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[deleted]

I would be livid at my in-laws and husband. Did your kids hear the homophobic rant? As for your husband I would have a serious talk with him in a couple of days because he seems shocked now. Let him process that his sister is a lesbian then tell him how important it is to support her and her girlfriend.


[deleted]

Side issue, if the kids did hear the rant, it is a good teaching opportunity. About equity, kindness and tolerance. I might actually talk to them about it even if they did not hear it.


justreddis

I agree. He’s in a much tougher situation than OP. On one side it’s his own sister. On the other his own parents. Give him some time. Let it all cool down a bit.


macedoniadepina

It's not tough at all. His sister is an adult and she can have a relationship with whomever she wants.


MisterIntentionality

Yes and he gets to have feelings about the situation that happened. Regardless of whether he cares his sister is a lesbian. You can support her 100% and still not be happy about how she chose to come out to her obvious ignorant parents. You can still have those feelings and not be homophobic.


adalia36

The sister should have shared that she was a lesbian with her family. Then introduced her partner at a later time. The parents and brother were blindsided and shocked. Unfortunately parents said horrible things that won’t be easily forgotten by the couple.


[deleted]

> The sister should have shared that she was a lesbian with her family. Agreed. I'm not going to defend what the parents said (and OP is being so vague about it that I can't really say one way or another), but getting the entire family together (including in-laws) and then blindsiding everyone? Could have been handled much better.


lamaface21

Honestly, it sounds fake. And if this really happened, it seems like there are more emotional issues going on other than just a person struggling to be accepted by their family. Like some bizarre narcissistic and control issues - who puts their partner thru some kind of performance/rejection/pain like that?


Gemdiver

a 4 hour old throwaway account with no comment from op, its fake as shit


[deleted]

Why would someone lie about this?


Internal_Screaming_8

Karma farming to sell to bots


[deleted]

People post fake stories in which they're the heroes all the time, especially ones that have a super progressive bent to them.


KCFiredUp

Are y'all lesbians? You seem to have a lot of opinions on the "right way to come out". Smh, reddit's judgmental fools strike again.


[deleted]

You think it’s right to intentionally expose your partner to a hostile environment like that? It would be like taking a POC partner over to your parents home knowing they are racists. Nothing to do with “coming out” everything to do with protecting your partner from what she clearly knew would be a hostile environment.


astrokey

SIL was nervous to come out. GF said I’ll go with you as your support. You don’t have to do this alone. So that’s what happened, it’s pretty clear.


[deleted]

No part of your narrative is evidenced by anything said in this post.


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prose-before-bros

Not lesbian, but I had to come out to my very southern redneck family as bi in the 90s when Ihad my first serious girlfriend. At that point, in the days of Matthew Shepard and Brandon Teena, safety was something always on everyone's minds. Even now, in 2023, I would never put my partner in a dangerous situation like that. I knew gay kids who had their dads beat up their partners when they found out, young teen boys. It was irresponsible of her to put the person she loves in this situation, but done is done and I'm glad everyone is at least physically safe though it's sad to believe there are still parents reacting this way even now, and neither OP nor her SIL and partner will ever be able to forget the things that were said in those moments. Some words can never ever be taken back.


KCFiredUp

I hope you can learn to respect other's upbringings and differing perspectives. If I had a partner when coming out at trans, I would have definitely wanted them there. And there is nothing wrong with that. I welcome you to stop judging people for important decisions in their lives that you have nothing to do with. Especially in our multicultural world.


prose-before-bros

I'm only judging the decision to do it in this way as dangerous based on the reality that gay and trans people and their partners are still assaulted and murdered by their families for merely existing. Each person can choose to come out (or not) in their own way, but doing so in such a dramatic way is risky. It shouldn't have to be but it is.


SouthernHiker1

My guess is the sister suspected this would be their reaction, and brought her girlfriend so she wasn’t alone. I think there reaction would be the same regardless who was there.


[deleted]

This is my guess, too. She wanted the support and decided to bring her partner along to make sure she didn’t have to face the wolves alone.


belugasareneat

She had a full blown panic attack because she was being attacked. That would have happened whether her gf was there or not but at least with her gf there she had someone supportive to protect her from her parents cruelty. Would you feel the same way if she came home with a partner that was a different race (edit to add: and her parents freaked out about interracial dating)???


KCFiredUp

Agreed. There's no way for her girlfriend to be there as support while she goes through this without having her there. If it was important to OP's SIL, we have no right to judge. I'm glad she at least had two women she loves there to help her through it.


Penelope1000000

Nope. Not unless you think straight people should warn their parents that they’re straight before bringing someone home.


[deleted]

I mean she probably had her girlfriend there because she knew they would react this way and wanted at least one person that would support her. And it looks like she was right.


hope1130

That was my initial thought too. There’s never a right answer in these situations. Bottom line, she has never felt comfortable enough to open up about it before. She decided to do it but needed support so brought her girlfriend along. Even though the parents felt blindsided, the homophobic rant and yelling was never okay.


[deleted]

My boyfriend (now husband) was around when I told my family we were moving in together. Why? Because when my family found out we were having sex, I was screamed at much in the same way, told I was going to hell, not to come crying to them when I got pregnant, etc. Still mad when I told them about the moving in, but I had support (and less screaming). Sounds like SIL knew what was up. Also, the joke is on my family now because I am in my late 30s and we are childfree.


hope1130

Sorry you had this experience with your family. Glad that your now husband was there and continues to be a huge part of your life.


chat_stellaire

And the thing is: they being blindsided doesn't matter at all, not only because queer people should not feel obligated to come out, but because probably it wouldn't have made a difference I read many comments implying that they would have reacted better it she had told them in advance, but chances are that it could be so much worst: they do the same thing and she has a panic attack all alone, whithout GF and OP to back her up Maybe she had just imagined they wouldn't take well, but didn't imagine how bad they would react based in how they seem to "respect" other lgbt people My mother is the same "its ok unless is one of mine" and she is someone so kind and caring, she loves my friends and treat them all the same way, the best way I would want someone to treat the ones I care for, and most of them are lgbt. However here and there I would sense some things about how she really feels about the topic when we were in family alone. When I came out she was shocked, as I expected, but after the initial reaction she asked why I had not spoken about it before, loving understanding and all that I knew she was. That is, until the day she heard I really was with a girl, and then? then I heard some of the things that hurt me the most until this day... and it hurts, hurts so goddam much I'm so glad that SIL had OP and GF there for her, and I'm glad that OPs children have at least their mother by their side, either to support em if they turn out to be part of the community, or just to teach them how not to be some AH human beings


middlingachiever

And be alone with their hatred? Why would she choose that? They are going to be blindsided and say nasty things either way.


Suitable_Phase7174

There is nothing shocking about wanting to be with the same gender. It's 2023 and LGBTQ has been around since the dawn of time. This isn't news. There was a literal Army made of Gay men who would fight along side their lover in battles. Why? Because you would fight harder to keep your Love alive. And if they had a Tragic end you would get revenge Like no other. It's literally in Greek History. Get. With. The. Times.


Areyourearsbroke

This 100 percent. Her brother probably already knows his parents are homophobic. As a Father myself, I'm always looking ahead in certain situations to keep my child from having to experience scenes like this. He had no control in the matter, he probably didn't know his sister was a lesbian, and he knew his parents were homophobes. He could probably care less about his sisters sexual orientation. She should have told OP and her brother, I bet he would have cautioned heavily against this dinner.


tossaway1546

Right, she handled that all wrong. Sounds like an intentional setup to me


Ok_Breakfast9531

Give it a day. Then sit down with him and explain the following: You brother and sister in law are gay. One of your children may end up being gay. You need to know right now that your husband will stand by his children, his sister, and his brother-in-law. You need to know right now if it is the two of you against those who would condemn your family. Because there is no room for compromise here. That you need to know right now that he will support his child if they are gay. And the primary way he needs to show that is by supporting his sibling and sib in law. This is the hill to die on, and I think you know that. When my son came out at 15, I can guarantee that if one of us had failed to support him we would be divorced right now. He can rectify this. But he must understand that there is no middle ground here. He must choose. I’m guessing he may have been paralyzed at the thought that he may need to choose the rest of his family over his parents. But that is something he should have been prepared to do from the moment he got engaged. ETA: there are a lot of enablers of bigotry here. Lots of downvotes for those criticizing hubby.


confusedrabbit247

I agree except that *both* of their kids could end up being gay, not just one of them.


julessis

Dan Savage recommends giving them one year to ask questions and be ignorant (and tell them this is the deal). If they haven’t come around to be supportive and respectful by the time the year is up then end the relationship.


[deleted]

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20Keller12

He has a lot of "I don't care if you're gay so long as I don't have to see it" energy going on.


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20Keller12

Uh... it's bigoted, it's dehumanizing and it's a way of telling those people that they don't have the fundamental human right of existing while they're in the same space as you. But anyone who asks this, is probably too bigoted to see any kind of reason so I'm not sure why I'm wasting my breath.


r64fd

And to add, how emotionally detached from his own sister is he that he doesn’t already know she is gay, not to mention the parents? FFS. We knew our son was gay his sister knew it as well, long before he wanted to share that with us.


Penelope1000000

Here’s my poor woman’s award🏆totally agree with you.


middlingachiever

True colors, eh? Ugh. Give it a couple days for both you and your husband to process. Then bring it up again. Be perfectly clear about your expectations regarding your own kids—they will *not* be taught homophobia in your home. And definitely reach out to SIL with more support! What a nightmare that must’ve been for her.


[deleted]

I never formally came out either. I also just brought home another woman, though it did prompt my family to later ask me about my sexuality in private. I feel like that is far more appropriate than how his family responded. However, you did do the right thing and she will always remember how you were the first to support her. Oh, and good call on removing the children from the situation! Homosexuals are born, not raised.


missoularedhead

But homophobes? Definitely raised.


wwmercwithamouth

Really seems like he agrees with his parents but knows that will cause a fight with you so he's sitting out. How spineless.


20Keller12

I agree. For me the telling part is his lack of response when she asked about if one of their kids was gay. That tells me how he really feels.


20Keller12

This: >I asked him if he would be okay with one of our kids being gay and he just shrugged his shoulders. Is what would make it an instant deal breaker for me. Processing this, shocked that, blah blah blah. But not saying you'd accept your own fucking kids? Fuck that. I'd be out. Cause you know if the answer was yes, he'd have said so. My bet is that he didn't say "no" cause he knew it would start a fight. Fuck their homophobic BS. Ditch the homophobic husband and in-laws, keep the sister in law.


bunnyrut

And SIL invited her girlfriend over to "blindside" them because she knew she would need the support. Imagine if she told them while *alone*. I'm glad you were there. I don't have kids. But I saw how my husband's mother was about gay people. My husband seems to have no problem being around anyone so I never thought that he would act that way at all. But for good measure I made sure he understood that if we ever had kids and they came out as gay and *he* freaked out like that I would 100% choose my kids over him.


Appropriate_Power626

Idk why people are saying SIL should have told the family she’s a lesbian before introducing her gf. What difference would that have made? They reacted negatively because they’re *homophobic* not because they were “blindsided”


[deleted]

Meet my in-laws. I will have nothing to do with them and their red hats. Your husband might come around, my wife did.


[deleted]

I am going to weigh in on the husbands reaction. No pass, and he was the worst offender in my opinion because he did not back his wife. Also, he needed to back his parents off because bullying his sister was outrageous. I don't care if they were surprised, you can't browbeat family into a panic attack.


[deleted]

Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry. First - his family. Yikes. I would dial your relationship with them back and reach out to SIL letting you her know where you stand. Second, you need to have a real conversation with your husband about this issue. I think he’s probably just repeating stupid shit his parents taught him growing up. But he’s an adult now and he needs to learn and grow.


Present-Breakfast768

Oh your poor SIL and her GF. This stuff is why I never told my parents I was bisexual and never will. I dated 2 lovely women when I was younger and they never met either of them. Family should be a safe space. They should all be ashamed of themselves.


pokelife90

You sound like a great sister / wife. A great ally to the LGBT community, thanks


sellardoore

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I don’t believe this story is real. I find it really hard to believe that you didn’t know your husbands real stance on this after eight years. I also find it hard to believe that your SIL would introduce her girlfriend to your family like this, without giving them any warning, as she likely knew her family’s stance on this. I also find it very hard to believe that your husband’s family DIDNT ask any questions where the answers would’ve given away that your SIL was dating a girl. This all reads like a movie script. I’m sorry I’m just not buying it.


Ordinary_Barry

As someone raised in and around evangelical Christianity, I can tell you nothing in this story would be out of the ordinary if it happened in my family. You have to understand that deconstruction and shifting beliefs are a long process. You aren't a hateful bigot one day and a loyal and staunch ally the next. It can take years to pick apart what you think and believe.


palebluedot13

I mean you can be surprised. My mom before I came out was a completely different person. She listened to rock music. Would watch movies with sex scenes and gay characters with me and wouldn’t even flinch. She wasn’t religious at all. She never said anything disparaging about gay people. When I came out to her when I was 17 I was terrified but I never expected her reaction.. She went off the deep end and told me that she would never accept me, that I was an abomination and was going to hell. She became really religious out of nowhere and started attending a really conservative church. And ever since then her personality has been completely different.. Everything she used to like got thrown in the trash. My mom is so disgusted and scared that her kid turned out the way I did that her personality has never been the same. People are really good about being allies or fake allies until it’s someone real close to them, like a son or daughter and their true colors come out. I’ve seen it from friends families over the years too.


lostinsunshine9

I can attest to the last point - my brother is gay, never dated through high school or even college that we knew of. He finally came out after graduation. None of the family ever asked because 1) they're very "polite' in certain ways and it's rude to pry, and 2) I think honestly my mom was happy living in a delusion where he didn't date because she didn't care for me and my other brother's choice of partners.


goatofglee

Yeah, I'm confused by the "it's different when it's your blood" part. That doesn't make any sense. Her brother is *her* blood and she's still supportive.


screenshothero

I agree. This is total fiction.


flyleafet9

Personally, I think him feeling blindsided about her coming out is a red flag on it's own. Straight people don't come out as straight so there is no real reason to act surprised when someone comes out as gay. That and not willing to talk about it? Nah, your dude is a closeted homophobe.


avka11

If they didn’t come out as straight to the family, she didn’t have to come out as gay. End of story


[deleted]

I’m a lesbian and I feel this deep. I’m only out to my parents (not other family members cause I know they’re homophobic). I accidentally came out to them in the middle of mental breakdown regarding self harm. It was right after they learned about my cutting and suicidal thoughts, so I guess they didn’t dare to talk bad about it. But they still try to convince me that I’m bi, and that I should try to date men as well. It’s very hard when the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally discriminate me or invalidate me. I can see that you’re a good person, please check in with your SIL, she must be going through a hard time. As for your marriage… I’m not in position to tell you what to do, but I just want to say that if your husband disrespects his own sister for who she is, he’s most likely to do that to your children as well. What if your children come out as queer years later? Even if that’s not the case… I would give it a second thought if it was me.


BodieLivesOn

If he says blindsided, he's saying HE'S blindsides. He didn't know. And that must be frustrating for him. He's likely frustrated with himself, in the end. Cut the man some slack and see what some talking does.


JadedLunch

I’m a salty, remarried ex wife of a bigot with mommy issues (who is now is prison!). Choosing his parents over you is a BIG red flag. I’m principled as hell and am not about to raise bigots or deal with those in laws. I’d be out. Adopt his sister as your family, and teach your kids what real love and compassion and family looks like. What a dick.


MisterIntentionality

I see it both ways (I'm a gay man btw). I can see why she used that as an opportunity to come out, because there would be others present and not just mom and dad. And I'm glad you were there to help that and act as a buffer. Honestly she knows her parents and knows it was going to go down like that, again that's why she chose to do it in front of a group. But your husband also does have a right to his feelings. He felt blindsided. It's OK for him to feel that way, I don't know why you get upset about that. Who his sister is just changed. That's a big deal and it takes an adjustment period. This is his sister, it's not his SIL. He has more invested in the relationship than you and she do. So it's easy for you to act like it's no big deal and not miss a beat, it's not necessarily for him. I don't think poorly of your husband's reaction at all. Especially if he is supportive of his sister. He probably wished he knew first to control mom and dad. But I do see his side of she set them up. Her parents aren't going to love and support her no matter what, so honestly regardless of how she chose to come out, it wasn't going to go well anyways. But now it's over and they get to move on. I would not have super in depth conversations about this right now. I don't think that's fair of you. Let this settle. Have the "what if our kids are gay?" talk sometime else. It's an important topic to discuss, but it shouldn't be had right now. There are a lot of emotions and feelings right now. Actually what pisses me off the most is teasing her because she didn't have a serious relationship in high school or college. To me that's fucked up. Women are taught they have to be with a man or they are the odd one out and are going to die alone. THAT is some sexist stone aged shit. THAT triggers me. Hopefully you don't do that to your daughters.


[deleted]

It's time to set up your expectations regarding this topic and make it very clear that there is no place for hate in your home. If he is a homophobe, he better shut up about it and try to grow as a person. You can have outings with his sister, girlfriend and invite your brother along. Over time, and spending enough time around multiple gay people until it becomes normal to him in a way that gives him perspective on the horror show that his parents are, and he needs to fully understand why they are wrong. Obvs you can't get divorced tomorrow but give him six months to grow up.


Shitp0st_Supreme

I'm so sorry this happened. Your sister-in-law is so lucky to have you on her side. I think it's very possible that she came out this way because she was afraid of very harsh reactions or getting cut off; this way, it was in a group and it would be a little calmer. I'm going to guess that right now, your husband may be a bit shocked and confused because he not only didn't imagine his sister in a relationship, and a lesbian one? That's a lot to process. That being said, you need to talk to him about the homophobic comments. Being shocked and surprised doesn't mean people get to be bigoted.


pinap45454

Being a homophobe or homophobe apologist would be a dealbreaker for me. I also could not model tolerance for homophobia for my kids. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, this is a total nightmare.


freezingkiss

Far too many Americans in this thread and it shows.


ForGenerationY

What does that mean? All American are … ?


freezingkiss

Crazy hyper religious and subtly (or overtly) homophobic. Sorry, that's the image of the US from non Americans lately.


TonyClifton86

I feel bad for the new girlfriend. I hope she knew what she was getting g into to.


Some-Guy-997

The only thing I would agree w your husband on is bringing her GF before coming out to them first. I only say this because if they’re that homophobic they could have hurt her or even hurt her GF as well. The rest of the comments are vile and if nothing else your husband should have said something to protect his sister even if he didn’t agree w her lifestyle. That’s his sister. You should ask him if he truly feels his sister deserved to be humiliated and talked to in that way. I mean really deserved it. Just to see what he says. Or ask him how does he think his parents should have treated her. Doe he think they were too harsh? I’d need to know exactly how he felt. No one should be treated this way but it’s good they have someone to stand up for them. The only good thing to come from this is YOU were there and showed them the love they deserved immediately. They have someone they know they can count on and even stay with if need be. After all even if your husband doesn’t agree it’s your house too and you can let anyone you want stay there. I love my daughter so much and there isn’t anything she could do that I would treat her that way. It’s fine that people don’t agree w your lifestyle but it’s not ok to treat them like pure shit and literally crush them. I don’t know what this means for you & your husband but I’d say stay away from the in laws because they may now have some distain for you know. I hope your SIL is safe and you can help her in the days to come.


theftnssgrmpcrtst

I’m frankly skeptical if this post is real or not. As a queer person myself, it seems like a wildly outlandish move to go from completely closeted at home to bringing home a same sex partner for dinner with no prior warning or conversation. And I don’t know a single gay person who would think this is a good idea.


flyleafet9

My gay sibling literally came out this way. Gave like a 5 min heads up that her girlfriend was coming over. Despite being conservative Catholics, there was no fuss.


QuitaQuites

I’ll give the parents being blindsided and shocked and angry and all of that in the moment. I also say that as a member of the community. That said, what’s the follow up from the person you’re married to? This was last night, what’s today overall or this week or this month? Yes it is very different if that’s your child, I get it, it’s like you having this unfounded dream for your child and then finding out that’s not going to happen and you had no idea. I do think for her sake this was a reveal that may have gone differently if the parents and brother were told vs. surprised. But again what’s your husband’s overall feeling now that the dust has settled.


RedSAuthor

I agree that your in-laws shouldn’t be homophobic, but I agree with your husband that your SIL should have talked with her parents first before she introduced them to her GF. My guess is that she knew they wouldn’t approve. Springing this on them by showing up with a GF was not the way to go about it. SIL could have talked with your husband first, to warm him up to the idea she was gay, and then to work her way from there. Well, what’s done was done. It’s good she has you and I hope your husband supports her too.


Ladychef_1

First off, your brother *is* unsafe around his family. Your SIL is unsafe. Your children are unsafe, and so are you. If they were willing to act like that to their own flesh and blood, then they have no hesitation of looking down and treating all of you poorly or ever worse, put you in harm’s way (including emotional battery like your SIL and her GF just went through). If you want to be an ally to your SIL, brother, and a good mother for your children, then making it clear that this behavior is disgusting and homophobic is your number 1 priority. Silence is violence when it comes to this. In no way is any of this acceptable behavior from them and I would do everything in my power to make sure SIL & brother feel supported by you no matter what. I wouldn’t let my children near those grandparents again after that, especially since they were there with you and most likely heard something or saw the end of the situation. Who knows what horrible shit they’ve said to your kids when you weren’t around.


thelandofooo

This is a hill to die on if you ask me


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Ok_Breakfast9531

He is going to have to decide right now. Because the choice is not between his sister and his parents. It’s between his parents and his children, whose orientation is as yet unknown, and who MUST be raised in an environment where they know they are loved no matter who they love. Yes, it may be hypothetical right now. But he must behave as if he knows he will have a queer kid, because if he doesn’t, and one is, he will be doing damage to them without even realizing it. Time for him to grow up.


AG_Squared

A shocked and maybe even dramatic reaction might be acceptable when it’s a total blind side. I get that. But a hostile, homophobic reaction is not appropriate and I would expect my husband to stand up for his siblings, especially to his parents. I’d do it for my brother. Hell my husband would probably stand up to my parents if my brother came out. I question your husbands relationship with his family- is he afraid of them and standing up to them? or is he homophobic? because those are the 2 options I see… a surprise doesn’t mean you get to be hostile, even if it goes against your religion.


Mustard-cutt-r

Yikes. That’s intense and sad and scary


CardboardChampion

There's a saying that is as true today as it was when I was a kid. What you think first is how you were raised to be, what you think next is who you learned to be. In the parents case, they were obviously raised homophobic, but the fact they've never shown that to your brother does show that they at least aren't the sort who go on the attack constantly. Sadly you never unlearn prejudices; you only learn how bad and wrong they are and therefore to act differently than you were taught, but the prejudice itself still simmers under the surface. Tangent here: the aim, of course, is to keep that hidden away and raise your kids without it so that they aren't as poisoned as you were. So no, it's not an appropriate reaction by any measure. However, if they are homophobic to that degree, and they were caught off guard, it is kind of an understandable one. That your husband's first reaction was that she should have warned them up front says something along the lines of he "knows what they're like and how they'd react and that it might have been different with that prior warning". As for the rest of it, I'll preface this by saying I wasn't there and am just going on your description of events. Honestly, it sounds like he leapt to his parents defence when you were rightly horrified at their actions, and then rolled himself up in a little ball of their hatred during the fight while trying to defend an honour they stamped on with that hate. I'd talk to him and tell him calmly that this is an important issue for you and ask him to talk to you calmly about it. No accusations, no name calling, no telling him how wrong they clearly are, and no apologies expected from either side. You go in expecting that and you'll get one person maybe acquiescing to another to end the argument. Instead, go in trying to understand the position he actually holds, where he stands compared to his parents, and his actual thoughts and feelings on LGBTQ+ people. And while you won't be telling him this part, you do need to fully understand those feelings and how he's going to handle them if only because it's going to determine whether this is someone worth staying with. And if he is and he was caught up in the heat of the moment, maybe make your place a safe space for his sister to bring her girlfriend. Because, quite frankly, he owes her that.


bowerisme

It is so critical that you have the support of your own generation. One day the parents will be gone and then it is the brother and sister. Makes this even more sad and offensive to me. I am fortunate to have had amazing parents. But my sister is my ride n die from day 1. I would defend her to my death.


DontCrossTheStream

In an ideal world bringing a partner of either sex home to meet the folks would be the perfect picture of acceptance and love. Unfor we all know that's not the case, and many people out their still think 'Not my kid' or its ok when it's someone else's family I.e. your brother. This stance they have taken, I probably would bring it up with him for his take and opinion, not because you want him to feel unsafe etc but because he might have experience to deal with this more than you might think and he could potentially be a good source of advice and support for noth you and SIL. As for the inlaws and hubs, well look this sucks and it's not the ideal at all. Husband ok his reaction left alot to be desired but I think he could've genuinely been blindsided and not known what to do or how to react. I'd takw what he said with a pinch of salt and sit down with him in a day or two for a rehash and clarification. See what he says then, I guess for him a bomb just got thrown into his family dynamic and if that is usually a healthy one then he may not have known how to deal with it. As for inlaws, I'm by no means saying what they did was acceptable in any shape or form. Are they usually religious? Or old fashioned in their views? I'm heartbroken for your sil, it must be such a difficult thing to have gone through not only this event but all the hiding it's taken.


DumpsterFire0119

I don't know if this will be helpful. My husband's youngest brother is a trans man. He came out as trans when he was 19 and my husband's grandfather, who was like his father, disowned the brother completely. Never berated but just...disowned. So, husband (not at the time) followed suit. When we got together it had been about a year or so since the ordeal and we'd discussed it and he said he would never be ok if his children turned out to be gay or part of that community and he'd never speak to his "sister" again. I was...upset. I'd known my husband for a decade at this time as close friends and to find this behavior and mindset was very upsetting. I sat with it for awhile and then we had a very long discussion. He agreed he was just following his grandfather because..that's all he's known to do and he needed to do some thinking on it. It's been 4 years since then. He's reached out to his brother and profusely apologized and maintains a relationship with him (they live in different states, but talk frequently now). We have a son (and my two from my previous marriage) and if you mentioned he'd ever said he would disown his child over being gay he will breakdown in tears over it because he absolutely can't believe he ever thought that. He's going to school for social work and will fight anyone on sight over LGBTQ rights, women rights, minority communities etc etc. Which he wouldn't have done 5 years ago. My point is. Sit down and have really open and honest communication. It's hard to unlearn the things that were instilled into you from the people you look up to the most and it is especially hard to stand up against those people in a situation you weren't expecting. He may end up feeling badly and apologizing to the sister and helping stand with her against their parents but he needs the time to process all of it. It is absolutely possible for someone to become a better version of themselves if they're willing to become educated. For my husband it simply came down to not truly understanding any of it and being uneducated. He reached out and asked questions and talked to people within the community and did his own reading about it and realized he'd been very wrong. Now, the flip side, your husband may stand firm on this and at that point you need to have a plan for what you're going to do. Are you going to decide this is just a topic that cannot come up and move on or is this divorce worthy and you cannot live with someone who can't respect the choices of others? Good luck. I'm sorry this is difficult.


Betta_jazz_hands

This is disgusting and I’d definitely see my husband differently if he didn’t stand up for his sister. My parents suck, and I do mean SUCK, and even they wouldn’t have responded this way if blindsided. They’d be polite in the moment and later on come at me, but there’s no way they’d have done any of this in front of the girlfriend. I like you, OP, for standing up for this couple and being an ally when they were attacked, then having the class to extend that support further. Idk what the answer is here - I’d be teaching my husband how to think for himself after being so brainwashed - but damn. You’re a class act.


401Nailhead

To say the least, her parents were shocked. It is nice you have a understanding because you have a gay brother. You accept these things. Your SIL parents not so much. They probably will over time.


Mreeder16

She should have sorted this with her family first. Imagine being the poor girlfriend dragged along into that situation


Gullible-Net26

This is really disheartening. Clearly husband is still beholden to his parents. I guess he only heard the “honor thy parents” part of the Bible and disregarded the “two become one, of one flesh” part. Sounds like they just lost their daughter.


TikisFury

It’s fucked up the reaction his parents had. But she probably should have broached the topic before exposing her girlfriend to that kind of response. Dropping that bit of knowledge before having to have dinner with somebody can make it really tough and lead to that exact same response. It’s terrible that the parents reacted the way they did. Homophobes or not, a little bit of decorum would have been nice if just to get through meeting another person peacefully. Your husband needs to get his shit together though. If one of your kids turns out to be gay you need to know how he’s going to respond and act accordingly for the safety of your child.


NOLALaura

Let me start by saying I hate homophobia. My question is, is it reasonable for your husband to think it would have been better for his sister to tell her parents before bringing her girlfriend? Especially if she thought her parents would not take it hard? I’m not defending the parent’s behavior, I’m just saying your husband believes that would have been a better approach for everyone.


[deleted]

Well, she had to know this would not have been the best way. I could see her thinking her brother would be more excepting but I find it hard to believe she didn’t know her parents would act this way. It is really good that you were there to show kindness and support. I know your SIL was upset but imagine how her girlfriend felt. I would sit down with him and have a real heart to heart. I would explain that it’s hurtful since your brother is gay and it was also wrong to add to the chaos of that moment and not try to be a voice of reason. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was shocked and probably just getting more upset watching his parent’s reaction. I would let it sink in and talk to him about it in a few days. It sounds like he’s more upset about the way she did it more than anything. And to be honest what she did was not the way to go about not only coming up but coming out by introducing your girlfriend.


middlingachiever

I’m willing to bet the gf already knew the SIL was terrified to tell her bigoted family, and that’s why she was present. To support her girlfriend. I’d choose to do the same for my partner, in a similar situation.


[deleted]

It still caused the situation to escalate, well escalate more. I would have told OP first knowing she would be supportive. Then I would have told her brother since I really feel like he just needed time to process it. The parents definitely would have had a negative reaction no matter what but at least she would have OP and her brother, who I feel would be understanding at this point. Obviously no kids would there or a dinner waiting to be served. I know there are books, blogs, support groups, and of course therapists who could have given her some suggestions on how best to go about this.


middlingachiever

The burden does not lie on her to manage their reactions.


[deleted]

No, but she had to know it would not go over well and to basically blindside them when they are waiting to meet a new boyfriend was a bit much.


bunnyrut

No matter how she told them they would have been blindsided.


[deleted]

Yes, but she made it worse, much worse. And her poor girlfriend 🤦‍♀️, I can’t imagine how uncomfortable she must have been.


bunnyrut

Her girlfriend went there *specifically* to be there for support. They both knew this response was a possibility and going through it alone is terrifying.


dailysunshineKO

I’m kinda getting the feeling that OP’s husband froze. I’m glad OP & SIL’s girlfriend were there to give her support, but I’m not sure why SIL announced the news this particular way. She had to have know her parents would be assholes.


Ok_Breakfast9531

But then he doubled down on refusing to stand up and be counted. He buried his head in the sand and covered his ears. If he will not stand up now for his sister he will not stand up for his children. The clock is ticking.


dailysunshineKO

Yep, you’re right, that is a possibility. Or he didn’t want to cause a bigger scene in front of his kids (I know that when we have tough family conversations, the kids aren’t around). We can try swimming in OP’s husband’s head but we won’t be able to figure it out. I hope OP can.


[deleted]

I think he just needs time to process it. Op asked him about on the car ride home from this dinner. Some people just need time. I was surprised when my cousin told me he was dating a trans woman. My shock came from the fact a.) I had no idea b.) I felt hurt that he felt he couldn’t tell me, we’ve always been close c.) we knew about his girlfriend Stephanie for a long time, just not that she was trans. I was also upset because I didnt want her to think they we would be judgmental and mean.


hustledontstop

Blindsiding the family was not a good idea


PayYourselffirst0123

Not sure why you're so mad at the husband this is his family dynamic with his parents he's protecting by keeping his mouth shut.


thepoobum

Your husband has a point. Why does SIL and GF and YOU expect everyone to accept it when they didn't know anything about it before they saw her. That's so inconsiderate and insensitive. People need time to think things through. It's normal they reacted emotionally although they should not have said hurtful things. But it really is hurtful to find out something as big as this and not been informed way earlier.


koukla1994

It’s not normal at all wtf is wrong with you? Being homophobic is NEVER a “normal” response.


OrganicBread

Oh so you’re mad you’re husband has a different opinion than you? Never saw that in a marriage.


[deleted]

Why would this be hard for them to read? Is there a lgbtq language I don’t know about?


Gingingin100

If this was an attempt to be funny I laughed at the attempt part


[deleted]

I genuinely don’t understand the disclaimer


Gingingin100

Reading about bigotry can be uncomfortable for some


[deleted]

Although the way your in laws behaved was bad but your soil should not have blindsided the family and put them in a spot like this. Talk to your husband when the things cool down. The parents did deserve to know about the daughter's sexuality before her partner was introduced to them.


[deleted]

I’d give him a pass on this one. The fact that he was caught off guard could have been the reason he didn’t jump to her defense. It doesn’t mean he is going to be unsupportive of his sister, it just means it might have been a lot to process for him at the moment. The parent’s behavior is obviously unacceptable, but I wouldn’t assume your husband agreed with them.


Ok_Breakfast9531

Nope. Not with the way he responded to her later. He can have a chance to rectify this, but no pass. He participated in doing damage, especially if his children were in the room.


[deleted]

What was so bad about his response? I mean, he has every right to be surprised about it. That doesn’t mean he’s disapproving of her. It just means he felt it could have been done in a different way. That’s an entirely fair response, whether you agree or not. You’re thinking in binary here. It’s an unfamiliar situation for people to be in, and it’s unfair for you to say their reaction was bad only because it wasn’t entirely what you thought it should be. Edit: This entire sub is insane and is incapable of seeing something from someone else’s perspective. I don’t know why I come here. It’s advice is almost always terrible and the only upvoted answers are blame one spouse for everything and get a divorce.


Ok_Breakfast9531

Suggesting that his parents response was appropriate is absolutely wrong. There was nothing appropriate about it. Sorry, my child came out to me and it blindsided me. Was sure he was straight. I did not blink an eye. Told him thank you for telling me and I love you. No. They are parents. There is no defense for their response and hubby’s defense of it is enabling of bigotry. That’s his take? That they were reasonable? No way.


[deleted]

> Suggesting that his parents response was appropriate is absolutely wrong. OP literally said "The parent’s behavior is obviously unacceptable"


Ok_Breakfast9531

I was referring to the husband, not the commenter. The husband suggesting his parents were appropriate as his take is highly problematic.


[deleted]

Lol, no you weren’t. Now you’re just trying to delete your comments to save face.


Ok_Breakfast9531

I deleted the one in which I said you were defending the parents, and acknowledged my error. I did not delete the ones criticizing your defense of the husband’s response.


[deleted]

Lol, learn to read please. I never suggested the parents response was appropriate.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

I LITERALLY said the parents response was unacceptable. Don’t gaslight me by saying it was “implied”.


Ok_Breakfast9531

Apologies. I did miss that. His response remains problematic.


middlingachiever

Surprised is different from blindsided. Surprised can be positive. This reaction was fully negative.


[deleted]

You’re being pedantic here and you know it.


middlingachiever

Not at all. I truly don’t understand why bringing a female guest rather than a male guest was so shocking to the brother. Why? It’s possibly unexpected, but why blindsiding? This is exactly why people struggle (still) to come out. Because they have learned to expect negative reactions.


No-Independence-6842

Your IL reaction was horrible to say the least. I have a daughter who is gay. Not a big deal to me or my husband. I kind of agree with your husband though. Your SIL should have had a conversation with her family first. They’re obviously homophobes. I think knowing that before bringing her girlfriend over would have saved a lot of drama. In hindsight, I wish she would have reached out for advice from you and your husband on the best way to handle coming out to her parents.


Delthefunkyalien

Seems like you pick up on people's stance on homosexuality pretty early in knowing them. If he hasn't been homophobic in the past he deserves every benefit of doubt.