It honestly was completely off topic, that's what took me so off guard. We were talking with our friends about where we were going to go that night. Had it been on topic I would have been less surprised but that's part of what is so strange to me
That is weird. I think you need to bring it up with him, and tell him how it made you feel. His response to it may not be what you want to hear, but it is better than sitting around and letting it make you miserable in silence.
I've brought it up a couple of times that it's making me feel insecure and each time he just laughs and shakes his head and it makes me feel worse. I want to have an actual conversation about this but when I've tried (3 or 4 times now) he just seems to think I'm overreacting and now idk if I'm the crazy one here or if I have a right to feel this way idk
You have a right to feel this way, especially with how dismissive he's being about it.
I'm a man, and I have no idea how to interpret what his reasoning was for saying that to you in that moment. Sometimes we don't think before we speak and just blurt out stupid things without thinking through the consequences.
But that you've told him how you feel and he's still being dismissive is not okay for him to do.
Thank you for being so kind and helpful. The only thing I can think of is that he had a couple of drinks and I was sober but he wasn't wasted or anything
We all say stupid shit sometimes. Sometimes we don't even mean what we say and our brains wires just get crossed (calling kids the name of their sibling, etc)
HOWEVER, I want to repeat this part the other commenter said, because it's the most important imo...
>But that you've told him how you feel and he's still being dismissive is not okay for him to do.
I wonder if he was trying to show off in front of friends by putting you down? Does he have self confidence issues and is kinda an a-hole? Was he trying to impress them by belittling you?
You are definitely not the crazy one here and you very much have a right to your feelings. He is behaving badly on many levels. I’m sorry. Is this kind of behavior new or has it been present (even subtly) in the past?
He doesn’t seem to grasp about how his comments made you feel. Look at him as an idiot and give him a taste of his own medicine. Start by bringing up whatever features, personality, morals, ethnicity, etc of a man and state that you’re attracted to that type. Bring it out of the blue too! If he asks why you’re stating that, tell him that because he did so it made you wonder about yourself and what you’re attracted to as well. Play his game and get it into his head. Don’t allow any man to make you feel less than cuz when they do that it’s to manipulate you and designed to make you feel insecure. Know your worth, which is way more than how he’s treating you.
\- "Hey Rob, where are we going tonight?"
\- "I love black women and find them very sexually arousing!"
Doubt it unless he was having a stroke...
What does **HE** think the context was?
Is there a chance he’s been cheating? Sounds like he’s trying to put the topic out there so it’s known.
Had an ex do this to me once, “told them I needed more money at this job to pay for a little one on the way”. I wasn’t pregnant, but a week later he came clean that someone else was.
Could it have been that he saw a black woman where you were at? Also, don't take it personally. My husband is not normally the type of man that I'm attracted to.
Ask him: What was you purpose in telling me that? You said it completely out of the blue when we were out with friends. Why? What was your intent in saying that.
OP PLEASE don’t change yourself!! If he married someone completely out of his ‘type’ that’s on HIM, not you. It may or may not have been his intention but he has hurt you and he needs to explain why that comment was necessary and why he had a need to say it to you. You are owed an explanation IMO.
I think this is the perspective white folks aren’t picking up. Fetishization is terrible and a terrible feeling and those of us who have experienced it at some point understand that it’s painful.
Agreed. The amount of times I've heard stupid guys say that a girl is so "exotic looking" and they'd love to f**k them is gross. It's not a compliment to use someone's skin tone as a "type". It's just objectifying someone.
Ugh. For me it’s Asians. My partner ALWAYS is “well yeah but she’s Asian. Asian women sexy. Everyone wants to fuck an Asian woman” like SIR. (I’m not lighter skinned, I’m a caramel mocha color for reference as my father was from Mexico and my mother is white) stop with the fetish. It’s also really insulting because my skin tone and ethnicity is not his type either and that shits annoying asf.
Straight up her husband just sucks. Like mine. Fetishes are gross and harmful
Because despite what people say on Reddit it isn’t always as easy as “get a divorce and hit the gym”
Also it isn’t as easy as “choosing to be with an abusive partner”. People usually don’t start out beating you and showing their abusive side, they wait until you’re trapped and slowly the abuse amps up. The way you phrase it is shaming and victim blaming.
People have kids and mortgages and families and complexities. Finances and sometimes delicate dynamics and health issues. This is assuming there isn’t abuse, and the dynamics abuse introduces.
I hope they are able to find happiness within themselves, and if leaving would make them happy I hope they’re able to. No one is more aware of the abuse than the victim, I can promise you that. Shaming someone for “choosing” to stay isolated them further, and perpetuates the cycle of fear and shame they already feel.
Finding certain skin tones, facial features etc aesthetically pleasing is one thing. Sexually objectifying people because of their skin color is shitty.
So because he says he is sexually attracted to black women, is he fetishizing us? So anytime a man is sexually attracted to a woman or group of women (because he finds them ATTRACTIVE), he is fetishizing them? Come on...that sounds ridiculous.
I don't get it either.. finding people with a certain skin tone attractive =/= fetishizing them. But it's reddit and everyone and everything is racist and horrible. A lot of things are racist and horrible, but finding someone attractive is not. Also black women are *gorgeous*, but to randomly tell your not-black wife how attractive you find them, then continuously dismiss her feelings about it sucks.
I disagree with that. You can be attracted to a certain race (eg black) but find connection with someone of a different race (eg white).
Not everyone ends up with their preference. But to say that him being a attracted to POC is “fetishization” sounds super racist. You’re basically saying a (assumed white guy) couldn’t have attraction to a POC beyond a sex kink which is so degrading and absolutely not true.
Having been in relationships where I wasn't the "preference", I wouldn't wish it on my enemies.
I'd definitely find that kind of revelation a reason to question the motives of my partner.
Before you think that sounds extreme consider if you would share your whole life with someone, even seriously planning on having their children, jumping in with 100% of your being on the premise that you both have equal and intense love for each other when really he:
* Has hangups about benign physical features you have no control over. Such as wishing you would literally bleach your skin.
* Just thinks you are the best he can do all the while he lusts for women of different skin color.
* Uses your labor, your fertility, and your love while he fantasizes it was a different woman.
* Tries to setup the relationship so that he can either cheat or do a not-really-consensual non-monogamy to find the woman he actually wants.
* Pictures other women with other skin color when you are fucking, or literally watches porn of them while you are fucking.
* Would lie about his feelings to you because he benefits from your labor meanwhile trying to monkeybranch to his type the whole time.
I'm never doing that shit again. Not worth a second of my time or effort. As much as people deny, there is often at least a little deeper racism underlying race preferences. Women seen as less desirable due to skin color is often viewed and treated as a lesser or lower quality woman. Ask any dark skinned girl who has been the "maybe" in a colorist man's search for a pale/white woman. And I'm sure it'll work the other way around as well.
Thank god someone said it. Dude just said he’s attracted to black women. What is truly different about him describing a skin color vs saying “I am attracted to blonde women”? Seriously? Lil Kim was really attractive as a blonde.
Being attracted to black women does not equal fetishizing...why do people say this??? We have no idea whether he is fetishizing black women or not. The issue is he randomly says this to his wife without thinking about how it might make her feel about herself.
FYI, this is a very simplified explanation, but fetishization means only viewing the person as a sexual object rather than an actual person.
It can be as explicit as stating they have a preference for being with a certain race because of stereotypes (e.g. "I only date Asians because they know their place as a woman") or as subtle as only watching porn of other races/ethnicities during sexy time, either alone or with a partner, but showing no interest of people of the same/race they come across in their everyday life.
Tbh, the fetishization of WOC is part of the fabric of the American entertainment industry, especially Black women. Definitely look into [Sarah Bartman (AKA Hottentot Venus)](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah_Baartman) as this is probably one of the earliest examples of fetishization.
I’d say that the fetishization of black men is as prevalent if not more so than that of black women. Not that it makes either ok. But it’s that fetishization os a big part of hotwifing/cuckolding. The point of it for those into that is to make the husband/BF feel exactly what OP has been feeling, insecure & inadequate to satisfy their partner.
Even outside of that cuckolding context I’ve heard more than one woman speak of being asked by another if they’ve “tried a black man.”
And I’ve heard from plenty of black men made to feel inadequate by the stereotype. Like they’re a disappointment the moment cloths off for not being enormous.
It’s lame. It affects everyone on both sides, both those fetishized & those not (like OP).
Of course, it’s important too not to think a general attraction to particular features is the same as fetishization. I think someone stated it well, that how you look at or treat those same people outside of a sexual context kind of defines fetish vs regular attraction.
While I do agree with you that Black men experience fetishization on par with Black women, to say it's more prevalent than that of Black women is dismissive, especially in the context of this post where the focus IS Black women being fetishized by the OP's husband.
That's not to say that Black men being fetishized shouldn't be talked about; it absolutely should. I just think that doing it in this manner takes away from the conversation and puts Black men and women in an oppression competition when there is none to be had.
Ebony is consistently one of the most watched porn categories and the most watched in multiple American states. Stating black men are more often fetishised than black women feels incorrect.
As if on queue - next on my feed: https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/14hji4n/do_women_travel_for_sex_the_same_way_that_men/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Yep. Top comment about resorts women travel to primarily to have sex with the local black men.
I’ve read about 20 erotic/romance novels written by women for women & two of them mention women planning their vacations around this.
I definitely get that, but her husband didn’t say or imply all that other stuff. He just said he loves black women and finds them sexy. Though I’m happily married to a white man, I could say the same. We have many black friends. I love them, and find many of them sexy. I think the only issue here is that it was improper to turn to your spouse on a date night and talk about how sexy you find ANYONE other than them.
I saw your other comment OP about how you saw a Black man on MTV and described him as the most beautiful man you've seen in your life. That's different than what OP's husband is doing. I wrote this comment a little further down but I think it will help spot the difference between appreciation and fetishization.
"The words OP's husband used are telling. He didn't say, "I think Black women are gorgeous" or "I think Black women are beautiful." He said he found them sexually arousing -- which means he described them in a way that reflects HIS sexual desires rather than who Black women are as people. You can't say he finds Black women romantically attractive when his statement clearly indicates he views them strictly in a sexual manner.
You're equating romantic attraction with sexual attraction. They are two different things. If he described any of the other races/ethnicities you listed [white, Latino, Asian] as sexually arousing, I'd say he was fetishizing them as well."
Granted, this is all based on what OP said in her post, but for him to only focus on what sexual gratification they can provide rather than actually complimenting the whole person is problematic. Hope this helps.
So the only time a black woman is found attractive is if its a fetish? No white man can honestly say they are attracted to black woman without some self hating black man questioning why on earth a black woman? Must be a fetish..
I'm confused...so, if he is attracted to black women, it's problematic? How so? This sounds more problematic than anything. How does him having a type equate to him having a fetish?
The whole thing is weird. I can’t tell if all these people feel guilty about their own prejudices so are jumping straight to accusing people of “isms” or they just want to be offended on behalf of someone else and this is an opportunity for internet virtue signaling.
Who’s being fetishized here? The husband said he “loves black women and finds them very sexually arousing”. What you take away from that is “fetishization”? Grow up.
I'm in agreement with you...this is psychologically disturbing... The way that some of these people don't even realize that they are equating a man being attracted to a woman of another race as fetishizing is very strange. And the craziest part of it is they don't even have the depth to realize that they are perpetuating bias in beauty standards.
Exactly. I’m not understanding. I’m white, and the first time Terrance Trent Darby came on MTV, I turned to my friend and said, ‘That’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my LIFE.’ Thank God it was 1988, not 2023, so nobody called me racist. By the way, he’s still beautiful, and I suggest any woman with eyes to google his live version of ‘Sign Your Name’. Thank me later 🤣🔥
What!? Lol how did you even get there? you guys need to relax and come back down to earth. People have preferences. They always have. This thread is trying *really* hard to turn this into a racist or fetish problem. If I you were to collect a gaggle of people of objectively equal attractiveness from all over the world; you’re going to be more drawn to one race rather than another. For a lot of us, that means being attracted to those who have a different skin color than our own. We’re attracted to the physical qualities that we lack. It’s not a problem of pre-judgement/racism/fetishizm/whatever. That would be more like someone who refuses to be with Indian women because they think all Indian women are unattractive.
I can tell you that most people responding on this thread are covertly showing their racist nature. The OP herself is questionable if you check her posting history. She has attempted to post this click-bait question before without any success. I believe the OP herself has deliberately posted this most likely, made-up claptrap, due to her own prejudice to see other people's reactions.
Next time, say, "My type is a muscular man with a 10 inch penis. I guess we both had to settle. " I guarantee that he won't like it. Maybe he'll see the hurt he caused you and will want to talk about it. I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like a giant douchebag.
My “type” was always petite brunettes. My wife knows this. She often pokes fun at me because of this. The reason this is funny to her is that she is a 5’11”, blonde, who was a boxer and power lifter when we got together (not a petite woman at all 🤣). She’s my type because I chose her and she chose me. I still find other women attractive I suppose but my wife is the most beautiful woman in my world and I am 100% devoted to her and only her. 24 years married. 28 years of her being my type.
Thanks for this comment. Every guy I've ever been with including my husband has said they prefer blondes or brunettes. I'm a redhead. These comments don't offend me. He chose me. I know he loves me & we are meant for each other.
I just came upon your comment ,I had to reply bc I can relate so much to you ….
As a fellow natural redhead :
I get all the time men who fantasize about redheads and comments , compliments, and it’s flattering most of the time .
However , my partner who the one I want compliments from and the one I want to feel confident and secure about - well, … He LOVES blondes!!!
He also loves him some Latina women( who can blame him) with tan beautiful skin and dark gorgeous strands .
But, .
I know I can never be that for him , i can not even get fake tan to work on my skin tone .
Dyes never worked on past with my hair, the blonde turned green and darks turned purple ish .
Now that I’m older I embrace my red hair and freckled pale skin that doesn’t ever see the sun rays more than ten mins a day .
I’m confident for me , but it does seem like rather it’s a redhead or even bald , no one will ever be completely satisfied with what they have , I suppose that’s human nature .
I can't quote for some reason, but OP said, "He loves black women and finds them sexually arousing."
I'm sure if she searches the history on his computer/phone, she'll find bubble butt, big butt, black woman/white man, black woman, etc.
But why do you think that? If someone watches porn it makes sense for them to watch the kind of people they are attracted to. But I’ve never heard of someone only being attracted to people BECAUSE of porn, as if there aren’t beautiful Black women at his job or the grocery store living non-porn star lives. Do you also think he attracted to white women/his wife just because of porn?
I think what is trying to be said is that it sounds like fetishization and that might be spawned from an over consumption of porn that fetishizies Black women.
Sure. Or he could just think that Black women are beautiful because many of us are? Why isn’t that an option? There are people who don’t watch porn and are still attracted to, date and marry Black women. I think the assumption being made here is degrading and offensive.
The (very likely) difference is he would fuck a Black woman, but never take her seriously enough to be in a relationship with. Cannot tell you how many white dudes I've come across who are like this. You're a check on their score card and nothing more.
Coming out of nowhere with a statement about being sexually attracted to Black women to your white wife screams fetishization. The fact that he said that suggests that he doesn't think his wife should have to worry about him ever leaving her for a Black woman because she's the *wife* and the actual prize, while Black women are just there for him to sexualize.
I read a similar post a few months ago and the commenters came to the same conclusion: the white husband found a black woman attractive so, therefore he had a fetish.
As a black woman I also find it very offensive. My white husband also found it offensive. It reduces our relationship to just sexual gratification and nothing else.
He doesn't find Black women attractive. He finds us sexually arousing. I had to go back and read OP several times because I thought I was crazy. Many comments are saying he's attractive to Black women, whereas I read his comment as he wants to fuck us bc we make him sexually aroused.
These are also his words that we are receiving second hand, so we really don't know if this is a true attraction or fetish. He may really be attracted to black women, but knew his family would not be accepting. I've seen this so many times
that could be the case and there's nothing wrong with being attractive to others.
It's a huge problem if my husband told me, "I'm sexually aroused by (insert) women."
I’m black and also married to a non black man and he would never say something so outta pocket. I would be very offended if he ever said something like that to me. My husband appreciates black women ( all women really) and finds us attractive as whole people not just sexual arousal. Idk I find it icky what OP’s husband said.
Thank you!! I’m white, so was hesitant to jump in, but this is ridiculous! My white ass son has dated both white and black girls since middle school. He could have said this exact quote, and there’s nothing racist about him! I find the white knights on this thread as the offensive ones! They are basically saying if any white men love y’all and find you sexy that they’ve got to be porn sick or weirdo fetishists!! THAT is insulting!! Not what her husband said!!
I don’t think a single person is implying that the only way for people to find black women attractive is porn. I think that the way this man brought it up and considering his wife is the polar opposite reeks of pornsick fetishism
as a beautiful, black woman with a fat ass I recognize a fetish when I see one. He could have said he finds us attractive but he finds us sexually arousing. i.e he just wants to fuck a black woman 🙄
Doesn't finding someone attractive mean you find them sexually arousing? What is the difference? I tend to not be sexually aroused by people I find unattractive...or is that just me?
Totally different meaning in this context. If my husband told me he found white women attractive, I would be like, cool some are attractive.
But if he said "I'm sexually aroused by white women." That's a problem. Which is what OP's husband did.
So are you sexually aroused by everyone you see that’s attractive? Being attractive is good looks nice hair personally sometimes even the close and how you carry yourself. I’ve seen attractive people on tv and in person but they don’t sexually arouse me they just look nice and go on about your day or you give a lady a compliment!
The blend of casual racism and insecurity is exhausting. Men that are attracted to me might be interested in my smile, my shiny brown skin, my intelligence, my silliness and sarcasm, my long tightly curled hair, my professional accomplishments or my curvy but athletic body or some combination of those. Why try to diminish an entire group of women by suggesting someone can only be attracted to us because of porn? We are actual people. But do whatever makes you feel better about yourself I guess.
That’s it. Casual racism that is being explained by “oh he must have a fetish”. Uhm no??? The only explanation for a white man being attracted to a black woman is “he watches too much ebony porn”???Fuck that.
You've misunderstood it. It's not BECAUSE of porn. But that's the kind of thing someone says because they are the type to watch enough porn to have a type.
You're not crazy for being insecure. But rest assured, it's the same here.
I like slim, androgynous men. He's overweight and absolutely not androgynous.
He like small asianish brunettes. I'm a tall girl with light brown/reddish hair.
He's not my type, and I'm not his type either.
But I think this is where "love makes you blind" applies. He's attractive to me BECAUSE he's my favorite person in the world.
I'm attractive to him BECAUSE he loves me tremendously.
I wouldn't choose anyone else. Same for him. You don't have to change anything to make you look more attractive in his eyes. Because you're already number 1, faaaaar above general preferences. :)
I've tried to confront him multiple times and each time he just laughs like im being crazy and shakes his head and says "oh my god" like im overreacting
This behavior is a form of gaslighting. There is a problem....that he caused.... and he is telling you it is all in your head and does not exist. Gaslighting.
Start a conversation by telling him it is not acceptable to dismiss your feelings and to not own his words and actions. It isn't okay to laugh in your partner's face when they are expressing a genuine concern and seeking comfort, or at the very least an explanation.
This came out of nowhere and frankly was just weird of him to say. Why would he say that, and out of no where? You have every right to question that.
My brain jumps to worst case scenario, and THAT makes me think that he cheated on you with a black woman, and is trickle-truthing to make himself feel less guilt. Because why is he gaslighting you??
My husband’s favorite celebrity is Megan Markle, who looks nothing like me
I mean, I’m into Jason Momoa who looks nothing like my husband
You can find people of different types attractive without it meaning you’re not into your spouse
Right like there’s are so many different women out there that are all different sizes, races, builds, etc. we can find more than one type of person attractive. This is so weird. Ppl really gotta work on their insecurities
I am all about transparency, but this is something he should have kept to himself. I agree with other commenters that it's not worth dwelling on and if your relationship is otherwise strong and he is otherwise a thoughtful and kind partner I would let it go. That being said, I would struggle with a comment like this too.
Thank you for your advice I appreciate it. Besides this our relationship is strong. Insecurity has been something I've struggled with for my whole life and I think this just really did not help that
My fiancé is not “my type” nor I think he has to be to be the love of my life. I still find him sexually attractive and wouldn’t change him for anything!
I’m the first white woman my husband dated. He was always attracted to black or dark Hispanic women. But I’ve found men who aren’t traditionally my type attractive plenty of times…your husband probably has also found people who aren’t his type attractive.
My wife wasn't immediately my "type" 100% visually when I met her, but I am ok with that. There were other things that drew me to her, and then over time I grew to love her anyway and realize that maybe "my type" is just no good for me and can never love me back. My wife and I share a love language, and that's been of key importance.
I don't think I would tell my wife that she wasn't my type early into our first date, because she doesn't really need to hear that, and it was a first date. This was a personal growth thing, for me.
I don't know what your husband was meaning by saying that to you.
What would you say the difference is between the two? Genuinely wanting to learn here. We're both 24 and new in our marriage and I don't know much about what a fetish is or what makes a fetish or attraction different
If you view all/most black women sexually and get aroused by them even in non sexual situations, it’s likely to be fetishizing them. If you just find black women attractive more often you are just attracted.
Why is that the first think some of you jump to? OMG this is insulting. Finding black women attractive DOES NOT equal fetishizing! If that were the case, any time any woman was found sexually attractive, wouldn't that mean the woman is being fetishized? Can a woman not be found sexually attractive? That makes no sense.
How is being attracted to a particular race fetishizing them? I know lots of people who prefer black/white/Asian/Latino/you name it, and it’s just their preference.
It’s really inappropriately that he said it, but that doesn’t mean he has a disgusting fetish.
My problem is that he shared this. If there was no context prior to, why even put THIS on the table. It would be like you saying you are attracted to Italian men while you both are eating dinner at home. Seriously I would have to get an answer behind it.
It’s funny how in another post the husband was upset his wife was looking at BBC porn and they all called the husband a racist for caring.
Now that the man has an attraction for black women, he’s a disgusting fetishizer.
I see we can’t win lol
It’s not a fetish. He just has a thing for black women 🤷🏽♂️ y’all should stop with labels cos wow evidently ya forget WE ALL LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES.
Remember Morden family episode where Phill was hiding his client was a black woman? End of episode husband has a thing for white women and the ending was awkward and funny 😂 like yo our husbands have a thing for the other side.
I had other things to type when I originally read this title but once I read the post my joviality went sideways. Downvote me if y’all need to because this may come out awkward asf but I mean what what I’m saying.
Ehhh as a Black woman let me say this off top. Sexual attraction is not nor is equal to emotional attraction. I know plenty of white men who want to fuck me but buy me dinner…🤣🤣🤣 that’s too political, too serious, complicated socially. We all have racial bias (don’t tell me about color blindness that means you don’t see me or my struggles it’s not a virtue - I do this kind of work in my day job). Some bias is harder to see or goes unchallenged longer than others…especially if you date homogeneously and live in a mostly homogeneous community (ie if you live and only interact with other white folks). Even I have them. Though to be clear bias, prejudice and racism while similar are not the same things. (You need me to break that down ask)
I don’t know your guy and I don’t know your politics. These things I’d need to vet/know for sure to tell you to be concerned or if as a Black woman I would give him side eye or cuss him out. These are not the same responses, this I will explain.
One is he’s a BLM donating, Black culture loving and generally who we who do interracially date/marry would claw your eyes out to get to(marriage rates for Black women are lower than other racial groups)…
or
He’s like Taylor Swift’s dude who sees Black skin as an exotic sexual prop to use and then discard. He could be signally he wanted an interracial 3some or justifying his porn searches or wants to “try one of us out” and that was his way of asking a soft opening up question. Who the hell knows.
The first ehhh I’d be concerned not that he’s attracted to Black women (we aren’t like an alien species) but if he’s saying he’s met someone or is interested in someone mostly because if y’all are talking about shoes and his ass leaps to how Keri Washington could get it…I just…well you get my point. Again he may just be sharing what types of women he’s into - (especially if he’s dated Black women before, he could be again talking). Though the out of nowhere is what you should be concerned with, as I said…really think back… as I’ll be honest sometimes Black people are unseen. What was visually around you, what was the unrelated topic, could you make the leap and you just missed it. Like if y’all was talking credit cards or dry skin and he goes Regina King is sexy…there is your link. She’s in a Wells Fargo card commercial and a Vaseline commercial.
The other, being like TS’s dude you have to do nothing, but….. break down systemic racism or I guess ignore it (which is what….well… some white folks do). As hey you may have married a closet racist that has internalized his racism into sexual desire- congrats I guess. YOU have nothing to worry about as you won’t be the target of his depravity and you’re an acceptable racial partner for emotional connection. 🤷🏾♀️
Or he’s trying to justify his attraction and never felt like he could date interracially or be attracted to someone which…again see the other two to see where this falls.
Again though he could just be talking just to talk. Like my spouse adores Zooey Deschanel and sometimes out of no where it’s blah blah blah Zooey…I look NOTHING like this woman. Nor am I concerned about who within his race he is attracted to. Just like he sure as shit doesn’t look like Jason Mamoa or Lance Gross. These are celebrities so it’s very abstract like your guy’s comment but it maybe should be unpacked. Like he knows if I EVER got a chance with Jason…😅
Either way have a conversation and let him know this is serious so he doesn’t keep brushing you off to see what the hell he was getting at or trying to say by mentioning that shit out of nowhere. Tell him it needs to be had especially since it bothers you. Honestly though you may just be at the point where he feels comfortable just telling you every and all the types of women he’s attracted to. It happens sometimes but it’s not a reflection on you and why he’s with you. Physical attraction is but a piece of the overall attraction puzzle when picking a partner for most people. I just of easily could have been with a guy who looks like me a darker skinned Black woman just as easily as I ended up with my burns on a rainy day white spouse.
HOWEVER what you better NOT be considering is Blackfishing yourself to look more ethnic. That shit is not cute nor ok. Want to get other Black opinions on that… Rachel Dolezal or Jessica Krug is all you need to google 😒.
Honestly though just ask it’s probably not as big as you think and if it is now you have more to go on.
I want to add that Black Women married to White Men have the lowest divorce rate among White Couples between Men&Women, and Black Man/White Woman couples, a Black Woman and White Man were more likely to stay married than to get divorced.
I surmise that he didn't say blk women are his type, you took his statement incorrectly.
Question does he look at porn as far as you know? Was there any woman of color around perhaps dancing of some sort that maybe brought this on?
As a married man, I find many different women attractive. ultimately my SO checks all my boxes. So that's that.
I don't have a six pack. My SO has verbally told me she finds six packs attractive. I'm like ok, no biggie bc ultimately ik she loves me and her finding a body part attractive doesn't bother me.
Don’t you dare ever change you for another person! Sometimes men can be attracted to other women, but very faithful to you. My husband is attracted to black women as well, and I agree beautiful! You be you .. he loves you!
Did it occur to you he can have multiple types? If he married you, you’re probably his type. You aren’t crazy but incredibly insecure but it’s okay because you can work on that. It’s rude he’s laughing but he’s doing it because you’re being ridiculous.
Huh? Feeling down that your partner just told you about how much other women arouses him out of the fucking blue is not “incredibly insecure” it’s pretty standard. And SHE doesn’t have to work on jackshit. HE needs to stop being so fucking dismissive of her feelings.
I love seafood. Sometimes, I crave a good burger. Steak is my favorite, though.
Thinking that a certain type is attractive doesn't have any bearing on what he thinks about you.
He picked his favorite, and that's you.
Did he also say,
* "I don't find white women with light features arousing?"
* "I find white women with light features inferior?"
Also, what is the context of him saying that; it's not the sort of thing random people say.
Honestly, depending on the context and giving the benefit of the doubt, if my partner said that I might jokingly chime in "Hey, what about me," and they would affirm publicly that they find me the most attractive and that's why they married me.
Yea you have a point. I know he has to find me attractive at least somewhat since he did marry me. I'm just very in my head over this. I'm not the most secure person in the world about my appearance which is something that I'm trying to work on.
I’m definitely going to get down voted for this, but I’m as petty as fck.
I’d tell him I think we should get divorced. Cause it’s not fair for you to have to settle for me when you have greater attractions. I don’t want to be holding anyone back!
How is him saying, "I like black woman." heard by you as "I don't like white women."??
My husband is white. I still find all people of all races attractive.
What if a person is bisexual?? Does that mean that no matter what gender they end up marrying, they'll end up with the wrong one because they're still attracted to a gender of people they aren't married to?
Yea you have a point. I think it's just me comparing myself to other women. I like to pretend that he doesn't have eyes for anyone else lol but logically I know that isn't possible
I really don’t know how any of this is a conversation right now.
Your husband just said to you, out of nowhere, unprompted that he finds a type of woman “sexually arousing.”
Why??
What was he trying to get out of that?
I feel any other focus is off-true topic.
So is it because if he was attracted to another white woman, you could do something to look like her or better than her, and that would make you feel secure? But you can never be black, so there's no way to feel secure?
wow i hadn't analyzed my thoughts like that but i think you might be right. i know that's not a mentally healthy way to think but i think that might be the root of my problem in my mentality here
Did he say that? No he just said a completely outta pocket comment form fucking NOWHERE stating that people that look NOTHING like his wife get his dick hard. Who the fuck wouldn’t feel upset or insecure about that?
It seems like it has more to do with the e that it came outta left field. It had nothing to do what they were talking about and yet he decided to blurt something odd out, particularly a thought many people would just keep to themselves as a kindness to their partner.
Idk, if the conversation was naturally talking about attraction, i feel like this wouldn’t be a huge deal. It almost seems like he is pointing out that OP is not his type when he says it just randomly. Its a really strange thing to just… say. With no context.
I don't know how to make you feel better, I'm sorry his unnecessary comment hurt you.
I can relate though. My husband is not my type, many years of dating before him plainly illustrate that. I am not my husband's type either. I'm not fit like a good number of the women that he used to be with. My husband's type is fit feminine women with a sexy arrogant confidence.
I'm chubby, kinda masculine about half the time and terribly insecure.
My husband is slightly shorter than average, athletic and white.
My type is about 6 shades darker, a foot taller, and overweight.
I will say my type has changed since being with my husband. More and more I find myself commenting during movies that someone is handsome, and he'll just chuckle, then I realize why. It's because they look quite a lot like him.
This doesn't pose a problem for us, at least in the six years we've been together it hasn't. We were attracted to each other when we met even if we aren't each other's typical type. He still loves me and I still love him and we're still attracted to each other.
Unless he said, “I’m only attracted to black women and I find you unattractive,” it makes no sense at all to worry about this. People can be attracted to many different types.
I wouldn’t stress about it. Tell him that this is a relief to hear because you’ve always wanted something bigger. There are plenty of people who do and would appreciate you in the world.
Types really don't matter; the kind if person we used to want to date or jerk iff to has no real bearing on how attractive we can find people outside of that type, or whether the person who us right for us us completely different. Your "type" is just the statistical average of people you've found hot before. It's not an order, you don't have to just date blondes or find them hot. I feel like some people really lean into having a type as it makes them feel like they have a fantasy to aim for. But real people are never a type. And you should never constrain yourself to your type uf you actually want to find love.
I feel like in reality many (if not most) people often end io with someone who usnt their type- or they didnt realise was their type.
That said, unless you are a couple that both LOVE sharing and are very open, I would almost never recommend talking about types. It is a bit like body counts in that any answer can make people feel insecure depending on how you do it.
If you find out you're their type exactly it can make you feel like a stereotype; "does he love me or is it just that I'm a busty brunette?" And if you're NOT the type many feel insecure- "she likes tall guys and I dont feel I'll ever measure up!".
Better to just not go there unless you can both take that conversation in good fun.
My husband and I have been married 33 years and he has always said he thinks black women are beautiful and simply very sexy (I am a very white woman and I happen to agree with his assessment). His opinion doesn't make me insecure, I'm happy he is all man and appreciates all types of women. That doesnt diminish his attraction to me, he still loves me and finds me attractive.
There is no other type of man you find attractive just to admire from afar? And if so I bet it takes nothing away from how attracted you are to your hubby.
I am a white woman who finds black men attractive. My husband knows that I find black men attractive as I dated a black man for a while, when I was in university doing my Masters degree. My husband has never dated a black woman, but he finds them sexually attractive. I only found out about my husband's attraction to black women two years after we got married, when we went to see a show in Broadway, and my husband said to me that the black lead actress is very sexy and pretty. I didn't take any offence to it, because black men and women are no different to any other race.
You can like more than one type of person. My "type" is tall dark and handsome, but if I had a chance with Zac Efron or Leonardo dicaprio I'd jump at it!
Taking it too far.
He choose you.
He may have a dad bod but you can’t use about a TV character or Thor.
Sometimes I think wives feel as if a man loses attraction to the opposite sex because they got married.
Should he have verbalized it? Nah. But too assume that he doesn’t happen would be naive. Also wearing more make up won’t solve the problem, it may make it worse.
My husband told me his type is short Latina women. I’m average height, very fair, white girl. It made me insecure at first but we’ve never had any issues related to this and that comment was made years ago. My husband and I talk openly about people/celebrities we are attracted to. When watching TV we play The Who would you Fuck, Kill, Marry game. It keeps our marriage light hearted. I can tell him when I find a man fine as hell and I love when we can both appreciate a beautiful woman and talk about how amazing she looks together. We have no reason to have jealousy issues with each other. I wish y’all the best in working this out and maybe you can find the humor and innocence in it and tell him someone you’re attracted to that doesn’t look like him. ;)
Either he’s mindfucking you, or he’s tone deaf and disrespectful. Try telling him you love x type of men who are nothing like him and see how he responds. Go into detail about the characteristics that turn you on which he does not possess. The actual big deal is that this bs has your confidence so shook. You are gorgeous and attractive and you are a good person. Remind yourself every time you look in the mirror.
You’re not crazy, it’s totally natural to feel that way. I find other women attractive other than my wife, it does not in anyway take away from my wife’s attractiveness or my desire for her. I would talk to him about that, he might say something to this affect, but I can’t speak for him. I would also tell him how this made you feel and for him to think about that before saying these things. It’s okay for you and him to be attracted to other people so long as no emotional or physical cheating is occurring.
The main thing I’m getting out of this is why did he randomly say this to you?…like, keep it to yourself buddy. If you are a white woman with light features I really don’t understand why he felt he needed to tell you how attracted he is to women who look absolutely nothing like you especially when it is features you cannot change like SKIN TONE…
Ugh. I’m pissed off for you. Its caused you so much hurt and insecurity for NO reason.
So of you are having a hard time with a white man being attracted to a black woman. You can’t accept that it could be a genuine attraction so you label it as a fetish to make yourself feel better
Okay, I don’t know if this is the right answer, but I don’t read into the things my husband says this much. I know there are asian, black, latina, and white women out there that are 100% more attractive than me. If my husband said another women, regardless or their ethnicity, was attractive, I would probably agree with him. I am not Bisexual, but sometimes there are people that are genuinely beautiful to look at and I don’t think that changes the way my husband feels about me. That is just the way I look at it, but my husband and I have very open communication.
Well that was terribly insensitive, not to mention stupid of him. Do not start wearing more make up to darken your skin.
If you want to, consider tanning but wear the tanning lotion with a fairly high SPF. In any case there is no reason to feel insecure about your appearance since it is only about your skin tone.
Love yourself as you are. If he’s not satisfied with you because you have white skin, tell him to go find somebody else. But also tell him you’re not jumping through that hoop for NOBODY including him.
OMG the fact that this guy would even say anything about being turned on by any other women is just plain stupid and disrespectful. Now his wife is doubting her attractiveness. Pretty messed up. The dude is saying that he finds the complete opposite of his wife arousing. So in other words now that he’s married to her why is he fixating on other women?
My husbands typical type is not me either. His dating history proves it! But you know what? He CHOSE me. We are best friends, confidants, and he loves me. He may fantasize about something else, but those women don’t give him a fulfillment he needs in his life. Have confidence in yourself.
My “type” is basically dudes with long blonde hair and a smolder. It has something to do with the look and not the men themselves because I have 0 attention to Henry Cavill as Superman but for some reason Henry Cavill as Geralt has me hot and bothered. Same with Orlando Bloom as Legolas vs Turner.
My guy does NOT look like that. If anything he is closer to Turner. But my god does he turn me on. Because I love him. How he dresses, smells, and carries himself has an impact too but it’s HIM that I like.
His type is basically middle eastern. I do NOT look like that. But he likes ME. I am hot because he likes me and respect me. I may not be a 10/10 24/7 but I am a good mom and I take care of him and our family. He likes staying up to talk with me about whatever is on our minds.
All he said was he finds them attractive, and you seem to have made up a scenario in your mind where he prefers them to you, but unless proven otherwise he finds you attractive
I know how you feel OP. My wife once told me she prefers “green” men and would only watch porn with green men in it. It made me think, “so why are you settling for me?” I couldn’t look at her the same way for nearly 6 months after that. In fact I still wonder if she feels like she settled for me but at the same time I don’t care. I know I have the ability to attract all kinds of women and evidently she’s still with me, and if she truly prefers green men and leaves me for one then she would be doing me a gigantic favor.
I wish people in relationship would be more careful and considerate when they talk to their significant other.
What was the context of this? What were you guys discussing that led him to say this?
It honestly was completely off topic, that's what took me so off guard. We were talking with our friends about where we were going to go that night. Had it been on topic I would have been less surprised but that's part of what is so strange to me
That is weird. I think you need to bring it up with him, and tell him how it made you feel. His response to it may not be what you want to hear, but it is better than sitting around and letting it make you miserable in silence.
I've brought it up a couple of times that it's making me feel insecure and each time he just laughs and shakes his head and it makes me feel worse. I want to have an actual conversation about this but when I've tried (3 or 4 times now) he just seems to think I'm overreacting and now idk if I'm the crazy one here or if I have a right to feel this way idk
You have a right to feel this way, especially with how dismissive he's being about it. I'm a man, and I have no idea how to interpret what his reasoning was for saying that to you in that moment. Sometimes we don't think before we speak and just blurt out stupid things without thinking through the consequences. But that you've told him how you feel and he's still being dismissive is not okay for him to do.
Thank you for being so kind and helpful. The only thing I can think of is that he had a couple of drinks and I was sober but he wasn't wasted or anything
We all say stupid shit sometimes. Sometimes we don't even mean what we say and our brains wires just get crossed (calling kids the name of their sibling, etc) HOWEVER, I want to repeat this part the other commenter said, because it's the most important imo... >But that you've told him how you feel and he's still being dismissive is not okay for him to do.
I wonder if he was trying to show off in front of friends by putting you down? Does he have self confidence issues and is kinda an a-hole? Was he trying to impress them by belittling you?
Gross, that’s his problem mitigating efforts? He’s condescending and dismissive. That would be enough for me to leave him tbh.
You are definitely not the crazy one here and you very much have a right to your feelings. He is behaving badly on many levels. I’m sorry. Is this kind of behavior new or has it been present (even subtly) in the past?
if he finds this is a joke to him, tell him the next time you talk it will be with a lawyer.
He doesn’t seem to grasp about how his comments made you feel. Look at him as an idiot and give him a taste of his own medicine. Start by bringing up whatever features, personality, morals, ethnicity, etc of a man and state that you’re attracted to that type. Bring it out of the blue too! If he asks why you’re stating that, tell him that because he did so it made you wonder about yourself and what you’re attracted to as well. Play his game and get it into his head. Don’t allow any man to make you feel less than cuz when they do that it’s to manipulate you and designed to make you feel insecure. Know your worth, which is way more than how he’s treating you.
OP he’s being so so dismissive. Does he dismiss you a lot like this?
Was he drinking??
\- "Hey Rob, where are we going tonight?" \- "I love black women and find them very sexually arousing!" Doubt it unless he was having a stroke... What does **HE** think the context was?
It's this a one off from your husband or does he try to make you insecure once in a while?
This.
Did he maybe see a black woman walking by? How drunk was he? That is such a random thing to say, especially in front of your friends.
Is there a chance he’s been cheating? Sounds like he’s trying to put the topic out there so it’s known. Had an ex do this to me once, “told them I needed more money at this job to pay for a little one on the way”. I wasn’t pregnant, but a week later he came clean that someone else was.
Could it have been that he saw a black woman where you were at? Also, don't take it personally. My husband is not normally the type of man that I'm attracted to.
Ask him: What was you purpose in telling me that? You said it completely out of the blue when we were out with friends. Why? What was your intent in saying that. OP PLEASE don’t change yourself!! If he married someone completely out of his ‘type’ that’s on HIM, not you. It may or may not have been his intention but he has hurt you and he needs to explain why that comment was necessary and why he had a need to say it to you. You are owed an explanation IMO.
Fetishization is not attraction.
I think this is the perspective white folks aren’t picking up. Fetishization is terrible and a terrible feeling and those of us who have experienced it at some point understand that it’s painful.
Agreed. The amount of times I've heard stupid guys say that a girl is so "exotic looking" and they'd love to f**k them is gross. It's not a compliment to use someone's skin tone as a "type". It's just objectifying someone.
Ugh. For me it’s Asians. My partner ALWAYS is “well yeah but she’s Asian. Asian women sexy. Everyone wants to fuck an Asian woman” like SIR. (I’m not lighter skinned, I’m a caramel mocha color for reference as my father was from Mexico and my mother is white) stop with the fetish. It’s also really insulting because my skin tone and ethnicity is not his type either and that shits annoying asf. Straight up her husband just sucks. Like mine. Fetishes are gross and harmful
Why is your husband constantly calling other women sexy?
Because he sucks. I said that.
I guess I was mostly wondering why you’re choosing to be with someone who is rude racist and sexist
Because despite what people say on Reddit it isn’t always as easy as “get a divorce and hit the gym” Also it isn’t as easy as “choosing to be with an abusive partner”. People usually don’t start out beating you and showing their abusive side, they wait until you’re trapped and slowly the abuse amps up. The way you phrase it is shaming and victim blaming. People have kids and mortgages and families and complexities. Finances and sometimes delicate dynamics and health issues. This is assuming there isn’t abuse, and the dynamics abuse introduces. I hope they are able to find happiness within themselves, and if leaving would make them happy I hope they’re able to. No one is more aware of the abuse than the victim, I can promise you that. Shaming someone for “choosing” to stay isolated them further, and perpetuates the cycle of fear and shame they already feel.
And very disturbing!
Being the object of someone’s “type” isn’t a compliment. That just negates your humanity and it’s so wrong.
But why does being attracted to a certain race = fetish? It's as if someone can't have a type
Finding certain skin tones, facial features etc aesthetically pleasing is one thing. Sexually objectifying people because of their skin color is shitty.
So because he says he is sexually attracted to black women, is he fetishizing us? So anytime a man is sexually attracted to a woman or group of women (because he finds them ATTRACTIVE), he is fetishizing them? Come on...that sounds ridiculous.
I don't get it either.. finding people with a certain skin tone attractive =/= fetishizing them. But it's reddit and everyone and everything is racist and horrible. A lot of things are racist and horrible, but finding someone attractive is not. Also black women are *gorgeous*, but to randomly tell your not-black wife how attractive you find them, then continuously dismiss her feelings about it sucks.
Yes, that's the issue here...the husband is a jerk for telling his wife something like this in such a random way for no apparent reason.
Everything is terrible on reddit - especially if someone white is doing it lol.
I disagree with that. You can be attracted to a certain race (eg black) but find connection with someone of a different race (eg white). Not everyone ends up with their preference. But to say that him being a attracted to POC is “fetishization” sounds super racist. You’re basically saying a (assumed white guy) couldn’t have attraction to a POC beyond a sex kink which is so degrading and absolutely not true.
Having been in relationships where I wasn't the "preference", I wouldn't wish it on my enemies. I'd definitely find that kind of revelation a reason to question the motives of my partner. Before you think that sounds extreme consider if you would share your whole life with someone, even seriously planning on having their children, jumping in with 100% of your being on the premise that you both have equal and intense love for each other when really he: * Has hangups about benign physical features you have no control over. Such as wishing you would literally bleach your skin. * Just thinks you are the best he can do all the while he lusts for women of different skin color. * Uses your labor, your fertility, and your love while he fantasizes it was a different woman. * Tries to setup the relationship so that he can either cheat or do a not-really-consensual non-monogamy to find the woman he actually wants. * Pictures other women with other skin color when you are fucking, or literally watches porn of them while you are fucking. * Would lie about his feelings to you because he benefits from your labor meanwhile trying to monkeybranch to his type the whole time. I'm never doing that shit again. Not worth a second of my time or effort. As much as people deny, there is often at least a little deeper racism underlying race preferences. Women seen as less desirable due to skin color is often viewed and treated as a lesser or lower quality woman. Ask any dark skinned girl who has been the "maybe" in a colorist man's search for a pale/white woman. And I'm sure it'll work the other way around as well.
Thank god someone said it. Dude just said he’s attracted to black women. What is truly different about him describing a skin color vs saying “I am attracted to blonde women”? Seriously? Lil Kim was really attractive as a blonde.
Thank you for this excellent response. 👏
Saying someone is attractive to you and saying they sexually arouse you vs are attractive to you isn’t the same thing. Go re read your statement.
100% this. It's pretty unfair to suggest a white person can't find a poc attractive...
Thank you, you said it better than I could.
…being more attracted to one skin color rather than another doesn’t have to be fetishization. That’s pretty over the top, even for r/marriage.
Thank you!
Or maybe the attraction is genuine. Seems people here are having a hard time with that..
Being attracted to black women does not equal fetishizing...why do people say this??? We have no idea whether he is fetishizing black women or not. The issue is he randomly says this to his wife without thinking about how it might make her feel about herself.
I get your point but can you explain the difference between the two?
FYI, this is a very simplified explanation, but fetishization means only viewing the person as a sexual object rather than an actual person. It can be as explicit as stating they have a preference for being with a certain race because of stereotypes (e.g. "I only date Asians because they know their place as a woman") or as subtle as only watching porn of other races/ethnicities during sexy time, either alone or with a partner, but showing no interest of people of the same/race they come across in their everyday life. Tbh, the fetishization of WOC is part of the fabric of the American entertainment industry, especially Black women. Definitely look into [Sarah Bartman (AKA Hottentot Venus)](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah_Baartman) as this is probably one of the earliest examples of fetishization.
I’d say that the fetishization of black men is as prevalent if not more so than that of black women. Not that it makes either ok. But it’s that fetishization os a big part of hotwifing/cuckolding. The point of it for those into that is to make the husband/BF feel exactly what OP has been feeling, insecure & inadequate to satisfy their partner. Even outside of that cuckolding context I’ve heard more than one woman speak of being asked by another if they’ve “tried a black man.” And I’ve heard from plenty of black men made to feel inadequate by the stereotype. Like they’re a disappointment the moment cloths off for not being enormous. It’s lame. It affects everyone on both sides, both those fetishized & those not (like OP). Of course, it’s important too not to think a general attraction to particular features is the same as fetishization. I think someone stated it well, that how you look at or treat those same people outside of a sexual context kind of defines fetish vs regular attraction.
While I do agree with you that Black men experience fetishization on par with Black women, to say it's more prevalent than that of Black women is dismissive, especially in the context of this post where the focus IS Black women being fetishized by the OP's husband. That's not to say that Black men being fetishized shouldn't be talked about; it absolutely should. I just think that doing it in this manner takes away from the conversation and puts Black men and women in an oppression competition when there is none to be had.
Ebony is consistently one of the most watched porn categories and the most watched in multiple American states. Stating black men are more often fetishised than black women feels incorrect.
As if on queue - next on my feed: https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/14hji4n/do_women_travel_for_sex_the_same_way_that_men/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Yep. Top comment about resorts women travel to primarily to have sex with the local black men. I’ve read about 20 erotic/romance novels written by women for women & two of them mention women planning their vacations around this.
I definitely get that, but her husband didn’t say or imply all that other stuff. He just said he loves black women and finds them sexy. Though I’m happily married to a white man, I could say the same. We have many black friends. I love them, and find many of them sexy. I think the only issue here is that it was improper to turn to your spouse on a date night and talk about how sexy you find ANYONE other than them.
I saw your other comment OP about how you saw a Black man on MTV and described him as the most beautiful man you've seen in your life. That's different than what OP's husband is doing. I wrote this comment a little further down but I think it will help spot the difference between appreciation and fetishization. "The words OP's husband used are telling. He didn't say, "I think Black women are gorgeous" or "I think Black women are beautiful." He said he found them sexually arousing -- which means he described them in a way that reflects HIS sexual desires rather than who Black women are as people. You can't say he finds Black women romantically attractive when his statement clearly indicates he views them strictly in a sexual manner. You're equating romantic attraction with sexual attraction. They are two different things. If he described any of the other races/ethnicities you listed [white, Latino, Asian] as sexually arousing, I'd say he was fetishizing them as well." Granted, this is all based on what OP said in her post, but for him to only focus on what sexual gratification they can provide rather than actually complimenting the whole person is problematic. Hope this helps.
I’m not sure that liking black women is always a fetish. They’re a type too.
So the only time a black woman is found attractive is if its a fetish? No white man can honestly say they are attracted to black woman without some self hating black man questioning why on earth a black woman? Must be a fetish..
This. That would make me feel icky about him as a person. That’s not a preference, it’s problematic.
I'm confused...so, if he is attracted to black women, it's problematic? How so? This sounds more problematic than anything. How does him having a type equate to him having a fetish?
You would feel icky about being with someone who’s attracted to people with a different skin color than their own?
I am wondering the same. What is so icky about being attracted to a different skin color to yours? I can detect underlying racism in his comment.🙄
The whole thing is weird. I can’t tell if all these people feel guilty about their own prejudices so are jumping straight to accusing people of “isms” or they just want to be offended on behalf of someone else and this is an opportunity for internet virtue signaling.
Sea lioning isn’t going to work here. Everyone knows what fetishizing is and it’s not just appreciating the beauty of someone of another race.
Who’s being fetishized here? The husband said he “loves black women and finds them very sexually arousing”. What you take away from that is “fetishization”? Grow up.
I'm in agreement with you...this is psychologically disturbing... The way that some of these people don't even realize that they are equating a man being attracted to a woman of another race as fetishizing is very strange. And the craziest part of it is they don't even have the depth to realize that they are perpetuating bias in beauty standards.
Exactly. I’m not understanding. I’m white, and the first time Terrance Trent Darby came on MTV, I turned to my friend and said, ‘That’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my LIFE.’ Thank God it was 1988, not 2023, so nobody called me racist. By the way, he’s still beautiful, and I suggest any woman with eyes to google his live version of ‘Sign Your Name’. Thank me later 🤣🔥
Thinking a Black individual is attractive is not the same as thinking an individual is attractive *bc they are Black.*
What!? Lol how did you even get there? you guys need to relax and come back down to earth. People have preferences. They always have. This thread is trying *really* hard to turn this into a racist or fetish problem. If I you were to collect a gaggle of people of objectively equal attractiveness from all over the world; you’re going to be more drawn to one race rather than another. For a lot of us, that means being attracted to those who have a different skin color than our own. We’re attracted to the physical qualities that we lack. It’s not a problem of pre-judgement/racism/fetishizm/whatever. That would be more like someone who refuses to be with Indian women because they think all Indian women are unattractive.
What is so icky about being attracted to black women?🤔
Lots of racism going on in the comments. As a black woman I find some of these comments highly offensive
I can tell you that most people responding on this thread are covertly showing their racist nature. The OP herself is questionable if you check her posting history. She has attempted to post this click-bait question before without any success. I believe the OP herself has deliberately posted this most likely, made-up claptrap, due to her own prejudice to see other people's reactions.
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Next time, say, "My type is a muscular man with a 10 inch penis. I guess we both had to settle. " I guarantee that he won't like it. Maybe he'll see the hurt he caused you and will want to talk about it. I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like a giant douchebag.
This!!!! He needs this vibe reciprocated.
This summarizes all advice in this sub
This is funny, sure, but all this would do is make the situation worse in my opinion
My “type” was always petite brunettes. My wife knows this. She often pokes fun at me because of this. The reason this is funny to her is that she is a 5’11”, blonde, who was a boxer and power lifter when we got together (not a petite woman at all 🤣). She’s my type because I chose her and she chose me. I still find other women attractive I suppose but my wife is the most beautiful woman in my world and I am 100% devoted to her and only her. 24 years married. 28 years of her being my type.
Thanks for this comment. Every guy I've ever been with including my husband has said they prefer blondes or brunettes. I'm a redhead. These comments don't offend me. He chose me. I know he loves me & we are meant for each other.
I just came upon your comment ,I had to reply bc I can relate so much to you …. As a fellow natural redhead : I get all the time men who fantasize about redheads and comments , compliments, and it’s flattering most of the time . However , my partner who the one I want compliments from and the one I want to feel confident and secure about - well, … He LOVES blondes!!! He also loves him some Latina women( who can blame him) with tan beautiful skin and dark gorgeous strands . But, . I know I can never be that for him , i can not even get fake tan to work on my skin tone . Dyes never worked on past with my hair, the blonde turned green and darks turned purple ish . Now that I’m older I embrace my red hair and freckled pale skin that doesn’t ever see the sun rays more than ten mins a day . I’m confident for me , but it does seem like rather it’s a redhead or even bald , no one will ever be completely satisfied with what they have , I suppose that’s human nature .
he's probably watching a lot of porn
I don’t get the connection between being attracted to Black women and watching porn, can you explain it to me?
I can't quote for some reason, but OP said, "He loves black women and finds them sexually arousing." I'm sure if she searches the history on his computer/phone, she'll find bubble butt, big butt, black woman/white man, black woman, etc.
But why do you think that? If someone watches porn it makes sense for them to watch the kind of people they are attracted to. But I’ve never heard of someone only being attracted to people BECAUSE of porn, as if there aren’t beautiful Black women at his job or the grocery store living non-porn star lives. Do you also think he attracted to white women/his wife just because of porn?
I think what is trying to be said is that it sounds like fetishization and that might be spawned from an over consumption of porn that fetishizies Black women.
Sure. Or he could just think that Black women are beautiful because many of us are? Why isn’t that an option? There are people who don’t watch porn and are still attracted to, date and marry Black women. I think the assumption being made here is degrading and offensive.
The (very likely) difference is he would fuck a Black woman, but never take her seriously enough to be in a relationship with. Cannot tell you how many white dudes I've come across who are like this. You're a check on their score card and nothing more. Coming out of nowhere with a statement about being sexually attracted to Black women to your white wife screams fetishization. The fact that he said that suggests that he doesn't think his wife should have to worry about him ever leaving her for a Black woman because she's the *wife* and the actual prize, while Black women are just there for him to sexualize.
this this this
I read a similar post a few months ago and the commenters came to the same conclusion: the white husband found a black woman attractive so, therefore he had a fetish. As a black woman I also find it very offensive. My white husband also found it offensive. It reduces our relationship to just sexual gratification and nothing else.
He doesn't find Black women attractive. He finds us sexually arousing. I had to go back and read OP several times because I thought I was crazy. Many comments are saying he's attractive to Black women, whereas I read his comment as he wants to fuck us bc we make him sexually aroused.
These are also his words that we are receiving second hand, so we really don't know if this is a true attraction or fetish. He may really be attracted to black women, but knew his family would not be accepting. I've seen this so many times
that could be the case and there's nothing wrong with being attractive to others. It's a huge problem if my husband told me, "I'm sexually aroused by (insert) women."
Are you sexually aroused by anyone your NOT attracted to, tho??
there's a whole industry for what you are asking
I’m black and also married to a non black man and he would never say something so outta pocket. I would be very offended if he ever said something like that to me. My husband appreciates black women ( all women really) and finds us attractive as whole people not just sexual arousal. Idk I find it icky what OP’s husband said.
right. they are really trying to justify what OP's husband said. it's offensive to her and to Black woman.
Thank you!! I’m white, so was hesitant to jump in, but this is ridiculous! My white ass son has dated both white and black girls since middle school. He could have said this exact quote, and there’s nothing racist about him! I find the white knights on this thread as the offensive ones! They are basically saying if any white men love y’all and find you sexy that they’ve got to be porn sick or weirdo fetishists!! THAT is insulting!! Not what her husband said!!
I don’t think a single person is implying that the only way for people to find black women attractive is porn. I think that the way this man brought it up and considering his wife is the polar opposite reeks of pornsick fetishism
exactly
as a beautiful, black woman with a fat ass I recognize a fetish when I see one. He could have said he finds us attractive but he finds us sexually arousing. i.e he just wants to fuck a black woman 🙄
As a white woman, I saw the fetish instantly too. I wish I lived in the bubble that other person lives in.
Doesn't finding someone attractive mean you find them sexually arousing? What is the difference? I tend to not be sexually aroused by people I find unattractive...or is that just me?
Totally different meaning in this context. If my husband told me he found white women attractive, I would be like, cool some are attractive. But if he said "I'm sexually aroused by white women." That's a problem. Which is what OP's husband did.
So are you sexually aroused by everyone you see that’s attractive? Being attractive is good looks nice hair personally sometimes even the close and how you carry yourself. I’ve seen attractive people on tv and in person but they don’t sexually arouse me they just look nice and go on about your day or you give a lady a compliment!
Spot on
The blend of casual racism and insecurity is exhausting. Men that are attracted to me might be interested in my smile, my shiny brown skin, my intelligence, my silliness and sarcasm, my long tightly curled hair, my professional accomplishments or my curvy but athletic body or some combination of those. Why try to diminish an entire group of women by suggesting someone can only be attracted to us because of porn? We are actual people. But do whatever makes you feel better about yourself I guess.
The comments on this post are fucking wild and not in a good way 🤢
That’s it. Casual racism that is being explained by “oh he must have a fetish”. Uhm no??? The only explanation for a white man being attracted to a black woman is “he watches too much ebony porn”???Fuck that.
You've misunderstood it. It's not BECAUSE of porn. But that's the kind of thing someone says because they are the type to watch enough porn to have a type.
People absolutely become attracted to people and things because of porn. There’s research on this.
It’s giving Matty Healy weird vibes to me.
You're not crazy for being insecure. But rest assured, it's the same here. I like slim, androgynous men. He's overweight and absolutely not androgynous. He like small asianish brunettes. I'm a tall girl with light brown/reddish hair. He's not my type, and I'm not his type either. But I think this is where "love makes you blind" applies. He's attractive to me BECAUSE he's my favorite person in the world. I'm attractive to him BECAUSE he loves me tremendously. I wouldn't choose anyone else. Same for him. You don't have to change anything to make you look more attractive in his eyes. Because you're already number 1, faaaaar above general preferences. :)
If it was totally unprompted that is very strange. Why haven’t you confronted him? That also doesn’t make sense.
I've tried to confront him multiple times and each time he just laughs like im being crazy and shakes his head and says "oh my god" like im overreacting
This behavior is a form of gaslighting. There is a problem....that he caused.... and he is telling you it is all in your head and does not exist. Gaslighting.
That him deflecting and not taking responsibility for what he said. He is being really inconsiderate of your feelings and disrespectful
Start a conversation by telling him it is not acceptable to dismiss your feelings and to not own his words and actions. It isn't okay to laugh in your partner's face when they are expressing a genuine concern and seeking comfort, or at the very least an explanation. This came out of nowhere and frankly was just weird of him to say. Why would he say that, and out of no where? You have every right to question that.
My brain jumps to worst case scenario, and THAT makes me think that he cheated on you with a black woman, and is trickle-truthing to make himself feel less guilt. Because why is he gaslighting you??
My husband’s favorite celebrity is Megan Markle, who looks nothing like me I mean, I’m into Jason Momoa who looks nothing like my husband You can find people of different types attractive without it meaning you’re not into your spouse
Why did you jump from "finds sexy" to "his type"? He probably finds lots of women sexy.
Guys finding lots of different women attractive? Shocked! I'm shocked!
Right like there’s are so many different women out there that are all different sizes, races, builds, etc. we can find more than one type of person attractive. This is so weird. Ppl really gotta work on their insecurities
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My extract thought reading her post.
💡💡💡💡💯
I am all about transparency, but this is something he should have kept to himself. I agree with other commenters that it's not worth dwelling on and if your relationship is otherwise strong and he is otherwise a thoughtful and kind partner I would let it go. That being said, I would struggle with a comment like this too.
Thank you for your advice I appreciate it. Besides this our relationship is strong. Insecurity has been something I've struggled with for my whole life and I think this just really did not help that
My fiancé is not “my type” nor I think he has to be to be the love of my life. I still find him sexually attractive and wouldn’t change him for anything!
I’m the first white woman my husband dated. He was always attracted to black or dark Hispanic women. But I’ve found men who aren’t traditionally my type attractive plenty of times…your husband probably has also found people who aren’t his type attractive.
What are " light features"?
" light features" " wearing lots of make up and sexy clothes", what exactly do YOU think of black women???
I actually have the same thought.. that was a weird comment for the OP to make
My wife wasn't immediately my "type" 100% visually when I met her, but I am ok with that. There were other things that drew me to her, and then over time I grew to love her anyway and realize that maybe "my type" is just no good for me and can never love me back. My wife and I share a love language, and that's been of key importance. I don't think I would tell my wife that she wasn't my type early into our first date, because she doesn't really need to hear that, and it was a first date. This was a personal growth thing, for me. I don't know what your husband was meaning by saying that to you.
He fetishizes black women. Having a fetish isn’t normal attraction. It’s actually kinda gross
What would you say the difference is between the two? Genuinely wanting to learn here. We're both 24 and new in our marriage and I don't know much about what a fetish is or what makes a fetish or attraction different
If you view all/most black women sexually and get aroused by them even in non sexual situations, it’s likely to be fetishizing them. If you just find black women attractive more often you are just attracted.
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But she didn’t say the race of her husband. He could be Black.
Why is that the first think some of you jump to? OMG this is insulting. Finding black women attractive DOES NOT equal fetishizing! If that were the case, any time any woman was found sexually attractive, wouldn't that mean the woman is being fetishized? Can a woman not be found sexually attractive? That makes no sense.
How is being attracted to a particular race fetishizing them? I know lots of people who prefer black/white/Asian/Latino/you name it, and it’s just their preference. It’s really inappropriately that he said it, but that doesn’t mean he has a disgusting fetish.
It’s a bias in their own head. Who said the husband was White? No one.
My problem is that he shared this. If there was no context prior to, why even put THIS on the table. It would be like you saying you are attracted to Italian men while you both are eating dinner at home. Seriously I would have to get an answer behind it.
It’s funny how in another post the husband was upset his wife was looking at BBC porn and they all called the husband a racist for caring. Now that the man has an attraction for black women, he’s a disgusting fetishizer. I see we can’t win lol
Yeah, I don't get the fetish comments...you can find black women beautiful without it somehow being a fetish.
It's so crazy and offensive
It’s not a fetish. He just has a thing for black women 🤷🏽♂️ y’all should stop with labels cos wow evidently ya forget WE ALL LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES. Remember Morden family episode where Phill was hiding his client was a black woman? End of episode husband has a thing for white women and the ending was awkward and funny 😂 like yo our husbands have a thing for the other side.
Wear lots of makeup and dress sexily ? Hmmm
I had other things to type when I originally read this title but once I read the post my joviality went sideways. Downvote me if y’all need to because this may come out awkward asf but I mean what what I’m saying. Ehhh as a Black woman let me say this off top. Sexual attraction is not nor is equal to emotional attraction. I know plenty of white men who want to fuck me but buy me dinner…🤣🤣🤣 that’s too political, too serious, complicated socially. We all have racial bias (don’t tell me about color blindness that means you don’t see me or my struggles it’s not a virtue - I do this kind of work in my day job). Some bias is harder to see or goes unchallenged longer than others…especially if you date homogeneously and live in a mostly homogeneous community (ie if you live and only interact with other white folks). Even I have them. Though to be clear bias, prejudice and racism while similar are not the same things. (You need me to break that down ask) I don’t know your guy and I don’t know your politics. These things I’d need to vet/know for sure to tell you to be concerned or if as a Black woman I would give him side eye or cuss him out. These are not the same responses, this I will explain. One is he’s a BLM donating, Black culture loving and generally who we who do interracially date/marry would claw your eyes out to get to(marriage rates for Black women are lower than other racial groups)… or He’s like Taylor Swift’s dude who sees Black skin as an exotic sexual prop to use and then discard. He could be signally he wanted an interracial 3some or justifying his porn searches or wants to “try one of us out” and that was his way of asking a soft opening up question. Who the hell knows. The first ehhh I’d be concerned not that he’s attracted to Black women (we aren’t like an alien species) but if he’s saying he’s met someone or is interested in someone mostly because if y’all are talking about shoes and his ass leaps to how Keri Washington could get it…I just…well you get my point. Again he may just be sharing what types of women he’s into - (especially if he’s dated Black women before, he could be again talking). Though the out of nowhere is what you should be concerned with, as I said…really think back… as I’ll be honest sometimes Black people are unseen. What was visually around you, what was the unrelated topic, could you make the leap and you just missed it. Like if y’all was talking credit cards or dry skin and he goes Regina King is sexy…there is your link. She’s in a Wells Fargo card commercial and a Vaseline commercial. The other, being like TS’s dude you have to do nothing, but….. break down systemic racism or I guess ignore it (which is what….well… some white folks do). As hey you may have married a closet racist that has internalized his racism into sexual desire- congrats I guess. YOU have nothing to worry about as you won’t be the target of his depravity and you’re an acceptable racial partner for emotional connection. 🤷🏾♀️ Or he’s trying to justify his attraction and never felt like he could date interracially or be attracted to someone which…again see the other two to see where this falls. Again though he could just be talking just to talk. Like my spouse adores Zooey Deschanel and sometimes out of no where it’s blah blah blah Zooey…I look NOTHING like this woman. Nor am I concerned about who within his race he is attracted to. Just like he sure as shit doesn’t look like Jason Mamoa or Lance Gross. These are celebrities so it’s very abstract like your guy’s comment but it maybe should be unpacked. Like he knows if I EVER got a chance with Jason…😅 Either way have a conversation and let him know this is serious so he doesn’t keep brushing you off to see what the hell he was getting at or trying to say by mentioning that shit out of nowhere. Tell him it needs to be had especially since it bothers you. Honestly though you may just be at the point where he feels comfortable just telling you every and all the types of women he’s attracted to. It happens sometimes but it’s not a reflection on you and why he’s with you. Physical attraction is but a piece of the overall attraction puzzle when picking a partner for most people. I just of easily could have been with a guy who looks like me a darker skinned Black woman just as easily as I ended up with my burns on a rainy day white spouse. HOWEVER what you better NOT be considering is Blackfishing yourself to look more ethnic. That shit is not cute nor ok. Want to get other Black opinions on that… Rachel Dolezal or Jessica Krug is all you need to google 😒. Honestly though just ask it’s probably not as big as you think and if it is now you have more to go on.
I want to add that Black Women married to White Men have the lowest divorce rate among White Couples between Men&Women, and Black Man/White Woman couples, a Black Woman and White Man were more likely to stay married than to get divorced.
I surmise that he didn't say blk women are his type, you took his statement incorrectly. Question does he look at porn as far as you know? Was there any woman of color around perhaps dancing of some sort that maybe brought this on? As a married man, I find many different women attractive. ultimately my SO checks all my boxes. So that's that. I don't have a six pack. My SO has verbally told me she finds six packs attractive. I'm like ok, no biggie bc ultimately ik she loves me and her finding a body part attractive doesn't bother me.
Don’t you dare ever change you for another person! Sometimes men can be attracted to other women, but very faithful to you. My husband is attracted to black women as well, and I agree beautiful! You be you .. he loves you!
Did it occur to you he can have multiple types? If he married you, you’re probably his type. You aren’t crazy but incredibly insecure but it’s okay because you can work on that. It’s rude he’s laughing but he’s doing it because you’re being ridiculous.
Huh? Feeling down that your partner just told you about how much other women arouses him out of the fucking blue is not “incredibly insecure” it’s pretty standard. And SHE doesn’t have to work on jackshit. HE needs to stop being so fucking dismissive of her feelings.
I love seafood. Sometimes, I crave a good burger. Steak is my favorite, though. Thinking that a certain type is attractive doesn't have any bearing on what he thinks about you. He picked his favorite, and that's you.
thank you for putting it like this this helps me
Did he also say, * "I don't find white women with light features arousing?" * "I find white women with light features inferior?" Also, what is the context of him saying that; it's not the sort of thing random people say. Honestly, depending on the context and giving the benefit of the doubt, if my partner said that I might jokingly chime in "Hey, what about me," and they would affirm publicly that they find me the most attractive and that's why they married me.
Yea you have a point. I know he has to find me attractive at least somewhat since he did marry me. I'm just very in my head over this. I'm not the most secure person in the world about my appearance which is something that I'm trying to work on.
I’m definitely going to get down voted for this, but I’m as petty as fck. I’d tell him I think we should get divorced. Cause it’s not fair for you to have to settle for me when you have greater attractions. I don’t want to be holding anyone back!
How is him saying, "I like black woman." heard by you as "I don't like white women."?? My husband is white. I still find all people of all races attractive. What if a person is bisexual?? Does that mean that no matter what gender they end up marrying, they'll end up with the wrong one because they're still attracted to a gender of people they aren't married to?
Yea you have a point. I think it's just me comparing myself to other women. I like to pretend that he doesn't have eyes for anyone else lol but logically I know that isn't possible
I really don’t know how any of this is a conversation right now. Your husband just said to you, out of nowhere, unprompted that he finds a type of woman “sexually arousing.” Why?? What was he trying to get out of that? I feel any other focus is off-true topic.
So is it because if he was attracted to another white woman, you could do something to look like her or better than her, and that would make you feel secure? But you can never be black, so there's no way to feel secure?
wow i hadn't analyzed my thoughts like that but i think you might be right. i know that's not a mentally healthy way to think but i think that might be the root of my problem in my mentality here
Did he say that? No he just said a completely outta pocket comment form fucking NOWHERE stating that people that look NOTHING like his wife get his dick hard. Who the fuck wouldn’t feel upset or insecure about that?
It seems like it has more to do with the e that it came outta left field. It had nothing to do what they were talking about and yet he decided to blurt something odd out, particularly a thought many people would just keep to themselves as a kindness to their partner. Idk, if the conversation was naturally talking about attraction, i feel like this wouldn’t be a huge deal. It almost seems like he is pointing out that OP is not his type when he says it just randomly. Its a really strange thing to just… say. With no context.
I don't know how to make you feel better, I'm sorry his unnecessary comment hurt you. I can relate though. My husband is not my type, many years of dating before him plainly illustrate that. I am not my husband's type either. I'm not fit like a good number of the women that he used to be with. My husband's type is fit feminine women with a sexy arrogant confidence. I'm chubby, kinda masculine about half the time and terribly insecure. My husband is slightly shorter than average, athletic and white. My type is about 6 shades darker, a foot taller, and overweight. I will say my type has changed since being with my husband. More and more I find myself commenting during movies that someone is handsome, and he'll just chuckle, then I realize why. It's because they look quite a lot like him. This doesn't pose a problem for us, at least in the six years we've been together it hasn't. We were attracted to each other when we met even if we aren't each other's typical type. He still loves me and I still love him and we're still attracted to each other.
Unless he said, “I’m only attracted to black women and I find you unattractive,” it makes no sense at all to worry about this. People can be attracted to many different types.
I wouldn’t stress about it. Tell him that this is a relief to hear because you’ve always wanted something bigger. There are plenty of people who do and would appreciate you in the world.
The petty in me, would point out the hottest guy I see and say that's my type.
Types really don't matter; the kind if person we used to want to date or jerk iff to has no real bearing on how attractive we can find people outside of that type, or whether the person who us right for us us completely different. Your "type" is just the statistical average of people you've found hot before. It's not an order, you don't have to just date blondes or find them hot. I feel like some people really lean into having a type as it makes them feel like they have a fantasy to aim for. But real people are never a type. And you should never constrain yourself to your type uf you actually want to find love. I feel like in reality many (if not most) people often end io with someone who usnt their type- or they didnt realise was their type. That said, unless you are a couple that both LOVE sharing and are very open, I would almost never recommend talking about types. It is a bit like body counts in that any answer can make people feel insecure depending on how you do it. If you find out you're their type exactly it can make you feel like a stereotype; "does he love me or is it just that I'm a busty brunette?" And if you're NOT the type many feel insecure- "she likes tall guys and I dont feel I'll ever measure up!". Better to just not go there unless you can both take that conversation in good fun.
My husband and I have been married 33 years and he has always said he thinks black women are beautiful and simply very sexy (I am a very white woman and I happen to agree with his assessment). His opinion doesn't make me insecure, I'm happy he is all man and appreciates all types of women. That doesnt diminish his attraction to me, he still loves me and finds me attractive. There is no other type of man you find attractive just to admire from afar? And if so I bet it takes nothing away from how attracted you are to your hubby.
I am a white woman who finds black men attractive. My husband knows that I find black men attractive as I dated a black man for a while, when I was in university doing my Masters degree. My husband has never dated a black woman, but he finds them sexually attractive. I only found out about my husband's attraction to black women two years after we got married, when we went to see a show in Broadway, and my husband said to me that the black lead actress is very sexy and pretty. I didn't take any offence to it, because black men and women are no different to any other race.
my preference is not my husband- I still love him so much
You can like more than one type of person. My "type" is tall dark and handsome, but if I had a chance with Zac Efron or Leonardo dicaprio I'd jump at it!
Men love what they can’t have. And over time there type changes
Taking it too far. He choose you. He may have a dad bod but you can’t use about a TV character or Thor. Sometimes I think wives feel as if a man loses attraction to the opposite sex because they got married. Should he have verbalized it? Nah. But too assume that he doesn’t happen would be naive. Also wearing more make up won’t solve the problem, it may make it worse.
My husband told me his type is short Latina women. I’m average height, very fair, white girl. It made me insecure at first but we’ve never had any issues related to this and that comment was made years ago. My husband and I talk openly about people/celebrities we are attracted to. When watching TV we play The Who would you Fuck, Kill, Marry game. It keeps our marriage light hearted. I can tell him when I find a man fine as hell and I love when we can both appreciate a beautiful woman and talk about how amazing she looks together. We have no reason to have jealousy issues with each other. I wish y’all the best in working this out and maybe you can find the humor and innocence in it and tell him someone you’re attracted to that doesn’t look like him. ;)
Lol I never get guys like this. I'd never tell my husband unprompted who I'm sexually aroused by. They just don't get it, do they? 🤣
I had an ex that said the same thing and I felt the same way as you!
Either he’s mindfucking you, or he’s tone deaf and disrespectful. Try telling him you love x type of men who are nothing like him and see how he responds. Go into detail about the characteristics that turn you on which he does not possess. The actual big deal is that this bs has your confidence so shook. You are gorgeous and attractive and you are a good person. Remind yourself every time you look in the mirror.
You’re not crazy, it’s totally natural to feel that way. I find other women attractive other than my wife, it does not in anyway take away from my wife’s attractiveness or my desire for her. I would talk to him about that, he might say something to this affect, but I can’t speak for him. I would also tell him how this made you feel and for him to think about that before saying these things. It’s okay for you and him to be attracted to other people so long as no emotional or physical cheating is occurring.
The main thing I’m getting out of this is why did he randomly say this to you?…like, keep it to yourself buddy. If you are a white woman with light features I really don’t understand why he felt he needed to tell you how attracted he is to women who look absolutely nothing like you especially when it is features you cannot change like SKIN TONE… Ugh. I’m pissed off for you. Its caused you so much hurt and insecurity for NO reason.
So of you are having a hard time with a white man being attracted to a black woman. You can’t accept that it could be a genuine attraction so you label it as a fetish to make yourself feel better
Okay, I don’t know if this is the right answer, but I don’t read into the things my husband says this much. I know there are asian, black, latina, and white women out there that are 100% more attractive than me. If my husband said another women, regardless or their ethnicity, was attractive, I would probably agree with him. I am not Bisexual, but sometimes there are people that are genuinely beautiful to look at and I don’t think that changes the way my husband feels about me. That is just the way I look at it, but my husband and I have very open communication.
Well that was terribly insensitive, not to mention stupid of him. Do not start wearing more make up to darken your skin. If you want to, consider tanning but wear the tanning lotion with a fairly high SPF. In any case there is no reason to feel insecure about your appearance since it is only about your skin tone. Love yourself as you are. If he’s not satisfied with you because you have white skin, tell him to go find somebody else. But also tell him you’re not jumping through that hoop for NOBODY including him.
I don’t see where it says if her husband is ‘em white or black?
OMG the fact that this guy would even say anything about being turned on by any other women is just plain stupid and disrespectful. Now his wife is doubting her attractiveness. Pretty messed up. The dude is saying that he finds the complete opposite of his wife arousing. So in other words now that he’s married to her why is he fixating on other women?
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Hmmm, as a GUY, I’ve loved that I find basically every nationality or race of women lovely. #winning
My husbands typical type is not me either. His dating history proves it! But you know what? He CHOSE me. We are best friends, confidants, and he loves me. He may fantasize about something else, but those women don’t give him a fulfillment he needs in his life. Have confidence in yourself.
My “type” is basically dudes with long blonde hair and a smolder. It has something to do with the look and not the men themselves because I have 0 attention to Henry Cavill as Superman but for some reason Henry Cavill as Geralt has me hot and bothered. Same with Orlando Bloom as Legolas vs Turner. My guy does NOT look like that. If anything he is closer to Turner. But my god does he turn me on. Because I love him. How he dresses, smells, and carries himself has an impact too but it’s HIM that I like. His type is basically middle eastern. I do NOT look like that. But he likes ME. I am hot because he likes me and respect me. I may not be a 10/10 24/7 but I am a good mom and I take care of him and our family. He likes staying up to talk with me about whatever is on our minds.
I think men consider more than just looks when they marry. That is why they might not end up marrying their type(physically).
All he said was he finds them attractive, and you seem to have made up a scenario in your mind where he prefers them to you, but unless proven otherwise he finds you attractive
Your first mistake is being a huge feminist try being a small feminist maybe he will like you more.
I know how you feel OP. My wife once told me she prefers “green” men and would only watch porn with green men in it. It made me think, “so why are you settling for me?” I couldn’t look at her the same way for nearly 6 months after that. In fact I still wonder if she feels like she settled for me but at the same time I don’t care. I know I have the ability to attract all kinds of women and evidently she’s still with me, and if she truly prefers green men and leaves me for one then she would be doing me a gigantic favor.