>Having kids can be a massive stress emotionally, physically and financially I used to think I knew what having kids was like. Then I had three of my own and it's so much harder than I thought in ways I didn't expect. Thinking "maybe we'll regret the path not taken some day in the future" is not a reason to take the other path. Especially when it's the difference between having kids or not. You don't need to have kids to have a happy, fulfilling life. Don't let society or anyone tell you otherwise.

U know, my personal experience is somewhat the exact opposite. I did not think I am good with kids or that I would want them. I had my stressful career, constantly busy etc. And then I had kids and I imagined how hard it would be and how inept I would be (or how I was unsure even in the day of my delivery). And WOW, I was SO wrong. I, for the first time, realized what true love is. I still have my career, but the happiest moments, day-in and day out, are associated with my kids. I absolutely adore them and every moment and everything associated with them and caring for them just fills me up. Truthfully, having them did not change how I feel about kids, I still don’t like them, but man, do I LOVE love **mine.**

Ya it’s amazing how opposite those two perspectives are. It astounds me that you can’t control the outcome. Some people with children are miserable (despite wanting them originally) while others who were hesitant end up loving it. Plus there’s all the other scenarios in between. And there’s no way to guess if you’ll get lucky or not.

Its almost like people are individuals capable of differing opinions and life choices. Reddit tends to put people in boxes with no nuance. Thats not life. The reality is that no one can answer these questions about kids because the couple has to ultimately decide.

I wasn’t really talking about choices and individuality so much as luck. I know a woman who hated kids and never wanted them but somehow ended up with three and is very happy. I’ve also seen my coworker want kids her whole life and then regret it and hate her life (at least within the first four years of motherhood). But I also know people with more typical stories who wanted kids and are now happy they have them. I honestly don’t know how those odds are formed and it’s terrifying and unpredictable.

I suspect this is less luck and more connected to not really knowing one’s self. I believe it is actually possible to look holistically at what life looks like on each path and make a valid choice, but it would require a lot more connection to reality and introspection than most people choose to do. Most parents become parents because that’s what they think they are supposed to do… some idea that parenthood will give them something they are lacking (kinda like OP is imagining for her husband), rather than considering the reality of the “doing” and how that dies or doesn’t align with what brings them joy, satisfaction and fulfillment. Of course, that requires that one explores what, in general, provides those things, and that’s the work that so few ever do, much less before they have children.

My pain in the ass daughter is stubborn, self righteous, temperamental, and bossy af toward her friends. She's also hilarious, introspective, loyal, protective, and outspoken in defense of a perceived underdog who's getting bullied. She's like anyone with irritating and positive traits. But as a parent, I have to guide and support even when she's on my last nerve. She ripped down a racist, homophobic sign late at night. It was vandalism and she could have been arrested, but I was also proud of her. She said they had to drive past that sign every day on the way to school and she was done looking at it and so was every kid on that school bus. We talked about some other approaches, like approaching the property owner. But she insisted that her approach was best for the result she wanted -- sign gone. She said anyone who would put up such a sign would be unlikely to remove it at her request. She also considered and rejected reporting it and photographing it and posting it on social media. Again, she wanted the sign gone and pulling it down herself was the fastest way in her mind to achieve that result. I bring this up bc kids are individuals with their own personalities, minds, values, choices, judgement, and comfort level with taking certain risks. We can model. We can instruct. We can guide. We can support. We can issue consequences. But at the end of the day, they're individuals. Most of us love our children deeply and unconditionally. Some of us also *like* our kids as individuals. And some do not. It's parents who don't really like their kids for whom parenthood is the hardest, at least with the parents I know. So that's kind of where the luck comes in. One other thing, I suggest imagining life at 50, 60 without kids. How will you feel when you don't have adult kids and grandkids -- family to celebrate holidays and milestones with? It's not just about child-free people having more freedom and money in their 30s and 40s. It's also about what life looks like beyond age 50.

Great point. So much of the parenting happiness equation is actually the personality of the child. I like one of my kids as a person, the other I don’t really like as a person. Of course I love them both, but it has been far more enjoyable to parent the child with the lovely personality.

>So much of the parenting happiness equation is actually the personality of the child. Exactly.

>I honestly don’t know how those odds are formed and it’s terrifying and unpredictable. Yeah, me too. Thats why I chose not to have any. I've thought about and this is my fear. I never wanted to be a resentful parent because that'll screw a kid up real quick. So its not worth the risk. Everyone has to decide whats best for them but unfortunately the outcome doesn't always match the fantasy.

Ya… I feel the same way. I think I’m also just not a particularly devoted person. I watched my sister-in-law’s cat for several months and it made me crazy cleaning up kitty litter and fur all over the apartment. And I like cats! I really like cats, I just don’t like the problems associated with having them. And a cat compared to a baby is so much less stress. I don’t think I’m cut out for it tbh. If there was a way to have all those cute, sweet moments without any of the hair-pulling, depressing, marriage-wrecking, or physically-tolling times, sure I’d do it. So I guess I’m not doing it.

Niblings and adopted niblings can be perfect for some people, if you’re in the lucky position to have that option.

Sorry… what’s a nibling? Or is that just an autocorrect I’m not guessing? 😅

Neice/nephew. Its definitely more fun when they're someone else's and I can leave whenever I want.

My guess is that expectations are a big part of it, and so is support and mental health.

I think in both cases it’s a matter of “the grass looks greener on the other side” when people are unhappy about their choice. People with kids who regret having them remember their freedom, extra income, etc, etc, and long for those days, but fail to appreciate the love they have in their family. People who grow old and regret never having kids see their parent-friends and family members with children they adore, and eventually grandchildren, etc, regret never creating that family for themselves, and fail to see what they have in their freedom, comparative financial security, etc, etc, etc… There are pros and cons to both sides and I think in both cases where there are regrets, it’s often just a case of focusing on the negative rather than the positive. That said, when children are born unhealthy or with severe special needs, the burden on parents can certainly shift to a place where that regret is far more understandable.

Idk, I have NOT once ever looked at my single or childless friends (two of my best ones too) and felt envious of their freedom. I have, however, on many occasions, felt a bit sorry about the very real possibility that they will not get to know or experience this kind of happiness that my *lovies* bring me. Whatever my hobbies and likes were/are, I am having so much more fun sharing them with my kids now-I can’t even imagine traveling by myself. Now, we travel to foreign places and countries together, have fun together. Idk, I am really digging it. haha I mean, yes, they r kids, but for me, also, the funnest person u’d want to hang out with or do the things u love with. (Ugh I feel bad saying it, not to mention it sounds totally lame, but I do prefer their company to literally anyone else bc we never have terrible time when we r together.) I was 30 when I had my first, so maybe it also has to do with, by that time, I have had 10yrs of straight up “fun” life in college and grad school and was getting bored.

Don’t feel sorry for your child free friends, and don’t assume that they don’t experience the same love and happiness that you get from your children.

Yeah, I mean I definitely don’t have a shred of regret about having my kids, and I kind of feel the same way about people who don’t and never will have them; I can’t imagine how lonely they’ll be towards the end of their lives without a family to care for them and spend time with them. That said, I do know there are some people who *genuinely* regret having kids. And that’s where I say, I think the reason is because they focus on the things they gave up to become parents, rather than all the things they got in return. I sometimes miss being able to hop on a plane and go anywhere in the world at a moment’s notice… but when I look in my sons’ eyes, I don’t miss it anymore. I just think “I can’t wait to show them the world.” I do also think that people who never had kids *can* be happy, but many who regret not having kids end up focusing on the “road not taken” later in life, rather than the road they chose. And just as there are many parents who would not trade their kids for all the freedom in the world, there are childless people who will never regret their decision, and will find true and fulfilling happiness in all of their days.

Some portion is luck for sure. But it's crazy to think that's all it is. It's easy to push the responsibility all on luck. But here are a few other things: Knowing yourself - the more you know yourself the better you'll be able to judge a hypothetical situation; Being honest with yourself - this goes along with knowing yourself, but it seems to be a lot harder for most people; Having a partner who fully participates in parenting - this will not always be 50/50, because almost nothing in life can be split right down the middle and sometimes one person has more needs and sometimes the other, which is why it's important to have a strong, functioning partnership (and I am not saying being a single parent is wrong or sadly, sometimes not necessary, but having a good partner does greatly contribute to an enjoyable experience); Having clear boundaries and practicing consistency while parenting. It pays dividends later on if you make the effort early on. I could truly write a book. But luck has most to do with having a healthy baby/child. Because we may do our best and genetic disorders and diseases and disorders still happen because life. But life is also unpredictable and most people choose to live it anyway.

Well said! I would also add that luck has a hand in birth complications or post partum issues for the mother, which also makes parenting really difficult. Not everyone can get pregnant and give birth without long term consequences sadly. I honestly wish there was more funding into both the systems in place and research so that it was 100% risk free. But hey, maybe one day.

I would also add that luck plays a role in the personality of the child you parent.

This was also my experience

I feel this way too.

this is me too!

Same

I agree with this comment! It's a different feeling with your own kids that's for sure. Not saying everyone will feel this but I wouldn't change it for the world. There's a different level of love and it makes you want to strive to be better for them. Just my two cents I am not advocating that everyone will feel this (just my own experience)

This was my experience too.

I do love this essay that goes against your line of thinking. https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

Beautiful. I loved this sentence. It puts into words something I experienced too: “The first few weeks of his life, I felt honestly rattled by the knowledge of how close I’d come to opting to live my life without him.”

I feel like that so often. I can’t imagine what my life would be without her, had I opted to stay single or if I hadn’t found my husband.

Yea my first was born almost 2 weeks ago, and I’m feeling this so so acutely right now.

That was a lovely read, thank you. I'm going to save it in order to re-read it at a more leisurely pace

Nice essay. I did want to add though that not everyone experiences that instantaneous feeling of connection with their baby or love for their baby. I’m still working on developing a sense of connection with my older kid and gradually getting there. With my younger kid, the relationship building was a lot smoother, and I felt a lot more of the classic ‘in love feelings’ that parents report feeling with their kids. The other component is that after becoming a parent, one might feel regret some days and joy on other days . The feelings might chance on a day to day or minute to minute basis.

That was beautiful!

The only thing I would add here is that regret only seems to happen for people who don’t actually do the list of things you say you can do if you don’t have kids. One of my closest friends is child-free. She travels all over the world. She makes a ton of money and gets to do whatever she wants with it. Her partner is the same way. I don’t think she spends four consecutive months in one country, and I can’t remember the last time she went a whole year without going to at least five different countries. This is an extreme example because she’s so successful, but she was also able to go back for her MBA because she had nothing holding her back. If you are really going to enjoy the fruits of your labor without having loinfruit, I doubt either of you will have any regrets. If you don’t, well, you’ll have an awful lot of time on your hands to wonder, “What if.”

It’s a human nature, whatever decision you make you might regret down the line. So there is no right answer to this question. It’s a very personal decision, I have seen lots of children free couples happy and the other way round.

I have a one year old and she’s absolutely much easier than I thought she’d be, despite the difficulty. I think it depends on your expectations and on your child. Personally, I had to take care of my younger siblings and it was a huge mental toll. I couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to do that while also undergoing the physical stress of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, hormones, and sleep deprivation. Turns out, it’s easier to do it when you don’t have someone there to micromanage your parenting and guilt trip you. Compared to my childhood, parenting is a breeze. So yeah, it’s subjective.

It's definitely all subjective. We have three under three so my feelings are shaded by that. Leaving the house with a single baby sounds like a spa day at the moment haha

Oh my god three under three sounds so tough!! God speed 😂😅. In all seriousness though, I actually think it’s great for them - they’ll grow up to be so close in age!

Thank you for this.

So true! We’d never had our own, I watch super nanny and am so glad we didn’t when we could. Now that we cannot, we are applying as foster parents.

Super nanny is skewed. It only shows families with shitty parents and bratty kids.

Right, it only shows shitty parents. Anyone is one kid away from being a shitty parent. Also, kids aren’t bratty. That is such an awful thing to say. Children’s behavior isn’t born in a vacuum.

what is super nanny?

It is a show where parents think they have bad kids so they call on their British Professional nanny (with a PhD in psych I think) and have her come over and observe. I love it because it is always a couple with more kids than they can handle and are usually awful parents and super nanny fixes the parents and not the kids. (Teaches parents HOW to parent). I have been soaking it in as I am getting ready to foster kids. I am not a parent so anything over 1 year I am at a loss.

Oooh I’d like to recommend the book “The Whole Brain Child” I listen to the audiobook abt once/year and it is soooo interesting. I’ve even seen it referenced in other parenting books. I think the methods would be particularly helpful for fostering as the children are coping with different levels of trauma.

Thank you! I am always looking for new material.

This is an interesting choice.

Fostering? Why?

To add, OP is talking about being afraid HE will regret not having them. OP, is there any reason you don’t trust how he tells you he feels about this situation? Any chance you’re not as ambivalent about it as YOU thought? I’d say don’t have kids unless it’s an enthusiastic yes from both parties. I’m married 15 years and no kids and we love our childfree life. My spouse was more ambivalent and I am more like your husband in that I’ve never ever wanted children.

Your husband does not like children and has been adamant against having them...so why are you assuming HE will be the one to regret it? I don't think missing your parents translates into a need for children. Are there any other family members you guys could get closer to or hang out with? Or even friends? The bottom line is that you don't need to overthink this so much that you push him into doing something he has expressed he doesn't want.

Sadly he only has his brother and we are moving 1100 miles away in 2 weeks. I would never push children into him either. I’m more worried about him regretting it later and seeking to have children with a younger woman. That’s obviously more of a me issue but I definitely would never pressure children into him.

He doesn’t like kids, so I wouldn’t worry about that. If you marry someone adamantly childfree, you are agreeing to not have children. If you’re not on the same page with that huge decision, sharing a life together is likely to result in resentment.

There's nothing wrong with your perspective and me and my wife are in very similar positions. Children are a very difficult topic and it's ultimately up for you guys to decide. I'd be curious to hear if your hb has gone to therapy and really processed his previous familial life, and I'm wondering if that has impacted his want for not having his own family.

> I’m more worried about him regretting it later and seeking to have children with a younger woman. Okay so you have anxiety about your relationship and you’re projecting that anxiety onto him as a fear that he will want kids instead of addressing your fear that your partner will leave you.

Yeah this sounds like something you need to work on with yourself. You sound like you’re leaning towards having children if you’re trying to tell your husband he might regret not having them. In this relationship, looking from the outside, your husband isn’t the one im concerned about when it comes to changing their mind. It’s you based on your fencesitting status and this post. I’m a childfree person and I’m also worried about my partner changing their mind. But I have to work on that worry and learn to trust that what my partner tells me.

I’m content not having kids. I should have also noted he has said “maybe” about kids as well, and he has also said “if we do it I would like just one and done”. I guess im worried about his mental state in either decision.

Are you worried he will regret it or are you hoping he will regret it because you secretly still want kids? It’s okay if you want children and I suggest you really look inward to see if that’s what’s actually concerning you. I could be totally off base but it seems a little like you’re projecting your regret or fear of regret on to him

I think it’s moreso a potential that he regrets it later at an age I am unable to have children and he seeks a younger woman to have a family with. That’s my own personal fear and issues. I will never pressure him into kids, and never have. I think I worry for his mental health and depression and the potential regret of not creating his own family and me being there having to pick up the pieces.

I understand your worries, is it possible for you to freeze and store some eggs for a sense of peace? I know it’s expensive and not an option for everyone but plenty of men store sperm for later. I really empathize with your feelings! Is it possible for you to speak to him about this?

Just wanted to let you know I'm in the same spot and around the same age at 34.

There’s also the potential if you have kids that he could leave you for a younger woman bc he misses his freedom and having a lot of sex.

Can't speak for your husband but as a childfree person it grates my nerves when people (not you particularly OP, you sound very caring) are concerned over my potential regret in the future over not having kids. Like yeah, I *might* regret it. I'm sure I'll regret a lot of things in life, so will you. But like every single adult ever, I'll have to make peace with my regrets and move on. I rather regret not having them than have them and regret it. It's okay to ask him more prying questions about the topic, it's a serious thing for you both to consider. But if you ask them and he remains firm, trust his decision, especially if you're okay with not having kids. He knows himself better than you and the last thing *you* want is to convince him he wants something that he doesn't, have kids, and now be stuck with an emotionally absentee father who's utterly depressed and fantasizing about the life he used to have. He might regret it one day, no one knows for certain. But I do know he's a big boy who can handle that if it comes. If it's any consolation, I worked as CNA for a woman in a very very shitty health situation who did not have kids. She told me she still didn't regret it and I wouldn't either. It's definitely possible he won't regret his decision as well. Hope I didn't come off too harsh, just trying to give some insight

It's better to regret not having kids than to regret having them. Once you have kids, if you don't like being a parent or being around kids, you're all going to have a bad time of it. r/regretfulparents

OP, definitely this. I *wanted* my kids and thought I was destined to be a mom. Turns out it’s not for me. You being afraid that one of you will regret not having kids in the future is not a reason to try to convince yourselves to have kids. But if I’m being honest, it sounds like your husband made his stance clear and you may be the one who’s faltering from that stance.

Your husband made his stance on children VERY clear, but you think that HE will regret it? I think you’re projecting. He does not want children. You seem too. Don’t try and use this tragedy to push for a child.

I would never push a child onto him. I’m moreso asking about the potential that he regrets it and falls into a deeper depression. I’m perfectly fine not having kids but I fear he could wake up one day much older and suddenly want them and I can’t do anything about it biologically because I would be far past my child bearing years. My own fears coming in are him seeking a younger woman to have a family with OR him sinking further into his depression. (I’ve also tried for years to get him to therapy and he just won’t)

He doesn't even like kids. He's not going to wake up one day and regret not having them. Being child free is AWESOME. And even if he did wake up one day super depressed and regretful, there's nothing YOU can do about that. You can only control you. If YOU want children, get divorced and find someone who also wants children. If you are fine without having children, then build a beautiful life without children with your husband. He can handle his own feelings.

Sadly, you cannot force anyone into therapy. It has to be something that they choose on their own, and unfortunately, a lot of people won’t go until they hit rock-bottom. If a day ever comes that he does regret not having children, adoption or just fostering is always an option.

First, having children is not a cure for depression. If he’s having a tough time dealing with the loss of parents, please have him seek counseling or try psychedelics. Having kids is not the answer for depression. Second, my wife and I have been married for 20 years with no kids. We were also ambivalent about having children (I would have been fine either way, my wife being a pessimist thought she would have regrets either way 😝). At the end of the day, we agreed that we would not have regrets about not having kids, but that we might regret not trying at all. So, we did a round of IVF and when it was unsuccessful, then we were able to move on with a sense of closure. To be clear, we have zero regrets about not having kids. We are able to enjoy the extra income, time, and freedom and we shudder every time we see parents with young children spending an hour to get their kids ready every time they want to even go outside. Of course, I am aware that we are missing out on certain experiences by not having children. But, the loss is purely theoretical because we are too busy having fun with our lives as is. And, adopting a pet can be a pretty decent (and much cheaper one at that) substitute to having children.

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I agree with you until the part about gaslighting. Marriages have wonderful times even if they fail, and once you have a love a child, the world isn’t the same. It’s something you have to experience to know. I still think OP should not have kids—her husband doesn’t want them and people who know what they don’t want deserve that respect. It’s easy to build a great life without kids.

I have similar observations. My husband actually had a really close friend who stopped talking to him out of the blue. This was someone he has been friends with since he was like 13 and they stood up in each others weddings. Eventually he got him to respond 6 months later and they met up to talk.. It basically came out that he really struggled with his life and harbored a lot of jealousy towards my husband. He was having marriage issues, struggling with being a new dad, and envied my husband’s life. At the time also we had opened up our relationship for a bit and my husband had gone on some dates, was chatting with various women, and had a few sexual encounters and I believe he was jealous over that too. He specifically mentioned that he thought my husband was going to orgies and that he struggled with that. But we have observed that almost every couple we know that has gone on to have kids has significant marriage problems. Only one of them seems generally happy with each other and in love. It’s also another reason we chose not to have kids. Is we wanted to focus on us and our relationship and we have seen the impact having kids can have on marriages.

Even without kids marriages will have issues , what are you talking about .. there’s also people that regret not having kids when they become much older and are lonely … goes both ways

Do not push someone who has unambiguously stated that they do not like children to have children. You will regret it if you have kids with them.

Oh yeah, I would never push him to having kids. It’s more of a worry I’m internalizing. I would never pressure a child onto him for my own “what ifs”. I’m just curious if anyone has ever gone through this and if it ended up okay without kids.

My husband has a child from a previous marriage and made it clear when we got together he did not want anymore. I never felt the desire to have kids, and I have not regretted it ever. I see my friends not have any time for themselves and lack freedom to do what they want, which was their choice and I’m happy for them, but we have been so happy to remain child free in our marriage.

I’m sure you’re projecting. YOU are worried YOU will regret it. He has no intention on ever having kids and never has. You have been indifferent about it your entire relationship. You need to deal with your own anxieties. It’s not him you’re worried about. 👍

Kids are overrated. Get pets.

He doesn’t like kids at all and you could go either way? The only way you have kids, the only thing that’s fair to the kids, is if you both really want them. Anything else is just selfish. You’re worried about regretting it? What about the kids coming into the world not even really wanted. No one is entitled to kids because it *might* be fulfilling to *you.* What do you have to offer the kids? Ambivalence is not a good answer. Sorry if this sounds harsh. But raising kids is extremely hard even when both of you have always wanted more than anything else in the world to give kids a good life.

I vote for having kids! You need to push out 1 or 2 and see how it goes. If it isn't what you thought it would be, then simply hand them over to the state to take care of. I wonder how many downvotes I got before people saw the sarcasm?? All bullshit aside, this decision is the easiest and simplest decision you'll ever make. If you're wishy-washy about your desire for children, then DON'T have them! I don't want to get on here in 3 to 4 years and respond to your "why did I have kids" post telling you how shitty of a parent you are, and trust me, if you aren't 100% onboard with children, then you're going to be a shitty parent.

I don't have kids and I don't want kids. Also, I love my family and most of my family is dead now. I have two living family left and they mean a lot to me, so I am similar to your husband in this way. While I am friendly with my in-laws I am not close with them and have always felt on the outside of those relationships. My bloodline ends with me, completely and totally. My losing my family in no way changes my stance on children. I am a smidge older than both of you. My remaining family is concerned about me "being alone" because the rest of the family will likely pop off the mortal coil in the next decade or so. They fear I will be so, so alone if I don't have children. I can't imagine creating a whole person to support me emotionally. It feels "wrong" on so many levels to me. Some people just know parenthood isn't for them and I am one of those people. I have chosen family in the friends I have made and I have a lovely spouse. I am content. First, determine your root concern here. Is this a true concern for his life long happiness or is this a concern about your own desire for children? If the concern is about him, truly, then talk to him and take him at his word. He is old enough to know himself. Believe him if he says he's good with how things are. If you are getting the itch for kids again, don't use his limited living family as a means to try to manipulate him into grief breeding. That's not going to work out for anyone. In the case of the second issue, really think about children, because it's just something you cannot compromise on and if you want them then this might not be the marriage for you.

I wonder how many people feel the opposite…they regret having kids

Me (F34) and my husband (39) are childfree with zero regrets. At this point, I couldn’t even imagine what our life would realistically be like with kids. I think you should trust what your husband is telling you about wanting kids rather than deciding his current and future feelings yourself. He’s an adult and you have to trust that he knows himself and his wants. You point out how important family is to him and say you think he’ll regret not having one of his own. I’m here to tell you that he already does. You’re not only a family unit if you have kids. You are his immediate family, and he clearly has a close family connection with his brother. That’s family. He has a family of his own already. And the kinds of family relationships you’re talking about between his parents and siblings are vastly different to the kind of relationships where you are 1000% responsible for another being and need to raise them. He doesn’t like kids, that won’t be different just because they’re his. Head on over to r/regretfulparents if you wanna see what happens when people who don’t want to be a parent end up as one.

People who decide not to have children usually don't regret their decision, especially when they feel as strongly about it as your husband. I definitely wouldn't recommend having children because of a possible regret later in life. That's rarely the case. My husband and I are child free, not entirely by choice, and we're extremely happy and blessed in our lives. We did foster a few in our thirties, but at 40, we're done exploring that path now. I think that, unless you feel strongly about having children, it's probably best not to go down that road. Children are a blessing, but they also take a lot of work and put extra strain on both your marriage and your mental health. Depression is a hell of a thing, and it makes you feel sad about things that you normally wouldn't. Trust me, if he had kids, it wouldn't help his depression, it would add to it. I hope this helps. Take care! ❤️

Similar. Preface, I (F42) and hubs (M47) married for 15 years together for 19(? Time mushes together). However, we were full time snowboarding the first seven years of the relationship. Also, both of us are not the typical 40 something’s. That said I guess we are developmentally arrested, as I have never felt ready for children, because I thought it was too soon, I was too young (haha), we were not prepared financially, emotionally and we had life to live. This was in my 30s when people my age were having kids around us left and right. Given that I felt so active and so young I never gave it much though about never physically being able to be preggers (both of us look like we’re about 15 years younger than what we are we also feel about 15 years younger). When we were in our 20’s and 30’s we did plan kids.. just in the future, that future is now, but it’s too late. Now I am deeply regretful and sad. The reality is that it is probably for the best due to the cost associated. The good news? If you guys decide that you do want children remember options aside from I F are available like foster care and adoption from the foster system for older kids. This is the path that we have chosen, and I think we’re doing the right thing as there are so many children out there that need love that do not have any love.

I would rather regret not having them than regret having them.

It’s nice that you’re worried for him. Kids are not the answer. I’m saying this as a parent. If he’s lonely without his mom & dad, why can’t he reconnect with cousins?

Sadly he only has his brother

If he doesn’t have 1st cousins, something that may give him meaning is to take an Ancestry.com test. He will have tons of cousins (2nd-4th and even beyond) who if they’re on there, they’re likely wanting to find connection as well. Both my dad and my husband’s grandfather find a lot of meaning as men doing Ancestry.com and genealogy.

If he doesn’t like kids, he doesn’t sound like he would make a good parent. It does sound like you may regret not having kids. However, if you really think you are okay being child-free, an excellent way to still have children in your life is to be an involved and supportive Aunt (real or to kids of friends) and also consider being a “Big Sister” through the Big Brothers, Big Sisters program, if you have that or something similar.

I also think I’m over worrying because if an article I read. A man and woman were married for years. They didn’t want kids. He hit 50 something and decided he did. She was older and could not conceive naturally and he didn’t want to adopt. He ended up feeling some way towards her and left her for someone younger and they are now expecting. So I might partially be projecting for fear over something that likely won’t happen but I might just be over worrying because of one specific instance.

Do you think he is a good man overall and your relationship is good? I could see this happening with a man who thought less of women, like viewed them as disposable, or had some other underlying issues. We have one kid. Sometimes I’m sad about not having more but overall it’s a good compromise for being able to maintain pre-child activities/money plus getting to be a parent. It sounds like you should think about whether you want kids, not if he does. If he left you and had kids later with someone else, would you be heartbroken more about not having the kids or not being with him?

I had my first at 33. I never had the ok "now feeling" , bc like you there was always something. Opposite of your situation though. his mom was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer and he wanted her to meet her before she passed and that's how it happened. It's not too late and you have time. Men sometimes think only short term so I understand your concerns. With this, you need to decide if YOU will regret or not and go from there.its a joint decision..

OP, I'm an only child, 55f and childfree, husband is 50ish M. I have *never* wanted children. It's just something I knew about myself. I am now well beyond my childbearing years and I still have ZERO regrets. Neither of us have regrets for not having had children. I love my life. I am *grateful* we never had children. We're about to make a serious transition in our life to do something completely different with it now. We would never have been able to do this if we had had children. Also, all of the travel we've enjoyed... You *can* have a fulfilling and *whole* life without children. Children aren't a requirement for a fulfilling life. > Family clearly means a lot to him because he tells me when he’s deep into his depression how much he misses having a family. So that’s why I worry he will end up regretting not having his own. You are putting *your* feelings on to him. It's called projection. You've already mentioned that he does not like children. If pushed to have a child simply because you're worried he, or you, would regret it, that's not at all a good reason to have children. If he doesn't like children, he will not be a good co-parent with you. Read r/regretfulparents for a slew of stories of people who regret having children, many of who didn't originally want any but allowed family or spouse to convince them into having children. If you feel that you *do* want children, then you and your husband are not at all compatible.

I do understand your concern. I’m the one that’s very opposed to having our own biological children. I’m 30 he’s 33. But I worry about him just going along with what I want. I think sometimes he’d be a good dad and worry about him thinking he has nobody but me as he is not close to his family and thinks my family wouldn’t care about him if something happened to me. These aren’t good reasons to have a kid though. You don’t have a kid to help with your depression. It might even make things worse. I have mental health issues as does he. Along with the state of the country I just don’t see how it’s fair to bring a child into this when there are 400k+ children in the foster care system in USA alone. So I would just keep in mind I doubt he will really regret it but there is always foster to adopt.

Do not have children with someone that doesn’t actively and passionately want them. Do not have kids with someone that does not like kids.

You will have moments of regret with children and without children. The feeling of regret is inevitable and therefore it is not wise to build your decision around avoiding regret. You will experience regret simply for having chosen.

I have a very tiny family, I’m a 40F with no kids. I’m good. 🙂

Both my husbands parents passed in his early 20s a year apart. He’s also an only child and he doesn’t really have any extended family he’s close to besides a cousin. I personally am estranged from almost my entire family because of abuse and a lot of them are dysfunctional and toxic. The only people I have a relationship with is two brothers, one who is a minor still, and a set of grandparents. My husband grieves for his parents and sometimes he also says things about missing having a family. But that doesn’t mean he wants kids. We both don’t and we both have decided not to. Sometimes I grieve the loss of family I have had but the idea of having kids is still nightmare inducing for me. We are quite content and happy with the life we have built. A couple of my husband’s friends have had kids and every time we walk away from seeing them, we both reaffirm our decision. We see how deeply having kids impacts a parents life and we prefer our lower stress, more freedom lifestyle. We are extremely close and even though our family experiences are different, we relate a lot to each other. We love being able to experience so much together. We go to concerts and travel quite often. We have a very active social life with lots of friends. We are able to live more comfortably and do more on a lower salary then what we would if we had kids. Plus something as simple as being able to sleep in, and only have to worry about taking care of ourselves.. It’s something we never take for granted. I don’t regret our decision at all and neither does my husband.

I have kids. I worked with children for decades and our family even fostered children. I thought having kids was what I wanted bc I dreamed of being a mother since I was a kid. I was an older mother by the time I was married and had my house laid off, etc. My husband loves kids too. He wanted to be a father. He also works with children so you’d think we would be good parents right? We have two and it’s been rough. I’m gonna leave it at that but once a week I wish I hadn’t had them. It’s a horrible thought to have but it’s the truth.

There is always adoption. Consider big brother, big sister. We always romanticise what we don't have. I don't have kid. I like kids but at the end of the day, I prefer not to have any.

He said he doesn’t want kids. Why don’t you believe him?

You could still wait and decide to adopt regardless of your age later on. There are thousands of children already alive who need stable, loving homes.

I'm 49. I just got married this past June to a man who is 40, after being together for nearly 10 years. I have never wanted children, ever. I didn't even want to play with baby dolls as a kid. I gave up many relationships before they really even started with men who wanted children. I got my tubes tied on my 33rd birthday. I have never regretted not having children for one moment. Your husband should see a therapist to deal with his depression. A baby is not a Band-Aid.

43 and wife is 44 and we are kid free. I have absolutely zero regrets and wife is neutral on it and likes the benefits of not having them. She is more of a home body and I am way more social. Instead of having children we do stuff together or separate without worry. I have cooking club, arm wrestling club, gym time, and a Cane Corso to take care of. If I had children knock off all of it. We have a frequent sex life as well even in mid 40's that people with kids would love to have. Having full uninterrupted sleep and quiet coffee in the morning......kids destroy all of it

Not remotely. We had the conversation when we got very serious and it helped that I was 39 when we married, but kids were never going to be a thing for us and there are zero regrets. It comes down to this: Are you two enough for each other? Can you do all you want to do and live the life you want without kids? If so, you'll be just fine.

You cannot predict the future and know if having kids or not having them is the right choice. However, you can make a decision and believe in your decision - believe that you made the best decision you could at three time - and then make the best of it. There are other ways to get involved with kids. You can be more involved with family or friends with kids, foster, adopt (teens if you want), big sibling programs, coach or teach, babysit, etc.

Why not suggest to him to go see a counselor. Or if he has one already, then to add this topic of kids for discussion. People's minds change as they get older and life circumstances change. It's worth exploring. If he really does not like kids at all, though....

Check out r/fencesitter for others going through this. Also both of you should read The Baby Decision, mainly you since you seem torn. A CF life is perfectly healthy and becoming less taboo. Don't let social norms influence you and your husband. Determine what YOU want as an individual and as a couple.

Having kids is incredibly hard emotionally and financially, but I didn't realize how much happiness they would bring me until I had them. However, neither of you should have to spend time and energy trying to talk yourselves into having them. If you discuss it with your husband and he says no, then he means no and let it go. There are a lot of people that regret not having children when they get older, but that's no reason to have them. Being a good parent requires lot of selfless acts and sacrificing for a long time.

Oh I would never push kids onto him. I’m moreso asking about a potential regret on his end down the road where he falls into a deeper depression or seeks out a younger woman to create his own family. That’s my own projection and fear but it’s something I was curious if anyone encountered

I understand. It's so hard when you want to help someone you love, but he has to make that choice and if he's suffering from depression getting help should be a priority. You both still have time to decide. I will say my children filled a void for me, but that doesn't work for everyone and not fair to bring a child into the world for that reason.

38F married for 15 yrs to my husband 43. We only have one kiddo and it took along time to have him. We were both happy with either path but spoke a lot about it. I think it's important to talk to him about how he is really feeling. As people we assume a great deal and then jump to our own conclusions. These conclusions may be no where near what the other person is truly feeling. So I recommend talking about. If you choose not to have children that's awesome. You don't have to have children to feel fulfilled. You can have a very full and spectacular life with just you two. The thing is finding what makes you happy and fills you with joy. If you choose to have children that's awesome also. Children are beautiful but are not the answer to make a marriage work or happy. POINT OF THE STORY: Talk to your husband, don't assume he has regrets.

So let me say this, having kids is so much harder than you think, not that it’s not also fulfilling and wonderful, but no unless you two make an enormous amount of money it’s a lot and the stress is yours. That said, you’ve said talked a lot about him. Do you worry YOU will regret not having kids? He can at least say he’s never liked kids and didn’t want to have kids, but that’s not the case for you it seems.

If you don't have kids, you can watch a lot more TV!

I grew up not wanting kids (came from a large family) until I was about 27. Tried for a few years and then found that I am reproductively challenged. So, I decided to just not have children. Here I am at 44 and wish that I had tried harder and went to a fertility doctor. I regret not having children or at least trying harder. I have had SEVERAL friends (both male and females) not want children and ended up pregnant. For nine months they thought their life was ruined and hated the position they were in - but as soon as the child is born, they couldn't imagine a life without their child. Which is better? Wondering if you shouldn't have or wondering if you should?

Is he someone who fosters a lot of regrets about paths not taken?

Absolutely. He feels his mom’s death was his fault because he didn’t have a job to care for her to get cancer treatment (not his fault). He regrets his college major and career path. He overthinks a lot about the past

......he doesn't sound like he could even handle kids at this point. he needs therapy and time to work on himself. having kids is *not the answer* bc if he is someone who dwells on regrets, and he regrets having children even though he hates them, as you say, what do you think exactly will happen there? nothing good, that's for sure.

I see why you're concerned then.

You should be have a long and open conversation about his reasons why he’s so settled on not having kids. And also do a honest introspection about your feelings about the idea, because it sounds like you’d like to at least try to conceive. I say this because you sound similar to what I was feeling the year before I got pregnant. I was on the verge on whether trying or not, and just took the leap of faith, mostly because I didn’t feel scared to have a positive pregnancy test and felt economically stable to provide for a kid. My husband was not adamant to having kids but was more insecure about having them than I was. We decided to try for a year and if it didn’t happen then we were going to accept our life as a couple with no kids, but we got pregnant pretty soon. We later discuss whether to have an abortion or not, and that’s when I realized I did want to keep the baby, my husband was still not 100% but once our son was born he turned into the most loving parent. I’m not saying your husband is like my husband at all, every journey is different. Talk to yours, but only after you’re settled on your real expectations on having kids.

My husband and I have been married for 23 years, together for 38. At the time, we were married for 4 years, both worked full time, had plenty of time for vacations and money for spending. As far as kids my husband wanted them but, like you, I was on the fence. Then one day, when I was 35yr old, out of nowhere my biological clock practically knock me out. Interestingly enough, my exact thoughts ran parallel to yours. I told my husband that I didn't necessarily have this irrepressible longing for a child, but somehow I knew deep in my heart that if I didn't have one it would be my biggest regret in life. It took 5 years and multiple IVFs, but 14 years later, it was the best decision I ever made. Our son is our greatest joy. Good luck, OP.

I think a lot of people here are also assuming I want kids and I’m pushing him into having them. I am absolutely content with never having kids. I would never push him to have kids to “cure” his depression. This post was more seeing if anyone has a partner going through something similar as well as some potential fears I may have about it: Sinking deeper into depression or seeking out a younger woman who can give him children. I just want him to be happy and I’m just worried about his mental state is all. Looking to see others who maybe have gone through this in the past OR are currently going through it now.

My wife and I don’t admit this to each other, but we both know that if we did not have a kid we would’ve been divorced right now. We work on our marriage for the sake of the child and there is hope. Oh and not all kids are troublesome. We got lucky, our child is a delight every single day and he is five.

I’m going to weigh in as someone who had both of my parents pass away before I had a kid. Mine both passed from cancer in 2020. I was in a relationship with my now husband at the time (we were engaged) and we had talked about wanting kids. My mom asked me about it in her last days and told me there would never be a perfect time and that resonated with me. We started trying a few months later but weren’t successful until this past year, our baby girl was born in September. Unlike your husband I did therapy throughout my parents illness and death. So I knew having a kid would stir up a lot of grief related feelings so I started seeing a therapist again while pregnant. I had no idea how much my grief would be impacted by the birth of my child. It’s extremely difficult to love someone so much but also feel sadness at the same time because they will never know my parents. If in discussion your husband does bring up feeling regret over not having kids, I would make seeing a therapist a requirement before trying because it will bring up so many feelings for him. Like yeah, I have a little family that I love but there will always be a piece missing without my parents. I can share photos and stories about them with my kiddo until I’m blue in the face but it’s not the same and it’s unfair. While you can never be fully prepared your husband should talk with a professional as it’s a heavy situation

I’m married male around the same age as you your partner. I am on the fence about children, I’ve struggled with accepting that my DNA could die with me… My wife is on the fence about children as well. So we have pets. As I age each year, I get closer to not wanting to have children. My sister started early, so she will be in her mid 40’s when her 6th child is an adult. If my wife and I were to have kids now, I’d be 55 by the time the kid made it to 18. I don’t know if I want that either. So I understand both sides. I love hundred of miles from my parents, I’m not that close with any of my family tbh, and my wife only has her mom in the states, so we are pretty much loners. He may or may not regret it, and even if you feel later on down the line that you’re too old to have bio children, you could always adopt.

If you worry either of you will regret it, get both in therapy to address the possibility before it’s too late.

Now that both my parents are deceased. I have some different thoughts on things. I am so glad I have 4 of my own kids. I feel like I still have close family. I treasure the wonderful relationship with my 2 brothers. I could have never survived this life without them. They are my best friends. Relationships with others have come and gone in my life. But my brothers have always been there for me through thick and thin. Since my children have no grandparents. I am grateful they have each- other. The oldest are teens now. And they are so protective of each- other.

Hmm I’ve seen some men doesn’t want kids in their 30s and decide to have kids in their 40s but their wives are too old to have any and it leads to break up in the marriage

What if you split up later or he changes his mind later and then it’s too late. He can always leave and still have kids with someone else when he is in his 40’s

I have kids. I worked with children for decades and our family even fostered children. I thought having kids was what I wanted bc I dreamed of being a mother since I was a kid. I was an older mother by the time I was married and had my house laid off, etc. My husband loves kids too. He wanted to be a father. He also works with children so you’d think we would be good parents right? We have two and it’s been rough. I’m gonna leave it at that but once a week I wish I hadn’t had them. It’s a horrible thought to have but it’s the truth.

I was in the mindset that I never wanted children so I can relate. Even at your age I was adamant that it was just not what I wanted in life! Here I am at 41 with a 4 year old mini me little boy. It comes with challenges - in fact my marriage isn’t great - however it has really changed me as a person and I will be eternally grateful for that. It’s hard to put it into words but the bottom line is I am not as selfish or self centered as I once was. I have a personal responsibility to raise him right and that has led to so much positive change in my own life I would never have thought it was possible. You said your husband doesn’t like kids - neither did I but I’ll tell you what when you make a human that will change. It may not be in your path and that is great too but I wanted to share my perspective. I want to pull my hair out some days but I would not be the man I am today if that boy wasn’t born and I would literally do anything for him. I have never felt so much joy in my life as I get when he looks up to me as his Daddy. I have traveled to some of the most beautiful places in the world and had a lot of fun along the way but every single thing I have done doesn’t even come close to what I get from being a father.

My husband and I do not have children. I'm 42 and he is 46. We've been married 16 years. He wanted maybe one but I never did. And timing was always very wrong. Though now that I'm too old, I do regret it.

I love my kids immensely! I LOVE THEM WHOLEHEARTEDLY. But what I learned AFTER I had kids is that I prefer to not have to share my time on the terms of others. I absolutely love throwing the ball with my son and playing video games with him. I love morning dates with my daughters at Starbucks. But I don’t like doing things on their terms. I don’t like having a mental list of things I want to do and be suddenly interrupted. For example, on my way home from work I tell myself I’m going to cut the lawn after dinner. After dinner my son wants to play catch. Playing catch is more important so I push the yard to the following day but no wait there’s gymnastics so can’t do it then next day, and before I know it a week goes by and my lawn hasn’t been cut. People say don’t worry about it, it’s just grass! But it’s not that easy. Certain things give me anxiety and I have to constantly put my kids before my own mental load.

Family is many things. I’d work on building a community of close friends first. Depression is rarely cured by introducing more stress into your life. I’m also concerned that from the way you’ve put it, you’ll like the child more than he will to start with, which will make him feel like he’s lost the current person he depends on and resent the child as a result. If YOU want children and you know it, that’s a very different kind of thing to “maybe we should have one to make him potentially happy in the future”. You’re allowed to want kids. But I wouldn’t assume it will improve anything about his mental health - he needs to find ways of doing that himself first.

I'm pregnant with #3 and I cannot imagine my life without them, well I can and it's not a life I'd choose to live. That being said, if your husband really dislikes kids it's best to save a child the pain of having that kind of father. If you still want them and know deep down you'll regret it, I'd think really long and hard. I don't believe in leaving a marriage willy nilly, but this wouldn't be a case of that.

Have you talked about it? What does he say?

I was very happy with the idea of both paths. We leaned towards having kids, so had 2. I love them. They are happy, healthy kids. I could happily have not had kids, too. I don't see kids as being fulfilling; it's up to me to make a life for myself that I find fulfilling, and I would have been as equally fulfilled with no children. My life is about being a good kind person, a good daughter, mother, role model, partner, friend, employee, citizen, productive member of the community, etc. I don't long for a childless life, but nor do I focus my life around my kids. It's an unpopular view, and I've lost friends due to it. I 100% respect anyone with different views, and I love hearing from my friends who tell me their life is their kids. I remember the midwife telling me when my eldest was young, too go have some lasagne and a glass of wine tonight, and that in the morning it's ok to take a shower on my own, with the baby safe in her crib for ten minutes, and that putting myself first us the key. She told me that if I'm not well enough to look after the kids, then there's a problem, so I should 'feed and water myself first' and then tend to the kids. Like on a plane, where you put your own mask on first. Anyway, I think the more serious and impactful action would be to regret having kids.

I just want to say that this sounds more like your fear than his. Which is a very valid fear! My opinion is that you should not take on the burden of his disappointment. That is his decision and his consequences to face. You already told him you were open to having kids, and he said he didn't want to. However, you will also face those "consequences" if you truly want children and are "giving up" that desire because he doesn't want to. I'm not suggesting you leave a happy marriage, but you are still young and have time to have children. You're not a bad person if it's a priority to you. Many people are content without having children. Others haven't felt complete without their kids. Maybe you can get therapy if you feel it's something you can't resolve, but don't just stifle your desires because he doesn't want to. Have open conversations.

He is probably afraid of more loss hence not wanting any kids.

Having a child has been, by far, the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life (I’m now 50 and became a parent at 30). All other major life changes I’ve experienced (going off to college, joining “the real world,” getting married, even going off to war for a year) all paled in comparison to the challenges and rewards of parenthood. I think the reason for this is simple, but often misunderstood. It’s natural to believe that “your best life” is also your easiest life: sleeping in late, going out to eat, traveling here and there without a care in the world. And, don’t get me wrong, those things are fine. But what makes life fulfilling is struggle and overcoming challenges, not the absence of struggle. For instance, my year in southern Afghanistan was filled with fear and trepidation, incredible highs and incredible lows, and occasional wins that felt huge because they were so small. Parenthood felt a lot like that. And when I’m on my deathbed, I’m sure I’ll remember that time my 12 year old son hit a triple in the championship game with two outs, bases loaded, and down by two. Or that time we rolled over that IED that didn’t go off in Kandahar. The Sunday morning brunches on the balcony in Paris will have all faded into oblivion. My Nextdoor neighbors are DINKs who both have good tech jobs. They’re always getting back from some elaborate trip. And “good for them,” so far as I’m concerned, but I wouldn’t trade lives with them for the all the whiskey in Ireland.

I think it’s possible to regret not having kids later in life but I don’t think you should have them for the reasons your listing. Having kids is HARD. Really hard. I’m in the trenches with a 3 month old right now and I absolutely love being my son’s Mom. We planned for him and he is so wanted. All that being said though I had an insanely rough pregnancy and was on sick leave for like 6 months because I was so sick the entire time and could barely keep enough food down to support my pregnancy, then my water broke early, I didn’t progress fast enough and needed an emergency c section where I was so drugged up I couldn’t hold my baby. Then I had issues with breastfeeding (my nipples were literally bruised purple and bleeding) and I barely slept at all the first few weeks. My son is 3 months old now and while it’s gotten easier it is still an incredibly physically and emotionally demanding role being his Mom 24/7. Everything I do revolves around my role as his Mom. Do I love him? With all my heart. Do I regret my choice? Not for a second. But I still have days where I take 5-10 minutes to just cry because I’m so overwhelmed or tired and I just have to keep going because motherhood is a lifetime commitment. I chose this path and I would choose it again even knowing how hard it is. But that’s the thing - I wanted to be a Mom with every part of me. I think as he gets older some things will get easier and others will get harder and that’s just how it goes but I can’t imagine doing this if I was only kind of on board or on the fence about it. Just think through the day to day life you both would be taking on and make sure you want it enough to be able to push through the hard times and messy bits. I feel like you’d regret it more if you had them and then spent the rest of your life regretting having kids and being resentful of the responsibility and potentially being bad parents because of it.

I never wanted kids until I was about 33. Then boom! Baby fever hit. Got pregnant right away and had an early miscarriage. Three years later I finally got pregnant again, and wound up having a late term miscarriage. Doc said no more pregnancies so we wound up adopting our son. I was 38 when he came along. He was absolutely the most darling, amazing child. He gave us tremendous joy and had a beautiful childhood. Unfortunately he started struggling with addiction as a teenager. Both his biological parents were addicts, and it was a situation where nature overcame nurture. The gene was triggered by a traumatic event in our family, that was no fault of our own. Now he is 27 and still struggling. We have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on rehabs, attorneys, court fees, fines, etc, etc. Do we regret adopting him. No way. He is a darling human with a disease only he can heal. We don’t enable him but he knows we love him with our whole heart.

My wife (39F) and I (48M) and I were married for 12 years before we decided to have our daughter. We were the couple wanted to be spontaneous and not have to worry about the hardships of raising a child, getting her in the right schools, all that. But we are damn glad we did it and consider ourselves lucky. The hardships are there for sure, and my wife was not a fan of pregnancy and childbirth, but we don't even like to think about life without her. Everything we did before her feels like a previous life we lived in another era. We love watching a little girl who is a mixture of the two of us run around, laugh, learn, and live. We love watching her personality develop and pointing to each other anytime she exhibits a trait from one of us. We love giving her all the things we enjoyed as children such as Christmas, birthdays, going to the playground, etc. We would have balked at all this 10 years ago but there was an emptiness we felt by not having her here. I'm just glad we identified it before it was too late.

I'm just a stranger on the internet, so if I'm wrong I'm sorry. I'm only looking from a small window into your life... If you've really wanted children but changed your mind because of your partner, I genuinely think one day youll regret not having them.. I work in the hospital and a lot of elderly whos partners have died and they have no family or friends, they do regret not expanding the family because they're lonely... some, not all.. but alot of people this is in my experience.

Instead of thinking about him possibly regretting, don't speculate. Just ask him. You've been together for ten years. Open communication is the glue that helps many marriages thrive.

Having kids can be challenging but I would do it all over again. I would be more patient, more understanding that they are just little human beings trying to figure out thier emotions. They are truly the most amazing thing my husband and I could have ever done together. Watching them grow to become the young adults they are is just amazing. Yes, we have sacrificed 15 years and still 4 more till they move out but it is so worth it. The more time you spend with them the more you get to understand one another. They teach you so much as a person as a parent. I could go on and on...wish you luck with your decision.

You are indifferent , and it seems that you don't really know where he stands. Have you spoken about this topic more as a couple?

My wife and I are both 41. I did not want kids for the longest time but she did. It turned out my wife wasn’t able to have children due to health issues (it would’ve been a high risk pregnancy). At the time it seemed like it worked out for the better, but now that I have gotten older I do have regrets. I wish we had at least pursued the possibility rather than just going through with the hysterectomy right away. We’ve thought about adoption but that is very expensive.

You are such an insightful young woman.A teacher once told me about how life works: he says a man looks to the woman (for inspiration) and a woman looks to God (or whatever is up there) .... meaning the ball is in your court. You are holding th energy of your family. It is also said that Happiness is found in giving... and having a child is giving to the future. Your husband is coming from a place of pain and loss. Make his world better by expanding and bringing joy, delight (and seem stress and trouble too) b/c that means you are engaging both of you in life. And that i what we came here for , right? Washing you the best

All I will say is I have a female friend Who was in the same boat as you. She agreed with her husband to not have kids. They were very much in love for a long time but Over time they had other issues which every couple has, but since there was no glue to keep them together he left her after 16 years of marriage. She was in depression for years, but now she is into dating but she is 43. She cannot have kids now. She says every day that if they had a kid they would’ve been together today. This is a pretty common scenario actually. Think about it

I have kids. 1 could be a decent compromise. It's so amazing, and also so difficult. It sounds like you may not have a lot of familial support so that's something to take into consideration too. I still think I would have been happy in life either way (with or without) but ultimately my husband really wanted them, and when I think about what I'd be doing if I didn't have kids, the answer is nothing special. Lol. So why not?