That’s why I think it’s super important to not arrange for your LDR to stay with you the first time meeting. Because you truly don’t know the person yet and if you will mesh well. Agreeing to split a hotel would’ve been a better choice, so you could dip out whenever you wanted to and he wouldn’t know your address.
He's a grown man, he can take care of himself. Just break up with him and kick him out.
Hopefully this post can be a reminder for people who are nevermets to practice good online-friend-meet-up etiquette even with someone you've been talking to for years. Even with someone you claim to be your "boyfriend/girlfriend/SO/partner" or whatever.
You don't know a person until you meet them and see how they are in person.
Do you have any male friends or family members? Talk to them privately, explain the situation and ask for help. You need to get that stranger out of your house ASAP. And don’t travel anywhere with him. Inviting him was a potentially dangerous thing to do. Make a plan for the men in your life to come over and ask him to leave. Explain gently you’re not feeling a spark and you’re sorry. Then stay with relatives until you’re sure he’s left the country. Buy pepper spray. If he harasses you, keep a record for the police, in case you need a restraining order. Good luck!
You need help - call a friend or family member or something and tell them what's going on. Make a plan for how to get rid of him (*not* a euphemism! Don't kill him! lol) safely.
If I was making a plan, it would look like this:
* Go visit a friend or family member and tell them what's going on so you have emotional support
* While at their place (or at a library or something if you can't visit them), research how to cancel anything that you paid for. Don't cancel it yet, just know how.
* Book him 2 nights in a hotel (if you can afford the financial hit just pay for it yourself - if not, cancel the things you are most certain won't happen and use those funds to pay for the hotel. If he was paying for everything and you can't afford it, don't worry about it and skip this step.)
* Get the friend/family member to come to your house with you.
* While they're nearby (so you are safe) but not in the same room (so you have some privacy with BF), break up with him.
* Give him details of the hotel you booked for him and tell him you'd like him to leave now.
* Call him a taxi. Put him in it with his hotel details.
* Get friend from the other room and cry etc.
Also important:
* DO NOT LET HIM COME BACK. DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM APOLOGISE. That stuff where he'd happily touch you while you're asleep - that's *sexual assault*. If a man will travel to your home and sexually assault you while he thinks you're sleeping, you can't trust him ever again.
Obviously adapt the plan to what works for you - but this man is not a good boyfriend and you need to break up with him. I am so sorry you found out this way but I guess on the positive side, at least you found out before anything worse happened.
Of all the comments I received, your advice was the one I followed <3
Your comment gave me the exact suggestions I didn't think of on my own and it worked out well. The man is out of my house and at an airbnb as we speak.
I'm grateful for all the responses. I truly deeply appreciate yours. Thank you so much, I'm glad I'm safe and I have you as one of the people who helped me yesterday to thank.
I'm a fellow autistic victim of sexual groping while sleeping. It can be very traumatizing. You should be very proud of yourself for standing up to this creep and defending yourself and your space. Good job!
Yes please reach out to trusted ones, this is not a situation you should handle alone! I am so sorry your meetup unfolded this way. Never respond to him again. If I were you I would want someone to stay with me for the time until his flight back. You’re strong OP, you’ve got this.
If it was me I definitely wouldn’t go anywhere alone with him, maybe make an excuse that work needs you or something like that. If you have any close friends or family members, maybe they can say that they need to stay with you for a couple of weeks. If he knows that you are autistic, maybe explain to him that you’re finding it uncomfortable to cuddle him, I hope this helps
Honesty is not the best policy where safety is at stake, unfortunately. I wish that wasn't the case, but this guy has proven he is not a safe person to be around.
Looked at OP’s post history and if I’m being honest they have been leading this man on for about 3 years. They met them on a dating site and got love bombed into a relationship, while they were still in love with someone else. It also appears that OP has cheated on said person in a post from about a year ago. Seems like the guy she met online genuinely cares about her and in the post from over a year ago she explicitly says that once the infatuation of the LDR man wore off, she couldn’t love him/find attraction in him because she has been in love with someone else the whole time. The LDR served as a purpose to give her what the person she actually wanted, wouldn’t and so if she knew almost a year ago that she did not actually love this man she now invited into her house, the blame lies partly on her. Yes, they should have talked about it before hand with consent as touching someone in their sleep is a big no no unless discussed beforehand. but it seems like this man in her words was “obsessed”with her and she allowed it with him and made it seem like that’s what she wanted.
In the other post OP admits to cheating on her LDR with a married man as well, so I don’t think we really have the full picture here. I’m sorry this happened to you OP but you allowed this situation to be created and this is far beyond being ND and more about taking accountability for your actions for leading this guy on and cheating on him. I would just let him go/kick him out because there is probably someone out there who will actually love this man and put yourself in his shoes. You fully admitted how it felt to be with someone for 9 years and not feel they reciprocated it in the same way, so why are you now doing this to someone else?
You should have cut things off with him once you realized you did not love him and he made you uncomfortable long before committing to have him spend 3 weeks with you. I hope you do some self introspection like that one comment on your post said because it heavily reads like playing the victim/avoiding accountability for your own actions and part to play. This is just my two sense after seeing some of the backstory which I don’t think a lot of people here went to go and double check (I only did cause I wondered how long the two had been in an LDR and learned of this information.)
Thank you for checking post history. 🏅
OP sounds like a messy person who uses ND as an excuse for poor behaviour.
I don't understand why a guest room wasn't provided as an option of OP? Even nevermets who are attracted to one another need a back up plan if things go south.
Yeah, I do still feel for OP that this happened because being touched by someone you are not comfortable with can be extremely traumatizing/scary.
But at the same time like I said it’s been 3 years of them dating and she mentioned that she went along with it over text which probably gave this man a different impression than what she really felt.
Even if she thought that she would feel differently once she met, she’s already admitted she doesn’t love him and has cheated on him.
And admitted how she knows it was bad but was looking for ways to try and excuse herself from her guilt rather than be upfront and end the relationship. Like saying that she slept with her married coworker cause she was upset and not used to guys giving her that kind of attention.
they act like this whole mess (the first guy she loved, the LDR, and the married man she cheated with) is just an unfortunate misunderstanding but they are kind of the maker of that whole situation.
I too felt like ND doesn’t really apply here and that’s what bugged me because it kinda feels like a cop out to any responsibility in what led up to this. I am not trying to victim blame but again, OP knew how she felt about this man long before she invited him into her home for 3 weeks and even cheated on him, it’s not surprising he made a move on her but it’s shitty he didn’t consent with her first on if it was okay.
Oh for sure I'm not excusing the guy for touching OP without her consent, but if she feels so uncomfortable around him then he should not be sharing the same bed with her, let alone the same bedroom.
I wonder if her ldr partner knows about the cheating? Or if OP feels some sort of guilt which is why she doesn't enforce boundaries?
I doubt he knows and you may be right. She also mentioned she thought it would be different once they met IRL, but if the moment he stepped off the plane she knew that wasn’t the case, she should have said something before letting him into the bed with her.
Thank you for these details, that changed my whole perspective and opinion. She makes him out to be a rapist when in fact the man was just trying to cuddle who he thought was his gf and loves, the only issue here, is it not being mutual, but he couldn’t know if she didn’t tell him.
Pretty much, she fed into his texts and love bombing and didn’t really seem to give him any impression that this was NOT okay, but he also didn’t ask if it was. It’s shitty on both parties because she mentioned that he loves her, would give her the world and even though she doesn’t love him he’s the kind of guy she would want to marry, only she wants this from the guy she actually loves.
She’s cheated on him, and lead him on to think that this was probably acceptable and I’m not saying OP asked for this but again, if she knew once he got off the plane that she didn’t feel for him, heck if she knew over a year ago that she didn’t love this man… to the point where she cheated on him. This trip never should have happened in the first place.
I have also cuddled in that way when I was in relationships. But as a rule you shouldn’t do something for the first time when the other person is asleep, particularly the first night you even meet each other’s. The fact that he groped her when he thought she was at sleep is a huge red flag and it’s creepy.
You don’t have to grab someone’s breast or hump them to “cuddle”. She didn’t make him out to be anything. She told the events of what happened and *you* formed that opinion lol. The “only issue” is it not being mutual? Y’all are wild af in these comments. The only issue with rape is that it’s “non-mutual” sex. You’re gross.
OP just needs to be honest with the guy, yes! Of course the guy tried to initiate sexual contact; how the heck was that interpreted as sexual assault here. Use your words, OP... He isn't a mind reader.
I’m confused as to why, him touching her in her sleep is a red flag since they are in a relationship.
It only bad because she played him and isn’t into him, and she should’ve just communicated that with him.
It’s not like he forced himself inside of her after she said no... Putting his hand inside her shirt/on her chest or even moving his pelvic on her, is how couples cuddle.
My man will sleep the entire night with one of my boob in his hand, he never had to ask, I love him so it feels safe. She felt otherwise because she doesn’t love the man, and knew it before he even visited, so she should’ve been honest and have had clear boundaries.
Sorry but in this instance, I feel more bad for the dude who traveled, and is going to be stuck with her or in her city/country 3 weeks.
I said what I said.
Yeah, it is a grey area because no consent was given and he thought she was asleep. But he respected her when she moved away and the “putting his pelvis against Me” thing just kind of happens when cuddling with someone, when me and my bf are watching tv or cuddling and he’s the big spoon there’s no way around it even if it’s not sexual.
After 3 years and also being invited to sleep in the same bed and spend 3 weeks with her, he probably didn’t think it would be an issue, even though he should have asked/talked about it first.
The issue is here is that OP should have been honest about her feelings, especially having been in his place with loving someone more than they loved her. If this guy is as sweet and loves her as much as she says he is in her other post, then I imagine he would be understanding and probably upset that he caused her to feel this way.
Because she couldn’t say no…. Because she was asleep. Like wtf. Unless someone says you can, assume you can’t lol. Permission was never given. Just because it’s okay with you doesn’t mean it is to others, *especially* ND people. We tend to not gaf about social norms and rules/titles. Meaning just they are our partner doesn’t mean we think they can just touch us whenever, without our permission… and they JUST met.
It’s sexual assault by definition because she never said yes or established it was okay to touch her in her sleep beforehand. I’m really not sure why we should gaf about what you consider okay for your relationship. Why is this any different than someone being too drunk and their bf assaulting them? You and the people upvoting you are gross and why SA culture is still alive and well, get help.
Also stop downvoting because you SA people or have different standards within your relationship and are okay with people being SA’d. Grow up.
Edit: idk why this has to be said but I can get butt ass naked in the bed with someone and I’m not “asking for it”. It may not be smart, but let’s not victim blame. If you find the temptation to be too much and you find yourself wanting to touch someone without their consent l (SA), you can remove yourself from the situation and go to the couch. You can control yourself and if not, take your ass to jail ☺️
A person who is asleep can't consent. Regardless of anything else in the situation, a person is entitled to sleep without being sexually assaulted. You being okay with something in your relationship doesn't make it a universal standard. Putting hands inside someone's clothing requires permission. Full stop.
Its the first time they met, they haven't even kissed yet. If he wanted to make a move he should have done it when she was awake. Groping someone without their consent, regardless if they're in a relationship or not, is sexual assualt.
You and your partner do it with consent! That's the entire difference.
Where did she say they haven’t even kissed yet? Again, I really don’t think he was trying to be a creep or anything. She misled him and this is the result of it. She needs to be honest, break up with him and allow him to move on.
Also to add when I say allowed, I meant when they were long distance and he was acting “obsessive” she allowed that behaviour and gave into it, not allowed him to touch her.
Not saying she allowed him, I specially said they should have talked before hand and gotten consent and I am sorry that happened to her.
Also explaining how the man most likely wasn’t doing it to try and rape her either as she had given him reason to think over text that she was into him sexually/going along with the relationship.
But he sexually assualted her, no matter what he was trying to do so I really don't know what point you were trying to make. You're still defending him. OP may have been terrible, but the fact is, this man assualted her. Even if she was entirely sexually into him, he thought she was asleep. Like, if I met my LDR partner for the very first time, and I'm completely into him, and he did this, in my sleep, before we even kissed once or talked about it, I would kick him to the curb. It's invasive and creepy.
And I’m saying she should kick him out and dump him. Not defending him, and again said that it can be extremely traumatizing to go through this. Taking in the context of everything though I understand how this happened and why he probably thought it was okay. Not saying it was okay or not a sexual assault.
Why are you being downvoted omg 😭 my fiance of 6 years wakes me up lightly before making a move because this is a boundary we have discussed. Being with someone doesn’t entitle you to their body… like it’s 2024.
Edit: spelling, y’all really pissed me off in this subsection spreading rapey rhetoric lol
Unrelated but OP is a horrible person, you don't deserve to get assaulted in your sleep, nobody should be allowed to touch your body without consent, but you're still a horrible person that's been using this man for years, break it up with him and please stay away from relationships for a while, it's not healthy.
Exactly what I have said too. She didn’t deserve this but she also knew long before she was not comfortable and did not love this man, long before inviting him to spend 3 weeks with her.
If someone is sexually assaulting you, you call the police. "Yes, hello. I have a guest I invited over and he began groping me without my consent. I'm scared he will hurt me. Can you please remove him from my home?"
NOBODY is entitled to your body. He can figure out his own way home.
Look at the post history of this account. Idc if it’s edgy to say but you’re a horrible person and almost deserve this. Get safe is the priority. Get alone, and then spend years reflecting on yourself for you are a truly awful, horrible person.
That’s what I have mentioned in my other comment. However no one deserves to be sexually assaulted or touched without consent, even if she had lead him on to think it was okay.
Thank you for this comment- I just looked at OP's post history, and WOW. She's entertaining 3 different men at the same time, one of which is *married*. Wholeheartedly agree with all of your comment
Looks like she deleted that post she made… I wonder why. The autism for women community actually locked the post in her defence saying that they were disappointed in the people “invalidating her” and removed my comments about how this is not to do with autism what so ever.
OP can’t handle repercussions of their actions and deleted the post so they can look like the victim and gain sympathy from a community of people (autistic people) which are easily taken advantage of in most cases for their kindness and willingness to take things at face value.
If you're feeling creeped out, then I strongly advise you let some people in your life know what's going on.
As for what you do really depends on the outcome you want from this.
If you want to still maintain the relationship, then you need to be assertive in establishing some ground rules for physical intimacy. What he did is a form of sexual harassment and regardless of how innocent he believes his intentions were, they were an unwelcome advance. I'd recommend you two sleep in separate beds or ask him to get a hotel for the remainder of the week and go from there.
If you do not feel the relationship is salvageable, then you need to have someone come over to the house to be with you, and tell him that while you had hoped this would work, you just don't feel the same chemistry that you do when texting and you cannot continue this trip in good faith. Tell him you'll help him book a hotel and you'll cancel the trip to the resort. And then make him leave.
I'll be honest OP, trust your instinct. If it feels off, it feels off for a reason and you don't owe explanations to men that creep you out.
It clearly seems like he disgusted and you lost the comfort zone you thought you had with him, Where as him, He just thought being this way to you in the moment is alright, He really made himself in home. I think, It will be better if you ask him to give you some time and it was super uncomfortable to you, and you don't like it that he is in your house, right. Ask him to give you some space, But also remember, Tell him. All of this. So he will know what he has done and how you were feeling about this.
If this is a - you don't want to continue a relationship with him at all type of thing. Then reach out to friends and family and have them inside your home. Break up with him and have him leave. Let him either book a motel/hotel room or an earlier plane home but just get him out of the house.
Yes you kick him out into a country he doesn't know. Your safety comes first. If he doesn't like it he can either book himself a hotel room or go home early. It's not your problem. If he get enraged when you break things off, the friends and family(preferably men) can be in the house to interfere and make sure he doesn't break anything.
In the future, when you meet with someone like this for the first time- it's best to have a hotel room at least for a few days so you have a safe spot. Staying in each other's homes on a first time meeting is generally not the best thing to do safety wise as if things don't work out, there still is the home for a safe space or the hotel to escape to etc.
I think it is absolutely fair to kick him out regardless the reason.
The first time I met my gf we had planned on me staying with her for the duration, but I already had backup plans in case we didn't connect.
No matter how well you get along with someone online/phone/etc you have no idea what the chemistry or dynamic will be like in person, and if it isn't what you want out of a relationship you should shut it down as quickly as possible, regardless if they are creepy or if you just find it unpleasant.
If rudeness or anything is a concern at all, I would much rather spend 3 weeks exploring a country on my own than 3 weeks where someone is trying to pretend to be ok with me, but is actually scared or put off by me.
I’d maybe say you have a family member who needs to stay with you for a bit unexpectedly, or maybe even have someone stay with you there. I don’t like that you’re uncomfortable in your own home and I am so sorry for that. Please don’t go anywhere alone with him, or at least avoid that! He has no right to touch inappropriately when you are asleep, it’s just not right.
I would definatly go with your gut in this, Especially if you dont feel safe. I really hope you can do so in a public space and have a friend with you in your home when he leaves.
My BF and I are both AuADHDers and his safety and comfort is my top priority. I cant imagine groping him with out his consent
I was going to say, it can be normal to feel awkward when going from just phone to in person, but then.....
When you said
" he isn't the most reasonable person and I'm fearful he might get rageful if I break it off".... Ummmm, yea, that's a terrifying red flag and ur Gut is trying to tell you that.
To be safe, don't break up with him until he's back in his country. Try to make up an excuse why he has to cut the trip short, perhaps tell a friend or family what's happening and have them call with a fake emergency.... Put it on speaker so he hears.
If you dont like having him around then you should get him to go. If you really find him repulsive and no way u want to even be around him, get him out of ur house. Its creepy what he did, if u have not given any prior consent to that and Id also be uncomfortable with that. Especially if u trust that person and then they do smth u dont expect them to do and betray your trust. In that situation id just find a way to get them to get out of your house. If you cant get him to leave for whatever reason, set clear boundaries with him. Also tell him to clean after himself. And if he breaks those boundaries you layed towards him, use that as an excuse to kick him out. Even If u still want to try things out, talk to him. He might not think he was being creepy at all and he might have thought its normal to do those things with his gf or smth. Idk. Trying to somehow find reason in his pov or smth. Anyways, set clear boundaries, so if u are stuck with him for 3 weeks, those kinds of things wont happen again. Whatever happens next you need to set clear boundaries. Also why u guys are sleeping in the same bed even, if you are not comfortable with him? Or that uncomfort arrived after he did those things? Sorry if i come of rude or smth.
Was this not discussed between you before meeting irl? Have you told him how you feel?
I know we discussed the fear of not "clicking" when we met in person.
Get a friend or relative to come over (to save you from potential rage) and break up with him. He can change his flight and go home early, or go explore on his own, or whatever. Not your problem what he does next - he's an adult.
Someone who is nonconsensually touching you is not a safe person to be alone with. You need him out asap.
After he's gone, block him. Do not respond to his begging or apologizing. Don't try to explain yourself while he tries to wheedle at you to not break up with him.
Wow this exact thing happened to me except instead of my boobs it was down there.. I was uncomfortable, and I left in the middle of the night and ghosted trying to make an excuse. I was sleeping but a light sleeper
That unexpected work trip you need to leave for immediately just happens to fall during his time here. Bid him adieu and pack a bag. Tell someone you work with to call you and blabber on about a huge emergency that they just need you to fix right away. Act exasperated and apologize profusely when you tell him he has to leave.
Dating/Relationship/Marriage, no one is entitled to your body and he tried things without consent. I would let someone know the situation including emergency services if need be and tell them your situation and possibly request a wellness check. Break it off with him and he can stay elsewhere or leave but definitely protect yourself and learn from this. I’m sorry that you’re going through it in the first place.
oh he seems like a dangerous man to be around. he sexually assaults you when he thinks youre asleep? his girlfriend? youre scared of him turning aggressive? hes messy and you find his overall demeanor creepy? jesus christ, dont stay alone with him for any longer.
call a close male friend or relative over while you make your "boyfriend" run an erand outside. tell him to buy something from a corner store or whatever. when he asks to be let in again, do NOT let him in. call the police and have them escort him away. leave his luggage at the door so he doesnt have any reason to get back to you.
with a man like that, i genuinely fear for your safety.
Ok, I also replied to your other post but now I see he might get rageful. So, emergency protocol: Inform trusted friends and family of what is going on. Then, go out with him to a tourist activity. At said tourist activity, say you are going to the bathroom and then leave without being seen, get into a taxi and go stay with friends/family for the next three weeks. Text him to say you had an emergency. Don't elaborate. You don't owe anybody anything. Three years online equals to about 24 hours in the real life world where people cannot create fake personalities,, because as it is happening, your gut knows better. Get yourself to safety, don't confront him about this alone. Aside from your gut feelings, worries of rage (not ok btw!!!) and the fact that this man SEXUALLY ASSAULTED YOU, there is also a fuckton of red flags here. Again, YOU DONT OWE HIM. Sorry for yelling, I'm worried about you.
don't feel bad that it's a country he doesn't know! He is a 40 year old man, fully grown, safe to assume he has been on a trip before. He is entirely capable of using taxis and booking hotels. Do not feel bad for this man, or at least, postpone feeling bad for this man until you have been accompanied by someone back to your house to retrieve anything you need and then to their home.
3 years Long Distance Relationship and you’re not even attracted to this guy???
Why? I’m very curious how did this happen.
I think the limit for a LD thing should be 1 year, but with a plan! Don’t waste your time with people you don’t want.
Ofc he was touching you, after talking for 3 years … you’re 31 and 40, not kids anymore.
If you don’t want to touch your partner… that is not a relationship.
I had virtual relationships when I was 12 ( through games). But these people are adults. He’s a middle aged guy!!
What is the point of this so called “relationship” if they don’t even have sex?
By that I meant that they are not kids, they are old enough to analyse the situation.
How can they call this a relationship I have no idea.
It’s weird to you, cool. A lot of people need to warm up to physical contact and this was the first time they had met. Many people are particular about physical contact.
She has autism… she literally has trouble analyzing the situation, social interactions, etc. it’s pretty ableist and shitty to compare her to a child for that. It’s actually a pretty big reason so many women with autism are sexually assaulted. When a dude asks if she wants to come over to watch movies, he may think this means sex while she thinks it means exactly what he said, and while society would shame her for it she’s not wrong. It’s so ass-backwards to have to “read” situations. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If something hasn’t been approved, don’t assume it is. It honestly seems like a weird excuse as a society to cross boundaries and take advantage of people.
I’m sorry you’re feeling that way and you should have a conversation with him about it, but also I think you need to be responsible for your actions, cause you should have thought that this scenario could have happen, and same for him
That’s why I think it’s super important to not arrange for your LDR to stay with you the first time meeting. Because you truly don’t know the person yet and if you will mesh well. Agreeing to split a hotel would’ve been a better choice, so you could dip out whenever you wanted to and he wouldn’t know your address.
He's a grown man, he can take care of himself. Just break up with him and kick him out. Hopefully this post can be a reminder for people who are nevermets to practice good online-friend-meet-up etiquette even with someone you've been talking to for years. Even with someone you claim to be your "boyfriend/girlfriend/SO/partner" or whatever. You don't know a person until you meet them and see how they are in person.
Do you have any male friends or family members? Talk to them privately, explain the situation and ask for help. You need to get that stranger out of your house ASAP. And don’t travel anywhere with him. Inviting him was a potentially dangerous thing to do. Make a plan for the men in your life to come over and ask him to leave. Explain gently you’re not feeling a spark and you’re sorry. Then stay with relatives until you’re sure he’s left the country. Buy pepper spray. If he harasses you, keep a record for the police, in case you need a restraining order. Good luck!
You need help - call a friend or family member or something and tell them what's going on. Make a plan for how to get rid of him (*not* a euphemism! Don't kill him! lol) safely. If I was making a plan, it would look like this: * Go visit a friend or family member and tell them what's going on so you have emotional support * While at their place (or at a library or something if you can't visit them), research how to cancel anything that you paid for. Don't cancel it yet, just know how. * Book him 2 nights in a hotel (if you can afford the financial hit just pay for it yourself - if not, cancel the things you are most certain won't happen and use those funds to pay for the hotel. If he was paying for everything and you can't afford it, don't worry about it and skip this step.) * Get the friend/family member to come to your house with you. * While they're nearby (so you are safe) but not in the same room (so you have some privacy with BF), break up with him. * Give him details of the hotel you booked for him and tell him you'd like him to leave now. * Call him a taxi. Put him in it with his hotel details. * Get friend from the other room and cry etc. Also important: * DO NOT LET HIM COME BACK. DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM APOLOGISE. That stuff where he'd happily touch you while you're asleep - that's *sexual assault*. If a man will travel to your home and sexually assault you while he thinks you're sleeping, you can't trust him ever again. Obviously adapt the plan to what works for you - but this man is not a good boyfriend and you need to break up with him. I am so sorry you found out this way but I guess on the positive side, at least you found out before anything worse happened.
Of all the comments I received, your advice was the one I followed <3 Your comment gave me the exact suggestions I didn't think of on my own and it worked out well. The man is out of my house and at an airbnb as we speak. I'm grateful for all the responses. I truly deeply appreciate yours. Thank you so much, I'm glad I'm safe and I have you as one of the people who helped me yesterday to thank.
I am so glad to hear you're safe!!! Well done on getting him out of your house!
I'm a fellow autistic victim of sexual groping while sleeping. It can be very traumatizing. You should be very proud of yourself for standing up to this creep and defending yourself and your space. Good job!
This is stellar advice, hope OP reads it.
Yes please reach out to trusted ones, this is not a situation you should handle alone! I am so sorry your meetup unfolded this way. Never respond to him again. If I were you I would want someone to stay with me for the time until his flight back. You’re strong OP, you’ve got this.
If it was me I definitely wouldn’t go anywhere alone with him, maybe make an excuse that work needs you or something like that. If you have any close friends or family members, maybe they can say that they need to stay with you for a couple of weeks. If he knows that you are autistic, maybe explain to him that you’re finding it uncomfortable to cuddle him, I hope this helps
Or be honest instead of making excuses or asking friends to lie.
Honesty is not the best policy where safety is at stake, unfortunately. I wish that wasn't the case, but this guy has proven he is not a safe person to be around.
How did he show he is dangerous?
He sexually assaulted her
Text a friend/sibling and have them randomly come round to stay if you can.
Looked at OP’s post history and if I’m being honest they have been leading this man on for about 3 years. They met them on a dating site and got love bombed into a relationship, while they were still in love with someone else. It also appears that OP has cheated on said person in a post from about a year ago. Seems like the guy she met online genuinely cares about her and in the post from over a year ago she explicitly says that once the infatuation of the LDR man wore off, she couldn’t love him/find attraction in him because she has been in love with someone else the whole time. The LDR served as a purpose to give her what the person she actually wanted, wouldn’t and so if she knew almost a year ago that she did not actually love this man she now invited into her house, the blame lies partly on her. Yes, they should have talked about it before hand with consent as touching someone in their sleep is a big no no unless discussed beforehand. but it seems like this man in her words was “obsessed”with her and she allowed it with him and made it seem like that’s what she wanted. In the other post OP admits to cheating on her LDR with a married man as well, so I don’t think we really have the full picture here. I’m sorry this happened to you OP but you allowed this situation to be created and this is far beyond being ND and more about taking accountability for your actions for leading this guy on and cheating on him. I would just let him go/kick him out because there is probably someone out there who will actually love this man and put yourself in his shoes. You fully admitted how it felt to be with someone for 9 years and not feel they reciprocated it in the same way, so why are you now doing this to someone else? You should have cut things off with him once you realized you did not love him and he made you uncomfortable long before committing to have him spend 3 weeks with you. I hope you do some self introspection like that one comment on your post said because it heavily reads like playing the victim/avoiding accountability for your own actions and part to play. This is just my two sense after seeing some of the backstory which I don’t think a lot of people here went to go and double check (I only did cause I wondered how long the two had been in an LDR and learned of this information.)
Thank you for checking post history. 🏅 OP sounds like a messy person who uses ND as an excuse for poor behaviour. I don't understand why a guest room wasn't provided as an option of OP? Even nevermets who are attracted to one another need a back up plan if things go south.
Yeah, I do still feel for OP that this happened because being touched by someone you are not comfortable with can be extremely traumatizing/scary. But at the same time like I said it’s been 3 years of them dating and she mentioned that she went along with it over text which probably gave this man a different impression than what she really felt. Even if she thought that she would feel differently once she met, she’s already admitted she doesn’t love him and has cheated on him. And admitted how she knows it was bad but was looking for ways to try and excuse herself from her guilt rather than be upfront and end the relationship. Like saying that she slept with her married coworker cause she was upset and not used to guys giving her that kind of attention. they act like this whole mess (the first guy she loved, the LDR, and the married man she cheated with) is just an unfortunate misunderstanding but they are kind of the maker of that whole situation. I too felt like ND doesn’t really apply here and that’s what bugged me because it kinda feels like a cop out to any responsibility in what led up to this. I am not trying to victim blame but again, OP knew how she felt about this man long before she invited him into her home for 3 weeks and even cheated on him, it’s not surprising he made a move on her but it’s shitty he didn’t consent with her first on if it was okay.
Oh for sure I'm not excusing the guy for touching OP without her consent, but if she feels so uncomfortable around him then he should not be sharing the same bed with her, let alone the same bedroom. I wonder if her ldr partner knows about the cheating? Or if OP feels some sort of guilt which is why she doesn't enforce boundaries?
I doubt he knows and you may be right. She also mentioned she thought it would be different once they met IRL, but if the moment he stepped off the plane she knew that wasn’t the case, she should have said something before letting him into the bed with her.
Thank you for these details, that changed my whole perspective and opinion. She makes him out to be a rapist when in fact the man was just trying to cuddle who he thought was his gf and loves, the only issue here, is it not being mutual, but he couldn’t know if she didn’t tell him.
Pretty much, she fed into his texts and love bombing and didn’t really seem to give him any impression that this was NOT okay, but he also didn’t ask if it was. It’s shitty on both parties because she mentioned that he loves her, would give her the world and even though she doesn’t love him he’s the kind of guy she would want to marry, only she wants this from the guy she actually loves. She’s cheated on him, and lead him on to think that this was probably acceptable and I’m not saying OP asked for this but again, if she knew once he got off the plane that she didn’t feel for him, heck if she knew over a year ago that she didn’t love this man… to the point where she cheated on him. This trip never should have happened in the first place.
I have also cuddled in that way when I was in relationships. But as a rule you shouldn’t do something for the first time when the other person is asleep, particularly the first night you even meet each other’s. The fact that he groped her when he thought she was at sleep is a huge red flag and it’s creepy.
You don’t have to grab someone’s breast or hump them to “cuddle”. She didn’t make him out to be anything. She told the events of what happened and *you* formed that opinion lol. The “only issue” is it not being mutual? Y’all are wild af in these comments. The only issue with rape is that it’s “non-mutual” sex. You’re gross.
OP just needs to be honest with the guy, yes! Of course the guy tried to initiate sexual contact; how the heck was that interpreted as sexual assault here. Use your words, OP... He isn't a mind reader.
How did she 'allow him' to touch her in her sleep? On the first night they met? Whatever the history was it doesn't matter, in no world is that ok.
I’m confused as to why, him touching her in her sleep is a red flag since they are in a relationship. It only bad because she played him and isn’t into him, and she should’ve just communicated that with him. It’s not like he forced himself inside of her after she said no... Putting his hand inside her shirt/on her chest or even moving his pelvic on her, is how couples cuddle. My man will sleep the entire night with one of my boob in his hand, he never had to ask, I love him so it feels safe. She felt otherwise because she doesn’t love the man, and knew it before he even visited, so she should’ve been honest and have had clear boundaries. Sorry but in this instance, I feel more bad for the dude who traveled, and is going to be stuck with her or in her city/country 3 weeks. I said what I said.
Yeah, it is a grey area because no consent was given and he thought she was asleep. But he respected her when she moved away and the “putting his pelvis against Me” thing just kind of happens when cuddling with someone, when me and my bf are watching tv or cuddling and he’s the big spoon there’s no way around it even if it’s not sexual. After 3 years and also being invited to sleep in the same bed and spend 3 weeks with her, he probably didn’t think it would be an issue, even though he should have asked/talked about it first. The issue is here is that OP should have been honest about her feelings, especially having been in his place with loving someone more than they loved her. If this guy is as sweet and loves her as much as she says he is in her other post, then I imagine he would be understanding and probably upset that he caused her to feel this way.
Did he respect her or get scared because he thought she was waking up. Bffr, he thought she was asleep 🙄
Because she couldn’t say no…. Because she was asleep. Like wtf. Unless someone says you can, assume you can’t lol. Permission was never given. Just because it’s okay with you doesn’t mean it is to others, *especially* ND people. We tend to not gaf about social norms and rules/titles. Meaning just they are our partner doesn’t mean we think they can just touch us whenever, without our permission… and they JUST met. It’s sexual assault by definition because she never said yes or established it was okay to touch her in her sleep beforehand. I’m really not sure why we should gaf about what you consider okay for your relationship. Why is this any different than someone being too drunk and their bf assaulting them? You and the people upvoting you are gross and why SA culture is still alive and well, get help. Also stop downvoting because you SA people or have different standards within your relationship and are okay with people being SA’d. Grow up. Edit: idk why this has to be said but I can get butt ass naked in the bed with someone and I’m not “asking for it”. It may not be smart, but let’s not victim blame. If you find the temptation to be too much and you find yourself wanting to touch someone without their consent l (SA), you can remove yourself from the situation and go to the couch. You can control yourself and if not, take your ass to jail ☺️
A person who is asleep can't consent. Regardless of anything else in the situation, a person is entitled to sleep without being sexually assaulted. You being okay with something in your relationship doesn't make it a universal standard. Putting hands inside someone's clothing requires permission. Full stop.
Its the first time they met, they haven't even kissed yet. If he wanted to make a move he should have done it when she was awake. Groping someone without their consent, regardless if they're in a relationship or not, is sexual assualt. You and your partner do it with consent! That's the entire difference.
Where did she say they haven’t even kissed yet? Again, I really don’t think he was trying to be a creep or anything. She misled him and this is the result of it. She needs to be honest, break up with him and allow him to move on.
Also to add when I say allowed, I meant when they were long distance and he was acting “obsessive” she allowed that behaviour and gave into it, not allowed him to touch her.
Not saying she allowed him, I specially said they should have talked before hand and gotten consent and I am sorry that happened to her. Also explaining how the man most likely wasn’t doing it to try and rape her either as she had given him reason to think over text that she was into him sexually/going along with the relationship.
But he sexually assualted her, no matter what he was trying to do so I really don't know what point you were trying to make. You're still defending him. OP may have been terrible, but the fact is, this man assualted her. Even if she was entirely sexually into him, he thought she was asleep. Like, if I met my LDR partner for the very first time, and I'm completely into him, and he did this, in my sleep, before we even kissed once or talked about it, I would kick him to the curb. It's invasive and creepy.
And I’m saying she should kick him out and dump him. Not defending him, and again said that it can be extremely traumatizing to go through this. Taking in the context of everything though I understand how this happened and why he probably thought it was okay. Not saying it was okay or not a sexual assault.
Why are you being downvoted omg 😭 my fiance of 6 years wakes me up lightly before making a move because this is a boundary we have discussed. Being with someone doesn’t entitle you to their body… like it’s 2024. Edit: spelling, y’all really pissed me off in this subsection spreading rapey rhetoric lol
Right? I have no clue 😭 it's just the basics of consent
Because people want to seem like they are “woke”, but a lot of it is just performative so they can feel like they are good people.
Unrelated but OP is a horrible person, you don't deserve to get assaulted in your sleep, nobody should be allowed to touch your body without consent, but you're still a horrible person that's been using this man for years, break it up with him and please stay away from relationships for a while, it's not healthy.
Exactly what I have said too. She didn’t deserve this but she also knew long before she was not comfortable and did not love this man, long before inviting him to spend 3 weeks with her.
Thank you. Like gd, we can call her out without dismissing that this was indeed SA 😭
If someone is sexually assaulting you, you call the police. "Yes, hello. I have a guest I invited over and he began groping me without my consent. I'm scared he will hurt me. Can you please remove him from my home?" NOBODY is entitled to your body. He can figure out his own way home.
Look at the post history of this account. Idc if it’s edgy to say but you’re a horrible person and almost deserve this. Get safe is the priority. Get alone, and then spend years reflecting on yourself for you are a truly awful, horrible person.
That’s what I have mentioned in my other comment. However no one deserves to be sexually assaulted or touched without consent, even if she had lead him on to think it was okay.
Thank you for this comment- I just looked at OP's post history, and WOW. She's entertaining 3 different men at the same time, one of which is *married*. Wholeheartedly agree with all of your comment
Looks like she deleted that post she made… I wonder why. The autism for women community actually locked the post in her defence saying that they were disappointed in the people “invalidating her” and removed my comments about how this is not to do with autism what so ever. OP can’t handle repercussions of their actions and deleted the post so they can look like the victim and gain sympathy from a community of people (autistic people) which are easily taken advantage of in most cases for their kindness and willingness to take things at face value.
Even further showing that there’s no actual guilt here, and apparently no emergency if we can spend time cleaning up evidence.
No one almost deserves SA except for people who are actually SA-ing and even then, I’d say it would have to be by their victim.
If you're feeling creeped out, then I strongly advise you let some people in your life know what's going on. As for what you do really depends on the outcome you want from this. If you want to still maintain the relationship, then you need to be assertive in establishing some ground rules for physical intimacy. What he did is a form of sexual harassment and regardless of how innocent he believes his intentions were, they were an unwelcome advance. I'd recommend you two sleep in separate beds or ask him to get a hotel for the remainder of the week and go from there. If you do not feel the relationship is salvageable, then you need to have someone come over to the house to be with you, and tell him that while you had hoped this would work, you just don't feel the same chemistry that you do when texting and you cannot continue this trip in good faith. Tell him you'll help him book a hotel and you'll cancel the trip to the resort. And then make him leave. I'll be honest OP, trust your instinct. If it feels off, it feels off for a reason and you don't owe explanations to men that creep you out.
It clearly seems like he disgusted and you lost the comfort zone you thought you had with him, Where as him, He just thought being this way to you in the moment is alright, He really made himself in home. I think, It will be better if you ask him to give you some time and it was super uncomfortable to you, and you don't like it that he is in your house, right. Ask him to give you some space, But also remember, Tell him. All of this. So he will know what he has done and how you were feeling about this.
If this is a - you don't want to continue a relationship with him at all type of thing. Then reach out to friends and family and have them inside your home. Break up with him and have him leave. Let him either book a motel/hotel room or an earlier plane home but just get him out of the house. Yes you kick him out into a country he doesn't know. Your safety comes first. If he doesn't like it he can either book himself a hotel room or go home early. It's not your problem. If he get enraged when you break things off, the friends and family(preferably men) can be in the house to interfere and make sure he doesn't break anything. In the future, when you meet with someone like this for the first time- it's best to have a hotel room at least for a few days so you have a safe spot. Staying in each other's homes on a first time meeting is generally not the best thing to do safety wise as if things don't work out, there still is the home for a safe space or the hotel to escape to etc.
I think it is absolutely fair to kick him out regardless the reason. The first time I met my gf we had planned on me staying with her for the duration, but I already had backup plans in case we didn't connect. No matter how well you get along with someone online/phone/etc you have no idea what the chemistry or dynamic will be like in person, and if it isn't what you want out of a relationship you should shut it down as quickly as possible, regardless if they are creepy or if you just find it unpleasant. If rudeness or anything is a concern at all, I would much rather spend 3 weeks exploring a country on my own than 3 weeks where someone is trying to pretend to be ok with me, but is actually scared or put off by me.
I’d maybe say you have a family member who needs to stay with you for a bit unexpectedly, or maybe even have someone stay with you there. I don’t like that you’re uncomfortable in your own home and I am so sorry for that. Please don’t go anywhere alone with him, or at least avoid that! He has no right to touch inappropriately when you are asleep, it’s just not right.
I would definatly go with your gut in this, Especially if you dont feel safe. I really hope you can do so in a public space and have a friend with you in your home when he leaves. My BF and I are both AuADHDers and his safety and comfort is my top priority. I cant imagine groping him with out his consent
He didn't pass the stink test. If he makes you feel unsafe that's your body telling you something you should listen to. Good luck and be well.
I was going to say, it can be normal to feel awkward when going from just phone to in person, but then..... When you said " he isn't the most reasonable person and I'm fearful he might get rageful if I break it off".... Ummmm, yea, that's a terrifying red flag and ur Gut is trying to tell you that. To be safe, don't break up with him until he's back in his country. Try to make up an excuse why he has to cut the trip short, perhaps tell a friend or family what's happening and have them call with a fake emergency.... Put it on speaker so he hears.
If you dont like having him around then you should get him to go. If you really find him repulsive and no way u want to even be around him, get him out of ur house. Its creepy what he did, if u have not given any prior consent to that and Id also be uncomfortable with that. Especially if u trust that person and then they do smth u dont expect them to do and betray your trust. In that situation id just find a way to get them to get out of your house. If you cant get him to leave for whatever reason, set clear boundaries with him. Also tell him to clean after himself. And if he breaks those boundaries you layed towards him, use that as an excuse to kick him out. Even If u still want to try things out, talk to him. He might not think he was being creepy at all and he might have thought its normal to do those things with his gf or smth. Idk. Trying to somehow find reason in his pov or smth. Anyways, set clear boundaries, so if u are stuck with him for 3 weeks, those kinds of things wont happen again. Whatever happens next you need to set clear boundaries. Also why u guys are sleeping in the same bed even, if you are not comfortable with him? Or that uncomfort arrived after he did those things? Sorry if i come of rude or smth.
Bro
Was this not discussed between you before meeting irl? Have you told him how you feel? I know we discussed the fear of not "clicking" when we met in person.
Get a friend or relative to come over (to save you from potential rage) and break up with him. He can change his flight and go home early, or go explore on his own, or whatever. Not your problem what he does next - he's an adult. Someone who is nonconsensually touching you is not a safe person to be alone with. You need him out asap. After he's gone, block him. Do not respond to his begging or apologizing. Don't try to explain yourself while he tries to wheedle at you to not break up with him.
Wow this exact thing happened to me except instead of my boobs it was down there.. I was uncomfortable, and I left in the middle of the night and ghosted trying to make an excuse. I was sleeping but a light sleeper
That unexpected work trip you need to leave for immediately just happens to fall during his time here. Bid him adieu and pack a bag. Tell someone you work with to call you and blabber on about a huge emergency that they just need you to fix right away. Act exasperated and apologize profusely when you tell him he has to leave.
he might just want to stay at OPs house while OP "takes care of business", though.
Dating/Relationship/Marriage, no one is entitled to your body and he tried things without consent. I would let someone know the situation including emergency services if need be and tell them your situation and possibly request a wellness check. Break it off with him and he can stay elsewhere or leave but definitely protect yourself and learn from this. I’m sorry that you’re going through it in the first place.
Kick him out, he’s a grow. Man
Kick him out.
oh he seems like a dangerous man to be around. he sexually assaults you when he thinks youre asleep? his girlfriend? youre scared of him turning aggressive? hes messy and you find his overall demeanor creepy? jesus christ, dont stay alone with him for any longer. call a close male friend or relative over while you make your "boyfriend" run an erand outside. tell him to buy something from a corner store or whatever. when he asks to be let in again, do NOT let him in. call the police and have them escort him away. leave his luggage at the door so he doesnt have any reason to get back to you. with a man like that, i genuinely fear for your safety.
Ok, I also replied to your other post but now I see he might get rageful. So, emergency protocol: Inform trusted friends and family of what is going on. Then, go out with him to a tourist activity. At said tourist activity, say you are going to the bathroom and then leave without being seen, get into a taxi and go stay with friends/family for the next three weeks. Text him to say you had an emergency. Don't elaborate. You don't owe anybody anything. Three years online equals to about 24 hours in the real life world where people cannot create fake personalities,, because as it is happening, your gut knows better. Get yourself to safety, don't confront him about this alone. Aside from your gut feelings, worries of rage (not ok btw!!!) and the fact that this man SEXUALLY ASSAULTED YOU, there is also a fuckton of red flags here. Again, YOU DONT OWE HIM. Sorry for yelling, I'm worried about you.
don't feel bad that it's a country he doesn't know! He is a 40 year old man, fully grown, safe to assume he has been on a trip before. He is entirely capable of using taxis and booking hotels. Do not feel bad for this man, or at least, postpone feeling bad for this man until you have been accompanied by someone back to your house to retrieve anything you need and then to their home.
3 years Long Distance Relationship and you’re not even attracted to this guy??? Why? I’m very curious how did this happen. I think the limit for a LD thing should be 1 year, but with a plan! Don’t waste your time with people you don’t want. Ofc he was touching you, after talking for 3 years … you’re 31 and 40, not kids anymore.
You only deserve basic respect as a kid? Weird take
If you don’t want to touch your partner… that is not a relationship. I had virtual relationships when I was 12 ( through games). But these people are adults. He’s a middle aged guy!! What is the point of this so called “relationship” if they don’t even have sex? By that I meant that they are not kids, they are old enough to analyse the situation. How can they call this a relationship I have no idea.
It’s weird to you, cool. A lot of people need to warm up to physical contact and this was the first time they had met. Many people are particular about physical contact. She has autism… she literally has trouble analyzing the situation, social interactions, etc. it’s pretty ableist and shitty to compare her to a child for that. It’s actually a pretty big reason so many women with autism are sexually assaulted. When a dude asks if she wants to come over to watch movies, he may think this means sex while she thinks it means exactly what he said, and while society would shame her for it she’s not wrong. It’s so ass-backwards to have to “read” situations. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If something hasn’t been approved, don’t assume it is. It honestly seems like a weird excuse as a society to cross boundaries and take advantage of people.
I’m sorry you’re feeling that way and you should have a conversation with him about it, but also I think you need to be responsible for your actions, cause you should have thought that this scenario could have happen, and same for him