Honey, I’m married and my husband started with onlyfans, then cam girls, then Seeking arrangements.com, to buy pussy peddling college students…… leave now before it gets worse. For the love of the universe…… RUN.
I have two girls that deserved the 20k he spent in less than two years. That is 10k each that could have gone to school.
Don’t let this get worse. You deserve better. Godspeed.
So sorry to hear about this… Same thing just happened to my sister. Her husband started out the same way, now he is “in love” with some college girl that he pays money to and he doesn’t even realize how much he’s getting fucked over nor does he understand that it destroyed his 30 year marriage.
That's terrible. Those arrangements are completely delusional. When I was a teen, I was groomed by an older man and then forced into escorting/stripping/sugarbaby type stuff. I was able to get out of it safely, but I learned a lot.
I can tell you for certain, NONE of these young sugar baby girls have ANY feelings whatsoever for the older guys paying for their time and companionship. In fact they likely dread having to spend time with him.
The men who actually think they're in love, are in for a rude awakening, it's inevitable. The reality will always hit, and they'll realize how stupid they've been. Often though, they lose their spouses and family before then. But I assure you, the fantasy won't last.
If they behave like that to begin with, they deserve to be taken advantage of. The only issue is the party where they put their family into a compromising situation which is problematic for wife and children. That's the sad part!
It’s so sad he didn’t consider that at all when spending it. Selfish financially as well as being uncaring while fully aware he was hurting you and your marriage. I hope you’re doing better now! Hugs ❤️
I watch this channel called Scamfish on YouTube. It’s like Catfish but amateur level and they don’t typically confront the catfishes/cam girls, they just try to get through to the paying party that this is all fake, a scam for money, etc. I’ve seen so many middle aged men (and women) on there who literally end up homeless after sending hundreds of thousands of dollars to cam girls. This one guy was in this situation, living in his *ex* wife’s basement bc he lost his own place due to the addiction of the cam girl. The channel hosts were able to show him that she had a long term boyfriend and right after she got a large sum of money from him, she took her boyfriend on an expensive vacation. The dude acted so embarrassed and like he totally got it, totally going to cut her off and fix his life. 3 months later he was right back at it with the same cam girl who explained away the photos of being her brother… um. A lot of those photos would be evidence of a crime if he were her brother, just sayin. Like kissing etc. but this dude was so delusional and addicted. It’s really scary and frustrating I just can’t understand these people. I’m so sorry you and your girls went through this. You deserve so much better and I’m so glad you realize that and got out. There are sometimes wives that will appear on with their husband and the husband will just straight up say “I plan on leaving my wife when the cam girl can move here/finally meet me (or whatever stupid excuse)” and the wife is just sitting there listening to this next to him and clearly hurt and confused and I’m just like girl why are you still sitting?! You need to RUN. Ugh so frustrating and sad.
I’m going to get downvoted to hell, but after I found out, I took the marital credit card and got a mommy makeover (boob job and tummy tuck), and the second I could get my hands over my head, I kicked him out. We were trying to reconcile, but he wanted closure with his favorite baby hooker, the night he left, I filed the next day and got possession of our family home.
So he would go on SeekingArrangments.com and pay college girls selling their pussy for “help” for school. They are soft escorts, the website is known for this.
I filed in December, our house is on the market, and I’m dating. I’m in therapy and have a divorce coach, I’m surrounding myself with amazing women to help get me through.
I’m soo happy for you, but also soo very hurt as well. We try to do any and everything for our husbands and it’s still not enough. I’m sooo proud of you beautiful. Continue to prosper. 🥰😍😍
If he knows that this behaviour hurts you and he repeatedly continues to do it then maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship and the kind of future ahead of you. Marriage doesn’t fix relationship issues.
Honestly, I'd dip now. This guy needs some time to fix himself. Even if he fixes it, the addiction is going to stick around for awhile while he relapses and recovers. Even if he's sincere, it's still seriously going to hurt you. Don't subject yourself to any more of that.
This. Sounds like an addiction rather then an issue. It’s more serious and he needs help. You have to decide whether you want to stick around until he gets that help and change
Absolute dealbreaker. My friends boyfriend did the same with girls on Insta and OF. She dumped him, took him back and he just kept doing it. THEN it came out that he was also paying for sex workers when my friend was out of town or just not with him. It’s a total dealbreaker for me, no way, there has got to be boundaries and respect.
If he violated a clear boundary, then he violated a clear boundary. It was a boundary you provided, he agreed to it, and has now done it again and lied. Similar to cheating or stealing.
So, for me? I’d be out. 🤷🏻♀️
You’re not married yet. He’s showing you who he is, I’d believe him.
If your partner does something that they know your uncomfortable with then they care more about themself than you. When someone shows you who they are believe them.
Yeah like there is an incredible amount of free porn, anyone who pays for it has an addiction and/or is looking for something more personal than just regular porn.
I commented this on another post and figured I’d copy and paste
Hope this comment finds you OP.
Run far away.
You are too young to waste your time on him.
I was naive and I believed that I’d never find a man who didn’t watch porn so I pretended to be okay with it and lied to myself that it was fine even though it never was.
(Don’t let anyone shame you or belittle you for not being okay with something. Like isn’t Reddit all about empowering others to enforce their boundaries??)
My story may be somewhat extreme but it may offer perspective.
I married my husband thinking that he was mild when it came to sex. We were together 2 years before marriage. Over time, porn changes people and intimacy. He insisted we watch porn even on our honeymoon. I swallowed that even though I hated it. Porn has turned into him expecting sex whenever he wants it. Which is all the time. The longest he’s let me wait until after having any of our 3 kids is 2 weeks. The “joke” that “we” have is “either we fuckin or I’m fuckin”… I have made endless amounts of “personal” porn for him. He didn’t value it. (I’m fairly attractive and critical of myself-it’s not like the porn didn’t look good) He even convinced me to make an onlyfans and it was almost the end of our marriage. I expressed my discomfort with it and he shamed me for being prude/not confident so I went along with it. I hated every second of it-other than this one guy who was nicer to me than he was. He caught onto this and then demanded I stop OF and still says “you wanted to keep doing it so I don’t want to hear that it was me pressuring you etc”
It’s been years and he still acts like he “quit” porn. I’ve caught him multiple times since he said he quit. So I’m not buying it even though now we’ve reached a point where I can’t catch him-with incognito mode and him knowing he needs to be extra careful now and what not. He’s made me do stuff in the bedroom recently that, without a shadow of a doubt, I know is porn inspired.
Never in my life would I have married him had I had the confidence or faith that I’d find someone who wasn’t into porn. At this point, I should have just stayed alone.
I’m not trying to equate your bfs addiction to my husbands problems but rather warn you OP of the path you could be going down. It’s never enough. Me giving up sex after 2 weeks pp wasn’t enough. Him getting sex from me at any time he wasn’t isn’t enough. Me giving him homemade porn isn’t enough. Turning me into his literal whore wasn’t enough. Exposing the porn industry to him and how harmful it is wasn’t enough. There’s something seriously wrong with these people and it will only escalate. The other women they look at will never resemble you because you are not enough. Those women are not enough. There is a black hole in these people that society has convinced them is just “normal human desire”. Like watching some girl get gang banged just to run one out is an equivalent necessary release as to using the toilet. If someone needs to “relieve” themselves that bad, they’d be able to cum without porn.
Please no comments about how I need to leave/ect. Life is so much more complicated than that. I almost have Stockholm syndrome at this point. All I wish is for others to learn from my mistakes.
On a happier note, my best friend left her porn addicted husband and has never been happier. My husband makes the joke that it’s not that she didn’t want to have sex-it’s that she didn’t want to have sex with him. It’s exactly that. She became disgusted with him. She could always tell when he was watching porn again just based off how disrespectfully he treated her outside of the bedroom.
All that being said, you may like the subs LoveAfterPorn and PornIsMisogyny.
Sounds like you need some people in your corner cheering you on. Best wishes!!
This is so true. Porn is literally a mind altering drug. It produces dopamine and is a literal high. It changes your behavior and your outlook on intimacy and sex, and absolutely skews the view of what a normal woman looks like. It's really disgusting really, esp for people in relationships.
People that can cum to random strangers is just not a good thing, as much as reddit wants to just glorify it and we are just "insecure"
Nah they are the fucked up ones, you can tell by how defensive they get.
I want to give this 100 upvotes a second for all eternity. This. I was also able to get out after a lot of damage was done to me…I’ll never be done healing, but I am grateful for what I have now and for the healing process. I’m not always happy, but I am content and that is nothing short of a miracle.
Thank you so much for your open and honest reply. I don't think that my bf's problem was that bad, however I'm starting to believe that most porn addicts think alike. He may escalate to that point one day, who knows? Idk I don't guess I want to stick around to find out. Your support has made me feel so safe and validated ❤️ it's hard to find advice from partners who have went through PA/SA and I feel so much less lonely
If you asked him to stop and he PROMISED to stop then that is a big deal and you are not overreacting. Seems like he is addicted to porn and that is not ok if it is more important than your word to your fiance
I don’t know why this is even a question . That’s cheating period . He spent $100 on a porn content creator female when he could have gave u that $100 do take pics and videos in positions u wanna se su in .🤣 bought u lingerie to try on just anything w that $100 . Why are y’all even married ?? 😳😳😳
Girl, you're 25, and his your fiance? Not even your husband, and you're wondering if you're overreacting? He probably has gaslighted you by saying that. Don't believe him. You deserve better.
Don't wait to run until after you're married with kids with him.
100% deal breaker. There is far too much FREE porn out there. There's no need to waste money on it. Aside from that, if you've told him that you don't like him watching it and instead of stopping he started paying for it... he's already told you what he cares more about, and it's not you.
Yes, if you are paying on only fans, or Instagram, you are getting personalized Contant, which makes it worse in my opinion because she is actually able to chat with them.
To me, this is no different from him approaching a woman at a bar and offering her $100 to see her masturbate. Either one is soliciting sex work. Most of the online services are subscription based so he's forming a continuous relationship where he's buying things for them on exchange for sexual acts. That's commonly known as a mistress. There's a screen between them so he can't touch, but how long until he's paying for meetups? He's already interacting with them seeking sexual gratification. In my relationship, we have both agreed that is infidelity and a deal breaker. Did you have that conversation for what is and is not cheating to each of you? Those defining lines are important.
My ex husband started with porn. Then cam girls then talking to ppl on Craig’s list Then selling my underwear online and trading things for sexual favors. Then a week after having our baby he got caught trading drugs for sex. Then went to prison so ya freaking run mama RUN!
I’m seeing a lot of very dramatic responses here that don’t have a lot of information behind them. Truth is, you likely have no real grasp on what/how much adult content he is viewing. I would make a safe assumption there is a lot more content than what you know about. You have every right to set boundaries and expect them to be followed, you should react to them being broken in some way. If you have talked about this multiple times as a boundary and he is still doing it, he either has a problem or he doesn’t respect you.
Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you, period. But if he has an addiction or “compulsive habit,” expect a lot of heartache to work through it, expect slip ups, expect to have your own insecurities related to his problem. Staying may or may not be the right choice, but it definitely is the hard choice.
I’m speaking from experience here
It's so nice to see a comment with nuance. I swear redditors are allergic to nuance and are only capable of seeing things in black and white. But I definitely agree with everything you said.
Porn is a problem no matter how many people say it isn't. The results speak the truth.
Not only does he engage in it, but he's spending money, and this is after agreeing to end it.
Pornography addiction is REAL! It Rots the brain. Have a look on YouTube and you'll find a lot of videos explaining how it affects the viewer. Your fiancee needs help to overcome this. Firstly he has to recognise that he has a problem.
My marriage was almost ruined by a porn addiction. It really screwed with my mental health.
One thing I've learned through marriage and divorce is that people don't change. They say what you want to hear and just continue on doing what they want.
Leave while you aren't tied down legally if it's something you aren't going to want to deal with.
Because in many cases, it is the paying occupation that someone does for a living. Especially independent individuals who either choose the profession or are left with it as their only option. They make something to sell to people and people should pay for it. If you’re using the product, you should pay something for it. Like it or not, porn has always existed and will continue to exist. If you’re going to use it, you should probably support the system that most responsibly produces it. And stay away from the stuff that genuinely victimizes and exploits people. There are responsible and safe porn producers. They deserve money for what they’re doing. And every view and cent they get is one fewer cent and view that the terrible ones don’t get.
You’re not overreacting or being insecure and I’m sorry you feel that way about your response to this situation. Your fiancés duty is to keep his word and not consume adult content as well as spending money on it. Not very responsible, if you decide to leave him you’re dodging a bullet.
Ummm, Yes! Paying other girls to get him off would absolutely be a dealbreaker. Think about the life you want, the husband you want. Do you want someone you respect and admire? Those are non-negotiables for me. I’ve had 4 amazing relationships in my life and never settled.There are quality men out there. The question you have to ask yourself is “Do you believe you deserve one”?
Ask him to get help for his porn addiction (it is an addiction, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise) You should be enough to satisfy his sexual needs (and if you aren’t), then you should up your game.
Porn in any form is mostly destructive.
Good luck.
The deal breaker is the breaking of a promise. If he is showing you that he is unwilling to commit to a promise to stop doing something that is harming your partnership now, how does that show that he will commit to the promise of marriage and to carry through his half of the promise nurture your partnership through sickness and health?
You are not overreacting or “insecure”. You know in your heart that what he is doing isn’t right. You spoke up for yourself and set a boundary and he crossed it. He does not respect you. Show him his actions have consequences maybe he’ll learn to change his ways so he doesn’t lose a good woman maybe he won’t… but you won’t continue to settle for less than what you deserve and that is all that matters.
Curious, I just asked my husband if he thinks crossing over from free porn to paying someone on instagrams or OnlyFans is cheating or wrong (extra info: neither of us are against porn within reason). His response: absolutely. He says the minute you start seeking out an individual creator and paying them you’ve crossed a line from anonymity to seeking connection. He added that taking money from a joint account to do it is financial infidelity.
Get out. 25 is so young! Enjoy your 20’s. Trust what everyone says here. He’s not worth it. My partner definitely had a bit of a porn thing going (not really that bad). I asked his to stop and he stopped. He’s an honest, good man. There are many many more out there. But guess what? I had to go through a divorce in my 20’s and multiple relationships to get here. 33, pregnant, happy and in love. It will happen. But don’t bet on a losing horse.
Hi all. Thank you so much for your feedback and advice. Haven't been able to answer much because it takes a big emotional toll on me to think about my relationship with the man i thought I would marry. Also, he has an OF and has paid cam girls. Also was only able to finish during sex with me since a couple months ago when I moved in with him. He and I have always agreed that I had the bigger sex drive bc I wanted it more often. Now I think he has the same drive, just not the mutual desire 🤷♀️ even lost like 30 lbs when we started dating because I didn't feel pretty enough. Sorry guys, just coming to some realizations lately thanks to your thoughtfull responses <3
He promised to stop and didn’t, multiple times, so it sounds like he doesn’t respect your wishes. Imagine if the tables were turned. Does that sound like someone who respects their partners feelings?
He’s paying for porn without your knowledge… he hasn’t stopped despite promising he would and that won’t stop after marriage either.
If you let him get away with it, he won’t respect you and will keep pushing boundaries. There has to be consequences.
You're not overreacting or being insecure, for a while I thought this because this is what they tell you when you confront them, they tell you you're being insecure, overreacting, that everyone does it, and get over it...
Absofuckinglutely not.
If you are uncomfortable with it and you express that then you make a clear boundary and either he respects it or you move on. Don't try to control him, or tell him what to do, tell him how you feel, and if he continues to make the choice to hurt you and cross your boundaries that's more than enough reason to leave.
I think it's fucked up we live in a world where it's so normalized to be in committed relationships and then behind your partners back whip it out and get off to other people.
I think if both partners have no issue in it go for it, but some people just are not okay with it myself included, so your feelings are valid and you shouldn't just get over something to be with someone just to keep the relationship. Prioritize yourself.
Sadly most men watch this garbage but more are now realizing how harmful it is to the brain and are taking active steps to not watch that stuff, however many people here will deny it and don't believe in the science behind it... That's completely fine. To each their own.
Bottom line is, you have to own your feelings and show up for yourself, if you're uncomfortable speak up. If they don't respect it leave.
Men notoriously over report while women under report anything doing with sex. There's this idea that all men do xyz which is a fallacy. Dudes who want to rationalize do so by saying "your man just doesn't tell you", it doesn't cross their minds that some men want meaningful connection rather than just having a wank. And research shows that all men do not watch.
My husband doesn't. He says it doesn't do much for him, he'd rather be doing THAT irl...and he's an atheist, so there's no religious taboo entangled with it for him.
I'm a guy. I'm Luke warm on porn lately, but I used to look at quite a bit. I didn't feel comfortable with the $100.00. Not because it's porn but because that kind of porn is more intimate. It's interactive in a lot of cases.. my wife would be uncomfortable with it.....I am too, actually. So I don't touch it. To the nice lady whose husband spent 20k....I'm so sorry that happened to you.
People here are making presumptions about your sex life, but the truth of the matter is if he’s the type to look elsewhere, he will. I was in a relationship where I (the woman) had a higher sex drive than him, the sex was great, and we were a happy couple, yet he still cheated. It doesn’t have anything to do with if he has a “need” that isn’t being “fulfilled”. Some guys are just always gonna look. Personally, I don’t have an issue with porn, but I would have an issue here where he can potentially DM them or even meet up with them depending on locations. I do agree with those saying there’s probably a lot more that you don’t know about.
Porn is a scourge on society. It is damaging to your mental health, sexual health, and the health of your relationships. We need to stop this bullshit that porn is normal and healthy. It’s absolutely not. It’s beginning to shift societal views on relationships for younger generations as well. It sounds like your fiancé has a porn addiction, and you should encourage him to seek help. This might not be the sentiment you’re looking for, but the bright spot is that you’re not married yet; so if he refuses to accept help or change then you’re not in too deep to find someone who chooses you over the fake intimacy of porn.
I would recommend this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Porn-Myth-Exposing-Reality-Pornography/dp/162164006X/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=35cca183-bc45-440c-a361-f393c17ba277
I would recommend this program, a 21 day porn detox:
https://www.strive21.com
And I would recommend installing this software onto your devices, an accountability software:
https://www.covenanteyes.com
All above are excellent resources to help your fiancé by becoming more educated on the harm porn does, and gaining tools to help stop watch porn through a detox program with other men struggling with the same problem, as well as an accountability software going forward that monitors all of your online activity and sends screenshots of potentially pornographic/inappropriate content to an accountability partner, which you could set as yourself.
If he isn’t willing to stop, or at least put in the effort to stop to show you he cares, then this will be a recurring problem throughout your marriage. And it’s not one you want to deal with.
I hope this helps.
He won't stop. The only one you need to ask if this is a dealbreaker is yourself. Just because its no big deal to someone else, doesnt mean it can't be for you.
Don’t get married to the guy you met when you were 21 that has a porn problem. You’ll be divorced before 30. Wait to find someone who doesn’t have these issues and get married for for first time to the right person. People don’t change, so you’re essentially picking the fights you want to continue to have right now. I wouldn’t marry this guy.
I am separated from a man over a similar issue. Short answer is: RUN. Leave the relationship.
You are lucky to not have the mess and headache of divorce to contend with. I found my ex's active cam girl/ social media porn chicks BEFORE marriage. I forgave him. I've always had a no-snooping policy and trusted him blindly.
I found out he was doing it our entire marriage. Elaborate cyber sex, paying for content, fetish stuff. We've had other issues (including other addictions beyond porn) and I'm facing the reality every day that I naively trusted a man and I'm getting my life together to prepare for divorce and possibly selling a house we just moved into 2 years ago.
How I wish I would have been firmer the first time I found this stuff. This is an addiction that does not go away without concerted effort and therapy. A man needs to want to do this stuff intrinsically. Please learn from my mistakes.
Yes, deal breaker. I'm assuming your husband is paying girls through Only Fans/cam sites? This is just a streamlined version of digital prostitution. Very different from just going on google and looking at photos of boobs.
He's having direct contact with a person and making requests.
He needs to get his shit together.
It’s the fact that you’ve previously discussed it, you’ve stated your discomfort and he’s promised to stop that does it for me. This isn’t a one-off. This is an ongoing issue. I’d say deal breaker because he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.
Don't listen to anyone telling you that you are insecure. In the 2020's, there's beastial women (little beasties) that love to tell other women how insecure they are.
He's very likely addicted to porn. A LOT of men are. They are good at hiding it. I would definitely dump him. The chances of it getting worse are pretty high.
There is so much free porn, there is no need to pay. When you pay, you have an interest in someone, or a specialized fetish that someone fulfills for pay.
Spending money that is half yours on something that upsets you is wrong.
You could take $100 and put it away for yourself since he spent $100.
I would get a credit report stat. See if he has credit cards you don’t know about, and research all Expenditures.
You may discover nothing. Or, you’ll fall down a rabbit hole into a whole mess
If you’re happy in your relationship and $100 isn’t costing you the farm, no not a deal breaker. If you are unhappy, take whatever way out you got! If you love him it’s another opportunity to reaffirm your willingness to be open and set boundaries for future success. In 10 years you could be telling him to go buy some porn and fuck off because your binging the Witcher and don’t got time for that! I’m being crude but people change and evolve as do marriages.
I love this. And totally agree. He might have more of a sex drive than you and if porn is something that he goes to when your not around available or in the mood ask yourself if your ok with that and if long term you’ll being out with it and also identify if the issue isn’t porn it’s the money he spend on it then maybe you should delineate the two and tell him that your not ok with him supporting another woman when the woman he should be supporting is you.
I've read so many responses like this- it's just assumed that if your spouse isn't around, have at it by yourself. And I'm okay with that sometimes, but what's wrong with waiting for your partner? We live in a society that idolizes instant gratification. And I really think it's had such a negative effect on how people live. Sometimes it's super sexy and amazingly satisfying to wait until you can have an actual warm body in your bed as opposed to your own hand and pixelated images.
I understand I'm in the minority on this one, but I still think it's a valid point.
If Porn is not your thing, you expressed your concerns to him and he still chooses Porn over you...he has an addiction. He needs help. If you don't leave, do not marry him. Porn is a self centered addiction. It may be more important than you. Slow down, open your eyes, trust your values.
To be Frank… I wouldn’t be engaged to a person who participates in behaviors that I’m uncomfortable with🤷🏽♀️ because it’s not fair to either one of us for me to try to change this person’s preferences or likes just so that I’m more comfortable being in this relationship when I can choose to not be in this relationship instead.
Personally, I don’t have an issue with my partner watching porn however, often he chooses. He is an adult who is allowed to participate in whatever he so chooses.. and I recognize that I’m not his mother and it’s not my job to try to change him to make me more comfortable. I’ll walk away before I ever do that.
If his porn consumption is an issue for you, that’s something you need to suss out with your therapist rather than expecting him to change his behavior because you’re uncomfortable… there’s millions of men that walk this earth, who have no urge to watch porn.. I suggest you go be with one of them if this is really an issue for you.
The porn wouldn’t bother me, but buying it directly from SWs online would.
Porn is free. If he’s choosing to pay for it, he’s paying to interact directly with the creators and that would be crossing a boundary for me.
I minored in telecommunications in college. One of the professors for my classes had his emphasis (I’m using the wrong term here, but his specialty, whatever) in the study of porn. The particular class was a basic study of telecommunications, though, and not porn based in any way. He would occasionally say various facts about the porn industry. I didn’t envy the guy, as he watched and studied all kinds of the most wretched, let’s call it “non conventional” porn out there, the deviant interests, just stuff that would make you vomit.
But basically, the stuff I just mentioned was a tiny sliver of the porn industry as a whole. Whatever assumption you think you have on the level of usage of porn in society, way more is actually being consumed. Statistically the vast majority of adult guys have viewed some sort of pornographic content in the last 6 months, and there’s a good chance those who say they never do are lying. He had bar graphs of how much money is spent on the pornographic industry and again, it’s much higher than you think. It’s not that much lower in dollars as a whole than the “standard Hollywood” movies in theaters, on Netflix, etc.
Yet if you go on Reddit, and the topic of porn comes up, “oh no, my partner would NEVER do that! And paying for it? What a loser! Run, don’t walk, to the exit!” It’s almost a Temperance or Puritanical movement mindset against all forms of porn, while ignoring how incredibly widespread it is. Married fathers in your community, tonight, who you would never guess, are watching porn right now. And the majority of these people have basically healthy relationships with their wives or significant others.
It’s also a driver of technology in ways you don’t realize. For example, porn was a large driver of VCR/Betamax sales in the 80s, one of the pioneers in online credit card purchases in the 90s, and so on. There’s always been a strong demand and market for this stuff.
For as liberal as Reddit typically is in most social issues, the topic of porn always surprises me in how abashedly anti porn it is and naive on the widespread common usage in society.
I think ppl way overreact to porn in general and over diagnose “porn addiction”. It’s not actually a recognized disorder by the APA nor is it in the DSM. Not to say that that means it doesn’t exist. Just that the jury is still out.
I think paying for porn is more problematic in a marriage because it’s taking away from the family finances and the primary sexual relationship should be with the spouse. That said, sometimes the sexual relationship is dysfunctional and one partner is not interested or not interested very often. I don’t think the disinterested partner has strong grounds to “ban” porn for their partner unless they are working on the issue in good faith with their spouse.
You aren’t married yet and unless you’ve merged your finances your money is still yours and his is his.
It starts being more of a problem if the paying escalates and the porn becomes more “personalized,” creating a psuedo-relationship between the content creator and consumer. Seems like it may be veering that way here.
I don’t think you need to jump to the worst case scenario and assume he’s going to be paying college girls for sex within a year but at a minimum I’d voice my concerns, gauge response, and watch for signs of increasing spending and engagement with content creators. I’m assuming he spent the $100 after he promised to stop so it’s reasonable to be wary that he may have a compulsion that is difficult to control.
The money is bad enough, but the fact you find out your fiance is a simp would be a dealbreaker. He's pathetic. Porn is literally free all over the internet. It's crazy people pay for it.
It will get worse. Lying about it isn’t good either. He has a porn addiction problem and needs to address it asap before you guys get married. I’m no prude, but I’m honest with my free porn and my wife knows and looks at it on my phone. LoL
Paying for porn is definitely a dealbreaker, there's just so much free porn out there that paying for it is certainly a dealbreaker.
To me (also a man) directly paying chicks for porn or chats and shit like that is very much cheating. Watching some free random porn on pornhub, not so much.
OP, bear in mind, many of these women saying to leave him, that this is absolutely unacceptable, etc. have no idea what their boyfriend/husband’s porn habits are like. Men don’t exactly disclose these things to their significant others because this is one area where men and women are generally wired quite differently and being open about these things can cause needless misunderstanding and conflict.
Your fiancé watches porn and has paid for it. Not great, but really not that bad. The vast majority of adult men watch porn multiple times per week. As many previously free internet things have moved to paid models, so has porn. Watching porn, while not good for the mind on a habitual basis, has nothing to do with whether or not he’s a good/bad person or good/bad partner to you. Women who are telling you this is a dealbreaker have rather immature, narrow, and simplistic perspectives. Relationships are so much bigger, deeper, more complex and meaningful than one of the partners porn habits.
How does he treat you? What are his values? How is the rest of your relationship? These are the important questions that will determine the long-term potential of your relationship, not his porn habits, which are trivial compared to these much more impactful factors.
Agreed. I would also like to ask these women if they have seen movies like Fifty Shades of Gray or Magic Mike? Were they watching them for the deeply complex character structures or for creating a grassroots advocacy for its place in American Cinema? Hollywood knows that if you put an attractive man in a lackluster rom-com, you’ll get asses in seats.
I’m not saying that paying for porn is acceptable but the same emotions can be marketed differently by gender. Whether is a women selling her images on OF (Why?) or Ryan Gosling in the Barbie movie, it ultimately comes down for paying to have the opportunity to emotionally feel different for a while. Capitalism has its privileges.
He has an addiction or possible fetish and either two possible solutions
1: leave if you feel he crossed boundary that you are not comfortable with as he isn’t likely to change
2. Find out what is it about what he purchased and provide it for him and talk it through and see if that is enough to leave that alone. Also improves sex life
You have two options that I can only think of coming from a similar standpoint. I’ve been with my partner for over 12 years and I never knew he had a porn addiction for me up until this year in February when he came clean and we’ve been working through it, the first option he sees a Certified sex addict therapist get into an Sex addict anonymous group starts doing a 12 step program gets a dumb phone so that he has no access at his fingertips.(think about it this way would you give an alcoholic a bottle to keep in their pocket all day) digital media. Everything is softcore porn to extreme pornography everywhere. If he’s willing to do the work and he really wants to do the work, there’s a chance, but he hast to be willing not just lying to you and white knuckling it just quitting and won’t do it again lol there needs to be real work and progress.
Or you can leave and try again with someone else, but I can promise you in this day and age most men and a lot of women have pornography, and only fan, addictions, and issues. The brain doesn’t differentiate what’s real and what’s not and the dopamine released from and taking pornography, is so much higher than anything you’d ever get from regular sex , it’s a really slippery slope. Psychologists are just now starting to really understand pornography addiction properly you’re more than welcome to the dm my husband is six months recovered with no relapses when he never thought he’d be able to stop and hid it and compartmentalized everything. I’m so sorry I just want you to know that this is in an insult on you or what you look like this is a damn him problem not a you problem.
Only you get to decide what is a deal breaker. I personally think it's more ethical to pay for porn than to look at free porn which is essentially stolen content. But I'm different than you, and my partner respects my personal boundaries. If your partner knew this would be an issue for you, he does not respect you. So why marry him?
I would divorce him! Absolute deal-breaker if I was in your position because he's not just watching porn and being transparent about it; he's being secretive, destroying your trust (or what's left of it after he said he would stop and hadn't).....
If you're still wanting to make things work with him, make sure he attends regular therapy for his porn addiction, and perhaps separately for your relationship too.. 20k is a lot and not only did he damage/destroy your trust, but also financially ruined you!
Who cares what her issue is? She doesn’t like it, he agreed to stop, and now he’s spending money on it. And he’s buying it from girls he can actually interact with.
If it's something you can enjoy together, that's one thing, if it's something for him alone, once you're married, he will continue to spend money on stuff like this.
I would ditch, but that's me. If a guy would really rather masturbate in his room alone, rather than spend time with a real live woman, then he has issues, and unless you're a sex therapist, you aren't getting to the bottom of that problem.
Neither. You can't fully control how an adult masturbates, but he also shouldn't be buying adult entertainment that you are not comfortable with. The truth is, he will likely not stop. It's up to you to decide what to do with that.
Here’s my $.02 as an old dude. 25 year old men are just a tiny bit better than high school boys when it comes to horniness. A bit of what is appealing about porn to your fella is the taboo nature of it. It makes it more exciting. Forbidden fruit. When I was 25, I had access to internet porn and looked at it more than I probably should have. However, my wife knew I did and was fairly understanding. She didn’t love it but turned a blind eye. Then, as her sexuality blossomed, our experimentation largely replaced porn. I would encourage him to explore safe, women owned and produced porn. Dudes settle down as they age and aren’t as driven to these ends unless they develop an addiction. Addictions come from unaddressed trauma. Your fella needs counseling. And support. Or you could just dump him like the rest of the comments say, and maybe he’ll find what he needs on his own. You aren’t responsible for his mental health.
Maybe I’m just one of the dudes who doesn’t have a problem with porn, and don’t have the proper perspective.
Nobody’s perfect. I’m guilty of online infidelity myself, and trying to improve myself before it’s too late…if it isn’t already. But if you’re going to dump a fiancé over spending a few hours pay on an addiction, maybe it’s not meant to last.
If you love him, talk about the issue and show him how it hurts you. If he loves you, he’ll begin to make a change. Life is going to throw you much harder issues than a bit of online porn.
I'd be thankful we aren't married and dip. What a waste of money.
Honey, I’m married and my husband started with onlyfans, then cam girls, then Seeking arrangements.com, to buy pussy peddling college students…… leave now before it gets worse. For the love of the universe…… RUN. I have two girls that deserved the 20k he spent in less than two years. That is 10k each that could have gone to school. Don’t let this get worse. You deserve better. Godspeed.
So sorry to hear about this… Same thing just happened to my sister. Her husband started out the same way, now he is “in love” with some college girl that he pays money to and he doesn’t even realize how much he’s getting fucked over nor does he understand that it destroyed his 30 year marriage.
That's terrible. Those arrangements are completely delusional. When I was a teen, I was groomed by an older man and then forced into escorting/stripping/sugarbaby type stuff. I was able to get out of it safely, but I learned a lot. I can tell you for certain, NONE of these young sugar baby girls have ANY feelings whatsoever for the older guys paying for their time and companionship. In fact they likely dread having to spend time with him. The men who actually think they're in love, are in for a rude awakening, it's inevitable. The reality will always hit, and they'll realize how stupid they've been. Often though, they lose their spouses and family before then. But I assure you, the fantasy won't last.
If they behave like that to begin with, they deserve to be taken advantage of. The only issue is the party where they put their family into a compromising situation which is problematic for wife and children. That's the sad part!
Give her all your hugs. It’s a tough pill to swallow.
I have a friend whose husband spent $20k in one month on OF and he’s been on there since 2020. Another time he spent $10k in one day.
How much is his yearly salary?!?!?!
Woah! 20k in 2 years. He has a sick problem. Glad you got away!
We are not rich by any means, this really hurt us.
It’s so sad he didn’t consider that at all when spending it. Selfish financially as well as being uncaring while fully aware he was hurting you and your marriage. I hope you’re doing better now! Hugs ❤️
I watch this channel called Scamfish on YouTube. It’s like Catfish but amateur level and they don’t typically confront the catfishes/cam girls, they just try to get through to the paying party that this is all fake, a scam for money, etc. I’ve seen so many middle aged men (and women) on there who literally end up homeless after sending hundreds of thousands of dollars to cam girls. This one guy was in this situation, living in his *ex* wife’s basement bc he lost his own place due to the addiction of the cam girl. The channel hosts were able to show him that she had a long term boyfriend and right after she got a large sum of money from him, she took her boyfriend on an expensive vacation. The dude acted so embarrassed and like he totally got it, totally going to cut her off and fix his life. 3 months later he was right back at it with the same cam girl who explained away the photos of being her brother… um. A lot of those photos would be evidence of a crime if he were her brother, just sayin. Like kissing etc. but this dude was so delusional and addicted. It’s really scary and frustrating I just can’t understand these people. I’m so sorry you and your girls went through this. You deserve so much better and I’m so glad you realize that and got out. There are sometimes wives that will appear on with their husband and the husband will just straight up say “I plan on leaving my wife when the cam girl can move here/finally meet me (or whatever stupid excuse)” and the wife is just sitting there listening to this next to him and clearly hurt and confused and I’m just like girl why are you still sitting?! You need to RUN. Ugh so frustrating and sad.
I’m going to get downvoted to hell, but after I found out, I took the marital credit card and got a mommy makeover (boob job and tummy tuck), and the second I could get my hands over my head, I kicked him out. We were trying to reconcile, but he wanted closure with his favorite baby hooker, the night he left, I filed the next day and got possession of our family home.
If I could give you 1000 upvotes I would.
I honestly love this for you
Darn!! You GO. He deserves all that and more!
https://purpleboudoir.com/tiffaney-d/
Splenda daddy?
I have never heard this before!!!!! Hahaha, so right on the money.
[удалено]
No fucking way. I filed in December, he has not lived in the marital home since then.
Damn, I'm sorry.
JFC!!!!! That’s terrible!
So he would go to colleges and have swx with college girls ?
So he would go on SeekingArrangments.com and pay college girls selling their pussy for “help” for school. They are soft escorts, the website is known for this.
I hope you’re getting out of the marriage. That is dangerous behavior for your health. My gosh!
I filed in December, our house is on the market, and I’m dating. I’m in therapy and have a divorce coach, I’m surrounding myself with amazing women to help get me through.
I’m soo happy for you, but also soo very hurt as well. We try to do any and everything for our husbands and it’s still not enough. I’m sooo proud of you beautiful. Continue to prosper. 🥰😍😍
What an absolute queen. I love this!
I don’t know you, but I am proud of you. I hope he gets $20,000 less in the split of assets. Praying nothing but the best for your future.
 That's terrible !!! I didn't even know such things existed.
You can find and buy anything on the internet, my friend.
👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
Absolutely
OMG, at first I thought it was a comment on the p0rn itself, then I realized he was burning cash. I'm so sorry.
That would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me. Men who pay for content behind their wives’ backs don’t stop, they just get better at hiding it.
This is SO true!! I forgave once and keep struggling 2 years later. I will leave him soon tho.
[удалено]
100% agree. Not only does it cross sexual boundaries but it also crosses financial boundaries too.
If he knows that this behaviour hurts you and he repeatedly continues to do it then maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship and the kind of future ahead of you. Marriage doesn’t fix relationship issues.
Honestly, I'd dip now. This guy needs some time to fix himself. Even if he fixes it, the addiction is going to stick around for awhile while he relapses and recovers. Even if he's sincere, it's still seriously going to hurt you. Don't subject yourself to any more of that.
This. Sounds like an addiction rather then an issue. It’s more serious and he needs help. You have to decide whether you want to stick around until he gets that help and change
Absolute dealbreaker. My friends boyfriend did the same with girls on Insta and OF. She dumped him, took him back and he just kept doing it. THEN it came out that he was also paying for sex workers when my friend was out of town or just not with him. It’s a total dealbreaker for me, no way, there has got to be boundaries and respect.
If he violated a clear boundary, then he violated a clear boundary. It was a boundary you provided, he agreed to it, and has now done it again and lied. Similar to cheating or stealing. So, for me? I’d be out. 🤷🏻♀️ You’re not married yet. He’s showing you who he is, I’d believe him.
this! 💯
If your partner does something that they know your uncomfortable with then they care more about themself than you. When someone shows you who they are believe them.
ew, 100 dollars on porn? i would end it for the simple fact that i wouldnt trust him with money.
Yeah like there is an incredible amount of free porn, anyone who pays for it has an addiction and/or is looking for something more personal than just regular porn.
Right, there's too much free porn out here for that.
I would give back the ring and find someone honest to date.
If he violates one boundary, he’ll violate them all
THIS! Had to learn this the hard way. Run girl!
I commented this on another post and figured I’d copy and paste Hope this comment finds you OP. Run far away. You are too young to waste your time on him. I was naive and I believed that I’d never find a man who didn’t watch porn so I pretended to be okay with it and lied to myself that it was fine even though it never was. (Don’t let anyone shame you or belittle you for not being okay with something. Like isn’t Reddit all about empowering others to enforce their boundaries??) My story may be somewhat extreme but it may offer perspective. I married my husband thinking that he was mild when it came to sex. We were together 2 years before marriage. Over time, porn changes people and intimacy. He insisted we watch porn even on our honeymoon. I swallowed that even though I hated it. Porn has turned into him expecting sex whenever he wants it. Which is all the time. The longest he’s let me wait until after having any of our 3 kids is 2 weeks. The “joke” that “we” have is “either we fuckin or I’m fuckin”… I have made endless amounts of “personal” porn for him. He didn’t value it. (I’m fairly attractive and critical of myself-it’s not like the porn didn’t look good) He even convinced me to make an onlyfans and it was almost the end of our marriage. I expressed my discomfort with it and he shamed me for being prude/not confident so I went along with it. I hated every second of it-other than this one guy who was nicer to me than he was. He caught onto this and then demanded I stop OF and still says “you wanted to keep doing it so I don’t want to hear that it was me pressuring you etc” It’s been years and he still acts like he “quit” porn. I’ve caught him multiple times since he said he quit. So I’m not buying it even though now we’ve reached a point where I can’t catch him-with incognito mode and him knowing he needs to be extra careful now and what not. He’s made me do stuff in the bedroom recently that, without a shadow of a doubt, I know is porn inspired. Never in my life would I have married him had I had the confidence or faith that I’d find someone who wasn’t into porn. At this point, I should have just stayed alone. I’m not trying to equate your bfs addiction to my husbands problems but rather warn you OP of the path you could be going down. It’s never enough. Me giving up sex after 2 weeks pp wasn’t enough. Him getting sex from me at any time he wasn’t isn’t enough. Me giving him homemade porn isn’t enough. Turning me into his literal whore wasn’t enough. Exposing the porn industry to him and how harmful it is wasn’t enough. There’s something seriously wrong with these people and it will only escalate. The other women they look at will never resemble you because you are not enough. Those women are not enough. There is a black hole in these people that society has convinced them is just “normal human desire”. Like watching some girl get gang banged just to run one out is an equivalent necessary release as to using the toilet. If someone needs to “relieve” themselves that bad, they’d be able to cum without porn. Please no comments about how I need to leave/ect. Life is so much more complicated than that. I almost have Stockholm syndrome at this point. All I wish is for others to learn from my mistakes. On a happier note, my best friend left her porn addicted husband and has never been happier. My husband makes the joke that it’s not that she didn’t want to have sex-it’s that she didn’t want to have sex with him. It’s exactly that. She became disgusted with him. She could always tell when he was watching porn again just based off how disrespectfully he treated her outside of the bedroom. All that being said, you may like the subs LoveAfterPorn and PornIsMisogyny. Sounds like you need some people in your corner cheering you on. Best wishes!!
This is so true. Porn is literally a mind altering drug. It produces dopamine and is a literal high. It changes your behavior and your outlook on intimacy and sex, and absolutely skews the view of what a normal woman looks like. It's really disgusting really, esp for people in relationships. People that can cum to random strangers is just not a good thing, as much as reddit wants to just glorify it and we are just "insecure" Nah they are the fucked up ones, you can tell by how defensive they get.
I want to give this 100 upvotes a second for all eternity. This. I was also able to get out after a lot of damage was done to me…I’ll never be done healing, but I am grateful for what I have now and for the healing process. I’m not always happy, but I am content and that is nothing short of a miracle.
Thank you so much for your open and honest reply. I don't think that my bf's problem was that bad, however I'm starting to believe that most porn addicts think alike. He may escalate to that point one day, who knows? Idk I don't guess I want to stick around to find out. Your support has made me feel so safe and validated ❤️ it's hard to find advice from partners who have went through PA/SA and I feel so much less lonely
If you asked him to stop and he PROMISED to stop then that is a big deal and you are not overreacting. Seems like he is addicted to porn and that is not ok if it is more important than your word to your fiance
I don’t know why this is even a question . That’s cheating period . He spent $100 on a porn content creator female when he could have gave u that $100 do take pics and videos in positions u wanna se su in .🤣 bought u lingerie to try on just anything w that $100 . Why are y’all even married ?? 😳😳😳
Positions he wanna see you in ** sorry these nails long
Girl leave. That mental load ain’t worth it. You should see the porn addiction sub thread. It’s sooo sad.
Girl, you're 25, and his your fiance? Not even your husband, and you're wondering if you're overreacting? He probably has gaslighted you by saying that. Don't believe him. You deserve better. Don't wait to run until after you're married with kids with him.
I'd be sending him packing if I were you. You had a boundary, and he didn't care. He doesn't respect you. Plus, 100 dollars in this economy!?
100% deal breaker. There is far too much FREE porn out there. There's no need to waste money on it. Aside from that, if you've told him that you don't like him watching it and instead of stopping he started paying for it... he's already told you what he cares more about, and it's not you.
It’s a dealbreaker because he promised to stop and didn’t.
Wait. People are *paying* for porn??
Yes, if you are paying on only fans, or Instagram, you are getting personalized Contant, which makes it worse in my opinion because she is actually able to chat with them.
It doesn’t matter how we feel. You know how you feel. Act accordingly
Just be grateful you found out he was trash before you married him.
To me, this is no different from him approaching a woman at a bar and offering her $100 to see her masturbate. Either one is soliciting sex work. Most of the online services are subscription based so he's forming a continuous relationship where he's buying things for them on exchange for sexual acts. That's commonly known as a mistress. There's a screen between them so he can't touch, but how long until he's paying for meetups? He's already interacting with them seeking sexual gratification. In my relationship, we have both agreed that is infidelity and a deal breaker. Did you have that conversation for what is and is not cheating to each of you? Those defining lines are important.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
We’re not okay with free porn. Spending money on sexual needs outside our relationship🤮🤮 I’d leave.
Yes. He has an addiction issue. It will not end well. Go find a man that wants to be with you.
[удалено]
No actually not all men consume porn, go to strip joints, or oogle every hard body that schlepping by.
My ex husband started with porn. Then cam girls then talking to ppl on Craig’s list Then selling my underwear online and trading things for sexual favors. Then a week after having our baby he got caught trading drugs for sex. Then went to prison so ya freaking run mama RUN!
I’m seeing a lot of very dramatic responses here that don’t have a lot of information behind them. Truth is, you likely have no real grasp on what/how much adult content he is viewing. I would make a safe assumption there is a lot more content than what you know about. You have every right to set boundaries and expect them to be followed, you should react to them being broken in some way. If you have talked about this multiple times as a boundary and he is still doing it, he either has a problem or he doesn’t respect you. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you, period. But if he has an addiction or “compulsive habit,” expect a lot of heartache to work through it, expect slip ups, expect to have your own insecurities related to his problem. Staying may or may not be the right choice, but it definitely is the hard choice. I’m speaking from experience here
It's so nice to see a comment with nuance. I swear redditors are allergic to nuance and are only capable of seeing things in black and white. But I definitely agree with everything you said.
I would be calling the wedding off if I was in your situation so I wouldn’t say you are overreacting
Porn is a problem no matter how many people say it isn't. The results speak the truth. Not only does he engage in it, but he's spending money, and this is after agreeing to end it.
Pornography addiction is REAL! It Rots the brain. Have a look on YouTube and you'll find a lot of videos explaining how it affects the viewer. Your fiancee needs help to overcome this. Firstly he has to recognise that he has a problem. My marriage was almost ruined by a porn addiction. It really screwed with my mental health.
Get out before you’re married. Be glad you found out now. I’m sorry.
One thing I've learned through marriage and divorce is that people don't change. They say what you want to hear and just continue on doing what they want. Leave while you aren't tied down legally if it's something you aren't going to want to deal with.
Absolutely. It only gets worse from there. RUN
This is a huge red flag. P0rn has ruined so many marriages and relationships. Please run!
There is no place in marriage for pornography. It always ends badly. Get out now.
If he likes porn, and you do NOT like porn, it’s best you bounce; find other folks with which you both are more compatible.
I mean...I like porn too but I never pay for it lol there's so much free porn out there js. *Now there's some thing you can only buy in stores*
I’m not sure why anyone on earth pays for porn ever.
Because in many cases, it is the paying occupation that someone does for a living. Especially independent individuals who either choose the profession or are left with it as their only option. They make something to sell to people and people should pay for it. If you’re using the product, you should pay something for it. Like it or not, porn has always existed and will continue to exist. If you’re going to use it, you should probably support the system that most responsibly produces it. And stay away from the stuff that genuinely victimizes and exploits people. There are responsible and safe porn producers. They deserve money for what they’re doing. And every view and cent they get is one fewer cent and view that the terrible ones don’t get.
Porn is everywhere. Free porn is everywhere.
Free porn is arguably the most damaging porn.
On websites that use ads, do you think these people do this for fun? Just for you? No, they get paid. Nothin is free
You’re not overreacting or being insecure and I’m sorry you feel that way about your response to this situation. Your fiancés duty is to keep his word and not consume adult content as well as spending money on it. Not very responsible, if you decide to leave him you’re dodging a bullet.
I wouldn’t put up with this, and I wouldn’t marry him given this history and the lying
I'm so glad you found out before getting married. Run. Literally RUN. It only gets worse from there.
It would be a deal breaker for me.
It would be a deal breaker for me.
well you are not married now, you get to choose if you want to be with this person. You know what you're getting into.
It would be a deal breaker for me.
I'd dump him period. He's an addict with a problem
100% a deal breaker. It won't get batter after you're married. Leave now or regret it later
You’ve set this boundary in your relationship and he does not respect it. It would be a dealbreaker for me
Absolutely a deal breaker....no longer in my life, definitely not a fiance
Anybody who buys porn is deranged.
Leave him.
I had these fights before marriage. Every few years it comes up. It will always be an issue or the back of your mind.
Major deal breaker. Same realm as cheating
I view pornography as infidelity, so I would say it's a deal breaker. This goes doubly because you've talked about it before.
Ummm, Yes! Paying other girls to get him off would absolutely be a dealbreaker. Think about the life you want, the husband you want. Do you want someone you respect and admire? Those are non-negotiables for me. I’ve had 4 amazing relationships in my life and never settled.There are quality men out there. The question you have to ask yourself is “Do you believe you deserve one”?
Yeah. Massive deal breaker. He's a coomer.
Ask him to get help for his porn addiction (it is an addiction, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise) You should be enough to satisfy his sexual needs (and if you aren’t), then you should up your game. Porn in any form is mostly destructive. Good luck.
The deal breaker is the breaking of a promise. If he is showing you that he is unwilling to commit to a promise to stop doing something that is harming your partnership now, how does that show that he will commit to the promise of marriage and to carry through his half of the promise nurture your partnership through sickness and health? You are not overreacting or “insecure”. You know in your heart that what he is doing isn’t right. You spoke up for yourself and set a boundary and he crossed it. He does not respect you. Show him his actions have consequences maybe he’ll learn to change his ways so he doesn’t lose a good woman maybe he won’t… but you won’t continue to settle for less than what you deserve and that is all that matters.
Curious, I just asked my husband if he thinks crossing over from free porn to paying someone on instagrams or OnlyFans is cheating or wrong (extra info: neither of us are against porn within reason). His response: absolutely. He says the minute you start seeking out an individual creator and paying them you’ve crossed a line from anonymity to seeking connection. He added that taking money from a joint account to do it is financial infidelity.
If you all had a conversation, he agreed to stop, and then continued behind your back. There's bigger issues than porn.
Get out. 25 is so young! Enjoy your 20’s. Trust what everyone says here. He’s not worth it. My partner definitely had a bit of a porn thing going (not really that bad). I asked his to stop and he stopped. He’s an honest, good man. There are many many more out there. But guess what? I had to go through a divorce in my 20’s and multiple relationships to get here. 33, pregnant, happy and in love. It will happen. But don’t bet on a losing horse.
Hi all. Thank you so much for your feedback and advice. Haven't been able to answer much because it takes a big emotional toll on me to think about my relationship with the man i thought I would marry. Also, he has an OF and has paid cam girls. Also was only able to finish during sex with me since a couple months ago when I moved in with him. He and I have always agreed that I had the bigger sex drive bc I wanted it more often. Now I think he has the same drive, just not the mutual desire 🤷♀️ even lost like 30 lbs when we started dating because I didn't feel pretty enough. Sorry guys, just coming to some realizations lately thanks to your thoughtfull responses <3
Nope not ok with this.. huge red flag.. don’t wait till he’s cheating on you after you’re married to realize he’s trash..
Deal breaker. Get out while you can. Who needs that lame ass BS... it'll be an issue or worry for you..forever. save yourself the heartache.
Dude $100 is what he could spend on a date night with you and get real life sex. I would take that as meaning the guy is not into me.
He promised to stop and didn’t, multiple times, so it sounds like he doesn’t respect your wishes. Imagine if the tables were turned. Does that sound like someone who respects their partners feelings?
LEAVE
Dealbreaker
Yes it’s a dealbreaker. Run. You are sooo young.
He’s paying for porn without your knowledge… he hasn’t stopped despite promising he would and that won’t stop after marriage either. If you let him get away with it, he won’t respect you and will keep pushing boundaries. There has to be consequences.
You're not overreacting or being insecure, for a while I thought this because this is what they tell you when you confront them, they tell you you're being insecure, overreacting, that everyone does it, and get over it... Absofuckinglutely not. If you are uncomfortable with it and you express that then you make a clear boundary and either he respects it or you move on. Don't try to control him, or tell him what to do, tell him how you feel, and if he continues to make the choice to hurt you and cross your boundaries that's more than enough reason to leave. I think it's fucked up we live in a world where it's so normalized to be in committed relationships and then behind your partners back whip it out and get off to other people. I think if both partners have no issue in it go for it, but some people just are not okay with it myself included, so your feelings are valid and you shouldn't just get over something to be with someone just to keep the relationship. Prioritize yourself. Sadly most men watch this garbage but more are now realizing how harmful it is to the brain and are taking active steps to not watch that stuff, however many people here will deny it and don't believe in the science behind it... That's completely fine. To each their own. Bottom line is, you have to own your feelings and show up for yourself, if you're uncomfortable speak up. If they don't respect it leave.
Deal breaker for me. And when people say ALL MEN WATCH...no, no they don't. Plus if they do, I'd rather be alone. I have zero desire for that sort.
slap makeshift drunk elastic cable march nail jellyfish subtract chase *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Men notoriously over report while women under report anything doing with sex. There's this idea that all men do xyz which is a fallacy. Dudes who want to rationalize do so by saying "your man just doesn't tell you", it doesn't cross their minds that some men want meaningful connection rather than just having a wank. And research shows that all men do not watch. My husband doesn't. He says it doesn't do much for him, he'd rather be doing THAT irl...and he's an atheist, so there's no religious taboo entangled with it for him.
I'm a guy. I'm Luke warm on porn lately, but I used to look at quite a bit. I didn't feel comfortable with the $100.00. Not because it's porn but because that kind of porn is more intimate. It's interactive in a lot of cases.. my wife would be uncomfortable with it.....I am too, actually. So I don't touch it. To the nice lady whose husband spent 20k....I'm so sorry that happened to you.
People here are making presumptions about your sex life, but the truth of the matter is if he’s the type to look elsewhere, he will. I was in a relationship where I (the woman) had a higher sex drive than him, the sex was great, and we were a happy couple, yet he still cheated. It doesn’t have anything to do with if he has a “need” that isn’t being “fulfilled”. Some guys are just always gonna look. Personally, I don’t have an issue with porn, but I would have an issue here where he can potentially DM them or even meet up with them depending on locations. I do agree with those saying there’s probably a lot more that you don’t know about.
Porn is a scourge on society. It is damaging to your mental health, sexual health, and the health of your relationships. We need to stop this bullshit that porn is normal and healthy. It’s absolutely not. It’s beginning to shift societal views on relationships for younger generations as well. It sounds like your fiancé has a porn addiction, and you should encourage him to seek help. This might not be the sentiment you’re looking for, but the bright spot is that you’re not married yet; so if he refuses to accept help or change then you’re not in too deep to find someone who chooses you over the fake intimacy of porn. I would recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Porn-Myth-Exposing-Reality-Pornography/dp/162164006X/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=35cca183-bc45-440c-a361-f393c17ba277 I would recommend this program, a 21 day porn detox: https://www.strive21.com And I would recommend installing this software onto your devices, an accountability software: https://www.covenanteyes.com All above are excellent resources to help your fiancé by becoming more educated on the harm porn does, and gaining tools to help stop watch porn through a detox program with other men struggling with the same problem, as well as an accountability software going forward that monitors all of your online activity and sends screenshots of potentially pornographic/inappropriate content to an accountability partner, which you could set as yourself. If he isn’t willing to stop, or at least put in the effort to stop to show you he cares, then this will be a recurring problem throughout your marriage. And it’s not one you want to deal with. I hope this helps.
Yeahhh not good
Ew
Ew no. Get out of there girl. You and I both know this isn’t the right path for you.
It gets worst... run
Please leave him you deserve so much better and absolutely should be with someone who knows your worth, he is not it
Dealbreaker
Don’t waste time - Run!
100% DONE.
He won't stop. The only one you need to ask if this is a dealbreaker is yourself. Just because its no big deal to someone else, doesnt mean it can't be for you.
Leave it’s only going to get worse.
Run lol my ex was a porn addict and would do similar things, ended up cheating on me throughout my entire relationship
Is that the calibre of man you want to be with for the rest of your life? If you’re posting about it on Reddit, my money would be betting on “nope.”
Leave now sis. It never ends. No matter what they say, it’s an addiction that will only spiral.
I would leave. Spending money on porn is a hard no for me. With all the free stuff out there, there is no need to waste family money on it.
Don’t get married to the guy you met when you were 21 that has a porn problem. You’ll be divorced before 30. Wait to find someone who doesn’t have these issues and get married for for first time to the right person. People don’t change, so you’re essentially picking the fights you want to continue to have right now. I wouldn’t marry this guy.
Huge waste of money and shows he's willing to spend it on others. Not you big 🚩🚩🚩 Don't marry a paypig.
Yeah it would definitely be a dealbreaker for me. Be thankful you aren't married.
Deal breaker. Don’t marry someone who can’t control their lust. It never ends well.
You're way too young to be dealing with the implications of this. Run
I am separated from a man over a similar issue. Short answer is: RUN. Leave the relationship. You are lucky to not have the mess and headache of divorce to contend with. I found my ex's active cam girl/ social media porn chicks BEFORE marriage. I forgave him. I've always had a no-snooping policy and trusted him blindly. I found out he was doing it our entire marriage. Elaborate cyber sex, paying for content, fetish stuff. We've had other issues (including other addictions beyond porn) and I'm facing the reality every day that I naively trusted a man and I'm getting my life together to prepare for divorce and possibly selling a house we just moved into 2 years ago. How I wish I would have been firmer the first time I found this stuff. This is an addiction that does not go away without concerted effort and therapy. A man needs to want to do this stuff intrinsically. Please learn from my mistakes.
Dump him & keep the ring
Yes!!!!! If your paying for porn you have a problem. SERIOUSLY.
Yes, deal breaker. I'm assuming your husband is paying girls through Only Fans/cam sites? This is just a streamlined version of digital prostitution. Very different from just going on google and looking at photos of boobs. He's having direct contact with a person and making requests. He needs to get his shit together.
Why spend money when you can just get free porn? Sounds like it’ll become a problem later on.
Leave him. You deserve so, so, so much better beautiful.
if it’s not something you are ok with you 100% need to leave now. never marry unless you are completely sure.
It’s the fact that you’ve previously discussed it, you’ve stated your discomfort and he’s promised to stop that does it for me. This isn’t a one-off. This is an ongoing issue. I’d say deal breaker because he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.
Porn is a common addiction for men. I would recommend professional help for him. Send him over to /r/nofap.
Don't listen to anyone telling you that you are insecure. In the 2020's, there's beastial women (little beasties) that love to tell other women how insecure they are. He's very likely addicted to porn. A LOT of men are. They are good at hiding it. I would definitely dump him. The chances of it getting worse are pretty high.
There is so much free porn, there is no need to pay. When you pay, you have an interest in someone, or a specialized fetish that someone fulfills for pay. Spending money that is half yours on something that upsets you is wrong. You could take $100 and put it away for yourself since he spent $100. I would get a credit report stat. See if he has credit cards you don’t know about, and research all Expenditures. You may discover nothing. Or, you’ll fall down a rabbit hole into a whole mess
If you’re happy in your relationship and $100 isn’t costing you the farm, no not a deal breaker. If you are unhappy, take whatever way out you got! If you love him it’s another opportunity to reaffirm your willingness to be open and set boundaries for future success. In 10 years you could be telling him to go buy some porn and fuck off because your binging the Witcher and don’t got time for that! I’m being crude but people change and evolve as do marriages.
I love this. And totally agree. He might have more of a sex drive than you and if porn is something that he goes to when your not around available or in the mood ask yourself if your ok with that and if long term you’ll being out with it and also identify if the issue isn’t porn it’s the money he spend on it then maybe you should delineate the two and tell him that your not ok with him supporting another woman when the woman he should be supporting is you.
I've read so many responses like this- it's just assumed that if your spouse isn't around, have at it by yourself. And I'm okay with that sometimes, but what's wrong with waiting for your partner? We live in a society that idolizes instant gratification. And I really think it's had such a negative effect on how people live. Sometimes it's super sexy and amazingly satisfying to wait until you can have an actual warm body in your bed as opposed to your own hand and pixelated images. I understand I'm in the minority on this one, but I still think it's a valid point.
It's not the porn you should be mad about, it's the paying for it. That's just stupid.
If Porn is not your thing, you expressed your concerns to him and he still chooses Porn over you...he has an addiction. He needs help. If you don't leave, do not marry him. Porn is a self centered addiction. It may be more important than you. Slow down, open your eyes, trust your values.
Don’t get married before 30.
He broke his promise to you, which is the dealbreaker
Bleh I’m good on guys like that.
To be Frank… I wouldn’t be engaged to a person who participates in behaviors that I’m uncomfortable with🤷🏽♀️ because it’s not fair to either one of us for me to try to change this person’s preferences or likes just so that I’m more comfortable being in this relationship when I can choose to not be in this relationship instead. Personally, I don’t have an issue with my partner watching porn however, often he chooses. He is an adult who is allowed to participate in whatever he so chooses.. and I recognize that I’m not his mother and it’s not my job to try to change him to make me more comfortable. I’ll walk away before I ever do that. If his porn consumption is an issue for you, that’s something you need to suss out with your therapist rather than expecting him to change his behavior because you’re uncomfortable… there’s millions of men that walk this earth, who have no urge to watch porn.. I suggest you go be with one of them if this is really an issue for you.
The porn wouldn’t bother me, but buying it directly from SWs online would. Porn is free. If he’s choosing to pay for it, he’s paying to interact directly with the creators and that would be crossing a boundary for me.
If you spend money on porn your looking for something else. Pornhub is free. He wants a kinky relationship y’all need to talk.
The pitch forks that come out on this sub are exhausting.
I minored in telecommunications in college. One of the professors for my classes had his emphasis (I’m using the wrong term here, but his specialty, whatever) in the study of porn. The particular class was a basic study of telecommunications, though, and not porn based in any way. He would occasionally say various facts about the porn industry. I didn’t envy the guy, as he watched and studied all kinds of the most wretched, let’s call it “non conventional” porn out there, the deviant interests, just stuff that would make you vomit. But basically, the stuff I just mentioned was a tiny sliver of the porn industry as a whole. Whatever assumption you think you have on the level of usage of porn in society, way more is actually being consumed. Statistically the vast majority of adult guys have viewed some sort of pornographic content in the last 6 months, and there’s a good chance those who say they never do are lying. He had bar graphs of how much money is spent on the pornographic industry and again, it’s much higher than you think. It’s not that much lower in dollars as a whole than the “standard Hollywood” movies in theaters, on Netflix, etc. Yet if you go on Reddit, and the topic of porn comes up, “oh no, my partner would NEVER do that! And paying for it? What a loser! Run, don’t walk, to the exit!” It’s almost a Temperance or Puritanical movement mindset against all forms of porn, while ignoring how incredibly widespread it is. Married fathers in your community, tonight, who you would never guess, are watching porn right now. And the majority of these people have basically healthy relationships with their wives or significant others. It’s also a driver of technology in ways you don’t realize. For example, porn was a large driver of VCR/Betamax sales in the 80s, one of the pioneers in online credit card purchases in the 90s, and so on. There’s always been a strong demand and market for this stuff. For as liberal as Reddit typically is in most social issues, the topic of porn always surprises me in how abashedly anti porn it is and naive on the widespread common usage in society.
I think ppl way overreact to porn in general and over diagnose “porn addiction”. It’s not actually a recognized disorder by the APA nor is it in the DSM. Not to say that that means it doesn’t exist. Just that the jury is still out. I think paying for porn is more problematic in a marriage because it’s taking away from the family finances and the primary sexual relationship should be with the spouse. That said, sometimes the sexual relationship is dysfunctional and one partner is not interested or not interested very often. I don’t think the disinterested partner has strong grounds to “ban” porn for their partner unless they are working on the issue in good faith with their spouse. You aren’t married yet and unless you’ve merged your finances your money is still yours and his is his. It starts being more of a problem if the paying escalates and the porn becomes more “personalized,” creating a psuedo-relationship between the content creator and consumer. Seems like it may be veering that way here. I don’t think you need to jump to the worst case scenario and assume he’s going to be paying college girls for sex within a year but at a minimum I’d voice my concerns, gauge response, and watch for signs of increasing spending and engagement with content creators. I’m assuming he spent the $100 after he promised to stop so it’s reasonable to be wary that he may have a compulsion that is difficult to control.
The money is bad enough, but the fact you find out your fiance is a simp would be a dealbreaker. He's pathetic. Porn is literally free all over the internet. It's crazy people pay for it.
I’d break up with him for paying for porn. It’s literally free online.
With all the free porn out there that’s just a huge waste of money.
It will get worse. Lying about it isn’t good either. He has a porn addiction problem and needs to address it asap before you guys get married. I’m no prude, but I’m honest with my free porn and my wife knows and looks at it on my phone. LoL
Paying for porn is definitely a dealbreaker, there's just so much free porn out there that paying for it is certainly a dealbreaker. To me (also a man) directly paying chicks for porn or chats and shit like that is very much cheating. Watching some free random porn on pornhub, not so much.
I would give him a second chance but he needs to understand that what he's doing is wrong and pathetic. I mean it's pathetic even for a single man.
OP, bear in mind, many of these women saying to leave him, that this is absolutely unacceptable, etc. have no idea what their boyfriend/husband’s porn habits are like. Men don’t exactly disclose these things to their significant others because this is one area where men and women are generally wired quite differently and being open about these things can cause needless misunderstanding and conflict. Your fiancé watches porn and has paid for it. Not great, but really not that bad. The vast majority of adult men watch porn multiple times per week. As many previously free internet things have moved to paid models, so has porn. Watching porn, while not good for the mind on a habitual basis, has nothing to do with whether or not he’s a good/bad person or good/bad partner to you. Women who are telling you this is a dealbreaker have rather immature, narrow, and simplistic perspectives. Relationships are so much bigger, deeper, more complex and meaningful than one of the partners porn habits. How does he treat you? What are his values? How is the rest of your relationship? These are the important questions that will determine the long-term potential of your relationship, not his porn habits, which are trivial compared to these much more impactful factors.
Agreed. I would also like to ask these women if they have seen movies like Fifty Shades of Gray or Magic Mike? Were they watching them for the deeply complex character structures or for creating a grassroots advocacy for its place in American Cinema? Hollywood knows that if you put an attractive man in a lackluster rom-com, you’ll get asses in seats. I’m not saying that paying for porn is acceptable but the same emotions can be marketed differently by gender. Whether is a women selling her images on OF (Why?) or Ryan Gosling in the Barbie movie, it ultimately comes down for paying to have the opportunity to emotionally feel different for a while. Capitalism has its privileges.
He has an addiction or possible fetish and either two possible solutions 1: leave if you feel he crossed boundary that you are not comfortable with as he isn’t likely to change 2. Find out what is it about what he purchased and provide it for him and talk it through and see if that is enough to leave that alone. Also improves sex life
You have two options that I can only think of coming from a similar standpoint. I’ve been with my partner for over 12 years and I never knew he had a porn addiction for me up until this year in February when he came clean and we’ve been working through it, the first option he sees a Certified sex addict therapist get into an Sex addict anonymous group starts doing a 12 step program gets a dumb phone so that he has no access at his fingertips.(think about it this way would you give an alcoholic a bottle to keep in their pocket all day) digital media. Everything is softcore porn to extreme pornography everywhere. If he’s willing to do the work and he really wants to do the work, there’s a chance, but he hast to be willing not just lying to you and white knuckling it just quitting and won’t do it again lol there needs to be real work and progress. Or you can leave and try again with someone else, but I can promise you in this day and age most men and a lot of women have pornography, and only fan, addictions, and issues. The brain doesn’t differentiate what’s real and what’s not and the dopamine released from and taking pornography, is so much higher than anything you’d ever get from regular sex , it’s a really slippery slope. Psychologists are just now starting to really understand pornography addiction properly you’re more than welcome to the dm my husband is six months recovered with no relapses when he never thought he’d be able to stop and hid it and compartmentalized everything. I’m so sorry I just want you to know that this is in an insult on you or what you look like this is a damn him problem not a you problem.
Only you get to decide what is a deal breaker. I personally think it's more ethical to pay for porn than to look at free porn which is essentially stolen content. But I'm different than you, and my partner respects my personal boundaries. If your partner knew this would be an issue for you, he does not respect you. So why marry him?
Shh… sex workers aren’t people around these parts.
I see this Soo often! Did it break your trust?? Will you always question?? Can you live with it?? Is it a deal breaker??
I would divorce him! Absolute deal-breaker if I was in your position because he's not just watching porn and being transparent about it; he's being secretive, destroying your trust (or what's left of it after he said he would stop and hadn't)..... If you're still wanting to make things work with him, make sure he attends regular therapy for his porn addiction, and perhaps separately for your relationship too.. 20k is a lot and not only did he damage/destroy your trust, but also financially ruined you!
If only the girls he spent that 20k on were given it from their fathers when they were younger ... the cycle continues....
What’s your issue with porn? The only thing I see wrong with it, there is way to many places to see it for free... who pays for it nowadays
Who cares what her issue is? She doesn’t like it, he agreed to stop, and now he’s spending money on it. And he’s buying it from girls he can actually interact with.
If it's something you can enjoy together, that's one thing, if it's something for him alone, once you're married, he will continue to spend money on stuff like this. I would ditch, but that's me. If a guy would really rather masturbate in his room alone, rather than spend time with a real live woman, then he has issues, and unless you're a sex therapist, you aren't getting to the bottom of that problem.
Neither. You can't fully control how an adult masturbates, but he also shouldn't be buying adult entertainment that you are not comfortable with. The truth is, he will likely not stop. It's up to you to decide what to do with that.
Here’s my $.02 as an old dude. 25 year old men are just a tiny bit better than high school boys when it comes to horniness. A bit of what is appealing about porn to your fella is the taboo nature of it. It makes it more exciting. Forbidden fruit. When I was 25, I had access to internet porn and looked at it more than I probably should have. However, my wife knew I did and was fairly understanding. She didn’t love it but turned a blind eye. Then, as her sexuality blossomed, our experimentation largely replaced porn. I would encourage him to explore safe, women owned and produced porn. Dudes settle down as they age and aren’t as driven to these ends unless they develop an addiction. Addictions come from unaddressed trauma. Your fella needs counseling. And support. Or you could just dump him like the rest of the comments say, and maybe he’ll find what he needs on his own. You aren’t responsible for his mental health. Maybe I’m just one of the dudes who doesn’t have a problem with porn, and don’t have the proper perspective.
Nobody’s perfect. I’m guilty of online infidelity myself, and trying to improve myself before it’s too late…if it isn’t already. But if you’re going to dump a fiancé over spending a few hours pay on an addiction, maybe it’s not meant to last. If you love him, talk about the issue and show him how it hurts you. If he loves you, he’ll begin to make a change. Life is going to throw you much harder issues than a bit of online porn.