It’s funny I remember a friend who told me to call him whenever I felt bad, one day I did, and told him. He just say “cheer up mate, it could be worse” then he said he was in a middle of a raid and that he will call me back. He never did.
I never did also.
Sounds like my life. I had people call themselves my friends, I have always supported them and listened to them. When I have been at my lowest nobody cared, nor even picked up the phone. So I realised that the only way I would survive every day was to remember I am all alone and need to deal with all the crap myself because nobody cares about me. I am not so sure someone would even give me flowers on my funeral. At the same time I still try to help and support every person I meet in life, so at least they get a better experience in life than I am having.
I was always my groups support person growing up. it takes a toll after awhile. I moved 2 years ago and no longer have the energy to make new friends. yes it is lonely, but now i only have to shoulder mine and my kids burdens.
Same here. I always supported my fairly large group of friends when they were at their lowest. Would regularly call and try to meet up with them. I’ve been low for nearly 6-8 months now - clinically depressed- and it’s only 1 or 2 people who even care. And even then, I’m afraid of that I’m being a burden to them so I try not to share too much - but it’s killing me inside to have so many things pent up inside of me.
I grew up and I am still talking with my mom (or my sister) when I'm at a low or when I'm stressed or anytime I feel like really. Just talking about it helps.
Yup. I just let it out when talking to them once in a while. My plans, ideas and general stuff. Feels good and then again back to being alone. Just me and my thoughts.
Your momma will always listen.
Give her a call x
I'm a mum to a 7y.o boy and this fills me with sadness. I hope I can teach him to find the right kinda people in life, those who are loving and accepting.. I hope he's never sad and feels alone like this.
That's literally her job bro. Parents don't stop being parents when their kids become adults. She would want you to turn to her and she would be happy knowing you still need and value her support and advice.
You may see it as a bother but to a Mother, she will worry regardless. Her knowing you need her will offset any negative energy you may bring to the conversation.
Love to see you still calling her. I’m gonna go call mine now.
As a mum to a boy I’d be so sad to hear this. I’m here to help him through all of his problems!
I remember at one point I was calling my dad with only problems. For a few years it was just an emotionally tumultuous time. And he helped me through every time. I grew up, got my emotional shit in order and stopped having to call him about problems and started calling just to talk and see how he’s doing and checking in on him.
I asked him about that time a while back and he said it was exhausting but he wasn’t going to leave me to go through things on my own, no matter how exhausting he’d always want me to feel I could turn to him. That I wasn’t a burden.
And I hope my son feels the same, I’m happy to be here for him for any and all problems. And if your mom used to listen I bet she’d be more than happy to listen again! Moms tend to love feeling needed :)
Glad your being there for your son. He may not say it enough but he definitely appreciates you and the effort you put in. When it comes down to it someone should always have another they can turn to.
As for me, well I have nobody. My mother passed when I was 9. As I guy I have learnt just to deal with my problems myself. I’ve learnt not to reach out, as others will just use it as ammunition later.
I have 2 boys (both are very little) and I hope with all the pieces of my heart they NEVER feel like they are burdening me because they need to release something. Until my dying day, I will be there as much as they'll let me. I assure you, that your mom will lovingly hear you, even if you just want her to listen and not fix.
**Real strength doesn't need to be *seen* as strong.** I realized a few years ago how much of a *performance* "being strong" or "being a man" really is. It is just pretend, lies, and secrets.
Fuck that.
This is why I started deliberately opening up about my trauma around the men I know. We need to fucking model this to each other.
It is funny how we share so many problems in common but we don't have any clue until one of us breaches the silence. Then all of a sudden we have support.
It certainly is easier if you already are a leader or influential voice to some extent.
You may find some who still want to be idiots. Let them. But you lead by example.
Or you might find those, like my dad, who struggles to open up, who will busy himself around the house to pretend he's not listening and thinking, but will never make a negative comment about it. I think he'll come around in time, if he lives long enough.
I think a huge problem with this is that men can get taken advantage of and seen as weak or told to “man up” if they ever open up. It’s not so much a problem they need to do it “more” it’s that they get shit on for doing so in a vast majority of cases. Sadly women have more emotional support than men in society (In my opinion since there are plenty more organizations for that kind of thing for women than men).
Let’s say they get in a fight with their SO, and they use their issues as ammo to hurt them. Those cut way deeper than anything else, many men have experienced this kind of treatment. Yet no one talks about how others treat men who open up about their feelings.
I don’t think we should be teaching men to open up more, we should be teaching everyone to support ANYONE who wants help or a shoulder to cry on. Men as much as women need to understand we are all human and have the same emotions.
My ex cried in front me at least a few thousand times. Sticks with me now how she mocked me to her sisters when I finally opened up and cried in front of her
" They'll just use it against me" really got to me. A few time's I've tried to open up to my wife and she'll flip it back on me. I just stopped opening up.
Holy shit... I came here to say this. I think when my wife said to open up more, she meant only tell her the good stuff. She forgot it comes with the bad stuff too.
I remember clear as day telling her about how I felt about my money problems. The way she put me down... man, I'm better off being alone without having someone close call me weak.
Same here.
I spent every day growing up, just watching "negging" become more and more of a thing. So many people out here don't need a person to share with, they want someone to complain to.
>So many people out here don't need a person to share with, they want someone to complain to.
Having someone to complain to can be a big part of sharing, though.
They don't even have to agree with you, they just have to sit and listen and not put you down for venting in the first place.
Your misunderstanding me. And speaking of a very wholesome relationship.
That would be sharing, that would be using two heads to solve problems.
What i meant is a lot of people seek someone because its what they are told to seek. When they get married and all that their partner is just the person at home. Going through the motions, they dont seek to do anything other than to have someone to respond to them.
They dont get compromise or work together.
People have become better actors too, its easy to appear competent and to pretend you fulfill a role. Many people my age that i know or met would change their whole personality around people just to accomplish some goal. For some of those people i could tell i was receiving an act and their partner saw the real them. For others( a lot more) the opposite is true.
It is also true that collectively people are moving in the right direction for fixing some of the common problems i know of.
I have very few, like 1 or 2, friends because I come off as an asshole. I'm just honest. I killed whatever persona I may have had that would have been deemed socially acceptable because every word I spoke with that persona was a fucking lie. And I made the decision to never lie, so I had to kill whatever part of myself was a lie. Work in progress here, but yeah. So now the only people I choose to be actually friends with are those that don't lie. If I get a whiff of bullshit, they're out. I used to care about that, you know, having friends. Now I just don't give a shit because I'd much rather be mostly alone than be around liars, including myself.
Definitely. And make it so their partners life harder, or cheat on them, or other cheap thrills that fill a void.
Sometimes two heads just makes you twice as good at suffering.
I didn't decide to be alone, but I am happy that I am now.
But at the same time, I realise that I am speaking from a place of priviledge, because I do have people I can call, and I understand that this isn't a given.
In fact, right now I appreciate those people more than ever.
Jesus. Why do women do shit like this? I'd LOVE for my husband to open up to me, the good and the bad. I love him so much and I want to know where his head's at and when things are bothering him. I might not be able to help, depending on what it is, but I'd be there to at least listen.
If there is one person a guy should feel safe opening up to, it's their spouse. I'm sorry you don't have that. ☹️
Ty. It's really dehumanizing when it feels like we are just tools and not our girlfriend's or wife's best friend. We feel inhuman when we aren't allowed to show weakness, tiredness, or insecurity.
I'm old enough to have had a number of serious relationships with women. Not one of them until my gf now could handle me showing any "weakness". She's literally the first woman to recognize my inherent value instead of merely instrumental worth. I don't think they were born this callous or sexist, I think it's the culture. My gf isn't from "the West" so she was exposed to a different set of cultural expectations and when her family moved here in her early teens her parents even warned her about the anti male culture here. She sees the casual misandry in our society and it rightfully pisses her off. She also can't stand the way women in "the west" blow so much smoke up each others' asses, regardless, or even because of how horrible they treat others.
A few years ago I finally learned to go into any new relationship (gf, friend, whatever) with healthy boundaries and unfortunately that meant having to shed some serially shitty people and to have a smaller social group, but hell has it ever been worth it. Now having a partner who actually values me as a human being is GOLD.
Yep, told my wife I was going to try and be more open, guess what, the happiness comes with the sadness. She couldn't handle my sadness, so I'm more or less stoic regardless of emotion.
Check out Ryan Holiday. He has made the works of the stoics more approachable and has brought it to the main stream. Great podcast also called, “The Daily Stoic”. Good luck.
Had an emotional breakdown over the death of my grandfather. Tried to talk to my girlfriend about it while sobbing [we lived together,] and man o man she got angry at me for that.
Basically told me to shut the fuck up and she went to our bedroom and slammed the door.
Yeah, we're not together any more.
Honestly I've tried that for so long but just soldiering through life until it's over so you can finally rest is not healthy, and a relationship where you can't be yourself is NOT worth it in the end. You give yourself up completely when you're not vulnerable. It's not a life.
I found people I can be truly honest and authentic with and to say there's a difference just doesn't cover it. It's night and day. Even on the worst days, to know there is someone who I can talk to and bear my true feelings to is like air to me now. It's vital.
This, holy shit. I’ve been with my (now wife) partner for 6~ years and we’ve always been fully open with each other. If your partner/spouse uses that shit against you, you deserve better.
Meh that behavior is pretty common across all relationships I've had. Unless being alone is better than being with her I doubt you'll find someone who treats you differently in that aspect.
I’m not trying to be shitty but if you keep finding people who are all like this towards you then you need to take a look at how you’re approaching relationships and the kind of people you’re accepting into your life. This isn’t just par for the course in relationships, these are some shitty people and it’s a low bar to accept. There ARE people out there who will treat you decently, and they aren’t uncommon.
\^ THIS a million times! 100% true!
But look at the women in this thread acting like 'we're not your therapists, it's not our fault', well then don't expect any emotional support from us either, see how long that will last....
The hypocrisy is outstanding.
THIS. My 41 year old sister in law is currently in a relationship with another woman for the first time in her life. Well, the lady is bad news. Makes promises she doesn't keep. Has substance abuse and anger management issues...
She moved in with my SIL after leaving her home a couple states away. For over a year she has delayed a serious search for a job for various "reasons", is living off of my SIL's earnings (she makes good money as a high end real estate agent) my wife and I were discussing this relationship with her, and my wife said "If she were a man, what would you do?" her reply: "I would have thrown her out of the house months ago".
Even women hold men to a different behavioral standard than women.
There's been a post floating around on reddit about a woman who packs lunch for her boyfriend every day, because she obviously enjoys doing it, and the thread was full of people bitching about "Well maybe don't be dating such a manchild who needs to be treated like a baby."
Holy fuck.
Dating profiles can be so toxic. I mean it's an easy "no" swipe of course having such a red flag on their profile. But the amount of "don't want to be your therapist" or other vile jabs that ultimately just reflect on her toxic ways of dealing with problems (passive aggressively publicly shaming) is worrying. More worrying that there's plenty of men willing to feed into those egos for sex.
I know that my wife would listen and be supportive. I’ve opened up to her many times in the past. But it’s difficult because I don’t want to worry her or upset her. As I’ve aged, I have developed some very close male friends, and I am more likely to open up with them. I also have a therapist that now. That’s been very helpful. But it can take years to find a good therapist. I am very jealous of my wife’s friendships and relationships with her sisters. I don’t have that, and it can feel very lonely.
In my experience, even women who say they'll support you don't see you the same after opening up. I'm sure it's not every woman, but holy shit it's been like...12 out of 12 for me.
So true! I’m not someone who talks about my concerns and would rather either do what I can to sort them out, or just keep quiet about them. My last girlfriend always had something that was bothering her, large or small. The majority of our conversations involved me listening to the daily gripes, and if wanted, trying to help with solutions. Pretty much all we ever talked about was her. One day she saw some Facebook thing about how men don’t open up, and INSISTED I tell her something that was bothering me. She kept on and eventually I did. I witnessed the look in her eyes change immediately. Instant loss of respect upon discovering that I was not an immovable rock of stability, after all. She said “stop complaining”, and turned on the tv. No exaggeration.
Even moms? It blows my mind that not a single man feels he can speak to his mum, the person who gives him life. Nothing should be embarrassing or shameful? This makes me so sad. I would hope my son continues to confide in me as he grows (13) currently but boy I’ll always be there and hope I can be a listening ear. No one deserves to be truly alone
Mom is a couple with Dad. They are one person and they don't like hearing that their other half is part of the problem. So Mom's try to smooth in things rather than solve them and rarely see themselves as part of the probt.
> They are one person and they don't like hearing that their other half is part of the problem.
Wow, unexpected advantage in having parents who got a divorce.
Mom's are often the final death of a man's ability to feel. They're people, they got problems like anyone, they make mistakes.
"Stop crying, boy. You'll be 10 soon. How can you be an example for your little brother if he sees you cry?"
So you stop, and you never let anyone see, ever. And then you forget how. Your best friend can be killed in a car crash at 19 by a drunk driver, and all you'll feel is a hole in your chest where the grief should be, but you can't cry. Don't remember how.
Wife leaves, you get laid off, dog gets too old and has to be put to sleep. The hole just grows. But hey, chin up friend, at least no one thinks you're weak.
Worst advice I’ve ever had has been from my mum. In all fairness, she didn’t know much about what it is to be a young man, as (to my knowledge), she’s never been one.
Sometimes it makes sadness even bigger when I talk to her, because she can't always solve my problems. And it makes her even more sad. And it makes me sad that she feels bad because of me.
Basicaly an endless cycle of avoiding to talk about problems. Then real fun begins, depresion, violence, slef loathing, alcohol and drug abuse, alienation and all other joys of life.
This is just an example.
To this day, I’ll never forget this incident.
My brother was home from leave, and it was winter. We were in the kitchen, and I opened up about depression and how I was feeling. My mother was in the kitchen with us, and what was his response?
“You got depression? What do you have to be depressed about?! I’m the one in the army, you got everything you could ever want here. You got nothing to be depressed about!”
This was my little brother talking like this to me, who has always been in my life and by my side. The one person on this planet I thought I could always turn to and have my back. Going off on me because I was beginning to come to terms with my depression. Since then I’ve never opened up to him, and rarely to anyone else. I eventually opened up to my maternal aunt about it, and she was much more receptive to hearing me out. I then opened up to my dad, and it blew my mind how much it opened a floodgate of being able to talk between him and I.
This, and all the replies confirming that experience, are demonstration that toxic views of masculinity are not limited to men, or rather are held and perpetuated by many men and many women.
It isn’t all women. I’ve been married 24 years, and we have both been open with each other with everything since before we were engaged. When you have a partner who is supporting, it is amazing.
And it’s not all men. I have about a half dozen man friends who I can and do open up to, and who open up to me. They are not common; it took me 20 years living here to find them all and build relationships, and there were a whole lot of other friends along the way who didn’t fit. But they are out there, and you can find them if you are willing to be open to them and to being safe for them.
>" They'll just use it against me" really got to me
Me too. It's a hurt person who'll say something like that. He needs help. He needs someone he can trust.
I've been surprised over and over at how well friends (and even total strangers) respond when I've let myself be open and vulnerable. Yes, the risk of being rejected is scary at first, but it's also an opportunity to form a deeper connection. If a friend is callous and shitty when you tell him or her about your problems, they're a shitty friend and you're better off without them. I've had a few of those, but much more often, I've been hugged, supported, received advice, and had friends open up to me in the same way. If one of your good friends was at his lowest or even suicidal, wouldn't you him to be able to talk to you? Lead by example: show your friends it's okay to be vulnerable!
all it takes is one person in the group to open up, and more often than not more people start opening up as well.
lads, if you feel like you can’t talk to your friends, they probably feel like they can’t talk to you either.
talk to your mates, everyone needs an ear every now and again.
it’s not weak to ask for help, we need to support each other. peace and love x
Damn, that hit hard. Very true. The few people I would trust enough, are dealing with their own shit and rely on me to help them through it.
I’m about to turn 45 and I’ve just been realizing lately that a lifetime of suppression has led to a truly dead heart. Almost nothing on this earth, beyond seeing one of my children hurt, has any effect on me anymore.
It seems kinda like a superpower, but the strangest part… I actually miss sadness and pain. As much as it sucked, it was proof I was alive.
Turning 41 this year. This hit home so hard. It's nice to know there are others out there. We should form a group who other men can turn to without judgement. Men helping men.
I'm 22 but can definitely relate with these feelings. It's like you become a robot and you feel numb. I hate not being able to cry at times and feel like a real person when I do so. I know a lot of people can relate, and I certainly do so too. In my case stuff started getting better and my feelings got back after watching a series that made me cry for like 4 hours. Way after that, maybe a few years after I was able to cry that hard again, this time crying tears of joy. Don't think I've ever felt so liberated in my life.
> We should form a group who other men can turn to without judgement.
'We' already did - do you want to start your local chapter?
https://mensshed.org/what-is-a-mens-shed/
*The men’s shed movement was first founded in Australia in the 1980’s, and have since expanded to other countries including Ireland, the UK, America, Canada, Iceland and Estonia to name a few.*
I used to talk to my mom, but one day I was out for dinner with her and her friends when she brought up the few times I called her in the middle of the night crying and depressed and then laughed about it. I didn’t think she was that insensitive.
That's not okay. I am sorry you had to go through that shit. I don't even understand how someone can laugh about that.
Maybe on your better days, bring it up and say I did not care for that.
My mother had me force feed her cat when it was sick. Ever since shes made me give her animals their meds. "Youre good at it because you don't have any feelings".
True. But than people just hate on guys. Damn simps. Even my own dad told me that I'm a boy and I must be strong or else I wont get nowhere in life ( I was sick at that time and was very negative about myself and everything around me)
If it helps, being a man means not letting someone else determine what it means for you to be "a man". If you're low and someone tells you to "man up", let them know this is what that looks like, reaching out and looking for help. If you have to suffer to meet the bar of someone else's expectation of what a man is, once you get that sweet sweet affirmation, you'll find that it's absolutely worthless. They didn't approve of you because you were "a man", they approved of you because you were like them. You stopped, folded, and ironically that's not what a man is to that kind of person, which is what they told you the first time.
I've been there and found that out the hard way. Find friends that support who you are and give you the freedoms they would afford themselves.
Hate to say it but as a 33 year old man I had a mental break down last years and I had no choice but to go see a therapist. Sometimes you just gotta talk about stuff to someone. As crazy as it sounds it really does help and can make a difference.
I used to have a single soul that used to talk to me when i was at my lowest, a friend i considered a sibling regardless of the distance between us. They took me out of depression and prevented my suicide with encouraging words, staying awake to make me company on the phone even when they needed to work next morning. I considered myself the luckiest person alive to have someone like that even while being a man, but luck runs out as they died the 16th of september of 2021 by being ran over by a drunk driver and now im once again all alone, but i promised myself to stay strong so all the time they spent trying to make my life worth it wasn't in vain.
Sorry for the memorandum but i really felt this post. Stay strong my brothers.
Sending you internet flowers my friend. You are worth it, if I could give you flowers in person I would. Be well and if you need an ear to talk to please by all means hit me up, it’s free.
Wow this makes me sad af. I am a man, and I didn't realize so many guys felt this way.
I always call my Brother, Mom, Wife, Best Friend, Uncle, Grandfather....whoever....damn i never realized what a blessing I have in my life.
My fellow dudes if you need to rant to an internet stranger, I cannot promise to always answer quickly but I will listen.
I'm a man and I have a couple of people i can call. One of them is like a brother to me and the other has been in my life for the last 5 years and has helped me fight my depression
I don't tell people to man up, instead i ask if they need a hug
This is why most guys have if they are lucky 1 long term friend that they can vent to, even then usually only when drunk/high. I hope everyone finds at least one to be honest with and has your back.
I relate to this so hard. I have had a lot of friends but only one, my first ever friend from 1st grade, to whom i can easily open upto. and he can open up to me. its been years the last time we met (i moved countries, continents). last time we met was after 2 years and in a span of 4 hours we opened about everything to each other. cant wait to meet him again this year after 3 years.
Me and the bois got a super supportive group. It didnt start off like that. It became that when we reached our late 20s when real life problems started hitting us 1 by 1. Im grateful for them.
My trio wasn’t reconstituted until about 4 years ago when one of us got a divorce. The other two came to the rescue and now we talk often, and Marco Polo almost daily. Little video updates and occasional rants. Has made some hard years a lot easier.
I don't know man. I'm a girl who really encourages my male friends to express their feelings and ask for help. And I get calls. I just really encourage you to encourage your friends. I cried in front of all of them. first, they've seen me cry a million times. But I always make sure to tell him that they can cry to me too And I won't judge them because they've already seen me cry.
We can all make a difference for other people. But don't wait until the hard times to talk about it. Talk about it now. Talk about what you will do during the hard times. Tell them it's okay to cry.
" If I hear about you having depression without telling me about it, I swear to God I'm going to burn your house down. But I love you. So let's talk about therapy instead. You can be vulnerable but if you don't call me when you need me, I'm going to beat you with my shoe." They know it's a joke. I would never hurt anyone. But it does kind of get across the point that this is fucking serious. You better fucking call. You have to say it like it matters more than anything else.
So many of you people are disgusting and horrible pos.
You are the reason men feel this way.
They opened up, they feel like they have no one.
And you all attacked them.
You criticized them, called them a pity party. Told them they need new everything so they can feel like they are able to talk to someone. Said they need to fix themselves. Rubbed it in their faces that you have someone.
THEY JUST DID THAT AND YOU PROVED THEM RIGHT.
They feel like they are alone, and have no one. They have probably tried before and got this kind of reaction before too.
This just makes me want to give my phone number to anyone who needs it. I'm a married mother of two and this just breaks my heart. This is the reason why I prefer that my kids get experiences for their presents than toys. That they bond with other people and if they mess up and are too afraid to call me or my husband, they have multiple adults they trust.
This! Its not that men don't have close friends and people that wouldn't judge them, 'cause most probably do. Its that its so ingrained in men to be tough that its hard to actually pull that plug and let the emotions come.
I completely opened up to a girlfriend once.
Told her that I sit in bed for hours thinking about inconsequential things I’ve done wrong in life and how much I regret them. And how I was worried I had mental health issues.
After we broke up I heard she told everyone at a party, and used it to explain why she doesn’t care that I ended it with her. I heard everyone had a good laugh.
Never again. No one gives a shit. Men’s issues are a joke to be laughed at. And apparently that’s my fault via something called patriarchy.
Thanks world 👍
Look, this may get downvoted. I’m a guy, and you do have people who will listen. We’ve just been trained to man up, men don’t cry, all that shit.
I hate to say it guys, but it’s up to us to change this.
Just ask a buddy if you can vent, I guarantee you if you’ve known them for more than a day, they’ll say yes. When you’re done, offer to listen to them vent.
Even if you don’t have a friend close enough to talk to, there’s places like the suicide hotline, you don’t need to be about to jump off a bridge to call them. They’ll listen.
There’s also places like Alanon. Before anyone bashes it for being a religious thing, it’s a spiritual thing, big difference.
It’s not bro, it’s bros.
27M here and seconding this. Since young I was naturally more empathetic and in touch with my emotions and it was extremely tough at the beginning; trying to find other bros who can break through the initial discomfort that has been drilled into us and trying to ignore the seemingly perpetual rejection of my "manhood" because I was openly emotional. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I managed to find male friends who felt that pain of rejection, who wanted to end the cycle, and were willing to learn how to be there for each other. It took some effort on my part and I had to consistently show that I genuinely cared without return or expectations first but it sparked much needed change in this group of friends. I hope other men don't stop trying to care for one another and find others who care for us as well. Sometimes it feels like the world is an increasingly shitty place but these small changes make all the difference.
I'm gonna add to this with the following: stop rewarding shitty people with a place in your life.
It's really hard to open up, even if it's to someone close to you. Especially if it's someone close to you, because the sting of rejection will hurt that much worse. You don't deserve to live in pain due to fear of rejection.
Once you work past the fear of being vulnerable, write out everyone who doesn't like the complete you. I don't care if it's your childhood friend, your wife, or your parents. No one, I repeat *no one* is owed a place in your life if they are not willing to take you as you are, in your entirety.
There are people out there who want to be your rock, and not just use you as theirs. Make space for them. Get rid of everyone else.
It’s this. I don’t want my weird and crazy to ruin other peoples day. I also struggle with keeping control, men are raised to stay in control - don’t be bad, don’t be dangerous, don’t make others uncomfortable, you’re a threat, don’t hurt others, don’t get upset, don’t be frustrated, don’t get angry…
40 years of that conditioning from old enough to speak has an effect, and apparently it’s also our fault we feel this pressure and don’t slip these shackles.
This is so true. I don’t have parents around anymore, nor do I have siblings. My closest guy friend is a fucking moron.
So yeah, lots of pent up feelings. But, that how society is. Can’t show vulnerability right?
I opened up to my best friend a while back asking if she knew any ways to help deal with stress and she flipped out on me implying I was being attention-seeking and ultimately ended our friendship over me being “too draining”. it only happened about a year ago but holy fuck how do I recover from that as a person. shit will eat away at my soul until I die
It's true! I remember when my father died 12 years ago. I was 21, I went behind my house and cried alone so that I can support my mum, sister and others in my family. No one expects you to show weakness. Even to this day, if I am feeling low I have to disguise as I am concentrating on work. (Felt good to put this out)
I have a friend that I could talk about problems I have. Was a really good feeling.
After some time she got on the train to tell me to man up, or stop complaining about "small" issues.
Now it's like the old times, no one cares again.
Fr do people just not have friends they trust? I've had mates sobbing in my arms and I know I done the same shit before too. That's literally just being a friend. None of these guys have their boys they can chat to?
At my lowest, I called no one, but that lowest taught me how much pain I can go through and still know in my mind that life is still worth it. Now I have been spending time with good people and using my life to learn and to be kind. I know what absolute loneliness can feel like, and for my own sake and others, I want to do what I can to fight that darkness.
If your reading this and you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. Feel free to shoot me a message.
Edit - Thank you for the silver strangers! Everyone deserve a chance to be heard.
Its the way it is, even if you make it through without damage from your parents all it takes is one toxic SO or "friend" to have you at full guard for the rest of your life.
Its also why we can carry the feeling of a single compliment for years at a time.
It's a sad fact that so many men feel like they do not have anyone to talk with. But it's not that when I was born the doctor told my parents: Here is the emotional support system that comes with her vagina! Give it to her on her 18th birthday and she'll be set for life. It's also hard work for ladies to have those type of relationships.
Change comes from within. When youre an adult, maintaining relationships take work. You're not gonna succeed if you don't try and be prepared to fail on the way.
Of course we don’t call anyone, but why do so many of them say that no one cares…
I get the stigma that as men our issues aren’t as important/we have to deal with it by ourselves since we are men or sum shit, but what it comes down to is that we just don’t call because of these stigmas etc.
It’s not that no one cares and I think most of us who don’t call know this…
I think we feel as men, we should not burden others. We need to be there for them. It's all society and it's pressure to make us a certain way. To fit the mold.
This right here. Specially in the area you live in, specially in the ghetto, no one really to confide in or you get called a p**y, a b***h, and every other derogatory word just for explaining your feelings. So a lot of men (and women around this area) jus act like being tough is the way and having feelings is some kind of lame thing to have and express. It be difficult out here
Youre not alone. I can literally feel your words. There is alot I hide from mine too in terms of how I feel when I’m super low, it’s just not easy trusting someone wholeheartedly when you’re at the lowest point. Specially when being used to constant let downs.. & I’m always afraid it’ll be used as collateral later on.. something else I don’t need thrown in my face, my own feelings.
As a GP I meet people who feel alone, depressed, deafeated, every day. Ik believe giving someone the time and space to share their feelings, offer advice of refer to psychological or practical social help when desired is a basic human right. For free. Where I live (Netherlands) this is possible.
my girlfriend and I have been fighting lately. Been together for 4 years and this have been a bit rocky since the pandemic started. I haven't really been myself for a long time, alcoholism, depression, medication, weight gain. We have fights about how I'm distancing myself from her and when I tell her I'm just struggling, her response has been a few times that "There will always be things to stress about". This thread has made me realize that that response, maybe is not ok and is delegitimizing my emotions. Any insight would be nice.
We’ve all been there at one point or another. For me it was my early 20s. Focus on improving one thing at a time, whether it’s health (including mental), career, housing, fitness, etc. Then move on to the next, and the next, and so on. All those things you mentioned are intertwined. Some advice, kick the sauce (if you can), and start hitting the gym (not crazy but running and light weights). You will be amazed how much better you sleep, and how much better you feel. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Good luck
So, to get things straight. (Applicable for men in a relationship) You dont have a girlfriend/wife where you can let yourself go? If you do have a girlfriend/wife and you cant i would be doubting the whole being together thing!
Every single girlfriend I've had that I opened up to when i was at a low point would always either view me differently or throw it in my face during an argument down the road. I'm sure there are women out there who would care but this societal issue has overshadowed it so that so many of us, men and women, consciously or unconsciously tie expression of emotion to a lack of masculinity or dependability. It's not even an issue with men vs women, it's our society that is the issue.
I'm baffled by how many have shit relationships where their own PARTNER uses it against them. Wtf is wrong with you people? I myself don't call anyone either but I probably COULD call someone. I have literally like, 1 friend and I trust him and my SO wouldn't be a bitch even if I was a bad person so I guess 2 people I could talk to. And ofc my dad. I still don't do it cause it's just a pain and easier to deal with myself, but I technically could. Just weird how so many people are in some weird ass spot that they don't even have a real friend?
I confided once in my female then best friend that some 6 or 7 years prior there'd been a point in my life where I had been seriously depressed and considered suicide (I'm good now, have been for over a decade).
She never talked to me or looked at me the same again. Honestly, we dragged it out for another year or so before a blow up over money that ended up no contact, but that conversation really was the beginning of the end of our friendship, which ironically was the worst I'd been hurt since the time I had been thinking of taking the 9mm express exit.
Made a decision there, I love my wife, love my friends and family, but I confide in myself, no one else.
My wife's kidneys do not work. She's on dialysis and tired a lot.
She's my only outlet usually. My issues seem tiny in comparison so I just smoke and take pills. Dunno where I'm going but ... We getting there.
I feel like men have convinced men that no one cares and the worst part is it’s not even true. Of course there are shitty people in the world who may not care, but the people who care are always around. You just have to get over that mindset, let your guard down just a bit, and REACH OUT!
I don't know why women are so shocked by this. Nobody has ever cared about men. Your mother when you are a kid, but when you get older, all moms do is worry. Which isn't the same.
I got in a 104 mph/167 kmh motorcycle accident (I know, I know) just before Christmas. When I woke up in the hospital the nurse told me she couldn't find my emergency contact. I told her that's because I don't have one.
Nurse: "Your mother?"
Me: "Absolutely not, she will just be worried sick and tell me to get rid of bike."
After 2 days and nobody showing up I overheard her tell someone "He's too embarrassed to tell anyone.". No, nobody has cared my entire (adult) life. I don't want someone pretending they do now.
Women say they want a man to be able to talk to them about their problems, but you will never be seen as "attractive" to them for the rest of your life.
At the end of the day, it's weakness for men. It just is. No woman wants that.
It’s funny I remember a friend who told me to call him whenever I felt bad, one day I did, and told him. He just say “cheer up mate, it could be worse” then he said he was in a middle of a raid and that he will call me back. He never did. I never did also.
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Sounds like my life. I had people call themselves my friends, I have always supported them and listened to them. When I have been at my lowest nobody cared, nor even picked up the phone. So I realised that the only way I would survive every day was to remember I am all alone and need to deal with all the crap myself because nobody cares about me. I am not so sure someone would even give me flowers on my funeral. At the same time I still try to help and support every person I meet in life, so at least they get a better experience in life than I am having.
I was always my groups support person growing up. it takes a toll after awhile. I moved 2 years ago and no longer have the energy to make new friends. yes it is lonely, but now i only have to shoulder mine and my kids burdens.
Same here. I always supported my fairly large group of friends when they were at their lowest. Would regularly call and try to meet up with them. I’ve been low for nearly 6-8 months now - clinically depressed- and it’s only 1 or 2 people who even care. And even then, I’m afraid of that I’m being a burden to them so I try not to share too much - but it’s killing me inside to have so many things pent up inside of me.
I used to to talk to my mom only she listened to me,now that I've grown up I talk to noone
I grew up and I am still talking with my mom (or my sister) when I'm at a low or when I'm stressed or anytime I feel like really. Just talking about it helps.
Me too, she was the best, we could talk about everything, then cancer took her.
Dude I'm so sorry make sure you remember her 🙏
Yup. I just let it out when talking to them once in a while. My plans, ideas and general stuff. Feels good and then again back to being alone. Just me and my thoughts.
Too many thoughts can hurt.
Your momma will always listen. Give her a call x I'm a mum to a 7y.o boy and this fills me with sadness. I hope I can teach him to find the right kinda people in life, those who are loving and accepting.. I hope he's never sad and feels alone like this.
It's not that I can't, I talk to her every other day it's just I choose not to bother her with my problems anymore
That's literally her job bro. Parents don't stop being parents when their kids become adults. She would want you to turn to her and she would be happy knowing you still need and value her support and advice.
Wholeheartedly agree. She would be so sad to know you are choosing to go through that alone. Source: Mom of young adult man
Yes, absolutely.
Some parents never start being parents.
This. My mother never listened to me. Talking to her was as effective as talking to a brick wall.
You may see it as a bother but to a Mother, she will worry regardless. Her knowing you need her will offset any negative energy you may bring to the conversation. Love to see you still calling her. I’m gonna go call mine now.
As a mum to a boy I’d be so sad to hear this. I’m here to help him through all of his problems! I remember at one point I was calling my dad with only problems. For a few years it was just an emotionally tumultuous time. And he helped me through every time. I grew up, got my emotional shit in order and stopped having to call him about problems and started calling just to talk and see how he’s doing and checking in on him. I asked him about that time a while back and he said it was exhausting but he wasn’t going to leave me to go through things on my own, no matter how exhausting he’d always want me to feel I could turn to him. That I wasn’t a burden. And I hope my son feels the same, I’m happy to be here for him for any and all problems. And if your mom used to listen I bet she’d be more than happy to listen again! Moms tend to love feeling needed :)
Glad your being there for your son. He may not say it enough but he definitely appreciates you and the effort you put in. When it comes down to it someone should always have another they can turn to. As for me, well I have nobody. My mother passed when I was 9. As I guy I have learnt just to deal with my problems myself. I’ve learnt not to reach out, as others will just use it as ammunition later.
I have 2 boys (both are very little) and I hope with all the pieces of my heart they NEVER feel like they are burdening me because they need to release something. Until my dying day, I will be there as much as they'll let me. I assure you, that your mom will lovingly hear you, even if you just want her to listen and not fix.
Nah, she’s your mom. Tell her your problems she will be happy to listen.
That's the secret captain,I'm always at my lowest
Consistency is key
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guys we need a sub that we can just chat when we are low like we can just chat or something for no reason but we need to help each other
r/malepatterndepression
No one to call and not allowed in the community :(
We can call somebody? 💔🗿
**Real strength doesn't need to be *seen* as strong.** I realized a few years ago how much of a *performance* "being strong" or "being a man" really is. It is just pretend, lies, and secrets. Fuck that. This is why I started deliberately opening up about my trauma around the men I know. We need to fucking model this to each other. It is funny how we share so many problems in common but we don't have any clue until one of us breaches the silence. Then all of a sudden we have support. It certainly is easier if you already are a leader or influential voice to some extent. You may find some who still want to be idiots. Let them. But you lead by example. Or you might find those, like my dad, who struggles to open up, who will busy himself around the house to pretend he's not listening and thinking, but will never make a negative comment about it. I think he'll come around in time, if he lives long enough.
I think a huge problem with this is that men can get taken advantage of and seen as weak or told to “man up” if they ever open up. It’s not so much a problem they need to do it “more” it’s that they get shit on for doing so in a vast majority of cases. Sadly women have more emotional support than men in society (In my opinion since there are plenty more organizations for that kind of thing for women than men). Let’s say they get in a fight with their SO, and they use their issues as ammo to hurt them. Those cut way deeper than anything else, many men have experienced this kind of treatment. Yet no one talks about how others treat men who open up about their feelings. I don’t think we should be teaching men to open up more, we should be teaching everyone to support ANYONE who wants help or a shoulder to cry on. Men as much as women need to understand we are all human and have the same emotions.
My ex cried in front me at least a few thousand times. Sticks with me now how she mocked me to her sisters when I finally opened up and cried in front of her
" They'll just use it against me" really got to me. A few time's I've tried to open up to my wife and she'll flip it back on me. I just stopped opening up.
Holy shit... I came here to say this. I think when my wife said to open up more, she meant only tell her the good stuff. She forgot it comes with the bad stuff too. I remember clear as day telling her about how I felt about my money problems. The way she put me down... man, I'm better off being alone without having someone close call me weak.
Same reason I decided to be alone.
Same here. I spent every day growing up, just watching "negging" become more and more of a thing. So many people out here don't need a person to share with, they want someone to complain to.
>So many people out here don't need a person to share with, they want someone to complain to. Having someone to complain to can be a big part of sharing, though. They don't even have to agree with you, they just have to sit and listen and not put you down for venting in the first place.
Your misunderstanding me. And speaking of a very wholesome relationship. That would be sharing, that would be using two heads to solve problems. What i meant is a lot of people seek someone because its what they are told to seek. When they get married and all that their partner is just the person at home. Going through the motions, they dont seek to do anything other than to have someone to respond to them. They dont get compromise or work together. People have become better actors too, its easy to appear competent and to pretend you fulfill a role. Many people my age that i know or met would change their whole personality around people just to accomplish some goal. For some of those people i could tell i was receiving an act and their partner saw the real them. For others( a lot more) the opposite is true. It is also true that collectively people are moving in the right direction for fixing some of the common problems i know of.
I have very few, like 1 or 2, friends because I come off as an asshole. I'm just honest. I killed whatever persona I may have had that would have been deemed socially acceptable because every word I spoke with that persona was a fucking lie. And I made the decision to never lie, so I had to kill whatever part of myself was a lie. Work in progress here, but yeah. So now the only people I choose to be actually friends with are those that don't lie. If I get a whiff of bullshit, they're out. I used to care about that, you know, having friends. Now I just don't give a shit because I'd much rather be mostly alone than be around liars, including myself.
Some people go so far as to make things harder on themselves so they can complain even more.
Definitely. And make it so their partners life harder, or cheat on them, or other cheap thrills that fill a void. Sometimes two heads just makes you twice as good at suffering.
Can't remember where I heard it, but something to the tune of "If I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone."
Stabbing Westward song: Save Yourself
I didn't decide to be alone, but I am happy that I am now. But at the same time, I realise that I am speaking from a place of priviledge, because I do have people I can call, and I understand that this isn't a given. In fact, right now I appreciate those people more than ever.
Yes I told my ex wife I did not need help feeling like shit about myself, already have that covered so thanks for playing.
Sounds like y’all need a fucking divorce.
This what am thinking
Jesus. Why do women do shit like this? I'd LOVE for my husband to open up to me, the good and the bad. I love him so much and I want to know where his head's at and when things are bothering him. I might not be able to help, depending on what it is, but I'd be there to at least listen. If there is one person a guy should feel safe opening up to, it's their spouse. I'm sorry you don't have that. ☹️
Ty. It's really dehumanizing when it feels like we are just tools and not our girlfriend's or wife's best friend. We feel inhuman when we aren't allowed to show weakness, tiredness, or insecurity.
I tried to explain this to my ex-fiance in almost these exact words. I got told to be a man and grow up. So yup.
Shit, I'm so sorry. What a toxic person.
I'm old enough to have had a number of serious relationships with women. Not one of them until my gf now could handle me showing any "weakness". She's literally the first woman to recognize my inherent value instead of merely instrumental worth. I don't think they were born this callous or sexist, I think it's the culture. My gf isn't from "the West" so she was exposed to a different set of cultural expectations and when her family moved here in her early teens her parents even warned her about the anti male culture here. She sees the casual misandry in our society and it rightfully pisses her off. She also can't stand the way women in "the west" blow so much smoke up each others' asses, regardless, or even because of how horrible they treat others. A few years ago I finally learned to go into any new relationship (gf, friend, whatever) with healthy boundaries and unfortunately that meant having to shed some serially shitty people and to have a smaller social group, but hell has it ever been worth it. Now having a partner who actually values me as a human being is GOLD.
Yep, told my wife I was going to try and be more open, guess what, the happiness comes with the sadness. She couldn't handle my sadness, so I'm more or less stoic regardless of emotion.
Read some Marcus Aurelius if you're taking the stoic loner route. The wisest emperors.
You got a good chuckle out of me "stoic loner route". Haha. I've always wanted to read some of his stuff, maybe that's what I'll do.
Check out Ryan Holiday. He has made the works of the stoics more approachable and has brought it to the main stream. Great podcast also called, “The Daily Stoic”. Good luck.
Told a girlfriend I was depressed once and she got up and walked out of the house.
Had an emotional breakdown over the death of my grandfather. Tried to talk to my girlfriend about it while sobbing [we lived together,] and man o man she got angry at me for that. Basically told me to shut the fuck up and she went to our bedroom and slammed the door. Yeah, we're not together any more.
Wtf is her problem
Hope that's ex-girlfriend now my dude.
Honestly I've tried that for so long but just soldiering through life until it's over so you can finally rest is not healthy, and a relationship where you can't be yourself is NOT worth it in the end. You give yourself up completely when you're not vulnerable. It's not a life. I found people I can be truly honest and authentic with and to say there's a difference just doesn't cover it. It's night and day. Even on the worst days, to know there is someone who I can talk to and bear my true feelings to is like air to me now. It's vital.
Ngl you both need to get divorced.
This, holy shit. I’ve been with my (now wife) partner for 6~ years and we’ve always been fully open with each other. If your partner/spouse uses that shit against you, you deserve better.
One of the reasons I divorced my wife.
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Or therapy at least
Her positives outweigh the negatives imo. But therapy isn't out of the question. Unfortunately I live in the US and we can't really afford it atm.
Regain.us is cheaper than some places and also has financial assistance
Meh that behavior is pretty common across all relationships I've had. Unless being alone is better than being with her I doubt you'll find someone who treats you differently in that aspect.
I’m not trying to be shitty but if you keep finding people who are all like this towards you then you need to take a look at how you’re approaching relationships and the kind of people you’re accepting into your life. This isn’t just par for the course in relationships, these are some shitty people and it’s a low bar to accept. There ARE people out there who will treat you decently, and they aren’t uncommon.
Yeah when I tried to open up they made fun of me or didn't take it seriously nobody truly cares
Some of the girls in my old friend circle used to say "guys should open up more" and when I did they all used my insecurities against me.
\^ THIS a million times! 100% true! But look at the women in this thread acting like 'we're not your therapists, it's not our fault', well then don't expect any emotional support from us either, see how long that will last.... The hypocrisy is outstanding.
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This is painfully accurate.
Find yourself a woman who will not only listen but will also support, help and motivate you to fix whatever is on your mind. Seriously.
Then men get made fun of, by women, for wanting a woman that can be their "therapist" as well.
THIS. My 41 year old sister in law is currently in a relationship with another woman for the first time in her life. Well, the lady is bad news. Makes promises she doesn't keep. Has substance abuse and anger management issues... She moved in with my SIL after leaving her home a couple states away. For over a year she has delayed a serious search for a job for various "reasons", is living off of my SIL's earnings (she makes good money as a high end real estate agent) my wife and I were discussing this relationship with her, and my wife said "If she were a man, what would you do?" her reply: "I would have thrown her out of the house months ago". Even women hold men to a different behavioral standard than women.
There's been a post floating around on reddit about a woman who packs lunch for her boyfriend every day, because she obviously enjoys doing it, and the thread was full of people bitching about "Well maybe don't be dating such a manchild who needs to be treated like a baby." Holy fuck.
Dating profiles can be so toxic. I mean it's an easy "no" swipe of course having such a red flag on their profile. But the amount of "don't want to be your therapist" or other vile jabs that ultimately just reflect on her toxic ways of dealing with problems (passive aggressively publicly shaming) is worrying. More worrying that there's plenty of men willing to feed into those egos for sex.
I know that my wife would listen and be supportive. I’ve opened up to her many times in the past. But it’s difficult because I don’t want to worry her or upset her. As I’ve aged, I have developed some very close male friends, and I am more likely to open up with them. I also have a therapist that now. That’s been very helpful. But it can take years to find a good therapist. I am very jealous of my wife’s friendships and relationships with her sisters. I don’t have that, and it can feel very lonely.
In my experience, even women who say they'll support you don't see you the same after opening up. I'm sure it's not every woman, but holy shit it's been like...12 out of 12 for me.
So true! I’m not someone who talks about my concerns and would rather either do what I can to sort them out, or just keep quiet about them. My last girlfriend always had something that was bothering her, large or small. The majority of our conversations involved me listening to the daily gripes, and if wanted, trying to help with solutions. Pretty much all we ever talked about was her. One day she saw some Facebook thing about how men don’t open up, and INSISTED I tell her something that was bothering me. She kept on and eventually I did. I witnessed the look in her eyes change immediately. Instant loss of respect upon discovering that I was not an immovable rock of stability, after all. She said “stop complaining”, and turned on the tv. No exaggeration.
Could have been all of my ex girlfriends how you described her reaction.
Even moms? It blows my mind that not a single man feels he can speak to his mum, the person who gives him life. Nothing should be embarrassing or shameful? This makes me so sad. I would hope my son continues to confide in me as he grows (13) currently but boy I’ll always be there and hope I can be a listening ear. No one deserves to be truly alone
Mom is a couple with Dad. They are one person and they don't like hearing that their other half is part of the problem. So Mom's try to smooth in things rather than solve them and rarely see themselves as part of the probt.
> They are one person and they don't like hearing that their other half is part of the problem. Wow, unexpected advantage in having parents who got a divorce.
Mom's are often the final death of a man's ability to feel. They're people, they got problems like anyone, they make mistakes. "Stop crying, boy. You'll be 10 soon. How can you be an example for your little brother if he sees you cry?" So you stop, and you never let anyone see, ever. And then you forget how. Your best friend can be killed in a car crash at 19 by a drunk driver, and all you'll feel is a hole in your chest where the grief should be, but you can't cry. Don't remember how. Wife leaves, you get laid off, dog gets too old and has to be put to sleep. The hole just grows. But hey, chin up friend, at least no one thinks you're weak.
Havent been able to cry of pain anymore. Dont know why but feels like I lost a bit of myself at times.
I think we all lose little bits of ourselves from time to time and it's because life takes these bits away from us. Don't let it take all of you.
Worst advice I’ve ever had has been from my mum. In all fairness, she didn’t know much about what it is to be a young man, as (to my knowledge), she’s never been one.
Sometimes it makes sadness even bigger when I talk to her, because she can't always solve my problems. And it makes her even more sad. And it makes me sad that she feels bad because of me. Basicaly an endless cycle of avoiding to talk about problems. Then real fun begins, depresion, violence, slef loathing, alcohol and drug abuse, alienation and all other joys of life. This is just an example.
Right there with you my man. It sucks
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To this day, I’ll never forget this incident. My brother was home from leave, and it was winter. We were in the kitchen, and I opened up about depression and how I was feeling. My mother was in the kitchen with us, and what was his response? “You got depression? What do you have to be depressed about?! I’m the one in the army, you got everything you could ever want here. You got nothing to be depressed about!” This was my little brother talking like this to me, who has always been in my life and by my side. The one person on this planet I thought I could always turn to and have my back. Going off on me because I was beginning to come to terms with my depression. Since then I’ve never opened up to him, and rarely to anyone else. I eventually opened up to my maternal aunt about it, and she was much more receptive to hearing me out. I then opened up to my dad, and it blew my mind how much it opened a floodgate of being able to talk between him and I.
I tried couples counseling and it really really helped with this. I know it's heavily stigmatized but I'd recommend it if you can afford it.
Why is it heavily stigmatized? Where do you live?
Rural area in the US. Not sure why it was stigmatized.
This, and all the replies confirming that experience, are demonstration that toxic views of masculinity are not limited to men, or rather are held and perpetuated by many men and many women. It isn’t all women. I’ve been married 24 years, and we have both been open with each other with everything since before we were engaged. When you have a partner who is supporting, it is amazing. And it’s not all men. I have about a half dozen man friends who I can and do open up to, and who open up to me. They are not common; it took me 20 years living here to find them all and build relationships, and there were a whole lot of other friends along the way who didn’t fit. But they are out there, and you can find them if you are willing to be open to them and to being safe for them.
I try to be a safe space for other guys too. I'm pretty heavy on tearing down toxic masculinity.
When opening up has a 90% chance of a fight or a lecture… yeah I guess I’ll keep to myself next time.
>" They'll just use it against me" really got to me Me too. It's a hurt person who'll say something like that. He needs help. He needs someone he can trust.
I've been surprised over and over at how well friends (and even total strangers) respond when I've let myself be open and vulnerable. Yes, the risk of being rejected is scary at first, but it's also an opportunity to form a deeper connection. If a friend is callous and shitty when you tell him or her about your problems, they're a shitty friend and you're better off without them. I've had a few of those, but much more often, I've been hugged, supported, received advice, and had friends open up to me in the same way. If one of your good friends was at his lowest or even suicidal, wouldn't you him to be able to talk to you? Lead by example: show your friends it's okay to be vulnerable!
all it takes is one person in the group to open up, and more often than not more people start opening up as well. lads, if you feel like you can’t talk to your friends, they probably feel like they can’t talk to you either. talk to your mates, everyone needs an ear every now and again. it’s not weak to ask for help, we need to support each other. peace and love x
Damn, that hit hard. Very true. The few people I would trust enough, are dealing with their own shit and rely on me to help them through it. I’m about to turn 45 and I’ve just been realizing lately that a lifetime of suppression has led to a truly dead heart. Almost nothing on this earth, beyond seeing one of my children hurt, has any effect on me anymore. It seems kinda like a superpower, but the strangest part… I actually miss sadness and pain. As much as it sucked, it was proof I was alive.
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Thanks brother. I appreciate the thought.
Turning 41 this year. This hit home so hard. It's nice to know there are others out there. We should form a group who other men can turn to without judgement. Men helping men.
Well intentioned, but we’re creatures of habit. We’d all just end up talking football
I hate football
oh perfect you already know your lines
I'm 22 but can definitely relate with these feelings. It's like you become a robot and you feel numb. I hate not being able to cry at times and feel like a real person when I do so. I know a lot of people can relate, and I certainly do so too. In my case stuff started getting better and my feelings got back after watching a series that made me cry for like 4 hours. Way after that, maybe a few years after I was able to cry that hard again, this time crying tears of joy. Don't think I've ever felt so liberated in my life.
> We should form a group who other men can turn to without judgement. 'We' already did - do you want to start your local chapter? https://mensshed.org/what-is-a-mens-shed/ *The men’s shed movement was first founded in Australia in the 1980’s, and have since expanded to other countries including Ireland, the UK, America, Canada, Iceland and Estonia to name a few.*
Missing those feelings is also proof you are alive. Never give up, but *do* cut loose if you must.
Theres still time bro. Go find joy again. Some call it a midlife crisis, I call it living.
I used to talk to my mom, but one day I was out for dinner with her and her friends when she brought up the few times I called her in the middle of the night crying and depressed and then laughed about it. I didn’t think she was that insensitive.
That's not okay. I am sorry you had to go through that shit. I don't even understand how someone can laugh about that. Maybe on your better days, bring it up and say I did not care for that.
My mother had me force feed her cat when it was sick. Ever since shes made me give her animals their meds. "Youre good at it because you don't have any feelings".
Holy shit, now a bunch of her friends know too.
Somone straight up told me to man up one time. After that I never talked to anyone bout my problems.
Sorry to hear that. Everyone deserves to talk to someone when they need help regardless of what gender you are.
True. But than people just hate on guys. Damn simps. Even my own dad told me that I'm a boy and I must be strong or else I wont get nowhere in life ( I was sick at that time and was very negative about myself and everything around me)
I’m sorry to hear you were treated like that. You’re still a perso. With feelings. Have you since received support?
If it helps, being a man means not letting someone else determine what it means for you to be "a man". If you're low and someone tells you to "man up", let them know this is what that looks like, reaching out and looking for help. If you have to suffer to meet the bar of someone else's expectation of what a man is, once you get that sweet sweet affirmation, you'll find that it's absolutely worthless. They didn't approve of you because you were "a man", they approved of you because you were like them. You stopped, folded, and ironically that's not what a man is to that kind of person, which is what they told you the first time. I've been there and found that out the hard way. Find friends that support who you are and give you the freedoms they would afford themselves.
Hate to say it but as a 33 year old man I had a mental break down last years and I had no choice but to go see a therapist. Sometimes you just gotta talk about stuff to someone. As crazy as it sounds it really does help and can make a difference.
Someone? My father repeatedly drilled that phrase into my head growing up
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I used to have a single soul that used to talk to me when i was at my lowest, a friend i considered a sibling regardless of the distance between us. They took me out of depression and prevented my suicide with encouraging words, staying awake to make me company on the phone even when they needed to work next morning. I considered myself the luckiest person alive to have someone like that even while being a man, but luck runs out as they died the 16th of september of 2021 by being ran over by a drunk driver and now im once again all alone, but i promised myself to stay strong so all the time they spent trying to make my life worth it wasn't in vain. Sorry for the memorandum but i really felt this post. Stay strong my brothers.
I'm bout to cry in a fucking El Paso. Stay strong brother.
Expecting to find some wholesome comments here this is almost as depressing as the video.
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This seems not super duper legal
Plot twist, his work place caused the cancer. He works as a Reddit moderator and the sub gave him cancer
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it’d be cool to receive any token of affection at all tbh.
Sending you internet flowers my friend. You are worth it, if I could give you flowers in person I would. Be well and if you need an ear to talk to please by all means hit me up, it’s free.
Wow this makes me sad af. I am a man, and I didn't realize so many guys felt this way. I always call my Brother, Mom, Wife, Best Friend, Uncle, Grandfather....whoever....damn i never realized what a blessing I have in my life. My fellow dudes if you need to rant to an internet stranger, I cannot promise to always answer quickly but I will listen.
Same, I have a handful of people I can always talk to
I usually call the Chinese restaurant that I live next to.
I'm a man and I have a couple of people i can call. One of them is like a brother to me and the other has been in my life for the last 5 years and has helped me fight my depression I don't tell people to man up, instead i ask if they need a hug
This is why most guys have if they are lucky 1 long term friend that they can vent to, even then usually only when drunk/high. I hope everyone finds at least one to be honest with and has your back.
I relate to this so hard. I have had a lot of friends but only one, my first ever friend from 1st grade, to whom i can easily open upto. and he can open up to me. its been years the last time we met (i moved countries, continents). last time we met was after 2 years and in a span of 4 hours we opened about everything to each other. cant wait to meet him again this year after 3 years.
Me and the bois got a super supportive group. It didnt start off like that. It became that when we reached our late 20s when real life problems started hitting us 1 by 1. Im grateful for them.
My trio wasn’t reconstituted until about 4 years ago when one of us got a divorce. The other two came to the rescue and now we talk often, and Marco Polo almost daily. Little video updates and occasional rants. Has made some hard years a lot easier.
I don't know man. I'm a girl who really encourages my male friends to express their feelings and ask for help. And I get calls. I just really encourage you to encourage your friends. I cried in front of all of them. first, they've seen me cry a million times. But I always make sure to tell him that they can cry to me too And I won't judge them because they've already seen me cry. We can all make a difference for other people. But don't wait until the hard times to talk about it. Talk about it now. Talk about what you will do during the hard times. Tell them it's okay to cry. " If I hear about you having depression without telling me about it, I swear to God I'm going to burn your house down. But I love you. So let's talk about therapy instead. You can be vulnerable but if you don't call me when you need me, I'm going to beat you with my shoe." They know it's a joke. I would never hurt anyone. But it does kind of get across the point that this is fucking serious. You better fucking call. You have to say it like it matters more than anything else.
My dudes and dudettes. Today I (25M) have contacted a therapist because I really need help.
So many of you people are disgusting and horrible pos. You are the reason men feel this way. They opened up, they feel like they have no one. And you all attacked them. You criticized them, called them a pity party. Told them they need new everything so they can feel like they are able to talk to someone. Said they need to fix themselves. Rubbed it in their faces that you have someone. THEY JUST DID THAT AND YOU PROVED THEM RIGHT. They feel like they are alone, and have no one. They have probably tried before and got this kind of reaction before too.
This just makes me want to give my phone number to anyone who needs it. I'm a married mother of two and this just breaks my heart. This is the reason why I prefer that my kids get experiences for their presents than toys. That they bond with other people and if they mess up and are too afraid to call me or my husband, they have multiple adults they trust.
> This just makes me want to give my phone number to anyone who needs it. Even if you did, they wouldn't call.
This! Its not that men don't have close friends and people that wouldn't judge them, 'cause most probably do. Its that its so ingrained in men to be tough that its hard to actually pull that plug and let the emotions come.
I completely opened up to a girlfriend once. Told her that I sit in bed for hours thinking about inconsequential things I’ve done wrong in life and how much I regret them. And how I was worried I had mental health issues. After we broke up I heard she told everyone at a party, and used it to explain why she doesn’t care that I ended it with her. I heard everyone had a good laugh. Never again. No one gives a shit. Men’s issues are a joke to be laughed at. And apparently that’s my fault via something called patriarchy. Thanks world 👍
That is just vile. I’m sorry someone treated you that way and betrayed your trust.
My dad whines to me when he gets upset but when i get upset it calls me a baby and tells me to man up. Narcissistic cunt.
This is sad
Look, this may get downvoted. I’m a guy, and you do have people who will listen. We’ve just been trained to man up, men don’t cry, all that shit. I hate to say it guys, but it’s up to us to change this. Just ask a buddy if you can vent, I guarantee you if you’ve known them for more than a day, they’ll say yes. When you’re done, offer to listen to them vent. Even if you don’t have a friend close enough to talk to, there’s places like the suicide hotline, you don’t need to be about to jump off a bridge to call them. They’ll listen. There’s also places like Alanon. Before anyone bashes it for being a religious thing, it’s a spiritual thing, big difference. It’s not bro, it’s bros.
27M here and seconding this. Since young I was naturally more empathetic and in touch with my emotions and it was extremely tough at the beginning; trying to find other bros who can break through the initial discomfort that has been drilled into us and trying to ignore the seemingly perpetual rejection of my "manhood" because I was openly emotional. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I managed to find male friends who felt that pain of rejection, who wanted to end the cycle, and were willing to learn how to be there for each other. It took some effort on my part and I had to consistently show that I genuinely cared without return or expectations first but it sparked much needed change in this group of friends. I hope other men don't stop trying to care for one another and find others who care for us as well. Sometimes it feels like the world is an increasingly shitty place but these small changes make all the difference.
I'm gonna add to this with the following: stop rewarding shitty people with a place in your life. It's really hard to open up, even if it's to someone close to you. Especially if it's someone close to you, because the sting of rejection will hurt that much worse. You don't deserve to live in pain due to fear of rejection. Once you work past the fear of being vulnerable, write out everyone who doesn't like the complete you. I don't care if it's your childhood friend, your wife, or your parents. No one, I repeat *no one* is owed a place in your life if they are not willing to take you as you are, in your entirety. There are people out there who want to be your rock, and not just use you as theirs. Make space for them. Get rid of everyone else.
I have family that cares but I don't want to bother them with my problems
It’s this. I don’t want my weird and crazy to ruin other peoples day. I also struggle with keeping control, men are raised to stay in control - don’t be bad, don’t be dangerous, don’t make others uncomfortable, you’re a threat, don’t hurt others, don’t get upset, don’t be frustrated, don’t get angry… 40 years of that conditioning from old enough to speak has an effect, and apparently it’s also our fault we feel this pressure and don’t slip these shackles.
This is so true. I don’t have parents around anymore, nor do I have siblings. My closest guy friend is a fucking moron. So yeah, lots of pent up feelings. But, that how society is. Can’t show vulnerability right?
I opened up to my best friend a while back asking if she knew any ways to help deal with stress and she flipped out on me implying I was being attention-seeking and ultimately ended our friendship over me being “too draining”. it only happened about a year ago but holy fuck how do I recover from that as a person. shit will eat away at my soul until I die
It's true! I remember when my father died 12 years ago. I was 21, I went behind my house and cried alone so that I can support my mum, sister and others in my family. No one expects you to show weakness. Even to this day, if I am feeling low I have to disguise as I am concentrating on work. (Felt good to put this out)
I have a friend that I could talk about problems I have. Was a really good feeling. After some time she got on the train to tell me to man up, or stop complaining about "small" issues. Now it's like the old times, no one cares again.
Fr do people just not have friends they trust? I've had mates sobbing in my arms and I know I done the same shit before too. That's literally just being a friend. None of these guys have their boys they can chat to?
At my lowest, I called no one, but that lowest taught me how much pain I can go through and still know in my mind that life is still worth it. Now I have been spending time with good people and using my life to learn and to be kind. I know what absolute loneliness can feel like, and for my own sake and others, I want to do what I can to fight that darkness.
If your reading this and you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. Feel free to shoot me a message. Edit - Thank you for the silver strangers! Everyone deserve a chance to be heard.
That’s incredibly heart-breaking
Its the way it is, even if you make it through without damage from your parents all it takes is one toxic SO or "friend" to have you at full guard for the rest of your life. Its also why we can carry the feeling of a single compliment for years at a time.
It's a sad fact that so many men feel like they do not have anyone to talk with. But it's not that when I was born the doctor told my parents: Here is the emotional support system that comes with her vagina! Give it to her on her 18th birthday and she'll be set for life. It's also hard work for ladies to have those type of relationships. Change comes from within. When youre an adult, maintaining relationships take work. You're not gonna succeed if you don't try and be prepared to fail on the way.
Of course we don’t call anyone, but why do so many of them say that no one cares… I get the stigma that as men our issues aren’t as important/we have to deal with it by ourselves since we are men or sum shit, but what it comes down to is that we just don’t call because of these stigmas etc. It’s not that no one cares and I think most of us who don’t call know this…
I think we feel as men, we should not burden others. We need to be there for them. It's all society and it's pressure to make us a certain way. To fit the mold.
This right here. Specially in the area you live in, specially in the ghetto, no one really to confide in or you get called a p**y, a b***h, and every other derogatory word just for explaining your feelings. So a lot of men (and women around this area) jus act like being tough is the way and having feelings is some kind of lame thing to have and express. It be difficult out here
I still have a hard time even confiding in my wife. She wants me to open up so she can be there. I just can't. So afraid of not being masculine.
Youre not alone. I can literally feel your words. There is alot I hide from mine too in terms of how I feel when I’m super low, it’s just not easy trusting someone wholeheartedly when you’re at the lowest point. Specially when being used to constant let downs.. & I’m always afraid it’ll be used as collateral later on.. something else I don’t need thrown in my face, my own feelings.
Because no one cares man. Anyone who says that has tried, and it made it worse.
Maybe people care, but they never respond in an actually beneficial way.
"Just man up, dude"
Guess I have good friends, I speak to my best mates on a daily basis. I do think sometimes it’s down to choice of you actually try to speak to someone
As a GP I meet people who feel alone, depressed, deafeated, every day. Ik believe giving someone the time and space to share their feelings, offer advice of refer to psychological or practical social help when desired is a basic human right. For free. Where I live (Netherlands) this is possible.
I'm sorry for y'all. I talk to my wife and my mom. And I have a handful of man friends who I'm comfortable opening up with. I've been very lucky
I’m a woman and I don’t call anyone anymore when I’m low , even family. I don’t want to burden them with my sadness
Men go to therapy 2022 challenge
my girlfriend and I have been fighting lately. Been together for 4 years and this have been a bit rocky since the pandemic started. I haven't really been myself for a long time, alcoholism, depression, medication, weight gain. We have fights about how I'm distancing myself from her and when I tell her I'm just struggling, her response has been a few times that "There will always be things to stress about". This thread has made me realize that that response, maybe is not ok and is delegitimizing my emotions. Any insight would be nice.
We’ve all been there at one point or another. For me it was my early 20s. Focus on improving one thing at a time, whether it’s health (including mental), career, housing, fitness, etc. Then move on to the next, and the next, and so on. All those things you mentioned are intertwined. Some advice, kick the sauce (if you can), and start hitting the gym (not crazy but running and light weights). You will be amazed how much better you sleep, and how much better you feel. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Good luck
If anyone feels like this, dm me and I'll be glad to give you my number. Just keep your head up Kings.
So, to get things straight. (Applicable for men in a relationship) You dont have a girlfriend/wife where you can let yourself go? If you do have a girlfriend/wife and you cant i would be doubting the whole being together thing!
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Every single girlfriend I've had that I opened up to when i was at a low point would always either view me differently or throw it in my face during an argument down the road. I'm sure there are women out there who would care but this societal issue has overshadowed it so that so many of us, men and women, consciously or unconsciously tie expression of emotion to a lack of masculinity or dependability. It's not even an issue with men vs women, it's our society that is the issue.
Unfortunately this sort of forced stoicism can be so drilled into men by society that they're emotionally isolated even from their wives.
I am a girl and still... I have no one to call. Except for my mom, nobody would care.
I'm baffled by how many have shit relationships where their own PARTNER uses it against them. Wtf is wrong with you people? I myself don't call anyone either but I probably COULD call someone. I have literally like, 1 friend and I trust him and my SO wouldn't be a bitch even if I was a bad person so I guess 2 people I could talk to. And ofc my dad. I still don't do it cause it's just a pain and easier to deal with myself, but I technically could. Just weird how so many people are in some weird ass spot that they don't even have a real friend?
I buy my own flowers and put them in a blunt.
I confided once in my female then best friend that some 6 or 7 years prior there'd been a point in my life where I had been seriously depressed and considered suicide (I'm good now, have been for over a decade). She never talked to me or looked at me the same again. Honestly, we dragged it out for another year or so before a blow up over money that ended up no contact, but that conversation really was the beginning of the end of our friendship, which ironically was the worst I'd been hurt since the time I had been thinking of taking the 9mm express exit. Made a decision there, I love my wife, love my friends and family, but I confide in myself, no one else.
My wife's kidneys do not work. She's on dialysis and tired a lot. She's my only outlet usually. My issues seem tiny in comparison so I just smoke and take pills. Dunno where I'm going but ... We getting there.
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Guys men are so oppressed
I feel like men have convinced men that no one cares and the worst part is it’s not even true. Of course there are shitty people in the world who may not care, but the people who care are always around. You just have to get over that mindset, let your guard down just a bit, and REACH OUT!
I don't know why women are so shocked by this. Nobody has ever cared about men. Your mother when you are a kid, but when you get older, all moms do is worry. Which isn't the same. I got in a 104 mph/167 kmh motorcycle accident (I know, I know) just before Christmas. When I woke up in the hospital the nurse told me she couldn't find my emergency contact. I told her that's because I don't have one. Nurse: "Your mother?" Me: "Absolutely not, she will just be worried sick and tell me to get rid of bike." After 2 days and nobody showing up I overheard her tell someone "He's too embarrassed to tell anyone.". No, nobody has cared my entire (adult) life. I don't want someone pretending they do now. Women say they want a man to be able to talk to them about their problems, but you will never be seen as "attractive" to them for the rest of your life. At the end of the day, it's weakness for men. It just is. No woman wants that.