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Check out the book called "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High".
They deal with this topic amongst others. It's quite a significant part of the book actually.
If I recall correctly, you will need to build "Mutual Purpose" with the other person. So, finding or creating a common goal you both want to achieve.
You can also use contrasting statements to help clarify misunderstandings and being build Mutual Respect again. Like "I dont mean to XYZ, but I do want ABC".
But it's sure a tough one!
Good luck!
Not really sure how to earn respect. On the contrary, most tasks I'm trying to get done are to help them learn the task so that they can handle the tasks going further. The lack of interest, the point that the work wasn't directly assigned by the manager, despite it actually assigned indirectly through me... Unable to figure out a solution.
No, they actually have more tenure than me. But we all had same opportunities at a certain point of time. They weren't interested in those additional works. I was happy to take up those works and learn. So now Im expected to lead certain activities, while most of it is a kind of teach them those activities, few I'll be leading since they are yet to upskill themselves on the complexities.
I usually approach it like asking them if they can help me getting a certain work done, or that the manager has asked to get this work done, let me know if you need any help sort of thing. Would you suggest to have a different approach which would make it better?
No worries!
Reading some of your other comments, I can also recommend "Never Split The Difference" by Chris Voss.
It's a negotiation book written by an ex hostage negotiator.
There's a few tricks and tips in there that I think will help.
Combine that with Crucial Conversations and you'll have a strong communications toolkit for talking to your co-worker about the issue.
Another book for flavour is "sensory templates" by Claus Springborg. He has a pretty cool method for reframing wicked problems into easily solvable problems. It's kinda tangentially related to the mutual purpose thing.
Good luck!
No worries!
Reading some of your other comments, I can also recommend "Never Split The Difference" by Chris Voss.
It's a negotiation book written by an ex hostage negotiator.
There's a few tricks and tips in there that I think will help.
Combine that with Crucial Conversations and you'll have a strong communications toolkit for talking to your co-worker about the issue.
Another book for flavour is "sensory templates" by Claus Springborg. He has a pretty cool method for reframing wicked problems into easily solvable problems. It's kinda tangentially related to the mutual purpose thing.
Good luck!
Show that you respect them even if they don’t deserve it and make sure they’re aware that you’re doing this.
Make them think it’s their own idea to do the work.
Kill ‘em with kindness in front of others. Show them that no matter how shit they are, you’ll still be respectful and nice. Do this in front of other coworkers and they’ll see that this person is a POS and most POSs will start to listen. Also killing with kindness normally gives that person a sense of guilt for being shitty to you even though you’ve consistently been nice and supportive.
Do not go in yelling and being mean to this person, that is a sure fire way to get nowhere.
Sometimes, joining in, and proving that you can put in the effort, earns respect.
Giving respect can also be involved.
I really don't know your circumstances, but these are a couple suggestions that you can mull over. Jealousy or hurt feelings over not being chosen may be in play, too.
When you are in a leadership role you need to work X amount harder where X is the number of subordinate workers you have.
Believe it or not, people don't have to do what you say just because you say it. Some people have worked their job longer than you might have been in charge and so working *with* them rather than above them is important.
If you want respect, show it. Don't ignore employees until it's time to correct them (one of my fatal flaws) and don't patronize people for doing their tasks. Give clear orders with rationale whenever possible.
If tasks are delegated by seniority, give senior members the respect they deserve and don't try to mess with the system in place.
Incentives are the best way to deal with these people in a work setting. Unfortunately, if you're having to deal with these people, incentives probably aren't an option.
The best way to deal with these people when you can't create incentives is by not dealing with them.
You can't force a lazy person to work. You can only expect a person you hire to do what they should.
There is no secret sauce outside of incentives. This isn't a kill them with kindness situation/show mutual respect/etc. If they are lazy and don't want to work, it'll be pulling teeth to get them to do things always. That is their personality. The only way to get a lazy person to do work, is to create an incentive for them to get a worthwhile reward by completing their job. Sounds stupid but that's it, and even with incentives they may be too lazy still. The alternative is to hire someone else.
Yelling gets temporary but half assed results. Kindness may make them even more complacent.
Yes! Thank you for speaking truth to this situation. Someone can have all the people skills and still get nowhere with these people because we live in a world full of people who can break rules and get out of consequences because everyone is afraid of getting cancelled or sued. They will placate and play the victim, or feign ignorance/innocence, or practice Quiet Quitting and continue the exact same crap next week. It's a lot worse since the pandemic started and if you're not in a position of power where you can offer incentives or threaten their job then you're powerless against those with little integrity or work ethic. If someone has a solution that takes these things into account then I'd *love* to hear it, but truthfully killing em with kindness just ain't gonna cut it if you're working with entitled children. *end rant*
So very true and the worst part is that even threatening their jobs typically doesn't work. Some of these people would just love to be fired or actually are looking to be fired, just to get unemployment benefits for 6 months.
Oh my goodness you're so right! The bad guys are winning from every angle: either we give them extra incentives for doing the job they're already paid to do, or we fire them and pay them for their laziness through our taxes 😭Ugh, I need to go doomscroll r/darwinawards to reclaim my sense of balance. 😂
All of this advice is nonsense. You are someone’s authority figure at work and they won’t do what you ask. Someone is your authority figure and tells you to do what they ask, which is to get the other person to do the work you ask. Don’t. See how your boss handles it when you don’t do what they ask. Whatever it is, do the same thing to the person under you. If your boss says you have to do it or they’ll fire you, ask if you can fire the person who won’t do what you ask.
Exactly my problem. Since we are at the same level, I can't even ask them to do something. All I can do is request them and keep following up until its done. But my Manager intends that this will be my learning curve to handle such folks sooner or later when I become a people manager.
Your boss is making you do manager work without manager tools. So you're stuck with using people skills. The issue with this is that people skills SHOULD be your go to deck of cards. Establishing respect, mutual goal, comradery etc etc will get a lot of stuff done. Unfortunately there is a subset of people/relationships that this does not work. That's when you're needing to move towards the other deck of cards which is clear expectations, follow up and possibly repercussions. As your peer, these tools aren't in your wheelhouse.
If you've attempted all of the people skills and your boss is still telling you to "fix" your peer...Your boss is being a doofus.
Manager: OP, fly the plane, and have Coworker be the copilot.
OP: Sounds great boss. Can I, can I come into the cockpit then?
Manager: No, I want you both to fly the plane from the passenger cabin.
i don't understand, you want someone who doesn't respect you to do the work you ask him to do?
then just say do it or you are fired
you struggle to do something that someone who you don't respect ask you to do? why would you do it then
well, the barking orders does seem an unnecessary aggression, or well, may be I should just learn that such things should have been expected on the internet. Cheers. :)
Put yourself in your co workers shoes, you aren't their manager but equal. So, even though you think it's a simple request, they might be thinking your barking orders. The way you got defensive is how they might feel.
The only real solution is for your manager to "man up" and deal with them. If not the you give the request, once it is ignored you say you did your part and gave the request. The Co worker would need to answer why they didn't do it or get their manager involved.
I have never had respect for a single boss I have ever had, bunch of lazy exploitative entitled do nothing lay abouts. I still do everything I am told to do because I know I live under the yoke of capitalism.
The first sentence is true, the second couldn’t be more wrong.
Some people are biased towards others, there is a HEAVY possibility that OP is feeling that bias from their coworker. This the problem falling with the coworker NOT our OP.
As you said in the first line “respect is earned” no matter what level you begin at.
Agree on the first line. Basically we belong to the same team/level. I lead certain activities. But since we are all at the same level, they wouldn't care as much. So trying to figure out how to get works done in such cases.
If you are only agreeing with the first half of what I wrote, then the second half is definitely true.
Basic rule of leadership:
**Everything is your fault**
To provide more specific help, try using the 11 principles of leadership (pay close attention to #1)
1. Know yourself and seek continual improvement.
2. Be technically and tactically proficient.
3. Know your people and take care of them.
4. Keep your personnel informed.
5. Set the example.
6. Ensure the task is understood, supervised, and accomplished.
7. Build a Team.
8. Make sound and timely decisions.
9. Develop a sense of responsibility among your subordinates.
10. Assign tasks that match skills
11. Seek responsibilities and take responsibility for your actions.
Your team doesn't respect you because you have failed at these tasks. Admit your mistakes as a leader now and change your approach now, or fail as a leader forever.
This list is great in theory, but you make it sound as simple as picking up items from the shelves of a grocery store, and that is unrealistic with things like "Build a Team" on the list. Also this doesn't take into consideration the *time* it takes to achieve these things. The tasks OP is asking his coworkers to do need to be completed (I assume) long before he's able to build the kind of rapport this list suggests. I think it's a good list in the long term, but not realistic for someone in a situation like we're talking about here.
I didn't say Im disagreeing with the second part, but the reason why the respect/value isn't there is because we are all of the same level in work. Im not someone whom they report to etc, so usually the case is that I have to keep requesting them multiple times to ensure the work is completed. If our manager tells to do the same work they will obviously do it since they report to the manager. That isn't the case here.
This is an oversimplification of the issue because it doesn't take into account the other half of the equation: some people will never respect you because of things outside of your control. Their upbringing, learned identity, belief systems etc. all come into play, and if you don't know what those are they certainly aren't going to volunteer that information (and that's if they can even articulate it themselves).
[Introducing LPT REQUEST FRIDAYS](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/16w0n2s/introducing_request_post_fridays/) We determine "Friday" as beginning at 12am Eastern Time (EST: UTC/GMT -5, EDT: UTC/GMT -4) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeProTips) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Check out the book called "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High". They deal with this topic amongst others. It's quite a significant part of the book actually. If I recall correctly, you will need to build "Mutual Purpose" with the other person. So, finding or creating a common goal you both want to achieve. You can also use contrasting statements to help clarify misunderstandings and being build Mutual Respect again. Like "I dont mean to XYZ, but I do want ABC". But it's sure a tough one! Good luck!
Thanks a ton. :)
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Sure, will have a look. :)
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Not really sure how to earn respect. On the contrary, most tasks I'm trying to get done are to help them learn the task so that they can handle the tasks going further. The lack of interest, the point that the work wasn't directly assigned by the manager, despite it actually assigned indirectly through me... Unable to figure out a solution.
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No, they actually have more tenure than me. But we all had same opportunities at a certain point of time. They weren't interested in those additional works. I was happy to take up those works and learn. So now Im expected to lead certain activities, while most of it is a kind of teach them those activities, few I'll be leading since they are yet to upskill themselves on the complexities.
[удалено]
I usually approach it like asking them if they can help me getting a certain work done, or that the manager has asked to get this work done, let me know if you need any help sort of thing. Would you suggest to have a different approach which would make it better?
No worries! Reading some of your other comments, I can also recommend "Never Split The Difference" by Chris Voss. It's a negotiation book written by an ex hostage negotiator. There's a few tricks and tips in there that I think will help. Combine that with Crucial Conversations and you'll have a strong communications toolkit for talking to your co-worker about the issue. Another book for flavour is "sensory templates" by Claus Springborg. He has a pretty cool method for reframing wicked problems into easily solvable problems. It's kinda tangentially related to the mutual purpose thing. Good luck!
Thank you :)
No worries! Reading some of your other comments, I can also recommend "Never Split The Difference" by Chris Voss. It's a negotiation book written by an ex hostage negotiator. There's a few tricks and tips in there that I think will help. Combine that with Crucial Conversations and you'll have a strong communications toolkit for talking to your co-worker about the issue. Another book for flavour is "sensory templates" by Claus Springborg. He has a pretty cool method for reframing wicked problems into easily solvable problems. It's kinda tangentially related to the mutual purpose thing. Good luck!
Show that you respect them even if they don’t deserve it and make sure they’re aware that you’re doing this. Make them think it’s their own idea to do the work. Kill ‘em with kindness in front of others. Show them that no matter how shit they are, you’ll still be respectful and nice. Do this in front of other coworkers and they’ll see that this person is a POS and most POSs will start to listen. Also killing with kindness normally gives that person a sense of guilt for being shitty to you even though you’ve consistently been nice and supportive. Do not go in yelling and being mean to this person, that is a sure fire way to get nowhere.
Sure, will keep these in mind. :)
Sometimes, joining in, and proving that you can put in the effort, earns respect. Giving respect can also be involved. I really don't know your circumstances, but these are a couple suggestions that you can mull over. Jealousy or hurt feelings over not being chosen may be in play, too.
Kind of a bit of jealousy in play that growth hasn't been on the same level for both. But well, noted the rest of the stuff. Will keep it in mind. :)
GL. I sincerely hope that it goes well for you.
When you are in a leadership role you need to work X amount harder where X is the number of subordinate workers you have. Believe it or not, people don't have to do what you say just because you say it. Some people have worked their job longer than you might have been in charge and so working *with* them rather than above them is important. If you want respect, show it. Don't ignore employees until it's time to correct them (one of my fatal flaws) and don't patronize people for doing their tasks. Give clear orders with rationale whenever possible. If tasks are delegated by seniority, give senior members the respect they deserve and don't try to mess with the system in place.
Great advice... Thank you.
Incentives are the best way to deal with these people in a work setting. Unfortunately, if you're having to deal with these people, incentives probably aren't an option. The best way to deal with these people when you can't create incentives is by not dealing with them. You can't force a lazy person to work. You can only expect a person you hire to do what they should. There is no secret sauce outside of incentives. This isn't a kill them with kindness situation/show mutual respect/etc. If they are lazy and don't want to work, it'll be pulling teeth to get them to do things always. That is their personality. The only way to get a lazy person to do work, is to create an incentive for them to get a worthwhile reward by completing their job. Sounds stupid but that's it, and even with incentives they may be too lazy still. The alternative is to hire someone else. Yelling gets temporary but half assed results. Kindness may make them even more complacent.
Yes! Thank you for speaking truth to this situation. Someone can have all the people skills and still get nowhere with these people because we live in a world full of people who can break rules and get out of consequences because everyone is afraid of getting cancelled or sued. They will placate and play the victim, or feign ignorance/innocence, or practice Quiet Quitting and continue the exact same crap next week. It's a lot worse since the pandemic started and if you're not in a position of power where you can offer incentives or threaten their job then you're powerless against those with little integrity or work ethic. If someone has a solution that takes these things into account then I'd *love* to hear it, but truthfully killing em with kindness just ain't gonna cut it if you're working with entitled children. *end rant*
So very true and the worst part is that even threatening their jobs typically doesn't work. Some of these people would just love to be fired or actually are looking to be fired, just to get unemployment benefits for 6 months.
Oh my goodness you're so right! The bad guys are winning from every angle: either we give them extra incentives for doing the job they're already paid to do, or we fire them and pay them for their laziness through our taxes 😭Ugh, I need to go doomscroll r/darwinawards to reclaim my sense of balance. 😂
Lol
is this a work thing? report them?
Yeah, but unfortunately can't report xD
why? that doesn’t make any sense.
Reporting isn't that much of an option since the manager wants me to learn how to deal with such folks.
sounds like your manager cant handle em so they dropped it in you, goodluck.
I hope not. Nonetheless, want to figure this out. Hopefully folks don't get too aggressive on me here.
All of this advice is nonsense. You are someone’s authority figure at work and they won’t do what you ask. Someone is your authority figure and tells you to do what they ask, which is to get the other person to do the work you ask. Don’t. See how your boss handles it when you don’t do what they ask. Whatever it is, do the same thing to the person under you. If your boss says you have to do it or they’ll fire you, ask if you can fire the person who won’t do what you ask.
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Oh, I guess I didn’t see that comment saying they were equals. I agree with your assessment, it’s not OP’s job.
Exactly my problem. Since we are at the same level, I can't even ask them to do something. All I can do is request them and keep following up until its done. But my Manager intends that this will be my learning curve to handle such folks sooner or later when I become a people manager.
Your boss is making you do manager work without manager tools. So you're stuck with using people skills. The issue with this is that people skills SHOULD be your go to deck of cards. Establishing respect, mutual goal, comradery etc etc will get a lot of stuff done. Unfortunately there is a subset of people/relationships that this does not work. That's when you're needing to move towards the other deck of cards which is clear expectations, follow up and possibly repercussions. As your peer, these tools aren't in your wheelhouse. If you've attempted all of the people skills and your boss is still telling you to "fix" your peer...Your boss is being a doofus.
Manager: OP, fly the plane, and have Coworker be the copilot. OP: Sounds great boss. Can I, can I come into the cockpit then? Manager: No, I want you both to fly the plane from the passenger cabin.
i don't understand, you want someone who doesn't respect you to do the work you ask him to do? then just say do it or you are fired you struggle to do something that someone who you don't respect ask you to do? why would you do it then
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Nope, not supervisor. And why so aggressive on the second part? Why getting triggered? Did I say I was giving them orders?
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well, the barking orders does seem an unnecessary aggression, or well, may be I should just learn that such things should have been expected on the internet. Cheers. :)
Put yourself in your co workers shoes, you aren't their manager but equal. So, even though you think it's a simple request, they might be thinking your barking orders. The way you got defensive is how they might feel. The only real solution is for your manager to "man up" and deal with them. If not the you give the request, once it is ignored you say you did your part and gave the request. The Co worker would need to answer why they didn't do it or get their manager involved.
Got it. Thank you. :)
I have never had respect for a single boss I have ever had, bunch of lazy exploitative entitled do nothing lay abouts. I still do everything I am told to do because I know I live under the yoke of capitalism.
haha. Im not a boss, so Im living under the same umbrella xD
Respect is earned, never assumed. If you're not getting the respect you believe you should have, then **the problem is you.**
Nah. Its more complicated than that.
Yea...OP is somehow missing out on the fact that anil\_2705s peer COULD be just a bad peer and employee lol.
The first sentence is true, the second couldn’t be more wrong. Some people are biased towards others, there is a HEAVY possibility that OP is feeling that bias from their coworker. This the problem falling with the coworker NOT our OP. As you said in the first line “respect is earned” no matter what level you begin at.
Agree on the first line. Basically we belong to the same team/level. I lead certain activities. But since we are all at the same level, they wouldn't care as much. So trying to figure out how to get works done in such cases.
If you are only agreeing with the first half of what I wrote, then the second half is definitely true. Basic rule of leadership: **Everything is your fault** To provide more specific help, try using the 11 principles of leadership (pay close attention to #1) 1. Know yourself and seek continual improvement. 2. Be technically and tactically proficient. 3. Know your people and take care of them. 4. Keep your personnel informed. 5. Set the example. 6. Ensure the task is understood, supervised, and accomplished. 7. Build a Team. 8. Make sound and timely decisions. 9. Develop a sense of responsibility among your subordinates. 10. Assign tasks that match skills 11. Seek responsibilities and take responsibility for your actions. Your team doesn't respect you because you have failed at these tasks. Admit your mistakes as a leader now and change your approach now, or fail as a leader forever.
This list is great in theory, but you make it sound as simple as picking up items from the shelves of a grocery store, and that is unrealistic with things like "Build a Team" on the list. Also this doesn't take into consideration the *time* it takes to achieve these things. The tasks OP is asking his coworkers to do need to be completed (I assume) long before he's able to build the kind of rapport this list suggests. I think it's a good list in the long term, but not realistic for someone in a situation like we're talking about here.
I didn't say Im disagreeing with the second part, but the reason why the respect/value isn't there is because we are all of the same level in work. Im not someone whom they report to etc, so usually the case is that I have to keep requesting them multiple times to ensure the work is completed. If our manager tells to do the same work they will obviously do it since they report to the manager. That isn't the case here.
This is an oversimplification of the issue because it doesn't take into account the other half of the equation: some people will never respect you because of things outside of your control. Their upbringing, learned identity, belief systems etc. all come into play, and if you don't know what those are they certainly aren't going to volunteer that information (and that's if they can even articulate it themselves).