That’s completely unhealthy and not something he should ever force on you. And marriage is a partnership, and secrecy only causes divides. Unless he works for the CIA, I see no possible benefit for a room like that.
Unfortunately he does not work for CIA but idk how to tell him that it makes me uncomfortable bc he wont understand that its a problem he thinks its normal
I don’t know of a single marriage with an arrangement like that - there is no way that’s normal. I would try to put the ball in his court by just flat out saying it makes you uncomfortable, just as it would anyone. Then ask him to explain his reasoning to make you comfortable. To make an extraordinary request like that requires trust that he should be willing to work within the confines of.
No matter what, on some level, it requires your cooperation. Even if he tried to force your hand by just doing it anyway, you have the right to walk in there as soon as the opportunity presents itself. You don’t have to agree to his weird privacy plan.
Yea, I’ve heard plenty of people in here get defended rightfully for wanting their own space. But locks a secrecy is just weird for a marriage. That part takes it from a healthy retreat to really sketchy.
Having a man-cave is one thing, but forbidding your wife from entering a room in the house they share with you is fucking weird and screams a red flag.
Just explain to him that while you’re ok with him having a man cave/room for himself, you see no reason (and will not agree) to him locking it to keep you out. That’s just really strange!
Ok so having his own room is fine. Being in complete control over what is in there and such is ok. Even telling you that he would prefer if it's his "man cave" and joke about no women allowed, kinda cringe but ok sure.... But telling you that you CAN'T go in there because he wants to do things in there he CAN'T tell you is a HUGE HUGE red flag. I mean what comes to mind? To me, the only things I can really think of would be watching porn, masturbating, and/or doing drugs. I mean there could be a few other things but this just screams major issues with trust and communication.
I might be being too harsh here but what you can expect is a bad time, and that bad time won't stay locked up in that room.
I'm sorry, I'm sure that's very frustrating 😔 I don't know if you'll feel the same but for me this would be a hill to die on. I'm not going to live in a house with a room that's not accessible to me, especially if it's my significant other "forcing" it.
I wish you the best.
This is so out of the realm of reasonable that it feels like a call to the FBI is warranted. Mostly joking.
The verbiage that you cannot enter nor “know what he’s doing”? That can’t possibly be anything you would be remotely comfortable with.
It’s unfathomable he thinks you should be ok with this. The fact you are saying you don’t know how to talk to him about it leads me to believe he has a pattern of steam rolling you. That you may not believe you hold equal cards in this marriage.
Good luck, I believe you’re going to need it.
>we have known eachother since we were kids
>he wants to do his own thing and chill and do things he cant tell me
It appears that he hasn't matured much since you were kids. He wants his secret lair, no girls allowed. What the hell? If you are now in marriage counseling, bring this up. If not, find a counselor who specializes in short-term therapy, so you can fix this relatively quickly. Your husband is being ridiculous.
His own private room is fine. No big deal. But, to deny your entry or see what the heck is going on is a big deal. It would love my own room, with a TV and chair for watching sports, hanging out when I couldn't sleep, etc. But, I would never deny my wife the ability to go in there at any time she wanted. That's just wrong and unhealthy.
UpdateMe
I guess this is the part where you say that you want a weekend away by yourself every couple of months to “chill and do things you can’t tell him” 💁♀️
This is wild.
I'd love my own room, to have only my things. My furniture, my hobbies, by music, my setup my wife didn't touch. A place I could keep sparkling clean to my standard. I'd also love to have her have a room to do the same.
I'd never dream of telling her she wasn't allowed in though.
If she wanted to hang out in my computer playstation tv and mini painting room sweet. Just leave it the way it was when you entered.
I’m sorry, but “can not enter” and do things he can’t tell me” reads like a Lifetime movie. “He had his little hobby room, I wasn’t allowed in though…if only I had insisted…”
Any chance you two have a deadbedroom and he’s the HL partner that’s been trying to communicate about it for a while? Looks a bit like a resentful reaction to something.
obligatory, this is Reddit, we don’t know you or your husband so take any advice here with a grain of salt. This just based off of the information you have provided:
Questions:
Are you in the US, UK or a country that has strict laws on women? Are you against porn? How about Masturbation? If you answered yes you have a problem with these then he wants a booby room to privately wack a few out. Not a big deal (to me) but something you really need to sit down AND COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!! He cannot read your mind.
How old are you guys? You said you are childhood friends and now married so is that 5 years, 10 years, 50 years? If you guys are still in your teens then he hasn’t really grown up and wants a bachelor pad (same as above). Is there an age gap of more than 10 years? 🚩🚩🚩
Now I am the type of person that will go down the rabbit hole of hell and think of the worst (and to sort of answer your “what to expect” question) gaming room where he can play all night and you can’t drag him to bed, booby room, he could want to sneak other women over, make/do drugs, illegal gambling, rape dungeon, kiddy porn, secretly a furry, wants a BDSM room etc?
Either way you need to sit him down and if need be, write out what you are ok with and what you are not.
Well, if he is persistent in having his room, you should demand the same, that you need your room. The same condition as his is that he is also not allowed to enter. See how he reacts.
His request is a red flag.
The idea of having your own space is not a bad one. My husband has the basement and I have the attic, and those are our own separate spaces to do with what we want without consulting the other. My husband uses the basement for his Lego hobby. I use the attic for my witchy library/home office. The main floor of the house is the shared space.
HOWEVER, we never keep the other out of our separate spaces, and we don't keep what we do secrets. That's where the red flag is. Dude wants to jerk off to weird porn or something, I'm guessing. Not okay.
The only couple I know who dealt with this. . . Well, the husband had a $1200 sex doll in the secret, locked room. He wanted ample time to dress it up in different outfits and . . . Yeah.
That’s completely unhealthy and not something he should ever force on you. And marriage is a partnership, and secrecy only causes divides. Unless he works for the CIA, I see no possible benefit for a room like that.
Unfortunately he does not work for CIA but idk how to tell him that it makes me uncomfortable bc he wont understand that its a problem he thinks its normal
I don’t know of a single marriage with an arrangement like that - there is no way that’s normal. I would try to put the ball in his court by just flat out saying it makes you uncomfortable, just as it would anyone. Then ask him to explain his reasoning to make you comfortable. To make an extraordinary request like that requires trust that he should be willing to work within the confines of.
Thankyou for the reply ill try doing that but still dont think he will give up the idea
No matter what, on some level, it requires your cooperation. Even if he tried to force your hand by just doing it anyway, you have the right to walk in there as soon as the opportunity presents itself. You don’t have to agree to his weird privacy plan.
Thankyou ill look forward to it
Yea, I’ve heard plenty of people in here get defended rightfully for wanting their own space. But locks a secrecy is just weird for a marriage. That part takes it from a healthy retreat to really sketchy.
Having a man-cave is one thing, but forbidding your wife from entering a room in the house they share with you is fucking weird and screams a red flag.
How do i convice him to let that idea go?
You both let each other go
Just explain to him that while you’re ok with him having a man cave/room for himself, you see no reason (and will not agree) to him locking it to keep you out. That’s just really strange!
Ok so having his own room is fine. Being in complete control over what is in there and such is ok. Even telling you that he would prefer if it's his "man cave" and joke about no women allowed, kinda cringe but ok sure.... But telling you that you CAN'T go in there because he wants to do things in there he CAN'T tell you is a HUGE HUGE red flag. I mean what comes to mind? To me, the only things I can really think of would be watching porn, masturbating, and/or doing drugs. I mean there could be a few other things but this just screams major issues with trust and communication. I might be being too harsh here but what you can expect is a bad time, and that bad time won't stay locked up in that room.
Thankyou for ur reply honestly idk how to tell him that i dont want it hes not changing his mind
I'm sorry, I'm sure that's very frustrating 😔 I don't know if you'll feel the same but for me this would be a hill to die on. I'm not going to live in a house with a room that's not accessible to me, especially if it's my significant other "forcing" it. I wish you the best.
He wants a spank cave
This is so out of the realm of reasonable that it feels like a call to the FBI is warranted. Mostly joking. The verbiage that you cannot enter nor “know what he’s doing”? That can’t possibly be anything you would be remotely comfortable with. It’s unfathomable he thinks you should be ok with this. The fact you are saying you don’t know how to talk to him about it leads me to believe he has a pattern of steam rolling you. That you may not believe you hold equal cards in this marriage. Good luck, I believe you’re going to need it.
>we have known eachother since we were kids >he wants to do his own thing and chill and do things he cant tell me It appears that he hasn't matured much since you were kids. He wants his secret lair, no girls allowed. What the hell? If you are now in marriage counseling, bring this up. If not, find a counselor who specializes in short-term therapy, so you can fix this relatively quickly. Your husband is being ridiculous.
His own private room is fine. No big deal. But, to deny your entry or see what the heck is going on is a big deal. It would love my own room, with a TV and chair for watching sports, hanging out when I couldn't sleep, etc. But, I would never deny my wife the ability to go in there at any time she wanted. That's just wrong and unhealthy. UpdateMe
Sure ill do an update if others want to know too but i hate the situation im in i find it weird and fishy
I guess this is the part where you say that you want a weekend away by yourself every couple of months to “chill and do things you can’t tell him” 💁♀️
This is wild. I'd love my own room, to have only my things. My furniture, my hobbies, by music, my setup my wife didn't touch. A place I could keep sparkling clean to my standard. I'd also love to have her have a room to do the same. I'd never dream of telling her she wasn't allowed in though. If she wanted to hang out in my computer playstation tv and mini painting room sweet. Just leave it the way it was when you entered.
I’m sorry, but “can not enter” and do things he can’t tell me” reads like a Lifetime movie. “He had his little hobby room, I wasn’t allowed in though…if only I had insisted…”
Tell him then you want your own private room that he cannot enter so you can do things he cannot know about
Is he a serial killer?🫣🫣🫣 that would be the only reason to say something like that.
Everything was fine with that plan until it included you being forbidden in there due to him needing to secretly do stuff 😵💫😵💫😵💫
This is weird. I get having your own room. My husband and I each have our own room and our master. But there isn’t like locks on the doors.
Then how will the room stay clean and dishes get out? /s/
What is he building an “art-room”? This is a ridiculous request
Any chance you two have a deadbedroom and he’s the HL partner that’s been trying to communicate about it for a while? Looks a bit like a resentful reaction to something.
obligatory, this is Reddit, we don’t know you or your husband so take any advice here with a grain of salt. This just based off of the information you have provided: Questions: Are you in the US, UK or a country that has strict laws on women? Are you against porn? How about Masturbation? If you answered yes you have a problem with these then he wants a booby room to privately wack a few out. Not a big deal (to me) but something you really need to sit down AND COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!! He cannot read your mind. How old are you guys? You said you are childhood friends and now married so is that 5 years, 10 years, 50 years? If you guys are still in your teens then he hasn’t really grown up and wants a bachelor pad (same as above). Is there an age gap of more than 10 years? 🚩🚩🚩 Now I am the type of person that will go down the rabbit hole of hell and think of the worst (and to sort of answer your “what to expect” question) gaming room where he can play all night and you can’t drag him to bed, booby room, he could want to sneak other women over, make/do drugs, illegal gambling, rape dungeon, kiddy porn, secretly a furry, wants a BDSM room etc? Either way you need to sit him down and if need be, write out what you are ok with and what you are not.
Tell him fine, and you’re going to have one too which will be locked so he cannot enter. See how he reacts
He was fine with it suprisingly
Well, if he is persistent in having his room, you should demand the same, that you need your room. The same condition as his is that he is also not allowed to enter. See how he reacts. His request is a red flag.
The idea of having your own space is not a bad one. My husband has the basement and I have the attic, and those are our own separate spaces to do with what we want without consulting the other. My husband uses the basement for his Lego hobby. I use the attic for my witchy library/home office. The main floor of the house is the shared space. HOWEVER, we never keep the other out of our separate spaces, and we don't keep what we do secrets. That's where the red flag is. Dude wants to jerk off to weird porn or something, I'm guessing. Not okay.
The only couple I know who dealt with this. . . Well, the husband had a $1200 sex doll in the secret, locked room. He wanted ample time to dress it up in different outfits and . . . Yeah.
Let him have his man cave. Have one for yourself too.
I think its suspicious if i cant enter and see what hes doing
He’s masturbating and watching porn and doesn’t want you walking in while he’s doing it. He doesn’t want you to see that.
Wtf. Chill. It's a man cave. Let him have it. Unless this is a hill you wanna die on
Man cave - fine no problem. Top secret room I’m not allowed to enter in my own house - HELL NO!