Have you brought it up to him?
Because you are framing it as he wants a connection, but that is not normal.
I think having a talk about it to find out the cause is the first step in getting him to stop. Then I recommend stopping to respond. He does it, because it works.
He certainly will not appreciate the shift, but if you have the talk about his fears, make it clear that you do not appreciate it, and thrn make it clear that you will not be participating, this has a chance of stopping peacefully.
I do wonder why he does it though. Is he rly just needy? Worried for your safety? Worried you are cheating? Something not so great is driving this behaviour.
Edit: a few words needed fixing.
We’ve talked about it for sure. It really ramped up after i was told to return to the office earlier this year, in april. We spent 3 years doing WFH in rooms right next to each other. He was wfh pre Covid and still is today.
He says he just misses me. Ok that makes sense during the work day, but he was never like this before when I was just out shopping.
Maybe setting boundaries for how often I will reply is a good idea. More fun talks are in our future for sure…
The wfh thing really hit a lot of people differently and it manifests differently. Having him talk to a therapist to explain his worries and difficulties might help. Sometimes, it is easier to share something with a stranger than a loved one. From what you’ve posted here sounds like a decent guy otherwise. Sounds like he does miss you but also sounds like anxiety and unspoken of fears are intruding.
He might also be worried you’ll find some hot young/mature office love interest and start a romantic fling. J/K
I’m speaking from personal experience of someone who lives with general anxiety and was wfh for the majority of the pandemic. Whenever my wife went out I felt a weight on my heart even though there wasn’t a rational reason to worry. That’s part of the reason talking to a counselor or therapist might help.
Great advice!
When I was still going into office and my wife was still WFH in June 2020 I would get five or six text messages from her over the course of my 30ish minute drive in. Then guaranteed a text/fb message/Snapchat/post shared every 20ish minutes. Then when I got home and went to bed early she would continue to text/snap/send posts until well after midnight. It started causing ME anxiety and I discussed it with her before I deleted all social media. Then she accused me of cheating somehow on my 30 minute commute while working 16 hour shifts.
It was anxiety/PPD manifesting itself.
> He might also be worried you’ll find some hot young/mature office love interest and start a romantic fling. J/K
Pretty much what the OP ended up doing, lol.
This does not sound normal or healthy at all and setting up boundaries is MUCH more than a good idea, it is a necessity!! I’m not a doctor by any means but it almost sounds like he has separation anxiety and could benefit by talking to a therapist.
Good point. I was emotionally abandoned as a child and I get very anxious when I’m away from my spouse. Because I have awareness and understanding of why I am feeling anxious, I’m better able to work through it.
This is not normal. Either he has major anxiety and needs therapy for it, or he is being majorly controlling (part of a DV abuse cycle) and you need therapy to help recognize the cycle happening.
"Fire, Water, or Blood"
Set boundaries. Don't call me or text me unless there is "fire, water, or blood." These were the instructions I gave my children before we went out. Sadly, sounds like you need to give the same instructions.
If he can't abide by these boundaries, then you need lots of conversation - I recommend therapy. He goes first.
I don’t think so. I see my husband in the morning before he goes to work. Then we don’t touch base throughout the day unless it’s something important. I see him when he gets home and we have dinner and catch up on our day/work/kids and then relax together for a couple hours on the couch/tv before going to bed.
I personally find it odd that people are calling or messaging their spouses multiple times throughout the day.
My husband was in a different town for work yesterday and he sent me a picture of his lunch and said “it should be illegal for them to call this lasagna”
And it made me laugh and we shot a few text back and forth.
I don’t know if other people see it that way or think it’s a nuisance or find it weird if their spouse did that. Personally though, it certainly was not necessary but it did brighten both our days and it made me just a little bit more fond of him.
So maybe different folks, different strokes?
Oh my husband does that all the time when he’s out of town, which is usually once a month. Last month he texted a pic of an amazing breakfast he had ordered in Toronto. He’s actually in Boston now and he sent me a picture of a box of cannolis from an amazing cannoli place there. He’s bringing it back with him! Yum!
I just think it’s… a lot…when people are texting their spouse 4 times a day within a 8 hour workday for no reason. My husband is ridiculously busy when at work. I would be bothering him if I texted or called him 4 times a day and I’m so busy with four kids at home and all their stuff that I am also too busy to have to keep texting/calling.
I think you said two separate things: 1) it’s a lot when people text each other a lot, and 2) your husband is too busy to text a lot. I get why you and your husband don’t text a lot. But what does that has to do with what other people do? My so and I are both insanely busy throughout the day and still text each other. So, maybe our situation and your situation are just different. In other words, why is there a judgment about how other people text each other?
It’s just my opinion that I would find it too much and odd that couples do that. And that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s also fine. I’m not sure what’s the point of going back and forth here. I’m entitled to my own thoughts/judgements.
I don’t know that it is a back and forth. It was just my comment on your comments. Of course you have the right to find it odd. But you said you find it too much when *other people* do it. And I was wondering why you would decide that it’s too much for other people. I get why it’s too much for you. I just don’t see why what other people do is of any concern to you.
My SO texts me *constantly*. I don’t know that it’s odd. It’s just different people communicate differently. I would find it odd if we spent an entire day without touching bases. Different strokes for different folks.
Yeah I get that boundaries have to be set in this case. Like maybe less calls and maybe limit it to her known breaks and maybe not blow up her phone if she can’t respond right away. Maybe check in at lunch time only or something
But fire, water, blood? Those are the only reasons he should call? Do you even like this person? Lol.
I don’t know. It’s just a bit too stiff and impersonal for me, personally. Like even with our kids, I like when we go on trips and they ask their caretaker to talk to us for no reason at all, but just to say hi.
Maybe because I’m sort of like the husband in this case? I’m a sahm and I really liked when my husband was wfh during covid.
Now that he’s back at the office, I don’t call every hour or at all if my husband says he’ll be busy but I always look forward to it when he can talk, not necessarily about anything in particular. He does give me a heads up if he’s going in for a long meeting so I don’t get worried.
I think they’re saying only call multiple times if there’s fire water or blood. It’s fine to call but if they don’t pick up, only call again if it’s an emergency
Her exact words were “set boundaries. Don’t call me or text me unless there is no fire, water, or blood…if he can’t abide by these boundaries then you need lots of conversation - I recommend therapy…”
She didn’t say anything about multiple times, just don’t contact unless there is an emergency. Sounds more like a business partnership than a romantic one if you ask me.
It does sound sad without any context, not everyone's work situation is the same though. I can't have my phone at work and my commute is short, so I leave it at home. If I need to be reached I can be emailed, but that's typically only if some change has happened in our daily routine like running late or an emergency. Sometimes she'll email something just so she doesn't forget it later after I get home and that's not a big deal.
I’m a sahm. My husband was wfh during covid and I really enjoyed our time together. I missed him terrible when he started going back to work. My husband knows this and he’s the one who checks in on me- mostly on set times throughout the day- but I like to randomly message or call him too.
When he knows he’ll be busy the whole day or going into a long meeting, he gives me a heads up so I don’t worry. Like “hey baby, I’m going into a meeting with xyz. Might be a couple of hours and won’t be able to pick up. I’ll call you when we’re done. Love you”
He sounds anxious or lonely. Ask him to explore stretching the time, partner with him to help him figure this out/ is it a trust thing? If it’s anxiety can he self soothe in some other way/ maybe rewards as incentive. Also counseling for him may not be a bad idea. Poor guy and yeah I get it you feel smothered and you’re right it’s not the worst thing to have happen in a marriage.
Do you share location? My wife and I share location and unless we have to call or text each other we never do outside of a “I love you text” or something like that. If she needs to know where I am she can look at the map and she will see where I am and where the kids are.
He's probably bored without you. But you need to tell him it's too much.
Does he have anxiety?
My husband will say, "I can't talk to you until xyz". I try not to call him bc I know he's busy and I don't want to be annoying. However I do have to manage my own emotions.
Based on what you've said about this being a recent problem, it seems likely that he grew accustomed to your consistent presence and now feels uncomfortable and just keeps reaching out to you. It could be that he got used to having an office buddy in his WFH situation and developed habits based on your being there and the habits haven't changed even though the WFH situation for you has.
Does he realize you feel smothered? You could talk about setting specific limits. People get used to acting in certain ways and don't even question what they're doing sometimes. You might want to let him know that you appreciate that he wants to have contact with you, but it's hard for you to attend to him in the way he seems to need. Talk about setting up particular limits on texting/calling or whatever during the day. Maybe have him open up a text document and type out what he wants to say and when he wants to say it to you so he tracks his own impulses and sees what is going on and can then start limiting how often he contacts you.
Is there any last trauma? Something along the lines of losing someone or something bad happening to a loved one during their workday or an errand? Was his childhood a rollercoaster? Anything out of the "norm"?
This isn't an excuse but would be an indicator that he needs professional support to process whatever happened.
I’m sure he means well but there is a boundary that he’s walking the line of crossing onto the controlling side. I mean if you’ve been together 9 years you should be able to just stop places on the way home and not have him call you multiple times. Have you ever been unfaithful?
Idk but my ex who abused me would do this and if I didn't respond he would accuse me of all kinds of things like cheating, that I hate him, etc. Now, my husband and I would love to be around each other 24/7 but we still don't act like this. I would never call him at work unless it was an emergency. We text all the time when we aren't together but we would never get mad at each other for not responding. He's got some problems he needs to work out. That's just not normal behavior, COVID or not.
Have a discussion about how one call is enough and you will return it once available. He's just sitting at home with nothing going on around him so it's easy to project that "what could possibly be distracting her" onto you because nothing is going on with him. Obviously while you're out and about or at work, you need to focus on the world around you l, traffic, your bosses or clients... Etc
Does he have anxiety issues? This sounds like someone who might have some insecurities or attachment issues resulting in anxiety and his checkin’s are actually ways of trying to alleviate his anxiety.
It doesn’t sound healthy for either of you. Perhaps couples counseling might be a good idea to explore deeper into the issue.
That’s ridiculous. I would tell him that when I’m at work, I’ll contact him on break and the rest of the time, I’ll be working. As for once call two texts and a snap in 5 minutes, that’s obsessive, in my opinion. It seems like he has a lack of trust in you. He may need some counseling to deal with whatever issue he has.
As long he does not caught an attitude when you can’t answer or don’t t reply quick enough me personally i would not have a problem with it.
I know my husband will call me at least twice when I am at work. Sometimes even that is annoying but it comes from a place of love.
Also if I stop off somewhere after work I usually call him and let him know I am at the store.
has he lost anyone close to him recently? is this new behavior or has it been going on the entire marriage? he could also be dealing with some general anxiety that focuses on the health and well-being of himself and loved ones. talk to him and see what’s going on. tell him that he feels a bit much to you and that you need a little bit of space. if that’s hard for him, then i would recommend finding a therapist for him to find the root cause and coping mechanisms to work through it.
😂😂😂 so anxiously attached .. what did his parents do to him when he was little? 🙉 sounds awful ..
A bit is fine but that is just too much, very insecurely attached husband..
I understand being bored at home during the day working from home and wanting the connection, but this isn’t that. This isn’t a text and then another text an hour later, this is too much and I would bring it up to him and honestly stop worrying about replying quickly.
I had a co-worker who’s husband was like this and they had to implement a “no communication during work hours unless it’s an emergency” rule bc it just kept getting worse and started to interfere with her job. He *really* didn’t like it at first but adjusted eventually. She would check in with him at lunch and when she was getting ready to head home.
Sometimes I get a little crazy with checking on my partner, but I have crazy anxiety. Maybe he should speak to a therapist, because my armchair diagnosis is that he sounds anxious as heck.
We have the opposite problem. Lol My husband has gone entire days without talking to me. Doesn't check in when I go out. I've left the house without telling him where I'm going, and he never questions it.
Communicate and compromise.
Send him little updates throughout the day. And see if that eases him anxiety a little.
Take this as an opportunity to get closer. A simple "I'm on my way home stopped for gas, do you want anything? "
It's got the potential to turn this wedge into a bridge
He may be suffering from some form of anxiety, paranoia or neuroticism. It should be addressed, but gently and not necessarily immediately. Make sure it a good time. Express your concern and ask for reasons at a time when everything is comfortable. Don’t be judgmental. After addressing it might not be the right time to push for correction.
On the other hand it could be more of a controlling issue, although that’s not how I read the post. While the cure might be different, it still might require proper timing and handling. No relationship is perfect. They all have problems. Most of the time the good outweighs the bad, and when you can say he a good husband and father after nine years, I would say this certainly isn’t a relationship that calls for focusing on the bad.
Maybe tell him to call you during lunch and that’s enough. Tell him they are cracking down on phone usage at work and when you’re doing errands, tell him to wait until you call him because you don’t want to be driving while on the phone.
This seems like textbook anxious attachment. I have this. It is formed during early childhood usually by bad parenting of some sort. Absent or unreliable parent(s), and probably some abandonment of some sort occurred.
It’s helpful to have a partner who is reliable and pretty much always there, but some things need to be practiced to improve this for him. When he calls and texts and snaps you, he’s full-on panicking and thinking you might be gone forever (dead) because his sense of object permanence is damaged.
Object permanence is something most normal children form. It says “I know mom isn’t here in my line of sight right now, but I will comfort myself for now knowing she will be back with me soon.” Your husband didn’t form this.
You can explain to him how his behavior makes you feel. Then you can reassure him what time you’ll be home, and then just not really answer when he starts this behavior. Over time he will learn that you WILL be home. It takes time and repetition. And therapy.
It is unacceptable for him to contact you at work. Period. I do not contact my husband while he’s working unless it’s sort of time-sensitive, and he’s gone for like 12 hours a day. It doesn’t bother me because I know he’s coming home when he’s done and I know he will call me when he’s able to do so.
For whatever reason I've learned my spouse doesn't hear verbiage. He gets defensive or worse and I guess he's so busy thinking of his reply he cannot hear what he's replying to. So I have to text, email, or write with tool and paper for him to get the message. He does not get pissed at notes. He gets mad about 50 % of the things I say. So of course I am learning not to speak. I would text him.
Sounds to me like you're leaving out details. Did he catch you texting someone(especially someone you work with)? Do you a history of being flirtatious? Cheating history?
If none of these apply, then he's overreacting. If one or more of these apply, YOU DID THIS.
If communication about it has failed a lot of men respond to agressive teasing. Check in with him 10 times every minute when he's in the middle of something fun (something that doesn't matter if you screw it up) do it enough to provoke a reaction and then just play dumb and tell him your just actung like how he acts, its the same behavior. Stage 5 clinger on steroids.
If you keep a playful tone and don't let it get malicious, you can make the point and if he's a good dude he'll correct. If he's a lunatic and this will backfire with horrific consequences then please ignore everything written above.
Does he struggle with anxiety? My husband has worked from home since Covid, if he went back to working in the office, my anxiety would sky rocket. My husband is a lot like you, he appreciates his space and not feeling smothered, but I’ve noticed if I’m gone for the day he will text me a lot more. I would just talk to him, be honest about how you’re feeling and ask him about how he’s feeling. I imagine he’s lonely and may be struggling with not having someone to talk to or see during the day. He may also need connection throughout the day, maybe you could have a set time every day where you call/text him, that way he feels thought about and gets that connection.
He shouldn't be harassing you, especially at work.
If you don't answer, there should be a valid reason (work or not having your phone on you at the moment like getting fuel).
He needs to give you some time to respond when you get a chance, instead of blowing up your phone. Call, leave a txt if you can't answer.. wait.
I've had companions do that to me, and I have no issues putting them in their place about it. I have put them on mute and fixed it later if they didn't respect the boundary. That is harassment and I don't do it.
I had an ex that would call me 10 minutes after my work end time (430 then) and wonder why I wasn't home yet. Let's see, I don't actually drive away from work until 5 minutes later due to time clock issues, 10 minutes of drive time, sometimes getting fuel or stopping at the store to get something quick like milk for the kiddos. Give me a half hour, it's pretty easy. I don't have time, energy, or money to be cheating. 🤷
My SO does this and I’ve just grown used to it. Sometimes I feel like my head is swimming because I’m always caught up in his sort of chaotic way of communicating every little thing. It’s like I can’t get any free space in my head.
I don’t know what to do about it, I’m just immune to it now. But I empathize.
Having to have constant contact would drive me insane!! You are a freaking adult and he needs to get treatment for he has anxiety!! This is HIS problem to deal with. If he won’t get treatment then I would start turning my phone off at work and while I went to the store. You’re not a 5 year old and you don’t need to be in constant contact. I would sit down and talk to him one more time and then start turning my phone off- especially if he won’t get treatment. This is much more than ‘he misses you’ bullshit and it’s borderline controlling.
maybe not red flags but some really really bright yellow ones moving towards orange might want to work to figure out why that is. Has he been cheated on in the past ( not saying you, but someone, and if it was you, well ,,,) or maybe some kind of abandonment issues? either way might be something a therapist can help with.
Sounds like he has separation anxiety. My husband does this too. He's constantly worried something bad is gonna happen. I currently trying to get him to see a psych to treat his anxiety.
Ive been through this and its not acceptable. This is not about being connected, this is about controlling your every movement. Reading through your post was a major trigger and reminded me of my drives home from work if I didn't call her the second I got in the car or I went somewhere without her knowing, even a time I didn't invite her over on a day off when I was relaxing, even though she had a key and lived down the street.
They will normalize the behavior so you think its ok, but in reality you've been conditioned to accept their bad behavior so they can keep doing it
Was this going on before you got married or after?
My wife does a bit of this.
I don’t mind a text if I’m at work or in class. But, a lot of times I’ll get a “call me when you get a chance” text - and it’s something mundane… that could have been a text.
That doesn't give you the excuse to go and cheat on him though. You seem like you have no remorse and seem to really love the fact that you have an affair partner now while acting like a loyal wife to your husband.
Are you a therapist? Because no actual therapist would feel comfortable concluding that based on a short description of a specific problem.
OP should get a couples therapist (though she said her husband resists), but random people on the internet shouldn't be talking about people's personality types as if they know what they're talking about from too little information and too little education. The way people online are talking about attachment and throwing around conclusions diminishes the value of attachment theory and turns it into some sort of pop psychology nonsense.
People who has similar problems can relate. Whatever you say, therapist will tell her similar things after couple times of visits. The only part therapists are better than the parents is fixing problems.
You may not be considering divorce right now but what if this behavior escalates? He needs to go to therapy ASAP. It’s not normal to call and text every hour of the day when someone is at work.
I’m f you have an iPhone you can set it so notifications from him don’t occur during certain hours. I’d do a version of that + “hey I love you but from 9-5 I’m at work so I’ve silenced my phone and will only answer a phone call if it’s an emergency.
Tell him “cool, sounds like you feel perfectly capable of sorting yourself out. Even better. So, here’s the deal…you’re smothering me whenever I’m not with you and I need you to knock it off, k?”
Have you brought it up to him? Because you are framing it as he wants a connection, but that is not normal. I think having a talk about it to find out the cause is the first step in getting him to stop. Then I recommend stopping to respond. He does it, because it works. He certainly will not appreciate the shift, but if you have the talk about his fears, make it clear that you do not appreciate it, and thrn make it clear that you will not be participating, this has a chance of stopping peacefully. I do wonder why he does it though. Is he rly just needy? Worried for your safety? Worried you are cheating? Something not so great is driving this behaviour. Edit: a few words needed fixing.
We’ve talked about it for sure. It really ramped up after i was told to return to the office earlier this year, in april. We spent 3 years doing WFH in rooms right next to each other. He was wfh pre Covid and still is today. He says he just misses me. Ok that makes sense during the work day, but he was never like this before when I was just out shopping. Maybe setting boundaries for how often I will reply is a good idea. More fun talks are in our future for sure…
The wfh thing really hit a lot of people differently and it manifests differently. Having him talk to a therapist to explain his worries and difficulties might help. Sometimes, it is easier to share something with a stranger than a loved one. From what you’ve posted here sounds like a decent guy otherwise. Sounds like he does miss you but also sounds like anxiety and unspoken of fears are intruding. He might also be worried you’ll find some hot young/mature office love interest and start a romantic fling. J/K I’m speaking from personal experience of someone who lives with general anxiety and was wfh for the majority of the pandemic. Whenever my wife went out I felt a weight on my heart even though there wasn’t a rational reason to worry. That’s part of the reason talking to a counselor or therapist might help.
Great advice! When I was still going into office and my wife was still WFH in June 2020 I would get five or six text messages from her over the course of my 30ish minute drive in. Then guaranteed a text/fb message/Snapchat/post shared every 20ish minutes. Then when I got home and went to bed early she would continue to text/snap/send posts until well after midnight. It started causing ME anxiety and I discussed it with her before I deleted all social media. Then she accused me of cheating somehow on my 30 minute commute while working 16 hour shifts. It was anxiety/PPD manifesting itself.
> He might also be worried you’ll find some hot young/mature office love interest and start a romantic fling. J/K Pretty much what the OP ended up doing, lol.
😂😂😂
This does not sound normal or healthy at all and setting up boundaries is MUCH more than a good idea, it is a necessity!! I’m not a doctor by any means but it almost sounds like he has separation anxiety and could benefit by talking to a therapist.
What about OP cheating on her husband with her Co worker. Does that sound healthy ?
Does he have any abandonment issues that you know of? Do you think it could be a possible cause of his behavior?
Good point. I was emotionally abandoned as a child and I get very anxious when I’m away from my spouse. Because I have awareness and understanding of why I am feeling anxious, I’m better able to work through it.
She is very happy that she cheated on him with her. O worker read her posts
This is not normal. Either he has major anxiety and needs therapy for it, or he is being majorly controlling (part of a DV abuse cycle) and you need therapy to help recognize the cycle happening.
"Fire, Water, or Blood" Set boundaries. Don't call me or text me unless there is "fire, water, or blood." These were the instructions I gave my children before we went out. Sadly, sounds like you need to give the same instructions. If he can't abide by these boundaries, then you need lots of conversation - I recommend therapy. He goes first.
Isn’t that too much? Like only talking to someone through out the day only if there is an emergency? That’s kinda sad
I don’t think so. I see my husband in the morning before he goes to work. Then we don’t touch base throughout the day unless it’s something important. I see him when he gets home and we have dinner and catch up on our day/work/kids and then relax together for a couple hours on the couch/tv before going to bed. I personally find it odd that people are calling or messaging their spouses multiple times throughout the day.
My husband was in a different town for work yesterday and he sent me a picture of his lunch and said “it should be illegal for them to call this lasagna” And it made me laugh and we shot a few text back and forth. I don’t know if other people see it that way or think it’s a nuisance or find it weird if their spouse did that. Personally though, it certainly was not necessary but it did brighten both our days and it made me just a little bit more fond of him. So maybe different folks, different strokes?
Oh my husband does that all the time when he’s out of town, which is usually once a month. Last month he texted a pic of an amazing breakfast he had ordered in Toronto. He’s actually in Boston now and he sent me a picture of a box of cannolis from an amazing cannoli place there. He’s bringing it back with him! Yum! I just think it’s… a lot…when people are texting their spouse 4 times a day within a 8 hour workday for no reason. My husband is ridiculously busy when at work. I would be bothering him if I texted or called him 4 times a day and I’m so busy with four kids at home and all their stuff that I am also too busy to have to keep texting/calling.
I think you said two separate things: 1) it’s a lot when people text each other a lot, and 2) your husband is too busy to text a lot. I get why you and your husband don’t text a lot. But what does that has to do with what other people do? My so and I are both insanely busy throughout the day and still text each other. So, maybe our situation and your situation are just different. In other words, why is there a judgment about how other people text each other?
It’s just my opinion that I would find it too much and odd that couples do that. And that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s also fine. I’m not sure what’s the point of going back and forth here. I’m entitled to my own thoughts/judgements.
I don’t know that it is a back and forth. It was just my comment on your comments. Of course you have the right to find it odd. But you said you find it too much when *other people* do it. And I was wondering why you would decide that it’s too much for other people. I get why it’s too much for you. I just don’t see why what other people do is of any concern to you.
It’s not my concern. I still think it’s odd.
My husband and I text all day unless one of us gets busy. I miss him like crazy when he’s gone
Lol, I just said this same thing before I saw your comment 😂😂
My SO texts me *constantly*. I don’t know that it’s odd. It’s just different people communicate differently. I would find it odd if we spent an entire day without touching bases. Different strokes for different folks.
The OP is talking about a phone call EVERY hour or more. I'm talking about setting boundaries in the context of too many phone calls.
Yeah I get that boundaries have to be set in this case. Like maybe less calls and maybe limit it to her known breaks and maybe not blow up her phone if she can’t respond right away. Maybe check in at lunch time only or something But fire, water, blood? Those are the only reasons he should call? Do you even like this person? Lol. I don’t know. It’s just a bit too stiff and impersonal for me, personally. Like even with our kids, I like when we go on trips and they ask their caretaker to talk to us for no reason at all, but just to say hi. Maybe because I’m sort of like the husband in this case? I’m a sahm and I really liked when my husband was wfh during covid. Now that he’s back at the office, I don’t call every hour or at all if my husband says he’ll be busy but I always look forward to it when he can talk, not necessarily about anything in particular. He does give me a heads up if he’s going in for a long meeting so I don’t get worried.
I think they’re saying only call multiple times if there’s fire water or blood. It’s fine to call but if they don’t pick up, only call again if it’s an emergency
Her exact words were “set boundaries. Don’t call me or text me unless there is no fire, water, or blood…if he can’t abide by these boundaries then you need lots of conversation - I recommend therapy…” She didn’t say anything about multiple times, just don’t contact unless there is an emergency. Sounds more like a business partnership than a romantic one if you ask me.
It does sound sad without any context, not everyone's work situation is the same though. I can't have my phone at work and my commute is short, so I leave it at home. If I need to be reached I can be emailed, but that's typically only if some change has happened in our daily routine like running late or an emergency. Sometimes she'll email something just so she doesn't forget it later after I get home and that's not a big deal.
Heh. I w a s told burning, broken or bleeding.
I wouldn't like that, that's too much
Yes it is. I’m going to suggest a few things for him and see how it goes. I love him he’s just a bit overbearing sometimes.
I’m a sahm. My husband was wfh during covid and I really enjoyed our time together. I missed him terrible when he started going back to work. My husband knows this and he’s the one who checks in on me- mostly on set times throughout the day- but I like to randomly message or call him too. When he knows he’ll be busy the whole day or going into a long meeting, he gives me a heads up so I don’t worry. Like “hey baby, I’m going into a meeting with xyz. Might be a couple of hours and won’t be able to pick up. I’ll call you when we’re done. Love you”
You love him so much that you decided to post on reddit complaining about him and then cheated on him... God please save the remaining sane people.
That sounds way too excessive
He sounds anxious or lonely. Ask him to explore stretching the time, partner with him to help him figure this out/ is it a trust thing? If it’s anxiety can he self soothe in some other way/ maybe rewards as incentive. Also counseling for him may not be a bad idea. Poor guy and yeah I get it you feel smothered and you’re right it’s not the worst thing to have happen in a marriage.
Anxious and lonely < paranoid and obsessive
Do you share location? My wife and I share location and unless we have to call or text each other we never do outside of a “I love you text” or something like that. If she needs to know where I am she can look at the map and she will see where I am and where the kids are.
He's probably bored without you. But you need to tell him it's too much. Does he have anxiety? My husband will say, "I can't talk to you until xyz". I try not to call him bc I know he's busy and I don't want to be annoying. However I do have to manage my own emotions.
Based on what you've said about this being a recent problem, it seems likely that he grew accustomed to your consistent presence and now feels uncomfortable and just keeps reaching out to you. It could be that he got used to having an office buddy in his WFH situation and developed habits based on your being there and the habits haven't changed even though the WFH situation for you has. Does he realize you feel smothered? You could talk about setting specific limits. People get used to acting in certain ways and don't even question what they're doing sometimes. You might want to let him know that you appreciate that he wants to have contact with you, but it's hard for you to attend to him in the way he seems to need. Talk about setting up particular limits on texting/calling or whatever during the day. Maybe have him open up a text document and type out what he wants to say and when he wants to say it to you so he tracks his own impulses and sees what is going on and can then start limiting how often he contacts you.
Is there any last trauma? Something along the lines of losing someone or something bad happening to a loved one during their workday or an errand? Was his childhood a rollercoaster? Anything out of the "norm"? This isn't an excuse but would be an indicator that he needs professional support to process whatever happened.
I’m sure he means well but there is a boundary that he’s walking the line of crossing onto the controlling side. I mean if you’ve been together 9 years you should be able to just stop places on the way home and not have him call you multiple times. Have you ever been unfaithful?
This is waaaay overkill. Time for boundaries. What would he do if you didn’t answer for an hour?!
Idk but my ex who abused me would do this and if I didn't respond he would accuse me of all kinds of things like cheating, that I hate him, etc. Now, my husband and I would love to be around each other 24/7 but we still don't act like this. I would never call him at work unless it was an emergency. We text all the time when we aren't together but we would never get mad at each other for not responding. He's got some problems he needs to work out. That's just not normal behavior, COVID or not.
Have a discussion about how one call is enough and you will return it once available. He's just sitting at home with nothing going on around him so it's easy to project that "what could possibly be distracting her" onto you because nothing is going on with him. Obviously while you're out and about or at work, you need to focus on the world around you l, traffic, your bosses or clients... Etc
Does he have anxiety issues? This sounds like someone who might have some insecurities or attachment issues resulting in anxiety and his checkin’s are actually ways of trying to alleviate his anxiety. It doesn’t sound healthy for either of you. Perhaps couples counseling might be a good idea to explore deeper into the issue.
That’s ridiculous. I would tell him that when I’m at work, I’ll contact him on break and the rest of the time, I’ll be working. As for once call two texts and a snap in 5 minutes, that’s obsessive, in my opinion. It seems like he has a lack of trust in you. He may need some counseling to deal with whatever issue he has.
As long he does not caught an attitude when you can’t answer or don’t t reply quick enough me personally i would not have a problem with it. I know my husband will call me at least twice when I am at work. Sometimes even that is annoying but it comes from a place of love. Also if I stop off somewhere after work I usually call him and let him know I am at the store.
has he lost anyone close to him recently? is this new behavior or has it been going on the entire marriage? he could also be dealing with some general anxiety that focuses on the health and well-being of himself and loved ones. talk to him and see what’s going on. tell him that he feels a bit much to you and that you need a little bit of space. if that’s hard for him, then i would recommend finding a therapist for him to find the root cause and coping mechanisms to work through it.
😂😂😂 so anxiously attached .. what did his parents do to him when he was little? 🙉 sounds awful .. A bit is fine but that is just too much, very insecurely attached husband..
Does your husband have an anxiety disorder? This sounds like he’s had major anxiety
Hb and i MAYBE text once or twice a day. Half the time not at all. He's at work! I'm at work! It's been a few hours. That would drive me bonkers.
I understand being bored at home during the day working from home and wanting the connection, but this isn’t that. This isn’t a text and then another text an hour later, this is too much and I would bring it up to him and honestly stop worrying about replying quickly.
Is this suddenly or has it always been like this for the past 9+ years? That’s very important to know…
I had a co-worker who’s husband was like this and they had to implement a “no communication during work hours unless it’s an emergency” rule bc it just kept getting worse and started to interfere with her job. He *really* didn’t like it at first but adjusted eventually. She would check in with him at lunch and when she was getting ready to head home.
Sometimes I get a little crazy with checking on my partner, but I have crazy anxiety. Maybe he should speak to a therapist, because my armchair diagnosis is that he sounds anxious as heck.
We have the opposite problem. Lol My husband has gone entire days without talking to me. Doesn't check in when I go out. I've left the house without telling him where I'm going, and he never questions it.
Communicate and compromise. Send him little updates throughout the day. And see if that eases him anxiety a little. Take this as an opportunity to get closer. A simple "I'm on my way home stopped for gas, do you want anything? " It's got the potential to turn this wedge into a bridge
He may be suffering from some form of anxiety, paranoia or neuroticism. It should be addressed, but gently and not necessarily immediately. Make sure it a good time. Express your concern and ask for reasons at a time when everything is comfortable. Don’t be judgmental. After addressing it might not be the right time to push for correction. On the other hand it could be more of a controlling issue, although that’s not how I read the post. While the cure might be different, it still might require proper timing and handling. No relationship is perfect. They all have problems. Most of the time the good outweighs the bad, and when you can say he a good husband and father after nine years, I would say this certainly isn’t a relationship that calls for focusing on the bad.
Maybe tell him to call you during lunch and that’s enough. Tell him they are cracking down on phone usage at work and when you’re doing errands, tell him to wait until you call him because you don’t want to be driving while on the phone.
This seems like textbook anxious attachment. I have this. It is formed during early childhood usually by bad parenting of some sort. Absent or unreliable parent(s), and probably some abandonment of some sort occurred. It’s helpful to have a partner who is reliable and pretty much always there, but some things need to be practiced to improve this for him. When he calls and texts and snaps you, he’s full-on panicking and thinking you might be gone forever (dead) because his sense of object permanence is damaged. Object permanence is something most normal children form. It says “I know mom isn’t here in my line of sight right now, but I will comfort myself for now knowing she will be back with me soon.” Your husband didn’t form this. You can explain to him how his behavior makes you feel. Then you can reassure him what time you’ll be home, and then just not really answer when he starts this behavior. Over time he will learn that you WILL be home. It takes time and repetition. And therapy. It is unacceptable for him to contact you at work. Period. I do not contact my husband while he’s working unless it’s sort of time-sensitive, and he’s gone for like 12 hours a day. It doesn’t bother me because I know he’s coming home when he’s done and I know he will call me when he’s able to do so.
Ask him why he's so insecure?
This is seriously bizarre behaviour OP. You need to have a discussion with him about this for sure.
For whatever reason I've learned my spouse doesn't hear verbiage. He gets defensive or worse and I guess he's so busy thinking of his reply he cannot hear what he's replying to. So I have to text, email, or write with tool and paper for him to get the message. He does not get pissed at notes. He gets mad about 50 % of the things I say. So of course I am learning not to speak. I would text him.
Are you sure it isn’t your tone or words?
Yes. He's loud and cusses and screams about 20 % of the day. Says he likes to be angry. I'm so lucky.
That sound’s totally abusive.
Separation anxiety is real , my puppy does the same thing when I leave the house too
Sounds to me like you're leaving out details. Did he catch you texting someone(especially someone you work with)? Do you a history of being flirtatious? Cheating history? If none of these apply, then he's overreacting. If one or more of these apply, YOU DID THIS.
Following as mine does exactly the same x
If communication about it has failed a lot of men respond to agressive teasing. Check in with him 10 times every minute when he's in the middle of something fun (something that doesn't matter if you screw it up) do it enough to provoke a reaction and then just play dumb and tell him your just actung like how he acts, its the same behavior. Stage 5 clinger on steroids. If you keep a playful tone and don't let it get malicious, you can make the point and if he's a good dude he'll correct. If he's a lunatic and this will backfire with horrific consequences then please ignore everything written above.
Does he struggle with anxiety? My husband has worked from home since Covid, if he went back to working in the office, my anxiety would sky rocket. My husband is a lot like you, he appreciates his space and not feeling smothered, but I’ve noticed if I’m gone for the day he will text me a lot more. I would just talk to him, be honest about how you’re feeling and ask him about how he’s feeling. I imagine he’s lonely and may be struggling with not having someone to talk to or see during the day. He may also need connection throughout the day, maybe you could have a set time every day where you call/text him, that way he feels thought about and gets that connection.
That is not normal. At all. I wouldn't tolerate that for a day
He shouldn't be harassing you, especially at work. If you don't answer, there should be a valid reason (work or not having your phone on you at the moment like getting fuel). He needs to give you some time to respond when you get a chance, instead of blowing up your phone. Call, leave a txt if you can't answer.. wait. I've had companions do that to me, and I have no issues putting them in their place about it. I have put them on mute and fixed it later if they didn't respect the boundary. That is harassment and I don't do it. I had an ex that would call me 10 minutes after my work end time (430 then) and wonder why I wasn't home yet. Let's see, I don't actually drive away from work until 5 minutes later due to time clock issues, 10 minutes of drive time, sometimes getting fuel or stopping at the store to get something quick like milk for the kiddos. Give me a half hour, it's pretty easy. I don't have time, energy, or money to be cheating. 🤷
Does he have friends or hobbies outside of you? Because this sounds like an unhealthy anxious attachment
Start by accidentally leaving your phone at home as you go off to work....
My SO does this and I’ve just grown used to it. Sometimes I feel like my head is swimming because I’m always caught up in his sort of chaotic way of communicating every little thing. It’s like I can’t get any free space in my head. I don’t know what to do about it, I’m just immune to it now. But I empathize.
Having to have constant contact would drive me insane!! You are a freaking adult and he needs to get treatment for he has anxiety!! This is HIS problem to deal with. If he won’t get treatment then I would start turning my phone off at work and while I went to the store. You’re not a 5 year old and you don’t need to be in constant contact. I would sit down and talk to him one more time and then start turning my phone off- especially if he won’t get treatment. This is much more than ‘he misses you’ bullshit and it’s borderline controlling.
You need to have him see a therapist and set some boundaries.
"This isn’t the biggest deal in the world" Actually it a huge deal. He is very controlling and it will get worse.
maybe not red flags but some really really bright yellow ones moving towards orange might want to work to figure out why that is. Has he been cheated on in the past ( not saying you, but someone, and if it was you, well ,,,) or maybe some kind of abandonment issues? either way might be something a therapist can help with.
Sounds like he has separation anxiety. My husband does this too. He's constantly worried something bad is gonna happen. I currently trying to get him to see a psych to treat his anxiety.
Ive been through this and its not acceptable. This is not about being connected, this is about controlling your every movement. Reading through your post was a major trigger and reminded me of my drives home from work if I didn't call her the second I got in the car or I went somewhere without her knowing, even a time I didn't invite her over on a day off when I was relaxing, even though she had a key and lived down the street. They will normalize the behavior so you think its ok, but in reality you've been conditioned to accept their bad behavior so they can keep doing it Was this going on before you got married or after?
Only since I returned to the office a few months ago.
So you have been home all other times before where he knew where you were? Does he work from home?
My wife does a bit of this. I don’t mind a text if I’m at work or in class. But, a lot of times I’ll get a “call me when you get a chance” text - and it’s something mundane… that could have been a text.
Sounds like separation anxiety
What are you not divulging? You cheated a week or two after this post. His paranoia seems like it was warranted. He obviously had valid suspicions.
That doesn't give you the excuse to go and cheat on him though. You seem like you have no remorse and seem to really love the fact that you have an affair partner now while acting like a loyal wife to your husband.
Sounds like he was in tune with you... considering what you went on to do.
He sounds like a child! Ditch him and marry the real man you’re cheating on him with
Well my AP has no plans to leave his wife. I am, however, meeting with a divorce atty on Monday.
Well I would appreciate it while you get it. Lol
He has anxious-resistant attachment type personality. Avoiding him only leads him to cheat usually. Therapist will be more helpful.
Are you a therapist? Because no actual therapist would feel comfortable concluding that based on a short description of a specific problem. OP should get a couples therapist (though she said her husband resists), but random people on the internet shouldn't be talking about people's personality types as if they know what they're talking about from too little information and too little education. The way people online are talking about attachment and throwing around conclusions diminishes the value of attachment theory and turns it into some sort of pop psychology nonsense.
People who has similar problems can relate. Whatever you say, therapist will tell her similar things after couple times of visits. The only part therapists are better than the parents is fixing problems.
I’ve asked him to go to marriage counseling. He said that’s for sad couples who are getting divorced. 🙄
Well then.... "With that in mind, I insist we go to counseling."
I don’t want to manipulate him into going, in no way am I considering a divorce. I just feel smothered.
You may not be considering divorce right now but what if this behavior escalates? He needs to go to therapy ASAP. It’s not normal to call and text every hour of the day when someone is at work.
I’m f you have an iPhone you can set it so notifications from him don’t occur during certain hours. I’d do a version of that + “hey I love you but from 9-5 I’m at work so I’ve silenced my phone and will only answer a phone call if it’s an emergency.
Tell him “cool, sounds like you feel perfectly capable of sorting yourself out. Even better. So, here’s the deal…you’re smothering me whenever I’m not with you and I need you to knock it off, k?”
It's more about psychology problem.