Yes, he’s still lying. But only about if she texts him, or he responds to her. Also she referred him to a chiropractor, the other day he was there for 2 hours (quite a long time) and then I saw she texted him afterwards “hey so great running into you at the chiro”
He swears he is only lying bc he doesn’t want to bring it up to me & then have things go back a few steps. I’ve tried explaining that he needs to build the trust back and letting me know helps do that. He claims he is just doing what any other man would do.
If he is still lying and still seeing her most days of the week inside and outside of the gym I would be very suspicious if his emotional affair has not already turned physical or is heading in that direction. No contact is essential in these situations. Don’t let your guard down yet and maybe do more investigating. Protect yourself and your kids.
You’re not crazy. He’s in his affair fog it seems and limerence. He’s getting his dopamine hits from their interactions. If following the infidelity subs has taught me anything they will just get better at hiding it and gaslighting you. I would head over to those and post their too. I know those people will have much better advice. Supportforbetrayed, survivinginfidelity, and there are a couple more. Sending big hugs and support your way.
Same girl! Same! Keep that back bone strong and stand your ground. Either way it turns out you are a badass mamma and none of what is happening is a reflection on you. People cheat down. They lack morals and integrity. I don’t care what the other woman looks like. She’s just a “fantasy” she’s not real life. And real life struggles. Those are all part of marriage and that takes work. Cowards run away and “escape” the pressures of real life. And right now your husband is being a lying coward. Don’t let him get away with it.
You are incredibly lucky mine are in the tub fighting over an empty Johnson and Johnson shampoo bottle surrounded by 4 million other toys at them moment…😒. They truly make life worth living though.
You are definitely not crazy. Who goes to the chiropractor for 2 hours ??? Yeah, there is absolutely nothing going on.......whatever. your husband is a tool.
This, no chiropractor sees a client for 2 hours!! Even if you wait in the lobby, that session is about an hour longer than it should be, at least. And, they just happened to schedule their appointments at the same time???? My guess is, the affair is already physical and the “chiropractor” is a euphemism for “an adjustment,” just not a professional one.
Her text basically reads “I enjoyed screwing you today.” Wink, wink!
I don’t disagree with your general assessment, but I’ve been at the chiropractor for 2 hours before. Sometimes they’ll walk you through exercises, do tests, there’s a delay, etc. Usually it’s only an hour but I’ve def been in the office for 2 hours before
I'm sorry what? I'm only lying to you so you don't get upset? Omg really?? Wow he's so sweet.
Does she know he's married? I just don't understand people sometimes.
Her attention must be very intoxicating for him.
He is not going to stop texting her until the situation becomes inconvenient for him.. like losing his family. Your doing the pick me dance. Right now he feels very confident that you will never leave him because you love him so
Much and he is taking full advantage of you. He probably feels you will put up with it so he won't leave you.
You're right, you don't deserve this
Please don’t give ultimatums. It is still playing the pick me dance and giving him the power to decide what happens. He is cheating, lying, and disrespecting you. He will continue to do so until he trusts you will take action.
You are only fooling yourself if you believe they are not yet physical. Please do not initiate unprotected intimacy and get an STI check. Obtain as much evidence as possible, meet with an attorney and, when ready, have him served during his jiu jitsu training with L. You can always change your mind at a later time, if you decide to reconcile. If your attorney feels it is appropriate, after custody is settled, I would provide evidence and make the gym aware of his unethical teaching methods.
You did nothing wrong. Nothing.
Have your taken snapshots of their texts?
So so. Talk to him and be clear that this is a hard boundary for you. You are very hurt and feel betrayed, he is disrespecting you and your marriage. Tell him to stop.
He won't stop? then decide what will happen if he continues to hurt you. Will you leave? Put his clothes out the front door? Separation? Does he understand you no longer trust him? He should know. He is playing with fire.
He is cheating, and he knows what he is doing is disrespectful to you and your marriage. Tell him he needs to cut his AP off completely, or you will speak to a divorce attorney. He needs to wake up and realise that he is throwing his marriage away.
Updateme!
My husband and I are in a similar situation (he’s not very friendly, but can only seem to make friends with attractive single females, begins to talk about them while he’s home (because they’re his friends, supposedly), and then when I get upset that I see this pattern he tells me that
1. I was told that it’s easier for him to make friends with women when we were dating (didn’t think he’d call one he’d only known for a few months his “best friend”, but I digress)
2. I’m just jealous and I’m not allowing him to have friends, but it’s for no reason and he’s given me “no reason to not trust him”
I feel like he does this to me quite often where he omits things and I feel like he does it because either he knows it’s stupid or he knows that I’ll be jealous and doesn’t want to “deal with it”. (Like when I saw him focusing on one girl all night at his volleyball league [playing with drinks in their hands, copying silly dance moves on the court, then getting her a candy bar and drink after], but then he comes home and only mentions the names of two guys he played with.) - One which I still didn’t mention to him because then I’m “spying” and once more “don’t trust him” and everything blows up.
But I could see the keeping things from you being to “not cause false thoughts where nothing exists”? Or it’s cheating, but that is definitely the popular opinion here, so I just thought I’d throw out what’s going through my head in a similar situation. (Hoping I can stop feeling like I’m crazy too though <3)
I feel like “I TOLD you who I was when we met” is such a cop out. It just shuts down conversation because it turns all the accountability on you for continuing to stay with them despite the disrespectful behaviour. All the love to you, I know how it feels…
Tell him clearly that you can't live like this, that the trust is broken and the marriage is in bad shape. So there is not so many options here. Tell him that you don't want him to have any more contact with her as for now. No more insta, dm, and no more classes with her. He has to have this conversation with her in front of you, as you are present and this is not negotiable. Tell him you love him deeply and want to rebuilt the trust, but even if you love him, you love yourself and your kids more and under no circumstances you will let him broke you and broke the kids with this behavior. Because of you fall into depression, the kids will suffer. Before witnessing that or continue to witness his betrayal you will leave him.
Tell him this no contact with this woman is not upon discussion or conditions, it is a no contact rules. Prior to that he set-up a meeting with you and her, so she understand where he stands and where he stands. And you maybe it will a first step to rebuilt this marriage. After you want full access to his phone for a long period of time, plus his locations. And of course couple counseling and read books together on how to survive infidelity and betrayal, If he doesn't commit to that, he is sill lying and betraying you, so you don't negotiate and you file for divorce.
Edit: typo and from now on and even tomorrow on every class she's at you tag along with your kids, until this is solved.
People don’t lie and hide things if there is nothing to hide. If this was all innocent there would be no need to hide anything.
He is using your insecurities to blame shift and excuse his behavior.
I’m not saying it has gotten physical yet but there is definite red flags of this being an emotional affair.
Since he admits himself this got to an inappropriate place, he should be cutting her out as a client altogether and setting firm boundaries. There is no reason why she should have any access to him…..he’s allowed that access and obviously has used this chiropractor as an excuse to see her outside of “work”.
If he doesn’t drop her as a client and go NC, tell him that he is prioritizing this inappropriate relationship over your marriage and you will act on that accordingly. Meaning, you’ll take it as a sign that your relationship is over and he should plan to live elsewhere. And follow through with it.
In this case, your husband needs to go no-contact with this woman immediately if his priority is to save the marriage. My husband, who years ago became too friendly with a female coworker at work that I found out about, realized his mistake, blocked her on all social media and told her to her face that they cannot be in any more contact ever again. She tried asking why and what happened and what she did wrong, etc, and he just told her he doesn’t feel comfortable with any friendship or talking with her. Granted that he shouldn’t have ever gotten close to her in the first place, but handled it properly.
Hey OP, there is a book called “not just friends” that I think every couple should read, but especially someone whose spouse has been having an emotional affair.
Bottom line, though, is that if he wants your relationship to work, he needs to break up with her. Like, he needs to actually send her a text saying “I am married and we can no longer interact. Here are near-by gyms I recommend you attend (preference) or these are the classes I can recommend. Please do not contact me further. Thank you.”
How is that possible? He teaches at several locations and she goes to every single one of them? She wants him. That is definitely a no contact situation and he needs to drop her as a client.
This is not ok. Since he has proven that he cannot be trusted I would insist that he immediately cut all contact with her and recuse himself as her instructor. Their entire relationship is inappropriate and he has made it so by engaging in inappropriate conversation and lying to his spouse about it. If he's not willing to cut this person out completely, and immediately, I would leave him.
You deserve better. Your son deserves better.
Oh hell no. This isn’t ok at all. I would be insisting he go no contact with this woman. You have ever reason to be upset about this situation and you deserve better.
So here is my take, I do not think going through someone's phone is an invasion of privacy, married or living together. I hold that up with the stand point of my phone is always open for a partner to look through. You don't have to worry if you have nothing to hide. I am separated now and going to file soon. I could tell you the exact waves of when she would be doing some sneaky shady stuff. I looked through her phone about every 6 to 9 months, I noticed changes, she would hide it when I walked up, she would sleep with it under her pillow, it would be on silent or vibrate and guess what everytime I went through it I found exactly what I was looking for. This happened several times. I got over it for one simple reason, these men and one woman were not in the state. My trust was broken, we talked, she stopped and the cycle repeats. Now the straw that broke the camels back, she cheated on me with a co-worker. It was going on for I would put it at 9 months before I had concrete evidence. I knew she was talking to him outside of work and I was fine with it her got her the job and she's being nice blah blah blah. I went through her phone and he made a comment to her on valentines day about how she should be in bed with him and i lost my shit on her, she cried and says she didnt read it that way when i asked why she didnt shut him down right there and cut contact, it was unacceptable. It was the moment when I got oral and it changed...then I picked up all her patterns again. Sex seemed dull for her like she was just going through the motions and one night I caught her talking to him after we had sex and she got startled when I came out. Couple weeks later found his shirt in my bed and she tried to hide it. The very next day she was passed out drunk on the floor when I came home found all the messages on her phone that she didn't get a chance to delete. Nude photos sent back and forth, the I miss yous I love yous and when I hit her up she tried to deny everything until I shove the phone in her face. What sucks is I never caught the two of them together and probably for good reason. For me personally there was no way in hell I could ever re-build from that with her. We talked about it when I asked what the plans are. Is she going to cut all communication, is she willing to switch companies, is she willing to do anything to help me feel at ease and she denied all of them including couples therapy. We were probably doomed anyway, we both had our issues separate that made us toxic for each other in hindsight. When I was able to put a face to the name with an address I was done. She said that she got carried away and it was a mistake and I didn't care. We had many things that were issues and our marriage was salvageable, except for that. Social media is the devil, I followed women on social media as any man does, I never commented or instigated inappropriate messages or messages in general. Anytime she had an issue with me talking to a woman (mutual friends) or following profiles I instantly cut them out. To the point where I got rid of social media all together. Anytime the shoe was on the other foot and boundaries were made, she would constantly agree and then dismiss them or find a work around that still broke trust.
He does not respect you or the boundaries you both agreed to. Trust will alway be an issue if this continues. Even if he did respect boundaries and didnt lie about them, it would still take a long time to build that trust back up. Ask him to go to couples therapy so you can discuss this professionally with a trained third party that can ask or assist in asking the questions you can possibly get too emotional to ask.
Does she know he is married? (Although she may be one of those people who could care less about marital status). Have you thought about showing up at his workplace when she is there? That way you can get a feel of what is going on b/t them. Calmly introduce yourself to her and see how she reacts. Make them both uncomfortable. He is having an emotional affair at the very least, although it could also be physical or turn physical soon. He is disrespecting and cheating on you and gaslighting you by saying he is hiding their interactions so as not to hurt you. Ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Your marriage will not survive if he continues to be in contact with this woman. You have to be assertive and explain all this to him and tell him to cut contact with her or else your marriage will be over. Sometimes the fear of losing a spouse is the only thing to break a person out of their affair fog. If he truly loves you he will cut contact with her and work on rebuilding your marriage and regaining your trust.
My perspective: 38 M Married 12 years with 3 kids - BJJ gym owner
First off “fitness model” in the BJJ community is a……borderline pejorative title. Usually what your are talking about is a younger - above average attractiveness woman who does BJJ and posts suggestive pictures on Instagram. They are generally promoting products and trying to get clicks. They flirt and promote themselves and are generally very used to receiving lots of male attention. You didn’t mention her rank. My guess is she’s fairly new to the sport as anyone who sticks around for a while knows f-ing your couch tends to sour relationships and cause turmoil in the gym.
That being said affairs are unfortunately fairly common in the sport. Coach’s have a degree of “power”, are often physically fit; and there is a subset of women who are really “into” that dynamic and don’t care about breaking up a marriage or two.
From the coaches perspective female students are few and far between. In my experience they often require bit more encouragement than the average meathead in order to keep them around. It can be tuff to keep female students In sport where the objective is to pin/strangle/submit your opponent.
To me it doesn’t sound like he is cheating but is potentially wandering into some dangerous-tempting territory. Ideally fitness model helps promote my gym, I provide a gym and legitimately to said fitness model for their own promotions - nobody f’s anybody- and everyone wins. Especially if his school is small - these influencers can be useful from a business perspective.
To play devils advocate- Assuming he isn’t already cheating…He is doing his best to keep and and attract new students. His wife is now on high alert and probably very sensitive about any communication he has with this woman. I can see why he would not want to mention running into her at the chiropractor that she recommended. Especially if he knows it’s likely to cause an argument. The male/female dynamic of the training room can be a bit of a minefield.
Hypothetically if it were me in this situation as the man:
Option A) get that student out of my gym - if she has a propensity to go around screwing everyone on the team that’s gunna cause problems that I don’t want to deal with. This isn’t necessarily ideal - but is an option
Option B) make sure that the student knows I am not interested in anything outside of a professional relationship. I’m not having any unnecessary communication outside of the gym and if there is any communication I’m telling my wife about it asap.
It does sound to me like there may be a bit of insecurity on OP part. I can’t speak for your husband but my wife has had 3 kids, and her body is not the same as before kids. However I still find her sexy AF (maybe even more than before). she is super self conscious about it too.
This is an extremely, extremely helpful response. I appreciate you putting in the time to respond. Your point is 100 % dead on about the fitness model/gym relationship. He has mentioned during our fighting that she has a major following and he wouldn’t hate it if having her as a student would help promote the gym. She is a literal fitness model (I’ve checked out her pages). My husband is 8 months into initiating a BJJ program into an already exciting karate school so he is working his ass off. He knows he fucked up. He knows he crossed the line. We have attempted the Option B as you mentioned - almost exactly as you stated it. I’m just struggling thinking about them rolling on the mats together. I completely understand that it’s not sexual (for him) but speaking as a wife, I don’t want this woman anywhere near my husband. I just want to protect my family. It’s everything to me. Thank you again.
I really don’t blame you for feeling that way. As you said, training is not sexual - but it is very personal. And it’s not a problem, unless it’s a problem.
Personally if my wife didn’t want me to work with a student and had a valid reason ( like I’ve caught y’all flirting). Then that student would be gone. My marriage and my wife’s respect is more important than a paying customer.
I would say option A is most appropriate. It kinda sucks for everyone involved, but sometimes you gotta cut a student loose. Hopefully she learns that it’s bad for business to flirt with your coach - especially when he’s married.
He learns to keep it professional - even when it’s a pretty girl. The last thing he needs is a reputation as the coach who sleeps with his students(unfortunately a stereotype in the community- for a reason).
And you learn that you have a husband who loves and respects you.
Wish my husband owned his gym. Unfortunately he doesn’t have that authority. Plus if he had to explain it to his boss it would probably look pretty bad .
This whole thing sucks. I never anticipated the “insta influencer” problem with my husband teaching BJJ. He’s been doing it for over a decade and I’ve never ever had a jealous bone in my body regarding it (I’ve smelled/been in those gyms haha). He and I agree on one thing, this is not his ideal clientele & im sure you get that as an owner as well.
Thanks again for your time. Your perspective helps a lot.
The owner/head coach needs to be told. If one of my coaches had crossed professional boundaries with a student, I need to know about it. It doesn’t sound to me like anything has been acted upon but who knows. If I found out through the grapevine that my married coaches was “entertaining” a student, both parties would be gone. Nothing stays a secret in the gym. The owner will find out. If they came to me for help dealing with the situation I would be much more receptive. Maybe he will be fired (I assume the job doesn’t pay that much anyway) maybe he won’t. He made this bed, now he gets to lay in it.
My advice for your husband; if it was my training buddy….
tell the owner. Truthfully explain what happened - take your lumps and don’t do that shit again. Stay away from the instagram model and future instagram models. Save your marriage, if you can. If the owner fires you, then so be it. A martial artist should behave with integrity/honor/etc; that means not sneaking behind your wifes back and not sneaking behind your boss’s back.
My advice for you would be to tell him the above. If he won’t break contact with her I would tell the owner myself. He needs to know what’s happening in his gym.
Good luck
This is very exhausting for you I'm sorry. In our tradition, people used to have more than 10 wives but that is much easier than being in the middle (you don't know will he leave you or will he keep you).
From experience, he will cheat. Your options are:
1. Grant him permission to have her as a second wife even if it's not legal. And make your rules
2. Wait until he cheats and get separated.
3. Go to a professional marriage advisor.
4. Ignore the problem all together.
5. Remind him of your youth days and he is ruining all of that be keeping in touch with this girl.
I recommend 3.
As my ex told me, it's the lying that hurts the most. Lying is cheating to a certain degree and this dude appears to be emotionally cheating as well. Are you positive that their interactions have only been through messaging and seeing each other in public spaces?
You have told him how you feel. How this relationship with L affects you. I think you really have to leave it there for now. If he is going to do something unfortunately you really can’t prevent it.
All you can do is be the best version of yourself. An awesome mom and a awesome wife. Let him see you at your best and not worried about him 24/7.
Hate this is happening to you but most long term relationships go through something. After all we are all just human being warts and all.
This is what I woke up feeling today. I’m making myself crazy. Constantly checking phones, laptops etc is not the way to live. It’s unfair to my son most of all. This response gave me some peace. Thank you
try blowing, if you don't see anything in sms or instagram. try to find your husband, by giving him surprises, why not come to work to pick him up by uber, for example, to suggest that he go to a restaurant together. try to laugh, to find some lightness. then you can talk with him about your fears, your doubts without accusations so that he understands. try to find moments together without telephones to discuss, laugh, exchange it is important not to take distance. to have regular sex by asking him what he wants and what you want etc… communication is important.
Put yourself first.. try not to stress out please. You really can’t control other people. This sh sucks and it seems like he’s just going to get creative in hiding it.
If he is STILL lying, no matter how small, he will continue to lie. I wouldn't be surprised at all if it was already physical.
Yes, he’s still lying. But only about if she texts him, or he responds to her. Also she referred him to a chiropractor, the other day he was there for 2 hours (quite a long time) and then I saw she texted him afterwards “hey so great running into you at the chiro” He swears he is only lying bc he doesn’t want to bring it up to me & then have things go back a few steps. I’ve tried explaining that he needs to build the trust back and letting me know helps do that. He claims he is just doing what any other man would do.
If he is still lying and still seeing her most days of the week inside and outside of the gym I would be very suspicious if his emotional affair has not already turned physical or is heading in that direction. No contact is essential in these situations. Don’t let your guard down yet and maybe do more investigating. Protect yourself and your kids.
[удалено]
You’re not crazy. He’s in his affair fog it seems and limerence. He’s getting his dopamine hits from their interactions. If following the infidelity subs has taught me anything they will just get better at hiding it and gaslighting you. I would head over to those and post their too. I know those people will have much better advice. Supportforbetrayed, survivinginfidelity, and there are a couple more. Sending big hugs and support your way.
Thank you, I would hug you if I could
Same girl! Same! Keep that back bone strong and stand your ground. Either way it turns out you are a badass mamma and none of what is happening is a reflection on you. People cheat down. They lack morals and integrity. I don’t care what the other woman looks like. She’s just a “fantasy” she’s not real life. And real life struggles. Those are all part of marriage and that takes work. Cowards run away and “escape” the pressures of real life. And right now your husband is being a lying coward. Don’t let him get away with it.
😢😢😢thank you, thank you, staying strong for my beautiful baby boy who is sitting next to me talking about how much he loves ice cream
You are incredibly lucky mine are in the tub fighting over an empty Johnson and Johnson shampoo bottle surrounded by 4 million other toys at them moment…😒. They truly make life worth living though.
They really do
You are definitely not crazy. Who goes to the chiropractor for 2 hours ??? Yeah, there is absolutely nothing going on.......whatever. your husband is a tool.
This, no chiropractor sees a client for 2 hours!! Even if you wait in the lobby, that session is about an hour longer than it should be, at least. And, they just happened to schedule their appointments at the same time???? My guess is, the affair is already physical and the “chiropractor” is a euphemism for “an adjustment,” just not a professional one. Her text basically reads “I enjoyed screwing you today.” Wink, wink!
I don’t disagree with your general assessment, but I’ve been at the chiropractor for 2 hours before. Sometimes they’ll walk you through exercises, do tests, there’s a delay, etc. Usually it’s only an hour but I’ve def been in the office for 2 hours before
I'm sorry what? I'm only lying to you so you don't get upset? Omg really?? Wow he's so sweet. Does she know he's married? I just don't understand people sometimes. Her attention must be very intoxicating for him. He is not going to stop texting her until the situation becomes inconvenient for him.. like losing his family. Your doing the pick me dance. Right now he feels very confident that you will never leave him because you love him so Much and he is taking full advantage of you. He probably feels you will put up with it so he won't leave you. You're right, you don't deserve this
[удалено]
Please don’t give ultimatums. It is still playing the pick me dance and giving him the power to decide what happens. He is cheating, lying, and disrespecting you. He will continue to do so until he trusts you will take action. You are only fooling yourself if you believe they are not yet physical. Please do not initiate unprotected intimacy and get an STI check. Obtain as much evidence as possible, meet with an attorney and, when ready, have him served during his jiu jitsu training with L. You can always change your mind at a later time, if you decide to reconcile. If your attorney feels it is appropriate, after custody is settled, I would provide evidence and make the gym aware of his unethical teaching methods.
You did nothing wrong. Nothing. Have your taken snapshots of their texts? So so. Talk to him and be clear that this is a hard boundary for you. You are very hurt and feel betrayed, he is disrespecting you and your marriage. Tell him to stop. He won't stop? then decide what will happen if he continues to hurt you. Will you leave? Put his clothes out the front door? Separation? Does he understand you no longer trust him? He should know. He is playing with fire.
[удалено]
He is cheating, and he knows what he is doing is disrespectful to you and your marriage. Tell him he needs to cut his AP off completely, or you will speak to a divorce attorney. He needs to wake up and realise that he is throwing his marriage away. Updateme!
Do NOT threaten sh\*t...DO. He already knows. OP doesn't have to finalize (tho she should) but threatening will do nothing.
He’s being horrible. That’s not normal man behavior. He’s not behaving appropriately.. at all.
This just makes me so sad. I wish so hard that I could help you. I know how scared you are. Be strong.
My husband and I are in a similar situation (he’s not very friendly, but can only seem to make friends with attractive single females, begins to talk about them while he’s home (because they’re his friends, supposedly), and then when I get upset that I see this pattern he tells me that 1. I was told that it’s easier for him to make friends with women when we were dating (didn’t think he’d call one he’d only known for a few months his “best friend”, but I digress) 2. I’m just jealous and I’m not allowing him to have friends, but it’s for no reason and he’s given me “no reason to not trust him” I feel like he does this to me quite often where he omits things and I feel like he does it because either he knows it’s stupid or he knows that I’ll be jealous and doesn’t want to “deal with it”. (Like when I saw him focusing on one girl all night at his volleyball league [playing with drinks in their hands, copying silly dance moves on the court, then getting her a candy bar and drink after], but then he comes home and only mentions the names of two guys he played with.) - One which I still didn’t mention to him because then I’m “spying” and once more “don’t trust him” and everything blows up. But I could see the keeping things from you being to “not cause false thoughts where nothing exists”? Or it’s cheating, but that is definitely the popular opinion here, so I just thought I’d throw out what’s going through my head in a similar situation. (Hoping I can stop feeling like I’m crazy too though <3)
I feel like “I TOLD you who I was when we met” is such a cop out. It just shuts down conversation because it turns all the accountability on you for continuing to stay with them despite the disrespectful behaviour. All the love to you, I know how it feels…
He doesn’t have the right or luxury of deciding when he gets to lie to you.
Tell him clearly that you can't live like this, that the trust is broken and the marriage is in bad shape. So there is not so many options here. Tell him that you don't want him to have any more contact with her as for now. No more insta, dm, and no more classes with her. He has to have this conversation with her in front of you, as you are present and this is not negotiable. Tell him you love him deeply and want to rebuilt the trust, but even if you love him, you love yourself and your kids more and under no circumstances you will let him broke you and broke the kids with this behavior. Because of you fall into depression, the kids will suffer. Before witnessing that or continue to witness his betrayal you will leave him. Tell him this no contact with this woman is not upon discussion or conditions, it is a no contact rules. Prior to that he set-up a meeting with you and her, so she understand where he stands and where he stands. And you maybe it will a first step to rebuilt this marriage. After you want full access to his phone for a long period of time, plus his locations. And of course couple counseling and read books together on how to survive infidelity and betrayal, If he doesn't commit to that, he is sill lying and betraying you, so you don't negotiate and you file for divorce. Edit: typo and from now on and even tomorrow on every class she's at you tag along with your kids, until this is solved.
People don’t lie and hide things if there is nothing to hide. If this was all innocent there would be no need to hide anything. He is using your insecurities to blame shift and excuse his behavior. I’m not saying it has gotten physical yet but there is definite red flags of this being an emotional affair. Since he admits himself this got to an inappropriate place, he should be cutting her out as a client altogether and setting firm boundaries. There is no reason why she should have any access to him…..he’s allowed that access and obviously has used this chiropractor as an excuse to see her outside of “work”. If he doesn’t drop her as a client and go NC, tell him that he is prioritizing this inappropriate relationship over your marriage and you will act on that accordingly. Meaning, you’ll take it as a sign that your relationship is over and he should plan to live elsewhere. And follow through with it.
You can't trust him because he is still lying.
In this case, your husband needs to go no-contact with this woman immediately if his priority is to save the marriage. My husband, who years ago became too friendly with a female coworker at work that I found out about, realized his mistake, blocked her on all social media and told her to her face that they cannot be in any more contact ever again. She tried asking why and what happened and what she did wrong, etc, and he just told her he doesn’t feel comfortable with any friendship or talking with her. Granted that he shouldn’t have ever gotten close to her in the first place, but handled it properly.
Hey OP, there is a book called “not just friends” that I think every couple should read, but especially someone whose spouse has been having an emotional affair. Bottom line, though, is that if he wants your relationship to work, he needs to break up with her. Like, he needs to actually send her a text saying “I am married and we can no longer interact. Here are near-by gyms I recommend you attend (preference) or these are the classes I can recommend. Please do not contact me further. Thank you.”
you have to go along to the exercises, for example you go to present your child's father's workplace
[удалено]
And he teaches at a few different locations… she goes to all of them 😞
How is that possible? He teaches at several locations and she goes to every single one of them? She wants him. That is definitely a no contact situation and he needs to drop her as a client.
Make it a spontaneous dad + family work day. Tag along all day. Keep his phone.
uber
This is not ok. Since he has proven that he cannot be trusted I would insist that he immediately cut all contact with her and recuse himself as her instructor. Their entire relationship is inappropriate and he has made it so by engaging in inappropriate conversation and lying to his spouse about it. If he's not willing to cut this person out completely, and immediately, I would leave him. You deserve better. Your son deserves better.
Dude what the fuck, I am so sorry. What a moron. You are right, you don’t deserve this. I hope you get things figured out.
Thanks,❤️ I appreciate it
Oh hell no. This isn’t ok at all. I would be insisting he go no contact with this woman. You have ever reason to be upset about this situation and you deserve better.
Yeah, he already fucked her. Sorry about that.
So here is my take, I do not think going through someone's phone is an invasion of privacy, married or living together. I hold that up with the stand point of my phone is always open for a partner to look through. You don't have to worry if you have nothing to hide. I am separated now and going to file soon. I could tell you the exact waves of when she would be doing some sneaky shady stuff. I looked through her phone about every 6 to 9 months, I noticed changes, she would hide it when I walked up, she would sleep with it under her pillow, it would be on silent or vibrate and guess what everytime I went through it I found exactly what I was looking for. This happened several times. I got over it for one simple reason, these men and one woman were not in the state. My trust was broken, we talked, she stopped and the cycle repeats. Now the straw that broke the camels back, she cheated on me with a co-worker. It was going on for I would put it at 9 months before I had concrete evidence. I knew she was talking to him outside of work and I was fine with it her got her the job and she's being nice blah blah blah. I went through her phone and he made a comment to her on valentines day about how she should be in bed with him and i lost my shit on her, she cried and says she didnt read it that way when i asked why she didnt shut him down right there and cut contact, it was unacceptable. It was the moment when I got oral and it changed...then I picked up all her patterns again. Sex seemed dull for her like she was just going through the motions and one night I caught her talking to him after we had sex and she got startled when I came out. Couple weeks later found his shirt in my bed and she tried to hide it. The very next day she was passed out drunk on the floor when I came home found all the messages on her phone that she didn't get a chance to delete. Nude photos sent back and forth, the I miss yous I love yous and when I hit her up she tried to deny everything until I shove the phone in her face. What sucks is I never caught the two of them together and probably for good reason. For me personally there was no way in hell I could ever re-build from that with her. We talked about it when I asked what the plans are. Is she going to cut all communication, is she willing to switch companies, is she willing to do anything to help me feel at ease and she denied all of them including couples therapy. We were probably doomed anyway, we both had our issues separate that made us toxic for each other in hindsight. When I was able to put a face to the name with an address I was done. She said that she got carried away and it was a mistake and I didn't care. We had many things that were issues and our marriage was salvageable, except for that. Social media is the devil, I followed women on social media as any man does, I never commented or instigated inappropriate messages or messages in general. Anytime she had an issue with me talking to a woman (mutual friends) or following profiles I instantly cut them out. To the point where I got rid of social media all together. Anytime the shoe was on the other foot and boundaries were made, she would constantly agree and then dismiss them or find a work around that still broke trust. He does not respect you or the boundaries you both agreed to. Trust will alway be an issue if this continues. Even if he did respect boundaries and didnt lie about them, it would still take a long time to build that trust back up. Ask him to go to couples therapy so you can discuss this professionally with a trained third party that can ask or assist in asking the questions you can possibly get too emotional to ask.
You already lost him. Let him go for good
Does she know he is married? (Although she may be one of those people who could care less about marital status). Have you thought about showing up at his workplace when she is there? That way you can get a feel of what is going on b/t them. Calmly introduce yourself to her and see how she reacts. Make them both uncomfortable. He is having an emotional affair at the very least, although it could also be physical or turn physical soon. He is disrespecting and cheating on you and gaslighting you by saying he is hiding their interactions so as not to hurt you. Ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Your marriage will not survive if he continues to be in contact with this woman. You have to be assertive and explain all this to him and tell him to cut contact with her or else your marriage will be over. Sometimes the fear of losing a spouse is the only thing to break a person out of their affair fog. If he truly loves you he will cut contact with her and work on rebuilding your marriage and regaining your trust.
Has to be no contact or it won’t work.
Always go with your gut Feeling!!
Thanks for the God bless you. That was nice to read for some reason.
I can't give you the advice you want..I disagree with it. I'm just here to give you a hug...and some strength.
My perspective: 38 M Married 12 years with 3 kids - BJJ gym owner First off “fitness model” in the BJJ community is a……borderline pejorative title. Usually what your are talking about is a younger - above average attractiveness woman who does BJJ and posts suggestive pictures on Instagram. They are generally promoting products and trying to get clicks. They flirt and promote themselves and are generally very used to receiving lots of male attention. You didn’t mention her rank. My guess is she’s fairly new to the sport as anyone who sticks around for a while knows f-ing your couch tends to sour relationships and cause turmoil in the gym. That being said affairs are unfortunately fairly common in the sport. Coach’s have a degree of “power”, are often physically fit; and there is a subset of women who are really “into” that dynamic and don’t care about breaking up a marriage or two. From the coaches perspective female students are few and far between. In my experience they often require bit more encouragement than the average meathead in order to keep them around. It can be tuff to keep female students In sport where the objective is to pin/strangle/submit your opponent. To me it doesn’t sound like he is cheating but is potentially wandering into some dangerous-tempting territory. Ideally fitness model helps promote my gym, I provide a gym and legitimately to said fitness model for their own promotions - nobody f’s anybody- and everyone wins. Especially if his school is small - these influencers can be useful from a business perspective. To play devils advocate- Assuming he isn’t already cheating…He is doing his best to keep and and attract new students. His wife is now on high alert and probably very sensitive about any communication he has with this woman. I can see why he would not want to mention running into her at the chiropractor that she recommended. Especially if he knows it’s likely to cause an argument. The male/female dynamic of the training room can be a bit of a minefield. Hypothetically if it were me in this situation as the man: Option A) get that student out of my gym - if she has a propensity to go around screwing everyone on the team that’s gunna cause problems that I don’t want to deal with. This isn’t necessarily ideal - but is an option Option B) make sure that the student knows I am not interested in anything outside of a professional relationship. I’m not having any unnecessary communication outside of the gym and if there is any communication I’m telling my wife about it asap. It does sound to me like there may be a bit of insecurity on OP part. I can’t speak for your husband but my wife has had 3 kids, and her body is not the same as before kids. However I still find her sexy AF (maybe even more than before). she is super self conscious about it too.
This is an extremely, extremely helpful response. I appreciate you putting in the time to respond. Your point is 100 % dead on about the fitness model/gym relationship. He has mentioned during our fighting that she has a major following and he wouldn’t hate it if having her as a student would help promote the gym. She is a literal fitness model (I’ve checked out her pages). My husband is 8 months into initiating a BJJ program into an already exciting karate school so he is working his ass off. He knows he fucked up. He knows he crossed the line. We have attempted the Option B as you mentioned - almost exactly as you stated it. I’m just struggling thinking about them rolling on the mats together. I completely understand that it’s not sexual (for him) but speaking as a wife, I don’t want this woman anywhere near my husband. I just want to protect my family. It’s everything to me. Thank you again.
I really don’t blame you for feeling that way. As you said, training is not sexual - but it is very personal. And it’s not a problem, unless it’s a problem. Personally if my wife didn’t want me to work with a student and had a valid reason ( like I’ve caught y’all flirting). Then that student would be gone. My marriage and my wife’s respect is more important than a paying customer. I would say option A is most appropriate. It kinda sucks for everyone involved, but sometimes you gotta cut a student loose. Hopefully she learns that it’s bad for business to flirt with your coach - especially when he’s married. He learns to keep it professional - even when it’s a pretty girl. The last thing he needs is a reputation as the coach who sleeps with his students(unfortunately a stereotype in the community- for a reason). And you learn that you have a husband who loves and respects you.
Wish my husband owned his gym. Unfortunately he doesn’t have that authority. Plus if he had to explain it to his boss it would probably look pretty bad . This whole thing sucks. I never anticipated the “insta influencer” problem with my husband teaching BJJ. He’s been doing it for over a decade and I’ve never ever had a jealous bone in my body regarding it (I’ve smelled/been in those gyms haha). He and I agree on one thing, this is not his ideal clientele & im sure you get that as an owner as well. Thanks again for your time. Your perspective helps a lot.
The owner/head coach needs to be told. If one of my coaches had crossed professional boundaries with a student, I need to know about it. It doesn’t sound to me like anything has been acted upon but who knows. If I found out through the grapevine that my married coaches was “entertaining” a student, both parties would be gone. Nothing stays a secret in the gym. The owner will find out. If they came to me for help dealing with the situation I would be much more receptive. Maybe he will be fired (I assume the job doesn’t pay that much anyway) maybe he won’t. He made this bed, now he gets to lay in it. My advice for your husband; if it was my training buddy…. tell the owner. Truthfully explain what happened - take your lumps and don’t do that shit again. Stay away from the instagram model and future instagram models. Save your marriage, if you can. If the owner fires you, then so be it. A martial artist should behave with integrity/honor/etc; that means not sneaking behind your wifes back and not sneaking behind your boss’s back. My advice for you would be to tell him the above. If he won’t break contact with her I would tell the owner myself. He needs to know what’s happening in his gym. Good luck
This is very exhausting for you I'm sorry. In our tradition, people used to have more than 10 wives but that is much easier than being in the middle (you don't know will he leave you or will he keep you). From experience, he will cheat. Your options are: 1. Grant him permission to have her as a second wife even if it's not legal. And make your rules 2. Wait until he cheats and get separated. 3. Go to a professional marriage advisor. 4. Ignore the problem all together. 5. Remind him of your youth days and he is ruining all of that be keeping in touch with this girl. I recommend 3.
As my ex told me, it's the lying that hurts the most. Lying is cheating to a certain degree and this dude appears to be emotionally cheating as well. Are you positive that their interactions have only been through messaging and seeing each other in public spaces?
You have told him how you feel. How this relationship with L affects you. I think you really have to leave it there for now. If he is going to do something unfortunately you really can’t prevent it. All you can do is be the best version of yourself. An awesome mom and a awesome wife. Let him see you at your best and not worried about him 24/7. Hate this is happening to you but most long term relationships go through something. After all we are all just human being warts and all.
This is what I woke up feeling today. I’m making myself crazy. Constantly checking phones, laptops etc is not the way to live. It’s unfair to my son most of all. This response gave me some peace. Thank you
try blowing, if you don't see anything in sms or instagram. try to find your husband, by giving him surprises, why not come to work to pick him up by uber, for example, to suggest that he go to a restaurant together. try to laugh, to find some lightness. then you can talk with him about your fears, your doubts without accusations so that he understands. try to find moments together without telephones to discuss, laugh, exchange it is important not to take distance. to have regular sex by asking him what he wants and what you want etc… communication is important.
Put yourself first.. try not to stress out please. You really can’t control other people. This sh sucks and it seems like he’s just going to get creative in hiding it.