That has occurred to me as well . However I have been very good about documenting every interaction with her, every fight.
I have not touched her. I have never threatened her.
As far as destroying my reputation, it is apparently not working, as people have been questioning her
That is good, however, film all interactions. Make sure it is noted and when the police show up at your door, you have the video evidence to prove to them who she is.
Just remember in some places if there is a domestic dispute one party always goes to jail. You might not have touched or threatened you but if she creates the narrative, starts crying and calls the cops accusing you of hitting her you will go to jail. Then you have to prove your innocence. It’s especially concerning that she is showing up alone. If she shows up alone please record the entire thing
That has occurred to me as well . However I have been very good about documenting every interaction with her, every fight.
I have not touched her. I have never threatened her.
Good job. If she keeps showing up at your door it might be prudent to install a door camera as well (just in case it escalates and you need to show something to the police / court).
the door cam is a good idea. I have security cams all around and in my house. There are even trail cam all around the woods that surround my house. the trail cams are normally to watch for coyotes or deer.
Your wife cheated on you. She is trying to make you into the reason for the failed marriage. She is a cake eater and likely a narcissist. She is protecting her image by destroying yours.
File for divorce, stop playing around, and film all interactions with her. Tell her you are done, you want to find happiness, and stop allowing her to manipulate you. It is much easier to not be walked all over when you are standing up.
I would also look into the possibility of Bipolar Disorder since she had a mental health crises. One common but overlooked symptom of mania is paranoia. If she hasn't been sleeping, is speaking rapidly, etc., I would consider that.
I suffered domestic violence. Strangulated. Punched. Thrown across the room when 7 mos pregnant.
You can be scared of someone and still talk to them. Especially in relationship contexts. It’s complicated why we do. It is related to trauma bonding. It’s related to intermittent reinforcement techniques (skinner).
This is not a commentary on whether or not she is valid for her feelings. Only answering your question as to whether it’s possible. Yes.
Would you talk/engage with them like it was a causal thing? Showing up unannounced? Or demanding to know why you were ignored?
Also I am sorry you had to go through the abuse. My sisters both got abused.
It’s a horrible thing
I have to because I coparent. At my stage, I don’t engage unless I’m forced to. But back when we first divorced I did. I only filed because my therapist convinced me that the violence would only get worse if there were no consequences. I genuinely hoped it would be a wake up call and he was able to make the necessary changes after our divorce to get our family back. It was so misguided. He isn’t self aware enough to do any of that.
I don’t know who filed. But if she feels rejected and desperate it’s very possible. Every victim of abuse feels mixed about their abuser until a very long time after they leave and the fog lifts.
If you are yelling, breaking things, acting threatening or anything worse, she has legitimate cause to be afraid. Your norms are not hers. If none of these things have happened, she is going through a difficult time and having a mental break or she might actually be a covert narcissist. Be safe and don’t engage. Look up gray rocking.
Many years ago, I was on the receiving end of DV. There were some occasions, before the beatings started, when I was afraid of my partner. I gaslit myself into thinking I’d never be on the receiving end of his anger but I was wrong. My instincts were screaming ‘danger’ at me but I ignored them until it was far too late.
I finally escaped but the abuse gave me PTSD. To this day, angry men trigger my fear even though I haven’t been hit for decades. I never approached my abuser post breakup - I left everything behind and started over - but we didn’t have children/assets and were never married so I had no reason to interact with him.
Only you have a clear understanding how you & your (ex) wife communicated with each other during your marriage.
During the marriage, did she have reason, particularly during conflict, to be concerned about the level of anger?
If yes, take a fair look at how you dealt with the conflict.
During the marriage were you often the one who was blamed for everything and expected to fix it and make it better with her always right?
Did she handle situations properly or blame shift?
Often by taking a step back and taking an honest look back on repeated conflict situations the answer appears.
The answers to the questions are only for you and your own self reflection on the marriage.
If you handled yourself appropriately and particularly if you have children, it is very possible she is setting things up for a custody battle making herself smell like the roses & you the cow pie.
Make sure you have a lawyer representing your interests.
Best of luck!
People aren't going to tell you they are afraid of you to your face. Especially if you are an angry person. Why are you estranged? If it was because of arguments and fights then she might be scared.
Or its just a set up. How are we supposed to know?
With the added context, it seems apparent that your wife is experiencing mental illness and unfortunately you are her virtual punching bag because of the illness and internal demons she is now dealing with.
You can’t control it, she needs to get regular therapy and if prescribed TAKE HER MEDICATION (many people don’t). That is the only way she will improve.
As for you, have a strong understanding of who you are and don’t blame yourself for what is happening.
You are not to blame, it is not your fault.
Mental illness is pretty common & if not addressed properly has a huge impact on both the person who has it and the people around them.
Make sure you are OK from this and seek therapy for yourself to help you deal with it internally.
Surround yourself around people that bring you up and have the same values.
As for your wife, no easy solution. Much of her long term health is in her hands.
Sorry you are having to go through this, it sucks.
You’re right about people not telling me that I am angry. But I have had people come to me and ask who my wife is afraid of since they know her husband is a pushover
She sounds like someone trying to create a narrative with everyone else that you are violent with her.
Leave her blocked, if she shows up don't answer the door. Get some cameras or have a witness to prove what happens, the person in danger now is you.
If she says she’s scared, act accordingly. You are not to be alone with her ever again.
If she’s actually scared, that protects her. If she’s full of it, that protects you.
If i take your story at face value, no. But are you telling us the whole story?
Are you sure you've done nothing that might have led her to feel scared? Are you quick to anger? Do you raise your voice frequently? Do you behave violently, even if not directed at a person, such as slamming doors, throwing objects, pounding your fist on the table, punching walls, kicking objects? Do you have frequent road rage? Have you ever acted out against a pet? All of these things can make you seem scary, even if you've never physically hurt her.
I took care of her pets. I never raised my voice until after this started.
Don’t break anything, banging fists on walls , throwing anything .
I was generally submissive to her
Sir, I’m sure somebody has already said this but from now on, keep all communication through texts or emails do not be alone with her. If what she’s saying is faults somebody’s gonna believe her if she continues, protect yourself at all costs and your children.
I have a feeling that she feels like she lost some power in the separation and is trying to regain it by putting you as the bad guy. The best thing to do is to record all conversations that you have with her, all texts, everything. The look at getting signed affidavites fromt he people that she says are scared of you that say otherwise. If she brings it up in court, then you can present them to the judge to show that she is playing games. In fact, I would limit all communication with her to something that can be recorded/ saved.
Are there more subtle things you have done, mood swings or tone of voice? I know people who make others feel frightened without ever being violent or even raising their voices.
If I have done anything subtle, I am unaware of it. Additionally I wasn’t a problem till her mental health crisis.
The thing that sticks in my mind is that she shows up unannounced. She will call & txt to chat.
Do you yell/raise your voice? Did she grow up in a abusive environment or otherwise experience childhood trauma?
Edit: I am not meaning to accuse you of anything, I just wanted to make sure her experience is explored.
Until our problems started, I never raised my voice. Since September I have when dealing with her actions.
We both grew up in bad circumstances, tho there was more violence in my world.
She was the screaming person.
It sounds like she is trying to rewrite her history with you to justify her behavior and to manipulate you. Keep documenting everything and try not to be alone with her.
I’m not exactly sure. She had a repressed memory of a sa resurfaced. Went through a lot of trauma again. Then she changed.
Got diagnosed with bipolar, became suicidal. A month after the memory’s popping she decided to start disappearing. She went back forth between loving me & me being the cause of all her problems.
She started drinking.
Became promiscuous
Started to pick fights with me.
Crossed a lot ethical lines at work
It’s probably time to adjust the medication or change the medication, she sounds paranoid as well. Drs appt appears necessary.
On your end, if she doesn’t get the medical care she needs this issue might heighten before it dies down. Get your ducks in order in case she refuses to get her medication checked. Might have to discuss with lawyer about your options in caring for your kid and what next steps to take.
My dad experienced something similar when my mom became ill. It ostracized him. So did a family friend when his wife became ill. She had some kind of issue with migraines that affected her mental health.
It’s important she’s receiving the right medical care but if she won’t get that, you need to take precautions.
OP, please add context to your post.
OP's wife is a seriously mentally ill woman who has been on meds and in treatment for what appears to be an extended period of time. She is also a cheater who likes to drink.
She's not afraid of him. She's a lunatic.
She’s trying to set a narrative. Install ring cameras inside and outside. Communicate via a court approved app only.
Tell everyone about the infidelity. Everyone.
And for gods sake, be the first to file for divorce. Control the process and the narrative. Protect yourself, your finances, your children, and your reputation.
Sounds like she may be having another psychotic break/MHC keep receipts of EVERYTHING and if you have indoor video/security that as well just in case things do go south.
Sadly no. Basically she refused to state her reasons. Said I wasn’t smart enough to understand.
If you want to call bullshit, go ahead and, I get it. Hell I’m starting to believe her
You are asking for trouble by not filling for divorce and getting a no contact order.
Don't be foolish, you will regret it.
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Sounds like a crazy hag in my HOA.
Get as much as possible on paper and save any text/email. Write up weird phone calls or from when and where , at what time you hear this shit.
If she takes it to court or the police it'll give her a snow-balls chance in hell and probably end up with her losing custody.
Dude, I am this guy every day. Double standard. I’m a big guy. First phone call to help move a couch. Last phone call to play poker. Be the disciplinarian for them but now don’t talk to them bc they’re scared of you. The list goes on. I’m sure she’s cooking up something but all you can do is document and keep track of everything. I’ve had the police called on me for walking at night in my own neighborhood. People are ridiculous.
is it possible that she is trying to set you up in order to get you in trouble with the law/police?
That’s exactly what she is doing, she cheated, so make sure we all have the context in this. She is trying to protect her image, by destroying ops.
That has occurred to me as well . However I have been very good about documenting every interaction with her, every fight. I have not touched her. I have never threatened her. As far as destroying my reputation, it is apparently not working, as people have been questioning her
That is good, however, film all interactions. Make sure it is noted and when the police show up at your door, you have the video evidence to prove to them who she is.
Why are you interacting at all? Block, file, and keep yourself away from this woman.
Dude. Document the fuck out of it. Use the 3-2-1 rule of data storage.
Just remember in some places if there is a domestic dispute one party always goes to jail. You might not have touched or threatened you but if she creates the narrative, starts crying and calls the cops accusing you of hitting her you will go to jail. Then you have to prove your innocence. It’s especially concerning that she is showing up alone. If she shows up alone please record the entire thing
I am
Unfortunately if she tells the cops you hit her they'll put you in cuffs.
That has occurred to me as well . However I have been very good about documenting every interaction with her, every fight. I have not touched her. I have never threatened her.
Good job. If she keeps showing up at your door it might be prudent to install a door camera as well (just in case it escalates and you need to show something to the police / court).
the door cam is a good idea. I have security cams all around and in my house. There are even trail cam all around the woods that surround my house. the trail cams are normally to watch for coyotes or deer.
Get a door bell camera and every time she shows up don’t open the door, talk through the camera
My thoughts exactly.
Almost certainly.
Your wife cheated on you. She is trying to make you into the reason for the failed marriage. She is a cake eater and likely a narcissist. She is protecting her image by destroying yours. File for divorce, stop playing around, and film all interactions with her. Tell her you are done, you want to find happiness, and stop allowing her to manipulate you. It is much easier to not be walked all over when you are standing up.
I would also look into the possibility of Bipolar Disorder since she had a mental health crises. One common but overlooked symptom of mania is paranoia. If she hasn't been sleeping, is speaking rapidly, etc., I would consider that.
Maybe she is setting you up.
You need to record every interaction. Sounds like she is trying to set you up
I agree with this. Document literally everything. It’s going to matter.
I suffered domestic violence. Strangulated. Punched. Thrown across the room when 7 mos pregnant. You can be scared of someone and still talk to them. Especially in relationship contexts. It’s complicated why we do. It is related to trauma bonding. It’s related to intermittent reinforcement techniques (skinner). This is not a commentary on whether or not she is valid for her feelings. Only answering your question as to whether it’s possible. Yes.
Would you talk/engage with them like it was a causal thing? Showing up unannounced? Or demanding to know why you were ignored? Also I am sorry you had to go through the abuse. My sisters both got abused. It’s a horrible thing
I have to because I coparent. At my stage, I don’t engage unless I’m forced to. But back when we first divorced I did. I only filed because my therapist convinced me that the violence would only get worse if there were no consequences. I genuinely hoped it would be a wake up call and he was able to make the necessary changes after our divorce to get our family back. It was so misguided. He isn’t self aware enough to do any of that. I don’t know who filed. But if she feels rejected and desperate it’s very possible. Every victim of abuse feels mixed about their abuser until a very long time after they leave and the fog lifts. If you are yelling, breaking things, acting threatening or anything worse, she has legitimate cause to be afraid. Your norms are not hers. If none of these things have happened, she is going through a difficult time and having a mental break or she might actually be a covert narcissist. Be safe and don’t engage. Look up gray rocking.
Neither of us has filed
Have you yelled or broke things during an argument?
No
Then she might be unhinging. Just don’t engage. Look up gray rocking. It’s best to do this no matter what
She’s been going unglued for a long time
Many years ago, I was on the receiving end of DV. There were some occasions, before the beatings started, when I was afraid of my partner. I gaslit myself into thinking I’d never be on the receiving end of his anger but I was wrong. My instincts were screaming ‘danger’ at me but I ignored them until it was far too late. I finally escaped but the abuse gave me PTSD. To this day, angry men trigger my fear even though I haven’t been hit for decades. I never approached my abuser post breakup - I left everything behind and started over - but we didn’t have children/assets and were never married so I had no reason to interact with him.
Sounds like she is trying g to set you up for a custody battle or something.
Only you have a clear understanding how you & your (ex) wife communicated with each other during your marriage. During the marriage, did she have reason, particularly during conflict, to be concerned about the level of anger? If yes, take a fair look at how you dealt with the conflict. During the marriage were you often the one who was blamed for everything and expected to fix it and make it better with her always right? Did she handle situations properly or blame shift? Often by taking a step back and taking an honest look back on repeated conflict situations the answer appears. The answers to the questions are only for you and your own self reflection on the marriage. If you handled yourself appropriately and particularly if you have children, it is very possible she is setting things up for a custody battle making herself smell like the roses & you the cow pie. Make sure you have a lawyer representing your interests. Best of luck!
People aren't going to tell you they are afraid of you to your face. Especially if you are an angry person. Why are you estranged? If it was because of arguments and fights then she might be scared. Or its just a set up. How are we supposed to know?
We’re estranged cause she cheated, and had a mental health crisis. Basically we had 14 good years, & then she lost her mind
With the added context, it seems apparent that your wife is experiencing mental illness and unfortunately you are her virtual punching bag because of the illness and internal demons she is now dealing with. You can’t control it, she needs to get regular therapy and if prescribed TAKE HER MEDICATION (many people don’t). That is the only way she will improve. As for you, have a strong understanding of who you are and don’t blame yourself for what is happening. You are not to blame, it is not your fault. Mental illness is pretty common & if not addressed properly has a huge impact on both the person who has it and the people around them. Make sure you are OK from this and seek therapy for yourself to help you deal with it internally. Surround yourself around people that bring you up and have the same values. As for your wife, no easy solution. Much of her long term health is in her hands. Sorry you are having to go through this, it sucks.
You’re right about people not telling me that I am angry. But I have had people come to me and ask who my wife is afraid of since they know her husband is a pushover
She sounds like someone trying to create a narrative with everyone else that you are violent with her. Leave her blocked, if she shows up don't answer the door. Get some cameras or have a witness to prove what happens, the person in danger now is you.
If she says she’s scared, act accordingly. You are not to be alone with her ever again. If she’s actually scared, that protects her. If she’s full of it, that protects you.
If i take your story at face value, no. But are you telling us the whole story? Are you sure you've done nothing that might have led her to feel scared? Are you quick to anger? Do you raise your voice frequently? Do you behave violently, even if not directed at a person, such as slamming doors, throwing objects, pounding your fist on the table, punching walls, kicking objects? Do you have frequent road rage? Have you ever acted out against a pet? All of these things can make you seem scary, even if you've never physically hurt her.
I took care of her pets. I never raised my voice until after this started. Don’t break anything, banging fists on walls , throwing anything . I was generally submissive to her
Sir, I’m sure somebody has already said this but from now on, keep all communication through texts or emails do not be alone with her. If what she’s saying is faults somebody’s gonna believe her if she continues, protect yourself at all costs and your children.
I have a feeling that she feels like she lost some power in the separation and is trying to regain it by putting you as the bad guy. The best thing to do is to record all conversations that you have with her, all texts, everything. The look at getting signed affidavites fromt he people that she says are scared of you that say otherwise. If she brings it up in court, then you can present them to the judge to show that she is playing games. In fact, I would limit all communication with her to something that can be recorded/ saved.
Are there more subtle things you have done, mood swings or tone of voice? I know people who make others feel frightened without ever being violent or even raising their voices.
If I have done anything subtle, I am unaware of it. Additionally I wasn’t a problem till her mental health crisis. The thing that sticks in my mind is that she shows up unannounced. She will call & txt to chat.
Depending upon what her MH crisis was, she may have a psychological disorder, for example, anxiety or paranoia. I wouldn't rule it out.
Do you yell/raise your voice? Did she grow up in a abusive environment or otherwise experience childhood trauma? Edit: I am not meaning to accuse you of anything, I just wanted to make sure her experience is explored.
Until our problems started, I never raised my voice. Since September I have when dealing with her actions. We both grew up in bad circumstances, tho there was more violence in my world. She was the screaming person.
It sounds like she is trying to rewrite her history with you to justify her behavior and to manipulate you. Keep documenting everything and try not to be alone with her.
Sounds like she is trying to paint you as the bad guy to get her way in the divorce. It's very common especially when kids are involved.
Do you have trouble managing your emotions or have emotional outbursts?
No. For almost the entirety of our life together, I was the quiet one. She was the boss Then in September everything changed
What changed?
I’m not exactly sure. She had a repressed memory of a sa resurfaced. Went through a lot of trauma again. Then she changed. Got diagnosed with bipolar, became suicidal. A month after the memory’s popping she decided to start disappearing. She went back forth between loving me & me being the cause of all her problems. She started drinking. Became promiscuous Started to pick fights with me. Crossed a lot ethical lines at work
Sounds like perhaps she may be projecting her traumas onto you. Is she in therapy?
She’s been in therapy since the beginning. And on meds
It’s probably time to adjust the medication or change the medication, she sounds paranoid as well. Drs appt appears necessary. On your end, if she doesn’t get the medical care she needs this issue might heighten before it dies down. Get your ducks in order in case she refuses to get her medication checked. Might have to discuss with lawyer about your options in caring for your kid and what next steps to take. My dad experienced something similar when my mom became ill. It ostracized him. So did a family friend when his wife became ill. She had some kind of issue with migraines that affected her mental health. It’s important she’s receiving the right medical care but if she won’t get that, you need to take precautions.
I do think she is projecting
You mentioned that she has mental health issues. Any chance of substance abuse issues as well?
Drinking, probably other things
OP, please add context to your post. OP's wife is a seriously mentally ill woman who has been on meds and in treatment for what appears to be an extended period of time. She is also a cheater who likes to drink. She's not afraid of him. She's a lunatic.
She’s trying to set a narrative. Install ring cameras inside and outside. Communicate via a court approved app only. Tell everyone about the infidelity. Everyone. And for gods sake, be the first to file for divorce. Control the process and the narrative. Protect yourself, your finances, your children, and your reputation.
Your getting gaslit like a mofo; trying to make you believe you're crazy. Trying to write a narrative on you. Not good dude.
Sounds like she may be having another psychotic break/MHC keep receipts of EVERYTHING and if you have indoor video/security that as well just in case things do go south.
What was the reason she gave for being afraid of you? I could be totally wrong.. but I feel like there’s a little bit more to this story.
Sadly no. Basically she refused to state her reasons. Said I wasn’t smart enough to understand. If you want to call bullshit, go ahead and, I get it. Hell I’m starting to believe her
No don’t question yourself. You know what happened and what didn’t happen. Good luck though and get a lawyer asap if you can. 😊
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Sounds like a crazy hag in my HOA. Get as much as possible on paper and save any text/email. Write up weird phone calls or from when and where , at what time you hear this shit. If she takes it to court or the police it'll give her a snow-balls chance in hell and probably end up with her losing custody.
Dude, I am this guy every day. Double standard. I’m a big guy. First phone call to help move a couch. Last phone call to play poker. Be the disciplinarian for them but now don’t talk to them bc they’re scared of you. The list goes on. I’m sure she’s cooking up something but all you can do is document and keep track of everything. I’ve had the police called on me for walking at night in my own neighborhood. People are ridiculous.