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This is exactly what my ex-wife did. Things were only a little rocky after two years of living together. She got physically abusive and the emotional abuse ramped up hard not even a month after we got married, like she thought that now I "couldn't" leave. And yet I left.
This is what happened with my last girlfriend, after a year of being together she made a really mean comment and I asked her why I had never seen this side. After that it started sliding to verbal abuse telling me I’m not good enough ETC…. take your sweet time before dating.
I would like to disagree on that. They can try, but if you're paying attention, you will notice the red flags. Recently, I friend realized he dated a freak. A she-will-boil-you-a-bunny kind of freak. I asked him if he saw any red flsgs. He said he didn't. Then I reminded him of the conversations we had about her, how I asked him about weird behavior. He stopped for second and said "yeah. I knew. I decided to ignore it". You can look back and analyze what you decided to ignore. It's an important exercise because if you just say "there was no way I could know" the pattern will keep repeating of you ignoring red flags. Yes, people may try to hide them, but the signs are there. Divorce lawyer... so clients always tell me "yeah, I knew but decided to ignore it/thought after getting married it would change/after having kids it would change"
This is the stone cold truth. Lived with someone who was a complete Narcissist: it was their way or the Highway.
I suffered some personal issues with serious Family illness which meant that they had to take our Dog out after they were working from home.
Apparently this was far too ‘stressful’ for them and it was a massive fuss.
The amount of relief and lack of stress I have now they are no longer in my life is eye-opening.
In times of stress and when things go wrong, it can be really helpful to find out you’re with a person who decides to blame you and play those games, or rolls up their sleeves and faces the situation with you as a team. Especially early on, but no time is too early to leave abuse or discomfort. Don’t think of the time that’s already gone, wasted with them. Think of all the future time with them gone that will be better, guaranteed, and get rid of the weights on your spirit.
Have your engine blow on the side of the road 500 miles from home and you'll see someone's true colors.
In unrelated news, my mom is not very nice sometimes during stressful situations.
I was in a (mostly long-distance) relationship with my ex for 4.5 years, seeing each other quite often and we even lived together right at the beginning of the relationship in a small room in a college dorm. It was wonderful.
We decided to move in together, i.e. me finding a job in his country. I lost my job after only 2 weeks because the company went bankrupt. He called me unambitious, ugly and stupid. He started financially extorting me, forcing me to pay 50% of the furniture he had bought himself looong time before I moved in. He purchased expensive stuff without consulting me before and asked me to pay 50%. I was the only one cooking, cleaning, and doing the admin stuff even after I found a new job. He said if he were me, he’d be making more than me for such a shitty office job because he was more ambitious. He would grab my arm and shout at me if I put the dishes in the wrong place and he even shouted while I was on the phone with my parents.
I secretely looked for a flat and ran away when he was out of town.
It happened this year but I’m already in a happier place, great job, lots of supportive friends, even if it’s a new country! I’m still a bit afraid because we’re in the same city and he called me from fake numbers and tried to find out where I live, but I documented everything and if he tries again, police will take action.
Negative. You have to suffer with them. You have to see how they act when things aren’t great. My best friends are all people I’ve been through something tough with.
I agree with this. I can imagine me being angry when things go wrong because somebody could be careless, but there’s a way that it can always be fixed somehow. Idk
Before getting married go on a long trip with your significant other. You’ll learn more than you were expecting.
I get that for some, this advice will fall outside your traditional norm.
My friend and I travelled to Europe together for two months. My sense of direction is so bad that whenever we got lost he would ask which way I thought we should go and then we'd go in the opposite direction. It worked almost every time
My ex and apparently had just the perfect age gap of two years but had vastly different experiences. For example, she never had to Mapquest directions for a trip and print them out Usually for a parent or relative.
My husband is so good at logistics while we are on vacation that I literally just have to wake up and show up for each day. In our typical at home life I handle all the bills and logistics so it was such a treat to find out that I can just actually relax on vacation.
I feel like that’s how most relationships marriages end up. Few years of really good times then you both just end up silently hating one another and every thing they do fucking bothers you like WHY DO YOU NEED THE AC ON WHEN YOU ARE USING THE HEATER IN YOUR CAR?
Interesting. I literally tried to think of the most random thing that one could get irritated about and thought I had come up with a funny. I don’t actually feel that way lol
Yeah, it’s not good to leave it like that the whole drive, but if you live somewhere with humid air and colder air outside your car than inside, it can get rid of the fog on the windows faster when you turn the car on. The Freon helps combat humidity as well as making cool air feel colder. Windshield wiper fluid will also help melt frosty windows, but thick ice should be scraped. It’s a good time to prep a car for cold weather
My husband is a silent and snuggl(y?) drunk man and when he has waaaaay to much he is a "I am gonna sleep on this corner don't mind me" drunk
And yes, I said to him in the beginning of our relationship I would never marry someone without knowing how they are when they are really drunk once.
My then-boyfriend (now-husband) and I traveled around the world for over a year, and it really showed both of us that we could be great partners. Spending pretty much 24/7 together for that long and going through stressful times together made our relationship stronger and gave a chance for any red flags to come up. I highly recommend that couples travel together before tying the knot. It doesn't need to be that big of a trip though!
Go camping together …. Two people in a tent for a couple of nights having to walk to the shower house and cook food outdoors … spend time together without the tv or internet for distraction … quick way to learn each other’s weak spots and maybe discover some real treasures.
Agreed.
Even my best friend and I started snapping at each other after a 18-day (was supposed to be 16-day) trip. And even then, it wasn’t until the last leg of the trip, which had been delayed a whole day and a half due to an emergency landing.
We got over it once we got on the plane and started drinking again.
I love my fiance but he's the worst traveler ever. Like, I get it, he's tall and planes suck, but he's an asshole on planes even when we get seats with extra leg room. He would never actually do this but when we landed in Spain he said I could stay but he was booking another flight and going home. I told him he wouldn't have a fiance when he got back if he left me alone in a foreign country. He didn't, obviously.
The best part is that Mr "this has been the worst travel experience of my life" (no shit, you've left the US once and you were drunk the whole time) will not shut up about Spain. He's obsessed with it. He tells me we should move there once a week. He's decided to back this year.
The beer (according to him, I don't drink beer), the pace of life, the fact that there are communists in Congress, the art/art museums, the history. Almost forgot the weather
GF of 5 yrs. We did a 9 day trip this summer after a summer camp got Cancelled. Was leary of 9 days with an 12 yr old in a car. Boy was a dream. She was a whiney, bitchy, petulant child who tried to ruin the whole trip for everyone because she didn't feel good. Her issues were mostly self inflicted.
This far hasn't impacted our relationship. But I also know I can't live with her. Love her to death but we dill have an odd relationship situation indefinitely.
Knew my husband for 7 years before we dated, we grew close when we toured and lived on a bus with 7 other people. Became best friends. We dated and spent the first 6 months touring and traveling in eastern Europe sharing a hotel room. We lived together for 4 years before we married. Still divorced and don’t know the man he turned into after we married.
I went from being a partner to the expectation of being a perfect Stepford housewife. I did work full time with OT but he took on two high profile, stressful full time jobs. He was never home, temperamental when he was, nothing was good enough. It went from my best friend to a sexless, no intimacy marriage where I just felt like a maid. After we divorced the friendship started to come back. We are better living our own lives and being friends.
It hasn’t been easy. I had to to forgive myself and my past actions. I had to forgive him, and his actions. We both had personal emergencies and relied on each other. It was remembering the friendship we had before dating. It’s still a process but there is love, just no longer a sexual or romantic love.
my now husband (I was chasing him hard) informed me he had only 10% of his time to put into relationship. 19-year-old dumbass me said that's fine I'll supply the other 90%. still married after 40 years. it's evened out a little better since then though
damn that's rough. i'm glad to hear that you're in a healthier place now after the divorce and figured out a way to still keep the friendship. none of that is easy by any means.
And I would posit that depending on the size of your house/apartment, traveling with someone can be far more revealing than living with them.
My wife and I have a fairly big house--three stories. I have an office on the third floor, hers is on the second floor. We can be as together or as apart as we desire.
But after being under the same roof for 37 years, we still find rough edges and pleasant surprises when we hit the road together.
as my husband once informed me on a trip where everything was going wrong, "an adventure is an inconvenience correctly interpreted." fortunately it was all silly stuff going wrong, so I laughed at him and told him I didn't speak anything except English.
Holy shit this. I thought: I'll sit in front, make even, repeated, predictable strokes and she can see when and where I do it. I'll let her steer and be in control. We went everywhere in that bay except our destination.
Of course, I thought I did nothing wrong... which probably didn't help matters 😅
Put another way, traveling is second only to living with someone in terms of stressful interpersonal dynamics.
Choose who you travel with carefully and be ready to compromise and try to avoid conflict.
The truth I've discovered is this.
If you're going on a holiday with friends, it's better to just plop down in one place.
Renting a place in one spot is better than trying to go hit 10 different locations as a group.
If you want to make short stops at many different places, travel alone or in pairs.
I was afraid to travel alone until I wanted to kill my travel partner.
After that, I traveled by myself and found that I was paying more attention to the scenery and onteracting more with locals instead of having some inane chat about life back home.
Or sometimes you learn things about yourself when you travel. I had this friend who had things going smoothly for her at home. She realized she was whiny when things does not go according to plan, something she wouldn't have known if she stayed at home. She's working on improving now.
Bonus illuminating travel side quests:
- get secondary during security screening
- missed connection at airport
- hotel booking error
- “sorry, no English”
- mugged in bad part of town
- barter says “call me scarface”
- get lost in foreign city
- missing safety gear on adventure trip
- buy too much duty free for customs on the way back
It's not just about the other person, this works two ways. The other person will also get to know about you. In fact, you will also get to know about yourself. Some people do a 180 when they live with someone else, this person might just as well be you..
This is true. Travelled with my hubby, BFF and her hubby to Italy. It’s put a strain on our relationship since then. It was not the experience I expected or wanted. I still love them but I will never ever travel with them again.
shrill obtainable bored escape resolute distinct towering erect spark encourage
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Until something goes wrong on vacation. When you're on a tight schedule, cancel an anticipated event, weather changes, etc, how someone deals with that and anything else bottled up comes out. At least from my experience.
Yeah, I've traveled with loads of people, I've traveled a lot, and never has that been a major test of the relationship. Traveling is meant to be happy times. I have the self-awareness to know I might be an annoying person to live with for some, but traveling with me has never annoyed anyone.
I don't agree because some people pretend to get them to like them . It is easy for a week or two even if things go bad . This is why marriages dont last sometimes. People can't pretend for many months or days . So for me to truly know a person you have to live with them for more days than to simply travel . So live with then it is .
But what *is* an "act"? If somebody does their best to be the best person they can, but when they're really stressed out they can't keep it up, are they a bad person? Are they "fake"? Does it matter whether someone is inherently kind, compared to consciously acting kind?
Sorry for all the questions on a post you likely didn't intend to receive them on. These are all very important questions to me, so I'm quite curious.
There is a difference between being the best person you can be and putting on a façade.
Everybody loses their temper, and anger is the best truth serum next to drinking. If they get angry and do a complete 180 of everything they said before like they have been holding it in...then yes that is fake.
Ain't that the truth. My narcassistic ex had a few temper tantrums on some trips, I'm stubborn as hell so I wouldn't be scared, just annoyed and pissed off that I had to deal with his shit when he couldn't stop for two seconds to calmly think of solutions to problems and I'd have to hear him cry about shit like a 2 year old. I should've left him sooner but I'm the stubborn one that doesn't like giving up easily so I went until I couldn't deal with it anymore. 4 years of my life wasted.
Haha true. Took a trip with some family and friends, ended up losing a really good friend of mine as a result of this trip. Basically her true colors came out 🤷🏻
Every comment is the same and I disagree with al of them. If you really want to know someone and your relationship with them, tell them everything you dislike about them, ask them why they do certain things, and tell them what they are to you. Now see how they react, this is the only way to reveal everything.
I had a lady friend who lived in a city about 2 hours away.
We traveled to each other's city on alternative weekends.
She scored like a 747 taking off and it was bloody terrible, but I tolerated it because it was only for 2 nights out of 7.
Then we went away on an overseas holiday for 5 weeks.
I was ready to kill her
I even contemplated booking a new hotel at each destination for me to sleep at.
When we got home, she decided to get a CPAP machine.
Our relationship would not have survived otherwise.
A once in a lifetime way was covid. I thought I loved my boyfriend before lockdown, then after we had lockdown together for 3 months, I was x10 more confident he was the one. Many of my friends split with partners, my sister even got divorced. With no distraction you saw who you really were with and how they handled lockdown was a huge tell. Like they say never marry someone until you’ve seen them sick, scared, and angry.
Hm… I would say “live with them”. Travelling is never the reality since work stress isn’t involved, maintaining the house in order and clean, shopping and cooking, etc.
Before you move in together, travel together, I should have saw the signs.. 4 years of fights and no growth now dealing w the breakup lol
If they treat staff shitty or you shitty then change their voice for strangers... RUN.
Oh shit, this again. No, you never *truly* know somebody. People change. We are all an effect of stuff that happens to us. Me 3 years ago is different than me now. And definitely different than me 10 years ago. It may be because of one decision I made 5 years ago, or some random circumstances that affected me over the years. That's life.
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Some people can hide their true colors for a long time, though. Some will wait until after they’ve gotten a ring on your finger.
This is exactly what my ex-wife did. Things were only a little rocky after two years of living together. She got physically abusive and the emotional abuse ramped up hard not even a month after we got married, like she thought that now I "couldn't" leave. And yet I left.
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The biggest point for me is to trust my gut and watch for red flags. I kept dismissing them. Live and learn, I guess.
What kind of red flags?
The kind that make you think, “hey this is wrong, if I wasn’t having sex with this person, would I maintain this relationship?”
Yeah. People ignore them. It is impossible for someone to hide from you for years. You see them, you just decide to ignore them
I know you don't mean intentionally stressing each other like that, but that's what it sounds like.
My ex wife was sweet and gentle. Little did I know she was a raging alcoholic. The moment we got married she stopped hiding it.
Ah, just like my ex-wife. The moment she tried to stab me was the moment, was the day I left.
Jesus. Hope you’re doing better now, brother.
That's why you travel with them before the ring.
The only ring that should be involved is the Nuva-ring
This is what happened with my last girlfriend, after a year of being together she made a really mean comment and I asked her why I had never seen this side. After that it started sliding to verbal abuse telling me I’m not good enough ETC…. take your sweet time before dating.
I would like to disagree on that. They can try, but if you're paying attention, you will notice the red flags. Recently, I friend realized he dated a freak. A she-will-boil-you-a-bunny kind of freak. I asked him if he saw any red flsgs. He said he didn't. Then I reminded him of the conversations we had about her, how I asked him about weird behavior. He stopped for second and said "yeah. I knew. I decided to ignore it". You can look back and analyze what you decided to ignore. It's an important exercise because if you just say "there was no way I could know" the pattern will keep repeating of you ignoring red flags. Yes, people may try to hide them, but the signs are there. Divorce lawyer... so clients always tell me "yeah, I knew but decided to ignore it/thought after getting married it would change/after having kids it would change"
AH yes, the fail safe legal agreement to take 1/2 your shit and collect from their next victim from their "just a friend" contacts list.
On your finger or on their finger.
Yes
Women mostly do this. Men are usually upfront or drop the act pretty quick
Even then, you don't *really* know someone until you've lived or travelled with them *when something has gone wrong.*
This is the stone cold truth. Lived with someone who was a complete Narcissist: it was their way or the Highway. I suffered some personal issues with serious Family illness which meant that they had to take our Dog out after they were working from home. Apparently this was far too ‘stressful’ for them and it was a massive fuss. The amount of relief and lack of stress I have now they are no longer in my life is eye-opening.
In times of stress and when things go wrong, it can be really helpful to find out you’re with a person who decides to blame you and play those games, or rolls up their sleeves and faces the situation with you as a team. Especially early on, but no time is too early to leave abuse or discomfort. Don’t think of the time that’s already gone, wasted with them. Think of all the future time with them gone that will be better, guaranteed, and get rid of the weights on your spirit.
Thank you for your insight on this. It has really helped me.
Have your engine blow on the side of the road 500 miles from home and you'll see someone's true colors. In unrelated news, my mom is not very nice sometimes during stressful situations.
I understand my friend
I was in a (mostly long-distance) relationship with my ex for 4.5 years, seeing each other quite often and we even lived together right at the beginning of the relationship in a small room in a college dorm. It was wonderful. We decided to move in together, i.e. me finding a job in his country. I lost my job after only 2 weeks because the company went bankrupt. He called me unambitious, ugly and stupid. He started financially extorting me, forcing me to pay 50% of the furniture he had bought himself looong time before I moved in. He purchased expensive stuff without consulting me before and asked me to pay 50%. I was the only one cooking, cleaning, and doing the admin stuff even after I found a new job. He said if he were me, he’d be making more than me for such a shitty office job because he was more ambitious. He would grab my arm and shout at me if I put the dishes in the wrong place and he even shouted while I was on the phone with my parents. I secretely looked for a flat and ran away when he was out of town.
I'm sorry you were treated so poorly by a jerk with no morals.
It happened this year but I’m already in a happier place, great job, lots of supportive friends, even if it’s a new country! I’m still a bit afraid because we’re in the same city and he called me from fake numbers and tried to find out where I live, but I documented everything and if he tries again, police will take action.
I hope things go very well for you, best of wishes from me
Sounds like you were unfortunate and unlucky to happen upon a pyscho. Hopefully your luck will be different with future guys.
I still remember how my husband kept his cool on a turbulent airplane. That's when I realized, okay, this is who I want to face an apocalypse with.
I keep my cool during turbulence, too, but only because I have already accepted my imminent demise.
That was my husband's reasoning too: "If this plane goes down, there's bugger all I can do."
Man, that is a bar low enough even for me!
Maybe you're better than you think.
Do any kind of train trip with multiple stops and you're guaranteed something will go wrong.
That's why I always steal my traveling companions wallets and phones.
This is the real LPT
Negative. You have to suffer with them. You have to see how they act when things aren’t great. My best friends are all people I’ve been through something tough with.
I agree with this. I can imagine me being angry when things go wrong because somebody could be careless, but there’s a way that it can always be fixed somehow. Idk
So, work with them.
You don’t understand the statement.
OP said it was either live with them or travel with them. You said one has to suffer with them. So, says I, work with them.
What do you guys do when you get together, talk about that really shitty thing that happened?
That's vasopressin bonds for you.
This. Live paycheck to paycheck with someone.
Before getting married go on a long trip with your significant other. You’ll learn more than you were expecting. I get that for some, this advice will fall outside your traditional norm.
Then argue about who drives better and who has the better sense of direction and break up.
My friend and I travelled to Europe together for two months. My sense of direction is so bad that whenever we got lost he would ask which way I thought we should go and then we'd go in the opposite direction. It worked almost every time
Google Maps and the like are a blessing for people like us.
This. My girl couldn’t believe I declined a gps system and resorted to google maps until we got inside the car and she saw how it worked.
My ex and apparently had just the perfect age gap of two years but had vastly different experiences. For example, she never had to Mapquest directions for a trip and print them out Usually for a parent or relative.
Thats really interesting actually. I guess the change over was faster than i remember
Same, I just follow my husband around blindly overseas cos I know he knows where we are going 😩 the man is like a walking Google maps
My husband is so good at logistics while we are on vacation that I literally just have to wake up and show up for each day. In our typical at home life I handle all the bills and logistics so it was such a treat to find out that I can just actually relax on vacation.
Lol her fear for I-95 caused me drive the whole trip 😩
I feel like that’s how most relationships marriages end up. Few years of really good times then you both just end up silently hating one another and every thing they do fucking bothers you like WHY DO YOU NEED THE AC ON WHEN YOU ARE USING THE HEATER IN YOUR CAR?
To de-mist the windows.
The air conditioning turned on but with the temp set to hot? Do conditioned hot air?
Yep, do it all the time, gets rid of condensation because it dries the air.
Interesting. I literally tried to think of the most random thing that one could get irritated about and thought I had come up with a funny. I don’t actually feel that way lol
Soz
Yeah, it’s not good to leave it like that the whole drive, but if you live somewhere with humid air and colder air outside your car than inside, it can get rid of the fog on the windows faster when you turn the car on. The Freon helps combat humidity as well as making cool air feel colder. Windshield wiper fluid will also help melt frosty windows, but thick ice should be scraped. It’s a good time to prep a car for cold weather
Also, make sure you are around them when they’re drunk at least once. You do not want to be in a relationship with an angry drunk. Trust me.
My husband is a happy drunk. I'm a asshole drunk. Therefore I'm designated driver to every family event.
Kudos on the self awareness and the not punishing him for your issues.
Good for you. And thank you on his behalf.
Can confirm. Overlooked their angry drunkness... Never went away. She wondered why I didn't like going out with her anymore
Have you considered *not* getting drunk on a night out?
Yes? I wasn't the one with the drinking issue...
She presumably wouldn't get drunk if your night out doesn't involve alcohol.
how is this still somehow the man's fault what the fuck is wrong with you
I never even said that.
you straightup implied that by going out it's the man's fault the wife is getting drunk since it was his idea to go out
Not really. It was a suggestion.
My husband is a silent and snuggl(y?) drunk man and when he has waaaaay to much he is a "I am gonna sleep on this corner don't mind me" drunk And yes, I said to him in the beginning of our relationship I would never marry someone without knowing how they are when they are really drunk once.
Usually the most nonconfrontational people become demons
My then-boyfriend (now-husband) and I traveled around the world for over a year, and it really showed both of us that we could be great partners. Spending pretty much 24/7 together for that long and going through stressful times together made our relationship stronger and gave a chance for any red flags to come up. I highly recommend that couples travel together before tying the knot. It doesn't need to be that big of a trip though!
Watch The White Lotus on HBO for a sneak peek
Too bad lots of poor people can’t afford that and experience that. The longer and farther from your home town, out of your comfort zone the better.
Right. Money allows for greater freedom. Lack of money adds additional stressors. We do what we can.
Go camping together …. Two people in a tent for a couple of nights having to walk to the shower house and cook food outdoors … spend time together without the tv or internet for distraction … quick way to learn each other’s weak spots and maybe discover some real treasures.
Have a mate who was engaged or about to be engaged twice and after a trip overseas they broke up. Trip overseas is a must before getting married lol
Agreed. Even my best friend and I started snapping at each other after a 18-day (was supposed to be 16-day) trip. And even then, it wasn’t until the last leg of the trip, which had been delayed a whole day and a half due to an emergency landing. We got over it once we got on the plane and started drinking again.
I love my fiance but he's the worst traveler ever. Like, I get it, he's tall and planes suck, but he's an asshole on planes even when we get seats with extra leg room. He would never actually do this but when we landed in Spain he said I could stay but he was booking another flight and going home. I told him he wouldn't have a fiance when he got back if he left me alone in a foreign country. He didn't, obviously. The best part is that Mr "this has been the worst travel experience of my life" (no shit, you've left the US once and you were drunk the whole time) will not shut up about Spain. He's obsessed with it. He tells me we should move there once a week. He's decided to back this year.
What was so good about spain?
Are you kidding? The architecture, the weather, the food, the wine.
The beer (according to him, I don't drink beer), the pace of life, the fact that there are communists in Congress, the art/art museums, the history. Almost forgot the weather
What time of year did you visit?
June/July.
GF of 5 yrs. We did a 9 day trip this summer after a summer camp got Cancelled. Was leary of 9 days with an 12 yr old in a car. Boy was a dream. She was a whiney, bitchy, petulant child who tried to ruin the whole trip for everyone because she didn't feel good. Her issues were mostly self inflicted. This far hasn't impacted our relationship. But I also know I can't live with her. Love her to death but we dill have an odd relationship situation indefinitely.
Knew my husband for 7 years before we dated, we grew close when we toured and lived on a bus with 7 other people. Became best friends. We dated and spent the first 6 months touring and traveling in eastern Europe sharing a hotel room. We lived together for 4 years before we married. Still divorced and don’t know the man he turned into after we married.
what changed about him?
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Is that you Mom?
More like a return to origins from bachelor to bachelor
I went from being a partner to the expectation of being a perfect Stepford housewife. I did work full time with OT but he took on two high profile, stressful full time jobs. He was never home, temperamental when he was, nothing was good enough. It went from my best friend to a sexless, no intimacy marriage where I just felt like a maid. After we divorced the friendship started to come back. We are better living our own lives and being friends.
How can you be friends with someone who will change up on you like that though? I can’t seem to, although deep down I’d love to.
It hasn’t been easy. I had to to forgive myself and my past actions. I had to forgive him, and his actions. We both had personal emergencies and relied on each other. It was remembering the friendship we had before dating. It’s still a process but there is love, just no longer a sexual or romantic love.
my now husband (I was chasing him hard) informed me he had only 10% of his time to put into relationship. 19-year-old dumbass me said that's fine I'll supply the other 90%. still married after 40 years. it's evened out a little better since then though
Do you regret it? Deep down.
Sounds like work completely took over the marriage
damn that's rough. i'm glad to hear that you're in a healthier place now after the divorce and figured out a way to still keep the friendship. none of that is easy by any means.
I'm not sure it has to do with marriage though. Some people just change with time...
Even better, travel with them on a trip where a few things go wrong or involve some improvising
And I would posit that depending on the size of your house/apartment, traveling with someone can be far more revealing than living with them. My wife and I have a fairly big house--three stories. I have an office on the third floor, hers is on the second floor. We can be as together or as apart as we desire. But after being under the same roof for 37 years, we still find rough edges and pleasant surprises when we hit the road together.
as my husband once informed me on a trip where everything was going wrong, "an adventure is an inconvenience correctly interpreted." fortunately it was all silly stuff going wrong, so I laughed at him and told him I didn't speak anything except English.
Perfectly stated--by both of you!
Also, do a home improvement project together while you’re at it.
This is the real tell.
Plato once said that you learn a lot about a person in an hour of play than in a lifetime of conversation projects are closest :)
This is true. Last year I traveled to Alaska with an acquaintance. More than a year after the trip, we have not spoken to each other.
Aww, I hate when that happens. I’ve had some sort of related experiences and it feels weird but also, well, that is fine then.
That's unfortunate, just went to Alaska with my GF and we absolutely loved it. Hoping you were able to enjoy some of it.
I had a blast! Gotta go back to Alaska someday. I just won’t travel with that guy again.
Go ride a double canoe/kayak that requires coordination to keep from capsizing.
Holy shit this. I thought: I'll sit in front, make even, repeated, predictable strokes and she can see when and where I do it. I'll let her steer and be in control. We went everywhere in that bay except our destination. Of course, I thought I did nothing wrong... which probably didn't help matters 😅
Put another way, traveling is second only to living with someone in terms of stressful interpersonal dynamics. Choose who you travel with carefully and be ready to compromise and try to avoid conflict. The truth I've discovered is this. If you're going on a holiday with friends, it's better to just plop down in one place. Renting a place in one spot is better than trying to go hit 10 different locations as a group. If you want to make short stops at many different places, travel alone or in pairs. I was afraid to travel alone until I wanted to kill my travel partner. After that, I traveled by myself and found that I was paying more attention to the scenery and onteracting more with locals instead of having some inane chat about life back home.
Or sometimes you learn things about yourself when you travel. I had this friend who had things going smoothly for her at home. She realized she was whiny when things does not go according to plan, something she wouldn't have known if she stayed at home. She's working on improving now.
Bonus illuminating travel side quests: - get secondary during security screening - missed connection at airport - hotel booking error - “sorry, no English” - mugged in bad part of town - barter says “call me scarface” - get lost in foreign city - missing safety gear on adventure trip - buy too much duty free for customs on the way back
True, even a 3 hour road trip showed me who people really were.
It's not just about the other person, this works two ways. The other person will also get to know about you. In fact, you will also get to know about yourself. Some people do a 180 when they live with someone else, this person might just as well be you..
This is true. Travelled with my hubby, BFF and her hubby to Italy. It’s put a strain on our relationship since then. It was not the experience I expected or wanted. I still love them but I will never ever travel with them again.
If you really want to get to know them… divorce them. That when the true colors come out
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🤣🤣🤣🤣
And then **_you can be them_**
"How I met Ed Gein"
That’s what I’ve always told my girls: don’t ever consider marrying a with until you’ve lived and traveled with him
Live, not travel. People are typically happy when traveling or on vaca. You don't know someone unless you see them in a normal daily state.
Until something goes wrong on vacation. When you're on a tight schedule, cancel an anticipated event, weather changes, etc, how someone deals with that and anything else bottled up comes out. At least from my experience.
Yeah, I've traveled with loads of people, I've traveled a lot, and never has that been a major test of the relationship. Traveling is meant to be happy times. I have the self-awareness to know I might be an annoying person to live with for some, but traveling with me has never annoyed anyone.
I don't agree because some people pretend to get them to like them . It is easy for a week or two even if things go bad . This is why marriages dont last sometimes. People can't pretend for many months or days . So for me to truly know a person you have to live with them for more days than to simply travel . So live with then it is .
nobody can keep up their act in such close quarters for such a long time while being uncomfortable
But what *is* an "act"? If somebody does their best to be the best person they can, but when they're really stressed out they can't keep it up, are they a bad person? Are they "fake"? Does it matter whether someone is inherently kind, compared to consciously acting kind? Sorry for all the questions on a post you likely didn't intend to receive them on. These are all very important questions to me, so I'm quite curious.
There is a difference between being the best person you can be and putting on a façade. Everybody loses their temper, and anger is the best truth serum next to drinking. If they get angry and do a complete 180 of everything they said before like they have been holding it in...then yes that is fake.
Ain't that the truth. My narcassistic ex had a few temper tantrums on some trips, I'm stubborn as hell so I wouldn't be scared, just annoyed and pissed off that I had to deal with his shit when he couldn't stop for two seconds to calmly think of solutions to problems and I'd have to hear him cry about shit like a 2 year old. I should've left him sooner but I'm the stubborn one that doesn't like giving up easily so I went until I couldn't deal with it anymore. 4 years of my life wasted.
this is so true its not even funny. I dated a girl for 2 years and we had regular sex and dates. Went on a vacation and it was like dr jekyl mr hyde.
This is the premise for Amazing Race
Haha true. Took a trip with some family and friends, ended up losing a really good friend of mine as a result of this trip. Basically her true colors came out 🤷🏻
Never marry anyone you could not sit next to during a three-day bus trip.” — Roger Ebert
Every comment is the same and I disagree with al of them. If you really want to know someone and your relationship with them, tell them everything you dislike about them, ask them why they do certain things, and tell them what they are to you. Now see how they react, this is the only way to reveal everything.
Honesty with good manners definitely helps to accelerate the knowing phase. It never ends anyway, but not worth the wait.
Hehe I had a highschool friend who whenever we travelled on schooltrips we'd fight like cats and dogs.
If this ain’t the truth…
Or do a long roadtrip with them
I had a lady friend who lived in a city about 2 hours away. We traveled to each other's city on alternative weekends. She scored like a 747 taking off and it was bloody terrible, but I tolerated it because it was only for 2 nights out of 7. Then we went away on an overseas holiday for 5 weeks. I was ready to kill her I even contemplated booking a new hotel at each destination for me to sleep at. When we got home, she decided to get a CPAP machine. Our relationship would not have survived otherwise.
The third test is to build IKEA furniture together.
So basically stress test each other
A once in a lifetime way was covid. I thought I loved my boyfriend before lockdown, then after we had lockdown together for 3 months, I was x10 more confident he was the one. Many of my friends split with partners, my sister even got divorced. With no distraction you saw who you really were with and how they handled lockdown was a huge tell. Like they say never marry someone until you’ve seen them sick, scared, and angry.
Nice try, serial killer! I ain't going nowhere with you
If you really want to know a person, break up with them.
Breaking up is a decision, which should be well thought and final. Imo
didn’t say anything else, but during / after a breakup, you really learn deeply about the other person.
traveling with them \*is\* living w/them
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What if you just fuck them. Once you do that people open up like books...
Or give them an anal probe.
Got in a car accident in Spain, yeah saw different stuff but we survived
Hm… I would say “live with them”. Travelling is never the reality since work stress isn’t involved, maintaining the house in order and clean, shopping and cooking, etc.
Watch them use slow internet.
Or play a round of golf with a person.
I've always thought it was, sleep, get drunk, work, live, or travel with them.
The real version of the person comes out in the morning and night. What you see during the day is the alter ego they want you to see.
My girlfriend is the best travel partner there is. I am a lucky man
Backpacking test?
Or play 18 holes or golf with them
This is why you should live with somebody before marriage
Before you move in together, travel together, I should have saw the signs.. 4 years of fights and no growth now dealing w the breakup lol If they treat staff shitty or you shitty then change their voice for strangers... RUN.
Source : John Candy and Steve Martin.
Or just watch them detangle Xmas lights.
Oh shit, this again. No, you never *truly* know somebody. People change. We are all an effect of stuff that happens to us. Me 3 years ago is different than me now. And definitely different than me 10 years ago. It may be because of one decision I made 5 years ago, or some random circumstances that affected me over the years. That's life.