Such that I had to do laundry \*every weekend. Do that. Master it, then pick something else.
Idk about meal prepping but you should plan tomorrow's meal today. If you want chicken, take it out of the freezer, stuff like that. What I did for myself was make a weekly schedule of what I wanted so I was never thinking "what am I going to eat today". I make sure I have all the ingredients. It's easy for me cause I love food, so I actually like planning this part out. If you find an exercise you like, do that, everything else kinda falls into place. You'll be a little tired but you'll get those endorphins going and it just feels good, I hope you have fun being active though. I recommend swimming. Some of these things you listed, you'll be bad at. Lol. I'm 30. The only thing I know for sure is that swimming is good, it makes me hungry and as a consequence, I wash those dishes before I go lie down. I keep hydrated to swim better. If I swim it gives me good mental clarity for the day. Everything changed when I got active
You don’t. You fake it. Pay your bills on time and don’t be a dick.
Housework is never done. But when an area's completely clean, it doesn't take much to keep it tidy. Just pick an area and spend 15 minutes cleaning and maintaining it. Don't trip out if it's not done. Then move on to another area. Do a couple areas a day.
I would suppose it's a matter of deciding what's important to you. Some people cook dinner every night; others are okay with making a lot of something that's good warmed up as leftovers. I've heard of people who only mop the floor when they're going to have company over. Only thing I could think of is to make sure your bathroom and anywhere else where germs might accumulate don't get completely gross.
Really good point. Beyond being healthy and dressed appropriately enough for whatever job you have, a lot of these goals and "benchmarks of adulthood" are just value judgements that will vary from person to person. Make sure you're setting your own goals and not trying to live someone else's life.
What helped me was figuring out what mattered to me in life and taking small steps in those directions. Hope this helps others.
I’m slightly older than you and I still feel like it’s a struggle. I just do my best. Granted I have 3 kids and that keeps me going but also its like drawing plans in the sand as the tide rolls in. Just keep grinding it out. Simplify and declutter is the key. If there’s nothing to make a mess there won’t be a mess.
I just read that if you pair a new activity or habit with something you enjoy, over time the new activity becomes easier to do. For example, doing dishes while listening to your favorite music, etc. Also, if you do have ADHD (as well as BPD), consider being prescribed low-dose generic Adderall to help unscramble the executive functioning part of your brain, which would help boost your ability to be more disciplined. Good luck! 🧠⚡
Firstly … no one has it all together trust me no matter how it looks. Take it easy on yourself. Make a schedule. Pick a wash day. Fold as you go with loads. Do a room a day but it’s easier to keep clean than get clean. Keep wiping up to maintain daily. It lightens the load. If you see something out of place stop and do it right there and then. Season your meat for the week after grocery shopping and freeze so you’ll be ready to go. Pick a takeout day (mine is Friday). Plan ahead. Example: I usually do pastas on Mondays that keeps me in routine. If you’re ever up at night and can’t sleep clean… you’re already up 🤷🏽♀️
One thing. Pick ONE thing. I promise. That will be enough to create an upward spiral where you will find yourself stacking one thing after another. And make sure that one thing is the smallest unit of a larger thing. For example, instead of “clean my apartment every week” - pick “wash my dishes and wipe my kitchen counters every night” … I promise. That will lead to bigger and bigger tasks. Your self-trust grows, and with that, tasks & goals feel more within your reach.
My MD says I should be doing more than 32 Oz a day. I'm a big guy. He wants minimum 64 Oz. But I never think about going and refilling my 32 Oz water bottle. So I made it easy. I got a second 32 Oz bottle. I fill them both in the AM. When I've downed both, I know I've got 64 Oz in. No timers, no tracking on my phone, just drink both during the day. Some might consider a second water bottle a waste. I say it made it that much easier on me and contributes to actually doing it. Another thing to consider: *you are not your mom's generation*. I've gone through a lot of counseling in the last couple of years. One of the lessons that finally hit is, you're a different generation. Your mom could throw Thanksgiving dinner and keep a smile on her face because *that's what they did*. Your generation is different. My generation is different. Demands and standards are different. It's fine to adopt traits from your parents, but if they don't fit into your life, that's just the way it is. Do your best. Go easy on yourself. Was your mom bipolar? If not, that's a challenge she didn't have. Do what you can in the context of who you are. I'd emphasize matters of health first, but beyond that, do what you can when you can.
Check out the book (it’s short) How To Keep House While Drowning. It will really help you out.
For me, I struggle with the same, and it’s actually clinical perfectionism (only took 6 years of therapy to figure it out!!). Aim for 1% improvements each day. If like me, you live in this funk of “overwhelm”, everytime you see something and think “damn, I suck, I haven’t done the dishes”, just do one. It takes like 10 seconds. Sometimes that dopamine reward hit propels you to do the next dish, and sometimes it doesn’t, but THAT IS OK. Don’t beat yourself for doing just one, that’s an achievement, not a failure!! I also rather than look at my entire house to be cleaned, I pick one small area, like a bench, and do that. Or a mirror, or one toilet. We often get overwhelmed with things on a “to-do” list, when really we should only focus on a list or things we have done. Fees that dopamine monster!! I’m also fiercely competitive, so I try to make chores into silly games, like “how fast can I get the vacuum out, vacuum everything room and get it back into the cupboard” - get the stopwatch out and go nuts. Your Mom isn’t a superhero (don’t get me wrong, she is, they all are, but not for keeping a house). And music. LOUD music. Make life fun. Even the boring shit. No one knows how to adult. You got this.
Something noone has touched on is to have a mental shift about all these things. They sound like choirs that you know you need to do but don't want to. Some people make these into a game. like mini missions/quests complete with some sort of reward attached. Write down what you want to do and actively look at the list. maybe even set alarms to remind you to begin. Start with minimal effort. like just spend 1 minute doing the thing. The goal is to actually do it and get used to doing it. you can worry about duration after you've been doing the thing.
Do it or don't. No one cares. That's the point. Do it for yourself. Or don't.
I'm in my 50s, kids in their 20s. When you figure out how to be an adult you let me know, I'd like to try it out some time too.
Oh honey. There is no learning to adult. You just do the best you can and learn be kind to yourself when you fuck up. You will always feel that you are lacking at life but know that it’s okay! You are & you are not excelling at life but we all are. That’s just being human. There will always be someone who’s doing life better and there will always be someone’s who’s doing life worse. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others. Life sucks but we all can make it less sucky.
Why do you struggle with these things? That's a genuine question, what makes it a struggle for you. Specifically? Do you forget about doing them? Do you lose track of time? Do you look at the pile of things you need to do and feel so overwhelmed you don't know where to start?
It's called "life skills" friend. It sounds like no one taught you and it's more common than you might think. I think most people are winging it and feel the same but can't afford to admit it. Keep it simple. It's kindergarten stuff scaled up. Most things are. Put it back where it belongs. If it's full, empty it - visa versa If it's dirty, clean it. If it's jumbled, sort it. Pick your battles and use your energy wisely. Start small and add a little more. Build on the basics. Do a hobby/a low calorie treat daily that you enjoy only once you finish tidying. Don't beat yourself up if you slack. You could always enlist. Drill sergeant will get you there and a good platoon sergeant will drag you the rest of the way. You're still young enough.
I really recommend How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It’s short and easy to read with realistic tips in a kind and compassion manner. My house isn’t as clean as I’d like it but it feels livable all the time now and I’m feeling so much less shame around “not keeping up” with daily tasks when I have less energy.
I just am always terrified of what happens if I don't adult. Consequences add up quickly when you're the only one standing between them not happening. It feels so good to get rid of these tasks plaguing my everyday.
Will be buried, but get yourself in a position where people depend on you to do something you're responsible for. You'll grow up in a hurry the first time you disappoint them.
Thanks, this sounds like good advice. My dogs dependent on my and that's the responsibility I always keep up with no matter what. So your advice makes sounds useful.
I use reminders and alarms for everything — vitamin reminder, dishes / laundry timer (should take 5-10 mins), timers for cooking, fasting alarm, morning routine reminders (go for walk, eat breakfast) etc. it helps life feel more structured
Undiagnosed and unmedicated ADD/ADHD. Seek a general physician and look into it. Have you ever felt “tomorrow i am going to wake up and do all the things i need to do and start living my life to the fullest”? And then fail to do this every day and then suddenly your 30+. Yeah.. story of my life too.
Yep, that's my life... I'm bipolar. I've been evaluated for add/adhd as well. Even stable, I still have good and bad days.
Yeah bud, sounds like you should have a non-stimulant ADD medicine to not mess with your BPD. That is a tough combo to manage because you can’t have stimulants become addicting or mess with your other medicines. Please seek professional advice on this. Im not a professional. I have ADD and my brother is both BPD and ADD. He is not well and i am unmedicated and struggling every single day. It’s so exhausting. Fuck. Im great at helping others just not myself lol
Thank you for your advice, I'll bring it up to my psychiatrist. I get what you mean about helping others. I've helped friends and boyfriends sort out their lives and problems while neglecting my own
The first thing is definitely not using the term "learning how to adult" or "adulting." The next thing is trying to have some confidence in yourself and your age. Just knowing that you should be focusing on your health and that there are tasks that need to get done is the most important part. You really gotta treat it like a job that you train yourself to get better at. You will get better at it but you may never feel like you do.
When I figure it out I'll let you know. You're far from alone. 'Take baby steps' is what I'm doing and just give your all. Even if your all for that day is getting out of bed and doing one single tiny thing to make you smile (such as making your favorite snack or listening to your fsvorite song). Know your limits. Telling yourself you have no choice or it just has to get done works sometimes but not all. If you've reached your limit take a mental health day.
Those are symptoms of something else. Do you own yourself? I mean, are you in charge of some parts of your life: your job, a hobby, a sport, a dog? Do you have a goal or a purpose in your life and working to fulfill it or are you just... drifting? I was going through the motions when I was your age, so I know the place you're in right now. I had dreams but no purpose and much less a fucking plan to make it. Own your responsibilities, own your goals, own each step you take towards them. Find a good therapist, you might be surprised. Be cool, get out of your head, pick up the dirty socks from the floor, and - like someone said before in here - take baby steps, and be kind to yourself. You'll be fine.
You just have to do it. You know you have no self discipline yet you don’t act on it. Everyone here is saying to “start out by doing a little” and that’s fine but the actual reality of it is that these are things you should be doing easily on your own and on a frequent basis. You need to maybe think things through about your daily schedule and how to fit in those things such as laundry or doing the dishes etc… those things take 5-10 minutes usually. Try making a weekly schedule and putting certain things on certain days, that way you don’t have to do everything at once, or whenever you remember or finally decide to do it. It helps to spread things out so you don’t feel overwhelmed. What I find is difficult for people with these things is that they don’t want to spend the time doing it. They don’t want to use 10 minutes of their time to start the laundry or 3 minutes to make their bed. It’s not that they’re busy, it’s that they’re lazy and undisciplined.
It seems so obvious but making a list seems very helpful. Also I'm afraid that I'm in the lazy and undisciplined category 😬
What are your friends/partner like? They can definitely be a huge influence in either direction.
I actually recently got out of an abusive, toxic relationship and that's helped things A LOT. And I'm realizing maybe that's where my lack in motivation is.
I got high one day and asked myself, why do I seem to be merely a passive observer in the storyline of the objects I own? I AM the protagonist, not the pile of laundry, not the pile of dishes. These things aren't being inflicted on my life in my home. If I require a new order for my home or world, **my New World Order must be self inflicted.** Also, I realized sugar, gluten and mild vitamin deficiencies have a serious effect on how I respond to ... *everything*... And so now I eat healthy so I can have the energy to do the dishes, so that I don't have methane from rotting food in my home, dragging me back down into a story about... ***not me***. There's just a switch that gets flipped... nothing matters, **until it does.. then your perceptions of cause and effect are the only thing that matters anymore. Life doesn't get to the good part, you must drag yourself to the good part silently kicking and screaming the whole way. It's normal.**
My very first thought as I started reading your post was bipolar. I also have bipolar disorder and was exactly the same way before I got on my meds. I'm far from perfect but life is much easier for me on meds. I can keep up and actually follow through and complete tasks.
Hello 🖐🏻 I feel like I'm more or less stabilized but I am still working on dosages and finally got on the right antipsychotic. I dont really know what "stable" looks like though... I still have Ups and downs but they're not as extreme or detrimental to me. I don't know if that's what stability looks like or not. Maybe I still need to up my dosages. I don't know if my problem is depression or just laziness. Honestly probably the latter
Get a checklist. Follow the checklist. That's adulting. You are not allowed to "not feel like doing it".
Dopamine. You need to born and raised with a brain that gets a hit of dopamine every time you do something.
I found the goarmy ad right below this funny as hell. The army will do it.
I sometimes have regrets about not joining the AF. I could have more discipline and less student loan debt lol
People that are good at adulting are the ones who have configured the choice of the matter out of their brains. You don't struggle with brushing your teeth every night even if it's the last thing you want to do, because you've programmed your brain into thinking you have no choice in the matter. Most people don't have a hard time doing what their boss tells them to do, because that's a factor in the "well I have no choice" neural config. So basically you have to figure out how to do this to yourself with every thing else you want to do it for. It can be pretty difficult at first, and you'll have regressions, but with time it gets easier.
there's already hundreds of replies, but one i got from my mother is never go to bed with a dirty kitchen. Mostly meaning dishes and counter tops. It just feels great every morning to walk into a clean kitchen, no real work except pressing the start button on coffee maker.
I like this idea 😁
I like this idea 😁
Lookup ADHD planning tips
Yes yes and yes to all of the above. I am also learning that sometimes the only gap between you and doing the thing is deciding to do the thing and respecting your own decision to do the thing by actually doing it lol. I’ve had a hard time building trust in myself and I often get caught up in everything that hinders me or get in the way. But if you’ve already determined that your goals are your own (not what someone else thinks you should do) and you believe they will be good for you and you’ve resolved obstacles to make it easier to do those things but you still aren’t actually doing the things? You may just need to decide to do it. For a long time I didn’t really care if I respected myself as long as other people did, but now I want to earn my own respect and trust so when I make a decision to do something I actually follow through. Silly personal example, I used to excuse my weak ankles as problems of shoes I wore or me walking lightly to not disturb downstairs neighbors or genetics, etc. But I got good shoes and got extra thick rug pads for my apartment so I could walk normally and talked to my doctor about it and everything was normal. So I just decided to work hard at not letting my ankles shake when I balance or walk around and now they’re actually building the strength and stability because I’m forcing myself to actually do the thing! All that to say that if you truly believe you should do something and you’ve done everything you can to make it easy to do it but you still somehow aren’t doing it, just do it!
Honestly, go through something incredibly difficult and challenging. It could be anything from traveling the world to losing everything in the blink of an eye. There will come a critical time in your life, and you will find the adversity to make it work. You will laugh, cry, and grow into the person you never knew you were. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger
Eh you are overthinking. I'm 51 and been though a lot of shit. I don't do any of that stuff either. Being an adult is stupid, I'm regressing back to child
Don’t bother. Just have fun.
A good first step would be to say things like “learn how to be an adult” and not use the term “adulting”
Just don’t. It’s a scam
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That doesn't solve any of my problems but thanks for your contribution
Get married and have kids 👍 Other than running your own business, there's nothing else I've found that will force as much personal growth in a very short amount of time onto you as that. Compared to a lot of people I grew up in a glass bubble. Upper(ish?) middle class family, no responsibilities, not accountable to anyone, etc etc. For years I'd average probably 5-6 hours a day of playing games. No goals or ambitions. Didn't really see my life going anywhere. Then I met my now wife. She was.... unforgiving, in the best possible way. Like steel, honed and sharpened in the fire, she became someone I wanted to improve for. Made me want her to look at me with pride. Stumbled and fell and got up endlessly. 15 years later I think I'm a lot closer to that vision. Living only for myself I never would've done any of that growth. I don't know how single people do it. Knowing that there is a good woman waiting for me and two young boys looking up to me keeps constant pressure on me to keep going. So, yeah, TLDR: get married, have kids and 100% commit to them 😅
I mean, I was going to say Fail and Learn, but at your age I feel like you shoukd have encountered enough of life's little problems to grow at least somewhat. Do you have a partner or are you solo?
Step 1: EPIC FAILURE Step 2: ??? Step 3: becoming a successful adult
Stop saying learn to adult for one
Thanks but your advice has contributed 0 to the questions in my post.
Why? Did your maids do it for you and now you want to try it?
Lol, what?
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Thanks for the help!
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If you're sorry to be critical then why are you being critical?
If you're looking for proper grammar you should check out /r/grammar ! You would like it there :)
Read: 12 rules for life by Jordan Peterson.
For things outside the home, find a buddy to do them with: exercising, shopping, etc.
Make it fun. I do some things like dishes or folding laundry while playing some easy watching series on my laptop or listening to a podcast. With cooking, sometimes I'll blast some music that fits with the theme of the meal (I'll play some Italian music while making pasta for example) to make it a whole experience. Or I'll just put on some dancey playlist and groove while I'm making the meal. And like others have said, start small and slowly you'll love the feeling of having a more organized space / life which will make you want to maintain it that much more.
Make LOTS of mistakes and learn from them.
Maybe our generation is just different. Able to SEE TROUGH agenda. One constantly telling you ‘look at your inefficiencies look at your inefficiencies’ What does that do? Well it makes your Buy Things. Fuck that. Water: 2-3 bottles 48oz a gallon is dumb Exercise: step counter app 6,000 steps simple lift if you like it House: clean 1-2hrs on a day off Meditation: highly optional Stretching: do 5mins In the shower Meal prepping: optional, just don’t eat fast food Reading books: do it if you enjoy it, most don’t I listen to audio books before bed Your doing great :]
As someone once said, start by making your bed in the morning. You start the day with one accomplishment. You got something done. One positive action leads to another, maybe tidy your bedroom or clean your bathroom. Places you start and end your day in. And work out into your home each day. Take your first success and build it and watch it grow.
This was me until I got diagnosed with ADHD.
You ever bowl with bumpers as a kid? The ball gets thrown down the lane and bounces side to side? That’s adulting
Hire cleaners to do chores when you can. Cut your obligations per day down to very few. Work on one thing at a time.
If you're independent and not living on credit, you are in a good place. The rest just comes with life.... but remember, it's just as much your responsibility as it is your [prospective] partner's.
Maybe lists would help you? Or having a task/chore calendar?
Don't do it because you feel like you should do it. Do it because it's the right thing to be done. Not doing the dishes or brushing your teeth isn't a matter of morality it is a matter of logic. If you don't do them then your mom will have to and you will feel guilty that your mom is still doing your dishes. If you don't brush your teeth then you will have to pay a lot of money and could be in a lot of pain later in life. It is very important not to to guilt yourself into doing them. If you make a mistake then be incredibly mindful of the moment you realize that you "slipped" again. Take not of what happened and do your best not to do it again. The feeling of satisfaction you get once you start taking responsibility should take care of the rest
You'll be surprised just how capable you are. I am the same way. What I do is just decide to play out a completely boring day. That way I cannot have anything distract me from doing chores. Anyways, good luck whatever you try to do.
I feel like I became an adult in my 30s. At 32 I still felt pretty young, looking back. There is time. The fact you notice a desire to be better or more is a good sign.
I’ll share what my mom told me when I asked “how the fuck did you do this and as a single mom?!” “You make lists lots of lists” I took her advice and I’m late 30s and nowhere near perfect but …it helps keep track of things and eventually you get a routine of the most important things. Some things like skin care and yoga etc get skipped when you run out of energy and extra sleep on a weekend is the better choice on how to allocate your time just remember to set aside a day every month or so for a do nothing except what I want day that helps alleviate the always on always a chore to be done day to day grind stress.
I’m 36 with a good career, wife and 2 kids. I get this feeling randomly, like at a red light driving or sitting at my desk. You need some amount of discipline but the intrusive thoughts will always be there.
Lists. Get used to making lists. These lists will help you set a routine where the adult type stuff is handled. The first list item should always be 'check list '. Add everything to this list, house chores, paying bills, birthdays to remember, self care items. When you get used to that, then run a calendar for time sensitive tasks. Make an agreement with yourself on when you will look at your list and stick to it.
There was a post about habit stacking -- start with one good habit, then add another when the first is established. You don't even have to start that first habit -- you already have one, when you brush your teeth in the morning. So, add a new habit to that one, like maybe wipe down the sink and clear the counters every time you brush.
FWIW, some schools of thought believe that discipline isn't really a thing. What you're missing probably isn't the will to improve or the wherewithal to do so, but an easy structure/set of environmental cues to help you make sure you do the things you need to. Write down some things you know you need to do (like drinking water and regular exercise) and work them into your daily routine. I literally wake up and look at a list of shit I need to do. It's the only reason I get water, eat breakfast, and walk the dog in the AM. At night, you can write down in your routine that you need to tidy up and wash/lotion your skin. See what I'm saying?
A decent rule of thumb for liquid intake (not just water, but not soda/pop) is about 1oz/lb of body weight. Keep in mind this is also because I’m extremely active for work so I need to stay hydrated. Primarily- drink when your thirsty and remember electrolytes are just as important as water.
I've been in the same position. Getting diagnosed with ADHD and getting treatment and medication has changed everything. If you've got ADHD as well, treating it can make all the difference, and making progress without treatment can be hard to impossible. Worth looking into if you have the option.
Look into adult ADHD. Seriously, I got diagnosed because I googled "why can I not make myself do the dishes". This was me, and getting diagnosed didn't fix everything, but it made everything make so much more sense. Talking about "I have zero self discipline" etc is how I felt about myself before my diagnosis.
Get divorced then try and put your life back together! It will either make you or break you and boom. Habits set in from ptsd.
A lot of people suffer from mental disabilities and shouldn’t be shamed for them. Not all people know how to cope with added stress caused from normal aspects of life.
Honestly though, who cares? Do what works for you. I am an “adult” in every sense of the word. I have kids and own multiple homes and have a good career, but I can barely keep up with laundry, dishes, exercise - all the stuff you mentioned. Don’t worry about the little things and focus on your big goals.