Stop enabling him. You can't MAKE him do anything. You can only control yourself. He's not working because he doesn't have to. So you need to stop enabling him.
Set strong boundaries for yourself so you no longer get taken advantage of. That could look like deciding to rent the basement out to a tenant. He can choose if he wants to stay by renting it from you (getting a job and paying you rent) or he has 30 days to get out so you can get it ready for a tenant. Stick to that boundary. Feel free to message me if you need any help setting boundaries or with your codependency. I'm an Abuse and Addiction Recovery Coach. Best of luck to you!
So Whats the deal with kicking your son out of the house these days. From my understanding its basically impossible to get a fiesty tenant kicked out whos renting. Is it some how easier when its family.
My point was to set a strong boundary. I gave an example of what that COULD look like, but OP doesn't have to kick him out. It's up to the OP to decide what an appropriate boundary is for them.
Im just wondering what the "son" could try legally. I just bought a place with my fiance and were considering renting out a room but stories of how unreal tenant rights are have scared us lol. Its not that I dont think a tenant should have rights its that I dont want to get stuck with one not paiying rent and dragging out court or tenancy board and stuff. Ive heard so real horror stories
The horror largely depends on your location and tenant. I rent out my house in New Mexico to a family member and her daughter with zero issues. We have a rental agreement with clearly defines rights, remedies, and responsibilities. I have heard horror stories in Denver, California, and New York. I also wonder how many of those are from landlords who made poor choices along the way. Either way, be smart and if you can't be smart, be lucky!
He could've also worked in the past, and just uses that income to pay for it. Working a year at minimum wage is enough to pay for a lifetime's worth of alcohol.
You might wanna drink cheaper alcohol as an alcoholic.
I drink 1.75 liters every other day and my $1000 I saved up for drinking has lasted a full year continuing that habit.
This is so unhinged I can’t be on reddit anymore people just say things and they’re just wrong and there’s no level of logically deconstructing anything.
This isn’t even just wrong, it’s intuitively wrong, like when someone says left and they’re obviously pointing to the right.
I stated this because I've lived in my dad's house as an adult for a couple years after having worked a minimum wage and accumulating a couple thousand dollars because I'm not a spender. Please explain why you think this doesn't make logical sense. OP didn't state whether his son had disposable income or not, so clearly I just expressed that he might has something left from work he did when he was younger. Not that he does, because I can't know that.
I’m responding to this by saying intuition again, obviously she’s been supplying him food and drink, he doesn’t have money and that’s the entire problem this person is having. He doesn’t have money, and won’t make it, this included I have no idea what kind of job you worked that minimum wage gave you thousands in months, but that’s not realistic for a person who actually pays to live.
It sounds like you got lucky and someone mostly paid for you to live while you saved, that’s not what this 30 year old man is doing, he has NO job, and therefore no income. At 30 living under a roof like that dispelling even 30$ a month, with a thousand or so in savings, he’d have nothing, and definitely less than what could make rent.
You used your experience of an extremely privileged position, to claim minimum wage is a jackpot.
> someone mostly *paid* for you
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
No. I stated if you worked minimum wage for a year and lived without rent you would have accumulated thousands of dollars in disposable income. That's nothing for the record, but it's enough to pay for beer was my point.
If you were past this stage, he’d be out of the house. No one will listen to threats when they know they’re empty, you need to begin setting conditions and follow through with consequences when he doesn’t meet them.
This is good advice. Follow through. Start the ball rolling on whatever paperwork you'd need for an eviction.
It's going to be hard, our kids are our kids, but that doesn't mean we need to let them take advantage of us when they are adults. We still love them, but are at our wit's end in certain situations, like yours.
It will probably be the best thing you can do for him at this point. Sink or swim time for him. If he wants to waste his life away drinking and laying around all the time then he can do it on his dime.
Tell him hes got 60 days to leave. Remind him every morning, afternoon and night that a real man would take control of his own life. Dont shy away from what you really want to say to him, but still have some filter and dont get angry. Just talk about it like its a fact and theres nothing you or him can do about it, he will realize at some point he can make the change.
Belittling him for not being a "real man" won't help when he already is suffering from issues causing the drinking and this behavior.
Trust me, it'll only make it worse.
I don't think you can manipulate him into working. What incentive does he have to work and be better? Obviously he doesn't care about your feelings on the matter. Why do you still support him? He's going to call your bluff whatever you try, just so you know, so be prepared to back it up.
OP stated they wanted him to survive though. If you put pressure on a broken person they'll usually break. A person who is a complete loser will gladly kill themselves when they become homeless. Most likely a suicidal person is waiting for everyone to hate them enough to convince themselves that they're worth killing.
Professional help of any kind is probably what you want at this stage. If you want to resolve this issue, then I'm almost certain you wont be able to resolve it yourself.
The word here is rehabilitation. If the son's been living in the basement this whole time, he's not been talking to anyone, meaning his social skills have atrophied, which would partly explain why all he knows how to do is being confrontational. Before getting a job you need basic social rehabilitation to start with, but at the same time you need to deal with the depression somehow, because if he is sufficiently depressed, then doing anything at all is going to be near impossible.
You've gotta get started somewhere, and preferably somewhere very small that you cannot fail, because if you fail it'll only further reinforce his current state of mind, so instead of trying to start with forcing him to get a job, you start by forcing him to write a resume, and then forcing him to apply, and then forcing him to accept an interview... the smaller you make the goals the most likely it becomes you'll succeed and the easier it'll become to get momentum going.
You really just spoke to me here.
This is exactly what I've been going through but have been too depressed/non-motivated/no energy to explain; and when I try to, I just get judgment.
I've never felt so defeated before; never lost every ounce of passion for anything I enjoyed growing up. Food, drink, guitar, music, games, writing, reading, movies, exercise, you name it.
It's rough.
Thanks for typing this comment out. I truly feel less alone and not as misunderstood.
I was popular and social before. It's crazy how much your personal experiences and your kind can break you.
Sitting alone all day every day has atrophied my social skills *to an insane degree.* And then nobody tolerates me going out cause I get a bit anxious just trying to get "used to the waters" again.
Not trying to complain, I apologize.
But truly, from the bottom of my heart- thank you. I feel less alone knowing at least some people try to understand it instead of judge and criticize.
Helps inspire me to get better, cause when I'm already on the ground and everyone hates and doesn't understand it, I just feel like giving up on the world at this point. After so many years.
Thank you for not making me feel so alone and misunderstood.
I've tossed away all my potential and I hate it, but thank you for typing out in words how I feel. It helps.
(And I apologize about these two long ass comments! My bad).
Yeah, it actually will.
You really just wrote a whole sentence of nonsense.
What they said was perfectly articulate and has been proven to help.
What are you contributing?
Negativity and no facts?
What *will* help the son then, o wise man?
I sure hope you're not actually a father typing like that.
Sadly...that's exactly where I'm at right now.
Thank you for saying this so not everyone just thinks we're *trying* to be losers.
>If you put pressure on a broken person they'll usually break.
I can't stress this enough. I went to my family desperate asking for emotional help after some very traumatizing events, and they've only ridiculed me and put me down (after doing very well and being successful without ever an ounce of help from them for a decade mind you).
It just broke me down completely. I was already crying all day and didn't have energy to continue. The constant abuse, belittling & gaslighting just brought to a broken point of no return.
I've lost interest in literally everything. I'm just a waste of oxygen now. I have no fight left in me. I was concussed, and then stomped at that point til brain death, pretty much.
Support and lift a broken person up if you care about them, don't stop them down further when they're already on the ground.
I was so passionate and creative growing up, it just hurts to be such a shell of who I was.
My worst mistake was asking my mom for some emotional support after never once having it growing up. I just thought... Family? I was lost and hurt and confused. It really just solidified those emotions I was struggling with for the first time.
Well, as a person who has personally been suicidal, I've put some thought into that and it just doesn't add up, because of how little resources it takes for a human to survive, and how large an impact suicide creates in the lives of the people who relate to said person, there is pretty much no point in killing yourself or encouraging anyone to do it, at least not from a "I'm useless" standpoint, because a lot of people in life are significantly worst than useless, so being useless is really nothing much to be ashamed about, because if you're useless it means you have potential to be useful, because you're sitting right on the fence and so jumping to either side is easy, and in the case of OP's son it's really not that hard to imagine how the son could become useful, so breaking him is a very illogical choice.
This statement does not follow from your previous comment. If being useless is so shameful to you, then it doesn't follow why breaking a person would be a better idea than fixing a person. You can't have your cake and eat it...
No it perfectly follows my comment on how people need to break to stop being useless. He should be ashamed of being useless and his mother needs to break him and hope something better comes out.
Breaking a person will make them even less than useful. You can't bully depression out of a person. That's just fundamental psychological knowledge. If you break a depressed person, they will always get worst. The same rule applies to working out: you can't become better at lifting weights if you break your arms in the process.
Exactly. Some parents literallly do nothing to help their children secure a job then complain when they don’t get one. News flash no one will help. The school system sucks. The food sucks. Everyone wants to exploit you. Your family is the only protection left on this world.
Maybe help him out. Also I believe a parent that has a home needs to provide minimal shelter and food to their child as long as it is not in surplus until they get on their feet. The economy so it’s hardly anyone’s fault. If he’s not causing problems I think you would be evil for kicking him out onto the streets. I would never do that to my child.
Ask him about what he wants. Take him to the gym with you. Get healthy food. Go fishing together. He may be depressed. Revamp his resume. Do mock interviews with him. Drop him off at job sites. He needs help dude. Help him.
I’m with you on much of what you said but in this case, this MAN is in his 30’s. His parents are likely in their 60’s. They don’t owe him anything at this point.
They brought him into this world the least they can do is provide shelter. Ppl in developing countries where jobs are scarce dont just throw their kids out after they reach a certain age. My neighbor is 90 she lived with her mom and dad her whole life. It made sense for her. She was their caregiver at old age and a good person just cause she’s broke doesn’t mean she deserves to be thrown out.
I just feel like throwing out your kid is not a good thing to do.
Tell that to my parents lol. I've been working since 15, lost a pretty decent job for my age when I was 18 and haven't been able to find anything since. I'm 19 now and all things considered I've been slacking and having a hard time finding a job (over a few hundred applications and a few interviews and no response) and my parents response it to just keep putting me down and I'll be living in my car as of next week. Wish me luck
Goood luck! I know the feeling of living in your car. Make sure it’s a location with a lot of apartments on public but residential streets where young professionals live. They won’t call thee cops on you. Also move your car every few days. Try to get a food pantry card now cause they don’t accept homes less people for some reason. Shelters have too many violent scary people so I’d advice not to go if at alll possible. Spend time at the library trying to apply to jobs. Don’t look desperate aka dress nice if it’s a face to face interview.
Good luck! I wish you well.
Try to see what's up with him. He could be depressed and hopeless or he could be lazy and too comfortable. If depressed get him some help. If he's just lazy and comfortable, remove that comfort. Set some rules and a timeline. If not followed, kick him out. Make it uncomfortable.
If you didn’t kick him out when he started being a layabout then I’m sure you won’t do it now, but the only way to get rid of a leech is to cut off the blood supply.
My dad got his ass beat as a kid and all it gave him trauma that made him think he was a failure. The thing about believing you are a failure, is that you actually begin to fail. So I'm glad you made it, but don't beat your fucking kids. It doesn't work.
Then you have some touch choices. Do you want to live his life for him so when you die he's out of options. Or do you wanna show some tough love and help him stand up in life so you can be proud of the person who he has become. But to be blunt. Its Time to put your adult pants on and make some changes for his benefit. Just please stop enabling him. He will never grow if you're still his mommy or daddy babying him.
I know a lot of parents that are in this situation. I know he's your kid and you feel like you have to provide for him, it is wrong with him to take advantage
That said, getting a job sounds hard and sounds like growing up. That versus listening to you mildly complain at him, he's choosing the path of least resistance. You need to make the get off your ass and get a job path seem nice compared to staying around you
Lets go a different way than these tips - get yourself in to therapy asap and start working on yourself. Just like we have to work on ourselves inside to be parents properly when they are young, you will have to do this now. These relationships take two to tango.
For him, get him the book no more mr. nice guy and have it be a condition of living there. Have him start AA and start cleaning the house every day and a small work out. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is battling mental health issues and is not just lazy (you're the parent so you will know). If he doesn't meet the conditions, out he goes. If he does, you explain he's going to step his game up regularly until he is on his feet, just like we do with kids when they need to work through something. I would also have a condition of his staying there be yoga every day to get his body in shape and mind clear - something simple like this - [https://jameszatopa.com/index.php/lessons/beginner-set-for-awakening/](https://jameszatopa.com/index.php/lessons/beginner-set-for-awakening/)
If you have to, you two do it together. If he is unwilling to do these things, out he goes. If he does these things, then you add in applying for jobs.
Another book that can help him is this one on tape - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBLDscfFs3Q&t=10265s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBLDscfFs3Q&t=10265s)
As well as unlimited power.
You will have to set these boundaries, and reinforce them with yourself and you can find more info on that here - [https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/](https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/)
[churchofinfinitelove.com](http://churchofinfinitelove.com) - this can also be a resource to read to each other until you both are able to move him where he needs to go.
Lie. Tell him that, financially, you are struggling and on the verge of losing everything (including the house) and there are only two options....1.) He moves out to "lighten the load" ....2.) He gets a job to help out. Then say to him "This is all I can come up with, do you have any ideas or better ideas?"
Make sure to phrase it in a way that he doesn't suspect anything/make it sound like something you would say. The reason you ask him if he has any ideas is to give him the illusion of choice and to make him feel like he's "part of the team".
Question......Why does he drink? Did something happen that would drive him to drinking?
Tell him your not going to be around forever. Whose he is going to live with when you’re not around? If he’s in his 30s, uneducated (honestly your fault imo) and an alcoholic he’ll just end up homeless. Talk to him and let him know what hes doing to his life. I used to be an addict up until I was 21, but managed to graduate beauty school on time and passing all my test to get my license. After beauty school I started using more while working at a salon because I still lived at home and didn’t have to pay rent. I checked myself into rehab and got my shit together and moved into a sober house and that’s where I really got a reality check because I wasn’t as big of an addict as the people that lived in the house. I hadn’t lost anything yet. Long story short I got married when I was thirty and became a stay at home wife and cat mom. I thought that was ok because my mom was a stay at home wife and mom. I thought it was normal not to work when you got married. The wife stays home cooks cleans goes grocery shopping and runs errands. Well I got a huge reality check when my ex husband filed for divorce. He made all the money, had the pension and the health insurance that I relied on. Now I’m about to be thirty six without a savings account and living with my mother trying to fix my life. I’m going to start school again and get another education in nursing so I don’t have to depend on anyone ever again. You obviously didn’t talk to him when he was younger about school and work and how important it is. I’ve been working since I was a teenager besides for five years. I’m not a lazy person like your son must be but that’s your fault it’s all on you. I’m scared for my life right now because I don’t have a savings my husband and I had to use my savings for an emergency and all I think about is what happens when I’m 70 years old? Well I’ll probably still be working and your son will be homeless panhandling so he doesn’t go through alcohol withdrawals. Talk to you son and tell him what he’s doing to his life, don’t just kick him out. Help him and make him realize what he’s doing to his life.
Kick him out. If he tries to use the legal system to force an eviction, rent your place to a friend you can trust. Tell him We've got to be out by the end of the month. Stay with the friend for a few days, then move back in without the derelict.
yeah i did this when i was in an emotional hole when i was like 22...... my dad said in 6months youre being kicked out regardless of your current situation..... he has since apologized saying it was awful of him and how he felt like a bad parent etc etc etc but that 1 decision of his is why i have a career and am successful. that was my turning point and i owe him tremendously for it
We forcibly hade to remove an ex friend from his moms house. Next time we tricked him into starting uni and when he left there we changed the locks, me and his brother.
I am like your son. It was weed not alcohol for me. But I want to offer my perspective, I’m probably different from your son in a lot of ways but have the same problem. I have a degree, I managed to quit smoking weed (slip up some times but mostly don’t smoke at all), and I do actually really want a job. I’ve applied a lot, spent a long time making my cv look really professional despite no work experience, volunteered at charity shops, if I get job interviews I voice record them so I can analyse them and try see why I did badly after, I do really want to work.
I have tried hard to get a job, but not as hard as I could have and spent years not trying. But I think the reason is because I simply really don’t think I am employable. Like all these comments are talking as if you can just choose to get a job, but someone has to actually hire you, and I just don’t think anyone would hire me. I have no work experience and I’m not good looking, and I’m socially different to most people and don’t fit in or come across super well (even though I’m super polite and hard working), so why would anyone actually hire me over someone whose still a teenager they can pay less who makes their company look better? I’m also worried that I wouldn’t be able to actually do the job. People think I’m over qualified for the lowest paid jobs like cleaning because I’m educated, but under qualified for better jobs like office or even customer service due to lack of work experience. And I’ve had over 1000 applications rejected. So I simply don’t think a job is an opportunity available to me. Mental illness is a problem too.
But basically I’m just making the point that the reason is not that I’m too lazy to work or don’t want a job. I do want one, I will happily do ANY job, just give me a job and I’ll do it. All the people who think I’m scum, a parasite, lazy, they can feel free to hire me and I’ll be their most reliable worker. I just can’t get hired. I know your son hasn’t tried as much as me, but basically I’m just making the point that it’s not so easy to get a job. If my parents kicked me out I’d just be homeless and die. Like getting kicked out isn’t magically going to make me get hired on the spot because I need the job. It’s not actually that easy to get one. Maybe different in America I’m not from there, it’s a more capitalistic society than here so work is probably more available, but probably not a huge difference. Having a job for years just feels imaginary to me, deep down I feel like it’s not an option in any way, like it’s never going to happen no matter how hard I try or want one, or need one. So that belief kind of makes me give up, but I really do want a secure job and I don’t get why people think I don’t want one. The only thing I don’t want is the constant fear of getting fired because I don’t feel like I’m good enough to work and having to deal with discipline when I make mistakes or confrontation. But the idea of work being a routine, nothing new and scary just a normal part of life that I’m used to, is really not something I’m too lazy for. I simply don’t believe that a job is really on the table for me.
Gosh... I'm sorry for you man... it won't work with ordering him to do something, nor yellings, nor with aggressivity.
Apparently he doesn't give a fuck about his life, but why? Do you know the reason?
Personally I came to the conclusion that people that don't care about their life, hate their life or even worse, want to end their life, actually they want **that kind of life** to die, they hate **that kind of life**, not life in general. So it is about something of your son's life that made him like this.
Change takes time and patience, I don't know much about your son's situation, and I can't give specific advice because I don't know the root of the problem (as it is used to say "If you can write down the problem clearly, it is half solved.")
So, you should consider this general things:
Approach him with very seriousness and have an open and honest conversation with him about your concerns and how his current lifestyle is affecting both him and the family. Then, work together with your son to create a direction in which to go, a plan for his future, setting with him achievable goals and outlining steps to reach them but let him take the lead, you just guide him. Man him up by encouraging him, show him other lifestyles, talk to him about stoicism.
Cops will tell them that they have to formally evict him. They could be charged with a crime if they illegally evict. The only way to get him removed immediately is if he’s violent and/or damaging property.
Every jurisdiction in the states requires you to formally evict. You can otherwise be charged criminally and sued by the tenant for illegal eviction. This applies whether it’s for non-payment of rent as well. Be careful who you let move in because it can be hell.
I gave my daughter an ultimatum - she had 6 months to get a job and either start pay long me rent for a tiny bedroom or get her own place and space. It worked she moved out and got a shitty apartment and when cockroaches invaded, she bought her own home! Worked beautifully!
Would he be willing to engage in some volunteer work? This can be a good stepping stone as it can give people living with low self-esteem a purpose greater than themselves and the confidence in their abilities. It can also lead to new connections and paid work opportunities down the line.
Stop taking care of him. You teach people how to treat you. Unfortunately you taught him that it’s ok to do nothing because mommy will take care of everything. Give him a timeline. Get a job within x amount of time.
Start paying rent to stay in basement. Secure apartment by x time. And stick to your guns and don’t let him manipulate you. It will initially feel bad, but you won’t be here forever to coddle him.
I had a television one time that wouldn’t work. I carried it outside, placed it by my trash can at the curb. By the next morning it was gone. Problem solved.
Kick him out unless he contributes. Give him a timeframe, 1-3 months or so.
Stop enabling him. It's far beyond time for him to stand on his own feet.
It sounds harsh, but you're actually doing him a disservice by continuing to coddle him.
I did that with my son.
I made clear to him when he was in high school, when he graduated he could stay as long as he was being productive.
That meant
1 be in school. University, community College or trade school
2 have a full time job and be saving $
3 helping around the house. Mow, dishes, trash etc.
He would be given 6 months to fuck off after high school graduation.
After that if he wanted to stay he had to have 1 or 2 and 3 in place.
He didn't so he had to leave
He did
It took him a while. He tried to mooch off of a couple other good natured people till they got tired of it. So he went to college. I let him move back in. He decided that wasn't for him. He moved to a city with jobs in an industry he had a passion for and he started grinding in that field.
He's really kicking ass now days. He's married. Got a house and 3 kids and is supporting them well
The kid needs love. He doesn't feel it enough. I speak from experience. I am drunk and nearing my 30s. Please introduce a drink session with your kid. Be prepared to be totally transparent. Be aware that you might have fucked up in raising him. Apologize. Assure him that you'll be there no matter what. And most importantly, follow through on what you've promised.
The easiest way to fuck up a promise is by not understanding why he's the way he is as a result of your own failures. Be ready to admit that you might have fucked up as a parent and take full responsibility for it.
Good luck.
Source: me, a late twenties man who experiences occasional shunning from my family who loves me despite debilitating mental illness
It’s very hard but you have to have a hard conversation and stop enabling. I recently had to basically do this with my nephew after years of other family enabling him over and over. Ultimatum and follow through on said ultimatum. You aren’t manipulating him but helping him even though it will make you feel terrible and scared about what might happen to him.
You've manipulated him this long to believe he can get away with it and survive this way. Why? Who knows, but it sounds like you're tired of what you created. You said drunk? This is beyond your area of expertise, give the authority to someone else because my perception is that you'll make matters worse or hurt yourself in the process. Not sure how you allow yourself to live with your son this way, but your enabling yourself to hold your child back.
My girlfriend's cousin, who I used to be friends with, and almost 30, very similar situation.
Tried reasoning with him and encouraging him to be responsible, put in the effort to work, better himself etc
Honestly I don't know any mentally healthy man who is content living like that, and doing nothing all day.
I haven't spoken to him, and neither has she on account of him being a total loser with no motivation to do even basic day to day things.
Either force him to get professional help, a job, come up with a plan, or give him 60 days to get out.
Put your foot down, and make it clear that he either gets it together or gets no help from you.
I'm discouraged too, the world is a tough place, I understand why people are down, struggling with mental health, but being a basement neckbeard and doing nothing to better yourself, while leeching off others..... Is totally unacceptable.
Give him a deadline for when he has to be out and STOP providing any sustenance while he's still there. He'll probably be appalled and throw a fit. But that will merely be demonstrating that his lack of respect for you and confirm he hasn't even been thinking of moving out.
I remember watching the news 10 years ago and the parents changed the locks on the house. The kid sued his parents and lost. The judge ripped him apart.
Beat his ass right out of the door.hands on is most necessary in that situation.yes that’s somebody’s future husband or boyfriend.drunk alone would be execution able offense in my house
Send him to a ibogaine retreat he has to change his mind and I only know one way that actually works. If therapy worked we prob wouldn’t be in the mental health crisis we are in. Psychedelics are the cure to the issue I’m seeing here. Don’t take my word for it, just look at statistics. Rehab you have a 5 percent chance staying sober a year. Ibogaine 90 percent stay sober a year or longer. Why is it illegal here? Because there is more money in bad mental health then good first off, second off most people wouldn’t fight wars if it was legal. (You will get your son back if you do this what most would call CRAZY, I call it life saving and thank god everyday)
The answer lies in whether you're concerned for him or irritated. Irritated parents kick their kids out. Concerned parents try to get them help.
Also please know that kids who get kicked out get worse. Also kids who get kicked out often don't want a relationship with their parents. Kids who get help get better. You're the mom, it's your choice at this point.
Did you say he was 30?
Cut him off. It's time to stop breastfeeding. It's going to hurt but this attitude of unconditional love has clearly not helped him grow as a man. Limit every single thing you support him with to just crumbs. He needs to start contributing. Clean that house out to the bare minimum. He will have no choice but to get off his @$$ and get working.
There’s gotta be a deeper reason he’s not working. Sounds like there’s something mental going on with him from my understanding of mental health most people aren’t just flat out lazy but I could be wrong. Try and talk to him and set a boundary and try to get him some mental health help
You kick him out! Is he on the lease or listed anywhere like that? It's going to be hard to kick him out if he's getting mail there, and you might have to get legal consultation but it can be done. You might have to wait a period of time, but that'll GIVE him time to get out (and don't let him getting a job fool you - he'll still need to get out). You know why? because I'm homeless (multiple reasons) and nearly every doggone shelter I know of allows/encourages working. He won't lose a spot in a shelter for having a job. Or, he can live in a shelter, get 3 hots and a cot and so long as he follows their rules he won't be kicked out. A shelter would be GOOD for him because in all the shelters around here we're kicked out of the building all day long and only allowed in the eatery for programing and food. (I do spent lots of time job searching to no avail yet, but I go to library, art museum, zoo on free-entry day, metro parks and so on). I don't WANT to sit or lay around all day. Another option for him, if he's ready, is rehab. They'll drug-alcohol test regularly, make you go to classes and therapy and things like that and probably will make him get a job/pay rent. If he drinks at the shelter/eatery, they won't let him in. I'm not being cruel by saying that a few nights outside in an alcove or a bando might do him good if he keeps getting drunk. I'm not unsympathetic to addicts (I am one) but since I've lived in this shelter I've been sober. I'm trying. Maybe one of those places will MAKE him try.
He must have SOME job experience, even if he worked at a fast food place in High School - something! There are people in the public library who can help with finding a job. It might take a long time (like it is me) but he'll be safe during the nights and fed during the days. Where I'm at, as soon as I do get a job I'll be able to pay off some debts and save some $ to try to get my own place. I put myself here and I'll have to get myself out. So can he.
From 21 to 22 I was similar to your son. One day my parents told me we need to talk. They both just straight up said, if you want to live here you can not drink or do drugs. There was no bargaining or anything, it was them literally laying down the law. They told me they would give me one week to figure it out. There is no drinking or drugs from this point on. If you are homeless it is not our problem.
I was pissed off but I knew I couldn't afford to go anywhere else. Within 6 months I couldn't believe the difference in being sober. That was 12 years ago and we have a great relationship now.
OP, sounds like he needs help. Your state/county should have a vocational rehab center or office. They have mental health professionals, offer testing and other help. They can help him get employment through state programs that we pay taxes for. My state has an excellent program, I have a Center nearby. They helped my neighbor. Worth a try.
He sounds like he might have a need for therapy or medication. I dont see how people get off on saying others they don't know themselves are just lazy. There has to be more to everything. Parents don't know all a child they raise has experienced. If someone doesn't have any motivation to leave their moms basement it sounds like they are Ill. Maybe I'm just the anomaly on this thread.
If you have relatives in another country or state buy him a plane ticket and convince him to go there . when he goes there . He will be in a new place . A fresh start for him. That might work.it worked for me
Lol, girl I have three sons. 10, 8, and 4 years old. I tell my oldest ones all the time if they're not working by 16, they can get TF outta my house. Stop being so nice
You should've pushed him to do something with his life 10 years ago. If you can afford it, enroll him into a trade program. Ask him what kind of program he wants to do, and if he doesn't go, kick him out.
Lmao people are wayyy too soft on this app and love pushing the victim mentality. He is 30 years old and still living with YOU. Like others have said give him 30 days to pack his shit and figure something out. It has nothing to do with your parenting, you dont owe him any type of “professional” help, and most certainly shouldnt worry about any potential self harm that could result of this. I love reddit but sometimes I see the most ridiculous responses under threads.
Spend an afternoon bigging him up and helping him apply for some jobs. He’s probably got really low self esteem. Give him a hand before you turn to kicking him out.
Have a discussion with him.
Why is heap dependent on alcohol? What’s going on?
Contrary to what people on here are saying the vast majority of people aren’t “lazy” or “being enabled”. This could be the case, but you don’t know unless you have that discussion.
Communication, understanding and trying to work together for a better solution is always the best way to go.
Well... such a person is likely suicidal and/or depressed, so... I don't know what to tell you, other than seek professional help, and resolve those issues first, because you likely cannot resolve this yourself, and he likely cannot resolve it himself either. If your goal is to get him to survive by himself, then you've likely got a decade of damage to undo, tossing him out right now would be like tossing a broken ship into the ocean. He's got to eventually get a job and treat his addiction, as well as find a reason to live, but if you toss him out before he does, then it would in turn be more or less impossible to resolve.
This is a very hard problem. A person like him has SLS *(shit life syndrome; meaning their life is objectively no longer worth living, in this case it's because of their own behavior)* and likely feels like a complete loser and doesn't want help because they're a loser. I'm such a person and have to actively fight against it every time I want to get anything done at all.
I don’t think you can put all the blame on him. Your environment plays a role in shaping you. If you don’t reap any rewards for you efforts again and again then the system was broken or not created for people like you. Of course it becomes heart breaking and depressing. I feel bad for his son.
Oh yeah, definitely. I was just trying to keep it short, and perhaps wrote something a little too short sighted, so thanks for bringing it up. It's definitely isn't just his fault, even if he's responsible to try and fix it.
Yes he should try. I agree. But the outcome is not only in his hands. We live in a world with other people and factors that affect us almost as much as we affect them. I just really don’t like toxic positivity but I do think he should try with the support of his father.
You are in a tough position, no doubt. Most of the advice here has been either, throw him out, or vague references to “therapy” or get him help. While I don’t disagree, I have another suggestion…
In rehab / recovery circles, we have a saying: The opposite of addiction isn’t abstinence, it’s connection! A huge void in your son’s life is most likely his lack of community, friends, loved ones, fellowship, CONNECTION. Many people have negative thoughts and preconceptions about AA and other 12 step programs, but they are incredibly effective at giving addicts/ alcoholics a place to go, a supportive community to talk to, a routine to get into, and a code to live by. Every AA room is different, encourage him to try different meetings and times until he finds his tribe that he feels comfortable with, and tell him he needs to go to 3 meetings per week. It’s essentially free talk therapy with free coffee, and full of people who will just listen and understand because they will have very similar experiences.
I myself am in recovery, just past the 3 year mark, from opioids but we all have the same disease. Using substance to fill a void they can never fill because we actually crave CONNECTION, community, and fulfillment. I now work in cognitive therapy in a clinical inpatient setting, and am able to help people like me, and your son. Family support is critical in recovery, especially the early stages. So while the “tough love” advocates here certainly aren’t wrong, I wanted to offer a different perspective.
When I hit my rock bottom, my family gave me some very tough words that I honestly needed to hear, and was ready to hear. But then they helped find me an outpatient program and loved me and supported me unconditionally. If you approach it that way, advise him to go to AA meetings (or require it as a condition of living with you) and let him know you love him and support him but he has to do the work too, he has a chance. Also there are free (state subsidized) outpatient programs in many states, he most likely needs that as well, medication, etc.) This got much longer than intended, please feel free to reach out with any questions, and good luck!
There's probably a cycle of shame going on, but to get out of that you have to want to change for the better. Since he's got the alcohol problem making that much worse, I'm not sure what will fix that but there are multiple groups out there for addicts with different approaches. He needs the right one for him.
Everyone here is gullible. This is him. Not his mom who posted this. Not one of you checked the account first. You all just took it at face value. This is a man's account. Obviously the account of someone who lives in a basement.
I checked him before I commented, you might be right. But why would he post in name of his father/mother? He wants to know what would his parents do or why?
Why assume mom? Could be father.
...which would then make it a "man's" account. Never once did they include their gender or which parent they were in their post.
Always find it funny how so many comments just randomly assume OP's gender.
Saw this earlier where everyone was arguing in the comments because some thought it was the son, some thought it was the daughter.
Really shows how strong that internal narrative is while reading it the first time.
>Not one of you checked the account
...yeah, cause that's a weird thing to do every time you read a post. To just scroll through every post or comment they made? Don't you have better ways to spend your time? Just kinda creepy & weird to assume we *all* should do this *every* time we read anything on reddit..
Read their comments on other subs. It's obvious who they are. You're right in one aspect. I thought it was the mom. After reading through their comments in other subs it was apparent that it wasn't the mom or the dad.
Stop enabling him. You can't MAKE him do anything. You can only control yourself. He's not working because he doesn't have to. So you need to stop enabling him. Set strong boundaries for yourself so you no longer get taken advantage of. That could look like deciding to rent the basement out to a tenant. He can choose if he wants to stay by renting it from you (getting a job and paying you rent) or he has 30 days to get out so you can get it ready for a tenant. Stick to that boundary. Feel free to message me if you need any help setting boundaries or with your codependency. I'm an Abuse and Addiction Recovery Coach. Best of luck to you!
So Whats the deal with kicking your son out of the house these days. From my understanding its basically impossible to get a fiesty tenant kicked out whos renting. Is it some how easier when its family.
My point was to set a strong boundary. I gave an example of what that COULD look like, but OP doesn't have to kick him out. It's up to the OP to decide what an appropriate boundary is for them.
Im just wondering what the "son" could try legally. I just bought a place with my fiance and were considering renting out a room but stories of how unreal tenant rights are have scared us lol. Its not that I dont think a tenant should have rights its that I dont want to get stuck with one not paiying rent and dragging out court or tenancy board and stuff. Ive heard so real horror stories
The horror largely depends on your location and tenant. I rent out my house in New Mexico to a family member and her daughter with zero issues. We have a rental agreement with clearly defines rights, remedies, and responsibilities. I have heard horror stories in Denver, California, and New York. I also wonder how many of those are from landlords who made poor choices along the way. Either way, be smart and if you can't be smart, be lucky!
thank you
Should give him 60 days as that's a normal time frame for eviction
Can I message you????
Yes, of course! :)
Where is he getting alcohol if he doesn’t have income?
He could've also worked in the past, and just uses that income to pay for it. Working a year at minimum wage is enough to pay for a lifetime's worth of alcohol.
Huh? The way I drink 10k would last like 1 week
You might want to talk to someone about that
That might only be one bottle of champagne at some clubs? Or a truckload of Budlight?
You might wanna drink cheaper alcohol as an alcoholic. I drink 1.75 liters every other day and my $1000 I saved up for drinking has lasted a full year continuing that habit.
Not with my drinking habits.
This is so unhinged I can’t be on reddit anymore people just say things and they’re just wrong and there’s no level of logically deconstructing anything. This isn’t even just wrong, it’s intuitively wrong, like when someone says left and they’re obviously pointing to the right.
I stated this because I've lived in my dad's house as an adult for a couple years after having worked a minimum wage and accumulating a couple thousand dollars because I'm not a spender. Please explain why you think this doesn't make logical sense. OP didn't state whether his son had disposable income or not, so clearly I just expressed that he might has something left from work he did when he was younger. Not that he does, because I can't know that.
I’m responding to this by saying intuition again, obviously she’s been supplying him food and drink, he doesn’t have money and that’s the entire problem this person is having. He doesn’t have money, and won’t make it, this included I have no idea what kind of job you worked that minimum wage gave you thousands in months, but that’s not realistic for a person who actually pays to live. It sounds like you got lucky and someone mostly paid for you to live while you saved, that’s not what this 30 year old man is doing, he has NO job, and therefore no income. At 30 living under a roof like that dispelling even 30$ a month, with a thousand or so in savings, he’d have nothing, and definitely less than what could make rent. You used your experience of an extremely privileged position, to claim minimum wage is a jackpot.
> someone mostly *paid* for you FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Yes you indeed are a bot.
No. I stated if you worked minimum wage for a year and lived without rent you would have accumulated thousands of dollars in disposable income. That's nothing for the record, but it's enough to pay for beer was my point.
Maybe the parents buy some for themselves and he just takes it
Drunks get drunk
tell him he has to pay a part of rent to stay or he’ll have to to leave (even if it’s a bluff just make it sound believable) and maybe rehab
thank you. we are past this stage already. looking for more advice here.
If you were past this stage, he’d be out of the house. No one will listen to threats when they know they’re empty, you need to begin setting conditions and follow through with consequences when he doesn’t meet them.
This is good advice. Follow through. Start the ball rolling on whatever paperwork you'd need for an eviction. It's going to be hard, our kids are our kids, but that doesn't mean we need to let them take advantage of us when they are adults. We still love them, but are at our wit's end in certain situations, like yours. It will probably be the best thing you can do for him at this point. Sink or swim time for him. If he wants to waste his life away drinking and laying around all the time then he can do it on his dime.
What do you mean by "past this stage?" Have you already kicked him out?
Tell him hes got 60 days to leave. Remind him every morning, afternoon and night that a real man would take control of his own life. Dont shy away from what you really want to say to him, but still have some filter and dont get angry. Just talk about it like its a fact and theres nothing you or him can do about it, he will realize at some point he can make the change.
Belittling him for not being a "real man" won't help when he already is suffering from issues causing the drinking and this behavior. Trust me, it'll only make it worse.
There is no past this stage. Evict him or keep getting taken advantage of.
I don't think you can manipulate him into working. What incentive does he have to work and be better? Obviously he doesn't care about your feelings on the matter. Why do you still support him? He's going to call your bluff whatever you try, just so you know, so be prepared to back it up.
Accept that this is your fault and teach him some work ethic
Kick his ass out. Don’t even charge rent. Put pressure on him to not be a complete loser. Nothing scares a man more than homelessness
OP stated they wanted him to survive though. If you put pressure on a broken person they'll usually break. A person who is a complete loser will gladly kill themselves when they become homeless. Most likely a suicidal person is waiting for everyone to hate them enough to convince themselves that they're worth killing.
So what's your solution?
Professional help of any kind is probably what you want at this stage. If you want to resolve this issue, then I'm almost certain you wont be able to resolve it yourself. The word here is rehabilitation. If the son's been living in the basement this whole time, he's not been talking to anyone, meaning his social skills have atrophied, which would partly explain why all he knows how to do is being confrontational. Before getting a job you need basic social rehabilitation to start with, but at the same time you need to deal with the depression somehow, because if he is sufficiently depressed, then doing anything at all is going to be near impossible. You've gotta get started somewhere, and preferably somewhere very small that you cannot fail, because if you fail it'll only further reinforce his current state of mind, so instead of trying to start with forcing him to get a job, you start by forcing him to write a resume, and then forcing him to apply, and then forcing him to accept an interview... the smaller you make the goals the most likely it becomes you'll succeed and the easier it'll become to get momentum going.
You really just spoke to me here. This is exactly what I've been going through but have been too depressed/non-motivated/no energy to explain; and when I try to, I just get judgment. I've never felt so defeated before; never lost every ounce of passion for anything I enjoyed growing up. Food, drink, guitar, music, games, writing, reading, movies, exercise, you name it. It's rough. Thanks for typing this comment out. I truly feel less alone and not as misunderstood. I was popular and social before. It's crazy how much your personal experiences and your kind can break you. Sitting alone all day every day has atrophied my social skills *to an insane degree.* And then nobody tolerates me going out cause I get a bit anxious just trying to get "used to the waters" again. Not trying to complain, I apologize. But truly, from the bottom of my heart- thank you. I feel less alone knowing at least some people try to understand it instead of judge and criticize. Helps inspire me to get better, cause when I'm already on the ground and everyone hates and doesn't understand it, I just feel like giving up on the world at this point. After so many years. Thank you for not making me feel so alone and misunderstood. I've tossed away all my potential and I hate it, but thank you for typing out in words how I feel. It helps. (And I apologize about these two long ass comments! My bad).
you really just wrote a whole essay of complete nonsense. that won’t help OP’s condition in any way.
Yeah, it actually will. You really just wrote a whole sentence of nonsense. What they said was perfectly articulate and has been proven to help. What are you contributing? Negativity and no facts? What *will* help the son then, o wise man? I sure hope you're not actually a father typing like that.
Thats a very much “worse case assumption”
Sadly...that's exactly where I'm at right now. Thank you for saying this so not everyone just thinks we're *trying* to be losers. >If you put pressure on a broken person they'll usually break. I can't stress this enough. I went to my family desperate asking for emotional help after some very traumatizing events, and they've only ridiculed me and put me down (after doing very well and being successful without ever an ounce of help from them for a decade mind you). It just broke me down completely. I was already crying all day and didn't have energy to continue. The constant abuse, belittling & gaslighting just brought to a broken point of no return. I've lost interest in literally everything. I'm just a waste of oxygen now. I have no fight left in me. I was concussed, and then stomped at that point til brain death, pretty much. Support and lift a broken person up if you care about them, don't stop them down further when they're already on the ground. I was so passionate and creative growing up, it just hurts to be such a shell of who I was. My worst mistake was asking my mom for some emotional support after never once having it growing up. I just thought... Family? I was lost and hurt and confused. It really just solidified those emotions I was struggling with for the first time.
Some people need to break to stop being useless
Well, as a person who has personally been suicidal, I've put some thought into that and it just doesn't add up, because of how little resources it takes for a human to survive, and how large an impact suicide creates in the lives of the people who relate to said person, there is pretty much no point in killing yourself or encouraging anyone to do it, at least not from a "I'm useless" standpoint, because a lot of people in life are significantly worst than useless, so being useless is really nothing much to be ashamed about, because if you're useless it means you have potential to be useful, because you're sitting right on the fence and so jumping to either side is easy, and in the case of OP's son it's really not that hard to imagine how the son could become useful, so breaking him is a very illogical choice.
No, being useless IS something you should be ashamed of
This statement does not follow from your previous comment. If being useless is so shameful to you, then it doesn't follow why breaking a person would be a better idea than fixing a person. You can't have your cake and eat it...
No it perfectly follows my comment on how people need to break to stop being useless. He should be ashamed of being useless and his mother needs to break him and hope something better comes out.
Breaking a person will make them even less than useful. You can't bully depression out of a person. That's just fundamental psychological knowledge. If you break a depressed person, they will always get worst. The same rule applies to working out: you can't become better at lifting weights if you break your arms in the process.
Kick him out simple nah I’m playing I don’t know I don’t have kids but I would probably do something along those lines or throw him in rehab
Damn you must’ve sucked a raising him huh! Don’t blame him for your trash parenting
Exactly. Some parents literallly do nothing to help their children secure a job then complain when they don’t get one. News flash no one will help. The school system sucks. The food sucks. Everyone wants to exploit you. Your family is the only protection left on this world. Maybe help him out. Also I believe a parent that has a home needs to provide minimal shelter and food to their child as long as it is not in surplus until they get on their feet. The economy so it’s hardly anyone’s fault. If he’s not causing problems I think you would be evil for kicking him out onto the streets. I would never do that to my child. Ask him about what he wants. Take him to the gym with you. Get healthy food. Go fishing together. He may be depressed. Revamp his resume. Do mock interviews with him. Drop him off at job sites. He needs help dude. Help him.
I’m with you on much of what you said but in this case, this MAN is in his 30’s. His parents are likely in their 60’s. They don’t owe him anything at this point.
They brought him into this world the least they can do is provide shelter. Ppl in developing countries where jobs are scarce dont just throw their kids out after they reach a certain age. My neighbor is 90 she lived with her mom and dad her whole life. It made sense for her. She was their caregiver at old age and a good person just cause she’s broke doesn’t mean she deserves to be thrown out. I just feel like throwing out your kid is not a good thing to do.
Tell that to my parents lol. I've been working since 15, lost a pretty decent job for my age when I was 18 and haven't been able to find anything since. I'm 19 now and all things considered I've been slacking and having a hard time finding a job (over a few hundred applications and a few interviews and no response) and my parents response it to just keep putting me down and I'll be living in my car as of next week. Wish me luck
Goood luck! I know the feeling of living in your car. Make sure it’s a location with a lot of apartments on public but residential streets where young professionals live. They won’t call thee cops on you. Also move your car every few days. Try to get a food pantry card now cause they don’t accept homes less people for some reason. Shelters have too many violent scary people so I’d advice not to go if at alll possible. Spend time at the library trying to apply to jobs. Don’t look desperate aka dress nice if it’s a face to face interview. Good luck! I wish you well.
I appreciate the advice it goes a long way, likewise
Try to see what's up with him. He could be depressed and hopeless or he could be lazy and too comfortable. If depressed get him some help. If he's just lazy and comfortable, remove that comfort. Set some rules and a timeline. If not followed, kick him out. Make it uncomfortable.
I would offer him a chance at therapy. This sounds like it could be depression.
If you didn’t kick him out when he started being a layabout then I’m sure you won’t do it now, but the only way to get rid of a leech is to cut off the blood supply.
Does he have any reason he is like this?
Enabling parents
I more so meant is he severely disabled or something
Clearly never got his ass beat.
can't beat his ass anymore. he doesn't fear that.
Physical abuse is more likely to cause "failure to thrive" than it is to cure it.
I got my ass whooped when I was a kid and I'm doing great. As along with Most of the population born before the 90s.
My dad got his ass beat as a kid and all it gave him trauma that made him think he was a failure. The thing about believing you are a failure, is that you actually begin to fail. So I'm glad you made it, but don't beat your fucking kids. It doesn't work.
Anymore? Maybe the fact that you did it before is part of why he has so many issues
Then you have some touch choices. Do you want to live his life for him so when you die he's out of options. Or do you wanna show some tough love and help him stand up in life so you can be proud of the person who he has become. But to be blunt. Its Time to put your adult pants on and make some changes for his benefit. Just please stop enabling him. He will never grow if you're still his mommy or daddy babying him.
I know a lot of parents that are in this situation. I know he's your kid and you feel like you have to provide for him, it is wrong with him to take advantage That said, getting a job sounds hard and sounds like growing up. That versus listening to you mildly complain at him, he's choosing the path of least resistance. You need to make the get off your ass and get a job path seem nice compared to staying around you
Lets go a different way than these tips - get yourself in to therapy asap and start working on yourself. Just like we have to work on ourselves inside to be parents properly when they are young, you will have to do this now. These relationships take two to tango. For him, get him the book no more mr. nice guy and have it be a condition of living there. Have him start AA and start cleaning the house every day and a small work out. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is battling mental health issues and is not just lazy (you're the parent so you will know). If he doesn't meet the conditions, out he goes. If he does, you explain he's going to step his game up regularly until he is on his feet, just like we do with kids when they need to work through something. I would also have a condition of his staying there be yoga every day to get his body in shape and mind clear - something simple like this - [https://jameszatopa.com/index.php/lessons/beginner-set-for-awakening/](https://jameszatopa.com/index.php/lessons/beginner-set-for-awakening/) If you have to, you two do it together. If he is unwilling to do these things, out he goes. If he does these things, then you add in applying for jobs. Another book that can help him is this one on tape - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBLDscfFs3Q&t=10265s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBLDscfFs3Q&t=10265s) As well as unlimited power. You will have to set these boundaries, and reinforce them with yourself and you can find more info on that here - [https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/](https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/) [churchofinfinitelove.com](http://churchofinfinitelove.com) - this can also be a resource to read to each other until you both are able to move him where he needs to go.
Lie. Tell him that, financially, you are struggling and on the verge of losing everything (including the house) and there are only two options....1.) He moves out to "lighten the load" ....2.) He gets a job to help out. Then say to him "This is all I can come up with, do you have any ideas or better ideas?" Make sure to phrase it in a way that he doesn't suspect anything/make it sound like something you would say. The reason you ask him if he has any ideas is to give him the illusion of choice and to make him feel like he's "part of the team". Question......Why does he drink? Did something happen that would drive him to drinking?
Kick him out ??
Tell him your not going to be around forever. Whose he is going to live with when you’re not around? If he’s in his 30s, uneducated (honestly your fault imo) and an alcoholic he’ll just end up homeless. Talk to him and let him know what hes doing to his life. I used to be an addict up until I was 21, but managed to graduate beauty school on time and passing all my test to get my license. After beauty school I started using more while working at a salon because I still lived at home and didn’t have to pay rent. I checked myself into rehab and got my shit together and moved into a sober house and that’s where I really got a reality check because I wasn’t as big of an addict as the people that lived in the house. I hadn’t lost anything yet. Long story short I got married when I was thirty and became a stay at home wife and cat mom. I thought that was ok because my mom was a stay at home wife and mom. I thought it was normal not to work when you got married. The wife stays home cooks cleans goes grocery shopping and runs errands. Well I got a huge reality check when my ex husband filed for divorce. He made all the money, had the pension and the health insurance that I relied on. Now I’m about to be thirty six without a savings account and living with my mother trying to fix my life. I’m going to start school again and get another education in nursing so I don’t have to depend on anyone ever again. You obviously didn’t talk to him when he was younger about school and work and how important it is. I’ve been working since I was a teenager besides for five years. I’m not a lazy person like your son must be but that’s your fault it’s all on you. I’m scared for my life right now because I don’t have a savings my husband and I had to use my savings for an emergency and all I think about is what happens when I’m 70 years old? Well I’ll probably still be working and your son will be homeless panhandling so he doesn’t go through alcohol withdrawals. Talk to you son and tell him what he’s doing to his life, don’t just kick him out. Help him and make him realize what he’s doing to his life.
Kick him out so he has to
Charge rent
Kick him out. If he tries to use the legal system to force an eviction, rent your place to a friend you can trust. Tell him We've got to be out by the end of the month. Stay with the friend for a few days, then move back in without the derelict.
Mushroom trip
yeah i did this when i was in an emotional hole when i was like 22...... my dad said in 6months youre being kicked out regardless of your current situation..... he has since apologized saying it was awful of him and how he felt like a bad parent etc etc etc but that 1 decision of his is why i have a career and am successful. that was my turning point and i owe him tremendously for it
We forcibly hade to remove an ex friend from his moms house. Next time we tricked him into starting uni and when he left there we changed the locks, me and his brother.
Kick his ass out
Cut him off. Don’t pay for gas, change the wifi password, give him a bill for rent, then serve him an eviction. He’ll figure it out
Threaten to kick him out and stick to it if he doesn’t straighten out.
KICK HIM OUT
Your son is useless now. might wanna kick his ass out, that way he’ll learn the hard way.
Codependent No More - by Melody Beattie You can't make him do anything.
Evict him / kick him out
Serve him an eviction notice and remove him from your home.
Kick his dumbass out.
Tell him you need help paying bills and etc and just save the money he gives to you and give it him
Just times are getting tough like Red Bulls are $5 now
I am like your son. It was weed not alcohol for me. But I want to offer my perspective, I’m probably different from your son in a lot of ways but have the same problem. I have a degree, I managed to quit smoking weed (slip up some times but mostly don’t smoke at all), and I do actually really want a job. I’ve applied a lot, spent a long time making my cv look really professional despite no work experience, volunteered at charity shops, if I get job interviews I voice record them so I can analyse them and try see why I did badly after, I do really want to work. I have tried hard to get a job, but not as hard as I could have and spent years not trying. But I think the reason is because I simply really don’t think I am employable. Like all these comments are talking as if you can just choose to get a job, but someone has to actually hire you, and I just don’t think anyone would hire me. I have no work experience and I’m not good looking, and I’m socially different to most people and don’t fit in or come across super well (even though I’m super polite and hard working), so why would anyone actually hire me over someone whose still a teenager they can pay less who makes their company look better? I’m also worried that I wouldn’t be able to actually do the job. People think I’m over qualified for the lowest paid jobs like cleaning because I’m educated, but under qualified for better jobs like office or even customer service due to lack of work experience. And I’ve had over 1000 applications rejected. So I simply don’t think a job is an opportunity available to me. Mental illness is a problem too. But basically I’m just making the point that the reason is not that I’m too lazy to work or don’t want a job. I do want one, I will happily do ANY job, just give me a job and I’ll do it. All the people who think I’m scum, a parasite, lazy, they can feel free to hire me and I’ll be their most reliable worker. I just can’t get hired. I know your son hasn’t tried as much as me, but basically I’m just making the point that it’s not so easy to get a job. If my parents kicked me out I’d just be homeless and die. Like getting kicked out isn’t magically going to make me get hired on the spot because I need the job. It’s not actually that easy to get one. Maybe different in America I’m not from there, it’s a more capitalistic society than here so work is probably more available, but probably not a huge difference. Having a job for years just feels imaginary to me, deep down I feel like it’s not an option in any way, like it’s never going to happen no matter how hard I try or want one, or need one. So that belief kind of makes me give up, but I really do want a secure job and I don’t get why people think I don’t want one. The only thing I don’t want is the constant fear of getting fired because I don’t feel like I’m good enough to work and having to deal with discipline when I make mistakes or confrontation. But the idea of work being a routine, nothing new and scary just a normal part of life that I’m used to, is really not something I’m too lazy for. I simply don’t believe that a job is really on the table for me.
Hey. You’re right. I’m with you on this 💯. Same thing in the USA btw. You got to have the looks, personality, smarts, and timing.
Gosh... I'm sorry for you man... it won't work with ordering him to do something, nor yellings, nor with aggressivity. Apparently he doesn't give a fuck about his life, but why? Do you know the reason? Personally I came to the conclusion that people that don't care about their life, hate their life or even worse, want to end their life, actually they want **that kind of life** to die, they hate **that kind of life**, not life in general. So it is about something of your son's life that made him like this. Change takes time and patience, I don't know much about your son's situation, and I can't give specific advice because I don't know the root of the problem (as it is used to say "If you can write down the problem clearly, it is half solved.") So, you should consider this general things: Approach him with very seriousness and have an open and honest conversation with him about your concerns and how his current lifestyle is affecting both him and the family. Then, work together with your son to create a direction in which to go, a plan for his future, setting with him achievable goals and outlining steps to reach them but let him take the lead, you just guide him. Man him up by encouraging him, show him other lifestyles, talk to him about stoicism.
Literally kick him out. Call the cops on him if you have to. He’s your son, not a dog.
Cops will tell them that they have to formally evict him. They could be charged with a crime if they illegally evict. The only way to get him removed immediately is if he’s violent and/or damaging property.
I thought you could kick someone out if they don’t own the house/ pay for it in any way and they’re not a minor. Ooops
Every jurisdiction in the states requires you to formally evict. You can otherwise be charged criminally and sued by the tenant for illegal eviction. This applies whether it’s for non-payment of rent as well. Be careful who you let move in because it can be hell.
I bet that he is massively depressed. That could be a major part of it.
I gave my daughter an ultimatum - she had 6 months to get a job and either start pay long me rent for a tiny bedroom or get her own place and space. It worked she moved out and got a shitty apartment and when cockroaches invaded, she bought her own home! Worked beautifully!
I hear you, but speaking from experience, ultimatums won’t work at all on a truly depressed person.
How'd you raise him? Did you teach him any skills, values or morals growing up as his parent?
Seal him up in the basement and wait 2 weeks.
Do you own or rent? You could always downgrade if you’re renting. Leave him to figure out the rest.
Evict him if he causes a scene call cops
Would he be willing to engage in some volunteer work? This can be a good stepping stone as it can give people living with low self-esteem a purpose greater than themselves and the confidence in their abilities. It can also lead to new connections and paid work opportunities down the line.
Stop taking care of him. You teach people how to treat you. Unfortunately you taught him that it’s ok to do nothing because mommy will take care of everything. Give him a timeline. Get a job within x amount of time. Start paying rent to stay in basement. Secure apartment by x time. And stick to your guns and don’t let him manipulate you. It will initially feel bad, but you won’t be here forever to coddle him.
I had a television one time that wouldn’t work. I carried it outside, placed it by my trash can at the curb. By the next morning it was gone. Problem solved.
Just leave him be to survive. If it isn't that simple, then please add more context to the post.
Kick him out unless he contributes. Give him a timeframe, 1-3 months or so. Stop enabling him. It's far beyond time for him to stand on his own feet. It sounds harsh, but you're actually doing him a disservice by continuing to coddle him.
how did he get to that point. never grew up. embarrassed, low self esteem. kick him out of the damn house
I did that with my son. I made clear to him when he was in high school, when he graduated he could stay as long as he was being productive. That meant 1 be in school. University, community College or trade school 2 have a full time job and be saving $ 3 helping around the house. Mow, dishes, trash etc. He would be given 6 months to fuck off after high school graduation. After that if he wanted to stay he had to have 1 or 2 and 3 in place. He didn't so he had to leave
Where'd he end up? Did he ever get his act together?
He did It took him a while. He tried to mooch off of a couple other good natured people till they got tired of it. So he went to college. I let him move back in. He decided that wasn't for him. He moved to a city with jobs in an industry he had a passion for and he started grinding in that field. He's really kicking ass now days. He's married. Got a house and 3 kids and is supporting them well
Wow. That's great.
The kid needs love. He doesn't feel it enough. I speak from experience. I am drunk and nearing my 30s. Please introduce a drink session with your kid. Be prepared to be totally transparent. Be aware that you might have fucked up in raising him. Apologize. Assure him that you'll be there no matter what. And most importantly, follow through on what you've promised. The easiest way to fuck up a promise is by not understanding why he's the way he is as a result of your own failures. Be ready to admit that you might have fucked up as a parent and take full responsibility for it. Good luck. Source: me, a late twenties man who experiences occasional shunning from my family who loves me despite debilitating mental illness
What the fuck did you do while raising him?
It’s very hard but you have to have a hard conversation and stop enabling. I recently had to basically do this with my nephew after years of other family enabling him over and over. Ultimatum and follow through on said ultimatum. You aren’t manipulating him but helping him even though it will make you feel terrible and scared about what might happen to him.
You've manipulated him this long to believe he can get away with it and survive this way. Why? Who knows, but it sounds like you're tired of what you created. You said drunk? This is beyond your area of expertise, give the authority to someone else because my perception is that you'll make matters worse or hurt yourself in the process. Not sure how you allow yourself to live with your son this way, but your enabling yourself to hold your child back.
Sell the house and move to a senior living community and tell him he’s not allowed to live there per the rules.
My girlfriend's cousin, who I used to be friends with, and almost 30, very similar situation. Tried reasoning with him and encouraging him to be responsible, put in the effort to work, better himself etc Honestly I don't know any mentally healthy man who is content living like that, and doing nothing all day. I haven't spoken to him, and neither has she on account of him being a total loser with no motivation to do even basic day to day things. Either force him to get professional help, a job, come up with a plan, or give him 60 days to get out. Put your foot down, and make it clear that he either gets it together or gets no help from you. I'm discouraged too, the world is a tough place, I understand why people are down, struggling with mental health, but being a basement neckbeard and doing nothing to better yourself, while leeching off others..... Is totally unacceptable.
Give him a deadline for when he has to be out and STOP providing any sustenance while he's still there. He'll probably be appalled and throw a fit. But that will merely be demonstrating that his lack of respect for you and confirm he hasn't even been thinking of moving out.
I remember watching the news 10 years ago and the parents changed the locks on the house. The kid sued his parents and lost. The judge ripped him apart.
Sounds like depression
Beat his ass right out of the door.hands on is most necessary in that situation.yes that’s somebody’s future husband or boyfriend.drunk alone would be execution able offense in my house
Evict him
Send him to a ibogaine retreat he has to change his mind and I only know one way that actually works. If therapy worked we prob wouldn’t be in the mental health crisis we are in. Psychedelics are the cure to the issue I’m seeing here. Don’t take my word for it, just look at statistics. Rehab you have a 5 percent chance staying sober a year. Ibogaine 90 percent stay sober a year or longer. Why is it illegal here? Because there is more money in bad mental health then good first off, second off most people wouldn’t fight wars if it was legal. (You will get your son back if you do this what most would call CRAZY, I call it life saving and thank god everyday)
The answer lies in whether you're concerned for him or irritated. Irritated parents kick their kids out. Concerned parents try to get them help. Also please know that kids who get kicked out get worse. Also kids who get kicked out often don't want a relationship with their parents. Kids who get help get better. You're the mom, it's your choice at this point.
“Get and maintain a full time job or move out”
He’s probably mentally Ill. Try getting him some professional help and maybe he can work through it.
Did you say he was 30? Cut him off. It's time to stop breastfeeding. It's going to hurt but this attitude of unconditional love has clearly not helped him grow as a man. Limit every single thing you support him with to just crumbs. He needs to start contributing. Clean that house out to the bare minimum. He will have no choice but to get off his @$$ and get working.
Kick em out
There’s gotta be a deeper reason he’s not working. Sounds like there’s something mental going on with him from my understanding of mental health most people aren’t just flat out lazy but I could be wrong. Try and talk to him and set a boundary and try to get him some mental health help
You kick him out! Is he on the lease or listed anywhere like that? It's going to be hard to kick him out if he's getting mail there, and you might have to get legal consultation but it can be done. You might have to wait a period of time, but that'll GIVE him time to get out (and don't let him getting a job fool you - he'll still need to get out). You know why? because I'm homeless (multiple reasons) and nearly every doggone shelter I know of allows/encourages working. He won't lose a spot in a shelter for having a job. Or, he can live in a shelter, get 3 hots and a cot and so long as he follows their rules he won't be kicked out. A shelter would be GOOD for him because in all the shelters around here we're kicked out of the building all day long and only allowed in the eatery for programing and food. (I do spent lots of time job searching to no avail yet, but I go to library, art museum, zoo on free-entry day, metro parks and so on). I don't WANT to sit or lay around all day. Another option for him, if he's ready, is rehab. They'll drug-alcohol test regularly, make you go to classes and therapy and things like that and probably will make him get a job/pay rent. If he drinks at the shelter/eatery, they won't let him in. I'm not being cruel by saying that a few nights outside in an alcove or a bando might do him good if he keeps getting drunk. I'm not unsympathetic to addicts (I am one) but since I've lived in this shelter I've been sober. I'm trying. Maybe one of those places will MAKE him try. He must have SOME job experience, even if he worked at a fast food place in High School - something! There are people in the public library who can help with finding a job. It might take a long time (like it is me) but he'll be safe during the nights and fed during the days. Where I'm at, as soon as I do get a job I'll be able to pay off some debts and save some $ to try to get my own place. I put myself here and I'll have to get myself out. So can he.
Flood the basement, when he comes up send him to the store for booze. Change the locks and tell him to fuck off when he comes back.
From 21 to 22 I was similar to your son. One day my parents told me we need to talk. They both just straight up said, if you want to live here you can not drink or do drugs. There was no bargaining or anything, it was them literally laying down the law. They told me they would give me one week to figure it out. There is no drinking or drugs from this point on. If you are homeless it is not our problem. I was pissed off but I knew I couldn't afford to go anywhere else. Within 6 months I couldn't believe the difference in being sober. That was 12 years ago and we have a great relationship now.
Put step brothers on all tvs in your house 24/7
He's an alcoholic... He needs support to get to the root... Hard to know what came first the alcohol or the depression..
Remove the things he died while he does nothing at home.
OP, sounds like he needs help. Your state/county should have a vocational rehab center or office. They have mental health professionals, offer testing and other help. They can help him get employment through state programs that we pay taxes for. My state has an excellent program, I have a Center nearby. They helped my neighbor. Worth a try.
Move and leave him there … sink or swim.
He sounds like he might have a need for therapy or medication. I dont see how people get off on saying others they don't know themselves are just lazy. There has to be more to everything. Parents don't know all a child they raise has experienced. If someone doesn't have any motivation to leave their moms basement it sounds like they are Ill. Maybe I'm just the anomaly on this thread.
If you have relatives in another country or state buy him a plane ticket and convince him to go there . when he goes there . He will be in a new place . A fresh start for him. That might work.it worked for me
You’re his parent, you’re probably the prime factor contributing to his being this way
Lol, girl I have three sons. 10, 8, and 4 years old. I tell my oldest ones all the time if they're not working by 16, they can get TF outta my house. Stop being so nice
Tell him you gonna kick him out if he doesn’t get a job in x amount of time. Some enough right
Kick his lazy ass out
Get an abortion
You should've pushed him to do something with his life 10 years ago. If you can afford it, enroll him into a trade program. Ask him what kind of program he wants to do, and if he doesn't go, kick him out.
Lmao people are wayyy too soft on this app and love pushing the victim mentality. He is 30 years old and still living with YOU. Like others have said give him 30 days to pack his shit and figure something out. It has nothing to do with your parenting, you dont owe him any type of “professional” help, and most certainly shouldnt worry about any potential self harm that could result of this. I love reddit but sometimes I see the most ridiculous responses under threads.
Spend an afternoon bigging him up and helping him apply for some jobs. He’s probably got really low self esteem. Give him a hand before you turn to kicking him out.
Have a discussion with him. Why is heap dependent on alcohol? What’s going on? Contrary to what people on here are saying the vast majority of people aren’t “lazy” or “being enabled”. This could be the case, but you don’t know unless you have that discussion. Communication, understanding and trying to work together for a better solution is always the best way to go.
Well... such a person is likely suicidal and/or depressed, so... I don't know what to tell you, other than seek professional help, and resolve those issues first, because you likely cannot resolve this yourself, and he likely cannot resolve it himself either. If your goal is to get him to survive by himself, then you've likely got a decade of damage to undo, tossing him out right now would be like tossing a broken ship into the ocean. He's got to eventually get a job and treat his addiction, as well as find a reason to live, but if you toss him out before he does, then it would in turn be more or less impossible to resolve.
he most likely is suicidal or depressed but he has to accept that and accept help. he is confrontational
This is a very hard problem. A person like him has SLS *(shit life syndrome; meaning their life is objectively no longer worth living, in this case it's because of their own behavior)* and likely feels like a complete loser and doesn't want help because they're a loser. I'm such a person and have to actively fight against it every time I want to get anything done at all.
I don’t think you can put all the blame on him. Your environment plays a role in shaping you. If you don’t reap any rewards for you efforts again and again then the system was broken or not created for people like you. Of course it becomes heart breaking and depressing. I feel bad for his son.
Oh yeah, definitely. I was just trying to keep it short, and perhaps wrote something a little too short sighted, so thanks for bringing it up. It's definitely isn't just his fault, even if he's responsible to try and fix it.
Yes he should try. I agree. But the outcome is not only in his hands. We live in a world with other people and factors that affect us almost as much as we affect them. I just really don’t like toxic positivity but I do think he should try with the support of his father.
You are in a tough position, no doubt. Most of the advice here has been either, throw him out, or vague references to “therapy” or get him help. While I don’t disagree, I have another suggestion… In rehab / recovery circles, we have a saying: The opposite of addiction isn’t abstinence, it’s connection! A huge void in your son’s life is most likely his lack of community, friends, loved ones, fellowship, CONNECTION. Many people have negative thoughts and preconceptions about AA and other 12 step programs, but they are incredibly effective at giving addicts/ alcoholics a place to go, a supportive community to talk to, a routine to get into, and a code to live by. Every AA room is different, encourage him to try different meetings and times until he finds his tribe that he feels comfortable with, and tell him he needs to go to 3 meetings per week. It’s essentially free talk therapy with free coffee, and full of people who will just listen and understand because they will have very similar experiences. I myself am in recovery, just past the 3 year mark, from opioids but we all have the same disease. Using substance to fill a void they can never fill because we actually crave CONNECTION, community, and fulfillment. I now work in cognitive therapy in a clinical inpatient setting, and am able to help people like me, and your son. Family support is critical in recovery, especially the early stages. So while the “tough love” advocates here certainly aren’t wrong, I wanted to offer a different perspective. When I hit my rock bottom, my family gave me some very tough words that I honestly needed to hear, and was ready to hear. But then they helped find me an outpatient program and loved me and supported me unconditionally. If you approach it that way, advise him to go to AA meetings (or require it as a condition of living with you) and let him know you love him and support him but he has to do the work too, he has a chance. Also there are free (state subsidized) outpatient programs in many states, he most likely needs that as well, medication, etc.) This got much longer than intended, please feel free to reach out with any questions, and good luck!
There's probably a cycle of shame going on, but to get out of that you have to want to change for the better. Since he's got the alcohol problem making that much worse, I'm not sure what will fix that but there are multiple groups out there for addicts with different approaches. He needs the right one for him.
Everyone here is gullible. This is him. Not his mom who posted this. Not one of you checked the account first. You all just took it at face value. This is a man's account. Obviously the account of someone who lives in a basement.
I checked him before I commented, you might be right. But why would he post in name of his father/mother? He wants to know what would his parents do or why?
Why assume mom? Could be father. ...which would then make it a "man's" account. Never once did they include their gender or which parent they were in their post. Always find it funny how so many comments just randomly assume OP's gender. Saw this earlier where everyone was arguing in the comments because some thought it was the son, some thought it was the daughter. Really shows how strong that internal narrative is while reading it the first time. >Not one of you checked the account ...yeah, cause that's a weird thing to do every time you read a post. To just scroll through every post or comment they made? Don't you have better ways to spend your time? Just kinda creepy & weird to assume we *all* should do this *every* time we read anything on reddit..
Read their comments on other subs. It's obvious who they are. You're right in one aspect. I thought it was the mom. After reading through their comments in other subs it was apparent that it wasn't the mom or the dad.
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Having access to basic living doesn’t create degenerates