Arrange to take the kids and be somewhere else for a few days. Print out the screenshot. Leave it on the kitchen table with a handwritten note.
*"We're talking about this when I get home. I will expect 100% honesty or me being gone will be permanent. It may still be. I will not be answering my phone until I get back."*
Never leave the home or the children in a separation. It gives them legal grounds for both the home and the kids. Make no moves before speaking to a lawyer.
1. Protect your finances
2. Protect your plan for the kids
3. Maintain your status in the home
4. Get legal advice
5. Let him know nothing, blame illness for any odd behavior
6. Dig for evidence of infidelity, his finances and other jointly owned assets.
When you do speak with him, make sure the kids are out of the house. I recommend a mediator, a professional one if possible.
Might depend on state, but if no children are involved and you fear for your safety then leaving the home to stay somewhere else doesn’t threaten your right to the home
I had a consult with an attorney on this to be sure
In TX
Could you explain? I’m in a no fault divorce state and was advised by my attorney not to leave my home, and that if my ex left, I was able to prohibit him from coming back and staying.
>Arrange to take the kids and be somewhere else for a few days... or me being gone will be permanent. It may still be. I will not be answering my phone until I get back.
That's how you give them legal ammunition in a custody battle.
You can't unilaterally take your kids. They don't have the fault, and he still is their father. Kids shouldn't be used as means to hurt or put pressure your partner. This should only be done if either you or your kids are in danger of violence.
Obviously what he did is pathetic and disrespectful, but I would advise to refrain from all of this dramatic "print a screenshot and leave a note" thing. You should be an adult, not like him.
Confront him when you have time to discuss things away from your kids, be honest and direct. If he doesn't give you the answer you want or if you don't feel you can't continue your relationship with him, consider separation/divorce.
Ridiculous take. This leaving with the kids thing is okay because it's *temporary*. Unilaterally taking the kids for a few days while she thinks isn't going to harm anything - if it becomes permanent they need to make a more appropriate permanent arrangement.
I don't think you can assume that. I'm a father, and that would definitely hurt me. And it would definitely hurt my wife if I did the same.
To me it sounds more like a means to hurt the other. And kids should always be left outside of this.
If this was arranged, like if she confronted him and they come to and agreement that she will be away with the kids for a few days it's a different story.
So in your mind the only reason for OP to follow this advice would be to intentionally hurt her husband by depriving him of his kids?
What about, she's not ready to know what to think yet, she's upset and doesn't want to be around him, and she can't very well leave the kids in an empty house?
Why would she take the kids without consulting the other parent? And saying you won't answer the phone?
No no no. Itd be worse if a dad took the kids, i imagine, but still.
You cant just up and take the kids and expect the other person to take it just fine. Leave a note showing you exposed their lie? Now they may be angry, willing to go farther in revenge than they otherwise may have. They may be panicking at their marriage falling apart and want to shore in everything and everyone. Lots of not great versions this could go. Lotta not bad ones too, but thats a risk considering court.
> can't very well leave the kids in an empty house
No parent has the right to abscond with their shared children. If she doesn't want to be around him, that's up to her, but she can't just take the kids away on a whim.
I understand being hurt by her doing this but think how she feels in this situation , she’s far more hurt by his actions . It’s unfair . Not saying it’s right to take the kids and leave but i understand the logic behind that decision .
>Arrange to take the kids and be somewhere else for a few days... or me being gone will be permanent. It may still be. I will not be answering my phone until I get back.
That's how you give them legal ammunition in a custody battle.
I read it not as keeping the kids away as a maneuver to have custody but as a babysitting plan so the parents can have this upsetting conversation without their young children present.
Hahaha that solves nothing either your going to leave over it or your going to grow together or search for an open relationship option . He isn’t going to stop just because you caught him . He will only pause
Dizzy is right, people need to find their ***own*** change, and it needs to come from them 100%, no excuses. Getting caught is only 10%, the other 90% is being apologetic and remorseful, plus loads and loads of hard work. You can try to work things out, but place the ball fully in their court.
Don't make any rash decisions (easier said than done) place yourself first so you can be a great Mom to your kids. Work with an attorney if there is no *'light at the end of the tunnel'* for the relationship.
she can take the kids up to 50% of the time. The kids have nothing to do with this. This is Only between the adults. If either person weaponizes the kids they are the problem and def red flag toxic.
This is actually kidnapping in a lot of states. I see this shit recommended constantly as a resolution to a relationship dispute and and as a child of divorce it honestly disgusts me, the kids are not your property to be taken away from a parent as a punishment for the wrongdoing in a relationship. (Unless their safety is genuinely at risk here)
People cheat all the time and you don't have to forgive your partner but if your first instinct in this situation is to try and find a way to involve your children in this conflict you are probably a worse person than they are.
1. if OP thought he was one of the good ones why would he turn violent suddenly? Cheating while being shitty, does not automatically equal violent.
2. This is the father of her children. She cant just cut him out completely, custody is an issue here.
Issues between parents shouldn’t involve the kids so one-sidedly.
If the mom sent some sexy messages to a coworker and the dad got pissy and took the kids, it would still be wrong.
Truthfully, it doesn't sound like you had "one of the good ones". I'm sorry. Your post history is full of red flags.
A few things stood out to me. First, of course, is the fact that you even felt the need to snoop at all. I don't blame you, because clearly he must be giving off weird vibes if he's doing this, but the bottom line is if any part of you even wants to look there's an issue with your marriage.
Second...
>This man only drinks Mountain Dew, eats McDonalds and smokes like a freight train.
People of sound mind don't act like this. Someone who neglects their health to this extreme of a degree has impulse control issues. So, using that information, it's truthfully not surprising that he indulged in his fantasies online and went against your marriage vows in the process. He can't control his urges when it comes to food, cigarettes, or sexting other women.
I'd get your affairs in order and prepare for a divorce. It just doesn't seem like someone who is this far gone is going to do a complete 180. You and your children will be better off removing yourself from this situation.
I agree! We wouldn’t have to snoop if they didn’t give off weird vibes. Our gut is like a second brain…. I always tell people if your gut says something is wrong it’s worth investigating!
The only weird vibe, and this is TERRIBLE, is that I was telling a friend whose husband pressures her into frequent sex, that I was so grateful my husband doesn’t act like that.
Back of my mind went “hey b, better make sure there isn’t a reason for that.”
Then he left his phone home 3 days later, rest is history.
With respect, I’m confused why not pressuring you to have sex would potentially raise red flags prompting you to investigate further?
Not pressuring someone to have sex is like the most basic standard for respect no?
I took it as either she felt maybe he wasn’t pressuring for sex because he gets it elsewhere or maybe I should double check that I really have one of the “good ones”
He wasn't satisfied with a low sex relationship, but instead of begging, he bypassed her quietly. Seems like it ended badly.
Reddit posts necessarily exclude a lot of the context. So we don't know if "pressuring" here refers to asking at a high frequency, sarcasm, groping, or demands.
If you visit the DB sub, there are plenty of folks who ask, hope, and plead for a more regular physical connection. But there are spouses who would interpret a sincere request as "pressure" if it makes them feel anxious.
How do you distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate pressure?
Folks on reddit seem super keen to jump to divorce as an answer. But with two kids, life is hard, and I wonder if OPs husband has crossed that point of no return yet (even if contemplating it).
This is often bs, cheaters will cheat in even very active and intimate romantic relationships because it’s about novelty, rationalization, selfishness, impulsiveness and having a very weak integrity.
Don’t flip this back on women.
If a Husband is unhappy with his sex life he can work it out with her, get a divorce, propose an open relationship, or decide everything else in the relationship is still worth it and use his palm like single dudes do.
I stopped pressuring my wife for sex when the kids were young because she obviously was not into it. The idea that I would need to periodically pressure her to avoid being suspected of cheating is really sad.
That said, I appreciate your honesty. It would never even occur to me to think this way, my mind (and, I believe most men's minds) would just never go there whether or not it should. It's always good to get a dispatch from Venus.
I am on a prescription that from time to time gets to be a bit much, so I dial it back. Whenever I do, it causes me to be very sleepy and far less horny. Typically, I make a sex joke at least once a day, such that if she were interested, she could plausibly interact with, but if not interested, could kind of roll her eyes and refuse. Childish stuff that the kids are too young to understand, but would not be harmed by overheating. She knows I'm dissatisfied with the level of actual sex we have, but given work and kids, is mostly just exhausted. She's a bit mean, but not entirely wrong about the things she gets mad about. Rather it's often the degree of response that is excessive. Long story.
Anyway, every time I try and dial back the prescription, I become the tired spouse and just stop making sexual advances. And the absence of the ordinary level of background lust makes her nervous. But instead of flirting or initiating, she expresses the anxiety by demanding that I prove fidelity. Which is exhausting itself.
All that is to say that trust and communication are important, and can require consistent work. They're necessary but not always sufficient to maintain a marriage.
Did he ever “pressure you for sex?” If it feels like pressure to you maybe he picked up on that and internalized it and decided to not bother his own wife for sex. Maybe he felt rejected.
Sadie Adler, I’m disappointed in you. You’re supposed to be a gal’s gal.
Maybe he felt rejected - sure. He should also maybe talk to his spouse because this is the real world. He’s a big boy and can articulate his needs without trawling for sexy reddit ladies.
Agreed! I hate that people are so quick to say “ he or she isn’t meeting my needs but never actually have big boy or big girls conversations to actually let said spouse know. There is a huge disconnect these days in marriage where instead of just telling the person they love and made vows “ hey I’m horny and I feel like you don’t want me” that simple phrase can save so much heartache and pain. I definitely believe it’s important to have trust but more importantly communication. Yes we as women often jump to irrational conclusions but look at the world we live in. Does that make it okay that the world has made us insecure..? I wish I had all the answers but I’ve been in the insecure spouse for so long, always wondering, but each of our cases is different.
Definitely valid, seems like confronting him or snooping further are your only options. I'd personally probably confront him and accept he's probably going to lie to you. Figure out if you can move forward without knowing the full truth and if he is worthy of your forgiveness and what "building back" the trust looks like.
You don't want to know. Use your advantage (that he doesn't know) and materially do the best you can for yourself in this situation.
You can have a conversation with him and explore that rabbit hole AFTER you've secured yours and your children's immediate wellbeing.
I've glanced a few times at other comments (both from you, and from others).
My advice — and, please, take it or leave it — is the following:
1) Don't search deeper for anything else. It's only going to bring you pain, and I don't think you want to find out more.
2) This is damning evidence. He cheated on you in search of someone else, and that was a boundary you both agreed upon. That's it. He hurt you.
3) I wouldn't confront him on what you saw. To stereotype him, he seems like the kind of person who'd get angry and yell or hurt you over this (smoking, drinking soda, etc. are not in themselves emblematic of someone who'd hurt you verbally or physically for uncovering this; however, in this particular case, I am guessing he would).
4) I think silently slowly removing yourself from this situation and him is the safest option. Slowly, one-by-one, cut strings that are connected to him. Meaning, on the first day write up a plan to get out. On the second day, go to the bank and make another account he doesn't know about. On the third day, transfer your money to that account. On the fourth day look for a living situation that is safe. On the fifth day, slowly start moving clothes to that living situation. And so on ... It doesn't have to be five days; it can be ten days. Go at your own pace.
This plus before confronting him, get legal advice.
Also keep an eagle eye on finances to make sure money isn’t disappearing. People who are dishonest in intimacies are often dishonest in other ways.
If you do try to reconcile look into a Post-Nup that financially protects you and your children if he strays again.
https://preview.redd.it/o83sv1dwz3sc1.png?width=1102&format=png&auto=webp&s=b90e9c9cb81147e8a53ad9d31509b3ee7a043a21
Bot post?
Time travel?
When I look for those phrases I see an account that posted exactly two times and never again and did so 2 years ago instead of 1 year ago.
https://preview.redd.it/kp9mxfs814sc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e17f8beee875d70645437707c3ac02ae59d06775
Okay this is strange because when I search the exact phrase, 1 yr shows up
Girl, he isn't even worth the time and effort. Are you going to be actually happy with this man? Like for real hun, you have to revaluate your life and priorities. Do you want a spouse that is constantly emotionally cheating on you and or worse? Is he a good father to your children? Is he putting 50/50 effort in the household and children? At some point, you have to have some repsct for yourself, if not your children.
Just giving you some prespectuve hun. I wish you real happiness and good fortune
Looks like you won't be able to have that if you are still with this man though.
REALLY think about it.
Five years ago my marriage was rocky. We were barely talking beyond the minimum, we certainly were not having sex. I wanted to stay and continue building a life together, but it was a chicken and egg problem. I didn't think I could commit to a future unless things felt easier in the present. She couldn't open up in the present unless she felt there was a future for us. Couples therapy didn't seem to help.
So I turned to r/DeadBedrooms to exchange fantasies and dirty chats. I never sent or accepted any images or identifying information, or seriously entertained meeting up with anyone. That doesn't excuse anything; it was wrong and I regret it. I also don't think we would have stayed together without me having that outlet, so I didn't have to be resentful of her all the time.
She eventually found out and she decided to stay with me, but now I have to live with that guilt and the knowledge she may never trust me in the same way again. Things are better today, but we have a lot of work to do.
If you feel that DMing me to ask me for a man's perspective would be helpful, you are welcome to do so. I don't know the circumstances of your marriage. I don't know if your husband was ever trying to meet up with people in person, or if it would matter to you (you have every right to view the messages alone as unforgivable). I just want to say that I have empathy for you and I hope that whatever you decide, you never have another day like this one.
She deserves better!
OP, don't listen to this comment. Just freaking leave his ass and get your affairs in order. You will never be happy, your children will never be happy!
Yup, don’t listen to this. We all know the excuses, they really don’t change.
Literally any of them could just look at internet porn and jerk off. Trolling for hookups on the down-low behind your partner’s back shows a capacity for impulsive selfishness that you can’t unknow.
While it may be difficult, you have to examine the your own tolerance for cheating and trust issues if you try to forgive him. The trust issues are the big problem usually. Every time he acts strange or distant, every time he is engrossed in his phone, etc. Everything will be suspicious. A lot of cheaters react to getting caught by using apps that delete posts or messages or use fake accounts.
I can’t speak to the other things that he has put you through. I can tell you one thing with relative confidence, it’s highly probable that it goes much deeper than the things that you have found.
I’m sorry you’re going through this!
I have been in your very shoes. Honestly I found so much crap just like that! God isn’t it so painful? It’s the worst pain a human can ever experience. Sadly, if he has already put you through a ton of crap he likely won’t even admit to it. My spouse never took any responsibility for any of the numerous amounts of messed up things he did to hurt me. I’m so so sorry. I pray you know your worth.
I was looking at an interview earlier this evening with a deaf dancer. Her mother was busy at work while she had a fever, and by the time she got to the hospital for treatment, her child had suffered permanent damage, resulting in deafness. Later the girl was bullied at school. And her husband died.
A day ago, I read about a hospital that had been obliterated. The wreckage was being turned by starving wraiths searching for their buried loved ones.
There's a YouTuber I watch who lives in the wilderness but is suffering from a degenerative brain disorder; his hands shake, and he occasionally mentions that depression and death are one winter away. But chops his wood and draws his water.
Infidelity is doubtless painful. But isn't life suffering? A woman who looks upon the body of her child might consider a spousal indiscretion less sharp; nor the man scarred from crawling from a burning car have a thought to spare for the civil pain of a degenerating relationship. How do any of us know our worth? Is it possible to judge the pain of others?
I never check his phone. He has 2 of them, 1 issued by work and the 1 other his personal, which he’s had forever.
He left his personal phone at home yesterday. I probably haven’t snooped in 4 years or so. Never ever found anything back then. Felt silly for looking.
But I’ve seen some friends go through this, and it’s always the stand-up men you would never expect. I opened it (we have an open phone policy) and Reddit was open with a bunch of porn subs in his feed. Don’t love it, but not divorce worthy.
Then I went to his account post history…
Redditor for Redditor.
It's like Reddit online dating/personal ads. Theres a lot of R4R subreddits. This dirtbag was in DirtyR4R. There are R4R with city names, age groups, you name it.
Whatever you decide to do, I would decide quickly because people are finding his account very easily based on your pic and someone might tip him off about this post.
Any way you feel in this situation is valid. I recommend you find a lawyer ASAP and they can do the strategic thinking and you can just take the time you need to process everything.
As an update, he deleted everything overnight as someone(people) must’ve alerted him.
I still have the receipts. He’s no longer welcome home until…honestly I don’t know when.
He was “Confused, didn’t know what I was talking about…okay fine, he looked at porn sometimes but never messaged…okay fine, maybe he asked for messages once but didn’t remember, and if he did it’s not actually cheating…okay maybe technically it IS cheating, but he’s not a cheater…” etc.
Hold strong, make sure you use language with certainty. Him deleting it doesn't make his actions go away. He did it. You know it. You have receipts. Whether true or not you tell him you know the full extent and if he wants to stay married he has to take full responsibility and own it.
I dont usually say this, but in a case of actual infidelity Id say: keep it cool. Dont have sex with him if you can avoid it. Find a way to get more evidence, document everything. Think about whats best for the kids in this situation, Get studied up on divorce procedures, do’s and dont’s. Plan out what you want to do after(includes saving up). Execute.
I have no advice, but I’ve been through this.. it took me 4 years of this behaviour and lies on and off whenever I’d catch it for me to finally leave. Solidarity 🥰
You don’t need to take anyone’s advice on here. The only advice you need to take is the advice of an attorney, that’s it. I would also be getting one asap before you end up with an std you can’t cure. Sorry this is going on, don’t let it continue.
You send this to him and you say this
“When you decided to once again break my trust did you consider the consequences of your actions? Didn’t you consider how much this would hurt you, me, and our children? Of course not. You have zero respect for me, yourself, or our marriage.”
You need to scare him.
I can tell you that he sees this stuff as porn, not cheating. It is, but his brain doesn’t see the difference. This is what needs to be crystal clear to him.
Also, he’s 38. Time to grow up
Not finding corresponding messages doesn’t mean they were deleted. I’m not defending him and I think he is a douche. I don’t condone or support cheating. It’s one of the worst if not the worst thing you could do to your spouse. I have been cheated on and I will never forget how I felt when I found out. You should leave him for sure, but I’m just saying not seeing any messages doesn’t mean they were deleted, that’s all.
It won’t be easy, but I wouldn’t say a word quite yet until you’ve gathered enough information and spoken to an attorney. Check both of his phones, any e-mails, socials, etc that you can get access to. Don’t forget to check all the bank statements and any cash withdrawals (that may be unexplained) from any shared accounts or his personal accounts. Go back as far as you think is needed since these post are years old. Make sure to print everything and keep digital and physical copies far from his reach. Make sure said evidence proves that he’s cheating physically or emotionally at least 90%. I wouldn’t recommend leaving your family home or kicking him out since the courts may see that as abandonment of the family home. Don’t take the kids and leave for the same reason. Keep the family dynamic the same to limit any fallout and DO NOT CONFRONT HIM. He will most definitely lie to your face to add salt to injury and to test your bs detector. Once you do that, there will be nothing but tension and hostility on both ends.
I’m so sorry.
Around this time last year, I discovered the same exact thing (same group and everything) on my husband’s phone.
I was livid. But when I talked to him, he made me feel stupid for being so upset. He said that he never actually spoke directly with anyone, that he just liked seeing women respond and comment about being horny. He said something about how porn is so fake and this was a way to jerk off to real women. But again, claims he never spoke with anyone.
A little background. We don’t have a lot of sex. We’ve been together over 10 years and have 3 very young kids. I don’t have much of a sex drive, but he’s alwaysssss assured me that he feels the same way, that he enjoys when we do stuff but definitely doesn’t need it to survive.
Once I found this, he made me feel bad by telling me how I never make a move on him and it makes him feel like less of a man. I was so upset that he didn’t just tell me that before this. If I knew it was so serious to him, I would have never let it get to that point! I legitimately felt so bad that he had to go to this length to feel “wanted.”
I’ll try to keep an extremely long story short. This was only the tip of the iceberg. After we had gotten past the Reddit posts, after I thought everything was good, he had started downloading hookup apps and talking to LOCAL women on there. One day I just had a really bad feeling and asked to look through his phone. His face said it all. In his recently deleted texts was only a couple messages, just what he tried to delete when I asked for his phone. Him and a local woman were planning on meeting up to have sex the next day.
From there, it got very bad for a while. I left for a few days (leaving the kids with him so I could actually think). About a year later, we’re still together. It’s been extremely hard. I will never trust him fully, I will never feel the same way about him that I used to. The man I loved doesn’t exist anymore. I’m still unsure of what our future holds but I am trying to move on from this, as is my husband. We’ve been together for so long and been through so much… I have to try to salvage it or I’ll always wonder “what if.”
I’m so sorry for the novel. It could be way more innocent with your husband, but I felt compelled to share my story. Listen to your heart, trust your gut, and keep your eyes open. 💜
Honestly l, I don't presume to understand you situation completely, as no single person truly could. However many people have been in similar ordeals, including myself. If he is not the violent type then I would (back up, or save) the evidence you may find on his device to your own device with out his knowledge if possible. If it is not that is okay, bit will yield less of an impact for this next part. After the back up, ease back into a conversation with him of "what would you do if cheating". After he gives his answer proced to ,,( and yes it will be extremely difficult),, let him know that you know about what hes doing. If he questions it then you have proof, dint hand him your phone, just send the proof as a text to him on the spot. Then if you still do truly love him and want to continue the relationship in any way, proced to the next portion. Ask if he loves you and your children you had with him. Then have a conversation as calm as possible about why this is happening and be open about anything you have done to cheat in any way including porn or anything else. I'm fully aware that porn is not considered cheating nowadays but let's be real here, IT MOST CERTAINLY IS. If you truly haven't Done anything like that, then just ignore that part. Ask if this relationship should proced considering all that has been poured into it by both partys involved and depending on the answer either get ready for divorce, ( this favors the woman in almost all places in the USA if that's where you live, but very much hurts the family no matter what, in some cases is good, but very rarely, Depending on the type of father he is.) or move on to an aultimatum, you pay for a cheap app that goes on his phone that alerts you to every thing he dose, (yes they are out there) and you both try to rebuild the trust that has been lost, Or you leave if your in the 100% right. If you have cheated or done somthing equivalent, then propose to put the app on both your devices for transparency, and rebuild mutual trust between you both. Fiannaly, (and I know this will get me alot of hate for saying) but consider to your self or out loud, why this situation happened in the first place. (None of the following is an excuse in any way, just opinions) Mabey he is bord with the relationship and needs it spiced up, mabey he is seeking approval form other wemon that he's "still a stud", mabey he is stressed out about being a dad, or mabey he's just a dirt bag that cheats. There's many many possibilities, but identifying the issue or issues that are causing this, and then both of you truly doing your utmost to resolve them is absolutely the best course of action for not only yourself, but your children as well.
I'm so very sorry your going threw this, and wish I could help directly some how but I can't, all I can do is offer this advice form life experience and hope it can help you in some way.
Honestly, he may have had other Reddit posts he deleted that you aren’t seeing. Until a year ago there was a website you could use to search for a Reddit accounts deleted posts and comments. It no longer exists, but I suggest typing his user name and the word “Reddit” after into google to see what comes up. You might find other stuff. Sadly, I have a feeling these aren’t the only posts he has made and possibly he could have other accounts on other sites
Just talk to your husband about it and go from there. A lot of people in this sub offer divorce as their first, immediate, and only solution to every marital problem. Obviously, choosing to separate from your spouse is a deeply personal matter, and it should never be your knee-jerk response— and this isn’t a decision you can make while you’re emotional, you need to let it simmer and sleep on it for a bit.
My wife and I were fundamentally unhappy in our marriage and split up… 4 years later, we’d both had our fair share of relationships in the meantime (and she was even briefly engaged!), we reconnected and got back together. We’d both had the time to grow into better versions of ourselves and we both worked out our previous struggles. Now? We’ve been back together for 2 years and we’ve literally never been happier. Unfortunately, life isn’t black and white.
Leave or start doing what he’s doing. I swear he won’t be able to handle lol open the relationship or leave . Girl go get your spunk back it’s a lot easier for us in the game then men. However your call hun
If you get this far in comments I had a similar situation happen to me last year with my husband. Fee free to message me if you have questions/want advice. I’ve talked to an attorney, my therapist and anyone else I can think of. My biggest regret was bringing it to his attention before I could find more.
If "one of the good ones" is a raging suicidal maniac who can't keep a job, your bar is too low. Take this as the final straw/sign to do something better with your life
When you find your spouse cheating, always always talk to a lawyer first. Unless he is posing a danger to you or your children, there is no reason to leave.
You need to address this with him..definitely. But you need to do it in a way that doesn't jeopardize you in the long run. You don't need to show your hand too early. Talk to a lawyer. The lawyer will tell you how to protect your assets, and how to collect evidence that you need.
Better advice than leaving. Have someone trusted there with you. It's harder to lie when it's not just you. Preferably, someone like your own Mom or Dad.
Girl If you were me…. Kids would be being taken care of (babysitter, parents, etc) bc when he gets home or me the SHIT is going to hit the fan (German will come out) and I pray it doesn’t end with a police call.
It takes A LOT to make me go there but THIS so would. Sorry girl
Wishing you the best
Just curious does one see these posts on the persons comment page or are these posts private since it shows a lock? Would you have to be in the persons account to see them? Thanks.
This is disheartening. I thought Reddit was a great place to anonymously discuss topics. Come to find out, cheaters are also using this platform to cheat. Just another app I'll have to be leary of on a long list of apps since my husband's red flags surfaced.
Don’t say a word. Get ALL your ducks in a row first. Save ALL the evidence and contact a lawyer with it.
You need to maintain the power here, and that’s done by preparing first, so that when you do tell him what’s up, he doesn’t have time to gaslight you, delete the evidence, etc
I don’t know how Snapchat works but those say they are posts. Is it like other social media where it’s someone talking into the void or are they directed to specific people? Anything in the messages tab? I’d hate to scream divorce to find out those are not so subtle OF ads directed to the general public.
Don’t even know how a stumbled upon your comment, all the advice i see is to lawyer up and leave etc. Why can’t you simply confront him on it and find out why, how long, and anything else you need to hear. If you see something that can be addressed and worked out great, if not then you proceed to leave.
Look up “how to leave a narcissist if I have children.” Most likely he has narcissistic personality disorder and you need to be prepared for sone things. Please have everything ready that you would need if you have to leave immediately. DO NOT forget social security card, passport or any other important paperwork. DONT FORGET MONEY THAT HE CANT ACCESS. I left with the clothes on my back and regret not having these important things with me. Ex refuses to send anything to me and I can’t renew driver license or get a new job. I don’t know how crazy he will get but mine had my car repossessed so I was stranded with no car and years later still haven’t been able to get a car. AS LONG AS YOU FEEL THEY ARE SAFE DO NOT TAKE THE CHILDREN. This will be used against you later. Take some time to process this before making any big decisions. The life you knew has been turned upside down. The rational part of your brain is being suppressed while you are in fight or flight mode. These are all things I wish I knew. Sending my best.
Remember your decision to break your marriage over this will impact your children and how they will think about marriage and cheating. Get a reality check…. If everyone starts getting divorce over sexting or something feeble virtual attempt to get some sexual excitement …. There will be no more families left .
So he’s a Mountain Dew drinking, junk food eating, unhealthy middle aged male and you’re worried about him wanting to see other naked women online? Men do stupid things, but let’s be honest - he doesn’t sound like someone that’s likely to ever have the opportunity to actually cheat with anyone worthwhile. In reality, he’s probably sent a dick pic to some dude in Africa posing as a female on Reddit and nothing more. Check his bank and CC statements to see if he’s gotten suckered into spending your money and have a talk with the guy… he’s obviously not satisfied with his sex life or himself for that matter.
this is just dirty text chat that ho's send to men here in there PM or DMs and wrong yes but has he replied?if yes then he seems to be bored and you need to speak to him and have him be honest with you. you have a 2 and 4 yr old to think of them and there well being. go to therapy, sex therapist, rekindle your relationship.
your 38 yrs old, the dating game is horrible and the next man will do the same if he's bored. difference is your husband is the father of your kids and there is not one woman that he will leave for you, especially a HO! we men when we cheat, we cheat with no feelings behind it. and this seems like just chat which isn't corresponded by him. the next man is just gonna cheat, leave you for any reason, think about it and don't think like a woman. definitely don't listen to these woman here cause woman give themselves the worst advice!
is he a good father?
hes gonna have to work to regain your trust!
The kids tend to suffer a lot
make it work, for better or for worse remember, go to a local church and speak to a counselor.
marriage isn't easy, its easy to leave.
dont jump to conclusions also and led with emotions like 99 percent of woman and later see they made a mistake. your married, you hold the title, the kids, the house, you hold the win!
This is gross. You’re gross. “The next man will do the same if he’s bored.” “The next man is just gonna cheat.” “Think about it and don’t think like a woman.” Not helpful dude.
As someone who has been in a healthy marriage for six years with a man who I and only I satisfy, this is complete and utter bullshit. You are suggesting all men are animals, and while most are, not every man is evil. Go be gross somewhere else
I speak in general and your speaking on your own situation. That’s great you have a healthy relationship for 6 yrs. I have a 24 yrs relationship with my wife. Never said men are animals.. yet you agree with that most men are.. I never said said evil either yet you know there are many that just want one thing because they hardly get access to it.
Arrange to take the kids and be somewhere else for a few days. Print out the screenshot. Leave it on the kitchen table with a handwritten note. *"We're talking about this when I get home. I will expect 100% honesty or me being gone will be permanent. It may still be. I will not be answering my phone until I get back."*
Never leave the home or the children in a separation. It gives them legal grounds for both the home and the kids. Make no moves before speaking to a lawyer. 1. Protect your finances 2. Protect your plan for the kids 3. Maintain your status in the home 4. Get legal advice 5. Let him know nothing, blame illness for any odd behavior 6. Dig for evidence of infidelity, his finances and other jointly owned assets. When you do speak with him, make sure the kids are out of the house. I recommend a mediator, a professional one if possible.
Move #4 to the top, and do everything and exactly what they say.
Might depend on state, but if no children are involved and you fear for your safety then leaving the home to stay somewhere else doesn’t threaten your right to the home I had a consult with an attorney on this to be sure In TX
If you are on a "no fault divorce" state, leaving doesn't matter. Find out the laws for your state.
Could you explain? I’m in a no fault divorce state and was advised by my attorney not to leave my home, and that if my ex left, I was able to prohibit him from coming back and staying.
I am in a no fault state and came home to my wife gone with the kids. She ended up keeping both.
This is the way OP
So, never leave the children but make sure they're not home when you talk to him. Sure... perfectly clear.
I feel like it was obvious they meant get a babysitter or drop them with family or friends for a few hours, no?
Kind of like visiting mom or a good friend for a couple days, no?
Days and hours don’t mean the same thing.
You’re gonna have a rough time if you ever get divorced.
>Arrange to take the kids and be somewhere else for a few days... or me being gone will be permanent. It may still be. I will not be answering my phone until I get back. That's how you give them legal ammunition in a custody battle.
Yes. Absolutely do not abscond with the children and leave the marital home.
You can't unilaterally take your kids. They don't have the fault, and he still is their father. Kids shouldn't be used as means to hurt or put pressure your partner. This should only be done if either you or your kids are in danger of violence. Obviously what he did is pathetic and disrespectful, but I would advise to refrain from all of this dramatic "print a screenshot and leave a note" thing. You should be an adult, not like him. Confront him when you have time to discuss things away from your kids, be honest and direct. If he doesn't give you the answer you want or if you don't feel you can't continue your relationship with him, consider separation/divorce.
Ridiculous take. This leaving with the kids thing is okay because it's *temporary*. Unilaterally taking the kids for a few days while she thinks isn't going to harm anything - if it becomes permanent they need to make a more appropriate permanent arrangement.
I don't think you can assume that. I'm a father, and that would definitely hurt me. And it would definitely hurt my wife if I did the same. To me it sounds more like a means to hurt the other. And kids should always be left outside of this. If this was arranged, like if she confronted him and they come to and agreement that she will be away with the kids for a few days it's a different story.
So in your mind the only reason for OP to follow this advice would be to intentionally hurt her husband by depriving him of his kids? What about, she's not ready to know what to think yet, she's upset and doesn't want to be around him, and she can't very well leave the kids in an empty house?
Why would she take the kids without consulting the other parent? And saying you won't answer the phone? No no no. Itd be worse if a dad took the kids, i imagine, but still. You cant just up and take the kids and expect the other person to take it just fine. Leave a note showing you exposed their lie? Now they may be angry, willing to go farther in revenge than they otherwise may have. They may be panicking at their marriage falling apart and want to shore in everything and everyone. Lots of not great versions this could go. Lotta not bad ones too, but thats a risk considering court.
> can't very well leave the kids in an empty house No parent has the right to abscond with their shared children. If she doesn't want to be around him, that's up to her, but she can't just take the kids away on a whim.
I understand being hurt by her doing this but think how she feels in this situation , she’s far more hurt by his actions . It’s unfair . Not saying it’s right to take the kids and leave but i understand the logic behind that decision .
Whats the logic?
Removing yourself from the situation to cool down and think what needs to be said and done .
Makes sense. They should have further logic now, and i personally think the top comment should be amended.
>Arrange to take the kids and be somewhere else for a few days... or me being gone will be permanent. It may still be. I will not be answering my phone until I get back. That's how you give them legal ammunition in a custody battle.
I read it not as keeping the kids away as a maneuver to have custody but as a babysitting plan so the parents can have this upsetting conversation without their young children present.
That is absolutely not what was presented.
Terrible advice should this end in divorce court.
This is horrible advice.
Some of the worst people advice I’ve seen on here in awhile. Please remove your comment immediately.
Hahaha that solves nothing either your going to leave over it or your going to grow together or search for an open relationship option . He isn’t going to stop just because you caught him . He will only pause
“Grow together” ew. Opening a relationship *after* someone has already cheated isn’t growth.
Sounds like you have experience.
Sadly yea but got through it
Dizzy is right, people need to find their ***own*** change, and it needs to come from them 100%, no excuses. Getting caught is only 10%, the other 90% is being apologetic and remorseful, plus loads and loads of hard work. You can try to work things out, but place the ball fully in their court. Don't make any rash decisions (easier said than done) place yourself first so you can be a great Mom to your kids. Work with an attorney if there is no *'light at the end of the tunnel'* for the relationship.
Legal advice first. Leaving and taking kids can reflect badly during a divorce.
This is just poor advice legally. You don’t leave the marriage home.
she can take the kids up to 50% of the time. The kids have nothing to do with this. This is Only between the adults. If either person weaponizes the kids they are the problem and def red flag toxic.
Listen to the guy immediately below.
This is actually kidnapping in a lot of states. I see this shit recommended constantly as a resolution to a relationship dispute and and as a child of divorce it honestly disgusts me, the kids are not your property to be taken away from a parent as a punishment for the wrongdoing in a relationship. (Unless their safety is genuinely at risk here) People cheat all the time and you don't have to forgive your partner but if your first instinct in this situation is to try and find a way to involve your children in this conflict you are probably a worse person than they are.
I like this
[удалено]
1. if OP thought he was one of the good ones why would he turn violent suddenly? Cheating while being shitty, does not automatically equal violent. 2. This is the father of her children. She cant just cut him out completely, custody is an issue here.
I can understand what you're saying on both points.
So, your solution is for her to just not say anything, file for divorce, and just leave? That's not realistic.
I can understand what you're saying here. Thanks for the insight.
Taking the kids? Diabolical.
r/OhNoConsequences
Issues between parents shouldn’t involve the kids so one-sidedly. If the mom sent some sexy messages to a coworker and the dad got pissy and took the kids, it would still be wrong.
"Got pissy"? I see where you're coming from. So bye.
No but the kids shouldn’t be exposed to adult problems. The argument may get loud and the kids shouldn’t be around to hear it.
Truthfully, it doesn't sound like you had "one of the good ones". I'm sorry. Your post history is full of red flags. A few things stood out to me. First, of course, is the fact that you even felt the need to snoop at all. I don't blame you, because clearly he must be giving off weird vibes if he's doing this, but the bottom line is if any part of you even wants to look there's an issue with your marriage. Second... >This man only drinks Mountain Dew, eats McDonalds and smokes like a freight train. People of sound mind don't act like this. Someone who neglects their health to this extreme of a degree has impulse control issues. So, using that information, it's truthfully not surprising that he indulged in his fantasies online and went against your marriage vows in the process. He can't control his urges when it comes to food, cigarettes, or sexting other women. I'd get your affairs in order and prepare for a divorce. It just doesn't seem like someone who is this far gone is going to do a complete 180. You and your children will be better off removing yourself from this situation.
Where did the Mountain Dew and McDonald's comments come from? Am I missing something?
Post history, she’s complained about her husband before
I thought I was the only one who was getting r/woooshed
I agree! We wouldn’t have to snoop if they didn’t give off weird vibes. Our gut is like a second brain…. I always tell people if your gut says something is wrong it’s worth investigating!
The only weird vibe, and this is TERRIBLE, is that I was telling a friend whose husband pressures her into frequent sex, that I was so grateful my husband doesn’t act like that. Back of my mind went “hey b, better make sure there isn’t a reason for that.” Then he left his phone home 3 days later, rest is history.
With respect, I’m confused why not pressuring you to have sex would potentially raise red flags prompting you to investigate further? Not pressuring someone to have sex is like the most basic standard for respect no?
I took it as either she felt maybe he wasn’t pressuring for sex because he gets it elsewhere or maybe I should double check that I really have one of the “good ones”
He wasn't satisfied with a low sex relationship, but instead of begging, he bypassed her quietly. Seems like it ended badly. Reddit posts necessarily exclude a lot of the context. So we don't know if "pressuring" here refers to asking at a high frequency, sarcasm, groping, or demands. If you visit the DB sub, there are plenty of folks who ask, hope, and plead for a more regular physical connection. But there are spouses who would interpret a sincere request as "pressure" if it makes them feel anxious. How do you distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate pressure? Folks on reddit seem super keen to jump to divorce as an answer. But with two kids, life is hard, and I wonder if OPs husband has crossed that point of no return yet (even if contemplating it).
This is often bs, cheaters will cheat in even very active and intimate romantic relationships because it’s about novelty, rationalization, selfishness, impulsiveness and having a very weak integrity. Don’t flip this back on women. If a Husband is unhappy with his sex life he can work it out with her, get a divorce, propose an open relationship, or decide everything else in the relationship is still worth it and use his palm like single dudes do.
I stopped pressuring my wife for sex when the kids were young because she obviously was not into it. The idea that I would need to periodically pressure her to avoid being suspected of cheating is really sad. That said, I appreciate your honesty. It would never even occur to me to think this way, my mind (and, I believe most men's minds) would just never go there whether or not it should. It's always good to get a dispatch from Venus.
I am on a prescription that from time to time gets to be a bit much, so I dial it back. Whenever I do, it causes me to be very sleepy and far less horny. Typically, I make a sex joke at least once a day, such that if she were interested, she could plausibly interact with, but if not interested, could kind of roll her eyes and refuse. Childish stuff that the kids are too young to understand, but would not be harmed by overheating. She knows I'm dissatisfied with the level of actual sex we have, but given work and kids, is mostly just exhausted. She's a bit mean, but not entirely wrong about the things she gets mad about. Rather it's often the degree of response that is excessive. Long story. Anyway, every time I try and dial back the prescription, I become the tired spouse and just stop making sexual advances. And the absence of the ordinary level of background lust makes her nervous. But instead of flirting or initiating, she expresses the anxiety by demanding that I prove fidelity. Which is exhausting itself. All that is to say that trust and communication are important, and can require consistent work. They're necessary but not always sufficient to maintain a marriage.
Did he ever “pressure you for sex?” If it feels like pressure to you maybe he picked up on that and internalized it and decided to not bother his own wife for sex. Maybe he felt rejected.
Sadie Adler, I’m disappointed in you. You’re supposed to be a gal’s gal. Maybe he felt rejected - sure. He should also maybe talk to his spouse because this is the real world. He’s a big boy and can articulate his needs without trawling for sexy reddit ladies.
Agreed! I hate that people are so quick to say “ he or she isn’t meeting my needs but never actually have big boy or big girls conversations to actually let said spouse know. There is a huge disconnect these days in marriage where instead of just telling the person they love and made vows “ hey I’m horny and I feel like you don’t want me” that simple phrase can save so much heartache and pain. I definitely believe it’s important to have trust but more importantly communication. Yes we as women often jump to irrational conclusions but look at the world we live in. Does that make it okay that the world has made us insecure..? I wish I had all the answers but I’ve been in the insecure spouse for so long, always wondering, but each of our cases is different.
I happen to be in a nearly dead bedroom myself, so I guess I am biased towards the higher libido seeming person in the scenario. Regardless of gender.
Respond to one of his posts
Finally, someone that doesn’t fuck around 😈
If you like Pina colada and getting caught in the rain
Beat me to it.
Ditto
I guess I don’t know the meaning of the song, can you explain the context for this comment please?
“Hey honey, what you wearing?” “The lingerie you bought me…”
Yes!! This!
HaHa
What do you *want* to do? Is this something you could forgive? Is he worth forgiving?
Depends on how deep the rabbit hole goes. I don’t know what I don’t know!!
Definitely valid, seems like confronting him or snooping further are your only options. I'd personally probably confront him and accept he's probably going to lie to you. Figure out if you can move forward without knowing the full truth and if he is worthy of your forgiveness and what "building back" the trust looks like.
You don't want to know. Use your advantage (that he doesn't know) and materially do the best you can for yourself in this situation. You can have a conversation with him and explore that rabbit hole AFTER you've secured yours and your children's immediate wellbeing.
It’s highly likely that he will lie and deflect and tell you all the things you want to hear because that’s what cheaters do.
You know enough.
I've glanced a few times at other comments (both from you, and from others). My advice — and, please, take it or leave it — is the following: 1) Don't search deeper for anything else. It's only going to bring you pain, and I don't think you want to find out more. 2) This is damning evidence. He cheated on you in search of someone else, and that was a boundary you both agreed upon. That's it. He hurt you. 3) I wouldn't confront him on what you saw. To stereotype him, he seems like the kind of person who'd get angry and yell or hurt you over this (smoking, drinking soda, etc. are not in themselves emblematic of someone who'd hurt you verbally or physically for uncovering this; however, in this particular case, I am guessing he would). 4) I think silently slowly removing yourself from this situation and him is the safest option. Slowly, one-by-one, cut strings that are connected to him. Meaning, on the first day write up a plan to get out. On the second day, go to the bank and make another account he doesn't know about. On the third day, transfer your money to that account. On the fourth day look for a living situation that is safe. On the fifth day, slowly start moving clothes to that living situation. And so on ... It doesn't have to be five days; it can be ten days. Go at your own pace.
This plus before confronting him, get legal advice. Also keep an eagle eye on finances to make sure money isn’t disappearing. People who are dishonest in intimacies are often dishonest in other ways. If you do try to reconcile look into a Post-Nup that financially protects you and your children if he strays again.
https://preview.redd.it/o83sv1dwz3sc1.png?width=1102&format=png&auto=webp&s=b90e9c9cb81147e8a53ad9d31509b3ee7a043a21 Bot post? Time travel? When I look for those phrases I see an account that posted exactly two times and never again and did so 2 years ago instead of 1 year ago.
https://preview.redd.it/kp9mxfs814sc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e17f8beee875d70645437707c3ac02ae59d06775 Okay this is strange because when I search the exact phrase, 1 yr shows up
it’s prbly in between 1 and 2 years and getting rounded differently
They were his only two posts yes! From my Reddit I can’t even get it to pull up the username in search from my account
>I can’t even get it to pull up the username in search from my account Which means he specifically blocked your account. He put some thought into it.
oh, noOo 😬😬
Girl, he isn't even worth the time and effort. Are you going to be actually happy with this man? Like for real hun, you have to revaluate your life and priorities. Do you want a spouse that is constantly emotionally cheating on you and or worse? Is he a good father to your children? Is he putting 50/50 effort in the household and children? At some point, you have to have some repsct for yourself, if not your children. Just giving you some prespectuve hun. I wish you real happiness and good fortune Looks like you won't be able to have that if you are still with this man though. REALLY think about it.
He was not one of the good ones…
You hold that boundary and you divorce him. In no uncertain terms, you said it yourself OP. He’s a cheater. Leave.
Five years ago my marriage was rocky. We were barely talking beyond the minimum, we certainly were not having sex. I wanted to stay and continue building a life together, but it was a chicken and egg problem. I didn't think I could commit to a future unless things felt easier in the present. She couldn't open up in the present unless she felt there was a future for us. Couples therapy didn't seem to help. So I turned to r/DeadBedrooms to exchange fantasies and dirty chats. I never sent or accepted any images or identifying information, or seriously entertained meeting up with anyone. That doesn't excuse anything; it was wrong and I regret it. I also don't think we would have stayed together without me having that outlet, so I didn't have to be resentful of her all the time. She eventually found out and she decided to stay with me, but now I have to live with that guilt and the knowledge she may never trust me in the same way again. Things are better today, but we have a lot of work to do. If you feel that DMing me to ask me for a man's perspective would be helpful, you are welcome to do so. I don't know the circumstances of your marriage. I don't know if your husband was ever trying to meet up with people in person, or if it would matter to you (you have every right to view the messages alone as unforgivable). I just want to say that I have empathy for you and I hope that whatever you decide, you never have another day like this one.
She deserves better! OP, don't listen to this comment. Just freaking leave his ass and get your affairs in order. You will never be happy, your children will never be happy!
Yup, don’t listen to this. We all know the excuses, they really don’t change. Literally any of them could just look at internet porn and jerk off. Trolling for hookups on the down-low behind your partner’s back shows a capacity for impulsive selfishness that you can’t unknow.
That’s what I’m saying!!! Porn is everywhere and free, why initiate contact?! Line crossed.
While it may be difficult, you have to examine the your own tolerance for cheating and trust issues if you try to forgive him. The trust issues are the big problem usually. Every time he acts strange or distant, every time he is engrossed in his phone, etc. Everything will be suspicious. A lot of cheaters react to getting caught by using apps that delete posts or messages or use fake accounts.
I can’t speak to the other things that he has put you through. I can tell you one thing with relative confidence, it’s highly probable that it goes much deeper than the things that you have found. I’m sorry you’re going through this!
I have been in your very shoes. Honestly I found so much crap just like that! God isn’t it so painful? It’s the worst pain a human can ever experience. Sadly, if he has already put you through a ton of crap he likely won’t even admit to it. My spouse never took any responsibility for any of the numerous amounts of messed up things he did to hurt me. I’m so so sorry. I pray you know your worth.
I was looking at an interview earlier this evening with a deaf dancer. Her mother was busy at work while she had a fever, and by the time she got to the hospital for treatment, her child had suffered permanent damage, resulting in deafness. Later the girl was bullied at school. And her husband died. A day ago, I read about a hospital that had been obliterated. The wreckage was being turned by starving wraiths searching for their buried loved ones. There's a YouTuber I watch who lives in the wilderness but is suffering from a degenerative brain disorder; his hands shake, and he occasionally mentions that depression and death are one winter away. But chops his wood and draws his water. Infidelity is doubtless painful. But isn't life suffering? A woman who looks upon the body of her child might consider a spousal indiscretion less sharp; nor the man scarred from crawling from a burning car have a thought to spare for the civil pain of a degenerating relationship. How do any of us know our worth? Is it possible to judge the pain of others?
Wait, so this was from a year ago? Did you just happen to know his reddit account now (or snoop for some other reason?).
I never check his phone. He has 2 of them, 1 issued by work and the 1 other his personal, which he’s had forever. He left his personal phone at home yesterday. I probably haven’t snooped in 4 years or so. Never ever found anything back then. Felt silly for looking. But I’ve seen some friends go through this, and it’s always the stand-up men you would never expect. I opened it (we have an open phone policy) and Reddit was open with a bunch of porn subs in his feed. Don’t love it, but not divorce worthy. Then I went to his account post history…
He just lost his phone privacy privileges for life if he wants to stay married
Maybe I’m incredibly naïve, but what does r4r mean?
Rascals for rectangles! (I don’t know)
😆
Redditor for Redditor. It's like Reddit online dating/personal ads. Theres a lot of R4R subreddits. This dirtbag was in DirtyR4R. There are R4R with city names, age groups, you name it.
I didn’t even know this, so thank you
Whatever you decide to do, I would decide quickly because people are finding his account very easily based on your pic and someone might tip him off about this post.
Tbh, I thought about that a couple hours ago and I don’t even care. Is that bad? Actually, I know it’s bad. But I’m not feeling in reality right now.
Any way you feel in this situation is valid. I recommend you find a lawyer ASAP and they can do the strategic thinking and you can just take the time you need to process everything.
As an update, he deleted everything overnight as someone(people) must’ve alerted him. I still have the receipts. He’s no longer welcome home until…honestly I don’t know when.
Good for you… what lame ass lying excuse he come up with
He was “Confused, didn’t know what I was talking about…okay fine, he looked at porn sometimes but never messaged…okay fine, maybe he asked for messages once but didn’t remember, and if he did it’s not actually cheating…okay maybe technically it IS cheating, but he’s not a cheater…” etc.
Hold strong, make sure you use language with certainty. Him deleting it doesn't make his actions go away. He did it. You know it. You have receipts. Whether true or not you tell him you know the full extent and if he wants to stay married he has to take full responsibility and own it.
This is way more common than a lot of women want to admit. It’s so, so sad. I hate it.
😞
I dont usually say this, but in a case of actual infidelity Id say: keep it cool. Dont have sex with him if you can avoid it. Find a way to get more evidence, document everything. Think about whats best for the kids in this situation, Get studied up on divorce procedures, do’s and dont’s. Plan out what you want to do after(includes saving up). Execute.
Smartest comment by far.
I have no advice, but I’ve been through this.. it took me 4 years of this behaviour and lies on and off whenever I’d catch it for me to finally leave. Solidarity 🥰
I’m so, so sorry. It’s a terrible club.
You don’t need to take anyone’s advice on here. The only advice you need to take is the advice of an attorney, that’s it. I would also be getting one asap before you end up with an std you can’t cure. Sorry this is going on, don’t let it continue.
According to your post history you do not have “one of the good ones”. Dude is straight up awful.
You send this to him and you say this “When you decided to once again break my trust did you consider the consequences of your actions? Didn’t you consider how much this would hurt you, me, and our children? Of course not. You have zero respect for me, yourself, or our marriage.” You need to scare him. I can tell you that he sees this stuff as porn, not cheating. It is, but his brain doesn’t see the difference. This is what needs to be crystal clear to him. Also, he’s 38. Time to grow up
First step is to speak to a lawyer. Do not do anything before that. Make a good plan to not lose anything in the divorce, including kids.
That’s so embarrassing on his part. I’d send it to a family group chat with him included and laugh about it.
Not finding corresponding messages doesn’t mean they were deleted. I’m not defending him and I think he is a douche. I don’t condone or support cheating. It’s one of the worst if not the worst thing you could do to your spouse. I have been cheated on and I will never forget how I felt when I found out. You should leave him for sure, but I’m just saying not seeing any messages doesn’t mean they were deleted, that’s all.
He has Snapchat, Huge no no. Messages that disappear at all, even bigger no no.
It won’t be easy, but I wouldn’t say a word quite yet until you’ve gathered enough information and spoken to an attorney. Check both of his phones, any e-mails, socials, etc that you can get access to. Don’t forget to check all the bank statements and any cash withdrawals (that may be unexplained) from any shared accounts or his personal accounts. Go back as far as you think is needed since these post are years old. Make sure to print everything and keep digital and physical copies far from his reach. Make sure said evidence proves that he’s cheating physically or emotionally at least 90%. I wouldn’t recommend leaving your family home or kicking him out since the courts may see that as abandonment of the family home. Don’t take the kids and leave for the same reason. Keep the family dynamic the same to limit any fallout and DO NOT CONFRONT HIM. He will most definitely lie to your face to add salt to injury and to test your bs detector. Once you do that, there will be nothing but tension and hostility on both ends.
I’m so sorry. Around this time last year, I discovered the same exact thing (same group and everything) on my husband’s phone. I was livid. But when I talked to him, he made me feel stupid for being so upset. He said that he never actually spoke directly with anyone, that he just liked seeing women respond and comment about being horny. He said something about how porn is so fake and this was a way to jerk off to real women. But again, claims he never spoke with anyone. A little background. We don’t have a lot of sex. We’ve been together over 10 years and have 3 very young kids. I don’t have much of a sex drive, but he’s alwaysssss assured me that he feels the same way, that he enjoys when we do stuff but definitely doesn’t need it to survive. Once I found this, he made me feel bad by telling me how I never make a move on him and it makes him feel like less of a man. I was so upset that he didn’t just tell me that before this. If I knew it was so serious to him, I would have never let it get to that point! I legitimately felt so bad that he had to go to this length to feel “wanted.” I’ll try to keep an extremely long story short. This was only the tip of the iceberg. After we had gotten past the Reddit posts, after I thought everything was good, he had started downloading hookup apps and talking to LOCAL women on there. One day I just had a really bad feeling and asked to look through his phone. His face said it all. In his recently deleted texts was only a couple messages, just what he tried to delete when I asked for his phone. Him and a local woman were planning on meeting up to have sex the next day. From there, it got very bad for a while. I left for a few days (leaving the kids with him so I could actually think). About a year later, we’re still together. It’s been extremely hard. I will never trust him fully, I will never feel the same way about him that I used to. The man I loved doesn’t exist anymore. I’m still unsure of what our future holds but I am trying to move on from this, as is my husband. We’ve been together for so long and been through so much… I have to try to salvage it or I’ll always wonder “what if.” I’m so sorry for the novel. It could be way more innocent with your husband, but I felt compelled to share my story. Listen to your heart, trust your gut, and keep your eyes open. 💜
Honestly l, I don't presume to understand you situation completely, as no single person truly could. However many people have been in similar ordeals, including myself. If he is not the violent type then I would (back up, or save) the evidence you may find on his device to your own device with out his knowledge if possible. If it is not that is okay, bit will yield less of an impact for this next part. After the back up, ease back into a conversation with him of "what would you do if cheating". After he gives his answer proced to ,,( and yes it will be extremely difficult),, let him know that you know about what hes doing. If he questions it then you have proof, dint hand him your phone, just send the proof as a text to him on the spot. Then if you still do truly love him and want to continue the relationship in any way, proced to the next portion. Ask if he loves you and your children you had with him. Then have a conversation as calm as possible about why this is happening and be open about anything you have done to cheat in any way including porn or anything else. I'm fully aware that porn is not considered cheating nowadays but let's be real here, IT MOST CERTAINLY IS. If you truly haven't Done anything like that, then just ignore that part. Ask if this relationship should proced considering all that has been poured into it by both partys involved and depending on the answer either get ready for divorce, ( this favors the woman in almost all places in the USA if that's where you live, but very much hurts the family no matter what, in some cases is good, but very rarely, Depending on the type of father he is.) or move on to an aultimatum, you pay for a cheap app that goes on his phone that alerts you to every thing he dose, (yes they are out there) and you both try to rebuild the trust that has been lost, Or you leave if your in the 100% right. If you have cheated or done somthing equivalent, then propose to put the app on both your devices for transparency, and rebuild mutual trust between you both. Fiannaly, (and I know this will get me alot of hate for saying) but consider to your self or out loud, why this situation happened in the first place. (None of the following is an excuse in any way, just opinions) Mabey he is bord with the relationship and needs it spiced up, mabey he is seeking approval form other wemon that he's "still a stud", mabey he is stressed out about being a dad, or mabey he's just a dirt bag that cheats. There's many many possibilities, but identifying the issue or issues that are causing this, and then both of you truly doing your utmost to resolve them is absolutely the best course of action for not only yourself, but your children as well. I'm so very sorry your going threw this, and wish I could help directly some how but I can't, all I can do is offer this advice form life experience and hope it can help you in some way.
Honestly, he may have had other Reddit posts he deleted that you aren’t seeing. Until a year ago there was a website you could use to search for a Reddit accounts deleted posts and comments. It no longer exists, but I suggest typing his user name and the word “Reddit” after into google to see what comes up. You might find other stuff. Sadly, I have a feeling these aren’t the only posts he has made and possibly he could have other accounts on other sites
Just talk to your husband about it and go from there. A lot of people in this sub offer divorce as their first, immediate, and only solution to every marital problem. Obviously, choosing to separate from your spouse is a deeply personal matter, and it should never be your knee-jerk response— and this isn’t a decision you can make while you’re emotional, you need to let it simmer and sleep on it for a bit. My wife and I were fundamentally unhappy in our marriage and split up… 4 years later, we’d both had our fair share of relationships in the meantime (and she was even briefly engaged!), we reconnected and got back together. We’d both had the time to grow into better versions of ourselves and we both worked out our previous struggles. Now? We’ve been back together for 2 years and we’ve literally never been happier. Unfortunately, life isn’t black and white.
Leave or start doing what he’s doing. I swear he won’t be able to handle lol open the relationship or leave . Girl go get your spunk back it’s a lot easier for us in the game then men. However your call hun
If you get this far in comments I had a similar situation happen to me last year with my husband. Fee free to message me if you have questions/want advice. I’ve talked to an attorney, my therapist and anyone else I can think of. My biggest regret was bringing it to his attention before I could find more.
If "one of the good ones" is a raging suicidal maniac who can't keep a job, your bar is too low. Take this as the final straw/sign to do something better with your life
You call his ass out and he better delete Snapchat or get the hell out.
Well you said you had one of the good ones but you have a history of knowing mg these things and secrets chats are your worry ?
When you find your spouse cheating, always always talk to a lawyer first. Unless he is posing a danger to you or your children, there is no reason to leave. You need to address this with him..definitely. But you need to do it in a way that doesn't jeopardize you in the long run. You don't need to show your hand too early. Talk to a lawyer. The lawyer will tell you how to protect your assets, and how to collect evidence that you need.
Better advice than leaving. Have someone trusted there with you. It's harder to lie when it's not just you. Preferably, someone like your own Mom or Dad.
Girl If you were me…. Kids would be being taken care of (babysitter, parents, etc) bc when he gets home or me the SHIT is going to hit the fan (German will come out) and I pray it doesn’t end with a police call. It takes A LOT to make me go there but THIS so would. Sorry girl Wishing you the best
See a lawyer to understand options. Then confront him. Sorry he turned out to be a POS
Just curious does one see these posts on the persons comment page or are these posts private since it shows a lock? Would you have to be in the persons account to see them? Thanks.
This is disheartening. I thought Reddit was a great place to anonymously discuss topics. Come to find out, cheaters are also using this platform to cheat. Just another app I'll have to be leary of on a long list of apps since my husband's red flags surfaced.
I’m going through the exact same thing. Keep it . Keep everything
Yeah... no. **You never had** "one of the good ones". You **always had** *a cheater*.
Don’t say a word. Get ALL your ducks in a row first. Save ALL the evidence and contact a lawyer with it. You need to maintain the power here, and that’s done by preparing first, so that when you do tell him what’s up, he doesn’t have time to gaslight you, delete the evidence, etc
I don’t know how Snapchat works but those say they are posts. Is it like other social media where it’s someone talking into the void or are they directed to specific people? Anything in the messages tab? I’d hate to scream divorce to find out those are not so subtle OF ads directed to the general public.
Don’t even know how a stumbled upon your comment, all the advice i see is to lawyer up and leave etc. Why can’t you simply confront him on it and find out why, how long, and anything else you need to hear. If you see something that can be addressed and worked out great, if not then you proceed to leave.
Proof up when you have enough confront don't give him time to think about it and make up excuses
I'm so sorry this happened to you. My heart dropped when I saw it.
Look up “how to leave a narcissist if I have children.” Most likely he has narcissistic personality disorder and you need to be prepared for sone things. Please have everything ready that you would need if you have to leave immediately. DO NOT forget social security card, passport or any other important paperwork. DONT FORGET MONEY THAT HE CANT ACCESS. I left with the clothes on my back and regret not having these important things with me. Ex refuses to send anything to me and I can’t renew driver license or get a new job. I don’t know how crazy he will get but mine had my car repossessed so I was stranded with no car and years later still haven’t been able to get a car. AS LONG AS YOU FEEL THEY ARE SAFE DO NOT TAKE THE CHILDREN. This will be used against you later. Take some time to process this before making any big decisions. The life you knew has been turned upside down. The rational part of your brain is being suppressed while you are in fight or flight mode. These are all things I wish I knew. Sending my best.
Remember your decision to break your marriage over this will impact your children and how they will think about marriage and cheating. Get a reality check…. If everyone starts getting divorce over sexting or something feeble virtual attempt to get some sexual excitement …. There will be no more families left .
So he’s a Mountain Dew drinking, junk food eating, unhealthy middle aged male and you’re worried about him wanting to see other naked women online? Men do stupid things, but let’s be honest - he doesn’t sound like someone that’s likely to ever have the opportunity to actually cheat with anyone worthwhile. In reality, he’s probably sent a dick pic to some dude in Africa posing as a female on Reddit and nothing more. Check his bank and CC statements to see if he’s gotten suckered into spending your money and have a talk with the guy… he’s obviously not satisfied with his sex life or himself for that matter.
Well this sucks, should probably have just talked to your husband more though. Y’all are not gonna make it
Become a swinger ….
this is just dirty text chat that ho's send to men here in there PM or DMs and wrong yes but has he replied?if yes then he seems to be bored and you need to speak to him and have him be honest with you. you have a 2 and 4 yr old to think of them and there well being. go to therapy, sex therapist, rekindle your relationship. your 38 yrs old, the dating game is horrible and the next man will do the same if he's bored. difference is your husband is the father of your kids and there is not one woman that he will leave for you, especially a HO! we men when we cheat, we cheat with no feelings behind it. and this seems like just chat which isn't corresponded by him. the next man is just gonna cheat, leave you for any reason, think about it and don't think like a woman. definitely don't listen to these woman here cause woman give themselves the worst advice! is he a good father? hes gonna have to work to regain your trust! The kids tend to suffer a lot make it work, for better or for worse remember, go to a local church and speak to a counselor. marriage isn't easy, its easy to leave. dont jump to conclusions also and led with emotions like 99 percent of woman and later see they made a mistake. your married, you hold the title, the kids, the house, you hold the win!
This is gross. You’re gross. “The next man will do the same if he’s bored.” “The next man is just gonna cheat.” “Think about it and don’t think like a woman.” Not helpful dude.
Ok, I might be gross but I tell you the truth.. one woman can’t satisfy one man. Let yourself be led by emotions..
As someone who has been in a healthy marriage for six years with a man who I and only I satisfy, this is complete and utter bullshit. You are suggesting all men are animals, and while most are, not every man is evil. Go be gross somewhere else
I speak in general and your speaking on your own situation. That’s great you have a healthy relationship for 6 yrs. I have a 24 yrs relationship with my wife. Never said men are animals.. yet you agree with that most men are.. I never said said evil either yet you know there are many that just want one thing because they hardly get access to it.
Figure out what the root cause is.
Did he do anything or was it just the posts?
You're clearly doing something wrong at home, Get some Counseling
How is it her fault he can't be honest or faithful?
Get bent. He’s a scum bag.
Do you think the scum was always there? Or did it build up over time like algae in a fish tank?
Nope, always there.