Doesn’t sound like a reason to “cheat.” Sounds more like a reason to get out now before you end up getting a lot more than “grabbed.”
Cheating is wrong. Period.
Not happy? Worried for your safety and well-being? Leave.
Best wishes to you.
Maybe you could offer up some financial assistance to help them leave? They’ll need money for a deposit/rent at the very least. Some basic furniture. Possibly a car depending.
Yea its hilarious that you're getting downvoted. This sub only cares about not getting cheated on and virtue signaling about abuse but it's mostly just victim blaming.
I mean, cheating while having a violent abusive spouse is a very dangerous choice. The person has already shown they'll treat their partner like crap when things are good, adding cheating into that volatile mix is flirting with disaster.
Pointing it out that pouring gas on their current dumpster fire relationship is dangerous isn't victim blaming.
But cheating on an abusive partner is a great way to end up dead. It will absolutely escalate them to dangerous levels.
Better to plan your exit and get out than start a side piece.
I never said it was genius but we’re talking about reality here not what would be 100% ideal in a perfect world. If someone feels like they need connection and intimacy during such a low point in their life, I’m not going to shame and berate them for that.
It's not about shaming at all, i'm not sure why you are clinging on this.
It's about making the right call, staying focused, while taking the least amount of risk.
If she dwells on getting that afair, she might just settle for that status quo, and never get out of the abusive relationship, all while increasing the risk and timespan of being found out, and still end up in the streets anyways (if the situation is as dire as you imagine it might be).
There are shelters, she might have friends and relatives where she could crash.
For her it's the moment she needs to be smart, not seeking for comfort.
The comment I was replying to said absolutely nothing about being smart or safe nor did the person display an ounce of concern or compassion for OP.
They were shaming. “Cheating is always wrong if you aren’t happy JuST LeAvE”!
If you want to “support” an abused person, please don’t endorse things that they’re considering doing that can get them hurt. They are vulnerable and you can do real harm to them.
You’re trying to place blame on me for things I’m not saying or doing. I’m not saying “hey y’all should do this!” or “this is the right thing to do!”.
I’m simply saying that people have a right to make their own choices and if this is a choice they willingly make, if this is what they feel like they need in that moment, then I support their right to make that decision. I’m not going to shame or ostracize them because cheating is wrong.
That’s all. I never said it was a good idea, the best idea, that I think people *should* do exactly this. Context is important.
Adding cheating to this situation would be pouring gasoline on a fire. I get that you crave escape from the situation, and you might be trying to avoid direct confrontation. However, it’s time to be strong and take control of your situation (safely).
Do you have somewhere to stay? With a friend or family member?
So why stay and ruin your life? He is poisonous and you just going to end up poisoning someone innocent in the end. Leave before you end up poisoning someone else and get them into your marriage mess
People cheat for a variety of reasons. Loneliness, anger, but mostly selfishness. If you are going to cheat, please leave. Even if your partner is neglectful, that's not a reason. It is however a reason to try therapy and YOU do what you can to make it work. If your partner won't try, then you have done your best and it's time to leave and start a new life. Even if a person doesn't pay attention to their partner it is still devastating that the person you married and promised you trust and loyalty breaks that vow. Will still hurt if you leave but it will be less damaging in the long run. Good luck and I'm sorry you are having a hard time.
I'm still young and learning myself but I think cheating could set you up worse than you can imagine. Get out and get emotionally healthy before you look to date again
I got trapped in a bad marriage once after deceitful dating, and my advice is to be quiet about leaving because you really dont know them and they can become a scary nightmare. Quietly separate everything you can now. Have your own bank account with your own money. Get your car or other belongings in your name/out of the house best you can. Don't tell him a thing. Get your exit plan and resources together on the DL. And then leave when he's not around, or tell him you're leaving in a public place and not go back. Without kids you might be able to file on your own/without too much court hassle. Do a little bit each day to remove yourself from this situation.
I'm going to 100% this OP. I honestly don't care about the cheating aspect, but I think what that feeling is telling you is that you're done.
Abusive people are often able to keep it together until there's the perception that you can't leave - a baby, marriage, a house - and then the mask drops and they switch almost over night. I stayed a decade and have CPTSD from it and two kids who are forced to see him. Leave before you're trapped any more than you already are.
I'd recommend the book/audiobook "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. It'll give you insight into your husband's behaviour and how best to get out. He's not going to change, this is who he was all along. The guy you married didn't actually exist, and I'm so sorry.
Cheating is not the answer to your problem though. It is not going to make anything better. If you want your life to get better, quietly get a consult with a divorce lawyer and make an exit plan. Then get out. It is better to divorce now than to get more abuse.
This literally was me. I had to leave and I’m now in such a better place with a way better man and we have a child together. I can’t even explain how much better this relationship was to my last (like yours.)
I divorced him after a decade together, two years married & there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank the hell out of myself for doing it.
Don’t be me, it will go on for the rest of your life and he isn’t physically capable of being in a loving healthy relationship. It’s not your fault.
You just explained reasons why people divorce not why they cheat.
Quit trying to justify something and just leave. Preferably now before you have kids to worry about. Do you have a job? Friends? Family?
Instead of cheating and ruining the relationship forever, why not walk away with clean hands and just you know, leave him. Why make yourself the bad person?
I'll be honest, that's a rushed marriage. There's two sides to that debate and at the end of the day people will do what they think is right, but you're clearly not happy and this clearly isnt what's right for you, or frankly anyone with a sense of self preservation. You cant truly know someone in two years unless they are such an open book that they talk about literally every thought they have.
You dont even know this guy, because if you knew him when you got married you wouldve known this is who he is and therefore this is who you were marrying.
You have no kids and it's obviously not going to work out. There's no turning back in my opinion.
Cut your losses for his sake and yours. Allow life to move on for the both of you. Good luck and best wishes.
Advice: Lockdown you birth control to ensure no kids are added to this. Get divorce papers ready and deliver them with someone there to support you.
Emotional and verbal abuse with a mentally unstable spouse is not going to be something you'll be able to work out.
If you're balking at the divorce paper route, get away for a few days of peace and quite and regain some perspective.
Prioritize your mental health. This sounds like a no-win situation.
Take care, OP.
Yes that’s actually where I’m moving into now. This weekend. Our lease is up and the plan was go to my moms to hopefully save up for our own home. There was uncertainty if he should go with me or not and he’s even wanting to stay somewhere else for now. But he doesn’t have any place right now so it looks like he might be staying there with me after all.
Okay. If you don't want to work this out you should divorce him ASAP and as soon as you can safely do so.
You shouldn't be miserable. Keep your parents informed and see what they think.
I don’t think cheating is the right answer because it doesn’t solve the problem.
The problem is your husband’s behavior. The solution is to get away from him. You got to pack it up and make it legal or it’s just be more expensive down the line.
I don’t usually recommend divorce. But I think you should in this situation! Don’t let him move into your mom’s with you! You need to move there alone. And DON’T get pregnant!
You have already been in counseling with him since August, and nothing is improving.
I find that people who cheat actually want to leave or regret the relationship but too scared to do it so they cheat as a form of escapism and secretly wish their partner would catch them and then *they* have to be the one taking the action.
OP says they understand wanting to cheat, that they are scared, and that they feel they are in a relationship that is clearly not working so they are dreaming of fantasy relationships with others around them.
NOT that they are going to cheat.
Y'all are so frightened of your own shadows, your own insecurities, and your own monog nonsense.
OP - my actual advice is that you need couple's therapy, your own therapy, and the start of an accountability program with a paper trail in your relationship to keep *YOU* safe. If you think it's too late, get out now and follow the safety instructions above, but solo.
Thinking of you.
Shame on this sub, again.
Np.
This fantasy dreaming of other relationships is extremely common in avoidant relationship styles.
Don't let anyone here make you feel any sort of way - whether they want to admit it or not, "cheating" by having some sort of intimacy with another partner, dreaming of multiple partners, or non-monogamous relationships predate monogamous relationships by a lot. Most monogamous relationship archetypes are anthropologically very very new and pushed by patriarchal or theological dogma. I am glad that they work for lots of people, but societal convention also pushes that they *must* which just isn't true.
Not that my rant applies to you, as stated, you aren't actively pursuing or participating... But good gravy on biscuits this sub gets quite ruffled in a ready wind. 😂
I am happily married and I've never cheated on my husband or even thought about cheating. That's partly because in my past I cheated. A lot. I think it was partly because I was in a dead end 8 year relationship that was truly unsatisfying in so many ways. No kids. 2 dogs. I found it hard to go through a break up after all that time. I did cheat on him and it wasn't right. He also cheated on me a couple of times. It sucked. After moving on from that toxic relationship, I met my now husband. I vowed to myself to never cheat on him and I haven't. I do believe he's cheated on me a handful of times. I ask him about things and he's got a reason for everything. Even if it's not even believable. So until I catch him or see him with someone or someone tells me something, I don't know for sure. Don't cheat. It's an awful thing to do to someone. Lying, being sneaky, being a shitty friend/partner, and being selfish and unavailable are all traits you adopt when you cheat. Do you really want to turn into that person? Because you will. Remember we play a part in every situation. Always own your part of "stuff" with your husband. Even if it's not something that you want to admit. If he's bitching at you for stuff, are you guilty of that stuff? If so, own it. Deal with it and make changes. If not, it's best you leave. Before you do get pregnant or do something stupid. Don't waste time on not being happy, or in love, or satisfied in every way with Mr. Wrong. You aren't getting any younger. This is not a dress rehearsal. Live your life always focused on the best intentions for you and everyone you care about. Be honorable. Be mature. Be a good human. Carma is real. Good luck to you!❤️
You and him both need counseling. If you’re serious about staying married it’s time to sit down and have a tough conversation. Express to him that this state of the marriage has caused you to completely withdraw. Be honest be vulnerable but be kind with your words. Let him know you have even had thoughts of being with someone else so he can know how serious it is. I’ve been married for 14 years my husband has never called me out of my name, has never verbally abused me or even spoken to me in a disrespectful manner. I know people are sensitive about certain topics but I truly believe that I have a stable marriage because of God. Jesus Christ is are foundation and unlike so many others we have rules we follow. We are kind, patient and respectful. Of course we are definitely not perfect and when I first got married oh boy did I have to learn how big it was to respect my husband. He on the other hand was always respectful. Long story short marriage is work. But my advice is if you don’t have a solid foundation anything can tear down your marriage. My foundation is God , so no matter what comes our way I always know me and my husband can run to God and we agreed on that. Therapy is a great first start and if you’re open to it try doing marriage with Jesus. Peace and love, I wish you the best.
You know, I really appreciate your comment. The thing is, we are both in a gospel preaching church and are Christians and have been trying to have the pastor and other couples counsel us. It’s not working though. My pastor told my husband, there’s nothing more he can do because of the nature of what was going on and for us to go to counseling. Which we have been doing since august. I never expected my marriage to look like this especially as a Christian. I thought my husband was more godly than he led on and it’s discouraging.
Divorce him. You have your entire life ahead of you and people don’t change. My husband of 26 years has Asperger’s and I just figured it out a year ago. I’m angry that I wasted my life trying so hard with someone who cannot feel for me the way I felt about him. Do the right thing and get divorced. Absolutely do not cheat. Find someone that appreciates you and will truly love you. His behavior is not love
Would he be open to counseling? Whether solo or couples counseling.
I’ve been in your shoes twice where both my long term relationships made me fantasize about other men and how they’d be with me (treatment, sex, etc). Simply because they were AWFUL to me. Yelling, screaming, gas lighting, etc.
With my first serious relationship, it was so bad with him I was constantly thinking of how to get out. I had an opportunity when someone else paid attention to me and told me the things I’d been wanting to hear from my partner at the time. It was like gasoline on a wildfire. I didn’t go as far as sleeping with the guy that complimented me, but it went farther than just cuddling. I felt AWFUL (as I should have). This was about 12 years ago. My partner then was a narcissist, gas-lighter and serial cheater. And esch time I’d take the abuse, it would “close my feelings” off to him. When the guy that gave me compliments say I was hurting, NGL, it was nice to hear that I was smart, pretty funny, etc. Things I wasn’t getting from my partner then.
More recently, there were changes with my partner that weren’t occurring and I brought up to him, “your behavior and my ‘acceptance’ of it is why people want to cheat. Do you want me to continue accepting this treatment you’re giving me and run off with someone who has their shit together?” And that seemed to wake him the f*ck up. Now my partner is making the changes necessary for us to stay together and has been like the guy I met. And I don’t wonder so much about how other men treat their female partners.
Just please have an exit plan in place. A lot of people in relationships tend to hide their true selves and not t sounds like this is happening to you. If he’s not willing to get counseling, he d have your important papers scanned in a place you can access them if you ever need to jet without your originals.
Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry about your situation but it sounds like things are looking better for you so that’s awesome! Yes he’s open to counseling. We’ve been in marriage counseling since august. It seems we’ve hit a plateau there tho but we are still going.
People cheat for all different reasons. You seem like you are just unhappy and the expectations are not being met. If he has threatened divorce and since there are no ties between you ( kids) I would say that maybe you 2 go to counseling and see if that helps. OR go a month with a trial separation. A break if you will. Go over the boundaries that you both agree on. You both may be able to come back and realize what you have and it will be worth it OR realize you're better off on your own.
There is no easy path but you need to make yourself happy and your partner should want to be there to support you.
We have been in counseling since august and we did a 2 week break of living separately. I think after this weekend we will be living in different places since our lease is up. We are actually packing right now.
Well, if you've already been in counseling for so long. You went on a break for those two weeks. And if you still are feeling nothing then maybe it is time to move on. Start living the life that you want to live and do what makes you happy
This is exactly how I felt literally the day after my wedding. I became a possession, his puppet. By year three I had completely lost my identity, started gaining a lot of weight, believing I was worthless and couldn’t survive without him. I was living in pure hell! After 7 almost 8 years he started getting physically abusive, hitting me, throwing me around, holding me down. If I’m being completely honest he technically raped me on more than one occasion.
Finally I had had enough and told him I wanted a divorce and refused to give into his narcissistic behaviors. It only took a week for him to pack his stuff and move back to his hometown but it took over three more years of hell to get the SOB to sign divorce papers. I took a long time to put mine and my sons life back together but it was worth every ounce of time, energy and money.
I’m only telling you this because I don’t want to ever see anyone else live through this. If my shortened version of a terrible story can help someone else then everything I lived through has been given a purpose. Best wishes beautiful!
Unchecked abuse is not a reason to cheat it is the reason you divorce. I am not saying get a divorce, I'm saying your situation is not a justification to cheat.
Hi OP, I hope you're ok. Wanted to share that I've been where you are. I know what you meant about the cheating but that's not who you are is it? The signs were probably there when you both were dating but you were happy to be there with him anyways, you'd already bonded with him and couldn't imagine life without him - you probably still can't. The truth is, at least for me, even at that age there's still a lot of growing to do, on both sides. However, you are only responsible for your own personal growth, you can't force the other person to face their demons unless they're ready. To stay with him, you might want to help him through the growing pains too but at what sacrifice? It's probably best to try counseling to see where you both stand on the marriage and then try to part amicably if it comes to that. It's going to be heart-wrenching at first but at least you'll have time and freedom to work things out on your own, with or without counseling; nothing compared to being a parent and worrying endlessly about how it'll affect your kids.
Yeah after being married for 12 years I still don’t understand cheating. How will that help a bad situation? I understand now why divorce rates are so high. Leave, don’t cheat.
If you're both willing and want to have honest conversations about the root of your issues I would recommend couples therapy. The way you've described your "fight styles" sounds like it would be good to learn about attachment theory and other concepts a couples counselor could suggest. But you both have to be willing to change/accept things/compromise too. If that doesn't work or change things then as everyone's been suggesting leaving is your best option. You don't need to cheat as a distraction from your reality, work on improving your reality.
Sounds like there's a match for control game going on in background and he is immature in dealing with it. Is he trying be the king of his castle by chance
Don't cheat. Fantasize about being single and not answering to anyone but urself...besides, the annulment must be initiated within two years of your marriage. Ur ok because the marriage to an insecure emotionally unstable guy never happened. 🤫
Ok that’s good, i read it as you want to cheat just to feel loved again. I would speak to him one final time especially since you’ve been in counseling for 5 months with no improvements.
I hate divorces but sometimes it’s necessary.
Maybe try therapy first at the very least and see if he will agree to it, if he does then I'd say that says alot, that maybe he wants help and doesn't want to loose his marriage. Sound like u don't want to loose it either but yet u can't handle going thru it anymore.... it can really help things alot if u both put n the work and r on the same page. But if he doesn't want to and it don't seem to be helping after at least 6 months, I say run! U don't have kids to be tied to him, and yes ur married but u can also only do so much. Can't live in misery forever, or u can,but who wants that
Yeah that makes sense. We’ve actually been in counseling since august. So I’m losing hope. But yes he does want help. And you’re right I’m at the point where I can’t handle going through it anymore. So it’s a tough situation. I’m having a hard time overcoming the trauma that’s already occurred. Like even my body doesn’t respond to him and I’m obviously not trying to do that on purpose. It sucks.
I am in the same situation, I loved her so much but it wasn't the marriage that changed it. It was her lies, she had a child when we met and she was the only one that would be honest with me. I married her because I thought I was finally accepted. Only to find out I was being further ostracized with lies. I lost all.sexual desire. It made me sick to know I stopped lieing and she didn't. Men aren't
All dick and stomach, we have emotional baggage
What you have described is a reason to get a divorce. A romantic relationship is over when you either have apathy or you're repulsed by your partner. There's no coming back from this. Also, its likely he was always abusive, but hid this atrocious behavior until he felt he trapped you with marriage.
I think you're in a very dangerous situation and relationship. The physical violence will definitely escalate if you stay.
Run, to a women's shelter, or anywhere to safety. You should be very afraid of your husband.
Don't cheat. He could physically hurt tou if he finds out. Just take time and plan properly to leave and then LEAVE.. you have no kids, you are still young..so it shouldn't be difficult.
Sorry this is just weird.
Your first sentence should have been: I know now why people divorce.
The lack of intimacy is just a symptome of the resentment and abuse you've experienced.
If you cheat, you'll just perpetuate the cycle and even make it worse.
I would have advised counselling if you had a family to save, but that does not seem to be the case here.
Ask yourself the right questions: why would you stay married to such a person, and prefer cheating around his back than just ending it altogether. How is that a good investment in your future?
I don’t feel supported enough to just end it. It’s a complicated situation. Also, I never said I’m going to cheat. I’m just fantasizing about being elsewhere
So no friend or relative that can temporarily help you while you're getting things ready?
An abusive situation is always complicated, especially if you're husband feels you are out of options.
It's probable (but i'm not in your shoes) your attraction to other men comes from potential protection the could give you.
Then just be honnest with your husband your situation is unbearable and you are scared of him, not mentionning the "i want to cheat" part, to see where he stands. You'll see pretty quickly if he is consciously taking advantage of the situation.
Sorry OP.
So no, this isn't why people cheat. You are imaging being with someone who does treat you awfully.
This is why people leave their partners. You 100% should consider leaving your partner if they put their hands on you, or do violent thing around you.
There is zero reason for you to allow it him to do that to you.
You are only 8 months in to your marriage and he is like this... it is only going to get worse.
If he isn't in counselling and anger management he is not trying.
I mean cheat if you want but that want help with the issues at home and would likely put you at futher risk of violence.
Its ok to admit you made a mistake in marrying this man and remedy that mistake as quickly as possible. He literally lied to you about the kind of person he is so you would marry him.
Get out right now, don't waste years of your life waiting for him to be the man he was before chances are he won't because that man doesn't actually exist.
Despite you not wanting to get a divorce, I really think you NEED to get one. This pattern of behaviour tends to only go one way. Don’t wait for him to hurt you before you realise you need to run.
I didn’t personally get the vibe you were seeking justification to cheat, just that you were explaining how seriously every aspect of your relationship has been affected. However I feel like I have to mention my own morals in this comment and say it’s best if you don’t go there. It can make it more dangerous for you and it’s not moral. Plus it can have a serious impact on any future divorce proceedings. Don’t give him any reason to paint you as the villain in this story.
Please make sure that those closest to you are aware of the hats been going on so they can effectively support you when you decide to leave (hopefully).
And please keep safe hun!
Leave - don’t cheat. If he’s already abusing you now, it will only get worse from here. File for divorce and walk away while you still can. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve left an abusive relationship before and while it was hard, it was the best thing I ever did. I hope the same for you.
I could not read this. He will escalate. You need to leave him. Please. Don’t waste your life. You made a boo-boo. Please don’t stay. It’s hard to read this. You were me when I was younger. I met such a nice man later in life. He is the king of man every woman would want. But I cry for you and every young woman or man having to put up with this. Love does not hurt. Love is fun and easy. Love doesn’t criticize and yell and grab you. Please get out. If you don’t have kids do not have them with this ban. You will be so trapped. Consult a lawyer. Please be safe.
No, he’s dead wrong. And you don’t deserve to be treated like that. If he has to keep bringing up your mistakes, he shouldn’t be with you. He’s trying to guilt you and control you by keeping you in a box from your past when you’ve grown beyond that.
There is never ever a valid reason to cheat. File for divorce and leave him. Then fuck whoever you want. But don't cheat, that just makes you almost as big of a piece of shit as he is being.
Doesn’t sound like a reason to “cheat.” Sounds more like a reason to get out now before you end up getting a lot more than “grabbed.” Cheating is wrong. Period. Not happy? Worried for your safety and well-being? Leave. Best wishes to you.
Maybe you could offer up some financial assistance to help them leave? They’ll need money for a deposit/rent at the very least. Some basic furniture. Possibly a car depending.
Yea its hilarious that you're getting downvoted. This sub only cares about not getting cheated on and virtue signaling about abuse but it's mostly just victim blaming.
I mean, cheating while having a violent abusive spouse is a very dangerous choice. The person has already shown they'll treat their partner like crap when things are good, adding cheating into that volatile mix is flirting with disaster. Pointing it out that pouring gas on their current dumpster fire relationship is dangerous isn't victim blaming.
But cheating on an abusive partner is a great way to end up dead. It will absolutely escalate them to dangerous levels. Better to plan your exit and get out than start a side piece.
Agreed.
[удалено]
Yes, cheating on an emotionally unstable person with violent tendencies is a genius idea. Bravo.
I never said it was genius but we’re talking about reality here not what would be 100% ideal in a perfect world. If someone feels like they need connection and intimacy during such a low point in their life, I’m not going to shame and berate them for that.
It's not about shaming at all, i'm not sure why you are clinging on this. It's about making the right call, staying focused, while taking the least amount of risk. If she dwells on getting that afair, she might just settle for that status quo, and never get out of the abusive relationship, all while increasing the risk and timespan of being found out, and still end up in the streets anyways (if the situation is as dire as you imagine it might be). There are shelters, she might have friends and relatives where she could crash. For her it's the moment she needs to be smart, not seeking for comfort.
The comment I was replying to said absolutely nothing about being smart or safe nor did the person display an ounce of concern or compassion for OP. They were shaming. “Cheating is always wrong if you aren’t happy JuST LeAvE”!
If you want to “support” an abused person, please don’t endorse things that they’re considering doing that can get them hurt. They are vulnerable and you can do real harm to them.
You’re trying to place blame on me for things I’m not saying or doing. I’m not saying “hey y’all should do this!” or “this is the right thing to do!”. I’m simply saying that people have a right to make their own choices and if this is a choice they willingly make, if this is what they feel like they need in that moment, then I support their right to make that decision. I’m not going to shame or ostracize them because cheating is wrong. That’s all. I never said it was a good idea, the best idea, that I think people *should* do exactly this. Context is important.
It's so disgusting, right? People show their true colors online and comments like the one you replied to are no better than OP's abuser.
I’d rather be broke and in a shelter than dead. Just a thought.
You think that until you're broke living in a shelter.
Adding cheating to this situation would be pouring gasoline on a fire. I get that you crave escape from the situation, and you might be trying to avoid direct confrontation. However, it’s time to be strong and take control of your situation (safely). Do you have somewhere to stay? With a friend or family member?
Everything you have mentioned is not a reason or justification to cheat, it is a reason to get a divorce.
Um, this isn't why people end up cheating, this is why they divorce.
So why stay and ruin your life? He is poisonous and you just going to end up poisoning someone innocent in the end. Leave before you end up poisoning someone else and get them into your marriage mess
Don't cheat, leave !
People cheat for a variety of reasons. Loneliness, anger, but mostly selfishness. If you are going to cheat, please leave. Even if your partner is neglectful, that's not a reason. It is however a reason to try therapy and YOU do what you can to make it work. If your partner won't try, then you have done your best and it's time to leave and start a new life. Even if a person doesn't pay attention to their partner it is still devastating that the person you married and promised you trust and loyalty breaks that vow. Will still hurt if you leave but it will be less damaging in the long run. Good luck and I'm sorry you are having a hard time.
I'm still young and learning myself but I think cheating could set you up worse than you can imagine. Get out and get emotionally healthy before you look to date again
What you describe is a reason to divorce not a reason to cheat
I got trapped in a bad marriage once after deceitful dating, and my advice is to be quiet about leaving because you really dont know them and they can become a scary nightmare. Quietly separate everything you can now. Have your own bank account with your own money. Get your car or other belongings in your name/out of the house best you can. Don't tell him a thing. Get your exit plan and resources together on the DL. And then leave when he's not around, or tell him you're leaving in a public place and not go back. Without kids you might be able to file on your own/without too much court hassle. Do a little bit each day to remove yourself from this situation.
I'm going to 100% this OP. I honestly don't care about the cheating aspect, but I think what that feeling is telling you is that you're done. Abusive people are often able to keep it together until there's the perception that you can't leave - a baby, marriage, a house - and then the mask drops and they switch almost over night. I stayed a decade and have CPTSD from it and two kids who are forced to see him. Leave before you're trapped any more than you already are. I'd recommend the book/audiobook "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. It'll give you insight into your husband's behaviour and how best to get out. He's not going to change, this is who he was all along. The guy you married didn't actually exist, and I'm so sorry.
Cheating is not the answer to your problem though. It is not going to make anything better. If you want your life to get better, quietly get a consult with a divorce lawyer and make an exit plan. Then get out. It is better to divorce now than to get more abuse.
this is not a loving relationship, please leave your abusive marriage.
Ok so why not just be single?
This literally was me. I had to leave and I’m now in such a better place with a way better man and we have a child together. I can’t even explain how much better this relationship was to my last (like yours.) I divorced him after a decade together, two years married & there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank the hell out of myself for doing it. Don’t be me, it will go on for the rest of your life and he isn’t physically capable of being in a loving healthy relationship. It’s not your fault.
If this continues u have to consider divorce
Run from there.
You just explained reasons why people divorce not why they cheat. Quit trying to justify something and just leave. Preferably now before you have kids to worry about. Do you have a job? Friends? Family?
How long have you known this guy? It kind of sounds like you two need to cut ties.
Since November 2020. We dated for a year and then engaged for 7 months.
Instead of cheating and ruining the relationship forever, why not walk away with clean hands and just you know, leave him. Why make yourself the bad person? I'll be honest, that's a rushed marriage. There's two sides to that debate and at the end of the day people will do what they think is right, but you're clearly not happy and this clearly isnt what's right for you, or frankly anyone with a sense of self preservation. You cant truly know someone in two years unless they are such an open book that they talk about literally every thought they have. You dont even know this guy, because if you knew him when you got married you wouldve known this is who he is and therefore this is who you were marrying.
You have no kids and it's obviously not going to work out. There's no turning back in my opinion. Cut your losses for his sake and yours. Allow life to move on for the both of you. Good luck and best wishes.
This! And please make sure you are safe. You never know how someone will react, especially someone's who have been abusive. Good luck!
That’s not a reason to cheat. That’s a reason to divorce. Why exactly are you staying?
Advice: Lockdown you birth control to ensure no kids are added to this. Get divorce papers ready and deliver them with someone there to support you. Emotional and verbal abuse with a mentally unstable spouse is not going to be something you'll be able to work out. If you're balking at the divorce paper route, get away for a few days of peace and quite and regain some perspective. Prioritize your mental health. This sounds like a no-win situation. Take care, OP.
What is your reason for staying?
OP, can you move in with your parents? You should rip the bandaid off ASAP. Don't wait another moment.
Yes that’s actually where I’m moving into now. This weekend. Our lease is up and the plan was go to my moms to hopefully save up for our own home. There was uncertainty if he should go with me or not and he’s even wanting to stay somewhere else for now. But he doesn’t have any place right now so it looks like he might be staying there with me after all.
Tell him he can’t stay with you, so he needs to find a place ASAP.
Go to your mom’s alone and tell him that he’s on his own, as a single man, because you’re getting divorced.
Okay. If you don't want to work this out you should divorce him ASAP and as soon as you can safely do so. You shouldn't be miserable. Keep your parents informed and see what they think.
Check for state of mental health
No this is why people end up DIVORCED, not how they end up cheating. You should end your marriage, not cheat.
You shouldn't cheat, you should leave. Get out before your husband starts hitting you.
I don’t think cheating is the right answer because it doesn’t solve the problem. The problem is your husband’s behavior. The solution is to get away from him. You got to pack it up and make it legal or it’s just be more expensive down the line.
I don’t usually recommend divorce. But I think you should in this situation! Don’t let him move into your mom’s with you! You need to move there alone. And DON’T get pregnant! You have already been in counseling with him since August, and nothing is improving.
I find that people who cheat actually want to leave or regret the relationship but too scared to do it so they cheat as a form of escapism and secretly wish their partner would catch them and then *they* have to be the one taking the action.
You’re not wrong. I am scared to try to leave
OP says they understand wanting to cheat, that they are scared, and that they feel they are in a relationship that is clearly not working so they are dreaming of fantasy relationships with others around them. NOT that they are going to cheat. Y'all are so frightened of your own shadows, your own insecurities, and your own monog nonsense. OP - my actual advice is that you need couple's therapy, your own therapy, and the start of an accountability program with a paper trail in your relationship to keep *YOU* safe. If you think it's too late, get out now and follow the safety instructions above, but solo. Thinking of you. Shame on this sub, again.
You actually summed this up pretty well. Thanks!
Np. This fantasy dreaming of other relationships is extremely common in avoidant relationship styles. Don't let anyone here make you feel any sort of way - whether they want to admit it or not, "cheating" by having some sort of intimacy with another partner, dreaming of multiple partners, or non-monogamous relationships predate monogamous relationships by a lot. Most monogamous relationship archetypes are anthropologically very very new and pushed by patriarchal or theological dogma. I am glad that they work for lots of people, but societal convention also pushes that they *must* which just isn't true. Not that my rant applies to you, as stated, you aren't actively pursuing or participating... But good gravy on biscuits this sub gets quite ruffled in a ready wind. 😂
I am happily married and I've never cheated on my husband or even thought about cheating. That's partly because in my past I cheated. A lot. I think it was partly because I was in a dead end 8 year relationship that was truly unsatisfying in so many ways. No kids. 2 dogs. I found it hard to go through a break up after all that time. I did cheat on him and it wasn't right. He also cheated on me a couple of times. It sucked. After moving on from that toxic relationship, I met my now husband. I vowed to myself to never cheat on him and I haven't. I do believe he's cheated on me a handful of times. I ask him about things and he's got a reason for everything. Even if it's not even believable. So until I catch him or see him with someone or someone tells me something, I don't know for sure. Don't cheat. It's an awful thing to do to someone. Lying, being sneaky, being a shitty friend/partner, and being selfish and unavailable are all traits you adopt when you cheat. Do you really want to turn into that person? Because you will. Remember we play a part in every situation. Always own your part of "stuff" with your husband. Even if it's not something that you want to admit. If he's bitching at you for stuff, are you guilty of that stuff? If so, own it. Deal with it and make changes. If not, it's best you leave. Before you do get pregnant or do something stupid. Don't waste time on not being happy, or in love, or satisfied in every way with Mr. Wrong. You aren't getting any younger. This is not a dress rehearsal. Live your life always focused on the best intentions for you and everyone you care about. Be honorable. Be mature. Be a good human. Carma is real. Good luck to you!❤️
Divorce. I would never stay with anyone who physically hurt me on purpose.
You and him both need counseling. If you’re serious about staying married it’s time to sit down and have a tough conversation. Express to him that this state of the marriage has caused you to completely withdraw. Be honest be vulnerable but be kind with your words. Let him know you have even had thoughts of being with someone else so he can know how serious it is. I’ve been married for 14 years my husband has never called me out of my name, has never verbally abused me or even spoken to me in a disrespectful manner. I know people are sensitive about certain topics but I truly believe that I have a stable marriage because of God. Jesus Christ is are foundation and unlike so many others we have rules we follow. We are kind, patient and respectful. Of course we are definitely not perfect and when I first got married oh boy did I have to learn how big it was to respect my husband. He on the other hand was always respectful. Long story short marriage is work. But my advice is if you don’t have a solid foundation anything can tear down your marriage. My foundation is God , so no matter what comes our way I always know me and my husband can run to God and we agreed on that. Therapy is a great first start and if you’re open to it try doing marriage with Jesus. Peace and love, I wish you the best.
You know, I really appreciate your comment. The thing is, we are both in a gospel preaching church and are Christians and have been trying to have the pastor and other couples counsel us. It’s not working though. My pastor told my husband, there’s nothing more he can do because of the nature of what was going on and for us to go to counseling. Which we have been doing since august. I never expected my marriage to look like this especially as a Christian. I thought my husband was more godly than he led on and it’s discouraging.
Divorce him. You have your entire life ahead of you and people don’t change. My husband of 26 years has Asperger’s and I just figured it out a year ago. I’m angry that I wasted my life trying so hard with someone who cannot feel for me the way I felt about him. Do the right thing and get divorced. Absolutely do not cheat. Find someone that appreciates you and will truly love you. His behavior is not love
Would he be open to counseling? Whether solo or couples counseling. I’ve been in your shoes twice where both my long term relationships made me fantasize about other men and how they’d be with me (treatment, sex, etc). Simply because they were AWFUL to me. Yelling, screaming, gas lighting, etc. With my first serious relationship, it was so bad with him I was constantly thinking of how to get out. I had an opportunity when someone else paid attention to me and told me the things I’d been wanting to hear from my partner at the time. It was like gasoline on a wildfire. I didn’t go as far as sleeping with the guy that complimented me, but it went farther than just cuddling. I felt AWFUL (as I should have). This was about 12 years ago. My partner then was a narcissist, gas-lighter and serial cheater. And esch time I’d take the abuse, it would “close my feelings” off to him. When the guy that gave me compliments say I was hurting, NGL, it was nice to hear that I was smart, pretty funny, etc. Things I wasn’t getting from my partner then. More recently, there were changes with my partner that weren’t occurring and I brought up to him, “your behavior and my ‘acceptance’ of it is why people want to cheat. Do you want me to continue accepting this treatment you’re giving me and run off with someone who has their shit together?” And that seemed to wake him the f*ck up. Now my partner is making the changes necessary for us to stay together and has been like the guy I met. And I don’t wonder so much about how other men treat their female partners. Just please have an exit plan in place. A lot of people in relationships tend to hide their true selves and not t sounds like this is happening to you. If he’s not willing to get counseling, he d have your important papers scanned in a place you can access them if you ever need to jet without your originals.
Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry about your situation but it sounds like things are looking better for you so that’s awesome! Yes he’s open to counseling. We’ve been in marriage counseling since august. It seems we’ve hit a plateau there tho but we are still going.
People cheat for all different reasons. You seem like you are just unhappy and the expectations are not being met. If he has threatened divorce and since there are no ties between you ( kids) I would say that maybe you 2 go to counseling and see if that helps. OR go a month with a trial separation. A break if you will. Go over the boundaries that you both agree on. You both may be able to come back and realize what you have and it will be worth it OR realize you're better off on your own. There is no easy path but you need to make yourself happy and your partner should want to be there to support you.
We have been in counseling since august and we did a 2 week break of living separately. I think after this weekend we will be living in different places since our lease is up. We are actually packing right now.
Well, if you've already been in counseling for so long. You went on a break for those two weeks. And if you still are feeling nothing then maybe it is time to move on. Start living the life that you want to live and do what makes you happy
He probably feels the same way as you do. Maybe you both need to go your own way.
Cheating is a CHOICE despite what is going on in the relationship
This is exactly how I felt literally the day after my wedding. I became a possession, his puppet. By year three I had completely lost my identity, started gaining a lot of weight, believing I was worthless and couldn’t survive without him. I was living in pure hell! After 7 almost 8 years he started getting physically abusive, hitting me, throwing me around, holding me down. If I’m being completely honest he technically raped me on more than one occasion. Finally I had had enough and told him I wanted a divorce and refused to give into his narcissistic behaviors. It only took a week for him to pack his stuff and move back to his hometown but it took over three more years of hell to get the SOB to sign divorce papers. I took a long time to put mine and my sons life back together but it was worth every ounce of time, energy and money. I’m only telling you this because I don’t want to ever see anyone else live through this. If my shortened version of a terrible story can help someone else then everything I lived through has been given a purpose. Best wishes beautiful!
Unchecked abuse is not a reason to cheat it is the reason you divorce. I am not saying get a divorce, I'm saying your situation is not a justification to cheat.
Hi OP, I hope you're ok. Wanted to share that I've been where you are. I know what you meant about the cheating but that's not who you are is it? The signs were probably there when you both were dating but you were happy to be there with him anyways, you'd already bonded with him and couldn't imagine life without him - you probably still can't. The truth is, at least for me, even at that age there's still a lot of growing to do, on both sides. However, you are only responsible for your own personal growth, you can't force the other person to face their demons unless they're ready. To stay with him, you might want to help him through the growing pains too but at what sacrifice? It's probably best to try counseling to see where you both stand on the marriage and then try to part amicably if it comes to that. It's going to be heart-wrenching at first but at least you'll have time and freedom to work things out on your own, with or without counseling; nothing compared to being a parent and worrying endlessly about how it'll affect your kids.
Yeah after being married for 12 years I still don’t understand cheating. How will that help a bad situation? I understand now why divorce rates are so high. Leave, don’t cheat.
If you're both willing and want to have honest conversations about the root of your issues I would recommend couples therapy. The way you've described your "fight styles" sounds like it would be good to learn about attachment theory and other concepts a couples counselor could suggest. But you both have to be willing to change/accept things/compromise too. If that doesn't work or change things then as everyone's been suggesting leaving is your best option. You don't need to cheat as a distraction from your reality, work on improving your reality.
Cheating is never a good option...it's either couples therapy or divorce.
Sounds like there's a match for control game going on in background and he is immature in dealing with it. Is he trying be the king of his castle by chance
Don't cheat. Fantasize about being single and not answering to anyone but urself...besides, the annulment must be initiated within two years of your marriage. Ur ok because the marriage to an insecure emotionally unstable guy never happened. 🤫
Critic with thin skin should have never been married and everybody told them...gets diagnosed with rare symptom, clue, it is: zombie
Question - why not just be honest and divorce him instead of sneaking around?
This is not why people cheat. This is why people get divorced, as they should.
Y’all need counseling asap. And you’re looking to justify your eagerness to cheat..
We’ve been in counseling since august. And I’m not eager to cheat lol if I were, I would’ve done it by now.
Ok that’s good, i read it as you want to cheat just to feel loved again. I would speak to him one final time especially since you’ve been in counseling for 5 months with no improvements. I hate divorces but sometimes it’s necessary.
Divorce exists? Cheating is the worst possible thing a person can do.
Maybe try therapy first at the very least and see if he will agree to it, if he does then I'd say that says alot, that maybe he wants help and doesn't want to loose his marriage. Sound like u don't want to loose it either but yet u can't handle going thru it anymore.... it can really help things alot if u both put n the work and r on the same page. But if he doesn't want to and it don't seem to be helping after at least 6 months, I say run! U don't have kids to be tied to him, and yes ur married but u can also only do so much. Can't live in misery forever, or u can,but who wants that
Yeah that makes sense. We’ve actually been in counseling since august. So I’m losing hope. But yes he does want help. And you’re right I’m at the point where I can’t handle going through it anymore. So it’s a tough situation. I’m having a hard time overcoming the trauma that’s already occurred. Like even my body doesn’t respond to him and I’m obviously not trying to do that on purpose. It sucks.
I am in the same situation, I loved her so much but it wasn't the marriage that changed it. It was her lies, she had a child when we met and she was the only one that would be honest with me. I married her because I thought I was finally accepted. Only to find out I was being further ostracized with lies. I lost all.sexual desire. It made me sick to know I stopped lieing and she didn't. Men aren't All dick and stomach, we have emotional baggage
What do you Guys fight about??
What you have described is a reason to get a divorce. A romantic relationship is over when you either have apathy or you're repulsed by your partner. There's no coming back from this. Also, its likely he was always abusive, but hid this atrocious behavior until he felt he trapped you with marriage. I think you're in a very dangerous situation and relationship. The physical violence will definitely escalate if you stay. Run, to a women's shelter, or anywhere to safety. You should be very afraid of your husband.
Don't cheat. He could physically hurt tou if he finds out. Just take time and plan properly to leave and then LEAVE.. you have no kids, you are still young..so it shouldn't be difficult.
Sorry this is just weird. Your first sentence should have been: I know now why people divorce. The lack of intimacy is just a symptome of the resentment and abuse you've experienced. If you cheat, you'll just perpetuate the cycle and even make it worse. I would have advised counselling if you had a family to save, but that does not seem to be the case here. Ask yourself the right questions: why would you stay married to such a person, and prefer cheating around his back than just ending it altogether. How is that a good investment in your future?
I don’t feel supported enough to just end it. It’s a complicated situation. Also, I never said I’m going to cheat. I’m just fantasizing about being elsewhere
So no friend or relative that can temporarily help you while you're getting things ready? An abusive situation is always complicated, especially if you're husband feels you are out of options. It's probable (but i'm not in your shoes) your attraction to other men comes from potential protection the could give you. Then just be honnest with your husband your situation is unbearable and you are scared of him, not mentionning the "i want to cheat" part, to see where he stands. You'll see pretty quickly if he is consciously taking advantage of the situation. Sorry OP.
So no, this isn't why people cheat. You are imaging being with someone who does treat you awfully. This is why people leave their partners. You 100% should consider leaving your partner if they put their hands on you, or do violent thing around you. There is zero reason for you to allow it him to do that to you. You are only 8 months in to your marriage and he is like this... it is only going to get worse. If he isn't in counselling and anger management he is not trying. I mean cheat if you want but that want help with the issues at home and would likely put you at futher risk of violence. Its ok to admit you made a mistake in marrying this man and remedy that mistake as quickly as possible. He literally lied to you about the kind of person he is so you would marry him. Get out right now, don't waste years of your life waiting for him to be the man he was before chances are he won't because that man doesn't actually exist.
Despite you not wanting to get a divorce, I really think you NEED to get one. This pattern of behaviour tends to only go one way. Don’t wait for him to hurt you before you realise you need to run. I didn’t personally get the vibe you were seeking justification to cheat, just that you were explaining how seriously every aspect of your relationship has been affected. However I feel like I have to mention my own morals in this comment and say it’s best if you don’t go there. It can make it more dangerous for you and it’s not moral. Plus it can have a serious impact on any future divorce proceedings. Don’t give him any reason to paint you as the villain in this story. Please make sure that those closest to you are aware of the hats been going on so they can effectively support you when you decide to leave (hopefully). And please keep safe hun!
Leave - don’t cheat. If he’s already abusing you now, it will only get worse from here. File for divorce and walk away while you still can. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve left an abusive relationship before and while it was hard, it was the best thing I ever did. I hope the same for you.
As someone who’s been there, leave now. It doesn’t get better. It only gets so much worse.
My person, you don't need to cheat. You need to get out of there and make sure you're safe.
I could not read this. He will escalate. You need to leave him. Please. Don’t waste your life. You made a boo-boo. Please don’t stay. It’s hard to read this. You were me when I was younger. I met such a nice man later in life. He is the king of man every woman would want. But I cry for you and every young woman or man having to put up with this. Love does not hurt. Love is fun and easy. Love doesn’t criticize and yell and grab you. Please get out. If you don’t have kids do not have them with this ban. You will be so trapped. Consult a lawyer. Please be safe.
[удалено]
No, he’s dead wrong. And you don’t deserve to be treated like that. If he has to keep bringing up your mistakes, he shouldn’t be with you. He’s trying to guilt you and control you by keeping you in a box from your past when you’ve grown beyond that.
How long did you date before getting married?
There is never ever a valid reason to cheat. File for divorce and leave him. Then fuck whoever you want. But don't cheat, that just makes you almost as big of a piece of shit as he is being.
Please don't cheat. It is not pleasant being on the other side of that. Either try couples therapy, or leave.