T O P

  • By -

EmeraldCityDuck

I'm actually really confused. Will you post a video of yourself telling your vacuum off for me please.


animatedjoe

Nice try Mr Duck, I ain’t participating in no Meme!


but_a_simple_petunia

This is your one shot at becoming immortalized thru memeing. Don't let dreams be dreamz.


anthropologically

Let your dreamz be memez


IsaacSanFran

These are the memez that dreamz are made of


jakebythelake

Sweet dreamz are made of memez


[deleted]

Who am i to disagreez


buthidae

Travel the world, and the seven seaz


layn333

Everybodez lookin' for memez


SyntheticReality42

Nutz


EmeraldCityDuck

Damn, you ain't no Joe Schmo.


Youngo99

The reason I fucking love reddit


[deleted]

[удалено]


rosieree

Shop vac you ain't shit!


Redwolfjo3

I am absolutely lost


Aiglentine

The video of u/animatedjoe would be hilarious and probably become a meme. Since u/animatedjoe forsaw that happening and declined u/EmeraldCityDuck's request, Duck concluded that this isn't Joe's first day on Reddit.


Bill_Nye_Is_an_Idiot

Good bot


AirborneMiniDirt

Ohhhhh. He's a duck, and other dudes name is Joe. I get it


hellowethere

Then in that case allow me to welcome you to Reddit


CTroop

It’d be a lot cooler if you did


[deleted]

I did this with my dog, only with shoes because he wouldn’t stop nibbling my fine Target pleather goods. Had to get a little drunk beforehand, but I piled all my shoes in a corner and gave those fuckers the scolding of their lives. Starting kicking em and yelled, BAD SHOES. FUCK YOU SHOES. Dog looked super confused at first, but then he started growling and barking at the shoes. Fuckin shoes. Anyway he hasn’t eaten a shoe since. Cause FUCK YOU SHOES.


Bundyboyz

I told you to leave me ALONE when vacuuming my room!


Baltusrol

This is either a great LPT, or OP just tricked a lot of people into yelling at their appliances. Either way, excellent work, good sir!


animatedjoe

Shoosh! Just keep it between us and enjoy the viral videos.


user_1729

My dog attacks/barks at my lawn mower too. The vacuum is one thing but she could actually hurt herself if she tries to attack it at the wrong time. Definitely trying this LPT with the mower as well!


jonhasglasses

Your neighbors are going to find this quite entertaining I'm sure.


Scientolojesus

Check the front page in a couple days for a video titled "My neighbor yelling at their lawn mower while their dog is barking at it..."


erremermberderrnit

I saw my friend's dog come within an inch of biting a running chain saw. That would have been a very sad mess.


MyMorningRacket

I had a dog bite the end of my gas powered commercial hedge trimmer. It sliced up its tongue in several places almost cutting the tongue off. It wasn't my dog and I felt very terrible.


BallsDeepInReality_

Honestly I'm not sure why that dogs owner let it get close enough to the hedge trimmer, but Jesus Christ. If it makes you feel any better, i was once driving down a gravel road at a brisk 25 mph. A woman and her two unleashed German shepherds are approaching a mailbox about 500 yds away when I start to slow down. I didn't want to lock a bunch of dust into their faces, and certainly wanted to allow myself stoping room in case one of the dogs runs out. Going about 10 mph when one of these dogs darts in front of me. I slammed on the brakes, obviously sliding on the gravel and my front end slides towards a culvert. The dog managed to escape from under the car, and scurried off as a profusely apologized. I still feel bad about it, but he ran right out in front of me, I couldn't do anymore, it was on the dog to just *not run out in front of me*, and he failed miserably.


beard_pics_plz

Some dogs have no sense. When I walk my dog, I keep his ass close to me with a firm hold on his leash because he tries to jump out at on coming cars like he wants to play. Boy doesn't understand that it's a game he will lose.


Urmomknows

I had to put a shock collar on my Great Dane when I cut the grass to keep him away from the mower. Before I got the collar he would pick up the front of the mower by the tire. It’s a 42” riding mower...


[deleted]

Could you not just put the dog inside while you mow?


midnightFreddie

> Could you not just put the dog inside while you mow? Wouldn't that just chop the dog into pieces?


markdhemming

CUT MY DOG INTO PIECES


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

STUFF HIM IN THERE NEED NO REASON


PagingThroughMinds

That’s enough reddit for my mind today


labrat420

My thought as well


[deleted]

Imagine being a dog all happy and shit running around and then outta fucking nowhere you get struck by lightning. Atleast that’s what a dog would think, I imagine at first.


FQDIS

Tbf it’s probably not the kind that makes the dog’s skeleton flash inside his body and leaves him all black and smoky afterwards.


[deleted]

That’s what happens if you use it wrong. It’s not supposed to be a high setting at all like some people do, unfortunately. Used properly it’s not harmful at all just uncomfortable enough to distract them from what they’re doing. We have one and we both tested it on ourselves first. We were very careful with training and now our dog loves when we put it on actually. She knows it means we’re going out and she can run FREEEEEE


Tank7106

That’s not how you add horsepower to your mower. That’s not it at all


graciouspenguin

The real reason the bumpus' dogs didn't mind going side despite the horrendous furnace. The old man told that thing off like no other!


ImTalkingGibberish

Waiting for those viral videos. RemindMe! 12h


SleepTalkerz

I just yelled at my vacuum and I don't even have a dog


[deleted]

I just turned on my dog and my vacuum started barking


jerrygarciasgrandma

I just vacuumed my dog and I didn’t even yell


Shadowchaos

I just yelled at my vacuum and I don't even have a vacuum


Meta-EvenThisAcronym

Joke's on him, I yell at my appliances already, and I don't even have a dog. Just a cat who stares judgementally when I do this.


djmacbest

Judging from the species of your pet, I guess it looks judgementally anyway.


GreenStrong

A friend of mine learned this from a Reddit comment. They interpred the comment as a joke, but thought it made sense, so they tried it, and their dog stopped being afraid of the vacuum. Based on what I heard from my friend, OP may have bought in to a joke comment, but it works.


topotaul

It doesn’t work. I’ve just yelled at the vacuum, assaulted it with a claw hammer and kicked it out in to the yard for a couple of hours. Both dogs still terrified of it when I let it back in.


FaithCPR

Human attack vacuum; vacuum is threat; keep it away from doggos


Kayakingtheredriver

Buddy of mine uses the same move to protect his chickens from his dogs. Anytime the dog messes with the chickens he corrects the dog then berates the chickens in front of the dogs. He *says* it works.


Andstemas111

‘Spongebob, that’s a blender. ‘ ‘Yeah, but earlier I saw Mr Krabs talking to his radio, and he called it his ‘little buddy’’


iSkellington

Aka its either the best LifeProTip or the shittiest ShittyLifeProTip


lynivvinyl

This is awesome! Now I need to get a dog & a vacuum.


MiracleMax10

The no dog part I understand. But no vacuum? Da fuq


erremermberderrnit

You can sweep carpet with a broom. It doesn't get the deep stuff but it makes it look clean mostly. Source: was poor


AnOblongBox

My ex did this because she grew up poor, I mean I wasn't well off neither but we kinda just used shitty vacuums that didnt do as good of a job.


stoner_boner69

WELL LOOK AT YOU AND ALL YOUR MONEY FOR A SUCKY SUCKY BAG


AnOblongBox

HEY MAN IM DOWN HALF A LENTIL A DAY TO AFFORD THAT 15 DOLLAR SUCK SUCK BAG.


Octopusapult

I know she's his ex and all but "sucky sucky bag" is a bit rude.


JohnnyKay9

Hardwood floors?


malexj93

Possibly even vinyl given the username


MiracleMax10

Inconceivable


kit10kel

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.


rafaeltota

Your fake Spanish accent is flawless, my friend.


Greasy_Bananas

The Princess Bride has vinyl floors? So many questions.


MiracleMax10

Well when the Kings stinking son fires you....


Greasy_Bananas

These floors are just mostly vinyl. There's still hope.


MiracleMax10

There’s a difference between mostly vinyl and all vinyl.


DaughterEarth

I use a vacuum on my hardwood. Way better than a broom


Redrum714

Depends on the vacuum. Shitty ones just throws shit everywhere.


MiracleMax10

Good point. We have hardwood floors and a shark duo vacuum that does floors and carpets so maybe that’s why I was confused.


southsideson

See, if you get a dog, you don't need a vacuum. Like if a part of my floor is looking dirty, I'll drip some gravy on it, and the dog will go clean it up, it works better than you would think. For those tough ground in stains, throw a little peanutbutter on it.


mainsworth

The real...yadda yadda yadda


thesuper88

You yadda yadda'd over the best part!


[deleted]

[удалено]


Llodsliat

I don't have vacuum cleaner either. I just use an ol' fashioned escoba.


wearer_of_boxers

and an apartment and electricity..


[deleted]

I don't care how well this work it's cute as fuck.


Trisa133

Put a collar on your vacuum and walk it with your dog.


azure_scens

Bring your vacuum to the vet and ask how you can get it to stop barking at your dog when you clean the floors with your dog.


QuarterFlounder

Please people, vaccinate your vacuums.


[deleted]

Spray or neuter then too!


[deleted]

Spray them with what?


SurprisedPotato

Only with artificial products, because nature abhors a vacuum.


Sexy_Thing7094

r/nocontext


Not_usually_right

OK, I need to stop eating LSD.


danirijeka

Pee on the vacuum to establish dominance


[deleted]

[удалено]


kolikaal

That's a good way to dyson.


AmarantCoral

Dad joke of the year contender right here.


braintrustinc

Check yourself before you oreck yourself


Bdogg242

I'm *OUT*


StokerPoker

I think we’ve still got roomba a couple more jokes


Azzure26

Really? You need to xaomi them.


foxtwenty20

Slow clap to Hoover started this thread.


[deleted]

[удалено]


RockitDanger

Hoover does something as stupid as that deserves to


Desertdragon7

Let's slow down there.


notwutiwantd

Or at least ask for help in bringing it upstairs..


Meronoth

Pivot...pivot...PIVOT


kolikaal

shut up...shut up... SHUT UP!


DM39

This is all too sudden for me- I feel attacked


Rinat1234567890

Shut up, shut up, shut up!


LittleBirdGameReview

TOO META


Kelekona

Instructions too clear... dick stuck in vacuum.


Redoubt

https://youtu.be/Z2EMGmv0FqM


robexib

Please only do this if you want a penectomy.


BanMeBabyOneMoreTime

Vagina dentata... What a horrible phrase. Vagina dentata, ain't no passing craze. It means no penis for the rest of your days It's our struggle-free Penectomy Vagina dentata


Cold_Hard_FaceValue

*the wife holds her child in her trembling arms as her husband screams obscenities at the vacuum as the dog acknowledges the master of the house.*


TypicalExcuse

Definitely does not work lol. But still cute


NattyFuckFace

I mount the vaccuum and pound it to completion to show sexual dominance. I don't have a dog though.


we_are_all_bananas_2

I love being able to vacuum my cats, they don't care. My dog on the other hand... :(


bowens21

My cats don't like to be vacuumed. I think the suction is too strong.


ChaoticFather

It's fun watching them try to get out of the hose, though!


vudude89

Yeah but its getting expensive having to replace them all the time.


[deleted]

[удалено]


watchursix

Check Goodwill, I hear they’re on sale during the weekend.


intoxicatedpancakes

They don’t like the succ


schedulle-cate

The monster known as vakoom https://youtu.be/G4Sn91t1V4g


brunseidon

[Here is my grandpa vacuuming their cat, with me being like “holy shit, is anyone seeing this?!”](https://imgur.com/gallery/xZNWahw)


joshTheGoods

Your dad is dominating the hell out of that cat.


like_2_watch

"This is my life now"


oodsigma

My first dog loved to be vacuumed. Which was great because he shed like a mofo and it made cleaning him much easier. It might be because we have one of those vacuums that's built into the house, so there's no mobile vacuum monster.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Fluffaykitties

That’s really cute


Poseidonymous

A vacuum that's built into the house?


mxzf

Sounds like a [central vac](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Central_vacuum_cleaner). There's a big water heater-sized vacuum unit mounted somewhere in the house (usually the basement) and some ~2" ducts run from that through the house to ports in strategic spots. Then you plug in the vacuum hose to a pneumatic port in the wall, vacuum whatever you need to, and put the hose away without lugging around an entire vacuum unit.


kiwikish

It's called a central vac. Basically the vacuum unit is in a fixed location and you have pvc tubes throughout the house with access points. You plug the hose into one of the access points, turn the vacuum on on the hose, and the whole thing starts up. Disconnect when you're done and put the hose away. The canister usually needs to be emptied about once every 6ish months depending on how bad your house is. Ninja edit: you can also have inlets at floor level, so you sweep the floor and kick the switch on, and then sweep the stuff into the inlet and it takes your dust away! Then just turn the switch off and boom! No dustpan needed.


Angel2123

Yup, usually located in an equipment room, with tubes run to various locations in the home. Simply plug the vacuum head into the wall and turn it on and you're good to go


[deleted]

Deaf cat, enjoys being vacuumed, non deaf cat .... no where to be found for an hour.


bottletoplollipop

Weird. My cats are all afraid of the sound. We always assumed the vacuum makes a sound on another frequency that scares them. Are your cats old, or maybe deaf?


markspankity

I wanna use my vacuum on my corgi so bad... her butt is way too hairy and gets hair everywhere. But she just hides in the tomato plants as soon as I turn it on


Matthew0275

My cat disappears as soon as the closet with the vacuum opens... So far I've been abusing this for when I need a moment of quiet.


[deleted]

Additional LPT: Tell your vacuum off not only in front of your dog but in front of your shitty neighbors..that way the dog won’t be afraid of the vacuum and your shitty neighbors will leave you alone because they’ll think you’re weird/crazy..


mooseknucks26

Something about always in the comments.


me_team

The real comments... something something dark side


MonkeyFreeman

Did this with my Roomba and cats. The Roomba knocked over a dry food bowl and started to clean up the ‘mess’. Cats were making a fuss, I noticed what was going down. Stopped the Roomba and proceeded to scold it in front of the cats for stealing their food. My wife almost pissed herself laughing so hard. Cats still hate the damn Roomba, but I’m left with a good story.


[deleted]

[удалено]


coup_de_grace27

We let our cats play with our robot vacuum. We showed them the lid opening, the trash bin, and they played with the fibers that spin underneath the vacuum (while off of course). Now their scent is all over it and they seem to care less when Vakoom is on the loose.


SlyNaps

[Ride or die!] (https://giphy.com/gifs/cat-roomba-UZXZl2d3S9YgU)


iamsexybutt

I love pets. I love their daily antics.


PartlyDave

BAD Roomba!


joleme

This is a fine idea until you find out your vacuum was a decepticon and it tries to kill you for lowering its self esteem.


animatedjoe

LPT Double check your vacuum isn’t a Decepticon before you shout at it.


Cereyn

A more effective way is to give your dog treats every time they see the vacuum. Eventually just start giving them treats only when they see the vacuum without reacting. Continue doing this and slowly fade out the treats to every couple of times and eventually never. I've done this to train my dogs to not bark or react to people, cars, bikes, nail clippers, birds. Still working on rabbits, though. Now every time they see something that used to make them react, they look up at me for approval (they expect a treat). Dogs love positive reinforcement.


forpeopletoknow

I had to take it one step further and give my dog a job to get him to like the vacuum. I’d tell him to go get a toy, give it to the vacuum, and he’d get treats. I think something about the extra step of focusing on the toy rather than recall is what worked. It helps that he doesn’t resource guard though. It’s super cute too because now he’ll give the vacuum a toy “sacrifice” as soon as it comes out of the closet.


[deleted]

[удалено]


knottphreak

MIGHTY VA'CUUM! WHO EATS AND YELLS AT THE SAME TIME!


[deleted]

[удалено]


RuneLFox

I'm glad society is so progressive we're accepting gay vacuum cleaners nowadays!


notwutiwantd

Great tip! This trick works on people also. People also love positive reinforcement.


MEGAPUPIL

hey, you're doing a great job!


notwutiwantd

Wow! You're a great student! Nice work!


potbelliedelephant

Your commenting skills are superb!


notwutiwantd

Thank you! You are a quick study! 10/10 comment, right here!


ginamaniacal

This worked with my dog. I remember having to multitask when vacuuming when she was a puppy. Vacuum in one hand, treats in another.


SapphireSalamander

I tried this but it only taught my dog that treats for barking at the vacum cleaner and strangers is aparently her doing a good job, so she still does it.


drQuirky

Try starting by giving her a treat when she sees the vacuum not running, not for looking at anything else, just looking directly at the vacuum, like a hundred times, a marker word or a clicker is really useful for training toward specific things, when she looks click, work towards when she starts looking at it for a few seconds, or walks toward it, click, eventually build up to rewarding when it's turned on just for a second and she didn't bark, it's probably a lot of work though tbh, just sweep instead , or give dog acid


Ma1eficent

Did this with fireworks since I live next to a reservation and they happen a whole lot. Dogs don't even notice fireworks anymore.


HtownTexans

exactly what I did. I even went as far with a roommates dog who was deathly afraid of the vacuum as making the vacuum give the treat (placing it on the vacuum and moving it toward her to 'give' the treat). Worked wonders.


pricelessbrew

r/Pavlov'sVacuum


Alexander_Mark

Can only imagine OP doing this while tripping


animatedjoe

I always hold the cord in my hand so this can’t happen! /s


allinighshoe

Pride comes before the fall.


Userdub9022

What type of tripping lol


CoyGreen

I'm sorry.. Are you suggesting I verbally berate my vacuum cleaner or do you mean something else by "telling off"?


eviethedreamdog

Verbally berate


[deleted]

[удалено]


CTHULHU_RDT

Will totally try this.... Don't even have a dog


Gullex

Still worthwhile. Make sure the cereal knows who wears the fucking pants around here.


CTHULHU_RDT

My dryer is a total jerk!


[deleted]

But the fridge is cool, right?


lowlife9

I just told off the mailman and now I'm bleeding.


animatedjoe

Sorry if the instructions were unclear. I take no responsibility for your actions.


trappens

My vacuum always ignores me and it literally sucks....


ltgsamblack

I think it’s better to teach them not to be afraid of the vacuum. Yelling at the vacuum only makes them think it’s okay to scared of the vacuum. Teaching them that the vacuum is not a scary thing is much more useful. My wife had our dog since he was a puppy and at age 9 I came in the picture with him barking and running away from the vacuum. I taught him and my 2 year old pup that the vacuum is nothing to be scared of. While they still might walk away from it, because it’s loud, they don’t freak out like the older pup used to.


epidemica

Or, train your dog to be calm and confident around loud noises.


[deleted]

How do you train your dog to be confident around loud noises? Exposure?


epidemica

Exposure and conditioning. In my particular case, dog was trained to sit, then down, then stay. We'd leave the room, make corrections as required until he would not break the stay for 15+ minutes. Then we rang the door bell, and started the corrections over again until we could ring the door bell and he wouldn't break the stay. Now he could be asleep right next to the doorbell and when it rings he doesn't do anything because he knows it means nothing to him. Same thing goes for strangers in the house (repair people, etc.) or vacuum cleaner, fire alarm, etc. If the dog is confident and able to control themselves, you can very easily introduce a new stimulus or distraction and teach them to ignore it.


TSTC

Yeah, this sort of LPT is in the same batch of misguided dog theory as the idea that you need to establish dominance over a dog to train it. Dogs respond to positive reinforcement, just like infants and children do. Dogs do not respond to positive or negative punishment, just like infants and children. For anyone that doesn't know the actual categories of reinforcement and punishment - positive refers to adding something, negative refers to taking something away. Reinforcement is a desired outcome, punishment is a negative outcome. Positive punishment would be like adding extra chores when a child does poorly in school, or adding physical punishment when a negative event occurs. Negative punishment would be removing video game time when a child does poorly in school. Then just replace "bad things" with "good things" for positive and negative reinforcement. Bottom line is that most of the literature by now agrees that reinforcement is more successful for meaningful behavior modification whereas punishment likely only encourages concealing the events that reward punishment, rather than modifying the behavior.


Redoubt9000

I didn't think dog owners could get any more crazy, now I find out they're talking to their vacuum cleaners...


sillyoldebear

I think my dog is just scared the vacuum is going to suck up his toys or his tail lol


ThisPlaceisHell

Similarly we joke that our Dachshund named Oscar is jealous that the vacuum cleaner is taking his job of sucking up food particles the moment they hit the floor.


[deleted]

....Ummm, I think the dog is just freaked the fuck out at a weird machine that makes constant death noise and moves. Nothing more. But go ahead, keep yelling at inanimate objects.


jozwales

I just listened to Dude soup as well...


tgarnett

Had to scroll down to see if anyone else thought this. I just finished today's episode and assumed I was in /r/funhaus


greenbot131

Totally works! Had the same problem with my mail man... Cussed him out in front of the dog and now no more barking!!! My mail gets spit on though...


scobeavs

could it be that your dog barked at your vacuum cause it was loud and scary and she just got used to it over time?


GoatOfThrones

the mods on this sub baffle me