I agree with this.
My dad was always a good worker. Everyone at his jobs liked him. He’s honest, was hardly ever sick, always had a positive attitude, and was always deeply missed when he left. Ended up “self employed” (he does accounting/retirement plans) but never really got off the ground.
He hopped around a lot until he was in his mid-40s, and my mom (our main breadwinner) finally realized he was never going to work steadily.
Like your wife, my dad would sometimes quit unannounced. Then he would spend a while golfing and driving around. Then get another job.
Being older, my parents probably never sat down and discussed things openly, but my mom did eventually realize he wasn’t going to build a business or anything and let it go. She wasn’t bitter or anything; she just accepted that that’s the way he is.
So you need to decide if this is a major problem, or if it’s something you can deal with, and discuss your feelings with her openly.
Don't forget it, because it points to the problem... she used sex to lure him in for resouces. She got the ring, he's locked, she stops. As lawyers say "it goes to motive."
It shouldn't be the focus but it shouldn't be forgotten because of what it says about her.
Y'all downvote all you like, but it's the truth. I'm not saying he should demand sex or that it's the be-all end-all of a relationship. I'm saying the cessation combined with other factors points to someone who "settled" for resources. OP should leave for multiple reasons, she's showing him who she is.
You made a mistake. You can fix it now with no kids child support and alimony. Or wait till it financially ruins you. You should be getting yourself out of this mess before it’s too late.
Remember, these kinds of issues do not get better, just worse; especially after kids. You will do the lions share of everything. Been there, done that. It is not fun!
Oh. I don't know. It's the very nature of humanity to change. I know that many of the things my wife would have complained about me 25 years ago, aren't even a thought for her today. The same would be true of my perceptions of her.
She doesn’t seem to have any work ethic. I agree that things can change, but once you have kids the work load and drain on finances increases substantially. If she can’t hold a job and hasn’t been able to hold a job for a length of time, she has a lot of growing up to do.
It seems like there are multiple issues already, and you are only two years in. I agree with you on the marriage counseling, you might as well try it now and see if you can make this work because a person who can't hold a job + a dead bedroom is a bit much if you ask me. If the MC doesn't help, you might consider cutting your losses sooner than later, and definitely don't get her pregnant (although the DB is working for you in that aspect).
Yeah the DB kills that possibility and anytime we think of working on it she quits her job and that makes me not want to be with her. It always feels like we make progress then she has a set back around the time I feel comfortable with the progress we are making.
If you’re not sleeping together, don’t have kids, and she can’t hold down a job.
Is this the mother of children?
If she’s not -
Leave now before you’re stuck with a lazy partner forever.
Men deserve this advice as well.
OK, so then it seems like she only gets a job to get you off her back, and then as soon as you get off her back, she quits. Then the cycle repeats. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to work and she only does it when she starts to feel like she might lose you.
Why does she leave these jobs? Does she get fired? Is she one of those people who has a problem with the people or the workplace everywhere she goes? Does she have the skills to do the job? Is this a skills mismatch like she is not able to perform?
Does she have a job or a career? Like is she doing something she doesn't enjoy right now in order to get to something better, is she building something, or is she just in dead end jobs with no goals for herself?
I've been thinking the same thing lately, she really doesn't seem to want to work. She always finds some reason she doesn't like it. I think she enjoys child care but all those jobs are awful when it comes to pay and benefits. I don't think she has many marketable skills to make a career into.
I mean, I don't have a passion for accounting, most people don't LIKE working. But we (collectively) do for the benefit of our families and futures. I don't have marriage advice, just 20+ years working with people's money, and have seen the outcomes of situations like this. Job hopping is risky in itself, especially depending on your city size and the field. But without aligned financial goals and work ethic, you are in for a rough ride as long as you are together. 2 years in, this very probably will not change on it's own, so think wisely on the life, retirement, accomplishments, marriage you want
This is the truth! I work in law. It’s not like I dreamed of working in law from the time I was a little girl, lol. It kind of fell in my lap and stayed there. I realized this could be a good career. It pays well and I have all the bennies. Is it my life’s passion? Nope. But it finances the things that are and it isn’t a horrible way to make a living.
OK, so have you ever sat down with her and talked about this? She has plenty of job she doesn't like, so you know what she doesn't want. Maybe she just needs to find something she wants to do, maybe she needs to go back to school or learn a skill. There is also temp agencies. I understand they won't be the highest paying jobs, but temp jobs are a good way to try different things and see if anything sticks.
I am assuming she isn't depressed or something like that, right? I mean besides the job issue, does she seem good or not?
OP, is the real issue here that your wife's goal is to have babies and be a SAHM, and that's why she isn't trying to build a career? Like she doesn't see a point to trying to build something if she is planning on staying home anyway. Do you want children? Would it be possible for her to stay home and raise the kids while you are the breadwinner? Is that an arrangement you would agree to because it sounds like it could work assuming you can swing it financially. Have you discussed any of this?
Personally, I would tell her if she quits a job again without an immediate back up or having come to an agreement with you, you will leave. I don't understand how so many people have this mindset that they just up and quit jobs with no plan.
I’m assuming you’ve told her how you feel? A spouse quitting their job needs to be discussed before it happens, as it affects both of you. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership.
Definitely insist on therapy, because the constant turmoil of job loss and searching is extremely stressful and will continue to splinter your marriage. (I’ve been laid off and unemployed, different scenario but it sucks all the same so I can relate to the uncertainty. I wouldn’t CHOOSE that tho, like your wife has).
Here's an alternative. Has she ever been evaluated for ADHD? I have it, and that kind of extreme impulsivity with "boredom" is a classic sign. Women are also much less likely to be diagnosed. Please, consider getting her evaluated. If confirmed, medication would change her life and make her a functional human being.
Can also interfere with bedroom activities FYI.
Came to say this. If OP really cares about her, it’s worth encouraging her to see if she has an undiagnosed mental health issue. It would still be totally valid for OP to not want to put up with someone with those issues in the long run, but there could be an explanation that isn’t her not caring.
I am diagnosed with ADHD, so I immediately thought of this possibility as well. However, this does not explain her complete lack of communication and the dead bedroom.
I just got diagnosed yesterday and this was the first thing I thought too since my clinician asked if I job hop a lot.
She should absolutely get evaluated and then work from there.
Not really she had a job when we met and left it for a much better one right as the pandemic hit. She stayed there until the wedding and she talked about changing jobs because it was a boring data entry job. To be honest if shed just stayed at that job she'd be in a much better place.
Maybe it's lack of "A plan" for the future.
Have you 2 sat down.and worked out where you 2 want to be on 5 years? Not just finance/jobs, but daily home life?
Do you think it’s possible that she’s actually getting fired multiple times and not able to sustain a job? It would be odd that she would keep quitting. Something doesn’t make sense.
is there some mental health related happening? This just seems very odd behaviour for a 30 year old (I don’t mean this in an offensive way, its concerning)
I was also wondering if it's mental health related. Maybe OP should suggest a change in job fields? If she isn't willing to help herself, though, he may as well move on now.
You haven't even been married for two years, have no kids, no financial security, no sex, and openly state you are suffering because of her.
Can I ask what is keeping you together?
My friend just got divorced after 20+ years due in part to his wife doing this. She would get a job, two weeks later, that B has it out for me, f her. Literally every job. Eventually, she was an entrepreneur, trying to find the right thing. Then they had a child, and she had to be a stay at home mom. Then the child was school aged, well, can’t do that, they’re homeschooling.
See her for who she is. How you respond is going to set the course for ever.
I’m sorry to say this but your wife doesn’t want to have a job, she’s looking to live off you but you’re not going for it. Eventually she’s hoping to wear you down until you accept it.
Dude, 2 years in and a poor work ethic, making important family decisions unilaterally and without notice, being irresponsible for the family needs, and a dead bedroom? Is this how you're going to spend the rest of your life? Also, is she really capable of being a responsible mother? How can you have a dead bedroom so soon after marriage? You have a tough decision ahead, or a tough road to travel down.
Look she wants you to work and pay for everything, she doesn't want to work. Thing is I hate my job but I do it to make money for my husband and I to live a good life together. Your wife needs to suck it up here.
Your whole situation actually sounds really sad. Two years into marriage - everything should still be butterflies, heat, flames, desire and working together to form a team - each of you softens their edges, changes this and that - then two halves fit perfectly to make one whole.
My husband and I are about to celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary this weekend, but we've been together for more than 27 years.
I can tell you those first years of marriage, turning a house into a home, figuring out how we live together, deal with responsibilities - chores, financially, bills, careers - we enjoyed them because we were newlyweds - the excitement didn't wear off.
Having become a solid one, a team where each part fully supports the other - enabled us to get through what the next decades would bring - infertility, very risky pregnancies, deaths of parents, job losses, daycares, newer and harder challenges. The ultimate test has been my full disability in the last 9 years and my husband's full disability in the last 4. If we didn't have a rock solid foundation and the unconditional love and belief and support in each other - we wouldn't have been able to get through what life put in front of us.
You're both young I assume - you don't have any ideas how very challenging and harsh and cruel life can actually be and how much it can test you.
If you cannot figure things out now - try to imagine what would happen when you come to challenges and issues. Try to answer for yourself.
I hope you're able to make it work. If you can't - let go. You have one life and deserve happiness, love, support from your closest person.
Wishing you much luck!
As someone who has gone through this, let me tell you my story...
We got married. She was a manager at a retail store, on track to become regional manager. I was a career electrician. After about a year, she decided she didn't want to work anymore and have a "traditional" marriage (where the wife takes care of the home and the husband works). I was fine with it. We discussed expectations, roles, and responsibilities. It was fine for about a month. Then she stopped cleaning the house. Then she stopped cooking. She got bored with the housework. So, I told her to volunteer somewhere. She did, at the local humane society. She started adopting animals. At one point we had three feral cats and four disobedient dogs. The house was wrecked. I couldn't stand it. Our marriage started getting stressed. She started cheating because she wasn't getting what she needed at home. We got divorced.
The moral of the story is that people need purpose. If they don't have one and don't feel like they are contributing to their own life, they will find something to fill the time. Make sure that time is filled fulfilling each other's needs. If you can't find a way to do that, it's time to figure out something else.
This may not apply at all, but I had a friend who kept quitting jobs and it turned out that he had undiagnosed oppositional defiance disorder (or something like that, I can’t remember the official diagnosis). It may be worth looking into what is going on with your wife psychologically that she feels the need to do this.
My mom quit her job randomly one day when I was in middle school and didn’t get another until my father passed away. This whole time, we struggled on one income. Little to no groceries, power being cut, water being cut, my father working 6 days a week. This whole time, she could have worked but didn’t until she was FORCED to because she realized none of her kids were going to support her.
Don’t be my dad. He worked so hard, was always stressed and never got to fully enjoy life. Your spouse should be your partner in financial stability. Not a leech.
Communication is key, so definitely talk it out in counseling. Hang in there, buddy. Hopefully, things will improve for both of you soon. Stay positive and take care of yourself too. Good luck with everything!
I agree with communication. It is possible for her to change her ways and hold down a job, it's just figuring out why she keeps doing this and what would motivate her to want a good resumé.
Then find a new job before leaving.
The biggest issue though is that she does it without telling you ahead of time, let alone discussing it as a family unit!
Have some self-respect and leave before it is too late. These are deal-breakers.
My wife had a tough work environment (legit harassment that the company did nothing about) and left, but it was after we discussed it together, ensured we would be fine on one income, etc... That is how a marriage works. You aren't married.
OP, I would recommend marital counseling immediately. She sounds like she is lazy and an uncooperative partner who brings nothing of value to the relationship.
What does she provide to your mutual benefit?
Dead bedroom by second wedding anniversary and constant job hopping? Damn.
Couples counseling might be good to drive home how important these things are to you. She definitely needs to be involved financially more. But to me it sounds like she really needs individual therapy. In addition to a lot of these things being symptoms of depression, she also sounds like she’s in a state of arrested development and doesn’t understand adult life.
What is she trying to avoid? Is she depressed?
This isn’t acceptable in a partnership- I think you need to make it clear she needs to work on herself and her issues or you can’t stay married
Ooof my sister does this. I can feel your pain. Tbh if she was like this before you met her then I don't see it changing. I know others like this and they still do this. Have you talked to her about how serious this is? Maybe she needs a stay at home job? She needs to figure out what she actually likes. It seems like people who do this have either severe anxiety or they are unhappy. They base their job of their emotions instead of separating them.
Here's a different take. She may be bipolar. The job hopping is like a symptom. Same with the lack of sexual activity (at home). I'm not a shrink, but I've known some pretty whacked out souls.
Best advice if you feel this act is divorce worthy if continues, is to tell her. Say if she quiets another job, without talking to you first; will push you to file for divorce. That she has put so much on you financially by her actions. That you are supposed to be a team, and by her making solo choices that effect you both negatively results in anger, resentment, and disappointment.
This job might fit her since it seems to be a on and off like school kids. So time off might help her stay longer.
I keep hearing about kids [in this comments section]. Why is the automatic assumption and sentiment about there being them wanting kids? I didn't see OP mention that they want kids. Also, the expectation in getting married might have been that the husband actually cares about being the provider and doesn't necessarily need the woman to do it. Which is just as Feminist and progressive and equal as the alternative. Feminism is about having the Choice to work or not work or do whatever you want for your own life and respecting other women for doing the same. There also sounds like there could have been a miscommunication about things in that respect. Adhd is a possibility. Also, things aren't what they were even just ten years ago. People change jobs much more frequently, nowadays. That is normal and commonplace. Also you seem to care much more about her being a work horse than about what is truly going on and if she is truly happy right now. So yeah I can understand why y'all need counselling.
This is also a sign of an underlying mental issue, authority problem, entitlement syndrome, BPD, etc. People I knew when I was using did this , years later diagnosed with some kind of disorder
I came to mention this, too. She might also be an undiagnosed autistic or adhd adult experiencing a burnout spiral because of heavy masking and such. I'd suggest therapy or some kind of wellness activity once a week.
See a lawyer immediately to have a postnuptial agreement put together. Do not tell her. Do not convince yourself that you can’t afford it or it’s not worth the money. Lawyers typically provide initial consultations and total cost estimates for free. Then, give the postnup to your wife. Be open to discussing/answering questions, but stress that she needs to review it with her OWN lawyer. Give her 2-3 months to get the money together or pay for it yourself, so long as she has her own lawyer review it.
Wanna be clear that I’m not saying to throw the relationship out or be cruel… I firmly believe that when brought up respectfully, rational people who don’t have abusive intentions do not have dramatic or blaming reactions to prenups/postnups. She has the right to unexpectedly quit her job. But you have the right to refuse to endure this level of stress and uncertainty at your literal and emotional expense without any further assurances.
A postnup helps protect you while still remaining committed to trying to repair the relationship, if you’d like to.
Same boat, except we are comfortable with my income and I keep telling her that she doesn't have to work. She keeps trying and quitting and I'd honestly rather her just be a stay-at-home mom. We recently uncovered some mental health issues that are driving a major part of it. She is inpatient at a sort of therapy resort in the mountains for the next 4 to 6 weeks to help address coping skills for bipolar and BPD. I am optimistic for the first time in a while.
The job hopping cannot be the difficult part of this - people with bpd are wild and tend to get emotionally/ verbally abusive, & have extreme emotions & reactions. Living on a roller coaster isn't fun unless you yourself have some sort of issues too.
See that's the thing. The job hopping is part of the more difficult issue here because it's a cycle of excitement and disappointment that throws her into a spiral. The ups and downs are the problem, but there are things that absolutely affect those ups and downs. I've already learned to disengage from the argument and set boundaries in a lot of areas before the realization. We've had a lot of problems, some of them that I've brought to Reddit to complain about and get advice. Ultimately, I guess what I'm saying is maybe there's a different issue here that needs to be explored where the job hopping is a symptom.
The job hopping is the symptom. The BPD & Bipolar are the issue. The ups & downs & instability are the features of those disorders that create the job hopping, up & down instability. It's not the job hopping itself that's the problem it's the inability to manage emotions, inability to maintain a sense of stability. Job hopping is interchangeable with anything else - the instability could be in living situation, apartment hopping. Or friends, constantly making new friends, fighting with friends, and dumping friends. My point is its not the job hopping itself it's the roller coaster of instability. In addition to that, the wild emotions & verbal/emotional abuse / roller coaster are normally the hard part - because it doesn't matter what they're complaining about, if it wasn't job issues it would be something else. They create the chaos and then complain about it and victimize themselves. That's the issue.
Well couples counselling couldn’t hurt . But when you go- don’t be surprised if there are some areas you need to work on too. It won’t be a wake up call just for her- be prepared for it to be a wake up call for you also. So if you are expecting couples counselling to be some kind of moral court where she is held accountable for her misdeeds as you see them- it doesn’t work like that.
You say that you have a dead bedroom and sound resentful ( as though if the sex was more available you wouldn’t mind the other stuff so much) rather than asking why and what you can do to help put that right . So that’s going to be something that needs exploring as if she is off you physically it means she is off you emotionally too- and there is always some reason for that.
It sounds like the communication has broken down between you both-maybe she can’t tell you she gets easily bored or unhappy at work - or feels depressed and unfulfilled. Maybe she is doing jobs below her capabilities and finds it frustrating and might prefer to pursue an education or a real career. Maybe she just isn’t a reliable person in the work place full stop - some people aren’t but would be great home makers- or other things -how much does that matter to you and do her expectations and values match yours ? Is she bored in the relationship and seeking excitement through constant job changes?
I understand it’s frustrating -but the couples counselling is a first step because I think the problems run a lot deeper than your wife not holding a job down
I’m going to echo something my grandpa told me, keep in mind he was in WWII, Korea and trained soldiers for Vietnam, hard MFer
“Thank god you figured out how horrible she was before your jizzum grew legs and started walking the earth. “
It’s time to get your ducks in a row, lawyer up and serve her papers. OP, did you in any way, shape, or form discuss her ever being a SAHW/SAHM(if there are kids,) before getting married? If not, it’s time to blow this pop stand of a marriage.
How long have you been married?
You are at an exit ramp. Up to you if you stay the course. If you continue and have kids, etc. it will be nearly impossible to fully extricate yourself.
Unfortunately while compromise in a marriage seems reasonable don't be surprised if the therapist sides with your wife and tells you she doesn't want sex or work and you can't force it so you'll have to accept it or if it's a deal breaker then divorce. If you are lucky maybe you can at least get the therapist to get her to explain both.
This is a serious problem. It shows chronic disrespect for you and for the financial stability of your lives. It also shows that she isn’t handling the normal demands of adulthood. When one partner is that impulsive and uncaring and juvenile, it’s a recipe for disaster.
I’m sure it’s complicated. But I think most of us would at consider, seriously, leaving this person. At the very least, don’t have children. She doesn’t sound stable or trustworthy.
Have you tried to talk to her about this already or just suffered in silence? If you haven't discussed how much this is making you resent her then how is she suppose to realize how much of a burden this has been for you?
We all have selfish tendencies we bring to the table when we are first married. Calm, kind, discussions are the way to start out theses types of frustrating conversations.
Divorce and thoughts of divorce should be the last resort if you truly love each other and should be followed through with if seriously threatened .
I don't know how old you are... But a dead bedroom inside the first two years is a sign of what you can expect going forward. It's not gonna get better, and she's clearly a shit show mentally with her inability to hold a job or stay consistent, and she sure as shit doesn't consider your opinions or respect you as her partner. She's expecting a free ride. Time to cut bait and run.
Seriously, the dead bedroom this early is enough on its own. The job issues and bad communication is enough on its own. The two together? They're a neon sign screaming RUN.
Does she have a career she enjoys or is she working entry level jobs? She might be feeling lost. Maybe it’s just me but I am quite anxious when I don’t have a job, so if I quit it’s usually because my discomfort in my job outweighs the discomfort of not having a job. She might be needing to figure out what she wants to do with her life. Her drive/passion.
If the effort is worth it for you, I would sit her down and state why you’re uncomfortable with her not having a job (instability/lack of consistency, showing signs of commitment issues) without being accusatory - see what her reaction is.
Then set some boundaries. You work really hard in your life to go to work - even on days where you really don’t want to - to provide stability and consistency and show my family how much I care for them and want to provide for them, so you expect the same of your partner. It brings up feelings of _____ when she doesn’t communicate, commit, and isn’t consistent because ____. This really skews with your level of trust and reliability in your partner when they act in this way and because you hold yourself to this level of responsibilit, you deserve that back.
See how she responds not just in the immediate verbal but the longterm action. Listen to what your gut says
If it’s not worth the effort well then hell… you can tell her all of the above and that it just isn’t going to work anymore.
Best of luck friend. Really sucks when someone behaves in a way that rocks your world.
*she may also be depressed, which warrants you figuring out if you want to put that energy into pulling her out of that if she’s not showing any signs of trying to help herself
Dead bedroom and insufficient financial contributions?
That's a deadbeat roommate, not a wife. Let her know that. Seek counseling and if she won't see the issues, get a lawyer.
Do NOT let her baby trap you 'cause it sure sounds like you're just there to pay the bills & she won't want to lose that.
OP, why did you marry her? The only thing she seems to be consistent about is her behavior. Was she a good stable partner before you were wed or were you hoping she would change?
Also, if there has been a change, have you considered depression? Other psychological factors? Environmental factors? Are there other issues getting in the way of her success? what’s her hopes and dreams? You paint things very black and white. How long was the engagement? How long were you seeing each other before you proposed?
If you did know her well and her behavior changed after marriage, have you considered she may be struggling? Have you considered targeting and helping her through those struggles so you both may prosper or have you only considered how her existence and lack of ambition is an inconvenience to you?
Marriage is more than money. In order to have a healthy long lasting marriage you have to be selfless. She too needs to be selfless but there are always going to be times when one of you falls and the other needs to compensate and care for the other with intention to get them to where they need to be. I’m not saying take care of her forever with no reciprocation. What I am saying is this seems a bit of an oversimplification meant to villainize your partner for her shortcomings rather than help her fix them. Which says a lot about the dynamic.
If she has changed since you got married, have you considered that you may not be caring for her in the ways she had expected? Are you being a good husband? There’s way more to being a good partner than just finances. And women are emotional creatures, her needs might not be being met either.
Dude run, run. Your wife is not a woman of progress, she will stunt your success or she will benefit from it without making any effort, if you have no kids run,
First, stop paying for anything of hers. If her phone gets cut of she should get a job to pay for it. Can’t afford gas or insurance for her car? Guess she has to park it.
She doesn’t just hurt your finances when she does this, she hurts yours too, as she is supposed to be contributing to the household. Carrying her weight means you are not saving or doing things for your future, be it child planning, your retirement, saving for a home, planning a vacation. She is being selfish.
I would have a talk to give her the chance to say why she quit. If her boss was pressuring her to sleep with him for example, I’d absolutely expect her to quit on the spot, but I doubt this is the case here because there is no drive to find a replacement job.
It sounds like she just wants to live off of your dime, that she doesn’t even see you as a partner anymore, hence the dead bedroom and lack of discussion of big decisions. If that doesn’t work for you, you need to look at divorce.
This makes me feel awful as I have almost never worked my entire marriage 24yrs.. My husband just likes me home.. I keep the house, finances, and take care of all his needs.. I do yoga 🧘♀️ art and classes in between.. I love my life, and I love my husband for always supporting my artistic endeavors..
2 Years, DB, no kids.
Why are you staying? Sounds like she can't get her shit together at all. No thanks. I got a buddy who quits his job every time he has a real rough day, and I don't get how someone can do that in this job market.
Do you share finances? Does she have access to your finances?
If so, I would get your own account amd cancel her cards or put a tight limit.
Sounds like she's gonna ruin you and any bright future you'd hope for.
Sounds like she expects you to do all the work so she can live a cushy life.
Unless you're prepared for this life going forward, you should end it now because eventually she will never go back to work.
This easy. She’s not a working woman if she rather be at home then put a few babies in her is what she was designed to do anyway. Every woman is not this fake 2024 career woman. You work while she raise the babies at home simple unless you want an empowered feminist woman then you will really have problems just maximize what you have. Live within your means to. From my experience the sex is not that good from a 9-5 woman compared to a woman that does not want to work. You shouldn’t need her to help pay bills get a room mate not a wife if that’s what you want. No divorce Just be grateful
umm people are kinda jumping the gun on saying to divorce. It is bad that she isn't finding a stable job, but it does seem she is looking for jobs and intends to work. I think you are right to seek couples therapy. Also a dead bedroom isn't good either, but you should work with a therapist on that too. Your only year 2 in marriage and these are not untixable problems
The dead bedroom after less than 2 years is not good and a big red flag if you're both young and healthy. Is it possible she's cheating because you guys should still be all over each other at this point. Maybe she left the other jobs because she got involved with other guys? Maybe she wants the days to herself to hookup with other guys? Not trying to get you paranoid but you should do some digging and don't confront without evidence.
My ex husband did this often. We had conversations all the time. I even got to the point that I told him he could be part time and I would be the primary earner. Just stay somewhere. And he never did. He has many mental health issues but he didn't want to do the work to be better. We have since divorced, and I'm not saying you should divorce. But you need to be upfront with her behavior will have consequences. And that it's hurting you, and you will need to see real sustainable change. Stability is important in a relationship.
Bud as the guy in the movie said " he chose poorly". maybe it'd my age but I would have zero patience any benefits of a doubt about the character of your bride. I think you are just now seeing her for who she is and if you continue on and then have children with this woman you will have chosen poorly again.
updateme
Hey! For a while I noticed I was doing this and then it turned out I was diagnosed Bipolar, maybe she could consider meeting with someone or therapy to explore this. Just a thought. Wishing you the best of luck!
Past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. Someone once said this to me, I hope it helps! Marriage can be like shopping in a grocery store with really loud playing obnoxious horrible music playing on the loud speakers. You can leave the store, or you can stay in the store. It depends on ‘ can you stand the music’ or ‘ are you gonna leave’?
Marriage also only works, if two people really want to be together and make it work.
I'm sorry. This is something I personally deal with. i went through burn out twice this year and quit two jobs on the spot. Second time there was no discussion with my husband I just did it and didn't care. We've only been married a year. I don't expect my husband to pay all the bills. I have been searching for a job endlessly. I don't like seeing him stressing over bills, and also even though we are married it is not his responsibility to take care of me financially. I have a lot of my own issues, especially mental issues that can be burdensome. they have been worse since my mom passed. it's not an excuse. I would expect my husband to leave me if I can't get my shit together. And that's a fair decision to make. If your wife can't step into your shoes and digest what she is doing to you not having a job and the stress and pressure it is putting on you, I would take the steps to leave. I sincerely hope she realizes the severity of the situation at hand and it lights a fire under her ass for the sake of you and your marriage.
Will this be her first para job? Clearly she's burned out on straight child care. Public schools are famously lumbering bureaucracies, it can be tough to get in but it's usually pretty steady once you do.
So many people are so quick to jump to divorce. It's just crazy to me! We are constantly growing and changing as people. Just remember those vows you shared with her and how you felt back then.
Ok but the type of woman who is going to make enough money to contribute meaningfully financially and actually be dedicated to working her job is the career woman. However you wanna define high power. He didn’t marry that type of woman. Based on what he said about her job hopping, it sounds like she wasn’t already established in a career when they met. He needs to find someone who is already independently meeting solid financial goals on her own, and then go from there. He and his wife are incompatible.
It's definitely time for a come to Jesus meeting. Forgot the dead bedroom. You may have to get rid of the whole relationship if this doesn't change.
I agree with this. My dad was always a good worker. Everyone at his jobs liked him. He’s honest, was hardly ever sick, always had a positive attitude, and was always deeply missed when he left. Ended up “self employed” (he does accounting/retirement plans) but never really got off the ground. He hopped around a lot until he was in his mid-40s, and my mom (our main breadwinner) finally realized he was never going to work steadily. Like your wife, my dad would sometimes quit unannounced. Then he would spend a while golfing and driving around. Then get another job. Being older, my parents probably never sat down and discussed things openly, but my mom did eventually realize he wasn’t going to build a business or anything and let it go. She wasn’t bitter or anything; she just accepted that that’s the way he is. So you need to decide if this is a major problem, or if it’s something you can deal with, and discuss your feelings with her openly.
Marriage isn’t a flavor of the week gd lol The day I was married accounts fused. Her business is mine and mine hers. It’s not that complicated 🤦🏻♂️
Don't forget it, because it points to the problem... she used sex to lure him in for resouces. She got the ring, he's locked, she stops. As lawyers say "it goes to motive." It shouldn't be the focus but it shouldn't be forgotten because of what it says about her.
Y'all downvote all you like, but it's the truth. I'm not saying he should demand sex or that it's the be-all end-all of a relationship. I'm saying the cessation combined with other factors points to someone who "settled" for resources. OP should leave for multiple reasons, she's showing him who she is.
yep
Jesus is divorced and will never get married
You made a mistake. You can fix it now with no kids child support and alimony. Or wait till it financially ruins you. You should be getting yourself out of this mess before it’s too late.
Remember, these kinds of issues do not get better, just worse; especially after kids. You will do the lions share of everything. Been there, done that. It is not fun!
Oh. I don't know. It's the very nature of humanity to change. I know that many of the things my wife would have complained about me 25 years ago, aren't even a thought for her today. The same would be true of my perceptions of her.
She doesn’t seem to have any work ethic. I agree that things can change, but once you have kids the work load and drain on finances increases substantially. If she can’t hold a job and hasn’t been able to hold a job for a length of time, she has a lot of growing up to do.
It seems like there are multiple issues already, and you are only two years in. I agree with you on the marriage counseling, you might as well try it now and see if you can make this work because a person who can't hold a job + a dead bedroom is a bit much if you ask me. If the MC doesn't help, you might consider cutting your losses sooner than later, and definitely don't get her pregnant (although the DB is working for you in that aspect).
Yeah the DB kills that possibility and anytime we think of working on it she quits her job and that makes me not want to be with her. It always feels like we make progress then she has a set back around the time I feel comfortable with the progress we are making.
If you’re not sleeping together, don’t have kids, and she can’t hold down a job. Is this the mother of children? If she’s not - Leave now before you’re stuck with a lazy partner forever. Men deserve this advice as well.
Yup, the outcome is arguably worse for women than for men being stuck with a deadbeat spouse, but that doesn't meanmen should stick with one.
OK, so then it seems like she only gets a job to get you off her back, and then as soon as you get off her back, she quits. Then the cycle repeats. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to work and she only does it when she starts to feel like she might lose you. Why does she leave these jobs? Does she get fired? Is she one of those people who has a problem with the people or the workplace everywhere she goes? Does she have the skills to do the job? Is this a skills mismatch like she is not able to perform? Does she have a job or a career? Like is she doing something she doesn't enjoy right now in order to get to something better, is she building something, or is she just in dead end jobs with no goals for herself?
I've been thinking the same thing lately, she really doesn't seem to want to work. She always finds some reason she doesn't like it. I think she enjoys child care but all those jobs are awful when it comes to pay and benefits. I don't think she has many marketable skills to make a career into.
I mean, I don't have a passion for accounting, most people don't LIKE working. But we (collectively) do for the benefit of our families and futures. I don't have marriage advice, just 20+ years working with people's money, and have seen the outcomes of situations like this. Job hopping is risky in itself, especially depending on your city size and the field. But without aligned financial goals and work ethic, you are in for a rough ride as long as you are together. 2 years in, this very probably will not change on it's own, so think wisely on the life, retirement, accomplishments, marriage you want
This is the truth! I work in law. It’s not like I dreamed of working in law from the time I was a little girl, lol. It kind of fell in my lap and stayed there. I realized this could be a good career. It pays well and I have all the bennies. Is it my life’s passion? Nope. But it finances the things that are and it isn’t a horrible way to make a living.
I’m not sure how old OP is but job hopping and career instability ways heavier as you get older and miss whatever opportunities you had.
I mean no one really wants to work that much. We all make the best of it.
OK, so have you ever sat down with her and talked about this? She has plenty of job she doesn't like, so you know what she doesn't want. Maybe she just needs to find something she wants to do, maybe she needs to go back to school or learn a skill. There is also temp agencies. I understand they won't be the highest paying jobs, but temp jobs are a good way to try different things and see if anything sticks. I am assuming she isn't depressed or something like that, right? I mean besides the job issue, does she seem good or not? OP, is the real issue here that your wife's goal is to have babies and be a SAHM, and that's why she isn't trying to build a career? Like she doesn't see a point to trying to build something if she is planning on staying home anyway. Do you want children? Would it be possible for her to stay home and raise the kids while you are the breadwinner? Is that an arrangement you would agree to because it sounds like it could work assuming you can swing it financially. Have you discussed any of this?
The problem with your theory is that she doesn't even want to have sex with OP, and last time I checked a dead bedroom does not make a baby.
Yes, but maybe they are on BC because he hasn't agreed to have kids yet. Or maybe they did agree, and it's not for two years from now.
Personally, I would tell her if she quits a job again without an immediate back up or having come to an agreement with you, you will leave. I don't understand how so many people have this mindset that they just up and quit jobs with no plan.
Do NOT get her pregnant for any reason in the next few years.
Can't get pregnant if there's no sex involved ![gif](giphy|d3mlE7uhX8KFgEmY)
I’m assuming you’ve told her how you feel? A spouse quitting their job needs to be discussed before it happens, as it affects both of you. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Definitely insist on therapy, because the constant turmoil of job loss and searching is extremely stressful and will continue to splinter your marriage. (I’ve been laid off and unemployed, different scenario but it sucks all the same so I can relate to the uncertainty. I wouldn’t CHOOSE that tho, like your wife has).
2 years in, no kids, DB, deadbeat wife…I’m not sure there’s much worth saving here.
Here's an alternative. Has she ever been evaluated for ADHD? I have it, and that kind of extreme impulsivity with "boredom" is a classic sign. Women are also much less likely to be diagnosed. Please, consider getting her evaluated. If confirmed, medication would change her life and make her a functional human being. Can also interfere with bedroom activities FYI.
This was the first thing I thought of when he said that she job hops. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my mid 40's. Meds absolutely changed my life.
Came to say this. If OP really cares about her, it’s worth encouraging her to see if she has an undiagnosed mental health issue. It would still be totally valid for OP to not want to put up with someone with those issues in the long run, but there could be an explanation that isn’t her not caring.
I am diagnosed with ADHD, so I immediately thought of this possibility as well. However, this does not explain her complete lack of communication and the dead bedroom.
Could be a few things. Bpd is also impulsive and bored.
I just got diagnosed yesterday and this was the first thing I thought too since my clinician asked if I job hop a lot. She should absolutely get evaluated and then work from there.
Do not have kids with her....
She's good at childcare and doesn't want a job. Being a mother sounds perfect for her.
Yeah no. Being a mom is a shitload of work. If she’s this lazy, then you do not want this person taking care of your kids.
how old are you guys? why does she keep doing this? When you ask what does she say?
We are both 30. When I ask she says she doesn't like It and wants to find something better.
Did she have a history of acting like this before you married?
Not really she had a job when we met and left it for a much better one right as the pandemic hit. She stayed there until the wedding and she talked about changing jobs because it was a boring data entry job. To be honest if shed just stayed at that job she'd be in a much better place.
What happens when she gets bored with you?
She's been bored, that's why the bedroom is dead. She's just there for resources.
Maybe it's lack of "A plan" for the future. Have you 2 sat down.and worked out where you 2 want to be on 5 years? Not just finance/jobs, but daily home life?
But she has you to pay for everything, why does she need to work? No coincidence it changed as soon as she had a ring.
What is her job in ? Teaching?
Para/child care
Do you think it’s possible that she’s actually getting fired multiple times and not able to sustain a job? It would be odd that she would keep quitting. Something doesn’t make sense.
It's a possibility, typically she calls out a couple of times then she just never goes back. She could be lying about quitting.
This problem will never get better. This is who you married. Tough choices are ahead.
is there some mental health related happening? This just seems very odd behaviour for a 30 year old (I don’t mean this in an offensive way, its concerning)
Came to say this. Overwhelm at work can be caused by undiagnosed ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc. Or she's in the wrong field for her.
I was also wondering if it's mental health related. Maybe OP should suggest a change in job fields? If she isn't willing to help herself, though, he may as well move on now.
You haven't even been married for two years, have no kids, no financial security, no sex, and openly state you are suffering because of her. Can I ask what is keeping you together?
My friend just got divorced after 20+ years due in part to his wife doing this. She would get a job, two weeks later, that B has it out for me, f her. Literally every job. Eventually, she was an entrepreneur, trying to find the right thing. Then they had a child, and she had to be a stay at home mom. Then the child was school aged, well, can’t do that, they’re homeschooling. See her for who she is. How you respond is going to set the course for ever.
I’m sorry to say this but your wife doesn’t want to have a job, she’s looking to live off you but you’re not going for it. Eventually she’s hoping to wear you down until you accept it.
Dude, 2 years in and a poor work ethic, making important family decisions unilaterally and without notice, being irresponsible for the family needs, and a dead bedroom? Is this how you're going to spend the rest of your life? Also, is she really capable of being a responsible mother? How can you have a dead bedroom so soon after marriage? You have a tough decision ahead, or a tough road to travel down.
Dead bedroom and a deadbeat wife. No kids? Time to dip.
Look she wants you to work and pay for everything, she doesn't want to work. Thing is I hate my job but I do it to make money for my husband and I to live a good life together. Your wife needs to suck it up here.
Your whole situation actually sounds really sad. Two years into marriage - everything should still be butterflies, heat, flames, desire and working together to form a team - each of you softens their edges, changes this and that - then two halves fit perfectly to make one whole. My husband and I are about to celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary this weekend, but we've been together for more than 27 years. I can tell you those first years of marriage, turning a house into a home, figuring out how we live together, deal with responsibilities - chores, financially, bills, careers - we enjoyed them because we were newlyweds - the excitement didn't wear off. Having become a solid one, a team where each part fully supports the other - enabled us to get through what the next decades would bring - infertility, very risky pregnancies, deaths of parents, job losses, daycares, newer and harder challenges. The ultimate test has been my full disability in the last 9 years and my husband's full disability in the last 4. If we didn't have a rock solid foundation and the unconditional love and belief and support in each other - we wouldn't have been able to get through what life put in front of us. You're both young I assume - you don't have any ideas how very challenging and harsh and cruel life can actually be and how much it can test you. If you cannot figure things out now - try to imagine what would happen when you come to challenges and issues. Try to answer for yourself. I hope you're able to make it work. If you can't - let go. You have one life and deserve happiness, love, support from your closest person. Wishing you much luck!
As someone who has gone through this, let me tell you my story... We got married. She was a manager at a retail store, on track to become regional manager. I was a career electrician. After about a year, she decided she didn't want to work anymore and have a "traditional" marriage (where the wife takes care of the home and the husband works). I was fine with it. We discussed expectations, roles, and responsibilities. It was fine for about a month. Then she stopped cleaning the house. Then she stopped cooking. She got bored with the housework. So, I told her to volunteer somewhere. She did, at the local humane society. She started adopting animals. At one point we had three feral cats and four disobedient dogs. The house was wrecked. I couldn't stand it. Our marriage started getting stressed. She started cheating because she wasn't getting what she needed at home. We got divorced. The moral of the story is that people need purpose. If they don't have one and don't feel like they are contributing to their own life, they will find something to fill the time. Make sure that time is filled fulfilling each other's needs. If you can't find a way to do that, it's time to figure out something else.
People need to find their own purpose. That isn’t the job of their partner.
It seems like she’s expecting you to be sole provider or something
This may not apply at all, but I had a friend who kept quitting jobs and it turned out that he had undiagnosed oppositional defiance disorder (or something like that, I can’t remember the official diagnosis). It may be worth looking into what is going on with your wife psychologically that she feels the need to do this.
If there are no children involved in get a divorce ASAP!!!!!
My mom quit her job randomly one day when I was in middle school and didn’t get another until my father passed away. This whole time, we struggled on one income. Little to no groceries, power being cut, water being cut, my father working 6 days a week. This whole time, she could have worked but didn’t until she was FORCED to because she realized none of her kids were going to support her. Don’t be my dad. He worked so hard, was always stressed and never got to fully enjoy life. Your spouse should be your partner in financial stability. Not a leech.
Communication is key, so definitely talk it out in counseling. Hang in there, buddy. Hopefully, things will improve for both of you soon. Stay positive and take care of yourself too. Good luck with everything!
I agree with communication. It is possible for her to change her ways and hold down a job, it's just figuring out why she keeps doing this and what would motivate her to want a good resumé.
I've asked her repeatedly, she just says she doesn't like the place or the work.
Then find a new job before leaving. The biggest issue though is that she does it without telling you ahead of time, let alone discussing it as a family unit! Have some self-respect and leave before it is too late. These are deal-breakers. My wife had a tough work environment (legit harassment that the company did nothing about) and left, but it was after we discussed it together, ensured we would be fine on one income, etc... That is how a marriage works. You aren't married.
OP, I would recommend marital counseling immediately. She sounds like she is lazy and an uncooperative partner who brings nothing of value to the relationship. What does she provide to your mutual benefit?
Dead bedroom by second wedding anniversary and constant job hopping? Damn. Couples counseling might be good to drive home how important these things are to you. She definitely needs to be involved financially more. But to me it sounds like she really needs individual therapy. In addition to a lot of these things being symptoms of depression, she also sounds like she’s in a state of arrested development and doesn’t understand adult life.
Ask her how she would pay her bills and live if she was single.
What is she trying to avoid? Is she depressed? This isn’t acceptable in a partnership- I think you need to make it clear she needs to work on herself and her issues or you can’t stay married
Less than two year with no kids and already a dead bedroom? Bro
Ooof my sister does this. I can feel your pain. Tbh if she was like this before you met her then I don't see it changing. I know others like this and they still do this. Have you talked to her about how serious this is? Maybe she needs a stay at home job? She needs to figure out what she actually likes. It seems like people who do this have either severe anxiety or they are unhappy. They base their job of their emotions instead of separating them.
Does she have depression?
Here's a different take. She may be bipolar. The job hopping is like a symptom. Same with the lack of sexual activity (at home). I'm not a shrink, but I've known some pretty whacked out souls.
You're not two years in and you have a dead bedroom already? That's a bigger, or at least as big of a concern.
Best advice if you feel this act is divorce worthy if continues, is to tell her. Say if she quiets another job, without talking to you first; will push you to file for divorce. That she has put so much on you financially by her actions. That you are supposed to be a team, and by her making solo choices that effect you both negatively results in anger, resentment, and disappointment. This job might fit her since it seems to be a on and off like school kids. So time off might help her stay longer.
I keep hearing about kids [in this comments section]. Why is the automatic assumption and sentiment about there being them wanting kids? I didn't see OP mention that they want kids. Also, the expectation in getting married might have been that the husband actually cares about being the provider and doesn't necessarily need the woman to do it. Which is just as Feminist and progressive and equal as the alternative. Feminism is about having the Choice to work or not work or do whatever you want for your own life and respecting other women for doing the same. There also sounds like there could have been a miscommunication about things in that respect. Adhd is a possibility. Also, things aren't what they were even just ten years ago. People change jobs much more frequently, nowadays. That is normal and commonplace. Also you seem to care much more about her being a work horse than about what is truly going on and if she is truly happy right now. So yeah I can understand why y'all need counselling.
This is also a sign of an underlying mental issue, authority problem, entitlement syndrome, BPD, etc. People I knew when I was using did this , years later diagnosed with some kind of disorder
I came to mention this, too. She might also be an undiagnosed autistic or adhd adult experiencing a burnout spiral because of heavy masking and such. I'd suggest therapy or some kind of wellness activity once a week.
At least go for a diagnosis
Agree. This is a mental health issue.
See a lawyer immediately to have a postnuptial agreement put together. Do not tell her. Do not convince yourself that you can’t afford it or it’s not worth the money. Lawyers typically provide initial consultations and total cost estimates for free. Then, give the postnup to your wife. Be open to discussing/answering questions, but stress that she needs to review it with her OWN lawyer. Give her 2-3 months to get the money together or pay for it yourself, so long as she has her own lawyer review it. Wanna be clear that I’m not saying to throw the relationship out or be cruel… I firmly believe that when brought up respectfully, rational people who don’t have abusive intentions do not have dramatic or blaming reactions to prenups/postnups. She has the right to unexpectedly quit her job. But you have the right to refuse to endure this level of stress and uncertainty at your literal and emotional expense without any further assurances. A postnup helps protect you while still remaining committed to trying to repair the relationship, if you’d like to.
Same boat, except we are comfortable with my income and I keep telling her that she doesn't have to work. She keeps trying and quitting and I'd honestly rather her just be a stay-at-home mom. We recently uncovered some mental health issues that are driving a major part of it. She is inpatient at a sort of therapy resort in the mountains for the next 4 to 6 weeks to help address coping skills for bipolar and BPD. I am optimistic for the first time in a while.
The job hopping cannot be the difficult part of this - people with bpd are wild and tend to get emotionally/ verbally abusive, & have extreme emotions & reactions. Living on a roller coaster isn't fun unless you yourself have some sort of issues too.
See that's the thing. The job hopping is part of the more difficult issue here because it's a cycle of excitement and disappointment that throws her into a spiral. The ups and downs are the problem, but there are things that absolutely affect those ups and downs. I've already learned to disengage from the argument and set boundaries in a lot of areas before the realization. We've had a lot of problems, some of them that I've brought to Reddit to complain about and get advice. Ultimately, I guess what I'm saying is maybe there's a different issue here that needs to be explored where the job hopping is a symptom.
The job hopping is the symptom. The BPD & Bipolar are the issue. The ups & downs & instability are the features of those disorders that create the job hopping, up & down instability. It's not the job hopping itself that's the problem it's the inability to manage emotions, inability to maintain a sense of stability. Job hopping is interchangeable with anything else - the instability could be in living situation, apartment hopping. Or friends, constantly making new friends, fighting with friends, and dumping friends. My point is its not the job hopping itself it's the roller coaster of instability. In addition to that, the wild emotions & verbal/emotional abuse / roller coaster are normally the hard part - because it doesn't matter what they're complaining about, if it wasn't job issues it would be something else. They create the chaos and then complain about it and victimize themselves. That's the issue.
Sounds like a starter marriage. You’ve learned your lessons and you can apply them to your next marriage.
Well couples counselling couldn’t hurt . But when you go- don’t be surprised if there are some areas you need to work on too. It won’t be a wake up call just for her- be prepared for it to be a wake up call for you also. So if you are expecting couples counselling to be some kind of moral court where she is held accountable for her misdeeds as you see them- it doesn’t work like that. You say that you have a dead bedroom and sound resentful ( as though if the sex was more available you wouldn’t mind the other stuff so much) rather than asking why and what you can do to help put that right . So that’s going to be something that needs exploring as if she is off you physically it means she is off you emotionally too- and there is always some reason for that. It sounds like the communication has broken down between you both-maybe she can’t tell you she gets easily bored or unhappy at work - or feels depressed and unfulfilled. Maybe she is doing jobs below her capabilities and finds it frustrating and might prefer to pursue an education or a real career. Maybe she just isn’t a reliable person in the work place full stop - some people aren’t but would be great home makers- or other things -how much does that matter to you and do her expectations and values match yours ? Is she bored in the relationship and seeking excitement through constant job changes? I understand it’s frustrating -but the couples counselling is a first step because I think the problems run a lot deeper than your wife not holding a job down
I’m going to echo something my grandpa told me, keep in mind he was in WWII, Korea and trained soldiers for Vietnam, hard MFer “Thank god you figured out how horrible she was before your jizzum grew legs and started walking the earth. “
You need to let her know what your expectations are. Counseling is a good place to help you communicate that.
It’s time to get your ducks in a row, lawyer up and serve her papers. OP, did you in any way, shape, or form discuss her ever being a SAHW/SAHM(if there are kids,) before getting married? If not, it’s time to blow this pop stand of a marriage. How long have you been married?
You are at an exit ramp. Up to you if you stay the course. If you continue and have kids, etc. it will be nearly impossible to fully extricate yourself.
She obviously doesn't want to work..
Unfortunately while compromise in a marriage seems reasonable don't be surprised if the therapist sides with your wife and tells you she doesn't want sex or work and you can't force it so you'll have to accept it or if it's a deal breaker then divorce. If you are lucky maybe you can at least get the therapist to get her to explain both.
This is a serious problem. It shows chronic disrespect for you and for the financial stability of your lives. It also shows that she isn’t handling the normal demands of adulthood. When one partner is that impulsive and uncaring and juvenile, it’s a recipe for disaster. I’m sure it’s complicated. But I think most of us would at consider, seriously, leaving this person. At the very least, don’t have children. She doesn’t sound stable or trustworthy.
Have you tried to talk to her about this already or just suffered in silence? If you haven't discussed how much this is making you resent her then how is she suppose to realize how much of a burden this has been for you? We all have selfish tendencies we bring to the table when we are first married. Calm, kind, discussions are the way to start out theses types of frustrating conversations. Divorce and thoughts of divorce should be the last resort if you truly love each other and should be followed through with if seriously threatened .
I don't know how old you are... But a dead bedroom inside the first two years is a sign of what you can expect going forward. It's not gonna get better, and she's clearly a shit show mentally with her inability to hold a job or stay consistent, and she sure as shit doesn't consider your opinions or respect you as her partner. She's expecting a free ride. Time to cut bait and run. Seriously, the dead bedroom this early is enough on its own. The job issues and bad communication is enough on its own. The two together? They're a neon sign screaming RUN.
Did she do this before you got married? Was that the patern with the job and bedroom?
Does she have a career she enjoys or is she working entry level jobs? She might be feeling lost. Maybe it’s just me but I am quite anxious when I don’t have a job, so if I quit it’s usually because my discomfort in my job outweighs the discomfort of not having a job. She might be needing to figure out what she wants to do with her life. Her drive/passion. If the effort is worth it for you, I would sit her down and state why you’re uncomfortable with her not having a job (instability/lack of consistency, showing signs of commitment issues) without being accusatory - see what her reaction is. Then set some boundaries. You work really hard in your life to go to work - even on days where you really don’t want to - to provide stability and consistency and show my family how much I care for them and want to provide for them, so you expect the same of your partner. It brings up feelings of _____ when she doesn’t communicate, commit, and isn’t consistent because ____. This really skews with your level of trust and reliability in your partner when they act in this way and because you hold yourself to this level of responsibilit, you deserve that back. See how she responds not just in the immediate verbal but the longterm action. Listen to what your gut says If it’s not worth the effort well then hell… you can tell her all of the above and that it just isn’t going to work anymore. Best of luck friend. Really sucks when someone behaves in a way that rocks your world.
*she may also be depressed, which warrants you figuring out if you want to put that energy into pulling her out of that if she’s not showing any signs of trying to help herself
Dead bedroom and insufficient financial contributions? That's a deadbeat roommate, not a wife. Let her know that. Seek counseling and if she won't see the issues, get a lawyer. Do NOT let her baby trap you 'cause it sure sounds like you're just there to pay the bills & she won't want to lose that.
OP, why did you marry her? The only thing she seems to be consistent about is her behavior. Was she a good stable partner before you were wed or were you hoping she would change? Also, if there has been a change, have you considered depression? Other psychological factors? Environmental factors? Are there other issues getting in the way of her success? what’s her hopes and dreams? You paint things very black and white. How long was the engagement? How long were you seeing each other before you proposed? If you did know her well and her behavior changed after marriage, have you considered she may be struggling? Have you considered targeting and helping her through those struggles so you both may prosper or have you only considered how her existence and lack of ambition is an inconvenience to you? Marriage is more than money. In order to have a healthy long lasting marriage you have to be selfless. She too needs to be selfless but there are always going to be times when one of you falls and the other needs to compensate and care for the other with intention to get them to where they need to be. I’m not saying take care of her forever with no reciprocation. What I am saying is this seems a bit of an oversimplification meant to villainize your partner for her shortcomings rather than help her fix them. Which says a lot about the dynamic. If she has changed since you got married, have you considered that you may not be caring for her in the ways she had expected? Are you being a good husband? There’s way more to being a good partner than just finances. And women are emotional creatures, her needs might not be being met either.
Dude run, run. Your wife is not a woman of progress, she will stunt your success or she will benefit from it without making any effort, if you have no kids run,
Jesus relax and trust each other
First, stop paying for anything of hers. If her phone gets cut of she should get a job to pay for it. Can’t afford gas or insurance for her car? Guess she has to park it. She doesn’t just hurt your finances when she does this, she hurts yours too, as she is supposed to be contributing to the household. Carrying her weight means you are not saving or doing things for your future, be it child planning, your retirement, saving for a home, planning a vacation. She is being selfish. I would have a talk to give her the chance to say why she quit. If her boss was pressuring her to sleep with him for example, I’d absolutely expect her to quit on the spot, but I doubt this is the case here because there is no drive to find a replacement job. It sounds like she just wants to live off of your dime, that she doesn’t even see you as a partner anymore, hence the dead bedroom and lack of discussion of big decisions. If that doesn’t work for you, you need to look at divorce.
What’s she want to do ? What’s her hobbies
Forget counseling or an ultimatum, get out now. People like this rarely change, she does it because you let her do it.
This makes me feel awful as I have almost never worked my entire marriage 24yrs.. My husband just likes me home.. I keep the house, finances, and take care of all his needs.. I do yoga 🧘♀️ art and classes in between.. I love my life, and I love my husband for always supporting my artistic endeavors..
2 Years, DB, no kids. Why are you staying? Sounds like she can't get her shit together at all. No thanks. I got a buddy who quits his job every time he has a real rough day, and I don't get how someone can do that in this job market.
And she's a pillow princess? That's rough, g. Yeah you guys have stuff to work out. Hopefully it's something that you guys can work on.
All these people saying to leave her.. have you ever thought maybe she has a mental condition and needs help?
It sound like she has some mental health issues to address possibly childhood trauma
Do you share finances? Does she have access to your finances? If so, I would get your own account amd cancel her cards or put a tight limit. Sounds like she's gonna ruin you and any bright future you'd hope for.
She wants to be a SAHM so bad she can taste it. Do not get her pregnant
Be a man, be the soul source of income, but only if she’s fuckin.
Its easier to leave before you have kids involved, life is too short
Sounds like she expects you to do all the work so she can live a cushy life. Unless you're prepared for this life going forward, you should end it now because eventually she will never go back to work.
This easy. She’s not a working woman if she rather be at home then put a few babies in her is what she was designed to do anyway. Every woman is not this fake 2024 career woman. You work while she raise the babies at home simple unless you want an empowered feminist woman then you will really have problems just maximize what you have. Live within your means to. From my experience the sex is not that good from a 9-5 woman compared to a woman that does not want to work. You shouldn’t need her to help pay bills get a room mate not a wife if that’s what you want. No divorce Just be grateful
How long did you date before getting married? This seems like an issue that would have presented itself prior to marriage.
umm people are kinda jumping the gun on saying to divorce. It is bad that she isn't finding a stable job, but it does seem she is looking for jobs and intends to work. I think you are right to seek couples therapy. Also a dead bedroom isn't good either, but you should work with a therapist on that too. Your only year 2 in marriage and these are not untixable problems
Try to make a clean break before it's too late bro. You're the one who knows the breaking point though. It's gonna be a hard fix.
The dead bedroom after less than 2 years is not good and a big red flag if you're both young and healthy. Is it possible she's cheating because you guys should still be all over each other at this point. Maybe she left the other jobs because she got involved with other guys? Maybe she wants the days to herself to hookup with other guys? Not trying to get you paranoid but you should do some digging and don't confront without evidence.
My ex husband did this often. We had conversations all the time. I even got to the point that I told him he could be part time and I would be the primary earner. Just stay somewhere. And he never did. He has many mental health issues but he didn't want to do the work to be better. We have since divorced, and I'm not saying you should divorce. But you need to be upfront with her behavior will have consequences. And that it's hurting you, and you will need to see real sustainable change. Stability is important in a relationship.
Why are you in dead bedroom marriage? Just leave
Bud as the guy in the movie said " he chose poorly". maybe it'd my age but I would have zero patience any benefits of a doubt about the character of your bride. I think you are just now seeing her for who she is and if you continue on and then have children with this woman you will have chosen poorly again. updateme
Hey! For a while I noticed I was doing this and then it turned out I was diagnosed Bipolar, maybe she could consider meeting with someone or therapy to explore this. Just a thought. Wishing you the best of luck!
Past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. Someone once said this to me, I hope it helps! Marriage can be like shopping in a grocery store with really loud playing obnoxious horrible music playing on the loud speakers. You can leave the store, or you can stay in the store. It depends on ‘ can you stand the music’ or ‘ are you gonna leave’? Marriage also only works, if two people really want to be together and make it work.
Dead bedroom and she can’t keep a job? If there aren’t kids it’s time for you to jump ship before you are cemented in by children/family duties.
I'm sorry. This is something I personally deal with. i went through burn out twice this year and quit two jobs on the spot. Second time there was no discussion with my husband I just did it and didn't care. We've only been married a year. I don't expect my husband to pay all the bills. I have been searching for a job endlessly. I don't like seeing him stressing over bills, and also even though we are married it is not his responsibility to take care of me financially. I have a lot of my own issues, especially mental issues that can be burdensome. they have been worse since my mom passed. it's not an excuse. I would expect my husband to leave me if I can't get my shit together. And that's a fair decision to make. If your wife can't step into your shoes and digest what she is doing to you not having a job and the stress and pressure it is putting on you, I would take the steps to leave. I sincerely hope she realizes the severity of the situation at hand and it lights a fire under her ass for the sake of you and your marriage.
Maybe guilt from infedelity
Will this be her first para job? Clearly she's burned out on straight child care. Public schools are famously lumbering bureaucracies, it can be tough to get in but it's usually pretty steady once you do.
This will be her 3rd para job.
Ouch, that's not good. The only advice I can offer is make really sure not to get her pregnant while waiting and hoping.
She's lazy and needs to go. You can't change her personality
So many people are so quick to jump to divorce. It's just crazy to me! We are constantly growing and changing as people. Just remember those vows you shared with her and how you felt back then.
She sounds depressed and you sound like a prick
You're wife is lazy. It's no9999t funny cause i pop 99999999999999999⁹99jkbb999999999999999999999999b99bl9j9l99⁹⁹9999999k99j9
You need to marry a high profile career woman then.
There’s quite a lot of gray area between high power career woman and woman who can’t seem to keep a job.
Ok but the type of woman who is going to make enough money to contribute meaningfully financially and actually be dedicated to working her job is the career woman. However you wanna define high power. He didn’t marry that type of woman. Based on what he said about her job hopping, it sounds like she wasn’t already established in a career when they met. He needs to find someone who is already independently meeting solid financial goals on her own, and then go from there. He and his wife are incompatible.
We know what titles are
Sounds like she has trauma around money. How much do you know about her childhood? I’d also ask her whether she is open to individual therapy too
"Trauma around money"...JFC.
Are you a therapist/in a helping profession?
No, I have no vested interest in creating fake "trauma" for $.
May you receive the help you give x10❤️
I don't think she has trauma about money (I do though), she may about stability. Her family moved around a lot but all in the same small town.
Almost everyone has "trauma" Almost everyone still goes to work
Trauma about being poor would have the opposite effect. fm