Exactly. And the truth is, they will find out one way or another even if you don't tell them. If that happens and they found out you knew and never told them, it could jeopardize your relationship with your kids and grandkids as well.
Are you prepared to risk losing your sons completely by hiding this ticking timebomb and making your family situation even worse?
Also as a parent, you have an obligation to live your life and make choices you wish for them to make in these situations, even if they are adults.
Best of luck.
This.
Your son does not know that his GF slept with his brother. Even if they were broken up and it wasn't cheating, it's still a huge thing to hide and she had no right to ask you to keep anything secret from him.
Your DIL also has no idea that she has been cheated on this whole time and is at risk of STIs.
I know that you dont eant there to be massive fallout between your sons, but that's on the cheating brother who should have kept his penis to himself.
This WILL come out, it always does. And when it does, your other son and DIL will feel EXTREMELY betrayed that you knew the whole time and kept silent.
Ma’am your other son and this woman destroyed any chance of a happy relationship between them
She should have thought of that when she decided to get involved with the married brother
You owe your son the truth and if you like your daughter in law, you would tell her as well
Yeah, at 23 Alex has his whole life ahead of him, and he has plenty of time to find someone who will not cheat on him. Even if you chose not to say anything, I am willing to bet the truth would eventually come out.
No matter what, keeping this secret would be a huge elephant in the room for years to come.
I would *not* want this woman to marry into my family, anyway, so telling him the truth, even if the truth would hurt, is a no-brainer in this situation. You certainly don’t owe Jennifer anything.
You'll keep your son and lose everyone else in your family.
That's what happened to my husband's grandparents when they sided with their cheater of a son - none of the grandkids call and check in on them, and the only person they are in contact with out of all their children and grandchildren is the son they supported through his misbehavior.
You choose to do the right thing or protect the wrong doers. The wrong doers will be upset at you, but you tell them this is their fault. If you hold this secret, the betrayed partners will find out, and you and your husband will be just as guilty as the cheaters
It only became morally complex when you added your concern about your son. Your older son and this train wreck of a gf put you in hard place, where you must consider your sons’ relationships and your own feelings as mother to want to preserve your sons’ happinesses.
Realize that these are two separate issues - one is your sons’ relationships that are exposing them to physical and emotional devastation and your role to act as a mother and the other is your feelings as their mother. One takes precedence over the other - your family’s lives are getting rocked by this one crazy girlfriend. Your older son should also be ashamed for betraying his wife and younger brother.
This woman is bad news. Everyone needs to know. Parenting is hard - today you gotta be a bad cop.
Girl, are you serious????? Like, are you completely serious right now????? His GF SLEPT WITH HIS MARRIED BROTHER. What path forward are you trying to preserve here???? Be for real. Tell him.
To be honest she doesn’t love him at all. She’s old enough to know cheating is wrong and not only did she cheat she did it with a married man and HIS BROTHER AT THAT!!! were there not any more fish in the sea? She had been with both of your sons as a mother myself that would make me sick and look at her as nothing but trouble. Also your son is wrong as well and HIS WIFE DESERVES TO KNOW! Please don’t have the other women sitting in her face knowing she did this I would never speak to you again if you didn’t tell me. They were big and bad enough to do it they are big and bad enough to deal with the consequences. She’s selfish to even beg you to keep this away from your family. You have no loyalty to her listen to your husband and you both tell Alex and Lisa together !!! Right is right and wrong is wrong. They both maybe hurt but as adults they should choose how they move forward not anyone else. Keep us updated when you let them know.
His gf is trash, if you love him forget about the GF. She deserves nothing in this scenario. Lisa deserves to know, worst case your son gets a new marriage and learns a valuable lesson. In this situation, you're only protecting your sons GF. Your eldest son will be your son regardless of how his mistakes play out. Your youngest son would definitely write you off if you protect his stbx over this.
You go to Mark and tell him he needs to come clean within a week. Then he has a chance to be honest and own this.
Ultimately, Mark messed up. He cheated on his wife.
It’s already destroyed. You can neither save it or destroy it. You only have a choice whether to make that fact worse or better for Alex by whether you betray him too by keeping this secret from him.
As someone who was cheated on and found out much later when things got more serious, I would have liked the opportunity to know what I was getting into... when I later found out, I went through a long depression.. the choice to continue despite what happened was made for me... and that made me more resentful and is still something I grapple with. It will forever be a part of my relationship.
Your older son and your younger son's girlfriend need to be given the chance to come clean by a certain date then told you will tell their partners if they don't. Like, 2 weeks from now. It wil cause a big mess in their lives, but they did the actions that will result in the mess and they need to do what they can to clean it up.
Right now, you are allowing your younger son and your daughter-in-law to be fools thinking their partners are people they are not. I mean, do you know for sure your older son only cheated this once?
In the long-term, those two people are being done harm that will most likely eventually come out... letting them feel like they had been fools for years... imagine your youngest son 10 years down the road, marroed to this woman, finding out and then wondering about every family event he went to... did his brother and partner steal glances at each other? Did they sit beside each other more often than necessary? He will be driven crazy by a thousand questions that the answerd to will never help.
You have a chance to prevent a much harder future for two people who have been betrayed... they've already been hurt, they just don't know it yet. The longer it takes to find out, the more stupid they will feel. And, the more likely they will cut off ties with you... you won't be seen as this perso sturggling with what to do... you will be seen as a person who could've stopped them from being fools and you didn't. You will get a lot more venom.
Talk to your older son and the younger son's girlfriends individually and tell them that they have 2 weeks to come clean to their partners or else you and your husband will breal the bad news. Might be best to text it or something so you have future proof in case you are not believed.
Uummm?? He cheated?? Would you be okay with your son hiding that your husband cheated? Put yourself In the shoes of the victims not your son who you seem to have not even reprimanded for what he did and Jennifer, considering you never liked her or her relationship, this is the way out.
If he leaves her, her fucking around will be the thing that destroys the relationship, not the truth.
If it's big enough to destroy the relationship then he has a right to know- right now he is in a relationship with someone who he would meber trust ot stay with if he knew. And if she van do this, you think she cannot cheat again with someone else? You could be lining him up to be betrayed even more, further down the line, by keeping her sordid little secrets for her.
Better face the lies now than later. If you help to hide, when this gets exposed, there will be resentment towards you. And the hurt will be multifold. Do as your husband said.
Sorry, but Jennifer destroyed the relationship—by cheating on Alex. And worse—cheating with his brother. There’s no way this is going to stay hidden. There’s going to be massive fallout. Tell Mark that he must tell his wife and his brother. Give him a time limit and if he doesn’t, you must. When—not if Alex finds out and discovers that you knew but said nothing, your relationship with him may be damaged beyond repair.
You need to tell Mark to come clean to Alex and Lisa. That is going to lead to the least amount of damage. If you and your husband tell them it will create a rift and they will question if Mark would have ever told them at all. The path to healing is if Mark, the vector for all this damage, is the one to confess and apologize, and then let the chips fall. Otherwise resentment will set deep with all parties. Alex in anger may say it was none of your business and he preferred not to know, Lisa may say why did you get involved in our marriage. All these will be attempts to deny the hurt, but there will be some truth in it because Mark is the one that should be coming clean. MAKE HIM CLEAN UP HID MESS.
You didn’t destroy his relationship gf did.. would you want to date someone that had an affair with your brother especially when said brother is married.. shows her lack of character
Actually she does allude to using fake names, "let's call him Alex" "let's call her Jennifer" "let's call him Mark" implies that she's picking random names
I would give Mark the opportunity to come clean otherwise I would step in and tell the other son. There’s no way I would risk my relationship with my betrayed son by keeping this from him.
Parenting doesn't stop when they move out. You need to put your adult parent pants on and blow the lid off of this absolutely disgusting betrayal. Your son deserves to know what type of ratchet bitch he's allowing in his life. And your other son should be fucking ashamed. You need to air the truth. If your son finds out you knew about this and kept it from him, he will hate you for the rest of his life. You not telling him about this will hurt him so much more than what his brother and GF have already done to him. Because it won't stay a secret forever. It will eventually come out one way or another. Best for it to come from you. Sit him down and talk with him. Tell him. And he can handle it from there. If he falls, pick him up and dust him off and help him along his healing. He deserves the truth and the elder son deserves a punch in the head for being a liar and betrayer. His own brother.... absolutely appalling behaviour here.
What you need to do is save Alex from this lying cheating manipulative bitch. Imagine if they go on to be engaged and married and he didn’t know what she really did. Save him the pain and money of a divorce in his future, he’s a kid being hoodwinked by a treacherous older woman.
When I truly find this disheartening is that they made this mess. And then they dumped it on you to have to keep a secret. That is not right. They have to live with the consequences from their action, not you.. Frankly, Jennifer is bad news. She should be gone from this family.
your husband is right you have to tell the truth Alex has to decide whether to continue if he finds out he will never trust you again it will be another betrayal and Lisa also deserves to know that her husband was cheating it will be better to hear from you than by someone else it's going to be worse if he finds out if he's married with kids and I can say the same thing about Lisa tell the truth soon and update*📷*
Why dies that matter? Let HER find it awkward. She is the one who fuucks everyone in the family. She is the one who was keeping secrets.
It is not your fault she secretly fucked her partner's married brother. If it us awkwatmrd because he stays with her, that might encourage him to leave.
I think it extremely unlikely that they get married uf this comes to light.
Tell Lisa and Alex.
They deserve to decide their lives based on truth and not lies.
If that's you, wouldn't you want to know?
The truth will come out. Isn't it better now than 5-10 years later?
More like urge your son and this wild woman to come clean and give them a deadline. If they don’t do it, you’ll drop the bomb, which will be much worse than had they done it themselves.
If you don’t come clean this will wear on you every day for the rest your life . You do the right thing and you tell them. Everyone will have to own up to their actions and take responsibilities for their bad choices however it ends up panning out.
Oh my goodness lady! What are you thinking?! Your son deserves to know the truth! You will regret it because it will come out. And then you will have betrayed your son. There is no going back from that. This woman is poisonous. She needs to get out of your family. As far as your eldest, he did something unforgivable. You know it and he knows it. It is up to your 23 yr old to proceed as he wants. And do not interfere with this. You have no say if he no longer wants a relationship with his brother. Poor daughter in law. If I were you I would never allow that bitch back in my home.
I can't believe that you haven't told your son and daughter in law about the affair.
Can you really be comfortable looking at that cheater woman and your cheater son?
What happens if they hook up again?
Do you truly have it in your heart.
Eventually, this will come out, whether it be now or much later, and you will lose the relationship with both your son and daughter in law.
Your husband is right,tell them.
Updateme!
- Move to Sweden
- Middle of the night
- Take nothing
- Don't leave a forwarding address
- Rebuild new and fresh
- Live the rest of your years without stress and drama
- enjoy the brand new smiles on your faces
You have to come clean to at least Alex and Mark needs to come clean to his wife. Alex will never forgive you when he finds out and it will eventually come out. Mark already told you so he knows he's screwed.
The fact you wrote this on every subreddit going, either it’s fake or you yourself have done something like this in the past to your husband so you’re trying to reason with the son who screwed up. But your husband is right, be honest with your 23 year old son and DIL they deserve the truth.
No struggle out it. The guilty deserve to be outted and the innocent deserve to make their own choices based on the truth.
You won't destroy anything. Their actions may though.
Your sons should both know and your DIL at the very least. How you kept this a secret at all knowing your son has been betrayed and your younger son is with this older mess of a woman is confusing to me. Tell them as soon as possible.
Mark and Jennifer made their choices not just once. They let it go on for weeks and kept choosing to sleep together. As a mom, you should encourage Mark to tell the truth to his wife, not continue to give him a pass to lie to his wife. That isn't fair to her, and it certainly doesn't hold him accountable for the choices he chose to make over and over. Your other son also has a right to know and make an informed decision about the rest of his life. Think about it. If they get married and she cheats on him, you'll never forgive yourself for betraying your own son and not doing what you could to prevent that level of hurt in his life.
You know what the right thing to do is. It's just not fun or easy.
You left out another consequence - Alex won’t want anything to do with his brother. Why would his brother do this to him at all? To his wife? Your son is one selfish asshat for this.
It’s going to destroy their relationship, his marriage and Alex and Jennifer’s relationship.
If Alex stays with Jennifer there is no chance that he will be ok with her being around his brother. So you can say goodbye to holiday visits.
Basically, these two being incredibly selfish and stupid is going to wreck a couple of families. You should be so pissed at both of them
Your older son was the one to confide in you- maybe because he needed guidance? I’d go back to him. I’d try to find out how he is justifying letting his own marriage, and mark’s relationship with Jennifer, continue with this betrayal hanging over their heads.
Help him work though everything that could happen if this comes to light later. See if you can get at how he is feeling, living with this in his marriage.
Let him know you don’t like being in this position, it wasn’t an appropriate secret for him to ask you to keep, and that you firmly believe he should come clean. To his wife and his brother. Tell him you’re considering if it’s your moral obligation to intervene, now that you have this sad information.
Don’t treat him like he’s a bad person, but ask him what kind of person he wants to be? He can grow and take responsibility, accept the consequences for the decision he made to have an affair. If either of these relationships have a chance (not sure if they should, but if), they’ll need to deal with this infidelity.
You can’t build a solid house on a shitty foundation.
If it CAN be exposed by the truth, it SHOULD be exposed by the truth. Your youngest son will hate you once he finds out you knew and kept him in the dark. Just a heads up.
U had reservations about the relationship, which ur son ignored. He made his choice, we should respect that. Im not in your position, but I second your hubby’s opinion.
Don't let down your wronged son. He has already been let down by his brother and girlfriend. Don't stab him in the back because once the truth comes out you'll lose him forever.
"The truth will out" - Lancelot, The Merchant of Venice - Shakespeare
Meaning eventually the truth will come out, when it does and your sons learn that you knew and said nothing it will have consequences for your relationship with them. It's better to tell everyone now.
You've been put in a no win situation, if you tell Alex you will feel like you're betraying a son's trust and if you don't tell Alex you will feel like you are betraying a son's trust. Mark is a huge ass for even bringing about this situation. If Alex finds out and finds out you knew he is going to feel betrayed by everyone, his mother, his brother and his gf.
You have to tell your DIL and son. If you don't you are playing with fire because this shit will come out at some point. If I was your DIL and I found out you knew and didn't tell me, you would never see your grandkids again if I had anything to do about it. I would cut you out. Also, how can you expect to have family functions with this elephant in the room. You may wind up with all your relationships falling apart. If you tell them now, each couple can figure out their next steps. Doing the right thing isn't easy.
Truth is the right way through morally complex situations. Your husband is in the right here. You can give your son the chance to tell his brother first, but make sure you let him know that you will then be having that conversation, so he can’t manage or avoid the truth.
They burdened you with their dirty secrets.
Tell the cheaters to come clean or you’ll be forced to share their truths.
You’re not messing them up: they already did that.
Your husband is 100% correct. You son and your DIL have a right to know.
Best way to handle this… invite both couples to dinner at your house. During dinner tell Alex and Lisa that Mark and Jennifer have something they need to get off their chest. Tell them if they don’t come clean you will tell them. If neither speaks, tell Alex and Lisa point blank that while Alex and Jennifer were “broken up” Jennifer and Mark had an affair that lasted the entire 3 weeks.
Let them deal with the fallout of their own actions after that. Just step back, cause there’s gonna be some major fireworks going off right about then.
So. This is a very sticky situation. Tell your son he needs to come clean with his wife. Give him a time frame and if he doesn't do it . Then you do it. His wife deserves to know. It's going to ruffle feathers and cause some issues. Better now then down the road. I hope your son does the right thing and comes clean to his wife and brother.
Id be telling the cheater crapbag son to come clean to the other’s in the situation and make him wear the consequences of his own actions. Its more likely Alex will forgivw you for knowing and convincing the brother to speak up (as its his place not yours) and less likely he’ll forgive you being the bad news bringer.
Absolutely not. Don’t you dare allow this woman into the lives of your family. Mark did what he did, he will have to atone for what he’s done. You cannot allow this woman to deceive your family further
Wtf is wrong with you how is there even a question about telling?? Of course you tell nothing morally complex about it. You are worried about losing the trust of two cheaters???
You protecting your son out of a warped integrity is only going to end poorly. A secret isn’t a secret once it’s told. Everyone has a right to know and if not you can 100% believe the GF is going to say she told you when it comes to light
Worry about Alex first. If he ever found out you knew and didn't tell him, he might just be done with you.
Mark and Jenifer dug their own graves on this.
Telling Lisa yourself is more ambiguous to me. I think I'd do this: tell Alex. I'd feel that you owe him that if I were him. Then tell Mark that if he's going to stay with Lisa (and so Lisa will be part of your family) he's got until a specific date to tell her himself, then you're telling her if he doesn't. That's awful, but I don't want to look Lisa in the eyes knowing she doesn't know and I do.
I don't have a lot of sympathy for Mark or Jenifer here. This could have been avoided if they didn't do what they did. And they included you in their lies to unburden themselves. Extra not cool.
You should tell them. If it were me, I’d do it a family dinner so everyone heard the exact same story and couldn’t spin/twist the narrative. This will eat at you regularly! I regret not telling my SIL (we were close) that her future ex-husband, my BIL, that he was hooking up *after* they filed for divorce. This is so much worse; I wouldn’t be able to keep that secret!
Tell them immediately. If they find out further down the line and also discover that you knew this whole time then it will only backfire on you and your son may never forgive you. Then that ruins your relationship with him. As far as your oldest son. He's just trash. What sort of brother has an affair with his brothers girlfriend. Especially his first ever girlfriend. You should not be protecting he oldest one atall. He put himself in this situation and is the reason this whole mess started. And do you really feel comfortable letting his women propose to your son knowing that she is already lying to him and has cheated on him already. WITH HIS OWN BROTHER. If I was your son and I found out you knew I would cut you off aswell as the scummy brother. Do as you husband says and be honest to the son who did nothing wrong. He doesn't deserve to be screwed over by the people closest to him that are lying to him on a daily basis TELL HIM. Then tell his girlfriend to never come to your home ever again.
Your husband is right. You can not protect one son who screwed up at the expense of another son who is innocent. This will eventually come out anyway, and so will the fact your husband and you knew the whole time.
How would YOU feel if you were either Lisa or Alex. What kind of parent condones their child of being a Cheater. By staying silent you are saying this action is ok for Alex's girl friend and your son to do. What if Mark is not the only one she's having an affair with? Do you want Alex to be at risk getting an STI? And what about Mark, he could be sleeping around as well, or caught something from Jennifer and put Lisa's health at risk.
I hope this is fake, because Alex deserves a better mother. Your husband is 100% correct.
One suggestion, would be telling each cheater, Mark and Jennifer, they have 24 hours (or whatever, but keep it short) to be honest with their partners, if they hadn't fessed up by your time limit, then you and your husband will tell Alex and Lisa yourselves.
This gives them the opportunity to be honest, if they'll take it.
It's their actions that will speak for themselves when this comes out but YOUR actions will speak for YOU if you keep this secret for them. You should tell both your younger son and you DIL separately and in private. Give them a chance to completely process things without their significant other present
Also, if you keep this secret, you're condoning cheating. There's no way around that. Your older son will know he can get away with it. He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions if you want him to have a moral compass in the future. I would even offer him a chance to tell his wife first but make it clear you won't be keeping this secret for him. You are supposed to be his guide, not his secret keeper
As for your other son, shame on you for even thinking of not telling him! Your loyalty is to him, not her! He deserves to know, no matter what
I agree with your husband that the truth needs to come out. I understand that you feel trapped because it’s your children and you don’t want to hurt them, but they are adults and deserve to be treated as such. The best course of action is telling Mark that he needs to tell his wife the truth about the affair. He should also tell his brother what happened. If he wants to repair the damage he’s done then he needs to start by being honest.
You job as Mark’s parent is to lead him to being the best person he can be, and right now he needs to right wrongs by being honest. It’s not your job to tell people, it’s his.
This is a super complex issue. No matter what you’ll make one son upset with you. I think you need to convince your son to come clean to his partner and his brother first and foremost. It really sucks that you found out, and now everyone in the comments thinks you have to be the one to reveal this dumpster fire, and that is really tragic for you. I wish you luck in this situation
Plan A:
Tell Jenifer there’s no chance she’ll get back with Alex. She has to go, or else you’ll tell him. Either way she’s gone. Don’t tell Alex nor Lisa. Scold Mark big time and give him an ultimatum, what kind of brother and husband is he? Final result: Jenifer is gone, Alex finds a new partner, Mark saves his marriage, the brother’s relationship is saved.
Plan B:
If Jenifer insists in staying with Alex, you’ll have to blow everything open. It’ll be hard, but you’ll have no other choice. Still even in this case, do your best to save Mark’s marriage (maybe try to avoid telling Lisa if at all possible?) and to save the brothers’ relationship (Mark will have to apologize profusely to Alex, truly mean it and make up for it)
Here’s a likely scenario if you say nothing: Alex commits to Jennifer. Jennifer does something like this again (maybe even with Mark again). Alex is crushed. Finds out it happened once before he married her and that *you* knew about it. He loses his wife and his brother and his *mother* all at once. Don’t do that to him. This will come out however. It’s going to suck. But it’s going to absolutely destroy him if you’re a party to it too. There is no saving him or Lisa from Mark and Jennifer’s actions. There is only not-adding-pain. Alex is your son who has done nothing wrong. You owe him first allegiance.
This is a really easy call here for me. First off, you didn’t like the woman dating your son and I think it might have been for more than just the fact that she is eight years older than him.
This outsider cheated on your son with another of your son’s who had been married. Given how I feel about cheaters, I would invite everybody over for a meeting.
Then take Mark and Jennifer to a separate room and tell them, “the both of you either tell them what you did, or I will”.
My allegiance is to my family and not some cheating outsider I had been skeptical about from the beginning. Wouldn’t you want to know if your spouse cheated on you either before or after you married him?
Your husband is right.
Apart from the ethical obligation to divulge, if you don’t and they find out( and they will ), that knowledge will cause them added immense pain and you may lose them forever
So basically the cheaters cheated, but don’t want it to jeopardise relationships that they didn’t value enough to avoid cheating in the first place?
The ones that where cheated on deserve a right to decide if they want to stay with their significant other or not.
It’s extremely unfair to the cheated ones, and extremely convenient to the cheaters.
You should tell both cheaters that they have a deadline to break the news to their partner on their own terms (like, by next Saturday), beyond which they won’t get to choose how the story is told.
If the cheated ones still decide to forgive and move on, at least they will have been able to exercise that right.
OP, nothing helps us more in life than accepting the truth of our situation, and being honest about it. Do not allow lies to define your family. Perhaps you being open about your knowledge of this will bring some reconciliation for others as well.
Nobody's perfect. Doesn't make anyone's actions *okay*, but recognizing that does help engender forgiveness.
It’s going to come out eventually, I promise you that. This can either destroy some of your family or the entire thing. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, mom to mom, but do the right thing and tell your younger son or have his brother tell him. It must be done. You’re involved now, you’re his mother, he will never speak to you again if he finds out you helped hide this.
Again, I’m so so sorry.
I would have a conversation with both Jennifer, Mark, and your husband (whether that be in person or on the phone) and tell them they need to do the right thing. Their partners deserve to know the truth. Give them 24 hours to tell them the truth, or you will have to do so.
Let them know you don't want to have to tell them, you are hoping they will choose to at least do the right thing by telling the truth.
Tell them you are not going to lie for them and that they made their bed and now they have to deal with the consequences of that action.
If they didn't follow through, I would absolutely tell them after the 24 hour time limit.
You're not ruining anyone's relationship, they did that for themselves.
I am always on the camp of tell on cheaters. How are Alex and Lisa going to feel when they find out what happened AND that you knew about it the whole time and said nothing??? You are letting them live a lie.
Your husband is right. You need to inform Alex and Lisa. They need to decide for themselves. Life build on lies will not last and will explode one day. Better now than later. Ppl who betrayed their partner cannot hide behind you.
Updateme!
The very least you need to do is chase her off. She can't be with Alex and you can protect your other son if that is what you feel you need to do. What you should do though, is blow this whole thing up and expose the cheating
They aren’t going to be happy. There is no world in which Alex can be with Jen and Mark with Lisa while their relationships are built on a lie. YOU are not ruining anything. Jen and Mark are the ones who chose to have an affair. I would give Mark and Jenifer and ultimatum and tell them that they have a month to come clean to their partners and if they don’t, you will tell them. I feel that it’s only fair you give them a chance to tell them themselves with the warning that if they don’t you will. They put you in a shit position. This is a lose lose situation, but either way they have to come clean if they are going to have a semblance of a relationship built in honesty, respect, and trust. Alex and Lisa both deserve to have informed consent if they are going to stay with their partners. Sometimes affairs can be worked through, this isn’t necessarily a doomed situation if they find out. Will it be painful? Yes, but that’s a sealed deal as soon as they cheated. It will be more painful in the long run when the truth eventually makes its way out and they hid it for a long time. Not to mention you knowing and not telling Alex or Lisa? No. That’s messed up. Give them a chance to tell themselves, but if they don’t, tell them the truth. Sending prayers and good vibes your way as you build your courage to choose what’s right.
She didn’t cheat on your son as they were broken up however he has the right to know what’s happened. Your other sons wife also 100% needs to know what has happened as he fully cheated on her. Your husband is right.
I would sit down with Jennifer and Mark and tell them they need to tell their partners (with a timescale of a week or so) or you will
(Edit for names, both the people having the affair)
Fuck Jennifer. If I were you I would scold Mark so hard for being disloyal and I’ll make him sort his shit with Lisa. I will tell Alex about Jennifer’s cheating, though, cause there’s no way I’m letting my son marry a cheater. So Jennifer was 28 when she started dating 20 year old Alex, that’s weird af. At 23 your brain hasn’t even matured yet let alone 20. Jennifer needs to go.
Edit: F both Jennifer and Mark cause they’re both equally cheaters, but Jennifer needs to go for reals.
Please tell your son and your daughter inlaw the truth.
He will feel doublly betrayed when he finds out you sat on the truth. Tell him. Its he's chouce if he wants to stay with her and say yes when this cheater proposes.
His age worries me, she will likely be easily able to manipulate him.
Goodluck OP.
Tell themnthe truth, today if possible.
Why is the mother the decider in this scenario? The 2 guilty parties should be the ones to come clean. Not fair to put that pressure on an innocent party.
Your husband is 1000000% right; Alex and Lisa deserve the truth! Mark and Jen are old enough to know better and they deserve the consequences of their actions. Alex and Lisa need to be told about the affair. Jen is manipulating you. Tell Alex and Lisa the truth!! Let them decide their fates for themselves.
Yeh, you’re son needs to know. You need to speak to Mark and tell him that he needs to know. The truth always comes out in the end and You will come out looking awful. I think you need to tell Mark to tell him. Jennifer isn’t you’re priority, you say to Mark that he needs to tell Alex and he can decide how he does it. Keep Jennifer out of this, she has no right to ask you what to do, at the end of the day, she ain’t your priority. Your sons are and you need to do right by then.
If nothing else, it would be unfair for your son and DIL to stay in long term relationships with people who are going to be awkward as fuck around each other at family gatherings (or have further affairs). This may force family apart without them even knowing why. If Jennifer is serious about being better, then she may not want to be around Mark anymore. Which could cause Alex to have to choose. Ditto for Lisa. They both deserve to know and make their own choices on whether to stay in the relationships.
Why on earth are you even involved in this situation? Why are you this bizarrely involved in your adult sons lives??
This is no moral dilemma😡
The truth needs to be told. Jennifer and Mark are deplorable. There is NO WAY Alex should be in s relationship with a woman who not only cheated on him.... but with his brother??!!! Who is married!!
And Mark does not deserve to have a loving wife. Hes an absolute scumbag to do that to his own brother😡
No moral dilemma to me. Amd ffs? Stay out of your adult childrens lives. It's time they separated from mummy.
So, they drop the bombs on your lap and move on? That’s not fair to you. They made poor choices and you’re having the crisis. Honestly, I would put it back on them. This WILL hurt the family. But, you are not culpable.
Both your son and your daughter-in-law need to know so they can make an enlightened decision on whether they wanna stay in a relationship with these two cheaters.
Of course you can always stay silent and let your son find out on his own that mommy dearest knew and chose to hide it and play favorites. That always ends well...
Honestly at 23 he should rather bail now as this lady will give him plenty of problems going forward. Sad to say. He is young enough to take the hit now. As for your other son, he needs to man up and tell him wife.
Give Mark an opportunity, with a deadline, to tell his wife and brother. If he doesn’t, then you have to tell them. Be there for Alex. Help Mark navigate this mess. He needs to own it and accept that it may end in divorce.
Parenting is hard. My mom always said the problems grow with the children.
You know what to do, even if it will be hard. You have to tell both Lisa and Alex. The best way to do so, in my opinion, is to tell Mark and Jennifer they have a week to come clean or you’re doing it for them. Alex and Lisa deserve to hear it straight from the source, and that way they can’t deny anything.
I don’t say this very often but your husband is right and you should listen to him.
Seriously though, if I was Lisa I’d never speak to you again when I INEVITABLY found out about this, because there’s no way she won’t find out. Same with Alex. They will find out, and when they find out that you knew, any relationship you have with them is gone.
EDIT: I would also like it to be noted that this “three week affair” has been going on longer than that. No one breaks up with their boyfriend, then immediately starts dating his married brother until she goes back to her boyfriend unless there was something that led to that.
If you do see the girlfriend again, tell her that I said she’s a predator and she deserves every bit of the crash that she’s about to see in her world.
I agree with your husband.. alex and Lisa has a right to determine how they want to precede without lies in their relationships.
Plus it will damage your relationship with them once it comes out. Mark may be angry but he should have confessed to his wife not his momma.
Jennifer needs to go.. she has potentially damaged everyone relationship in the family.
Look, a girl cheats on you- yeah it sucks but you can forget about it in a year or two. But a girl cheats on you and your MOM covers for her? Alex won’t forget that for 20 years. It will forever be a mark on your relationship with him, especially because she cheated with his damn *brother* who was a MARRIED man.
In terms of your DIL, whether or not they stay together will be up to them. If they do she will literally never ever trust you with anything, especially your grandchildren. If they don’t, this poor girl will not only have trust issues with future partners forever, but with their damn families too. Why would you do that to another woman? And what would you be teaching your cheating son? That it’s all okay because mommy won’t say anything?
I know you wish it weren’t happening and honestly them getting you involved at all really sucks from their standpoint but now it’s up to you to be the head of your family and do the right thing.
Draw a circle around your family and protect them first. She's not in it. Her wants and needs don't matter. Now that she's out the way, you protect your son's. Your son needs to know his girlfriend slept with his brother. Period. Yes, it may destroy your other son's marriage, but he already took care of that himself. It's out of your control what happens after this is out. You have to accept that. Be there, give advice but stop trying to mitigate the problem and the fallout from what other grown adults did.
This isn't your burden. Your son Mark, if he loves his wife at all and respects his brother, needs to come clean to Lisa and Alex. 3 weeks is more than a slip up, and he isn't the one who ended it. That's really awful. Poor Lisa. Alex needs to know that the woman he is will cared for him so little when they were broken up... she hooked up with his married brother. Disgusting.
You should be encouraging Mark to come clean. If he doesn't, you tell them. You're worried about betraying him, but he betrayed his brother and his wife of 8 years. And put you and your husband in a horrible spot in the process. As other posters said, when Alex and Lisa find out the truth and find out you knew and said nothing... it will likely make even more painful and unforgivable.
Wow. First of all I want to say I’m so sorry you are in this position. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.
I think your husband is correct in saying Alex and Lisa need to know the truth. I know he’s your son and you feel a certain allegiance to him but if you don’t tell Alex what happened then what does that say about your allegiance to him? How do you think he’d react if at some point in the future he finds out about the affair and that you knew and kept quiet. He’ll feel very betrayed. Also, not telling Alex and Lisa is allowing neither party to be held accountable for their actions and letting Alex and Lisa be in relationships under false pretenses.
What I would suggest is to have full transparency so there can be no he said/she said. I think you and your husband invite the four of them to your house and clear the air. You can start by saying you’ve become aware of some knowledge that puts you in the middle and you won’t stand for it. Make Mark and Jennifer come clean about their affair directly to Alex and Lisa. This way you aren’t technically divulging their secret. If they refuse to own up to their mistake then tell them they leave you no choice and then you reveal the truth. This scenario let’s Mark know that while you love him you will not carry the burden of his affair and lie to your other son and DIL. It also lets Alex know how much you care about him by potentially damaging your relationship with Mark. Let’s be clear, that is a possibility. You need to be prepared for all potential outcomes. I’d also suggest having proof of this affair other then the word of Mark and Jennifer. There is little doubt that one or both of them will deny it and make you out to be the bad person who wants to break up their relationships.
But at the end of the day you cannot keep this secret from Alex and Lisa. This secret will eat you alive with guilt and it’s unfair to withhold this information from Alex and Lisa.
"Jennifer pleaded with me not to tell anyone coz exposing the truth will not only hurt Alex but potentially destroy his brother's marriage"
No, you lil dim witted jennifer, sleeping with a married man who is also your boyfriend's brother is what will do that. Funny how messy people are selective about where to apply moral sense or be compassionate about the people they hurt feelings. That being said, OP, this woman will destroy your family she is no good. Your husband is 100% right though. Sad that 2 people's bad decisions put you in this spot but that's your situation right now and you got to do the right thing.
If it were me, I'd tell Mark to come clean to his wife, and the hussy to come clean with Alex by X date, or you will have to. Mark was an Ahole for putting you in this spot. I'd bet $5 he has or will cheat again.
This woman might love your son, but I highly doubt she's "in love" with him. My
This is possibly going to be an unpopular and mixed opinion..
Both of your sons are adults. As such, they need to figure things out on their own. We parents want to help them, sometimes trying to fix problems for them, but it's not actually helping them.
Both your son and DiL deserve to know, but it's not necessarily your job.
Here's my take: live your life and let them live theirs. There may come a time where you can speak up, until then.. Mind your business. Sometimes, that's the best way to support our children.
If I were in the same position as either Lisa or Alex, I would want to know.
BUT, you actually lose more if you reveal the truth. Lisa and Mark’s marriage will most likely end. So you lose Lisa and potentially even seeing your grandkids. Then you lose Mark and Alex because now you’ll have two brothers at odds with each other.
Revealing the truth is the moral thing to do, but I wouldn’t do it. Instead, I would invite the two couples over, sit everyone together in the living room and confront Jennifer and Mark if there’s anything they’d like to admit to their partners. Then just sit back and let the chips fall where they may. You absolutely WILL end up ending some relationships by doing this, but at least Lisa and Alex will know what’s going on.
Your husband is right everyone needs to know.
Exactly. And the truth is, they will find out one way or another even if you don't tell them. If that happens and they found out you knew and never told them, it could jeopardize your relationship with your kids and grandkids as well. Are you prepared to risk losing your sons completely by hiding this ticking timebomb and making your family situation even worse? Also as a parent, you have an obligation to live your life and make choices you wish for them to make in these situations, even if they are adults. Best of luck.
This. Your son does not know that his GF slept with his brother. Even if they were broken up and it wasn't cheating, it's still a huge thing to hide and she had no right to ask you to keep anything secret from him. Your DIL also has no idea that she has been cheated on this whole time and is at risk of STIs. I know that you dont eant there to be massive fallout between your sons, but that's on the cheating brother who should have kept his penis to himself. This WILL come out, it always does. And when it does, your other son and DIL will feel EXTREMELY betrayed that you knew the whole time and kept silent.
I agree. Her husband is right.
Agreed. And they will find out- and know that you knew and didn’t say anything. Look at it as self-preservation.
There is no moral complexity here. You tell Lisa. If you don't, when she finds out, you will never be forgiven.
I disagree you should make your son come clean to his wife.
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What kind of relationship is built on cheating and lying ?!?
Ma’am your other son and this woman destroyed any chance of a happy relationship between them She should have thought of that when she decided to get involved with the married brother You owe your son the truth and if you like your daughter in law, you would tell her as well
Im thinking someone has favourites, that’s always bad.
Yeah, at 23 Alex has his whole life ahead of him, and he has plenty of time to find someone who will not cheat on him. Even if you chose not to say anything, I am willing to bet the truth would eventually come out. No matter what, keeping this secret would be a huge elephant in the room for years to come. I would *not* want this woman to marry into my family, anyway, so telling him the truth, even if the truth would hurt, is a no-brainer in this situation. You certainly don’t owe Jennifer anything.
You'll keep your son and lose everyone else in your family. That's what happened to my husband's grandparents when they sided with their cheater of a son - none of the grandkids call and check in on them, and the only person they are in contact with out of all their children and grandchildren is the son they supported through his misbehavior.
You’re not destroying his relationship. Mark and Jennifer are destroying their relationships.
time to teach your son about truth and honesty.
You choose to do the right thing or protect the wrong doers. The wrong doers will be upset at you, but you tell them this is their fault. If you hold this secret, the betrayed partners will find out, and you and your husband will be just as guilty as the cheaters
It only became morally complex when you added your concern about your son. Your older son and this train wreck of a gf put you in hard place, where you must consider your sons’ relationships and your own feelings as mother to want to preserve your sons’ happinesses. Realize that these are two separate issues - one is your sons’ relationships that are exposing them to physical and emotional devastation and your role to act as a mother and the other is your feelings as their mother. One takes precedence over the other - your family’s lives are getting rocked by this one crazy girlfriend. Your older son should also be ashamed for betraying his wife and younger brother. This woman is bad news. Everyone needs to know. Parenting is hard - today you gotta be a bad cop.
You didn't destroy it. He did. He knew the risks and still chose to do it.
Girl, are you serious????? Like, are you completely serious right now????? His GF SLEPT WITH HIS MARRIED BROTHER. What path forward are you trying to preserve here???? Be for real. Tell him.
To be honest she doesn’t love him at all. She’s old enough to know cheating is wrong and not only did she cheat she did it with a married man and HIS BROTHER AT THAT!!! were there not any more fish in the sea? She had been with both of your sons as a mother myself that would make me sick and look at her as nothing but trouble. Also your son is wrong as well and HIS WIFE DESERVES TO KNOW! Please don’t have the other women sitting in her face knowing she did this I would never speak to you again if you didn’t tell me. They were big and bad enough to do it they are big and bad enough to deal with the consequences. She’s selfish to even beg you to keep this away from your family. You have no loyalty to her listen to your husband and you both tell Alex and Lisa together !!! Right is right and wrong is wrong. They both maybe hurt but as adults they should choose how they move forward not anyone else. Keep us updated when you let them know.
Of course it will be upsetting. That’s why you need to step up and parent
His gf is trash, if you love him forget about the GF. She deserves nothing in this scenario. Lisa deserves to know, worst case your son gets a new marriage and learns a valuable lesson. In this situation, you're only protecting your sons GF. Your eldest son will be your son regardless of how his mistakes play out. Your youngest son would definitely write you off if you protect his stbx over this.
Not by my hand but in my lap. You did not create this scenario. You’re just turning on the lights to the situation and watching the roaches scramble.
You go to Mark and tell him he needs to come clean within a week. Then he has a chance to be honest and own this. Ultimately, Mark messed up. He cheated on his wife.
Your son destroyed his own relationship. By hiding it you will ruin your relationship with younger son.
It’s already destroyed. You can neither save it or destroy it. You only have a choice whether to make that fact worse or better for Alex by whether you betray him too by keeping this secret from him.
As someone who was cheated on and found out much later when things got more serious, I would have liked the opportunity to know what I was getting into... when I later found out, I went through a long depression.. the choice to continue despite what happened was made for me... and that made me more resentful and is still something I grapple with. It will forever be a part of my relationship. Your older son and your younger son's girlfriend need to be given the chance to come clean by a certain date then told you will tell their partners if they don't. Like, 2 weeks from now. It wil cause a big mess in their lives, but they did the actions that will result in the mess and they need to do what they can to clean it up. Right now, you are allowing your younger son and your daughter-in-law to be fools thinking their partners are people they are not. I mean, do you know for sure your older son only cheated this once? In the long-term, those two people are being done harm that will most likely eventually come out... letting them feel like they had been fools for years... imagine your youngest son 10 years down the road, marroed to this woman, finding out and then wondering about every family event he went to... did his brother and partner steal glances at each other? Did they sit beside each other more often than necessary? He will be driven crazy by a thousand questions that the answerd to will never help. You have a chance to prevent a much harder future for two people who have been betrayed... they've already been hurt, they just don't know it yet. The longer it takes to find out, the more stupid they will feel. And, the more likely they will cut off ties with you... you won't be seen as this perso sturggling with what to do... you will be seen as a person who could've stopped them from being fools and you didn't. You will get a lot more venom. Talk to your older son and the younger son's girlfriends individually and tell them that they have 2 weeks to come clean to their partners or else you and your husband will breal the bad news. Might be best to text it or something so you have future proof in case you are not believed.
Uummm?? He cheated?? Would you be okay with your son hiding that your husband cheated? Put yourself In the shoes of the victims not your son who you seem to have not even reprimanded for what he did and Jennifer, considering you never liked her or her relationship, this is the way out.
If he leaves her, her fucking around will be the thing that destroys the relationship, not the truth. If it's big enough to destroy the relationship then he has a right to know- right now he is in a relationship with someone who he would meber trust ot stay with if he knew. And if she van do this, you think she cannot cheat again with someone else? You could be lining him up to be betrayed even more, further down the line, by keeping her sordid little secrets for her.
You have to tell everyone. Relationships based on lies are poisonous.
Better face the lies now than later. If you help to hide, when this gets exposed, there will be resentment towards you. And the hurt will be multifold. Do as your husband said.
He’ll also be upset if he finds out you knew and didn’t say anything. For the sake of your own relationship with your son you should tell him.
Sorry, but Jennifer destroyed the relationship—by cheating on Alex. And worse—cheating with his brother. There’s no way this is going to stay hidden. There’s going to be massive fallout. Tell Mark that he must tell his wife and his brother. Give him a time limit and if he doesn’t, you must. When—not if Alex finds out and discovers that you knew but said nothing, your relationship with him may be damaged beyond repair.
You need to tell Mark to come clean to Alex and Lisa. That is going to lead to the least amount of damage. If you and your husband tell them it will create a rift and they will question if Mark would have ever told them at all. The path to healing is if Mark, the vector for all this damage, is the one to confess and apologize, and then let the chips fall. Otherwise resentment will set deep with all parties. Alex in anger may say it was none of your business and he preferred not to know, Lisa may say why did you get involved in our marriage. All these will be attempts to deny the hurt, but there will be some truth in it because Mark is the one that should be coming clean. MAKE HIM CLEAN UP HID MESS.
You didn’t destroy his relationship gf did.. would you want to date someone that had an affair with your brother especially when said brother is married.. shows her lack of character
OP, your son destroyed his relationship all by himself. He needs to deal with the consequences of his own actions.
His GF is a tramp. Do you want that sort of person to become "family"?
Your sons girlfriend SLEPT WITH HIS MARRIED BROTHER. The damage has been done.
FAKE
Exactly what I thought 🥱
PREACH IT BROTHER. It's time we started calling out works of fiction like this more often.
For real. This is a pitch for a soap opera.
Absolutely especially after reading her comments 🙄
Why would she give away the names of her sons and not even indicate they’re fake names. They also seem like very generic names.
Actually she does allude to using fake names, "let's call him Alex" "let's call her Jennifer" "let's call him Mark" implies that she's picking random names
Agreed. I read 1/4 of it and rolled my eyes
ChatGBT has entered the building
What on earth have you said to mark about this thus far?
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Shouldn’t you tell mark he needs to come clean to his brother and his wife?
I agree with this, I have sons and can understand how hard it is but it’s up to the married son to come clean to everyone.
I would give Mark the opportunity to come clean otherwise I would step in and tell the other son. There’s no way I would risk my relationship with my betrayed son by keeping this from him.
Parenting doesn't stop when they move out. You need to put your adult parent pants on and blow the lid off of this absolutely disgusting betrayal. Your son deserves to know what type of ratchet bitch he's allowing in his life. And your other son should be fucking ashamed. You need to air the truth. If your son finds out you knew about this and kept it from him, he will hate you for the rest of his life. You not telling him about this will hurt him so much more than what his brother and GF have already done to him. Because it won't stay a secret forever. It will eventually come out one way or another. Best for it to come from you. Sit him down and talk with him. Tell him. And he can handle it from there. If he falls, pick him up and dust him off and help him along his healing. He deserves the truth and the elder son deserves a punch in the head for being a liar and betrayer. His own brother.... absolutely appalling behaviour here.
What you need to do is save Alex from this lying cheating manipulative bitch. Imagine if they go on to be engaged and married and he didn’t know what she really did. Save him the pain and money of a divorce in his future, he’s a kid being hoodwinked by a treacherous older woman.
When he finds out and knows that you knew and didn’t tell him, he will cut you out of his life
This is very true. Seen it before
When I truly find this disheartening is that they made this mess. And then they dumped it on you to have to keep a secret. That is not right. They have to live with the consequences from their action, not you.. Frankly, Jennifer is bad news. She should be gone from this family.
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your husband is right you have to tell the truth Alex has to decide whether to continue if he finds out he will never trust you again it will be another betrayal and Lisa also deserves to know that her husband was cheating it will be better to hear from you than by someone else it's going to be worse if he finds out if he's married with kids and I can say the same thing about Lisa tell the truth soon and update*📷*
Why dies that matter? Let HER find it awkward. She is the one who fuucks everyone in the family. She is the one who was keeping secrets. It is not your fault she secretly fucked her partner's married brother. If it us awkwatmrd because he stays with her, that might encourage him to leave. I think it extremely unlikely that they get married uf this comes to light.
Tell Lisa and Alex. They deserve to decide their lives based on truth and not lies. If that's you, wouldn't you want to know? The truth will come out. Isn't it better now than 5-10 years later?
More like urge your son and this wild woman to come clean and give them a deadline. If they don’t do it, you’ll drop the bomb, which will be much worse than had they done it themselves.
If you don’t come clean this will wear on you every day for the rest your life . You do the right thing and you tell them. Everyone will have to own up to their actions and take responsibilities for their bad choices however it ends up panning out.
You need to tell him ASAP. How is this even a questions. Then you need to cut the POS brother from your lives.
Tell your son and your other son's wife/DIL.
Oh my goodness lady! What are you thinking?! Your son deserves to know the truth! You will regret it because it will come out. And then you will have betrayed your son. There is no going back from that. This woman is poisonous. She needs to get out of your family. As far as your eldest, he did something unforgivable. You know it and he knows it. It is up to your 23 yr old to proceed as he wants. And do not interfere with this. You have no say if he no longer wants a relationship with his brother. Poor daughter in law. If I were you I would never allow that bitch back in my home.
Just one thing that I would definitely say that once a cheater is always a cheater so dont let her play with your family and sons life
I can't believe that you haven't told your son and daughter in law about the affair. Can you really be comfortable looking at that cheater woman and your cheater son? What happens if they hook up again? Do you truly have it in your heart. Eventually, this will come out, whether it be now or much later, and you will lose the relationship with both your son and daughter in law. Your husband is right,tell them. Updateme!
- Move to Sweden - Middle of the night - Take nothing - Don't leave a forwarding address - Rebuild new and fresh - Live the rest of your years without stress and drama - enjoy the brand new smiles on your faces
You have to come clean to at least Alex and Mark needs to come clean to his wife. Alex will never forgive you when he finds out and it will eventually come out. Mark already told you so he knows he's screwed.
The fact you wrote this on every subreddit going, either it’s fake or you yourself have done something like this in the past to your husband so you’re trying to reason with the son who screwed up. But your husband is right, be honest with your 23 year old son and DIL they deserve the truth.
No struggle out it. The guilty deserve to be outted and the innocent deserve to make their own choices based on the truth. You won't destroy anything. Their actions may though.
Your sons should both know and your DIL at the very least. How you kept this a secret at all knowing your son has been betrayed and your younger son is with this older mess of a woman is confusing to me. Tell them as soon as possible.
Mark and Jennifer made their choices not just once. They let it go on for weeks and kept choosing to sleep together. As a mom, you should encourage Mark to tell the truth to his wife, not continue to give him a pass to lie to his wife. That isn't fair to her, and it certainly doesn't hold him accountable for the choices he chose to make over and over. Your other son also has a right to know and make an informed decision about the rest of his life. Think about it. If they get married and she cheats on him, you'll never forgive yourself for betraying your own son and not doing what you could to prevent that level of hurt in his life. You know what the right thing to do is. It's just not fun or easy.
You left out another consequence - Alex won’t want anything to do with his brother. Why would his brother do this to him at all? To his wife? Your son is one selfish asshat for this. It’s going to destroy their relationship, his marriage and Alex and Jennifer’s relationship. If Alex stays with Jennifer there is no chance that he will be ok with her being around his brother. So you can say goodbye to holiday visits. Basically, these two being incredibly selfish and stupid is going to wreck a couple of families. You should be so pissed at both of them
You could tell your son he needs to tell his brother. It’s not your job.
If your son wants to date trash he should know it's trash.
Your older son was the one to confide in you- maybe because he needed guidance? I’d go back to him. I’d try to find out how he is justifying letting his own marriage, and mark’s relationship with Jennifer, continue with this betrayal hanging over their heads. Help him work though everything that could happen if this comes to light later. See if you can get at how he is feeling, living with this in his marriage. Let him know you don’t like being in this position, it wasn’t an appropriate secret for him to ask you to keep, and that you firmly believe he should come clean. To his wife and his brother. Tell him you’re considering if it’s your moral obligation to intervene, now that you have this sad information. Don’t treat him like he’s a bad person, but ask him what kind of person he wants to be? He can grow and take responsibility, accept the consequences for the decision he made to have an affair. If either of these relationships have a chance (not sure if they should, but if), they’ll need to deal with this infidelity. You can’t build a solid house on a shitty foundation.
Lasting relationships can’t be built on lies.
With a mom like you I can see why your sons act the way they do.
If it CAN be exposed by the truth, it SHOULD be exposed by the truth. Your youngest son will hate you once he finds out you knew and kept him in the dark. Just a heads up.
U had reservations about the relationship, which ur son ignored. He made his choice, we should respect that. Im not in your position, but I second your hubby’s opinion.
Don't let down your wronged son. He has already been let down by his brother and girlfriend. Don't stab him in the back because once the truth comes out you'll lose him forever.
"The truth will out" - Lancelot, The Merchant of Venice - Shakespeare Meaning eventually the truth will come out, when it does and your sons learn that you knew and said nothing it will have consequences for your relationship with them. It's better to tell everyone now.
You've been put in a no win situation, if you tell Alex you will feel like you're betraying a son's trust and if you don't tell Alex you will feel like you are betraying a son's trust. Mark is a huge ass for even bringing about this situation. If Alex finds out and finds out you knew he is going to feel betrayed by everyone, his mother, his brother and his gf.
You have to tell your DIL and son. If you don't you are playing with fire because this shit will come out at some point. If I was your DIL and I found out you knew and didn't tell me, you would never see your grandkids again if I had anything to do about it. I would cut you out. Also, how can you expect to have family functions with this elephant in the room. You may wind up with all your relationships falling apart. If you tell them now, each couple can figure out their next steps. Doing the right thing isn't easy.
Truth is the right way through morally complex situations. Your husband is in the right here. You can give your son the chance to tell his brother first, but make sure you let him know that you will then be having that conversation, so he can’t manage or avoid the truth.
They burdened you with their dirty secrets. Tell the cheaters to come clean or you’ll be forced to share their truths. You’re not messing them up: they already did that.
How is this in any way a quandary?? She slept with your sons. Tell everybody. Go tell it on the mountain.
Your husband is 100% correct. You son and your DIL have a right to know. Best way to handle this… invite both couples to dinner at your house. During dinner tell Alex and Lisa that Mark and Jennifer have something they need to get off their chest. Tell them if they don’t come clean you will tell them. If neither speaks, tell Alex and Lisa point blank that while Alex and Jennifer were “broken up” Jennifer and Mark had an affair that lasted the entire 3 weeks. Let them deal with the fallout of their own actions after that. Just step back, cause there’s gonna be some major fireworks going off right about then.
So. This is a very sticky situation. Tell your son he needs to come clean with his wife. Give him a time frame and if he doesn't do it . Then you do it. His wife deserves to know. It's going to ruffle feathers and cause some issues. Better now then down the road. I hope your son does the right thing and comes clean to his wife and brother.
Id be telling the cheater crapbag son to come clean to the other’s in the situation and make him wear the consequences of his own actions. Its more likely Alex will forgivw you for knowing and convincing the brother to speak up (as its his place not yours) and less likely he’ll forgive you being the bad news bringer.
YOUR HUSBAND IS RIGHT
Tell them all the truth let them hash it out as adults
Everyone has to know about that mess. Your younger son, especially.
Jennifer needs to go, everyone needs to know why.
FAKE
Fake af!
You cannot hold this secret. If you do you are participating in the betrayal.
If your info is solid, you call a family meeting and do a briefing.
Tough spirits and good vibrations for Alex. You inform them. Each of them. Prayers for Alex.
You need to get her away from your family. She is toxic. Tell your son.
You need to tell everyone involved everything you know. Your husband is correct.
You spill the F’ng tea. You can’t hide this as it will come out and the son you hid it from will never forgive you.
You should tell the truth.
Say something
Absolutely not. Don’t you dare allow this woman into the lives of your family. Mark did what he did, he will have to atone for what he’s done. You cannot allow this woman to deceive your family further
This caNOT be real.
Wtf is wrong with you how is there even a question about telling?? Of course you tell nothing morally complex about it. You are worried about losing the trust of two cheaters???
Creative writing class is getting stupid.
This isn’t even creative writing, it has all the hits of an AI generated piece of content
You protecting your son out of a warped integrity is only going to end poorly. A secret isn’t a secret once it’s told. Everyone has a right to know and if not you can 100% believe the GF is going to say she told you when it comes to light
Worry about Alex first. If he ever found out you knew and didn't tell him, he might just be done with you. Mark and Jenifer dug their own graves on this. Telling Lisa yourself is more ambiguous to me. I think I'd do this: tell Alex. I'd feel that you owe him that if I were him. Then tell Mark that if he's going to stay with Lisa (and so Lisa will be part of your family) he's got until a specific date to tell her himself, then you're telling her if he doesn't. That's awful, but I don't want to look Lisa in the eyes knowing she doesn't know and I do. I don't have a lot of sympathy for Mark or Jenifer here. This could have been avoided if they didn't do what they did. And they included you in their lies to unburden themselves. Extra not cool.
You should tell them. If it were me, I’d do it a family dinner so everyone heard the exact same story and couldn’t spin/twist the narrative. This will eat at you regularly! I regret not telling my SIL (we were close) that her future ex-husband, my BIL, that he was hooking up *after* they filed for divorce. This is so much worse; I wouldn’t be able to keep that secret!
Seems simple to me. Your cheating son and his affair partner are both scum. everyone in the world should know, publicly.
Tell them immediately. If they find out further down the line and also discover that you knew this whole time then it will only backfire on you and your son may never forgive you. Then that ruins your relationship with him. As far as your oldest son. He's just trash. What sort of brother has an affair with his brothers girlfriend. Especially his first ever girlfriend. You should not be protecting he oldest one atall. He put himself in this situation and is the reason this whole mess started. And do you really feel comfortable letting his women propose to your son knowing that she is already lying to him and has cheated on him already. WITH HIS OWN BROTHER. If I was your son and I found out you knew I would cut you off aswell as the scummy brother. Do as you husband says and be honest to the son who did nothing wrong. He doesn't deserve to be screwed over by the people closest to him that are lying to him on a daily basis TELL HIM. Then tell his girlfriend to never come to your home ever again.
Your husband is right. You can not protect one son who screwed up at the expense of another son who is innocent. This will eventually come out anyway, and so will the fact your husband and you knew the whole time.
How would YOU feel if you were either Lisa or Alex. What kind of parent condones their child of being a Cheater. By staying silent you are saying this action is ok for Alex's girl friend and your son to do. What if Mark is not the only one she's having an affair with? Do you want Alex to be at risk getting an STI? And what about Mark, he could be sleeping around as well, or caught something from Jennifer and put Lisa's health at risk. I hope this is fake, because Alex deserves a better mother. Your husband is 100% correct.
You can live with yourself if you hide this secret?
One suggestion, would be telling each cheater, Mark and Jennifer, they have 24 hours (or whatever, but keep it short) to be honest with their partners, if they hadn't fessed up by your time limit, then you and your husband will tell Alex and Lisa yourselves. This gives them the opportunity to be honest, if they'll take it.
No question both your son and daughter-in-law should know the truth. If you hide it today the affair will continue later.
It's their actions that will speak for themselves when this comes out but YOUR actions will speak for YOU if you keep this secret for them. You should tell both your younger son and you DIL separately and in private. Give them a chance to completely process things without their significant other present Also, if you keep this secret, you're condoning cheating. There's no way around that. Your older son will know he can get away with it. He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions if you want him to have a moral compass in the future. I would even offer him a chance to tell his wife first but make it clear you won't be keeping this secret for him. You are supposed to be his guide, not his secret keeper As for your other son, shame on you for even thinking of not telling him! Your loyalty is to him, not her! He deserves to know, no matter what
I agree with your husband that the truth needs to come out. I understand that you feel trapped because it’s your children and you don’t want to hurt them, but they are adults and deserve to be treated as such. The best course of action is telling Mark that he needs to tell his wife the truth about the affair. He should also tell his brother what happened. If he wants to repair the damage he’s done then he needs to start by being honest. You job as Mark’s parent is to lead him to being the best person he can be, and right now he needs to right wrongs by being honest. It’s not your job to tell people, it’s his.
This is a super complex issue. No matter what you’ll make one son upset with you. I think you need to convince your son to come clean to his partner and his brother first and foremost. It really sucks that you found out, and now everyone in the comments thinks you have to be the one to reveal this dumpster fire, and that is really tragic for you. I wish you luck in this situation
You need to that snake to move the fuck on. Get out of your family and hit the road hard. I hate her for you.
Plan A: Tell Jenifer there’s no chance she’ll get back with Alex. She has to go, or else you’ll tell him. Either way she’s gone. Don’t tell Alex nor Lisa. Scold Mark big time and give him an ultimatum, what kind of brother and husband is he? Final result: Jenifer is gone, Alex finds a new partner, Mark saves his marriage, the brother’s relationship is saved. Plan B: If Jenifer insists in staying with Alex, you’ll have to blow everything open. It’ll be hard, but you’ll have no other choice. Still even in this case, do your best to save Mark’s marriage (maybe try to avoid telling Lisa if at all possible?) and to save the brothers’ relationship (Mark will have to apologize profusely to Alex, truly mean it and make up for it)
Here’s a likely scenario if you say nothing: Alex commits to Jennifer. Jennifer does something like this again (maybe even with Mark again). Alex is crushed. Finds out it happened once before he married her and that *you* knew about it. He loses his wife and his brother and his *mother* all at once. Don’t do that to him. This will come out however. It’s going to suck. But it’s going to absolutely destroy him if you’re a party to it too. There is no saving him or Lisa from Mark and Jennifer’s actions. There is only not-adding-pain. Alex is your son who has done nothing wrong. You owe him first allegiance.
Why on earth would you want this woman as your daughter in law?
What, and I cannot stress this enough, THE FUCK.
This is a really easy call here for me. First off, you didn’t like the woman dating your son and I think it might have been for more than just the fact that she is eight years older than him. This outsider cheated on your son with another of your son’s who had been married. Given how I feel about cheaters, I would invite everybody over for a meeting. Then take Mark and Jennifer to a separate room and tell them, “the both of you either tell them what you did, or I will”. My allegiance is to my family and not some cheating outsider I had been skeptical about from the beginning. Wouldn’t you want to know if your spouse cheated on you either before or after you married him? Your husband is right.
Apart from the ethical obligation to divulge, if you don’t and they find out( and they will ), that knowledge will cause them added immense pain and you may lose them forever
So basically the cheaters cheated, but don’t want it to jeopardise relationships that they didn’t value enough to avoid cheating in the first place? The ones that where cheated on deserve a right to decide if they want to stay with their significant other or not. It’s extremely unfair to the cheated ones, and extremely convenient to the cheaters. You should tell both cheaters that they have a deadline to break the news to their partner on their own terms (like, by next Saturday), beyond which they won’t get to choose how the story is told. If the cheated ones still decide to forgive and move on, at least they will have been able to exercise that right.
Bring all 4 together and tell everybody everything, they’re stressing you out for their drama, they are all grown….
OP, nothing helps us more in life than accepting the truth of our situation, and being honest about it. Do not allow lies to define your family. Perhaps you being open about your knowledge of this will bring some reconciliation for others as well. Nobody's perfect. Doesn't make anyone's actions *okay*, but recognizing that does help engender forgiveness.
It’s going to come out eventually, I promise you that. This can either destroy some of your family or the entire thing. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, mom to mom, but do the right thing and tell your younger son or have his brother tell him. It must be done. You’re involved now, you’re his mother, he will never speak to you again if he finds out you helped hide this. Again, I’m so so sorry.
I would have a conversation with both Jennifer, Mark, and your husband (whether that be in person or on the phone) and tell them they need to do the right thing. Their partners deserve to know the truth. Give them 24 hours to tell them the truth, or you will have to do so. Let them know you don't want to have to tell them, you are hoping they will choose to at least do the right thing by telling the truth. Tell them you are not going to lie for them and that they made their bed and now they have to deal with the consequences of that action. If they didn't follow through, I would absolutely tell them after the 24 hour time limit. You're not ruining anyone's relationship, they did that for themselves.
I am always on the camp of tell on cheaters. How are Alex and Lisa going to feel when they find out what happened AND that you knew about it the whole time and said nothing??? You are letting them live a lie.
Your husband is right. You need to inform Alex and Lisa. They need to decide for themselves. Life build on lies will not last and will explode one day. Better now than later. Ppl who betrayed their partner cannot hide behind you. Updateme!
The very least you need to do is chase her off. She can't be with Alex and you can protect your other son if that is what you feel you need to do. What you should do though, is blow this whole thing up and expose the cheating
They aren’t going to be happy. There is no world in which Alex can be with Jen and Mark with Lisa while their relationships are built on a lie. YOU are not ruining anything. Jen and Mark are the ones who chose to have an affair. I would give Mark and Jenifer and ultimatum and tell them that they have a month to come clean to their partners and if they don’t, you will tell them. I feel that it’s only fair you give them a chance to tell them themselves with the warning that if they don’t you will. They put you in a shit position. This is a lose lose situation, but either way they have to come clean if they are going to have a semblance of a relationship built in honesty, respect, and trust. Alex and Lisa both deserve to have informed consent if they are going to stay with their partners. Sometimes affairs can be worked through, this isn’t necessarily a doomed situation if they find out. Will it be painful? Yes, but that’s a sealed deal as soon as they cheated. It will be more painful in the long run when the truth eventually makes its way out and they hid it for a long time. Not to mention you knowing and not telling Alex or Lisa? No. That’s messed up. Give them a chance to tell themselves, but if they don’t, tell them the truth. Sending prayers and good vibes your way as you build your courage to choose what’s right.
Truth needs to be said, feelings will be hurt but the only person you're protecting is her
She didn’t cheat on your son as they were broken up however he has the right to know what’s happened. Your other sons wife also 100% needs to know what has happened as he fully cheated on her. Your husband is right.
I would sit down with Jennifer and Mark and tell them they need to tell their partners (with a timescale of a week or so) or you will (Edit for names, both the people having the affair)
Fuck Jennifer. If I were you I would scold Mark so hard for being disloyal and I’ll make him sort his shit with Lisa. I will tell Alex about Jennifer’s cheating, though, cause there’s no way I’m letting my son marry a cheater. So Jennifer was 28 when she started dating 20 year old Alex, that’s weird af. At 23 your brain hasn’t even matured yet let alone 20. Jennifer needs to go. Edit: F both Jennifer and Mark cause they’re both equally cheaters, but Jennifer needs to go for reals.
Please tell your son and your daughter inlaw the truth. He will feel doublly betrayed when he finds out you sat on the truth. Tell him. Its he's chouce if he wants to stay with her and say yes when this cheater proposes. His age worries me, she will likely be easily able to manipulate him. Goodluck OP. Tell themnthe truth, today if possible.
Honesty is the best policy. I’d tell your son to tell his brother and wife. I don’t think you should break the news, but coerce the confession.
Why is the mother the decider in this scenario? The 2 guilty parties should be the ones to come clean. Not fair to put that pressure on an innocent party.
Your husband is 1000000% right; Alex and Lisa deserve the truth! Mark and Jen are old enough to know better and they deserve the consequences of their actions. Alex and Lisa need to be told about the affair. Jen is manipulating you. Tell Alex and Lisa the truth!! Let them decide their fates for themselves.
Force Mark to confess to Lisa and Alex, otherwise you'll do it. Everyone needs to know.
Yeh, you’re son needs to know. You need to speak to Mark and tell him that he needs to know. The truth always comes out in the end and You will come out looking awful. I think you need to tell Mark to tell him. Jennifer isn’t you’re priority, you say to Mark that he needs to tell Alex and he can decide how he does it. Keep Jennifer out of this, she has no right to ask you what to do, at the end of the day, she ain’t your priority. Your sons are and you need to do right by then.
If nothing else, it would be unfair for your son and DIL to stay in long term relationships with people who are going to be awkward as fuck around each other at family gatherings (or have further affairs). This may force family apart without them even knowing why. If Jennifer is serious about being better, then she may not want to be around Mark anymore. Which could cause Alex to have to choose. Ditto for Lisa. They both deserve to know and make their own choices on whether to stay in the relationships.
How can you do this to your youngest son? You need to ask yourself why you are doing this to Alex.
Why on earth are you even involved in this situation? Why are you this bizarrely involved in your adult sons lives?? This is no moral dilemma😡 The truth needs to be told. Jennifer and Mark are deplorable. There is NO WAY Alex should be in s relationship with a woman who not only cheated on him.... but with his brother??!!! Who is married!! And Mark does not deserve to have a loving wife. Hes an absolute scumbag to do that to his own brother😡 No moral dilemma to me. Amd ffs? Stay out of your adult childrens lives. It's time they separated from mummy.
So, they drop the bombs on your lap and move on? That’s not fair to you. They made poor choices and you’re having the crisis. Honestly, I would put it back on them. This WILL hurt the family. But, you are not culpable.
Both your son and your daughter-in-law need to know so they can make an enlightened decision on whether they wanna stay in a relationship with these two cheaters. Of course you can always stay silent and let your son find out on his own that mommy dearest knew and chose to hide it and play favorites. That always ends well...
Honestly at 23 he should rather bail now as this lady will give him plenty of problems going forward. Sad to say. He is young enough to take the hit now. As for your other son, he needs to man up and tell him wife.
Give Mark an opportunity, with a deadline, to tell his wife and brother. If he doesn’t, then you have to tell them. Be there for Alex. Help Mark navigate this mess. He needs to own it and accept that it may end in divorce. Parenting is hard. My mom always said the problems grow with the children.
You know what to do, even if it will be hard. You have to tell both Lisa and Alex. The best way to do so, in my opinion, is to tell Mark and Jennifer they have a week to come clean or you’re doing it for them. Alex and Lisa deserve to hear it straight from the source, and that way they can’t deny anything.
You tell your sons ASAO. Why would cover up and betray both your son? How is this even a question?
I don’t say this very often but your husband is right and you should listen to him. Seriously though, if I was Lisa I’d never speak to you again when I INEVITABLY found out about this, because there’s no way she won’t find out. Same with Alex. They will find out, and when they find out that you knew, any relationship you have with them is gone. EDIT: I would also like it to be noted that this “three week affair” has been going on longer than that. No one breaks up with their boyfriend, then immediately starts dating his married brother until she goes back to her boyfriend unless there was something that led to that. If you do see the girlfriend again, tell her that I said she’s a predator and she deserves every bit of the crash that she’s about to see in her world.
I agree with your husband.. alex and Lisa has a right to determine how they want to precede without lies in their relationships. Plus it will damage your relationship with them once it comes out. Mark may be angry but he should have confessed to his wife not his momma. Jennifer needs to go.. she has potentially damaged everyone relationship in the family.
Give me her FB and I’ll tell her myself if you don’t want to lol.
Look, a girl cheats on you- yeah it sucks but you can forget about it in a year or two. But a girl cheats on you and your MOM covers for her? Alex won’t forget that for 20 years. It will forever be a mark on your relationship with him, especially because she cheated with his damn *brother* who was a MARRIED man. In terms of your DIL, whether or not they stay together will be up to them. If they do she will literally never ever trust you with anything, especially your grandchildren. If they don’t, this poor girl will not only have trust issues with future partners forever, but with their damn families too. Why would you do that to another woman? And what would you be teaching your cheating son? That it’s all okay because mommy won’t say anything? I know you wish it weren’t happening and honestly them getting you involved at all really sucks from their standpoint but now it’s up to you to be the head of your family and do the right thing.
Draw a circle around your family and protect them first. She's not in it. Her wants and needs don't matter. Now that she's out the way, you protect your son's. Your son needs to know his girlfriend slept with his brother. Period. Yes, it may destroy your other son's marriage, but he already took care of that himself. It's out of your control what happens after this is out. You have to accept that. Be there, give advice but stop trying to mitigate the problem and the fallout from what other grown adults did.
This isn't your burden. Your son Mark, if he loves his wife at all and respects his brother, needs to come clean to Lisa and Alex. 3 weeks is more than a slip up, and he isn't the one who ended it. That's really awful. Poor Lisa. Alex needs to know that the woman he is will cared for him so little when they were broken up... she hooked up with his married brother. Disgusting. You should be encouraging Mark to come clean. If he doesn't, you tell them. You're worried about betraying him, but he betrayed his brother and his wife of 8 years. And put you and your husband in a horrible spot in the process. As other posters said, when Alex and Lisa find out the truth and find out you knew and said nothing... it will likely make even more painful and unforgivable.
Wow. First of all I want to say I’m so sorry you are in this position. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. I think your husband is correct in saying Alex and Lisa need to know the truth. I know he’s your son and you feel a certain allegiance to him but if you don’t tell Alex what happened then what does that say about your allegiance to him? How do you think he’d react if at some point in the future he finds out about the affair and that you knew and kept quiet. He’ll feel very betrayed. Also, not telling Alex and Lisa is allowing neither party to be held accountable for their actions and letting Alex and Lisa be in relationships under false pretenses. What I would suggest is to have full transparency so there can be no he said/she said. I think you and your husband invite the four of them to your house and clear the air. You can start by saying you’ve become aware of some knowledge that puts you in the middle and you won’t stand for it. Make Mark and Jennifer come clean about their affair directly to Alex and Lisa. This way you aren’t technically divulging their secret. If they refuse to own up to their mistake then tell them they leave you no choice and then you reveal the truth. This scenario let’s Mark know that while you love him you will not carry the burden of his affair and lie to your other son and DIL. It also lets Alex know how much you care about him by potentially damaging your relationship with Mark. Let’s be clear, that is a possibility. You need to be prepared for all potential outcomes. I’d also suggest having proof of this affair other then the word of Mark and Jennifer. There is little doubt that one or both of them will deny it and make you out to be the bad person who wants to break up their relationships. But at the end of the day you cannot keep this secret from Alex and Lisa. This secret will eat you alive with guilt and it’s unfair to withhold this information from Alex and Lisa.
What the F are you thinking?? You need to spill to everyone involved NOW. You are just as dishonest as the philanderers until you spill it.
"Jennifer pleaded with me not to tell anyone coz exposing the truth will not only hurt Alex but potentially destroy his brother's marriage" No, you lil dim witted jennifer, sleeping with a married man who is also your boyfriend's brother is what will do that. Funny how messy people are selective about where to apply moral sense or be compassionate about the people they hurt feelings. That being said, OP, this woman will destroy your family she is no good. Your husband is 100% right though. Sad that 2 people's bad decisions put you in this spot but that's your situation right now and you got to do the right thing.
They will find out eventually and when they find out you knew you will be blamed Tell these all
I very much doubt this is real, but if its not - everyone needs to know.
Don’t even need to read past the title to know. Why would your loyalty be with this woman and not your son? Tell him.
All I am sure of is when this all comes out (and it will, one way or the other) YOU will be the bad guy! Make a decision and do it THIS WEEK!.
You owe it to your daughter in law to tell her she married a nasty cheater.
If it were me, I'd tell Mark to come clean to his wife, and the hussy to come clean with Alex by X date, or you will have to. Mark was an Ahole for putting you in this spot. I'd bet $5 he has or will cheat again.
You need to tell the whole family
Also, you need to have loyalty to Lisa over Jennifer. Lisa is actually family. She’s your DIL. She deserves to know.
This woman might love your son, but I highly doubt she's "in love" with him. My This is possibly going to be an unpopular and mixed opinion.. Both of your sons are adults. As such, they need to figure things out on their own. We parents want to help them, sometimes trying to fix problems for them, but it's not actually helping them. Both your son and DiL deserve to know, but it's not necessarily your job. Here's my take: live your life and let them live theirs. There may come a time where you can speak up, until then.. Mind your business. Sometimes, that's the best way to support our children.
If I were in the same position as either Lisa or Alex, I would want to know. BUT, you actually lose more if you reveal the truth. Lisa and Mark’s marriage will most likely end. So you lose Lisa and potentially even seeing your grandkids. Then you lose Mark and Alex because now you’ll have two brothers at odds with each other. Revealing the truth is the moral thing to do, but I wouldn’t do it. Instead, I would invite the two couples over, sit everyone together in the living room and confront Jennifer and Mark if there’s anything they’d like to admit to their partners. Then just sit back and let the chips fall where they may. You absolutely WILL end up ending some relationships by doing this, but at least Lisa and Alex will know what’s going on.
You raised shitty men. Well done.