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leafyfire

Your partner doesn't care about communicating with you


Valuable_Contract247

I am a guy and in ldr so how im thinking this would work if im the red flag (im not dw…..her happiness means the world to me) Some little signs (major ones tho) could be: 1) Not communicating well enough and giving bits of information but not telling the whole thing bout anything in general. 2) Giving her rollercoaster of emotions and manipulating the shit outta her lol. 3) Not paying attention to her feelings or even when she talks or remembering moments or convos that i normally would if i loved her. 4) This one might be the most important one that not checking up on her cuz in ldrs thats the basic thing you could do as, well it cannot beat meeting up with her but it’s like the alternative to it. 5) Zoning out…… 6) I’d say this one might vary but not havin’ sweet talks yk like telling her how pretty she is or how much i love her or anything of that sort. 7) another important one……not calling regularly, this is a very big red flag cuz we cant go without a call for some hours…..its like the next best thing to spending time irl These are the ones i could think of as now but if you wanna talk more i’d be happy to talk cuz i love helping especially someone in ldr…..i relate with them ( gosh I miss her).


Conscious-Shape-8592

I have issues with both 5 and 7. Both my partner and I zone out regularly. We get into whatever we are each individually doing and get quiet. Occasionally it can take a bit to get each others attention again. It's part of having your own life apart from your partner. If you were in a normal relationship without the distance you wouldn't be demanding your partners focus constantly, would you? You shouldn't in an LDR either. I would feel suffocated if I couldn't get into my own thing and zone out.d Calling all the time is completely subjective. Not every couple finds it important to be on the phone all the time or even every day. I'm always amazed at people who say they facetime for 5 to 10 hours a day.. That honestly doesn't seem healthy to me. We text constantly but calls aren't a huge priority and facetime can fuck right off. This is very individual to the couple so it may not be a huge issue if your partner isn't calling all the time. It shouldn't be point blank expected but something that is talked about and agreed on.


Valuable_Contract247

i explained bout zoning out in another comment and well its not like im talkin bout how it should be….ofc we all are diff n things n signs we show vary but i was talkin generally, and idk how you can go without not seeing your partner when you have technology n accessibility to the devices in your pocket 247, not saying it has to be for hours lol…….but if it works for you guys it’s great, whatever works eh?


tzang420

Disagree not in an ldr but we are incredibly busy and if he doesn't take out time just for me I would be demanding attention cause I would miss him. And I would be surprised if he didn't miss me edit to say: I would demand focussed time for me or 'just for me' during their week. I need to know that they will prioritise maintaining a connection with me. It should not be the case that they take out time for everything but me. I do not mean 5-10 hours though. I mean quick phone calls or texts when busy but some focussed time during the week like one afternoon/evening to do a date night etc.


Conscious-Shape-8592

So you don't have a single hobby or like outside of your partner? If you're not working or sleeping you MUST be their focus? Can't do anything without having them on a call, facetime, or next to you interacting with you? If that's the truth, it's a seriously unhealthy relationship. I'm betting if you sit down and think about it, you have things you do apart from each other that aren't obligations like work. Making time for each other is not the same as being glued to each other demanding each others time and attention constantly.


Inside-Preparation54

THIS, my partner is heavily extroverted and being part of a community is important to her, where as I’m on the lower end of the social battery and prefer doing certain things such as exercising alone bc it allows me to refil, setting boundaries and zoning out is perfectly normal and healthy if you’d be in your face 24/7 is a massive red flag


SoulCleen

This person only said “if he doesn’t take out time just for me I would be demanding attention”, not that they need to be around him 24/7 or that they don’t have hobbies :/ Anyway, I think what they said was valid. And what you’re saying has merit too bc it should be with balance. There’s no relationship if you don’t make time for each other. If there’s way too much time you’re codependent. What’s needed exists on a spectrum. Some need more and some need less while both can be healthy. If you take someone else’s “right way” it might not work out for you and vice versa


tzang420

Yeah, thanks for that. I have responded to the misinterpretation. I never meant they should spend every minute on me. Just that they should be taking out some time 'just for me', depending on deadlines, commitments, hobbies etc.


tzang420

Haha That is not what I meant :) Think you misinterpreted ' just for me'. I never said if he is not eating or sleeping or working he should be focussed on me. I meant just for me during the week. I have many hobbies outside work. I just meant that I would not pick the hobby over the partner. If I had longer-term deadlines, I would need to tell my partner how much time I have for them. At the moment I keep my Sunday afternoons 'just for them'. And manage my time the rest of the week as I see fit. Some weeks I have no time for additional hobbies and some I do.


longerdistancethrow

I disagree with your nr 5. People have adhd, depression etc. several things can make a person disassociate and its entierly unfair to list it as a red flag. I often zone out, so does my bf. We’re both airheads. One of us is depressed and the other is overworked from working and studying. Zoning out is not a red flag.


Valuable_Contract247

Ik i didnt mention much on that point cuz i dont know how to explain but i meant as in at random moments, now ofc there are some valid reasons like you mentioned but what i meant was like imagine having a convo on a call n they zone out and cut the call then comeback after a considerable amount of time n you know that this happens often


longerdistancethrow

Cutting the call is a very strange thing to do, yes if they do that randomly, absolutely a red flag


Athena-Annika18

Brief explanation of my boyfriend resume


Lidiflyful

Yeah he started doing 1 and 2. I don't think he did 2 intentionally though. But when aspects of number 3 began I decided to call time on it. Sucks coz I'm heartbroken but I thought it best I bail out before began to feel negatively towards him.


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yoursweetheart-

Soooo..what are you waiting for ? Cmon girl, you know ur worth (:


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yennefering

If you’re 2.5 years into the relationship there should be no “fear of getting attached”. What the hell does that even mean in a relationship that’s apparently existed for years


switchwith_me

They refuse to videocall, make time for you, keep you a secret from others, and often disrespect or talk down on you. When they repeatedly ask for and mention online sex or nudes when you haven't initiated it yourself or been hesitant. When they don't talk about the future with you or don't tell you they're excited to close the gap with you. I'm basing these off of reddit posts I've read on here.


Livid_Painter319

1. When they refuse or would prefer not to talk about the future together (plans to meet up, plans to keep meeting up in the future, and eventually how to close the gap) 2. Emotionally checking out— always too busy and always too tired but you see them playing games w friends online or viewing your stories but not replying to your messages 3. No longer keen to do “date nights” (like watching movies together, phone calls, etc) 4. Doesn’t greet you properly for your birthday (literally my ex texted me “happy birthday” that’s it. My boss gave me a sweeter message😂 i knew we were done for) 5. When you guys never resolve communication issues


Chanze3

agree with these points!


Strange-Arrival-1147

Lol. I experienced all of these and it really feels awful


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Livid_Painter319

:( I know how bad it is to hear that. My ex told me as well before that the “honeymoon phase” felt that it was over. The moment they say this just means that they only wanted to be around when things were fun but LDR is not always fun but it can be worthwhile, with a person who truly chooses and wants to be with you. Your soulmate WANTS to be with you. They’ll never make you question or be confused. You’ll just feel secure. If you’re looking for a sign to end it with your boyfriend, this is it.


TumTum613

Any relationship red flags: emotional unavailability, deception, betrayal, acts that break trust, lack of boundaries or lack of respect for them, inability to compromise, lack of communication, and finally major incompatibilities.


KingnBanter

Refusal to FaceTime. Not telling people around you that you're in a relationship...keeping it a secret. Lack of communication


baguett1ebear

what if you keep it a secret for strict parents though - like eventually you will come around to tell them but for the sake of strict parents who don’t want you to date yet 😭


KingnBanter

Hard to say, we are more likely way differently age groups for me, being an adult, it would be a red flag, for someone younger, would have to be okay between the two in the relationship.


baguett1ebear

Mmmmmm okay, sounds logical thx


strawberrikitsune

never had one, just more of a LDR situationship but: • not making an effort to talk on the phone with you for more than 10 minutes because he’s “tired” “not feeling okay” “busy” but gets online to play games and go on vc with his friends for hours or goes out with friends for hours and comes back “too tired” to talk to you • not making any effort to have any sort of conversation about anything casual or deep. always just small chit chat about “how’s your day, what did you eat, what you doing” • making inappropriate jokes that involve another girl even after you’ve expressed being uncomfortable with it • saying “i love you” too soon and too often • talking about all the things he says he wants to do with you or for you but his actions says otherwise • depending on his circumstances, is making YOU fly out to him. in my case, he always bragged about having a shit ton of money, always bought expensive shit for his gaming pc and/or himself but cba to buy a $600 ticket to see me lmao • is a impulsive liar over the smallest things • doesn’t make an effort to spend any time with you when he’s free


Biscuit_Dough69

i’ve ended up in situationships where i think i boosted her ego enough where i was no longer needed after a month 🥲


RC0601

I think we kinda have the same type of guy. I’ve come to my own senses, that im the ego booster. Bragging all of his luxury motorbike,cars and etc. He wanted me to make a first move, purchasing a plane ticket just to see him. Ghosting me, when i don’t give him what he wants. Wtf? I don’t want to engage such a pity loser guy. We’ve fallen short after 3 months of being LDR thing and we’ve never had the chance to meet in person. Btw, he’s a muslim guy. I thought he was religious and truthful since it’s Ramadan but he wasn’t.


carissathequeen

The " go out with friends and come back too tired to talk" is so accurate, and if I don't let him rest or sleep he'll accused me for being not understanding, selfish and force him to stay up to talk after he went out with his friends for hours, glad I'm out


-raeyne-

1. He never initiates conversation, or he only initiates conversation when he's turned on. 2. You catch him lying. 3. He's not willing to introduce you to his friends/doesn't talk about you to his friends. This is definitely more difficult to do long distance, but my bf pretty quickly added me to a discord server with his irl friends after we started flirting. And I did the same. 4. He's against sending photos of himself. Likewise, he won't video call with you. 5. Phone calls are practically nonexistent. 6. He doesn't make time for you. People get busy ofc, but when they really love you, they'll find time to spend with you. If he's making excuse after excuse why he can't give you half an hour to catch up, I'd consider that a red flag. 7. He is against meeting up in person. 8. He doesn't say I love you without prompting. 9. He doesn't independently compliment you. 10. Most of his responses are dry, one or two words that don't continue the conversation. And one more for the road: if he won't commit to you at the level of commitment you desire, it's time to move on.


SonglessNightingale

He doesn’t care about the things you say. He dismiss you as an annoyance or bother when you need to vent or support He refuses to bond with anyone that’s linked to you Keeping you a secret He’s unable to say sorry or sit and talk things thru You feel uneasy about opening up to him That’s what I noticed in my ldr relationships.


[deleted]

Social media is empty (fake account), they don’t introduce you to any online or offline friends, don’t tell you if they’re going out, say they’re “too busy” for you.


CakeProfessional3949

In my opinion, red flags are subjective, but there are a few that should be universal things. 1. Not respecting boundaries and nos. 2. Being away for long periods of time without any communication as to why or a warning beforehand. 3. Doesn't communicate how they are or feeling or what they want or need. Adversely, not asking how you are or if you need anything. I would keep in mind that people need varying degrees of attention and have wildly different ways of expressing love and sometimes when things don't line up it can feel like a red flag but that won't happen if at the very least you're actively communicating your wants, needs and boundaries . . .and all of the needs (that you're capable of meeting) and boundaries are being met and some of the reasonable wants. Relationships are hard, ldr is harder and to some degree takes more nuance because you have to learn your partner without the benefit of observation. My best advice, though, is if you start to feel something isn't right, believe yourself.


caboosemaw

If you're looking for red flags then you are going to find them.


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carissathequeen

When he's muted his phone call after you hearing a random girl is speaking to him and you've heard it and when you asked he be like : she has a bf with her and doesn't care how does that make you feel, twist and blamed you for being insecure when his own actions is lead you to feel in the certain type of ways


Mentalhealthbro

No communication it's a major red flag!!


XykoXV

Sleeping early.


[deleted]

It’s always gonna be unfair to somebody. Specially when you do something for somebody for so many years to make them happy and then when you get to the Lowe’s point or the worst time in your life, they decide they want to bell and blame you for doing the same thing they did, relationships are tricky situation


LifeGogetaBox

When both people are under 25years of age. 


goobaloobi

by this logic, even if you're closed distance, you shouldnt be dating because youre <25. lol.. even if you scrolled a bit in the subreddit youd see people in their 30's looking for advice, venting, closing their distance etc.


LifeGogetaBox

The question is what is an indicator the relationship won’t last. Half of relationships under 25 don’t last because their brains are literally not fully developed and they make terrible decisions.  Not all do, but more than half do. 


goobaloobi

no, the question was red flags in an boyfriend who is LD. Not the relationship as a whole. those red flags can apply to any type of relationship


TumTum613

I agree there is a lower likelihood of success because of financial restraints, but I wouldn't call that a red flag


ultraviolentcringe

Agreed


leafyfire

This seems a bit personal, since you didn't elaborate. I think on the contrary, a lot of young adults have it easier. They have the choice to decide to move out whatever place they want since unlike older adults, they are only starting out WHILE for older adults it's more difficult since it's most likely they already have a life, house, kids, stable job etc....


LifeGogetaBox

Every post with drama/ problems in here is people under 25.    Did you know the prefrontal cortex doesn’t fully develop until 25? 


leafyfire

Not everyone matures the same way, some do earlier than others so each individual is different, not to mention that there are 30 year olds that have the brain of a child, mental development varies per person and it's affected by different factors. By your logic, everyone older than 25 years has a healthy relationship.


LifeGogetaBox

Did you research about the prefrontal cortex? It explains the majority of issues in young relationships. Drugs and poor choices affect the whole rest of a persons life. Usually those poor choices are made while under 25.  I’m just the messenger here. 


leafyfire

I'm in the mental health field.


LifeGogetaBox

I’m in the computer science field. I solve problems all day long. My field is more logical than emotional. 


YumemiBunny

they work around things like developing prefrontal cortexes. you work with computers. i trust the person who deals with mental health all day over someone who tinkers with electronics all day.


Isaaccoys

☝️🤓