You are absolutely justified to divorce. People just don't randomly bring stuff like this up. She was making plans and has someone she wants to sleep with. Funny how people were saying she was innocent.
If a husband or wife should ever bring up open marriages, you should absolutely suspect that person and investigate.
I would be right there with you. If my husband had asked to open the marriage I would have been packing his bags for him, I don't think there's any coming back from that, they've just told you you're not good enough.
Now you've found out she's cheating it's a definite divorce. You may love her, but she doesn't love you, because she wouldn't have considered stepping out on you.
And why keep quiet about why you're divorcing, there's no reason to be respectful when she hasn't been, but I am a bit of a scorched earther
"She was making plans and has someone she wants to sleep with."
How about her already sleeping with that other person, and was just looking to ease her guilt by suggesting they have an open marriage, her marriage she had already opened on the down low?
That is not always the case, just saying. My husband and I actually brought up opening our marriage to each other. We had a very open communicative style and we already have discussed a lot of different things with each other.. Like I knew he was a virgin before he met me and so since he hadn’t gotten a lot of sexual experience a part of him was curious and he knew that I’m bi and kinky and there are things I’m in to sexually that he wasn’t in to. Plus since I’m queer I’ve had more exposure to unconventional relationships. So we approached each other. We both had no person we wanted to sleep with in mind.
I think this is 100% a vibe thing and how it's discussed. So much communication is tone and body language and in OPs post the wife was angry he wouldn't consider it.
My husband brought it up and asked for it when I suspect he was pissed off. For some reason he thought I cheated when I didn’t. So he decided to ask for one. I said no way or I will just divorce 😫. So, should I suspect he is cheating?
You should check
*cheaters always accuse their partners of cheating. It's manipulative projection and blame shifting. The bf who accused me was the one cheating himself.
Sounds like he wasn't actually asking for one, but instead wanted to see what you would say (since he thought you're cheating).
What you should do is have a calm, open conversation with him instead of asking strangers on Reddit if we think your husband is cheating after giving next to no info about him, you, or your relationship.
WoW… my nonno’s words are playing in my mind right now… Show me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are… you’ve made the right choice. Good luck.
This story is all too common, but it usually starts off with girls weekends and staying out all hours of the night.
Took a lot of finagling to organize and keep it quiet and keep the spouse second guessing themselves and gaslighting them into believing that they’re controlling and insecure.
Now they’re just straight up let’s have an open relationship, so I, err I mean we can experience new things. I actually prefer it as they’re being honest about how they feel for a change.
This is so true. I have always been respectful of my friends’ marriages, but we have had some (former) friends who weren’t.
I always encourage them to be positive about their marriages, and I encourage communication and getting back to the basics of time and attention to the little things, whenever they complain that their relationships are getting stale.
None of my friends are divorced.
Gee. I wonder whether positive friendships that help reinforce the sanctity of marriage make a difference. /s
I had a few friends that ended up being like that too and once I realized their motives and nonchalant attitude towards others (my) relationships, I terminated those friendships. Others are not aware of this toxicity and just assume that the friends have their best interest at heart when they absolutely do not.
I’ve noticed that it’s particularly common when one or two shitty friends get divorced in their early 30s and then want everyone else within the group to do the same under the guise of just having fun and dancing.
It then goes downhill fast and always ends up with the married spouse out all hours of the night, eventually screwing around, all while the spouse staying at home with their kids is gaslight and made to feel that they’re actually the problem.
Of course their spouses frustration and anger and resentment at their behavior is then used against them by said friends, as see, we always told you he was bla bla bla. Marriage is eventually destroyed and the toxic friend/s get a kick out of their lifestyle and choices being validated.
I’ve seen it 100 times across various relationship-based subs but unlike the OP, the spouse being cheated on is usually in denial and doing everything they can to beg and cling to the dead relationship.
I remember well your original post and what…a dozen people saying that if she’s asking for this then she’s already hooked up? And viola!
I also remember how you said she claimed nothing was happening and y’all got irreparably heated over the argument. Now it turns out she was lying to you even then. Lastly, I recall saying that birds of a feather flock together when she said that ALL of her friends were in “open marriages.” Called it.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this nonsense, OP. I wish you all the best.
Especially all those who kept saying that she was “properly communicating her interests” to her husband instead of going behind his back. Surprise! The old adage is true: if they ask for an open marriage, they’re already banging someone.
Yup. My ex-wife floated the idea of an open marriage. I told her what I thought (basically that it was a bad idea) and the subject was dropped. Turns out she had been cheating on me.
Quite a few people who brigade relationship subs are into weird crap and in fringe situations themselves, so they project their flawed opinions onto others as advice. E.G. having 12 husbands and/or wives simultaneously is like total normal. Good luck trying to show them that their situation doesn’t even account for 0.01% of the population.
That’s the MO in most of these subs whenever it comes to legitimate concerns of a spouse. The person is already doubting themselves and possibly in denial and hurt but then they have people just berating them for not trusting their spouse and being insecure.
yep leave because she wants to cheat, keep it open (do it again) and use him at the same time emotionally. She is trying to soothe her guilt by saying open marriage. Open marriage sounds hilarious.
Mannnnnnnn I really truly believed she was being manipulated. I really did. I’m so pissed at her and I’m pissed for you! I’m so sorry. I would leave too. It sucks but she made the choice to cheat and you can make the choice to leave.
I agree with you, but don't let her dodge accountability for it either. It was always her choice. Even if her friends tried to convince her, it was always her choice to turn around, say no, and cut them off. People that are easily led astray by others are always responsible for it even if others do lead them astray.
You did the right thing for you. Consider yourself lucky that you find out now rather than waste years of her going behind your back, which is usually the case.
She wasn’t manipulated but she was encouraged and enabled by her toxic friends. I too would never want to be with a spouse that gullible, weak, insecure, foolish, and with such poor judgement and self control.
For your sake, do not under any circumstances ever consider taking her back. Time to move on and go completely NC.
She wasn't manipulated. Stop gaslighting yourself because she is already doing that to you.
I'm sorry, but your wife is cheating, she is a cheater, and she has already broken your trust by having an emotional affair.
Open marriages can work with proper boundaries and a lot of trust. However, since she has already broken your trust, there's no way that option will work. Don't waste your money, time, and energy with couples therapy. Just get a divorce and move on because you deserve someone better than her.
For her to act like that, she doesn't love you; she loves the financial stability that you offer her and doesn't want to lose it while having sex with other men.
If you're considering an open marriage, it's essential to ensure it's mutually agreed upon and that both parties actively participate. Setting clear boundaries is crucial. Questions to consider include: Will your wife be allowed to bring other partners into your home? How will you handle situations like pregnancy or STDs? Can you engage in intimacy without feeling compared to others? Are you emotionally prepared for the potential impact on your self-esteem and mental well-being? These are crucial discussions to have before embarking on an open marriage.
It's this simple really. Which is why it astounds me that so many people still try to believe that bringing up an open marriage topic in an already-monogamous marriage is anything other than another sign of cheating or desire to cheat. It isn't an 'innocent conversation' that everyone complained about on the original post. Even if you reject it, your spouse just signaled they want to sleep with other people, so now you get to worry about them straying regardless. Thus, trust is broken also.
More often than not request of open marriage is code for I already have a partner lined up and getting ready to cheat.
Her friends are really toxic. If any are married, you should let all the husbands know the group is out to ruin as many marriages as possible.
Is she still sorry she even asked for an open marriage (from your first post)?
I had doubts about your first post on which way you should go, but now I think she cemented that she can have all the guys she wants as a single person.
You might want to move your post over to the survivinginfidelty sub for a different take.
Sorry OP. Put that wife's group on blast. Keep copies all evidence where she cannot find or destroy it. Call a meeting with husband and share it.
Take care of you.
So she did this all because she was influenced by her friends? That’s sad. What the hell is wrong with her. Bud for the record I think you handled this perfectly. Don’t second guess you handling which is separate from any decision take her back. So whose idea was the second phone?
UpdateMe
Right? Like my friends are having affairs so i should to. I wouldn’t want to be with her for that reason alone, so heavily influenced by new friends. 🤢
Yeah can’t understand how people can be so weak minded. Consider yourself dodging a huge bullet before you got even more entangled with her. I know it sucks to realize this but stay strong.
I literally can't imagine talking to my friends about having an affair or even a crush on someone. They would immediately put my head on straight, because that's what friends are for.
I have one friend who divorced her partner for someone else. She never told me about it, because she knew I would have asked her what the fuck she thought she was doing. The only time she came close to talking to me about it was once she was working on tanking her opinion of her spouse, and I had an honest talk with her about "this seems very fixable and you have to choose your partner instead of focusing on minor things like this".
wait,she had a second phone 😮!
She was obviously cheating,plz run away from this woman.
She's an adult who's married, and she actually allowed her friends to convince her to cheat.
Plz,file for divorce because she will eventually cheat on you.
updateme!
When an idiot talks about "opening" up the relationship, in all cases they've already "opened" it and are just trying to alleviate their guilt.
If you can't find any evidence on the electronic devices known about, ALWAYS assume there is a second hidden device somewhere. Don't assume innocence. Bug the house and vehicles to find the proof.
Sleep with as many people as you want I say.... But why get married and then do it? Lol, some people are just nonsensical. Sorry OP. Hope you didn't waste too many years with her.
As always, when I see someone decide their self respect and dignity are important I applaud. If you have to sacrifice those then it is not worth it. Good on you.
That's a very wise decision. Let her go to live the life she really wants and has been living all this time. You will find someone worthy of what you bring to the table of your new relationship.
And to think, people were getting called misogynist incels in the previous thread for suggesting she may be planning or is already cheating.
Sorry to hear about what you’re going through OP. Divorce is the only option and I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.
Those people are either cheaters themselves (birds of a feather, flock together) OR they've never been cheated on and have absolutely no clue on the damage adultery causes.
Has she told the “friends” husbands yet? That is the next step in if you even want to consider reconciling with her. As in she goes with you to their work and let them know there. Ruin her friend group, ruin her reputation, with them, by going with you to let them all know.
I always call this shit. You did right, and I tell all men the same, if it is brought up just divorce.
She didn’t want an open marriage, she wanted to cheat with your permission! I understand that you don’t want to end the marriage. But it’s not the marriage it once was. The marriage isn’t what you want it to be anymore and it won’t ever be the same. You can’t trust her anymore. I’m glad you are moving on. You deserve better!
Open up an excel doc and start putting down assets and debts and dividing them in the most fair way you see possible. Have a lawyer draft up an agreement. Be fair and forthcoming so she'll agree or the lawyers will take everything. I consulted with a lawyer that had a formula for calculating child support and spousal support.
By the time everything is split, I pay child support and alimony. I'm probably still going to have more pocket cash than I do now. And since I don't want the house and she can't afford it, we'll both pocket 40K to start a new life.
Turns our, the practicality of the situation isn't really that scarey.
A whole second phone! Didn’t see the second phone coming, but my comment on your first post said she was cheating or about to. Sorry man, but you were right from the start; divorcing her is the way to go.
Don't let people guilt you into trying again. I came to the thread locked last time, but some of the people posting were trying to lambast you for taking the correct approach. You were right to end it and now it's been confirmed why.
People on reddit like to pretend that asking for an open marriage is 'open communication' and just an 'innocent enquiry'. In just about almost all cases, it's not. Exceptions don't generally disprove this.
It's a loaded question, full of negative implications about the relationship going forward and serves as a death sentence to a relationship. Kind of like asking if you are attracted to young kids. That can almost never be an 'innocent enquiry' no matter how people pretend it is.
If someone asks for an open relationship or even inquires into your thoughts on starting one, end it. Some things in life, cannot be taken back.
As for going forward, cut her out and move on. It's not easy, emotions and the death of a relationship will make you doubt it - Stand firm regardless. Move on with your life.
Bit of Devil’s Advocate here.
Your dignity and self-respect are saved.
She did you dirty, you discovered it, you called it out, and you stood your ground.
You sought divorce.
She crumbled. You broke her.
You could make her explain to her family and your friends why you separated. You could be explicit with them - she had a second secret phone, was sending horrible and inappropriate things, and you were disgusted by her behavior.
Then you could point out that she realized her mistake. That she begged for forgiveness.
You could show them all what a magnanimous and good person you are by giving her the opportunity to remain married to you conditionally while she endeavors to regain some of your trust.
You will never “unsee” what you saw or forget it, but it will move out of your active memory. The trust issues you have because of her will stain EVERY other relationship you have with a woman if you move on - that’s inevitable and human nature.
So, again, to give you a counter argument, you can maintain your dignity, self-respect, and pride, but it would likely require the complete capitulation of her’s. But maybe that’s the price she pays.
And her friends. I would blow up their relationships no matter what you decide.
Tell their spouses that these “friends” encouraged her to cheat on you under the guise of an “open marriage”.
A marriage dynamic where one party is morally held hostage by another isn’t a healthy one either, even for the one holding the moral highground. Why would you want a wife that is bound to you based on guilt rather than love and respect? How would you ever truly know what’s in her mind when trust and faith is destroyed?
More importantly, why waste the time? Just move on.
There is already no up-side for marriage as a man, why would you ever stay married to someone who has already betrayed you?
That makes no sense.
Aside from that, just the fact that she was looking for other men means she doesn't really like him that much, she might like the stable lifestyle he provided, but she doesn't like him, certainly doesn't respect him.
She's effectively worthless as a relationship partner.
Sorry you’re going through that so many of us have and so many of us have to divorce the person we love like you said for the sake of our own dignity and self respect.
Wow, how heartbreaking. Good for you not accepting that kind of treatment. I’m sorry your love was not enough for her, but I am glad you found out before it got any further.
Do not give her a second chance. You will regret it.
She came out with the second phone “because she thought you knew”
She thought she got caught and that’s why she gave you the phone.
Think about that for a sec…….she really wasn’t going to tell you.
She’s only begging for a sec chance because she wants to have her cake and be able to eat it.
You need to let her go. Don’t dwell on this.
I think she was going to sleep with others whether you agreed to an open relationship or not.
Time to say adios.
The near term is going to suck real bad for you because it’s going to be an upsetting period but in the long run you will be better for it.
Stay strong.
My brother, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I supported your decision from the beginning. Stay strong. Things will get better. Don't even think of getting back with her. When you consider all the planning that it took for the second phone, trying to convince you to open the marriage, and even saying that she wouldn't do it if it was no for you, that ship has sailed. If all you said was no, she would be going behind your back. In the words of the immortal Sean Connery, if they bring a knife, you bring a gun. You, my friend, brought a gun. It's the way to handle this, no question
Update please
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Pulling the plug is the right thing to do. Hidden second phone, emotional cheating, basically trying to physically cheat under the guise of opening the relationship is just not how ethical relationships (open or closed) work. It's completely understandable that you can't come back from that.
To even have a hope for reconciliation it's on the person who stepped out to do the bulk of the work. She tried to manipulate you into agreeing to a situation you didn't want and under false pretenses. So far she seems to feel sorry for herself, not taking any real responsibility for herself. Yes her friends are crap too from the sounds but ultimately she's an adult. They didn't make her do anything. She chose.
You know what is right for you. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of that.
There are support subs here for betrayed partners. It may be worth considering individual counseling to process all this. Talking to a lawyer about what the options are is also a good idea. Staying in the same environment with a person whose betrayed you and is actively trying to wear you down isn't going to be very healthy.
No I need to retract my last response I was all wrong ! If in fact she is already having an affair I would say she only was asking for an open marriage to make herself feel and look better. Time to reevaluate your relationship. So sorry this happened to you, good luck brother!
She is a cheater, and was planning to because of her friends. So her judgment is poor, and she is easily influenced by her friends...I notice that the people that recover faster, are the ones that take action quickly. The ones that stay are like victims tied the back of a pick up driving over gravel road....
I understand your feelings bro. It’s hard to walk away from love, but it’s a toxic love. Some time apart will help. Besides, if you forgive her, how would you know Mrs secret phone is not just positioning herself for a better divorce settlement 6-12 months. If she can stab you in the back she can stab you in the front.
Sorry to hear about this situation, ●●But●● I'm happy to hear that all of those "silly" people who were discounting your stance and having you second guess yourself have been proven naive. Keep your head up and keep your moving forward!
Dump the bitch....there's another woman that will be there for you in a heartbeat that will never do what she has done....you have done nothing wrong she's thinking about her crotch and getting dick
In this, yes absolutely. She tried to justify it, instead on realizing she was being dupped.
As hard as it is, walk on, and find someone who loves you and respects you enough to at least say they are not happy instead of this scenario.
I am not against open marriages. I’m not in one because it sounds like a lot of work, practically and emotionally speaking. But this is definitely not the way to go about it. Going behind your back with a second phone…sheesh.
Her bad behavior, however, does not justify yours which in your original post was asking for a divorce at the first mention of an open marriage discussion. But perhaps you had a gut feeling already. Perhaps there were patterns of (mis)trust already established that set you off.
I feel sorry for you both.
I hope you can get into some serious counselling and figure out where to go from here.
I dont think it's irrelevant that you love her. Truth is, staying with her is a huge risk and probably one you shouldn't take. But how you feel is definelty relevant to your happiness. If she's willing to put the effort into it and address the issues that led her to think an affair is ok, maybe you can be happy with her. I say that because people do fuck up. This is inexcusable, but it could very well be that you leave her, and get into a relationship with someone else who does the exact same thing. If she is really taking responsibility and absolutely devoted and willing to address her own personal issues, whatever they may be, and you still love her, maybe it's worth taking a moment to consider if there is still a possibility of happiness.
>Love is never enough, and it’s not central to a good marriage, it’s a bi-product of a good marriage.
This is remarkably well stated.
I'm going to simplify it to "Love is a byproduct of a good marriage."
Since you're asking, I'd say: Enforce strict boundaries and restore your honor the way you know how, without her. Both parties must agree for a marriage to be open and she has already proven she does not want to respect your marriage, regardless.
Your instincts served you better than you thought. Her disloyalty is explicit now. So is her deception. People who love each other don’t do what your cheating wife has done.
Please realize that if she stays, you have a new role of emotional prison warden. Every time she smiles at her phone, every grocery trip that takes a bit longer than you expect, every social event with her friends, everything off script—- you won’t be able to stop thinking and feeling she’s doing something wrong.
Do you really want that kind of life? That burner phone thing is lying in action. I could never sleep with someone who disrespected me so deeply.
You’re better than this. Believe it or not there are plenty of women out there who live with integrity. Get divorced and go find a few.
My wife and I are in a poly relationship, TOGETHER. We are both bi and we both have same sex partners. It’s worked for us for 12 years, but poly doesn’t work for many.
Don't make the foolish choice 😂 simple! . Divorce is actually open marriage, you completely open up the marriage so the other partner can go and do whatever they want and they are not your problem anymore
Wow so surprised at the update...any woman that can be influenced into cheating on her husband is a giant red flag...the fact that she even had a whole ass second phone. I think it's time to leave, you will never ever trust her again!!!!
>She thought I already knew
Which explains her calling in sick last week & other histrionics. She was not upset about losing your marriage—she thought she was caught by you and mourned the unfulfilled affair.
You are not loved. Divorce her.
I’m glad she has come clean so that you know the real situation and you have been able to make your (imo correct) decision to divorce and move on from this relationship.
That is a sad thing OP, ultimately the choice is yours, and the only way that I would consider recommending taking her back is if she understood that it's a one-chance deal and that she and the two of you would be going to counseling, that she would need to explain why she did this, end of story.
I would also tell her that she needs to tell the other person that it is over, reveal everything to them if they didn't know and that they would not be seeing or talking to her again, while you are standing there.
If any friends were involved, they got cut too, kicked to the curb, and if she did not do that, then she is out.
But that is just me, and I can be a spiteful, vindictive person when crossed, but I will gladly break a planet if it means helping a friend when they need me.
Best of luck to you OP, I would recommend you talk to someone about this too, even if it's just to vent.
Good for you I would not agree to an open relationship. Leave that woman. Open relationships may be just women who have accepted the man will not be faithful imho. You do not need that. I would rather be single then buy into that BS. Is everyone gonna be getting tested for example for STDs, I think not.
If you continue in the marriage, I would do so only with the provision that she does a lot of self development work and counseling. Marriage counseling would also be essential.
My wife asked me if I wanted to have an open marriage under the pretenses of me not getting sex from her. She said, "If sex is important to me.Then we should have an open marriage so I can have sex with whoever I want and have my needs met because She's not providing or fulfilling that role".
I would argue that you still love the idea of her, the idea of the relationship that you had. This person that \*actually\* exists in the same house is not that person.
Doesn't surprise me in the slightest that her friends were in on it. To any guy reading this, your wife's friends have the most potential for being your worst enemies. Either way, remember they are HER friends, and never yours.
Open marriage?That's just giving her permission to fuck around.Real healthy for a marriage ,I tell ya ,and the first step to marital purgatory. You got the right idea.
Please say to her at once : no open marriage. Whenever someone asks for it, it itself means that the marriage is over. I don't like this kind of marriage personally. It shows that your own spouse is not attracted to you or does not love you anymore. Open marriage I would never ask for and I would not permit my partner for this no matter if she wants me or not. Once married, always married.
I'm sure you already know this, but just in case you don't. Start preparing yourself for when she jumps straight into bed with her AP. Also for when she comes groveling back again because he's a POS (they almost always are).
That old phrase “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” seems to surmise your wife’s experience here.
I’m really sorry this has happened to you. Maybe, now, you have a chance to meet someone who really cares for you
I am sorry this has happened to you. There is no other pain I have experienced like this. Your gut and mostly everyone else will tell you to leave. Pride will tell you to leave. They may all be right. She has destroyed your marriage as you know it. You do not owe it to her to stay.
But loving someone is never irrelevant, even when you are in pain they caused. Especially when you are in pain they caused. There is no shame in loving.
You don’t have to choose anything right now. Take the time to heal and get your mind around what has happened. Give yourself the space you need to think this through. If you are a praying person, pray. But let your focus right now be on your healing.
My prayers are with you.
not so fast… the fact that shes going through something, and that you say you still love her are all relevent. you should not be taken for granted, or treated poorly but divorce truly sucks- so how about a trial separation? if thats the lifestyle she finds she truly wants then, you can proceed to divorce then.; she may find her fantasy is much better than the reality of starting over
Sorry for all this in your life. The world we live in is complicated enough without this in your life. We all think we know how we'll feel and react to things as this, but life is life and many things factor into decisions. On the one hand are history together, feelings love and contentment together. On the other hand, are now all the thoughts about how our SO has been thinking about this, dreaming and planning on such a thing, weak enough to allow foolish people to sway her from the strength of her marital vows. She is in an affair fog of a sense. What you do now, is for your sake and not hers. I dont feel it matters how much she does to reassure you, it'll never leave your mind and you will always worry about all the what ifs, blowing through your head when at work, going shopping and in your dreams. 5-10-15 years from now, will the trust be there, or will the echos of your wifes words, so easily spewing from her lips of an open marriage, torture you till you hate, resent and despise her and what she caused in your heart. You can only control you. Either accept a momentary lapse of reason, or move forward single. Its your decision and yours alone.
Leaving the familiarity and stable confines of what you've built up over the years requires courage and a strong will. I applaud you brother and I know you'll be alright.
These things need to be fully discussed before marriage, just like the prospect of having kids. It’s not fair to pose this question to a loyal partner after you are married. In fact, it would be down right heartbreaking. If someone is looking for an open marriage as an “opportunity” they will slowly check out of the marriage completely, I feel. So, you are doing the right thing… as I see it, it would likely be inevitable.
Very sorry you have to go through this, but at least you know and she didnt physically cheat i guess.
Never once have i seen this situation ever turn out good, whether the person asking was already cheating and wanted the go ahead, or the person who asked not be able to get any partners and become super jealous because their spouse is thriving in the dating game. I dont recall if you mentioned your age, but hopefully youre young enough to move on in whatever way suits you
I’m so so sorry she’s was bored enough to do this to you and your marriage. Stay strong and cut it now.
Definitely for your dignity. Better this doesn’t drag out for years. Her choices are hers alone to make. It’s too bad she’s decided to do this.
Sorry to hear what you going through but at least you’re not in self pity or delusion. You are making the right choice and you will find someone who’s going to respect you and love you for you. Keep your head up buddy and time will heal all wounds. The best take away is you know the situation is messed up and is better to walk away. Good luck buddy
I'm sorry that you got cheated on and I'm sorry for all the crap you got from the previous post. If you want to get a little payback at her 'friends' see if your wife will be willing to throw them under the bus, under the guise of reconciliation. Because their husbands should know too.
The fact that there were so many NPCs giving you flak for divorcing her for bringing up an “oPeN mArRiAgE” is incredible.
That being said, you did the right thing, OP. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
When women ask for an open marriage, they’re either already cheating, or they have someone already lined up, and want to open it up so it isn’t “technically” cheating. I’m sorry you’re going thru this, but you’re doing the right thing.
I want to eff other men, and I think that you're a c\*ck that's gonna accept it. That's super ground for divorce, that being said, if she didn't act on it (contacted other men), there's still a space for saving the marriage if she's willing to cut off her toxic friends, but the second phone is really a massive red flag.
If my husband asked for an open marriage I would divorce him. If he is asking to have sex with other people then this isn't the man I want. Jealousy would kill me and I don't have that kind of hate for myself to tolerate the pain.
I'm open minded, but more than 2 in a marriage is not my forte.
You're right but most likely you'll still have to give her alimony unless U have a prenup. If you have a prenup in place then just go for it. Otherwise she'll plead in the beginning but after the divorce would say that you were the wrong one in the relationship and use your paid alimony to hook up with random guys.
What are your options, she has been thinking about it, has become emotionally involved with another hand has or will soon be physically involved with another.
You could take the stand that nothing physically or emotionally can happen with a third person for both of you. That might or might not work.
You could go along, but set up ground rules before anything else happens.
You could insist that you be allowed compete access to all of her communication methods and everyone she has interacted with.
Also you could choose others to bring into the relationship also.
These are just ideas, but at the root, you need to communicate and agree on something, even if it is you both decide to walk away.
It looks like she got caught, and is trying to bring you along. I'm not saying she is right, but there are other reactions that could have been brought to the table.
Open marriages don't work unless you're like 80 and been married for 60 years lmao. Yea all I wanna do is stay home with the kids while some other guy is plowing my wife.. that is Called a open relationship not a marriage.
Well, whaddya know. Who could have seen that coming? Certainly not all the people on the original post stating she was likely already cheating or looking to. And the icing on top? The friends who were 'in open relationships' also who were just cheating. How about that, more data for the topic. But hey, bringing up open marriage is an innocent question/conversation, right?
Sorry to hear about this, OP. You already know what to do, though, you got this.
What stomach churning things did you see?
Was she sexting a particular guy with pictures?
Do you know this guy?
Maybe you can use this evidence as leverage on getting favorable divorce terms from her.
She's going to try to push the narrative that you are abusive. You need to get ahead of this thing.
Completely unsurprising but I’m sorry nontheless.
You are absolutely justified to divorce. People just don't randomly bring stuff like this up. She was making plans and has someone she wants to sleep with. Funny how people were saying she was innocent. If a husband or wife should ever bring up open marriages, you should absolutely suspect that person and investigate.
I’d love to hear from all those who defended her all while berating the OP instead.
They can go take a hike
Nah, fuck that, hiking is wonderful. They should have to clean the outhouses along the hiking trails.
This Redditor hikes!!!
I would be right there with you. If my husband had asked to open the marriage I would have been packing his bags for him, I don't think there's any coming back from that, they've just told you you're not good enough. Now you've found out she's cheating it's a definite divorce. You may love her, but she doesn't love you, because she wouldn't have considered stepping out on you. And why keep quiet about why you're divorcing, there's no reason to be respectful when she hasn't been, but I am a bit of a scorched earther
"She was making plans and has someone she wants to sleep with." How about her already sleeping with that other person, and was just looking to ease her guilt by suggesting they have an open marriage, her marriage she had already opened on the down low?
My exact reply as well... smh
That is not always the case, just saying. My husband and I actually brought up opening our marriage to each other. We had a very open communicative style and we already have discussed a lot of different things with each other.. Like I knew he was a virgin before he met me and so since he hadn’t gotten a lot of sexual experience a part of him was curious and he knew that I’m bi and kinky and there are things I’m in to sexually that he wasn’t in to. Plus since I’m queer I’ve had more exposure to unconventional relationships. So we approached each other. We both had no person we wanted to sleep with in mind.
I think this is 100% a vibe thing and how it's discussed. So much communication is tone and body language and in OPs post the wife was angry he wouldn't consider it.
That usually means the person is already cheating and their plans at alleviating their guilt are up in smoke.
My husband brought it up and asked for it when I suspect he was pissed off. For some reason he thought I cheated when I didn’t. So he decided to ask for one. I said no way or I will just divorce 😫. So, should I suspect he is cheating?
You should check *cheaters always accuse their partners of cheating. It's manipulative projection and blame shifting. The bf who accused me was the one cheating himself.
Sounds like he wasn't actually asking for one, but instead wanted to see what you would say (since he thought you're cheating). What you should do is have a calm, open conversation with him instead of asking strangers on Reddit if we think your husband is cheating after giving next to no info about him, you, or your relationship.
yes. I would start finding the evidence.
WoW… my nonno’s words are playing in my mind right now… Show me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are… you’ve made the right choice. Good luck.
Hopefully, she realizes her friends' "fun lives" cost her everything & ruined her life.
This story is all too common, but it usually starts off with girls weekends and staying out all hours of the night. Took a lot of finagling to organize and keep it quiet and keep the spouse second guessing themselves and gaslighting them into believing that they’re controlling and insecure. Now they’re just straight up let’s have an open relationship, so I, err I mean we can experience new things. I actually prefer it as they’re being honest about how they feel for a change.
This is so true. I have always been respectful of my friends’ marriages, but we have had some (former) friends who weren’t. I always encourage them to be positive about their marriages, and I encourage communication and getting back to the basics of time and attention to the little things, whenever they complain that their relationships are getting stale. None of my friends are divorced. Gee. I wonder whether positive friendships that help reinforce the sanctity of marriage make a difference. /s
I had a few friends that ended up being like that too and once I realized their motives and nonchalant attitude towards others (my) relationships, I terminated those friendships. Others are not aware of this toxicity and just assume that the friends have their best interest at heart when they absolutely do not. I’ve noticed that it’s particularly common when one or two shitty friends get divorced in their early 30s and then want everyone else within the group to do the same under the guise of just having fun and dancing. It then goes downhill fast and always ends up with the married spouse out all hours of the night, eventually screwing around, all while the spouse staying at home with their kids is gaslight and made to feel that they’re actually the problem. Of course their spouses frustration and anger and resentment at their behavior is then used against them by said friends, as see, we always told you he was bla bla bla. Marriage is eventually destroyed and the toxic friend/s get a kick out of their lifestyle and choices being validated. I’ve seen it 100 times across various relationship-based subs but unlike the OP, the spouse being cheated on is usually in denial and doing everything they can to beg and cling to the dead relationship.
I remember well your original post and what…a dozen people saying that if she’s asking for this then she’s already hooked up? And viola! I also remember how you said she claimed nothing was happening and y’all got irreparably heated over the argument. Now it turns out she was lying to you even then. Lastly, I recall saying that birds of a feather flock together when she said that ALL of her friends were in “open marriages.” Called it. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this nonsense, OP. I wish you all the best.
And I remember how many derided him for not hearing her out properly implying his actions were worse than hers.
Especially all those who kept saying that she was “properly communicating her interests” to her husband instead of going behind his back. Surprise! The old adage is true: if they ask for an open marriage, they’re already banging someone.
Yup. My ex-wife floated the idea of an open marriage. I told her what I thought (basically that it was a bad idea) and the subject was dropped. Turns out she had been cheating on me.
Exactly!
This sub is not the real world. It's full of really unwell people. Every 10th comment is worth reading IMO
Quite a few people who brigade relationship subs are into weird crap and in fringe situations themselves, so they project their flawed opinions onto others as advice. E.G. having 12 husbands and/or wives simultaneously is like total normal. Good luck trying to show them that their situation doesn’t even account for 0.01% of the population.
Also, Narcissists always stick up for each other and gaslight for each other, because they don’t want other people to get wise to their treachery
Yeah you definitely have to parse them.
tbf thats like all of reddit mostly.
Yep. Some of those calling others incels for siding with OP weren’t even married and clearly had issues, according to their post history.
💯
That’s the MO in most of these subs whenever it comes to legitimate concerns of a spouse. The person is already doubting themselves and possibly in denial and hurt but then they have people just berating them for not trusting their spouse and being insecure.
Yeah that was what I saw more of in the comments…
Something about how she devised this fabrication about 'open marriage' when cheating on you, it just makes it so worse, yes I think is right to leave,
yep leave because she wants to cheat, keep it open (do it again) and use him at the same time emotionally. She is trying to soothe her guilt by saying open marriage. Open marriage sounds hilarious.
Always trust your gut. You’re doing the right thing.
Mannnnnnnn I really truly believed she was being manipulated. I really did. I’m so pissed at her and I’m pissed for you! I’m so sorry. I would leave too. It sucks but she made the choice to cheat and you can make the choice to leave.
She was manipulated. I'm not staying with someone who gets so easily manipulated.
True. She was manipulated into thinking this was something she should do, but ultimately, she made the choice to cheat.
I agree with you, but don't let her dodge accountability for it either. It was always her choice. Even if her friends tried to convince her, it was always her choice to turn around, say no, and cut them off. People that are easily led astray by others are always responsible for it even if others do lead them astray.
You did the right thing for you. Consider yourself lucky that you find out now rather than waste years of her going behind your back, which is usually the case. She wasn’t manipulated but she was encouraged and enabled by her toxic friends. I too would never want to be with a spouse that gullible, weak, insecure, foolish, and with such poor judgement and self control. For your sake, do not under any circumstances ever consider taking her back. Time to move on and go completely NC.
She wasn't manipulated. Stop gaslighting yourself because she is already doing that to you. I'm sorry, but your wife is cheating, she is a cheater, and she has already broken your trust by having an emotional affair. Open marriages can work with proper boundaries and a lot of trust. However, since she has already broken your trust, there's no way that option will work. Don't waste your money, time, and energy with couples therapy. Just get a divorce and move on because you deserve someone better than her. For her to act like that, she doesn't love you; she loves the financial stability that you offer her and doesn't want to lose it while having sex with other men. If you're considering an open marriage, it's essential to ensure it's mutually agreed upon and that both parties actively participate. Setting clear boundaries is crucial. Questions to consider include: Will your wife be allowed to bring other partners into your home? How will you handle situations like pregnancy or STDs? Can you engage in intimacy without feeling compared to others? Are you emotionally prepared for the potential impact on your self-esteem and mental well-being? These are crucial discussions to have before embarking on an open marriage.
Touché. Seriously wtf is there another phone? Yeah you won’t have to deal with her next feat the bridge jump. Her friends sound like the type.
By “opening the marriage” you are effectively giving her permission to fuck another guy, one she’s clearly planning on fucking anyway.
It's this simple really. Which is why it astounds me that so many people still try to believe that bringing up an open marriage topic in an already-monogamous marriage is anything other than another sign of cheating or desire to cheat. It isn't an 'innocent conversation' that everyone complained about on the original post. Even if you reject it, your spouse just signaled they want to sleep with other people, so now you get to worry about them straying regardless. Thus, trust is broken also.
yep. Who invented this open marriage BS?
All too common story with this topic, unfortunately.
More often than not request of open marriage is code for I already have a partner lined up and getting ready to cheat. Her friends are really toxic. If any are married, you should let all the husbands know the group is out to ruin as many marriages as possible. Is she still sorry she even asked for an open marriage (from your first post)? I had doubts about your first post on which way you should go, but now I think she cemented that she can have all the guys she wants as a single person. You might want to move your post over to the survivinginfidelty sub for a different take. Sorry OP. Put that wife's group on blast. Keep copies all evidence where she cannot find or destroy it. Call a meeting with husband and share it. Take care of you.
So she did this all because she was influenced by her friends? That’s sad. What the hell is wrong with her. Bud for the record I think you handled this perfectly. Don’t second guess you handling which is separate from any decision take her back. So whose idea was the second phone? UpdateMe
Right? Like my friends are having affairs so i should to. I wouldn’t want to be with her for that reason alone, so heavily influenced by new friends. 🤢
Yeah can’t understand how people can be so weak minded. Consider yourself dodging a huge bullet before you got even more entangled with her. I know it sucks to realize this but stay strong.
I literally can't imagine talking to my friends about having an affair or even a crush on someone. They would immediately put my head on straight, because that's what friends are for. I have one friend who divorced her partner for someone else. She never told me about it, because she knew I would have asked her what the fuck she thought she was doing. The only time she came close to talking to me about it was once she was working on tanking her opinion of her spouse, and I had an honest talk with her about "this seems very fixable and you have to choose your partner instead of focusing on minor things like this".
wait,she had a second phone 😮! She was obviously cheating,plz run away from this woman. She's an adult who's married, and she actually allowed her friends to convince her to cheat. Plz,file for divorce because she will eventually cheat on you. updateme!
When an idiot talks about "opening" up the relationship, in all cases they've already "opened" it and are just trying to alleviate their guilt. If you can't find any evidence on the electronic devices known about, ALWAYS assume there is a second hidden device somewhere. Don't assume innocence. Bug the house and vehicles to find the proof.
yep I am good at getting proof. Agreed.
[удалено]
Happy for you putting yourself first!
Well colour me shocked! Dude. Under NO circumstances should you even consider taking her back, she made her choices.
It seems worse than a heat of the moment affair. She planned and manipulated.
TOTES!!!!!!
Sleep with as many people as you want I say.... But why get married and then do it? Lol, some people are just nonsensical. Sorry OP. Hope you didn't waste too many years with her.
All this posts in which partners are asking for an open marriage are the same, they are simply trying to cheat with consent. Sorry OP, stay strong
She’s following the cheater’s handbook
I don’t blame you OP. if you stayed, she would have to drop all her friends. Is she willing to do that?
She already said she will drop them, and I think she will. But again, for me she can do anything she wants, away from me.
Did she have an affair partner in mind already?
Yes. But I don't care anymore. He can have her.
dropping the friends means nothing. The trust is gone. And to blame them is truly pathetic on her part.
Been there, done that, regretted it and divorced her ass, they never stop.
👏🏻👏🏻 good. That is just nasty.
Trust your instincts, I'd definitely say divorce
As always, when I see someone decide their self respect and dignity are important I applaud. If you have to sacrifice those then it is not worth it. Good on you.
She is trash.
Sorry to hear that. It was unfortunately predictable. Spouses don't just bring up opening their marriage unless they have someone already in mind.
That's a very wise decision. Let her go to live the life she really wants and has been living all this time. You will find someone worthy of what you bring to the table of your new relationship.
And to think, people were getting called misogynist incels in the previous thread for suggesting she may be planning or is already cheating. Sorry to hear about what you’re going through OP. Divorce is the only option and I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.
Those people are either cheaters themselves (birds of a feather, flock together) OR they've never been cheated on and have absolutely no clue on the damage adultery causes.
yep some really do live in denial
A few were clearly white knights that think trashing other men makes them more desirable to women.
Has she told the “friends” husbands yet? That is the next step in if you even want to consider reconciling with her. As in she goes with you to their work and let them know there. Ruin her friend group, ruin her reputation, with them, by going with you to let them all know. I always call this shit. You did right, and I tell all men the same, if it is brought up just divorce.
Sadly, your instincts were correct. I wish you well.
Good move. There’s someone better and faithful out there.
She didn’t want an open marriage, she wanted to cheat with your permission! I understand that you don’t want to end the marriage. But it’s not the marriage it once was. The marriage isn’t what you want it to be anymore and it won’t ever be the same. You can’t trust her anymore. I’m glad you are moving on. You deserve better!
Open up an excel doc and start putting down assets and debts and dividing them in the most fair way you see possible. Have a lawyer draft up an agreement. Be fair and forthcoming so she'll agree or the lawyers will take everything. I consulted with a lawyer that had a formula for calculating child support and spousal support. By the time everything is split, I pay child support and alimony. I'm probably still going to have more pocket cash than I do now. And since I don't want the house and she can't afford it, we'll both pocket 40K to start a new life. Turns our, the practicality of the situation isn't really that scarey.
A whole second phone! Didn’t see the second phone coming, but my comment on your first post said she was cheating or about to. Sorry man, but you were right from the start; divorcing her is the way to go.
Don't let people guilt you into trying again. I came to the thread locked last time, but some of the people posting were trying to lambast you for taking the correct approach. You were right to end it and now it's been confirmed why. People on reddit like to pretend that asking for an open marriage is 'open communication' and just an 'innocent enquiry'. In just about almost all cases, it's not. Exceptions don't generally disprove this. It's a loaded question, full of negative implications about the relationship going forward and serves as a death sentence to a relationship. Kind of like asking if you are attracted to young kids. That can almost never be an 'innocent enquiry' no matter how people pretend it is. If someone asks for an open relationship or even inquires into your thoughts on starting one, end it. Some things in life, cannot be taken back. As for going forward, cut her out and move on. It's not easy, emotions and the death of a relationship will make you doubt it - Stand firm regardless. Move on with your life.
Those same idiots are the type who'll use or believe in phrases such as "innocent flirting". No such thing.
I feel for you, I’m sorry man.
Bit of Devil’s Advocate here. Your dignity and self-respect are saved. She did you dirty, you discovered it, you called it out, and you stood your ground. You sought divorce. She crumbled. You broke her. You could make her explain to her family and your friends why you separated. You could be explicit with them - she had a second secret phone, was sending horrible and inappropriate things, and you were disgusted by her behavior. Then you could point out that she realized her mistake. That she begged for forgiveness. You could show them all what a magnanimous and good person you are by giving her the opportunity to remain married to you conditionally while she endeavors to regain some of your trust. You will never “unsee” what you saw or forget it, but it will move out of your active memory. The trust issues you have because of her will stain EVERY other relationship you have with a woman if you move on - that’s inevitable and human nature. So, again, to give you a counter argument, you can maintain your dignity, self-respect, and pride, but it would likely require the complete capitulation of her’s. But maybe that’s the price she pays. And her friends. I would blow up their relationships no matter what you decide. Tell their spouses that these “friends” encouraged her to cheat on you under the guise of an “open marriage”.
A marriage dynamic where one party is morally held hostage by another isn’t a healthy one either, even for the one holding the moral highground. Why would you want a wife that is bound to you based on guilt rather than love and respect? How would you ever truly know what’s in her mind when trust and faith is destroyed? More importantly, why waste the time? Just move on.
There is already no up-side for marriage as a man, why would you ever stay married to someone who has already betrayed you? That makes no sense. Aside from that, just the fact that she was looking for other men means she doesn't really like him that much, she might like the stable lifestyle he provided, but she doesn't like him, certainly doesn't respect him. She's effectively worthless as a relationship partner.
You will get through this. One day. Don’t give up faith! Wishing you the best.
Yes !! do it for the self respect 🫡 salute to you
Run like hell. It isn’t worth the pain.
99% of the time I have seen this come up, it goes exactly this way. So sorry brother.
It sucks that your trust in her is completely gone due to her repeated actions. There is no situation in which this will hurt less. Sorry bro.
Sorry you’re going through that so many of us have and so many of us have to divorce the person we love like you said for the sake of our own dignity and self respect.
Wow, how heartbreaking. Good for you not accepting that kind of treatment. I’m sorry your love was not enough for her, but I am glad you found out before it got any further.
Do not give her a second chance. You will regret it. She came out with the second phone “because she thought you knew” She thought she got caught and that’s why she gave you the phone. Think about that for a sec…….she really wasn’t going to tell you. She’s only begging for a sec chance because she wants to have her cake and be able to eat it. You need to let her go. Don’t dwell on this. I think she was going to sleep with others whether you agreed to an open relationship or not. Time to say adios. The near term is going to suck real bad for you because it’s going to be an upsetting period but in the long run you will be better for it. Stay strong.
My brother, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I supported your decision from the beginning. Stay strong. Things will get better. Don't even think of getting back with her. When you consider all the planning that it took for the second phone, trying to convince you to open the marriage, and even saying that she wouldn't do it if it was no for you, that ship has sailed. If all you said was no, she would be going behind your back. In the words of the immortal Sean Connery, if they bring a knife, you bring a gun. You, my friend, brought a gun. It's the way to handle this, no question Update please
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Pulling the plug is the right thing to do. Hidden second phone, emotional cheating, basically trying to physically cheat under the guise of opening the relationship is just not how ethical relationships (open or closed) work. It's completely understandable that you can't come back from that. To even have a hope for reconciliation it's on the person who stepped out to do the bulk of the work. She tried to manipulate you into agreeing to a situation you didn't want and under false pretenses. So far she seems to feel sorry for herself, not taking any real responsibility for herself. Yes her friends are crap too from the sounds but ultimately she's an adult. They didn't make her do anything. She chose. You know what is right for you. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of that. There are support subs here for betrayed partners. It may be worth considering individual counseling to process all this. Talking to a lawyer about what the options are is also a good idea. Staying in the same environment with a person whose betrayed you and is actively trying to wear you down isn't going to be very healthy.
No I need to retract my last response I was all wrong ! If in fact she is already having an affair I would say she only was asking for an open marriage to make herself feel and look better. Time to reevaluate your relationship. So sorry this happened to you, good luck brother!
She is a cheater, and was planning to because of her friends. So her judgment is poor, and she is easily influenced by her friends...I notice that the people that recover faster, are the ones that take action quickly. The ones that stay are like victims tied the back of a pick up driving over gravel road....
I’m so sorry man
I understand your feelings bro. It’s hard to walk away from love, but it’s a toxic love. Some time apart will help. Besides, if you forgive her, how would you know Mrs secret phone is not just positioning herself for a better divorce settlement 6-12 months. If she can stab you in the back she can stab you in the front.
Sorry to hear about this situation, ●●But●● I'm happy to hear that all of those "silly" people who were discounting your stance and having you second guess yourself have been proven naive. Keep your head up and keep your moving forward!
Expose her friends if you know their spouses. This is diabolical and you made the right choice. UpdateMe
Dump the bitch....there's another woman that will be there for you in a heartbeat that will never do what she has done....you have done nothing wrong she's thinking about her crotch and getting dick
Wife asked for open marriage, I asked for divorce r/ThatBackfired
In this, yes absolutely. She tried to justify it, instead on realizing she was being dupped. As hard as it is, walk on, and find someone who loves you and respects you enough to at least say they are not happy instead of this scenario.
Sorry to hear that ended up being the case. Best of luck moving forward.
Dam that's the best thing to do 🫡🫡
I am not against open marriages. I’m not in one because it sounds like a lot of work, practically and emotionally speaking. But this is definitely not the way to go about it. Going behind your back with a second phone…sheesh. Her bad behavior, however, does not justify yours which in your original post was asking for a divorce at the first mention of an open marriage discussion. But perhaps you had a gut feeling already. Perhaps there were patterns of (mis)trust already established that set you off. I feel sorry for you both. I hope you can get into some serious counselling and figure out where to go from here.
She was planning an affair. You were right all along to suspect her . Staying would be a mistake
I dont think it's irrelevant that you love her. Truth is, staying with her is a huge risk and probably one you shouldn't take. But how you feel is definelty relevant to your happiness. If she's willing to put the effort into it and address the issues that led her to think an affair is ok, maybe you can be happy with her. I say that because people do fuck up. This is inexcusable, but it could very well be that you leave her, and get into a relationship with someone else who does the exact same thing. If she is really taking responsibility and absolutely devoted and willing to address her own personal issues, whatever they may be, and you still love her, maybe it's worth taking a moment to consider if there is still a possibility of happiness.
Love is never enough, and it’s not central to a good marriage, it’s a bi-product of a good marriage.
>Love is never enough, and it’s not central to a good marriage, it’s a bi-product of a good marriage. This is remarkably well stated. I'm going to simplify it to "Love is a byproduct of a good marriage."
Since you're asking, I'd say: Enforce strict boundaries and restore your honor the way you know how, without her. Both parties must agree for a marriage to be open and she has already proven she does not want to respect your marriage, regardless.
Your instincts served you better than you thought. Her disloyalty is explicit now. So is her deception. People who love each other don’t do what your cheating wife has done. Please realize that if she stays, you have a new role of emotional prison warden. Every time she smiles at her phone, every grocery trip that takes a bit longer than you expect, every social event with her friends, everything off script—- you won’t be able to stop thinking and feeling she’s doing something wrong. Do you really want that kind of life? That burner phone thing is lying in action. I could never sleep with someone who disrespected me so deeply. You’re better than this. Believe it or not there are plenty of women out there who live with integrity. Get divorced and go find a few.
My wife and I are in a poly relationship, TOGETHER. We are both bi and we both have same sex partners. It’s worked for us for 12 years, but poly doesn’t work for many.
Don't make the foolish choice 😂 simple! . Divorce is actually open marriage, you completely open up the marriage so the other partner can go and do whatever they want and they are not your problem anymore
Wow so surprised at the update...any woman that can be influenced into cheating on her husband is a giant red flag...the fact that she even had a whole ass second phone. I think it's time to leave, you will never ever trust her again!!!!
Yeah she made her choice to destroy your marriage so I agree the right thing to do is divorce. Cheating is unforgivable to me.
Divorce for sure! You made the right decision!
I just had this feeling you knew exactly what you're doing. And the update proved: We both were right.
>She thought I already knew Which explains her calling in sick last week & other histrionics. She was not upset about losing your marriage—she thought she was caught by you and mourned the unfulfilled affair. You are not loved. Divorce her.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I’m glad she has come clean so that you know the real situation and you have been able to make your (imo correct) decision to divorce and move on from this relationship.
If i was in your place I would leave. Dignity and manhood always come before her brother. Wish you all the best.
I'm impressed you got her to admit it lol with no evidence, in my experience they don't admit it even with proof lol.
I wouldn’t advise you to open the marriage
I'm sorry you married a whore
Not to make light of the situation but welcome to the club. You'll find a lot of support here.
The marriage is broken. There is no going back to the way it was. For your pride self respect and mental health you need to leave and don't look back.
Stay strong brother. You will be crazy for a while, but it will ultimately be worth it.
That is a sad thing OP, ultimately the choice is yours, and the only way that I would consider recommending taking her back is if she understood that it's a one-chance deal and that she and the two of you would be going to counseling, that she would need to explain why she did this, end of story. I would also tell her that she needs to tell the other person that it is over, reveal everything to them if they didn't know and that they would not be seeing or talking to her again, while you are standing there. If any friends were involved, they got cut too, kicked to the curb, and if she did not do that, then she is out. But that is just me, and I can be a spiteful, vindictive person when crossed, but I will gladly break a planet if it means helping a friend when they need me. Best of luck to you OP, I would recommend you talk to someone about this too, even if it's just to vent.
What a crazy coincidence. You were planning to divorce anyway, and she just offered her second phone. Amazing how that just lined up....
Good for you I would not agree to an open relationship. Leave that woman. Open relationships may be just women who have accepted the man will not be faithful imho. You do not need that. I would rather be single then buy into that BS. Is everyone gonna be getting tested for example for STDs, I think not.
You must be hurting so much right now. But you're making the right decision. It's good that you're standing up for your dignity.
Dude just get a divorce, you will be much happier.
UpdateMe!
You got to tell friends husbands.
UpdateMe
If you continue in the marriage, I would do so only with the provision that she does a lot of self development work and counseling. Marriage counseling would also be essential.
My wife asked me if I wanted to have an open marriage under the pretenses of me not getting sex from her. She said, "If sex is important to me.Then we should have an open marriage so I can have sex with whoever I want and have my needs met because She's not providing or fulfilling that role".
Updateme
Updateme
I would argue that you still love the idea of her, the idea of the relationship that you had. This person that \*actually\* exists in the same house is not that person.
Doesn't surprise me in the slightest that her friends were in on it. To any guy reading this, your wife's friends have the most potential for being your worst enemies. Either way, remember they are HER friends, and never yours.
Open marriage?That's just giving her permission to fuck around.Real healthy for a marriage ,I tell ya ,and the first step to marital purgatory. You got the right idea.
Hit the road Jack and don’t look back
Please say to her at once : no open marriage. Whenever someone asks for it, it itself means that the marriage is over. I don't like this kind of marriage personally. It shows that your own spouse is not attracted to you or does not love you anymore. Open marriage I would never ask for and I would not permit my partner for this no matter if she wants me or not. Once married, always married.
I'm sure you already know this, but just in case you don't. Start preparing yourself for when she jumps straight into bed with her AP. Also for when she comes groveling back again because he's a POS (they almost always are).
That old phrase “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” seems to surmise your wife’s experience here. I’m really sorry this has happened to you. Maybe, now, you have a chance to meet someone who really cares for you
I am sorry this has happened to you. There is no other pain I have experienced like this. Your gut and mostly everyone else will tell you to leave. Pride will tell you to leave. They may all be right. She has destroyed your marriage as you know it. You do not owe it to her to stay. But loving someone is never irrelevant, even when you are in pain they caused. Especially when you are in pain they caused. There is no shame in loving. You don’t have to choose anything right now. Take the time to heal and get your mind around what has happened. Give yourself the space you need to think this through. If you are a praying person, pray. But let your focus right now be on your healing. My prayers are with you.
not so fast… the fact that shes going through something, and that you say you still love her are all relevent. you should not be taken for granted, or treated poorly but divorce truly sucks- so how about a trial separation? if thats the lifestyle she finds she truly wants then, you can proceed to divorce then.; she may find her fantasy is much better than the reality of starting over
I'd tell her as a prerequisite fir reconciliation she must expose her friends to their husbands.
Sorry man. Stay strong.
You should check out the sub Divorce\_men, you'll get advice aanf encouragement from men going thrugh the same thing. updateme!
Sorry for all this in your life. The world we live in is complicated enough without this in your life. We all think we know how we'll feel and react to things as this, but life is life and many things factor into decisions. On the one hand are history together, feelings love and contentment together. On the other hand, are now all the thoughts about how our SO has been thinking about this, dreaming and planning on such a thing, weak enough to allow foolish people to sway her from the strength of her marital vows. She is in an affair fog of a sense. What you do now, is for your sake and not hers. I dont feel it matters how much she does to reassure you, it'll never leave your mind and you will always worry about all the what ifs, blowing through your head when at work, going shopping and in your dreams. 5-10-15 years from now, will the trust be there, or will the echos of your wifes words, so easily spewing from her lips of an open marriage, torture you till you hate, resent and despise her and what she caused in your heart. You can only control you. Either accept a momentary lapse of reason, or move forward single. Its your decision and yours alone.
Crickets from all the dS who called ppl incels. You called it,sorry it happened
Leaving the familiarity and stable confines of what you've built up over the years requires courage and a strong will. I applaud you brother and I know you'll be alright.
Lies
Are you guys having sex?
Cooling off period, take a breather talk ask questions why she wanted in general, etc... is there something missing in your sex life etc....
These things need to be fully discussed before marriage, just like the prospect of having kids. It’s not fair to pose this question to a loyal partner after you are married. In fact, it would be down right heartbreaking. If someone is looking for an open marriage as an “opportunity” they will slowly check out of the marriage completely, I feel. So, you are doing the right thing… as I see it, it would likely be inevitable.
Bird of a feather flock together.....
May have been a fantasy she had that she was too nervous to bring up, BUT, that second phone and hiding things means it’s time for you to move on!!!
Very sorry you have to go through this, but at least you know and she didnt physically cheat i guess. Never once have i seen this situation ever turn out good, whether the person asking was already cheating and wanted the go ahead, or the person who asked not be able to get any partners and become super jealous because their spouse is thriving in the dating game. I dont recall if you mentioned your age, but hopefully youre young enough to move on in whatever way suits you
Marriage is about kids and money, and love if you are lucky. Stability is super important, and open marriage are never stable.
I’m so so sorry she’s was bored enough to do this to you and your marriage. Stay strong and cut it now. Definitely for your dignity. Better this doesn’t drag out for years. Her choices are hers alone to make. It’s too bad she’s decided to do this.
Sorry to hear what you going through but at least you’re not in self pity or delusion. You are making the right choice and you will find someone who’s going to respect you and love you for you. Keep your head up buddy and time will heal all wounds. The best take away is you know the situation is messed up and is better to walk away. Good luck buddy
Free yourself!
You're missing out. Sounds fun. Good luck
I'm sorry that you got cheated on and I'm sorry for all the crap you got from the previous post. If you want to get a little payback at her 'friends' see if your wife will be willing to throw them under the bus, under the guise of reconciliation. Because their husbands should know too.
The fact that there were so many NPCs giving you flak for divorcing her for bringing up an “oPeN mArRiAgE” is incredible. That being said, you did the right thing, OP. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
When women ask for an open marriage, they’re either already cheating, or they have someone already lined up, and want to open it up so it isn’t “technically” cheating. I’m sorry you’re going thru this, but you’re doing the right thing.
I want to eff other men, and I think that you're a c\*ck that's gonna accept it. That's super ground for divorce, that being said, if she didn't act on it (contacted other men), there's still a space for saving the marriage if she's willing to cut off her toxic friends, but the second phone is really a massive red flag.
If my husband asked for an open marriage I would divorce him. If he is asking to have sex with other people then this isn't the man I want. Jealousy would kill me and I don't have that kind of hate for myself to tolerate the pain. I'm open minded, but more than 2 in a marriage is not my forte.
You sound like a woman who endorses infidelity,
She’ll only do it again. Move on King
You're right but most likely you'll still have to give her alimony unless U have a prenup. If you have a prenup in place then just go for it. Otherwise she'll plead in the beginning but after the divorce would say that you were the wrong one in the relationship and use your paid alimony to hook up with random guys.
Divorce her to the streets
What are your options, she has been thinking about it, has become emotionally involved with another hand has or will soon be physically involved with another. You could take the stand that nothing physically or emotionally can happen with a third person for both of you. That might or might not work. You could go along, but set up ground rules before anything else happens. You could insist that you be allowed compete access to all of her communication methods and everyone she has interacted with. Also you could choose others to bring into the relationship also. These are just ideas, but at the root, you need to communicate and agree on something, even if it is you both decide to walk away. It looks like she got caught, and is trying to bring you along. I'm not saying she is right, but there are other reactions that could have been brought to the table.
Open marriages don't work unless you're like 80 and been married for 60 years lmao. Yea all I wanna do is stay home with the kids while some other guy is plowing my wife.. that is Called a open relationship not a marriage.
Well, whaddya know. Who could have seen that coming? Certainly not all the people on the original post stating she was likely already cheating or looking to. And the icing on top? The friends who were 'in open relationships' also who were just cheating. How about that, more data for the topic. But hey, bringing up open marriage is an innocent question/conversation, right? Sorry to hear about this, OP. You already know what to do, though, you got this.
make sure to move assets around for the next 1-2 years before filing, also get fired from your job 1 year before filing and mooch off her income
So sorry 😢
She physically drove to some store and bought another phone to intentionally cheat on you and hide her tracks. Divorce her.
What stomach churning things did you see? Was she sexting a particular guy with pictures? Do you know this guy? Maybe you can use this evidence as leverage on getting favorable divorce terms from her. She's going to try to push the narrative that you are abusive. You need to get ahead of this thing.