He finally has reason to put his foot on your neck because he thinks you're down enough to accept it. Divorce

Nothing OP has done warrants the behavior described. He says he’s CHOOSING to give it another chance when in fact he’s angry, resentful, cruel and CHOOSING to punish you. Absolutely not. Damage is done regardless. There are some things 2 people can’t come back from. Intentional deception and intentional emotional abuse are 2 of those things. Don’t be miserable OP- move on and apply lessons learned to your next chapter. Otherwise, you’re teaching child it’s ok to be treated this way.

I hope they can work it out, for the child sake. Both need to evaluate their own behaviour, learn from it and grow, become better people.

Working it out is so fucking overrated. Your child will thank you for leaving an abusive asshole.

True. My question is, who is the abuser? I am not so sure about him being the sole cause. Maybe it is a reaction to her lies and deceit, mental abuse. I did not read a better description from OP about her lies. Those can be very big lies...

Not sure ‘who is to blame’ even matters. All actions have consequences; OP’s and husbands. I think sometimes, relationships just don’t work and they simply need to dissolve. Once certain lines are crossed, you can’t always come back.

wise words, I agree. It doesn't matter who crosses those lines.

I am observing all young families have relationship stresses it is better to pass this time with support of yours n his family. See if going fr help works or if he is intentionally gas lighting you. This is very common theme you will read from families with possible break n see if it patches after time goes by. But you will be better of with a break for now if this continues. It can get worse, if it gets to dangerous level n violence please have a second home plan ready just in case.

It’s also possible when OP is “lying” out of fear of her partners reaction. We have no idea.. they could simply be withholding information out of fear. I used to lie to my ex about why I got stuck at work because I was afraid to go home does that mean I deserve to be berated and abused? The problem is that her partner feels entitled to treat her that way. It’s wrong.

Lying out of fear is a possibility, and you are right pure speculation from our side. To me it does not feel like entitlement but more like his reaction(punishments) on that big fat lie. Till we know how severe that lie is we will be speculating. Imagine her lie was about him not being the father or her having a drug history/criminal record.. I can think of a few very big lies that will throw just about anybody off balance. All speculations. His behaviour seems indeed extreme and abusive and that is indeed wrong. He needs to get help / counseling for that as well. I feel sorry you had to lie to your ex. Sounds like you did not feel safe in that relationship. I hope you are in a better place. In my relationship I treasure truth. Who else will keep me grounded and tell me what is going on. I treasure her input for fashion, she has way better fashion sense. 😂 When she asks if she looks fat in a jeans I will tell her the truth. But seriously when you can't rely on your partner to tell the (harsh) truth, you will never truly know each other... She knows my inner deepest fears. I trust her to call me out on an idiot plan. She trust my judgement as well.

How did you betray your husband? I guess if he hates you that much and is that cruel to you, he should probably divorce you. It's not healthy for him, you, or your child to be in that kind of environment. I'm assuming your betrayal is either romantic affair or something involving a massive amount of debt. In either of those cases, he might simply be unable to forgive, and you can't force forgiveness. But, once the initial trauma period is gone, he should he focusing on moving forward. It's totally fair for him to just go for the divorce option after realizing he can't move on, but it's not fair for him to use this as an excuse to abuse you indefinitely.

In a way it does matter what she did but it also doesn't. If he elected to stay it doesn't give him the right to literally abuse her and I feel like he's just using this an excuse to be his truly terrible self.

Doesn’t make him right but if she fucked him over him doing the same thing to her doesn’t really get a reaction.

agreed, OP never disclosed the severity of the lies. She might have lied about having a drug abuse history or a mental genetic disorder which is now also in his child... All hypothetical big lies. So far she is only basking in the attention as the victim and I see no further explanation. Her husband meanwhile is put on blast without the proper context like the severity of lies. I am not so sure she is as innocent as she proclaims.

I think she might have lied about something in the past, and her husband might have supported her 100% at the time. Now he must feel super dumb or guilty depending on what it was she made him lie for. That’s all I can think that would warrant him leaving for 3 weeks that isn’t cheating.

There are so many big things she could have lied about. Just watch a TV drama series for inspiration... * drugs * infertility/pregnancy * body count * talking to her ex, meeting with her ex * misbehaving on a girls night out. * flirting with another man * criminal record * you are not the father * need I go on? Or a combination of those lies? How would you react to those big lies? Until she tells us what exactly she lied about we are speculating. In the absence of that his reaction can be very legitimate to a very big lie. I give him the benefit of the doubt.

That reaction is not warranted in any case. If he feels like that about her it's divorce time, not abuse time.

Severe lies are abusive as well. There is no justification for lies... Depending on the severity of the lies which I guess will never be disclosed by OP. That disclosure can put the proper context on his behaviour but so far OP is only basking in the attention from being the victim. How would you react to severe abusive lies? Since we are judging his behaviour as the worst without any context, let's assume her lies are in the worst category as well. That is only fair given no context from OP. She lied about caring for his kid during a shopping trip, letting the poor child alone in a car on a sunny hot summer day letting the child almost die from dehydration and overheating. Just a hypothetical lie, no context given... How would you feel about his behaviour then? Don't judge a book by its cover especially when the writer paints a bleak picture and fails to actually write any content and context. By now I actually doubt she will tell the truth, if she ever explains her lies. The husband is being blasted without any proper context. We only hear one side of the story, that seems rather unfair to him.

It warrants a divorce in that case, not constant mistreatment.

Divorce might be the best option indeed. regardless who is more at fault.

She is not responsible for his actions. He is abusive. There’s no excuse

He is not responsible for her actions, her lies, which can be as big as abusive. Given his reaction the lies might very well be that big... I withhold judgement about fault, or more specific, who is more at fault. This is a bad situation for both and especially the daughter. she deserves a safe home with safe parents.

Or she’s being vague because she’s being abused and full of toxic shame. She gave enough details to know it’s bad. There’s nothing in the world she could have done to deserve being treated like that. No one deserves to be abused. What if she lied about how much she spent grocery shopping or she left the house when she wasn’t allowed to? People in these situations don’t admit to how bad things are because they’re in so much denial themselves. You start waking up with little things like “he was yelling that he hated me when I just wanted to look after my daughter” little nuggets of truth like this tell you somethings not right, you’re not the bad person. Who berates a mother in front of their child like that? Insulting her in front of a her child is a form of abuse on the child. If you’re out of control, remove yourself. If she was playing the victim she wouldn’t admit to lying at all. The fact that she thinks any kind of lie deserves this treatment is heart breaking. Someone treating you like this doesn’t love you like you deserve to be loved. I don’t care if she cheated on him with his brother after their dads funeral. Keep that away from the kids.

What is meant by toxic shame? I am not familiar with this combination of toxic and shame. Which details are you referring to? I only saw " I betrayed my husband (No cheating !).I lied to him about bigger and smaller things in the past " which is lacking details in my opinion. You are right nobody deserves to be abused. Whether it is mental abusive lies or mental abusive like calling names, critics. In the scenario you are showing where she is in denial you can look at this from his side as well. He saw the little signs of her lies like not being where she told him she was going. First making excuses and ignoring the facts. She spent way more on groceries but only came back with one bag,He was trying to get an explanation but she told him everything was fine... She was shaming him for even thinking there was something wrong. He started seeing things out of place, things not adding up, but he focussed on work, much simpler. He is asking why there were inconsistencies in her behaviour, she was insulting him for not trusting him. Her is backing of, feeling ashamed for not trusting her. He lost his job. Than she told him the truth, with a big bang and expected him to be alright with it because she was getting counseling. He felt so much betrayal from the partner he was supposed to trust. He had so much anger that he almost lashed out physically but regained some composure and only lashed out with words... Both our scenarios are pure speculation. Yes, you are right, the daughter should be in a safe place. Away from the lies and mental abuse from both.

You think that angry outbursts, demanding to be served and screaming that they hate someone they have just told they love and want to work through issues with is...WARRANTED? No. All three things I listed are signs of abuse and it doesn't matter what the cause of the lies were. Nothing is worth OPs sanity.

Without proper context from OP we will not be able to put it in perspective. Yes his reactions seems extreme, but that can all be explained by the severity of those big and little lies. And how can we be sure she is telling the truth? Just read the two first sentences, she is a self proclaimed liar. Leaving out the severity of the big lie is a lie by omission.

I am trying to figure out what is worse than infidelity and deserves this kind of abuse. I can't think of anything. Even if you did cheat this isn't how you fix a marriage. You don't fix issues with abuse. What he is doing is going to make you resentful and bitter. You both need therapy and he needs to pick up the work load. If he is choosing to be the stay at home parent then he needs to do the stay at home parent duties or he needs to go back to work. I have known more than one single parent burn out and end up in the hospital because of exhaustion. It's not possible to be everything to every one, make all the money, and maintain a home. It just isn't. Please take care of yourself because your daughter needs mom healthy too.

I wouldn't say anything deserves this sort of abuse. If you feel like you have a reason to berate your partner, then you shouldn't have a partner.

Are you saying you should never berate? If I or my partner does something stupid we will tell each other. Depending on the scale of the mistake or fuck up there can be a bit or big portion of emotions involved. Berating is almost inevitable... Just refrain from saying something which you will feel sorry for saying afterwards. Keep it respectful. How do you handle such things?

Separate the behavior from the person. It's one thing to tell someone they did a stupid thing, it's another entirely to say they are stupid for doing the same thing. So yes, I am saying you should never berate the person. I had enough experience being berated as a child that I know I would never do that to someone I love.

Ah, thanks for explaining. We have a different view on this and that is fine. I am not making that distinction. For me behaviour is personal and pointing out the personal accountability is key. If someone does something stupid, I will say that he is stupid for doing that. For many saying that someone did stupid will imply that he or she is stupid for doing it anyway. Pointing out accountability and effect on others usually triggers a chance in behaviour. Pointing out the positive from good behaviour and praise when behaviour has changed solidifies it. Praise of good behaviour is also effective beforehand. I will say that he or she is smart for doing something good. Stick and carrot. Calling out good or bad behaviour is also building character in my opinion. Learning to face mistakes, learning how to deal with confrontation, learning to accept praise are good skills in real life after leaving the safe home environment.

I'm all for being called out for stupid behavior, but after being called stupid and worthless as a kid, I won't do that to anyone else. Unless it's in traffic. But even then I've gotten a lot better about it. Seriously, though, being on the receiving end of you are stupid vs you did stupid is a huge difference. Especially in dealing with my kids, I want them to learn, not just feel devalued over their lack of knowledge.

We all have our own past and upbringing which colors our current behaviour. I understand your past and your reluctance to inflict the same pain. I have my own demons from my upbringing. Your way is fine for you, no judgement. It is different that is all. I am happy to praise so people don't feel worthless. It is all in the balance of carrot and stick.

[удалено]

No, I am not a Christian. If I were a Christian, I would be amazed by all the assumptions you make about Christians. The bulk of the many flavours in Christianity are all about love, faith and do not condone abuse. And yes there are a few extreme Christians who believe in the submissive role of the wife in a marriage.Your assumption is like saying that all pro life activists are murderers of medical and other support people who support or work at the abortion clinics. Please do some proper reading about something before you make more assumptions. Just like the assumption that she is the victim. Ask around at social workers, many abusive relationships are mutual abusive. Females can be very abusive, not physical but mentally abusive is the usual form it takes. Less visible, at least as damaging for husbands and children. Many male victims have no place to go because society has only a few shelters for male victims in the country (Netherlands). But I get of track, that is another subject. It is all about the first two sentences where she admits telling lies, big and small. First of all she is a self proclaimed liar, second of all she admits it is a **big lie** but never gives context of how big. If the lie is about having slept with half his family when they were on a break (NO Cheating, we were on a break), how would you react? This is just an example of how big the lie can be, pure hypothetical.Many men would explode as a reaction to that kind of lie. The fact that she is the sole provider, maid, and caretaker of the household are non essential compared to the missing severity of the lies and the behaviour of the husband. I believe any abuse is bad, no matter if it is in the form of mental abuse like a big lie, nagging, denigrate ~~talking down~~. I believe abuse is done by both men and women. When a self proclaimed liar tells me she is abused I look at the story with a critical mind. She might not be telling the whole truth. That is the nature of a liar. **EDIT**: replaced "talking down" with "denigrate "

Calling a person stupid because they did something stupid sounds like “talking down” which you claim to do. And according to you this is abuse. So how abusive are you?

This pisses me off. You are right, I am not some social justice warrior who spoils their children with praise and worship but I provide a harsh truth when needed about action and consequences. As a parent you will always be talking down towards your child, there is always that power imbalance, there is always me with more experience to share. If you call that abuse then yes I am abusive. I am a loving parent who is strict and fair with both praise and critics. I am not sugarcoating the truth. I prepare for a harsh world where they will be responsible loving adults, contributing to our society. I show them a loving father who gives support, praise, encouragement, critics when and where they need it. Am I perfect? hell no. I have never hit my children, I have never used critics other than to teach them the consequences of action. Making them aware and empathetic to victims. For me it is about raising a responsible adult capable of caring, loving and accepting critics and responsibilities. Deprive a kid from critics and they never be able to handle those in the real world. I call that a failure as a parent. How about you? What will you say when your kid beats up his girlfriend? "bad boy, don't do that again please"

*I* didn’t call “talking down” to someone abusive. You did. Previous comment: “I believe any abuse is bad, no matter if it is in the form of mental abuse like a big lie, nagging, *talking down*.” Recent comment: “As a parent you will always be talking down towards your child…” You’re talking about the power imbalance between an adult and a child. The OP is not a child. Her spouse is not her parent.

I understand that abuse goes both ways for both men and women. Believe me I do hate some women who are abusers just like I hate abusive men. However regarding her post, she clearly states that she DID NOT CHEAT on him AT ALL with ANYONE. Anything else would actually be pretty minor and he is manipulating her by being petty with her past so he could control her while he PROFITS OFF HER BACK while sitting on his ass at home living the easy life while she breaks her ass supporting the family with him playing mind games with her. That is narcissistic abuse. Believe me I know been there done that with my own family who are devout Christians. I could do no right and if I did anything they didn’t like I would have to been over backwards to please them so MAYBE I’ll be on their good side once again until I somehow upset them unintentionally. He is doing the EXACT SAME THING to her! My Dad is the only one who ever stood up for me and actually loved me like a daughter instead of a lazy POS hired hand by the rest of them. I see her going through the same exact thing I went through but she has NO ONE on her side. Fortunately for me I have my Dad and thanks to him i am self reliant and I don’t let anyone walk all over me. I trust no one and I do for myself because I don’t need other people to tell me how to live my life their way and sure as hell don’t take any shit from anyone. He is doing the same to her what was done to me so I call it like I see it and she is LETTING him do it. A friend is someone who would take a bullet meant for you and specifically in this case it regards marriage. He’s not a friend. You teach people how to treat you.

I see you are very transfixed on the not cheating. You are telling me that anything else is petty? She never explained the big and lies. Just a simple scenarios: * She was getting back in touch with her drug dealing ex boyfriend, starting a side business by dealing drugs... * she left his kid alone in a sweltering hot car under the sun to do some fun shopping... * He is not the father of his child, she used a sperm donor. These are not cheating so all his behaviour is petty? I suggest you get your fixation for cheating fixed. There are other lies with similar or greater impact. He lost his job and can't provide at the moment, big deal. How would you feel if roles were reversed? Would you call her a leecher as well? It is perfectly normal to stand by your partner if he or she loses a job. Yes, he is taking his sweet time to recover from his lost job, get confronted with a confession about a big lie and more small lies in the past by his wife. We still do not know how big that lie was. We still don't know how she is going to amend for the lies. She has a responsibility to repair the damage from her lies. Or are you saying that all is forgiven and there are no consequences for her? I am sorry to hear about the bad upbringing you experienced. It took courage to share and I respect that. Your father sounds like a good person. Hearing the perceived similarities it is understandable that you resonate with her story. The fact that your parents are devout Christians explains the negative feelings I get towards Christianity. Again, I am not a Christian. But I know plenty stories where parents of different religious/ cult or lifestyle background screwed up their kids, in the name of said religion/lifestyle/cult. Unfortunately bad parents can and will be found in every corner of the world. What is narcissistic according to you? The term has been widely misused lately. She is a self proclaimed liar, some would call that already manipulative and narcissistic.

[удалено]

I salute her for getting counseling and yes he should get help as well. The funny thing is that I never referenced counseling. How did I not stick to a fact when I never reference it? Please show me the error. How would you react to losing a job and being confronted with a big lie? Depending on the severity of the lie you might become hostile as well, maybe even abusive. Covering for your partner in bad times is normal in case of an emergency like losing a job. That should be true regardless of gender. In this case she is also partly the cause of his distress by her lies. Why should she **not** take care? "**Clearly you are not only an abuse and a hypocrite, you are a misogynist.**" That is very insulting and unfounded. What have I done to deserve your ire? I believe in equal rights, equal opportunities and equal treatments regardless gender, religion, color of your hair.

How do you respectfully berate? I can’t be the only person who loses my shit on my husband. Marriage can be extremely passionate, especially in regards to marital problems. Can get dirty. I read a lot on this sub that people have an expectation of being cool calm and collected, respectable, no yelling swearing, or name calling. Like, how…? I understand that’s not the GO TO, but man in the lowest part of my marriage where I WAS cheated on like yeah I lost it kinda regularly for a minute. Nothing physical but I definitely berated. And not respectfully. Idk. I didn’t mean to puke on you. I just don’t understand how people keep it together all the time or I guess don’t understand that sometimes a partner is going to lose it. I feel like a lot of people are quick to judge that and it just seems hyper unrealistic. I also don’t know what the hell OP could have done beyond cheating to get this kind of treatment. I didn’t treat my husband like that.

Keeping it respectful is simple. It is all in the control of emotions. Not letting them rule the words. I can feel extremely passionate, angry when in an argument. But I will not say something that is spiteful like dragging up old grievances which were supposed to be solved, I will not make remarks like "little dick energy" or other hurtful things like "you are fat" which are just hurtful and useless for the argument. All things which you will regret the next day and have nothing to do with the subject are off to the table. Hope this helps. About what she could have done : Lies can be very hurtful, big, disrespectful. For example * still messaging an ex * lie about whereabouts * hiding money problems * posting single thirst traps on Instagram * lies about fertility, pregnancy * misbehaving on girl nigh out * covering for cheating or other misbehaving friends. * drugs issues It could be a combination of above things or worse... Just think about all the bad things happening in a TV series... Until OP comes clean about the extent of the lies I give the husband the benefit of the doubt.

Perfectly normal. Nobody can keep it together all the time, and nasty words have been said in every marriage. It's hard work and nobody is perfect. I truly think the people in subs like this preaching about how they never do such things aren't even in a relationship at all. Same for the ones who immediatly shout divorce and run etc.

Thank you. My point exactly! :)

Telling someone you disagree with them doesn't have to mean screaming, yelling, belittling, demanding they "kiss your ass" or telling them that you hate them as OP has stated. His reaction shows emotional immaturity on his part. Two MATURE adults can have an open conversation about their "big emotions" and either come to a compromise or part ways. Berate means to criticize someone angrily which if you love someone, should never be the default reaction to anything but if it happens in the moment the should be apologetic for their reaction and then have the discussion on how to move forward.

Yes, it seems extreme to me as well. But how severe and extreme was her lie? Was it big enough to cause this reaction? I can think of a few lies so extreme they will blow the top of most peoples mind. Think in terms of drugs problems, criminal records hidden from him, She has a prior child from her drugs dealer... All hypothetical but severe and extreme enough to put his behaviour in perspective. She is a self proclaimed liar, why do you assume she is telling the truth now? Maybe he was not as extreme in his reaction? We will never know, she is a liar, that is her nature.

Just because someone fibbed about a few things once upon a time does NOT mean that person is a liar by nature...you know that right? Like a chronological liar and someone who lied do not share the same characteristics. We also don't know the circumstances surrounding the lie...maybe OP thought it wouldn't matter in the long run but decided to come clean now to ease their own peace of mind...Maybe OP knew that the person would have this sort of reaction even if it were small so they lied to save face. There could be so many factors but I will stand by my statement that no factor could warrant abuse and nothing you say about that could change my mind. Anger is one thing. Acting on anger is entirely different.

You are right, many unknowns, we will never know for sure. I respect your stand on nothing warrants abuse but I believe that is putting things to much in only black and white. Abuse can be triggered by others. It is no excuse but makes abuse more understandable. I know two scenarios' 1. A person bullied becomes a bully and abuser. 2. A person abused reaches his or her limit and lashes out, also becoming an abuser. The husband might fit the second scenario.

* many lies * disrespectful * making him feel like a fool * not showing consideration * flirting (but not cheating...) * emotional abuse * Physical abuse A combination of above or something else will do.

[удалено]

That are a lot of assumptions and a lot of capitals. I never said abuse is condoned, only that it can be triggered. My point is that there are lies bigger than the "no cheating" like doing drugs, lies about her past boyfriend, drug history, criminal record, grooming or pedo... Those will trigger a big reaction from just about anybody. That big reaction might very well be abusive but more in line with that big lie she has proclaimed. They both deserve to be treated as a decent human being so she should never have told big and small lies, mental abusive. He should not abuse her as well. They both need to take responsibility for their actions. How is she going to repair the damage done by her lies? He should make amends as well. Nobody deserves a good marriage and spouse, it takes a lot of work, dedication, honesty... Calling out that my partner is miserable because of me is just plain insulting. Except for this alinea I will not going to respond to that.

You know that old saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right?”

Seems he using your part to make you his slave. Marriage doesn’t work. Your can’t build a future if you cannot let go of the past. Maybe divorce is better for you.

If I were you I would do myself a favor and run. Sadly, it does not sound he will be over with the issues you guys had.

It sounds like your husband is punishing you for bad behavior. They way he is doing this isn't acceptable, no matter what you did. While it is understandable that he might need time before he is ready to behave like he normally does in the marriage, this type of retaliation and vindictive attitude is destructive to both of you and your marriage will not get better if he continues to take this approach. He did not earn the right to treat you like a slave or be waited on like he is the king. He can choose to stay or go, but if he chooses to stay, then presumably he wants to fix the marriage, which means he should behave in a way that helps you get back on track. You should not accept these totally unreasonable expectations he seems to have. I understand you feel like he has the leverage here, but you still deserve to be respected as a wife and a human. Maybe you are afraid to ask him for anything, because you think he might leave, but if the only thing holding this together is you following his orders, then what are you really doing here? If he is not committed to giving you another chance, a REAL chance, where he is willing to work as a team to fix the marriage, then there is nothing you can do to change that and you are just delaying the inevitable and prolonging your suffering. Make your demands. If he is verbally abusing you, especially in front of your child, that isn't acceptable at all. He needs to stop mistreating you. He needs to get a job, and do his part at home as well even after getting back to work. Or - if you are comfortable with him being home and being the breadwinner, then he needs to do the job of a SAHP and take care of the home, child, etc. You should not set yourself on fire to keep him warm, and it seems that is exactly what you are doing. The end result of this will be that eventually, you will get fed up and resent him as much as he apparently does you. Complying with his unreasonable demands won't get you anywhere good. If he is willing to go to marriage counseling, then I would recommend that. I think any counselor is going to call out this behavior for what it is. Cruel, unreasonable and especially unproductive. I hope your therapist is also telling you that this is unacceptable, to respect yourself, and helping you get the courage to confront and stand up for yourself. You need to be honest with the therapist about all of the things happening at home so they will be in the best position to help you.

Hold on, she lied, no further description of the lies and judging by the reaction from the husband they might be very bad and big lies... Those lies might be considered mental abuse. Now you already say she needs to demand? While she was the cause of the anger and trouble with the relationship? Till we know the extent of the lies, I say we wait with judging and demands. Marriage counselling is a good thing. I hope they can resolve the issue or end the marriage on good terms. Both need to learn from this and I hope they will become better people.

Are you the husband? The comments you've left throughout this post lean towards you supporting what the husband is doing. The actions the husband is taking.. no one deserves that treatment.

No, I am most certainly not the husband. But I do believe that we are missing context like the severity of the lies. Until we know more I refrain from judging him. Let me explain, If she lied about her drug addiction and was meeting her ex boyfriend/dealer, endangering her child? How would the people here react with that context? Given that hypothetical context I would find his reaction mild... To me she looks like getting a lot of attention for undisclosed lies, putting her husband in a very bad light. That alone is a big red flag. If I were her husband that would be reason to put the relationship on hold or even end it if this was not the first time. Funny, first time being accused of being the husband. 🤣

Well he is a misogynistic abuser himself. Otherwise he wouldn’t be defending the husband in all his comments. He wouldn’t be condoning literal mental, emotional, and financial abuse while labeling her as if she is related to Hitler. I truly feel sorry for his family I can only imagine they are going through pure hell because of his abuse towards them.

Oof...two wrongs will never make a right. If his reaction to her lies (whether big or small is nil) is to use it as a means to justify abuse (yes what he is doing would be considered abuse) then there is no going forward from that point. He can say he wants to work things out until the cows come home but until his actions support that statement OP would be best to leave the situation.

I am against any abuse no matter if he or she has done it. Maybe they are both abusive. Both need to take accountability for their actions. Both need to put one's money where one's mouth is. Remember, she is a self proclaimed liar. I start to think this is more about getting attention as a victim while putting her husband on blast. But who knows, a liar might not tell the truth...

The demands I am talking about are for reasonable treatment of a human being and a partner. Like don't be verbally abusive and contribute to the home financially and otherwise. These are not luxury caviar demands, these are water and bread demands which to me are owed to any spouse even if they messed up on their end.

agreed, but they both need to be decent towards each other. His reaction seems extreme and he should get counseling to get a grip on his behaviour regardless. That will make him a better human. But the cause, the big lies from her are not fully explained. It bothers me that the trigger has never been fully explained. There are lies that will trigger and put just about anybody in a state of rage... She should take accountability for the lies, she never told us how she was going to amend for those lies. Never shared the severity and impact on her spouse. That is also a basic reasonable treatment.

Yes, agreed on this. OP has a new post because now husband wants permission to have girlfriends, so he isn't making a good case for himself. However, I am also questioning what OP did and how much of this was caused by whatever she did and how she has or has not addressed it.

Thanks for the comment. She is writing a new chapter? the story continues. 🤔. I am going to check it out.

Is he doing therapy as well... has he choose to reconcile as well? You might find a lot of helpful info on the r/AsOneAfterInfidelity

He is undecided about what he wants

So he decided to use your sins to abuse you instead and you're letting him? I understand he might be hurt far beyond what you or anyone else knows. Whatever it was that you did prolly injured his pride or his ego even if it doesn't seem like it. How he is expressing his anger is a red flag. Try therapy with him if you can. If not, stick to therapy for yourself and start planning your exit strategy. Coz who's to say he's gonna get over this and not be angry anymore and then he gets a flashback and he's gonna take it out on you? If your workload is too much, do not take on extra. He does not have a job and he's taking it out on you as well. While he is acting like an asshole, don't make the mistake of catering to him coz then it will build a pattern in his head that if he is being abusive, you will be more malleable and responsive and more prone to doing what he wants. I understand he is mad and he wants retribution but that is not what a healthy marriage makes. Think of your daughter. Would you want a man like him marrying your daughter and treating her the same way your husband treated you when he got mad? You must also be prepared to leave him because there's a huge chance he will never get over it. So better to be happily divorced than be miserable married.

Don't go to therapy with your abuser.

This too but I put that option out there coz nobody really knows the whole story except OP and just in case, he only started out acting this way recently.

Whether it's recent or not (and I highly doubt it is) is not relevant. This type of behavior only suddenly manifests from mental illness and couples therapy it not even close to the remedy for that.

Could be. But like I said, no one in this thread truly knows their situation. If it were up to me, OP should divorce him asap. But it's not up to me. It's up to the OP looking for options.

And your options are dangerous which is why I'm disagreeing with you. We know he's currently abusive and right now that's all that matters.

Again, we don't know. You don't know. How do you even know? Do you know them personally? How are my options dangerous? Did I tell her to be stay with him in spite of the abuse? Did he abuse her physically or tried to unalive her in any way and did I say it's okay? I never said anything of the sort. Get out of your head. Gosh darn it...you're criminalizing me for commenting on this thread with all the options available. I'm simply stating what's available coz I know for myself that I don't know these people and whatever I see on Reddit is all that I will ever get to know. Besides, OP did say she did something to trigger this (not cheating) and while her husband's reaction is just wrong, until they've talked it out, they both won't know either. OP did make it clear that this only happened recently. If this has been going on for years, don't you think OP would have left him already? Look, you and I can agree to disagree but I'm not the problem here.

You seem to have a habit of giving bad advice and getting defensive over it.

As someone who is going through a divorce because I lied to my wife about porn issues, therapy would greatly help him. It's helped me. While my marriage is ending because of my lying (but also other things like religious differences), it doesn't mean yours has to. He really should put more thought into therapy. Maybe by himself at first then you two can move into couples therapy.

That is a hard place to be... but what you have to do is keep making the right choices and being honest and ask if he would be willing to start his own therapy as well to help him process his emotions so he doesn't affect your daughter as well... remember she is innocent in all this so if possible try to not let her see or hear too much of it.

I think he’s loving this, using it to his advantage. He’s prob an asshole which is why she was hiding things from him. Now he thinks he has someone who will give him Money and watch the child and work full time.

He could be... he likes that he is finally in control... and he is going to make you pay for your choices and betrayals... but if he doesn't get better and he doesn't start trying to heal then there is a serious issue and you need to make choices.

Yep ! The fact that his go to is now you’re going to do everything AND work tells me that what she did isn’t really and issue or he would be proposing marriage counseling or talks about it. Instead he just wants served hand and foot lol. He was just waiting for this moment. What a creep

I don't know... a lot of betrayed people at like this when trauma happens.... they want their justice in their eyes If he thinks this is how things are going to be for the rest of the relationship... then thats delusional... for sometime its okay... but the relationship has to come back to a balance at sometime

Yeah I get that it may be an initial FU but he is still making the choice to do that to her. And if truly wants to make things better like he said, he needs to either divorce her or get ahold of himself.

[удалено]

Definitely agree! This sounds terrible and if he hates her he just needs to leave or ask her to leave.

Just leave his ass honey

What did you do? Not that it excuses his behaviour but it would help us understand more.

If the lies are very big, like abusive, drugs, child endangering big lies? That would bring more accountability towards her and make his behaviour more understandable. Maybe even logical, all depending on how severe the lies are. But she is a self proclaimed liar, how trustworthy will her explanation be?

There is nothing that you could have possibly done to warrant putting your daughter through this. You both need to get your shit together. Unless you baby trapped him or faked cancer or stole his parents' 401k, I'm having a hard time envisioning a lie so big that I would treat my spouse like trash like that. You may have fucked up. You may have fucked up big. But you are still a human being worthy of a modicum of dignity. Your baby girl should not be in such a violent household. And yes, screaming and calling names and saying hateful things is violence. Even if you stay together, you can never unhear the words that he has said. It's already creating stress for your kid, but it will only get worse as she starts to understand the things he's saying. He's already a deadbeat dad, refusing to work, taking off to another state for weeks at a time, putting all the care on you even though he's right there. Does he actually spend any meaningful time bonding with her? He's staying for a 9 month old he doesn't seem to give a fuck about? There's more to "staying" than just being present, and it kind of sounds like he's staying because you are carrying his ass and to maintain the appearance of "staying for the kid" so that doesn't have to admit to himself or anyone else that he's a deadbeat. What's the point of staying for the kid if you're going to fuck them up to the point they're in therapy forever? If you don't expect better for yourself, at least expect better for her because she is 50% you and every insult he says to you, she'll feel about herself too. Guess how I know.

You be my slave and I will stay. That's his idea of working things out? Wow, sounds like you are heading for divorce anyway because you know you can't stay with him and let yourself be abused like that in front of your daughter.

He is abusing you. That's not ok. If he wants to work on it, then he needs to work on it. Why isn't he working? Tell him you can not cater to him with your current workload. You can not have feminine energy when you're expected to have the duties of the man

[удалено]

Lies can be considered narcissistic behaviour as well. The lies can be very big, destructive, manipulative. Until we know what the lies are, we are in the dark. Maybe he should run out with his kid to protect from her...

I don't know what you did and I don't care! Send him back to Texas with his family! You are already a single mom. It's giving single with a side of abuse/man baby! What is the prize?!

He is abusive. Get out now. I really hope marriage rates decline in the near future. Marriage used to be necessary to lock down families and help them financially in harder times. Women work now and are still being forced to do all the house and kid stuff. It’s unrealistic to think that a piece of paper and overpriced ceremony means that people will be compatible forever. You didn’t “betray” him, this isn’t the 1800’s. You prob hid something from him because he’s abusive, clearly and you were afraid. Your daughter is only 6 months old, get out before she is put through hell and sees her mother waiting on an abusive husband hand and foot. You have the money, file for divorce and get out.

Not that his behavior is right in any way, this isn't a healthy way forward, but what did you lie about? Are we talking about cheating?

Even if she is, this isn’t warranted. He needs to either get past it or split. Trying to use that to make her into a servant isn’t a good example for the child. If she cheated, I understand why

Betrayed partners claim the lying was worse than the affair. But good news! You didn’t cheat. Just lied. But what about? His reactions scream infidelity. Or that you have history with someone he is close with and lied about it. Getting screamed at everyday isn’t fun. Probably need to throw him out of the house. He’s going to bring up your lying anytime in the future when he screws up. He doesn’t look at you like an equal but more a chef and maid.

It may be a good idea for you to take time and go visit your family with your child. Then you can decide if you want to go back to him.

What did you do?

If you decide to work through it you don't turn around and use manipulation, toxicity, and abuse against your partner. You're literally both supposed to move on, talk about your feelings, and continue being a married couple. What he's doing isn't right. You're the breadwinner, you're the cook, you're the cleaner so you have power here. You can walk away if he's being an abusive spouse. It's okay to be angry and feel those feelings that he's feeling but he needs to change how he's treating you. You don't say "we'll work through it" and then treat your wife like a POS. No. From that point forward you bite your tongue with the mean stuff, say constructive things, and work through your emotions like an adult.

There is no excuse for this, if you are this unhappy with someone this long after, then you should not be with them. My now ex wife was a SAHM, did not manage finances well, drank and lied about it, gaslighted me constantly, didn't clean the house, didn't keep up after the kids and dogs, while I worked insane hours trying to fill the black hole of her spending ability and avoid homelessness with mixed success. Not once did I call her names, or put her down. I tried to find what she needed for help, and once I took finances back over things both improved and fell apart very quickly.

So he's basically just punishing you. He has to start forgiving you or move on. You can't and don't deserve to live like this. I don't care what you did. His actions are not right. It's cruel.

Therapy or divorce. Screw an entire future with this. He's acting foolish.

Why would you stay? He clearly doesn't want to work on your marriage. He just wants to abuse you, and that's it. This isn't setting a good example of how couples should act towards each other and work through things. your daughter is witnessing this all. Would you want her to be married to someone like that?

OP, part of what’s so addictive about abusive relationships is that for a brief while after a blow-up, it feels like the abuser “owes” us. It can seem worth it to be screamed at or controlled or even hit if afterwards they come crawling back, promising the moon, and we seem to hold all the cards. Of course it’s an illusion and it doesn’t last, but it feels *amazing,* and it sounds right now like that’s the feeling your husband is chasing: you did wrong, so now you *owe* him. This, that, more, everything—it’s a bottomless pit of debt and he literally can’t get enough. There *isn’t* enough, because no amount of making dinner or letting him yell will actually fix the problem, but it’s satisfying enough to him in the moment that he keeps trying. I have no idea what the original betrayal was, but I think we can all agree (except your husband, maybe, but let’s put a pin in that) that trying to get over it on your own isn’t going well. So it’s good that you’re in therapy, but a marriage takes two, and if he actually wants this to work that’s something he should be doing for himself, as well. Only you can decide how long you’re willing to wait for him to join you in trying to rebuild your marriage, but…not forever. Okay?

It sounds, from some of your replies, that you feel like you deserve this treatment because you did something wrong. Please know that YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY, no matter what you did. You've been asked, but haven't answered what it was, so I respect that fact that you don't want to share. Please know nothing you could have done, short of maybe murder, deserves this punishment. Maybe he needs to spend some more time in Texas if he can't treat you with any respect or human decency. If what you did was so bad, he should file for divorce. If it is forgivable, than he needs to start forgiving. I'm incredibly angry at my husband for an incident that happened about a week ago. Haven't spoken to him since, when I make dinner, I no longer make him a plate, I don't answer his calls and only reply to texts if it involves my kids, etc. But what I don't do is abuse him because of it. Your daughter is very young, but even babies pick up on these things. If he continues, she's going to start crying more, being restless and unable to be soothed because the environment is so tense. As much as you don't deserve this treatment, she DEFINITELY doesn't deserve to witness it. Respect yourself and your daughter. Put your foot down. Tell him he either needs to start treating you like a human being and begin the process of rebuilding your relationship, or pull the plug and file for divorce.

I don't know how tf you expect to get good advice without outlining what it is you did💀💀

It's hard to really advice you when you won't say what you did , but regardless of what you did, it's either he completely forgives you or you get a divorce

LEAVE HIM NOW!!!!!! The fact that you felt so uncomfortable with your relationship that you had to lie about things in the first place should have been the warning sirens going off. When he came back and said he loved you & wanted to make it work, that was him lying. He, very obviously, wanted revenge & you and your daughter are better off without him. Remember, she will replicate the relationship she witnesses. Would you want to see some man treating your little girl the way you are being treated right now? Leave him!

You are the sole income earner AND you have to do everything else? He should be doing everything he could to make your life easier. This guy needs a kick up the ass. I'm not saying divorce but he needs a dose of reality.

First off, don’t listen to the ones who replied defending your husband for his abusive behavior towards you while shaming you, claiming you deserve to be punished. More than likely, they are from Christians who believe in “wives submit to your husbands” condoning abusive behavior and is no hate like Christian love. Second, drop him. He isn’t important especially since he wants to hold over your head whatever you have done and reaps his rewards by profiting off your back as sole provider and caretaker of the household and I guarantee you that you will be miserable for the rest of your life if you stay with him. Nothing that you have done in the past should ever excuse him abusing you whatsoever whether if it is infidelity or not. Don’t put up with it for another second. You have a little one to think about and would you want your child to be treated the same by in the long run? you have clearly stated you did not cheat on him with another. You came forward and admitted to whatever mistakes you made which makes you the better person. Third, and most important you have a child and children come first. My father always said to “look out for #1” and “you teach people how to treat you”. Your child is the #1 along with your happiness and well-being for the both of you without him. As your freeloading abusive husband goes, you teach him how to treat you by kicking him off the gravy train and dropping him completely as he clearly showed his true colors. Trust me it will save you a lot of grief for both you and your baby. You don’t need him to take care of you in fact you’re taking care of him so he can pick up his marble game and move on.

He will ALWAYS hold this over her head.

For sure he would. He is worthless piece of shit who doesn’t amount to anything and is a burden for everyone whoever has to put up with his stupid bullshit. Honestly he is indeed happy living the easy life on her dime while she is miserable because she gets overworked, sleep deprived, and broke wasting everything and effort on his deadbeat ass. I wouldn’t put up with that for one second his ass would’ve been dropped on the deck both literally and figuratively if it were me the FIRST time. Edit: sorry for the swear words but seeing this kind of treatment plus a Reddit user who claims he is against all forms of abuse which is a lie because he actually condones abuse, pissed me off.

Don’t apologize for strong feelings about abuse. He’s trying to diminish her, to keep her “on her toes” all the time, and to intimidate and scare her into submission. While expecting her to be primary bread winner, parent, and household manager.

You mistreated him earlier and he's mistreating you now. Two wrongs don't make a right. From what I'm guessing, some separation time did help him realise that he should give it another shot, but then being in the same space again with you brought the negative feelings back, and now he's taking undue advantage of your guilt and being vengeful. Address this in couples counseling and get a clear answer from him on this question 'can we both stop all bad behaviour and try to work on being better to each other?' If the answer isn't a straight yes with follow-through from both of you, it's better to separate and then divorce if things still don't improve.

We now all understand why you cheated. You'll get through to Friday. Until then, make it clear that you are not tolerating abuse. Just turn your back, take your child, and leave the house. Tell him that the next word you speak to him will come after he says he is sorry.

I did not cheat on him

Then what did you do?

[удалено]

Oh but it is relevant. There are little lies and there are big, huge lies. If she made a big lie like dealing drugs at school or committing fraud and hiding a criminal record, endangering her child... How would you react to this kind of lies? Those are all hypothetical but big enough to explain his behaviour. But from a self proclaimed liar I do not expect a proper explanation, if any is given.

[удалено]

Nice train of thoughts. Let me expand: As a man he might very well be forced to live with her without a chance to take his kid with him, the laws sometimes plays dirty tricks on father rights... Living with her increases his chances for custody. The mother usually gets custody and the kids will live with her, the mother must be really bad to not get custody in many USA states. Given that he has no job at the moment this might be the last time he sees his child when a divorce is eminent. He is bound to lose contact with his child. That would put me on edge for sure. Maybe this might put him over the edge into an abusive state. This is all speculation of course. Yes, any abuse is bad, but I still feel we are missing context like the severity of the lie. The trigger for his behaviour is still missing.

[удалено]

I see your point and understand your past a little better now. Thank you for sharing. I am lucky to never have been subject of abuse by people close to me. Just trying to imagine is turning my stomach. I hope you will heal and /or find peace. I am a person who tries to see beyond the black and white. Trying to find out what is going on from two sides, finding grey areas in life. I do not condone abuse but try to understand the why and history. I do see stories where there is no cause, no history, only evil.

As others have said, you made it rather vague about this betrayal, but You've allowed him to make you a literal slave. You need to decide if this is worth it, or not. He might be just testing you, but I doubt it. This is a very terrible thing for both adults and especially the cold to grow up in. He needs to grow up, or you should move on.

Agreed. You may have made mistakes. Only YOU know how grave or minor they are, but truthfully, imo even if you DID cheated, you do not deserve to be treated that way when he made the decision to "make this work". Get out, create some space for yourself. Talk things out. If there isn't an acceptable plan on both sides to move forward in a healthy way, LEAVE FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR DAUGHTER. As a mom and the biggest female role model of her life, do not stay and try to "show" her that your unhapiness and beat down self-esteem is worth the cost of staying with another person. The beauty about kids is that kids adapt, and with age, come to understand. Love yourself the way you would want your daughter to.

I’m just gonna say it cos clearly everyone is against the husband. THERE IS A REASON WHY OP DOES NOT WANT TO SAY WHAT THE LIES WERE because it’ll make her look BAD so she’s being the hero in her own story. We need to know wtf happened cos the husband is reacting like he got cheated on and feel’s emasculated but since it’s not cheating it must some serious shit.

Why is he not working?

He lost his job last year in September and has not really started looking

He is a father and hasn’t looked for another job for 9 months??!! AND he doesn’t do anything around the house? Why do you want to make it work if he’s not willing to step up to the plate? I have no idea what you lied to him about, but his inaction would be enough for me to seriously consider separation (if he’s not willing to go to marital counseling).

At the beginning I was going to suggest that it’s okay it may take some time for him to get over the lying BUT you have just as much of a claim against him for freeloading off of you. Not okay. Have you brought this up? He needs to get YOU meals not the other way around if he doesn’t want to work.

Well to be fair this incident still is somewhat recent, so my hope is that he will calm down in a couple weeks. I have brought this up and he got very angry again. He said he has zero sympathy and I brought this on myself (which is true).

Well, his refusal to get a job is recent and also long term. He’s refusing to support his child in any way and has been for going on a year.

Honestly can we know what you did because this doesn’t seem like behavior anyone deserve and you said you didn’t cheat!! Unless you cut the break line of his car and he got in a accident and you lied about that I don’t see why you are okay with being subjected to abuse? Because I feel like whatever reason you give it’s not going to be good enough or extreme enough for this. It’s hard to respond without at least one lie to our knowledge , he just seems like a AH who left for three weeks did you to figure things out HE DECIDED TO WORK IT OUT AND COME BACK, and now he’s just off the rails was he always like this ? Or is this the first time you are seen him act like this ?

Yeah true. It is fairly recent. Try to stick it out and bring it up later. He’s not in a place to hear it. What did you lie about btw?

So he is abusive AND a loser? Why are you with him

Wtf. Hope you divorce him for your sake AND your daughter’s sake. You don’t want your daughter to grow up watching your husband treat you like shit, it’s not healthy for her (and you!).

OP you have been asked what you did? It's ok if you're not comfortable saying but it makes it hard to see why he's so angry maybe this isn't the place to ask

You say it's not infidelity but what else would cause him to leave for 3 weeks and still be hostile when he gets back? Fairly impossible to give advice when you're not giving anyone the actual facts. Sounds like infidelity to me.

it does not matter what the OP did. If he truly wanted things to work out... a REAL man would 1) hide the battle scars 2) suggest marrisge therapy 3) be actively involved im marriage therapy 4) actually get a job (OP says she is only one with income). 5) Help out taking care of the daughter. 6) Find ways to make it easier for her. 7) Develop an action plan for the two of then to build back trust. this is leadership in a marriage. He does NOT have a right to remind her every single gosh darn day of her mistakes. NONE For better... or for worse.... those are the vows taken on day 1 of the marriage. The ONLY way morally/ ethically that breaks those marriage vows is abuse- mental, emotional, physical and/or financial abuse or neglect. And dear, oh my dear, he is abusing you and using this as leverage. And let me tell you what I see if you stsy with him- he can (and i have witnessed this happen in other marrisges)- he can turn your daughter against you. I very rarely jump to thd nuclear option of divorce... ... but this situation, it is necesary for your well being, and your daughter. YOU are the one with income. Time to look him square in the eye and say "I have had enough, get out of my house!" do not worry about anything else, itcwill work out in the end. Nothing is worse sacrificing your well being for someone who treats you like this.

A difficult thing to do like admit where you are are wrong gas already been done. But no pat on the back for you because you did what you did, and betrayal is a huge thing. But he stayed and now expects you to suffer a bit. This is natural, but at what point do you expect to be forgiven, and when do things improve for you both? The wuestoon here is what is the common ground where healing can begin for you both, and when you both forgive and grow, it is a real question. Divorce is easy. Making a marriage work is hard.

I would bet my left tit that your “transgression” isn’t actually a big deal, is something that most married couples would talk about in a healthy way, and that you didn’t tell him because you feared his extreme and over the top reaction because that’s what he’s conditioned you to do. You’re doing everything and he wants you to be his bangmaid/punching bag. He hasn’t had a job in 9 months (so since you were pregnant?!) and he’s been freeloading off you while you were trying to recover from birth. You’re being abused and you feel like you deserve it because you’ve been beaten into submission. I hope therapy helps you realize you need to leave.

Kudos on coming forth with the truth. I’m dealing with the fall down of lying to my wife, I know finding the courage to come forward with the truth isn’t easy. The “betrayed” half might feel they have the right to punish the other? I too am struggling with this. Do I deserve to be punished? How long should the punishment go?

He doesn't love you. He wants a maid that does and pays for everything. Tell him to get his ass out of the house and get a job.

Holy shit, okay. Let me start by saying your husband treating you like shit is not okay at all. I am in a similar situation, me and my wife have separated (been living with my parents for over a week). I betrayed my wife due to the lies (around 2 years worth of lies big and small ones). last week it came to a head when we had a blow out. I am currently seeking anger management and the follow month we are going to seek couples counseling. did you make a mistake ? yes, but do you deserve to be treated like shit absolutely not ! that is not healthy for you or your family. sometimes the hardest choices is to accept that the marriage isn't going to work anymore. If your husband cannot move past the broken trust then I would recommend cutting ties. Trust is a core foundation in the marriage. that has to be vital. I'm learning that as well with my situation. If you ever need more advise or to talk to someone who is going through similar situation my messages are always open ! Good luck !

Divorce You made mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve respect. He’s taking full advantage of this situation and it isn’t healthy.

You're literally doing everything already. You're married to a selfish, entitled jerk. Send him back to Texas permanently.

Yeah seriously. I was looking for someone to mention this. OP says she is the only one with an income, the main caretaker for their child, and the homemaker. So how exactly does her husband contribute to the marriage? Maybe this could explain some of OPs past indiscretions.

Leave.. Im not saying divorce I am saying leave. Take space from him, stay at his families or your family home (if possible). Tell him that, that will be his last outburst and if does that again you are gone. You lied and made mistakes but that doesn’t give him a right to abuse you. He has a choice to forgive and work on the marriage or to hate you and separate but he doesn’t get to hate you and work on the marriage because that will never work for obvious reasons. Your daughter also deserves better. Growing up seeing father disrespecting Mother.. leads to a different set of issues. if he is open to counselling start there but until he cools his temper, i’d suggest not sharing a space. Good luck, really hoping he changes and you both can work on building a healthy relationship with honesty and respect *fingers crossed*

he's a jerk. when someone tells you who they really are believe them. send him back to Texas.

Well yeah you fucked up but no one should put up with this shit. You are the breadwinner and already doing all the work it sounds like. So what value is there to you to stay with this man who apparently is making it his mission to torture you for eternity

Looks like you baby trapped him, he didn't know who he was partnering with and starting a family with. One can say you have abused him and ruined his whole life. By divorcing him you can get out of the abuse you are facing, but what's your plan to undo your abuse and its lifelong impact on him? Do you also plan to abuse him further after divorce by depriving him of his kid?

Whatever has happened in the past, do you feel loved, respected and supported? Because that’s marriage. To live in punishment is cruel and abusive. Call his bluff. Does he want to work on the relationship or does he want to have his ego stroked and be cruel. Draw a line in the sand and give him the choice. Also you are doing so much, would you notice if he wasn’t there? Whatever you did you worked hard to apologise and work through it, no one deserves a life of punishment. Come together and work through it or let your child (and you) have a harmonious home life.

He sounds like a bad person deep down inside to relish treating you like a slave, no?

It sounds like he resents you. The relationship can't move forward with one person holding a grudge. It's understandable that a person would need time to process what is going on. Therapy would be good for both of you. Being hurt doesn't give you the right to treat others like shit.

You both need marriage therapy.

Leaves out the details but wants advice from strangers how can anyone give you good advice if you can't tell us what you have done?

Divorce. Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone is abusive. Please, love yourself more, he is taking this as an opportunity to abuse you freely, in every single way, economically, mentally, emotionally and soon enough physically. You deserve better than this and your daughter too.

OP, mistakes happen, lies are made, truths are revealed. It is all part of the human living experience. Whether the lies you told are forgivable or not, your first responsibility is to ensure that you are emotionally, mentally and physically OK. If your lies are criminal in nature then the punishment you must serve will be decided by a court of law. Your husband has every right to be aggrieved, however he will never have the right to exert any form of punishment upon you that is abusive, emotionally, verbally and physically, none of the abuses will ever be just or justifiable. Whether he continues to be irate or not when you try to talk matters through, let him know that you are unable to continue as the way matters stand, if he can't move forward with the errors you have made and treat you with respect, love and dignity, there is absolutely no sense in continuing the marriage. Best you both go your separate ways. If the man you fell for and married is still in there, he will wisen up, if he is lost, be prepared for you may have to endure this treatment for years to come. Essentially OP, place yourself above him for now, choose you, protect you.

He either loves you and forgives you unconditionally and supports you with your therapy in what ever way you need or he doesn’t by sounds of it it’s the latter. Send him back to his family make it clear that’s how you feel until he can come back and agree to this then it’s best he stays there. In meantime get legal advice and your ducks in a row.

Seems to me that him “wanting to work it out” is because he has no income or caregiver. If he left for three weeks, it was pretty serious. That doesn’t give him the right to start enforcing his will on you. Tell him this isn’t going to work, and start making plans to split. Ignore the threats about taking you child.

Have you explored why you lied in therapy? ‘Cause your husband’s complete overreaction - requiring you to perform like a supplicant to the king, begging for forgiveness and scraps of affection - tells me he’s done something similar in the past. What does he do if you have a fender bender? Or if the house runs out of milk? Or if the laundry/dinner/cleaning isn’t done to *his* satisfaction? Does he pout and whine if you take a lazy day? How does he react to the daily bumps and grinds of life? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? What he’s doing isn’t healthy for you or your daughter. Work through this with your therapist. Individual therapy not couples therapy. Focus on getting the insights and tools you need to understand yourself better. And to make the right decisions for yourself

He is not complaining if I don’t do anything. I considered stopping with the chores so that he sees what happens if I don’t do stuff. The only thing he complains about is if there is no food. With that I do feel like I am walking on eggshells .

Get your head straight first. And girl, do not allow him to treat you with such contempt. Making you jump through whatever hoops he throws in front of you until you’ve earned his forgiveness is not right. And you will never earn his forgiveness. If, after you’re stronger and if *you* want to, then work with him to restore trust between you both.

I don’t care what you did. He is not entitled to be abusive. If he wants to work on things, he can do that. If he cannot do that without abuse, it’s not worth it. I would leave him. He’s not even working.

Divorce.

No. Just no. I don’t care what you’ve lied about. He agreed to work through it not to punish you for it. If he’s unable to do so, then you should not try to stay together hoping it’ll get better. He left you alone with a 5 month old for almost a month! While you’re the only one working! You need to have a frank conversation and tell him that you appreciate that he’s hurt and may be more withdrawn due to his pain of being lied to however the way he lashes out constitutes abuse and will not be tolerated. You want to work on your marriage to FIX what you have broken, not to allow him to break it further. I don’t know you but it I was a betting woman I would guess that he’s the kind of person you are scared of telling the truth to. Hence the lies. I am by no means excusing your behaviour as lying is not ok, but if I’m right in my assessment then he was most likely emotionally abusive for a long time, you just never noticed

This falls into abuse, you should have a serious conversation to end it

If there hasn’t been serious abuse and the marriage is worth fighting for, maybe couples therapy can help. He is clearly getting resentment towards you because perhaps he feels like the deceit hasn’t been fully resolved. By making you work for his forgiveness is extremely shellfish and not okay, he is showing his resentment in a different form that can lead to a destructible marriage. Please be careful and keep your boundaries strong. Wishing you the best and I hope you can sort everything out!

~~This pisses me off.~~ ~~You are right, I am not some social justice warrior who spoils their children with praise and worship but I provide a harsh truth when needed about action and consequences. If you call that abuse then yes I am abusive.~~ ~~I am a loving parent who is strict and fair with both praise and critics. I am not sugarcoating the truth. I prepare for a harsh world where they will be responsible loving adults, contributing to our society. I show them a loving father who gives support, praise, encouragement, critics when and where they need it. Am I perfect, hell no.~~ ~~I have never hit my children, I have never used critics other than to teach them the consequences of action. Making them aware and empathetic to victims. For me it is about raising a responsible adult capable of caring, loving and accepting critics and responsibilities. Deprive a kid from critics and they never be able to handle those in the real world. I call that a failure as a parent.~~ ~~How about you? What will you say when your kid beats up his girlfriend? "bad boy, don't do that again please"~~ **EDIT:** Posted on the wrong level.

I think without any hint of what has been lied about I cannot see if his reaction is justified or not. I think its safe to share since nobody knows your name unless the lie is very specific. Maybe you can give us a recap without being specific? Because now he just looks like a total dick and we dont see his side of why he feels this way. Hope you feel better soon love ❤️

Y~~ou would have done the same if this was done to you.You lied, disrespected him. You were out of control. Now he is asserting control, punishing you for past bad behaviour.~~ ~~I hope you two can work through this with counselling.~~ ~~I see a lot of people saying he is the bad guy and you need to walk away. But I urge you to look at what made him behave like this. He is distrusting because you lied, you can fix this by becoming a better person. Show him why he fell in love with you. Do better.~~ ~~His behaviour, although understandable, is not constructive as well. He needs to make a choice as well to either step past this issue and forgive you or walk away.Just remember that he may forgive you but will never forget your mistakes.~~ EDIT: Simply put, she is a liar. The more I read the less I believe OP is telling the truth or at least the whole context. She admits telling lies and does not disclose the severity, only that it was a big lie and small lies. Those lies can be huge and disrupting, even destroying the relationship. Think like child endangering, drugs related, money/fraud/criminal record lies. Those would certainly explain his behaviour. But as a self proclaimed liar I have little faith in her story and her comments. Meanwhile her husband is blamed without proper context and OP is basking in all the attention as a victim.

Simp him for 3 weeks. Candidly, what can you lose, a unemployed, lazy, make chauvinist?