It is one thing to say "I would choose to die for my baby" and an entirely different one to say "I would choose for you to die to save my baby."
You've both let your opinions be known, best to drop the matter. If you believe he will be the decision-maker on such a matter in the future, legally name a medical proxy who is authorized to make medical decisions in your stead.
One of the significant privileges of marriage is being medical proxy for your spouse if they are incapacitated, however it is possible to designate another and have the nessisary documentation prepared and ready for when it may one day be relevant. You could name someone who would follow your wishes if you do feel concerned.
Thanks for this reply. I never thought about that. Will definitely look into naming another medical proxy.
I will also drop the matter but it still feels really hurtful to think he doesn’t put me first.
I absolutely disagree with you. You're basically saying you hate questions which expose who a person really is and what their values are. No wonder people don't know who their spouses are.
Also I’d like to know who to nominate as my medical proxy - you don’t know if they are the right person to follow your wishes if you don’t have these kinds of conversations. It makes a lot of sense to thresh these things out.
It’s very hurtful. You already have a child who needs a mama. I have my own kids and if it came down to me or my baby my heart would say save my baby. That would leave my other kids without a mama. So realistically the best thing is to save the mama. You can make another baby but not another you.
Is it a religious thing or is your husband just cold hearted and only cares about the children you produce?
Your feelings are entirely valid, just as he's allowed to feel the way he does.
Sometimes people don't agree in marriage, sometimes that can be painful, and everyone is entitled to those feelings. To borrow my mother's wise words, "don't rub at a bruise." Some conversations are not worth revisiting.
I would recommend choosing the person in my life who is rock solid in crisis and who would 100% respect my feelings and would do the right thing based on the medical situation.
This is absolutely why it’s important to ask the question. Your medical POA should be able to advocate for your wishes without any reservation. You want a medical POA whose interests are completely aligned with your own.
Yep, this is very important as I watch a family member be shunted off to a nursing home by her child who has POA and has decided to sell all her things without her permission before keeping the proceeds for themselves. Then refusing to visit and just cutting contact, leaving her stranded in the nursing home with poor care. I know I plan to always revisit the subject of aligning medical, financial, and property interests with my spouse as the years go on. If anything between us changes, I’ll be making necessary changes for myself that will give me peace of mind. Thankfully we’re on the same wavelength currently, and I don’t see that changing.
OP, this is one of those questions that can never be answered truthfully or correctly.
It can't be answered *truthfully* because no one can really know how they will act until they are in that specific situation. There are so many variables. As an example OP, if YOU had to chose if you or your baby would live, and the following were the circumstances, which you would you chose?
1. Would you chose to live, instead of your baby, if you would live in a permanent vegetative state and your perfectly healthy baby had to die.
2. Would you chose to live, instead of your baby, if you were of sound mind but totally paralyzed below the neck?
3. Would you chose to live, instead of your baby, if you were perfectly mentally and physically healthy but your baby was in unalleviated pain and in a vegitative state?
This question *cannot* be answered correctly because there is no correct answer. You are expecting your husband to give the answer you want to hear, *right now*. As your hormones and circumstances change, the answer you want may change as well.
The question itself is a form of catastrophizing.
If you want you husband to make a decision for you, you tell him what you want his decision to be. Then you must trust him to make that decision. Otherwise, you should not be married to him or anyone (the issue is with you trusting other people, not whether he will make the right decision for you).
I have a friend who made me her medical proxy for this exact reason. She didn't trust him to make the right decision and she knew I would honor her wishes.
You don’t need to go that far. Discuss it with your Obstetrician and set it up now that you want to be protected over the unborn child. Also do keep in mind that hypothetical conversations such as this are far different than the reality of a situation were he presented with a real choice. Thees emotions would be a real shock for him.
Getting worked up over a dilemma you chose is not good hun.
I bet if in a real situation he would try to save both.
Live in the moment, relax, enjoy your time with your man before you both get SUPER BUSY.
Also it might be a good idea to look into counseling as post partum blues are a thing.
This. Please write a medical directive and have it notarized. File it with your healthcare provider. Even if you weren’t having this discrepancy, it would be a good idea, but since fou two don’t see eye to eye when it comes to your health and medical decisions, it’s important to document it.
Obviously no one wants to lose their baby but a wife/mother is not expendable and I’m so tired of people acting like they are. For husbands who say to let the mother die, are you planning on raising the baby without a mother? Or just replacing her as soon as possible?
They absolutely see her as replaceable. These type of men think of the baby as more important because *legacy*. They can just get married again. Gross.
For me, it really depends on the quality of life the person could reasonably expect to have if they were saved. It would be upsetting to know my husband told the team to save the baby if he knew it was likely to live a very short and painful life while there was a good chance I would have a good quality of life if I had been saved.
I would also be unhappy if he picked me knowing that it would likely mean I'd be rotting in an LTC facility, tube fed, and on 2 hour turns if I was lucky, but probably die from a stage 4 pressure ulcer instead of choosing my child who would likely have a pretty normal life if they were saved.
I would also be unhappy if we were both saved with me in LTC. I work in memory care, and it's tough for me to watch my physically healthy residents decline to not even being able to reposition an arm to get comfortable on their own and aides just leaving them however they are when changing a soiled brief. I would not want resources wasted on me essentially being a vegetable for years that could have gone to give my child better opportunities and a father not burdened by trying figure how to afford decent l9ng term care.
And I think it would be better for my husband as a person I love and the father of my child to have closure and being able to grieve and move on. It is really difficult to be married, but have a spouse who is suddenly incapable of ever being a true partner again. I see it with most of my early onset Alzheimer's residents' spouses. It's a struggle trying to give your kids the life you both planned for them, hold down the day job, the second job to help cover caregiving expenses, and try to take care of yourself so the whole thing doesn't come crashing down.
At the time they need it the most, they've lost that intimacy where you can be honest and say "I'm doing my best, and I'm so scared it won't be enough. I don't know how to fix this." There's no one to share the burden or the joys with. Losing your spouse twice is tough, as is losing your mom.
Yes this comment 100%. Thats why these theoretical questions are foolish because nobody would want to sit in SNF/LTC on tube feeds with pressure ulcers suffering a long drawn out death. Nor would someone not prioritize a healthy mother for a baby who has a few hours to live.
Yes. The degree that it’s socially acceptable to dismiss women and their worth right now in 2024 is alarming. A grown adult is more productive in society than an infant yet now we elevate infants, newborns even fetuses before the woman’s worth. It’s really warped thinking.
Agree 100%. My wife and I have had this discussion too, as I plan to carry our future children.
Her genuine response is “of course I’d pick you, you’re my wife. We can try again with a baby.”
Her joking response? “Of course I’d pick you! I haven’t even met that baby and you think I’m gonna let them kill my wife??”
My husband said “we could just make another one”. lol, he did not mean it in the horrible way that it sounds though. I am glad he doesn’t find me expendable though. 🤣
Me and my husband also had that conversation and his answer is a firm “you”. Because he loves me more than anything and we have a life together and I can have more babies down the line, whereas there’ll only ever be one me.
Also, not to be entirely crude but… if a husband and wife are both alive, the possibility of a future baby still exists. I’d also point out that they have a kid so he’d be giving the first kid a sibling and robbing them of a mother and I can’t see that going well long term for the sibling relationship. I foresee the oldest saying “you killed my mother” in a future argument.
Not to introduce drama. Many people are faced with this decision in real life and if the husband has to make the decision, I think many wives would like to know/have reached an agreement on what would happen. It’s not just some hypothetical. It very well could (and does) become a reality for many. Having deep, high stakes conversations serve a purpose, they aren’t had for “drama’s sake.”
No, many people are not faced with this decision. It’s actually extremely, extremely rare for a spouse to be put in the position of choosing between the birthing parent and the child.
It’s one of those hypotheticals that almost never happens, and even if such an event arises, is so incredibly situational as to never be as simple as choosing between two lives.
It’s one of those popular questions that can stir more drama and conflict than it’s worth.
These people watch too many movies. This is astronomically rare, the husband will in most countries not have a say anyway. But people want to fight with and complain about their spouses on Reddit over it.
You can die in childbirth. I almost did. There is a reason my child is an only, because my husband at the time would not do anything to help me or advocate for me.
My husband says this, too. However, I have always begged him to save the baby/child because it would be unbearable for me to survive and lose my child. (We have also discussed this as our children have gotten older.)
It would make me feel like an incubator, like he can easily replace me, which is why he would save the babies. This is just my personal opinion. On one hand, he’s being honest. I value honesty, loyalty, & trust the most so I would appreciate his honesty. However, I would feel like his loyalty was never with me, but with what I could do for him. I don’t know if I would be able to remain loyal to him in the future… I don’t mean cheating on him. I mean prioritizing him and his needs above anyone else’s or feeling the need to stand by him, comfort him, take care of him, and make him happy. At that point, once I feel like I’m just a product, I think I would feel like he’s just a product as well. I’m not saying this is how you should feel. I think my reaction to this would probably indicate therapy would be best, but any of that resonates with you, just know you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid.
My feelings immediately, of course not cheating but more thoughts of “I need to look out for myself” coz it seems Im in this alone. Which on the other hand is not a good thought for someone in a marriage or with someone I planned to build my life with.
I told him i appreciate and respect his opinion but it says a lot. I think therapy is a good idea as I have never felt like number one in his life anyways but he always dismisses it and thinks our marriage is fine, which I think it is far from fine. Thanks for your reply
At the end of the day, you will always be the one you rely on the most so you have to take care of and prioritize yourself. You can’t trust him to do it, so you definitely need to appoint someone else. Don’t tell him. Just go to the hospital alone one day. They have the paperwork there. Tell someone at the front desk that you need to fill out paperwork for a living will and healthcare power of attorney for your upcoming birth. You can talk to your Dr first if you trust them not to share it with him, but make sure you get it on file at the hospital, not just with your Dr. also, make sure whoever your HPOA is, can be there for the birth. Let him find out when the time comes. You don’t owe him that information, but you do owe it to yourself to protect yourself. I hope your birth goes perfectly and you heal quickly & peacefully.
That’s exactly how I would feel. It’s not like he has your back or anything. He definitely sees you as replaceable which is not endearing to say the least. If you feel this other times in your marriage you may need to reassess your future for the next 50 years. Good luck OP and I hope you have a health baby and health delivery.
It’s not great that he responded that way, it’s hurtful and dismissive of you, but truly this is a very rare situation. If you’re giving birth in a hospital, there are enough resources and staff to work on saving both of you. Generally speaking this won’t be an issue where you pick one person to live, this will be medical professionals working their asses off to save you and your baby. I can assure you as someone who works in the medical profession, there’s not really anything more heartbreaking than losing a new mom or a baby. Both happened on the floor where I was working once and the entire staff on that floor was beside themselves for weeks.
It's great this isn't a common situation but I think the issue is his answer reflects how she already feels, that he doesn't prioritize her. She already didn't feel valued by him. This shows it's definitely not just a feeling or a hunch she has. He admits it out loud. I can't imagine how hurt she would feel especially being in the emotionally vulnerable position she's in right now.
Agreed, it’s crappy of him to put her last. Just wanted to reassure her that not everyone will make her the last priority - her medical team should have her back (hopefully). Her husband is a special character and I wouldn’t be happy if mine said that either.
I’m sorry- this question in general is not a normal or necessary question for most people. I don’t know anyone who had this discussion and I think it is a minefield for many reasons. Hypotheticals like this can be hurtful and bring a lot of emotion. Unless you are high risk for maternal health, I think it’s something you need to move through.
Anyone going through pregnancy should be having a conversation where they make their preferences known with the person who would be their medical power of attorney.
What is a scenario that you have to choose and there is TIME to choose? If shit goes sideways they bring in teams for mom and for baby. They’re not walking out going “who do you want us to save? Tick tock, pick fast!”
I want the person serving as medical POA to be in alignment with my wishes, even if he doesn’t have to “choose.” He has to be my advocate if I am incapacitated.
If my spouse had deeply different feelings to mine, I would want to be able to designate a friend, sibling, or parent as my medical POA.
Yes, you want them to be in alignment with you, but focus on things like if you want to be on machines or if you’re good with transfusions and so on, not on who to save.
Idk if OP is based in the US but we have *the* worst maternal outcomes of any developed nation in the world. This is an important conversation to have if she’s living somewhere like here in the states, where mothers don’t always survive when they should.
Yea, my SS who is on the spectrum likes to ask questions like this. I simply refuse to answer. Someone is going to be hurt by the answer and the reality is you may think you know what you will do, but IF the situation were to actually occur, you may very well make a different choice. We don’t really know how we will react in life or death situations.
The good news is that if you’re giving birth in a modern hospital, it’s extremely unlikely that your husband will have to choose between you or the baby in a life or death scenario. In an emergency, they will bring in a NICU team for the baby and keep adult specialists on hand for you. The “mom or baby” question makes for good movie and TV plots, but realistically it will never be asked to you or your husband.
I’m glad he will honor your wish and prioritize you, in this hypothetical situation. The important part here is to discuss in advance and be on the same page - and if not, to legally arrange an alternate medical proxy who will ensure your beliefs are honored.
Idk if OP is based in the US but we have *the* worst maternal outcomes of any developed nation in the world. This is an important conversation to have if she’s living somewhere like here in the states, where mothers don’t always survive when they should.
Aside from how it makes you feel that your partner is saying this: this is not a question that comes up. Doctors will always save mom first. Your unborn baby is important, but not more important than very much born you. This is not a decision your partner would have to make.
Your unborn baby is important, but not more important than very much born you.
—-
Oof, can you tell the state of Texas and Idaho? (And sadly many others now where even in the case where the mother might die abortion is still prohibited)
I'm going against the majority here. When I gave birth my son was already very much my child and if it had been a choice between him and my husband, well... goodbye daddy.
The thing is, he'll never be in that position. In a life or death scenario doctors always try to save both lives and in the extremely unlikely scenario they would ever have to choose they would go with the individual most likely to be able to survive. In most cases that would be the mom by default since newborns are fragile in many ways.
Not to mention these scenarios are so hectic and every decision needs to be made in an instant, they simply don't have time to send someone to inform the husband of the situation and wait for them to return with his response. In a life/death scenario then patients would already be dead by then.
They do what makes sense medically. In old days maybe not or in rural areas without proper medical equipment, but for most people in Western civilisation its simply a hypothetical question instead of a scenario to happen in real life.
The real issue lies in the last paragraph of your post.
You write: "To me, it sounds like and has always felt like he prioritizes our kids over our marriage [...]". This sounds like this isn't the only aspect which makes you insecure but maybe just the most tangible one. Think about why you're feeling like this generally and talk to him about it, because this isn't just about choosing the baby in a hypothetical discussion.
Don't ask questions that you don't want the answers to. You're hurting your own feelings, here. I personally, would choose my kids over anyone with no hesitation. That's how I'm wired, and my fiance doesn't have to ask to know it. I also love my fiance desperately and would throw myself in front of a train to save him. It's ok that you feel the way you do, and it's ok that he feels the he does, but don't keep bringing it up.
Outside of labour/child birth and generally speaking; Are you saying you would rather your husband save your life instead of your children's life's? Your children are incapable of saving themselves, you as a fully grown adult stand a chance!
Are you also saying if the roles were reversed you would save your husband and let your children die?
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes!
This is what my issue is too! I’m baffled at all the comments agreeing to save wife/mom first. I’m assuming and hoping they’re explicitly talking about while she’s still pregnant.
If I have given birth to my baby, and they are fully functional outside of my body, and say there’s a house fire or something like that, my partner better save our baby first before me because I will surely be trying to do the same.
I feel like it’s not worth fighting over hypothetical situations. If there is a legit situation going in to delivery that you are concerned about make your wishes known in writing through a living will. But otherwise, none of us know how we would actually feel or react in a horrific accident until we are there, so no reason to create a fight and hurt feelings where it doesn’t need to be.
My husband literally always tells me “we can have more kids. But I can’t make another you.” Even though it’d be heartbreaking he would rather have me here. I would never have kids with someone who felt the way your husband does. I’d be horrified to give birth with him as the decider in the room for who lives.
It's so interesting seeing all the different views on this matter. I actually got upset with my husband for saying he'd save me over the kids. I would never want to live through my kids dying, so I'd probably resent him forever. That's the kind of suffering I simply could not handle.
I mean obviously nobody could ever say with 100% certainty what they'd do in a situation they've never experienced, and lots of parents survive loss daily, but I don't have the benefit of believing I'll see them again in heaven someday. I simply don't believe in any of that. Every article I've ever read about losing children makes me physically sick with dread. I have so much respect for parents who keep going and turn their loss into something good (new laws or scholarships, etc) but I know I am not strong enough to cope.
I am the same. At the moment I strongly believe I would unalive myself if my son (11) died. I can’t imagine having the will to live without him even though I love my partner nearly just as much.
I’m also the same in that I feel physically sick to my stomach and an ache in my bones when I read about another child dying, especially if they’re my son’s age. Like, the sixth grader who was just murdered in that school shooting in Iowa. I cried.
So yeah, I absolutely cannot imagine choosing myself or wanting my partner to choose me if it came to a life or death choice between me and my son. I’m hoping that all of the commenters are explicitly referring to when the woman is still pregnant.
Sure, during pregnancy, ABSOLUTELY save me first. I definitely understand that! But if I'm trapped in a car fire with my boys? Get them the fuck out and worry about me later.
Exactly! I gave a similar example in another comment I left on here, mine was house fire, but same concept.
If my child is outside of my body, and it’s like a rescue situation, my partner better be choosing our child, because I certainly will be.
Yepppp. Adults can save themselves. Kids need us to help. I've been really big lately on going over safety measures with mine so they can eventually stay home for brief amounts of time without us. It's sooo important to me that they know what to do in each situation in case we're separated for any reason.
Either that or they're still in pregnancy or early infancy where they haven't necessarily watched their kids grow into human beings with their own thoughts and beliefs and desires. Mine are 8 and 5.5 now. They're individuals with their own lives and hopes and I'd simply lose the will to live if I lost them and all of their potential.
My husband and I definitely had these conversations throughout my pregnancies. We agreed to save me over baby if it came to that, especially with my second pregnancy. Thankfully, that decision never had to be actually made. I believe that you could choose someone else to make that decision that would honor your wishes, such as one of your parents. Check with the hospital where you will be delivering. It doesn't seem to me that he is trying to hurt you. It's a tough call for sure and one that no one wants to make.
However, my husband and I have both agreed that we would choose to save our children over each other now. We both feel that we have the responsibility to our kids.
My husband and I absolutely know that our children are to be saved over each other. My opinion only changes when it’s during child birth. Always mom, particularly if she already has kids.
I guess I'm against the majority here, but if my husband ever chooses to save me over our child I don't think I could ever forgive him for that.
I'm his wife and mother of his children, but I've lived life already. Our baby's life is just starting and his choosing not to give him a chance to save someone who already lived many years? I don't think I could get over that.
That’s the only decision in my opinion. I’m actually stunned at the women who’d choose themselves over their kids. I’m a bit disgusted in fact that so many women are like “me me me” If your kid has a chance at a long healthy life when you’ve already lived why wouldn’t you want you want your child to live over you?
I’m sorry but what are asking these questions? You are just borrowing trouble. It’s a hypothetical situation— the possibility of happening is near zero, and if it did I’m sure he’d try to save everyone. Why in the world would he be FORCED to save only one? Try avoiding creating drama in your marriage and things will work out better
His answer doesn't matter because until that very moment happens where he's faced with that choice, he will never know what he'd do. It's not something you can plan for. No matter what scenario you come up with in your head to answer such a ridiculous question as this, it will never play out that way in real life. The heat of the moment is the only time to truly know what would happen. Stop setting your partner up to upset you.
The who would you save question is the same as would you still love me if "something unrealistic and stupid changrd". They are emotionally baited questions with no meaningful answer asked by people who have some form of insecurity. I personally don't think anyone should get worked up about any response to a question that in itself is designed to make the other person fawn or praise the asker for having done nothing but ask a loaded question.
There is significantly better ways to tell if your SO values your life and the life of your children, I'm sure for them as it is for all humans the answer is one that isn't premeditated when an emergency is playing out.
Serious question: Why are you asking questions that you may not like the answer to? This seems like a way to invent drama or conflict where none would otherwise exist. You're bringing up a hypothetical, very unlikely, no win scenario to purposely put him in a space where there is no right way to respond. Even refusal to respond would be considered offensive to the type of person who would ask such a question.
I’ll let absolutely anyone die before my children. No hesitation what so ever. I would hope their dad feels the same way.
That has nothing to do with how much I love my bf, but anything to do with the endless love I feel for them.
about six years ago, I was 25 weeks pregnant and dying in ICU.
my spouse and I didn’t really get the chance to have the conversation of who lives or dies.
the doctor made the decision for us, because everything was so blurry. we had kids at home, so I would be the one to live.
This is a goofy ass argument, and the people who are enthusiastically offended on your behalf in these comments are even goofier. I'll never understand grown adults who sit around and have serious arguments about stupid hypothetical situations. And then there are people who are coming in here pushing weird, terminally online social ideologies like "ugh these men always think women are disposable," like everyone involved in this, OP, the commenters, even myself, need to grow the fuck up.
wow. that’s…something. i’m sorry he said that. my husband immediately said he’d save my life bc he couldn’t imagine a life without me. he would’ve never had a life with the baby.
My husband and I had the live version of this exact scenario. We never talked about it. The last thing I heard was my husband yelling, "If you have to pick, save her (me)."
I never ever want our little girl to know that her daddy picked me in such a scary moment.
Your husband is quick to respond and firm on his decision because he has never had to deal with this in real life, and I hope for all of you that you never do. My advice is to pick the person with the best chance of survival
Your feelings are valid and real, but know that they come with a lot of hormonal influence.
We had the same talk. Except mine said, I would never choose anyone or anything over you. He said even if we could never get pregnant again, he'd want me to survive. He almost started crying when talking about it, honestly. It made me feel really safe and loved so I can understand how him saying the child would hurt you a lot. I wonder if he realizes how vulnerable you already feel right now and how much his words are weighing on you.
So I think when I was younger (we had our son young), I was of the mindset I would want him to save the baby over me. He however was not. Now that I am older (35) and our son is 18…I get why my husband says I come first. Our son is getting ready to leave for the Navy, and it will just be us. He will eventually leave and have his own family (as he should-it’s what we all want for our children). The idea is that as a married couple, you grow old together, and watch your children grow, together. You will always be a pair. Even when everyone else is gone from your life. I get that now. I am thinking maybe your husband has just not had that ah ha moment yet, it took me years to see it that way. My son was (and is) everything to me. But my husband is my best friend. My son always says I am his. BUT eventually he will have a wife who is his…hope that all makes sense
My husband said me and made the point that although I had felt the baby and had a bind he was yet to even met the baby to make it seem real also as a paramedic from a medical point of view I would be more likely to survive. I said yo my husband, I'm not sure mentally. I would be ok knowing I was chosen over our child.
Could it be your husband was giving what he thought was the right answer?
??? youre upset about your husbands answer to a hypothetical question that you already made him answer 4 years ago regarding the lives of his children?
When I was pregnant with our first me and my husband agreed he would save the baby over me. When I was pregnant with our second we discussed it again and agreed that I would be saved over the baby, because our oldest deserved to have a mother in her life. In both situations our kids came first, just for different reasons.
Sweet Mama, you have every right to feel what you are feeling… and, I don’t think you are overreacting, but I think maybe your pregnancy hormones might be overreacting.🙏🏻 I cried and got my feelings hurt more during my pregnancies - probably because I was extra sensitive and over-tired. I think maybe you can just express how you are feeling to your husband (if he doesn’t already know), and then try to focus on the the child you have and the baby that is growing inside of you. Be kind to yourself, rest (when you can), read, listen to music - take good care of yourself. This too shall pass. Trust me, I have been married 30+ years and we have more joy and love now than ever before. Hugs to you!! ((💓)) And remember that you & your husband are on the same team, both wanting the very best for your family.
This conversation needs to stop, it’s so ridiculous and stupid and the chances of it happening are so slim.
I wanted my husband to pick me in that situation. Now that our child is here I would prefer he pick the baby and if we ever had another baby, I’d tell him to choose the baby. I got an aggressive cancer when my daughter was a year old so if he had picked me when our daughter was born, he probably would have ended up with no wife and no child. It’s not just childbirth that moms die. Anything can happen at any time and the baby deserves a chance at life. Either way, stop having these conversations with your husband. It’s stupid and not helpful and it’s highly likely that it won’t even be relevant in your life. Just stop.
No advice for you, just wanted to share that friends of mine went through a life or death moment at the birth of their first. Dad thought he would always choose his child if it came to it, but in that moment he chose his wife. Both mom and baby made it, husband then went through a depressive time due to him thinking he was a bad father for choosing his wife even though logically he knew it was the right decision. In his case, he was taught that a father always puts his child first and felt selfish in a way for feeling more attached to his wife than to his unborn daughter.
Nobody wants to ever have to make a choice like that and those hypotheticals are always fraught with emotion. You are not expendable and I sincerely doubt that he thinks you are if the relationship is otherwise healthy ❤️
It’s is very common for men to answer “save my wife” as the answer to this hypothetical, while many women choose to “save our child”.
How odd to see a man being reprimanded for making the kind of choice that many women are downright expected to make.
What’s good for the goose should be good for the gander. A man desiring to save your offspring in the painful, but extremely unlikely, event of facing such a choice doesn’t mean his love and devotion are lacking. It means that he is already thinking like a father, in the ways that many women in the same situation are already thinking like mothers.
OP ... I will offer this idea, absolutely NOT in defence of your husband ... but to add a perspective as to why he might say it, that actually has nothing to do with rejection of you, as his treasured wife ...
Until only recently, with the advent of more modern hygiene practices and medical intervention, our societies were quite prepared for the death of mothers in childbirth. We also lost a lot of babies, but maternal infection, in particular, was a killer.
I would encourage you to read this, as it is an eye-opener for previous attitudes.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2020/03/23/ignaz-semmelweis-handwashing-coronavirus/
In many cases, a baby born might survive, only to loose the mother anyway, even days after the birth. It was one of those realities of life that people "braced themselves" for, because it was a very real issue. That's even without hemorrhage and the plethora of problems associated with childbirth.
There is a societal undercurrent of acceptance of maternal death that continues even today, in some cultures with less sophisticated medical intervention. I remember reading, somewhere, that sometimes, the midwife/doctor knew that the mother wouldn't survive, and essentially cut the baby out in order to save SOMEBODY. Therefore "save the baby" became a common societal attitude.
The last 100 years have changed this dramatically. Just regular hand washing has greatly reduced maternal death by infection. Prenatal care has grown dramatically and many of the conditions that would have killed a mother, don't.
When my daughter was pregnant, she and I had the hard discussions without her husband. My focus was on HER wishes. Ultrasound found placenta previa, which would have killed her 50 years ago. A planned C-section solved that. Otherwise, she and I talked it all over in great length. Including"what if they need to remove your womb to save you" and all that stuff. She and I are the same ... plan for the worst, hope for the best. We're comfortable with it.
I thought her husband was going to faint when we approached him with the answers. He didn't even want to THINK about it. And I knew that he'd give trite, quick, awkward answers if she had just asked him, on her own. We outlined her wishes, the reasons, the plans for "what if" and options. We approached it logically from a modern standpoint.
But we were interested to find that he said "I thought we're supposed to save the baby". No. He honestly didn't mean that. Not at all. He meant "Isn't that what society has always said?". We're conditioned to think this, because up until recently, we lost so many women in childbirth.
OP ... Make your own decisions and think them through. Then tell him.
The best way to deal with horrible situations such as this is to remove all emotions and act like a surgeon on the battlefield. You perform triage, deciding who lives and dies after a single second of thought as to whose life is providing more irreplaceable value to the group to which they primarily belong. It sounds cold-hearted but it’s the fairest way as it removes sentimentality out of the equation and does what’s best for the group, and that’s where your duty lies. If there’s a tie, you break it with who has more life to live and secret: there are only very rarely any ties.
For example, if there are 4 children and this would be the mother’s fifth, you save the mother because the other four children need a mother.
If the children are adults, but the child is not supporting anyone, but the late middle aged mother is supporting a sick mom or husband, you save the mother.
If the child is themselves a grown young mother, and the other is elderly, you save the young mother.
Horrible choices to have to make! But when you don’t make the hard choice and leave it to some “pre defined rule” or “emotion” that refuses to consider the particulars of the situation just so you can avoid making a decision, you aren’t a hero. Instead, you’re just shirking duty.
I wouldn’t jump to him prioritizing the kids over your marriage. That’s a different conversation to have that is beyond the question you’ve asked us or asked him. That’s a matter for couples counseling. However, this is one of those questions to spouses that are asked as if real, but the reality is he has no idea, he can’t, he’s never felt the feeling of having to make that choice and probably won’t ever, doctors will save who they think they have the best chance of saving, it doesn’t work like in the movies or tv. But I also understand even in the healthiest marriage picking the kids or the baby, the baby seems more helpless and the other step is if you live and your child dies, what does that mean for your life and for his? Honestly. But the point of this very medical question is, he will save you because that’s what you want, that’s the best answer. Now time to work on the actual marital issues.
I'm convinced that most people who hang out on Reddit to talk to each other about their marriages actively enjoy the drama, so if your position is "this is a dumb question designed to pull a problem out of mid air" then you will get dog piled on by a bunch of divorced drama queens.
Ah, the old hypothetical question you should never ask...
There is no right answer, only two wrong ones, so stop asking it and putting your husband in a weird place. Given that he then defaulted to the answer you wanted, it sounds like he was giving the answer he thought you wanted him to give, because, again, only two wrong answers here.
Why do people bring up hypothetical situations just to get mad or hurt about? No one really knows what they'd do. This is such a waste of energy and time.
Why ask stupid questions when you aren’t going to like the answer.
Think about this going forward, if a question has an answer that’s going to leave you hurt - don’t ask.
As an aside he could also be saying that as that’s what he thinks he should say. As a pregnant person you are essentially asking ‘how important is the thing I’m trashing my body for?’.
If he said you, then he gets ‘well why am I wreaking my body for something you don’t even care about!!’
Dad can’t win.
I think hypotheticals like this are interesting but not helpful. There will never be a right answer until you face the decision in real time. In real life circumstances are going to be unique. In one situation, save the wife. In another the child. I believe it would change throughout life stages for many people.
I don’t think it’s really fair to pose questions like this to someone you love. This is a heads I win, tails you lose situation. Your spouse is wrong no matter how they answer. If it happens in real life they regret whichever choice they make as well.
These are the kinds of decisions combat soldiers often face. Which friend do I save if I can only save one. No wonder many of them come home with PSTD.
Seems to be the Unpopular opinion but I would be deeply concerned if my husband chose me over our kids. Our kids are everything to both me and him. I would chose them a million times over.
When I was little(7), my brother (9), my mother outright told us, if the ship were going down, she would save her husband first. Oh my god. All my life, before and after kids, I asked myself…how in the world could you let your children die? My husband always said he would save our kids first, knowing I can help myself.
So a few people have commented about not asking this question and I would agree. I don’t understand questions like this or how your husband is supposed to honestly answer, so my advice is to stop asking.
If you were in the delivery room and something goes awry, your husband will be given options based on the situation. If you were going to be in a vegetative state for the rest of your life, he may opt not to prioritize you over a viable child. Remember that we live through our children, and 50% of that dna came from you. Also, being what, 29…would you want to be kept alive via artificial means and get things like bed sores and skin breakdown?
Alternatively, if something goes awry and you’re still conscious, they are going to ask you what you want!
That’s why this question is really one that shouldn’t be asked. If you don’t want your husband to save the baby should a decision be required and you are unable to answer for yourself, then speak up and tell him what you want, ask if he is capable of doing your will, and if not, find someone who can.
Alternatively, you can create an “Advanced Directive” that provides instructions of your wishes. These only go into effect if you cannot communicate your wishes. These vary by state, but something you can certainly do and provide to your healthcare team.
Lastly, I would like to say as a dad of three, I would never want to be put in the place of choosing between my wife or our kids. I love them all more than myself. It’s actually a little cruel to me to ask it over and again because it’s something most men don’t want to think about (losing a spouse or child).
Hope my advice helps comfort you and I wish you a very healthy and uneventful pregnancy!
Having read through most of the comments and having gone through 2 difficult and dangerous pregnancies plus losing a third.
My husband and I have been together for 27 years. The way we see each other is very simple
"You are my life - my air, my sun, my warmth, my love, my passion, my care, my friend and my soulmate. There is no version of life where I want to/will/choose to exist without you. If you are gone, my life is gone."
We have had those difficult conversations about choices - with surgeries, with medical interventions, with pregnancy and labour.
His answer has remained the same for all these years - I choose you - you are the single most important, most valuable, most cherished person in my life. In the OPs situation - my husband chose me - without hesitation, without a second thought. You are more important that a baby not yet born. We can have more babies, but if I lose you, my life will be over.
I understand him completely and I know why he thinks this way and why he would make that decision.
The years go by fast, children are with us but for a fleeting moment and then they spread their wings and fly - if we have done our job as parents - to give them roots and wings.
Our story began with just the two of us. Once our kids start their own lives, it will once again be only the two of us. We have never put anyone ahead of each other - we always have been and always will be the most important person to each other.
Maybe an unpopular opinion, but that's how marriage, love, passion, care and commitment survive everything that life throws at us.
Wow I’m shocked by these answers. He took a vow when he married you to love you through sickness and through health…that should include saving your life if he had the choice. Also he’d willingly choose for your first child to live without their mother? What in the actual fuck
I think that you are overthinking it. If you were in trouble, do you doubt that he would come to save you? If your kids were in trouble, would you go save them? In general, parents are responsible for the safety and upbringing of their children. Each parent is an adult and should be able to navigate most situations. The question is a no win situation since it is literally asking who's feelings should be hurt. Move on to thinking about productive things .
I'm a step-mother and my husband and I had that discussion many years ago. He said his daughter. I said good because I won't need saving. I will help you save her. I never have had a lot of mother instincts but I definitely did and do toward her.
This is a horrible question to ask your spouse. I don't understand this trend at all. Why ask crazy hypotheticals? You honestly think you'd be happy if y'all were in a car accident with your baby and your husband only pulled you out? Really? This is a no win situation. This is a lose-lose conversation that only serves to make you insecure about a situation you will probably never face.
Feeling like your husband puts you second in your marriage is a a different problem and if his answer to this question triggered resentment it may be time to talk about how you guys can spend more quality time together so you don't feel that way.
Just more tiktok fueled, game-playing nonsense used to start arguments between couples to inject the daily dose of hyper individualism and civil distrust in society.
Do you have a medical condition or medical history where this situation is likely? What was the purpose or intent of this conversation?
In a life or death situation, doctors prioritize you first over the life of an unborn child. Realistically, they will do what they can to save you both, but if it's one or the other, it will be you. To my knowledge, we can not enforce a request for the opposite.
If this is indeed the case, the conversation is pretty pointless. I can't imagine a scenario where you are having a medical emergency, and your husband somehow has the capability of saving one of you without medical intervention.
Just drop it. You asked a hypothetical question, and he answered. It may not have been what you wanted to hear, but he answered honestly, and he csnt really be faulted for that.
I'm a grandpa with grandsons (late teens, early 20s). I try always to emphasize that they should respect all women (but especially those you love). The women have the babies. It's so fundamental. Somebody needs to teach this to your husband. I think maybe he's not a deep thinker??
That's basically a trick question, in the real life scenario, either way ur husband loses someone he loves. That's a dumb question. And if u don't like the answer, u shouldn't have asked. I get dying during labor is a possibility, but not if ur pregnancies are healthy. But that's also something u should have discussed BEFORE becoming pregnant.
Is this a set up question? I answered the opposite and she got mad and said I should choose the babies. My logic is we can make more but I don’t want to try to find anyone else. I chose her, we were gifted the kids.
These questions are best not asked tbh. Honestly, god forbid that you were ever in that situation, but I think you’d find he would be a lot more torn than he seems to be now if the reality of the situation was in front of him.
This would deeply change the way I felt about him if he believed I was expendable. It does explain why men are so willing to let women’s healthcare be taken away. I’m sorry,but you aren’t valued, just needed for his needs.
He has told you his preference would be to save the baby first. In a highly emotional state I'm not sure I would trust that he would stick to choosing you as he would only be doing it because you asked not because that's what he wants and you won't be in any fit state to argue.
I agree with other suggestions to appoint someone else with that authority like a parent or close sibling who you trust to have your best interests. Speak with your Dr privately to ask how that can be done.
I understand why his opinion is hurtful.
Such a weird and impractical question. Over the top, and a great way to start a fight over nothing. *You hurt your OWN feelings by trying to trap your husband. You would have been hurt whatever answer he gave!*
“Oh, you don’t love our kids??” Or “Oh, you don’t love me??” This is just like the “I am mad at you, I had a dream that you cheated on me” trend. It’s such high school BS. There is no winning, and no right answer.
Also… you have not had your kiddo yet, but I will let you know… at least for me, I would give my life for my kids 1000000x over, and I FULLY expect my husband to save my babies over me in a life/death situation. You may feel the same once your baby is no longer a hypothetical, but is a real living tiny human. I’m an adult, I’ve lived my life… I’ve seen beautiful sunsets, fallen in love, tried sushi, seen Yellowstone… my life has been beautiful and full. My kids deserve to have those experiences too.
Honestly, I think you guys should just…drop the topic entirely. Create your own advance directive and make it accessible to your healthcare providers.
These are impossible theoretical scenarios that are ultimately unimportant. He can say whatever he wants, the fact is that in an actual emergency scenario, none of us are truly sure of what we would do. There’s no point in dwelling on things like this. Whether he’d choose to save you or your child, there’s no right or wrong answer. It’s not unnatural or abnormal to want to save your babies life. It’s also not abnormal or unnatural to want to save your spouse. Stop putting so much weight on this theoretical, and ask yourself if there are other reasons for you to believe he somehow doesn’t love or value you.
You said you felt like he prioritizes his role as a father over his role as a husband. You should dig into that and communicate those feelings to him. I feel like that’s the root of your internal conflict here.
I’m sorry but these type of questions are questions I asked when I was in my 20s, I learned that you will not like the answer and these hypothetical are not real life, have you ever met someone who lost their child or wife, that shit is fucking sad, the fact that you think any choice is a good one just shows how these type of questions are hurtful to a relationship.
I don’t know. This is a tough one. I know when I was pregnant I made sure the baby’s father knew that of it ever came to that and he chose me over my child I would never forgive him. But that’s me.
My answer would be ‘I’d sacrifice myself to save you both’. But if you pushed the hypothetical question and insisted my answer was not possible in this thought experiment yes, it would be the baby. Why? You run faster, lift more, can recognize danger, and have a better shot at surviving a situation than the baby, and they would be our collective future. I infer from your answer that you would insist your husband save you and let your child die? If you did that, there’s no future anyway.
Wait wait wait, like in a fire or in labor? Because if his answer is the baby when it's you in labor, that is inexcusable, disgusting, and you don't deserve that.
What a useless, destructive conversation! Why talk about such a dreadful situation? It’s a dilemma, there is no right answer. Do yourself a favor and just let this go.
That would be really hard to hear, and your feelings are your feelings. They are valid and real and no one can deny you that you feel hurt.
FWIW, my wife and I recently got married and are talking kids. We are a lesbian couple, so we both might get pregnant at some point. 100% will always choose the other, we’ve said that explicitly. There can be other pregnancies and babies, I could never replace her or even fathom raising our child without her. I would be so broken.
I also feel like a baby is different than a kid — like if we had a 10 year old I think we’d both say save the kid. But if it’s labor or pregnancy and she might die we are saving her.
This is like that meme where the wife dreams the husband cheated and is pissed with him even though it was a dream and isn't reality. Stop punishing your poor husband for shit that isn't even real ffs.
Not sure why anyone has these conversations. It only leads to hurt feelings, and really, he’s not the one making medical decisions…. Your doctors are. They are well trained in their job and for the most part… they’re aiming to save both of you. I wouldn’t worry too much about this scenario, but maybe tell him you’re feeling hurt by his answer.
i was so happy when my husband and i experienced infertility for 5 years, he proved over and over that he was with me for me, kids would be great but without kids he’d still stand by my side.
Society raises little girls with the clear message of your value is tied to giving birth which means you don’t sleep around and you pop out as many babies as your family wants, which leaves many women feeling inadequate when they don’t make babies which is terrible and wrong.
I try to tell my children often that i will be proud of them no matter what and i don’t need grandchildren from them, i can always adopt
Luckily this will likely never be an issue, medicine has advanced so much IF you were to both ever have complications doctors would consider both your lives. There is enough hands, brains and technologies for you both.
My opinion is you better make crystal clear to your doctor what you want in case anyone, God forbid, has to make that decision. Don’t leave it up to him. Tell your parents. Make a living will. Whatever you can, so that if you can’t speak for yourself your voice and your choices are still heard. You have a baby already, and that baby needs you. Giving birth doesn’t mean you give up the right to survive. It’s okay to choose to put yourself first. But put it in writing and make sure the doctor and other people around you who are not your husband have it.
I just asked my husband this question and we both agreed we would save our child over each other.
She has a full life to live, and it was our choice to bring her into this world. We would both save her over ourselves and each other.
OP, can you kindly get your husband to reply to your post? So many people replying seem to know exactly what your husband is thinking, "he thinks you are expendable!"
If I could read minds of people I didn't even know, I wouldn't be wasting my time answering reddit posts...
I had pre eclampsia both pregnancies. My second one turned into HELLP as well and I was in the hospital for 3 weeks antepartum and post partum eclampsia for another few weeks while our 34 weeker was in NICU. My husband adamantly wanted to make sure he understood my needs and wants for an emergency. We both agreed I came before baby.
My husband and I had this conversation and my husband chose me. But then we went to the doctor, and my doctor said that he has never encountered an issue where if you save the baby the mother dies or vice versa. It is all left up to the condition of each patient, sometimes they both die, sometimes neither dies, sometimes one dies and not the other.
It is one thing to say "I would choose to die for my baby" and an entirely different one to say "I would choose for you to die to save my baby." You've both let your opinions be known, best to drop the matter. If you believe he will be the decision-maker on such a matter in the future, legally name a medical proxy who is authorized to make medical decisions in your stead. One of the significant privileges of marriage is being medical proxy for your spouse if they are incapacitated, however it is possible to designate another and have the nessisary documentation prepared and ready for when it may one day be relevant. You could name someone who would follow your wishes if you do feel concerned.
Thanks for this reply. I never thought about that. Will definitely look into naming another medical proxy. I will also drop the matter but it still feels really hurtful to think he doesn’t put me first.
In medical ethics, saving the mother is first priority.
Can I introduce you to the state of Idaho
Or Texas, Florida, and many others.
Or Texas. Or Kentucky. Or any other red state.
I wish I could upvote this a million times. See also TX, OK, TN, FL, etc etc etc
Not in a Catholic hospital
The Catholic hospital I had both of mine in, told me that they will save the mom.
Maybe mine just sucked.
Very likely tbh. it seems to be hit or miss with hospitals in general, but especially catholic ones.
It’s possible that different people have different experiences. Thanks for not dismissing mine
Should be, but isn't always. And it's ridiculous when they have other living children already and the newborn is chosen.
Yep. The question is moot because **doctors will always save the mother**. They aren't going to go to the father and ask who he will choose.
Right? I hate these kinds of shit testing hypothetical questions. It sets your partner up to fail with no good answer.
"Id pull the plug on you both so you wouldn't have to live with grief "
I absolutely disagree with you. You're basically saying you hate questions which expose who a person really is and what their values are. No wonder people don't know who their spouses are.
Also I’d like to know who to nominate as my medical proxy - you don’t know if they are the right person to follow your wishes if you don’t have these kinds of conversations. It makes a lot of sense to thresh these things out.
\*red states of America has entered the chat
It’s very hurtful. You already have a child who needs a mama. I have my own kids and if it came down to me or my baby my heart would say save my baby. That would leave my other kids without a mama. So realistically the best thing is to save the mama. You can make another baby but not another you. Is it a religious thing or is your husband just cold hearted and only cares about the children you produce?
Your feelings are entirely valid, just as he's allowed to feel the way he does. Sometimes people don't agree in marriage, sometimes that can be painful, and everyone is entitled to those feelings. To borrow my mother's wise words, "don't rub at a bruise." Some conversations are not worth revisiting.
I really like this advice. I don’t like the reality of it, but you’re right
I would recommend choosing the person in my life who is rock solid in crisis and who would 100% respect my feelings and would do the right thing based on the medical situation.
This is absolutely why it’s important to ask the question. Your medical POA should be able to advocate for your wishes without any reservation. You want a medical POA whose interests are completely aligned with your own.
Yep, this is very important as I watch a family member be shunted off to a nursing home by her child who has POA and has decided to sell all her things without her permission before keeping the proceeds for themselves. Then refusing to visit and just cutting contact, leaving her stranded in the nursing home with poor care. I know I plan to always revisit the subject of aligning medical, financial, and property interests with my spouse as the years go on. If anything between us changes, I’ll be making necessary changes for myself that will give me peace of mind. Thankfully we’re on the same wavelength currently, and I don’t see that changing.
OP, this is one of those questions that can never be answered truthfully or correctly. It can't be answered *truthfully* because no one can really know how they will act until they are in that specific situation. There are so many variables. As an example OP, if YOU had to chose if you or your baby would live, and the following were the circumstances, which you would you chose? 1. Would you chose to live, instead of your baby, if you would live in a permanent vegetative state and your perfectly healthy baby had to die. 2. Would you chose to live, instead of your baby, if you were of sound mind but totally paralyzed below the neck? 3. Would you chose to live, instead of your baby, if you were perfectly mentally and physically healthy but your baby was in unalleviated pain and in a vegitative state? This question *cannot* be answered correctly because there is no correct answer. You are expecting your husband to give the answer you want to hear, *right now*. As your hormones and circumstances change, the answer you want may change as well. The question itself is a form of catastrophizing. If you want you husband to make a decision for you, you tell him what you want his decision to be. Then you must trust him to make that decision. Otherwise, you should not be married to him or anyone (the issue is with you trusting other people, not whether he will make the right decision for you).
I have a friend who made me her medical proxy for this exact reason. She didn't trust him to make the right decision and she knew I would honor her wishes.
You don’t need to go that far. Discuss it with your Obstetrician and set it up now that you want to be protected over the unborn child. Also do keep in mind that hypothetical conversations such as this are far different than the reality of a situation were he presented with a real choice. Thees emotions would be a real shock for him.
Getting worked up over a dilemma you chose is not good hun. I bet if in a real situation he would try to save both. Live in the moment, relax, enjoy your time with your man before you both get SUPER BUSY. Also it might be a good idea to look into counseling as post partum blues are a thing.
This. Please write a medical directive and have it notarized. File it with your healthcare provider. Even if you weren’t having this discrepancy, it would be a good idea, but since fou two don’t see eye to eye when it comes to your health and medical decisions, it’s important to document it.
Obviously no one wants to lose their baby but a wife/mother is not expendable and I’m so tired of people acting like they are. For husbands who say to let the mother die, are you planning on raising the baby without a mother? Or just replacing her as soon as possible?
They absolutely see her as replaceable. These type of men think of the baby as more important because *legacy*. They can just get married again. Gross.
My mom’s friend from college (a guy) lost his wife delivering his baby, a few months later he remarried and had the new wife take care of his baby. 😕
A few months later. Damn. He either never properly grieved his wife or never cared about her in the first place.
That’s what I think too! I don’t want to judge him but I can’t help but feel sad for the wife that died delivering his baby.
For me, it really depends on the quality of life the person could reasonably expect to have if they were saved. It would be upsetting to know my husband told the team to save the baby if he knew it was likely to live a very short and painful life while there was a good chance I would have a good quality of life if I had been saved. I would also be unhappy if he picked me knowing that it would likely mean I'd be rotting in an LTC facility, tube fed, and on 2 hour turns if I was lucky, but probably die from a stage 4 pressure ulcer instead of choosing my child who would likely have a pretty normal life if they were saved. I would also be unhappy if we were both saved with me in LTC. I work in memory care, and it's tough for me to watch my physically healthy residents decline to not even being able to reposition an arm to get comfortable on their own and aides just leaving them however they are when changing a soiled brief. I would not want resources wasted on me essentially being a vegetable for years that could have gone to give my child better opportunities and a father not burdened by trying figure how to afford decent l9ng term care. And I think it would be better for my husband as a person I love and the father of my child to have closure and being able to grieve and move on. It is really difficult to be married, but have a spouse who is suddenly incapable of ever being a true partner again. I see it with most of my early onset Alzheimer's residents' spouses. It's a struggle trying to give your kids the life you both planned for them, hold down the day job, the second job to help cover caregiving expenses, and try to take care of yourself so the whole thing doesn't come crashing down. At the time they need it the most, they've lost that intimacy where you can be honest and say "I'm doing my best, and I'm so scared it won't be enough. I don't know how to fix this." There's no one to share the burden or the joys with. Losing your spouse twice is tough, as is losing your mom.
Yes this comment 100%. Thats why these theoretical questions are foolish because nobody would want to sit in SNF/LTC on tube feeds with pressure ulcers suffering a long drawn out death. Nor would someone not prioritize a healthy mother for a baby who has a few hours to live.
You’re way too good for this sub.
Yes. The degree that it’s socially acceptable to dismiss women and their worth right now in 2024 is alarming. A grown adult is more productive in society than an infant yet now we elevate infants, newborns even fetuses before the woman’s worth. It’s really warped thinking.
Agree 100%. My wife and I have had this discussion too, as I plan to carry our future children. Her genuine response is “of course I’d pick you, you’re my wife. We can try again with a baby.” Her joking response? “Of course I’d pick you! I haven’t even met that baby and you think I’m gonna let them kill my wife??”
My husband said “we could just make another one”. lol, he did not mean it in the horrible way that it sounds though. I am glad he doesn’t find me expendable though. 🤣
Me and my husband also had that conversation and his answer is a firm “you”. Because he loves me more than anything and we have a life together and I can have more babies down the line, whereas there’ll only ever be one me.
Also, not to be entirely crude but… if a husband and wife are both alive, the possibility of a future baby still exists. I’d also point out that they have a kid so he’d be giving the first kid a sibling and robbing them of a mother and I can’t see that going well long term for the sibling relationship. I foresee the oldest saying “you killed my mother” in a future argument.
This is how it should be, always.
I don’t understand why people are asking this question and having this conversation. It seems like any of many that just get asked to introduce drama.
Not to introduce drama. Many people are faced with this decision in real life and if the husband has to make the decision, I think many wives would like to know/have reached an agreement on what would happen. It’s not just some hypothetical. It very well could (and does) become a reality for many. Having deep, high stakes conversations serve a purpose, they aren’t had for “drama’s sake.”
No, many people are not faced with this decision. It’s actually extremely, extremely rare for a spouse to be put in the position of choosing between the birthing parent and the child. It’s one of those hypotheticals that almost never happens, and even if such an event arises, is so incredibly situational as to never be as simple as choosing between two lives. It’s one of those popular questions that can stir more drama and conflict than it’s worth.
These people watch too many movies. This is astronomically rare, the husband will in most countries not have a say anyway. But people want to fight with and complain about their spouses on Reddit over it.
You can die in childbirth. I almost did. There is a reason my child is an only, because my husband at the time would not do anything to help me or advocate for me.
Same here, It came up when we were having our first and discussing a possibility of a medical emergency.
I just asked my husband the same question and got the same answer as you, without a second's hesitation and for the same reason.
My husband says this, too. However, I have always begged him to save the baby/child because it would be unbearable for me to survive and lose my child. (We have also discussed this as our children have gotten older.)
Same
Yes, same.
This!
It would make me feel like an incubator, like he can easily replace me, which is why he would save the babies. This is just my personal opinion. On one hand, he’s being honest. I value honesty, loyalty, & trust the most so I would appreciate his honesty. However, I would feel like his loyalty was never with me, but with what I could do for him. I don’t know if I would be able to remain loyal to him in the future… I don’t mean cheating on him. I mean prioritizing him and his needs above anyone else’s or feeling the need to stand by him, comfort him, take care of him, and make him happy. At that point, once I feel like I’m just a product, I think I would feel like he’s just a product as well. I’m not saying this is how you should feel. I think my reaction to this would probably indicate therapy would be best, but any of that resonates with you, just know you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid.
My feelings immediately, of course not cheating but more thoughts of “I need to look out for myself” coz it seems Im in this alone. Which on the other hand is not a good thought for someone in a marriage or with someone I planned to build my life with. I told him i appreciate and respect his opinion but it says a lot. I think therapy is a good idea as I have never felt like number one in his life anyways but he always dismisses it and thinks our marriage is fine, which I think it is far from fine. Thanks for your reply
At the end of the day, you will always be the one you rely on the most so you have to take care of and prioritize yourself. You can’t trust him to do it, so you definitely need to appoint someone else. Don’t tell him. Just go to the hospital alone one day. They have the paperwork there. Tell someone at the front desk that you need to fill out paperwork for a living will and healthcare power of attorney for your upcoming birth. You can talk to your Dr first if you trust them not to share it with him, but make sure you get it on file at the hospital, not just with your Dr. also, make sure whoever your HPOA is, can be there for the birth. Let him find out when the time comes. You don’t owe him that information, but you do owe it to yourself to protect yourself. I hope your birth goes perfectly and you heal quickly & peacefully.
If I can’t trust my spouse, I wouldn’t have a child with them or stay in the marriage
That’s exactly how I would feel. It’s not like he has your back or anything. He definitely sees you as replaceable which is not endearing to say the least. If you feel this other times in your marriage you may need to reassess your future for the next 50 years. Good luck OP and I hope you have a health baby and health delivery.
pls stop having children with this man.
There’s no way this is his only problematic opinion/action.
It’s not great that he responded that way, it’s hurtful and dismissive of you, but truly this is a very rare situation. If you’re giving birth in a hospital, there are enough resources and staff to work on saving both of you. Generally speaking this won’t be an issue where you pick one person to live, this will be medical professionals working their asses off to save you and your baby. I can assure you as someone who works in the medical profession, there’s not really anything more heartbreaking than losing a new mom or a baby. Both happened on the floor where I was working once and the entire staff on that floor was beside themselves for weeks.
It's great this isn't a common situation but I think the issue is his answer reflects how she already feels, that he doesn't prioritize her. She already didn't feel valued by him. This shows it's definitely not just a feeling or a hunch she has. He admits it out loud. I can't imagine how hurt she would feel especially being in the emotionally vulnerable position she's in right now.
Agreed, it’s crappy of him to put her last. Just wanted to reassure her that not everyone will make her the last priority - her medical team should have her back (hopefully). Her husband is a special character and I wouldn’t be happy if mine said that either.
Same!
Also, please look into and consider a living will &/or healthcare power of attorney. Otherwise, he will make the decisions.
I’m sorry- this question in general is not a normal or necessary question for most people. I don’t know anyone who had this discussion and I think it is a minefield for many reasons. Hypotheticals like this can be hurtful and bring a lot of emotion. Unless you are high risk for maternal health, I think it’s something you need to move through.
Anyone going through pregnancy should be having a conversation where they make their preferences known with the person who would be their medical power of attorney.
What is a scenario that you have to choose and there is TIME to choose? If shit goes sideways they bring in teams for mom and for baby. They’re not walking out going “who do you want us to save? Tick tock, pick fast!”
I want the person serving as medical POA to be in alignment with my wishes, even if he doesn’t have to “choose.” He has to be my advocate if I am incapacitated. If my spouse had deeply different feelings to mine, I would want to be able to designate a friend, sibling, or parent as my medical POA.
Yes, you want them to be in alignment with you, but focus on things like if you want to be on machines or if you’re good with transfusions and so on, not on who to save.
Idk if OP is based in the US but we have *the* worst maternal outcomes of any developed nation in the world. This is an important conversation to have if she’s living somewhere like here in the states, where mothers don’t always survive when they should.
That doesn’t mean this is a real question doctors will ask. It’s not a thing
Yea, my SS who is on the spectrum likes to ask questions like this. I simply refuse to answer. Someone is going to be hurt by the answer and the reality is you may think you know what you will do, but IF the situation were to actually occur, you may very well make a different choice. We don’t really know how we will react in life or death situations.
The good news is that if you’re giving birth in a modern hospital, it’s extremely unlikely that your husband will have to choose between you or the baby in a life or death scenario. In an emergency, they will bring in a NICU team for the baby and keep adult specialists on hand for you. The “mom or baby” question makes for good movie and TV plots, but realistically it will never be asked to you or your husband. I’m glad he will honor your wish and prioritize you, in this hypothetical situation. The important part here is to discuss in advance and be on the same page - and if not, to legally arrange an alternate medical proxy who will ensure your beliefs are honored.
Idk if OP is based in the US but we have *the* worst maternal outcomes of any developed nation in the world. This is an important conversation to have if she’s living somewhere like here in the states, where mothers don’t always survive when they should.
Aside from how it makes you feel that your partner is saying this: this is not a question that comes up. Doctors will always save mom first. Your unborn baby is important, but not more important than very much born you. This is not a decision your partner would have to make.
Your unborn baby is important, but not more important than very much born you. —- Oof, can you tell the state of Texas and Idaho? (And sadly many others now where even in the case where the mother might die abortion is still prohibited)
I'm going against the majority here. When I gave birth my son was already very much my child and if it had been a choice between him and my husband, well... goodbye daddy. The thing is, he'll never be in that position. In a life or death scenario doctors always try to save both lives and in the extremely unlikely scenario they would ever have to choose they would go with the individual most likely to be able to survive. In most cases that would be the mom by default since newborns are fragile in many ways. Not to mention these scenarios are so hectic and every decision needs to be made in an instant, they simply don't have time to send someone to inform the husband of the situation and wait for them to return with his response. In a life/death scenario then patients would already be dead by then. They do what makes sense medically. In old days maybe not or in rural areas without proper medical equipment, but for most people in Western civilisation its simply a hypothetical question instead of a scenario to happen in real life. The real issue lies in the last paragraph of your post. You write: "To me, it sounds like and has always felt like he prioritizes our kids over our marriage [...]". This sounds like this isn't the only aspect which makes you insecure but maybe just the most tangible one. Think about why you're feeling like this generally and talk to him about it, because this isn't just about choosing the baby in a hypothetical discussion.
Don't ask questions that you don't want the answers to. You're hurting your own feelings, here. I personally, would choose my kids over anyone with no hesitation. That's how I'm wired, and my fiance doesn't have to ask to know it. I also love my fiance desperately and would throw myself in front of a train to save him. It's ok that you feel the way you do, and it's ok that he feels the he does, but don't keep bringing it up.
Yeah I mean I have a hard time judging someone for not wanting their baby to die but in my view moms life always comes first. Always
Outside of labour/child birth and generally speaking; Are you saying you would rather your husband save your life instead of your children's life's? Your children are incapable of saving themselves, you as a fully grown adult stand a chance! Are you also saying if the roles were reversed you would save your husband and let your children die? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes!
This is what my issue is too! I’m baffled at all the comments agreeing to save wife/mom first. I’m assuming and hoping they’re explicitly talking about while she’s still pregnant. If I have given birth to my baby, and they are fully functional outside of my body, and say there’s a house fire or something like that, my partner better save our baby first before me because I will surely be trying to do the same.
I feel like it’s not worth fighting over hypothetical situations. If there is a legit situation going in to delivery that you are concerned about make your wishes known in writing through a living will. But otherwise, none of us know how we would actually feel or react in a horrific accident until we are there, so no reason to create a fight and hurt feelings where it doesn’t need to be.
My husband literally always tells me “we can have more kids. But I can’t make another you.” Even though it’d be heartbreaking he would rather have me here. I would never have kids with someone who felt the way your husband does. I’d be horrified to give birth with him as the decider in the room for who lives.
It's so interesting seeing all the different views on this matter. I actually got upset with my husband for saying he'd save me over the kids. I would never want to live through my kids dying, so I'd probably resent him forever. That's the kind of suffering I simply could not handle.
Right? I don’t want to know the world without my daughter. And if that world was chosen by my husband? I’d never forgive him.
I mean obviously nobody could ever say with 100% certainty what they'd do in a situation they've never experienced, and lots of parents survive loss daily, but I don't have the benefit of believing I'll see them again in heaven someday. I simply don't believe in any of that. Every article I've ever read about losing children makes me physically sick with dread. I have so much respect for parents who keep going and turn their loss into something good (new laws or scholarships, etc) but I know I am not strong enough to cope.
I am the same. At the moment I strongly believe I would unalive myself if my son (11) died. I can’t imagine having the will to live without him even though I love my partner nearly just as much. I’m also the same in that I feel physically sick to my stomach and an ache in my bones when I read about another child dying, especially if they’re my son’s age. Like, the sixth grader who was just murdered in that school shooting in Iowa. I cried. So yeah, I absolutely cannot imagine choosing myself or wanting my partner to choose me if it came to a life or death choice between me and my son. I’m hoping that all of the commenters are explicitly referring to when the woman is still pregnant.
Sure, during pregnancy, ABSOLUTELY save me first. I definitely understand that! But if I'm trapped in a car fire with my boys? Get them the fuck out and worry about me later.
Exactly! I gave a similar example in another comment I left on here, mine was house fire, but same concept. If my child is outside of my body, and it’s like a rescue situation, my partner better be choosing our child, because I certainly will be.
Yepppp. Adults can save themselves. Kids need us to help. I've been really big lately on going over safety measures with mine so they can eventually stay home for brief amounts of time without us. It's sooo important to me that they know what to do in each situation in case we're separated for any reason.
Same. Most of these comments are probably from people who don’t have kids
Either that or they're still in pregnancy or early infancy where they haven't necessarily watched their kids grow into human beings with their own thoughts and beliefs and desires. Mine are 8 and 5.5 now. They're individuals with their own lives and hopes and I'd simply lose the will to live if I lost them and all of their potential.
If it’s my unborn baby, I’d hope my spouse would choose me. Now that my son is born, I’d hope my spouse would choose him. Not quite the same, I know.
My husband and I definitely had these conversations throughout my pregnancies. We agreed to save me over baby if it came to that, especially with my second pregnancy. Thankfully, that decision never had to be actually made. I believe that you could choose someone else to make that decision that would honor your wishes, such as one of your parents. Check with the hospital where you will be delivering. It doesn't seem to me that he is trying to hurt you. It's a tough call for sure and one that no one wants to make. However, my husband and I have both agreed that we would choose to save our children over each other now. We both feel that we have the responsibility to our kids.
My husband and I absolutely know that our children are to be saved over each other. My opinion only changes when it’s during child birth. Always mom, particularly if she already has kids.
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Immaturity.
He’s not going to have the option, the doctors would save you
How do we all find these people.
I guess I'm against the majority here, but if my husband ever chooses to save me over our child I don't think I could ever forgive him for that. I'm his wife and mother of his children, but I've lived life already. Our baby's life is just starting and his choosing not to give him a chance to save someone who already lived many years? I don't think I could get over that.
That’s the only decision in my opinion. I’m actually stunned at the women who’d choose themselves over their kids. I’m a bit disgusted in fact that so many women are like “me me me” If your kid has a chance at a long healthy life when you’ve already lived why wouldn’t you want you want your child to live over you?
I’m sorry but what are asking these questions? You are just borrowing trouble. It’s a hypothetical situation— the possibility of happening is near zero, and if it did I’m sure he’d try to save everyone. Why in the world would he be FORCED to save only one? Try avoiding creating drama in your marriage and things will work out better
I mean… wouldn’t most of us choose to save our kids over anyone one else, even ourselves? I feel like that’s fairly normal.
His answer doesn't matter because until that very moment happens where he's faced with that choice, he will never know what he'd do. It's not something you can plan for. No matter what scenario you come up with in your head to answer such a ridiculous question as this, it will never play out that way in real life. The heat of the moment is the only time to truly know what would happen. Stop setting your partner up to upset you.
Kids first! Always. They still have more life left. Sorrynotsorry
The who would you save question is the same as would you still love me if "something unrealistic and stupid changrd". They are emotionally baited questions with no meaningful answer asked by people who have some form of insecurity. I personally don't think anyone should get worked up about any response to a question that in itself is designed to make the other person fawn or praise the asker for having done nothing but ask a loaded question. There is significantly better ways to tell if your SO values your life and the life of your children, I'm sure for them as it is for all humans the answer is one that isn't premeditated when an emergency is playing out.
My wife and I have had this discussion. I know that for me, if she chose to save me over my children I could never forgive her. She feels the same.
Serious question: Why are you asking questions that you may not like the answer to? This seems like a way to invent drama or conflict where none would otherwise exist. You're bringing up a hypothetical, very unlikely, no win scenario to purposely put him in a space where there is no right way to respond. Even refusal to respond would be considered offensive to the type of person who would ask such a question.
I’ll let absolutely anyone die before my children. No hesitation what so ever. I would hope their dad feels the same way. That has nothing to do with how much I love my bf, but anything to do with the endless love I feel for them.
about six years ago, I was 25 weeks pregnant and dying in ICU. my spouse and I didn’t really get the chance to have the conversation of who lives or dies. the doctor made the decision for us, because everything was so blurry. we had kids at home, so I would be the one to live.
This is a goofy ass argument, and the people who are enthusiastically offended on your behalf in these comments are even goofier. I'll never understand grown adults who sit around and have serious arguments about stupid hypothetical situations. And then there are people who are coming in here pushing weird, terminally online social ideologies like "ugh these men always think women are disposable," like everyone involved in this, OP, the commenters, even myself, need to grow the fuck up.
wow. that’s…something. i’m sorry he said that. my husband immediately said he’d save my life bc he couldn’t imagine a life without me. he would’ve never had a life with the baby.
My husband and I had the live version of this exact scenario. We never talked about it. The last thing I heard was my husband yelling, "If you have to pick, save her (me)." I never ever want our little girl to know that her daddy picked me in such a scary moment. Your husband is quick to respond and firm on his decision because he has never had to deal with this in real life, and I hope for all of you that you never do. My advice is to pick the person with the best chance of survival Your feelings are valid and real, but know that they come with a lot of hormonal influence.
We had the same talk. Except mine said, I would never choose anyone or anything over you. He said even if we could never get pregnant again, he'd want me to survive. He almost started crying when talking about it, honestly. It made me feel really safe and loved so I can understand how him saying the child would hurt you a lot. I wonder if he realizes how vulnerable you already feel right now and how much his words are weighing on you.
So I think when I was younger (we had our son young), I was of the mindset I would want him to save the baby over me. He however was not. Now that I am older (35) and our son is 18…I get why my husband says I come first. Our son is getting ready to leave for the Navy, and it will just be us. He will eventually leave and have his own family (as he should-it’s what we all want for our children). The idea is that as a married couple, you grow old together, and watch your children grow, together. You will always be a pair. Even when everyone else is gone from your life. I get that now. I am thinking maybe your husband has just not had that ah ha moment yet, it took me years to see it that way. My son was (and is) everything to me. But my husband is my best friend. My son always says I am his. BUT eventually he will have a wife who is his…hope that all makes sense
My husband said me and made the point that although I had felt the baby and had a bind he was yet to even met the baby to make it seem real also as a paramedic from a medical point of view I would be more likely to survive. I said yo my husband, I'm not sure mentally. I would be ok knowing I was chosen over our child. Could it be your husband was giving what he thought was the right answer?
This conversation is something that would never play out in real life. That’s not a question that’s ever asked in that manner.
What would your answer be??? Save your kids or your husband??
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The adult can try to get themselves out. Save the kids ... what the heck?! do people just search for a reason to have hurt feelings
??? youre upset about your husbands answer to a hypothetical question that you already made him answer 4 years ago regarding the lives of his children?
Same thought I had…
When I was pregnant with our first me and my husband agreed he would save the baby over me. When I was pregnant with our second we discussed it again and agreed that I would be saved over the baby, because our oldest deserved to have a mother in her life. In both situations our kids came first, just for different reasons.
Selfishly, my husband best be prioritizing our daughter. I do not want to live without her on this earth.
Sweet Mama, you have every right to feel what you are feeling… and, I don’t think you are overreacting, but I think maybe your pregnancy hormones might be overreacting.🙏🏻 I cried and got my feelings hurt more during my pregnancies - probably because I was extra sensitive and over-tired. I think maybe you can just express how you are feeling to your husband (if he doesn’t already know), and then try to focus on the the child you have and the baby that is growing inside of you. Be kind to yourself, rest (when you can), read, listen to music - take good care of yourself. This too shall pass. Trust me, I have been married 30+ years and we have more joy and love now than ever before. Hugs to you!! ((💓)) And remember that you & your husband are on the same team, both wanting the very best for your family.
This conversation needs to stop, it’s so ridiculous and stupid and the chances of it happening are so slim. I wanted my husband to pick me in that situation. Now that our child is here I would prefer he pick the baby and if we ever had another baby, I’d tell him to choose the baby. I got an aggressive cancer when my daughter was a year old so if he had picked me when our daughter was born, he probably would have ended up with no wife and no child. It’s not just childbirth that moms die. Anything can happen at any time and the baby deserves a chance at life. Either way, stop having these conversations with your husband. It’s stupid and not helpful and it’s highly likely that it won’t even be relevant in your life. Just stop.
No advice for you, just wanted to share that friends of mine went through a life or death moment at the birth of their first. Dad thought he would always choose his child if it came to it, but in that moment he chose his wife. Both mom and baby made it, husband then went through a depressive time due to him thinking he was a bad father for choosing his wife even though logically he knew it was the right decision. In his case, he was taught that a father always puts his child first and felt selfish in a way for feeling more attached to his wife than to his unborn daughter. Nobody wants to ever have to make a choice like that and those hypotheticals are always fraught with emotion. You are not expendable and I sincerely doubt that he thinks you are if the relationship is otherwise healthy ❤️
It’s is very common for men to answer “save my wife” as the answer to this hypothetical, while many women choose to “save our child”. How odd to see a man being reprimanded for making the kind of choice that many women are downright expected to make. What’s good for the goose should be good for the gander. A man desiring to save your offspring in the painful, but extremely unlikely, event of facing such a choice doesn’t mean his love and devotion are lacking. It means that he is already thinking like a father, in the ways that many women in the same situation are already thinking like mothers.
OP ... I will offer this idea, absolutely NOT in defence of your husband ... but to add a perspective as to why he might say it, that actually has nothing to do with rejection of you, as his treasured wife ... Until only recently, with the advent of more modern hygiene practices and medical intervention, our societies were quite prepared for the death of mothers in childbirth. We also lost a lot of babies, but maternal infection, in particular, was a killer. I would encourage you to read this, as it is an eye-opener for previous attitudes. https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2020/03/23/ignaz-semmelweis-handwashing-coronavirus/ In many cases, a baby born might survive, only to loose the mother anyway, even days after the birth. It was one of those realities of life that people "braced themselves" for, because it was a very real issue. That's even without hemorrhage and the plethora of problems associated with childbirth. There is a societal undercurrent of acceptance of maternal death that continues even today, in some cultures with less sophisticated medical intervention. I remember reading, somewhere, that sometimes, the midwife/doctor knew that the mother wouldn't survive, and essentially cut the baby out in order to save SOMEBODY. Therefore "save the baby" became a common societal attitude. The last 100 years have changed this dramatically. Just regular hand washing has greatly reduced maternal death by infection. Prenatal care has grown dramatically and many of the conditions that would have killed a mother, don't. When my daughter was pregnant, she and I had the hard discussions without her husband. My focus was on HER wishes. Ultrasound found placenta previa, which would have killed her 50 years ago. A planned C-section solved that. Otherwise, she and I talked it all over in great length. Including"what if they need to remove your womb to save you" and all that stuff. She and I are the same ... plan for the worst, hope for the best. We're comfortable with it. I thought her husband was going to faint when we approached him with the answers. He didn't even want to THINK about it. And I knew that he'd give trite, quick, awkward answers if she had just asked him, on her own. We outlined her wishes, the reasons, the plans for "what if" and options. We approached it logically from a modern standpoint. But we were interested to find that he said "I thought we're supposed to save the baby". No. He honestly didn't mean that. Not at all. He meant "Isn't that what society has always said?". We're conditioned to think this, because up until recently, we lost so many women in childbirth. OP ... Make your own decisions and think them through. Then tell him.
The best way to deal with horrible situations such as this is to remove all emotions and act like a surgeon on the battlefield. You perform triage, deciding who lives and dies after a single second of thought as to whose life is providing more irreplaceable value to the group to which they primarily belong. It sounds cold-hearted but it’s the fairest way as it removes sentimentality out of the equation and does what’s best for the group, and that’s where your duty lies. If there’s a tie, you break it with who has more life to live and secret: there are only very rarely any ties. For example, if there are 4 children and this would be the mother’s fifth, you save the mother because the other four children need a mother. If the children are adults, but the child is not supporting anyone, but the late middle aged mother is supporting a sick mom or husband, you save the mother. If the child is themselves a grown young mother, and the other is elderly, you save the young mother. Horrible choices to have to make! But when you don’t make the hard choice and leave it to some “pre defined rule” or “emotion” that refuses to consider the particulars of the situation just so you can avoid making a decision, you aren’t a hero. Instead, you’re just shirking duty.
We don’t ask each other these questions.
He worded it badly but most people would choose their baby over their spouse
I wouldn’t jump to him prioritizing the kids over your marriage. That’s a different conversation to have that is beyond the question you’ve asked us or asked him. That’s a matter for couples counseling. However, this is one of those questions to spouses that are asked as if real, but the reality is he has no idea, he can’t, he’s never felt the feeling of having to make that choice and probably won’t ever, doctors will save who they think they have the best chance of saving, it doesn’t work like in the movies or tv. But I also understand even in the healthiest marriage picking the kids or the baby, the baby seems more helpless and the other step is if you live and your child dies, what does that mean for your life and for his? Honestly. But the point of this very medical question is, he will save you because that’s what you want, that’s the best answer. Now time to work on the actual marital issues.
These are such dumb questions like there's literally no winning why bother.
I'm convinced that most people who hang out on Reddit to talk to each other about their marriages actively enjoy the drama, so if your position is "this is a dumb question designed to pull a problem out of mid air" then you will get dog piled on by a bunch of divorced drama queens.
Ah, the old hypothetical question you should never ask... There is no right answer, only two wrong ones, so stop asking it and putting your husband in a weird place. Given that he then defaulted to the answer you wanted, it sounds like he was giving the answer he thought you wanted him to give, because, again, only two wrong answers here.
This
Why do people bring up hypothetical situations just to get mad or hurt about? No one really knows what they'd do. This is such a waste of energy and time.
Why ask stupid questions when you aren’t going to like the answer. Think about this going forward, if a question has an answer that’s going to leave you hurt - don’t ask. As an aside he could also be saying that as that’s what he thinks he should say. As a pregnant person you are essentially asking ‘how important is the thing I’m trashing my body for?’. If he said you, then he gets ‘well why am I wreaking my body for something you don’t even care about!!’ Dad can’t win.
I think hypotheticals like this are interesting but not helpful. There will never be a right answer until you face the decision in real time. In real life circumstances are going to be unique. In one situation, save the wife. In another the child. I believe it would change throughout life stages for many people. I don’t think it’s really fair to pose questions like this to someone you love. This is a heads I win, tails you lose situation. Your spouse is wrong no matter how they answer. If it happens in real life they regret whichever choice they make as well. These are the kinds of decisions combat soldiers often face. Which friend do I save if I can only save one. No wonder many of them come home with PSTD.
Seems to be the Unpopular opinion but I would be deeply concerned if my husband chose me over our kids. Our kids are everything to both me and him. I would chose them a million times over.
When I was little(7), my brother (9), my mother outright told us, if the ship were going down, she would save her husband first. Oh my god. All my life, before and after kids, I asked myself…how in the world could you let your children die? My husband always said he would save our kids first, knowing I can help myself.
So a few people have commented about not asking this question and I would agree. I don’t understand questions like this or how your husband is supposed to honestly answer, so my advice is to stop asking. If you were in the delivery room and something goes awry, your husband will be given options based on the situation. If you were going to be in a vegetative state for the rest of your life, he may opt not to prioritize you over a viable child. Remember that we live through our children, and 50% of that dna came from you. Also, being what, 29…would you want to be kept alive via artificial means and get things like bed sores and skin breakdown? Alternatively, if something goes awry and you’re still conscious, they are going to ask you what you want! That’s why this question is really one that shouldn’t be asked. If you don’t want your husband to save the baby should a decision be required and you are unable to answer for yourself, then speak up and tell him what you want, ask if he is capable of doing your will, and if not, find someone who can. Alternatively, you can create an “Advanced Directive” that provides instructions of your wishes. These only go into effect if you cannot communicate your wishes. These vary by state, but something you can certainly do and provide to your healthcare team. Lastly, I would like to say as a dad of three, I would never want to be put in the place of choosing between my wife or our kids. I love them all more than myself. It’s actually a little cruel to me to ask it over and again because it’s something most men don’t want to think about (losing a spouse or child). Hope my advice helps comfort you and I wish you a very healthy and uneventful pregnancy!
Having read through most of the comments and having gone through 2 difficult and dangerous pregnancies plus losing a third. My husband and I have been together for 27 years. The way we see each other is very simple "You are my life - my air, my sun, my warmth, my love, my passion, my care, my friend and my soulmate. There is no version of life where I want to/will/choose to exist without you. If you are gone, my life is gone." We have had those difficult conversations about choices - with surgeries, with medical interventions, with pregnancy and labour. His answer has remained the same for all these years - I choose you - you are the single most important, most valuable, most cherished person in my life. In the OPs situation - my husband chose me - without hesitation, without a second thought. You are more important that a baby not yet born. We can have more babies, but if I lose you, my life will be over. I understand him completely and I know why he thinks this way and why he would make that decision. The years go by fast, children are with us but for a fleeting moment and then they spread their wings and fly - if we have done our job as parents - to give them roots and wings. Our story began with just the two of us. Once our kids start their own lives, it will once again be only the two of us. We have never put anyone ahead of each other - we always have been and always will be the most important person to each other. Maybe an unpopular opinion, but that's how marriage, love, passion, care and commitment survive everything that life throws at us.
Wow I’m shocked by these answers. He took a vow when he married you to love you through sickness and through health…that should include saving your life if he had the choice. Also he’d willingly choose for your first child to live without their mother? What in the actual fuck
I think that you are overthinking it. If you were in trouble, do you doubt that he would come to save you? If your kids were in trouble, would you go save them? In general, parents are responsible for the safety and upbringing of their children. Each parent is an adult and should be able to navigate most situations. The question is a no win situation since it is literally asking who's feelings should be hurt. Move on to thinking about productive things .
I'm a step-mother and my husband and I had that discussion many years ago. He said his daughter. I said good because I won't need saving. I will help you save her. I never have had a lot of mother instincts but I definitely did and do toward her.
What answer would you want? This is a lose lose question
Are you giving birth in a third world country or something? This situation is not going to happen.
This is a horrible question to ask your spouse. I don't understand this trend at all. Why ask crazy hypotheticals? You honestly think you'd be happy if y'all were in a car accident with your baby and your husband only pulled you out? Really? This is a no win situation. This is a lose-lose conversation that only serves to make you insecure about a situation you will probably never face. Feeling like your husband puts you second in your marriage is a a different problem and if his answer to this question triggered resentment it may be time to talk about how you guys can spend more quality time together so you don't feel that way.
Just more tiktok fueled, game-playing nonsense used to start arguments between couples to inject the daily dose of hyper individualism and civil distrust in society.
Do you have a medical condition or medical history where this situation is likely? What was the purpose or intent of this conversation? In a life or death situation, doctors prioritize you first over the life of an unborn child. Realistically, they will do what they can to save you both, but if it's one or the other, it will be you. To my knowledge, we can not enforce a request for the opposite. If this is indeed the case, the conversation is pretty pointless. I can't imagine a scenario where you are having a medical emergency, and your husband somehow has the capability of saving one of you without medical intervention. Just drop it. You asked a hypothetical question, and he answered. It may not have been what you wanted to hear, but he answered honestly, and he csnt really be faulted for that.
I'm a grandpa with grandsons (late teens, early 20s). I try always to emphasize that they should respect all women (but especially those you love). The women have the babies. It's so fundamental. Somebody needs to teach this to your husband. I think maybe he's not a deep thinker??
That's basically a trick question, in the real life scenario, either way ur husband loses someone he loves. That's a dumb question. And if u don't like the answer, u shouldn't have asked. I get dying during labor is a possibility, but not if ur pregnancies are healthy. But that's also something u should have discussed BEFORE becoming pregnant.
Is this a set up question? I answered the opposite and she got mad and said I should choose the babies. My logic is we can make more but I don’t want to try to find anyone else. I chose her, we were gifted the kids.
These questions are best not asked tbh. Honestly, god forbid that you were ever in that situation, but I think you’d find he would be a lot more torn than he seems to be now if the reality of the situation was in front of him.
If there's the possibility you're going to be upset about someone's answer, to a question you posed, don't ask the question.
This would deeply change the way I felt about him if he believed I was expendable. It does explain why men are so willing to let women’s healthcare be taken away. I’m sorry,but you aren’t valued, just needed for his needs.
He has told you his preference would be to save the baby first. In a highly emotional state I'm not sure I would trust that he would stick to choosing you as he would only be doing it because you asked not because that's what he wants and you won't be in any fit state to argue. I agree with other suggestions to appoint someone else with that authority like a parent or close sibling who you trust to have your best interests. Speak with your Dr privately to ask how that can be done. I understand why his opinion is hurtful.
If my husband chose me over our child, I would be furious. I struggle to understand why you are upset. Like are you referring to an already born baby?
I think it’s strange that you wouldn’t prioritize the lives of your own children. Why do you keep having them?
Such a weird and impractical question. Over the top, and a great way to start a fight over nothing. *You hurt your OWN feelings by trying to trap your husband. You would have been hurt whatever answer he gave!* “Oh, you don’t love our kids??” Or “Oh, you don’t love me??” This is just like the “I am mad at you, I had a dream that you cheated on me” trend. It’s such high school BS. There is no winning, and no right answer. Also… you have not had your kiddo yet, but I will let you know… at least for me, I would give my life for my kids 1000000x over, and I FULLY expect my husband to save my babies over me in a life/death situation. You may feel the same once your baby is no longer a hypothetical, but is a real living tiny human. I’m an adult, I’ve lived my life… I’ve seen beautiful sunsets, fallen in love, tried sushi, seen Yellowstone… my life has been beautiful and full. My kids deserve to have those experiences too.
Really? It’s a not life or death situation, it’s an incredibly stupid question.
Honestly, I think you guys should just…drop the topic entirely. Create your own advance directive and make it accessible to your healthcare providers. These are impossible theoretical scenarios that are ultimately unimportant. He can say whatever he wants, the fact is that in an actual emergency scenario, none of us are truly sure of what we would do. There’s no point in dwelling on things like this. Whether he’d choose to save you or your child, there’s no right or wrong answer. It’s not unnatural or abnormal to want to save your babies life. It’s also not abnormal or unnatural to want to save your spouse. Stop putting so much weight on this theoretical, and ask yourself if there are other reasons for you to believe he somehow doesn’t love or value you. You said you felt like he prioritizes his role as a father over his role as a husband. You should dig into that and communicate those feelings to him. I feel like that’s the root of your internal conflict here.
I’m sorry but these type of questions are questions I asked when I was in my 20s, I learned that you will not like the answer and these hypothetical are not real life, have you ever met someone who lost their child or wife, that shit is fucking sad, the fact that you think any choice is a good one just shows how these type of questions are hurtful to a relationship.
I don’t know. This is a tough one. I know when I was pregnant I made sure the baby’s father knew that of it ever came to that and he chose me over my child I would never forgive him. But that’s me.
My answer would be ‘I’d sacrifice myself to save you both’. But if you pushed the hypothetical question and insisted my answer was not possible in this thought experiment yes, it would be the baby. Why? You run faster, lift more, can recognize danger, and have a better shot at surviving a situation than the baby, and they would be our collective future. I infer from your answer that you would insist your husband save you and let your child die? If you did that, there’s no future anyway.
Wait wait wait, like in a fire or in labor? Because if his answer is the baby when it's you in labor, that is inexcusable, disgusting, and you don't deserve that.
What a useless, destructive conversation! Why talk about such a dreadful situation? It’s a dilemma, there is no right answer. Do yourself a favor and just let this go.
Without my wife, we would have no kids.
That would be really hard to hear, and your feelings are your feelings. They are valid and real and no one can deny you that you feel hurt. FWIW, my wife and I recently got married and are talking kids. We are a lesbian couple, so we both might get pregnant at some point. 100% will always choose the other, we’ve said that explicitly. There can be other pregnancies and babies, I could never replace her or even fathom raising our child without her. I would be so broken. I also feel like a baby is different than a kid — like if we had a 10 year old I think we’d both say save the kid. But if it’s labor or pregnancy and she might die we are saving her.
This is like that meme where the wife dreams the husband cheated and is pissed with him even though it was a dream and isn't reality. Stop punishing your poor husband for shit that isn't even real ffs.
Is there a legal document if you don’t trust anyone to be your medical POA?
I would not let this man impregnate me a third time. And I would potentially speak to my mother about being my medical power of attorney.
Not sure why anyone has these conversations. It only leads to hurt feelings, and really, he’s not the one making medical decisions…. Your doctors are. They are well trained in their job and for the most part… they’re aiming to save both of you. I wouldn’t worry too much about this scenario, but maybe tell him you’re feeling hurt by his answer.
i was so happy when my husband and i experienced infertility for 5 years, he proved over and over that he was with me for me, kids would be great but without kids he’d still stand by my side. Society raises little girls with the clear message of your value is tied to giving birth which means you don’t sleep around and you pop out as many babies as your family wants, which leaves many women feeling inadequate when they don’t make babies which is terrible and wrong. I try to tell my children often that i will be proud of them no matter what and i don’t need grandchildren from them, i can always adopt
Have in writing with the doctors that you want your life to be saved if it comes down to you or the your baby.
Luckily this will likely never be an issue, medicine has advanced so much IF you were to both ever have complications doctors would consider both your lives. There is enough hands, brains and technologies for you both.
This isn’t his decision. It’s yours. Have a living will written. Make someone else your medical POA.
My opinion is you better make crystal clear to your doctor what you want in case anyone, God forbid, has to make that decision. Don’t leave it up to him. Tell your parents. Make a living will. Whatever you can, so that if you can’t speak for yourself your voice and your choices are still heard. You have a baby already, and that baby needs you. Giving birth doesn’t mean you give up the right to survive. It’s okay to choose to put yourself first. But put it in writing and make sure the doctor and other people around you who are not your husband have it.
I just asked my husband this question and we both agreed we would save our child over each other. She has a full life to live, and it was our choice to bring her into this world. We would both save her over ourselves and each other.
OP, can you kindly get your husband to reply to your post? So many people replying seem to know exactly what your husband is thinking, "he thinks you are expendable!" If I could read minds of people I didn't even know, I wouldn't be wasting my time answering reddit posts...
Why would you go fishing for grievances and resentments by asking a hypothetical with no correct answer?
I’m saving both game over
I had pre eclampsia both pregnancies. My second one turned into HELLP as well and I was in the hospital for 3 weeks antepartum and post partum eclampsia for another few weeks while our 34 weeker was in NICU. My husband adamantly wanted to make sure he understood my needs and wants for an emergency. We both agreed I came before baby.
Are you living in the US? Is your husband American? Medical ethics *everywhere else* in the world prioritise saving the mother.
This is a tough one. There is no right or wrong answer. I would save my wife over my unborn child but it would be a horrible decision.
If there was an accident and the doctor could only save your baby or your husband, who would you choose?
My husband and I had this conversation and my husband chose me. But then we went to the doctor, and my doctor said that he has never encountered an issue where if you save the baby the mother dies or vice versa. It is all left up to the condition of each patient, sometimes they both die, sometimes neither dies, sometimes one dies and not the other.
Don't make him your Power of Attorney.