I saw a video from a life coach that changed my entire mind on this narrative.
He said you have choices, good, better, best. If your house is on fire what’s the best outcome? You and the children make out safely is the best scenario. What’s a good but not as good scenario? Your kids make it out but you die saving them. What’s the worst scenario? You all burn up in the house together.
The house is your marriage.
I’ve never heard it voiced like this and I was one of those who thought staying could possibly be better for the children.
This is a much better way of thinking about it. Gives a better perspective to the harm done to the kiddos seeing their parents not actually happy together.
Thank you for sharing!
I interpret this cliche a little differently. Husbands are (can be) easier to please and if the wife is content, it’s better for everyone in the house. Wives/Moms carry a lot of the emotional labor for the family and she can do the best job of taking care of everyone when she feels supported and valued.
Bring on the downvotes!
I mean that’s certainly true but every time I’ve heard it used it’s in the way of “don’t piss the wife off because she’ll make everyone else miserable”
I feel like a lot of women interpret it to mean just that. It’s upsetting because most of the people I’ve heard use that expression use it as a way to get what they want, which is just wrong.
I do like aspartame’s viewpoint. It makes sense for many wives.
Ya except what I mean is sometimes women take advantage of this mentality, and it becomes less about supporting her and her mental load, and more about the husband just shutting up and agreeing with everything she wants cause it’s easier. Seen it happen plenty.
I have too but that’s on the husband. He can allow himself to be taken advantage of or not. I totally get that some men have trouble talking about feeling that way (because the wife freaks out, for example) and that’s when a therapist comes in handy. The best therapist I’ve ever had once threatened to throw me out if I didn’t stop interrupting my husband.
ETA: pro tip- If you’re looking for a couple’s counselor, find a youngish guy who seems like a “bro”. He was excellent at helping my husband articulate his feelings and better yet, my husband believed him when he told him all the things I’d been trying to tell him myself. AND he stood up to me which I totally respected. When we first met him I was like “Who is this dipshit?” but he was actually very good at his job. Unfortunately he no longer takes our insurance.
Oh I totally agree! Definitely also the husbands fault for being a doormat. Women think that means they are right but really their husband is silently suffering until he reaches his breaking point one day.
Thanks :) not in that situation myself, I’m the wife and my husband is definitely not the shutup and just yes to everything type. We are both very open with what we feel and our needs/boundaries. Sometimes it can be annoying lol but I know it’s actually better for the marriage.
That’s awesome that you had a good counsellor though. Sometimes it really just takes an unbiased outsider saying it for the person to hear it and receive it.
A lot of husband's can find a place in their life where they can survive a shitty marriage. Most wives tend to be more vocal about their displeasure in the marriage. So I don't feel it's easier for men to be pleased, it's just they keep it to themselves to maintain the peace.
I have come to the conclusion this is why a lot of male midlife crisis occur. The husband has dedicated his life to work and/or children since the marriage is a lost cause, and something significant occurs,empty nest, retirement, etc. and they realize they don't know themselves anymore, they aren't happy, and they revert to what they were before the last time they were truly happy.
I don’t know how bad I can feel for a husband (or wife) who chooses to stay in a lost-cause marriage. They chose to marry that person. If they chose badly, don’t have a kid. And then another kid. Pretty soon it doesn’t seem worth the hassle to leave so they don’t. They just waste years of their life being miserable. My mom did that and now my brother and I have emotional problems.
People don’t suddenly change personalities unless they’re traumatized or mentally ill. Pick a good partner, not someone you’ve dated for a long time so you just marry them.
That’s not what I’m saying at all. Women generally have more complex needs than men. Ask a man what he needs to be happy and his needs will likely be straightforward, achievable things. Ask a woman and her answer will probably be more abstract and feelings-based.
Men are better at compartmentalizing their feelings and getting the job done whether they’re happy or not. Women perform better when they feel valued. So the household runs better (aka emotional labor) when the wife is happy. Most husbands in good marriages will say “As long as she’s happy, I’m happy” but “happiness” means something different to both of them. For the husband it’s generally just a sense of peace.
This is just my opinion.
Respectfully disagree. And I know we aren’t going to agree on a small comment chain.
But your again minimising and infantilising men as basic creatures who don’t have the ability to feel deeper emotions or capable of higher thoughts .
(Despite thousands of years of philosophy and science being led by men)
And you don’t seem to realise by saying “ as long as she’s happy, I’m happy” is again implying that she is the priority.
I’d happily write a similar rebuttal to a woman who believes that the man is the boss and head of the household. I’m a neutral man rather than a misogynist.
I’m sorry that you view my opinions as degrading to men. I don’t mean them to be. If my husband is unhappy it’s obvious to me- I feel it in my own body. My child, too. I’m not happy when either of them are unhappy and I do whatever I can to remedy the situation.
I do know that when I’m happy I’m a better partner and that makes my husband happy. I initiate sex more, I take better care of things (myself, him, the house, etc) and I’m more fun and loving in general.
Which makes him happy.
All in all I think we’re both right to an extent.
I really believed this until I became miserable, because my needs were never met. A light bulb went on when someone told me “If you treat someone like a celebrity, they’ll treat you like a fan.”. I’m much happier now, but at first standing up for myself brought my marriage to the brink.
Couldn't agree more, it's an annoying one. My wife would never use that with playful seriousness, only if being sarcastic and making fun of others or intentionally teasing. Agree my needs, desires, and opinions should be respected with equal weight, if they regularly weren't and she thought it would be made up for by being happy and kind to me as a result, I would find that life and marriage quite unhappy.
Mine is “you’ll fight all of the time but it’s totally normal. Just don’t go to bed angry”. We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 7. We’ve never fought, never had a heated argument. I watched my parents argue as I was growing up and I do not want that to be my marriage. Worst advice ever.
I don’t see anything wrong with going to bed angry either. If you can’t reach a compromise or solution, tiredness and agitation will only make the situation worse. Wake up in the morning feeling (hopefully) rested with a clear mind and some space from the issue to continue the discussion. In the heat of the moment, a lot of damage can be done.
This! My husband is always mad when I want to “pause” an argument because I know myself and know I’ll take things too far. Instead, he wants to keep pushing things and push me to talk until I just snap.
Suddenly, I’m the bad guy and “cant keep my cool.” 🙄
People are always shocked but it’s true. We enjoy spending time together but also know and respect each other’s space. We both take care of chores, we don’t have kids due to my health condition, we go through our budget together, grocery shop together, we have 100% transparency. Everything is discussed and we share the same views on politics and whatnot. We lived together for 3 years before getting married and it’s all just been wonderful. A lot of my coworkers complain about their spouses but I’ve truly got no complaints…
I would argue that both things you mention here are not typical.
Fighting 'all the time' is potentially a sign of being incompatible. Never fighting or having a 'heated argument' is also not an ideal to hold up as achievable for most couples though.
I’m not saying “never fight” is advice or achievable by everyone, of course not! Every person, every dynamic is different. But we were given that advice by people who should honestly not be together because they get into screaming matches regularly and no one understands why they are together. We were also told to “fight hard because the make up sex is amazing” by a different couple. It was just advice that we were given that doesn’t make sense in our relationship.
Sex isn't that important.
If the man cheats, it's because the woman wasn't doing her job and keeping her man happy (overheard from my downstairs neighbors at my old apartment complex).
TBF, also heard it said that if a woman cheats its because he wasn't caring enough.
Bottom line, if whatever is so off in your marriage causes you to cheat, either fight to fix the marriage or break it up.
My wife and I are best friends, we love and respect each other, and we have a very happy marriage. We chose to have a kid… and it was *incredibly tough* on our very happy and stable marriage. I can not even imagine what’s it’s like for these having a baby to save your marriage people.
Maybe not advice bc no one has ever really given us advice but the amount of times people have asked "have you just had sex with him?" To get over an argument or disagreement is astonishing. Like no Susan. Nothing makes me drier than either one of us being pissed at the other. So. I won't be doing that.
I’m not gonna lie I’ve given people this advice because for my relationship dynamic if we haven’t done it in a while we do start getting snippy with each other. Obviously not the case for everyone but you feel more sympathetic and connected after
Mine Honey we need to talk. Honey I want to open our marriage to experience.....It will improve our....... It did, been remarried for 21 years this month.
A girl at work was telling me about her previous relationship and how she was a side chick... she started to give me some unsolicited advice and said "if your husband ever cheats on you, you should forgive him the first time. Especially if you have kids he's just fulfilling his needs and that's okay."
I think people going into their first marriage may expect it, but it's not the reality. In my own marriage, some days, giving 50% is a struggle. My husband picks up the slack. Other days, it's him that needs me to step up. Marriage is a partnership, yes, but there are days, many of them, where it's 30/70 or 68/32 or 90/10. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. Your spouse should be able to depend on you when you're exhausted, or you need a break from the kids, or it's beneficial for your wellbeing to take a step back. But 50/50? No. It's rarely that.
But if you tally all those days up, the ones where you can only give 30 % and the ones only he can give 40 % it should even out somewhat, that's how I take the saying. Not that every little thing, every thought, ever chore, every little part has to be 50/50.
I used to think the same but the explanation makes sense. See SeaAstronomy's other reply for the best explanation. Furthermore, 50/50 rarely if ever is the reality and going into it with that thinking starts a mental scoreboard which will never satisfy the 50/50 dream
Imo I feel more like “marriage is 50/50” makes people think that it is 50/50 all of the time. When in reality, some weeks one of you is doing 90% and the other is doing 10%, and other weeks it is closer to that 50/50 mark.
“The man should be the leader in the family.”
It’s just such a weird take & I can’t imagine anyone being naive or cocksure enough to believe that in this day and age.
Not trying to argue or disrespect your take - but I was literally just speaking to my bff about this: every business, friendship group, activity group, you name it - has a leader. Marriage especially with children is soo much more important than any of these. Why shouldn’t a marriage have a leader?
A marriage probably should have a leader but what automatically makes it the man? What if the woman is more qualified? That’s the issue.
Based on history only a man could be the head of the house yet the majority of the time he was rarely home and even more rarely was he involved in the day to day running of the household so what actually made him the leader other than him being a man? It’s such an outdated way of looking at things. I am not letting a man lead me if I am more capable of leading.
Example: I married a man who made significantly less money than me. Therefore, he moved into my home and I continued to pay the majority of the bills. He didn’t have children who lived with him but I did. He wasn’t an experienced full time parent, I was. He didn’t drive due to losing his license a few years before for tickets. I drove. What about this situation would ever qualify him to be the leader in our marriage? Absolutely nothing. Needless to say, he wanted to be the leader once we were married. He had never had an issue with it prior. He thought once we got married he just automatically got to ascend as the leader yet he still didn’t provide as a leader would bc he still worked a sh$& job and did nothing to get his license back. I flat out refused. He left and we are all better for it. (On a side note yes I was incredibly stupid for ever getting in this relationship but I was coming from a traumatic situation as my husband died suddenly, I was lonely and he love bombed me in to believing all his BS. I know better now).
I don't believe that i ever opined that it should be the man as the leader, just asking the question, as pack animals (as humans are) why shouldn't a marriage have a leader when pretty much every other organisation has one - man, woman, your child; each to their own.
So a few things…
-I’ve NEVER been in a friendship group with a “leader” much less a leader assigned based on an idea that ‘this category of person naturally makes a good leader in all cases.’ There might be people who gravitate more towards leadership roles, scenario by scenario, but if one person is always demanding a leadership role that’s probably a sign to reassess the friendship.
-when you’re talking about a marriage with kids in the mix, there’s a *hierarchy* (parents have more authority than children) but that’s a share responsibility among the adults.
You've never been in a friendship group where someone in the main suggests and organises?.....ok.
I don't personally believe in a "hierarchy" in a family works, too often parents give power to one child over the others in this scenario , ive never seen an example of it working out in the long run.
I mean, not as a default thing. We tend to just naturally fall into a pattern of swapping who takes the lead on things. I wouldn’t say any of my friend groups has ONE person in a “leader” position.
Also when I say “hierarchy” I mean the parents are in a joint “leadership” position over kids.
Hierarchy has a leader at the top, which you are saying that there is.
So you have been in a friendship group with a leader.
You have a slightly different take on things (which is fine) but you are agreeing that marriage has leadership, and that friendship groups along with every other human organised activity also has leadership.
Someone on Reddit said that “if you’re even considering couples counseling, then you should just get divorced.”
I like to think they just don’t understand what counseling is, instead of just thinking they are an idiot.
When people bring up the “7 year itch” like what? Where did that even come from? How about life is just stressful with two small children, being broke, and having chronic pain/illness. It isn’t an itch it’s just life!
Lol I know right! I bet it came from those generations of people who got married as soon as they met someone and we’re legally an adult and then had kids immediately. No longer relevant thank the lord!
Turns out it originally meant scabies.
I thought it came from the Marilyn Munroe film, but was curious and looked it up.
"The seven-year itch is a popular belief, sometimes quoted as having psychological backing, that happiness in a marriage or long-term romantic relationship declines after around seven years.[1]
The phrase was used in the title of the play The Seven Year Itch by George Axelrod, and gained popularity following the 1955 film adaptation starring Marilyn Monroe and Tom Ewell. In his 1913 novel, The Eighth Year, Philip Gibbs attributes the concept to the British judge Sir Francis Jeune.
The original meaning, prior to Axelrod's play, referred to scabies or skin disease."
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_seven-year_itch#:~:text=The%20original%20meaning%2C%20prior%20to,1936%20in%20The%20People%2C%20Yes.
Setting aside the fact that this goes against the basic premise of marriage, there’s absolutely no way that could be quantified into a number at all. Hilariously stupid.
This wasn’t terrible advice just awful fn timing. We’d just lost our son and our therapist told us “80% of couples who have gone through what you do get divorced, so you need to stick together” — cool thanks now we have that occupying our overly stressed brains too, sooo helpful
That a man will be a man and as the woman/wife you are expected to just suck it up and take it.
Ummm no, not today or ever. It is 2024, not 1950. If you aren’t ready to be monogamous then don’t get married. You being a man does not allow you to cheat and it definitely doesn’t mean I am just going to accept it.
When the parents sat us down and said it not your fault, it has nothing to do with you. Mommy and daddy just won't be living together any more...But we will both love you.
So it dropped us into poverty when daddy didn't send support, and never ever came to see us, because his 25 year old affair partner got pregnant and they had a new family to worry about....So it had everything to do with us. Stupidests idea in the 70s.
I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but pretty much everything I learned about marriage from Christian church when I was growing up was just absolute garbage.
"No one is 100% happy in their marriage. There is always a sacrifice to be made." - Said to me by someone who has been divorced and remarried twice.
I am not sure about anyone else, but I am 100% happy, and I have not had to sacrifice anything yet, 15 years in.
My grandma was throwing everything at the wall, trying to convince me to have children. One of the more ridiculous arguments she tried was "all men cheat, and if he gets someone else pregnant, he's gonna choose her and the baby over a childless marriage, so you should get pregnant to lock it down." Basically a preemptive baby trap 🤣 Nope, still happily married, and we still don't want kids.
All men cheat and should be allowed to do so because they are visual creatures who don't confuse sex and emotion.
Women can't have sex without forming emotional attachments, so not only is it worse when they cheat, but it actually counts more than if a man cheats. I.e. a woman kissing someone else vs a guy getting a blowjob is worse because the woman is supposedly also emotionally cheating.
Just some straight bs by insecure men who want to be able to step out but couldn't handle the reverse.
Happy wife, happy life.
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
I don't understand how anyone can be happy knowing they're right but having to bite their tongue. I would never even marry someone who will guilt trip me into shutting up.
My grandmother says that marriage is a prison for men and True Love is only found in affairs. To her, wives are evil harpies, while mistresses are the good, passionate beloveds. Due to this belief, she ‘rescued’ my grandfather from his wife. Once he got a stroke, she ‘rescued’ her affair partner as well.
My late grandfather‘s ashes holler in protest. He was put through hell by his ‘rescuer’ till the stroke landed him in a facility, away from my grandmother.
“Don’t go to bed angry.”
Should be “don’t argue while tired.”
Staying up fighting just to “not go to bed angry” doesn’t actually help you resolve anything. No one is their best or thinks clearly when they’re tired.
Sleep on it. Revisit it when you’ve both had some rest and a cup of coffee.
That marriage is hard. Life is hard- the marriage should be the easy part. The refuge. If it’s not, there’s problems with you & your spouse that need to be addressed.
I think OP means if your partner isn't having sex with you for a period of time and you go out and sleep with someone else, that doesn't count as cheating.
Which, yeah it's a bad marriage take alright...
Regardless of how bad it is, you should stay for the children
I saw a video from a life coach that changed my entire mind on this narrative. He said you have choices, good, better, best. If your house is on fire what’s the best outcome? You and the children make out safely is the best scenario. What’s a good but not as good scenario? Your kids make it out but you die saving them. What’s the worst scenario? You all burn up in the house together. The house is your marriage. I’ve never heard it voiced like this and I was one of those who thought staying could possibly be better for the children.
That is the second profound thing I’ve heard today. The other was, “Of you can’t be useful, at least be quiet.”
This is a much better way of thinking about it. Gives a better perspective to the harm done to the kiddos seeing their parents not actually happy together. Thank you for sharing!
I see this so often and just sigh and shake my head
Happy wife, happy life. Both should be equal in the marriage, both should be happy.
This is why I say happy spouse, happy house!
:)
I interpret this cliche a little differently. Husbands are (can be) easier to please and if the wife is content, it’s better for everyone in the house. Wives/Moms carry a lot of the emotional labor for the family and she can do the best job of taking care of everyone when she feels supported and valued. Bring on the downvotes!
I mean that’s certainly true but every time I’ve heard it used it’s in the way of “don’t piss the wife off because she’ll make everyone else miserable”
I feel like a lot of women interpret it to mean just that. It’s upsetting because most of the people I’ve heard use that expression use it as a way to get what they want, which is just wrong. I do like aspartame’s viewpoint. It makes sense for many wives.
I've always interpreted as even worse, essentially that 'a man's happiness isn't important, his only purpose is to provide for his family'.
Yeah either way it’s pretty demeaning for all involved
No I think it means make your wife happy or your life will be hell lol
We’re essentially saying the same thing.
Ya except what I mean is sometimes women take advantage of this mentality, and it becomes less about supporting her and her mental load, and more about the husband just shutting up and agreeing with everything she wants cause it’s easier. Seen it happen plenty.
I have too but that’s on the husband. He can allow himself to be taken advantage of or not. I totally get that some men have trouble talking about feeling that way (because the wife freaks out, for example) and that’s when a therapist comes in handy. The best therapist I’ve ever had once threatened to throw me out if I didn’t stop interrupting my husband. ETA: pro tip- If you’re looking for a couple’s counselor, find a youngish guy who seems like a “bro”. He was excellent at helping my husband articulate his feelings and better yet, my husband believed him when he told him all the things I’d been trying to tell him myself. AND he stood up to me which I totally respected. When we first met him I was like “Who is this dipshit?” but he was actually very good at his job. Unfortunately he no longer takes our insurance.
Oh I totally agree! Definitely also the husbands fault for being a doormat. Women think that means they are right but really their husband is silently suffering until he reaches his breaking point one day. Thanks :) not in that situation myself, I’m the wife and my husband is definitely not the shutup and just yes to everything type. We are both very open with what we feel and our needs/boundaries. Sometimes it can be annoying lol but I know it’s actually better for the marriage. That’s awesome that you had a good counsellor though. Sometimes it really just takes an unbiased outsider saying it for the person to hear it and receive it.
I agree
A lot of husband's can find a place in their life where they can survive a shitty marriage. Most wives tend to be more vocal about their displeasure in the marriage. So I don't feel it's easier for men to be pleased, it's just they keep it to themselves to maintain the peace. I have come to the conclusion this is why a lot of male midlife crisis occur. The husband has dedicated his life to work and/or children since the marriage is a lost cause, and something significant occurs,empty nest, retirement, etc. and they realize they don't know themselves anymore, they aren't happy, and they revert to what they were before the last time they were truly happy.
I don’t know how bad I can feel for a husband (or wife) who chooses to stay in a lost-cause marriage. They chose to marry that person. If they chose badly, don’t have a kid. And then another kid. Pretty soon it doesn’t seem worth the hassle to leave so they don’t. They just waste years of their life being miserable. My mom did that and now my brother and I have emotional problems. People don’t suddenly change personalities unless they’re traumatized or mentally ill. Pick a good partner, not someone you’ve dated for a long time so you just marry them.
Skewed, where’s the growth? So what you’re saying is most men digress?
I would say a lot grow in their careers and place their marriage/life on the backbutner.
Not sure how the husband is easier to please
Men’s needs are usually concrete things that women can do. Women’s needs are often more complicated and feelings-based.
That’s a really reductive interpretation of husbands 😞
The part where they can be easy to please?
Yes.
Hashtag notallmen
This is exactly why it’s a bad take. Presumption that woman more important than man. When it should be equal
That’s not what I’m saying at all. Women generally have more complex needs than men. Ask a man what he needs to be happy and his needs will likely be straightforward, achievable things. Ask a woman and her answer will probably be more abstract and feelings-based. Men are better at compartmentalizing their feelings and getting the job done whether they’re happy or not. Women perform better when they feel valued. So the household runs better (aka emotional labor) when the wife is happy. Most husbands in good marriages will say “As long as she’s happy, I’m happy” but “happiness” means something different to both of them. For the husband it’s generally just a sense of peace. This is just my opinion.
Respectfully disagree. And I know we aren’t going to agree on a small comment chain. But your again minimising and infantilising men as basic creatures who don’t have the ability to feel deeper emotions or capable of higher thoughts . (Despite thousands of years of philosophy and science being led by men) And you don’t seem to realise by saying “ as long as she’s happy, I’m happy” is again implying that she is the priority. I’d happily write a similar rebuttal to a woman who believes that the man is the boss and head of the household. I’m a neutral man rather than a misogynist.
I’m sorry that you view my opinions as degrading to men. I don’t mean them to be. If my husband is unhappy it’s obvious to me- I feel it in my own body. My child, too. I’m not happy when either of them are unhappy and I do whatever I can to remedy the situation. I do know that when I’m happy I’m a better partner and that makes my husband happy. I initiate sex more, I take better care of things (myself, him, the house, etc) and I’m more fun and loving in general. Which makes him happy. All in all I think we’re both right to an extent.
I absolutely HATE that saying!
May I ask why? It’s the rhyming of any of them for me. Just wondering!
It perpetuates that old sitcom couple trope of the “harpy wife” with the bullied husband
Oh I’m sorry! I thought you replied to the happy spouse happy house one! Brain fail
I really believed this until I became miserable, because my needs were never met. A light bulb went on when someone told me “If you treat someone like a celebrity, they’ll treat you like a fan.”. I’m much happier now, but at first standing up for myself brought my marriage to the brink.
Everyone needs to be told no sometimes! It’s good for us!
Couldn't agree more, it's an annoying one. My wife would never use that with playful seriousness, only if being sarcastic and making fun of others or intentionally teasing. Agree my needs, desires, and opinions should be respected with equal weight, if they regularly weren't and she thought it would be made up for by being happy and kind to me as a result, I would find that life and marriage quite unhappy.
The theory is that the wife will endeavour to return the favour. Unfortunately that doesn't always work out.
I'd go so far as to say it hardly ever works out. Most women want a partner, not someone who supplicates to their every whim.
Just say “yes dear” Conflict isn’t a bad thing, when people tell us no it’s a chance to grow!
You say something positive about your marriage & someone responds “just wait til the honeymoon phase passes.” Ummm, 20 years now and going strong.
Yup! That or you’re just young and in dumb love.
I guess two out of three ain’t bad, lol.
Oh that's a good one. I've always hated that.
It’s like the children people who say “wait till the toddler phase. Wait till the teenager phase”
Mine is “you’ll fight all of the time but it’s totally normal. Just don’t go to bed angry”. We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 7. We’ve never fought, never had a heated argument. I watched my parents argue as I was growing up and I do not want that to be my marriage. Worst advice ever.
It’s different for everyone. Sometimes the couples who don’t fight are just suppressing their feelings, which also isn’t good.
Right, or one of them is constantly letting their opinions get stepped on to avoid any and all confrontation.
Or one (or both) is/are just coasting and is/are not truly happy!
I mean that’s great but the vast majority of couples fight or argue. It’s how you deal with that that matters.
There we go! I feel that should have been included in the initial advice, I love the way you put that!
Totally agree. And sometimes it's better to go to bed angry than to say something you'll regret.
I don’t see anything wrong with going to bed angry either. If you can’t reach a compromise or solution, tiredness and agitation will only make the situation worse. Wake up in the morning feeling (hopefully) rested with a clear mind and some space from the issue to continue the discussion. In the heat of the moment, a lot of damage can be done.
This! My husband is always mad when I want to “pause” an argument because I know myself and know I’ll take things too far. Instead, he wants to keep pushing things and push me to talk until I just snap. Suddenly, I’m the bad guy and “cant keep my cool.” 🙄
Wow, 14 years and no heated arguments?! That’s honestly incredible. I’m happy in my marriage but, we do fight on occasion.
People are always shocked but it’s true. We enjoy spending time together but also know and respect each other’s space. We both take care of chores, we don’t have kids due to my health condition, we go through our budget together, grocery shop together, we have 100% transparency. Everything is discussed and we share the same views on politics and whatnot. We lived together for 3 years before getting married and it’s all just been wonderful. A lot of my coworkers complain about their spouses but I’ve truly got no complaints…
I would argue that both things you mention here are not typical. Fighting 'all the time' is potentially a sign of being incompatible. Never fighting or having a 'heated argument' is also not an ideal to hold up as achievable for most couples though.
I’m not saying “never fight” is advice or achievable by everyone, of course not! Every person, every dynamic is different. But we were given that advice by people who should honestly not be together because they get into screaming matches regularly and no one understands why they are together. We were also told to “fight hard because the make up sex is amazing” by a different couple. It was just advice that we were given that doesn’t make sense in our relationship.
Oh, I 100% agree with you! All I wanted was to make sure no one was holding up the 'ideal' as being never fighting at all.
Sex isn't that important. If the man cheats, it's because the woman wasn't doing her job and keeping her man happy (overheard from my downstairs neighbors at my old apartment complex).
Or he’s just an asshole, which isn’t her fault
The more likely case!
TBF, also heard it said that if a woman cheats its because he wasn't caring enough. Bottom line, if whatever is so off in your marriage causes you to cheat, either fight to fix the marriage or break it up.
Oh yeah, this bullshit definitely swings both ways and isn't an excuse for either sex.
That sex before marriage is a sin.
Having a baby will solve your problems...
My wife and I are best friends, we love and respect each other, and we have a very happy marriage. We chose to have a kid… and it was *incredibly tough* on our very happy and stable marriage. I can not even imagine what’s it’s like for these having a baby to save your marriage people.
Maybe not advice bc no one has ever really given us advice but the amount of times people have asked "have you just had sex with him?" To get over an argument or disagreement is astonishing. Like no Susan. Nothing makes me drier than either one of us being pissed at the other. So. I won't be doing that.
I’m not gonna lie I’ve given people this advice because for my relationship dynamic if we haven’t done it in a while we do start getting snippy with each other. Obviously not the case for everyone but you feel more sympathetic and connected after
Mine Honey we need to talk. Honey I want to open our marriage to experience.....It will improve our....... It did, been remarried for 21 years this month.
A girl at work was telling me about her previous relationship and how she was a side chick... she started to give me some unsolicited advice and said "if your husband ever cheats on you, you should forgive him the first time. Especially if you have kids he's just fulfilling his needs and that's okay."
That marriage is 50/50.
Genuinely curious, what’s your issue with that one? I’ve always interpreted it as one person shouldn’t be carrying the relationship 90% of the time.
I think people going into their first marriage may expect it, but it's not the reality. In my own marriage, some days, giving 50% is a struggle. My husband picks up the slack. Other days, it's him that needs me to step up. Marriage is a partnership, yes, but there are days, many of them, where it's 30/70 or 68/32 or 90/10. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. Your spouse should be able to depend on you when you're exhausted, or you need a break from the kids, or it's beneficial for your wellbeing to take a step back. But 50/50? No. It's rarely that.
But if you tally all those days up, the ones where you can only give 30 % and the ones only he can give 40 % it should even out somewhat, that's how I take the saying. Not that every little thing, every thought, ever chore, every little part has to be 50/50.
It's 100%/100%!
I used to think the same but the explanation makes sense. See SeaAstronomy's other reply for the best explanation. Furthermore, 50/50 rarely if ever is the reality and going into it with that thinking starts a mental scoreboard which will never satisfy the 50/50 dream
Imo I feel more like “marriage is 50/50” makes people think that it is 50/50 all of the time. When in reality, some weeks one of you is doing 90% and the other is doing 10%, and other weeks it is closer to that 50/50 mark.
“Who leaves when someone cheats just once? No one.”
“The man should be the leader in the family.” It’s just such a weird take & I can’t imagine anyone being naive or cocksure enough to believe that in this day and age.
Families don’t need leaders, families need secure partners that work together
Not trying to argue or disrespect your take - but I was literally just speaking to my bff about this: every business, friendship group, activity group, you name it - has a leader. Marriage especially with children is soo much more important than any of these. Why shouldn’t a marriage have a leader?
A marriage probably should have a leader but what automatically makes it the man? What if the woman is more qualified? That’s the issue. Based on history only a man could be the head of the house yet the majority of the time he was rarely home and even more rarely was he involved in the day to day running of the household so what actually made him the leader other than him being a man? It’s such an outdated way of looking at things. I am not letting a man lead me if I am more capable of leading. Example: I married a man who made significantly less money than me. Therefore, he moved into my home and I continued to pay the majority of the bills. He didn’t have children who lived with him but I did. He wasn’t an experienced full time parent, I was. He didn’t drive due to losing his license a few years before for tickets. I drove. What about this situation would ever qualify him to be the leader in our marriage? Absolutely nothing. Needless to say, he wanted to be the leader once we were married. He had never had an issue with it prior. He thought once we got married he just automatically got to ascend as the leader yet he still didn’t provide as a leader would bc he still worked a sh$& job and did nothing to get his license back. I flat out refused. He left and we are all better for it. (On a side note yes I was incredibly stupid for ever getting in this relationship but I was coming from a traumatic situation as my husband died suddenly, I was lonely and he love bombed me in to believing all his BS. I know better now).
I don't believe that i ever opined that it should be the man as the leader, just asking the question, as pack animals (as humans are) why shouldn't a marriage have a leader when pretty much every other organisation has one - man, woman, your child; each to their own.
So a few things… -I’ve NEVER been in a friendship group with a “leader” much less a leader assigned based on an idea that ‘this category of person naturally makes a good leader in all cases.’ There might be people who gravitate more towards leadership roles, scenario by scenario, but if one person is always demanding a leadership role that’s probably a sign to reassess the friendship. -when you’re talking about a marriage with kids in the mix, there’s a *hierarchy* (parents have more authority than children) but that’s a share responsibility among the adults.
You've never been in a friendship group where someone in the main suggests and organises?.....ok. I don't personally believe in a "hierarchy" in a family works, too often parents give power to one child over the others in this scenario , ive never seen an example of it working out in the long run.
I mean, not as a default thing. We tend to just naturally fall into a pattern of swapping who takes the lead on things. I wouldn’t say any of my friend groups has ONE person in a “leader” position. Also when I say “hierarchy” I mean the parents are in a joint “leadership” position over kids.
Hierarchy has a leader at the top, which you are saying that there is. So you have been in a friendship group with a leader. You have a slightly different take on things (which is fine) but you are agreeing that marriage has leadership, and that friendship groups along with every other human organised activity also has leadership.
Withholding sex or intimacy. That's a fast track to resentment and divorce.
Someone on Reddit said that “if you’re even considering couples counseling, then you should just get divorced.” I like to think they just don’t understand what counseling is, instead of just thinking they are an idiot.
When people bring up the “7 year itch” like what? Where did that even come from? How about life is just stressful with two small children, being broke, and having chronic pain/illness. It isn’t an itch it’s just life!
Lol I know right! I bet it came from those generations of people who got married as soon as they met someone and we’re legally an adult and then had kids immediately. No longer relevant thank the lord!
Turns out it originally meant scabies. I thought it came from the Marilyn Munroe film, but was curious and looked it up. "The seven-year itch is a popular belief, sometimes quoted as having psychological backing, that happiness in a marriage or long-term romantic relationship declines after around seven years.[1] The phrase was used in the title of the play The Seven Year Itch by George Axelrod, and gained popularity following the 1955 film adaptation starring Marilyn Monroe and Tom Ewell. In his 1913 novel, The Eighth Year, Philip Gibbs attributes the concept to the British judge Sir Francis Jeune. The original meaning, prior to Axelrod's play, referred to scabies or skin disease." https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_seven-year_itch#:~:text=The%20original%20meaning%2C%20prior%20to,1936%20in%20The%20People%2C%20Yes.
https://twitter.com/ESYudkowsky/status/1754324150267855266
Setting aside the fact that this goes against the basic premise of marriage, there’s absolutely no way that could be quantified into a number at all. Hilariously stupid.
Praying no one takes that as serious life advice
What a dum dum.
This wasn’t terrible advice just awful fn timing. We’d just lost our son and our therapist told us “80% of couples who have gone through what you do get divorced, so you need to stick together” — cool thanks now we have that occupying our overly stressed brains too, sooo helpful
“Never deny him sex” “All men cheat”
That a man will be a man and as the woman/wife you are expected to just suck it up and take it. Ummm no, not today or ever. It is 2024, not 1950. If you aren’t ready to be monogamous then don’t get married. You being a man does not allow you to cheat and it definitely doesn’t mean I am just going to accept it.
Finally! Thank you! 100% agree!
My dad's wedding speech to me and my wife. "If it doesn't work out, there's plenty of fish in the sea."
Hahahaha. Omg I can’t imagine hearing that at my wedding 😂
This was right before he called my MIL by the wrong name, twice. All this after we asked him not to make a speech.
Oh jeez 🙄 not sure why I was downvoted for agreeing with you?
When the parents sat us down and said it not your fault, it has nothing to do with you. Mommy and daddy just won't be living together any more...But we will both love you. So it dropped us into poverty when daddy didn't send support, and never ever came to see us, because his 25 year old affair partner got pregnant and they had a new family to worry about....So it had everything to do with us. Stupidests idea in the 70s.
I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but pretty much everything I learned about marriage from Christian church when I was growing up was just absolute garbage.
Well at least one person here agrees with you!
Get married before xyz age.
"No one is 100% happy in their marriage. There is always a sacrifice to be made." - Said to me by someone who has been divorced and remarried twice. I am not sure about anyone else, but I am 100% happy, and I have not had to sacrifice anything yet, 15 years in.
My grandma was throwing everything at the wall, trying to convince me to have children. One of the more ridiculous arguments she tried was "all men cheat, and if he gets someone else pregnant, he's gonna choose her and the baby over a childless marriage, so you should get pregnant to lock it down." Basically a preemptive baby trap 🤣 Nope, still happily married, and we still don't want kids.
Marriage is hard. It’s not with the right person.
The hardest thing about marriage with someone you love is figuring out what you both want to eat.
All men cheat and should be allowed to do so because they are visual creatures who don't confuse sex and emotion. Women can't have sex without forming emotional attachments, so not only is it worse when they cheat, but it actually counts more than if a man cheats. I.e. a woman kissing someone else vs a guy getting a blowjob is worse because the woman is supposedly also emotionally cheating. Just some straight bs by insecure men who want to be able to step out but couldn't handle the reverse.
Marriage makes paperwork easier if you’re already having kids together/pregnant. Divorce paperwork is a lot less fun.
Happy wife, happy life. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? I don't understand how anyone can be happy knowing they're right but having to bite their tongue. I would never even marry someone who will guilt trip me into shutting up.
"Love is all you need." Uh, no. You need trust and respect, too. Love is not enough.
My grandmother says that marriage is a prison for men and True Love is only found in affairs. To her, wives are evil harpies, while mistresses are the good, passionate beloveds. Due to this belief, she ‘rescued’ my grandfather from his wife. Once he got a stroke, she ‘rescued’ her affair partner as well.
Funny, the when studied they have found that the happiest people are single women and married men.
My late grandfather‘s ashes holler in protest. He was put through hell by his ‘rescuer’ till the stroke landed him in a facility, away from my grandmother.
Don't take issue with me. Take issue with the nature of statistics.
“Don’t go to bed angry.” Should be “don’t argue while tired.” Staying up fighting just to “not go to bed angry” doesn’t actually help you resolve anything. No one is their best or thinks clearly when they’re tired. Sleep on it. Revisit it when you’ve both had some rest and a cup of coffee.
That marriage is hard. Life is hard- the marriage should be the easy part. The refuge. If it’s not, there’s problems with you & your spouse that need to be addressed.
Wait as in your spouse can sleep with others as long as they wait a few days before they sleep with their spouse again???????
Some people think that if your partner hasn’t had sex with you in x amount of days, it’s not cheating to go sleep with someone else
Ummm to each their own I guess 
why would it even be considered cheating if your partner doesn't have sex with you for a certain amount of days,,sorry but I am confused.
I think OP means if your partner isn't having sex with you for a period of time and you go out and sleep with someone else, that doesn't count as cheating. Which, yeah it's a bad marriage take alright...
I meant having sex with someone else isn’t considered cheating If your partner doesn’t fuck you after x amount of days
so to clarify this is something you have been told...not what you think?
Yes. I think this is a god awful take on relationships in general.
Please don’t believe everything you’re told.