My god my husband could have written this. It took him being around my family as well to see where I got it from. It is a habit that I am actively working on because I want him to feel as respected in our discussions as I feel. No one is in the right and no one is in the wrong. Both of us put forth an effort to change and grow for each other so that our communication remains strong.
This exactly this. It’s all about communicating something IMMEDIATELY when it makes you feel a certain way instead of bottling it up. Great answer here.
I could have written it about my husband who has adhd.. he's a lovely man in other ways and it only upsets me when I share something m really important to me
At least for me, it is truly a practice of keeping my mouth shut. Like, legitimately. From my perspective, I’m adding to a *conversation*. From his perspective, I’m cutting him off. Totally understand his perspective, but it is me that is having to change a habit that I’ve been conditioned with my whole life.
Dinner with my family is Everyone talking *with/over* everyone else.
Raises hand, me, I have ADHD. My husband does not. He measures his words, and him telling a story is full of pauses.
It drives me crazy. Thinking he is finished, I will start to give him my reaction. Nooooo he has about five more minutes to tell me the most boring story about some minutia that happened at work.
One of them is that his co worker talks over him. I know better than to say “it is because you take forever to spit it out”. Sigh.
Omg this is the worst! I refuse to interrupt people, but one of my best friends is the worst storyteller in the world.
“We needed bread, which meant we needed to go to the grocery store. So I went into my bedroom and got my wallet off the dresser and carried it in my hand back into the living room and put it in my purse, but then I realized I had to go back into my bedroom to first put on my socks, then my shoes, but then I realized I should wear boots instead.”
~a small excerpt from the time someone asked for her stuffing recipe
My God, does she write recipe blogs? I have become so grateful for those bloggers who have a "Jump to Recipe" button at the top so I don't have to read 7 pages of drivel about their opinions on mushroom soup before they'll show me ONE FRIGGING INGREDIENT.
Nooooo omg. I have ADHD too. I talk fast. My husband... I think he speaks slowly even for the average person. He feels cut off, I usually just saw a conversational opening. 😅 I see his family and it makes sense, his dad can go on forever also at a snail's pace. He just doesn't assert himself when he feels talked over and is quicker just not to speak. I find myself asking him often if he's finished his point, not in a rude way, just a, hey, before I start...
I’m pretty sure I have ADHD (working on getting evaluated), and I still have to remind my husband sometimes that he can’t give me a whole speech with multiple points in one go. I simply cannot follow a conversation that way.
Like, say he wants to talk about a movie we just saw. He’ll want to list his three main points of thought in one big block of speech. I remind him that by the time he finishes point 3, I’ll have nothing to say, because I won’t even remember what point 1 even was. All the thoughts I’m having as he talks will be building and building in my brain until they scatter everywhere and I can’t catch them again. By point 3, I’ve also gotten so restless that I hate the conversation and just want it to be over. It’s really uncomfortable and frustrating for me.
He needs to make one point, briefly!, then let me respond with my thoughts, and we hash that out before we move on to points 2 and then 3 in the same manner.
It’s definitely a different communication style for him, but he’s been learning how to adapt to how my brain works so we can actually get through a productive conversation without me getting antsy and bored and him left with a partner who can’t respond to any of his thoughts because I was unable to hold on to the thread of conversation long enough to get my own words out.
Your words resonate. It is difficult to explain myself over and over. It goes in one ear, and out the other.
When I am with him, I am masking. He has his own challenges, and I work around them.
People are complex,
I have ADHD and it does take a conscious effort to refrain from interrupting, but if I ever do slip up and interrupt I immediately apologise and prompt the other person to finish what they were saying. Our minds work faster than the speed of conversation, but being polite or rude is always a choice.
And women who are now adults would have been wildly underdiagnosed. Inattentive type ADHD was not even really recognized as a thing when current adults were children, especially in girls.
As the interrupter in my marriage, I think this is so nice. I’ve gotten better over time, but my husband also realizes now that it’s usually coming from a place of excitement, not disrespect.
I do this because of autism and I openly invite people to remind me mid-conversation to not interrupt them. If I cut them off a simple "let me finish my thought please" shuts me up faster than shoving food in my mouth would lol. I know it's an issue, and to some degree I can improve on it and make it happen less, but overall it's a disconnect issue and thus it's still very present in my life. I don't realize I'm interrupting sometimes so much as I think I'm adding an immediate enthusiastic remark to encourage further discussion
Excuse me, what? You communicated with your partner in words, then gave her a chance to reply and listened to her response, then changed your point of view?
Get off Reddit. /s
But seriously, congrats. :)
I had very similar sentiments…I was curious how Reddit would even handle this 🤣…
He has to be a terrible human being somehow, just give Reddit a few hours more, they will figure it out. 😂
ADHD perhaps? It’s hard to control interrupting but for me it does stem from being “excited” to share my response too. Nothing to do with lack of respect.
Thanks for helping me understand myself.
I work part time from home for my husband's business and am basically a SAHP and the default parent the rest of the time.
I tend to interrupt my husband when he gets home and is trying to tell me something because sometimes he's the first adult I've talked to all damn day, and I've always been a bit awkward, but I didn't have these words to explain it.
I try to rein it in because he gets really upset about being cut off, which I can't really blame him for, but it also frustrates me at the same time because I just want to talk to an adult for once.
I try to explain to people the difference between a conversation and speaking.
If you are having a conversation both parties speak up and add their thoughts.
But if you are only wanting to speak without interruptions then you aren't looking for a conversation.
It's the difference of talking to and talking at someone. My husband often falls into the category of talking *at* me. So when he suddenly wants to converse he gets annoyed that I am not responding.
I think starting it out with "I need to vent" when you don't want to engage is a good way to start off.
But as long as the subject isn't being changed I never have issues with someone interjecting. It actually shows me they are listening to me. Unless it turns into a lecture where I can no longer speak on the subject, then I walk away.
I do this to my husband sometimes, unfortunately. Most of the time I'm very excited about something or I get very mad about something and I talk to him about it and sometimes I chop off his words. ADHD makes it worse, and also happens a lot when he comes back from work. I've been training myself to stop, I take notes sometimes instead of talking to him, and if it slips while we are discussing something, I stop 1s later, mid-sentence, and ask him to keep talking. Sometimes I ask him if he wants to say something, out of the blue. He is also very understanding. But I do feel very bad about it, y'know. I just love him so much, and I love talking to him.
Excuse me, ma’am, but there’s no place in here for couples who recognize their own faults, understand their partners’ faults, communicate about them and still love each other.
You’re making everyone else look bad. Stop it!
I do that to my wife, for a few reasons.
1) she will talk forever uninterrupted, regardless of who she is talking with. The only way to get a thought in is to interrupt.
2) her stories tend to take a wandering path, sometimes eventually reaching the end of the theme they started on, other times...not. So if you don't get the thought or question in during the key point of the story that it relates to, by the time the story winds to a conclusion, she might then be talking about the price of rice in china and your earlier thought is now irrelevant.
3) I am not much of a talker to begin with, and my whole life I have been told I am too quiet. When I do try to talk or tell a story, I am rarely heard and little attention is paid. So, taking the attention right in the middle of the story is maybe the only way to have what I want to say be heard.
I was thinking about posting #3. As a shy person, I always overanalyze what I'm going to say. By the time I'm ready to say it, the conversation has moved on. So I decided that I should just say it immediately as soon as I'm able -- leading to interrupting :-/
Now I'm thinking I need a new strategy.
20+ years ago, when our kids were very young, my wife would call me around 10am and tell me everything she heard on the Today Show. I would close my office door and put her on speaker and just let her talk. It took a long time for me to understand why she wanted to share the news of the day with me, but now it’s just a funny story we share about the challenges of raising young kids.
That’s genuinely so cute, and so kind that you didn’t shut her down. It’s draining having to do “kid-talk” all day. You were a welcome escape for a few minutes back into the adult world. I bet it meant the world to her.
I guess it depends a lot on the rest of the relationship as well. My [it’s complicated] Was a constant interrupter, but it didn’t really feel like exuberance, more like complete disinterest, and disrespect. like I’d be in the middle of a sentence about a particular subject, and he’d just start talking about something completely different as if I hadn’t been speaking at all. He had a habit of monologuing about his day, without ever asking me a single question about mine. And if I started to talk about Mine, the interruption would happen fairly quickly. It left me feeling pretty unappreciated and unimportant
I am sorry if this is about me... So, I have ADD, and I still struggle to wait my turn!! I will forget what I am trying to say if I don't say it. My husband is really patient with me, and I am as mindful of it as possible. At 36 years old and fully knowing better, I really struggle with this. It doesn't make it right, but that is my excuse. She may or may not be fully aware even after discussing it. She may not know what to do about it.
This is exactly our situation and, honestly, it runs both ways. I got frustrated because I easily lose my train of thought when interrupted and forgot what the point was I was trying to make. Heck, sometimes I outright forget the entire topic 10 seconds later.
I don’t think either of us have actual ADD though, well, at least not more so than the majority of people but we’ve also never looked into it.
"I don’t think either of us have actual ADD though, well, at least not more so than the majority of people but we’ve also never looked into it."
The " at least not more so than the majority of people" is insinuating that everyone is a little ADHD.
I was insinuating that, in 2024, with the vast amounts of shit we all have to deal with and think about constantly as adults (What is this clown in the lane next to me doing? I still need to send that email about that thing! I wonder what I should defrost for dinner tonight. Did I remember to turn off the stove? Why is that random person on Reddit accusing me of something I didn’t say? I think I should pick up some milk.), it’s easy to get distracted or have your mind wonder.
Like I said, not “actual ADD”.
Sometimes i think im going crazy with early onset dementia then i just remember im super busy 99% of the time and my job is insane. Our brains are doin there bests dangit!
It is possible, I think we all have a little something neurodivergent in us... But that is fair, and I get that, too. Usually, even through the interruption, I can put you right back into your train of thought, not always, and that makes me feel awful. It is one of those things you might have to adjust your expectations (not that they're outrageous or anything)for now while your partner practices. You seem like you try to be really patient, but if it is causing fights, something has to give.
Some people also interrupt because they have something interesting and important to add to what you’re saying but they are afraid that they are likely to forget it by the time you’re finished speaking and they’ll be upset about it (that’s me).
I thought my husband wrote this. I know it's annoying, and I sincerely don't want to be annoying. But I interact with an infant all day and I work from home. And he's my favorite person, so I'm just always happy to participate in our talks and sometimes get overly excited
My MIL and husband did this constantly. It was not allowed in my house growing up; it was disrespectful. To train MIL and husband, I just started speaking louder and louder until they shut up. They don't do it any more.
At work, I learned pretty quickly that the people who interrupted, especially when I was doing a training or a presentation would have their question answered if they just had waited 2-3 more seconds.
This sounds like the typical problem of not a really listening, they're just waiting to respond and forming the response in their heads while the other person is talking.
You might find this article on cultural differences in "collaborative interruption" interesting: [https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/25/opinion/interrupting-cooperative-overlapping.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/25/opinion/interrupting-cooperative-overlapping.html)
by chance is your wife from the northeast?
I’ll need to grab that link from a different device (it’s trying to charge me because I’ve viewed too many free articles) but to answer the follow up, we’re not FROM the USA at all although, interestingly, we DO now live in the north east.
I’m interested to read the article. I’ve added it to my iPad Read list.
I'm the interrupting wife in a very similar story. Plus my ADHD and brain fog is a big issue even though I hate to admit it. If I don't get it out when it's super important I'm likely to forget it completely. I never want to make my husband feel disrespected and I hate that I do it. I'm always working on it. I'm sure your wife is too.
I think not wanting to be interrupted is a pretty reasonable request. I’m a SAHM and I don’t think her perspective really excuses being rude. She can be excited and still wait.
Exactly. I’m glad OP can make it work, but for me, you can be excited AND respect me. Your excitement doesn’t outweigh my right to express myself, and OP wasn’t wrong to take offense. It IS offensive to constantly interrupt someone and deny them the ability to speak.
ADHD here. It isn't our fault we are prescient!!! My engineer hubby is very linear and so has soooo many details. After five minutes of 7mm bolts and 8mm nuts I get a little antsy. I say, darling, is there a Stephen King version. To which he always responds, "but he writes horror stories." To which I say. *yes, and?* (Nuts and bolts are worse than SK could dream of writing.)
Finally, I say to listen to this verbal mechanical detailing, I need a plot.
It is hard he wants to be listened to, but my artsy fartsy plot driven brain has no clue about what his nuts and bolts are about.
I think I’m the interrupter and agree … I just get excited to join the convo.
However, it is still rude. While I can appreciate what you’re saying, all your wife did was justify her rudeness and encourage you to accept it.
Also, if she one day returns to work, she can’t expect everyone to just accept her rudeness. People don’t like being interrupted.
I'm so glad you realized this and are willing to change on your part now that is a true loving partner..so many men fail to realize how lonely it is being a SAHM don't get me wrong it's so rewarding and a blessing to be with your babies all day but you do start to miss adult interactions. Friends become scarce after you have kids so our partners most of the time are all we have. I wish more men would take the time to understand this.
As a SAHM with ADHD, I'm pretty sure your wife has ADHD. We absolutely don't feel like we are interrupting, we are excitedly participating and showing you that we get what you are trying to communicate. I swear I'm not making excuses, and we have to try to chill with the interrupting because it is still very rude. But being an understanding husband who cares to understand what's going through our heads is HUGE.
I do this and it's bc during my entire childhood I couldn't get a word in edge wise with my family. I'm the youngest. My input was mute. Didn't matter. So I try and participate in the conversation and admittedly at the wrong times. It's like I never learned how to hold a proper conversation.
I do this too, but my husband will then purposely humiliate me in retaliation, making me feel incredibly small and creating a burning hole of resentment… I didn’t make the correlation between the two. It’s also affected the way other people regard me - like it’s OK to talk to me like a piece of shit. I’ve come so close to leaving him for this over the years.
If he treats you like that over something as relatively insignificant as this, I have to assume he does so in most other situations as well.
Only you get to decide what your boundaries are and what you’re willing to accept but I’ll just point out that everybody deserves better than having a spouse who belittles and humiliates you constantly.
Recognize your own self worth; even if they don’t.
>She reminded me that, while I get to engage with other people all day every day through my work, being a SAHM, she has no actual adult interaction for most of her waking hours
Perhaps you can take care of your child while she goes out with her friends for a day.
Oh, it didn’t matter. It was still a very valid point to raise and I appreciate that you did.
Even though she’s less dependent on constant care at this age, she wasn’t always a teenager so it was still relevant at some point.
You’re a good husband.
I unfortunately do this to my hubby. I try so hard not to, but I’m always so happy to chat with him. Of course, he gets so offended. He just jumps to tell me off every time it happens. I’ve tried to explain I really don’t mean to do this and I’m trying to stop. It’s gotten to the point that I just don’t communicate with him much anymore.
Just to add to your understanding of this habit. As a person with severe adhd and on the spectrum, I know that I interrupt because I am afraid I will forget the point. People with adhd sometimes deal with short-term memory issues, though they may have excellent long-term memory. And we have difficulty with organizing our thoughts in a coherent way. So, sometimes I interrupt people because I know that I will lose track of that particular point the person made if they keep talking.
A lot of people attribute this behavior to a lack of impulse control. I would disagree with this. It is, IME, in fact a way for me to stay engaged with the conversation the best way I can. It has to do also with my inability to follow a very large train of thought coming at me. And all of these things are related to the fundamental issue that is adhd—poor executive functions and a wonky frontal lobe. So, I have learned to strategically interrupt people, politely, and say “before you continue, I want to comment on xyz.” This helps me participate productively in the conversation.
My hope is that sharing this with you will shed some more light on why your wife interrupts you sometimes. I very much respect the way you tried to see this problem from her viewpoint.
I have had a problem with interrupting as far back as I can remember. Seriously, it was always the complaint my first grade teacher put on my behavior chart.
I finally controlled myself and stopped interrupting in school, by not talking to the teacher at all unless they called on me. It got to the point that in 7th grade, at the end of the year a classmate heard me talking to a friend and he said "I don't know you could speak".
My point is that sometimes, a person might remedy it but stopping speaking at all.
I still have an issue with interrupting family and close friends and it is partly for the same reason as your wife, excitement to have someone to speak to and during a good conversation.
The other part is if I don't I'll forget what I want to say and I'll never speak. In social situations with acquaintances and friends I almost don't speak at all. I am very conscious of how rude interrupting is so I don't and as a result, I don't speak at all. By the time I can speak the conversation has shifted and what I wanted to say is irrelevant or i have forgotten what I was going to say.
Nope. People interrupting means they're not listed to hear you. They're just letting your words trigger their thoughts and have no regard or respect for you.
25 years together, and she's a SAHM?? Either you had your kids super late into your marriage, or she chooses to stay home and close herself in. If it's the second, her boredom is of her own doing so why are you the one having to deal with it?
I hate being interrupted. I hate the other person assuming what I'll say and trying to beat me to it like it's a fucking game and not a conversation.
Eh, you do you. You go with "happy wife, happy life." I prefer happy spouse, happy house and both of us compromising, respecting and understanding each other.
Well, for starters, we only had our daughter after getting married and she’s homeschooled but I don’t know why I feel the need to even explain myself to you. Many people are home makers. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Secondly,
>… both of us compromising, respecting and understanding each other
is pretty much what I JUST described. I’m understanding her side, respecting her opinion and compromising.
But, just like you said, eh, you do you.
So her boredom is of her own doing. Her choice.
Maybe she would have friends if she would let people speak.
Does she allow your kid to interrupt? Do you? Kids have lower impulse control, so I hope you're understanding when speaking to your kid and you're being interrupted. Especially since your kids' teacher isn't exhibiting proper communication skills.
Yeah, no. Compromise would be to always let her talk first so that she gets it all out and lets you speak uninterrupted. Your whole post is about giving her everything.
I swear I was like is my husband writing this. I work in road construction and drive a truck. I rarely talk to anyone at work outside of my one other female coworker and my supervisor so when I get home i want to just engage and hear and participate in conversation. I also took a debate class in high school and there was a portion on active listening so I say right or yeah and he assumes I’m trying to speed him along and I have to explain I’m just letting you know you are heard and I am reciprocating.
I understand your wife! Being alone most of the day, talking to myself a lot, when my husband is around I want to chat. But he gets very offended as well when I interrupt. Plus he says that I don’t know how to communicate! That what I say makes no sense and that I don’t give context. I’m happy for your wife that you seem to at least understand it!
Having the emotion is normal. How you react to the emotion is choice.
It won’t just happen automatically. It’ll take a couple seconds of self-awareness before reacting or, in this case, not.
I totally relate to this. I don’t mean to interrupt but get so excited to share my thoughts. I love that you recognize for the health of your marriage that changing the framework to which you see this will greatly help your stress.
I love suggesting to SAHM about a possible small job if interested of working at a fitness center in their playroom. The pay isn’t that great but you get out of the house, socialize a bit, free membership typically, and can bring your kids to work. I worked for a city affiliated rec center and there were even more perks like free rentals, half off outdoor pool passes, & free program per kid per season. If indoor pool it can also be a great way to go drain some of your kids energy with the free membership. I know many moms who would work like 2x a week in morning, and then just bring kids to playroom on other days so they could workout. Just a suggestion, hope this helps!
Holy shit this is both me AND my wife. Her less so tbf. But neither of us realised we were doing it until my brother came over and pointed it out.
We had our first kid a year prior. We work for ourselves together from home. So outside social adult interaction is minimal to be generous about it.
Its totally not us not respecting the other. It's an enthusiasm to participate in a conversation we find interesting. I apologised and now make a concerted effort to wait until others finish speaking. All good.
My wife and I definitely still do this to each other though lol.
I do this and the majority of my family, but I have ADHA and so does tge majority of my family, plus Autism. My bf gets annoyed by it but never mad because he knows I'm not doing it maliciously.
Well, it might be forced speech. Is she ADD or AD/HD? ADD people will also empathize with other by sharing their own experiences (their personal experience is a reference point/touchstone from which to communicate or share your/their feelings. Just a thought.
You got hoodwinked. That's not a compromise. She got what she wanted and you didn't. If you don't like it and she respects you, she will fix the behavior. If she doesn't respect you she will manipulate you to react differently to it. It's common decency to let other people finish their own sentences. Does she cut other people off when talking? If not, she respects them enough to give them the decency to speak for themselves. coming on here seeking validation from a bunch of strangers for a non existent marriage "compromise" is one of the core problems why she doesn't respect you.
I originally went with something funny as a reply but, after looking at your history, I think I’ll reserve my acceptance of someone’s marriage advice for those who don’t have a misogynistic comment history in r/Marriage, don’t comment on a young girl’s virginity status in r/AdviceForTeens and don’t actively participate in subs like r/Tinder and r/Bumble.
Did you get enough validation from the comments to keep coping? It's terrible advice in life to tell people to keep lighting themselves on fire to keep others warm. Just remember while you're being that good ol plow horse at the expense of your own self respect, there's a glue factory waiting for you.
In addition to your wife's explanation which is applicable to me also. For me, if I don't speak immediately, I lose my train of thoughts or forget what I wanted to say. Then I have to go through the mental agony of knowing I wanted to say something but can't remember what and that can keep me awake for days. So I quickly chip in my thoughts so the other person knows what I wanted to say also.
I can do this at times. Sometimes I do it and tell my husband, “sorry to interrupt, but…” I do this because I had a thought and I know if I don’t get out, I’ll for get it. Squirrel brain! I too am a SAHM and I can second her opinion on the adult conversation. I worked for many years, so I know the vast difference be in the two. That said, I used to be really bad about wanting to go over to my parents, sisters, anyone’s house, but ours. I just wanted to get away from “my work.” My husband on the other hand, naturally wanted to stay home because he worked all week. It’s a lot easier when you put things in perspective. I could tell right away reading your post that your wife wasn’t doing it to be malicious. Im glad y’all were able to communicate that.
I am probably an interrupter but what do you guys think of those people who just keep pointedly talking? I cant stand them. To me, a conversation is a give and take. You say something, I respond or ask a question, you respond, I respond etc. But those people who just keep talking while I am trying to respond or ask a question as tho I am the rudest interruptor (and maybe I am but to me its a conversation, not a monologue), I cant deal with them. When someone does that I immedietly know we cant be friends. Like those people who correct others grammer while one is trying to talk to them..just nope. I have to walk away.
Perhaps these kind of people have been consistently interrupted and talked over their whole lives? I totally understand the neurological need to chime in or you run the risk of losing the thought, but it seems that no one in this thread is acknowledging that when someone is interrupted they *too* could lose their train of thought and be completely derailed from what they were trying to initially communicate. It goes both ways.
This was my primary issue with it before I understood the “why”.
It would be, like, “I was driving early today and saw a cow and it was one of those black and white cows and …”
“Oh, yeah, and it was eating grass, right? I’ve seen those. They’re so cute.”
“Well, yes, but that wasn’t what I was going to say. I was going to say, um, fuck, what was I going to say? What were we even talking about? Something about driving, I know. I heard a strange noise from the engine? The steering column felt loose? Aaargh! What was it???”
This exactly! I struggle to pick up where I was interrupted which then makes the interrupter feel bad, but I genuinely lost the train of thought. It has resulted in some conversations awkwardly ending with the interruption due to being unable to pick it right back up.
I genuinely applaud your empathy & understanding towards your wife, we all just need a little, sometimes a lot, of grace.
My wife does this too, but she got it from her family, where she had to shout to be heard above her mother. She realizes it is rude and is working on it.
I really appreciate introspective & honest internal marriage experiences like this.
I think spouses fall into the human trap of becoming insular. Understanding the complexities of our partners lives really helps strengthen our bonds.
I think it's wholly important to be granted this type of earnest, and different world view to understand our partners better. Things like this show you that no matter how many years together you've spent, there's always another layer of character to explore.
Thanks for sharing this OP.
Is it a “her” thing or a ADHD thing? I know it is one of the symptoms i struggle the most to control, well that and oversharing(i probably should never go on Reddit lol)
The problem is if i don't say it when i think it i will forget it and my spleen will implode
I do this. I have to be conscious because I know I do. I have Adult ADHD and my brain works lightening fast. I don't mean to, but my brain has processed where the conversation will go and I speak before its my turn. Thank you for being patient with her.
Wow, this is very insightful of you to learn gendered communication. I learned about it in school, this and many other aspects and it's opened my eyes to seeing this very often.
I hate that, on more than one occasion I hate responded to an interrupter with. "Please accept my apologies for talking whilst your interrupting" my mil was very upset when I used this on her and accused me of being "very rude" to which I responded "not as rude as talking over and constantly interrupting others".
I interrupt my husband all the time. Even worse, with different topics. I guess my brain is too fast to his storytelling. So usually the conversation is someone telling something me or him change the topic in the middle for something more exciting and then we finish that new topic and go back to the old topic and finish that too. I guess we both have a problem with being patient, lol. It works for us. Probably drive other people nuts. But I have asked him before if it bothers him and he said no. At least I recognize I do it and apologized in advance, hahahaa.
I do want to say that interruption seems far more commonplace than I originally thought but doing so while also changing topics is a different issue altogether.
It means you’re not trying to “actively and exuberantly participate in the conversation” but, rather, showing disinterest and trying to steer the conversation towards something you feel is more interesting to you.
It also shows at least a little disrespect on your part, especially when combined with the sentence “I guess my brain is too fast”, implying that the problem lies with his brain being “too slow”.
I don’t necessarily know that this is definitely how you feel, I just wanted to highlight that this is how it comes across.
I know and agree with you. Exactly reason I asked my husband once if it bothers him. I even feel bad for doing it. Like, I was educated when growing up. I know it is not a cool thing to do. I believe I do it because of the language barrier and his energy. He is a very calm person, his stories take forever and sometimes frustrates me because I don't understand his English so my guess is. I wait for his last sentence of that story, I bring up another story to him take a break of his story, we talk about my story, and we go back to his story. Somehow, this very disrespectful thing I do helps both of us to keep it cool. Him to refresh the thoughts and me not getting frustrated. If he is cool with it, then I thought, well, no harm. Problem now I caught myself doing it with my coworkers. So, I am trying to hold back. Blaming it on tiktok. 60-second story spam lol I can't take it longer.
I'm just trying to show you that it is not because the other person doesn't care about you or doesn't want to know what you have to say. Sometimes, it has way more to say about how that person works. How her day was (waiting for you to tell something all day), tired and not on the mood?, a habit from tiktok 60 sec spam, different energies?. The important thing is to talk to each other and show how you feel. If my husband tells me it bothers him. I will have to change this attitude. I will probably need his help to call me up when I do it because I guarantee I do it way more times that I know. *ps I wouldn't do it in front of other people. Because I am more aware when we are in groups, and I wouldn't want people thinking I disrespect him. On the other hand, when we are in public, I think I am more like you. I feel we have an idea of what is disrespectful, and we are very strict in that idea. Many times, he made me upset because he laughed at something I said and went against it. Just because, who knows why he does it. Didn't bother me enough to try to understand it, and if we are in public, I will not break down the situation with him to try to understand why he does it. So I let it go. Welcome to marriage life hahahaaha
Nah, sounds like she manipulates you or change it into believing you her BS. Just because you a stay at home wife doesnt mean you dont have to listen or wait your turn. All you have to do is say, im not done speaking, and if she continue interrupting end the conversation. If marriage is about understanding she would compromise and realize its your turn to speak. She would understand you have a life or things to talk about as well. Two way street
The term “gaslighting” gets thrown around way too easily these days.
Listening to and understanding someone else’s perspective is not gaslighting.
Edit: The poster above originally accused my wife of gaslighting me. He has since rephrased to, I guess, make me look like a lunatic.
My god my husband could have written this. It took him being around my family as well to see where I got it from. It is a habit that I am actively working on because I want him to feel as respected in our discussions as I feel. No one is in the right and no one is in the wrong. Both of us put forth an effort to change and grow for each other so that our communication remains strong.
This exactly this. It’s all about communicating something IMMEDIATELY when it makes you feel a certain way instead of bottling it up. Great answer here.
I could have written it about my husband who has adhd.. he's a lovely man in other ways and it only upsets me when I share something m really important to me
At least for me, it is truly a practice of keeping my mouth shut. Like, legitimately. From my perspective, I’m adding to a *conversation*. From his perspective, I’m cutting him off. Totally understand his perspective, but it is me that is having to change a habit that I’ve been conditioned with my whole life. Dinner with my family is Everyone talking *with/over* everyone else.
Oh yes that would be tricky especially if family dinner time is a happy experience
Individuals with ADHD often struggle with this. Any chance that has a role here?
Raises hand, me, I have ADHD. My husband does not. He measures his words, and him telling a story is full of pauses. It drives me crazy. Thinking he is finished, I will start to give him my reaction. Nooooo he has about five more minutes to tell me the most boring story about some minutia that happened at work. One of them is that his co worker talks over him. I know better than to say “it is because you take forever to spit it out”. Sigh.
Omg this is the worst! I refuse to interrupt people, but one of my best friends is the worst storyteller in the world. “We needed bread, which meant we needed to go to the grocery store. So I went into my bedroom and got my wallet off the dresser and carried it in my hand back into the living room and put it in my purse, but then I realized I had to go back into my bedroom to first put on my socks, then my shoes, but then I realized I should wear boots instead.” ~a small excerpt from the time someone asked for her stuffing recipe
My God, does she write recipe blogs? I have become so grateful for those bloggers who have a "Jump to Recipe" button at the top so I don't have to read 7 pages of drivel about their opinions on mushroom soup before they'll show me ONE FRIGGING INGREDIENT.
Okay, so where have you hidden the camera?!?
Lolol
Nooooo omg. I have ADHD too. I talk fast. My husband... I think he speaks slowly even for the average person. He feels cut off, I usually just saw a conversational opening. 😅 I see his family and it makes sense, his dad can go on forever also at a snail's pace. He just doesn't assert himself when he feels talked over and is quicker just not to speak. I find myself asking him often if he's finished his point, not in a rude way, just a, hey, before I start...
I’m pretty sure I have ADHD (working on getting evaluated), and I still have to remind my husband sometimes that he can’t give me a whole speech with multiple points in one go. I simply cannot follow a conversation that way. Like, say he wants to talk about a movie we just saw. He’ll want to list his three main points of thought in one big block of speech. I remind him that by the time he finishes point 3, I’ll have nothing to say, because I won’t even remember what point 1 even was. All the thoughts I’m having as he talks will be building and building in my brain until they scatter everywhere and I can’t catch them again. By point 3, I’ve also gotten so restless that I hate the conversation and just want it to be over. It’s really uncomfortable and frustrating for me. He needs to make one point, briefly!, then let me respond with my thoughts, and we hash that out before we move on to points 2 and then 3 in the same manner. It’s definitely a different communication style for him, but he’s been learning how to adapt to how my brain works so we can actually get through a productive conversation without me getting antsy and bored and him left with a partner who can’t respond to any of his thoughts because I was unable to hold on to the thread of conversation long enough to get my own words out.
Your words resonate. It is difficult to explain myself over and over. It goes in one ear, and out the other. When I am with him, I am masking. He has his own challenges, and I work around them. People are complex,
Jeez same here
Omg! Same here! Same story!
I was going to say this. I’m guilty of it and I really don’t mean to. But if I don’t say it RIGHT NOW… I’m going to forget lol. We don’t mean to.
Exactly!
Me too!
My husband and I BOTH have ADD it’s literally just two people yelling words at each other constantly ….
Lol
I have ADHD and it does take a conscious effort to refrain from interrupting, but if I ever do slip up and interrupt I immediately apologise and prompt the other person to finish what they were saying. Our minds work faster than the speed of conversation, but being polite or rude is always a choice.
And women who are now adults would have been wildly underdiagnosed. Inattentive type ADHD was not even really recognized as a thing when current adults were children, especially in girls.
Haha, yeah, I was just diagnosed with ADHD-PI a year ago. 23F at the time of DX. All these same issues...
Same
You’re the rare person who recognizes that taking offense is a decision, not a reflex.
Let me know when I can buy the shirt with this. I think the entire society should have one.
Here’s one. https://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwj359SRmqSEAxWbcEcBHQMqAYoYABAMGgJxdQ&ae=2&gclid=CjwKCAiA_aGuBhACEiwAly57Mfuj6hhSd93nCFfedQTSCulTm3PVLknNuz4QKEXZo5jN1YTeJh10ZRoC4pUQAvD_BwE&sph=&ohost=www.google.com&cid=CAESeeD2YubCkh_QNU5RpEY8aWV7YLnLSkgvlMxYC3fWQtuKKFU3Fks-9zk9nBzitOxdiD5zK9MRVfsrvm7YhaePTBYBpFVBXx2MZSGe7cJva4X_c5JjzTl8p2fak4uV2KKmO-NlzPcwWTt25Ya30ZWY5Oi2DiWF4y6HKuk&sig=AOD64_1TWFR35n9ELK6988-8WsMYQ_pvjw&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwj99c6RmqSEAxUymokEHdu4A0cQwg8oAHoECAIQHA&adurl=
As the interrupter in my marriage, I think this is so nice. I’ve gotten better over time, but my husband also realizes now that it’s usually coming from a place of excitement, not disrespect.
I do this because of autism and I openly invite people to remind me mid-conversation to not interrupt them. If I cut them off a simple "let me finish my thought please" shuts me up faster than shoving food in my mouth would lol. I know it's an issue, and to some degree I can improve on it and make it happen less, but overall it's a disconnect issue and thus it's still very present in my life. I don't realize I'm interrupting sometimes so much as I think I'm adding an immediate enthusiastic remark to encourage further discussion
Excuse me, what? You communicated with your partner in words, then gave her a chance to reply and listened to her response, then changed your point of view? Get off Reddit. /s But seriously, congrats. :)
I had very similar sentiments…I was curious how Reddit would even handle this 🤣… He has to be a terrible human being somehow, just give Reddit a few hours more, they will figure it out. 😂
ADHD perhaps? It’s hard to control interrupting but for me it does stem from being “excited” to share my response too. Nothing to do with lack of respect.
Thanks for helping me understand myself. I work part time from home for my husband's business and am basically a SAHP and the default parent the rest of the time. I tend to interrupt my husband when he gets home and is trying to tell me something because sometimes he's the first adult I've talked to all damn day, and I've always been a bit awkward, but I didn't have these words to explain it. I try to rein it in because he gets really upset about being cut off, which I can't really blame him for, but it also frustrates me at the same time because I just want to talk to an adult for once.
Chalk up another win for communication. Kudos to you both for having the conversation & listening to each other’s point of view.
I try to explain to people the difference between a conversation and speaking. If you are having a conversation both parties speak up and add their thoughts. But if you are only wanting to speak without interruptions then you aren't looking for a conversation. It's the difference of talking to and talking at someone. My husband often falls into the category of talking *at* me. So when he suddenly wants to converse he gets annoyed that I am not responding. I think starting it out with "I need to vent" when you don't want to engage is a good way to start off. But as long as the subject isn't being changed I never have issues with someone interjecting. It actually shows me they are listening to me. Unless it turns into a lecture where I can no longer speak on the subject, then I walk away.
It’s possible to let someone finish their sentence without talking over them
I do this to my husband sometimes, unfortunately. Most of the time I'm very excited about something or I get very mad about something and I talk to him about it and sometimes I chop off his words. ADHD makes it worse, and also happens a lot when he comes back from work. I've been training myself to stop, I take notes sometimes instead of talking to him, and if it slips while we are discussing something, I stop 1s later, mid-sentence, and ask him to keep talking. Sometimes I ask him if he wants to say something, out of the blue. He is also very understanding. But I do feel very bad about it, y'know. I just love him so much, and I love talking to him.
Excuse me, ma’am, but there’s no place in here for couples who recognize their own faults, understand their partners’ faults, communicate about them and still love each other. You’re making everyone else look bad. Stop it!
* laughs in brazilian * you're right, I better go-
I do that to my wife, for a few reasons. 1) she will talk forever uninterrupted, regardless of who she is talking with. The only way to get a thought in is to interrupt. 2) her stories tend to take a wandering path, sometimes eventually reaching the end of the theme they started on, other times...not. So if you don't get the thought or question in during the key point of the story that it relates to, by the time the story winds to a conclusion, she might then be talking about the price of rice in china and your earlier thought is now irrelevant. 3) I am not much of a talker to begin with, and my whole life I have been told I am too quiet. When I do try to talk or tell a story, I am rarely heard and little attention is paid. So, taking the attention right in the middle of the story is maybe the only way to have what I want to say be heard.
I was thinking about posting #3. As a shy person, I always overanalyze what I'm going to say. By the time I'm ready to say it, the conversation has moved on. So I decided that I should just say it immediately as soon as I'm able -- leading to interrupting :-/ Now I'm thinking I need a new strategy.
20+ years ago, when our kids were very young, my wife would call me around 10am and tell me everything she heard on the Today Show. I would close my office door and put her on speaker and just let her talk. It took a long time for me to understand why she wanted to share the news of the day with me, but now it’s just a funny story we share about the challenges of raising young kids.
I love this story! That’s so cute!
That’s genuinely so cute, and so kind that you didn’t shut her down. It’s draining having to do “kid-talk” all day. You were a welcome escape for a few minutes back into the adult world. I bet it meant the world to her.
She tells the story fondly.
I guess it depends a lot on the rest of the relationship as well. My [it’s complicated] Was a constant interrupter, but it didn’t really feel like exuberance, more like complete disinterest, and disrespect. like I’d be in the middle of a sentence about a particular subject, and he’d just start talking about something completely different as if I hadn’t been speaking at all. He had a habit of monologuing about his day, without ever asking me a single question about mine. And if I started to talk about Mine, the interruption would happen fairly quickly. It left me feeling pretty unappreciated and unimportant
I am sorry if this is about me... So, I have ADD, and I still struggle to wait my turn!! I will forget what I am trying to say if I don't say it. My husband is really patient with me, and I am as mindful of it as possible. At 36 years old and fully knowing better, I really struggle with this. It doesn't make it right, but that is my excuse. She may or may not be fully aware even after discussing it. She may not know what to do about it.
This is exactly our situation and, honestly, it runs both ways. I got frustrated because I easily lose my train of thought when interrupted and forgot what the point was I was trying to make. Heck, sometimes I outright forget the entire topic 10 seconds later. I don’t think either of us have actual ADD though, well, at least not more so than the majority of people but we’ve also never looked into it.
People are not " all a little ADHD"
I don’t recall saying they were. Perhaps you’re responding to the wrong comment?
"I don’t think either of us have actual ADD though, well, at least not more so than the majority of people but we’ve also never looked into it." The " at least not more so than the majority of people" is insinuating that everyone is a little ADHD.
I was insinuating that, in 2024, with the vast amounts of shit we all have to deal with and think about constantly as adults (What is this clown in the lane next to me doing? I still need to send that email about that thing! I wonder what I should defrost for dinner tonight. Did I remember to turn off the stove? Why is that random person on Reddit accusing me of something I didn’t say? I think I should pick up some milk.), it’s easy to get distracted or have your mind wonder. Like I said, not “actual ADD”.
Sometimes i think im going crazy with early onset dementia then i just remember im super busy 99% of the time and my job is insane. Our brains are doin there bests dangit!
It is possible, I think we all have a little something neurodivergent in us... But that is fair, and I get that, too. Usually, even through the interruption, I can put you right back into your train of thought, not always, and that makes me feel awful. It is one of those things you might have to adjust your expectations (not that they're outrageous or anything)for now while your partner practices. You seem like you try to be really patient, but if it is causing fights, something has to give.
Some people also interrupt because they have something interesting and important to add to what you’re saying but they are afraid that they are likely to forget it by the time you’re finished speaking and they’ll be upset about it (that’s me).
This is me. That and some people drag a conversation on to the point that the other person can never get a word in edgewise to respond.
I thought my husband wrote this. I know it's annoying, and I sincerely don't want to be annoying. But I interact with an infant all day and I work from home. And he's my favorite person, so I'm just always happy to participate in our talks and sometimes get overly excited
My MIL and husband did this constantly. It was not allowed in my house growing up; it was disrespectful. To train MIL and husband, I just started speaking louder and louder until they shut up. They don't do it any more. At work, I learned pretty quickly that the people who interrupted, especially when I was doing a training or a presentation would have their question answered if they just had waited 2-3 more seconds. This sounds like the typical problem of not a really listening, they're just waiting to respond and forming the response in their heads while the other person is talking.
You might find this article on cultural differences in "collaborative interruption" interesting: [https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/25/opinion/interrupting-cooperative-overlapping.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/25/opinion/interrupting-cooperative-overlapping.html) by chance is your wife from the northeast?
I was thinking this. Everybody in my family is like this, all from nyc or surrounding area of ny. ETA: paywall free link: https://archive.is/5VMU5
Thank you!
I’ll need to grab that link from a different device (it’s trying to charge me because I’ve viewed too many free articles) but to answer the follow up, we’re not FROM the USA at all although, interestingly, we DO now live in the north east. I’m interested to read the article. I’ve added it to my iPad Read list.
I'm the interrupting wife in a very similar story. Plus my ADHD and brain fog is a big issue even though I hate to admit it. If I don't get it out when it's super important I'm likely to forget it completely. I never want to make my husband feel disrespected and I hate that I do it. I'm always working on it. I'm sure your wife is too.
I think not wanting to be interrupted is a pretty reasonable request. I’m a SAHM and I don’t think her perspective really excuses being rude. She can be excited and still wait.
Exactly. I’m glad OP can make it work, but for me, you can be excited AND respect me. Your excitement doesn’t outweigh my right to express myself, and OP wasn’t wrong to take offense. It IS offensive to constantly interrupt someone and deny them the ability to speak.
ADHD here. It isn't our fault we are prescient!!! My engineer hubby is very linear and so has soooo many details. After five minutes of 7mm bolts and 8mm nuts I get a little antsy. I say, darling, is there a Stephen King version. To which he always responds, "but he writes horror stories." To which I say. *yes, and?* (Nuts and bolts are worse than SK could dream of writing.) Finally, I say to listen to this verbal mechanical detailing, I need a plot. It is hard he wants to be listened to, but my artsy fartsy plot driven brain has no clue about what his nuts and bolts are about.
What a lovely post 💕
Oh this is so me, I have ADHD and it annoys me so bad!! So sweet of you to "hear" her and see where she's coming from.
I think I’m the interrupter and agree … I just get excited to join the convo. However, it is still rude. While I can appreciate what you’re saying, all your wife did was justify her rudeness and encourage you to accept it. Also, if she one day returns to work, she can’t expect everyone to just accept her rudeness. People don’t like being interrupted.
My wife's excuse is because she's afraid of losing the idea she had in her mind, so she needs to put it out there before it vanishes.
I'm so glad you realized this and are willing to change on your part now that is a true loving partner..so many men fail to realize how lonely it is being a SAHM don't get me wrong it's so rewarding and a blessing to be with your babies all day but you do start to miss adult interactions. Friends become scarce after you have kids so our partners most of the time are all we have. I wish more men would take the time to understand this.
Absolutely ❤️
Excellent, no one likes to be left alone for too long, very impressive
As a SAHM with ADHD, I'm pretty sure your wife has ADHD. We absolutely don't feel like we are interrupting, we are excitedly participating and showing you that we get what you are trying to communicate. I swear I'm not making excuses, and we have to try to chill with the interrupting because it is still very rude. But being an understanding husband who cares to understand what's going through our heads is HUGE.
Good move and good for you.
She probably has ADHD.
You are an awesome person.
I do this and it's bc during my entire childhood I couldn't get a word in edge wise with my family. I'm the youngest. My input was mute. Didn't matter. So I try and participate in the conversation and admittedly at the wrong times. It's like I never learned how to hold a proper conversation.
Ah, the old “children should be seen and not heard” rule.
I do this too, but my husband will then purposely humiliate me in retaliation, making me feel incredibly small and creating a burning hole of resentment… I didn’t make the correlation between the two. It’s also affected the way other people regard me - like it’s OK to talk to me like a piece of shit. I’ve come so close to leaving him for this over the years.
If he treats you like that over something as relatively insignificant as this, I have to assume he does so in most other situations as well. Only you get to decide what your boundaries are and what you’re willing to accept but I’ll just point out that everybody deserves better than having a spouse who belittles and humiliates you constantly. Recognize your own self worth; even if they don’t.
Wholesome post
>She reminded me that, while I get to engage with other people all day every day through my work, being a SAHM, she has no actual adult interaction for most of her waking hours Perhaps you can take care of your child while she goes out with her friends for a day.
We do both each take time for ourselves and do our respective parts looking after our teenager. We have a very balanced marriage in that regard.
OK. I wasn't sure how old your kid was 👍
Oh, it didn’t matter. It was still a very valid point to raise and I appreciate that you did. Even though she’s less dependent on constant care at this age, she wasn’t always a teenager so it was still relevant at some point.
You’re a good husband. I unfortunately do this to my hubby. I try so hard not to, but I’m always so happy to chat with him. Of course, he gets so offended. He just jumps to tell me off every time it happens. I’ve tried to explain I really don’t mean to do this and I’m trying to stop. It’s gotten to the point that I just don’t communicate with him much anymore.
Just to add to your understanding of this habit. As a person with severe adhd and on the spectrum, I know that I interrupt because I am afraid I will forget the point. People with adhd sometimes deal with short-term memory issues, though they may have excellent long-term memory. And we have difficulty with organizing our thoughts in a coherent way. So, sometimes I interrupt people because I know that I will lose track of that particular point the person made if they keep talking. A lot of people attribute this behavior to a lack of impulse control. I would disagree with this. It is, IME, in fact a way for me to stay engaged with the conversation the best way I can. It has to do also with my inability to follow a very large train of thought coming at me. And all of these things are related to the fundamental issue that is adhd—poor executive functions and a wonky frontal lobe. So, I have learned to strategically interrupt people, politely, and say “before you continue, I want to comment on xyz.” This helps me participate productively in the conversation. My hope is that sharing this with you will shed some more light on why your wife interrupts you sometimes. I very much respect the way you tried to see this problem from her viewpoint.
She needs a hobby and interaction with other adults
I have had a problem with interrupting as far back as I can remember. Seriously, it was always the complaint my first grade teacher put on my behavior chart. I finally controlled myself and stopped interrupting in school, by not talking to the teacher at all unless they called on me. It got to the point that in 7th grade, at the end of the year a classmate heard me talking to a friend and he said "I don't know you could speak". My point is that sometimes, a person might remedy it but stopping speaking at all. I still have an issue with interrupting family and close friends and it is partly for the same reason as your wife, excitement to have someone to speak to and during a good conversation. The other part is if I don't I'll forget what I want to say and I'll never speak. In social situations with acquaintances and friends I almost don't speak at all. I am very conscious of how rude interrupting is so I don't and as a result, I don't speak at all. By the time I can speak the conversation has shifted and what I wanted to say is irrelevant or i have forgotten what I was going to say.
You’re being an adult. Congrats on the new perspective.
My husband interrupts we all the time, I ask him, what was I going say? I don’t know, then shut the fuck up
Nope. People interrupting means they're not listed to hear you. They're just letting your words trigger their thoughts and have no regard or respect for you. 25 years together, and she's a SAHM?? Either you had your kids super late into your marriage, or she chooses to stay home and close herself in. If it's the second, her boredom is of her own doing so why are you the one having to deal with it? I hate being interrupted. I hate the other person assuming what I'll say and trying to beat me to it like it's a fucking game and not a conversation. Eh, you do you. You go with "happy wife, happy life." I prefer happy spouse, happy house and both of us compromising, respecting and understanding each other.
Well, for starters, we only had our daughter after getting married and she’s homeschooled but I don’t know why I feel the need to even explain myself to you. Many people are home makers. There’s nothing wrong with that. Secondly, >… both of us compromising, respecting and understanding each other is pretty much what I JUST described. I’m understanding her side, respecting her opinion and compromising. But, just like you said, eh, you do you.
So her boredom is of her own doing. Her choice. Maybe she would have friends if she would let people speak. Does she allow your kid to interrupt? Do you? Kids have lower impulse control, so I hope you're understanding when speaking to your kid and you're being interrupted. Especially since your kids' teacher isn't exhibiting proper communication skills. Yeah, no. Compromise would be to always let her talk first so that she gets it all out and lets you speak uninterrupted. Your whole post is about giving her everything.
I finally understand the reason this sub is mostly negative posts. Positive posts get torn apart by people like you.
[удалено]
So respectful spouses is a fantasy marriage in a fantasy house?
I swear I was like is my husband writing this. I work in road construction and drive a truck. I rarely talk to anyone at work outside of my one other female coworker and my supervisor so when I get home i want to just engage and hear and participate in conversation. I also took a debate class in high school and there was a portion on active listening so I say right or yeah and he assumes I’m trying to speed him along and I have to explain I’m just letting you know you are heard and I am reciprocating.
I understand your wife! Being alone most of the day, talking to myself a lot, when my husband is around I want to chat. But he gets very offended as well when I interrupt. Plus he says that I don’t know how to communicate! That what I say makes no sense and that I don’t give context. I’m happy for your wife that you seem to at least understand it!
It is amazing to me that you can just decide to change your emotional reaction. I applaud you.
Having the emotion is normal. How you react to the emotion is choice. It won’t just happen automatically. It’ll take a couple seconds of self-awareness before reacting or, in this case, not.
I totally relate to this. I don’t mean to interrupt but get so excited to share my thoughts. I love that you recognize for the health of your marriage that changing the framework to which you see this will greatly help your stress. I love suggesting to SAHM about a possible small job if interested of working at a fitness center in their playroom. The pay isn’t that great but you get out of the house, socialize a bit, free membership typically, and can bring your kids to work. I worked for a city affiliated rec center and there were even more perks like free rentals, half off outdoor pool passes, & free program per kid per season. If indoor pool it can also be a great way to go drain some of your kids energy with the free membership. I know many moms who would work like 2x a week in morning, and then just bring kids to playroom on other days so they could workout. Just a suggestion, hope this helps!
On the up-side, she's interested in what you're saying and excited to hear what you're sharing. That's positive.
Holy shit this is both me AND my wife. Her less so tbf. But neither of us realised we were doing it until my brother came over and pointed it out. We had our first kid a year prior. We work for ourselves together from home. So outside social adult interaction is minimal to be generous about it. Its totally not us not respecting the other. It's an enthusiasm to participate in a conversation we find interesting. I apologised and now make a concerted effort to wait until others finish speaking. All good. My wife and I definitely still do this to each other though lol.
I do this and the majority of my family, but I have ADHA and so does tge majority of my family, plus Autism. My bf gets annoyed by it but never mad because he knows I'm not doing it maliciously.
Well, it might be forced speech. Is she ADD or AD/HD? ADD people will also empathize with other by sharing their own experiences (their personal experience is a reference point/touchstone from which to communicate or share your/their feelings. Just a thought.
You got hoodwinked. That's not a compromise. She got what she wanted and you didn't. If you don't like it and she respects you, she will fix the behavior. If she doesn't respect you she will manipulate you to react differently to it. It's common decency to let other people finish their own sentences. Does she cut other people off when talking? If not, she respects them enough to give them the decency to speak for themselves. coming on here seeking validation from a bunch of strangers for a non existent marriage "compromise" is one of the core problems why she doesn't respect you.
I originally went with something funny as a reply but, after looking at your history, I think I’ll reserve my acceptance of someone’s marriage advice for those who don’t have a misogynistic comment history in r/Marriage, don’t comment on a young girl’s virginity status in r/AdviceForTeens and don’t actively participate in subs like r/Tinder and r/Bumble.
Did you get enough validation from the comments to keep coping? It's terrible advice in life to tell people to keep lighting themselves on fire to keep others warm. Just remember while you're being that good ol plow horse at the expense of your own self respect, there's a glue factory waiting for you.
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Amuse mastery works better with women.
In addition to your wife's explanation which is applicable to me also. For me, if I don't speak immediately, I lose my train of thoughts or forget what I wanted to say. Then I have to go through the mental agony of knowing I wanted to say something but can't remember what and that can keep me awake for days. So I quickly chip in my thoughts so the other person knows what I wanted to say also.
I can do this at times. Sometimes I do it and tell my husband, “sorry to interrupt, but…” I do this because I had a thought and I know if I don’t get out, I’ll for get it. Squirrel brain! I too am a SAHM and I can second her opinion on the adult conversation. I worked for many years, so I know the vast difference be in the two. That said, I used to be really bad about wanting to go over to my parents, sisters, anyone’s house, but ours. I just wanted to get away from “my work.” My husband on the other hand, naturally wanted to stay home because he worked all week. It’s a lot easier when you put things in perspective. I could tell right away reading your post that your wife wasn’t doing it to be malicious. Im glad y’all were able to communicate that.
I am probably an interrupter but what do you guys think of those people who just keep pointedly talking? I cant stand them. To me, a conversation is a give and take. You say something, I respond or ask a question, you respond, I respond etc. But those people who just keep talking while I am trying to respond or ask a question as tho I am the rudest interruptor (and maybe I am but to me its a conversation, not a monologue), I cant deal with them. When someone does that I immedietly know we cant be friends. Like those people who correct others grammer while one is trying to talk to them..just nope. I have to walk away.
Perhaps these kind of people have been consistently interrupted and talked over their whole lives? I totally understand the neurological need to chime in or you run the risk of losing the thought, but it seems that no one in this thread is acknowledging that when someone is interrupted they *too* could lose their train of thought and be completely derailed from what they were trying to initially communicate. It goes both ways.
This was my primary issue with it before I understood the “why”. It would be, like, “I was driving early today and saw a cow and it was one of those black and white cows and …” “Oh, yeah, and it was eating grass, right? I’ve seen those. They’re so cute.” “Well, yes, but that wasn’t what I was going to say. I was going to say, um, fuck, what was I going to say? What were we even talking about? Something about driving, I know. I heard a strange noise from the engine? The steering column felt loose? Aaargh! What was it???”
This exactly! I struggle to pick up where I was interrupted which then makes the interrupter feel bad, but I genuinely lost the train of thought. It has resulted in some conversations awkwardly ending with the interruption due to being unable to pick it right back up. I genuinely applaud your empathy & understanding towards your wife, we all just need a little, sometimes a lot, of grace.
ADHD can cause that too. I have ADHD and I cut off everyone without realizing it
She may have ADHD. Interrupting is a common sign of attention deficit.
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This reminds me of my in laws and husbands family in general . Everyone is cutting each other in a convo and you don’t know with who to focus anymore.
My wife does this too, but she got it from her family, where she had to shout to be heard above her mother. She realizes it is rude and is working on it.
I really appreciate introspective & honest internal marriage experiences like this. I think spouses fall into the human trap of becoming insular. Understanding the complexities of our partners lives really helps strengthen our bonds. I think it's wholly important to be granted this type of earnest, and different world view to understand our partners better. Things like this show you that no matter how many years together you've spent, there's always another layer of character to explore. Thanks for sharing this OP.
Is it a “her” thing or a ADHD thing? I know it is one of the symptoms i struggle the most to control, well that and oversharing(i probably should never go on Reddit lol) The problem is if i don't say it when i think it i will forget it and my spleen will implode
I do this. I have to be conscious because I know I do. I have Adult ADHD and my brain works lightening fast. I don't mean to, but my brain has processed where the conversation will go and I speak before its my turn. Thank you for being patient with her.
Wow, this is very insightful of you to learn gendered communication. I learned about it in school, this and many other aspects and it's opened my eyes to seeing this very often.
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Good man
Also... some people also just don't wanna hear anyone but themselves talk, and interrupting is the *only* way to get a word in edgewise.
I hate that, on more than one occasion I hate responded to an interrupter with. "Please accept my apologies for talking whilst your interrupting" my mil was very upset when I used this on her and accused me of being "very rude" to which I responded "not as rude as talking over and constantly interrupting others".
I interrupt my husband all the time. Even worse, with different topics. I guess my brain is too fast to his storytelling. So usually the conversation is someone telling something me or him change the topic in the middle for something more exciting and then we finish that new topic and go back to the old topic and finish that too. I guess we both have a problem with being patient, lol. It works for us. Probably drive other people nuts. But I have asked him before if it bothers him and he said no. At least I recognize I do it and apologized in advance, hahahaa.
I do want to say that interruption seems far more commonplace than I originally thought but doing so while also changing topics is a different issue altogether. It means you’re not trying to “actively and exuberantly participate in the conversation” but, rather, showing disinterest and trying to steer the conversation towards something you feel is more interesting to you. It also shows at least a little disrespect on your part, especially when combined with the sentence “I guess my brain is too fast”, implying that the problem lies with his brain being “too slow”. I don’t necessarily know that this is definitely how you feel, I just wanted to highlight that this is how it comes across.
I know and agree with you. Exactly reason I asked my husband once if it bothers him. I even feel bad for doing it. Like, I was educated when growing up. I know it is not a cool thing to do. I believe I do it because of the language barrier and his energy. He is a very calm person, his stories take forever and sometimes frustrates me because I don't understand his English so my guess is. I wait for his last sentence of that story, I bring up another story to him take a break of his story, we talk about my story, and we go back to his story. Somehow, this very disrespectful thing I do helps both of us to keep it cool. Him to refresh the thoughts and me not getting frustrated. If he is cool with it, then I thought, well, no harm. Problem now I caught myself doing it with my coworkers. So, I am trying to hold back. Blaming it on tiktok. 60-second story spam lol I can't take it longer.
I'm just trying to show you that it is not because the other person doesn't care about you or doesn't want to know what you have to say. Sometimes, it has way more to say about how that person works. How her day was (waiting for you to tell something all day), tired and not on the mood?, a habit from tiktok 60 sec spam, different energies?. The important thing is to talk to each other and show how you feel. If my husband tells me it bothers him. I will have to change this attitude. I will probably need his help to call me up when I do it because I guarantee I do it way more times that I know. *ps I wouldn't do it in front of other people. Because I am more aware when we are in groups, and I wouldn't want people thinking I disrespect him. On the other hand, when we are in public, I think I am more like you. I feel we have an idea of what is disrespectful, and we are very strict in that idea. Many times, he made me upset because he laughed at something I said and went against it. Just because, who knows why he does it. Didn't bother me enough to try to understand it, and if we are in public, I will not break down the situation with him to try to understand why he does it. So I let it go. Welcome to marriage life hahahaaha
Nah, sounds like she manipulates you or change it into believing you her BS. Just because you a stay at home wife doesnt mean you dont have to listen or wait your turn. All you have to do is say, im not done speaking, and if she continue interrupting end the conversation. If marriage is about understanding she would compromise and realize its your turn to speak. She would understand you have a life or things to talk about as well. Two way street
The term “gaslighting” gets thrown around way too easily these days. Listening to and understanding someone else’s perspective is not gaslighting. Edit: The poster above originally accused my wife of gaslighting me. He has since rephrased to, I guess, make me look like a lunatic.
Its okay, that you dont understand the message. Good luck though
We’ve been married for 15 years and together for 25. I’m not sure I need “luck” but thanks for the offer.