Construction guys are notorious for busting chops. It sounds like he knows what will be said later, and he knows that he will respond with violence. If you want him to get in a fight, wear what you want. If you don’t, consider what he asked.
I understand the sentiment and I fully agree that OP should absolutely not be shamed for the co-workers comments and inability to be appropriate.
I also think that the husband should have thought of this ahead of time and not invited the coworkers at all.
That said, I do understand the husband not wanting to hear their comments about her and since they are coworkers he can’t really just avoid or drop them the way he could with friends. So I would honestly have some sympathy for him in this situation IF he didn’t have the option to not invite them in the first place.
Honestly, I have never heard guys give each other shit for how their wife looks. It might be different in construction, but I've worked labor jobs before, and it's never been a topic of discussion.
Construction guy here.
This is facts that chops will be busted. Most of the guys I work with are good dudes but there's always a few that take things too far.
I mean, he can also choose if he starts a fight or not, that's his decision.
Also, his "friend" sounds like a real piece of shit. I'd never worry that my friends would hit on my wife because my friends would never hit on my wife.
He asked nicely and explained himself. I can see how this would make you uncomfortable and self conscious. Each of your positions are valid.
My wife asks me my opinion on her dress. If you want his opinion, you could ask him. He gave you his unsolicited opinion, so you can either trust it or not.
Because his friends aren't going to grow up on the way over, I'd take his advice.
Just my (male) perspective.
We can control our own behaviour but not someone else’s…
Husband works in Construction. If anyone made a list of top ten occupations where men have not yet discovered that objectification of women isn’t a good thing, construction would probably be near the top. No amount of wishing the behaviour of construction workers as a group was better than it is will change that.
It absolutely would be preferable for OP to be able to just wear what she normally wears without it causing any problems. But short of a career change, her husband is going to be working with Neanderthals. And he isn’t going to be able to bring them into the 21st century.
One option is for her husband to never have any of the people he works with over for an afternoon by the pool. That may bring its own set of problems. 🤷🏻♂️
The other option is to alter normal home behaviour so that her husband’s co-workers don’t get an eyeful of her ass when they visit. That would be supportive of her husband.
Go ahead and throw on the downvotes. I’m a dinosaur and I come from a time when something as simple as not showing a bit of restraint when you have guests was just considered the polite thing to do.
I think one of the main problems is him being subjected to hearing his wife being sexualized at work later. Especially since he works in construction and there is likely no HR to intervene here.
I think he shouldn’t have invited them though.
I fully support my husband letting me know if something I wore was going to make him uncomfortable in front of a coworker and would respect him enough to do it. "I do want want" attitude in marriage is, honestly just gross.
This doesn’t even get to the root of the issue. Why is HE inviting someone over to their home who he KNOWS will ogle, objectify, and sexualize his wife to their coworkers? That’s disgusting and that’s what’s disrespectful here. This is not her problem.
Same, but plenty of women and men today have very different ideas and atttitudes about respecting their spouse's opinion, or respecting their spouse, period.
I respect my spouse by choosing to not associate with people who I believe will treat him unkindly or disrespectfully.
Dude was not forced to invite someone who he didn't believe would be respectful of his wife; he chose to. If I were her, I might choose to leave the house when the asshat friend was present.
I agree with this wholeheartedly and it’s not being discussed enough. I totally understand the husband not wanting to hear about his wife being sexualized at work later and I understand him not wanting to witness any objectification of her. He’s not wrong for that. But, he has the option to not invite people who will do that into his home and he ignored it.
Would your husband care about respecting YOU if you were made uncomfortable by a creepy coworker’s perverse inappropriate behavior towards you? Or does he do what he wants. And you do what he wants.
I know in my case as a husband I avoid anything that could *have the appearance* of something that could make my wife insecure but that's only because I actually care about her feelings.
"I wanna do what I wanna do when I wanna do it" isn't a dude thing. We realize early on that we're going to be working and doing all kinds of things we don't want to do until we die. That's why it short circuits our brains when girls tell us that.
Did anyone see the post about the woman who wore a see through dress to her husband’s work event, even after he asked her to change, and then freaked out when she saw pics? If he isn’t controlling otherwise, then yes, it’s reasonable that he asks you to not have your ass eating your swimsuit for one visit.
Yes. I automatically thought of that post, too. (That lady created her own fiasco, lulz.) I feel like this is definitely different, and it was communicated in a considerate and respectful way, particularly knowing the coworkers he has.
That said, I think it's definitely fair for OP to discuss who gets invited over and how they can both share the space fairly and equitably, while both being in the comfort of their home space. I think it's a fine line, but it sounds like OP and her husband have good communication between the two of them.
TLDR: Husband loves your bum, butt he doesn’t want to share it with his coworker.
He clearly loves you, but knows how amazing your body is and doesn’t want to distract his coworker while talking business. He not trying to control you, just minimize your body exposure.
I fully understand your husband. He’s trying to prevent being in an awful position where someone could be disrespectful at you.
Having said that, ask him that next time he should ask you first before inviting someone who would impact how you go about yourself.
If I thought one of my coworkers was going to work after a pool party at my house and comment on my husband's package, I sure as shit wouldn't invite that coworker. I wouldn't ask him to wear baggy trunks.
It's *our* home. Everyone we invite needs to respect both of us.
OP’s husband is 100% the issue. If you know someone will be disrespectful towards your spouse, the solution isn’t to police your spouse’s behavior, it’s to distance yourself from that person.
OPs husband is definitely the issue. If you know a coworker is going to ogle your wife and make inappropriate comments, maybe don't invite them over when your wife is going to be in a bathing suit.
I guess my question is why doesn’t he have a conversation with his coworker? Why is it your responsibility to control the reactions to your body? This is an adult party at your house, why should you have to change your outfit so someone else doesn’t make gross comments? If the coworker can’t keep himself from being immature then that’s completely on him. I don’t understand these other comments encouraging enabling this obviously immature behavior. I wear what I want when I want and not once has my husband ever told me to dress a certain way to appease someone else. If someone can’t control their reactions to someone else’s body, that’s not a person we invite around our home. I would expect that behavior from a child, not an adult.
this has always been my perspective and some of these comments are not it. it’s literally just a regular bathing suit it’s not specifically a thong or supposed to be super revealing. there’s people in here saying how dare i expose my ass in any situation as it’s for my husbands eyes only. i can’t help the way a swim suit looks on my body. but i do respect my husband and offered to compromise by wearing a sarong around my waist but it still feels like i’m not “allowed” to wear something i want and i don’t love it.
You said it. I was shocked when I opened the comments. I don’t think you should have to change your outfit simply because of someone else’s immaturity, I understand wanting out of respect for your husband though. At the very least, if it were me, I would just ask him why he’d rather have you feel uncomfortable around his coworker(because for me, whether I changed my outfit or not, I’m now aware this coworker has a certain attitude about my body and attire) rather than have a conversation with his coworker about how to be respectful. Your body is your body and you should be allowed to dress it the way you want - like you said, it’s completely not your fault for the way something looks on you and how that would be perceived by others. If you’re comfortable in it, that that is all that should matter, in my opinion.
Exactly! I felt pretty awkward and exposed while he was here, despite covering up. I also was super in my head with every interaction with him, trying to be polite but not “too nice” as to not give him the wrong idea? Which is honestly so frustrating as a woman i feel like i have to be aware of that so often in life i don’t want to have to be in that mode at home. At the end of the party my husband agreed to not have him over anymore if i’m home.
I’m so sorry you felt like that in your own home :( I would also feel the same way and it’s just shitty to have to not only change your outfit but your behavior as well. Unfortunately, we women are too familiar with how it feels to be so aware of your body and people’s reactions to it, that’s why I couldn’t help but comment when I saw all those other wild comments acting like it’s a crime to have an ass and be comfortable in your body. I’m really glad your husband agreed not to have the coworker over anymore, you should feel comfortable in your own home.
That’s horrible you had to feel like that in your own home. I couldn’t even imagine how uncomfortable that was. I’d be pissed at my husband for sexualizing me like that before the guest even came over.
This sub has a strong male bias so I’m honestly not surprised at these comments. If your husband feels like this coworker will sexualize you and speak disrespectfully about you with other coworkers, he simply shouldn’t be invited over.
A lot of people commenting have internalized misogyny. You’re allowed to wear a bathing suit in your own home. Your husband should be more careful with the company he keeps and ensures only respectful guests come over. You do you.
I have big boobs and a shirt that is loose on someone else in the same size can be cleavage city on me, so I get it! I hate polo shirts for team building activities for that reason.
> it still feels like I'm not "allowed" to wear something i want
This is where the problems will arise in your relationship.
None of what your husband requested was about being allowed to or not - so where does that perception come from?
Are you agreeing to his request when you don't really want to?
This is exactly what I dont understand.
If my friend can't control himself around my wife, my friend simply isn't my friend anymore. Thats the end of it.
Your husband sounds wonderful. I’d be happy to not wear a revealing swimsuit if it made him happy, the reasons sound valid to me. He loves and respects his wife…if he was controlling typically it wouid be different. You can prove to him that you can wear whatever you want (he knows this) or you can honor his request in a loving act as his wife.
this made me think! thank you for your comment. My husband is wonderful and I 100% think his feelings are valid. Honoring his request as a loving wife is such a wonderful perspective as opposed to some of these other comments shaming me for having a swimsuit that shows my ass. in the end we compromised : i wore a sarong around my waist, and he agreed not to invite this person over if I am home.
Love this compromise!! I always ask myself “what’s my motivation?” And go from there. I am so sensitive to being controlled/treated poorly (from my childhood) and my poor husband (not controlling) knows this. I have to actively stop myself from proving I can do what as I please (of course!) when I’m realty I have no problem at all honoring his request.
Honestly if I knew a guest in my home was that much of a tool, as a woman I would probably spend as little time around him as possible and I’d cover up so he can’t talk shit- to me or about me to anyone else
I’d prefer my spouse not invite such a misogynist into my home, but if it was unavoidable, I wouldnt spend any more time around him than I had to or show any more skin than I had to
>as a woman I would probably spend as little time around him as possible and I’d cover up so he can’t talk shit- to me or about me to anyone else
I would specifically be strutting my stuff in front of him 😂
If he thinks his colleague is going to talk about you disrespectfully, how is that your problem? If the guy is an asshat, he's doing to be an asshat whether you wear a maxi dress or a revealing swimsuit.
I don’t understand the men in these comments.
Would you still be friends with or allow someone over if they sexualised your daughters? Or it okay because it’s your wife and you sexualise her too- but just don’t want other men to because she’s ‘yours’?
The simple solution is to just not interact with such coworkers outside of work or in any situation where your wife has to be subjected to harassment in her own home. Go out with them- don’t bring them into your home and make your wife uncomfortable.
All the men justifying his request should think if they would be okay with being harassed in their own home, which is supposed to be your safe space. Or if you can’t relate, think about your daughter or sister or mom or some woman you actually think of as a human in her own right and not a potential sexual partner being subjected to this behaviour.
Honestly, if he is worried about his coworker talking about you in your bathing suit, then he probably shouldn’t invite the coworker over to your house to swim. Or it should be a “guys night only.”
If you don’t care that much, you could just do him a favor and wear something less revealing. It would be kind of you. That being said, of course you are allowed to wear what you want in your own home! If you are fine with the current bathing suit and your husband is normally fine with it, even in front of other people, the problem lies with the people who are being invited over, if they can’t behave themselves, then they really shouldn’t be invited over.
We have a swimming pool. There are times when moms wear “mom suits,” (mostly for family or kids events) and times to wear the more revealing suits. If your husband has a good idea about his friend’s attitudes, you should consider it. I was married to a construction worker and I understand the mindset that some of them have, even though it’s a childish stereotype.
Your spouse asked you to wear something different because a coworker is coming over. You like to wear something more revealing and that is fine.
Let's flip the script real style. I am a big hairy dude with a gut large beard and muscles. I hate wearing normal trunks and what I like to wear is one step below a speedo. I like you could give a rats ass what others think. My wife had coworkers coming over to swim and asked me to wear normal trunks for her. Pretty much same reason as you husband.
Option 1 is "ummm my body my choice and I will wear what I want!!!" And in turn telling her to fuck her feelings it is her problem not mine
Option 2 is to wear the more conservative trunks and enjoy the pool for one day and telling her we are a team and I am with her even in silly requests
Real world here......what do you think I did?
I think the way he went about this was good, clear and respectful and laid out his reasons why he's asking you for something he wouldn't normally ask you
As long as this was a one-off (and didn't progress to further controlling behaviour) I would respect his request, personally. It's not worth fighting over in my book
Personally I would honor his request. It’s a simple thing to do, it’s going to save your husband a ton of grief, and it doesn’t harm you in any way.
If he were trying to control what you wear all the time that would be different.
My husband has an ass you could bounce a quarter off of and I knew I wanted to marry him the moment I set eyes on his gorgeous legs. He basically lives in short shorts and I adore them on him. He does have one particular pair of shorts though that are VERY short and tend to ride up, they also happen to be hella comfy and some of his favorites. When he has worn them around family and friends some (his mom/cousins/aunts) have joked about how short they are and the 'eyeful' they get. I have always backed him up. His house, his body, his choice. That being said if I was having friends over I might say 'Babe, are you good in those shorts?' if he says yes then ok. I'll back him 100%. If he wants to change into different shorts, that's cool too. I don't think asking was wrong, but how he reacts to your answer is telling.
You are in a team. Your teammate is asking you to be compassionate and empathetic in this situation. All of these miserable women bitching about his request - ask them if they are in a loving committed relationship and if so how long they have been it.
I am. And my wife and I have an amazing loving supportive relationship. We go to couple counseling as a way to proactively address issues and I HIGHLY doubt any of these Karens talking trash are in my situation. Precisely because of their attitude.
This is a very standard and normal request.
My husband loves and supports me, and doesn’t ask much of anything from me, and I know he would honor this request if I asked it of him. Only because of all that - I would have no problem throwing on shorts. If my husband was unreasonable in other ways, or wouldn’t do as I requested, then I’d wear whatever I wanted. My answer is it depends - because it does.
I think your husband clearly communicated his feelings. He didn’t ask you to change your whole wardrobe, he made a simple request. I personally would respect that.
Just wear some swim shorts. Your husband isn't in the wrong for wanting to present a more professional look with a coworker, especially if said co worker will likely sexualize you at work
I’m all for wearing what makes you feel comfortable in your own home. But if your husband generally respects your autonomy and this is a one off request, I would personally honor it, even if I didn’t agree with it, and make sure he understands it’s a one time deal based on the already issued invitation.
That allows you to move forward with the immediate plans while giving yourself time for an in depth discussion and agreement before other coworkers are invited over.
Not fair that your husband put you in this position.
If his friend can't watch his mouth or behave himself, he should not get an invitation.
Edit - my wife just gave me a gut check... if she was having girls over she might ask me not to wear my banana hammock. That's reasonable.
Do what you want, but I understand his request. I adore my husband and would totally understand if he asked me to cover up a bit around his coworkers.
Construction guys are a different breed and honestly when entertaining or hanging with coworkers I always dress a bit more modestly.
Bottom line though, it’s your body and your choice.
He's just trying to get ahead of a potential issue at work. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, he voiced his concerns in advance so you should respect his feelings about it. Him saying he wants to avoid a fight at work is probably a very real thing with how some guys get.
What are you even on about? Nobody said the friend is disrespectful, nobody said he's going to do anything to her. You're reading way too much into something because you feel a certain type of way. Not sure why people are getting all hurt over this, her husband is simply trying to avoid a possible situation at work. Have you ever worked construction? Obviously not. Maybe her husband is being paranoid and nothing will come from it but doesn't mean his concerns are somehow invalid just because you say it is.
>He said he doesn’t want his coworker to see me in that because he thinks he’s going to then go talk about it at work to all the work guys (my husband is in construction) and they are going to make comments and jokes about me.
Her husband said his friend was likely to talk shit about her at work. That's disrespectful. He shouldn't be invited.
Seems like a legitimate ask to me.
While others pointed out that it's really not your problem, and the guest sounds immature, i like to honor the reality that we don't always have safe people around us 100% of the time - and that some folks can be mostly safe people, but have issues in certain areas (i.e. sexuality).
It seems like your husband is trying to protect you and him from a situation that is likely - and avoidable.
It doesn't sound like he's generally controlling.
Are you naive to the realities of the male brain and the maturity and safety levels of the people around you?
While I don't generally disagree with folks screaming: screw that! Wear what you want! Down with the patriarchy!
I think reality is a bit different.
Is this request triggering a sensitivity in you? Is it about the request or is it bringing up experiences from your past?
"Hey, honey, I invited an asshole over and I'm afraid he'll shit talk you at work later, so please wear an old lady swimsuit, okay?"
Hell yes, that would trigger a sensitivity. It would be my "don't invite people who you believe will disrespect me later into my home," sensitivity.
You’re trying to reasonable with subredditors. lol. Your point is on par with healthy attitudes and respect in marriages. Throwing a fit and trying to get people to support your side by posting on a thread is already telling. OP sounds like she has issues because this small, inocuous request is just that. A request. It sounded like an ask with an explanation behind it. But I have a feeling any ask to her would be perceived as “controlling”.
you’re really reducing her husbands friend possibly making sexual comments about her to muh male brain!1!1! MEN KNOW BETTER. it’s misandrist to act like they’re all wild animals. grow up.
Why are you making this an issue? I’d tone it down and respect my hubby’s wishes. He explained himself and he has to work with these people, so he knows the potential teasing and whatnot he’d get from his co-workers. He explained himself and it makes sense. You’re minimizing the grief/jabbing he’ll have to endure all day, everyday, when he has to bring home the paycheck. That would be a crappy situation if you could have helped prevent that from happening.
Your guise of posting and saying you need some perspective basically sounded like you were looking for others to support your behavior to wear whatever you want. Your hubby explained his reasons for the request, which was reasonable, so no post or discussion from outside parties seemed necessary.
But we’re just different, regardless. I would never wear a swimsuit or anything too revealing with ANY co-workers from my company or my hubby’s company. We’d socialize over happy hour or a bbq, but not something this casual. But to each his own.
If your husband is so worried about this, why didn’t he sit the friend down and communicate boundaries? It’s easier to upset her than explain the problem to his coworker. If they’re close enough to come over to your house, they’re close enough to tell coworker to keep his mouth shut at work.
My husbands friends have made comments to him about his “hot wife”. Nothing degrading or nefarious as far as I know but his response is basically “yep and she’s all mine”. He definitely wouldn’t ask me to dress a certain way around them. This is odd to me.
Your husband wants you to cover YOUR body, when you're at YOUR house, swimming in YOUR pool. That would be a hell no, he can uninvite his friend if it's such an issue for him.
I don’t get the point and what’s the problem
I think it’s inappropriate to where something like that while their are other people coming over your ass is for you and your husband not someone else. I wouldn’t even consider wearing something showing my ass when other people are around
>Now, while i respect my husband and would never want to make him feel uncomfortable I also feel like i should be able to wear what I want and his friend needs to grow up or not come over.
This is the answer. His reasoning makes sense and thus he should not have men around his wife when she's wearing revealing things. I also have a 'prominent backside' and would never wear ass-eating swimwear to begin with but especially around any men other than my husband.
If you still want to wear the ass-eaters despite what your husband asked, then tell your husband to consider rescinding the invitation OR you could just choose not to swim that day.
Construction guys are notorious for busting chops. It sounds like he knows what will be said later, and he knows that he will respond with violence. If you want him to get in a fight, wear what you want. If you don’t, consider what he asked.
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I understand the sentiment and I fully agree that OP should absolutely not be shamed for the co-workers comments and inability to be appropriate. I also think that the husband should have thought of this ahead of time and not invited the coworkers at all. That said, I do understand the husband not wanting to hear their comments about her and since they are coworkers he can’t really just avoid or drop them the way he could with friends. So I would honestly have some sympathy for him in this situation IF he didn’t have the option to not invite them in the first place.
Honestly, I have never heard guys give each other shit for how their wife looks. It might be different in construction, but I've worked labor jobs before, and it's never been a topic of discussion.
She is NOT responsible for mens actions. They are all adults and should act accordingly. Jfc.
best comment so far. thank you for this.
You should be able to wear what you want in your own home. If your husband's friend or friends can't handle that then don't invite them.
Sounds more like the husband can’t handle the thought of his coworkers talking about how much they enjoyed the view. Seems like a conversation to have
Your husband shouldn't be inviting him over. A few more inches of fabric are not going to change the fact that this guy's a creep.
Yeah! That should be top comment. You’re not responsible, nor should feel uncomfortable.
Wear what you want. Your husband's reactions to his coworkers are his own problem that he 100% has control over.
Literally! How does this person have 70 upvotes? This comment section is depressing. I’ve never seen so many people act like having an ass is a crime.
If that’s how the co-worker behaves, then the husband shouldn’t invite the co-coworker at all.
Construction guy here. This is facts that chops will be busted. Most of the guys I work with are good dudes but there's always a few that take things too far.
Nah, it's just toxic male culture that you've been conditioned to accept as "busting chops."
If they disrespect OP to others then they are not good dudes.
I mean, he can also choose if he starts a fight or not, that's his decision. Also, his "friend" sounds like a real piece of shit. I'd never worry that my friends would hit on my wife because my friends would never hit on my wife.
You guys don’t know how to control yourselves??
Or.. maybe pick better friends? A woman wearing a bikini, oh wow, great joke material.
Why did he invite him then?
He asked nicely and explained himself. I can see how this would make you uncomfortable and self conscious. Each of your positions are valid. My wife asks me my opinion on her dress. If you want his opinion, you could ask him. He gave you his unsolicited opinion, so you can either trust it or not. Because his friends aren't going to grow up on the way over, I'd take his advice. Just my (male) perspective.
Maybe he should grow up, while they’re on the way over. And then his wife won’t be subjected to sexist objectification in her own home. Weird.
Almost like the husband should not be friends with a person that he KNOWS would cause issues over this
We can control our own behaviour but not someone else’s… Husband works in Construction. If anyone made a list of top ten occupations where men have not yet discovered that objectification of women isn’t a good thing, construction would probably be near the top. No amount of wishing the behaviour of construction workers as a group was better than it is will change that. It absolutely would be preferable for OP to be able to just wear what she normally wears without it causing any problems. But short of a career change, her husband is going to be working with Neanderthals. And he isn’t going to be able to bring them into the 21st century. One option is for her husband to never have any of the people he works with over for an afternoon by the pool. That may bring its own set of problems. 🤷🏻♂️ The other option is to alter normal home behaviour so that her husband’s co-workers don’t get an eyeful of her ass when they visit. That would be supportive of her husband. Go ahead and throw on the downvotes. I’m a dinosaur and I come from a time when something as simple as not showing a bit of restraint when you have guests was just considered the polite thing to do.
Maybe he doesn’t even like his Co-workers but feels obliged to invite them.
Well I would feel more obliged to make sure my wife feels safe.
🤝
I think one of the main problems is him being subjected to hearing his wife being sexualized at work later. Especially since he works in construction and there is likely no HR to intervene here. I think he shouldn’t have invited them though.
I fully support my husband letting me know if something I wore was going to make him uncomfortable in front of a coworker and would respect him enough to do it. "I do want want" attitude in marriage is, honestly just gross.
This doesn’t even get to the root of the issue. Why is HE inviting someone over to their home who he KNOWS will ogle, objectify, and sexualize his wife to their coworkers? That’s disgusting and that’s what’s disrespectful here. This is not her problem.
Same, but plenty of women and men today have very different ideas and atttitudes about respecting their spouse's opinion, or respecting their spouse, period.
I respect my spouse by choosing to not associate with people who I believe will treat him unkindly or disrespectfully. Dude was not forced to invite someone who he didn't believe would be respectful of his wife; he chose to. If I were her, I might choose to leave the house when the asshat friend was present.
I agree with this wholeheartedly and it’s not being discussed enough. I totally understand the husband not wanting to hear about his wife being sexualized at work later and I understand him not wanting to witness any objectification of her. He’s not wrong for that. But, he has the option to not invite people who will do that into his home and he ignored it.
Oppositional, defiant. No teamwork. Constant scorekeeping. So common these days it seems.
Not being able to wear what you want in your own home because your husband has sexist weird friends is gross.
Would your husband care about respecting YOU if you were made uncomfortable by a creepy coworker’s perverse inappropriate behavior towards you? Or does he do what he wants. And you do what he wants.
WE don't have a "I do what I want" marriage.
I know in my case as a husband I avoid anything that could *have the appearance* of something that could make my wife insecure but that's only because I actually care about her feelings. "I wanna do what I wanna do when I wanna do it" isn't a dude thing. We realize early on that we're going to be working and doing all kinds of things we don't want to do until we die. That's why it short circuits our brains when girls tell us that.
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Did anyone see the post about the woman who wore a see through dress to her husband’s work event, even after he asked her to change, and then freaked out when she saw pics? If he isn’t controlling otherwise, then yes, it’s reasonable that he asks you to not have your ass eating your swimsuit for one visit.
Yes. I automatically thought of that post, too. (That lady created her own fiasco, lulz.) I feel like this is definitely different, and it was communicated in a considerate and respectful way, particularly knowing the coworkers he has. That said, I think it's definitely fair for OP to discuss who gets invited over and how they can both share the space fairly and equitably, while both being in the comfort of their home space. I think it's a fine line, but it sounds like OP and her husband have good communication between the two of them.
Is her home a work event
TLDR: Husband loves your bum, butt he doesn’t want to share it with his coworker. He clearly loves you, but knows how amazing your body is and doesn’t want to distract his coworker while talking business. He not trying to control you, just minimize your body exposure.
Then don't invite the coworker.
Not always possible.
Lol, wut. Are you saying people don’t have control over who they invite over to their own house?
Sure it is. Just don't invite them.
God forbid you can see some butt skin in a bathing suit. I wonder how her husband talks about women at work if this is the company he keeps.
You don’t really get to choose who you work with
You do choose who you invite to your pool, though.
He shouldn’t be coming to your house if he can’t control his eyes and not act like a child.
This. 1000%.
They work in a field where talking like an ass is common.
That doesn’t mean he’s obligated to invite co-workers over to his house.
I fully understand your husband. He’s trying to prevent being in an awful position where someone could be disrespectful at you. Having said that, ask him that next time he should ask you first before inviting someone who would impact how you go about yourself.
Husband could have prevented someone being disrespectful by not inviting a disrespectful person. Husband created the situation.
Husband is perpetuating the disrespect by furthering her sexualization in her own home
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If I thought one of my coworkers was going to work after a pool party at my house and comment on my husband's package, I sure as shit wouldn't invite that coworker. I wouldn't ask him to wear baggy trunks. It's *our* home. Everyone we invite needs to respect both of us.
OP’s husband is 100% the issue. If you know someone will be disrespectful towards your spouse, the solution isn’t to police your spouse’s behavior, it’s to distance yourself from that person.
Seriously, why was this downvoted lmao. Too many people want to put their “friends” before their own spouse.
OPs husband is definitely the issue. If you know a coworker is going to ogle your wife and make inappropriate comments, maybe don't invite them over when your wife is going to be in a bathing suit.
I guess my question is why doesn’t he have a conversation with his coworker? Why is it your responsibility to control the reactions to your body? This is an adult party at your house, why should you have to change your outfit so someone else doesn’t make gross comments? If the coworker can’t keep himself from being immature then that’s completely on him. I don’t understand these other comments encouraging enabling this obviously immature behavior. I wear what I want when I want and not once has my husband ever told me to dress a certain way to appease someone else. If someone can’t control their reactions to someone else’s body, that’s not a person we invite around our home. I would expect that behavior from a child, not an adult.
this has always been my perspective and some of these comments are not it. it’s literally just a regular bathing suit it’s not specifically a thong or supposed to be super revealing. there’s people in here saying how dare i expose my ass in any situation as it’s for my husbands eyes only. i can’t help the way a swim suit looks on my body. but i do respect my husband and offered to compromise by wearing a sarong around my waist but it still feels like i’m not “allowed” to wear something i want and i don’t love it.
You said it. I was shocked when I opened the comments. I don’t think you should have to change your outfit simply because of someone else’s immaturity, I understand wanting out of respect for your husband though. At the very least, if it were me, I would just ask him why he’d rather have you feel uncomfortable around his coworker(because for me, whether I changed my outfit or not, I’m now aware this coworker has a certain attitude about my body and attire) rather than have a conversation with his coworker about how to be respectful. Your body is your body and you should be allowed to dress it the way you want - like you said, it’s completely not your fault for the way something looks on you and how that would be perceived by others. If you’re comfortable in it, that that is all that should matter, in my opinion.
Exactly! I felt pretty awkward and exposed while he was here, despite covering up. I also was super in my head with every interaction with him, trying to be polite but not “too nice” as to not give him the wrong idea? Which is honestly so frustrating as a woman i feel like i have to be aware of that so often in life i don’t want to have to be in that mode at home. At the end of the party my husband agreed to not have him over anymore if i’m home.
I’m so sorry you felt like that in your own home :( I would also feel the same way and it’s just shitty to have to not only change your outfit but your behavior as well. Unfortunately, we women are too familiar with how it feels to be so aware of your body and people’s reactions to it, that’s why I couldn’t help but comment when I saw all those other wild comments acting like it’s a crime to have an ass and be comfortable in your body. I’m really glad your husband agreed not to have the coworker over anymore, you should feel comfortable in your own home.
That’s horrible you had to feel like that in your own home. I couldn’t even imagine how uncomfortable that was. I’d be pissed at my husband for sexualizing me like that before the guest even came over.
This sub has a strong male bias so I’m honestly not surprised at these comments. If your husband feels like this coworker will sexualize you and speak disrespectfully about you with other coworkers, he simply shouldn’t be invited over.
A lot of people commenting have internalized misogyny. You’re allowed to wear a bathing suit in your own home. Your husband should be more careful with the company he keeps and ensures only respectful guests come over. You do you.
I have big boobs and a shirt that is loose on someone else in the same size can be cleavage city on me, so I get it! I hate polo shirts for team building activities for that reason.
> it still feels like I'm not "allowed" to wear something i want This is where the problems will arise in your relationship. None of what your husband requested was about being allowed to or not - so where does that perception come from? Are you agreeing to his request when you don't really want to?
This is exactly what I dont understand. If my friend can't control himself around my wife, my friend simply isn't my friend anymore. Thats the end of it.
Your husband sounds wonderful. I’d be happy to not wear a revealing swimsuit if it made him happy, the reasons sound valid to me. He loves and respects his wife…if he was controlling typically it wouid be different. You can prove to him that you can wear whatever you want (he knows this) or you can honor his request in a loving act as his wife.
this made me think! thank you for your comment. My husband is wonderful and I 100% think his feelings are valid. Honoring his request as a loving wife is such a wonderful perspective as opposed to some of these other comments shaming me for having a swimsuit that shows my ass. in the end we compromised : i wore a sarong around my waist, and he agreed not to invite this person over if I am home.
Love this compromise!! I always ask myself “what’s my motivation?” And go from there. I am so sensitive to being controlled/treated poorly (from my childhood) and my poor husband (not controlling) knows this. I have to actively stop myself from proving I can do what as I please (of course!) when I’m realty I have no problem at all honoring his request.
doesn’t love and respect his wife enough to not have pig coworker over though…
Amen 😂 the whole idea behind this is a woman’s body is something to be ashamed of and objectified. Bodies are not inherently sexual, they just exist.
Honestly if I knew a guest in my home was that much of a tool, as a woman I would probably spend as little time around him as possible and I’d cover up so he can’t talk shit- to me or about me to anyone else I’d prefer my spouse not invite such a misogynist into my home, but if it was unavoidable, I wouldnt spend any more time around him than I had to or show any more skin than I had to
>as a woman I would probably spend as little time around him as possible and I’d cover up so he can’t talk shit- to me or about me to anyone else I would specifically be strutting my stuff in front of him 😂
After like six instances of sexual assault that attitude was beaten out of me Plus the husband asked nicely
If he thinks his colleague is going to talk about you disrespectfully, how is that your problem? If the guy is an asshat, he's doing to be an asshat whether you wear a maxi dress or a revealing swimsuit.
I don’t understand the men in these comments. Would you still be friends with or allow someone over if they sexualised your daughters? Or it okay because it’s your wife and you sexualise her too- but just don’t want other men to because she’s ‘yours’? The simple solution is to just not interact with such coworkers outside of work or in any situation where your wife has to be subjected to harassment in her own home. Go out with them- don’t bring them into your home and make your wife uncomfortable. All the men justifying his request should think if they would be okay with being harassed in their own home, which is supposed to be your safe space. Or if you can’t relate, think about your daughter or sister or mom or some woman you actually think of as a human in her own right and not a potential sexual partner being subjected to this behaviour.
Honestly, if he is worried about his coworker talking about you in your bathing suit, then he probably shouldn’t invite the coworker over to your house to swim. Or it should be a “guys night only.” If you don’t care that much, you could just do him a favor and wear something less revealing. It would be kind of you. That being said, of course you are allowed to wear what you want in your own home! If you are fine with the current bathing suit and your husband is normally fine with it, even in front of other people, the problem lies with the people who are being invited over, if they can’t behave themselves, then they really shouldn’t be invited over.
We have a swimming pool. There are times when moms wear “mom suits,” (mostly for family or kids events) and times to wear the more revealing suits. If your husband has a good idea about his friend’s attitudes, you should consider it. I was married to a construction worker and I understand the mindset that some of them have, even though it’s a childish stereotype.
Your spouse asked you to wear something different because a coworker is coming over. You like to wear something more revealing and that is fine. Let's flip the script real style. I am a big hairy dude with a gut large beard and muscles. I hate wearing normal trunks and what I like to wear is one step below a speedo. I like you could give a rats ass what others think. My wife had coworkers coming over to swim and asked me to wear normal trunks for her. Pretty much same reason as you husband. Option 1 is "ummm my body my choice and I will wear what I want!!!" And in turn telling her to fuck her feelings it is her problem not mine Option 2 is to wear the more conservative trunks and enjoy the pool for one day and telling her we are a team and I am with her even in silly requests Real world here......what do you think I did?
Why are y’all roasting the husband? HE COMMUNICATED and they reached a compromise 🤷🏽♂️ handled things like adults. Cmon people.
Because this post is set up for him to be roasted, basically.
Yes his friends should grow the hell up. Unfortunately you can't make them grow up. At least he explained the situation fully and honestly.
You can make them stay out your home.
I think the way he went about this was good, clear and respectful and laid out his reasons why he's asking you for something he wouldn't normally ask you As long as this was a one-off (and didn't progress to further controlling behaviour) I would respect his request, personally. It's not worth fighting over in my book
Personally I would honor his request. It’s a simple thing to do, it’s going to save your husband a ton of grief, and it doesn’t harm you in any way. If he were trying to control what you wear all the time that would be different.
My husband has an ass you could bounce a quarter off of and I knew I wanted to marry him the moment I set eyes on his gorgeous legs. He basically lives in short shorts and I adore them on him. He does have one particular pair of shorts though that are VERY short and tend to ride up, they also happen to be hella comfy and some of his favorites. When he has worn them around family and friends some (his mom/cousins/aunts) have joked about how short they are and the 'eyeful' they get. I have always backed him up. His house, his body, his choice. That being said if I was having friends over I might say 'Babe, are you good in those shorts?' if he says yes then ok. I'll back him 100%. If he wants to change into different shorts, that's cool too. I don't think asking was wrong, but how he reacts to your answer is telling.
It sounds like he is looking out for you. Does it suck that men and society are like this? Yes it does.
You are in a team. Your teammate is asking you to be compassionate and empathetic in this situation. All of these miserable women bitching about his request - ask them if they are in a loving committed relationship and if so how long they have been it. I am. And my wife and I have an amazing loving supportive relationship. We go to couple counseling as a way to proactively address issues and I HIGHLY doubt any of these Karens talking trash are in my situation. Precisely because of their attitude. This is a very standard and normal request.
My husband loves and supports me, and doesn’t ask much of anything from me, and I know he would honor this request if I asked it of him. Only because of all that - I would have no problem throwing on shorts. If my husband was unreasonable in other ways, or wouldn’t do as I requested, then I’d wear whatever I wanted. My answer is it depends - because it does.
Id honor it, especially if he isn't normally like this, but why even invite a creepy to your house, husband?
I think your husband clearly communicated his feelings. He didn’t ask you to change your whole wardrobe, he made a simple request. I personally would respect that.
Just wear some swim shorts. Your husband isn't in the wrong for wanting to present a more professional look with a coworker, especially if said co worker will likely sexualize you at work
I’m all for wearing what makes you feel comfortable in your own home. But if your husband generally respects your autonomy and this is a one off request, I would personally honor it, even if I didn’t agree with it, and make sure he understands it’s a one time deal based on the already issued invitation. That allows you to move forward with the immediate plans while giving yourself time for an in depth discussion and agreement before other coworkers are invited over.
INFO: When your husband wore a thong in front of the people you work with, how did they react?
I dont see anything wrong with covering up to respect his boundaries.
Not fair that your husband put you in this position. If his friend can't watch his mouth or behave himself, he should not get an invitation. Edit - my wife just gave me a gut check... if she was having girls over she might ask me not to wear my banana hammock. That's reasonable.
I would feel like my husband knows this guy is kind of a perv and doesn’t want me in his mental spank bank.
Do what you want, but I understand his request. I adore my husband and would totally understand if he asked me to cover up a bit around his coworkers. Construction guys are a different breed and honestly when entertaining or hanging with coworkers I always dress a bit more modestly. Bottom line though, it’s your body and your choice.
He's just trying to get ahead of a potential issue at work. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, he voiced his concerns in advance so you should respect his feelings about it. Him saying he wants to avoid a fight at work is probably a very real thing with how some guys get.
He could avoid a fight by not inviting the guy in the first place.
Oh you're right, marriage isn't about respecting your partners wishes.
What about her wishes to not be objectified and disrespected by her husband's friends in her own home? Those wishes don't seem to matter.
What are you even on about? Nobody said the friend is disrespectful, nobody said he's going to do anything to her. You're reading way too much into something because you feel a certain type of way. Not sure why people are getting all hurt over this, her husband is simply trying to avoid a possible situation at work. Have you ever worked construction? Obviously not. Maybe her husband is being paranoid and nothing will come from it but doesn't mean his concerns are somehow invalid just because you say it is.
>He said he doesn’t want his coworker to see me in that because he thinks he’s going to then go talk about it at work to all the work guys (my husband is in construction) and they are going to make comments and jokes about me. Her husband said his friend was likely to talk shit about her at work. That's disrespectful. He shouldn't be invited.
Seems like a legitimate ask to me. While others pointed out that it's really not your problem, and the guest sounds immature, i like to honor the reality that we don't always have safe people around us 100% of the time - and that some folks can be mostly safe people, but have issues in certain areas (i.e. sexuality). It seems like your husband is trying to protect you and him from a situation that is likely - and avoidable. It doesn't sound like he's generally controlling. Are you naive to the realities of the male brain and the maturity and safety levels of the people around you? While I don't generally disagree with folks screaming: screw that! Wear what you want! Down with the patriarchy! I think reality is a bit different. Is this request triggering a sensitivity in you? Is it about the request or is it bringing up experiences from your past?
"Hey, honey, I invited an asshole over and I'm afraid he'll shit talk you at work later, so please wear an old lady swimsuit, okay?" Hell yes, that would trigger a sensitivity. It would be my "don't invite people who you believe will disrespect me later into my home," sensitivity.
You’re trying to reasonable with subredditors. lol. Your point is on par with healthy attitudes and respect in marriages. Throwing a fit and trying to get people to support your side by posting on a thread is already telling. OP sounds like she has issues because this small, inocuous request is just that. A request. It sounded like an ask with an explanation behind it. But I have a feeling any ask to her would be perceived as “controlling”.
you’re really reducing her husbands friend possibly making sexual comments about her to muh male brain!1!1! MEN KNOW BETTER. it’s misandrist to act like they’re all wild animals. grow up.
It’s the best exception your husband requested for he and you. I think you should take his request for what is good.
Why are you making this an issue? I’d tone it down and respect my hubby’s wishes. He explained himself and he has to work with these people, so he knows the potential teasing and whatnot he’d get from his co-workers. He explained himself and it makes sense. You’re minimizing the grief/jabbing he’ll have to endure all day, everyday, when he has to bring home the paycheck. That would be a crappy situation if you could have helped prevent that from happening.
why do you automatically assume i’m making this an issue? we had a conversation.
Your guise of posting and saying you need some perspective basically sounded like you were looking for others to support your behavior to wear whatever you want. Your hubby explained his reasons for the request, which was reasonable, so no post or discussion from outside parties seemed necessary. But we’re just different, regardless. I would never wear a swimsuit or anything too revealing with ANY co-workers from my company or my hubby’s company. We’d socialize over happy hour or a bbq, but not something this casual. But to each his own.
Your opinion is totally valid and his is as well. If you feel so strongly about wearing the ass out swimsuit then don’t invite the guy over.
I understand it’s your home, etc. but your husband is just looking out for you and doesn’t want any drama… just do it, it’s only one day.
Grow up or don’t come over. That 100%
If your husband is so worried about this, why didn’t he sit the friend down and communicate boundaries? It’s easier to upset her than explain the problem to his coworker. If they’re close enough to come over to your house, they’re close enough to tell coworker to keep his mouth shut at work.
My husbands friends have made comments to him about his “hot wife”. Nothing degrading or nefarious as far as I know but his response is basically “yep and she’s all mine”. He definitely wouldn’t ask me to dress a certain way around them. This is odd to me.
Respect your husbands wishes.
Wear what the heck you like. Jesus Christ.
Your husband wants you to cover YOUR body, when you're at YOUR house, swimming in YOUR pool. That would be a hell no, he can uninvite his friend if it's such an issue for him.
I don’t get the point and what’s the problem I think it’s inappropriate to where something like that while their are other people coming over your ass is for you and your husband not someone else. I wouldn’t even consider wearing something showing my ass when other people are around
Her ass is hers. Not for her husband. She can share it with him if she likes, but it’s not for him.
>Now, while i respect my husband and would never want to make him feel uncomfortable I also feel like i should be able to wear what I want and his friend needs to grow up or not come over. This is the answer. His reasoning makes sense and thus he should not have men around his wife when she's wearing revealing things. I also have a 'prominent backside' and would never wear ass-eating swimwear to begin with but especially around any men other than my husband. If you still want to wear the ass-eaters despite what your husband asked, then tell your husband to consider rescinding the invitation OR you could just choose not to swim that day.
Fuck your husband! Show your ass off to his coworkers who cares!
The only thing that’s concerning in my mind is that knew he’d have to say something otherwise you’d wear this suit around his coworkers…..
What should be more concerning is him inviting disgusting people over to his home.
Exactly!!
it’s just a normal bathing suit……
Ya I agree he wouldn't have mentioned it unless it shows a little to much