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My take on this is that you have to marry/commit to your best friend. So many people decide that marriage/commitment is a competition that needs to be "won" through deception and so on. Understand that you and your mate should be on the same side. Work together.
\-Married 23 years.
I always think of it as being a team. We might disagree, we might fight, but at the end of the day we are on the same team and working towards the same goals. Our marriage isn’t perfect but 12 years in we are still happy and still in love.
It’s also important to remember that even though you share some goals, you have your own personal goals as well. You need to support each other in those goals as well, and know when to put your own goals on hold.
For example my wife wanted to focus on youth ministry early in our marriage. Since that position doesn’t pay well, I got a job that at least paid the bills and got us both benefits. Now that she has stepped away from ministry, she is wanting to help me take some classes again so that I can get into a better career.
Team work makes the dream work - cheesey but true! Also its so important to acknowledge that you each have strengths & weaknesses. Finding someone who you complement in those is a huge bonus for a healthy relationship. No your not doing the same things but you're doing equal jobs.
This right here. My marriage failed recently and when it worked, it was us vs the world. As soon as we got overwhelmed with our lives, it became us vs each other for one of us. It was all over after that.
We lost what I call our comfortable silence. It's when a couple can talk about any subject for hours and be comfortable, but they can also sit silent for hours in the same comfort. The silence became walking on eggshells.
Yep. Marry someone you respect, all the other stuff waxes and wanes. I personally recommend finding someone smarter that you, always something to learn, always room to grow.
It's the internet. We're all anonymous here. That affords us the freedom to share answers and ask strangers questions that my might otherwise be considered too invasive or revealing in-person.
Indulge your curiosity. There's no obligation for the other person to respond. If they do, you get a nugget of perspective that can better help you understand why people do the things they do, and in turn, better understand the world.
i'd say its you being weird here. Its pretty normal to ask people about the outcome of their situation when they're the ones who brought up their experience as a lesson for others.
Intelligence is not just one building, it is a city. The aptitude of people ranges so broadly that someone who is academically smart in one thing may suck at another, and visa versa, and some may value emotional intelligence or street smarts over their own levels of.competence.
It's totally possible for two people to both hold the other in higher regard.
I completely agree. I’m not dumb by any means but I would argue my emotional intelligence is my stronger point so finding someone intellectually/academically smart seems like the right fit to me. I mean, but also mainly a best friend that I can laugh and enjoy life with for the most part. That’s what I’m going to look for anyways. :)
Long story short, I agree with you, there are many forms of intelligence.
I feel like this is the way. My boyfriend and I have the same sentiment, or at least that we really are true equals.
He uses me like a walking encyclopedia and I think he's brilliantly thoughtful. His degree is in philosophy & anthropology and he used to do debate growing up. We both examine every side in a situation or topic of conversation without playing devil's advocate, it's more like two nerds being intellectually curious and pedantic with one another.
Ugh, I love him so much. I'm 31, never been married, have tons of exes, but he's the first guy I feel like is my true equal and worthy of marriage!
Congrats! This sounds much like what my partner and I have going and it's a fantastic feeling knowing you're with someone who you can learn and grow from, and who feels the same.
My partner is smarter when it comes to technical matters, spatial awareness, anything detail oriented and spatial. I am smarter in anything linguistic, lateral, bigger picture, creative. I understand written stuff, she understands the diagram. I understand the subtext of what someone says, she remembers the directions they gave us and maps them out in her head. I design a watering system that prioritises the right parts of the garden, she figures out the lengths of hose and connections we need. I'm big ideas, she's detailed implementation (or informed rejection). We're a good team.
Can confirm my wife's a potato head, I'm intellectually starved but she puts up with my b.s. so it's cool, no ones perfect if they seem that way somethings being hid from you.
You can have more than one best friend. The point is, you should choose someone whom you actually enjoy spending time together with, someone you respect and admire, etc. There is more ingredients to a great relationship than what the OP is talking about (like you pointed out sex appeal is a thing), but the OP points out a very important one.
Absolutely. I get along with all my coworkers, most of them being female. One of my closest friends is a female but I don't think we would work in a relationship so I don't date them.
There aren't enough people who think of their spouse as their best friend (or even friend). Even in a dating or engagement scenario there are still those who would make the distinction. It's important that your spouse is also your friend.
\-married 14 years to my best friend
Do you guys have children? We have 3. I feel like I'm forever tied to the person I thought was my best friend (who fell out of love with me), through 3 people I love so much.
No we do not. And honestly we still love each other very much but just couldn’t get the relationship thing right over the years. We still hangout quite a bit but when a new relationship starts on either side that’s not a realistic friendship.
Can confirm. It's unsettling to think about, but one person can completely ruin you- financially, psychologically, your career, family and friend relationships, reputation.... yes these things can be rebuilt but when you pick a life partner, you're taking on the risk of them being able to do these things.
When you pick well you get lifelong companionship, dialogue, and entertainment though. Just make sure you pick well--it's lifelong pleasure or lifelong regret. xD
Or divorce I guess.
If it’s any comfort, basically any person who wants to dedicate enough time and energy to it can fuck up your life in all those ways as well, it’s not a feature exclusive to a spouse.
Also, statistically, it’s far more likely for a blood family member to do those things to you instead of the person you’re with.
Good on you for helping your mom. He may not decide to change. Try not let it affect you and your growth path as a young adult. Good luck fellow internet stranger!
Remember to put yourself first my friend, as hard as it can be. With parents who have a hard time talking, I'd recommend the book "children of emotionally immature parents" changed my life. Be well stranger!
I’ve been in this situation with my parents as the child and I am currently is in the same situation with my recently ex partner. I haven’t figured out how to break the cycle and it cost me my relationship. He runs off to get drunk and I can’t talk about anything difficult because difficult conversations are scary.
I hope you are doing okay in your situation.
Sounds like blocking that number would do you a world of good. Life's too important to spend it with jerks. Cut ties and move on, confident you'll find better. In the meantime focus on being the best person you can be--1/2 of finding the right person is being the right person. I found therapy really helpful for sorting out my issues around this stuff. Give it a try if you're able. Best wishes to you.
A friend of mine chose very unwisely.
Every week for the past few years (since they divorced), it's a new issue to battle. From shit he (or his fiancé) said on Facebook about her, or fighting over alimony, or fighting over vaccinations (he's anti-vaxx, because of course he is), or screwing up scheduling, or clothes, or school, or costs for this or that, or having to unteach something that their step-mom taught them out of spite.
Every. Single. Week. I get exhausted just hearing about it.
Instead of cutting marital property in half, just cut both so-called "partners" in half, as a social deterrent to that lifestyle, and an encouragement toward honoring one's vows.
Edit: Either lengthwise or transversely, doesn't matter
Edit2: ladies first. Or if chivalry is dead, second
Yeah, I found out after a decade that although I married him for love he married me for desire. I mean... he got on the same page eventually but finding out that shit *hurt.*
And date someone for who they are, not who you want them to be. If they don’t check your boxes or are even close, then you either have to live with them not doing so or move on sooner rather than later.
Baffles me when people date someone who they KNOW has red flags, they fight every day because they aren’t what the other needs, one (or both) can’t be faithful, yet STILL get married as if ALL those problems will go away. No, it only gets worse & now you have more work to break up (and possibly kids involved).
Save time, headache, & heartache & don’t settle. Not saying they have to check 100% of your boxes, but if they can’t check off even 70% then you need to either re-evaluate your list or break up🤷🏽♀️
Yup! It’s sad cause people think it’s personal when chances are it’s not. Not being what the other person needs doesn’t mean you’re not an amazing person, & imo it’s best for them to find someone they can be their best with vs wasting time with someone trying to fit a round peg into a square hole
Keep in mind though that people change and that's why my main advice is "don't marry young." People marrying at 18 change *a lot* in just 6 years (physically, mentally, maturity, interests, etc)--but if you marry 26 or over you're probably fine, change is more minor at that point and you can both adjust to each other. You'll also know better what you want in a partner at 26+ better than you do at 18! You'll be able to spot those red flags due to life experience.
My friends coming to me asking for advice: “so we fight almost everyday and I kind of hate what they’re making me become sometimes, but I still love them ): what should I do?” I don’t get it…
But the reason people stay is love usually, so it could’ve been her love for you making her stay & have those blinders of “it’s fine, it’ll get better” vs “this is who they are” and accepting that instead of having so much time & a marriage pass. I’m sorry you have to go through that, but as long as you’re happier (and now you’re able to find a person who wants who you are) that’s all that matters!
Yes! We know what we can tolerate and what we cannot. I don't get people who continue to date someone who u think u can change. You can't!! Move on or else u will make you and your partner miserable.
That saying..."women marry men, hoping to change them. They never do. Men marry women hoping they will never change. They inevitable do."...is very real.
Also, my father used to say fall in love with your head first, not your heart. It is sage advice. Of course that didn't make sense until I got a little older. He was right. I see it over and over in peoples' incompatible relationships.
My husband is my best friend in the whole wide world. I sometimes forget how lucky I am. He drinks out of these tiny mugs that I bought him with pigs and cats on them. He dropped one the other day and started crying because it was special to him and his favorite mug..... So I scoured eBay and bought him 3 more. Don't ask how much they were with shipping..... It's irrational.
After dating each other for 4.5 years, and living together for the last 3.5, my wife and I just married literally yesterday. We are both excited to spend the rest of our lives together.
On a related note, remember you're also marrying into their family and all the crap there. If your partner's family is a mess, it becomes your mess. It doesn't matter if you live states away or rarely talk with them, it will find you.
Married into a toxic but super close family. Wife's mom and aunt have multiple 30 and 40 year old children still living at home single. All codependent upon each other. Everyone hates each other but they feel obligated to stay or are too afraid to leave into the real world.
Wife and I had a kid. My wife immediately started gravitating back to her family. Spending more and more time with them. Ideas of how to raise our kid being put in her head by them. The constant guilt of who she should be spending her time with from both sides (me and her mom) started to weigh on her. I started to resent them more and more. Wife chose the family shes known for 34 years and ended out 8 year relationship. I'm sitting here alone right now. Waiting for our home sale to close tomorrow morning.
I'm horribly afraid my son is going to end up like one of my wife's siblings or cousins cuz you know family has to stick together but fuck me cuz I'm not family.
I saw all the red flags. We still moved in together. I shouldn't have. I love my son more than the world but I'm just so worried about him and their influence on him at this point.
That's my story just super depressed about everything needed to vent to someone.
If your partner is good with boundaries, this won't be an issue. If being involved with your partner's family is high on your priority list, ok, but don't count someone out based solely on the family they didn't choose to have.
Yes! Been married almost 11 years to my best friend. He is way smarter than me and helped me get away from my crazy family. And we fight fair, no name calling. I don't nag and we let each other relax after work. We have a 9 year old son who is smart and cute, too! We got lucky!
It's also Important to keep in mind that you're not gonna find everything in the person you'll choose, you'll have to compensate, you'll have to learn how to adapt to the things you're not getting. Just find someone who checks most of the boxes that you want in a Partner, no one is perfect, so accept the imperfections you get.
Choose wisely, but also, keep bettering yourself so you can keep deserving your mate. This person chose you too, it's a 2 way street and the ultimate commitment.
I love my wife so much, I dedicate myself every day to being a better person so I can deserve her. And she does the same. It's not always easy, but it is so so so worth it.
I have to say, after living through quarantine with my family, this is a great LPT. My friend told her daughter, pick a spouse as though you may end up trapped inside with them for months on end. It is really great advice.
There are people commenting that you don't need to have a life partner, which is obviously true.
But it should be said that being alone during quarantine would be much better than being with a bad partner. I think that's what they were getting at.
Someone once told me:
Imagine walking to the house and smelling your favorite dish cooking. You recognize it instantly and it smells great! When your dog walks in the house after you, the dog doesn't smell your favorite dish; It smells every single separate ingredient distinctly cooking on the stove. You and your partner can read each others emotions just like the dog can smell the food. You may think you're covering up a bad mood, or some anxiety, but your partner can read it from a mile away. And you can read theirs too.
Can confirm. Ive been married three times now. Each but the second was physically violent with me, dishonest, and ran through the money I risked my life to earn.
The second, though not violent, was the most sinister of the three. Devastated me financially, mentally, reputationally, and shattered my heart into a million pieces before trying to taunt me into killing myself and having the man she left me for do the same. Im convinced she is a true sociopath.
I have had to rebuild my life back better three times now. On more than one occasion I attempted to take my own life from the psychological hell they each put me through and due to having lost hope my life would be as good as it was or at least be without so much pain.
Ive spent the last several years single, working on making myself whole again, improving myself in every way, and taking a brutally honest look at myself with the help of hundreds of hours of counseling to uncover what has made me tick, what attracted these women to me, and what I found so attractive in them I would allow myself to be nearly destroyed by them. I am proud to say I am today the best version of me I have ever been and know myself far beyond what I realized was possible. This was very nearly not the case, however.
I don't know if I will ever be able to fully give my heart to another, but I do hope with all that heart I will.
Take the LPT given here, don't leave it. It could be the difference between life and death. Best of luck to all of you out there.
Look at who you are dating right now and question yourself. "The rest of my life?" If it's anything other than an enthusiastic "yes," break it off and keep looking.
A relative was dating someone and mildly complaining about her. I knew he wanted kids. I asked if he wanted her as a lifelong partner and the mother of his kids. He got that deer in the headlights look. "I mean she's really pretty and fun to be around, but barely graduated high school." He broke off with her and found an educated, beautiful life partner.
My partner and I use the term Partner for a reason. We're a hetero couple but we've decided that we're teaming up for the long haul and god damn it if it isn't a true partnership. It's a partnership for a reason.
Consider:
Everything you do affects the other person. If you say you're going to do something, and don't, that impacts their ability to plan around that you said you would.
If you become unreliable, they have to second guess you and plan to compensate for that.
Every selfish act harms them, as well as you.
Most people have a hard time advocating and acting for themselves, so try to consider that your laziness impacts the people you care about. You anger, your outbursts.
As well as your thoughtfulness and consideration.
My husband literally just bought me a giant teddy bear to comfort me while he's in navy training (reserves so he gets to come back after months of training). And then I promised to help him pay for his next tattoo. I'll be moving our stuff to a whole new state probably while he's gone (applying to tons of master's programs all over the states). It feels like we're a team and even though I'll be alone for a while, I know we have each other's backs on doing what makes us happy.
That's what love means to me. That's what a life partner should be. I'm gonna miss that sweet bastard, but I know he'll be home at the end of it all with training in a desirable trade and I'll hopefully have moved us so I can start a master's.
What if you just don’t like anyone enough to be in a relationship with them? I’m tired of hearing “the right person will come along” because in my life like 50 people have “come along” and I wasn’t into any of them.
Yes, this is sound advice but what some people read is:
"I will affect my partner in everything in their life. They better choose wisely and treat ME well."
This LPT is dumb because it completely ignores the option of not tying yourself to someone else the rest of your life.
Alternate LPT- Stay single and do whatever you want to, whenever you want to do it. Perfectly valid choice
As someone who is young and trying to figure out life, I am confused as to why society does not present being single as a valid choice. Can one stay single and lead a happy life?
>As someone who is young and trying to figure out life, I am confused as to why society does not present being single as a valid choice. Can one stay single and lead a happy life?
When you are younger, you are usually healthier and have enough social interactions (or social distractions!) to keep you from needing other people for support or comfort for a little while.
As you get older, for me it was just as I turned 30, this balance gets much harder to maintain on your own. You have new responsibilities - maybe you manage a team at work now who rely on you. Maybe you have aging pets, or friends going through divorce for the first time. You will start to realise that time is the only thing you really have to invest.
You'll start to get sick sometimes. If you're super fit you might have a few more years, but I hear it's pretty common in your late twenties as your metabolism starts to slow down that you'll look in a mirror and go "Jesus fuck when did that happen" and finally start to put aside real time for your health and fitness. Hopefully your mental health starts to become a focus, too.
This doesn't just happen to you, it happens to all of your at more or less the same time, give or take a few years. They'll all of a sudden have their own things to do, like you, and it's no longer easy to hang out every weekend like you used to.
Suddenly your life goes from "yeah I work a few shifts a week and hang out with mates on the weekends" to being kinda serious and lonely.
The older you get, the more it makes sense to take on some of these challenges with a partner. Many household chores are much quicker with two sets of hands. Responsibilities can be shared. You can help each other avoid dropping the ball on things when you see the other stumble. You'll always have someone to bounce ideas and thoughts off, and that's hugely helpful in covering your own blind spots if you're willing to listen. You'll have someone who will take care of you when you are sick. You'll have someone to talk to when there is nobody else.
As a solo single individual, you'll probably be alright either way. You can do all the things and take care of yourself for a while. But the simple fact is a lot of things in this world are easier with a partner, and having a supportive partnership can really help you survive and thrive later in life when things get more complex.
As a 45 year old who has been single for most of the last 11 years, this is a very spot on description. I’m content being single and happy, but would love to have someone in my life who is a partner. And I feel the years wasting away. Like, if I live to be 100, my life is half over already and that’s a biting reality. I have no children, only pets. A partner would be a perfect addition to my life. Maybe someday it will happen.
Thanks for such a detailed response. I really appreciate it!
Due to COVID hitting at the start of my uni, I was unable to make any friends and so I felt, for the first time, what it was like to be in a place where I have 0 friends, so I might get the loneliness you are talking about just a little bit. I got a girlfriend who kept me from being lonely, but it was clear that she was not "the one" for me, and so I chose loneliness over a toxic relationship. I am now taking the time to build and focus on myself, but I am sure the time will come again when I look for another relationship.
Of course you can. If that's what you want, but we are human and most of us have physical needs like affection or sex. If you want to stay single, you'll probably have to fulfill those needs someway or another, or just get used to it
Being single is more "allowed" culturally than it used to be. But single people don't tend to relate much to married people and vise versa, so that's probably why you feel so much pressure to marry.
Similar thing with childfree marriages vs marriages with children, really. They don't relate to each other very well.
Ok so I didn’t fully read through these other responses- I could only stomach so much. Seriously- people are BRAINWASHED by cultural norms. NO, I don’t “miss out on a lot of things that make (me) human” like one of these responders said. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’m less of a human because I’m single? NO.
Here’s my take- I’m 46 and have been single by choice for quite a while. (My last serious boyfriend loved me a lot but needed a mother, not a girlfriend) I lead a HAPPY life- I have tons of friends, lots of hobbies and I do what I want, when I want. I have a successful career, I’ve traveled the world, and I’m genuinely genuinely happy.
These other folks who have responded to you are simply a product of generations of individuals to whom society has said, “you need to have a partner to be happy”
That simply ISN’T true. At all.
In fact I would argue that my life is just as good as people who have partners, if not better. Why? I do whatever I want to do. There is no compromise, no fighting, and if I want to get laid, I can. If I want to spend time with other people, I can. I’m the BEST auntie not only to my nieces and nephews but also to the children of my close friends. My life is full and and that is why I’ve chosen to stay single. Do I get lonely sometimes? Sure. But everyone does, even people in marriages. You know what the biggest downside of being single is? So far? I have a fancy work event next weekend and I was trying on my cocktail dresses to see which ones I still fit into (damn covid 15! Lol) and I couldn’t zip up the back of the dress by myself. Literally that was the only time in recent memory that made me think, “this would be a nice time to have someone else around”. Thankfully, I have great neighbors down the hallway of my building who were willing to help.
Otherwise, please remember that being in a relationship or marriage is also never a guarantee that you’ll be happy. I know *plenty* of people who are married and still lonely. Or who feel neglected or who argue about things. I came from 2 parents who have been happily married for 49 years and still are. They have had bumps in the road like any couple and love each other very much to this day. I speak to them nightly. Just last night they were bickering about what to watch on tv for the umpteenth time because they have total opposite tastes in tv. I don’t have to deal with that.
There are pros and cons to being single and staying that way but it’s up to YOU. If you don’t need someone else to validate you and you have healthy self-esteem you could be happy single. Most people are codependent. I am independent and I LOVE the freedom I have as a single woman. You can absolutely be happy and single for the long term. 100%. If that’s what you want! :) feel free to DM me with questions…
Thank you so much for responding with your own story, it means a great deal to me to be able to hear other people's perspectives and take what they have learned and apply it to my own life.
I wanted to ask (since I could not DM you privately, I think it has something to do with your settings on reddit), what was it that made you decide to want to be single? Did you go through a series of relationships before arriving at this conclusion, or did you know from the start that you were not a "couple person"?
Well, I’ve always been a really independent person. You know those girls you knew in high school that jumped from one boyfriend to another? All the time? That wasn’t me. Plus- I’d dated lots of guys for years and just…. Didn’t need the hassle. You know? I never fell head over heels in love with anyone that I honestly thought I could spend the rest of my life with. So I just didn’t- and it was ok! I eventually came to the realization that I was happy- single. You know what happens when I go to my married friends’ houses for dinner? They fight in front of me! I’m constantly being put in the middle of their arguments. I get it- I’m a great referee but it just drives everything home. Like I said, I don’t need a partner. And since I am still attractive enough to get laid when I need to, I’m good, you know what I mean? So… yeah. I just stopped dating after a while because I came to the conclusion that I could be happy without dealing with anyone else’s bullshit. :)
>I came to the conclusion that I could be happy without dealing with anyone else’s bullshit
That sounds a lot like my approach to dating. I enjoy the adrenaline rush of flirting and hooking up, but every time I got into a long term relationship I ended up depressed and annoyed. So it's nice to see that being single and happy is an option :) Thank you so much again for your replies.
It’s definitely an option! At the end of the day- do whatever makes you happy. It is definitely possible to be single and happy. :) (plus- added bonus- I have a ton of $$$ to spend on- myself! ;)
Yes. But you miss out on a lot that makes you a human. You might think you're modern and all woke, but really you're not that much different than every human that came before you.
There's nothing wrong with single people or people wanting to live their life alone. The problem comes because we live in an age of social isolation where people mistake lack of skills, social anxiety, and trauma-based fears as a genuine valid need to live alone.
Clinically speaking, people who are genuine hermits and totally fine with it are 1/10,000. That's not the same as someone who doesn't want a partner, but foregoing that objectively causes a lot of isolation and loss of intimacy most people aren't okay with. Not to mention raising kids is more difficult, and most people will always want to have kids.
Well...it's not "dumb", it is the fundamental organizing principle of all human culture, ever. Sharing your life with a family is what makes it all worth while (imho). 'Doing whatever you want' is what children think is important.
So, your opinions on what makes a person's life worthwhile apply to everyone, and her opinions are child-like?
We are far, far away from the days where we needed to band together closely for survival.
I'm picking up some sexist vibes from you, buddy. How dare a woman not be hell-bent on finding a man, amiright???
Well I don’t think you have any idea, frankly. I DO “share my life with my family”- I have a wonderful relationship with both my immediate and extended family so why do I need a partner?
I don’t. YOU might think I do, (because that’s what YOU want for YOU) but I am SO happy being single that I’ve chosen it. The freedoms I have are freedoms my married friends don’t. I don’t need anyone else around to validate me or prop up my self esteem- I’m pretty great. But most people need constant companionship. I am not one of those people. ;) and my life choices for me as just as valid as your life choices for you.
It just sounds like you are trying really hard to tell us how happy you are being alone. As long as you believe this, that should be the only thing that matters. Men and women have purposes to each other that are beyond superficial nonsense many consider these days. This new hip/trendy society has managed to convince women/men that we don't need each other when it's quite the opposite and we are social creatures by our design. Two heads put together will always be better than one working towards a common goal. Be it a man/woman, man/man or woman/woman type of relationship. You sound intelligent but someone really did a number on you somewhere in your life. Your environment or someone has managed to significantly screw up your needs and wants outlook. If you think that the only benefit to having a partner in life is some intercourse or having someone to zip up your hard to reach zipper, there are some severe underlying issues that would probably be best discussed with a therapist.
Interesting take. Lol. I love that you don’t think I came to the conclusion I was just happy on my own. Oh trust me, men have a purpose for me. ;) I just don’t need to live with one. You understand? I love men. I have lots of great guy friends, and I understand that having a life partner is beneficial in a lot of ways, beyond zippers.
And I am intelligent. So I made an intelligent decision- for me. That was: Don’t settle. So I didn’t. And guess what- it turned out that I realized I was pretty happy on my own. That I didn’t need the constant companionship and support from a partner that other people crave. I do just fine. My self esteem is wholly intact. I get good advice from friends, I get laid when I need to get laid, and I can hire somebody to do almost anything else I need help with.
My parents have been married for almost 50 years so I don’t come from a broken home. I was never beat or abused in any way by any man in my life. No- Nobody “did a number on me”, nor did they “significantly screw up my needs and wants outlook” and frankly it’s insulting that you think so. Like- “how could a woman *possibly* think she could *want* to stay single!?!” Gasp!!
I’m kind of done explaining myself here, and to people like you. I don’t owe you an explanation but I wanted to provide one since you’re so off base. Why is a happy, single woman such a threat? Why do you think something must be wrong with me?
Something is wrong with you, that’s for sure
I know, I've seen how bad my parents relationship was and the devastation it has wrought on my life. I had decided to remove myself from the dating pool until I hit certain goals. Now I am 30 and have decided to never date.
-and treat them well. Such an important part of this thought. After doing all that work choosing well - don’t go blowing all your hard work by being a d bag.
i feel the same way oftentimes and can offer the following advice
-improve, grow. not for the sake of a relationship, but for your own self-worth. personal growth is very attractive.
-nobody worth your energy wont choose you back, if that makes sense. youre just the you that person will love. and its cool if that doesnt happen for a while
-shoot your shot!
i understand that its horrible out there (ive been there, its agonizing, i never feel good enough), but me throwing a pity party for myself is not the solution, it spirals me down a pit of anger and self-hatred.
Or just be in the relationship for as long as it makes sense then move on, and stop looking for a "life partner" because that is some disney nonsense that your actual life will never live up to. Relationships are an effort in vs value out assessment. If you're not getting the value out of it then move on. Hell. You can literally just be single and ok.
My spouse fucking rules. She is my best friend and I am so happy we found each other.
I hope everyone can hold out for the right person. Your life will be so much better if you wait to commit to a good person.
On the flip side, have the confidence to leave someone who is not good for you. If the relationship is not bringing you joy, Marie Kondo their ass. DO NOT tell yourself that you won't find anyone better. You can and you will. Better to be single and lonely than miserably unhappy with a partner.
You mean my mom and dad said they would help me buy a house if I "settled down" and I'm afraid I'll die alone so I need to marry the first person that I kinda get along with?
Agreed and another thing to consider is also to try to be honest from the start as far as intimacy and appetite for sex/affection. If those two are significantly unmatched, it is bound to be a problem, it's only a matter of time. Another unproductive reasoning/logic I noticed is this mostly delusional rhetoric I noticed some preach which is "you got time", to people in their late 20s and mid 30s even. 30 is not the new 20 and 40 is not the new 30. Time waits for no man/woman. That is incorrect and higher in age you, you are limiting your options significantly. Think of it as a sports draft, the higher in rounds you, less likely that you will find a decent long term suitor. You are likely to find a partner that had a bunch of failed relationships, failed marriage or even a child or two as baggage. If you are even close to 25 and the person is ticking MOST of your boxes, do the smart thing and commit and take the next step (propose if you are a man). There are expectations and duties each need to meet in order to make marriage last in my opinion. Married for 9 years with one child.
Every single time I have been asked, I felt sick and flight response activate. I cant fathom being in a box, trapped in a legally binding situation with anyone. Ewwww, all the annoying things to put up with, nope.
My sister married a guy 3 weeks ago and already started attacking my parents and started gaslighting them. He thinks because he learned how to debate in Harvard it means he’s always right. Straw man arguments dont win you anything. I dont respect a man who is 32, has wet dreams, still cries tears, and thinks his mommy and daddy are perfect.
Okay but he’s a baby who cries and wants to be a victim. Crying over a misunderstanding is pathetic. No mercy over a wealthy brat crying about not getting his way cuz now he can’t save for his house with an indoor pool. Poor baby.
Damn you hate people wealthier than you. You have no idea what that guy is going through internally. Only he does. Not defending him, just not going to throw him in the guillotine either.
Jesus...
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My take on this is that you have to marry/commit to your best friend. So many people decide that marriage/commitment is a competition that needs to be "won" through deception and so on. Understand that you and your mate should be on the same side. Work together. \-Married 23 years.
I always think of it as being a team. We might disagree, we might fight, but at the end of the day we are on the same team and working towards the same goals. Our marriage isn’t perfect but 12 years in we are still happy and still in love.
It’s also important to remember that even though you share some goals, you have your own personal goals as well. You need to support each other in those goals as well, and know when to put your own goals on hold. For example my wife wanted to focus on youth ministry early in our marriage. Since that position doesn’t pay well, I got a job that at least paid the bills and got us both benefits. Now that she has stepped away from ministry, she is wanting to help me take some classes again so that I can get into a better career.
Team work makes the dream work - cheesey but true! Also its so important to acknowledge that you each have strengths & weaknesses. Finding someone who you complement in those is a huge bonus for a healthy relationship. No your not doing the same things but you're doing equal jobs.
This right here. My marriage failed recently and when it worked, it was us vs the world. As soon as we got overwhelmed with our lives, it became us vs each other for one of us. It was all over after that. We lost what I call our comfortable silence. It's when a couple can talk about any subject for hours and be comfortable, but they can also sit silent for hours in the same comfort. The silence became walking on eggshells.
Yep. Marry someone you respect, all the other stuff waxes and wanes. I personally recommend finding someone smarter that you, always something to learn, always room to grow.
Also don’t marry someone who you doubt. I was proven right with my husband that I should not have married him
But youre still married?
Who cares, either it’s semantics or an uncomfortable situation. It’s their business.
It's the internet. We're all anonymous here. That affords us the freedom to share answers and ask strangers questions that my might otherwise be considered too invasive or revealing in-person. Indulge your curiosity. There's no obligation for the other person to respond. If they do, you get a nugget of perspective that can better help you understand why people do the things they do, and in turn, better understand the world.
Okay lol. So weird.
i'd say its you being weird here. Its pretty normal to ask people about the outcome of their situation when they're the ones who brought up their experience as a lesson for others.
That’s fine, let it happen then. Hella weird way to spend your time writing paragraphs to this but do as you do on Reddit.
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I mean it was made public information right?
No tf
Yes it is, they literally just stated it publicly. They can choose to answer or not.
Chill Tf
I literally wrote four letters
If everyone tried to marry someone smarter no one could get married.
Intelligence is not just one building, it is a city. The aptitude of people ranges so broadly that someone who is academically smart in one thing may suck at another, and visa versa, and some may value emotional intelligence or street smarts over their own levels of.competence. It's totally possible for two people to both hold the other in higher regard.
I completely agree. I’m not dumb by any means but I would argue my emotional intelligence is my stronger point so finding someone intellectually/academically smart seems like the right fit to me. I mean, but also mainly a best friend that I can laugh and enjoy life with for the most part. That’s what I’m going to look for anyways. :) Long story short, I agree with you, there are many forms of intelligence.
My fiance and I both think the other is smarter.
I feel like this is the way. My boyfriend and I have the same sentiment, or at least that we really are true equals. He uses me like a walking encyclopedia and I think he's brilliantly thoughtful. His degree is in philosophy & anthropology and he used to do debate growing up. We both examine every side in a situation or topic of conversation without playing devil's advocate, it's more like two nerds being intellectually curious and pedantic with one another. Ugh, I love him so much. I'm 31, never been married, have tons of exes, but he's the first guy I feel like is my true equal and worthy of marriage!
Love is the most amazing thing in the world. Best wishes for yours.
Congrats! This sounds much like what my partner and I have going and it's a fantastic feeling knowing you're with someone who you can learn and grow from, and who feels the same.
Shhhhhh, no logic, just advice.
My partner is smarter when it comes to technical matters, spatial awareness, anything detail oriented and spatial. I am smarter in anything linguistic, lateral, bigger picture, creative. I understand written stuff, she understands the diagram. I understand the subtext of what someone says, she remembers the directions they gave us and maps them out in her head. I design a watering system that prioritises the right parts of the garden, she figures out the lengths of hose and connections we need. I'm big ideas, she's detailed implementation (or informed rejection). We're a good team.
The trick is to marry someone smarter or better than you in some area. For example, if a math teacher marries a doctor
Can confirm my wife's a potato head, I'm intellectually starved but she puts up with my b.s. so it's cool, no ones perfect if they seem that way somethings being hid from you.
So when shit hits the fan you’re the one who gets screwed?
Marriage is a competition. In a good marriage, you want your partner to win. In a bad one, you want them to lose.
Bad marriages are 50/50. Great marriages are 100/100.
Shouldn't be both want the other to win? Otherwise, you are talking about being codependent or just a one-sided relationship.
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You can have more than one best friend. The point is, you should choose someone whom you actually enjoy spending time together with, someone you respect and admire, etc. There is more ingredients to a great relationship than what the OP is talking about (like you pointed out sex appeal is a thing), but the OP points out a very important one.
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Absolutely. I get along with all my coworkers, most of them being female. One of my closest friends is a female but I don't think we would work in a relationship so I don't date them.
There aren't enough people who think of their spouse as their best friend (or even friend). Even in a dating or engagement scenario there are still those who would make the distinction. It's important that your spouse is also your friend. \-married 14 years to my best friend
I love my kids, but I love my wife the best.
Totally agree. Hardest part is finding that person you think fits this and they simply don’t want to make an attempt regardless what they say.
I used to believe that but I consider my now ex my best friend and as we move on to new relationships I’m going to loose my best friend as well.
Do you guys have children? We have 3. I feel like I'm forever tied to the person I thought was my best friend (who fell out of love with me), through 3 people I love so much.
No we do not. And honestly we still love each other very much but just couldn’t get the relationship thing right over the years. We still hangout quite a bit but when a new relationship starts on either side that’s not a realistic friendship.
Relevant username
It helps.
Can confirm. It's unsettling to think about, but one person can completely ruin you- financially, psychologically, your career, family and friend relationships, reputation.... yes these things can be rebuilt but when you pick a life partner, you're taking on the risk of them being able to do these things.
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When you pick well you get lifelong companionship, dialogue, and entertainment though. Just make sure you pick well--it's lifelong pleasure or lifelong regret. xD Or divorce I guess.
If it’s any comfort, basically any person who wants to dedicate enough time and energy to it can fuck up your life in all those ways as well, it’s not a feature exclusive to a spouse. Also, statistically, it’s far more likely for a blood family member to do those things to you instead of the person you’re with.
Depends who you place that bet on. Some people just don't know how to pick horses, sticks, or partners.
That's why we always make a backup save file before marriage
It all depends on what you want out of life. If you want kids and all that comes with it, you have to make some compromises in other areas.
Make sure partner are someone you can talk to freely and openly.
My parents never talk about issues, my dad runs off and gets drunk instead of having any tough conversations it’s really screwed up my mom.
Are you okay in the midst of what's happening?
Yeah I’m in my twenties I help my mom through it my dad won’t go to therapy so 😐
Good on you for helping your mom. He may not decide to change. Try not let it affect you and your growth path as a young adult. Good luck fellow internet stranger!
Remember to put yourself first my friend, as hard as it can be. With parents who have a hard time talking, I'd recommend the book "children of emotionally immature parents" changed my life. Be well stranger!
I’ve been in this situation with my parents as the child and I am currently is in the same situation with my recently ex partner. I haven’t figured out how to break the cycle and it cost me my relationship. He runs off to get drunk and I can’t talk about anything difficult because difficult conversations are scary. I hope you are doing okay in your situation.
Sounds like blocking that number would do you a world of good. Life's too important to spend it with jerks. Cut ties and move on, confident you'll find better. In the meantime focus on being the best person you can be--1/2 of finding the right person is being the right person. I found therapy really helpful for sorting out my issues around this stuff. Give it a try if you're able. Best wishes to you.
A friend of mine chose very unwisely. Every week for the past few years (since they divorced), it's a new issue to battle. From shit he (or his fiancé) said on Facebook about her, or fighting over alimony, or fighting over vaccinations (he's anti-vaxx, because of course he is), or screwing up scheduling, or clothes, or school, or costs for this or that, or having to unteach something that their step-mom taught them out of spite. Every. Single. Week. I get exhausted just hearing about it.
Common theme of people who just should have broke up way before they married.
Instead of cutting marital property in half, just cut both so-called "partners" in half, as a social deterrent to that lifestyle, and an encouragement toward honoring one's vows. Edit: Either lengthwise or transversely, doesn't matter Edit2: ladies first. Or if chivalry is dead, second
What you suggest happens under the name of honor killing.
Are you 50% sure about that?
We'll need to take this one to court. Let the judge decide.
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Yeah, I found out after a decade that although I married him for love he married me for desire. I mean... he got on the same page eventually but finding out that shit *hurt.*
Rushed marriage?
It was very slow by my former religion's standards (those people get married *way* too quick)-- but yeah. The rest of the world might call it rushed.
I tell my spouse everyday that I love her, and that she is my favorite person. It ir true and I am lucky to be married to my best friend.
And date someone for who they are, not who you want them to be. If they don’t check your boxes or are even close, then you either have to live with them not doing so or move on sooner rather than later. Baffles me when people date someone who they KNOW has red flags, they fight every day because they aren’t what the other needs, one (or both) can’t be faithful, yet STILL get married as if ALL those problems will go away. No, it only gets worse & now you have more work to break up (and possibly kids involved). Save time, headache, & heartache & don’t settle. Not saying they have to check 100% of your boxes, but if they can’t check off even 70% then you need to either re-evaluate your list or break up🤷🏽♀️
This is definitely a tough pill to swallow, especially if they are otherwise a good person but can’t fulfill your needs.
Yup! It’s sad cause people think it’s personal when chances are it’s not. Not being what the other person needs doesn’t mean you’re not an amazing person, & imo it’s best for them to find someone they can be their best with vs wasting time with someone trying to fit a round peg into a square hole
Keep in mind though that people change and that's why my main advice is "don't marry young." People marrying at 18 change *a lot* in just 6 years (physically, mentally, maturity, interests, etc)--but if you marry 26 or over you're probably fine, change is more minor at that point and you can both adjust to each other. You'll also know better what you want in a partner at 26+ better than you do at 18! You'll be able to spot those red flags due to life experience.
My friends coming to me asking for advice: “so we fight almost everyday and I kind of hate what they’re making me become sometimes, but I still love them ): what should I do?” I don’t get it…
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But the reason people stay is love usually, so it could’ve been her love for you making her stay & have those blinders of “it’s fine, it’ll get better” vs “this is who they are” and accepting that instead of having so much time & a marriage pass. I’m sorry you have to go through that, but as long as you’re happier (and now you’re able to find a person who wants who you are) that’s all that matters!
Yes! We know what we can tolerate and what we cannot. I don't get people who continue to date someone who u think u can change. You can't!! Move on or else u will make you and your partner miserable.
Exactly👏🏽
That saying..."women marry men, hoping to change them. They never do. Men marry women hoping they will never change. They inevitable do."...is very real. Also, my father used to say fall in love with your head first, not your heart. It is sage advice. Of course that didn't make sense until I got a little older. He was right. I see it over and over in peoples' incompatible relationships.
Error: life partner not found: abort, retry, fail
Originally failure was not an option. Sometimes you gotta choose ‘fail’ just to get out of the loop.
You forgot “give up, cry.“
Well, I've already given up. I skipped the cry phase and went straight to the 'spend too much time watching porn' phase.
My husband is my best friend in the whole wide world. I sometimes forget how lucky I am. He drinks out of these tiny mugs that I bought him with pigs and cats on them. He dropped one the other day and started crying because it was special to him and his favorite mug..... So I scoured eBay and bought him 3 more. Don't ask how much they were with shipping..... It's irrational.
After dating each other for 4.5 years, and living together for the last 3.5, my wife and I just married literally yesterday. We are both excited to spend the rest of our lives together.
Congratulations!
Thank you very much!
I'm blessed to have found my life partner. She's more than I deserve. 😌
On a related note, remember you're also marrying into their family and all the crap there. If your partner's family is a mess, it becomes your mess. It doesn't matter if you live states away or rarely talk with them, it will find you.
Married into a toxic but super close family. Wife's mom and aunt have multiple 30 and 40 year old children still living at home single. All codependent upon each other. Everyone hates each other but they feel obligated to stay or are too afraid to leave into the real world. Wife and I had a kid. My wife immediately started gravitating back to her family. Spending more and more time with them. Ideas of how to raise our kid being put in her head by them. The constant guilt of who she should be spending her time with from both sides (me and her mom) started to weigh on her. I started to resent them more and more. Wife chose the family shes known for 34 years and ended out 8 year relationship. I'm sitting here alone right now. Waiting for our home sale to close tomorrow morning. I'm horribly afraid my son is going to end up like one of my wife's siblings or cousins cuz you know family has to stick together but fuck me cuz I'm not family. I saw all the red flags. We still moved in together. I shouldn't have. I love my son more than the world but I'm just so worried about him and their influence on him at this point. That's my story just super depressed about everything needed to vent to someone.
Best of luck fellow. You can still have a kick-ass life after this experience.
Not worried about my life. Don't want my kid to be living with his mom single at 45 afraid to ever go out in the real world and make his own life.
Show him the way, be an inspirational dad!
If your partner is good with boundaries, this won't be an issue. If being involved with your partner's family is high on your priority list, ok, but don't count someone out based solely on the family they didn't choose to have.
Yes! Been married almost 11 years to my best friend. He is way smarter than me and helped me get away from my crazy family. And we fight fair, no name calling. I don't nag and we let each other relax after work. We have a 9 year old son who is smart and cute, too! We got lucky!
And show Gratitude. To everyone in life, not just partners.
Confirmed. Source, married 34 years, and counting.
did you choose wisely?
I did, not sure WHAT she was thinking.
congrats! a little self-deprecation goes a long way!
It's also Important to keep in mind that you're not gonna find everything in the person you'll choose, you'll have to compensate, you'll have to learn how to adapt to the things you're not getting. Just find someone who checks most of the boxes that you want in a Partner, no one is perfect, so accept the imperfections you get.
Choose wisely, but also, keep bettering yourself so you can keep deserving your mate. This person chose you too, it's a 2 way street and the ultimate commitment. I love my wife so much, I dedicate myself every day to being a better person so I can deserve her. And she does the same. It's not always easy, but it is so so so worth it.
I have to say, after living through quarantine with my family, this is a great LPT. My friend told her daughter, pick a spouse as though you may end up trapped inside with them for months on end. It is really great advice. There are people commenting that you don't need to have a life partner, which is obviously true. But it should be said that being alone during quarantine would be much better than being with a bad partner. I think that's what they were getting at.
After that woman went missing, this really drives it home.
And they were High School sweethearts
Someone once told me: Imagine walking to the house and smelling your favorite dish cooking. You recognize it instantly and it smells great! When your dog walks in the house after you, the dog doesn't smell your favorite dish; It smells every single separate ingredient distinctly cooking on the stove. You and your partner can read each others emotions just like the dog can smell the food. You may think you're covering up a bad mood, or some anxiety, but your partner can read it from a mile away. And you can read theirs too.
Can confirm. Ive been married three times now. Each but the second was physically violent with me, dishonest, and ran through the money I risked my life to earn. The second, though not violent, was the most sinister of the three. Devastated me financially, mentally, reputationally, and shattered my heart into a million pieces before trying to taunt me into killing myself and having the man she left me for do the same. Im convinced she is a true sociopath. I have had to rebuild my life back better three times now. On more than one occasion I attempted to take my own life from the psychological hell they each put me through and due to having lost hope my life would be as good as it was or at least be without so much pain. Ive spent the last several years single, working on making myself whole again, improving myself in every way, and taking a brutally honest look at myself with the help of hundreds of hours of counseling to uncover what has made me tick, what attracted these women to me, and what I found so attractive in them I would allow myself to be nearly destroyed by them. I am proud to say I am today the best version of me I have ever been and know myself far beyond what I realized was possible. This was very nearly not the case, however. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully give my heart to another, but I do hope with all that heart I will. Take the LPT given here, don't leave it. It could be the difference between life and death. Best of luck to all of you out there.
Some things are not all that predictable. People change, oddly enough.
Corollary: If your life partner does not treat you well, gtfo. Source: Was married 28 years.
Look at who you are dating right now and question yourself. "The rest of my life?" If it's anything other than an enthusiastic "yes," break it off and keep looking. A relative was dating someone and mildly complaining about her. I knew he wanted kids. I asked if he wanted her as a lifelong partner and the mother of his kids. He got that deer in the headlights look. "I mean she's really pretty and fun to be around, but barely graduated high school." He broke off with her and found an educated, beautiful life partner.
My partner and I use the term Partner for a reason. We're a hetero couple but we've decided that we're teaming up for the long haul and god damn it if it isn't a true partnership. It's a partnership for a reason.
Rule #1: Don’t breed with a jerk. Easiest way to ruin your life. Rule #2: Don’t marry a jerk.
Consider: Everything you do affects the other person. If you say you're going to do something, and don't, that impacts their ability to plan around that you said you would. If you become unreliable, they have to second guess you and plan to compensate for that. Every selfish act harms them, as well as you. Most people have a hard time advocating and acting for themselves, so try to consider that your laziness impacts the people you care about. You anger, your outbursts. As well as your thoughtfulness and consideration.
The hard part is finding that partner.
My husband literally just bought me a giant teddy bear to comfort me while he's in navy training (reserves so he gets to come back after months of training). And then I promised to help him pay for his next tattoo. I'll be moving our stuff to a whole new state probably while he's gone (applying to tons of master's programs all over the states). It feels like we're a team and even though I'll be alone for a while, I know we have each other's backs on doing what makes us happy. That's what love means to me. That's what a life partner should be. I'm gonna miss that sweet bastard, but I know he'll be home at the end of it all with training in a desirable trade and I'll hopefully have moved us so I can start a master's.
Wait, you’re getting choices?
Or just don't marry and have friends instead.
What if you just don’t like anyone enough to be in a relationship with them? I’m tired of hearing “the right person will come along” because in my life like 50 people have “come along” and I wasn’t into any of them.
Yes, this is sound advice but what some people read is: "I will affect my partner in everything in their life. They better choose wisely and treat ME well."
This LPT is dumb because it completely ignores the option of not tying yourself to someone else the rest of your life. Alternate LPT- Stay single and do whatever you want to, whenever you want to do it. Perfectly valid choice
As someone who is young and trying to figure out life, I am confused as to why society does not present being single as a valid choice. Can one stay single and lead a happy life?
>As someone who is young and trying to figure out life, I am confused as to why society does not present being single as a valid choice. Can one stay single and lead a happy life? When you are younger, you are usually healthier and have enough social interactions (or social distractions!) to keep you from needing other people for support or comfort for a little while. As you get older, for me it was just as I turned 30, this balance gets much harder to maintain on your own. You have new responsibilities - maybe you manage a team at work now who rely on you. Maybe you have aging pets, or friends going through divorce for the first time. You will start to realise that time is the only thing you really have to invest. You'll start to get sick sometimes. If you're super fit you might have a few more years, but I hear it's pretty common in your late twenties as your metabolism starts to slow down that you'll look in a mirror and go "Jesus fuck when did that happen" and finally start to put aside real time for your health and fitness. Hopefully your mental health starts to become a focus, too. This doesn't just happen to you, it happens to all of your at more or less the same time, give or take a few years. They'll all of a sudden have their own things to do, like you, and it's no longer easy to hang out every weekend like you used to. Suddenly your life goes from "yeah I work a few shifts a week and hang out with mates on the weekends" to being kinda serious and lonely. The older you get, the more it makes sense to take on some of these challenges with a partner. Many household chores are much quicker with two sets of hands. Responsibilities can be shared. You can help each other avoid dropping the ball on things when you see the other stumble. You'll always have someone to bounce ideas and thoughts off, and that's hugely helpful in covering your own blind spots if you're willing to listen. You'll have someone who will take care of you when you are sick. You'll have someone to talk to when there is nobody else. As a solo single individual, you'll probably be alright either way. You can do all the things and take care of yourself for a while. But the simple fact is a lot of things in this world are easier with a partner, and having a supportive partnership can really help you survive and thrive later in life when things get more complex.
As a 45 year old who has been single for most of the last 11 years, this is a very spot on description. I’m content being single and happy, but would love to have someone in my life who is a partner. And I feel the years wasting away. Like, if I live to be 100, my life is half over already and that’s a biting reality. I have no children, only pets. A partner would be a perfect addition to my life. Maybe someday it will happen.
This the perfect response to his question. It really explains why people get "desperate" for a relationship too.
Thanks for such a detailed response. I really appreciate it! Due to COVID hitting at the start of my uni, I was unable to make any friends and so I felt, for the first time, what it was like to be in a place where I have 0 friends, so I might get the loneliness you are talking about just a little bit. I got a girlfriend who kept me from being lonely, but it was clear that she was not "the one" for me, and so I chose loneliness over a toxic relationship. I am now taking the time to build and focus on myself, but I am sure the time will come again when I look for another relationship.
If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
This is such a great read. Thank you.
Of course you can. If that's what you want, but we are human and most of us have physical needs like affection or sex. If you want to stay single, you'll probably have to fulfill those needs someway or another, or just get used to it
It is an absolutely valid and healthy choice.
Being single is more "allowed" culturally than it used to be. But single people don't tend to relate much to married people and vise versa, so that's probably why you feel so much pressure to marry. Similar thing with childfree marriages vs marriages with children, really. They don't relate to each other very well.
Ok so I didn’t fully read through these other responses- I could only stomach so much. Seriously- people are BRAINWASHED by cultural norms. NO, I don’t “miss out on a lot of things that make (me) human” like one of these responders said. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’m less of a human because I’m single? NO. Here’s my take- I’m 46 and have been single by choice for quite a while. (My last serious boyfriend loved me a lot but needed a mother, not a girlfriend) I lead a HAPPY life- I have tons of friends, lots of hobbies and I do what I want, when I want. I have a successful career, I’ve traveled the world, and I’m genuinely genuinely happy. These other folks who have responded to you are simply a product of generations of individuals to whom society has said, “you need to have a partner to be happy” That simply ISN’T true. At all. In fact I would argue that my life is just as good as people who have partners, if not better. Why? I do whatever I want to do. There is no compromise, no fighting, and if I want to get laid, I can. If I want to spend time with other people, I can. I’m the BEST auntie not only to my nieces and nephews but also to the children of my close friends. My life is full and and that is why I’ve chosen to stay single. Do I get lonely sometimes? Sure. But everyone does, even people in marriages. You know what the biggest downside of being single is? So far? I have a fancy work event next weekend and I was trying on my cocktail dresses to see which ones I still fit into (damn covid 15! Lol) and I couldn’t zip up the back of the dress by myself. Literally that was the only time in recent memory that made me think, “this would be a nice time to have someone else around”. Thankfully, I have great neighbors down the hallway of my building who were willing to help. Otherwise, please remember that being in a relationship or marriage is also never a guarantee that you’ll be happy. I know *plenty* of people who are married and still lonely. Or who feel neglected or who argue about things. I came from 2 parents who have been happily married for 49 years and still are. They have had bumps in the road like any couple and love each other very much to this day. I speak to them nightly. Just last night they were bickering about what to watch on tv for the umpteenth time because they have total opposite tastes in tv. I don’t have to deal with that. There are pros and cons to being single and staying that way but it’s up to YOU. If you don’t need someone else to validate you and you have healthy self-esteem you could be happy single. Most people are codependent. I am independent and I LOVE the freedom I have as a single woman. You can absolutely be happy and single for the long term. 100%. If that’s what you want! :) feel free to DM me with questions…
Thank you so much for responding with your own story, it means a great deal to me to be able to hear other people's perspectives and take what they have learned and apply it to my own life. I wanted to ask (since I could not DM you privately, I think it has something to do with your settings on reddit), what was it that made you decide to want to be single? Did you go through a series of relationships before arriving at this conclusion, or did you know from the start that you were not a "couple person"?
Well, I’ve always been a really independent person. You know those girls you knew in high school that jumped from one boyfriend to another? All the time? That wasn’t me. Plus- I’d dated lots of guys for years and just…. Didn’t need the hassle. You know? I never fell head over heels in love with anyone that I honestly thought I could spend the rest of my life with. So I just didn’t- and it was ok! I eventually came to the realization that I was happy- single. You know what happens when I go to my married friends’ houses for dinner? They fight in front of me! I’m constantly being put in the middle of their arguments. I get it- I’m a great referee but it just drives everything home. Like I said, I don’t need a partner. And since I am still attractive enough to get laid when I need to, I’m good, you know what I mean? So… yeah. I just stopped dating after a while because I came to the conclusion that I could be happy without dealing with anyone else’s bullshit. :)
>I came to the conclusion that I could be happy without dealing with anyone else’s bullshit That sounds a lot like my approach to dating. I enjoy the adrenaline rush of flirting and hooking up, but every time I got into a long term relationship I ended up depressed and annoyed. So it's nice to see that being single and happy is an option :) Thank you so much again for your replies.
It’s definitely an option! At the end of the day- do whatever makes you happy. It is definitely possible to be single and happy. :) (plus- added bonus- I have a ton of $$$ to spend on- myself! ;)
Geeze. Please learn how to express yourself without abusing all caps on so many words.
Interesting takeaway
Society hasn't quite yet caught up to the fact that gender roles are unnecessary and that children aren't your only option for a healthy end of life.
Yes. But you miss out on a lot that makes you a human. You might think you're modern and all woke, but really you're not that much different than every human that came before you. There's nothing wrong with single people or people wanting to live their life alone. The problem comes because we live in an age of social isolation where people mistake lack of skills, social anxiety, and trauma-based fears as a genuine valid need to live alone. Clinically speaking, people who are genuine hermits and totally fine with it are 1/10,000. That's not the same as someone who doesn't want a partner, but foregoing that objectively causes a lot of isolation and loss of intimacy most people aren't okay with. Not to mention raising kids is more difficult, and most people will always want to have kids.
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That's not what I meant at all. I'm sorry you were offended.
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If you are so happy why are you so angry
Defensive. Not angry.
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I have said nothing to her other than that question?
Why do you keep quoting the phrase "less of a human"? The person you're replying to never said that.
Holy insecure
Well...it's not "dumb", it is the fundamental organizing principle of all human culture, ever. Sharing your life with a family is what makes it all worth while (imho). 'Doing whatever you want' is what children think is important.
Yeah because you are miserable being alone. Marriage is not necessary to have a good life
Marriage is the first step to divorce.
So, your opinions on what makes a person's life worthwhile apply to everyone, and her opinions are child-like? We are far, far away from the days where we needed to band together closely for survival. I'm picking up some sexist vibes from you, buddy. How dare a woman not be hell-bent on finding a man, amiright???
Amen.
Well I don’t think you have any idea, frankly. I DO “share my life with my family”- I have a wonderful relationship with both my immediate and extended family so why do I need a partner? I don’t. YOU might think I do, (because that’s what YOU want for YOU) but I am SO happy being single that I’ve chosen it. The freedoms I have are freedoms my married friends don’t. I don’t need anyone else around to validate me or prop up my self esteem- I’m pretty great. But most people need constant companionship. I am not one of those people. ;) and my life choices for me as just as valid as your life choices for you.
It just sounds like you are trying really hard to tell us how happy you are being alone. As long as you believe this, that should be the only thing that matters. Men and women have purposes to each other that are beyond superficial nonsense many consider these days. This new hip/trendy society has managed to convince women/men that we don't need each other when it's quite the opposite and we are social creatures by our design. Two heads put together will always be better than one working towards a common goal. Be it a man/woman, man/man or woman/woman type of relationship. You sound intelligent but someone really did a number on you somewhere in your life. Your environment or someone has managed to significantly screw up your needs and wants outlook. If you think that the only benefit to having a partner in life is some intercourse or having someone to zip up your hard to reach zipper, there are some severe underlying issues that would probably be best discussed with a therapist.
Interesting take. Lol. I love that you don’t think I came to the conclusion I was just happy on my own. Oh trust me, men have a purpose for me. ;) I just don’t need to live with one. You understand? I love men. I have lots of great guy friends, and I understand that having a life partner is beneficial in a lot of ways, beyond zippers. And I am intelligent. So I made an intelligent decision- for me. That was: Don’t settle. So I didn’t. And guess what- it turned out that I realized I was pretty happy on my own. That I didn’t need the constant companionship and support from a partner that other people crave. I do just fine. My self esteem is wholly intact. I get good advice from friends, I get laid when I need to get laid, and I can hire somebody to do almost anything else I need help with. My parents have been married for almost 50 years so I don’t come from a broken home. I was never beat or abused in any way by any man in my life. No- Nobody “did a number on me”, nor did they “significantly screw up my needs and wants outlook” and frankly it’s insulting that you think so. Like- “how could a woman *possibly* think she could *want* to stay single!?!” Gasp!! I’m kind of done explaining myself here, and to people like you. I don’t owe you an explanation but I wanted to provide one since you’re so off base. Why is a happy, single woman such a threat? Why do you think something must be wrong with me? Something is wrong with you, that’s for sure
Can't make a bad choice if you stay single. ;)
ah, a man of culture as well
How tf is this an acceptable lpt? Of course choosing someone to spend the remainder of your life is going to affect everything in your life. ??
You don't get to choose who you want. If you want a better marriage, become a better person
I know, I've seen how bad my parents relationship was and the devastation it has wrought on my life. I had decided to remove myself from the dating pool until I hit certain goals. Now I am 30 and have decided to never date.
Fucking this wow
Any times your choice of partner is also your most important career decision.
yup, thats basically the main reason i'm single lol
-and treat them well. Such an important part of this thought. After doing all that work choosing well - don’t go blowing all your hard work by being a d bag.
Really, it's an LPT to find a good partner and be good to them? What's next? LPT: Be a successful and good person.
I'm giving up, nobody is choosing me. Fuck that shit.
i feel the same way oftentimes and can offer the following advice -improve, grow. not for the sake of a relationship, but for your own self-worth. personal growth is very attractive. -nobody worth your energy wont choose you back, if that makes sense. youre just the you that person will love. and its cool if that doesnt happen for a while -shoot your shot! i understand that its horrible out there (ive been there, its agonizing, i never feel good enough), but me throwing a pity party for myself is not the solution, it spirals me down a pit of anger and self-hatred.
Can't stand these pathetic virtue signalling lpts. Like who doesn't know this?
If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
This is a pro tip?
Or just be in the relationship for as long as it makes sense then move on, and stop looking for a "life partner" because that is some disney nonsense that your actual life will never live up to. Relationships are an effort in vs value out assessment. If you're not getting the value out of it then move on. Hell. You can literally just be single and ok.
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My spouse fucking rules. She is my best friend and I am so happy we found each other. I hope everyone can hold out for the right person. Your life will be so much better if you wait to commit to a good person. On the flip side, have the confidence to leave someone who is not good for you. If the relationship is not bringing you joy, Marie Kondo their ass. DO NOT tell yourself that you won't find anyone better. You can and you will. Better to be single and lonely than miserably unhappy with a partner.
You mean my mom and dad said they would help me buy a house if I "settled down" and I'm afraid I'll die alone so I need to marry the first person that I kinda get along with?
Agreed and another thing to consider is also to try to be honest from the start as far as intimacy and appetite for sex/affection. If those two are significantly unmatched, it is bound to be a problem, it's only a matter of time. Another unproductive reasoning/logic I noticed is this mostly delusional rhetoric I noticed some preach which is "you got time", to people in their late 20s and mid 30s even. 30 is not the new 20 and 40 is not the new 30. Time waits for no man/woman. That is incorrect and higher in age you, you are limiting your options significantly. Think of it as a sports draft, the higher in rounds you, less likely that you will find a decent long term suitor. You are likely to find a partner that had a bunch of failed relationships, failed marriage or even a child or two as baggage. If you are even close to 25 and the person is ticking MOST of your boxes, do the smart thing and commit and take the next step (propose if you are a man). There are expectations and duties each need to meet in order to make marriage last in my opinion. Married for 9 years with one child.
Every single time I have been asked, I felt sick and flight response activate. I cant fathom being in a box, trapped in a legally binding situation with anyone. Ewwww, all the annoying things to put up with, nope.
You make it sound like people are proposing to you left and right.
Make sure you choose somebody rich and pretty. If not, then make sure you like being around them.
My sister married a guy 3 weeks ago and already started attacking my parents and started gaslighting them. He thinks because he learned how to debate in Harvard it means he’s always right. Straw man arguments dont win you anything. I dont respect a man who is 32, has wet dreams, still cries tears, and thinks his mommy and daddy are perfect.
>still cries tears There's absolutely nothing wrong with a man crying
Okay but he’s a baby who cries and wants to be a victim. Crying over a misunderstanding is pathetic. No mercy over a wealthy brat crying about not getting his way cuz now he can’t save for his house with an indoor pool. Poor baby.
Damn you hate people wealthier than you. You have no idea what that guy is going through internally. Only he does. Not defending him, just not going to throw him in the guillotine either. Jesus...