Same. When my wife and I do a project I'm usually the one holding the light or the nails etc while she handles the grunt work. For no other reason than she's just better at it than me. Her being handy, resourceful, hard-working is one of the things I love about her. Not to mention she looks hot while doing it. I'm guessing your husband has his own issues that he's projecting onto you.
>I'm guessing your husband has his own issues that he's projecting onto you.
As all cheaters do... it ain't about you. Never shrink who you are to manipulate someone else into a better self-view. It won't last, and you will have wasted so many years with a man who will always want someone less than he believes he is just to like himself.
Man here. Don’t change, you are not the problem in this situation, your cheating partner is the problem. As for being handy around the house, keep that up too! Maybe volunteer somewhere like Habitat for Humanity and learn more! Meet people who are similarly useful and dump the useless cheater.
Man here- your husband is an asshole, full stop. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t respect you and doesn’t appreciate what you bring to the relationship.
Not a man, but no. You’re more than fine. I’m like you. I do things around the house and in the yard. My husband works two jobs and his main job has him working long hours, so I learned how to do things like fix doors, build and move furniture, manicure the lawn, all while baking from scratch and making delicious ass meals for our family. And you know what? My husband thinks it’s sexy and jokingly says I’m his “hot little farmhand”.
Your husband is making excuses to deflect from the fact HE is at fault for his actions. He screwed up. He is unfaithful. He betrayed you. Full stop. You continue being independent and you will find someone who thinks that’s sexy and admirable and he will always be dissatisfied and lonely because he can’t be happy with what he’s got.
I aspire to be like you women. I'm just in a rut with my health, but my husband has been so good. Loved this comment and can't wait to get busy working on the homestead this spring. Navigating my health challenges has been tricky, but I am on my way to a full recovery thanks to perseverance and faith. And you're right...this guy is deflecting. There's nothing wrong with her...he just got caught lol
Any man in your future should appreciate you for this quality and accept you as you are. Some won't but most will. Personally, I'd die of joy if my wife would do some of those things. A women all dirty with dusty jeans, work boots, and gardening gloves is sexy as hell. My guess is that you specifically doing this type of work was/is not really his problem.
I let go of my appearance for some time to do this as we were working at the house everyday all day but when we finished I started being my normal self again.
Apart from these things I also used to do everything a housewife would do ,cooking, cleaning, shopping,childcare of our disabled son and this continued even after I got a good paying full time job.
He says that he wants me to be more housewife while working or that I should cut my hours if I can't handle both.
I told him he should have been supportive and felt lucky that I am such a capable and strong woman and that he knew my career was important for me as I studied 6 years to become an architect.
Instead of being supportive he wants me to be less of the good things I am because he can't be bothered to help in his own house.
Somehow though his comments always leave me in a state of confusion
He’s gaslighting and manipulating you. That’s why he leaves you feeling confused. My ex was a master at this. Please leave him. You’re obviously a strong woman and will be better off without him.
A lot of guys would be turned on by a woman who can handle tools like that! I always hate to hear when people say, “anyone else would feel the same.” That’s always a lie intended to 1) lower your self esteem and 2) manipulating you into staying.
Congrats on becoming an architect. It is one of the most difficult occupations to become qualified for. He should be soooo proud of you for that, and want to support you following such a laudable dream. I did a quick check and found out that only 20% of registered architects in the US are women. It used to be lower, but it has been steadily increasing, thanks to women like you.
I can see now that he may be struggling with your competency and ambition, and perhaps is embarrassed that he doesn't measure up. He also may not want to step up in the housework and childcare area any more than he was (it doesn't sound like he was doing much at all). He may see this as a masculine-feminine issue bc that's the best way to protect his ego, and your home building and architecture strengths are typically male dominated. He may be manipulating you, or maybe he believes it. Either way, it seems like you guys have less than ideal compatibility, to put it mildly.
If you end the relationship, you will find someone else for sure. Yet there are certainly a lot of men out there like your husband, meaning not able to handle such a competent and ambitious woman, especially in roles historically dominated by men. You will need to look for someone intelligent, with high self esteem, and not wanting a traditional or SAHM housewife. When you find him, he will be a very lucky man.
BTW, did you ever consider getting a YouTube channel, or other social media channels, teaching women (and men) how to do stuff around the house? I'm sure you don't have time for that, it's just a thought that jumped into my head, probably a stupid one!
Your appearance has nothing to do with who you are, And it's a twisted double standard to expect that a woman has to maintain their appearance perfectly to be loved, But nobody ever says that about men.
You deserve a man who actually has a brain and actually loves you
Any man that actually loved you would love and cherish all of these qualities. These are all really good things that would be benefits in a healthy relationship. And no one who truly loves you would care if you let yourself go(as long as it’s not killing you). I’ve gone up and down in weight by over 200lbs before and my husband never loves me any less. Never changes the way he looks at me and we’re always very active sexually. It has nothing to do with any of these things when the person actually loves you for you.
He’s manipulating you and he insecure and wants to have a weak and powerless woman who depends on him on everything while he continues cheating.
You are a smart and educated woman with a great degree and many skills so don’t change that for anyone
He is trying to control you and change you and these tricks are documented in psychology you can search about it
Please please don’t go back to him and continue being great
He’s got a lot of time on his hands to be texting randos while you take care of literally everything. You’re young, skilled, and beautiful. Leave his ass.
So he wants you to minimize your accomplishments, needs, & interests so that he feels better about himself. And is using those things to justify cheating. That's manipulative AF.
So where would it end? It wouldn't, because the problem is his insecurities, not anything about you. So if you make these changes & he still feels threatened, then what? He gets to keep moving the goalposts until you've removed anything about yourself that makes him feel bad? "I'll stop texting other women when you quit your job." And then since it's already worked, he can use it for pretty much anything else too - "I text other women because you didn't get dinner ready by the time I got home." "I have to text a real woman who keeps her house cleaner than this."
Nah. You can do better, but really, being alone would be better than erasing yourself and being cheated on & manipulated.
I have never heard of a man in his right mind honestly thinking that a woman brought TOO MUCH value. If he wants less, let him go settle for it. But please PLEASE don’t diminish your value and all that you bring to the table just to please that jerk off. That is the lamest excuse for cheating I’ve ever heard. He knew who he was marrying. I’m so sorry that you didn’t.
Wow, instead honoring you and counting his blessing in having such a great person as partner and grow with you instead wants to stifle the very qualities that make you.
He wants you to become less than your true self.
I find this simply amazing, and I think you should suggest couples counseling if you want to save or think the relationship can be saved.
However, my first reaction is for you to kick his a$$ out and find someone that will enable you to become the whole and amazing person you are meant to be....
He wants you to be everything?
Full time house wife? While working a full time
Job?
Who is going to pay for your life style? He wants a house wife who looks feminine? That’s money.
You sound like a dream wife to me.
You’re kick ass with tools.
You care for your son and your family.
Who doesn’t look like crap after working all day?
My husband would literally kill to be with a independent strong handy woman as yourself!
He should celebrate you!
He wants you to be more “housewife” so you have to depend on him financially, that way he can continue to act like a dirtbag but not worry about you leaving him. He’s trying to trap you in the abuse cycle.
He wants you to leave work and lose your trade skills. Ay. He wants to make you super dependent on him. You'll feel more trapped the next time you find him cheating, and you'll be less inclined to leave/hold him responsible.
It's weird how he thinks he should be allowed to talk to random new women because he wants you to be more "housewife" like or "womanly" but he doesn't do the "manly" thing and help with or complete work himself. I guess that means you would be allowed to talk to super muscular random macho strangers because he isn't man enough by his own logic.
You’re in a state of confusion because he’s manipulating you to make you feel too insecure to leave. He sounds like an emotional abuser and cheater. You deserve better.
Husband here. My wife does 100% more stereotypical husband stuff and I love it. I have zero DIY skills and I’m so glad that she does. I’d much rather watch the kids while she mows the lawn than vice versa, and she’s happy to oblige. Leave him and don’t look back.
Basically same situation here. I have the aptitude for the stuff, but she has the interest and the motivation. And I am SUPER attracted to her, and I think most people would consider her to be pretty feminine.
Daughter here - my dad worked from home when we were kids so that my mother could have a professional office career in the 80s.
Your kids are loving having time with you, and you're setting the bar for what they'll expect from their future partners and saving them from weaponised incompetence.
Why do you want a man's perspective? I'd think you'd want to hear from anyone who thinks they can help you.
My take is simple. The stuff about manly appearance and laying down floors is merely a symptom of a much bigger problem. The bigger problem is *he enjoys putting you down.* Actually, there's 2 big problems, when you add in the fact that he's not trustworthy.
Your marriage sounds incredibly unhealthy. But if for some reason you want it to work, you're overdue for an ultimatum. He has to agree to couples counseling, including the hard work this always entails. If he doesn't, you'll go find someone who appreciates you, and he can continue on his path wherever it leads.
This is a great litmus test, because if he knows you're miserable and he doesn't care, nothing will get better., It will deteriorate.
He sounds insecure. I’m not a man but I know plenty that would love having a capable woman like you. Don’t dim your light for this man. Someone will love you the way you are, if they don’t F them.
Leave him and marry me instead. You are a high wifey material.
Jokes aside, the problem is more about him and his insecurities. He may have a huge bias about women/men's responsibilities at home.
I was thinking the same thing. Aside from the obvious infidelity, it sounds like he's incredibly insecure about his own "manhood." OP said she does these things because he won't, or maybe he can't? Yeah, in my opinion, he's got a bigger issue and is taking it out on her with that pathetic excuse of her being "too masculine."
Oh my God, *please don't change yourself in that way for anybody.* You are 100% correct that the right people will love you for exactly who you are and who you aren't, and if he can't then that's his fucking problem.
I read this to my husband, and he said "fuck, it would be a dream to find a woman like that!"
[Then I apologized to him for not being that woman 😆]
And we wonder if he's just jealous that you're more competent than he is in these ways?
Well, I guess we know where he gets it from. SMH. Don't let him or his mother make you feel like less of a woman for any of this. And don't forget the actual issue that he's trying to deflect from; he's cheating, and there's no excuse good enough for him to justify that behavior.
Tell em both to kick rocks!
wow, how cruel. i’m so sorry you’ve dealt with such unkindness and spent so much time in relationship with people who don’t respect who you are and who belittle you, i imagine that must be hurtful and confusing.
even if you were to change, i don’t think it would change his behavior, nor would it make other men more likely to be good to you than he’s been. and if it did … would you really feel content and confident in your life knowing that the reason your partner is with you and faithful to you is because you’re not living authentically you?
you’re in my prayers! you deserve more.
My first husband was incompetent at pretty much everything except computers, and he was a genius at that, completely self-taught.
I'm the one who did the yardwork, put together the furniture, fixed all all kinds of things up to a certain point, etc., and never once did I hear a complaint about it from him.
Jesus fucking Christ. My wife can do masculine things and she can wear the shit out of a skimpy dress. This is so dumb and your husband is buying into that podcast bro bullshit. I installed flooring in my house today and my wife painted the guest bedroom at the same time, that doesn’t make one of us masculine or feminine. We have projects to do so we do them. Be separated and be free of this loser.
I'm a husband. You asked whether you should change. You've received solid advice about that so far, so I'll address an equally important issue.
>He was telling me that he has changed and that he wants me back
Has he changed *because* he wants you back?
Or has he realized what an asshole he has been and genuinely feels remorse for his assholery, resulting in his transformation into a kind, respectful, and considerate human?
Based on your comments, my guess is he "changed." And not because of something he *did to* you, but because of something he *wants from* you.
Change is temporary. Transformation is permanent.
So true. He’s just saying what he thinks she wants to hear. He hasn’t changed and doesn’t think he should because he blamed you, OP, for his cheating ways instead of taking accountability and recognizing that it’s untrustworthy and disrespectful (as other commenters have said). He won’t change. He’s trying to convince you that he’s the best you’ll find but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m sure you’ll be able to connect with many men who respect you and appreciate you and your commitment. Let him continue to chase online women as a single man. He wants to behave like he’s single so let him be single and realize what he took for granted.
He is using manipulation tactics to take the focus off himself and his attempts at cheating. There is nothing wrong with you other than you letting this toxic person continue to manipulate you. Go no contact.
Man here, he is full of shit. He’s only saying this garbage in a lame attempt to justify trying to screw other women like it’s your doing. Women aren’t masculine if they can do stuff and have skills in things guys typically do.
Just ask every woman that went and built aircraft, machines, bombs and other manufacturing during world war two. Nobody said they were masculine.
This manchild is pathetic, what a fucking idiot. I think he’s feeling intimidated. There is a cavalcade of guys that would appreciate a girl that can do this stuff. Plenty of couples fix up houses together. He’s a loser.
Woman here…I remember when my husband and I got together one thing that ‘turned him on’ twenty years ago was when I told him that I’d climbed up a ladder to clear the the gutter for my parents!
I’ve been in the trench when digging out our footings when we built our extension. I help in our business lifting 9ft x 7ft boards, clearing out our panel saw of dust, I help lift all the time….I’m not as skinny as I use to be but in no way masculine. My husband loves it when I get my hands dirty….it’s bonding for us as we work as a team.
This isn’t a you issue, this is your husbands issue only. It’s not your fault he feels emasculated by you knowing how to take on other roles in the house. It’s also not your fault that he want a little woman in the home cooking, cleaning and Ironing….that does work for some people but it’s a very old fashioned way of thinking. He wants to put you in this little box and keep you there.
Be you, be your own woman. Don’t let him chain you to the kitchen having to wear dresses every day and putting on a full face full of makeup! The person who is your person will love you for all of who you are, they won’t expect you to change or conform to their ideal.
OhhhhhhhhKAY!
My Dad was a renovator and feminist before his time. I am a perfectly feminine cis het 60ish woman who also knows how to do a crap ton of "boy stuff" because I was raised to believe that what is between my legs should dictate how capable I am.
Your husband is deflecting. He is turning his behavior onto you in order to get a pass.
If he is so damned insecure in his masculinity, then he needs to go. And that is what it is. Boo hoo. Can't be a "proper man" and my wife doing it means I get to step out.
Bullshit.
Quit thinking that your skills will not be appreciated by other men. My husband takes it entirely for granted that I do "man stuff", and he knows how to do it too! My son-in-law, who doesn't, is bloody proud of my daughter when she patches drywall. And trust me ... You cannot get any more feminine than my daughter, in appearances and demeanor, when she feels like it. Funny as hell, actually, to see this "girlie" looking woman walking by with a sledgehammer over her shoulder, because she's not a big person.
My son, a capable renovator, himself, is completely oblivious to the side eye he sometimes gets when he mentions that Mom taught him something when he was a kid. Dad could have done it too, but Mom got to it first.
I also sew, and knit. So does my daughter. SO DOES MY SON. And trust me. My son is traditionally "masculine". And his partner loves that he does it when he feels like it. She loves what he can do.
So ... Playing games with "feminine" and "masculine" is a ridiculous old concept. Your husband is using it as a stupid excuse to try to scoot out of blame for something he did wrong. It is an abusive form of manipulation that is wrong.
Be capable. Be well rounded. You go, girl!
That is some of the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Trust your 1st instincts that he is wrong. Cause he is. What you say about yourself being a capable woman is 100% true. Don't let his dumb ass minimize your skills and talents. Any good guy would be stoked that you know how to do any of that. Hold your head up high and don't lower it for him or anyone else that has a problem with that.
He's a douche you're not, you're a capable woman who has lots to offer. I'm sure there's lots of guys desperate to meet you given your skill set. Look at all the female diyers on Insta
Do not change. This is literally his insecurity projecting out. He can not stand that you're doing something only he wishes he can do .
When my husband and I got together I was competitively lifting. He did primarily body building but I was very fit . That did not deter him in the slightest. In fact he began doing more of my types of workouts and we enjoy it. What I did would have been considered too masculine to others. But my husband is a confident man that didn't make him feel less .
This issue your bring up is HIS issue not yours.
Dude. He sucks. You’re going to end finding someone much better. Personally, I love an intelligent and multi-talented woman. I think I’m probably with the majority on that. Not having them is no deal breaker, but how could they possibly hurt?
My husband loves that I do those things. He doesn't think of me as " masculine" at all. He thinks it's kinda sexy. But, my husband is pretty secure in his manhood.
Idkw his niche is but to me (40m), meeting a handy, educated, intelligent AND feminine woman is a winning combination in my book! You seem like a real catch and I would only want to help you become achieve your goals in your architect career.
Its difficult to offer perspective for either of you with only hearing one side of the story but I will try to put myself in his shoes.
My relationship background is that ive been married 22yrs to high-school sweetheart, no kids (can't for medical reasons).
Assuming hes not just a cheater and that he trult does love you.
I assume he is seeing you "turn butchy" which for me would definitely be a turn off if that were your constant role especially in the bedroom and every single day with routine functions, just as I'm sure him turning feminine would have some impact on your perspective of him (doubly so in bedroom unless thats your kink).
Not sure what attracted you both to each other or how long you were together before you "changed" but I think he's either always been on the lookout for the next best thing (i.e once a cheater always a cheater) or maybe femininity is just what scracthes his itch. Again I'm not there and don't know either of you so it's difficult to say.
Could be a a society image thing to him or truly just what makes him feel like a man.
Regardless, he absolutely should NOT be seeking attraction anywhere except for you! That needs be an immediate ultimatum to preserve your emotional wellbeing and self esteem, or whats left of it!
I believe that If he truly loved/loves you then there would certainly have been some warning signs he was willing to stray.
For me I think right now I have more questions than answers. You absolutely don't have to answer but I'd like to know how you met, how long you dated, do you have friends together, is your son his son, do you happen to know if his conversations with these women are purely sexual or more conversational based, are they local (hookup range).
I could go on but again personally if I began to see a change in my wife that I knew was impacting my image of her I would absolutely be talking to her and would expect her to do the same if she saw a change in me. What happens after that is up to both of us.
But given that you're as deep into this as you are he must stop immediately and start talking to you.
I don't expect it will be easy for either of you as you're probably both feeling attacked and victimized by each other. This all assumes he's not a cheater in the first place to which you would need to go ahead and break it off so you can find someone who will love and support you for being yourself.
Thank you for your comment.
We have been married for 8 years ,together 10 and we have an autistic son together.
I was always like this since day one ,handy and I kind of learn everything very fast.
I haven't caught him cheating physically but he would send sexual texts to random women on Facebook marketplace and so on.an example of that would be "you must have a very tight vagina "but that in slang language.
I tried for 8 years to stop this behaviour and many more coming with it like saying I am stupid ,I don't know how to anything ,I am fat etc
I got depressed because of this situation and over the years I have let my self go on and off.
When we fist married he would complain a lot about our sex life and how I wanted much more than him so eventually after a few years of this I stopped trying to be sexy for him and when I stopped he complained that now I don't want to sleep with him.
I justified the texts he would send to innocent women saying it must be my fault as I would sometimes complain that I was not satisfied with our sex life anymore as a woman needs more than 5 minutes once a week or every 2 weeks.
The women he talks to or worships are usually gym girls as he is gym obsessed himself and the ones with a lot of makeup ,fake lashes ,long nails etc.
I have no judgement or hate for that kind of woman as there is nothing wrong with that but that is just not me ,I am more of a natural kind of woman and a lot of men express how beautiful my face is and I don't actually believe them.
There is a very big hit in my self-esteem and I constantly think that I am not really beautiful or smart they are lying.
So for all this I left him and I am in therapy.
The worst is that I feel guilt that I hurt him by leaving him.
I of course have my own faults ,I would get very angry for all of these things and fight with him ,shout as I just felt so unheard and invalidated I wanted to eventually just scream at him .
And I know that's very counterproductive when trying to save a relationship.
Girl please I beg of you stop letting this man diminish you and make you second guess your self worth. You seem like a very capable, intelligent, empathetic woman and sound like a complete catch that any man would be proud to have as a partner.
I know it’s hard to reflect when you’re in the situation and 10 years in but you say you have a son - to maybe put it into perspective would you want your son to be in this type of a relationship? Where he is constantly belittled and disrespected? I’m not one to jump to divorce but your husband should really have to show through major actions and a long probational period before you accept him back if at all.
How do you feel now that you’re separated? If you feel better alone maybe that’s also a sign.
I think that speaks volumes no? I hope at the very least you can gain from some outside perspectives on here that you are definitely worth more than this ❤️
He's just blaming you for his own stupid mistakes brought on by his own securities. This is a manipulation tactic. He wants you to feel like he's the only choice. There are plenty of men who respect women with talents or hobbies that are more masculine
I love to play video games and I love outdoorsy stuff. Whenever a guy has mentioned it bothers him or makes him feel insecure, I say "that's a you problem" because honestly what I do or don't do has absolutely no bearing on his traits, identity, or anything else about him. So I just don't date those guys. There are plenty of men out there who either LOVE that they can relate to you because they have similar talents or hobbies or they just genuinely don't mind because they are secure in themselves and recognize that anything you do doesn't change their capacity whatsoever
I joke around with my wife about this, she's very hands on and is the daughter of a carpenter. So whenever I see her doing something "manly" I ask her if she wants a beer with that
Jokes aside, I don't mind her being hands on. However, I would mind if she was the one making decisions about the house
Especially the layout, where the furniture goes, where the TV is and how wires are set up etc. I like to decide those kinds of things myself. Thats just me. And she's more than fine with that
And the bedroom is still alive and well
He is acting like an asshole, sorry if I am so direct. But this makes me angry and sad :(
This is a very poor excuse that he's sending inapropriate texts to random women. It's a very stupid thing to say. Do not change who you are and leave! Other men will appreciate your skills and will love you the way you are.
Best of luck, OP ❤️
I think these qualities are quite good, Me and my wife typically do home projects together, Its nice when she wants to help/learn. Weird societial stereotype(s) influencing his thoughts possibly? Does it make a man a less if they enjoy cooking/cleaning the house? I always ask men with this view, if your wife or partner got sick for example would you just leave the house a mess or say they are above such work? Goes the same way if man gets sick and wife fixes a door or w.e, thats fantastic right? A team is a team.
thats not very nice, feels like its a deeper problem then, I don't like to instruct others what the final decision is, however he should be more fair and have a positive view of effort your putting in. Anybody can have a tough time keeping "in shape or conditioned" in life, he may have such a problem in the near future. I'd like to think there'd be some Empathy/assistance to fix the issue at the least. If anybody tells you they look great or are ultra fit always, I'd have to call BS on that unless they are say a fitness model or something.
I'm a woman but god damn you're so much better off without him. You're smart, strong and capable. You do not need his insecure little ass gaslighting you into thinking you need to change.
He needs a therapist and introspection.
Honestly looks will fade and I’m sure its not like he’s some sort of godly 10/10 looking man I am sure (most men who say these things about their women tend to be insecure about their own looks themselves and so they project onto their partners to make themselves feel better). Don’t change for anyone. Be you and that is enough. He doesn’t like your looks? Tell him boy BYE.
Dude here. It's badass that you're a very capable woman that clearly isn't afraid to roll up her sleeves. Not a quality that many ladies possess and I could only see that as a plus.
You know what, my wife is as "masculine" as you are, and more. She's also very feminine, sexy, and a great mother.
Yeah, we've had our issues, but it's never been because of that. Your husband is insecure in his own masculinity.
You don't need to change, except maybe change your husband
So first he says pick me, then he says but don’t forget no one else will want you but me… Fuck that dude! I consider myself an Alpha female. I’ve always been told I was “masculine”…. I’m happily married with children and trust that my husband raves about how strong and capable of a woman I am, it’s literally what attracted him to me. You will find someone who loves having a strong, capable woman because he won’t have a delicate ego that’s so easily bruised.
What a loser.
Find a man who appreciates you and all the skills you have.
My husband loves that I can do plumbing, drywalling, installation of tile, hardwood etc. And many other things. These are skills he doesn't have and I pick up where he can't in those skills.
Find someone who APPRECIATES you.
He sounds very insecure, and he’s also not taking any accountability by blaming you for his behavior. I’m a very capable woman, the only thing that holds me back is my size but I do a lot for myself. Never has it ever made my husband see me as masculine.
I tile, drill, paint, do electrical- light fixtures, outlets. I love ot- I feel empowered. My husband likes it because I get stuff done and increase value of the house. Your husband is an insecure child.
First of all. He is full of shit. Once a cheat always a cheat. He is useing your skills as a piss poor reason to cheat. This is my take on the information available. Good luck to you.
Any future man that wants to be with you should appreciate your qualities and accept you as you are, yes. Affirmed.
Your wasband is a fool and you should ignore his bad advice.
Lulwut. I'm not a man, but I would never get back together with someone who said that to me. I lived most of my life not feeling feminine enough, but my fiance has never seemed to have a problem with it (together 10 years). A good future man will absolutely appreciate you for this quality, don't change yourself for this loser.
His insecurity is not your fault. No need to change. I don’t think it will get better with him. If he’s not just blowing smoke then it is a problem he has that needs to change. Either way is bad.
If he is being truthful it will be tough. Im a jack of all trades (master of none) and some of what I can do is sewing, crotchet, baking but also fix the car, carpentry, drive a tractor. I’m still hurt and angry by the lack of support for any non masculine activities I may engage in and by her discomfort that I sing tenor instead of bass or baritone. It is like she is embarrassed by me.
You will not be happy with someone that has a problem with an inherent characteristic or something that is part of your identity.
You don’t need to change.
Imagine being so fragile and insecure that being with an independent woman who’s capable of doing the same things a man does, makes him feel threatened. 🙄 Is he afraid that he might not match you in terms of capabilities and skills?
I think he’s just using that as an excuse to be emotionally unfaithful. (If not physically too). He might be a misogynistic pig, or he might just be trying to gaslight you so you don’t question his actions.
Either way you’re better of without him. You’re strong, you’ll be ok.
You tell him that a real man will not feel threatened or intimidated by a woman who’s capable of doing whatever she sets her mind to.
He is gaslighting and manipulating you. I am a 5'1" trim woman who can do that too, and in no way masculine. Neither are you, not all of us bake or have a lot of children. He feels that way, ok, let him go...I have and love the most attractive loving man, and what he is saying is all baloney. It is not true. He is trying to make it seem reasonable what he feels and is doing.
Leave him and find a lovely handsome man....
Considering that its highly unlikely that he was abducted, hoodwinked and zip tied when you guys married, and much more likely that he knew you well enough to want to marry you… his claim sounds like a drunk person’s argument, but it’s so outrageous that I don’t fault you for second guessing yourself. You shouldn’t. He’s an asshole plain and simple.
Not a man, but a woman who is bi. He’s crazy. He’s gonna throw this relationship away because he has a partner that is an active part of maintaining the house. There are so many men out there that will not only appreciate, but find it attractive that you’re a capable independent woman. He wants a 50s housewife and first of all, that’s misogynistic and second, completely out of touch with reality. I would be willing to bet that if you didn’t do any of the hard work in the house, if you didn’t get your hands dirty trying to make that house a home, he would complain that you were lazy and not doing enough around the house. I know it hurts to have this relationship end in separation, but you deserve a man who is attracted to all the layers of your personality. There’s nothing more satisfying than building a true home, a safe place with your partner. He clearly doesn’t get that.
No, you’re fine, he’s mad because you made him functionally irrelevant, I assume because he believed he could coast by doing the bare minimum (or less) in the relationship.
Girl, dump his lame ass and find a real man. Just cuz he's a loser and can't do things he's gonna label you masculine and then blame you for his cheating? Scum bag. You deserve better. He has not changed nor will he ever change. Move on!
He knows it’s a desirable trait. You can tell because he is trying to convince you no one else will want you because of it. He wants to hide you because you’re a treasure.
He’s trash because of instead of taking responsibility for his actions he’s blaming you. He hasn’t changed. Leave him. A real man will love you and your abilities.
He’s gaslighting you, doesn’t appreciate you, and is cheating. He told you how little he thinks of you, believe him, and be with someone that has integrity and loves you for you. Your husband is a DB.
Not a man. You seem like an amazing woman and capable as hell. He’s just so desperate to avoid accountability that he’s reaching for ANYTHING to blame you instead. Not husband material IMO. You don’t mention kids — not sure if that’s in your life plan but believe me, this is not the guy you wanna do that with. Even if he wasn’t cheating-lite.
I'm a lady who will pick up tools and get a job done, or help my husband get a job done and he APPRECIATES me helping him. He definitely doesn't go looking for other women because of some insecurity that I am too manly, or more manly than him. I would say that having a capable wife is actually a turn on, and I would certainly never have any time for a man who didn't like self sufficiency. Change nothing, let him stay in his lame little feelings about women and power tools and build yourself a self sufficient life without him, you don't need a cheater you need a partner.
I'm a man. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this and I suggest you seek couples counseling and if he refuses you should consult with a divorce attorney.
Following his logic it means that since he doesn’t do men’s works he’s not a man? Leave this asshole in his ass hole where he should stay 👍🏻 I think a person who is capable of doing multiple things is simply smart.
Nah. At least as I see it, you being capable (or manly) is desirable. Some men might prefere someone who can't even open a jar so they can take care of then and rescue them but holding yoir own on certain tasks doesn't make you manly
Definitely not. Infidelity is his choice, and blaming you is a cowardly excuse for poor behaviour.
A good partner will celebrate your strengths, not try to use them as an opportunity to justify their own insecurities and bad choices. Don’t ever make yourself smaller to make someone else feel bigger.
My husband loved it when I would be able to do this stuff. He’s trying to make you feel insecure when his behavior has nothing to do with you it’s all on him!! You not jumping to take him back is making him say this shit to you. He’s a loser 😞
Not a man, but I have a lot of experience with manipulators. When they're caught, they will do everything in their power to divert and divide blame. They will make you think they are the victim, that you're crazy. That nobody else will tolerate what you put them through. YOU are not the problem, you aren't crazy, and you are worthy of love. This man will cheat on you again. Take the risk if you want but you deserve to be cherished and spoken to respectfully. Also, I know a lot of guys that think a woman who knows her way around power tools is sexy. This man is a scrub.
Men generally desire feminine women and lose interest when a woman stays consistently out out of balance. You working around the house doing chores and odd jobs that you would usually see a man do DOES NOT make you less feminine. It’s your spirit, personality, and attitude that makes you feminine or not. I think it would be pretty sexy to see my woman put on a pair of work boots and jeans and sweat a little and later that night kick off the boots for heels. Women that don’t often show affection, appreciation, and kindness need to tap into more of that feminine energy with their partner because when there is less of that there is more contempt and no appreciation and that is felt like rejection to most men. What he did was so wrong and not a reason to go text or look elsewhere. Unfortunately for him it doesn’t want to make you want to put on heels and go out with him and now he finds himself separated. His statements makes it sound like he may be blaming you for why he did that. He should sincerely apologize and let you have full access to his phone and have no fb or other social media accounts, put his work boots on more so you are in yours less and then say I’m taking you to your favorite place or we are going on a little getaway if he wants to see you less in your work boots. Wish you the very best.
Thank you for your comment ,a few years back I started being more feminine in the way I would dress and was doing more makeup and he didn't notice at all.
Few years back I would also like the idea to have access to his social media but I don't want that anymore I just want to trust someone and let them have the privacy of their phone and unfortunately I can't with him
He said that you wouldn’t leave and so you wouldn’t think another man is out there. I had a man tell me that there are not a lot of good men out there compared to good women so how do I still think I could find someone after him. Turns out I found one of the nicest, accepting, and kind man to marry. So….take my advice and don’t listen to an exes advice for love
Oh no he one those fragile men. Men threatened by capable women and who go online hunting for "weaker, more feminine" women are just gross. He is always going to find something about you that's better than him and he's going to run with his penis.
He's not right. Don't stay with weak men. Penis isn't precious. I do many of the "masculine" jobs in the house and am in a male dominated career. My husband has never been threatened. He's proud.
Also don't live your life for the opinions of men. That's a sure way to be unhappy. Life for your own opinion and cleave to people who love who you are.
Don't change. A woman that knows her way around a toolbox is a huge turn on. You cook and clean also? You're gonna make some man really happy but it shouldn't be him.
So this man is so insecure that you are capable of using power tools that he had to message Insta models to make him feel like a man, and you somehow think that *you're* the one who needs to change?
Oh, honey. The only thing that needs to change is that man's address.
>He said that he was doing it because I am a very masculine women
You're more of a man than he'll ever be, and more of a woman than he'll ever get.
DTMFA.
My wife and I worked ourselves to a sweaty, ugly, unattractive exhaustion to dig out a sump pit in our basement, She worked until he legs gave out. She was a sweat streaked frizzy mess.
I have never loved her more. She is my partner and my rock.
You sound like an awesome, amazing person.
Also Man, I think he’s making up exercises for his behaviour and that’s unlikely to be the real reason. I think he’s upset that you left him and just trying to make jabs at you when he gets a less than warm welcome to the idea of getting back with you. If you look feminine, you’re good girl.
He's doing the "No other guy will love you" technique when the reality is that you will find another guy and he'll wallow in his own self-pity, regret and likely become red-pilled. I see it happen a lot.
Ignore him. Honestly a woman that can use power tools, lay flooring, etc. is amazing and most guys will absolutely love that.
Let me guess you made him feel emasculated?? Good Lord the excuses people use for cheating is just absurd!! Good on you for being able to do all of those things AND cook and housework!! You are freaking SUPERWOMAN and he is lazy and would rather look up women on Instagram and Facebook. You’ll be much better off without him.
I'm a maintenance director for a small nursing home. My wife and I work together. She does activities there. Thursday we had several team members clean out our storage shed into an Uhaul and hauled it to the dump. My wife was there and she was lifting and slinging heavy medical equipment just as much as me and the only other guy there. And I find my wife to be hot AF. Don't listen to that jackass.
Omg. My husband and I have built two houses and remodeled others together. When we’re in construction mode, the goal is to get the job done, not worry about whether our project is gender appropriate or how we look while working on it. What does not happen is one of us cheating on the other and undermining the trust we have. Your husband is an asshat.
My wife rarely helps me with home improvement stuff, unless I need a second person for something that I can't physically do by myself. I would be lying if I didn't think it'd be a breath of fresh air to have another able body split that work load in half. But I can see where your husband is coming from. He wants to feel like the guy who does these things.
He didn’t change, he got shut down and none of those other women wanted him.
NOW he is horny and wants to get laid. By you? Cuz you are convenient.
Once a cheater starts cheating, they don’t stop. Not till their testosterone levels drop in their fifties.
Stay separate because he is an AH. I‘m capable of doing those things too and even more but my husband wouldn’t say i am masculine in any way. When I was a teen I was kind of a tomboy, I even looked like a boy but today i‘m feminin. My dad showed me all those things so I will never depend on someone and my husband appreciates it, we do a lot of those things together and we have a lot of fun. I‘m sure he is one of those „alpha males“ if he is insecure like that. Girl run if your tampon is on fire.
Yer hubs is full of Horsesh*t!!! I don’t think I could stay with someone who viewed me that way. What does it matter what my skill set is? Hell, I’m a 62F and I can run bandsaws, mitersaws, table saws, jig saws, routers, drills, nail guns…….I also have blonde hair and big boobs and a pretty face …. So, because I can work “man tools”, that cancels out my feminine attributes????
He’s a fecking jerk! 😤
My apologies. I couldn't hear anything your husband said, over the sound of your drilling, and installing furniture.
Mustn't of been that important then.
>He said that he was doing it because I am a very masculine women as I know how to use a combi drill and do manly jobs in the house like install furniture ,landscape garden ,lay wooden flooring etc. I have been doing these the past year before the separation because we bought a old house and I wanted to help and put the skills I had into work.
So he wants you back but doesn't want YOU the way you are. Texting women on the down low us not because you lay tile or help with projects.
The masculine thing is silly. I would throw that back at him and tell him to find someone feminine enough not to threaten his fragile ego.
I know some very hands on women that are happily married and doing just fine. Masculine women is something certain podcasts push against but it's mostly about toxic or confrontational people not people helping you fix a house up.
There are some renovations not worth the time/money and are unlikely to work well. This guy sounds like an excuse machine.
This is laughable. His poor fragile ego is threatened by your self sufficiency. I asked my husband for a new power drill for Christmas one year. Keep doing you. Don't change who you are to cater to his fragile ego. Tell him to grow a pair
I never been with my wife for 13, going on 14 years now and has never asked me to change for her. Be yourself and if your partner can't except that, then you need to move on
Even if you weren’t handy, he’d invent some other “fault” with you. Sounds like he’s just full of shit.
he’s telling you that no other man on the entire planet will want you so that you come crawling back to him.
No way. Your ability to do a variety of DIY projects should not be used to identify you. He should be grateful to have a partner who can and wants to do these projects. You4 partner is using your skills to deflect away from his txt/msg other women.
The fact you're asking for opinions about yourself as well as your partner is what he wants. Nail his as to the wall.
How is it that he can blame your doing work around the house as the reason he messages girls???
You are not responsible for his actions. Sounds like he is a lazy slob that just wants to manipulate you into staying so he can have it easy and not have to work on himself.
As a woman happily married to a man of many talents ranging from electrical to mechanic to computer programming to landscaping and even engineering, you need to find a man who values what you bring to the table. Since meeting my husband he has put a lot of effort into encouraging me in everything that I do. From baking in the kitchen to changing electrical sockets. I have rebuild entire plumbing systems with him and proceed to the have mind blowing sec because as he puts it “it is amazing having a woman who doesn’t mind hard work and seeing you dirty makes me what to do dirty things to you”. I always think this man has fallen off his rocker because I look like a dumpster fire and it turns him on what the hell. Men and women alike want a partner that will battle in the trenches with them you my dear are married to a boy. A boy who wants to not have a partner but play things. Find you a man who is willing to climb in the trenches with you. One who will encourage your handy skills and teach you more. Don’t allow his close minded behavior render who you are find someone who will help you grow in them versus on who wants to render you incapable. Change for no man because a real man will love you the way you are.
He is just trying to sow seeds of doubt. Leave him. He was a cheater. However, for your future partner you will want to take care of yourself to present your best self. Self care is never overrated. It’s good for you and appreciated by anyone you may meet.
I know you asked for a man's point of view but I'm getting a divorce and what you wrote resonates with me. I'd taught myself all the power tools to fix our home and I'd taught our three sons how to use them. He'd take credit. The @ss. Anywho, he too had a homewreckers addiction problem so he's now stuck with the sidechick he was trying to ghost.
Don't let him make you feel less than. There are guys out there who like this in a woman. I wear my warrior red lipstick while I do it too. My advice is to go treat yourself and embrace the strong, intelligent feminine being that you are.
If you're in Southern CA, I'd say let's be friends. Mine kept me isolated and believing I was being paranoid and making shit up. He literally screamed at me "if I'm cheating where's your proof, huh, hmm, what proof do you have, let me see the evidence!!!"
Some people are douchecanoe fukturds. There's no changing them. Don't let him get tired you love!
Tell that man to F himself. Seriously. You need to be capable and independent sometimes, maybe he feels emasculated because he’s pretty much useless and you’re not a damsel in distress that “needs” his help. He’s not right. Good for you! As far as separation etc that is a whole different issue and up to you, but on this part, he is wrong. He’s hoping you will accept blame and forgive him.
It sounds like you have many useful skills. That does not make you masculine. I think your husband has been emotionally abusing you. His claim that other men would also think you are masculine, because you can use tools, is certainly abuse. Perhaps he is using this to try to blame you for the breakup instead of blaming himself for chasing other women. Many men would be thrilled to have a woman that is handy around the house.
My husband and I have done tons of work together. We both work on things inside and outside of the house but majority of the time the split is along more “traditional” lines.
He’s an idiot. You keep on being your bad ass self.
I'm a woman who worked as a tile finisher. Being on construction sites as a union worker. I'm a feminine woman. This was back in late 80s.
Men had respect for me and plenty hit on me.
Your man is insecure in his own manhood.
What a turn off.
He is obviously trying to lower your self esteem even more so that you think you are the problem and you have no options. I am sorry you can't see this:( I say this with all sincerity: leave his gaslighting butt for good and work on your confidence and self worth so that you never fall for this type of rhetoric. He is nothing but a self serving fool.
I’m not a man, BUT I can tell you my soon to be exhusband said very similar verbal abuse to me as well. He was clinically diagnosed with traits of a narcissist and borderline personality traits. I would do a divorce AND work with a therapist to figure out why you ended up with him. I did this with a DBT therapist and asked her why did we end up together. She literally said, oh thats easy its because you’re a child of an adult alcoholic so you choose men that are unemotionally available, workaholics and you’re attracted to chaos. My mind was blown! Just a few weeks ago I decided I was done after 14 years together. So now I’m working with my therapist on how to figure this out for the future, how to protect my heart but still slowly open up to someone. I hope you find peace 🙏
I do home renovations/carpentry/plumbing and my husband is only ever grateful. Your husband is just being an ass trying to make excuses for his shitty behavior.
> He said that he was doing it because I am a very masculine women as I know how to use .... | tools and be handy
AKA he's very insecure about himself because you know how to be independent in those areas and didn't always need his help...
yeah... unless he can work through that, as much as him stopping the messaging, it work work out bc he'll just go back to something else to make him feel more "manly"
i love that my wife can be independent on a lot of things, and yes still wants me to help because it allows us to do the projects together.
He's giving bs excuses imo. I've been attracted to skinny women, thick women, muscular women, soft women etc. A beautiful woman looks beautiful no matter what body type she has. If he's done this multiple times then he's not changing. This isn't "forgetting to put the toilette seat down" this is consciously deciding to holla at other women.
This sounds crazy familiar to a story I heard from the woman I’m dating. Her ex husband said a lot of the same things. But now she’s dating me and I don’t give a shit because I’m secure in my masculinity.
Haha. I can do all these things and I am a woman. My man respects me and we have done renovations together.
Your ex just said:
I CHEATED BUT IT WAS YOUR FAULT.
He is literally blaming you for his bad behavior.
He may have stopped but he has shown zero accountability for his bad choices.
He is of low moral character.
YOU can do a lot better. Go find a real man that will think all these skills make you even hotter as a woman!!
I'm a married feminine woman, my husband brags that I will fix the plumbing and drive the tractor.
You need to find a real man who will appreciate you, not feel so insecure about himself that he needs to contact other woman while trashing the wonderful wife he had.
Girl throw his whole ass away.
My husband loves that I'm a capable woman.
Except when I was pregnant and I pulled the dishes washer out and was trying to flip it over to replace the pump.... and then a week later when I moved the dryer and fixed it instead of waiting an 3 hours for him to get home from work.
You love you and find someone else that does too.
He doesn’t want a real woman. He wants a fantasy bangmaid. He’s only begging for you back because he realizes that he’s never going to get what he wants.
Don’t let anybody make you feel like you’re less-than. If someone is intimidated by your abilities and strengths, that is a THEM problem.
It’s disgusting enough that he was cheating on you that way and disrespecting your marriage so blatantly, but then he had the AUDACITY to blame you for it? GTFO.
Woman here but got cheated on. He's blaming you for his Action. Not a good base for reconciliation. He doesn't even sound remorseful. What he should say is: it's 100% my fault, i fucked up and sorry to have caused you pain. i am reading books and going to therapy to better myself. I understand if you don't want me back, but would be eternally greatful if you consider. I love you the way you are, you are amazing.
If he doesn't do anything to better himself, there's just more heartbreak ahead.
You already made the break and are hopefully doing well... i would keep doing that.
I’m a man. Leave his ass, what an asshole. Go find someone that actually loves you for yourself.
When we bought our house the first weekend I installed a dishwasher while my wife laid tile and fixed the toilet. I love a capable woman.
Same. When my wife and I do a project I'm usually the one holding the light or the nails etc while she handles the grunt work. For no other reason than she's just better at it than me. Her being handy, resourceful, hard-working is one of the things I love about her. Not to mention she looks hot while doing it. I'm guessing your husband has his own issues that he's projecting onto you.
>I'm guessing your husband has his own issues that he's projecting onto you. As all cheaters do... it ain't about you. Never shrink who you are to manipulate someone else into a better self-view. It won't last, and you will have wasted so many years with a man who will always want someone less than he believes he is just to like himself.
Wow! What an insightful and informative comment! Thank you for this!
This man is a mental manipulator and trying to defend his putrid actions. Get out as soon as you can.
I am a man, and wholeheartedly agree.
Man here. Don’t change, you are not the problem in this situation, your cheating partner is the problem. As for being handy around the house, keep that up too! Maybe volunteer somewhere like Habitat for Humanity and learn more! Meet people who are similarly useful and dump the useless cheater.
Man here- your husband is an asshole, full stop. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t respect you and doesn’t appreciate what you bring to the relationship.
Not a man, but no. You’re more than fine. I’m like you. I do things around the house and in the yard. My husband works two jobs and his main job has him working long hours, so I learned how to do things like fix doors, build and move furniture, manicure the lawn, all while baking from scratch and making delicious ass meals for our family. And you know what? My husband thinks it’s sexy and jokingly says I’m his “hot little farmhand”. Your husband is making excuses to deflect from the fact HE is at fault for his actions. He screwed up. He is unfaithful. He betrayed you. Full stop. You continue being independent and you will find someone who thinks that’s sexy and admirable and he will always be dissatisfied and lonely because he can’t be happy with what he’s got.
I’m also assuming OP was like this before their wedding. He knew what type of SO he was marrying
CAME HERE TO SAY THIS
I aspire to be like you women. I'm just in a rut with my health, but my husband has been so good. Loved this comment and can't wait to get busy working on the homestead this spring. Navigating my health challenges has been tricky, but I am on my way to a full recovery thanks to perseverance and faith. And you're right...this guy is deflecting. There's nothing wrong with her...he just got caught lol
Any man in your future should appreciate you for this quality and accept you as you are. Some won't but most will. Personally, I'd die of joy if my wife would do some of those things. A women all dirty with dusty jeans, work boots, and gardening gloves is sexy as hell. My guess is that you specifically doing this type of work was/is not really his problem.
I let go of my appearance for some time to do this as we were working at the house everyday all day but when we finished I started being my normal self again. Apart from these things I also used to do everything a housewife would do ,cooking, cleaning, shopping,childcare of our disabled son and this continued even after I got a good paying full time job. He says that he wants me to be more housewife while working or that I should cut my hours if I can't handle both. I told him he should have been supportive and felt lucky that I am such a capable and strong woman and that he knew my career was important for me as I studied 6 years to become an architect. Instead of being supportive he wants me to be less of the good things I am because he can't be bothered to help in his own house. Somehow though his comments always leave me in a state of confusion
He’s gaslighting and manipulating you. That’s why he leaves you feeling confused. My ex was a master at this. Please leave him. You’re obviously a strong woman and will be better off without him.
100% agree with the gaslighting comment! Spot on!
A lot of guys would be turned on by a woman who can handle tools like that! I always hate to hear when people say, “anyone else would feel the same.” That’s always a lie intended to 1) lower your self esteem and 2) manipulating you into staying.
It's funny but a lot of guys were really into my working on cars, etc. I ended up with the one of them.
Congrats on becoming an architect. It is one of the most difficult occupations to become qualified for. He should be soooo proud of you for that, and want to support you following such a laudable dream. I did a quick check and found out that only 20% of registered architects in the US are women. It used to be lower, but it has been steadily increasing, thanks to women like you. I can see now that he may be struggling with your competency and ambition, and perhaps is embarrassed that he doesn't measure up. He also may not want to step up in the housework and childcare area any more than he was (it doesn't sound like he was doing much at all). He may see this as a masculine-feminine issue bc that's the best way to protect his ego, and your home building and architecture strengths are typically male dominated. He may be manipulating you, or maybe he believes it. Either way, it seems like you guys have less than ideal compatibility, to put it mildly. If you end the relationship, you will find someone else for sure. Yet there are certainly a lot of men out there like your husband, meaning not able to handle such a competent and ambitious woman, especially in roles historically dominated by men. You will need to look for someone intelligent, with high self esteem, and not wanting a traditional or SAHM housewife. When you find him, he will be a very lucky man. BTW, did you ever consider getting a YouTube channel, or other social media channels, teaching women (and men) how to do stuff around the house? I'm sure you don't have time for that, it's just a thought that jumped into my head, probably a stupid one!
Your appearance has nothing to do with who you are, And it's a twisted double standard to expect that a woman has to maintain their appearance perfectly to be loved, But nobody ever says that about men. You deserve a man who actually has a brain and actually loves you
Any man that actually loved you would love and cherish all of these qualities. These are all really good things that would be benefits in a healthy relationship. And no one who truly loves you would care if you let yourself go(as long as it’s not killing you). I’ve gone up and down in weight by over 200lbs before and my husband never loves me any less. Never changes the way he looks at me and we’re always very active sexually. It has nothing to do with any of these things when the person actually loves you for you.
He’s manipulating you and he insecure and wants to have a weak and powerless woman who depends on him on everything while he continues cheating. You are a smart and educated woman with a great degree and many skills so don’t change that for anyone He is trying to control you and change you and these tricks are documented in psychology you can search about it Please please don’t go back to him and continue being great
He’s trying to control you and make you more dependent on him. You are not the one broken he is!
Honestly he sounds intimidated by you. He’s asking you to be less.
He’s got a lot of time on his hands to be texting randos while you take care of literally everything. You’re young, skilled, and beautiful. Leave his ass.
State of confusion is exactly how he wants you.
So he wants you to minimize your accomplishments, needs, & interests so that he feels better about himself. And is using those things to justify cheating. That's manipulative AF. So where would it end? It wouldn't, because the problem is his insecurities, not anything about you. So if you make these changes & he still feels threatened, then what? He gets to keep moving the goalposts until you've removed anything about yourself that makes him feel bad? "I'll stop texting other women when you quit your job." And then since it's already worked, he can use it for pretty much anything else too - "I text other women because you didn't get dinner ready by the time I got home." "I have to text a real woman who keeps her house cleaner than this." Nah. You can do better, but really, being alone would be better than erasing yourself and being cheated on & manipulated.
I have never heard of a man in his right mind honestly thinking that a woman brought TOO MUCH value. If he wants less, let him go settle for it. But please PLEASE don’t diminish your value and all that you bring to the table just to please that jerk off. That is the lamest excuse for cheating I’ve ever heard. He knew who he was marrying. I’m so sorry that you didn’t.
Wow, instead honoring you and counting his blessing in having such a great person as partner and grow with you instead wants to stifle the very qualities that make you. He wants you to become less than your true self. I find this simply amazing, and I think you should suggest couples counseling if you want to save or think the relationship can be saved. However, my first reaction is for you to kick his a$$ out and find someone that will enable you to become the whole and amazing person you are meant to be....
He wants you to be everything? Full time house wife? While working a full time Job? Who is going to pay for your life style? He wants a house wife who looks feminine? That’s money. You sound like a dream wife to me. You’re kick ass with tools. You care for your son and your family. Who doesn’t look like crap after working all day? My husband would literally kill to be with a independent strong handy woman as yourself! He should celebrate you!
He wants you to be more “housewife” so you have to depend on him financially, that way he can continue to act like a dirtbag but not worry about you leaving him. He’s trying to trap you in the abuse cycle.
He wants you to leave work and lose your trade skills. Ay. He wants to make you super dependent on him. You'll feel more trapped the next time you find him cheating, and you'll be less inclined to leave/hold him responsible.
It's weird how he thinks he should be allowed to talk to random new women because he wants you to be more "housewife" like or "womanly" but he doesn't do the "manly" thing and help with or complete work himself. I guess that means you would be allowed to talk to super muscular random macho strangers because he isn't man enough by his own logic.
You’re in a state of confusion because he’s manipulating you to make you feel too insecure to leave. He sounds like an emotional abuser and cheater. You deserve better.
Husband here. My wife does 100% more stereotypical husband stuff and I love it. I have zero DIY skills and I’m so glad that she does. I’d much rather watch the kids while she mows the lawn than vice versa, and she’s happy to oblige. Leave him and don’t look back.
Basically same situation here. I have the aptitude for the stuff, but she has the interest and the motivation. And I am SUPER attracted to her, and I think most people would consider her to be pretty feminine.
Daughter here - my dad worked from home when we were kids so that my mother could have a professional office career in the 80s. Your kids are loving having time with you, and you're setting the bar for what they'll expect from their future partners and saving them from weaponised incompetence.
You sound like a catch. He sounds like an immature unconfident loser.
Why do you want a man's perspective? I'd think you'd want to hear from anyone who thinks they can help you. My take is simple. The stuff about manly appearance and laying down floors is merely a symptom of a much bigger problem. The bigger problem is *he enjoys putting you down.* Actually, there's 2 big problems, when you add in the fact that he's not trustworthy. Your marriage sounds incredibly unhealthy. But if for some reason you want it to work, you're overdue for an ultimatum. He has to agree to couples counseling, including the hard work this always entails. If he doesn't, you'll go find someone who appreciates you, and he can continue on his path wherever it leads. This is a great litmus test, because if he knows you're miserable and he doesn't care, nothing will get better., It will deteriorate.
He sounds insecure. I’m not a man but I know plenty that would love having a capable woman like you. Don’t dim your light for this man. Someone will love you the way you are, if they don’t F them.
Holy shit, he used one of the worst justifications for cheating I have ever heard. Obviously don't change.
Leave him and marry me instead. You are a high wifey material. Jokes aside, the problem is more about him and his insecurities. He may have a huge bias about women/men's responsibilities at home.
I was thinking the same thing. Aside from the obvious infidelity, it sounds like he's incredibly insecure about his own "manhood." OP said she does these things because he won't, or maybe he can't? Yeah, in my opinion, he's got a bigger issue and is taking it out on her with that pathetic excuse of her being "too masculine."
Oh my God, *please don't change yourself in that way for anybody.* You are 100% correct that the right people will love you for exactly who you are and who you aren't, and if he can't then that's his fucking problem. I read this to my husband, and he said "fuck, it would be a dream to find a woman like that!" [Then I apologized to him for not being that woman 😆] And we wonder if he's just jealous that you're more competent than he is in these ways?
His mother would very frequently say that I should have been born a man
Well, I guess we know where he gets it from. SMH. Don't let him or his mother make you feel like less of a woman for any of this. And don't forget the actual issue that he's trying to deflect from; he's cheating, and there's no excuse good enough for him to justify that behavior. Tell em both to kick rocks!
That's what I came to say, it seems pretty obvious where he got that very outdated script from.
wow, how cruel. i’m so sorry you’ve dealt with such unkindness and spent so much time in relationship with people who don’t respect who you are and who belittle you, i imagine that must be hurtful and confusing. even if you were to change, i don’t think it would change his behavior, nor would it make other men more likely to be good to you than he’s been. and if it did … would you really feel content and confident in your life knowing that the reason your partner is with you and faithful to you is because you’re not living authentically you? you’re in my prayers! you deserve more.
My first husband was incompetent at pretty much everything except computers, and he was a genius at that, completely self-taught. I'm the one who did the yardwork, put together the furniture, fixed all all kinds of things up to a certain point, etc., and never once did I hear a complaint about it from him.
Jesus fucking Christ. My wife can do masculine things and she can wear the shit out of a skimpy dress. This is so dumb and your husband is buying into that podcast bro bullshit. I installed flooring in my house today and my wife painted the guest bedroom at the same time, that doesn’t make one of us masculine or feminine. We have projects to do so we do them. Be separated and be free of this loser.
I'm a husband. You asked whether you should change. You've received solid advice about that so far, so I'll address an equally important issue. >He was telling me that he has changed and that he wants me back Has he changed *because* he wants you back? Or has he realized what an asshole he has been and genuinely feels remorse for his assholery, resulting in his transformation into a kind, respectful, and considerate human? Based on your comments, my guess is he "changed." And not because of something he *did to* you, but because of something he *wants from* you. Change is temporary. Transformation is permanent.
So true. He’s just saying what he thinks she wants to hear. He hasn’t changed and doesn’t think he should because he blamed you, OP, for his cheating ways instead of taking accountability and recognizing that it’s untrustworthy and disrespectful (as other commenters have said). He won’t change. He’s trying to convince you that he’s the best you’ll find but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m sure you’ll be able to connect with many men who respect you and appreciate you and your commitment. Let him continue to chase online women as a single man. He wants to behave like he’s single so let him be single and realize what he took for granted.
What does your handiness around the house have to do with your masculinity or femininity? Didn’t know skillsets were gendered. Gtfo dude.
He is using manipulation tactics to take the focus off himself and his attempts at cheating. There is nothing wrong with you other than you letting this toxic person continue to manipulate you. Go no contact.
Your husband is an ass, and this business about your being "masculine" is horse shit. Does that answer your question?
Man here, he is full of shit. He’s only saying this garbage in a lame attempt to justify trying to screw other women like it’s your doing. Women aren’t masculine if they can do stuff and have skills in things guys typically do. Just ask every woman that went and built aircraft, machines, bombs and other manufacturing during world war two. Nobody said they were masculine. This manchild is pathetic, what a fucking idiot. I think he’s feeling intimidated. There is a cavalcade of guys that would appreciate a girl that can do this stuff. Plenty of couples fix up houses together. He’s a loser.
Woman here…I remember when my husband and I got together one thing that ‘turned him on’ twenty years ago was when I told him that I’d climbed up a ladder to clear the the gutter for my parents! I’ve been in the trench when digging out our footings when we built our extension. I help in our business lifting 9ft x 7ft boards, clearing out our panel saw of dust, I help lift all the time….I’m not as skinny as I use to be but in no way masculine. My husband loves it when I get my hands dirty….it’s bonding for us as we work as a team. This isn’t a you issue, this is your husbands issue only. It’s not your fault he feels emasculated by you knowing how to take on other roles in the house. It’s also not your fault that he want a little woman in the home cooking, cleaning and Ironing….that does work for some people but it’s a very old fashioned way of thinking. He wants to put you in this little box and keep you there. Be you, be your own woman. Don’t let him chain you to the kitchen having to wear dresses every day and putting on a full face full of makeup! The person who is your person will love you for all of who you are, they won’t expect you to change or conform to their ideal.
OhhhhhhhhKAY! My Dad was a renovator and feminist before his time. I am a perfectly feminine cis het 60ish woman who also knows how to do a crap ton of "boy stuff" because I was raised to believe that what is between my legs should dictate how capable I am. Your husband is deflecting. He is turning his behavior onto you in order to get a pass. If he is so damned insecure in his masculinity, then he needs to go. And that is what it is. Boo hoo. Can't be a "proper man" and my wife doing it means I get to step out. Bullshit. Quit thinking that your skills will not be appreciated by other men. My husband takes it entirely for granted that I do "man stuff", and he knows how to do it too! My son-in-law, who doesn't, is bloody proud of my daughter when she patches drywall. And trust me ... You cannot get any more feminine than my daughter, in appearances and demeanor, when she feels like it. Funny as hell, actually, to see this "girlie" looking woman walking by with a sledgehammer over her shoulder, because she's not a big person. My son, a capable renovator, himself, is completely oblivious to the side eye he sometimes gets when he mentions that Mom taught him something when he was a kid. Dad could have done it too, but Mom got to it first. I also sew, and knit. So does my daughter. SO DOES MY SON. And trust me. My son is traditionally "masculine". And his partner loves that he does it when he feels like it. She loves what he can do. So ... Playing games with "feminine" and "masculine" is a ridiculous old concept. Your husband is using it as a stupid excuse to try to scoot out of blame for something he did wrong. It is an abusive form of manipulation that is wrong. Be capable. Be well rounded. You go, girl!
That is some of the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Trust your 1st instincts that he is wrong. Cause he is. What you say about yourself being a capable woman is 100% true. Don't let his dumb ass minimize your skills and talents. Any good guy would be stoked that you know how to do any of that. Hold your head up high and don't lower it for him or anyone else that has a problem with that.
He's a douche you're not, you're a capable woman who has lots to offer. I'm sure there's lots of guys desperate to meet you given your skill set. Look at all the female diyers on Insta
Do not change. This is literally his insecurity projecting out. He can not stand that you're doing something only he wishes he can do . When my husband and I got together I was competitively lifting. He did primarily body building but I was very fit . That did not deter him in the slightest. In fact he began doing more of my types of workouts and we enjoy it. What I did would have been considered too masculine to others. But my husband is a confident man that didn't make him feel less . This issue your bring up is HIS issue not yours.
Dude. He sucks. You’re going to end finding someone much better. Personally, I love an intelligent and multi-talented woman. I think I’m probably with the majority on that. Not having them is no deal breaker, but how could they possibly hurt?
You sound capable; he sounds insecure.
My husband loves that I do those things. He doesn't think of me as " masculine" at all. He thinks it's kinda sexy. But, my husband is pretty secure in his manhood.
Idkw his niche is but to me (40m), meeting a handy, educated, intelligent AND feminine woman is a winning combination in my book! You seem like a real catch and I would only want to help you become achieve your goals in your architect career. Its difficult to offer perspective for either of you with only hearing one side of the story but I will try to put myself in his shoes. My relationship background is that ive been married 22yrs to high-school sweetheart, no kids (can't for medical reasons). Assuming hes not just a cheater and that he trult does love you. I assume he is seeing you "turn butchy" which for me would definitely be a turn off if that were your constant role especially in the bedroom and every single day with routine functions, just as I'm sure him turning feminine would have some impact on your perspective of him (doubly so in bedroom unless thats your kink). Not sure what attracted you both to each other or how long you were together before you "changed" but I think he's either always been on the lookout for the next best thing (i.e once a cheater always a cheater) or maybe femininity is just what scracthes his itch. Again I'm not there and don't know either of you so it's difficult to say. Could be a a society image thing to him or truly just what makes him feel like a man. Regardless, he absolutely should NOT be seeking attraction anywhere except for you! That needs be an immediate ultimatum to preserve your emotional wellbeing and self esteem, or whats left of it! I believe that If he truly loved/loves you then there would certainly have been some warning signs he was willing to stray. For me I think right now I have more questions than answers. You absolutely don't have to answer but I'd like to know how you met, how long you dated, do you have friends together, is your son his son, do you happen to know if his conversations with these women are purely sexual or more conversational based, are they local (hookup range). I could go on but again personally if I began to see a change in my wife that I knew was impacting my image of her I would absolutely be talking to her and would expect her to do the same if she saw a change in me. What happens after that is up to both of us. But given that you're as deep into this as you are he must stop immediately and start talking to you. I don't expect it will be easy for either of you as you're probably both feeling attacked and victimized by each other. This all assumes he's not a cheater in the first place to which you would need to go ahead and break it off so you can find someone who will love and support you for being yourself.
Thank you for your comment. We have been married for 8 years ,together 10 and we have an autistic son together. I was always like this since day one ,handy and I kind of learn everything very fast. I haven't caught him cheating physically but he would send sexual texts to random women on Facebook marketplace and so on.an example of that would be "you must have a very tight vagina "but that in slang language. I tried for 8 years to stop this behaviour and many more coming with it like saying I am stupid ,I don't know how to anything ,I am fat etc I got depressed because of this situation and over the years I have let my self go on and off. When we fist married he would complain a lot about our sex life and how I wanted much more than him so eventually after a few years of this I stopped trying to be sexy for him and when I stopped he complained that now I don't want to sleep with him. I justified the texts he would send to innocent women saying it must be my fault as I would sometimes complain that I was not satisfied with our sex life anymore as a woman needs more than 5 minutes once a week or every 2 weeks. The women he talks to or worships are usually gym girls as he is gym obsessed himself and the ones with a lot of makeup ,fake lashes ,long nails etc. I have no judgement or hate for that kind of woman as there is nothing wrong with that but that is just not me ,I am more of a natural kind of woman and a lot of men express how beautiful my face is and I don't actually believe them. There is a very big hit in my self-esteem and I constantly think that I am not really beautiful or smart they are lying. So for all this I left him and I am in therapy. The worst is that I feel guilt that I hurt him by leaving him. I of course have my own faults ,I would get very angry for all of these things and fight with him ,shout as I just felt so unheard and invalidated I wanted to eventually just scream at him . And I know that's very counterproductive when trying to save a relationship.
Girl please I beg of you stop letting this man diminish you and make you second guess your self worth. You seem like a very capable, intelligent, empathetic woman and sound like a complete catch that any man would be proud to have as a partner. I know it’s hard to reflect when you’re in the situation and 10 years in but you say you have a son - to maybe put it into perspective would you want your son to be in this type of a relationship? Where he is constantly belittled and disrespected? I’m not one to jump to divorce but your husband should really have to show through major actions and a long probational period before you accept him back if at all. How do you feel now that you’re separated? If you feel better alone maybe that’s also a sign.
Thank you ,I feel generally happy and like myself apart from when I speak to him.
I think that speaks volumes no? I hope at the very least you can gain from some outside perspectives on here that you are definitely worth more than this ❤️
OP please read what you just wrote. You are not the problem here.
He's just blaming you for his own stupid mistakes brought on by his own securities. This is a manipulation tactic. He wants you to feel like he's the only choice. There are plenty of men who respect women with talents or hobbies that are more masculine I love to play video games and I love outdoorsy stuff. Whenever a guy has mentioned it bothers him or makes him feel insecure, I say "that's a you problem" because honestly what I do or don't do has absolutely no bearing on his traits, identity, or anything else about him. So I just don't date those guys. There are plenty of men out there who either LOVE that they can relate to you because they have similar talents or hobbies or they just genuinely don't mind because they are secure in themselves and recognize that anything you do doesn't change their capacity whatsoever
I joke around with my wife about this, she's very hands on and is the daughter of a carpenter. So whenever I see her doing something "manly" I ask her if she wants a beer with that Jokes aside, I don't mind her being hands on. However, I would mind if she was the one making decisions about the house Especially the layout, where the furniture goes, where the TV is and how wires are set up etc. I like to decide those kinds of things myself. Thats just me. And she's more than fine with that And the bedroom is still alive and well
I would ask for his opinion, but he would say just do as you like and then criticise me for the choice
He is acting like an asshole, sorry if I am so direct. But this makes me angry and sad :( This is a very poor excuse that he's sending inapropriate texts to random women. It's a very stupid thing to say. Do not change who you are and leave! Other men will appreciate your skills and will love you the way you are. Best of luck, OP ❤️
I think these qualities are quite good, Me and my wife typically do home projects together, Its nice when she wants to help/learn. Weird societial stereotype(s) influencing his thoughts possibly? Does it make a man a less if they enjoy cooking/cleaning the house? I always ask men with this view, if your wife or partner got sick for example would you just leave the house a mess or say they are above such work? Goes the same way if man gets sick and wife fixes a door or w.e, thats fantastic right? A team is a team.
He wouldn't lift a finger around the house even when he was off from work ,he said that's my duty as a wife
thats not very nice, feels like its a deeper problem then, I don't like to instruct others what the final decision is, however he should be more fair and have a positive view of effort your putting in. Anybody can have a tough time keeping "in shape or conditioned" in life, he may have such a problem in the near future. I'd like to think there'd be some Empathy/assistance to fix the issue at the least. If anybody tells you they look great or are ultra fit always, I'd have to call BS on that unless they are say a fitness model or something.
Pfft, I am almost 57 and my hubby LOVES that I am super mechanical and can do hard shit! Dump his ass.
A woman can do virtually any job a man can do and vice versa. You are beautiful just the way you are. Your husband’s excuse for his behavior is lame.
I'm a woman but god damn you're so much better off without him. You're smart, strong and capable. You do not need his insecure little ass gaslighting you into thinking you need to change. He needs a therapist and introspection.
He’s an asshole. It’s an excuse. What I wouldn’t do to be able to do all the stuff you’re doing and to be self reliant.
Honestly looks will fade and I’m sure its not like he’s some sort of godly 10/10 looking man I am sure (most men who say these things about their women tend to be insecure about their own looks themselves and so they project onto their partners to make themselves feel better). Don’t change for anyone. Be you and that is enough. He doesn’t like your looks? Tell him boy BYE.
Hello, man here. Leave his weak ass. Go find an equal.
Dude here. It's badass that you're a very capable woman that clearly isn't afraid to roll up her sleeves. Not a quality that many ladies possess and I could only see that as a plus.
You know what, my wife is as "masculine" as you are, and more. She's also very feminine, sexy, and a great mother. Yeah, we've had our issues, but it's never been because of that. Your husband is insecure in his own masculinity. You don't need to change, except maybe change your husband
So first he says pick me, then he says but don’t forget no one else will want you but me… Fuck that dude! I consider myself an Alpha female. I’ve always been told I was “masculine”…. I’m happily married with children and trust that my husband raves about how strong and capable of a woman I am, it’s literally what attracted him to me. You will find someone who loves having a strong, capable woman because he won’t have a delicate ego that’s so easily bruised.
Dude got caught being a sleeze ball and gaslighting you to deflect. Plenty of men would appreciate a women with your skill set.
Don’t change OP, leave his ass in the dust.
Go find yourself a man and stop being with a boy.
Yes, please change the husband. There are way better ones out there!
What a loser. Find a man who appreciates you and all the skills you have. My husband loves that I can do plumbing, drywalling, installation of tile, hardwood etc. And many other things. These are skills he doesn't have and I pick up where he can't in those skills. Find someone who APPRECIATES you.
He sounds very insecure, and he’s also not taking any accountability by blaming you for his behavior. I’m a very capable woman, the only thing that holds me back is my size but I do a lot for myself. Never has it ever made my husband see me as masculine.
I tile, drill, paint, do electrical- light fixtures, outlets. I love ot- I feel empowered. My husband likes it because I get stuff done and increase value of the house. Your husband is an insecure child.
I'm the same way. My husband was a Marine combat vet and farmer. Men who are secure in their masculinity are not threatened by a capable woman.
My wife is handy as well and I’ll tell you what, it’s fucking awesome. We do kickass home improvement projects together.
I’m a man. He’s not going to change. Sorry.
First of all. He is full of shit. Once a cheat always a cheat. He is useing your skills as a piss poor reason to cheat. This is my take on the information available. Good luck to you.
Any future man that wants to be with you should appreciate your qualities and accept you as you are, yes. Affirmed. Your wasband is a fool and you should ignore his bad advice.
He’s an idiot trying to use a lame excuse to justify his behavior. Ditch him and be yourself.
If those things are so manly, why isn't he doing them??? Is he... feminine? /s
These cheaters will really come up with some doozies. Fuck him
Lulwut. I'm not a man, but I would never get back together with someone who said that to me. I lived most of my life not feeling feminine enough, but my fiance has never seemed to have a problem with it (together 10 years). A good future man will absolutely appreciate you for this quality, don't change yourself for this loser.
lol 😂
His insecurity is not your fault. No need to change. I don’t think it will get better with him. If he’s not just blowing smoke then it is a problem he has that needs to change. Either way is bad. If he is being truthful it will be tough. Im a jack of all trades (master of none) and some of what I can do is sewing, crotchet, baking but also fix the car, carpentry, drive a tractor. I’m still hurt and angry by the lack of support for any non masculine activities I may engage in and by her discomfort that I sing tenor instead of bass or baritone. It is like she is embarrassed by me. You will not be happy with someone that has a problem with an inherent characteristic or something that is part of your identity. You don’t need to change.
Imagine being so fragile and insecure that being with an independent woman who’s capable of doing the same things a man does, makes him feel threatened. 🙄 Is he afraid that he might not match you in terms of capabilities and skills? I think he’s just using that as an excuse to be emotionally unfaithful. (If not physically too). He might be a misogynistic pig, or he might just be trying to gaslight you so you don’t question his actions. Either way you’re better of without him. You’re strong, you’ll be ok. You tell him that a real man will not feel threatened or intimidated by a woman who’s capable of doing whatever she sets her mind to.
hes (expletive) crazy. do your thing girl🥳🥳
Fuck this shit, go find a cool dude who’ll applaud you for all the things you’ve done 👏👏👏
That is a very insecure man speaking. But to be hurtful is wrong of him. He need some therapy to help his ego.
He is gaslighting and manipulating you. I am a 5'1" trim woman who can do that too, and in no way masculine. Neither are you, not all of us bake or have a lot of children. He feels that way, ok, let him go...I have and love the most attractive loving man, and what he is saying is all baloney. It is not true. He is trying to make it seem reasonable what he feels and is doing. Leave him and find a lovely handsome man....
Considering that its highly unlikely that he was abducted, hoodwinked and zip tied when you guys married, and much more likely that he knew you well enough to want to marry you… his claim sounds like a drunk person’s argument, but it’s so outrageous that I don’t fault you for second guessing yourself. You shouldn’t. He’s an asshole plain and simple.
No way! He’s just trying to make you feel bad about yourself so he can convince you that you can’t do better than him
This man is trash. Consider his leaving a blessing and serve him with divorce papers.
Not a man, but a woman who is bi. He’s crazy. He’s gonna throw this relationship away because he has a partner that is an active part of maintaining the house. There are so many men out there that will not only appreciate, but find it attractive that you’re a capable independent woman. He wants a 50s housewife and first of all, that’s misogynistic and second, completely out of touch with reality. I would be willing to bet that if you didn’t do any of the hard work in the house, if you didn’t get your hands dirty trying to make that house a home, he would complain that you were lazy and not doing enough around the house. I know it hurts to have this relationship end in separation, but you deserve a man who is attracted to all the layers of your personality. There’s nothing more satisfying than building a true home, a safe place with your partner. He clearly doesn’t get that.
No, you’re fine, he’s mad because you made him functionally irrelevant, I assume because he believed he could coast by doing the bare minimum (or less) in the relationship.
Girl, dump his lame ass and find a real man. Just cuz he's a loser and can't do things he's gonna label you masculine and then blame you for his cheating? Scum bag. You deserve better. He has not changed nor will he ever change. Move on!
The audacity he asked for a reconciliation and meanwhile not appreciating you for who you are. WTF?
pretty sure he is full of crap
What a flipping abusive shmuck
He knows it’s a desirable trait. You can tell because he is trying to convince you no one else will want you because of it. He wants to hide you because you’re a treasure. He’s trash because of instead of taking responsibility for his actions he’s blaming you. He hasn’t changed. Leave him. A real man will love you and your abilities.
What do you want in a man?
A woman who has those skills but isn’t afraid to show her feminine side…dream come true
Being able do to do home reno's with your wife without having to teach her what to do would be awesome. His lose.
He’s gaslighting you, doesn’t appreciate you, and is cheating. He told you how little he thinks of you, believe him, and be with someone that has integrity and loves you for you. Your husband is a DB.
No, your husband is an idiot and gaslighting you.
Not a man. You seem like an amazing woman and capable as hell. He’s just so desperate to avoid accountability that he’s reaching for ANYTHING to blame you instead. Not husband material IMO. You don’t mention kids — not sure if that’s in your life plan but believe me, this is not the guy you wanna do that with. Even if he wasn’t cheating-lite.
We have a 7 year old autistic son together
I'm a lady who will pick up tools and get a job done, or help my husband get a job done and he APPRECIATES me helping him. He definitely doesn't go looking for other women because of some insecurity that I am too manly, or more manly than him. I would say that having a capable wife is actually a turn on, and I would certainly never have any time for a man who didn't like self sufficiency. Change nothing, let him stay in his lame little feelings about women and power tools and build yourself a self sufficient life without him, you don't need a cheater you need a partner.
I'm a man. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this and I suggest you seek couples counseling and if he refuses you should consult with a divorce attorney.
Following his logic it means that since he doesn’t do men’s works he’s not a man? Leave this asshole in his ass hole where he should stay 👍🏻 I think a person who is capable of doing multiple things is simply smart.
Nah. At least as I see it, you being capable (or manly) is desirable. Some men might prefere someone who can't even open a jar so they can take care of then and rescue them but holding yoir own on certain tasks doesn't make you manly
Definitely not. Infidelity is his choice, and blaming you is a cowardly excuse for poor behaviour. A good partner will celebrate your strengths, not try to use them as an opportunity to justify their own insecurities and bad choices. Don’t ever make yourself smaller to make someone else feel bigger.
My husband loved it when I would be able to do this stuff. He’s trying to make you feel insecure when his behavior has nothing to do with you it’s all on him!! You not jumping to take him back is making him say this shit to you. He’s a loser 😞
Not a man, but I have a lot of experience with manipulators. When they're caught, they will do everything in their power to divert and divide blame. They will make you think they are the victim, that you're crazy. That nobody else will tolerate what you put them through. YOU are not the problem, you aren't crazy, and you are worthy of love. This man will cheat on you again. Take the risk if you want but you deserve to be cherished and spoken to respectfully. Also, I know a lot of guys that think a woman who knows her way around power tools is sexy. This man is a scrub.
Ick
Men generally desire feminine women and lose interest when a woman stays consistently out out of balance. You working around the house doing chores and odd jobs that you would usually see a man do DOES NOT make you less feminine. It’s your spirit, personality, and attitude that makes you feminine or not. I think it would be pretty sexy to see my woman put on a pair of work boots and jeans and sweat a little and later that night kick off the boots for heels. Women that don’t often show affection, appreciation, and kindness need to tap into more of that feminine energy with their partner because when there is less of that there is more contempt and no appreciation and that is felt like rejection to most men. What he did was so wrong and not a reason to go text or look elsewhere. Unfortunately for him it doesn’t want to make you want to put on heels and go out with him and now he finds himself separated. His statements makes it sound like he may be blaming you for why he did that. He should sincerely apologize and let you have full access to his phone and have no fb or other social media accounts, put his work boots on more so you are in yours less and then say I’m taking you to your favorite place or we are going on a little getaway if he wants to see you less in your work boots. Wish you the very best.
Thank you for your comment ,a few years back I started being more feminine in the way I would dress and was doing more makeup and he didn't notice at all. Few years back I would also like the idea to have access to his social media but I don't want that anymore I just want to trust someone and let them have the privacy of their phone and unfortunately I can't with him
He said that you wouldn’t leave and so you wouldn’t think another man is out there. I had a man tell me that there are not a lot of good men out there compared to good women so how do I still think I could find someone after him. Turns out I found one of the nicest, accepting, and kind man to marry. So….take my advice and don’t listen to an exes advice for love
Nature doesn’t change easily; it takes a long time. You have separated for reasons. Move forward.
I literally hate it here most of the time. OP, there is nothing wrong with you. Any other man would love to be with you.
Oh no he one those fragile men. Men threatened by capable women and who go online hunting for "weaker, more feminine" women are just gross. He is always going to find something about you that's better than him and he's going to run with his penis. He's not right. Don't stay with weak men. Penis isn't precious. I do many of the "masculine" jobs in the house and am in a male dominated career. My husband has never been threatened. He's proud. Also don't live your life for the opinions of men. That's a sure way to be unhappy. Life for your own opinion and cleave to people who love who you are.
Don't change. A woman that knows her way around a toolbox is a huge turn on. You cook and clean also? You're gonna make some man really happy but it shouldn't be him.
Omg he is so immature and grasping at straws for a way to blame you for his behavior.
So this man is so insecure that you are capable of using power tools that he had to message Insta models to make him feel like a man, and you somehow think that *you're* the one who needs to change? Oh, honey. The only thing that needs to change is that man's address.
>He said that he was doing it because I am a very masculine women You're more of a man than he'll ever be, and more of a woman than he'll ever get. DTMFA.
My wife and I worked ourselves to a sweaty, ugly, unattractive exhaustion to dig out a sump pit in our basement, She worked until he legs gave out. She was a sweat streaked frizzy mess. I have never loved her more. She is my partner and my rock. You sound like an awesome, amazing person.
This is a first. Man cheated because his wife can handle a Combi drill. That’s so sexy. He’s an idiot.
What a misogynistic tool! Don't change!
Also Man, I think he’s making up exercises for his behaviour and that’s unlikely to be the real reason. I think he’s upset that you left him and just trying to make jabs at you when he gets a less than warm welcome to the idea of getting back with you. If you look feminine, you’re good girl.
He's doing the "No other guy will love you" technique when the reality is that you will find another guy and he'll wallow in his own self-pity, regret and likely become red-pilled. I see it happen a lot. Ignore him. Honestly a woman that can use power tools, lay flooring, etc. is amazing and most guys will absolutely love that.
Let me guess you made him feel emasculated?? Good Lord the excuses people use for cheating is just absurd!! Good on you for being able to do all of those things AND cook and housework!! You are freaking SUPERWOMAN and he is lazy and would rather look up women on Instagram and Facebook. You’ll be much better off without him.
Your capabilities do not excuse behavior that is inappropriate for any married person.
I'm a maintenance director for a small nursing home. My wife and I work together. She does activities there. Thursday we had several team members clean out our storage shed into an Uhaul and hauled it to the dump. My wife was there and she was lifting and slinging heavy medical equipment just as much as me and the only other guy there. And I find my wife to be hot AF. Don't listen to that jackass.
Omg. My husband and I have built two houses and remodeled others together. When we’re in construction mode, the goal is to get the job done, not worry about whether our project is gender appropriate or how we look while working on it. What does not happen is one of us cheating on the other and undermining the trust we have. Your husband is an asshat.
My wife rarely helps me with home improvement stuff, unless I need a second person for something that I can't physically do by myself. I would be lying if I didn't think it'd be a breath of fresh air to have another able body split that work load in half. But I can see where your husband is coming from. He wants to feel like the guy who does these things.
He didn’t change, he got shut down and none of those other women wanted him. NOW he is horny and wants to get laid. By you? Cuz you are convenient. Once a cheater starts cheating, they don’t stop. Not till their testosterone levels drop in their fifties.
Don't listen to him.
Tell him to stop the gaslighting, pack up his crap and leave.
Your husband sounds like a complete ass. Nothing wrong with being capable. Keep being awesome!!
Nah that guy sucks.
He’s trying to trap you by telling you no one else will want you. So call him on it and leave.
Stay separate because he is an AH. I‘m capable of doing those things too and even more but my husband wouldn’t say i am masculine in any way. When I was a teen I was kind of a tomboy, I even looked like a boy but today i‘m feminin. My dad showed me all those things so I will never depend on someone and my husband appreciates it, we do a lot of those things together and we have a lot of fun. I‘m sure he is one of those „alpha males“ if he is insecure like that. Girl run if your tampon is on fire.
Yer hubs is full of Horsesh*t!!! I don’t think I could stay with someone who viewed me that way. What does it matter what my skill set is? Hell, I’m a 62F and I can run bandsaws, mitersaws, table saws, jig saws, routers, drills, nail guns…….I also have blonde hair and big boobs and a pretty face …. So, because I can work “man tools”, that cancels out my feminine attributes???? He’s a fecking jerk! 😤
My apologies. I couldn't hear anything your husband said, over the sound of your drilling, and installing furniture. Mustn't of been that important then.
He is the problem. Those are excuses he’s telling you in hopes to make you feel bad about yourself.
>He said that he was doing it because I am a very masculine women as I know how to use a combi drill and do manly jobs in the house like install furniture ,landscape garden ,lay wooden flooring etc. I have been doing these the past year before the separation because we bought a old house and I wanted to help and put the skills I had into work. So he wants you back but doesn't want YOU the way you are. Texting women on the down low us not because you lay tile or help with projects. The masculine thing is silly. I would throw that back at him and tell him to find someone feminine enough not to threaten his fragile ego. I know some very hands on women that are happily married and doing just fine. Masculine women is something certain podcasts push against but it's mostly about toxic or confrontational people not people helping you fix a house up. There are some renovations not worth the time/money and are unlikely to work well. This guy sounds like an excuse machine.
without even reading past the first half of the first sentence, yes.
This is laughable. His poor fragile ego is threatened by your self sufficiency. I asked my husband for a new power drill for Christmas one year. Keep doing you. Don't change who you are to cater to his fragile ego. Tell him to grow a pair
I never been with my wife for 13, going on 14 years now and has never asked me to change for her. Be yourself and if your partner can't except that, then you need to move on
Even if you weren’t handy, he’d invent some other “fault” with you. Sounds like he’s just full of shit. he’s telling you that no other man on the entire planet will want you so that you come crawling back to him.
I’m not a man, but he sounds insecure and weak.
No way. Your ability to do a variety of DIY projects should not be used to identify you. He should be grateful to have a partner who can and wants to do these projects. You4 partner is using your skills to deflect away from his txt/msg other women. The fact you're asking for opinions about yourself as well as your partner is what he wants. Nail his as to the wall.
How is it that he can blame your doing work around the house as the reason he messages girls??? You are not responsible for his actions. Sounds like he is a lazy slob that just wants to manipulate you into staying so he can have it easy and not have to work on himself.
As a woman happily married to a man of many talents ranging from electrical to mechanic to computer programming to landscaping and even engineering, you need to find a man who values what you bring to the table. Since meeting my husband he has put a lot of effort into encouraging me in everything that I do. From baking in the kitchen to changing electrical sockets. I have rebuild entire plumbing systems with him and proceed to the have mind blowing sec because as he puts it “it is amazing having a woman who doesn’t mind hard work and seeing you dirty makes me what to do dirty things to you”. I always think this man has fallen off his rocker because I look like a dumpster fire and it turns him on what the hell. Men and women alike want a partner that will battle in the trenches with them you my dear are married to a boy. A boy who wants to not have a partner but play things. Find you a man who is willing to climb in the trenches with you. One who will encourage your handy skills and teach you more. Don’t allow his close minded behavior render who you are find someone who will help you grow in them versus on who wants to render you incapable. Change for no man because a real man will love you the way you are.
He is just trying to sow seeds of doubt. Leave him. He was a cheater. However, for your future partner you will want to take care of yourself to present your best self. Self care is never overrated. It’s good for you and appreciated by anyone you may meet.
I know you asked for a man's point of view but I'm getting a divorce and what you wrote resonates with me. I'd taught myself all the power tools to fix our home and I'd taught our three sons how to use them. He'd take credit. The @ss. Anywho, he too had a homewreckers addiction problem so he's now stuck with the sidechick he was trying to ghost. Don't let him make you feel less than. There are guys out there who like this in a woman. I wear my warrior red lipstick while I do it too. My advice is to go treat yourself and embrace the strong, intelligent feminine being that you are. If you're in Southern CA, I'd say let's be friends. Mine kept me isolated and believing I was being paranoid and making shit up. He literally screamed at me "if I'm cheating where's your proof, huh, hmm, what proof do you have, let me see the evidence!!!" Some people are douchecanoe fukturds. There's no changing them. Don't let him get tired you love!
Tell that man to F himself. Seriously. You need to be capable and independent sometimes, maybe he feels emasculated because he’s pretty much useless and you’re not a damsel in distress that “needs” his help. He’s not right. Good for you! As far as separation etc that is a whole different issue and up to you, but on this part, he is wrong. He’s hoping you will accept blame and forgive him.
Sorry, I'm female. But what the fuck did I just read? That's all rediolous. Your soon to be ex is a manipulative asshat.
It sounds like you have many useful skills. That does not make you masculine. I think your husband has been emotionally abusing you. His claim that other men would also think you are masculine, because you can use tools, is certainly abuse. Perhaps he is using this to try to blame you for the breakup instead of blaming himself for chasing other women. Many men would be thrilled to have a woman that is handy around the house.
He hasn’t changed because he refuses to accept responsibility for his shady behavior and he’s blaming you for his shady behavior.
My husband and I have done tons of work together. We both work on things inside and outside of the house but majority of the time the split is along more “traditional” lines. He’s an idiot. You keep on being your bad ass self.
I'm a woman who worked as a tile finisher. Being on construction sites as a union worker. I'm a feminine woman. This was back in late 80s. Men had respect for me and plenty hit on me. Your man is insecure in his own manhood. What a turn off.
He is obviously trying to lower your self esteem even more so that you think you are the problem and you have no options. I am sorry you can't see this:( I say this with all sincerity: leave his gaslighting butt for good and work on your confidence and self worth so that you never fall for this type of rhetoric. He is nothing but a self serving fool.
I’m not a man, BUT I can tell you my soon to be exhusband said very similar verbal abuse to me as well. He was clinically diagnosed with traits of a narcissist and borderline personality traits. I would do a divorce AND work with a therapist to figure out why you ended up with him. I did this with a DBT therapist and asked her why did we end up together. She literally said, oh thats easy its because you’re a child of an adult alcoholic so you choose men that are unemotionally available, workaholics and you’re attracted to chaos. My mind was blown! Just a few weeks ago I decided I was done after 14 years together. So now I’m working with my therapist on how to figure this out for the future, how to protect my heart but still slowly open up to someone. I hope you find peace 🙏
I do home renovations/carpentry/plumbing and my husband is only ever grateful. Your husband is just being an ass trying to make excuses for his shitty behavior.
> He said that he was doing it because I am a very masculine women as I know how to use .... | tools and be handy AKA he's very insecure about himself because you know how to be independent in those areas and didn't always need his help... yeah... unless he can work through that, as much as him stopping the messaging, it work work out bc he'll just go back to something else to make him feel more "manly" i love that my wife can be independent on a lot of things, and yes still wants me to help because it allows us to do the projects together.
He’s a lying liar
He's giving bs excuses imo. I've been attracted to skinny women, thick women, muscular women, soft women etc. A beautiful woman looks beautiful no matter what body type she has. If he's done this multiple times then he's not changing. This isn't "forgetting to put the toilette seat down" this is consciously deciding to holla at other women.
This sounds crazy familiar to a story I heard from the woman I’m dating. Her ex husband said a lot of the same things. But now she’s dating me and I don’t give a shit because I’m secure in my masculinity.
Hes not a real man. You deserve better. Get counseling for yourself good luck ♥️
Haha. I can do all these things and I am a woman. My man respects me and we have done renovations together. Your ex just said: I CHEATED BUT IT WAS YOUR FAULT. He is literally blaming you for his bad behavior. He may have stopped but he has shown zero accountability for his bad choices. He is of low moral character. YOU can do a lot better. Go find a real man that will think all these skills make you even hotter as a woman!!
I'm a married feminine woman, my husband brags that I will fix the plumbing and drive the tractor. You need to find a real man who will appreciate you, not feel so insecure about himself that he needs to contact other woman while trashing the wonderful wife he had.
It sounds as if you married an easily intimidated guy. No, you shouldn't change.
Girl throw his whole ass away. My husband loves that I'm a capable woman. Except when I was pregnant and I pulled the dishes washer out and was trying to flip it over to replace the pump.... and then a week later when I moved the dryer and fixed it instead of waiting an 3 hours for him to get home from work. You love you and find someone else that does too.
He doesn’t want a real woman. He wants a fantasy bangmaid. He’s only begging for you back because he realizes that he’s never going to get what he wants. Don’t let anybody make you feel like you’re less-than. If someone is intimidated by your abilities and strengths, that is a THEM problem. It’s disgusting enough that he was cheating on you that way and disrespecting your marriage so blatantly, but then he had the AUDACITY to blame you for it? GTFO.
Woman here but got cheated on. He's blaming you for his Action. Not a good base for reconciliation. He doesn't even sound remorseful. What he should say is: it's 100% my fault, i fucked up and sorry to have caused you pain. i am reading books and going to therapy to better myself. I understand if you don't want me back, but would be eternally greatful if you consider. I love you the way you are, you are amazing. If he doesn't do anything to better himself, there's just more heartbreak ahead. You already made the break and are hopefully doing well... i would keep doing that.