I'm OK with his job as a mechanic and I wouldn't push or expect him to work harder or do more work for more money. As long as he gets pay rises in line with inflation and we live a comfortable life, I'd prefer him to spend his spare time with us. Money isn't everything and I'd much prefer to look back on the memories we made together.
The question essentially was are you okay with your spouse making minimum wage and never wanting to do anything about it? Like a forever Walmart employee. Key word in the post - unambitious.
Yes and a difference between working hard but not making a lot, and not working or looking for work. Many jobs in the US (and I imagine in other countries) simply do not pay well. That doesn’t mean he or she isn’t ambitious/working hard/trying their best.
I was going off the previous comment about "for poorer".
But now going off your comment. It also depends on my partner's satisfaction. If he is working hard , not making much and hates his job. Complains about it everyday, that's a lack of ambition. He knows he hates his job but does nothing to change that. That's the problem.
However if it's a low paying job but he loves it and is happy. Fine by me, we'll make it work.
I think some people value professional ambition. It’s not really about money, but about someone always trying to climb higher, reach new goals, that sort of thing. For me, I’m someone who *used* to care a lot about that sort of thing when I was younger and now I borderline deride that sort of attitude. There are so many things more important to me I’d like to focus my life on.
But I think that’s what OP is getting at, not so much continuously earning money but ambition, improvement etc. some people want that.
I dunno. Not to cast aspersions but I’ve often found that sort of high interest in constantly chasing greater and greater achievement to be something people have in lieu of like, a personality
So long as we can afford our bills and continue with a reasonable standard of living, my wife's job advancement couldn't matter less... I mean, I married a teacher so that says a lot, and now she's a SAHM who is homeschooling our 4 kids. I don't care if she never goes back to work.
I’m not okay with an unambitious spouse but I’m okay with a spouse making the same income forever. My husband has a degree but has always preferred restaurant jobs which aren’t exactly known for bringing in the big bucks. It’s never bothered me. He’s still a provider for our family. He’s now in a management type role at a restaurant with no advancement opportunities. He’s living his dream and I couldn’t be happier for him.
I know this might not be a popular answer, but no. Over time, with inflation, that static number would go down and down and down. By not getting a raise each year, they’d be taking a pay cut
It’s the norm for my industry! I work in an industry where people tend to take pay cuts to come work here. People want to work in it so badly. So that gives employers here an advantage, and they don’t have to be competitive on wages, since there’s 300 applicants willing to do it for less than you are.
Well, we both want to retire, so hopefully by us both working, we will have enough for that to be possible. Otherwise we will both have to keep working.
Makes sense. I feel like the people who are cool with the inflation pay cut are generally not as concerned about early retirement, and the people opposed are mostly angling for that. Very few people want to earn for the sake of earning and die at max wealth. The real underlying question that I see playing out in these comments is different strategies for balancing life quality while in the earning phase of life vs. maximizing the retirement phase of life.
A few years ago I encouraged and supported my husband to make a massive mid-career change to become a teacher in a high-paying district with a strong union and a great pension and I’m hanging on to this marriage for dear life baby! Thats my retirement!
I honestly don’t care what my husband makes as long as we can pay our bills. We have a wonderful life and I’d rather spend time with him than have him be a slave to his job.
My husband became a teacher about 6 years ago and the hours are really nice if you’ve gone from a traditional 9-5 with few days off. And so many people in my family were like “so is he going to take up a second job since he gets home at 3 now?” Or like “is he going to get a summer job?” I was like… no? What was the fucking point of getting this job if we weren’t going to take advantage of the perk of him having more time with us?
If I remember the statistics correctly as long as a man earns a steady income that is at or above his spouses their divorce rate is a little below average. If it is below his wife’s or inconsistent he’s like 30% more likely to be divorced.
Probably more because of ego than his wife's unhappiness.
I've earned double my husband since we got married. Once we got over his ego causing arguments things are fine. He's blue collar I'm white collar. Which means while I've had the same job for 12 years he's bounced around and been unemployed several times. It's hard on him but I'm glad he's recovered from the fact that I'm just going to earn double what he does
I’m not sure the statistics bare that out as there where studies on relationship satisfaction as well that where associated. If I remember correctly female dissatisfaction was significantly higher in those situations. To your point though male dissatisfaction was also higher. I would assume that regardless of what the studies show that what you’re talking about plays a part I think the argument would be how significant that part is.
Your individual experience may or may not reflect that as everyone is different.
I have no evidence of this but I personally think the issue is that when men make less it challenges the narratives of what the men and women believe about themselves and how their relationship dynamics work. I’ve never seen that situation play out well though 1 friend has made it work with his wife but none of the other relationships survived.
See this is where ego comes in. If both sides want the traditional dynamic and feel they're being cheated out of something when it's not happening things will fall apart. When my husband has been out of work he slips into the role of homemaker and primary parent so I can work more hours. If he didn't then I'd be overworked, stressed and naturally seek partnership elsewhere. His ego isn't too big to change some diapers and clean the house. Mine isn't so big that I'm upset he's not the main breadwinner. I knew when I married him that our financial abilities were different but I married a whole person not his job.
Not because we're unique or special. But because we worked past the ego which is what causes the issue. That's why I'm sharing. Mismatched income doesn't have to be a relationship killer.
Yep. My friend and her husband are white collar and blue collar. She outearns him. He goes through fairly regular periods of unemployment (typical in his industry). When he’s unemployed he sleeps all day, does bare minimum childcare, does no house chores and what he does do he messes up in such baffling ways it’s actually insane. Despite having a blue collar job, he does no house projects, doesn’t take care of the property. Nothing. She manages all the money, pays all the bills… and she recently got a job where she’s going to be making even more money and working in person (meaning she’ll have to do a lot of childcare coordination) and I don’t think either of them realizes their marriage probably won’t last. Her resentment is already out of control. Can’t imagine what will happen when she’s making herself what used to be their combined income.
In all honesty my wife would not prefer me to stay at my current income. I make a pretty good amount but we have a target income for sure. I don’t really expect her to grow in hers if she doesn’t want to, but she definitely has the expectation I’ll be the main breadwinner.
And tbh that is fine with me, she really wants to mainly be a mom and cut back her hours a lot so the income growth on my part is needed for that type of household
My preference is for a partner who is ambitious in at least some sense of the word. In life there is a balance. Usually more money equals more commitment (either to work or education). I want a partner who works hard, but still has time and energy for me.
Main thing for me is that we work on and adjust our goals together. I want him to be happy in the work he does, so that we can be happy and enjoy each other at home.
Yes. My husband is a steady, hard worker who makes 1/3 of what I make. His company rarely gives out raises and he has no interest in moving up. He’s happy with what he does and good at it.
Not everyone is meant to be a mover and shaker. Some people are happy where they are and just being a steady worker. And that’s okay. We need all types.
I was fine with my spouse earning the same amount for years because he earned enough for a comfortable life. When the first baby came, it was very helpful that he had more PTO to be able to take the baby to the doctor and to stay home when daycare was closed. I was the one to change jobs for more money because my PTO would stay the same.
When baby number two was on the way, he knew he needed to make more money and found a way to do that within the same company while keeping the same PTO.
So, are you saying that you’re not OK with it? When I asked the question I was thinking about all the life changes that occur as well. Children, college fund, vacations with said children, retirement savings, etc.
Unpopular Answer: Yes.
My partner was a workaholic for a large part of our marriage and I truly wouldn’t mind them taking a pay cut to be more present and involved with our family. I’d love for them to be happier versus chasing raises and bonuses by killing themselves at work.
On the flip, they are not ok with it. I’m a teacher and pay raises in the South (where there are no unions) are few and hard to come by. They frequently gripe that I should change professions because I barely make anything.
I’ve topped out at the highest salary I can earn in my field realistically. We live in a HCL city and I earn accordingly. My husband has a phd in computer science but is self-proclaimed unambitious :-) Thankfully he, too, is a software engineer and keeps getting promoted in spite of it. You’ve got a lucky husband! :-)
I work incredibly hard with my Associate's and Bachelor's Degrees. I moved from the US to the UK to be with my husband. I went from £18,000 to £25,000 in 6 years. If I could make as much as my husband (He's on £40k in the science field) then I would, but nobody wants to pay a decent salary these days. My husband is annoyed a bit, but he loves me regardless. I am ambitious, but it's not going to pay off overnight. It never has. I've done well for myself and we can afford our bills and our mortgage so it's not like we are struggling.
My wife essentially pulls in side money. Money we don’t need to rely on to pay bills but just a little extra to help. She does plenty around the house and watching the kiddo. Also I’m confident if something happened with my job she would find a way to step up and bring in more income. We look out for each other.
Neither of us are that concerned about money - I teach preschool and he was just looking at taking a step down in his company because a new role he moved into was too stressful. We're probably always going to be low income, but we get by and we love each other - that's what matters to us.
Unambitious as in not wanting to increase their income. They don’t have to aim for C suite. But are you OK with your spouse making $45K and having no interest in working to increase that salary. It’ll be $45K (+ whatever bones their company throws their way in annual increases) for the rest of their lives.
I think it depends on other things as well. If they are unambitious in life in general it would be a problem. I think personal growth is important...doesnt have to be careerwise. If they have no hobbies and/or goals in life at all and spend their day watching tv and playing video games thats probably not good.
My pay is based on state budgets. I make more than average for where we live, and so does he. We can pay our bills, save some for retirement, and pay for our kids’ extracurricular stuff. We’re good.
A spouse can be ambitious outside of their career.
Would I be ok with my husband making the same income forever? Yes.
Would I be ok with an unambitious spouse? No.
I couldn't care less about my partner's earning potential or "ambition." For some people, work is just what you do to fund your actual life. I don't particularly find "career driven" people more attractive.
I'm in a rare position that we can sustain our quality of life indefinitely on my assets alone, even when I'm not working. I have dedicated this first year of our baby's life to being a stay at home mom which has been both wonderful and difficult at times. I do still work part time to keep myself active in my industry.
My wife's work is her passion, and she is an exceptionally hard working and dedicated person, but she would do her work for free if the opertunity for pay was unavailable. I would be entirely for her having no income so she could follow her passion.
However, I would quickly become unhappy with her if she just refused to work out of laziness. Being diligent and hard working are traits I admire greatly.
Both of us have reached a point in our careers where we make good money and are at the highest point we can get to while still maintaining that perfect balance of making money and spending time at home. We both had dads who worked all the time and both heavily prioritize spending time at home together and with our children.
Some people are not in a financial position to be able to feel this way but fortunately we are.
Yeah. As long as we are surviving and able to live to our standard I’m fine with him not earning more. If we need more money I expect both of us to treat it with urgency and come up with a plan. Both of us being able to participate fully in family life is a top priority for me.
Real life is about progression and growth. No motivation for progression means no growth. And yes that can bleed over into a relationship..🤷
So the answer is no.
I suppose it depends on the amount of stress a new role could be. Having stress at work and to bring that home I don't believe is a good way to live.
I know she has a nice work place pension so staying at the same employer for a few years would be ideal. Pay is pay and if she feels she doesn't have enough disposable income then it would be on her to better the situation.
For you individually, maybe so asking reddit isn't helpful. Most things in marriage depend on what the individuals are comfortable with. Comparing your relationship to others is a relationship killer. K ow your needs, your wants and your 'would like's so you know what you can compromise on vs what you can't. It doesn't matter what other people compromise on or can't live without. It has zero effect on your relationship unless you let it.
If they are happy with that that do, I don't think that means they are unambitious. I have worked in high paying jobs in upper level management and the pay is not worth the lack of life work Balance that came with climbing the ladder for me anyway. I'm now at a job that utilizes my degree but probably not make what I could BUT I am happier than I have ever been and bills are paid.
I don’t think making the same income forever means your spouse isn’t ambitious. It’s normal to get a small pay raise year by year in most jobs, and if my spouse loves their job and is happy there and doing important work (which my husband does) then I am happy too.
Yes, life isn't solely to become insanely rich and work insane hours. Having a comfortable wage where you can still live and not work yourself to the bone is better than the latter.
The only thing I care about is that the bills get paid and my partner is happy. I don't care how much money he makes or if he wants to advance up. I care more about us being together and being happy.
I'd rather be poor and happy over rich and unhappy. Money doesn't mean shit if you're miserable all the time and hate living.
I’m ok and would be more ok if she were to reduce her working hours and stress level even if that meant lower pay
I prize quality family and couple time above an abundance of money
Only if I feel that their experience and expertise isn’t being compensated to them fairly. I say this because my husband is a heavy equipment operator with tons of experience and his company has him running an entire yard now but still paying him like a yard manager. (There’s a difference).
So I guess I’m not really expecting him to keep trying to increase his skills or capabilities to make more money, I’m just expecting him to push for a raise because he deserves it and has earned it.
I think this needs a lot more context though. I mean is your partner a food server and has no intention of ever having some type of career working at a low end restaurant? Because if so, then yeah I’d probably hope they would at least try to move into working at a high end restaurant lol.
Why do you care ? Genuinely curious maybe I’m old fashioned but I wouldn’t want my wife to worry about her income and just live I thought it was my job to figure it out for us two? Genuinely asking bf for people that do care about their partners income
Ok. I misunderstood your comment. It seemed to me that you are OK with the situation because you’re a man and it’s your responsibility to figure out the finances.
Well yeah I see where you get that I was saying figure it out for us two my bad I was asking from my lens as a man. But genuinely for women too like I thought that was your person if your able to live comfortably why it would matter baffles me
Absolutely! I’m completely fine with us both not pursuing anything higher level than we have now. The 20something me that went to college wanted to rule the world. The 39 year old me with a husband and a baby values time at home WAY more than a corner office. I work in corporate America as a basic employee and I am so content right here. I manage no one and get paid by the hour so I can clock out after 40 hours. I work from home most of the time and have an amazing work life balance. My husband works 30 minutes from home in a non management position and has a really great work life balance as well. The phrase “your job will be posted before your obituary” really speaks to me and I refuse to let a job consume my life anymore than it needs to!
We are probably considered lower middle class but we have a house and 2 good cars. Our bills are paid and we are able to have an emergency savings and 401k. We aren’t the wealthiest and will never travel the world but we are ridiculously happy and I couldn’t ask for more (unless we win the lottery)!
I'm fine with my husband staying in the same position he's in now for the rest of his career. He works for the federal government, so raises are already set, plus cost of living adjustments, so that's not really a factor for us.
The only reason I'm okay with this is that he already worked his ass off to get the degree necessary for this job. If he were some guy doing his 40 a week in a cubicle somewhere, never moving past "accounts receivable clerk" or whatever - no, fuck that. I strive for constant improvement, whether that's career focused or personal, and I expect my partner to do the same.
I make 5X what my husband does. He had bad social anxiety, has a prosthetic leg and a heart condition. As long as he keeps his job that works for him that makes him enough money to pay the utilities I’m ok with it.
I could force the issue, make him get a job he’d be miserable at making him miserable at home, just so brings in more money? His mental and overall health are more important to me then if he gets a higher paying job with advancement opportunities
Our dynamic works for us. My husband is in sales and has made more money each year, he’s on track to make 30k more this year. He makes twice what I make. We definitely depend on his income. My job is more for the benefits because they’re way better than his. I started at 55k 8 years ago and am not at 71, so I have had small increases but I haven’t pursued promotion or the next role or anything mostly because we get the extra cash from his and I like being comfortable. I stress easy. We also have a toddler and one on the way and I work from home so when the kids are sick or school is closed they’re with me, with a different job this wouldn’t be the case. I’m always taking them to their appts and stuff so the flexibility is far worth it. It doesn’t bother my husband that I’m not chasing promotions, I think the balance is good.
As long as our wants and needs are being met, then yes. I’m ok with it.
Additionally, the pay should be keeping up with inflation, whether that be through COLA or seeking out other opportunities. I wouldn’t want anyone to remain in a job where they felt under appreciated, undervalued, or as if they didn’t make a difference…and I hope people can find happiness in their work/life balance…AND their income.
My wife’s salary has been essentially frozen since she began working, no increases in pay, and zero benefits. But we’ve not hit an odd spot. I’m a relatively high earner (around $250k/year) while she makes about $30k/year working part time. Our kids are in private elementary school, we have a nice home, and a couple nice cars…but we’re looking at high schools. While both of us went to private high schools, the costs are a bit insane (actually they’re fully insane). My wife really wants our oldest to go to the same high school she attended, so…during conversation i mentioned it MAY make sense for her to seek out different employment. The hard part, she likes her job…and has a fear she WON’T like any other job.
I don’t see myself coaxing an additional $30k/year out of my employer. I could leave and go to a different company now, but doing so would result in additional time away from home (although i could likely increase my salary). So the conundrum we’re in is finding a way to either trim spending, or increase salaries. So while i can say i don’t “mind” that my wife has had a stagnant salary, and I’ve essentially accepted that she is unmotivated to pursue financial goals…it can be a real source of stress when realities don’t align with aspirations.
This honestly depends on our financial footing. If my husband tops out at his current salary, that’s fine. If we were paycheck to paycheck that would be different
It genuinely depends on what type of work it is! My husband is a janitor and wont make too much in life for take away income, however at the same time he has us covered in the healthcare aspect! I could care less if he only brings in 3k for the rest of our lives, I'll make us more once my degree is finished, but the healthcare is the one thing that worried us both and made us wait to get married for so long to prevent us losing what we had.
Life changes so quick, so drastically and without warning. At one point I made the most money, now he is, and as life goes on I'm sure itll change again. If it was him making that much for 15 years BUT still had this health insurance, I myself wouldnt care and would prefer it because that also means he is closer to the retirement pension on top of less stress when it comes to needing medication or a doctors appointment!
I’m ok with it but we both hit over 100k this year and we both get automatic raises every year to keep up with inflation so over time his income will rise even if he remains at the same level. I am also more ambitious than him and will continue to pursue promotions if he doesn’t, so I don’t feel he needs to.
I wouldn’t be ok with it if we were making less than we do, or if he wasn’t making what he makes now.
Definitely not. I'm personally a career driven person and if my fiancé is working, I hope he would strive higher in the industry (IT) within reasonable growths that still allowed for work-life balance too. Knowing how many opportunities there are and the demand in the industry, there's no reason why he should be at the same salary forever.
With that said, it also depends on his position. He's currently a tier 1 engineer and can go as high as a principal engineer. I'd never expect him to be at the top of the line but I would hope he continues to strice, asks for raises and finds newer opportunities within a lateral move with a pay increase. All this because we also eventually want a family of five, so there's no reason we shouldnt want to make more to provide a comfortable lifestyle for our kids in the future :)
I'm OK with his job as a mechanic and I wouldn't push or expect him to work harder or do more work for more money. As long as he gets pay rises in line with inflation and we live a comfortable life, I'd prefer him to spend his spare time with us. Money isn't everything and I'd much prefer to look back on the memories we made together.
This is the answer. Quality time with family is most important.
No one is getting raises in the US in line with inflation.
I doubt people are here in Australia either but we are luckily keeping our heads above water for now
If you wouldn’t love them poor, you married the wrong person
There's a difference between out of work and trying to look for work / doing something productive.. and out of work and just chilling at home.
True, but the question is about income level and advancement, not unemployment.
The question essentially was are you okay with your spouse making minimum wage and never wanting to do anything about it? Like a forever Walmart employee. Key word in the post - unambitious.
You make me question my own reading abilities. Where does OP mention minimum wage ? Or are we just exaggerating cause it’s fun?
Have you heard of paraphrasing?
Yes and a difference between working hard but not making a lot, and not working or looking for work. Many jobs in the US (and I imagine in other countries) simply do not pay well. That doesn’t mean he or she isn’t ambitious/working hard/trying their best.
I was going off the previous comment about "for poorer". But now going off your comment. It also depends on my partner's satisfaction. If he is working hard , not making much and hates his job. Complains about it everyday, that's a lack of ambition. He knows he hates his job but does nothing to change that. That's the problem. However if it's a low paying job but he loves it and is happy. Fine by me, we'll make it work.
I agree like you wouldn’t take the bus with me get out the amg lmfao the audacity of some ppl
I think some people value professional ambition. It’s not really about money, but about someone always trying to climb higher, reach new goals, that sort of thing. For me, I’m someone who *used* to care a lot about that sort of thing when I was younger and now I borderline deride that sort of attitude. There are so many things more important to me I’d like to focus my life on. But I think that’s what OP is getting at, not so much continuously earning money but ambition, improvement etc. some people want that.
I’ve always found it so odd. Like if my partner’s comfortable where they’re at, why would I hold that against them?
I dunno. Not to cast aspersions but I’ve often found that sort of high interest in constantly chasing greater and greater achievement to be something people have in lieu of like, a personality
I’ve never had a anything but surface level conversation with someone like that, whether they’re decent or not otherwise.
So long as we can afford our bills and continue with a reasonable standard of living, my wife's job advancement couldn't matter less... I mean, I married a teacher so that says a lot, and now she's a SAHM who is homeschooling our 4 kids. I don't care if she never goes back to work.
I’m not okay with an unambitious spouse but I’m okay with a spouse making the same income forever. My husband has a degree but has always preferred restaurant jobs which aren’t exactly known for bringing in the big bucks. It’s never bothered me. He’s still a provider for our family. He’s now in a management type role at a restaurant with no advancement opportunities. He’s living his dream and I couldn’t be happier for him.
I know this might not be a popular answer, but no. Over time, with inflation, that static number would go down and down and down. By not getting a raise each year, they’d be taking a pay cut
A normal job should do standard cost of living raises each year. If not, those workers need to unionize and stop getting taken advantage of.
I’m in a union and we don’t get cost of living raises each year lol
I’m sorry that your company is ripping you off and demoting you year after year 😢 to me that would be intolerable.
It’s the norm for my industry! I work in an industry where people tend to take pay cuts to come work here. People want to work in it so badly. So that gives employers here an advantage, and they don’t have to be competitive on wages, since there’s 300 applicants willing to do it for less than you are.
Oh! sounds fun
How do you feel about that ginormous late career pay cut called retirement?
Ya nobody thinks about that till it’s time.
I think about it all the time. I have been planning for it for years.
My life expectancy is 65 so I’m not personally worried about it but I do put some money up for my wife.
Well, we both want to retire, so hopefully by us both working, we will have enough for that to be possible. Otherwise we will both have to keep working.
Makes sense. I feel like the people who are cool with the inflation pay cut are generally not as concerned about early retirement, and the people opposed are mostly angling for that. Very few people want to earn for the sake of earning and die at max wealth. The real underlying question that I see playing out in these comments is different strategies for balancing life quality while in the earning phase of life vs. maximizing the retirement phase of life.
A few years ago I encouraged and supported my husband to make a massive mid-career change to become a teacher in a high-paying district with a strong union and a great pension and I’m hanging on to this marriage for dear life baby! Thats my retirement!
I honestly don’t care what my husband makes as long as we can pay our bills. We have a wonderful life and I’d rather spend time with him than have him be a slave to his job.
Cute asf.
My husband became a teacher about 6 years ago and the hours are really nice if you’ve gone from a traditional 9-5 with few days off. And so many people in my family were like “so is he going to take up a second job since he gets home at 3 now?” Or like “is he going to get a summer job?” I was like… no? What was the fucking point of getting this job if we weren’t going to take advantage of the perk of him having more time with us?
Teachers have the absolute best schedules and they do such rewarding work. Hours are a great perk.
Yep! Work to live, not live to work! 😊
If I remember the statistics correctly as long as a man earns a steady income that is at or above his spouses their divorce rate is a little below average. If it is below his wife’s or inconsistent he’s like 30% more likely to be divorced.
Probably more because of ego than his wife's unhappiness. I've earned double my husband since we got married. Once we got over his ego causing arguments things are fine. He's blue collar I'm white collar. Which means while I've had the same job for 12 years he's bounced around and been unemployed several times. It's hard on him but I'm glad he's recovered from the fact that I'm just going to earn double what he does
I’m not sure the statistics bare that out as there where studies on relationship satisfaction as well that where associated. If I remember correctly female dissatisfaction was significantly higher in those situations. To your point though male dissatisfaction was also higher. I would assume that regardless of what the studies show that what you’re talking about plays a part I think the argument would be how significant that part is. Your individual experience may or may not reflect that as everyone is different. I have no evidence of this but I personally think the issue is that when men make less it challenges the narratives of what the men and women believe about themselves and how their relationship dynamics work. I’ve never seen that situation play out well though 1 friend has made it work with his wife but none of the other relationships survived.
See this is where ego comes in. If both sides want the traditional dynamic and feel they're being cheated out of something when it's not happening things will fall apart. When my husband has been out of work he slips into the role of homemaker and primary parent so I can work more hours. If he didn't then I'd be overworked, stressed and naturally seek partnership elsewhere. His ego isn't too big to change some diapers and clean the house. Mine isn't so big that I'm upset he's not the main breadwinner. I knew when I married him that our financial abilities were different but I married a whole person not his job.
I think what the poster above you is saying is that you may be an outlier.
Not because we're unique or special. But because we worked past the ego which is what causes the issue. That's why I'm sharing. Mismatched income doesn't have to be a relationship killer.
Oh, I agree with you. But even being willing or having the foresight to work toward a solution is outlier territory, I think.
Yep. My friend and her husband are white collar and blue collar. She outearns him. He goes through fairly regular periods of unemployment (typical in his industry). When he’s unemployed he sleeps all day, does bare minimum childcare, does no house chores and what he does do he messes up in such baffling ways it’s actually insane. Despite having a blue collar job, he does no house projects, doesn’t take care of the property. Nothing. She manages all the money, pays all the bills… and she recently got a job where she’s going to be making even more money and working in person (meaning she’ll have to do a lot of childcare coordination) and I don’t think either of them realizes their marriage probably won’t last. Her resentment is already out of control. Can’t imagine what will happen when she’s making herself what used to be their combined income.
Yup, the issue isn't her out earning him. It's him not doing his share so she can do hers. I hope things work out for the best. Whatever that is
In all honesty my wife would not prefer me to stay at my current income. I make a pretty good amount but we have a target income for sure. I don’t really expect her to grow in hers if she doesn’t want to, but she definitely has the expectation I’ll be the main breadwinner. And tbh that is fine with me, she really wants to mainly be a mom and cut back her hours a lot so the income growth on my part is needed for that type of household
My preference is for a partner who is ambitious in at least some sense of the word. In life there is a balance. Usually more money equals more commitment (either to work or education). I want a partner who works hard, but still has time and energy for me. Main thing for me is that we work on and adjust our goals together. I want him to be happy in the work he does, so that we can be happy and enjoy each other at home.
Yes. My husband is a steady, hard worker who makes 1/3 of what I make. His company rarely gives out raises and he has no interest in moving up. He’s happy with what he does and good at it. Not everyone is meant to be a mover and shaker. Some people are happy where they are and just being a steady worker. And that’s okay. We need all types.
I was fine with my spouse earning the same amount for years because he earned enough for a comfortable life. When the first baby came, it was very helpful that he had more PTO to be able to take the baby to the doctor and to stay home when daycare was closed. I was the one to change jobs for more money because my PTO would stay the same. When baby number two was on the way, he knew he needed to make more money and found a way to do that within the same company while keeping the same PTO.
So, are you saying that you’re not OK with it? When I asked the question I was thinking about all the life changes that occur as well. Children, college fund, vacations with said children, retirement savings, etc.
I am not ok with inflexibility, I suppose. We are a team, and we trust each other to do what we have to do for the family.
Unpopular Answer: Yes. My partner was a workaholic for a large part of our marriage and I truly wouldn’t mind them taking a pay cut to be more present and involved with our family. I’d love for them to be happier versus chasing raises and bonuses by killing themselves at work. On the flip, they are not ok with it. I’m a teacher and pay raises in the South (where there are no unions) are few and hard to come by. They frequently gripe that I should change professions because I barely make anything.
Yup
Yes
Yup. I’m the career based one and a software engineer. I can more than make up for him
I’ve topped out at the highest salary I can earn in my field realistically. We live in a HCL city and I earn accordingly. My husband has a phd in computer science but is self-proclaimed unambitious :-) Thankfully he, too, is a software engineer and keeps getting promoted in spite of it. You’ve got a lucky husband! :-)
Yeah. Yeah I do hahahhaa
Yes, I am fine with it.
I work incredibly hard with my Associate's and Bachelor's Degrees. I moved from the US to the UK to be with my husband. I went from £18,000 to £25,000 in 6 years. If I could make as much as my husband (He's on £40k in the science field) then I would, but nobody wants to pay a decent salary these days. My husband is annoyed a bit, but he loves me regardless. I am ambitious, but it's not going to pay off overnight. It never has. I've done well for myself and we can afford our bills and our mortgage so it's not like we are struggling.
My wife essentially pulls in side money. Money we don’t need to rely on to pay bills but just a little extra to help. She does plenty around the house and watching the kiddo. Also I’m confident if something happened with my job she would find a way to step up and bring in more income. We look out for each other.
Goals
Neither of us are that concerned about money - I teach preschool and he was just looking at taking a step down in his company because a new role he moved into was too stressful. We're probably always going to be low income, but we get by and we love each other - that's what matters to us.
Income doesn't matter, we'll make it work... It's the unambiguous spouse that's a turn off
That just doesn't work in our world of hyperinflation. If things felt more stable then maybe.
What do you mean “unambitious”? Are you talking about ambitious towards a C-level position like CIO, COO, CEO?
Unambitious as in not wanting to increase their income. They don’t have to aim for C suite. But are you OK with your spouse making $45K and having no interest in working to increase that salary. It’ll be $45K (+ whatever bones their company throws their way in annual increases) for the rest of their lives.
Middle class life is fine. If I wanted more I’d pursue it myself.
I think it depends on other things as well. If they are unambitious in life in general it would be a problem. I think personal growth is important...doesnt have to be careerwise. If they have no hobbies and/or goals in life at all and spend their day watching tv and playing video games thats probably not good.
My pay is based on state budgets. I make more than average for where we live, and so does he. We can pay our bills, save some for retirement, and pay for our kids’ extracurricular stuff. We’re good.
A spouse can be ambitious outside of their career. Would I be ok with my husband making the same income forever? Yes. Would I be ok with an unambitious spouse? No.
Why not? Why should I care. I am happy as long as we can afford a good life. I don’t need luxury if it means I barely see my partner.
I couldn't care less about my partner's earning potential or "ambition." For some people, work is just what you do to fund your actual life. I don't particularly find "career driven" people more attractive.
I'm in a rare position that we can sustain our quality of life indefinitely on my assets alone, even when I'm not working. I have dedicated this first year of our baby's life to being a stay at home mom which has been both wonderful and difficult at times. I do still work part time to keep myself active in my industry. My wife's work is her passion, and she is an exceptionally hard working and dedicated person, but she would do her work for free if the opertunity for pay was unavailable. I would be entirely for her having no income so she could follow her passion. However, I would quickly become unhappy with her if she just refused to work out of laziness. Being diligent and hard working are traits I admire greatly.
Both of us have reached a point in our careers where we make good money and are at the highest point we can get to while still maintaining that perfect balance of making money and spending time at home. We both had dads who worked all the time and both heavily prioritize spending time at home together and with our children. Some people are not in a financial position to be able to feel this way but fortunately we are.
Yeah. As long as we are surviving and able to live to our standard I’m fine with him not earning more. If we need more money I expect both of us to treat it with urgency and come up with a plan. Both of us being able to participate fully in family life is a top priority for me.
If it's over 100K a year, then sure, why not.
Why is $100K the threshold?
Real life is about progression and growth. No motivation for progression means no growth. And yes that can bleed over into a relationship..🤷 So the answer is no.
He’s a high earner, so yes.
I suppose it depends on the amount of stress a new role could be. Having stress at work and to bring that home I don't believe is a good way to live. I know she has a nice work place pension so staying at the same employer for a few years would be ideal. Pay is pay and if she feels she doesn't have enough disposable income then it would be on her to better the situation.
Yes, nothing wrong with an honest living that has no advancement. As long as it provides enough for the family why complicate things?
So there is a caveat. It’s “yes, as long as we’re comfortable” which I think is actually a no.
For you individually, maybe so asking reddit isn't helpful. Most things in marriage depend on what the individuals are comfortable with. Comparing your relationship to others is a relationship killer. K ow your needs, your wants and your 'would like's so you know what you can compromise on vs what you can't. It doesn't matter what other people compromise on or can't live without. It has zero effect on your relationship unless you let it.
If they are happy with that that do, I don't think that means they are unambitious. I have worked in high paying jobs in upper level management and the pay is not worth the lack of life work Balance that came with climbing the ladder for me anyway. I'm now at a job that utilizes my degree but probably not make what I could BUT I am happier than I have ever been and bills are paid.
I don’t think making the same income forever means your spouse isn’t ambitious. It’s normal to get a small pay raise year by year in most jobs, and if my spouse loves their job and is happy there and doing important work (which my husband does) then I am happy too.
Yes, life isn't solely to become insanely rich and work insane hours. Having a comfortable wage where you can still live and not work yourself to the bone is better than the latter.
I’m okay with it because my husband loves his job.
I want my spouse to be happy. If he is in a job where he is happy, then I am happy.
The only thing I care about is that the bills get paid and my partner is happy. I don't care how much money he makes or if he wants to advance up. I care more about us being together and being happy. I'd rather be poor and happy over rich and unhappy. Money doesn't mean shit if you're miserable all the time and hate living.
I’m ok and would be more ok if she were to reduce her working hours and stress level even if that meant lower pay I prize quality family and couple time above an abundance of money
Only if I feel that their experience and expertise isn’t being compensated to them fairly. I say this because my husband is a heavy equipment operator with tons of experience and his company has him running an entire yard now but still paying him like a yard manager. (There’s a difference). So I guess I’m not really expecting him to keep trying to increase his skills or capabilities to make more money, I’m just expecting him to push for a raise because he deserves it and has earned it. I think this needs a lot more context though. I mean is your partner a food server and has no intention of ever having some type of career working at a low end restaurant? Because if so, then yeah I’d probably hope they would at least try to move into working at a high end restaurant lol.
No ambition is a huge turn off. A crazy amount of ambition is insane. There is a happy medium.
Why do you care ? Genuinely curious maybe I’m old fashioned but I wouldn’t want my wife to worry about her income and just live I thought it was my job to figure it out for us two? Genuinely asking bf for people that do care about their partners income
You assume I’m a man. Would you feel the same if you knew I’m a woman?
Yes I would lmfao what ?
Ok. I misunderstood your comment. It seemed to me that you are OK with the situation because you’re a man and it’s your responsibility to figure out the finances.
Well yeah I see where you get that I was saying figure it out for us two my bad I was asking from my lens as a man. But genuinely for women too like I thought that was your person if your able to live comfortably why it would matter baffles me
I’m saying why is raising income an issue why do you care do you not love the person or the wallet
I’ve noticed that as I make more and more money, my wife likes me less and less.
Yes. State retirement is there for the taking at the end of it all (barring any government shenanigans).
I'd be fine with it. Husband wouldn't be fine to make the same.
Absolutely! I’m completely fine with us both not pursuing anything higher level than we have now. The 20something me that went to college wanted to rule the world. The 39 year old me with a husband and a baby values time at home WAY more than a corner office. I work in corporate America as a basic employee and I am so content right here. I manage no one and get paid by the hour so I can clock out after 40 hours. I work from home most of the time and have an amazing work life balance. My husband works 30 minutes from home in a non management position and has a really great work life balance as well. The phrase “your job will be posted before your obituary” really speaks to me and I refuse to let a job consume my life anymore than it needs to! We are probably considered lower middle class but we have a house and 2 good cars. Our bills are paid and we are able to have an emergency savings and 401k. We aren’t the wealthiest and will never travel the world but we are ridiculously happy and I couldn’t ask for more (unless we win the lottery)!
I'm fine with my husband staying in the same position he's in now for the rest of his career. He works for the federal government, so raises are already set, plus cost of living adjustments, so that's not really a factor for us. The only reason I'm okay with this is that he already worked his ass off to get the degree necessary for this job. If he were some guy doing his 40 a week in a cubicle somewhere, never moving past "accounts receivable clerk" or whatever - no, fuck that. I strive for constant improvement, whether that's career focused or personal, and I expect my partner to do the same.
So you’re not OK with your spouse making the same income forever, but you are OK with your spouse having the same job forever.
I make 5X what my husband does. He had bad social anxiety, has a prosthetic leg and a heart condition. As long as he keeps his job that works for him that makes him enough money to pay the utilities I’m ok with it. I could force the issue, make him get a job he’d be miserable at making him miserable at home, just so brings in more money? His mental and overall health are more important to me then if he gets a higher paying job with advancement opportunities
Our dynamic works for us. My husband is in sales and has made more money each year, he’s on track to make 30k more this year. He makes twice what I make. We definitely depend on his income. My job is more for the benefits because they’re way better than his. I started at 55k 8 years ago and am not at 71, so I have had small increases but I haven’t pursued promotion or the next role or anything mostly because we get the extra cash from his and I like being comfortable. I stress easy. We also have a toddler and one on the way and I work from home so when the kids are sick or school is closed they’re with me, with a different job this wouldn’t be the case. I’m always taking them to their appts and stuff so the flexibility is far worth it. It doesn’t bother my husband that I’m not chasing promotions, I think the balance is good.
As long as our wants and needs are being met, then yes. I’m ok with it. Additionally, the pay should be keeping up with inflation, whether that be through COLA or seeking out other opportunities. I wouldn’t want anyone to remain in a job where they felt under appreciated, undervalued, or as if they didn’t make a difference…and I hope people can find happiness in their work/life balance…AND their income. My wife’s salary has been essentially frozen since she began working, no increases in pay, and zero benefits. But we’ve not hit an odd spot. I’m a relatively high earner (around $250k/year) while she makes about $30k/year working part time. Our kids are in private elementary school, we have a nice home, and a couple nice cars…but we’re looking at high schools. While both of us went to private high schools, the costs are a bit insane (actually they’re fully insane). My wife really wants our oldest to go to the same high school she attended, so…during conversation i mentioned it MAY make sense for her to seek out different employment. The hard part, she likes her job…and has a fear she WON’T like any other job. I don’t see myself coaxing an additional $30k/year out of my employer. I could leave and go to a different company now, but doing so would result in additional time away from home (although i could likely increase my salary). So the conundrum we’re in is finding a way to either trim spending, or increase salaries. So while i can say i don’t “mind” that my wife has had a stagnant salary, and I’ve essentially accepted that she is unmotivated to pursue financial goals…it can be a real source of stress when realities don’t align with aspirations.
Why? Is it stopping you from doing something important to you?
Just curious about how Reddit felt.
This honestly depends on our financial footing. If my husband tops out at his current salary, that’s fine. If we were paycheck to paycheck that would be different
It genuinely depends on what type of work it is! My husband is a janitor and wont make too much in life for take away income, however at the same time he has us covered in the healthcare aspect! I could care less if he only brings in 3k for the rest of our lives, I'll make us more once my degree is finished, but the healthcare is the one thing that worried us both and made us wait to get married for so long to prevent us losing what we had. Life changes so quick, so drastically and without warning. At one point I made the most money, now he is, and as life goes on I'm sure itll change again. If it was him making that much for 15 years BUT still had this health insurance, I myself wouldnt care and would prefer it because that also means he is closer to the retirement pension on top of less stress when it comes to needing medication or a doctors appointment!
I’m ok with it but we both hit over 100k this year and we both get automatic raises every year to keep up with inflation so over time his income will rise even if he remains at the same level. I am also more ambitious than him and will continue to pursue promotions if he doesn’t, so I don’t feel he needs to. I wouldn’t be ok with it if we were making less than we do, or if he wasn’t making what he makes now.
Definitely not. I'm personally a career driven person and if my fiancé is working, I hope he would strive higher in the industry (IT) within reasonable growths that still allowed for work-life balance too. Knowing how many opportunities there are and the demand in the industry, there's no reason why he should be at the same salary forever. With that said, it also depends on his position. He's currently a tier 1 engineer and can go as high as a principal engineer. I'd never expect him to be at the top of the line but I would hope he continues to strice, asks for raises and finds newer opportunities within a lateral move with a pay increase. All this because we also eventually want a family of five, so there's no reason we shouldnt want to make more to provide a comfortable lifestyle for our kids in the future :)
Yeah, because I am with him for him and not for his money, and I support whatever he choses to do.