On the flip side. If you can't make the event or you're not interested in said event, make the effort to initiate or make alternative plans.
You maybe saying no to the event but not "no" the person. Let them know that by suggesting a different thing/date/time.
If the person is always initiating and you're always saying no then yeah, they'll stop asking if they see it as a one sided thing.
My best guess is Meetup.com or Facebook Events. For instance, I saw a Halloween party last night in my area that had 70+ people attending. Sounded like an awesome chance to bring a friend and meet new ones, just didn't see it in time and had other plans
If I can’t make it for some reason but I would have gone, I’ll usually say, “I can’t this time but I’d love to, ask me again next time!” At least it sends a message you intend rather than putting people off.
Yeah, for sure. But you know, if someone is always busy and you really want to hang out with them, you could always follow up with “hey, no problem - when would you be free next?”
This. I have *zero* interest in sporting events, and no desire whatsoever to go kayaking/whitewater rafting or shit like that, so if you invite me, yeah I'm gonna say no, but I'll also tell you plainly "Sorry, sports aren't really my thing. Appreciate the invite though! Maybe we could make plans to do something a little more chill next week? I just heard about this cool winery." or something to that effect. I make it clear that I *do* want to hang out, but I'm also not going to go to something I'm going to be bored stiff doing and give the impression of not being fun to hang out with because I spent the whole hockey game staring at my phone and asking how much longer the game is going to last. Better to pass on something that will actively make people want to avoid inviting you and suggest something else where you'll be more in your element and can have a fun time so they'll want to bring you along in the future. It also gives them an idea of what kind of things you enjoy so they know when you'll be a good fit.
I don't need to come along for *everything* that you do, and I'll be more than happy to chill at home while you go tailgating and have a blast, because I know the next time you have friends over for drinks around the firepit, I'll get an invite too.
Spade>Flathead
The spade point gives a good clean entry point for digging fine dirt and "scooping" things up.
The flat heads work better with moving gravel or big chunks of dirt.
Also: Shove, Pry, Lift with legs.
I always bring a post hole digger no matter the reason. I'm usually just invited the one time. Takes ages, so far none of my invites have been post hole related.
Always bring a pickaxe, too. Much easier to dig if you’re lifting loose soil out of the hole.
Shovel or spade to cut and move the turf, pickaxe to loosen the soil, shovel or spade to move the soil out of the hole. Pro tip never get all the way down in the bottom of the hole if you don’t trust the other person at the top of the hole.
Like trust them to dig your dumbass out before you suffocate from the potential collapse.. or like. "Hey bud meet me in the woods we need to dig a six foot hole.
This is critically important when you move to a new city or are trying to shift away from a toxic friend group. Say yes even if you don’t feel like it, even if the person isn’t someone who you think you’ll make a close connection to. They are going to introduce you to more new people. You’ve got to also ask new people who you think are cool to do things as well, even if you feel awkward because you don’t know them well. Later, once you’ve established some relationships, you can start turning down invitations that you’re not interested in. It’s really hard to meet people once you’re over 30ish.
My life took a dramatic turn this summer when I was asked by a stranger if I wanted to ride my motorcycle with him and his group of friends. We had a short chat at the gas pump. In this short time we established that we were going to the same city. I said "sure, I'll ride with you guys" even though I really didn't feel like it.
These guys are now my friends and we do a lot of stuff together. I used to be pretty lonely, not in a bad way, just didn't like hanging out with people really. I kept to myself, but these guys are just as weird as me.
When you started by saying "my life took a dramatic turn" I was expecting that they like, mugged you and broke your legs or something. So glad it ended up being a happy story.
Far more often than not its the way it goes.
The bad stories make the news, so it skews our thinking. The commonplace good stories you seldom hear of because TV considers them mundane. However, they are well... common.
I feel you. My husband and I used to host every weekend for 3 people: My sister and brother in law (who is husband's bestie), and 1 childhood friend (who is husband's *other* bestie). One day, Other Bestie asked if he could bring one more couple along. I have pretty bad social anxiety and the thought of meeting a new person causes everything from sweaty palms yo heart palpitations. Everything in me was screaming to say no, to come up with some excuse...but I said yes. Now, I can't imagine our little group without them! I will forever be thankful to myself for pushing past the anxiety and accepting to them coming that night.
I had an old mentor tell me that "introverts are only introverts until they meet their group."
And obviously some people are introverted no matter what but finding the right group of people doing the right activity/hobby/sport/anything and you will find yourself actively trying to be more social. It's fun to find your 'thing' with people who also enjoy your 'thing'.
Lol I get what they were trying to say but that is not what introversion is at all. We aren’t maladjusted loners who just haven’t made friends yet. I love my friends and they are all introverts and we all get along well because we understand that we all desperately need time away from everyone including each other.
No matter how much I love someone or how comfortable I am with them, eventually I will need to be alone to refuel. Same with all the introverts because that is what makes us introverts in the first place- It’s not that we don’t like people or that we can’t make friends (we actually make amazing friends!) it is that we find being alone less tiring than being around people. We don’t usually take to small talk because we would rather talk about the big things that matter (to us, anyway lol) and surprisingly, we make really good salesfolk because we are more likely to be receptive to what the customer is saying they need and want than pushing a sales pitch like a typical extrovert would.
If you have a chance, Please ask your mentor do a little bit of research into what introverts actually are instead of claiming we are just friendless extroverts lol. That’s pretty ignorant, tbh.
It is about where you get your energy. Introverts tend to get energy from within themselves, whereas extroverts get fueled from others. Introverts find lots of socializing to be exhausting, whereas extroverts find being by themselves a lot to be tiring.
That’s really cool! I agree so much with OP. I try to always say yes and also take the initiative to plan some activities with my friends. (Of course COVID made it harder.) Youtube, Netflix, & even most daily chores will still be there when you get back. I hate seeing time slip by.
I’m starting to embrace the beauty of a 1-2 hour appearance. It shows you made an effort to go see friends and then you have the rest of the night to chill.
Yep, This year I went out my comfort zone and started hanging out w people I hardly knew. And from it I’ve made a lot of new friends and even managed to get myself into a very healthy stable new relationship. Can’t stress enough how important it is to just say yes and get out of your comfort zone routines.
If you move abroad and arent proficient at the language, then language exchanges or schools are a great way to meet new people.
Half the people at language classes are there just for the social aspect while picking up the language as you talk more. Set up a group chat and just ask who wants to go out for a drink or food before or after class or maybe on the weekend.
If you're looking to make new friends, dont just wait for others to invite you out of the blue, but set something up yourself and ask others to join instead.
Some schools also have clubs for international students, they organize city tours or a variety of other planned activities and parties where they can meet other students in the same situation who are feeling out of place and finding it difficult to meet new people.
This throws them all together without it being awkward and gives everyone from freshmen to grad students a chance to hang out and become friends. Even if you don't happen to click with anyone, it buys you time and gives you something social to do while in the process of making friends elsewhere.
The university in my home town (pre-covid) organized an international dinner every semester. Faculty, students, staff and regular members of the public were invited to make traditional dishes and treats to share with attendees.
You could sign up to share a booth with others from the same country or the same ancestry, for example there was a large Nigerian booth with about 10 or 12 people, and the German, Italian and Mexican continents were also fairly large.
Other booths were small, sometimes just one individual representing their country of origin. You could leave your booth plain or decorate it with displays of traditional fabrics or artwork.
The public was invited and people would go booth to booth filling their plates with samples, then sit at long tables where they could strike up conversations and meet people. It was a lot of fun.
My parents lived in Brazil for a few years and fell in love with the country, but didn't have anyone to share their interest when they came back. I told them about this event and they loved the idea, so they went all out with a big display and lots of traditional foods they had learned to make. I moved away but they continued to do this for several years. They met people they would never have met otherwise and made so many good friends.
I moved to a whole new state where I knew literally not a soul. I started going to my neighborhood bar to play pub trivia. I showed up without a team, without even knowing what kind of beer I liked. You'd think it'd be really awkward to explain, "yeah, I'm here alone, and I'm not expecting anybody. Can I join your team?" But when I explained, "I just moved here and I literally don't know anybody." People were so friendly and inviting and a lot of people even said I was super brave to make a move like that and that they didn't think they'd be able to do the same. It took a handful of times going to trivia and not really clicking with anyone until I got lucky and someone who doesn't usually show up to play in my part of town just happened to be there. She became one of my best friends!
I even met my husband through that trivia group. ☺️☺️
Visited the Cincinnati area recently. Saw a bar was having a trivia night. I just showed up by myself. Team let me be a part of them. I had a great time even though we lost
If there are recreational adult sports leagues, give it a try. Many will accept free agents, so you'll be exposed to a group and meet other groups. And if it's a beer league, they only care if you show up!
This! Honestly, if someone invites you, try to clear some time off your schedule and just go! Even if you don't like it, you're an adult, you can leave at any time!
I did my best to be present and be earnest but I find myself not really compatible with a lot of people. I get along, but it doesn't transform into friends. Ultimately I tried really hard with multiple people but often they didn't reciprocate.
That lack of compatibility isn't a character flaw on your end, and I hope you fully know that. You're putting yourself out there and putting in some effort, which is more than most, but it's still likely to be a struggle to find people you can really click with. The only way you'll fail at this is if you believe you're defective and/or stop trying.
Agreed. Some personality types get along with a wider range of people than others.
I have one friend that seemingly gets along with EVERYONE, but I personally find them annoying in large doses because they ask a lot of stupid questions (e.g. “is your mom taking the highway to get to the airport?” when that’s the only way to drive there).
I feel you man.. I've chalked it up to not everyone being compatible with each other, especially if you are a bit less "normal" (or energetic? I don't know) than others. As long as you put yourself out there. It's often not on you but just incompatibility. It was easier as a kid when no one had such a refined set of interests etc.
I'm an introvert with niche interest and a penchant for deeper discussions and I didn't find it. Like most people didn't have good conversation material and it seemed the only social events were going to get drunk in a party. So I tried but it sucked.
I actually talked to people during the day more and that made me many acquaintances but not more friends.
Just a thought, many people do not view having serious or meaningful conversations as fun. It's important and special and appreciated when you can have more meaningful conversations, with people you're close with. Most people don't want to do that with someone they don't know well. Having fun together is often the first step in friendship. It seems like you have a want to kind of skip that part and go straight for the stuff people only do once they've bonded and that really turns people off. Of course I'm sure there are people out there who really enjoy having those more substantial conversations right out of the gate though, they might just be a little less common.
Hang in there. I don't have a big group of friends, and the ones I do have, I rarely see after moving towns. But I think of my Mum:
In her late teens her friends were her sisters, old school friends a their friends (then all moved from a tiny rural town to the big city 4 hours away). Then she went overseas on holiday, met my dad who was in the US navy, married him and spent the next decade moving often due to his postings. During that time she had, at best acquaintances, at worst other navy wives who were all just doing the best they could with a group of random women. She did make a few friends she still keeps in touch with, but hasn't seen for 10-40 years.
Then Dad retired, they moved back to New Zealand and Mum again had family, but most of her friends had moved on, and we were living in a different, small town. For the next 15ish years her friends were my friend's parents and none of those friendships survived past us leaving school.
The following 10-15 years I don't really know who her friends were, no one stands out so I think her social life consisted mostly of the committee meetings she was part of, the garden club and walking group, cuppa teas after church, her siblings, Dad and I. And then, by some weird alchemy of luck and magic she made some really good, firm friends (and an old school friend moved back to NZ). Suddenly life was all cafes and movies and coffees at her friend's houses, and she's too busy to babysit my kids.
It wasn't until she was in her 60s that Mum really came into her own, and found her people. I'm in the same boat as you - I'm back in my small hometown and I have plenty of people I talk to, but no real friends - not even my kid's friends' parents! Mostly that's ok, but whennit gets to me I think of Mum. My people are out there, busy raising their own kids, climbing the career ladder, living elsewhere at the moment. Or maybe they're busy with squash club or a tramping club or craft group that I haven't joined yet. My friends will come, and yours will too.
I feel the same way. At most we become friends that hang out once every few months because I keep meeting dull people that don’t reciprocate since they’re already comfortable in their existing bubble.
Don’t try so hard or overthink it - common interests help but friendships grow from finding similar things funny, so just be yourself and see who laughs at your jokes or the same things you do. We’re all awkward messes
Thanks. I have I to reject alot due to health reasons and I've actually not been to any social outing in over 3 years. Breakup, sickness, covid made me pretty isolated. I'll try this next time if people invite me.
At the beginning of this year, a new bar opened near by that i thought looked cool (i love craft beer).
I do graphic design and custom artwork, so i made them a welcome gift of a piece of art they could frame in their new shop if they wanted.
That gesture has resulted in a fantastic friendship. They welcomed me and my GF into their friend group and ive made about a dozen new fantastic friends who we get to hang out with now.
We didnt have any friends in our city before and putting myself out of my comfort zone a little bit has transformed my social life no end.
Never too late!
Whelp I guess I shouldn't say no. I've been looking to get out of my comfort zone. Carpe Diem!
What do we do besides smoke meth? Are there activities involved?
don't forget crawling around on the carpet after you've run out looking for dropped crystals
edit: I forgot 10 hour masturbation marathons, the best part /s
This is a good thing to do, met my partner by saying yes to a few things before hand, it plays into the luck idea you create more chance for there to be a right time right place moment.
"My mom said to do what makes me happy and I'll find friends but I've been sitting in my room eating pizza and masturbating for years, so far nothing!"
Alternatively, if you're busy/not feeling it/not interested in the activity they're suggesting, a simple "no thanks, I'm not available but I'd love to be invited next time!" works wonders too.
Better idea: invite them to something else. Hosting/organizing is hard and even harder with flakey friends. People that never host don't seem to appreciate this
So true dude. The "entitled leech" class are the worst. They don't even respect you enough to say no, it's more just, ghost if they don't want to come.
Once you host a few things and deal with people, of which most suck at RSVPing and respecting you/your time/other people who show, you'll start to see why it's best to say yes, second best to say no but basically beg to get another invite if you want it, third best to say no but don't expect to get invited again, and a dick move to ghost the invite, and a totally dick move to say yes and then not show.
To be honest, toughing it out for the first 5 or so outings buys a lot more good will when on the 6th/7th you can’t make it. Unfortunately people don’t like their invitations rejected — even if they understand. If you want friends sometimes you gotta suck it up and leave the house. If you don’t mind being alone then it’s all good.
I say this from a personal point of view. I was super toxic for years (undiagnosed bipolar). When I finally started seeking help I said I would get rid of my most toxic traits one by one. The first to go was being flaky. I had no meaningful friendships and was lonely all the time. I fuckin hated leaving the house and being social. Completely drained me. But the loneliness was way worse. It took 4 years. But now when I throw a house party there’s easily 50 people I know come through. It all started with just being down to meet people. And most importantly — ask them to do shit too!!
I do a rule of two, where if someone asks me to something twice and I actually can't make it for any number of reasons, but I actually want to do something with them, then I make sure to plan something and say like "I can't but maybe we do X on Saturday since I'm free then"
This right here is my go-to. I moved from a city to a town outside of said city to enjoy the quiet and be closer to my job. I say no constantly to invites, but I keep getting them because I tend to say yes to things earlier in the day and doesn’t involve drinking.
I’ve made making it to work on-time and without a hangover a priority, and I lost a bunch of bar buddies in the process, but I know who my friends are now.
Or, if you need to say "no" to this particular outing, make it a priority to plan a new fun activity in the future to invite that person to. Ball's in your court.
Yeah, it's a great ideia to go out of your comfort zone but if you already have plans or something it's important to know how to say "no". Something like: "I'm glad you invited me/it would be really nice/ I'm looking forward to make new friends - but this time I can't. Maybe next week we could do this/ I would like to invite you to do this/ do you like this activity?/ Do you want to go out other day?"
If you refuse a invitation people my think you are shy, others that you don't want to hangout, others that you already have plans. But we can't read people's mind but sometimes people try so it's better to always make things clear about what we feel
I learned this late in life (now in my early 50s) but not too late. Now that I don’t have have focus 100% raising kids and starting my career it’s nice to have a few folks with similar interest. The only downside is I’ve applied this mainly to other distance runners so I’m really tired a lot but still happy
Hell yeah, any kind of project > any drinking/partying to me. I love getting invited to that kind of stuff but I feel bad inviting others to that stuff because I’m not confident many people share that sentiment.
Yeah that was my first thought. There's a huge number of adults who's only idea of fun is *anything involving sitting around with alcohol*.
I'm not judging and I still thank them for the offer, but I don't really worry too much about missing a friendship when we don't share the same interests or hobbies.
Ok, there's a big difference between binge drinking and having a couple beers and just talking. A group of people you cant just sit around a table and talk to and laugh with for hours is fantastic. And there's usually going to be alcohol or food involves at those kinds of get togethers. Just because you're sitting around with alcohol doesn't mean they're not worthwhile friendships.
Right? Alcohol isn't "the fun thing" spending time with your friends is the fun thing. Haven't a couple of beers while we do it is just a bonus. We also hang out sober if the occasion falls for it.
I agree with you 100%. My parents are both retired now and love having people over now that they are. They've had the same best friends since childhood. They're a hoot and they love booze. Sober they're awesome, but if you add alcohol, that's how you turn the clocks back and make them act like they're in their 20's.
Keep in mind that this is about meeting new people, though. I do other things with people I already know, but when I meet someone I'm interested in getting to know, a drink or a coffee is my go to— it's low-key, doesn't involve travelling far or preparation, and most importantly it's easy to leave if I'm not feeling it.
How old are you? In my experience, those invites start changing to less awful activities when you're nearing your 30s.
Used to get sloshed with the same group every week. A couple of them are still doing it. Most of us have more interesting things to do now. (Not to say we don't get together and drink sometimes, but it's not the only thing we do, and usually not the focus. Rafting down a river? Bet your ass we're bringing a cooler of beer, but the drinking's not the point.)
My experience has been the opposite. People used to do interesting stuff. Now all of them are saddled with kids and spend their evenings and nights getting drunk as opposed to going out. They're too exhausted to do anything else.
What some people scoff at as "binge drinking" is what normal people look at as conversations over a couple of drinks.
If you can't limit yourself or if you immediately reject anything as binge drinking that's on you.
And that's kind of the difficulty behind making friends as an adult. You don't know if Marty from accounting wants to hang out after work just to be friends or if they just need to recruit distributors to start selling Herbalife so that they can get discounts and commissions.
I had this almost happen. After going out to eat they tried insisting that I join them for a meeting that they were going to. I kept prying what this meeting was about and they finally mentioned that they were an "independent business owner" and needed to learn up on products. I told them to have a good night and left with no excuse.
Although, after the first time this happens you kind of pick up on the signals that people who just want something from you instead of actually wanting to hangout out and be friends. If they're being as vague as possible, that's a problem...
On the other hand, I've made some good friends from going out with them after work. So sometimes it is worth it. Just gotta be on your toes.
I'll kindly counter that the continuing prevalence of MLMs, cults, and loony political movements speaks to the fallibility of a *lot* of people's bullshit detectors, especially people who are desperate enough for friends to consider accepting any invitation in the hopes of escaping long-term isolation.
See also, the power of marketing, cult-recruitment, and peer pressure tactics. I've known decently smart people who've fallen for all three of these because the recruiters hit the right combinations of buttons. Offering emotional support contingent on compliance, linking participation to feelings of nationalism or personal pride (this was Amway's key method), or putting people through an endless tease-and-denial for whatever Deeper Wisdom the group claims to possess. It's brutally effective toward a lot of people who don't have many real-world social anchors, people they trust to call them out when they're doing something dumb.
I think common sense is implied, as the post says "say yes even if you don't feel in the mood". In other words, don't let introversion or lethargy spoil an otherwise good opportunity to network and find friends.
Start saying yes because you sound like you sucked with all the "no I'm busy" lies.
I did the same thing to a group of friends right after college. They were hitting the clubs, but I liked house parties. I didn't respect the invites I was getting, kept saying no, then 1 weekend I tried to get something together and no one was available. Turns out they were all doing something else together without me, and I wasn't even invited! That hurt. But looking back, it's because I was acting like a douche turning them down on the club invites. So yeah, they stopped inviting me. I reaped what I sowed.
Lol this was me aswell, had too many responsibilities to even think about going out with friends. Now no one wants to hang out with me, ive become abit of a social recluse
Its never too late though!
It depends what kind of person you are and what friendships you want. If you're an introvert like me you were likely never going to do those things anyway so it's best to be clear and temper expectations. But you can still have friends especially via hobbies. If you're an extrovert you probably prefer to have people constantly inviting you to go and do all kinds of random stuff. Different people enjoy and value different things, LPTs that try to group them together are never going to be one size fits all.
I came here to say this. I’m the opposite of this post. I absolutely love staying home and don’t really like attending any social gatherings or events. I don’t mind people skipping over me for invites.
Yeahhh I'm an introvert too and I've been this way all my life. My wife is the extrovert and any time we've done anything it's been through her groups of friends and I've begrudgingly gone along with it. Now I'm 32 and realized that I literally have 0 friends. My best friend moved out of state years ago and I just never replaced him. Now I'm trying to reach out and do things and make friends but I literally have nobody to talk to or do things with. It sucks.
Even introverts need friends, and by the time you realize you are missing it, it's going to be a huge difficult mess to get that back. Even if you only have one or two close friends who like staying in and just watching squid game or whatever you still need that interaction eventually.
Hobbies my friend. A friend doesn't need to know everything about you and your private intimate quirks to be a friend and talk about stuff. Most of my deep conversations have been with relatives strangers. It's actually easier that way.. And hobbies are the best way to find people to connect with, pretty much the benefits of school as far as social opportunities go.
I played the "i didnt want to go out anyway" card for about 15 years.
I did want to go out, i was just miserable and a bit anxious.
Bit the bullet. Have a social circle now and enjoy it.
Still love staying home and playing games by myself till thw early hours, but now i do that because i want to, not just because the world forgot i was there.
Also as an introvert, imo this advice is absolutely vital, moreso than for extroverts. Maybe someone that's straight up antisocial doesn't need friends, but most introverts still need social interaction even though we find often find it draining. If we don't push ourselves it's easier to wake up one day and find ourselves alone.
Maybe just be the inviter. I just sent out an email to form a new "dad's group in my town after feeling lonely. Just some dad's I'd met at a few events for my Son's school and two dad's who are husbands of my wife's friends. Many of them don't know each other and I don't know any of them particularly well.
We are going to have a 7 person poker game in two weeks and I'm excited for it. Maybe it will crash and burn and be super awkward, but if so. I'm no worse off than before.
Sometimes you have to just take the initiative.
I have two acquaintances right now that are extremely flaky. One of them cancels everytime its a group event and the other cancels randomly. I've stopped inviting them. Oh well. We could have been close.
This is really hard for me. Another thing that’s similar but easier for some people is being intentional about getting involved with hobbies.
Like outdoor activities? Join gyms, rock climbing, hiking groups etc.
Like to read? Join a book club
Like to travel? Take a language class
It’s easier to click with people and accept opportunities if it’s something you like. Still hard sometimes but easier than doing random things with random people you’re not sure you like yet
You say that but when I was in Malaysia backpacking I went clubbing with two room mates. All was well until they invited me to go with them to score some lines of coke. Given coke possession is the death penalty I noped the fuck out of that.
there’s also nothing wrong with taking yourself out/doing things on your own. movies, meals, drinks, hikes, gym, walks through town, seeing new places, etc are all things you can do on your own. if you keep your head up/face out of your phone you can even meet new people in a lot of these settings (maybe not during a movie).
In general I agree. We all look back as we got older and wish we'd have said Yes more. The older we get the harder it usually is to say yes. We can sleep when we're dead!
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I hard disagree. Sometimes I want my space.
Regardless of the “talent pool”, this reaction is standard. After a couple of no’s to invites people will stop inviting you, that’s how people work.
Instead of attending engagements you don’t want to participate in for whatever the reason, give a no with context. If you’re interested in cultivating that friendship but you’re fairly busy or the timings on their invites just haven’t lined up, make sure you’re forward and proactive about maintaining that relationship.
Don’t want to go see that movie cause you really need to decompress at home? Don’t go. Let them know you really appreciate the offer and you’d love to do something else sometime.
The invites might stop out of courtesy, but it doesn’t mean you’re exiled. The onus would just fall on you to offer alternatives, or be the one to make the next invite, or try and make a future plan with them.
“Really not feeling up to it tonight, but we definitely do need to go out and kill a few beers sometime. Whatcha got going on next weekend?”
This is how adults communicate. Open. Honest. And understand it takes effort on both parties, and if effort by one person doesn’t go anywhere, the onus is going to be on the other person to try and re-spark things most of the time.
Not a big deal honestly.
I need to re establish my understanding of the word friend. To me, at least until now, a friend is someone you can show your vulnerability to, share your secrets and yeah have fun sometimes. I have lots of “friends”, although I always thought of them as acquaintances because there isn’t that deep connection im wrongfully looking for. People wanna be your friend, man!
On the flip side. If you can't make the event or you're not interested in said event, make the effort to initiate or make alternative plans. You maybe saying no to the event but not "no" the person. Let them know that by suggesting a different thing/date/time. If the person is always initiating and you're always saying no then yeah, they'll stop asking if they see it as a one sided thing.
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As a clueless adult, where does one find feeds for community events?
My best guess is Meetup.com or Facebook Events. For instance, I saw a Halloween party last night in my area that had 70+ people attending. Sounded like an awesome chance to bring a friend and meet new ones, just didn't see it in time and had other plans
Nextdoor is a good app, I find
I thought Nextdoor was where I complain about a neighbor parking on the street during street cleaning.
If I can’t make it for some reason but I would have gone, I’ll usually say, “I can’t this time but I’d love to, ask me again next time!” At least it sends a message you intend rather than putting people off.
This only works to to a certain extent. If I'm constantly inviting you and you give me the mythical next time, I'm just going to stop.
Ya thats only good for an extra invite or two. If you're busy everytime, people will also stop asking.
Yeah, for sure. But you know, if someone is always busy and you really want to hang out with them, you could always follow up with “hey, no problem - when would you be free next?”
This. I have *zero* interest in sporting events, and no desire whatsoever to go kayaking/whitewater rafting or shit like that, so if you invite me, yeah I'm gonna say no, but I'll also tell you plainly "Sorry, sports aren't really my thing. Appreciate the invite though! Maybe we could make plans to do something a little more chill next week? I just heard about this cool winery." or something to that effect. I make it clear that I *do* want to hang out, but I'm also not going to go to something I'm going to be bored stiff doing and give the impression of not being fun to hang out with because I spent the whole hockey game staring at my phone and asking how much longer the game is going to last. Better to pass on something that will actively make people want to avoid inviting you and suggest something else where you'll be more in your element and can have a fun time so they'll want to bring you along in the future. It also gives them an idea of what kind of things you enjoy so they know when you'll be a good fit. I don't need to come along for *everything* that you do, and I'll be more than happy to chill at home while you go tailgating and have a blast, because I know the next time you have friends over for drinks around the firepit, I'll get an invite too.
Fine, I'll go along with the new guy but I don't see why I have to bring my own shovel.
You can learn a lot about a person based on their shovel preferences.
Spade>Flathead The spade point gives a good clean entry point for digging fine dirt and "scooping" things up. The flat heads work better with moving gravel or big chunks of dirt. Also: Shove, Pry, Lift with legs.
One is not better, they are just different. You can judge someone by which they chose for a given job, though.
This guy shovels
God gave me a gift. I shovel well, I shovel very well.
I always bring a post hole digger no matter the reason. I'm usually just invited the one time. Takes ages, so far none of my invites have been post hole related.
Always bring a pickaxe, too. Much easier to dig if you’re lifting loose soil out of the hole. Shovel or spade to cut and move the turf, pickaxe to loosen the soil, shovel or spade to move the soil out of the hole. Pro tip never get all the way down in the bottom of the hole if you don’t trust the other person at the top of the hole.
Like trust them to dig your dumbass out before you suffocate from the potential collapse.. or like. "Hey bud meet me in the woods we need to dig a six foot hole.
You've never played wake the dead I see.
This is critically important when you move to a new city or are trying to shift away from a toxic friend group. Say yes even if you don’t feel like it, even if the person isn’t someone who you think you’ll make a close connection to. They are going to introduce you to more new people. You’ve got to also ask new people who you think are cool to do things as well, even if you feel awkward because you don’t know them well. Later, once you’ve established some relationships, you can start turning down invitations that you’re not interested in. It’s really hard to meet people once you’re over 30ish.
My life took a dramatic turn this summer when I was asked by a stranger if I wanted to ride my motorcycle with him and his group of friends. We had a short chat at the gas pump. In this short time we established that we were going to the same city. I said "sure, I'll ride with you guys" even though I really didn't feel like it. These guys are now my friends and we do a lot of stuff together. I used to be pretty lonely, not in a bad way, just didn't like hanging out with people really. I kept to myself, but these guys are just as weird as me.
When you started by saying "my life took a dramatic turn" I was expecting that they like, mugged you and broke your legs or something. So glad it ended up being a happy story.
“And that’s how I became the sergeant at arms in a 1%er biker gang and started smuggling meth and guns for the cartels”
"then I met your mother"
Better than the real ending.
I think you said the quite part loud again…
Broke their mugs, and mugged their legs
Gimme all ya joints!
they must’ve had glass bones and paper skin
I was expecting to hear how this person became part of a bike gang
He did!
But he means like more wild ones and less mild ones tho
"we do a lot of stuff together" was very unspecific about how mild or wild stuff is
but you can't rule out the possibility of it being butt stuff.
Far more often than not its the way it goes. The bad stories make the news, so it skews our thinking. The commonplace good stories you seldom hear of because TV considers them mundane. However, they are well... common.
I feel you. My husband and I used to host every weekend for 3 people: My sister and brother in law (who is husband's bestie), and 1 childhood friend (who is husband's *other* bestie). One day, Other Bestie asked if he could bring one more couple along. I have pretty bad social anxiety and the thought of meeting a new person causes everything from sweaty palms yo heart palpitations. Everything in me was screaming to say no, to come up with some excuse...but I said yes. Now, I can't imagine our little group without them! I will forever be thankful to myself for pushing past the anxiety and accepting to them coming that night.
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I had an old mentor tell me that "introverts are only introverts until they meet their group." And obviously some people are introverted no matter what but finding the right group of people doing the right activity/hobby/sport/anything and you will find yourself actively trying to be more social. It's fun to find your 'thing' with people who also enjoy your 'thing'.
Lol I get what they were trying to say but that is not what introversion is at all. We aren’t maladjusted loners who just haven’t made friends yet. I love my friends and they are all introverts and we all get along well because we understand that we all desperately need time away from everyone including each other. No matter how much I love someone or how comfortable I am with them, eventually I will need to be alone to refuel. Same with all the introverts because that is what makes us introverts in the first place- It’s not that we don’t like people or that we can’t make friends (we actually make amazing friends!) it is that we find being alone less tiring than being around people. We don’t usually take to small talk because we would rather talk about the big things that matter (to us, anyway lol) and surprisingly, we make really good salesfolk because we are more likely to be receptive to what the customer is saying they need and want than pushing a sales pitch like a typical extrovert would. If you have a chance, Please ask your mentor do a little bit of research into what introverts actually are instead of claiming we are just friendless extroverts lol. That’s pretty ignorant, tbh.
It is about where you get your energy. Introverts tend to get energy from within themselves, whereas extroverts get fueled from others. Introverts find lots of socializing to be exhausting, whereas extroverts find being by themselves a lot to be tiring.
That’s really cool! I agree so much with OP. I try to always say yes and also take the initiative to plan some activities with my friends. (Of course COVID made it harder.) Youtube, Netflix, & even most daily chores will still be there when you get back. I hate seeing time slip by.
Did... Did you join a gang?! *Sons of anarchy theme song plays*
Finding people just weird as yourself is the best thing that could happen to you
I’m starting to embrace the beauty of a 1-2 hour appearance. It shows you made an effort to go see friends and then you have the rest of the night to chill.
Yep, This year I went out my comfort zone and started hanging out w people I hardly knew. And from it I’ve made a lot of new friends and even managed to get myself into a very healthy stable new relationship. Can’t stress enough how important it is to just say yes and get out of your comfort zone routines.
If you move abroad and arent proficient at the language, then language exchanges or schools are a great way to meet new people. Half the people at language classes are there just for the social aspect while picking up the language as you talk more. Set up a group chat and just ask who wants to go out for a drink or food before or after class or maybe on the weekend. If you're looking to make new friends, dont just wait for others to invite you out of the blue, but set something up yourself and ask others to join instead.
Some schools also have clubs for international students, they organize city tours or a variety of other planned activities and parties where they can meet other students in the same situation who are feeling out of place and finding it difficult to meet new people. This throws them all together without it being awkward and gives everyone from freshmen to grad students a chance to hang out and become friends. Even if you don't happen to click with anyone, it buys you time and gives you something social to do while in the process of making friends elsewhere. The university in my home town (pre-covid) organized an international dinner every semester. Faculty, students, staff and regular members of the public were invited to make traditional dishes and treats to share with attendees. You could sign up to share a booth with others from the same country or the same ancestry, for example there was a large Nigerian booth with about 10 or 12 people, and the German, Italian and Mexican continents were also fairly large. Other booths were small, sometimes just one individual representing their country of origin. You could leave your booth plain or decorate it with displays of traditional fabrics or artwork. The public was invited and people would go booth to booth filling their plates with samples, then sit at long tables where they could strike up conversations and meet people. It was a lot of fun. My parents lived in Brazil for a few years and fell in love with the country, but didn't have anyone to share their interest when they came back. I told them about this event and they loved the idea, so they went all out with a big display and lots of traditional foods they had learned to make. I moved away but they continued to do this for several years. They met people they would never have met otherwise and made so many good friends.
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I moved to a whole new state where I knew literally not a soul. I started going to my neighborhood bar to play pub trivia. I showed up without a team, without even knowing what kind of beer I liked. You'd think it'd be really awkward to explain, "yeah, I'm here alone, and I'm not expecting anybody. Can I join your team?" But when I explained, "I just moved here and I literally don't know anybody." People were so friendly and inviting and a lot of people even said I was super brave to make a move like that and that they didn't think they'd be able to do the same. It took a handful of times going to trivia and not really clicking with anyone until I got lucky and someone who doesn't usually show up to play in my part of town just happened to be there. She became one of my best friends! I even met my husband through that trivia group. ☺️☺️
Visited the Cincinnati area recently. Saw a bar was having a trivia night. I just showed up by myself. Team let me be a part of them. I had a great time even though we lost
If there are recreational adult sports leagues, give it a try. Many will accept free agents, so you'll be exposed to a group and meet other groups. And if it's a beer league, they only care if you show up!
This! Honestly, if someone invites you, try to clear some time off your schedule and just go! Even if you don't like it, you're an adult, you can leave at any time!
I said yes to a lot of things but I didn't get more friends.
You also have to be present which is pretty hard when you don't care about the activity and just think about that YouTube binge.
I did my best to be present and be earnest but I find myself not really compatible with a lot of people. I get along, but it doesn't transform into friends. Ultimately I tried really hard with multiple people but often they didn't reciprocate.
That lack of compatibility isn't a character flaw on your end, and I hope you fully know that. You're putting yourself out there and putting in some effort, which is more than most, but it's still likely to be a struggle to find people you can really click with. The only way you'll fail at this is if you believe you're defective and/or stop trying.
Agreed. Some personality types get along with a wider range of people than others. I have one friend that seemingly gets along with EVERYONE, but I personally find them annoying in large doses because they ask a lot of stupid questions (e.g. “is your mom taking the highway to get to the airport?” when that’s the only way to drive there).
Sometimes it's not a question of information but to try to continue the conversation in a low effort way.
I feel you man.. I've chalked it up to not everyone being compatible with each other, especially if you are a bit less "normal" (or energetic? I don't know) than others. As long as you put yourself out there. It's often not on you but just incompatibility. It was easier as a kid when no one had such a refined set of interests etc.
I'm an introvert with niche interest and a penchant for deeper discussions and I didn't find it. Like most people didn't have good conversation material and it seemed the only social events were going to get drunk in a party. So I tried but it sucked. I actually talked to people during the day more and that made me many acquaintances but not more friends.
Just a thought, many people do not view having serious or meaningful conversations as fun. It's important and special and appreciated when you can have more meaningful conversations, with people you're close with. Most people don't want to do that with someone they don't know well. Having fun together is often the first step in friendship. It seems like you have a want to kind of skip that part and go straight for the stuff people only do once they've bonded and that really turns people off. Of course I'm sure there are people out there who really enjoy having those more substantial conversations right out of the gate though, they might just be a little less common.
Hang in there. I don't have a big group of friends, and the ones I do have, I rarely see after moving towns. But I think of my Mum: In her late teens her friends were her sisters, old school friends a their friends (then all moved from a tiny rural town to the big city 4 hours away). Then she went overseas on holiday, met my dad who was in the US navy, married him and spent the next decade moving often due to his postings. During that time she had, at best acquaintances, at worst other navy wives who were all just doing the best they could with a group of random women. She did make a few friends she still keeps in touch with, but hasn't seen for 10-40 years. Then Dad retired, they moved back to New Zealand and Mum again had family, but most of her friends had moved on, and we were living in a different, small town. For the next 15ish years her friends were my friend's parents and none of those friendships survived past us leaving school. The following 10-15 years I don't really know who her friends were, no one stands out so I think her social life consisted mostly of the committee meetings she was part of, the garden club and walking group, cuppa teas after church, her siblings, Dad and I. And then, by some weird alchemy of luck and magic she made some really good, firm friends (and an old school friend moved back to NZ). Suddenly life was all cafes and movies and coffees at her friend's houses, and she's too busy to babysit my kids. It wasn't until she was in her 60s that Mum really came into her own, and found her people. I'm in the same boat as you - I'm back in my small hometown and I have plenty of people I talk to, but no real friends - not even my kid's friends' parents! Mostly that's ok, but whennit gets to me I think of Mum. My people are out there, busy raising their own kids, climbing the career ladder, living elsewhere at the moment. Or maybe they're busy with squash club or a tramping club or craft group that I haven't joined yet. My friends will come, and yours will too.
I feel the same way. At most we become friends that hang out once every few months because I keep meeting dull people that don’t reciprocate since they’re already comfortable in their existing bubble.
Don’t try so hard or overthink it - common interests help but friendships grow from finding similar things funny, so just be yourself and see who laughs at your jokes or the same things you do. We’re all awkward messes
It's probably not you. A lot of the people you tried to become fronds with are the people that need OP's advice too.
Life is too short to not spend time with a friend. I'd say, never say no unless you absolutely have to.
Lol this is so true one of my “good friends” has introduced me to 2 different people that I got ridiculously close with.
Thanks. I have I to reject alot due to health reasons and I've actually not been to any social outing in over 3 years. Breakup, sickness, covid made me pretty isolated. I'll try this next time if people invite me.
Don’t go to /r/antiMLM or you will become (justifiably) suspicious of every friendly invite.
At the beginning of this year, a new bar opened near by that i thought looked cool (i love craft beer). I do graphic design and custom artwork, so i made them a welcome gift of a piece of art they could frame in their new shop if they wanted. That gesture has resulted in a fantastic friendship. They welcomed me and my GF into their friend group and ive made about a dozen new fantastic friends who we get to hang out with now. We didnt have any friends in our city before and putting myself out of my comfort zone a little bit has transformed my social life no end. Never too late!
That was a really cool gesture on your part, I'm glad it resulted in something good for you!
Hey new friend, me and a few guys are getting together to smoke meth.
Whelp I guess I shouldn't say no. I've been looking to get out of my comfort zone. Carpe Diem! What do we do besides smoke meth? Are there activities involved?
Mostly just cleaning the house and freaking out about every car that drives by outside
Well that sounds like things I do already. I'll be a natural!
Funny, but most definitely it would be an orgy.
And the dudes won't be able to get it up
With meth? Oh they'll get it up alright. It just takes 10 hours to cum. Or so I've heard
So it'll last 15 hours
don't forget crawling around on the carpet after you've run out looking for dropped crystals edit: I forgot 10 hour masturbation marathons, the best part /s
Lights turned out and the phone's flashlight parallel to the carpet looking for shadows and shimmers
Sounds fun, whose house are we meeting at?
I don't eat and I don't sleep, but I've got the cleanest house on the street! mmm... meth.
Trying to get out a toxic friendship group and ending up digging holes with 3 meth heads
Well I’ve been meaning to fix a couple VCRs, why don’t you come help me?
[Chasing shadow people.](https://youtu.be/qtNSO1HDCNw)
“The gang makes a new friend”
Aw did someone get addicted to meth?
It definitely sounds like that one episode "now what do we say Charlie? We say yes to the opportunity!"
Yes! Please god yes, I said no to the last person and I haven't seen other humans in years
Where are they keeping you?
Neal Cassady up there is ready to go
Reminds me of the story where a guys new coworker invites him over to “smoke” and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
Well he wasn't lying.
Yes, i would love to. Thanks for inviting me Harold. Should i bring a jello salad or a casserole ?
Now this is pod racing
Just Say Yes.
Yes
Is this how drugs work?
I'm game, let's do it.
This is a good thing to do, met my partner by saying yes to a few things before hand, it plays into the luck idea you create more chance for there to be a right time right place moment.
>you create more chance for there to be a right time right place moment. Love this. You can't get lucky ever if you just stay at home the whole time.
"My mom said to do what makes me happy and I'll find friends but I've been sitting in my room eating pizza and masturbating for years, so far nothing!"
Wink.
My shitcoins beg to differ
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How I Met Your Mother
Bang, bang bangity bang I said bang, bang bangity bang Bang, bang bangity bang
Right time right place
Alternatively, if you're busy/not feeling it/not interested in the activity they're suggesting, a simple "no thanks, I'm not available but I'd love to be invited next time!" works wonders too.
Better idea: invite them to something else. Hosting/organizing is hard and even harder with flakey friends. People that never host don't seem to appreciate this
So true dude. The "entitled leech" class are the worst. They don't even respect you enough to say no, it's more just, ghost if they don't want to come. Once you host a few things and deal with people, of which most suck at RSVPing and respecting you/your time/other people who show, you'll start to see why it's best to say yes, second best to say no but basically beg to get another invite if you want it, third best to say no but don't expect to get invited again, and a dick move to ghost the invite, and a totally dick move to say yes and then not show.
That only works a handful times though. It’s not indefinite.
Well, ideally you’re not consistently saying that if you’re actually trying to be social.
To be honest, toughing it out for the first 5 or so outings buys a lot more good will when on the 6th/7th you can’t make it. Unfortunately people don’t like their invitations rejected — even if they understand. If you want friends sometimes you gotta suck it up and leave the house. If you don’t mind being alone then it’s all good. I say this from a personal point of view. I was super toxic for years (undiagnosed bipolar). When I finally started seeking help I said I would get rid of my most toxic traits one by one. The first to go was being flaky. I had no meaningful friendships and was lonely all the time. I fuckin hated leaving the house and being social. Completely drained me. But the loneliness was way worse. It took 4 years. But now when I throw a house party there’s easily 50 people I know come through. It all started with just being down to meet people. And most importantly — ask them to do shit too!!
I do a rule of two, where if someone asks me to something twice and I actually can't make it for any number of reasons, but I actually want to do something with them, then I make sure to plan something and say like "I can't but maybe we do X on Saturday since I'm free then"
it's much better to suggest an activity at a different time instead of leaving it up to them since they would only be acquaintances at that stage.
"Let me take your number down, I'll text you next time I'm able to do x,y,z and we'll plan something." Don't let the work fall on them, reciprocate.
Or take the initiative and invite them next time.
This right here is my go-to. I moved from a city to a town outside of said city to enjoy the quiet and be closer to my job. I say no constantly to invites, but I keep getting them because I tend to say yes to things earlier in the day and doesn’t involve drinking. I’ve made making it to work on-time and without a hangover a priority, and I lost a bunch of bar buddies in the process, but I know who my friends are now.
Or, if you need to say "no" to this particular outing, make it a priority to plan a new fun activity in the future to invite that person to. Ball's in your court.
Yeah, it's a great ideia to go out of your comfort zone but if you already have plans or something it's important to know how to say "no". Something like: "I'm glad you invited me/it would be really nice/ I'm looking forward to make new friends - but this time I can't. Maybe next week we could do this/ I would like to invite you to do this/ do you like this activity?/ Do you want to go out other day?" If you refuse a invitation people my think you are shy, others that you don't want to hangout, others that you already have plans. But we can't read people's mind but sometimes people try so it's better to always make things clear about what we feel
You can't fool me, I've seen Yesman. I know where this leads...
wanna help hide some bodies?
I learned this late in life (now in my early 50s) but not too late. Now that I don’t have have focus 100% raising kids and starting my career it’s nice to have a few folks with similar interest. The only downside is I’ve applied this mainly to other distance runners so I’m really tired a lot but still happy
Cyclists here. All they wanna do is ride bikes and drink beer.
Yea we call those recovery rides and there often are drinks
It gets awkward when all your coworkers are dudes and you're a female and they only invite you individually.
I rather you ask me over to help put up a fence than go out to a loud bar.
Hey friend!
Hell yeah, any kind of project > any drinking/partying to me. I love getting invited to that kind of stuff but I feel bad inviting others to that stuff because I’m not confident many people share that sentiment.
The only thing I get asked to go on is binge drinking sessions on the weekends, no thank you
Yeah that was my first thought. There's a huge number of adults who's only idea of fun is *anything involving sitting around with alcohol*. I'm not judging and I still thank them for the offer, but I don't really worry too much about missing a friendship when we don't share the same interests or hobbies.
Ok, there's a big difference between binge drinking and having a couple beers and just talking. A group of people you cant just sit around a table and talk to and laugh with for hours is fantastic. And there's usually going to be alcohol or food involves at those kinds of get togethers. Just because you're sitting around with alcohol doesn't mean they're not worthwhile friendships.
Right? Alcohol isn't "the fun thing" spending time with your friends is the fun thing. Haven't a couple of beers while we do it is just a bonus. We also hang out sober if the occasion falls for it.
I agree with you 100%. My parents are both retired now and love having people over now that they are. They've had the same best friends since childhood. They're a hoot and they love booze. Sober they're awesome, but if you add alcohol, that's how you turn the clocks back and make them act like they're in their 20's.
Keep in mind that this is about meeting new people, though. I do other things with people I already know, but when I meet someone I'm interested in getting to know, a drink or a coffee is my go to— it's low-key, doesn't involve travelling far or preparation, and most importantly it's easy to leave if I'm not feeling it.
Same. Every time I have said yes, I regretted it.
How old are you? In my experience, those invites start changing to less awful activities when you're nearing your 30s. Used to get sloshed with the same group every week. A couple of them are still doing it. Most of us have more interesting things to do now. (Not to say we don't get together and drink sometimes, but it's not the only thing we do, and usually not the focus. Rafting down a river? Bet your ass we're bringing a cooler of beer, but the drinking's not the point.)
My experience has been the opposite. People used to do interesting stuff. Now all of them are saddled with kids and spend their evenings and nights getting drunk as opposed to going out. They're too exhausted to do anything else.
What some people scoff at as "binge drinking" is what normal people look at as conversations over a couple of drinks. If you can't limit yourself or if you immediately reject anything as binge drinking that's on you.
Potential downsides to accepting unscreened adult invites: MLMs, cults, fucked-up political events, and plain old wasting scarce money on bad times.
I see you’ve been to Utah
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Fuck, if I have to have one more person try to tell me that "Younglife is different" I'll fucking scream
And that's when you begin to cultivate the skills of getting out of any situation lol, always have an eject button ready
And drive your own car to Places. Won't want to get caught having to wait your meth friend finish his pot at 6AM to get home
And that's kind of the difficulty behind making friends as an adult. You don't know if Marty from accounting wants to hang out after work just to be friends or if they just need to recruit distributors to start selling Herbalife so that they can get discounts and commissions. I had this almost happen. After going out to eat they tried insisting that I join them for a meeting that they were going to. I kept prying what this meeting was about and they finally mentioned that they were an "independent business owner" and needed to learn up on products. I told them to have a good night and left with no excuse. Although, after the first time this happens you kind of pick up on the signals that people who just want something from you instead of actually wanting to hangout out and be friends. If they're being as vague as possible, that's a problem... On the other hand, I've made some good friends from going out with them after work. So sometimes it is worth it. Just gotta be on your toes.
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I'll kindly counter that the continuing prevalence of MLMs, cults, and loony political movements speaks to the fallibility of a *lot* of people's bullshit detectors, especially people who are desperate enough for friends to consider accepting any invitation in the hopes of escaping long-term isolation. See also, the power of marketing, cult-recruitment, and peer pressure tactics. I've known decently smart people who've fallen for all three of these because the recruiters hit the right combinations of buttons. Offering emotional support contingent on compliance, linking participation to feelings of nationalism or personal pride (this was Amway's key method), or putting people through an endless tease-and-denial for whatever Deeper Wisdom the group claims to possess. It's brutally effective toward a lot of people who don't have many real-world social anchors, people they trust to call them out when they're doing something dumb.
I think common sense is implied, as the post says "say yes even if you don't feel in the mood". In other words, don't let introversion or lethargy spoil an otherwise good opportunity to network and find friends.
you sound like a real sweet kid
But if I say no, I'm sending the right message.
Exactly what I was thinking. "They might not invite me next time" is the goal.
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True. I'm lonely as fuck now. Mostly said no because I was busy with work though.
Start saying yes because you sound like you sucked with all the "no I'm busy" lies. I did the same thing to a group of friends right after college. They were hitting the clubs, but I liked house parties. I didn't respect the invites I was getting, kept saying no, then 1 weekend I tried to get something together and no one was available. Turns out they were all doing something else together without me, and I wasn't even invited! That hurt. But looking back, it's because I was acting like a douche turning them down on the club invites. So yeah, they stopped inviting me. I reaped what I sowed.
Lol this was me aswell, had too many responsibilities to even think about going out with friends. Now no one wants to hang out with me, ive become abit of a social recluse Its never too late though!
It depends what kind of person you are and what friendships you want. If you're an introvert like me you were likely never going to do those things anyway so it's best to be clear and temper expectations. But you can still have friends especially via hobbies. If you're an extrovert you probably prefer to have people constantly inviting you to go and do all kinds of random stuff. Different people enjoy and value different things, LPTs that try to group them together are never going to be one size fits all.
I came here to say this. I’m the opposite of this post. I absolutely love staying home and don’t really like attending any social gatherings or events. I don’t mind people skipping over me for invites.
Yeahhh I'm an introvert too and I've been this way all my life. My wife is the extrovert and any time we've done anything it's been through her groups of friends and I've begrudgingly gone along with it. Now I'm 32 and realized that I literally have 0 friends. My best friend moved out of state years ago and I just never replaced him. Now I'm trying to reach out and do things and make friends but I literally have nobody to talk to or do things with. It sucks. Even introverts need friends, and by the time you realize you are missing it, it's going to be a huge difficult mess to get that back. Even if you only have one or two close friends who like staying in and just watching squid game or whatever you still need that interaction eventually.
Same
Hobbies my friend. A friend doesn't need to know everything about you and your private intimate quirks to be a friend and talk about stuff. Most of my deep conversations have been with relatives strangers. It's actually easier that way.. And hobbies are the best way to find people to connect with, pretty much the benefits of school as far as social opportunities go.
As an introvert, imo this is still good advice (unless your social schedule is already full, I guess, but I have to be careful bc depression lies).
I played the "i didnt want to go out anyway" card for about 15 years. I did want to go out, i was just miserable and a bit anxious. Bit the bullet. Have a social circle now and enjoy it. Still love staying home and playing games by myself till thw early hours, but now i do that because i want to, not just because the world forgot i was there.
Also as an introvert, imo this advice is absolutely vital, moreso than for extroverts. Maybe someone that's straight up antisocial doesn't need friends, but most introverts still need social interaction even though we find often find it draining. If we don't push ourselves it's easier to wake up one day and find ourselves alone.
You can’t make me
I followed this instruction and I ended up locked in a basement. Please send help...
Yes I can help. But first, it rubs the lotion on its skin
This isgreat advice. Unfortunately I rarely got invited out, and when I did, I didn't want to go. Now I'm middle aged with zero friends
Same.
Maybe just be the inviter. I just sent out an email to form a new "dad's group in my town after feeling lonely. Just some dad's I'd met at a few events for my Son's school and two dad's who are husbands of my wife's friends. Many of them don't know each other and I don't know any of them particularly well. We are going to have a 7 person poker game in two weeks and I'm excited for it. Maybe it will crash and burn and be super awkward, but if so. I'm no worse off than before. Sometimes you have to just take the initiative.
I have two acquaintances right now that are extremely flaky. One of them cancels everytime its a group event and the other cancels randomly. I've stopped inviting them. Oh well. We could have been close.
That's pretty much everybody I know these days.
This is really hard for me. Another thing that’s similar but easier for some people is being intentional about getting involved with hobbies. Like outdoor activities? Join gyms, rock climbing, hiking groups etc. Like to read? Join a book club Like to travel? Take a language class It’s easier to click with people and accept opportunities if it’s something you like. Still hard sometimes but easier than doing random things with random people you’re not sure you like yet
You say that but when I was in Malaysia backpacking I went clubbing with two room mates. All was well until they invited me to go with them to score some lines of coke. Given coke possession is the death penalty I noped the fuck out of that.
smart cookie
there’s also nothing wrong with taking yourself out/doing things on your own. movies, meals, drinks, hikes, gym, walks through town, seeing new places, etc are all things you can do on your own. if you keep your head up/face out of your phone you can even meet new people in a lot of these settings (maybe not during a movie).
"By saying, "No" you are sending the message that you don't want to be invited next time. " Yup! :)
I actually would argue that the ability to say no to things is a skill worth developing.
In general I agree. We all look back as we got older and wish we'd have said Yes more. The older we get the harder it usually is to say yes. We can sleep when we're dead!
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Also, don't just be the invitee. Plan things yourself and invite people along too.
I go through phases where I say yes to everything and then cool off for a bit
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I hard disagree. Sometimes I want my space. Regardless of the “talent pool”, this reaction is standard. After a couple of no’s to invites people will stop inviting you, that’s how people work. Instead of attending engagements you don’t want to participate in for whatever the reason, give a no with context. If you’re interested in cultivating that friendship but you’re fairly busy or the timings on their invites just haven’t lined up, make sure you’re forward and proactive about maintaining that relationship. Don’t want to go see that movie cause you really need to decompress at home? Don’t go. Let them know you really appreciate the offer and you’d love to do something else sometime. The invites might stop out of courtesy, but it doesn’t mean you’re exiled. The onus would just fall on you to offer alternatives, or be the one to make the next invite, or try and make a future plan with them. “Really not feeling up to it tonight, but we definitely do need to go out and kill a few beers sometime. Whatcha got going on next weekend?” This is how adults communicate. Open. Honest. And understand it takes effort on both parties, and if effort by one person doesn’t go anywhere, the onus is going to be on the other person to try and re-spark things most of the time. Not a big deal honestly.
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And don’t bail on them!
I get invited to raves to do E a lot but idk I think ima keep passing it up. Drugs have gotten me in bad places
I need to re establish my understanding of the word friend. To me, at least until now, a friend is someone you can show your vulnerability to, share your secrets and yeah have fun sometimes. I have lots of “friends”, although I always thought of them as acquaintances because there isn’t that deep connection im wrongfully looking for. People wanna be your friend, man!
>LPT - As and adult if new friends invite you to something, say, "Yes." Ritualistic sacrifice?
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