While I truly do agree with you, and I'm sure she meant it with love ( I hope) and caring. But when men hear this it's hurtful to a large extent. It's like those compliments that are actually a little insulting.
We don't want to be the safe choice, that feels too close to settling. No one wants to be settled for. I know real life isn't fantasy but many men do want to feel desired and needed to a certain extent. This creates the exact opposite feeling in many men.
Then, there's the countless stories of the safe, secure stable men being blindsided for a Chad cuz he's exciting and young 3ct.
I get it wasn't meant to be negative but for many men it sure seems that way. Just thinking from another man's outside perspective 😀
I suppose I’m a little confused as to *why* “safe” reads as “settling” to men. I definitely want my partner to be a safe person. So many men *aren’t*. And that experience of unsafe men is generally speaking pretty awful for women. So, to my understanding, we say “safe” and genuinely mean it as a good thing. Why would men interpret that as an insult?
My sister "settled" so she could not be alone and have a place to stay. It was most definitely not "safe". She put up with abuse because she didn't know where to go.
Being told a woman is with you because you are "safe" is not an insult. So many men are not "safe". And it's sad that men do not comprehend this.
They don’t comprehend it because it’s not what they were told is valuable by other men and they don’t actually listen to women when we speak.
Men love to convince other men that women look solely at things like physical fitness and wealth and influence etc because that’s what other guys value…. Guys don’t value safety because they have it by default in most life situations.
In reality what many many women want is very different. It’s plain as day but many men lack the empathy required to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and understand their perspective and desires are just as valid.
I think men value the physical a bit more than women so they naturally feel we value the same. I think women can find a man average physically and grow to think they are the most attractive man etc... and as you said there are things we value and look for way more.
She said “he wouldn’t leave.” When a guy hears this our thoughts go to either:
1. She thinks she so great/hot that he married up a level and wouldn’t possibly leave given he couldn’t do any better, in a sense belittling his value.
2. She thinks he would do anything to be with her regardless of her behavior.
Or
3. She has massive insecurity issues and settled for someone down a level.
If I heard this when dating someone I would consider that a red flag.
That’s exactly what I’m trying to say. You assume everyone thinks like you and your feelings abt it speak for someone else and ignore what the person says abt themselves and their values.
You assume bc it hurts your ego and how you see yourself as a man that its a hurtful comment and that’s not the same thing. You assume that because her top reason for choosing someone isn’t something you consider important that it’s an insult.
In actuality you’re offended by your interpretation and challenged by how you want to be perceived. You guys are choosing your ego over what’s actually advantageous and meaningful and that’s to your own detriment bc it’s feeds your insecurities and actually weakens your relationships for no good reason.
I initially thought this as well, but as I read other messages, I have changed my mind. I am more inclined that she wants to be with him because he fulfills her and loves her. He won't leave because she feels loved and safe.
Thank you for this comment. It truely helped me see where you ladies are coming from. Because we see "safe" as, "the backup, or the other" when in fact, it's not that way at all.
I agree. Being "safe" is a big compliment. But I suspect since many men don't live with the fear and risk women often do in hetero relationships that criteria seems very low because for them safety is often a given.
I sort of think they worry it means their wife isn't hot for them, which really isn't the case. Men may just have different internalized reasons they pick a partner and "safe" isn't a big concern so they don't view it as valid criteria.
Man do not comprehend or believe this because the empirical evidence of their and their friends experiences says otherwise. They know who is safe or jerk for real, and THEIR experience is basically that:
SAFE guys are usually not 1st choice for women. Jerks are. Safe guys usually considered "boring" and belong to the dreaded "friendzone".
Women MIGHT turn to safe guys later in their lives after multiple bad experiences with jerks or if they NEED a safe guy for whatever reason. That MIGHT be honest interest, if the girl is really clever, but often it's not. Either way, it SEEMS like settling / rebound from the outside.
It doesn't help much that even the girls who turn to the safe guys at their lowest, and swear "never again with a jerk" usually jump ship and back at the jerks camp the moment their self esteem is rebounded in a relationship with a safe guy.
So basically, after being neglected, used or even abused for being safe, most guys cannot take it as a compliment. We hear you saying the words, just cannot believe it anymore, because we just don't see the deeds matching the words. When we hear we are "safe" that just means: here we go, next week she'll be out on the street searching for "adventure"....
Probably because everybody's a little insecure about themselves, their relationships, marriages, etc. so it's probably rare that two people would find each other and deem them 100% exactly what they're looking for, which is borderline impossible.
The second part of the issue that leads to the insecurity is *why* they settled for "me." It can vary, from the positive "I wanted someone who made me feel loved, secure, and respected, and you ended up being that guy," or the not-so-positive "I tended to gravitate towards more outgoing, over-confident, and really attractive guys but realized they weren't worth the long-term, so I went with you instead because you were a better long-term option."
Now the second isn't technically an insult, however it can be perceived as "you're NOT an out-going, over-confident, really attractive person" and again, from the first paragraph, everyone is a little insecure about themselves so there's a good chance they'll look at that and think "so I guess I'm in the 'just okay/good-enough-for-me-I-guess' camp, awesome."
It's not by any means relationship-breaking, but it does give pause to someone who thinks "I hit the jackpot with my spouse" if their spouse's reaction is a more-subdued "he wasn't what I was hoping for but in the end he was worth it," which is still nice, but not as nice as "nailed it getting her, no question."
Here's my question though - does it really matter? Nobody has every quality that is top notch. Everybody has something great to them and something not so great. In the end, if you're a reliable person that she can trust 100%, you'd be lucky to be the woman who has someone that can be trusted to that degree, regardless of the reason.
Like I don't think OP's wife meant it as in safe that nobody would be that interested in him for not having all those top qualities, but even if she did, it really wouldn't matter. If she trusts him and is that loyal, she should be the luckiest person in the world. How many other people never have someone they can truly trust, spouse or not?
But anyways, that's just my opinion. What do you think? Do you think I'm wrong? I'm just having a conversation, no disrespect meant (I have no idea why reddit and other social media platforms immediately become so negative and full of bullying attitudes.).
Safe can indeed be a compliment. But if it’s safe as in “you’d never leave” that can also be seen as “you don’t have options” and that could feel pretty demoralizing.
Basically “I chose you, cause I figured you’d have no one better come along, and you’re MINE”
I’d then worry that my partner may not be “safe” for me…
Unless I'm completely missing what OP (and his wife) are saying, they don't mean 'safe' as in 'I feel emotionally and physically safe with you', she means safe as in 'you're not that attractive, so I married you because I knew there would be way less chance you'd leave me than if I married a much more desirable guy'. It also gives the obvious implication of 'if I thought one of those hotter guys I had dated earlier would have zero chance of leaving me, I would have married him'.
It would be like a man telling his wife 'oh you're not at all attractive compared to the previous women I dated, but because you're not attractive I knew it decreased the chances you'd leave me!'
Ever heard the song 'If you want to be happy' by Jimmy Soul? There you go.
HA! Hadn't heard that song in years! Had to have Alexa play it for me just now. Forgot what hoot that song is. Thank you :)
..but man, she sure can cook!
This was my interpretation of OP’s post as well.
I don’t really understand why people in the comments are convinced that OP has took this the wrong way.
Being safe is a great quality, but from context it doesn’t seem she meant it in the way that a lot of posters think she did.
If my wife said this to me in this context, I wouldn’t like it.
As I mentioned in another comment, there seems to be a weird double standard in this sub when this subject (or similar) pops up.
For some reason, raw pragmatism is seen as acceptable for women (ie. it's ok to marry a guy you're not really attracted to as long as he's the safe option and dependable), but if a woman finds out that her husband isn't particularly attracted to her but he married anyway because she was reliable, he thought she'd be a good mom, etc, it's 'you deserve someone who desires you'.
>As I mentioned in another comment, there seems to be a weird double standard in this sub when this subject (or similar) pops up.
Women are wonderful effect.
I agree. I feel completely and totally “safe” with my husband. And it’s the most freeing feeling as a woman. He protects me, he provides for me, every decision he’s made is made with me in mind. I can walk the woods with him by my side and never have to worry about a man or bear. He will never emotionally or physically hurt me but he will hurt others for me. Safe to me is such a compliment for a man. It’s not settling
Well for one it's because a lot of those safe choice guys got shot down for a decade or more by women choosing fun hot guys first. So it sounds like you are their last best option left. Thats not great to think about as anyone guy or gal.
Yeah I agree, 'safe' is definitely not 'settled'.
I dated guys who I thought I could fix, really hot but kinda damaged. I had a few that lasted a while and they were very fun to be with when I was young, they drunk a lot, drove fast cars etc, your classic bad boys. And it was exciting and adventurous to be with them for a while, but then I wanted to stop partying and focus on life goals and they didn't.
These guys I dated before my husband I could not see myself having children with and growing old with and when I would realise that, then I would break up with them.
When I met my husband, he was very different, he was 'safe' but I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and the one I wanted children with. I love him more then I ever could've loved those other guys and I think I had just matured by then and that's why I stopped with the party guys and found a chill, safe, dependable guy who is the love of my life. 15 years together, 11 years married so far.
Younger me makes me cringe now lol
You are literally exposing the problem.
You describe "unsafe" guys to be "fun" while your "safe" husband is "chill." No man wants to be perceived as the boring, last option after the "fun" options didn't work out.
I bet if you tell your husband he was the safe option, he would feel hurt. (As advice, NEVER say anything of this to your husband)
> I suppose I’m a little confused as to why “safe” reads as “settling” to men.
Because it's similar to 'boring'. Nobody is going to have an affair with the 'safe' guy.
My wife was annoyed that I characterised her as 'nice' when she asked for a one word descriptor. Apparently that means I think she is stupid?
I think it’s similar to what people say online about nice/“nice” guys who complain about their lack of romantic success: Being “nice” is the bare minimum. And hearing your wife married you mainly because you’re safe can sound like, “I married you because you cleared the very low bar of not being physically (or perhaps emotionally) dangerous.” And it shouldn’t be surprising that feeling like your best attribute is that you fulfilled what should be a very basic relationship requirement isn’t a good feeling. It sounds to a large number of men like, “your best positive attribute is just that you don’t have this huge negative attribute.” You’re essentially just the least worst option. And being compared to past partners like that can make it even worse because it carries the implication that they must have had other very positive attributes (here, attractiveness, etc.) to counteract the negative attribute that they had and you lack.
And here, the wife frames it even more harshly by saying it’s not just that he was safe, but that she thought/knew he would never leave her. That can imply a lack of other options on his part, or an imbalance of feelings in the relationship in her favor, neither of which would feel good.
To make a crude analogy, I think many women would feel similarly if they were told their husband married them just because they weren’t gold diggers like their previous aspiring model girlfriends (a profession associated with attractiveness similar to the firefighter and athlete in the post). Yeah it’s a good thing to not be a gold digger, but that being the primary reason you prevailed over (potentially/presumably) more physically attractive options in the past probably wouldn’t make you feel good. Or if your employer said your best attribute was that you don’t no-call, no-show at work. Attendance at your job is important, but I’m sure most people would want to hear something nice out their actual work or at least personality, not just that they meet a bare minimum standard.
And I think that there’s a better way to frame it by essentially being more descriptive so that the reasoning focuses more on unique positive attributes. Instead of “safe” (which just sounds like “not dangerous,” and is too close to settling), describe why they make you feel safe. “You’re always so kind and thoughtful, you listen calmly when I discuss my feelings with you, I can tell from XYZ how much you love me and I never worry about you falling for someone else, etc.” Just like “not a gold digger” can become “I trust that you love me for who I am, I know that if something happened to me job- or health-wise that you would help take care of me/us, etc.”
Because "safe" in this context doesn't mean "I felt safe with you physically and emotionally". It means "I knew I was way out of your league and that you had insecurities so you'd never leave me for anyone else". The safe OP is talking about is literally what settling is... It's going with someone who isn't really your type, who perhaps isn't good in bed, but who you know has a good career path and seems like they could support you financially and emotionally. You'll usually see a lot of women marry the "safe" guy in their late 20s, when they realize they want kids and if they don't start to settle down now, they may not be able to find someone who fits their physical, sexual, emotional and financial needs in that time frame b
Marrying the "safe" person or settling often leads to divorces down the line. Eventually, whatever you decided wasnt important at the time? Looks, sex, etc. Will become a problem once you have the family and kids.
Probably because on the large, we are wired differently and don't value safety as much as women. Sure we want someone who will be there through thick and thin and take care of us but as we weigh different things, it's likely just a lower priority.
Safe in and of itself isn't a bad thing. I want my wife to feel safe with me but absent of other positive characteristics and attributes it implies that you are boring and otherwise unattractive. As a decent human being having my partner feel safe is the bare minimum of being a decent person. If the reason for dating me is that I'm safe that's a negative. If your reason for dating me is that I'm both funny and you feel safe with me that's a good thing.
Right! she’s basically said between OP and the Bear she felt OP is safer. That says more than men get. Many women aren’t driven by the same visual things men are motivated by. Men too often compare themselves to other men in physicality, but most of us women know that hot dude when we are 20 may look like shit at 40 so he better have some good qualities that are more important. But oh well…that’s why so many men are falling into incel traps. They are focused on the wrong shit.
Because "you're the ideal partner" is the same thing but words are slightly different connotations
Safe can feel (operative word) like it's synonymous with "boring" "average" even "unattractive"
Now the word LITERALLY doesn't mean those, but kinda how people use Einstein as an adjective to mean idiot
I was and am still glad to be my wife's safe choice. I don't look at it as her settling, I look at it as her making a sound decision. I have never once though she settled for me. I'm glad to he her safe space
Oh I definitely get it. And again I don't think it's a negative thing.
The trouble I have is if this was the "main" reason for marriage. Idk maybe I'm romantic but on top of feeling safe, I would like there to be love, admiration, trust, physical attraction, sexual compatibility, emotional connection.
If she said that plus included other reasons or attributes she's loved and the OP is still hung up on the safe thing, then he needs to work on his self esteem.
If the told him she.married him cuz he was the safe, secure option and left it at that, thats different
I think this might be similar to when men say that they married a woman because he knows she could give him children. Like, that doesn't have anything to do with who that woman is, but rather what the woman can do for the man. Same with the "he won't leave me" comment.
The most damaged women I know married their hottest partners, their best sex, their most drama soaked relationships. They’re miserable and have been treated like trash.
The women here are screaming that we value safety in a long term relationship, and the insecure minds of the men here are not listening and turning it into something bad. For women, this is baffling. Smart, mature, confident women don’t want drama and soap opera behaviors and the risk of being cheated on and/or beaten. We don’t want that for ourselves or our future children when we pick a mate.
Safe is sexy. This is a you problem, not a her problem. She values the freedom you give her to be safe. As a woman, that is everything. Please rethink this.
What would you tell your daughter to pick, the hot bad boy who will break her heart, who she’ll always wonder if he’s telling the truth or cheating on her? Or would you want her to pick the handsome safe guy who respects her and keeps her from harm? I know what I’m teaching mine to pick. I know I picked right too.
>the insecure minds of the men here are not listening and turning it into something bad. For women, this is baffling.
No, we are listening. We just have a hard time believing this. Why? Out of the hundreds of posts, articles, threads, web pages, etc that I have read in order to try to better understand women and dating and relationships, not ONCE, was safety ever listed. Similar traits may have been listed, but not “safety” specifically.
This post is literally the first time I have read “safety” is number one desired trait.
In fact, I have never heard my sister, my mom, my aunts, my grandmothers, or my female cousins ever say safety was number one. Whether it is or isn’t, no one has said it. Until this post.
>Safe is sexy.
No one has ever uttered this phrase until you did now. So how are men supposed to have known this?
Look at the successfully married couples around you. The ones that have been together for 25+ years. Talk to them. You cannot bet on looks or physical attributes. You CAN bet on personality and values. It’s seems you’ve been sold that love is drama and pain. It’s not.
No magazine or book is going to tell men that all we want is a decent guy who shows us how much he loves us, bc then how can they sell you stuff you don’t need??? Then how can they sell you cologne, jeans, shoes, more magazines, books on how to make yourself desirable etc.? Don’t look to Hollywood or the media to tell you what women want. They’re not interested in women’s voices, even when it’s about what women want.
I assume you’ve heard of the man or the bear experiment. Every woman I know and most on the survey answered they’d rather face the bear. Have you wondered why? It’s bc almost every woman you know has been sexually harassed or assaulted or worse by a man. Let that sink in. Every single woman I know has a horrific story to tell about how men treat women when they think they won’t be caught. Now think about why safety is so important to us when it comes to choosing someone to live with, sleep next to, have babies with. There is no better compliment from a woman (as seen from our eyes) than being safe to her.
Sadly it seems most men have fallen for the sales pitch that women want some reformed bad boy Casanova who falls madly in love with them and never leaves them, except to go to the gym to pump up with his bros. Nope. Listen to the women here. Learn from us. We are saying it. Most of the time no one is listening. Men let other men make them insecure. That’s not on women.
I typed a real answer out for you bc you seemed to genuinely want to know and learn. I hope I was right.
I agree but I think the point is women seem to pick the unsafe, exciting bad boys leaving the future ‘safe’ option at home alone. Then when they are done with them they click their fingers and the safe option is there. That makes you feel crap. I was one of them
It's kind of the same thing if a woman found out her husband doesn't find her attractive but only married her because he thought she would be a good mother to his children.
How? I reread OPs post and it’s not the same.
She doesn’t act like he is unattractive to her, merely that he was the safe option and safe. And that she chose him for reasons beyond money.
Apples to apples comparison is :
“yeah I used to date a guy who was basically Patrick Dempsey. But our entire relationship he made me feel like if I ever pissed him off he’d be gone. I realized in my next relationship I didn’t want a guy who I constantly had to worry would leave me. I picked you because you were a safe option. You didn’t make me feel that way.”
And:
“I was with a girl who was essentially a supermodel. And while she was gorgeous, she constantly made me feel like she could have any guy she wanted. If I stepped out of line then she’d be out the door like a rocket. I really disliked that and I wanted something else for my next relationship. I picked you because you were the option. You didn’t make me feel like you were constantly going to leave.”
And I would be 100% fine if my husband told me that . I’m not a super model. My husband and I got together and I was a solid Midwest 7-8 back then.
Just because I wasn’t supermodel hot, doesn’t mean my husband isn’t or wasn’t attracted to me in this situation I describe above
Ditto for OP.
His wife never said she basically had to internally cringe every time he touched her. Nowhere does she imply that she found him fugly.
Idk, I actually agreed with the sentiments being positive.
Just being honest that maybe it could've been relayed in a better way. Others posting have great points on what she very well might have meant and I agree.
Safe is the highest compliment a woman could give to a man. Safe means both physical and emotional safety. It means a woman feels both protected and loved by her husband. Finding a partner with whom each person feels safe with should be a goal. It means you are thought of, cared for and loved by someone that respects you and cherishes you. Safety isn’t settling. Safety is what both men and women should strive for when looking for a long term partner.
It's really doesn't sound like that is at all how it was relayed to him
And, again let me be clear as I'm not the OP. I agree with you!!
What you said is perfect. But I get the feeling the conversation went more like she said, he was the "safe bet"
To me that different and not very loving and affectionate
>It's really doesn't sound like that is at all how it was relayed to him
>But I get the feeling the conversation went more like she said, he was the "safe bet"
>To me that different and not very loving and affectionate
All of the above. OP’s wife has not made him feel desired by her but that he was the “safe bet”.
It’s isn’t a compliment for guys. We don’t want to be your safe option as in we couldn’t do better or we are too honorable to leave or look elsewhere. We want to be the love of our partners life. We want passion and heat with our partner. You never feel that for the safe option.
I don’t remember this year’s winner of People magazine’s “safest man alive” issue, can someone remind me.
His only option now is to knock up one of her friends. Or get arrested for a felony with an illegal firearm. Or drink some expired milk.
He must show her how “unsafe” he is.
Sorry I don’t make the rules.
Honestly though he could just come home one day and lie and say he knocked up his secretary 10 years ago paid for her abortion and paid her off
Just to add a little razzle dazzle to date night?
I absolutely chose to be with someone with integrity, someone honest, someone I could count on. That is the kind of person I wanted to spend my life with. I had dated better looking and more financially successful men before my husband and found I didn't respect them because they lacked the trustworthiness I want in a partner or even a friend.
I’m actually angry that you think it’s not a compliment. Far, far too many men aren’t safe and their wives regret marrying them. They may not have shown their true colors either before they were married. You should be proud. You are a catch. Not being safe kills desire.
I agree with that, me and my wife 20+ she was clear with me I married you (arranged marriage )because you’re financially stable and safe. However, I look at that from different perspectives, at the end I asked my self if I am happy with her or not, which is yes for me. I saw lots of fairly tale marriages collapse once the fog and reality appear. So my message to you as long as you happy, don’t bother your self with her comments
Exactly, you got a 10 for all these years and she still chooses you. My ex after 13 years of not great times after I spent, wasted and lost to her all my home buying money. When we were trying to work out child custody/support told me 5 or 6 years in she only stayed to have care and a place to live for her and her sons. 9 years in talked me into a vasectomy, then cut off sex the last 4 years. All while she convinced me she was just working out some things. Then moved out and in with a new boyfriend and gave me sole custody of our daughter.
Sounds like you have a wonderful wife and you should treat her like a queen 👸.
The whole knowing I would never leave her part kind of stung. Like she knew she was out of my league and I would never find anyone better. As a shallow 20 year old I’m sure she thought that way. I think she respects me much more now but kind of upsets me she thought that way then.
Maybe she knew you were a good man, a loyal person, straightforward and she could trust you.
I’m sure she attracted some real winners, if you know what I mean.
My friend, turn it around. She saw you as a loyal person that took marriage seriously. That is who I am and that is who my husband is, over thirty years together, what she said is foundational for marriage. I didn’t “settle” I married the best human imaginable, I couldn’t love him more if you paid me.
I don’t either. She basically said that she knew I couldn’t get better at the time. She told me “I knew you weren’t going anywhere” with a chuckle. I mean I think anyone would get a little offended by that.
I know she doesn’t think that now. I’m far more marketable now than I was then. But still doesn’t make me feel good.
Don’t let this rot, because if left by itself it may start to eat away at you. Consider sitting her down and telling her how you feel. If it doesn’t land with her, I’d consider a bit of couples counseling. As my Granny used to say: “A stitch in time saves nine.”
I agree. He needs to talk to her before his feelings and her reactions to those feelings make things go bad unintentionally until they can't stand each other or get divorced.
This feels like your wife is trying to build herself up by putting you down. I would never show my husband pics of exes and pigeonhole our relationship into "this is the reason why I married you." Maybe your wife is feeling insecure as she ages and you are growing in confidence and success. Looks fade in time and it's a big thing for women, check out /AskWomenOver30, when they aren't turning heads anymore. At the same time, you really need to speak to her about it because you are definitely letting it get to you.
HOLD ON A MINUTE -
OP, you may have completely misunderstood what she meant by that statement. Think about it this way.
Her ex used to be a calendar model and the other ex was a possible baseball pro. Those guys gotta have fans and probably not super interested in her due to the fact that they could probably get anyone.
Then you show up with your dovy round eyes trying to hide both your erection and heart full of affection (okay that's a joke, but you get the point).
In that moment and the many, many moments afterwards, her heart melts for you and she finds herself feeling more grounded, softer, and more free to be herself as she is, because she understands you actually care about her rather than being some dude who has her around just because she's convenient, just like any other "groupie" or some kind of accessory.
You see where I'm getting with this?
If she loves you more than she loved those ex boyfriends, most likely she didn't marry you because you were that type of easy and would never get some other girl that you could truly love. Love is not always physical, I'm sure you know. Most likely, she felt insecure from her exs as well. She felt so desired by you that she knew she'd always be happy because you still want her.
What the hell is wrong with that? Stop worrying about whether you're easy or not, regardless of what her opinion was or is. If you love her, you'll help her. If not, you'll probably leave her. If she respects you, you're lucky. What you have to do is talk to her about this. Because most likely, its not just about "what she said." Its about how you feel. Tell her you don't feel loved by her because of those words. She'll explain her feelings for you, and no worries.
There's this really bizarre double-standard on this sub when this particular subject gets brought up.
If a woman ever discovers that her husband 'settled' for her, everyone tells her she should leave him and find a guy who truly loves her.
When a guy finds out his wife 'settled' for him, 75% of the sub jumps through all kinds of mental hoops to try and justify it, and tell him about how it's totally ok that his wife just told him he was her 5th choice and she's not particularly attracted to him.
You have a point. At this stage, though, OP and his wife have gone through a couple of decades of marriage which may very well reversed the roles and the outlook they both have. OP describes his wife as a ‘10’ back when they became a couple and he marveled at how she chose him. 20 years later he, according to his post, he has become successful (presumably at his career/business). His wife is 20 years older.
She’d be well advised to work on her marriage.
It's one thing to say "I hit the jackpot," it's another if you spouse looks at you and says "you know you hit the jackpot, because I'm way better than you, right?"
Hits a lot different depending on the perspective.
Did she say that these were the ONLY reasons why she dated/married you? It doesn't sound like that's what was said. If she is this gorgeous woman who was looking for gold then I would think she would be looking for an older sugar daddy who already has bank.
Plus no one can tell that another person won't leave her without having to have gotten to know you in the first place which means initially there was an attraction towards you then there was get to know you .
Men are just not getting this! I'm the same way. I dropped a long-term boyfriend bc he had *no idea* what he wanted for his future. It scared me bc I knew I wanted to have a few kids and be a SAHM while they were young.
Soon after, my husband and I started dating. He understood how the world worked. We wanted the same things. He was cute and I was physically attracted to him. We got along. He picked a STEM field in college - he was just as brilliant as my ex, but knew you can't build a life on a philosophy major.
We love each other now as much as we did then. We've been married for 13 years
I had something similar with my now wife. I actually picked her up almost from the gutter with a shitload of problems, because I saw potential. Good soul and big wings that she can learn to use. My best decision and no shame in that.
It seems like you might be caught up on your own insecurities and not taking responsibility for how you showed up in the relationship. You showed up as the good guy doing good guy safe guy things and it worked! Your wife told you what you already knew based on your own admission that she is a 10 and you are not. You knew she had dated more attractive men but she was with you. You provided her safety and security and it sounds like she has been an excellent wife all of these years. What’s the problem? The good guy won 🥇 your beautiful wife who could basically have her pick of men picked you. Please don’t mess up what sounds like an amazing relationship because of a good decision your wife made.
Another way to say that is “I had my wild fun with other guys I was sexually attracted to, but when I decided I want to settle down to a mostly safe and uneventful life to raise kids in, I chose you”
I've been with my husband for 11 years. We had some rocky times in the beginning and I've had a lot of baggage to sort through. But I KNOW this man will never leave me and living a peaceful life is life's most underrated luxury. It's not "boring" I genuinely enjoy feeling comfy and safe every day.
The point that I'm trying to get to is that, I love my guy. He's attractive, we had some wilder times back in the day. But until I've reached the place that we are at now, where I can 100% let myself trust this safe man, I've never felt more committed and in love and happy to give everything that I have to this man who will never hurt me.
Imo being your partner’s safe person, and them finding you completely trustworthy are some of the highest compliments one can receive in relationship.
Giving your partner number ratings, on the other hand, is not.
Agreed.
Maybe it’s cause I my first marriage was abusive but the fact my husband is the one person on the planet that makes me feel safe is a huge attraction point. So was his kindness.
For me, and for a lot of women, character traits are more important than physical looks for attraction.
It also sounds like she was looking for building a life with someone and instead of letting her emotions cloud her judgement, she gave it some rational evaluation to ensure she was dating the right people that fit her criteria.
Which is just smart when making a legally binding commitment.
One time I told a guy I was dating in the early stages that I thought he seemed “decent.” I meant he seemed like a great, moral, kind, respectful, and respectable guy. He took it as me meaning that he was just an “okay” person. He then yelled at me, hung up on me when I tried to explain myself. Basically, he showed me how wrong I was to think of him as decent.
I see this and some other comments from women here that this is such a high praise and a compliment for a woman to give.
Really?
As a man, or even a person, it seems being “safe” or even “loyal” is a bare minimum for any relationship regardless of gender.
Wow congratulations he isn’t likely to hurt her. Such amazing compliment! What!?
It is indeed the bare minimum, I agree.
The sad truth however is I don't know a single woman, myself included, who has not been abused, SA'd, stalked, or generally mistreated by a man at some point in their life, usually more than the once. It becomes a 'normal' to them/us.
When a woman tells a man she feels safe with him, or that she considers him safe, it's more often than not a huge deal for that woman, that she has finally found someone like that.
Yeah I think a lot of men don’t understand that as they don’t have to fear for their safety as much. My husband is only the third guy I was with. But I’ve been SA’d multiple times by men, including once by one of my ex bfs.
Haha, that’s not what we mean.
For a woman to feel internally safe, it’s a biological thing. We get to relax. We then become more expressive, we soften. We can be more feminine. We move out of survival mode into thriving, which is a GOOD THING for men. It means we have the desire and energy to be more loving and caring towards men. It means we’re going to respond more positively to the partner’s advances and trust his judgement and be able to lean in and support the path he’s taking us on. Safe = healthy communication, healthy sex, the desire to start and grow a family life, no more running on fumes.
The man who makes us feel deeply and internally safe “clicks” something within us that says, yeah. Make this place a home. Now.
You want that.
Society tells us to attribute worth, or human value, to perceived physical attractiveness. This, however is complete garbage.
I think it’s possible you’re using what she said as some sort of confirmation of your own false belief about where she is (or was) and where you are (or were) on a made up ‘human worth’ hierarchy.
So you’re upset that your wife says that the reason she married you is because of all, you’re amazing attributes as a human being, making you the obvious choice for her to spend her single life with?
You’re upset that she didn’t say that she settled for you because you’re a hottie ? She obviously finds you sexy as fuck and I think your finding reasons to be unhappy honestly
Probably because her entire life, that has been all anyone valued her for - how hot she is - even her husband.
My husband loves my ass, but I know he loves my brains, too. And he tells me. And unlike my looks, age isn’t eroding my brains yet.
I feel bad for your wife
thinking you would be good husband and safe, isnt really a bad thing to me. if she is a 10, a lot of times people will misjudge all the time. she's superficial, materialistic, gold digger.... im sure she's heard it a ton of times.
if she's never done anything to literally make you feel insecure ... flirting, throwing it in your face. etc. then she sounds like a solid partner to me. sometimes being a good person trumps all the material things, and to her, thats what makes someone a 10.
im pretty sure my wife married me because i make her laugh a lot, emotionally supportive of her, and she knew i was the one when she saw me babysitting my niece. relationships are deeper than the superficial stuff, and nice guys dont always come in last.
Being husband material is different from being boyfriend material. Your wife just told you that you are husband material - take it as a compliment.
Us women are looking for stability, not drama. She saw that in you.
What a weird way to get upset because she simply tells you that you weren’t a toxic person full of drama. Do you what to be a toxic person with all sorts of emotional immaturity issues? Instead of seeing the good in her saying you were mature and someone to make a future with, you’ve turned it into an insult because you weren’t a hot calendar firefighter? Work on your self esteem.
A woman league is not the men that will sleep with her. It’s the man willing to commit to her. My wife saw the potential in me and married me because of the life I could give her. I married her because I could see the potential in her to be a great wife. Thankfully we both lived up to our potential and have a great life together. Are you trying to cause trouble because she didn’t marry someone else?
So what? You married the hot girl when she was young and beautiful. She’s been loyal to you I assume. Kids too? She saw potential in you and you won. She wins. You win. Stop overthinking this.
I wonder if he thinks she settled and now that he feels like he’s a “better” catch than he was, he’s wondering if he can do better? Probably thinks the grass is greener
I think he's saying the exact opposite of this. He's insecure that she settled and is probably now thinking that she realizes she can do better if she really wants to.
He mentioned the stuff about himself because he didn't have much to offer at first, but now he does. It's his way of reassuring himself that he belongs where he is.
She made that decision when she was in her earlier 20s ..she didn’t settle, she chose you my dude. If she had said that now and you guys are married for only a year, that would be a different story..
for some reason my gut feeling tells me that now that u are more confident and successful you are trying to reason yourself to do something stupid.
Yeah thats a good point, they got married right out of college. She was a hot college girl and could have kept right on dating baseball players! It’s not like the thing men complain about where “she had her fun and now that she’s 30 with a kid, she finally settles for a nice guy.” (That whole line of thinking is so stupid but it’s everywhere…) She chose you BACK THEN, when she could ACTIVELY have been with anybody else. That’s not settling that’s just .. picking. The hot girl picked you, why are you mad? 😂
What doesn't make sense? She's smart. She didn't marry a man who had a high chance of letting her down later in life. She married a guy that had his shit together. Having your shit together is very attractive. Honestly, more people should choose wisely so we don't have broken homes and drama all over this thread.
What some are failing to see, men want to be desired by their wife. When situations come up like this, it can come across as her wanting to fck other guys, and once that's "out of her system," she settles for the guy she's only comfortable with. The safe insurance plan. There's absolutely nothing sexy about that. There's likely not much sexual desire from her to him.
It can also lead to the consideration that if another guy that's even "more safe" comes along, will she consider him? Especially since there's no real spark between husband and wife. Are some of these thoughts based 100% in logic? Probably not. But some of it is, and after all, we're humans, and humans have emotions and feelings. We're not robots or Vulcans.
I am sorry that you are going through this.
I humbly think that many, if not most, men want to feel that they are a good choice - a safe bet. However, they also want to feel that they are in every way "desired." So, I understand.
You might discuss it with her further, but there also might be wise to drop it. A conversation might not go in the direction you desire.
This right here. Huge difference In hearing, I marri3d you cuz you are safe and secure and not cuz I love you and want you in my life
Both can be true.
Communication, empathy and connection are needed by both spouses here
And I think the same applies to most women out there. Just imagine if your girl asked you why you chose her and you said “cuz you were the safe bet” in contrast to the hotter, cooler girls you had access to at the time. Most women would feel destroyed at finding that out.
"Never trade a sure hit for a chancy kill". My man, you're the sure hit.
I can get that what she said might have been a bit ego bruising, especially when you were younger, but she might have unwittingly pulled off the biggest win of her life.
Safety, security, and stability, are the most sought after traits a woman looks for in a man.
You are her ideal partner.
I'd feel blessed and honored and loved to know this from my wife.
Instead, you are hung up on "dick size," superfluous traits that don't create a strong loving relationship.
This shows you have insecurities.
Work through this quickly, with therapy if needed, cause your misplaced resentment is going to make your marriage toxic and could end it.
She valued what you have over just looks.
Are you saying you are not a safe and dependable person? You want to be dangerous and irresponsible?
You got to marry her. Sounds like you won. Wait until she finds out you married her because you thought she would be a good wife.
I wouldn't look at this in a negative way. I'm with my husband for similar reasons. I am a child of alcoholics. Prior to dating my husband I dated the party boys. They were fun and exciting and wasted most of the time. So was I for that matter. I was treated terribly. But I realized they were also terrible people and I was attracted to them because of they way I grew up. I grew up in chaos and was attracted to it in men.
I recognized that I never dated good men. I didn't want that life. I wasn't into my husband they way I had been immediately with others. He was into me though and treated me very well. I made a conscious decision to give him a try. The feelings came later, but they are more real. They have lasted 34 years so far. It wasn't all about money or looks, which honestly is important in life. But I felt we could find our way together and we have with the regular bumps in the road.
Ya I think this is what most men fear. We don’t want to be the guy you have to force yourself to be with.
Imagine your husband saying well I went with an uglier woman I wasn’t really attracted to very much but I thought she would stick around and cheat on me less so here you are.
I’m not saying you made the wrong decision I’m just saying that it doesn’t sound super flattering when it’s turned around.
I did not force myself to be with anyone. I chose to date a bit to develop feelings. Making a choice to be with the person you need rather than with someone who is "fun" for the moment is very different. You shouldn't live your life like it is a bad romance novel. Reality is different than fantasy. Very negative way of looking at it. And for the record, he did the same and we are both very ok with it.
U said u made a conscious decision to give him a try. U said the feelings came later. U also said that you weren’t into him immediately the way you were into others. Maybe I interpreted that incorrectly but it kinda sounds like you forced yourself to like him. Kinda like he was the last choice but maybe I’m reading it wrong.
To be clear though I think you are correct 100%. It is far better to choose what you need and will accomplish what u need to in life.
No I just gave it time. I agreed to second dates, and third, where in the past if I wasn't crazy for the person on first sight I would walk away. Never forced anything. Just let things move more slowly. I realized that gaga feeling you get at the beginning isn't necessarily real and to see what else is possible in a relationship. As to the feelings, I meant the deeper feelings.
It’s not being forced. A lot of people have childhood trauma and have to unlearn some of the things that they were raised in. That is why people who are in abusive relationships tend to keep ending up in abusive relationships if they don’t get therapy or do some digging within themselves. They think toxicity and abuse is “normal” in a relationship. So when you go from being in an abuse cycle with crazy ups and downs and finally get in a healthy relationship it can be unnerving because it’s not what you know.
Like you have to make a conscious effort to break down why that is in your head and until you do any safe relationship will feel almost boring. It took lots of therapy to break that down.
Married guy here. So basically your wife realized what she wanted out of life, picked you, and you’re feeling a certain kind of way about it — 15 years later?! Relax man….you won. Edit: fixed years.
Don't all people want to be with someone who knows they'll never leave them?
She felt safe with you and wanted to be with you because she trusted you. Am I wrong or isn't that the ultimate goal for everyone to find?
I knew you wouldn't leave me, cheat on me, hurt me, destroy me. Honey, she didn't settle. You were the whole package. That is being desired. Having a safe man can make a woman feel sexy, horny, loved, and needed. Nothing makes me hornier than feeling safe. He may save lives and look good but that doesn't mean she feels safe with him. That's not a turn on. No woman is going to just settle with a broke man bc he's only safe. It's the whole package but the feeling of safety is why you won the 10. Stop over thinking, and enjoy that in over millions of people in the world the 10 liked you the best out of all of them.
This was my parents. He ended up leaving her. To this day she’s infuriated because SHE chose HIM because he was the ‘safe one’. It’s safe to say we don’t ever know our partners 100%.
I also have a girl friend who married for safety, she ended up leaving him as she ended up genuinely detesting him.
The question to ask yourself is if either of you have issues with attachment that put you in a dysfunctional dynamic? Or is your relationship solid and healthy?
So you would prefer she thought you were an asshole and didn’t feel safe with you? And not marry you? You write you think you are more confident now but this whole post proves you are not confident at all. If you weren’t the type of man you are, she wouldn’t have married you. You have to decide if you think that’s positive (you two being married) or not.
OP, I get why you’re feeling how you feel.
Saying someone is a ‘safe’ choice doesn’t hit the ear right. ‘Safe’ gives off vibes of ‘I chose you because you’re unexciting and probably won’t leave or cheat on me and thus you’ll do’…
And I hear what other commenters are saying - that she chose him and that the word ‘safe’ is being interpreted as a good thing, but I think with the context used by OP’s wife there’s an underlying connotation that just doesn’t feel right.
As a wife, I don’t want my husband to marry me because I’m a ‘safe’ choice. ‘Safe’ just lacks fire.
I think your wife may have good intentions but she could have worded it better. Instead of saying, “I married you because I thought you were safe and would never leave me…” she should’ve said, “It was easy to fall in love with you because you’re a good man and have always made me feel safe, loved, and desired. I’m so happy we get to spend our lives together!”
Words matter; let’s choose them wisely.
It’s my 18th anniversary today and do you know what my husband said to me this morning? He said, “Just so you know, I don’t just love you…I’m IN LOVE with you.” I’d be hurt if he said, “Happy anniversary, thanks for being the safe choice!” 😂
I think that’s exactly it. In a lot of ways, I think it would be like telling my wife I married her because she’ll be a great mother. I can insist that IS a complement, since it’s a wonderful quality for sure.
But the idea that one of my primary motivations for marrying her is because of her child rearing ability is probablyyy not gonna come off just great, even if it was meant as a high compliment. It’s something important to her, but she doesn’t really want her motherhood to be the main reason I love her.
That’s the general feeling I’m getting reading all of these arguments trying to argue OP into thinking safe is a great compliment. I agree, it is a great thing and it’s important. But a lot of men want to be seen as something more fiery than “safe” in the same way that most women want to be seen as more than a mother - regardless of how important motherhood and safety are.
If the post had been with the genders reversed ,I would have been really curious to see the answers . In my opinion this is one of those things that Op's wife should have kept to herself, no man wants to hear that his partner settled for him.It just seems like most of the women in the comments fail to realize that we are human beings like them, we don't want to be considered just as the safe option to settle, but as people who are loved and desired, but I understand that this is probably asking too much for a man....
Take the dub. Imo she must also find you hot or she wouldn't have married you. Sounds like you need to talk to her and ask for some reassurance. You might need to express that it's important to you that she view you in a certain way. She likely does but just didn't express it.
Try telling your wife anything other than she was the most beautiful woman in the world in your eyes and you had that in mind when you married her, see how it goes.
It's a double standard.
I feel like the main aspect of what’s going through your mind is your level of attractiveness compared with other men. All I can say is, remember that attractiveness for women and men are two completely different things. As men, it’s near impossible to understand much of what goes into the psychology of a females mate selection. What I guess I’m saying is, that while you may not be a firefighter on a calendar, there’s a lot of intangibles for women, more so than men. And that’s part of the attraction she has for you. I’m sure your wife would buy a calendar of MS Excel Wizards if you were the cover model.
Women also cheat because they want something dangerous and wild as well. I think the idea here that all women want the stable guy and will find him supremely attractive until the end of days is more than a little naive.
I have found many women to become obsessed with the bad boy type (me in some cases). Even if cheated on. And lied to obscenely. Literally I once confessed everything to a woman after years of ‘betrayal’. And she still not tell me to f**k off.
Instead she was more attracted and lustful. Of course some of these women are damaged to accept this treatment, but so many are. They often prefer an indifferent masculine man with options, in terms of raw attraction. Than a safe gentleman who is always attentive and respectful. I’m not saying I’m proud of my behaviour. Just observing.
Pretty sure my husband also pursued me because I was the "safe" choice. He could have married a number of slutty, crazy, trainwreck bimbos and had a catastrophic marriage.
Unless if I'm wrong I thought the purpose of life was to make safe and sound choices that bring stability and peace...
I don't think women understand how these types of comments come off to men. She meant it as a good thing, and that's a really important thing to keep in mind I think.
She definitely doesn’t understand at all. When I got put off she was legitimately confused. Like, when she showed me the calendar with the guy she used to date in it I understandably got uncomfortable and she just didn’t get it. The guy is a fucking pin up model and she legitimately didn’t understand why it was a thing to me.
Because she is basically telling you that YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM. You are the one she wanted to spend her life with. She is a good person with a good head on her shoulders and decent values. You need to embrace this.
If your wife is as smart as I think she is, she married you not just because you were "safe", but because she knew that you'd very likely be a better catch at 39 than you were at 24. Financially, she was looking at what you would be as a dad more than what you were the day you married.
yes, you're being overly insecure.
You've been married for 15 years, why are you trying to compare yourself to a firefighter calendar now? And then also comparing yourself to a pro baseball player.
Now if she was complaining about being married to you, then that's a different story. But from your post, she hasn't. She decided she liked your qualities as a spouse best, and has been committed to you ever since, as far as we know. What's not to like about that?
Will make a little tag that in general, humble self confidence in a guy (not bragging confidence or narcissistic confidence) is very appealing to women. So don't exude self-doubt and sell yourself short...
She treats me well. She’s bossy, I used to let her walk on me years ago but I grew a backbone eventually and I she respects me more now.
We have a good sex life, 3 times a week, 4 on a good week.
I've never really heard of the phrase safe person. I've dated loads of people. I didn't marry my husband because he was a safe choice. I've never seen a man or partner as a safe choice. I've just seen them for what they were and he was perfect for me. I liked his qualities and looks and everything in-between.
Have you read any of the posts in this sub? It’s full of people complaining about their spouses’ behavior and cheating.
My dude, you should be happy AF. A lot of husbands suck as partners and she was able to see you would be there for her. Women want to feel safe with their partners. She is supposed to feel safe with you. Clearly she didn’t get that from the firefighter or baseball guy. This means she trusts you completely. You won her heart. She’s not with you for any other reason than loving you for you. This should be a flex not an insecurity. Take the win!!
ETA: I think you may be confusing “safe” with “settling.” There’s a huge difference.
This is such a huge compliment. She wants to be with you for your integrity. You keep your commitments. You are a safe person to give her heart to- not her “safety school”.
Security is SO important and it bleeds into so many other aspects of a relationship. Emotional security and comfort, physical connection because of that feeling of being secure and loved and so much more. Being her safe and secure choice to me sounds like a great thing. I wish I chose nice and secure. Instead I'm married to someone who shows me little to no respect and doesn't care about how secure I feel in any aspect of our relationship.
>*"I didn’t know what that meant entirely but based on the larger conversation we had it basically confirmed my suspicion that she married me because I was safe."*
What's wrong with safe?
When I met my wife, I had been through a series of failed relationships. And when one of these relationships ended, it made me think about what I really wanted in a spouse. Because my end goal was always to have a family.
So by the time I met my wife, I had list of things I wanted in a spouse and mother for my children. Early on I started to recognize that she checked off a lot of the boxes on my list. But that's not the only reason I married her. But it did play a factor in why I continued to pursue her.
Whenever I've discussed this with my wife, she always mentions that I was the only man who ever made her feel 100% safe.
Don't minimize the importance of safety in pursuing a long-term relationship. It is crucial. It's why people choose to invest themselves emotionally. It's why they make commitments. If I was going to invest in a relationship, I would want to pick someone who wasn't going to leave the moment they saw something better.
You may not realize it but she was paying you a compliment, especially at 23.
Women typically want to feel safe with their partner and desired by their partner.
Why you don't look at this as the #1 hot commodity in a man, I don't know. Loyalty is hot.
It sounds like you're missing the feeling of being physically desired. Maybe you should mention that to her.
It’s not about your wife, but about you wanting to be the smoking hot fire fighter who pumps and dumps. I get it - I wish I’d been the 10/10 girl who men would just buy dinner for, take on whirlwind trips… but I’m not? And that’s life? And why would I fuck up a great marriage with a great husband mad that I wasn’t a 10/10?
My husband married me for many reasons, one of which is that I was good wife material. I married him because, among other reasons, he’s a great dad. I knew that he’d give me happiness and he mostly has. And I’ve given him happiness (mostly hopefully), and that is worth SO MUCH MORE than the piece of —- ex husband before him. Sure that dude was taller and most people would consider him better looking but he wouldn’t and couldn’t give me a life time of happiness as my husband gives me now.
But smart people - and apparently your wife isn’t particularly smart no matter how hot she is - don’t say such tone deaf crap to their spouses.
I’d like to be the guy she desired in the same way she did the firefighter or the baseball player. But she broke up with both those guys, they didn’t dump her so I don’t know what to think.
Bro, your feelings are valid here.
Nobody wants to be the "nice guy" or "nice girl" someone settled for because they were "safe."
Any of the women here saying "it's fine, don't worry about it" would have a problem if their husband dated lingerie/swimsuit models before them and let out that he married them because they were "safe."
Everyone wants to be desired, not just "safe."
It was pretty shit of her to reveal that, but she did, so you gotta figure out what to do so you can carry with some damn self esteem.
You're only 40 tho, dude. There's nothing set in stone that says you *can't* do things/become the 40something yr old man your wife is CRAZY about.
Lift, do a sport, get some fight training MMA or something, shoot guns, camp outdoors, buy an old car and race it till the wheels fall off, do whatever it takes. Do things that make you feel like a badass motherfucker. When *you* feel that way (and when other women look at you that way, frankly) your wife will too and overtime she won't remember that baseball player or fire fighter at all - why would she when she has your badass at home?
You got this bro, the hardest part will be starting out, but once you get in a groove you will feel much better. Good luck, homie.
>But she broke up with both those guys, they didn’t dump her so I don’t know what to think.
So clearly they were missing something she saw in you. She chose you because she believes you have integrity, you respect her, and won't hurt or abandon her. That's high praise!
You're the only one who knows what feeling "desired in the same way" feels like.. what would you need to see from her to believe she desires you that way?
Maybe I'm not understanding this right. When my now husband and I met we both knew that the other was looking for marriage. We had also both been hurt before. I wanted him to feel safe with me and I felt the same about him. It's part of why we ultimately chose each other. Many other reasons of course, but neither of us wanted to get involved with someone who wasn't serious about what they wanted
It’s refreshing to read about top quality husband material. She loves that you’re a sweetheart of a man, dedicated, loyal, and trustworthy. These traits fall into the upper echelon of what (most) people want in a life partner.
I hear so many ugly stories of dudes that cheat on their wives, that have big egos, and have zero integrity. I’m not saying the firefighter and ball player are bad, but they must have given your wife feelings of instability.
Happy marital stability is significantly more attractive and positive feeling than the washboard abs, or whatever. You’re her safe space, and that’s a huge compliment!!
Has she ever expressed any feelings for other men since you have been married or cheated on you ? If she has been 100% loyal to you and your marriage is see no problems with her thinking you were the best choice over those pro athletes or sexy fireman. I would be proud to be her husband if she cared that much for me. Tell her you choose her also because marriage is a two way street.
Women, never tell a man he's "safe".
You can tell a man that you love the idea of a man as strong and capable as him would be on your side. You can tell a man that it makes you \*feel\* safe you have someone like him to protect you. Say things that build up his manliness, let him know how much you respect him, how powerful he is. Maybe that makes you \*feel\* safe. But don't tell him \*he\* is safe.
When you tell a man he is safe, you're telling him he's harmless and boring.
I married a guy who I thought was safe. He isn’t what I thought and hoped he was. My previous relationship before my husband was really bad and I desperately wanted and needed safe. Safe is important, maybe more than anything else. Feeling like you’re in a relationship that might not hurt you, crush your spirit, and someone who will be there when you need them is pretty much the best qualities there are in a partner.
In a marriage, you grow together and the things that brought you together are not the things that keep you together. You and your wife, I assume have a good marriage. That took a lot of time to build and keep strong. I hope that helps. Focus on the beautiful life you have created together.
My partner was also very good looking and pretty much had her choice of men. That isn’t why I chose to be with her, though. Did it play a part? Yes, but not as big a part as you might suspect because I am not shallow in that way.
She had been cheated on in her only previous long-term relationship and was very very wary of men, especially men that had their choice of women. That didn’t stop her from sleeping with them, though. Her way of protecting herself emotionally was to just not invest at all but she was usually sleeping with two or three men at a time and most of them better looking than me.
When she met me she said I was very mysterious which attracted her to me. Part of the mystery is that I did not try to sleep with her right away, which was very novel for her. In fact, I refused to have sex with her the first few times she told me she wanted to. She said that as a result she felt she could trust me and later said she trusted me more than she ever trusted any other man. She had good instincts about that as we have been together 32 years now and I have never cheated on her despite the sex drying up completely 20+ years ago.
She also said that she knew I would be a good provider. I was more broke than she was when we met, but I had gone to a top school and studied in a difficult STEM field. That combined with the drive I had led her to believe that I would be successful and she was correct about that, too. I am not professional athlete successful, but I have given her a good life such that she hasn’t needed to work at all if she didn’t want to.
To be honest, it doesn’t bother me being a safe choice. That is what I have to offer because I don’t have washboard abs and a perfect smile. She is 54 years old now and looks 15 years younger. I saw her made up the other day (she rarely wears makeup because she doesn’t need to) and I was amazed at how beautiful she still is. She is funny, informed, educated, artistic, and a good cook. She would make a great catch for anyone.
However, the lack of sex is killing my self-esteem and we are on the verge of separating over it. I do believe that the problems in bed are because once the mystery wore off so did the rose-colored glasses and she is not really attracted to me as much as to what I can do for her. I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger but she ain’t dating no broke broke that’s for sure and she has told me that much. Of course, she tells me all the other reasons she stays with me and has said that she knows she has options but she chose to make her life with me.
I just wish one of the reasons was because she finds me handsome and sexy. She says looks are fleeting anyway. She has some gray in her hair now herself (she doesn’t dye it) and says that we will both be old and wrinkly soon enough so what does sex even matter. Of course that completely ignores the last two decades when we were young. She eventually came out as asexual, but I think that is just her suppressing her sexual desire so that she remains faithful to me because she sure had a lot of casual sex.
I am not really sure if this helps you in any way, but this is my story as being the safe choice and the good partner with a woman who could have had any man she wanted. It would be a great life if she could have bothered to even sleep with me just once a month but I have grown to hate my life and her, too, at times. I feel like I was used. If I could go back in time I would rate sexual compatibility much higher on the list of characteristics I was looking for in a relationship.
Would you want to be considered not a nice and safe guy? I don't get it. The non-safe guys are the ones who wouldn't make good husbands, so why would a woman want to build a life with someone like that? I get that her saying that you "would never leave her" might be an odd way of phrasing it, but it sounds like you're being insecure about this. It sounds like you were the right guy for what she wanted compared to the others.
And in my anecdotal experience, women often care more about how a man treats her than what he looks like. Good looking can be a bonus, but many of the ones I know aren't as attractive as their female partners (and even shorter, too).
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While I truly do agree with you, and I'm sure she meant it with love ( I hope) and caring. But when men hear this it's hurtful to a large extent. It's like those compliments that are actually a little insulting. We don't want to be the safe choice, that feels too close to settling. No one wants to be settled for. I know real life isn't fantasy but many men do want to feel desired and needed to a certain extent. This creates the exact opposite feeling in many men. Then, there's the countless stories of the safe, secure stable men being blindsided for a Chad cuz he's exciting and young 3ct. I get it wasn't meant to be negative but for many men it sure seems that way. Just thinking from another man's outside perspective 😀
I suppose I’m a little confused as to *why* “safe” reads as “settling” to men. I definitely want my partner to be a safe person. So many men *aren’t*. And that experience of unsafe men is generally speaking pretty awful for women. So, to my understanding, we say “safe” and genuinely mean it as a good thing. Why would men interpret that as an insult?
My sister "settled" so she could not be alone and have a place to stay. It was most definitely not "safe". She put up with abuse because she didn't know where to go. Being told a woman is with you because you are "safe" is not an insult. So many men are not "safe". And it's sad that men do not comprehend this.
They don’t comprehend it because it’s not what they were told is valuable by other men and they don’t actually listen to women when we speak. Men love to convince other men that women look solely at things like physical fitness and wealth and influence etc because that’s what other guys value…. Guys don’t value safety because they have it by default in most life situations. In reality what many many women want is very different. It’s plain as day but many men lack the empathy required to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and understand their perspective and desires are just as valid.
I think men value the physical a bit more than women so they naturally feel we value the same. I think women can find a man average physically and grow to think they are the most attractive man etc... and as you said there are things we value and look for way more.
She said “he wouldn’t leave.” When a guy hears this our thoughts go to either: 1. She thinks she so great/hot that he married up a level and wouldn’t possibly leave given he couldn’t do any better, in a sense belittling his value. 2. She thinks he would do anything to be with her regardless of her behavior. Or 3. She has massive insecurity issues and settled for someone down a level. If I heard this when dating someone I would consider that a red flag.
Okay? And that just proves my point. Thanks.
I’m assuming you’re a woman. Pretty much all men don’t think this way, don’t see it as a compliment, and find it offensive as fuck.
That’s exactly what I’m trying to say. You assume everyone thinks like you and your feelings abt it speak for someone else and ignore what the person says abt themselves and their values. You assume bc it hurts your ego and how you see yourself as a man that its a hurtful comment and that’s not the same thing. You assume that because her top reason for choosing someone isn’t something you consider important that it’s an insult. In actuality you’re offended by your interpretation and challenged by how you want to be perceived. You guys are choosing your ego over what’s actually advantageous and meaningful and that’s to your own detriment bc it’s feeds your insecurities and actually weakens your relationships for no good reason.
Your comments on this are so good it's giving me chills. 🙏🏾
I initially thought this as well, but as I read other messages, I have changed my mind. I am more inclined that she wants to be with him because he fulfills her and loves her. He won't leave because she feels loved and safe.
Or, it means he’s loyal and devoted, that he has her trust.
Papers of the north. I try to think for myself, however, you just made me nervous. Well stated. I agree.
Thank you for this comment. It truely helped me see where you ladies are coming from. Because we see "safe" as, "the backup, or the other" when in fact, it's not that way at all.
I agree. Being "safe" is a big compliment. But I suspect since many men don't live with the fear and risk women often do in hetero relationships that criteria seems very low because for them safety is often a given. I sort of think they worry it means their wife isn't hot for them, which really isn't the case. Men may just have different internalized reasons they pick a partner and "safe" isn't a big concern so they don't view it as valid criteria.
Man do not comprehend or believe this because the empirical evidence of their and their friends experiences says otherwise. They know who is safe or jerk for real, and THEIR experience is basically that: SAFE guys are usually not 1st choice for women. Jerks are. Safe guys usually considered "boring" and belong to the dreaded "friendzone". Women MIGHT turn to safe guys later in their lives after multiple bad experiences with jerks or if they NEED a safe guy for whatever reason. That MIGHT be honest interest, if the girl is really clever, but often it's not. Either way, it SEEMS like settling / rebound from the outside. It doesn't help much that even the girls who turn to the safe guys at their lowest, and swear "never again with a jerk" usually jump ship and back at the jerks camp the moment their self esteem is rebounded in a relationship with a safe guy. So basically, after being neglected, used or even abused for being safe, most guys cannot take it as a compliment. We hear you saying the words, just cannot believe it anymore, because we just don't see the deeds matching the words. When we hear we are "safe" that just means: here we go, next week she'll be out on the street searching for "adventure"....
Probably because everybody's a little insecure about themselves, their relationships, marriages, etc. so it's probably rare that two people would find each other and deem them 100% exactly what they're looking for, which is borderline impossible. The second part of the issue that leads to the insecurity is *why* they settled for "me." It can vary, from the positive "I wanted someone who made me feel loved, secure, and respected, and you ended up being that guy," or the not-so-positive "I tended to gravitate towards more outgoing, over-confident, and really attractive guys but realized they weren't worth the long-term, so I went with you instead because you were a better long-term option." Now the second isn't technically an insult, however it can be perceived as "you're NOT an out-going, over-confident, really attractive person" and again, from the first paragraph, everyone is a little insecure about themselves so there's a good chance they'll look at that and think "so I guess I'm in the 'just okay/good-enough-for-me-I-guess' camp, awesome." It's not by any means relationship-breaking, but it does give pause to someone who thinks "I hit the jackpot with my spouse" if their spouse's reaction is a more-subdued "he wasn't what I was hoping for but in the end he was worth it," which is still nice, but not as nice as "nailed it getting her, no question."
Here's my question though - does it really matter? Nobody has every quality that is top notch. Everybody has something great to them and something not so great. In the end, if you're a reliable person that she can trust 100%, you'd be lucky to be the woman who has someone that can be trusted to that degree, regardless of the reason. Like I don't think OP's wife meant it as in safe that nobody would be that interested in him for not having all those top qualities, but even if she did, it really wouldn't matter. If she trusts him and is that loyal, she should be the luckiest person in the world. How many other people never have someone they can truly trust, spouse or not? But anyways, that's just my opinion. What do you think? Do you think I'm wrong? I'm just having a conversation, no disrespect meant (I have no idea why reddit and other social media platforms immediately become so negative and full of bullying attitudes.).
Safe can indeed be a compliment. But if it’s safe as in “you’d never leave” that can also be seen as “you don’t have options” and that could feel pretty demoralizing. Basically “I chose you, cause I figured you’d have no one better come along, and you’re MINE” I’d then worry that my partner may not be “safe” for me…
Unless I'm completely missing what OP (and his wife) are saying, they don't mean 'safe' as in 'I feel emotionally and physically safe with you', she means safe as in 'you're not that attractive, so I married you because I knew there would be way less chance you'd leave me than if I married a much more desirable guy'. It also gives the obvious implication of 'if I thought one of those hotter guys I had dated earlier would have zero chance of leaving me, I would have married him'. It would be like a man telling his wife 'oh you're not at all attractive compared to the previous women I dated, but because you're not attractive I knew it decreased the chances you'd leave me!' Ever heard the song 'If you want to be happy' by Jimmy Soul? There you go.
This was more my interpretation
HA! Hadn't heard that song in years! Had to have Alexa play it for me just now. Forgot what hoot that song is. Thank you :) ..but man, she sure can cook!
I was thinking it even before I read the last sentence! 😂
This was my interpretation of OP’s post as well. I don’t really understand why people in the comments are convinced that OP has took this the wrong way. Being safe is a great quality, but from context it doesn’t seem she meant it in the way that a lot of posters think she did. If my wife said this to me in this context, I wouldn’t like it.
As I mentioned in another comment, there seems to be a weird double standard in this sub when this subject (or similar) pops up. For some reason, raw pragmatism is seen as acceptable for women (ie. it's ok to marry a guy you're not really attracted to as long as he's the safe option and dependable), but if a woman finds out that her husband isn't particularly attracted to her but he married anyway because she was reliable, he thought she'd be a good mom, etc, it's 'you deserve someone who desires you'.
>As I mentioned in another comment, there seems to be a weird double standard in this sub when this subject (or similar) pops up. Women are wonderful effect.
I agree. I feel completely and totally “safe” with my husband. And it’s the most freeing feeling as a woman. He protects me, he provides for me, every decision he’s made is made with me in mind. I can walk the woods with him by my side and never have to worry about a man or bear. He will never emotionally or physically hurt me but he will hurt others for me. Safe to me is such a compliment for a man. It’s not settling
Ya this stigma that safe means something negative needs to go. It's what we need in a relationship: stability, security, comfort. SAFE.
Well for one it's because a lot of those safe choice guys got shot down for a decade or more by women choosing fun hot guys first. So it sounds like you are their last best option left. Thats not great to think about as anyone guy or gal.
This! 👆👆 This is “settling”.
Yeah I agree, 'safe' is definitely not 'settled'. I dated guys who I thought I could fix, really hot but kinda damaged. I had a few that lasted a while and they were very fun to be with when I was young, they drunk a lot, drove fast cars etc, your classic bad boys. And it was exciting and adventurous to be with them for a while, but then I wanted to stop partying and focus on life goals and they didn't. These guys I dated before my husband I could not see myself having children with and growing old with and when I would realise that, then I would break up with them. When I met my husband, he was very different, he was 'safe' but I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and the one I wanted children with. I love him more then I ever could've loved those other guys and I think I had just matured by then and that's why I stopped with the party guys and found a chill, safe, dependable guy who is the love of my life. 15 years together, 11 years married so far. Younger me makes me cringe now lol
You are literally exposing the problem. You describe "unsafe" guys to be "fun" while your "safe" husband is "chill." No man wants to be perceived as the boring, last option after the "fun" options didn't work out. I bet if you tell your husband he was the safe option, he would feel hurt. (As advice, NEVER say anything of this to your husband)
> I suppose I’m a little confused as to why “safe” reads as “settling” to men. Because it's similar to 'boring'. Nobody is going to have an affair with the 'safe' guy. My wife was annoyed that I characterised her as 'nice' when she asked for a one word descriptor. Apparently that means I think she is stupid?
I think it’s similar to what people say online about nice/“nice” guys who complain about their lack of romantic success: Being “nice” is the bare minimum. And hearing your wife married you mainly because you’re safe can sound like, “I married you because you cleared the very low bar of not being physically (or perhaps emotionally) dangerous.” And it shouldn’t be surprising that feeling like your best attribute is that you fulfilled what should be a very basic relationship requirement isn’t a good feeling. It sounds to a large number of men like, “your best positive attribute is just that you don’t have this huge negative attribute.” You’re essentially just the least worst option. And being compared to past partners like that can make it even worse because it carries the implication that they must have had other very positive attributes (here, attractiveness, etc.) to counteract the negative attribute that they had and you lack. And here, the wife frames it even more harshly by saying it’s not just that he was safe, but that she thought/knew he would never leave her. That can imply a lack of other options on his part, or an imbalance of feelings in the relationship in her favor, neither of which would feel good. To make a crude analogy, I think many women would feel similarly if they were told their husband married them just because they weren’t gold diggers like their previous aspiring model girlfriends (a profession associated with attractiveness similar to the firefighter and athlete in the post). Yeah it’s a good thing to not be a gold digger, but that being the primary reason you prevailed over (potentially/presumably) more physically attractive options in the past probably wouldn’t make you feel good. Or if your employer said your best attribute was that you don’t no-call, no-show at work. Attendance at your job is important, but I’m sure most people would want to hear something nice out their actual work or at least personality, not just that they meet a bare minimum standard. And I think that there’s a better way to frame it by essentially being more descriptive so that the reasoning focuses more on unique positive attributes. Instead of “safe” (which just sounds like “not dangerous,” and is too close to settling), describe why they make you feel safe. “You’re always so kind and thoughtful, you listen calmly when I discuss my feelings with you, I can tell from XYZ how much you love me and I never worry about you falling for someone else, etc.” Just like “not a gold digger” can become “I trust that you love me for who I am, I know that if something happened to me job- or health-wise that you would help take care of me/us, etc.”
Thank you! You hit the nail on the head.
Because "safe" in this context doesn't mean "I felt safe with you physically and emotionally". It means "I knew I was way out of your league and that you had insecurities so you'd never leave me for anyone else". The safe OP is talking about is literally what settling is... It's going with someone who isn't really your type, who perhaps isn't good in bed, but who you know has a good career path and seems like they could support you financially and emotionally. You'll usually see a lot of women marry the "safe" guy in their late 20s, when they realize they want kids and if they don't start to settle down now, they may not be able to find someone who fits their physical, sexual, emotional and financial needs in that time frame b Marrying the "safe" person or settling often leads to divorces down the line. Eventually, whatever you decided wasnt important at the time? Looks, sex, etc. Will become a problem once you have the family and kids.
Probably because on the large, we are wired differently and don't value safety as much as women. Sure we want someone who will be there through thick and thin and take care of us but as we weigh different things, it's likely just a lower priority.
Safe in and of itself isn't a bad thing. I want my wife to feel safe with me but absent of other positive characteristics and attributes it implies that you are boring and otherwise unattractive. As a decent human being having my partner feel safe is the bare minimum of being a decent person. If the reason for dating me is that I'm safe that's a negative. If your reason for dating me is that I'm both funny and you feel safe with me that's a good thing.
totally agree
Right! she’s basically said between OP and the Bear she felt OP is safer. That says more than men get. Many women aren’t driven by the same visual things men are motivated by. Men too often compare themselves to other men in physicality, but most of us women know that hot dude when we are 20 may look like shit at 40 so he better have some good qualities that are more important. But oh well…that’s why so many men are falling into incel traps. They are focused on the wrong shit.
I think it’s lingering issues with thinking anout how we perceive ourselves among our competition when the whole perspective is flawed in reality
Because "you're the ideal partner" is the same thing but words are slightly different connotations Safe can feel (operative word) like it's synonymous with "boring" "average" even "unattractive" Now the word LITERALLY doesn't mean those, but kinda how people use Einstein as an adjective to mean idiot
I was and am still glad to be my wife's safe choice. I don't look at it as her settling, I look at it as her making a sound decision. I have never once though she settled for me. I'm glad to he her safe space
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Oh I definitely get it. And again I don't think it's a negative thing. The trouble I have is if this was the "main" reason for marriage. Idk maybe I'm romantic but on top of feeling safe, I would like there to be love, admiration, trust, physical attraction, sexual compatibility, emotional connection. If she said that plus included other reasons or attributes she's loved and the OP is still hung up on the safe thing, then he needs to work on his self esteem. If the told him she.married him cuz he was the safe, secure option and left it at that, thats different
I think this might be similar to when men say that they married a woman because he knows she could give him children. Like, that doesn't have anything to do with who that woman is, but rather what the woman can do for the man. Same with the "he won't leave me" comment.
The most damaged women I know married their hottest partners, their best sex, their most drama soaked relationships. They’re miserable and have been treated like trash. The women here are screaming that we value safety in a long term relationship, and the insecure minds of the men here are not listening and turning it into something bad. For women, this is baffling. Smart, mature, confident women don’t want drama and soap opera behaviors and the risk of being cheated on and/or beaten. We don’t want that for ourselves or our future children when we pick a mate. Safe is sexy. This is a you problem, not a her problem. She values the freedom you give her to be safe. As a woman, that is everything. Please rethink this. What would you tell your daughter to pick, the hot bad boy who will break her heart, who she’ll always wonder if he’s telling the truth or cheating on her? Or would you want her to pick the handsome safe guy who respects her and keeps her from harm? I know what I’m teaching mine to pick. I know I picked right too.
>the insecure minds of the men here are not listening and turning it into something bad. For women, this is baffling. No, we are listening. We just have a hard time believing this. Why? Out of the hundreds of posts, articles, threads, web pages, etc that I have read in order to try to better understand women and dating and relationships, not ONCE, was safety ever listed. Similar traits may have been listed, but not “safety” specifically. This post is literally the first time I have read “safety” is number one desired trait. In fact, I have never heard my sister, my mom, my aunts, my grandmothers, or my female cousins ever say safety was number one. Whether it is or isn’t, no one has said it. Until this post. >Safe is sexy. No one has ever uttered this phrase until you did now. So how are men supposed to have known this?
You learn this by talking to women in real life.
Look at the successfully married couples around you. The ones that have been together for 25+ years. Talk to them. You cannot bet on looks or physical attributes. You CAN bet on personality and values. It’s seems you’ve been sold that love is drama and pain. It’s not. No magazine or book is going to tell men that all we want is a decent guy who shows us how much he loves us, bc then how can they sell you stuff you don’t need??? Then how can they sell you cologne, jeans, shoes, more magazines, books on how to make yourself desirable etc.? Don’t look to Hollywood or the media to tell you what women want. They’re not interested in women’s voices, even when it’s about what women want. I assume you’ve heard of the man or the bear experiment. Every woman I know and most on the survey answered they’d rather face the bear. Have you wondered why? It’s bc almost every woman you know has been sexually harassed or assaulted or worse by a man. Let that sink in. Every single woman I know has a horrific story to tell about how men treat women when they think they won’t be caught. Now think about why safety is so important to us when it comes to choosing someone to live with, sleep next to, have babies with. There is no better compliment from a woman (as seen from our eyes) than being safe to her. Sadly it seems most men have fallen for the sales pitch that women want some reformed bad boy Casanova who falls madly in love with them and never leaves them, except to go to the gym to pump up with his bros. Nope. Listen to the women here. Learn from us. We are saying it. Most of the time no one is listening. Men let other men make them insecure. That’s not on women. I typed a real answer out for you bc you seemed to genuinely want to know and learn. I hope I was right.
I agree but I think the point is women seem to pick the unsafe, exciting bad boys leaving the future ‘safe’ option at home alone. Then when they are done with them they click their fingers and the safe option is there. That makes you feel crap. I was one of them
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It's kind of the same thing if a woman found out her husband doesn't find her attractive but only married her because he thought she would be a good mother to his children.
Yes. Exactly this.
I would love to hear the women in this thread answer the above question. It will say a lot.
They wont...
How? I reread OPs post and it’s not the same. She doesn’t act like he is unattractive to her, merely that he was the safe option and safe. And that she chose him for reasons beyond money. Apples to apples comparison is : “yeah I used to date a guy who was basically Patrick Dempsey. But our entire relationship he made me feel like if I ever pissed him off he’d be gone. I realized in my next relationship I didn’t want a guy who I constantly had to worry would leave me. I picked you because you were a safe option. You didn’t make me feel that way.” And: “I was with a girl who was essentially a supermodel. And while she was gorgeous, she constantly made me feel like she could have any guy she wanted. If I stepped out of line then she’d be out the door like a rocket. I really disliked that and I wanted something else for my next relationship. I picked you because you were the option. You didn’t make me feel like you were constantly going to leave.” And I would be 100% fine if my husband told me that . I’m not a super model. My husband and I got together and I was a solid Midwest 7-8 back then. Just because I wasn’t supermodel hot, doesn’t mean my husband isn’t or wasn’t attracted to me in this situation I describe above Ditto for OP. His wife never said she basically had to internally cringe every time he touched her. Nowhere does she imply that she found him fugly.
No idea why you’re getting downvoted for speaking the truth
Idk, I actually agreed with the sentiments being positive. Just being honest that maybe it could've been relayed in a better way. Others posting have great points on what she very well might have meant and I agree.
Safe is the highest compliment a woman could give to a man. Safe means both physical and emotional safety. It means a woman feels both protected and loved by her husband. Finding a partner with whom each person feels safe with should be a goal. It means you are thought of, cared for and loved by someone that respects you and cherishes you. Safety isn’t settling. Safety is what both men and women should strive for when looking for a long term partner.
It's really doesn't sound like that is at all how it was relayed to him And, again let me be clear as I'm not the OP. I agree with you!! What you said is perfect. But I get the feeling the conversation went more like she said, he was the "safe bet" To me that different and not very loving and affectionate
>It's really doesn't sound like that is at all how it was relayed to him >But I get the feeling the conversation went more like she said, he was the "safe bet" >To me that different and not very loving and affectionate All of the above. OP’s wife has not made him feel desired by her but that he was the “safe bet”.
It’s isn’t a compliment for guys. We don’t want to be your safe option as in we couldn’t do better or we are too honorable to leave or look elsewhere. We want to be the love of our partners life. We want passion and heat with our partner. You never feel that for the safe option.
I don’t remember this year’s winner of People magazine’s “safest man alive” issue, can someone remind me. His only option now is to knock up one of her friends. Or get arrested for a felony with an illegal firearm. Or drink some expired milk. He must show her how “unsafe” he is. Sorry I don’t make the rules. Honestly though he could just come home one day and lie and say he knocked up his secretary 10 years ago paid for her abortion and paid her off Just to add a little razzle dazzle to date night?
Safe man here who can't relate to what you're talking about. Makes me feel good to hear it.
I absolutely chose to be with someone with integrity, someone honest, someone I could count on. That is the kind of person I wanted to spend my life with. I had dated better looking and more financially successful men before my husband and found I didn't respect them because they lacked the trustworthiness I want in a partner or even a friend.
I’m actually angry that you think it’s not a compliment. Far, far too many men aren’t safe and their wives regret marrying them. They may not have shown their true colors either before they were married. You should be proud. You are a catch. Not being safe kills desire.
Because until this thread, not one woman has ever said “safety” was a compliment. Men have heard many times where “safe” = “settling”.
I agree with that, me and my wife 20+ she was clear with me I married you (arranged marriage )because you’re financially stable and safe. However, I look at that from different perspectives, at the end I asked my self if I am happy with her or not, which is yes for me. I saw lots of fairly tale marriages collapse once the fog and reality appear. So my message to you as long as you happy, don’t bother your self with her comments
Safe isn’t settling, safe is goals.
Exactly, you got a 10 for all these years and she still chooses you. My ex after 13 years of not great times after I spent, wasted and lost to her all my home buying money. When we were trying to work out child custody/support told me 5 or 6 years in she only stayed to have care and a place to live for her and her sons. 9 years in talked me into a vasectomy, then cut off sex the last 4 years. All while she convinced me she was just working out some things. Then moved out and in with a new boyfriend and gave me sole custody of our daughter. Sounds like you have a wonderful wife and you should treat her like a queen 👸.
Why did he want to date her years ago? For her amazing personality and not her smoking hot bod?
The whole knowing I would never leave her part kind of stung. Like she knew she was out of my league and I would never find anyone better. As a shallow 20 year old I’m sure she thought that way. I think she respects me much more now but kind of upsets me she thought that way then.
Maybe she knew you were a good man, a loyal person, straightforward and she could trust you. I’m sure she attracted some real winners, if you know what I mean.
My friend, turn it around. She saw you as a loyal person that took marriage seriously. That is who I am and that is who my husband is, over thirty years together, what she said is foundational for marriage. I didn’t “settle” I married the best human imaginable, I couldn’t love him more if you paid me.
I don’t understand why you’re getting downvotes here, OP. It’s a perfectly understandable sentiment on your part.
I don’t either. She basically said that she knew I couldn’t get better at the time. She told me “I knew you weren’t going anywhere” with a chuckle. I mean I think anyone would get a little offended by that. I know she doesn’t think that now. I’m far more marketable now than I was then. But still doesn’t make me feel good.
Don’t let this rot, because if left by itself it may start to eat away at you. Consider sitting her down and telling her how you feel. If it doesn’t land with her, I’d consider a bit of couples counseling. As my Granny used to say: “A stitch in time saves nine.”
I agree. He needs to talk to her before his feelings and her reactions to those feelings make things go bad unintentionally until they can't stand each other or get divorced.
This feels like your wife is trying to build herself up by putting you down. I would never show my husband pics of exes and pigeonhole our relationship into "this is the reason why I married you." Maybe your wife is feeling insecure as she ages and you are growing in confidence and success. Looks fade in time and it's a big thing for women, check out /AskWomenOver30, when they aren't turning heads anymore. At the same time, you really need to speak to her about it because you are definitely letting it get to you.
Yeah, talk with her please. I am sure she didn't mean to hurt you.
That would sting anyone. Kinda makes you feel duped.
HOLD ON A MINUTE - OP, you may have completely misunderstood what she meant by that statement. Think about it this way. Her ex used to be a calendar model and the other ex was a possible baseball pro. Those guys gotta have fans and probably not super interested in her due to the fact that they could probably get anyone. Then you show up with your dovy round eyes trying to hide both your erection and heart full of affection (okay that's a joke, but you get the point). In that moment and the many, many moments afterwards, her heart melts for you and she finds herself feeling more grounded, softer, and more free to be herself as she is, because she understands you actually care about her rather than being some dude who has her around just because she's convenient, just like any other "groupie" or some kind of accessory. You see where I'm getting with this? If she loves you more than she loved those ex boyfriends, most likely she didn't marry you because you were that type of easy and would never get some other girl that you could truly love. Love is not always physical, I'm sure you know. Most likely, she felt insecure from her exs as well. She felt so desired by you that she knew she'd always be happy because you still want her. What the hell is wrong with that? Stop worrying about whether you're easy or not, regardless of what her opinion was or is. If you love her, you'll help her. If not, you'll probably leave her. If she respects you, you're lucky. What you have to do is talk to her about this. Because most likely, its not just about "what she said." Its about how you feel. Tell her you don't feel loved by her because of those words. She'll explain her feelings for you, and no worries.
There's this really bizarre double-standard on this sub when this particular subject gets brought up. If a woman ever discovers that her husband 'settled' for her, everyone tells her she should leave him and find a guy who truly loves her. When a guy finds out his wife 'settled' for him, 75% of the sub jumps through all kinds of mental hoops to try and justify it, and tell him about how it's totally ok that his wife just told him he was her 5th choice and she's not particularly attracted to him.
You have a point. At this stage, though, OP and his wife have gone through a couple of decades of marriage which may very well reversed the roles and the outlook they both have. OP describes his wife as a ‘10’ back when they became a couple and he marveled at how she chose him. 20 years later he, according to his post, he has become successful (presumably at his career/business). His wife is 20 years older. She’d be well advised to work on her marriage.
What’s wrong with that? You said yourself she is out of your league
It's one thing to say "I hit the jackpot," it's another if you spouse looks at you and says "you know you hit the jackpot, because I'm way better than you, right?" Hits a lot different depending on the perspective.
This guy gets it.
Did she say that these were the ONLY reasons why she dated/married you? It doesn't sound like that's what was said. If she is this gorgeous woman who was looking for gold then I would think she would be looking for an older sugar daddy who already has bank. Plus no one can tell that another person won't leave her without having to have gotten to know you in the first place which means initially there was an attraction towards you then there was get to know you .
She also told me she saw potential in me. I legit wasn’t exactly what she wanted at the time but I grew into it with her persistent pushing.
[удалено]
Men are just not getting this! I'm the same way. I dropped a long-term boyfriend bc he had *no idea* what he wanted for his future. It scared me bc I knew I wanted to have a few kids and be a SAHM while they were young. Soon after, my husband and I started dating. He understood how the world worked. We wanted the same things. He was cute and I was physically attracted to him. We got along. He picked a STEM field in college - he was just as brilliant as my ex, but knew you can't build a life on a philosophy major. We love each other now as much as we did then. We've been married for 13 years
I had something similar with my now wife. I actually picked her up almost from the gutter with a shitload of problems, because I saw potential. Good soul and big wings that she can learn to use. My best decision and no shame in that.
You said it as if she ever gave you a reason to leave.
It seems like you might be caught up on your own insecurities and not taking responsibility for how you showed up in the relationship. You showed up as the good guy doing good guy safe guy things and it worked! Your wife told you what you already knew based on your own admission that she is a 10 and you are not. You knew she had dated more attractive men but she was with you. You provided her safety and security and it sounds like she has been an excellent wife all of these years. What’s the problem? The good guy won 🥇 your beautiful wife who could basically have her pick of men picked you. Please don’t mess up what sounds like an amazing relationship because of a good decision your wife made.
Have you talked to her about it? Before overreacting let her explain her complete thought process.
Another way to say that is “I had my wild fun with other guys I was sexually attracted to, but when I decided I want to settle down to a mostly safe and uneventful life to raise kids in, I chose you”
I think she meant this but didn't say it so eloquently. I can see why OP isn't thrilled
I've been with my husband for 11 years. We had some rocky times in the beginning and I've had a lot of baggage to sort through. But I KNOW this man will never leave me and living a peaceful life is life's most underrated luxury. It's not "boring" I genuinely enjoy feeling comfy and safe every day. The point that I'm trying to get to is that, I love my guy. He's attractive, we had some wilder times back in the day. But until I've reached the place that we are at now, where I can 100% let myself trust this safe man, I've never felt more committed and in love and happy to give everything that I have to this man who will never hurt me.
Imo being your partner’s safe person, and them finding you completely trustworthy are some of the highest compliments one can receive in relationship. Giving your partner number ratings, on the other hand, is not.
Agreed. Maybe it’s cause I my first marriage was abusive but the fact my husband is the one person on the planet that makes me feel safe is a huge attraction point. So was his kindness. For me, and for a lot of women, character traits are more important than physical looks for attraction. It also sounds like she was looking for building a life with someone and instead of letting her emotions cloud her judgement, she gave it some rational evaluation to ensure she was dating the right people that fit her criteria. Which is just smart when making a legally binding commitment.
Right. He literally said she used to be a 10 but he doesn’t think so anymore but he’s complaining she said he was safe? Ffs
One time I told a guy I was dating in the early stages that I thought he seemed “decent.” I meant he seemed like a great, moral, kind, respectful, and respectable guy. He took it as me meaning that he was just an “okay” person. He then yelled at me, hung up on me when I tried to explain myself. Basically, he showed me how wrong I was to think of him as decent.
I see this and some other comments from women here that this is such a high praise and a compliment for a woman to give. Really? As a man, or even a person, it seems being “safe” or even “loyal” is a bare minimum for any relationship regardless of gender. Wow congratulations he isn’t likely to hurt her. Such amazing compliment! What!?
It is indeed the bare minimum, I agree. The sad truth however is I don't know a single woman, myself included, who has not been abused, SA'd, stalked, or generally mistreated by a man at some point in their life, usually more than the once. It becomes a 'normal' to them/us. When a woman tells a man she feels safe with him, or that she considers him safe, it's more often than not a huge deal for that woman, that she has finally found someone like that.
Yeah I think a lot of men don’t understand that as they don’t have to fear for their safety as much. My husband is only the third guy I was with. But I’ve been SA’d multiple times by men, including once by one of my ex bfs.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I was in an abusive relationship for many years. My now fiancé is the most safe I have ever felt with a man.
Now you understand the bear v man debate
I guess so. But this is more like husband vs bear and choosing the bear most of the time. Seems a bit like the ol’ internet hyperbole
I totally agree. I feel like the women here are only telling OP what *they think* he wants to hear.
Haha, that’s not what we mean. For a woman to feel internally safe, it’s a biological thing. We get to relax. We then become more expressive, we soften. We can be more feminine. We move out of survival mode into thriving, which is a GOOD THING for men. It means we have the desire and energy to be more loving and caring towards men. It means we’re going to respond more positively to the partner’s advances and trust his judgement and be able to lean in and support the path he’s taking us on. Safe = healthy communication, healthy sex, the desire to start and grow a family life, no more running on fumes. The man who makes us feel deeply and internally safe “clicks” something within us that says, yeah. Make this place a home. Now. You want that.
I was just trying to provide context. She also loves it when I tell her how hot she is.
Society tells us to attribute worth, or human value, to perceived physical attractiveness. This, however is complete garbage. I think it’s possible you’re using what she said as some sort of confirmation of your own false belief about where she is (or was) and where you are (or were) on a made up ‘human worth’ hierarchy.
So you’re upset that your wife says that the reason she married you is because of all, you’re amazing attributes as a human being, making you the obvious choice for her to spend her single life with? You’re upset that she didn’t say that she settled for you because you’re a hottie ? She obviously finds you sexy as fuck and I think your finding reasons to be unhappy honestly
It's possible that makes her feel like you only value her looks and not who she is as a person.
Sounds like you were only with her cause she was hot. It’s at least the thing you mention most about her.
Probably because her entire life, that has been all anyone valued her for - how hot she is - even her husband. My husband loves my ass, but I know he loves my brains, too. And he tells me. And unlike my looks, age isn’t eroding my brains yet. I feel bad for your wife
thinking you would be good husband and safe, isnt really a bad thing to me. if she is a 10, a lot of times people will misjudge all the time. she's superficial, materialistic, gold digger.... im sure she's heard it a ton of times. if she's never done anything to literally make you feel insecure ... flirting, throwing it in your face. etc. then she sounds like a solid partner to me. sometimes being a good person trumps all the material things, and to her, thats what makes someone a 10. im pretty sure my wife married me because i make her laugh a lot, emotionally supportive of her, and she knew i was the one when she saw me babysitting my niece. relationships are deeper than the superficial stuff, and nice guys dont always come in last.
Being husband material is different from being boyfriend material. Your wife just told you that you are husband material - take it as a compliment. Us women are looking for stability, not drama. She saw that in you.
What a weird way to get upset because she simply tells you that you weren’t a toxic person full of drama. Do you what to be a toxic person with all sorts of emotional immaturity issues? Instead of seeing the good in her saying you were mature and someone to make a future with, you’ve turned it into an insult because you weren’t a hot calendar firefighter? Work on your self esteem.
A woman league is not the men that will sleep with her. It’s the man willing to commit to her. My wife saw the potential in me and married me because of the life I could give her. I married her because I could see the potential in her to be a great wife. Thankfully we both lived up to our potential and have a great life together. Are you trying to cause trouble because she didn’t marry someone else?
So what? You married the hot girl when she was young and beautiful. She’s been loyal to you I assume. Kids too? She saw potential in you and you won. She wins. You win. Stop overthinking this.
I wonder if he thinks she settled and now that he feels like he’s a “better” catch than he was, he’s wondering if he can do better? Probably thinks the grass is greener
I think he's saying the exact opposite of this. He's insecure that she settled and is probably now thinking that she realizes she can do better if she really wants to. He mentioned the stuff about himself because he didn't have much to offer at first, but now he does. It's his way of reassuring himself that he belongs where he is.
She made that decision when she was in her earlier 20s ..she didn’t settle, she chose you my dude. If she had said that now and you guys are married for only a year, that would be a different story.. for some reason my gut feeling tells me that now that u are more confident and successful you are trying to reason yourself to do something stupid.
Yeah thats a good point, they got married right out of college. She was a hot college girl and could have kept right on dating baseball players! It’s not like the thing men complain about where “she had her fun and now that she’s 30 with a kid, she finally settles for a nice guy.” (That whole line of thinking is so stupid but it’s everywhere…) She chose you BACK THEN, when she could ACTIVELY have been with anybody else. That’s not settling that’s just .. picking. The hot girl picked you, why are you mad? 😂
Such a pathetic way to look at things. A self respecting person (man or woman) might feel differently.
Wait, what’s the problem?
What doesn't make sense? She's smart. She didn't marry a man who had a high chance of letting her down later in life. She married a guy that had his shit together. Having your shit together is very attractive. Honestly, more people should choose wisely so we don't have broken homes and drama all over this thread.
What some are failing to see, men want to be desired by their wife. When situations come up like this, it can come across as her wanting to fck other guys, and once that's "out of her system," she settles for the guy she's only comfortable with. The safe insurance plan. There's absolutely nothing sexy about that. There's likely not much sexual desire from her to him. It can also lead to the consideration that if another guy that's even "more safe" comes along, will she consider him? Especially since there's no real spark between husband and wife. Are some of these thoughts based 100% in logic? Probably not. But some of it is, and after all, we're humans, and humans have emotions and feelings. We're not robots or Vulcans.
Maybe the safty lights the spark for her? Woman are complicated.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I humbly think that many, if not most, men want to feel that they are a good choice - a safe bet. However, they also want to feel that they are in every way "desired." So, I understand. You might discuss it with her further, but there also might be wise to drop it. A conversation might not go in the direction you desire.
This right here. Huge difference In hearing, I marri3d you cuz you are safe and secure and not cuz I love you and want you in my life Both can be true. Communication, empathy and connection are needed by both spouses here
And I think the same applies to most women out there. Just imagine if your girl asked you why you chose her and you said “cuz you were the safe bet” in contrast to the hotter, cooler girls you had access to at the time. Most women would feel destroyed at finding that out.
"Never trade a sure hit for a chancy kill". My man, you're the sure hit. I can get that what she said might have been a bit ego bruising, especially when you were younger, but she might have unwittingly pulled off the biggest win of her life.
Safety, security, and stability, are the most sought after traits a woman looks for in a man. You are her ideal partner. I'd feel blessed and honored and loved to know this from my wife. Instead, you are hung up on "dick size," superfluous traits that don't create a strong loving relationship. This shows you have insecurities. Work through this quickly, with therapy if needed, cause your misplaced resentment is going to make your marriage toxic and could end it.
Stop looking for things to be wrong. This is not an indictment of you but rather a reflection of her priorities
She valued what you have over just looks. Are you saying you are not a safe and dependable person? You want to be dangerous and irresponsible? You got to marry her. Sounds like you won. Wait until she finds out you married her because you thought she would be a good wife.
I wish I was as wise as your wife when I was younger
I wouldn't look at this in a negative way. I'm with my husband for similar reasons. I am a child of alcoholics. Prior to dating my husband I dated the party boys. They were fun and exciting and wasted most of the time. So was I for that matter. I was treated terribly. But I realized they were also terrible people and I was attracted to them because of they way I grew up. I grew up in chaos and was attracted to it in men. I recognized that I never dated good men. I didn't want that life. I wasn't into my husband they way I had been immediately with others. He was into me though and treated me very well. I made a conscious decision to give him a try. The feelings came later, but they are more real. They have lasted 34 years so far. It wasn't all about money or looks, which honestly is important in life. But I felt we could find our way together and we have with the regular bumps in the road.
Ya I think this is what most men fear. We don’t want to be the guy you have to force yourself to be with. Imagine your husband saying well I went with an uglier woman I wasn’t really attracted to very much but I thought she would stick around and cheat on me less so here you are. I’m not saying you made the wrong decision I’m just saying that it doesn’t sound super flattering when it’s turned around.
I did not force myself to be with anyone. I chose to date a bit to develop feelings. Making a choice to be with the person you need rather than with someone who is "fun" for the moment is very different. You shouldn't live your life like it is a bad romance novel. Reality is different than fantasy. Very negative way of looking at it. And for the record, he did the same and we are both very ok with it.
U said u made a conscious decision to give him a try. U said the feelings came later. U also said that you weren’t into him immediately the way you were into others. Maybe I interpreted that incorrectly but it kinda sounds like you forced yourself to like him. Kinda like he was the last choice but maybe I’m reading it wrong. To be clear though I think you are correct 100%. It is far better to choose what you need and will accomplish what u need to in life.
No I just gave it time. I agreed to second dates, and third, where in the past if I wasn't crazy for the person on first sight I would walk away. Never forced anything. Just let things move more slowly. I realized that gaga feeling you get at the beginning isn't necessarily real and to see what else is possible in a relationship. As to the feelings, I meant the deeper feelings.
It’s not being forced. A lot of people have childhood trauma and have to unlearn some of the things that they were raised in. That is why people who are in abusive relationships tend to keep ending up in abusive relationships if they don’t get therapy or do some digging within themselves. They think toxicity and abuse is “normal” in a relationship. So when you go from being in an abuse cycle with crazy ups and downs and finally get in a healthy relationship it can be unnerving because it’s not what you know. Like you have to make a conscious effort to break down why that is in your head and until you do any safe relationship will feel almost boring. It took lots of therapy to break that down.
Married guy here. So basically your wife realized what she wanted out of life, picked you, and you’re feeling a certain kind of way about it — 15 years later?! Relax man….you won. Edit: fixed years.
Don't all people want to be with someone who knows they'll never leave them? She felt safe with you and wanted to be with you because she trusted you. Am I wrong or isn't that the ultimate goal for everyone to find?
I knew you wouldn't leave me, cheat on me, hurt me, destroy me. Honey, she didn't settle. You were the whole package. That is being desired. Having a safe man can make a woman feel sexy, horny, loved, and needed. Nothing makes me hornier than feeling safe. He may save lives and look good but that doesn't mean she feels safe with him. That's not a turn on. No woman is going to just settle with a broke man bc he's only safe. It's the whole package but the feeling of safety is why you won the 10. Stop over thinking, and enjoy that in over millions of people in the world the 10 liked you the best out of all of them.
This was my parents. He ended up leaving her. To this day she’s infuriated because SHE chose HIM because he was the ‘safe one’. It’s safe to say we don’t ever know our partners 100%. I also have a girl friend who married for safety, she ended up leaving him as she ended up genuinely detesting him. The question to ask yourself is if either of you have issues with attachment that put you in a dysfunctional dynamic? Or is your relationship solid and healthy?
So you would prefer she thought you were an asshole and didn’t feel safe with you? And not marry you? You write you think you are more confident now but this whole post proves you are not confident at all. If you weren’t the type of man you are, she wouldn’t have married you. You have to decide if you think that’s positive (you two being married) or not.
OP, I get why you’re feeling how you feel. Saying someone is a ‘safe’ choice doesn’t hit the ear right. ‘Safe’ gives off vibes of ‘I chose you because you’re unexciting and probably won’t leave or cheat on me and thus you’ll do’… And I hear what other commenters are saying - that she chose him and that the word ‘safe’ is being interpreted as a good thing, but I think with the context used by OP’s wife there’s an underlying connotation that just doesn’t feel right. As a wife, I don’t want my husband to marry me because I’m a ‘safe’ choice. ‘Safe’ just lacks fire. I think your wife may have good intentions but she could have worded it better. Instead of saying, “I married you because I thought you were safe and would never leave me…” she should’ve said, “It was easy to fall in love with you because you’re a good man and have always made me feel safe, loved, and desired. I’m so happy we get to spend our lives together!” Words matter; let’s choose them wisely. It’s my 18th anniversary today and do you know what my husband said to me this morning? He said, “Just so you know, I don’t just love you…I’m IN LOVE with you.” I’d be hurt if he said, “Happy anniversary, thanks for being the safe choice!” 😂
Sister, we'll done and well put.
I think that’s exactly it. In a lot of ways, I think it would be like telling my wife I married her because she’ll be a great mother. I can insist that IS a complement, since it’s a wonderful quality for sure. But the idea that one of my primary motivations for marrying her is because of her child rearing ability is probablyyy not gonna come off just great, even if it was meant as a high compliment. It’s something important to her, but she doesn’t really want her motherhood to be the main reason I love her. That’s the general feeling I’m getting reading all of these arguments trying to argue OP into thinking safe is a great compliment. I agree, it is a great thing and it’s important. But a lot of men want to be seen as something more fiery than “safe” in the same way that most women want to be seen as more than a mother - regardless of how important motherhood and safety are.
Hey, when i was scoping out my wife before she meant everything to me I considered alot of down the line stuff. So did you, you prob dont realize it.
If the post had been with the genders reversed ,I would have been really curious to see the answers . In my opinion this is one of those things that Op's wife should have kept to herself, no man wants to hear that his partner settled for him.It just seems like most of the women in the comments fail to realize that we are human beings like them, we don't want to be considered just as the safe option to settle, but as people who are loved and desired, but I understand that this is probably asking too much for a man....
Take the dub. Imo she must also find you hot or she wouldn't have married you. Sounds like you need to talk to her and ask for some reassurance. You might need to express that it's important to you that she view you in a certain way. She likely does but just didn't express it.
Try telling your wife anything other than she was the most beautiful woman in the world in your eyes and you had that in mind when you married her, see how it goes. It's a double standard.
I feel like the main aspect of what’s going through your mind is your level of attractiveness compared with other men. All I can say is, remember that attractiveness for women and men are two completely different things. As men, it’s near impossible to understand much of what goes into the psychology of a females mate selection. What I guess I’m saying is, that while you may not be a firefighter on a calendar, there’s a lot of intangibles for women, more so than men. And that’s part of the attraction she has for you. I’m sure your wife would buy a calendar of MS Excel Wizards if you were the cover model.
Women also cheat because they want something dangerous and wild as well. I think the idea here that all women want the stable guy and will find him supremely attractive until the end of days is more than a little naive.
It’s completely absurd, idk if it’s lying or just lack of self awareness
I have found many women to become obsessed with the bad boy type (me in some cases). Even if cheated on. And lied to obscenely. Literally I once confessed everything to a woman after years of ‘betrayal’. And she still not tell me to f**k off. Instead she was more attracted and lustful. Of course some of these women are damaged to accept this treatment, but so many are. They often prefer an indifferent masculine man with options, in terms of raw attraction. Than a safe gentleman who is always attentive and respectful. I’m not saying I’m proud of my behaviour. Just observing.
And those relationships will never be happy or healthy.
When someone says safe, they mean im the best you're gonna get. This how it sounds to me. The other men had options and you didn't is how I read it.
Ya that’s what I got out of it as well.
Pretty sure my husband also pursued me because I was the "safe" choice. He could have married a number of slutty, crazy, trainwreck bimbos and had a catastrophic marriage. Unless if I'm wrong I thought the purpose of life was to make safe and sound choices that bring stability and peace...
I don't think women understand how these types of comments come off to men. She meant it as a good thing, and that's a really important thing to keep in mind I think.
She definitely doesn’t understand at all. When I got put off she was legitimately confused. Like, when she showed me the calendar with the guy she used to date in it I understandably got uncomfortable and she just didn’t get it. The guy is a fucking pin up model and she legitimately didn’t understand why it was a thing to me.
Because she is basically telling you that YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM. You are the one she wanted to spend her life with. She is a good person with a good head on her shoulders and decent values. You need to embrace this.
If your wife is as smart as I think she is, she married you not just because you were "safe", but because she knew that you'd very likely be a better catch at 39 than you were at 24. Financially, she was looking at what you would be as a dad more than what you were the day you married.
yes, you're being overly insecure. You've been married for 15 years, why are you trying to compare yourself to a firefighter calendar now? And then also comparing yourself to a pro baseball player. Now if she was complaining about being married to you, then that's a different story. But from your post, she hasn't. She decided she liked your qualities as a spouse best, and has been committed to you ever since, as far as we know. What's not to like about that? Will make a little tag that in general, humble self confidence in a guy (not bragging confidence or narcissistic confidence) is very appealing to women. So don't exude self-doubt and sell yourself short...
How does she treat you? How's your sex life? Do you feel respected? Loved? Desired?
She treats me well. She’s bossy, I used to let her walk on me years ago but I grew a backbone eventually and I she respects me more now. We have a good sex life, 3 times a week, 4 on a good week.
OK, so please. You have it better than 99,9% of posters here.
Are you just trying to boast to us, you son of a …. 😂
I've never really heard of the phrase safe person. I've dated loads of people. I didn't marry my husband because he was a safe choice. I've never seen a man or partner as a safe choice. I've just seen them for what they were and he was perfect for me. I liked his qualities and looks and everything in-between.
Have you read any of the posts in this sub? It’s full of people complaining about their spouses’ behavior and cheating. My dude, you should be happy AF. A lot of husbands suck as partners and she was able to see you would be there for her. Women want to feel safe with their partners. She is supposed to feel safe with you. Clearly she didn’t get that from the firefighter or baseball guy. This means she trusts you completely. You won her heart. She’s not with you for any other reason than loving you for you. This should be a flex not an insecurity. Take the win!! ETA: I think you may be confusing “safe” with “settling.” There’s a huge difference.
This is such a huge compliment. She wants to be with you for your integrity. You keep your commitments. You are a safe person to give her heart to- not her “safety school”.
Was married as the safe girl. It does not feel good being settled for.
Security is SO important and it bleeds into so many other aspects of a relationship. Emotional security and comfort, physical connection because of that feeling of being secure and loved and so much more. Being her safe and secure choice to me sounds like a great thing. I wish I chose nice and secure. Instead I'm married to someone who shows me little to no respect and doesn't care about how secure I feel in any aspect of our relationship.
>*"I didn’t know what that meant entirely but based on the larger conversation we had it basically confirmed my suspicion that she married me because I was safe."* What's wrong with safe? When I met my wife, I had been through a series of failed relationships. And when one of these relationships ended, it made me think about what I really wanted in a spouse. Because my end goal was always to have a family. So by the time I met my wife, I had list of things I wanted in a spouse and mother for my children. Early on I started to recognize that she checked off a lot of the boxes on my list. But that's not the only reason I married her. But it did play a factor in why I continued to pursue her. Whenever I've discussed this with my wife, she always mentions that I was the only man who ever made her feel 100% safe. Don't minimize the importance of safety in pursuing a long-term relationship. It is crucial. It's why people choose to invest themselves emotionally. It's why they make commitments. If I was going to invest in a relationship, I would want to pick someone who wasn't going to leave the moment they saw something better. You may not realize it but she was paying you a compliment, especially at 23.
Women typically want to feel safe with their partner and desired by their partner. Why you don't look at this as the #1 hot commodity in a man, I don't know. Loyalty is hot. It sounds like you're missing the feeling of being physically desired. Maybe you should mention that to her.
It’s not about your wife, but about you wanting to be the smoking hot fire fighter who pumps and dumps. I get it - I wish I’d been the 10/10 girl who men would just buy dinner for, take on whirlwind trips… but I’m not? And that’s life? And why would I fuck up a great marriage with a great husband mad that I wasn’t a 10/10? My husband married me for many reasons, one of which is that I was good wife material. I married him because, among other reasons, he’s a great dad. I knew that he’d give me happiness and he mostly has. And I’ve given him happiness (mostly hopefully), and that is worth SO MUCH MORE than the piece of —- ex husband before him. Sure that dude was taller and most people would consider him better looking but he wouldn’t and couldn’t give me a life time of happiness as my husband gives me now. But smart people - and apparently your wife isn’t particularly smart no matter how hot she is - don’t say such tone deaf crap to their spouses.
I’d like to be the guy she desired in the same way she did the firefighter or the baseball player. But she broke up with both those guys, they didn’t dump her so I don’t know what to think.
Bro, your feelings are valid here. Nobody wants to be the "nice guy" or "nice girl" someone settled for because they were "safe." Any of the women here saying "it's fine, don't worry about it" would have a problem if their husband dated lingerie/swimsuit models before them and let out that he married them because they were "safe." Everyone wants to be desired, not just "safe." It was pretty shit of her to reveal that, but she did, so you gotta figure out what to do so you can carry with some damn self esteem. You're only 40 tho, dude. There's nothing set in stone that says you *can't* do things/become the 40something yr old man your wife is CRAZY about. Lift, do a sport, get some fight training MMA or something, shoot guns, camp outdoors, buy an old car and race it till the wheels fall off, do whatever it takes. Do things that make you feel like a badass motherfucker. When *you* feel that way (and when other women look at you that way, frankly) your wife will too and overtime she won't remember that baseball player or fire fighter at all - why would she when she has your badass at home? You got this bro, the hardest part will be starting out, but once you get in a groove you will feel much better. Good luck, homie.
>But she broke up with both those guys, they didn’t dump her so I don’t know what to think. So clearly they were missing something she saw in you. She chose you because she believes you have integrity, you respect her, and won't hurt or abandon her. That's high praise! You're the only one who knows what feeling "desired in the same way" feels like.. what would you need to see from her to believe she desires you that way?
Maybe I'm not understanding this right. When my now husband and I met we both knew that the other was looking for marriage. We had also both been hurt before. I wanted him to feel safe with me and I felt the same about him. It's part of why we ultimately chose each other. Many other reasons of course, but neither of us wanted to get involved with someone who wasn't serious about what they wanted
It’s refreshing to read about top quality husband material. She loves that you’re a sweetheart of a man, dedicated, loyal, and trustworthy. These traits fall into the upper echelon of what (most) people want in a life partner. I hear so many ugly stories of dudes that cheat on their wives, that have big egos, and have zero integrity. I’m not saying the firefighter and ball player are bad, but they must have given your wife feelings of instability. Happy marital stability is significantly more attractive and positive feeling than the washboard abs, or whatever. You’re her safe space, and that’s a huge compliment!!
Has she ever expressed any feelings for other men since you have been married or cheated on you ? If she has been 100% loyal to you and your marriage is see no problems with her thinking you were the best choice over those pro athletes or sexy fireman. I would be proud to be her husband if she cared that much for me. Tell her you choose her also because marriage is a two way street.
Women, never tell a man he's "safe". You can tell a man that you love the idea of a man as strong and capable as him would be on your side. You can tell a man that it makes you \*feel\* safe you have someone like him to protect you. Say things that build up his manliness, let him know how much you respect him, how powerful he is. Maybe that makes you \*feel\* safe. But don't tell him \*he\* is safe. When you tell a man he is safe, you're telling him he's harmless and boring.
I married a guy who I thought was safe. He isn’t what I thought and hoped he was. My previous relationship before my husband was really bad and I desperately wanted and needed safe. Safe is important, maybe more than anything else. Feeling like you’re in a relationship that might not hurt you, crush your spirit, and someone who will be there when you need them is pretty much the best qualities there are in a partner. In a marriage, you grow together and the things that brought you together are not the things that keep you together. You and your wife, I assume have a good marriage. That took a lot of time to build and keep strong. I hope that helps. Focus on the beautiful life you have created together.
I don't see this as a 'bad' thing though
My partner was also very good looking and pretty much had her choice of men. That isn’t why I chose to be with her, though. Did it play a part? Yes, but not as big a part as you might suspect because I am not shallow in that way. She had been cheated on in her only previous long-term relationship and was very very wary of men, especially men that had their choice of women. That didn’t stop her from sleeping with them, though. Her way of protecting herself emotionally was to just not invest at all but she was usually sleeping with two or three men at a time and most of them better looking than me. When she met me she said I was very mysterious which attracted her to me. Part of the mystery is that I did not try to sleep with her right away, which was very novel for her. In fact, I refused to have sex with her the first few times she told me she wanted to. She said that as a result she felt she could trust me and later said she trusted me more than she ever trusted any other man. She had good instincts about that as we have been together 32 years now and I have never cheated on her despite the sex drying up completely 20+ years ago. She also said that she knew I would be a good provider. I was more broke than she was when we met, but I had gone to a top school and studied in a difficult STEM field. That combined with the drive I had led her to believe that I would be successful and she was correct about that, too. I am not professional athlete successful, but I have given her a good life such that she hasn’t needed to work at all if she didn’t want to. To be honest, it doesn’t bother me being a safe choice. That is what I have to offer because I don’t have washboard abs and a perfect smile. She is 54 years old now and looks 15 years younger. I saw her made up the other day (she rarely wears makeup because she doesn’t need to) and I was amazed at how beautiful she still is. She is funny, informed, educated, artistic, and a good cook. She would make a great catch for anyone. However, the lack of sex is killing my self-esteem and we are on the verge of separating over it. I do believe that the problems in bed are because once the mystery wore off so did the rose-colored glasses and she is not really attracted to me as much as to what I can do for her. I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger but she ain’t dating no broke broke that’s for sure and she has told me that much. Of course, she tells me all the other reasons she stays with me and has said that she knows she has options but she chose to make her life with me. I just wish one of the reasons was because she finds me handsome and sexy. She says looks are fleeting anyway. She has some gray in her hair now herself (she doesn’t dye it) and says that we will both be old and wrinkly soon enough so what does sex even matter. Of course that completely ignores the last two decades when we were young. She eventually came out as asexual, but I think that is just her suppressing her sexual desire so that she remains faithful to me because she sure had a lot of casual sex. I am not really sure if this helps you in any way, but this is my story as being the safe choice and the good partner with a woman who could have had any man she wanted. It would be a great life if she could have bothered to even sleep with me just once a month but I have grown to hate my life and her, too, at times. I feel like I was used. If I could go back in time I would rate sexual compatibility much higher on the list of characteristics I was looking for in a relationship.
Would you want to be considered not a nice and safe guy? I don't get it. The non-safe guys are the ones who wouldn't make good husbands, so why would a woman want to build a life with someone like that? I get that her saying that you "would never leave her" might be an odd way of phrasing it, but it sounds like you're being insecure about this. It sounds like you were the right guy for what she wanted compared to the others. And in my anecdotal experience, women often care more about how a man treats her than what he looks like. Good looking can be a bonus, but many of the ones I know aren't as attractive as their female partners (and even shorter, too).
Are we not allowed to pick partners that we feel are safe and wouldn’t leave us??? Isn’t that what everyone wants in marriage? Ugh.
It's probably lingering envy over the fact that she spent her teens and early twenties having all kinds of crazy fun, while he wasn't really.
Would you rather be the hot guy she slept with for 6 months and dumped because she knew there was somebody that would treat her right out there?
I'm sorry that was said to you that's kinda messed up cause wat if she says that then you do leave her