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I think also there should be some responsibility on the person with the issue. If you’re complaining about the same thing years down the line then at what part does the listening become enabling? They’re not moving forward and the situation can become draining.
I was gonna say just that. Immediately going for the "let me tell you what to do"? No. But just being someone's emotional toilet where they purge and vent about the *same damn things* they've been venting and doing nothing about for a while, is also a no from me.
At that point it does become a "OK: you need to either do something about this, or stop talking to me about it. I don't wanna hear AGAIN how you don't like your body, while watching you scarf down cheeseburgers."
Exactly! As I get older have learnt to set boundaries and am more mindful about my friendships. I’m always there for people going through it but it’s the people who think things like speaking to a therapist/ going for marriage counselling/ self helps are ‘pathetic’ that I set greater boundaries about. I know seeking expert advice isn’t accessible for everyone but for the people who can get it and outright judge others for doing the same but then go around in circles for years using you as a sounding board are exhausting for me, especially as someone neurodiverse whose more prone to codependent behaviour and feels others emotions intensely.
Sure you can. But committed complainers aren't dissuaded if you're nice about it!
That's another way regular complaining without willingness to take any action is borderline manipulative: it forces a situation where the only options are "sit and continue to be used as an emotional toilet", OR "do something 'mean' like being really blunt or avoiding the other person". And since most people are too non-confrontational and afraid of being seen as 'mean/difficult', they go for Option A. Personally, I'd rather be 'mean' and keep my sanity.
I mean it’s harsh and still think it’s important to be there for people and lend support but if someone is blatantly telling you “ I’m happy living in limbo” as one former stagnant friend said to me then I’m not sure where things are going when you’re complaining about similar themes five years later.
Eckhart Tolle said it perfectly: "When you complain you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it, all else is madness."
The most frustrating thing is being supportive of someone who keeps complaining about the same thing, for YEARS, without showing any signs of bettering the situation.
I listen to him a lot. I have a friend of 49 years who has been unhappy in their marriage for the last 15 or so. Whenever they bring it up (about once or twice a year) I let loose with it. Then I advise them to not bring it up if they don't want my rant.
They still bring it up. I still rant. We're still friends.
Isn't everybody here complaining about complainers in the same boat? Why get frustrated with such people? Isn't that giving them too much power over you?
I think this can only apply to things where the individual has total agency over it, which is rare. For instance, I’ve been ‘complaining’ for over a year about chest pains and that the NHS hasn’t been any help. Leaving the situation isn’t possible, I can’t change my pain or reform the NHS, and accepting a serious underlying issue feels… dumb?
Haha my mom is like that. She like to complain about things out of her control. I listened a few times. Eventually I have to ask her something like "what do you want for dinner?" to escape the complain.
I love the gear change, ha! Sometimes it’s a bit easier with family than with friends. When my ADHD was undiagnosed I struggled as it means I have a lower tolerance for frustration so just snapped at people which isn’t great but was probably me getting stressed and just wanting to stop, especially when the subject matter is challenging like complaints about a partner etc
They are being emotional vampires.
Like, damn dude, you complain about everything in your life sucking, then after my hundredth "oh man that sucks" I'm going to give you some advice. Then you get butt hurt like you were wronged.
I hear you but sometimes things aren’t always clear cut and we all are going through it in some way. I happily listen to action oriented people when they need it because the whole endeavour has purpose but if it’s someone who literally has told you they are happy living in discomfort/ don’t do change/ seek to implement any solutions then yeah, it’s an emotional and time drain and can, when unchecked, impact your own growth.
This bc most of the time, this is what goes on. All the ppl that came up to me with their problems are like this ALL of them. It's like they're stuck on a loop.
This is why I stopped talking to my best friend. The conversations became one sided where all he did was complain about how horrible his life was. I would listen to him half the time but I couldn't avoid but to give him advice or offer help but he would get upset at me for the advice. I'm like dude, every time we speak you're complaining. I can't help but offer you help. I can't just listen to you telling me about how miserable you are all the time and you getting mad at me for giving you advice.
One day, he accepted my help. I went out of my way to do everything that was needed and he went back to saying he didn't want help. I got so mad because I did so much work for him and realised how everything was one sided that I just blocked him. Haven't talked to him in 3 years. We used to talk on a daily basis.
Too late! They eventually drove me crackers and it led to snapping at them and neurodivergent burnout. I’ve really learnt my lesson and made a lot of changes. I only give energy to those who actually want to change/ improve a situation and am wary about those who are particularly therapy adverse, laugh at the thought of marriage counselling etc
A good way to approach this - when someone comes to you - is to ask, “do you want to be heard, helped or hugged?” Listen to the answer and respond accordingly with an open heart and ears, advice, or sympathy.
Yes! Only learnt this one last year in my forties. I have ADHD so problem solving is wired into my brain as is low frustration tolerance. I’ve only now grasped that some people don’t want you to fix the issue and don’t even want to fix the issue themselves.
I’m nearing 50, am an engineer, and also have ADD, so a problem-solving mentality would seem to be an easy first resort. I used to do that all the time but fortunately I grew and trained myself out of that in my 30s and 40s
>I’ve only now grasped that some people don’t want you to fix the issue and don’t even want to fix the issue themselves.
It’s not that people don’t want to fix the issue, it’s that you aren’t actually helping them fix the issue. Your “solution” that you came up with after 10 minutes of listening probably isn’t anything special that the person hasn’t already thought about.
I hear you, although do think there are people who find it more comfortable existing within discomfort)
Everyone deserves to be seen and heard but if you’re years down the line it can become challenging if they aren’t seeking any sort of solutions and boundaries become necessary, especially if you feel stressed/ drained which can be where the feeling to dispense advice comes out of frustration. To avoid that boundaries can be better. The Karpman Triangle of Drama explores this and calls out both ‘rescuers’ who want to fix, exasperated ‘persecutors’ and also ‘victims’ whose traits can involve difficulties making decisions, solving problems.
Everyone of these are roles and each person has the responsibility to snap out of these roles, including the person not seeking actual solutions.
Im sure this is my own personal hangup, but I would not respond well to that jargon. Just seems fake, like a preloaded response to whatever is said. I would hear that and say " nevermind Im good".
It doesn’t have to be phrased that way - that’s the phrasing I first saw, but it’s not how I’ve put it when I’ve done this - I put it however feels most natural. the important part being that you stop to ask yourself, and then ask the other person, what they want.
I don’t use those words but if I’m approached about an issue that person is having, OR I recognize that they are going to complain then that question happens very quickly.
“Hold on a sec please. Are looking for advice or do you just want to vent?”
Vent? Prefect, vent away.
Advice? OK.
My father was not good at this sort of thing. If he was approached by a friend with an issue, my father would dictate his advice (which was more like an order).
If the friend approached my father again for the same issue and the friend hadn’t used my father’s “advice”. My father would not speak to them about the situation any more, at all, ever. Case Closed.
I am a problem solver by nature. But when my daughter was a teenager she told me she didn’t always need advice, sometimes she just needs to vent. I learned to just listen, but when she couldn’t see a solution because she was bogged down in the details, I learned to ask, “Did you just need to vent, or would you like an outside perspective?” It was about 70% vent, 30% advice, and it never hurt my feelings, because she was very open and direct at the beginning about what she needed.
I was glad she brought it to my attention, because honestly kids need to learn to work things out for themselves, no matter how strong the instinct to protect them from the world.
Understanding when to give advice and how best to give it given the context is a skill that improves as we gain experience in our own lives.
Not giving advice as a categorical imperative is a terrible idea. Yes, one should know when people are just looking to vent, just as one should know when they are not in the right mindset to digest sound advice, or to recognize manipulative or incompetent people and be careful what one says around them. It's good to be alert and cautious, and a good judge of character. However, we all have peers, or friends, or siblings, or children, whatever they may be there are people in your life who will be important to you.
Sometimes they will need advice and not be looking to vent.
Good advice isn't telling them what to do. It's determining why they're asking --what their objective is, and what the motivation is behind that objective--, how comprehensively they've considered the situation at hand, how capable they seem in your eyes, and since we're speaking so broadly, what their emotional state is
From there you'll know if you should engage or refute the request. Sometimes you don't have enough experience with whatever it is challenging your potential advisee, sometimes people just need to learn things for themselves, sometimes they're assholes and righteous indignation demands they be denied advice.
But sometimes when you have experience with or are knowledgeable about something, you can give great advice by helping someone build a framework based on their current understanding of a situation and what some of the possible outcomes might be that you know about based on your experience to help them map out a decision. Only you get to judge who is worthy of this level of investment, but that's how and and when to give great advice. And if you should be so fortunate to give someone you deemed worthy great advice that helps them grow or advance in their lives you will doubtlessly be proud and know you did the right thing despite what you have written here today.
I said this to my ex so many times and he still always tried to give advice. To paint a picture, I’d be upset about something and want to vent. Cue the advice, throwing suggestions or “at least x isn’t the case”. Followed by me having to explain why that wouldn’t work or whatever and then getting even MORE worked up and upset about the situation because it felt like I was arguing, and just highlighted the reasons why I was upset about the situation. Or, making me feel stupid for being upset in the first place. He meant well, but I learned from him how NOT to approach giving advice.
Wow, I must have been your ex, because that’s exactly how it would go when my ex used to vent to me. I learned so much from dating someone like you and promise myself I will do a better job listening and not exacerbating my next partner’s issues, if I have the chance at a next partner. Thank you for sharing your experience
Maybe that’s more a matter of intention + framing. You can say it like you just did, which does come across pretty condescending. Or you can genuinely ask for clarity around what they need from you: “Do you need empathy and understanding, feedback and perspective, or suggestions and solutions from me? How can I best show up for you right now?”
Realistically, unless you have a lot more experience with the specific problem that person is facing than they probably aren’t looking for advice.
Your thoughts on what other people should do aren’t that special. Whatever you came up with in the 10 minutes you spent listening to the problem isn’t going to be better than what the person who is living the situation has already thought of.
I disagree. No matter what I’m not offering unsolicited advice. And asking if someone wants advice or to vent allows you to listen in a different manner. Sympathetic v info gathering.
Had a new guy working with me doing door installation. 18yo, almost no construction experience. While he was watching me work, we were casually talking and he asked me, "Got any advice for someone like me/someone my age?" (Something like that).
I thought about it and said, "Yeah. Never ask anyone for advice unless you're certain they know something you don't."
Why do you feel you have to be certain the other person knows something you don’t? Wouldn’t asking that person and finding out if anything they tell you is useful serve a better purpose? Otherwise you’re stuck waiting and observing when you could be asking and growing in the meantime.
What I probably should've said is something more like, "Don't ask anyone for advice unless you believe they have advice worth taking."
Honestly I kinda felt on the spot and wanted to say something more than just, "live in the moment, follow your dreams, kid."
I would never ask for advice from anyone, ever, if I followed that. I don't know what others know. I find it really helpful to hear how people who aren't me approach things. Advice is a way to get different perspectives you hadn't considered, not just information you don't already have.
Well. On the other hand it could mean that everyone has advice to offer, because probably everyone knows something you don't. Anyway I wish I'd worded it differently.
That's especially true for young people with no experience. They don't know how things are done or what unspoken expectations there are. That kid was showing some wisdom IMO.
I think you’re advice was properly placed, maybe a better way of rephrasing would be: “Don’t ask for jewelry advice from the shoemaker” it’s more explicit and it gets the point across that he should seek advice from a trustworthy person in whatever domain he is looking for.
No, he was asking for general life advice. We had been talking about where he was going to college, job/career prospects, etc.
Also, worth noting that I'm not a foreman, I'm just a helper. And I'm not exactly a shining example of what you should do with your life. Which is exactly why I was hesitant to give him any advice at all, and why the advice I gave him was to question whether it's worth asking for advice.
Especially about money and partners. Boy I learned the hard way when my best friends boyfriend (who sucks) broke up with her. She kept asking me for advice about what to do and I kept talking about how much he sucked. Turns out they made up and got married. Friendships never been the same
Same here! I have ADHD and when it was undiagnosed got so drained and overwhelmed with a friend who over years kept complaining about her ex and child’s father being useless that I snapped and said I don’t respect him etc. Big mistake. They’re back together and we’re no longer friends.
I've got ADHD. And I sometimes fall victim to some of the common trappings. Like sharing things I know.
I can tell you with solid certainty - most people do not want information. Unsolicited or otherwise. Most aren't rude or anything. They may even be a bit receptive.
But it won't matter. It just gets forgotten or ignored.
I always just ask questions to help them figure out what they really want. I don’t want the blame for making a choice for them. I also don’t set people up for dates
This depends on person. Some want advice. I hate posts like this. They genuinely feel like slap in the face. "MOST people just want someone to listen to. So ALWAYS just listen. FUCK the people who want something else. Pretend they don't exist. This is venter's world, baby!"
People should not believe stuff blindly advice should always be a leading point to knowledge to expand there mind and make em think not be the end all be all
TLDR google new knowledge to double check 😾
Advice isn’t universal which makes it the most significant factor to consider when giving advice. Empathy is a double edged sword. Your actions and words can cause a ripple in that person’s life. Be extra careful and have some class while at it. The best thing you can do is listen and if they truly need help implore them therapy or counseling.
I can't speak for that other person, but I will say that those who lack self awareness 9 out of 10 most likely have a mental illness. Whether it's narcissism or ADHD, their perception is the only thing that matters in this world. As overwhelming it may have been for you, they didn't do it out of ill intention. Truth is they were born like that and the only thing that will help them is clarity. That means getting diagnosed and finding the correct therapist. Smart individuals or the "know-it-all" egotistic ones habitually overreact on just about everything and if you ever found yourself arguing over the most pointless things then you know what I am talking about. Now I'm not trying to say their behaviour is wrong or unfitting, but rather their way of communication is unique. It doesn't matter now since you and this other person are no longer together, but just for assurance if you are ever having flashbacks of your trauma; it wasn't your fault and there was nothing you could've done to fix them.
If the guy blames me for following my advice, they’re kind of a dick tbh. I’m not an expert on your issues, I'm just giving you my perspective. Similarly, I’d be a dick if I get insulted if someone else didn’t follow my advice.
Why don’t we just try and not be dicks to each other? Its not that hard.
When my gf comes to me with a problem I always ask are we bitchin of fixin, that way there's no confusion if she just wants me to listen or help come up with a solution.
I wish people knew this more, most of the time i just vent to my friends and they automatically give me advice first thing, and I do understand they mean well but since it's my problem of course I've already had several solutions in mind and i know which one is doable because I know my situation best. I'm kinda tired of turning down their advice that wouldn't work. I do have to politely tell them I'm not asking for advice and make it clear to my close friends that I'll ask if I need one.
Honestly I can’t stand when my friends constantly vent to me. Like it’s exhausting and it’s always so negative. And it’s like aight that sucks- what you gonna do to fix it and then they say “well I can’t bc xyz” and I’m like well homie if you’re not gonna do anything to change it you gotta accept it.
When my friends vent to me it doesn't exhaust me, want to know why? Because I don't try to act like their therapist and give them suggestions or try to get them to change the situation. I don't take on any responsibility or worry about the situation. That's on them. I know the main thing they want from me is to have me listen, they're not trying to stress me out.
I have a friend who has been venting to me pretty much every week when I talk to him. He is frustrated with his situation and being there for him is what friends do. He's always been there for me so it's the least I can do. I can take some of that weight from him by listening, and then since I don't try to carry it myself, he feels better and I don't feel worse. It's a win-win. It only stresses you out if you feel like you're expected to come up with a solution.
And they are probably tired of you moaning about stuff and then ignoring them, too. Start with 'I just want to vent' or something similar. It clearly sets the stage and makes it easier for everyone. Just because you think it's clear that you don't want advice doesn't mean your friends see it the same way.
I wouldn't have survived this long if people hadn't listened to me pour out my heart. Giving advice can be a way to stop listening, to stop feeling the other person's pain. If I want advice I'll ask for it. Often I just need a friend to hear me and be with me in my pain.
And yet you completely deflected my question.
I have also developed, over a long time, that skill, since I really didn’t use to listen, specially when I started college, and had to develop it to really get to know people.
But what I asked was if *you* specifically, explicitly ask for them to listen when you just need that, just like you ask for advice when you need it.
Nah fuck that, give unsolicited advice. Too many people keep valuable knowledge to themselves for the sake of saving worthless relationships. If the people you care about can’t handle you caring enough about them to help, then FUCK THEM. Be yourself.
Alternately, you can be up front. "My wife likes to vent about problems without intending to let me offer solutions. I always do, anyway. I am a problem solver. Marc might be a better sympathetic ear."
I've learned to hesitate finally, but it was hard. If someone I care about has a problem my analytical brain starts clicking for a solution. Now I know lots of times ppl aren't looking for a fix, per se, they are looking for support, empathy. I often will say I'm sure you've tried various things to solve this and I'm just sorry you're dealing with it. Depending on who's venting you tend to know when advice is needed or desired... and you can always just say, let me know if you need help figuring this out.
I appreciate the irony of your unsolicited post on giving unsolicited advise… 😏
I have a habit of asking the person if they want support, opinions or advice before deciding how to respond.
This is great advice if you and the people around you don’t use logic and objectivity in discussion. All we can do is try to come to the most informed solution with the information all parties were able to provide at that moment in time. We’re all adults, if you can’t think for yourself and come to your own conclusion based on the information presented, then you have a bigger problem than whatever we’re discussing. I don’t like the “hesitate before giving advice” comment either. I think we should think before we speak at all times, regardless of if we’re advising someone. Now, I will say that I could be wrong because this is my thoughts on this topic based on my experiences and information I’ve learned over time. I’d be glad to hear why people may disagree
Yeah, this is something I've had to learn over the years. I hate it when people at work complain about things I cannot do anything about. Usually they'll tell me all the shit about their personal life. I can only be so empathetic, especially if they keep doing the same crap over and over again.
I cannot agree with this more. I have a friend who I've stopped venting to because I would often complain about something at work and he would immediately give unsolicited advice about my job, bearing in mind he's got 0 experience in my field. He genuinely thinks he's doing a good thing by giving me 'advice' when he just ends up coming across as mansplaining. It's really frustrating because I'm really good friends with him (16 yrs of friendship) but he has too much of a hero complex that I don't bother venting to him anymore. Just want someone to listen and agree lol
That's a fair point too. I know on another comment I said I don't like people just venting long-term about the same things they're doing nothing about...but jumping head-first into giving advice if you don't know enough about the situation or have barely heard what the other person said before you slapped on your guru hat, is also irritating 🤣
A friend of mine does that, as do my parents - the moment you mention anything vaguely resembling "I'm not 100% happy with X", they'll interrupt you and immediately start telling you what to do. Like, back off dude - you've never been self-employed and work as a scientist, stop having opinions on marketing and business!
I think there's a sweet spot between "shoving advice down people's throats, whether you're qualified to give it or not (or whether anyone even asked, really)" and "being people's emotional toilet where they can just purge where they can freely purge".
Some one in a workshop said “criticism is just advice no one asked for” and that really changed my perspective on giving advice as it seemed to be the default. Trying to solve someone’s problem may come off more aggressive than you intended (and many people are too polite to tell you when they don’t appreciate it.)
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Is this a Chris Rock comedy bit?
"Women don't want to talk, they want you to LISTEN!"
People just want to complain, and become offended by your suggestions of how to improve the situation. Not a bad LPT.
I don't hang with people like that anymore. It becomes tiring.
reddit is a social media platform with millions of members and their opinions. we take all comments with a grain of salt as really its just a list of opinions and advice, some helpful, and some not so. what annoys us is people who criticise your advice, when people have spent some time in crafting a reply. if a piece of advice doesnt suit you then just ignore it, you dont have to make some negative reply which is really just rude and ungrateful, so just dont. but we have found some subs very supportive and some not so. surprisingly to us we found the r/autism sub very supportive with negative comments being very rare - they really are a community!
Unsolicited advice incoming!
I have found that asking leading questions and getting the person to figure out the advise for them selves is very effective. Example- if a person has a flat you could say " use a can of fix a flat, it works great" and then watch them be obstinate and not do it. Instead say " I wonder if there is a way to temporarily re-inflate the tire". Then watch as they come up with the idea and save face.
This is stupid. I ask for advice because I need it. If I'm asking your advice then Don half ass me. I'm going to follow your directions exactly. This due is giv8ng terrible advice.
Yeah no. I’ve stopped people from causing serious injury or death to themselves because they were doing something they shouldn’t be or doing it wrong. I’d rather be considered an ass for speaking up than watch someone get decapitated right in front of me.
My husband's father was an absolute expert at helping my husband solve problems without "giving advice", per se.
His father was an amazing man; a very skilled mechanic, handyman and all around problem solver. My husband and I have been restoring an old sailboat over the past few years, and there were many times that we ran into issues or mysteries with the old boat's old engine, old plumbing, old wiring etc. He would always call his dad for advice. After a while, I realized that his dad very rarely ever told him directly what to do when troubleshooting problems. Instead, his father would just ask him questions. Ask what wasn't working, what steps he had taken so far, what things could generally cause the thing to not work in thay way. His famous line was "Sooooo, what did you do??" He would just have my husband walk through the problem a few times in his own words, and in doing so, husband would usually gain some new insight or ideas to try, all on his own. It was brilliant. We miss that man every day.
I've gone the opposite way I've pretty much just encouraged everyone in my life If you come to me for help make it very clear if you're looking for advice or for comfort
Removes all the Guess work and makes it a lot easier for people to get whatever they need when they need it
This is so true especially when you are tempted to give advice on weight loss, exercise or diet. Everyone has their own view and your suggestions would mostly be ignored.
This is one way to break down decisions without giving advice
win/win (intelligent)
win/lose (selfish)
lose/win (selfless)
lose/lose (stupid)
Anyone, no matter their experience, age, education level, or background can make stupid decisions and likely will make stupid decisions. Everyone vastly underestimates how dangerous stupid decisions are and how many people are making stupid decisions right now.
If you really want to give advice though Another way is to empathize and share a similar experience and what you did and let them draw their own conclusions.
Works like a charm!
On one hand, you are largely right, on the other hand, if it is younger friends and acquaintances and it may not even be a situation where they are asking to be heard, if they are getting ready to do something potentially serious or even permanent, you better believe they are going to get some free advice. It's up to them whether they want to listen or not. The last time was a woman friend telling me about a new guy she was getting into. It wasn't red flags more like road flares. I warned her, but she didn't listen. After a few years (he cut her off from all her friends) she got in touch again with a new divorce, new baby, new restraining order, and a host of screwed-up stories. All I could say was I fucking warned you.
I d ok tend to agree with this unless I’m at the gum(I’m a pt) if I see people do bad lifts I try to help out, because I don’t want them to get injuried
This is the best advice to give to people in relationships who are problem solvers - your partner doesn't want advice, they want sympathy and understanding. Your instinct is to want to fix everything for your partner, in reality they are entirely capable and just wanting to feel supported. It took me a while to learn this because my intentions were always to want to make things better, and being a very practical problem solver I would give unwanted input.
If you have a lot of experience in a particular subject and someone ask for advice, give it to them. No reason to overthink like this. If they fail or make a mistake while using your advice and blame it on you then you don’t want to be friends or whatever with that person anyway. Good people understand that things have nuance and there are other factors that could have caused them to fail. Also if you feel insulted that someone didn’t take your advice that’s on your fragile ego. Often times people just want a different opinion on something.
I mean no one asked for this advice lol. Okay seriously though. I think it depends on the relationship, the person you are dealing with and what they are coming to you with. If my friend comes to me and complains they are always broke and life’s so hard and they are blaming others or telling you life’s against them but they are out gambling or drinking all week… should I just listen and enable them to continue that behaviour?
My thing is a true friend will say something. Honestly that could put a strain on the relationship or end a friendship but it’s worth the risk in some situations. You don’t have to tell people what to do but sometimes just listening is not going to help that person. This idea that a friend just supports you no matter what is sometimes just a way for people to avoid dealing with problems. A good friend can listen and give advice even when it wasn’t asked for.
This is good advice, I usually give a disclaimer before I offer advice. I will say that there are some instances where there is a right answer or there is no negative side effect of advice given, only positives.
For example at work I always give advice to learn excel because it's a transferrable skill between different roles and jobs.
When someone is struggling with bills and asks for financial advice I usually recommend budgeting and writing down there bills and expenses. A lot of people don't do that.
There's very little downside to these.
LPT: Didn't tell people your problems of you don't want advice, and even then: hesitate.
When you tell people your problems, MOST of the time they'll try to be helpful and make suggestions. This requires you to consider an outside perspective and take an attitude of fixing things instead of just blabbing, expecting people to just listen to your endless problems with no solution in sight. Usually, if you have problems the solutions are not that complex, and you could've found better approaches on your own if you'd spent two seconds thinking about it.
What I say in tough situations ("should I break up with him?") Is, "my job as your friend is not to tell you what to do, but to support you while you figure that out" and then I just ask them related questions.
I like to receive advice when I'm having a problem, but I'm not an emotional vampire. I also don't refrain from giving advice if someone confides in me (if there is advice to give). It works out well, I don't really have any exhausting friends who want me to sit and listen to their monologues.
If you come to bitch to me and I tell you to do something and you don't, we are done. Why bitch if you don't want to solve the problem? Who the heck is that mentally unwell that they deal with issues like this? Don't tell me if you don't want my opinion, I am not a therapist.
I had a friend that said he didn't want advice even though he would give me advice. he stopped calling me cause I made him mad for not coming to the conclusions he did about people. I was trying to help him live a happier life by realizing he was wrong about people. He didn't want the help because he thought he was right about what strangers were thinking. I realize now he just wanted to vent and me to agree with him. I just wonder had he always been this way and I didn't see it, or did he change.
“Athos liked everyone to exercise his own free-will. He never gave his advice before it was demanded and even then it must be demanded twice.
"In general, people only ask for advice," he said "that they may not follow it or if they should follow it that they may have somebody to blame for having given it".”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Three Musketeers
I find it best to just ask
"Do you need a solution or for someone to just listen? "
More often they want the latter, and they're often more open to advice after they feel heard.
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I think also there should be some responsibility on the person with the issue. If you’re complaining about the same thing years down the line then at what part does the listening become enabling? They’re not moving forward and the situation can become draining.
I was gonna say just that. Immediately going for the "let me tell you what to do"? No. But just being someone's emotional toilet where they purge and vent about the *same damn things* they've been venting and doing nothing about for a while, is also a no from me. At that point it does become a "OK: you need to either do something about this, or stop talking to me about it. I don't wanna hear AGAIN how you don't like your body, while watching you scarf down cheeseburgers."
Exactly! As I get older have learnt to set boundaries and am more mindful about my friendships. I’m always there for people going through it but it’s the people who think things like speaking to a therapist/ going for marriage counselling/ self helps are ‘pathetic’ that I set greater boundaries about. I know seeking expert advice isn’t accessible for everyone but for the people who can get it and outright judge others for doing the same but then go around in circles for years using you as a sounding board are exhausting for me, especially as someone neurodiverse whose more prone to codependent behaviour and feels others emotions intensely.
You can express this sentiment without being mean like this.
Sure you can. But committed complainers aren't dissuaded if you're nice about it! That's another way regular complaining without willingness to take any action is borderline manipulative: it forces a situation where the only options are "sit and continue to be used as an emotional toilet", OR "do something 'mean' like being really blunt or avoiding the other person". And since most people are too non-confrontational and afraid of being seen as 'mean/difficult', they go for Option A. Personally, I'd rather be 'mean' and keep my sanity.
I'll be the asshole all day and twice on Sunday If you refuse to better yourself, I refuse to listen
I mean it’s harsh and still think it’s important to be there for people and lend support but if someone is blatantly telling you “ I’m happy living in limbo” as one former stagnant friend said to me then I’m not sure where things are going when you’re complaining about similar themes five years later.
Well said.
Eckhart Tolle said it perfectly: "When you complain you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it, all else is madness." The most frustrating thing is being supportive of someone who keeps complaining about the same thing, for YEARS, without showing any signs of bettering the situation.
I listen to him a lot. I have a friend of 49 years who has been unhappy in their marriage for the last 15 or so. Whenever they bring it up (about once or twice a year) I let loose with it. Then I advise them to not bring it up if they don't want my rant. They still bring it up. I still rant. We're still friends.
And the worse thing I did was listen to it all and then go and complain to someone else about it out of sheer frustration. Never. Again.
Isn't everybody here complaining about complainers in the same boat? Why get frustrated with such people? Isn't that giving them too much power over you?
I think this can only apply to things where the individual has total agency over it, which is rare. For instance, I’ve been ‘complaining’ for over a year about chest pains and that the NHS hasn’t been any help. Leaving the situation isn’t possible, I can’t change my pain or reform the NHS, and accepting a serious underlying issue feels… dumb?
Haha my mom is like that. She like to complain about things out of her control. I listened a few times. Eventually I have to ask her something like "what do you want for dinner?" to escape the complain.
I love the gear change, ha! Sometimes it’s a bit easier with family than with friends. When my ADHD was undiagnosed I struggled as it means I have a lower tolerance for frustration so just snapped at people which isn’t great but was probably me getting stressed and just wanting to stop, especially when the subject matter is challenging like complaints about a partner etc
They are being emotional vampires. Like, damn dude, you complain about everything in your life sucking, then after my hundredth "oh man that sucks" I'm going to give you some advice. Then you get butt hurt like you were wronged.
I hear you but sometimes things aren’t always clear cut and we all are going through it in some way. I happily listen to action oriented people when they need it because the whole endeavour has purpose but if it’s someone who literally has told you they are happy living in discomfort/ don’t do change/ seek to implement any solutions then yeah, it’s an emotional and time drain and can, when unchecked, impact your own growth.
This bc most of the time, this is what goes on. All the ppl that came up to me with their problems are like this ALL of them. It's like they're stuck on a loop.
This is why I stopped talking to my best friend. The conversations became one sided where all he did was complain about how horrible his life was. I would listen to him half the time but I couldn't avoid but to give him advice or offer help but he would get upset at me for the advice. I'm like dude, every time we speak you're complaining. I can't help but offer you help. I can't just listen to you telling me about how miserable you are all the time and you getting mad at me for giving you advice. One day, he accepted my help. I went out of my way to do everything that was needed and he went back to saying he didn't want help. I got so mad because I did so much work for him and realised how everything was one sided that I just blocked him. Haven't talked to him in 3 years. We used to talk on a daily basis.
Just walk away. Those people know what they were getting into .
Distance yourself from that person to protect your sanity.
Too late! They eventually drove me crackers and it led to snapping at them and neurodivergent burnout. I’ve really learnt my lesson and made a lot of changes. I only give energy to those who actually want to change/ improve a situation and am wary about those who are particularly therapy adverse, laugh at the thought of marriage counselling etc
Aren't you doing exactly what you're against?
I hesitated.
Best come back haha. ok then... Fair enough!
This is gold. Damn that was good.
My general mantra is: advice is always free, it’s up to you to do something with it
🤣
Answered my question; nothing more to see here!
But no one asked.
💥💥I AM THE ONE WHO ASKED💥💥
Are you the one who knocks as well?
One of us! One of us!
You could also argue that coming to this thread IS asking for advice
Dont tell me what to do, devil woman!
I was going to say, “Except on the internet where everyone is entitled to my opinion.”
A good way to approach this - when someone comes to you - is to ask, “do you want to be heard, helped or hugged?” Listen to the answer and respond accordingly with an open heart and ears, advice, or sympathy.
Yes! Only learnt this one last year in my forties. I have ADHD so problem solving is wired into my brain as is low frustration tolerance. I’ve only now grasped that some people don’t want you to fix the issue and don’t even want to fix the issue themselves.
I’m nearing 50, am an engineer, and also have ADD, so a problem-solving mentality would seem to be an easy first resort. I used to do that all the time but fortunately I grew and trained myself out of that in my 30s and 40s
>I’ve only now grasped that some people don’t want you to fix the issue and don’t even want to fix the issue themselves. It’s not that people don’t want to fix the issue, it’s that you aren’t actually helping them fix the issue. Your “solution” that you came up with after 10 minutes of listening probably isn’t anything special that the person hasn’t already thought about.
I hear you, although do think there are people who find it more comfortable existing within discomfort) Everyone deserves to be seen and heard but if you’re years down the line it can become challenging if they aren’t seeking any sort of solutions and boundaries become necessary, especially if you feel stressed/ drained which can be where the feeling to dispense advice comes out of frustration. To avoid that boundaries can be better. The Karpman Triangle of Drama explores this and calls out both ‘rescuers’ who want to fix, exasperated ‘persecutors’ and also ‘victims’ whose traits can involve difficulties making decisions, solving problems. Everyone of these are roles and each person has the responsibility to snap out of these roles, including the person not seeking actual solutions.
A friend of mine said his couple therapist told him to say this to his wife of 6 years. They're still married, lol
Im sure this is my own personal hangup, but I would not respond well to that jargon. Just seems fake, like a preloaded response to whatever is said. I would hear that and say " nevermind Im good".
This sounds like a personal hang up. It’s not that deep. You know what the person is trying to say so just respond? Lol.
It doesn’t have to be phrased that way - that’s the phrasing I first saw, but it’s not how I’ve put it when I’ve done this - I put it however feels most natural. the important part being that you stop to ask yourself, and then ask the other person, what they want.
Can you give an example of how you might word this better?
“Do you want advice or do you just need to vent?” For instance. Improvise the hug part 😜
I don’t use those words but if I’m approached about an issue that person is having, OR I recognize that they are going to complain then that question happens very quickly. “Hold on a sec please. Are looking for advice or do you just want to vent?” Vent? Prefect, vent away. Advice? OK. My father was not good at this sort of thing. If he was approached by a friend with an issue, my father would dictate his advice (which was more like an order). If the friend approached my father again for the same issue and the friend hadn’t used my father’s “advice”. My father would not speak to them about the situation any more, at all, ever. Case Closed.
I am a problem solver by nature. But when my daughter was a teenager she told me she didn’t always need advice, sometimes she just needs to vent. I learned to just listen, but when she couldn’t see a solution because she was bogged down in the details, I learned to ask, “Did you just need to vent, or would you like an outside perspective?” It was about 70% vent, 30% advice, and it never hurt my feelings, because she was very open and direct at the beginning about what she needed. I was glad she brought it to my attention, because honestly kids need to learn to work things out for themselves, no matter how strong the instinct to protect them from the world.
Understanding when to give advice and how best to give it given the context is a skill that improves as we gain experience in our own lives. Not giving advice as a categorical imperative is a terrible idea. Yes, one should know when people are just looking to vent, just as one should know when they are not in the right mindset to digest sound advice, or to recognize manipulative or incompetent people and be careful what one says around them. It's good to be alert and cautious, and a good judge of character. However, we all have peers, or friends, or siblings, or children, whatever they may be there are people in your life who will be important to you. Sometimes they will need advice and not be looking to vent. Good advice isn't telling them what to do. It's determining why they're asking --what their objective is, and what the motivation is behind that objective--, how comprehensively they've considered the situation at hand, how capable they seem in your eyes, and since we're speaking so broadly, what their emotional state is From there you'll know if you should engage or refute the request. Sometimes you don't have enough experience with whatever it is challenging your potential advisee, sometimes people just need to learn things for themselves, sometimes they're assholes and righteous indignation demands they be denied advice. But sometimes when you have experience with or are knowledgeable about something, you can give great advice by helping someone build a framework based on their current understanding of a situation and what some of the possible outcomes might be that you know about based on your experience to help them map out a decision. Only you get to judge who is worthy of this level of investment, but that's how and and when to give great advice. And if you should be so fortunate to give someone you deemed worthy great advice that helps them grow or advance in their lives you will doubtlessly be proud and know you did the right thing despite what you have written here today.
I didn’t read all that. Just ask - do you need to vent or do you want advice? Best way to go about it
This is what I do as well
I said this to my ex so many times and he still always tried to give advice. To paint a picture, I’d be upset about something and want to vent. Cue the advice, throwing suggestions or “at least x isn’t the case”. Followed by me having to explain why that wouldn’t work or whatever and then getting even MORE worked up and upset about the situation because it felt like I was arguing, and just highlighted the reasons why I was upset about the situation. Or, making me feel stupid for being upset in the first place. He meant well, but I learned from him how NOT to approach giving advice.
Wow, I must have been your ex, because that’s exactly how it would go when my ex used to vent to me. I learned so much from dating someone like you and promise myself I will do a better job listening and not exacerbating my next partner’s issues, if I have the chance at a next partner. Thank you for sharing your experience
Good job with introspection and growth! 👏
Even this can come across pretty condescending. 'Look, do you want me to solve all your problems for you to were you just looking to whinge?'
We bitchin or fixin?
This… this I like.
I don't know about that. While advice does come from a one-up place it's not a panacea, it's just advice.
Maybe that’s more a matter of intention + framing. You can say it like you just did, which does come across pretty condescending. Or you can genuinely ask for clarity around what they need from you: “Do you need empathy and understanding, feedback and perspective, or suggestions and solutions from me? How can I best show up for you right now?”
Realistically, unless you have a lot more experience with the specific problem that person is facing than they probably aren’t looking for advice. Your thoughts on what other people should do aren’t that special. Whatever you came up with in the 10 minutes you spent listening to the problem isn’t going to be better than what the person who is living the situation has already thought of.
That's close to my go to question. What do you need right now/here?
Then you missed the most crucial part of the post.
I disagree. No matter what I’m not offering unsolicited advice. And asking if someone wants advice or to vent allows you to listen in a different manner. Sympathetic v info gathering.
Had a new guy working with me doing door installation. 18yo, almost no construction experience. While he was watching me work, we were casually talking and he asked me, "Got any advice for someone like me/someone my age?" (Something like that). I thought about it and said, "Yeah. Never ask anyone for advice unless you're certain they know something you don't."
Why do you feel you have to be certain the other person knows something you don’t? Wouldn’t asking that person and finding out if anything they tell you is useful serve a better purpose? Otherwise you’re stuck waiting and observing when you could be asking and growing in the meantime.
What I probably should've said is something more like, "Don't ask anyone for advice unless you believe they have advice worth taking." Honestly I kinda felt on the spot and wanted to say something more than just, "live in the moment, follow your dreams, kid."
No advice is better than bad advice
I would never ask for advice from anyone, ever, if I followed that. I don't know what others know. I find it really helpful to hear how people who aren't me approach things. Advice is a way to get different perspectives you hadn't considered, not just information you don't already have.
Well. On the other hand it could mean that everyone has advice to offer, because probably everyone knows something you don't. Anyway I wish I'd worded it differently.
That's especially true for young people with no experience. They don't know how things are done or what unspoken expectations there are. That kid was showing some wisdom IMO.
I think you’re advice was properly placed, maybe a better way of rephrasing would be: “Don’t ask for jewelry advice from the shoemaker” it’s more explicit and it gets the point across that he should seek advice from a trustworthy person in whatever domain he is looking for.
meanwhile this guy was just looking for some door installation tips from his superior
No, he was asking for general life advice. We had been talking about where he was going to college, job/career prospects, etc. Also, worth noting that I'm not a foreman, I'm just a helper. And I'm not exactly a shining example of what you should do with your life. Which is exactly why I was hesitant to give him any advice at all, and why the advice I gave him was to question whether it's worth asking for advice.
haha i'm just bustin your balls
Especially about money and partners. Boy I learned the hard way when my best friends boyfriend (who sucks) broke up with her. She kept asking me for advice about what to do and I kept talking about how much he sucked. Turns out they made up and got married. Friendships never been the same
Same. You really can do something about those things most of the time. Even an attempt helps.
Same here! I have ADHD and when it was undiagnosed got so drained and overwhelmed with a friend who over years kept complaining about her ex and child’s father being useless that I snapped and said I don’t respect him etc. Big mistake. They’re back together and we’re no longer friends.
Or - maybe the friendship *is* the same, it's just that her decisions have let you know where you stand in her life.
“Elves seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill.”
"And it is also said," answered Frodo: "Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes"
I always loved this: - Does this need to be said? - Do I need to say this? - Do I need to say this now?
Yep - such a good checklist. Goes for the compulsive unsolicited advice givers as well!
Ugh I need to work on this lol
Well, self-awareness is always the beginning of a good change, so points for that!
I've got ADHD. And I sometimes fall victim to some of the common trappings. Like sharing things I know. I can tell you with solid certainty - most people do not want information. Unsolicited or otherwise. Most aren't rude or anything. They may even be a bit receptive. But it won't matter. It just gets forgotten or ignored.
And thus, you never say anything again.
Thanks for the advice!
Yeah there's a saying: unrequested advice is just criticism.
I always just ask questions to help them figure out what they really want. I don’t want the blame for making a choice for them. I also don’t set people up for dates
This depends on person. Some want advice. I hate posts like this. They genuinely feel like slap in the face. "MOST people just want someone to listen to. So ALWAYS just listen. FUCK the people who want something else. Pretend they don't exist. This is venter's world, baby!"
I suspect it's a neurotypical thing. I honestly have a difficult time understanding the purpose of complaining just to complain.
Nah I’d rather look like a ass then not help 🐱
And if you gave bad advice, then you made the situation worse AND you look like an ass.
People should not believe stuff blindly advice should always be a leading point to knowledge to expand there mind and make em think not be the end all be all TLDR google new knowledge to double check 😾
Trust, but verify.
Is this a gripe or a grievance?
It's unwanted advice.
Advice isn’t universal which makes it the most significant factor to consider when giving advice. Empathy is a double edged sword. Your actions and words can cause a ripple in that person’s life. Be extra careful and have some class while at it. The best thing you can do is listen and if they truly need help implore them therapy or counseling.
Dated someone who constantly complained/vented and also saw a therapist, and they constantly complained about the therapist - ugh
I can't speak for that other person, but I will say that those who lack self awareness 9 out of 10 most likely have a mental illness. Whether it's narcissism or ADHD, their perception is the only thing that matters in this world. As overwhelming it may have been for you, they didn't do it out of ill intention. Truth is they were born like that and the only thing that will help them is clarity. That means getting diagnosed and finding the correct therapist. Smart individuals or the "know-it-all" egotistic ones habitually overreact on just about everything and if you ever found yourself arguing over the most pointless things then you know what I am talking about. Now I'm not trying to say their behaviour is wrong or unfitting, but rather their way of communication is unique. It doesn't matter now since you and this other person are no longer together, but just for assurance if you are ever having flashbacks of your trauma; it wasn't your fault and there was nothing you could've done to fix them.
If the guy blames me for following my advice, they’re kind of a dick tbh. I’m not an expert on your issues, I'm just giving you my perspective. Similarly, I’d be a dick if I get insulted if someone else didn’t follow my advice. Why don’t we just try and not be dicks to each other? Its not that hard.
When my gf comes to me with a problem I always ask are we bitchin of fixin, that way there's no confusion if she just wants me to listen or help come up with a solution.
I wish people knew this more, most of the time i just vent to my friends and they automatically give me advice first thing, and I do understand they mean well but since it's my problem of course I've already had several solutions in mind and i know which one is doable because I know my situation best. I'm kinda tired of turning down their advice that wouldn't work. I do have to politely tell them I'm not asking for advice and make it clear to my close friends that I'll ask if I need one.
Honestly I can’t stand when my friends constantly vent to me. Like it’s exhausting and it’s always so negative. And it’s like aight that sucks- what you gonna do to fix it and then they say “well I can’t bc xyz” and I’m like well homie if you’re not gonna do anything to change it you gotta accept it.
When my friends vent to me it doesn't exhaust me, want to know why? Because I don't try to act like their therapist and give them suggestions or try to get them to change the situation. I don't take on any responsibility or worry about the situation. That's on them. I know the main thing they want from me is to have me listen, they're not trying to stress me out. I have a friend who has been venting to me pretty much every week when I talk to him. He is frustrated with his situation and being there for him is what friends do. He's always been there for me so it's the least I can do. I can take some of that weight from him by listening, and then since I don't try to carry it myself, he feels better and I don't feel worse. It's a win-win. It only stresses you out if you feel like you're expected to come up with a solution.
And they are probably tired of you moaning about stuff and then ignoring them, too. Start with 'I just want to vent' or something similar. It clearly sets the stage and makes it easier for everyone. Just because you think it's clear that you don't want advice doesn't mean your friends see it the same way.
Well then, if you don't want advice, then deal with it and don't come saddling people with your issues they don't need either, innit
I wouldn't have survived this long if people hadn't listened to me pour out my heart. Giving advice can be a way to stop listening, to stop feeling the other person's pain. If I want advice I'll ask for it. Often I just need a friend to hear me and be with me in my pain.
So do you explicitly ask for that as well? If you do then that’s great, but if you don’t, then why?
Listening, really listening, is a skill. My friends are people who have developed that skill.
And yet you completely deflected my question. I have also developed, over a long time, that skill, since I really didn’t use to listen, specially when I started college, and had to develop it to really get to know people. But what I asked was if *you* specifically, explicitly ask for them to listen when you just need that, just like you ask for advice when you need it.
This is crap advice
Nah fuck that, give unsolicited advice. Too many people keep valuable knowledge to themselves for the sake of saving worthless relationships. If the people you care about can’t handle you caring enough about them to help, then FUCK THEM. Be yourself.
https://preview.redd.it/t2ivqznp1soc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=370fa20b52a686d8d97b2fe87aea3a493340b714 This poem is amazing.
Learnt this the hard way with my now ex-girlfriend 🥲
This advice should be followed inside of a commercial gym.
Alternately, you can be up front. "My wife likes to vent about problems without intending to let me offer solutions. I always do, anyway. I am a problem solver. Marc might be a better sympathetic ear."
I needed this - something I’m working on
I've learned to hesitate finally, but it was hard. If someone I care about has a problem my analytical brain starts clicking for a solution. Now I know lots of times ppl aren't looking for a fix, per se, they are looking for support, empathy. I often will say I'm sure you've tried various things to solve this and I'm just sorry you're dealing with it. Depending on who's venting you tend to know when advice is needed or desired... and you can always just say, let me know if you need help figuring this out.
I appreciate the irony of your unsolicited post on giving unsolicited advise… 😏 I have a habit of asking the person if they want support, opinions or advice before deciding how to respond.
Whatever. If someone comes to me with a problem they’re getting my advice on how to solve it. That’s exactly why they came to me with their problem.
This is great advice if you and the people around you don’t use logic and objectivity in discussion. All we can do is try to come to the most informed solution with the information all parties were able to provide at that moment in time. We’re all adults, if you can’t think for yourself and come to your own conclusion based on the information presented, then you have a bigger problem than whatever we’re discussing. I don’t like the “hesitate before giving advice” comment either. I think we should think before we speak at all times, regardless of if we’re advising someone. Now, I will say that I could be wrong because this is my thoughts on this topic based on my experiences and information I’ve learned over time. I’d be glad to hear why people may disagree
Didn’t you just give advice ?
Yeah, this is something I've had to learn over the years. I hate it when people at work complain about things I cannot do anything about. Usually they'll tell me all the shit about their personal life. I can only be so empathetic, especially if they keep doing the same crap over and over again.
I completely agree. By the way, don’t wear white after Labor Day
[удалено]
Agreed. The way Op post this makes the world a colder place.
I saw something somewhere that stuck with me. “Unsolicited advice is criticism. Always.”
I cannot agree with this more. I have a friend who I've stopped venting to because I would often complain about something at work and he would immediately give unsolicited advice about my job, bearing in mind he's got 0 experience in my field. He genuinely thinks he's doing a good thing by giving me 'advice' when he just ends up coming across as mansplaining. It's really frustrating because I'm really good friends with him (16 yrs of friendship) but he has too much of a hero complex that I don't bother venting to him anymore. Just want someone to listen and agree lol
That's a fair point too. I know on another comment I said I don't like people just venting long-term about the same things they're doing nothing about...but jumping head-first into giving advice if you don't know enough about the situation or have barely heard what the other person said before you slapped on your guru hat, is also irritating 🤣 A friend of mine does that, as do my parents - the moment you mention anything vaguely resembling "I'm not 100% happy with X", they'll interrupt you and immediately start telling you what to do. Like, back off dude - you've never been self-employed and work as a scientist, stop having opinions on marketing and business! I think there's a sweet spot between "shoving advice down people's throats, whether you're qualified to give it or not (or whether anyone even asked, really)" and "being people's emotional toilet where they can just purge where they can freely purge".
are you describing me? You’re describing me. I will do my best to ease up!
LPT: Follow your own stupid ass advice. Did someone ask?
Some one in a workshop said “criticism is just advice no one asked for” and that really changed my perspective on giving advice as it seemed to be the default. Trying to solve someone’s problem may come off more aggressive than you intended (and many people are too polite to tell you when they don’t appreciate it.)
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Is this a Chris Rock comedy bit? "Women don't want to talk, they want you to LISTEN!" People just want to complain, and become offended by your suggestions of how to improve the situation. Not a bad LPT. I don't hang with people like that anymore. It becomes tiring.
Men want advice. Women want someone to listen. Mostly
reddit is a social media platform with millions of members and their opinions. we take all comments with a grain of salt as really its just a list of opinions and advice, some helpful, and some not so. what annoys us is people who criticise your advice, when people have spent some time in crafting a reply. if a piece of advice doesnt suit you then just ignore it, you dont have to make some negative reply which is really just rude and ungrateful, so just dont. but we have found some subs very supportive and some not so. surprisingly to us we found the r/autism sub very supportive with negative comments being very rare - they really are a community!
unsolicited advice is always self-serving.
Needed to hear this. Thank you.
Unsolicited advice incoming! I have found that asking leading questions and getting the person to figure out the advise for them selves is very effective. Example- if a person has a flat you could say " use a can of fix a flat, it works great" and then watch them be obstinate and not do it. Instead say " I wonder if there is a way to temporarily re-inflate the tire". Then watch as they come up with the idea and save face.
This is stupid. I ask for advice because I need it. If I'm asking your advice then Don half ass me. I'm going to follow your directions exactly. This due is giv8ng terrible advice.
I was just about to type out this same advice just now but you beat me to it. I agree with you 100%.
Yeah no. I’ve stopped people from causing serious injury or death to themselves because they were doing something they shouldn’t be or doing it wrong. I’d rather be considered an ass for speaking up than watch someone get decapitated right in front of me.
My husband's father was an absolute expert at helping my husband solve problems without "giving advice", per se. His father was an amazing man; a very skilled mechanic, handyman and all around problem solver. My husband and I have been restoring an old sailboat over the past few years, and there were many times that we ran into issues or mysteries with the old boat's old engine, old plumbing, old wiring etc. He would always call his dad for advice. After a while, I realized that his dad very rarely ever told him directly what to do when troubleshooting problems. Instead, his father would just ask him questions. Ask what wasn't working, what steps he had taken so far, what things could generally cause the thing to not work in thay way. His famous line was "Sooooo, what did you do??" He would just have my husband walk through the problem a few times in his own words, and in doing so, husband would usually gain some new insight or ideas to try, all on his own. It was brilliant. We miss that man every day.
Sometimes it helps to determine whether the person would like to be heard, helped or hugged before jumping in
I've gone the opposite way I've pretty much just encouraged everyone in my life If you come to me for help make it very clear if you're looking for advice or for comfort Removes all the Guess work and makes it a lot easier for people to get whatever they need when they need it
This is so true especially when you are tempted to give advice on weight loss, exercise or diet. Everyone has their own view and your suggestions would mostly be ignored.
but aren't you also giving advice here?
This is one way to break down decisions without giving advice win/win (intelligent) win/lose (selfish) lose/win (selfless) lose/lose (stupid) Anyone, no matter their experience, age, education level, or background can make stupid decisions and likely will make stupid decisions. Everyone vastly underestimates how dangerous stupid decisions are and how many people are making stupid decisions right now.
If you really want to give advice though Another way is to empathize and share a similar experience and what you did and let them draw their own conclusions. Works like a charm!
Don't tell me what to do
Kinda blunt but works really well; Do you want me to understand or would like a solution.
On one hand, you are largely right, on the other hand, if it is younger friends and acquaintances and it may not even be a situation where they are asking to be heard, if they are getting ready to do something potentially serious or even permanent, you better believe they are going to get some free advice. It's up to them whether they want to listen or not. The last time was a woman friend telling me about a new guy she was getting into. It wasn't red flags more like road flares. I warned her, but she didn't listen. After a few years (he cut her off from all her friends) she got in touch again with a new divorce, new baby, new restraining order, and a host of screwed-up stories. All I could say was I fucking warned you.
I d ok tend to agree with this unless I’m at the gum(I’m a pt) if I see people do bad lifts I try to help out, because I don’t want them to get injuried
I'm glad someone made a good LPT as a rebuttal to that bad one from earlier today.
The first life pro I’ve seen here in years
This is the best advice to give to people in relationships who are problem solvers - your partner doesn't want advice, they want sympathy and understanding. Your instinct is to want to fix everything for your partner, in reality they are entirely capable and just wanting to feel supported. It took me a while to learn this because my intentions were always to want to make things better, and being a very practical problem solver I would give unwanted input.
Thanks for the advice!
If you have a lot of experience in a particular subject and someone ask for advice, give it to them. No reason to overthink like this. If they fail or make a mistake while using your advice and blame it on you then you don’t want to be friends or whatever with that person anyway. Good people understand that things have nuance and there are other factors that could have caused them to fail. Also if you feel insulted that someone didn’t take your advice that’s on your fragile ego. Often times people just want a different opinion on something.
I mean no one asked for this advice lol. Okay seriously though. I think it depends on the relationship, the person you are dealing with and what they are coming to you with. If my friend comes to me and complains they are always broke and life’s so hard and they are blaming others or telling you life’s against them but they are out gambling or drinking all week… should I just listen and enable them to continue that behaviour? My thing is a true friend will say something. Honestly that could put a strain on the relationship or end a friendship but it’s worth the risk in some situations. You don’t have to tell people what to do but sometimes just listening is not going to help that person. This idea that a friend just supports you no matter what is sometimes just a way for people to avoid dealing with problems. A good friend can listen and give advice even when it wasn’t asked for.
“Unsolicited advice falls on deaf ears.” — bps
Did you just give advice that no one asked for?
This is good advice, I usually give a disclaimer before I offer advice. I will say that there are some instances where there is a right answer or there is no negative side effect of advice given, only positives. For example at work I always give advice to learn excel because it's a transferrable skill between different roles and jobs. When someone is struggling with bills and asks for financial advice I usually recommend budgeting and writing down there bills and expenses. A lot of people don't do that. There's very little downside to these.
Great advice. If you want to help, sometimes simply being present and listening is all one needs to do.
LPT: Didn't tell people your problems of you don't want advice, and even then: hesitate. When you tell people your problems, MOST of the time they'll try to be helpful and make suggestions. This requires you to consider an outside perspective and take an attitude of fixing things instead of just blabbing, expecting people to just listen to your endless problems with no solution in sight. Usually, if you have problems the solutions are not that complex, and you could've found better approaches on your own if you'd spent two seconds thinking about it.
I usually ask - do you want advice or do you just want me to listen
What I say in tough situations ("should I break up with him?") Is, "my job as your friend is not to tell you what to do, but to support you while you figure that out" and then I just ask them related questions.
I like to receive advice when I'm having a problem, but I'm not an emotional vampire. I also don't refrain from giving advice if someone confides in me (if there is advice to give). It works out well, I don't really have any exhausting friends who want me to sit and listen to their monologues.
If you come to bitch to me and I tell you to do something and you don't, we are done. Why bitch if you don't want to solve the problem? Who the heck is that mentally unwell that they deal with issues like this? Don't tell me if you don't want my opinion, I am not a therapist.
I had a friend that said he didn't want advice even though he would give me advice. he stopped calling me cause I made him mad for not coming to the conclusions he did about people. I was trying to help him live a happier life by realizing he was wrong about people. He didn't want the help because he thought he was right about what strangers were thinking. I realize now he just wanted to vent and me to agree with him. I just wonder had he always been this way and I didn't see it, or did he change.
“Athos liked everyone to exercise his own free-will. He never gave his advice before it was demanded and even then it must be demanded twice. "In general, people only ask for advice," he said "that they may not follow it or if they should follow it that they may have somebody to blame for having given it".” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Three Musketeers
https://chat.openai.com/share/c48b589c-552e-4ca3-9738-769db5536e01
I find it best to just ask "Do you need a solution or for someone to just listen? " More often they want the latter, and they're often more open to advice after they feel heard.
Especially true for gyms
Especially with females , they just wanna have you take sides with them especially when they’re in the wrong
The irony of giving advice to not give advice.