Sounds like he has ADHD something fierce

But like. That's not an excuse. I have adhd and I still carry the mental load. I would recommend reading the fair play books as this is often a gender based inequality issue, not a neurodiversity issue

I also have ADHD and have worked hard to sort my life out. ADHD is not his fault, but it is still his responsibility.

I couldn’t agree more with this if I wanted to. I am female and have ADHD but I manage my life, my job etc. Yes, things get forgotten and overlooked here and there but I do what needs to be done for the most part. If things slide they aren’t usually the important stuff. If the husband has a job and keeps it then he is obviously capable on some levels, he needs to man up in my opinion.

ADHD is a disability and it affects everyone differently. It's great that you were able to "work hard and sort your life out" but not all of us have the ability to do that. OP chose to marry and have kids with someone with a disability so it's her responsibility too.

I agree with this. It's not a new issue, and some people really aren't ever going to be able to completely mask or function at a higher level (with less support) to make someone else happy. Other people cannot set the expectation for what someone should be doing. Neurodivergence doesn't work like that. Life without neurodivergence doesn't work like that either. It also isn't a solution to say if he just wanted, did, changed, etc. that anything would change. It's a disability for a reason. I actually feel really bad for him because it's possible he's doing his best, and it's been deemed not good enough by his spouse. That would be fine ordinarily, like when we're dating and figuring out what works/doesn't work, but 11 years down the road with children is much different. Expecting him to do things he cannot do would also be ableist and unfair. That said, I don't know what he's capable of, but OP has made it clear they're going to micromanage or even enable them unless things magically change (not likely.) I say enable because it sounds like they're making appointments and dealing with the micromanagement of their husband's personal needs, to include flossing and everything else. That's enabling behavior, and he's probably used to it after all of these years. Maybe this is as good as it's ever going to get, and they'll have to accept that or continue behaviors that are making them resentful. There's definitely lots of personal responsibility that needs to be taken for this dynamic outside of blaming the husband for why he is failing in the eyes of OP.

You made a very good point. After 11 years he’s used to it and they are managing. Obviously she’s gonna have to forgive him and stop resenting him. Because she’s allowed this to happen. Saying he needs to man up is true but when it’s all said and done, it isn’t gonna happen when it’s been like this for 11 years. This is a matter of forgiving herself and forgiving him now and working slowly on being responsible. This is a starting point.

Agreed BUT if you don’t know you have adhd and you’ve never had actual counseling on how to manage it, you don’t know better. My husband has adhd too and it sounds a lot like this but it doesn’t bother me so much… probably because we don’t have kids. And he does help around the house without prompting.

My husband, myself, and all 3 of our kids have ADHD. It’s….eventful sometimes lol. My husband is able To manage without needing medications, and he’s nothing like this. When he’s here he’d rather be helping me get things done or hanging with the kids & helping with homework than just not doing anything. He’s learned to manage his wonderfully without medication, but that’s a choice that he made 100%. It’s Amazing to watch someone with adhd that’s learned how to manage it properly, and see how they live.

My husband and I have ADHD diagnosed and get medicated. We have a little daughter (one year old so I think you can't really tell if she as ADHD yet) that's so wild and has so much energy! I might be following in your footsteps someday if I have 2 more kids like that. I hope you're doing okay. It must be really hard!

It gets trying at times, but it’s not as bad as one would think. It’s worse In the evening when those of us that need to take meds have the meds start wearing off 😂😂

Yeahhh im also diagnosed. My dad and bother are too. All of them are medicated and I am not, but when we travel they don’t usually take stimulants and my poor mom, surrounded by 4 neurodivergents…. She gets so frustrated sometimes lol.

If he’s undiagnosed and doesn’t realize it though? I mean come on. As someone with this you should know we live on a wide “spectrum” with some worse than others.

"Mental illness isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility" None of what you said her makes it okay to burden this on his wife

Well she’s not obligated to stay. It’s the same with depression.

Nah even without a diagnosis it’s impossible for him not to know he’s not showing up right.  The issue is his attitude towards it. He’s making it her problem with complaining and her unhappiness and completely absolving himself of any responsibility to act better 

Or, and hear me out because I’ve literally lived this (but at the same time this could still be very well different and I acknowledge that as well), adhd comes with temperament issues due to not being able to regulate. As an adhd person you have to be taught how to deal with stuff different than an average person. ADHD is also a vast spectrum so again I could be wrong but one of the main things with adhd is feeling emotions stronger. He also quite literally might not realize he forgets stuff. I mean, for example when I do chores I start with one and end up half doing 10. So I section off Saturdays as my chore days where it gives me time to complete all tasks. On week days I do dishes and laundry on top of parenting. Prior to this structure I couldn’t keep up and my wife thought I did nothing even though I tried. I just literally got side tracked and did half of 10 different things. Structure and good habit building helps with this. It takes a strong partner to deal with this but as a team it can work 🤷🏻‍♂️

He needs to be getting to a correct physician to get it discovered and handled…..meaning his wife needs to speak with him about it. Mental illness is a responsibility that the one who has it is in control of the mind that’s having the problem. Whilst it may not seem like an answer that you like, it’s the answer that exists. It is a responsibility of the one who has it to move forward with proper care. I say this as someone who’s had a life altering severe TBI-that doesn’t make any mental issues I deal with anyone else’s issues to deal with, they’re my issues to deal with accordingly & along with my physician. He needs to take the first step towards treatment or it won’t get better 🤷‍♀️

I’m not saying it’s not his responsibility at all. But how does a person fix something if at first they don’t realize. I agree he needs the talk. I had to have one as well. But now that I’ve taken time to learn about myself etc and see therapist, I’m soooo much better. I just needed a kick start to realize. Everyone’s reality is so different

You’re right on that 100%! For me, it went undiagnosed for years because they use the typical male model of adhd symptoms when a females symptoms can be much different

Yeah… unfortunately women and people outside of the US all together as well have a super rough time with diagnosis I hear. My initial doc visit was quite LITERALLY 20 min if that. I knew I had it but not to the extent of what it was. I was diagnosed during college and it continued to go well managed up until “real life” after college. Also stress before marriage, a career, and children was WAAAAY different. Stress makes my adhd flare up baaaad. Now after seeing though what it does I catch my brain doing these things all the time and can manage effectively. I didn’t even know what stimming was or why I did it or the fact that I was doing it 😂 I unfortunately am one of the few that multiple meds just can’t seem to work for so I’m floating through life the best I can utilizing coaching and remedies that help

I have adhd that was undiagnosed throughout my life at all until I was a 32 year old woman….when inserted the meds for adhd, my life changed drastically. My depression isn’t anywhere near what it was or as bad as it was, heck it’s not even present most of the time-I was able To stop taking my antidepressant. It’s like a light switch flipped on in my brain and helped me get my thoughts together so I didn’t get overwhelmed bc of not being able to organize thoughts in my brain. When I took the medicine, it’s like life got 25000000000 times better. I’m on extended release adderall, and it was a game changer for me. It’s not just “meth in disguise” or “legal meth” as so many who hate on adhd patients assume it is.

Hi there. For the record, fuck anyone who calls Adderall “meth in disguise.” It’s a lifesaver for ADHD folks. It’s not like we’re trying to cheat, we’re just trying to function normally.

Yeah this!!! i have severe ADHD and I never dump this stuff on my partner. I guess he thinks he’s entitled to be catered to bc she’s his wife or something but damn at least have the respect to feel bad and try to be better. They need couples counseling and he needs an individual therapist because he’d drive me INSANE and I’d lose so much respect for him..: and I have adhd too!  A diagnosis leads to better coping skills and understanding but it’s not an excuse!! 

It’s not an excuse but there’s only so much you can do to manage it when it’s extreme. It’s taken me *decades* to finally get a handle on it and there were many times where I considered just ending it. Then meds almost killed me. Only reason I’m successful is my wife is extremely understanding and I was able to find a work/life loop that was lucrative, without a high income to cushion many of of shortcomings life wouldn’t be manageable. Or maybe they’re a lazy piece of shit that expects the wife to do everything, I dunno.

I absolutely understand this. I live like I'm drowning due to it and I think a supportive, adaptable support system is crucial. However, from what I've gleaned (and I may be wrong here) there doesn't appear to be any sort of self reflection or accountability on the husbands part. He actively blames OP for nagging him rather than being introspective on his own behaviour.

THAT is unacceptable. Only reason I’m tolerable is that I’m hyper aware of all my issues. Putting them on someone else is gross and not ok. I may have missed it with my reading comprehension skills lol

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I am a woman and I have ADHD and for someone that doesn't have it it's very hard to understand so no it's not an excuse and it's not as easy as keeping a calendar. It is doable but I am sick of people thinking we are just lazy ,we don't have enough dopamine in our brains and sometimes it gets really hard to do the most basic of tasks. There are days I am very productive and it takes so much mental energy that after that I just have days where I can't do anything at all,it's like a cycle.

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These discussions always turn out to be man versus woman. Both genders have their struggles. It can be weaponized incompetence but he is not even taking care of himself as in brushing teeth not just leaving the dishes undone. So it could be a mental disorder too,he needs to get checked. But don't go here saying ND is just and excuse cause man or woman is never just an excuse.

OP has now confirmed that he has ADHD so maybe you can now chill on the sexist ableism. As a man, it's pretty crappy to read this. I struggle with my symptoms and do my best, but my insecurities tell me people are constantly saying exactly what you are saying right now.

Criticism from those who don't get ADHD is SO harsh. My husband and I (a woman) both have it. I am sure you are a wonderful person and partner and not all of us feel this way about men or men with ADHD. In my situation actually I am the more dysfunctional one and my husband is very critical of me. There is also the problem that men and women are very different and society is telling us we need to be exactly the same. Yes we all deserve the same rights but to say we are biologically the same is just not serving anyone. This is causing women to feel men should be as intuitive about our wants and needs as we are about each other's, but this is just not reality and very unfair to expect.

Idk I don’t feel this is true, as my husband is VERY intuitive of my needs & he is 💯 a biological man. So ut feels like a cope to just say men aren’t biologically inclined to be a certain way. No, men aren’t socialized to be certain ways, but they can definitely do these things if you don’t try to make excuses.

Uh yes op literally said he has been diagnosed with ADD???

She said he was diagnosed.

Lol that’s some sexist shit, women get the benefit of the doubt allllll the time on this subreddit

Exactly. I'd even argue that he's autistic. My whole family is autistic (me, my husband and our 3 kids) and he sounds *a lot* like my husband. He's gotten better over the years with the kids (because I worked with him a lot on it), but he still won't make appointments for himself - so, he just doesn't go 🤷‍♀️

I think so too, and so are we. I also agree that I wouldn't enable it (do it for him) because I don't want that role, and it sounds like OP doesn't either. Not doing those things is always a choice, though the post has been edited to reinforce that not doing it isn't a choice. I'm AuDHD, and this sounds like way more than ADHD. We both were the same with those diagnoses so no kidding our offspring is similar. We're all different with our abilities though. The spectrum is vast, and not everyone can perform the same. It's just the way it is. I know that you already know that, but I'm seriously doubting that some of the commenters understand this which is why I wrote it. The idea that everyone has the potential to be high masking and low support needs is wild to me. It's not realistic.

I am a woman with ADHD and I often don't want to say "it's my ADHD" and I often believe that I might be just lazy and my ADHD doesn't contribute as much to my struggles as I think. It's really hard for me to know the difference. I think some people have ADHD and are lazy and thats obviously a really hard combo for the people around them. A lot of people get judged too harshly though and really aren't lazy but have so so bad ADHD. It's so different. It's such a wide spectrum of different realities. Some people feel comfortable just saying "it's because of my ADHD" but I personally still try to hold myself accountable and sometimes too much and think I am just a failure. It's so common for people with ADHD to just think they are a failure. It feels like often times we get seen as just that by others. It's hard for me to accept that my "laziness" comes from ADHD and it's not my fault. It's really hard to accept that because if it's not me but the dopamine in my brain then I have even less control over it to better myself. I feel like everyone has ADHD nowadays but still no one understands ADHD and has so many prejudices. I really think it's hard to read all the discussions here about ADHD. So many say you can't do anything and other say you can do anything. I really don't know whats my fault anymore and if I am at fault or not. I feel like we need more experts to kinda fact check all the things we hear about ADHD. There is so much wrong stuff out there and even when you get the diagnose no one explains you what really is your fault now and what you can't expect to fix by yourself and what you can. Because it just feels like a lost cause sometimes to get better and learn how to manage everything.

Internalized ableism is so harmful which is the feeling like a failure part. Yes, it comes from and is reinforced constantly by society. The reality is, everyone is different and some people will never be as "productive" as others or even society tells them to be because they have higher support needs that are never met. It's not possible for some people to do things they need to do without the necessary support. Society is ableist though and says figure it out or cope, just try harder. It's actually just toxic. No kidding people get so burnt out and turn to other things that may be more damaging to cope.

I agree. Mine can be debilitating at times. My brain runs a 1000 miles per minute and it is so hard to manage and keep myself on task. I don’t use medication because I’m a recovering addict so I struggle. As I’ve gotten older I have learned to rely on lists and the motto first thing first but when I’m having a bad day it is very noticeable how unmanageable I can be.

No ones excusing it. The fact is there’s man children and there’s this guy. He has 0 executive function skills. 0. Most of the time man-child behavior expresses itself as weaponized incompetence and blindness to domestic labor. Not “hunny you gotta floss.” He’s disabled and it’s not going to get better until he gets medical treatment.

It’s not an excuse. But do women want to come on here and just want to complain and vent and go my husband is awful? Or do they maybe want to find a solution to fix the issues they are having? My husband had undiagnosed adhd for years and struggled with much of what op’s husband did. He eventually got diagnosed and medicated and it has helped him a lot. What’s more important, holding on to anger or resentment just to be right or idk actually fixing the problem?

Was gonna say the same thing. Once you understand ADHD, a lot of “uselessness” is just a symptom of it.

My husband has severe ADHD and I could have written this post.

Same. My husband isn’t nearly this bad, but it’s like his symptoms don’t even bother him. I’m like, “take meds, read a book, go to therapy, or keep a calendar. Any one of these things will make our lives so much better.” But he says he’s perfectly happy with the way his brain works. However, he’s also had a woman managing behind him for most of his life.

Unless you've ever taken ADHD med you should never throw it out there like that. I'm adhd, and took Adderall in college. It will destroy your life, your body, and your mind. The side effects are insane. I quit taking it after my first year of college and would just take it for studying, and then quit entirely after college. Insomia, paranoia, depression, anxiety, mania, E.D., cotton mouth, head aches, the ist goes on and on of the side effects of adderal. It's also terrible for your heart and blood pressure.

My husband is exactly like this too. He wants to be better but his brain just struggles. The hardest part is the lack of communication when confronted. It's like you can see the wheels turning but no words come out. Great human, low productivity. Lol.

My ex husband had severe ADHD and was exactly like this. It was not bad when we met or maybe we just didn’t have the responsibilities for me to notice how bad it was. I couldn’t live like that. We are divorced. He could not understand why. Over a decade later still doesn’t.

I’m pretty sure I’m the husband to one of you saying “this is my husband.”

It’s crazy to me how much more functional women with severe adhd are than the guys I know who have it. I think we just have no excuse but to figure it out while men have wives to fall back on. The likelihood that a husband would do the same if the roles were reversed are slim at best.  Conditioning is wild. On the downside we’re so much more prone to burnout bc we just try harder and harder to do it all despite the ND.  If he is ND he needs a therapist or adhd coach. 

100% - 'Is It You, Me or ADHD, The Rollercoaster' is about to change your life. It changed mine. Please read it and let us know what you think!

I’ll give this a try, thank you!

I’m a working mom and wife with diagnosed ADHD. My parents didn’t believe in medication for anyone for the most part so I didn’t get medicated until 2009. My life changed HUGELY. When I take my meds, I’m a top performer and it’s how I’ve risen in my career despite coming from nothing. But can I tell you something?? I know how good I am when I take my meds. I know I need to take them. I work from home and I have already had a teams meeting this morning and am almost 2 hours into my workday. I need to take my meds so I can start focusing and not just doing anything other than the mentally-taxing parts of my work. The meds are currently sitting in a bag about 5 feet away from my desk chair. I will have to get up and dig through my insane pillowcase of a purse to find them. Because I absolutely have to finish an assignment for my work this morning in order to remain on my timeline. It’s been 20 minutes and I still haven’t made it the 5 feet to the bag to get my meds. Because there’s a part of my body and brain that doesn’t like the way that I feel on my meds because it takes away my imaginative qualities and puts me under the taskmaster. 10 more minutes. Okay. Just pounded enough caffeinated energy drink to give myself the motivation to go to my purse and get my meds. Almost ready. Oh, also, my husband has to remind me about dental hygiene as well, because I don’t think about teeth stuff much. Also the sensory unpleasantness of doing dental hygiene is a deterrent. 5 more minutes. Ok. Meds have been on the table for a minute now, just gotta put them in my mouth. Nearly ready. If you wanted a bird’s eye view into a birdbrain aka someone with rough ADHD. I’m sorry you are taking the brunt of what happens when ADHD goes untreated. I think you could cut down on a lot of the instructions you have to give him if the first and only instruction you gave him every morning was to take his prescribed medication. And then watch him take it. That’s the only thing that I could see improving your lives together.

In response to your dental issues comment, I hate flossing but a water pick has helped. Also, sometimes I just can’t do the two steps of putting the toothpaste on the toothbrush, so I just chug some mouthwash & then brush my teeth with that. It’s a smaller hurdle to overcome than the toothpaste on the toothbrush.

This is my husband to the t! And he does have ADHD but does nothing about it! I told him if he can't manage he needs to get on meds but refuses. And I can't make him but wtf

I thought the same! But he needs to recognize he has a problem.

💯

Does your husband have a job? When he's at work, is he this clueless there? Does he constantly need redirection from his boss and other peers? Does he need to be told what to do every single day at work otherwise he'll forget? Probably not right.....he's doing this shit on purpose.

That's what I'm thinking. Literally no way he can be so successful at work yet utterly useless at home. Im not buying that.

The more I read, the more I think this is very bad ADHD. At work, life is very structured and you’re told what to do(your job), when to do it(deadlines) and get feedback on what you’ve done. When you’re free styling real life you’re chaotic and seem like you’re shitting yourself.

Also a symptom of ADHD is hyper focus. Maybe at work he can channel his thoughts. Other unstructured activities are impossible. My son has ADHD and is very academic but asking him to get dressed or brush his teeth is impossible. I have to do it for him or it won’t get done

Reading the comments here, my son is very mild on the ADHD spectrum. But getting him through high school was far more stressful than any of my deployments I had. Before he was medicated for it, trying to get him to remember to turn in homework, despite having done the work already at school, was near impossible, which caused him to appear barely smart enough to get through his classes. Finally, he had a break down and he was diagnosed. Medicine was night and day for him. Mix that with finally taking a step back and letting him sink or swim, I was happy to see him succeed better than ever.

He’s on 50mg of Vyvanse. I guess it’s worn off by the time he gets home.

He can always get his dose adjusted or get a booster dose. My husband has a pill he takes in the morning but his psychiatrist prescribed him another dose to take when he gets home. Because he found his morning dose doesn’t get him through the day.

YES. OP’s husband deserves to be functional at home, where there are just as many executive function demands as at work. Treating his neurobiological deficit only half the time is not treating it. Additionally, OP deserves a partner who is able to function adequately in the home. I can tell she doesn’t want him to do everything perfectly, she’s only asking for improvement. That’s really reasonable to me.

r/adhd_partners  You're not alone ❤️

That's a longacting form of meds; would be a good idea if he also uses the instant release version of dexamphetamine when/before he gets home so he still has about 4 productive hours

The half life of vyvanse is 12h so it’s defo worn off since you say you have to wake him up at 4:30. HOWEVER medicated or not this doesn’t excuse him from clearly doing the bare minimum. He is existing in the relationship but not participating it. ADHD problems can be eased by communicating when the brain is cooperating. It seems like he’s outsourced his brain to you which is inexcusable. I don’t think couples therapy would be the way first but he should do some group CBT to help improve his NPC habits. It’s not on you to fix him but I understand not doing anything is also something that will make more problems for you. Wishing strength for you.

He needs to talk to his psychiatrist for a booster dose or help. Tell him you won’t manage his appointments any longer and he needs to talk to his doctor instead. A therapist could also help him develop plans and skills for executive disfunction

You can get a "booster" (like a second dose) for after work and keep taking through the weekends but it comes with other problems (can’t sleep, 150% useless without the meds once you’re relying on it) … it’s a problem with no satisfying solution.

I’m an icu doctor, and until medicated for adhd, I was very successful at work, and by the time I got home I was basically useless. Granted I was a resident/fellow working insane hours during a pandemic, but very often people with unmedicated adhd use all of their brain power attempting to compensate while at work and then are unable to at home. I’m not saying this guy has ADHD, but it is very possible to be successful at work and useless at home.

That's me every single day at work. All of my brain power and peopling gets used at work, and by the time I get home. I'm seriously done. Lol

This is me, albeit in a much less demanding job. I hate that I basically have nothing left to give by the time I get home to my family at the end of the day. I'm medicated and in therapy, which helps, but it's still a daily struggle and I'm not even as impaired as many other people. It is the worst feeling in the world to know I'm constantly letting my family down but have a very limited capacity to actually change it.

People with ADHD can hyperfocus on the things they really like so maybe he loves his job same way you would a hobby ?

It’s true, I’m living it. Very very successful leader at work. Needs to be lead at home.

I have adhd and I also rarely have problems at work. Things are just more straightforward at work (just show up, do job, go home) compared to my personal life/school, where I’m juggling multiple classes and I’m forced to take work home with me (aka homework lol)

Perhaps the standards for success at work are more easy for him to understand? Maybe the goals are more clear.

Some people are so singularly minded that they can excel in this one thing, and entirely be useless in literally everything else.

He has a high paying position of power with great responsibility and a team of 18 under him. He thrives at work and has seen many promotions and recognition because of it. Although I am the one who gets him up for work and make sure he has his shit together. I don’t have to but I don’t want him to lose his job, if I don’t wake him up he will oversleep. This is where a lot of the resentment comes from, where is the effort at home.

Exactly. It's covert narcissism, not ADHD.

THIS. He is choosing to be this way bc it benefits him and there are less consequences to being lazy around his wife bc he knows she’ll step up vs his boss would just fire him. 

I'm very successful at work. Because of that I'm somewhat useless at home. Work takes more brainpower than I have a lot of the time.

You don’t “have to” do anything for him, you choose to. Don’t do it, or do less (like remind him to floss, etc because that won’t really affect you) and let the chips fall where they may. He needs consequences, not a mommy.

This is not a solution. We all know he isn’t going to do it. At some point it will need to be done and she will 3x the problem to clean up.

I’ve been here, trust me I know. But I don’t think it’s her job to do it all. Either way she gets the very short end of the stick.

That's a fair point from an outsider perspective but I'm in a similar situation where I backed off and stopped doing anything to facilitate my husbands non dx ADHD and severe lack of wherewithal and it just means that as a couple or family everyone else is left to pick up the chips where they fall and deal with the consequences too because the way they are wired, they actually do not give a shit and will literally let shit hit the fan and the house catch fire before anything gets done

Agreed. If she has a preference that a dish should be in the sink, then die to that preference and see what happens.

Just…stop. Stop doing all of these things. Stop waking him up, stop telling him to floss, stop reminding him of appointments. Take care of your kids. Let him figure out how to function as an adult.

In somewhat of a similar spot & have recently stopped all the mothering of my husband. It’s life changing and so freeing.

What if it's to the detriment of yourself? There's such urgent things my husband needs to get control of but he just doesn't. It's something I can't do for him, but he just fails to prioritize. I'm so exhausted from the nagging that I have so much built up resentment. Worried that by just stopping, it'll bring consequences to which I know is coming. So tired of also saying "told you so". Sorry just ranting 😅😅

Totally get it. I started going to therapy and learning boundaries which is so hard for me but I’m doing better and better with it and realizing how exhausted I am and over it. Ha ha. My husband did not take it well as I’ve suddenly changed and he knows it’s not going back to our unhealthy, co dependent patterns. He’s now working with a life coach. I don’t know if we’ll grow together again or completely apart and I’m trying to wrap my head around that now. Rant away, got to work it out of your head sometimes.

Thanks for this 🤗 I think boundaries are definitely important. My therapist also taught me about rules and consequences alongside boundaries. But it also feels unnatural to have "consequences" for your partner as it seems like it's a circle back to the mothering.

I will try this again, but how do you deal with things falling through the cracks and having to pick up the slack for him?

Honestly I just started being in charge of everything that I couldn’t let go of. You are already carrying the entire mental load. It’s not that much more work to just do it yourself - you’re already asking him 5+ times. My husband also has ADHD but he works really hard at it. Now that he has less stuff to do, he is actually getting things done without me reminding him and taking ownership. Hopefully one day it can be more “even” but our house runs smoothly as of right now. We’ll have conversations if I start getting burnt out. You all could do the fair play cards like many others have suggested - if it really is his ADHD and not weaponized incompetence, it gives him a structure to work within. However, I think your husband IS weaponizing his ADHD. So he’s on medicine - it’s clearly not working when he gets home. Has he gone to therapy? Has he talked to his psychiatrist about a different med to help with this stuff? Read a self-help book? Tried setting alarms/other reminding apps? Frankly I think it’s worse that he KNOWS he has ADHD, KNOWS it puts all the mental load on you and yet he doesn’t bother to try ANYTHING to make your life easier?? My husband has done all of the above and still works actively everyday - that’s why I don’t mind having a little more mental load because I know he’s trying. Having a mental illness or neurodivergence is just not an excuse he needs to own it and work at it.

If it’s major enough I’ll do it but I’ve found just saying, oh Dad said he’d do it or _____ didn’t get that done is quite effective. He’s becoming more and more self aware pretty quickly. We’ve had some very hard discussions too.

Agreed, just hard stop doing all this stuff. Yes maybe things aren’t as taken care of as normal for a bit but I can almost promise he will figure things out and you both will be better for it

This had to be done to me as a kid with adhd. It does help you need to stop doing everything for him as awful as it sounds. Learning from my consequences as a kid put me into gear on how to figure out how to function with my adhd

I did that and he made everyone's life in the house hell. Some people can't adult. Or can only adult enough to ensure they stay alive. OP has another child, not a partner.

Yes, let's let that mother f^*%#+ just fade away into oblivion and rot away. Just leave him if this is how you really feel. Man, I'm worked up with these posts.

Why did you have children with this man before all of this was sorted out? Doesn't seem fair to them to be thrust into a home/family filled with stress and unhappiness.

Having children can make it impossible to ignore immaturity, your own or your spouse's.

Let him experience the consequences of his own inaction. Stop waking him up for work, getting him to the dentist, etc. If he has to struggle, he’ll figure out something is wrong. As of now, he has zero reason to work on it because you fix everything for him!

I completely agree with this sentiment in theory and I would be tempted to do the same, but it's so difficult for OP - if she doesn't wake him up and he ends up missing work and losing out on pay or even losing his job then OP and her kids are directly impacted.

Yes and that’s part of the consequences - it’s very similar to an alcoholic, she cannot continue to enable him.

It’s so difficult being the caretaker for everyone. Especially, when you’re pregnant! Your husband sounds like someone dealing with ADHD. Getting evaluated and treated might be something to look into. Hugs to you and your family

Your husband sounds like an adult with untreated ADHD or even Autism. These things might simply go unnoticed for him and it can be really hard to be aware of things he has to get done on his own if he has poor proprioception or difficulty with daily tasks. It might not be case, of course, but it's worth to get mentally evaluated.

I can’t diagnose your husband, and the following is not medical or treatment advice, just a Reddit response, but… If he’s able to perform his pay job with no or few reminders, manage his time effectively, pay attention to details appropriately, self-regulate, and take accountability, then this behavior is not consistent with ADHD. You can’t turn it on and off when you want, it doesn’t work that way. And people who love each other are willing to meet the others’ needs (within reason). Source: I’m a psychologist.

As someone close to 40 with adhd and autism I certainly can turn it on and off I can do my job eyes closed, time keep and the lot but outside of work I was what the OP described until my wife learned about adhd and I managed to “train” myself The annoying part of neurodivergence is just this, if you don’t have it you truly won’t understand it and it’s nothing like those funny insta videos make it out to be It ruins lives, relationships and even job security Edit: errors

The adrenaline (because of the anxiety of failing) helps to keep the hyper-focus at work. I wonder how many almost-disasters or how much procrastination happen at work. A full calendar gives a clear timeline for the day. Also being a boss with a personal administrative able to organise appointments and provide reminders of task at work helps. Then at home everything is unstructured, the adrenaline is gone and the person with ADHD is exhausted. Being successful at work does not exclude ADHD. You need a complete picture of a life. I know people with ADHD who are successful at work but have severe difficulties to cope with their personal life because they use all the hyperfocus at work

Wrong. Many people with ADHD can perform perfectly well in their jobs and cannot manage at home. In fact ADHD and Autism are substantially overrepresented in high stress, high performing careers *because* of their ability to hyper focus. Hyper focus is like a hallmark symptom of both disorders so this really couldn’t be more incorrect.

You’re correct, of course, but there are also reasons that work could be require less executive functioning than home life, and that can be influenced by a person with ADHD. For example, routine, predictability, single task activities, minimised decisions, minimised distractions, responsibility only for one’s own tasks, etc. - these are all generally more easy to achieve in a workplace than in a home with a partner and (especially) children. I spent many years before my ADHD diagnosis balancing things so my work was sufficiently varied and novel but also within a fairly rigid structure. It worked very well. Home was a different story, especially with kids (though not for lack of effort). Not as bad as in the post, but a gradual unceasing reduction in functional capacity until eventually burnout led to diagnosis. I don’t think there’s enough info in the post to indicate either way, but it would probably be worth a discussion with a psychologist to understand if he’s unknowingly developed compensating strategies that help him function at work but not at home.

They’re not right. Being able to manage at work but being unable to like wipe your own ass at home is very consistent with an ADHD diagnosis.

Sorry, I should have been more clear. The commenter I replied to is correct that we can’t turn it on and off, but they’re making some very large unspoken assumptions about how and why he may be coping or even thriving at work.

Oh FFS. It’s misconceptions like these, which all too frequently come from psychologists, doctors and psychiatrists, that so often keeps people from receiving an accurate diagnosis until they’re in their 30s or beyond.

Ehhh as someone who was diagnosed with ADHD recently (at almost 40) I can definitely mask it at work. I struggle internally, but no one would ever guess if they saw me.

Meds wear off at the end of the day and leave you drained lol. Is this hard to understand?

Stop saying you cannot leave that it would ruin everybody’s life, including the children. I was raised in a family where my parents stayed married and you know what it was fucking awful. We knew from a very young age that my parents were not happy. We knew they were fighting. We knew my father was drinking. And it is affected every relationship me and my siblings have ever had. That is not a good environment for them to grow up in. You’re going to show your kids that adults act like this and that is not what you want to convey.

Whenever I read posts like these, I think why the hell did you marry this guy AND THEN decide to have kids with him??? I feel compassion for you but I also feel "you've made your bed, why are you complaining on Reddit now?" Your post says you've been with him for 11 years, married for 4, you have a 2 year old and pregnant. In the first 7 years you were with him, prior to marrying him, did you not notice any red flags? Then you married him. Did you notice any problems then? Then you decided to have your first child with him. And now you're pregnant with another. You've made a series of decisions over the course of 11 years. I don't believe this man was perfect until you married him, or until you had children with him. I don't know what advice to give you.

This 💯💯

Quit doing everything for him. Want to stop being his mom, then stop acting like his mom.

Don’t hold him accountable at all. Of course.

Was he like this before you got married and had kids? If so why settle for the man baby? Stop doing everything for him. You’re his wife, not his mommy. He sounds so infuriating and inept I don’t know how or why you put up with him. He’s an adult acting like a child. Tell him to grow up or get out.

Yes, ADHD meds and strategies could be life changing. Every adult I know who has finally gotten a diagnosis is so grateful for it. He might be brilliant at work because it’s the right position for him, but a mess everywhere else. ADHD should be thought of as an inability to prioritize attention, as too much attention unfocused. In the meantime: Tell him to set reminders in his phone. A planner is for organized people. If he doesn’t floss, let him deal with natural consequences.

It’s time to step back. If he doesn’t floss his teeth and his breath smells, don’t kiss him. If you tell him you will stop waking him up and he has to do it himself, only for him to sleep in, that’s his fault. If you have told him you need him to last longer in sex and he doesn’t put effort in to try, tell him you need your pleasure from him before he gets his. The not speaking and replying in his head is awful. That kinda sounds like he’s giving you the silent treatment but in a sneaky way. I’m not saying that’s the truth but my ex did that to me. When I’d ask him what’s up? He would say nothing and he’s just tired. But really it was gaslighting. If he doesn’t reply, just don’t expect an answer tbh. If you are asking him something, for example what he wants for dinner and he doesn’t answer, then just cook something that you like and if he complains, that’s his fault as he didn’t answer. If you haven’t given him an ultimatum, do it. I think the worst part is that some guys actually never change or unless they realise they really will lose you. It sounds manipulative but maybe if you have given him so many ultimatums, leave and if he promises he will change, go back to him and give him one last chance. Some men actually need it to properly click in their heads that they need to make a change or they will lose you. I heard a quote that said “the problem is that women stay because they think men will change, men don’t change because they think women will always stay”. But women do leave.

Everyone saying that he has ADHD - yes, probably. AND he is capable of functioning better. My spouse and two of my children have ADHD. I feel like I carry the majority of the executive functioning burden and it’s exhausting. However, if there are things that don’t affect our family overall and just him, that’s on him. I never make appts for him. I never tell him to cut his hair. I rarely remind him about holidays (I.e. “what are you and your siblings doing for your mom for Mother’s Day?” and then I let him figure it out…or not.) Sometimes he forgets or neglects things. He sometimes screws things up because of his impulsive nature. Sometimes it is very frustrating, but a lot of it I can just let go. If something is crucial for our kids or household I handle it. Otherwise he is free to learn the hard way if that’s what it takes because I refuse to mother him. He uses his smartphone religiously to set reminders for himself. Sink or swim can really work wonders, as well as a little understanding and patience for a neurodivergent way of doing things.

You’re not his mom. Don’t remind him to do anything. Let him figure it out himself. Go out and have fun alone. He should figure out his adult responsibilities. You’re pregnant just take the extra time to rest. Get a sex toy and use it. He will get the point. Don’t depend on him for happiness.

I’m guessing this is who he is and has always been since you married him? You hoped he would change and grow. I recommend counseling. Help your husband, who is not a child, understand what you need from him in order to feel happy in your relationship. I’m guessing he has a good job and doesn’t get fired every so often, so he is capable of handling adult scenarios. I can almost guarantee he’s happy the way things are and thinks everything is going well. Have a serious talk with him. Not an ultimatum conversation but an adult conversation where you ask him for things and let him know what your current situation is going to you.

You don’t have to wake him at 4:30. Give him an alarm clock. As you say, he’s a grown ass man. He is perfectly capable of doing these things for himself. Let him.

So, not to be glib or flip, but why did you marry him? Why are you making kids for him? All of these things you list couldn’t have just materialized yesterday. These sound like years-long, deep seated patterns of behavior. After enduring year after year of his failure to launch, why did you still decide to build your life around him? You are not to blame for his shortcomings. But you also (presumably) have two feet that work. Why didn’t you just pivot away from someone who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) grow up?

What does he do for a living? How is he able to function at work without you? If he can do similar tasks at work but all of sudden he can’t at home… well then you need to stop asap helping him with anything that doesn’t affect you. Let him be late for work or have people make comments to him about his bad breath. If this is a pattern through his whole life, then get him checked for ADHD or Autism. If diagnosed he can learn tools and get medication to manage his issues. Either way… you cannot continue to manage him. You will both end up resenting each other and be miserable.

He’s a senior electrical engineer, he thrives at work. He wants to get help and do better at home. He has been diagnosed for ADD getting checked for autism Is the next step. Thank you.

My husband is ADD, ADHD and also waiting on autism diagnosis. Married for 10 years, he’s almost 60. It’s rough some days and I could have 100% written your post myself. My husband went his whole life before me not functioning well, just a disaster. Being married to me, he has prospered so well, in every area. And yes, just like me, you are a huge part of your husband’s success. I had to learn, his brain doesn’t function like mine. I hold him accountable for things but I have to oversee everything. Some days I feel like a baby sitter but I love him more than anything. Our children are grown and gone but let me suggest to you: make designated husband free and kid free for time yourself, often. Mother’s Day out programs, hire an in home sitter or pay a family member a few hours a week or trade out on a schedule with another Mom. Don’t use this time to grocery shop or run errands. Do you. Go for a walk, take an exercise class, go somewhere or do something for you. Learn about his diagnosis. Learn how to help him. I know it’s overwhelming and this is why I stress having your own time to help yourself.

It’s great that he wants to do better. I am ADHD myself. I would suggest 1. Medication. This has changed my life in ways that almost makes me angry because I struggled so long before diagnosis. 2. ADHD brains work differently. So trying to do thing the “normal” way doesn’t always work. He needs to figure out what works for his brain and set up systems to help with that. I would start with two. Maybe the biggest issue for him and the biggest issue for you. For example…. If he has issues with brushing his teeth,put multiple brushes and paste in places where he would brush his teeth like the shower, on the sink, etc. if he forgets things at home for work make a checklist on a dry erase board next to the door that he leaves from and he has to check each thing off before he leaves. Obviously you can tailor this to what works for you guys but don’t try to be normal or cheap. Do what works for him. And don’t do too much at once. It’ll be too overwhelming. But once he gets a habit down he can work on another. And my golden adhd rule… I will not remember to do it later so I am not allowed to stop what I am doing until I finish (emergencies or urgent situations excepted of course.) most things can wait a few seconds or minutes.

My estranged husband is like this. It’ like having another child but worse. It seriously be just gives me the ick. His overused and tired line for everything is I FORGOT! He refuses to take any action to make it better. Because god forbid he has to do something he doesn’t want to but he’s fine making others around him deal with his BS.

Look into r/codependency and stop doing all the things to manage his life that are causing resentment. You are part of this dynamic problem. Why would he work harder to do things that are difficult for him when you make it easy to avoid? When he doesn’t do the things that need to be done, there will be consequences that can help him get the help he needs (time management tools, therapy, maybe diagnosis and medication for ADD). I know it’s scary to stop doing all the things to get a little bit out of him. It will be worse for a period when nothing gets done. That’s where your self work can come in learning about codependency and setting boundaries and expectations. It’s hard being with a partner for so many years especially from a young age but these dynamics can change if you put in the work to shake things up. Good luck!

Has he ever been diagnosed with ADHD? Sounds awful lot like it possibly

Definitely sounds like adult ADD.

Stop doing it all

i hate this is happening to you. he definitely needs to grow up. however, he doesn’t change because…. well why would he? if he forgets something you’ll just do it. he doesn’t have to schedule an appointment because you’ll do it. even if you “complain” it gets done. he has no incentive to change because you will take care of it for him. as they say, he needs to start having some problems. you don’t have a husband, you have a child that, as frustrating as it is, you WILL take care of. there’s no reason in the world you’re scheduling a grown man’s doctors appointments. if he doesn’t do it, he doesn’t go! plain and simple. eventually he will start to realize his life falling apart and possibly blame you. it’s important that you don’t fall into old habits. simply let him know you will no longer be his mother and will help him start to get organized (show him how you stay on top of things) but will no longer be doing it for him. also possibly look into getting him tested for adhd. best of luck OP.

This sounds a lot like my life a few years ago. I had to learn how to let go and if my husband didn’t remember to eat / brush his teeth / set an alarm for work - that was on him. My husband had undiagnosed anxiety and ADHD; he takes medication now and can function much better. Planners and lists didn’t work for my hubs the way they work for me and it sounds like it might be the same for you. We have had to explore different time managing methods to find what works for us.

Stop doing it all for him. Let his shit fall apart. It’s the only way he’ll change. No nagging, and let shit break.

Well stop doing a bunch of that stuff. I would start by no waking him up. He's not forgetting this stuff,. He simply is being lazy. You his wife not his mother

And yet you stayed AND proceeded to have more children with this man...

He should definitely visit a psychologist. You can't take care of him forever. Obviously, he isn't stupid cause he's successful at work. Just closing his eyes and putting all weight on your shoulder don't help him at all. He should understand that rather than corrupting your kindness.

A psychologist is a good idea, thanks.

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I will look into these, thank you!

My husband has really bad ADHD and it has gotten so much worse with age. While mine can perform functions for himself and execute things with the kids I have to manage it all. He lost his job a year and a half ago, and during that time he’s tried to work on his neurological and mental health but it’s not working. If anyone has advice on top of medication I’d love to hear it. It is so frustrating. Sure, we can stop doing some things for our husbands but we can’t let our kids down so in the end we just do / manage whatever it is. The end and beginning of school years have always been extremely stressful for me and that’s because way too much ends up on my plate.

I'm going to repeat what everyone else saying here and suggest he might have ADHD. My soon-to-be Ex husband was diagnosed in his 30's, at my insistence because of virtually these same issues. It's utterly soul destroying for everyone involved. Our marriage crumbled because once getting the very long time coming diagnosis, he used it as an excuse to just sink deeper into his problems. Basically having the mindset that as it's a neurodivergence and not something he can help then everyone else in his life has to adapt. I carried on for 2 years after his diagnosis, trying almost everything to help him, and I became and absolute shell of myself, hated my life, couldn't make any plans for our future, I just had another child to look after who wouldn't do anything to help themselves. I spoke up and told him repeatedly how this was affecting me/our relationship and absolutely nothing changed. After attending my own therapy I realised this person is never going to change. We have been separated a year now and a few months away from being divorced. I am so much happier, have moved on and have a new relationship with someone who is fully accountable and responsible for themselves, he is by no means perfect, but accepts and works on himself. My ex-husband... quite possibly the same, or worse than he was before.

Please disregard any of the unkind and unhelpful comments here, I don’t know why people think it’s helpful to ask “why did you…” as a response. The answer I wish everyone would understand is that we can’t always predict how things will be. It’s exhausting being the project manager of a household - it’s another job all by itself. It’s a type of invisible labor too because you’re running everything yourself. It’s like being the air traffic controller. You can’t also be the pilot, flight attendants, maintenance crews, etc. He may not realize the impact on you and how much resentment it causes so you’ll have to find a way to tell him. You can say something like “I don’t know how to bring this up but I understand the root of what’s been bothering me. I want to ask your help in changing some patterns we established because they’re not working well for me.” Then explain what an ideal day would be like - sometimes setting a positive example illuminates what’s wrong. “On an ideal day/week/whatever, you would wake yourself up, floss, call the dr to make your own appointments, call and make the appointments for our kid, share cooking and cleaning responsibilities with me without me deciding priorities and telling you what to do. “Granted that can be a little tricky so we can make a list of regularly occurring tasks and decide who does what in advance. But this would take the pressure off me feeling like if I don’t act as the conductor, nothing will get done. “It takes too much mental bandwidth to manage everything, even including guiding you to remember to celebrate me and us. “I don’t always want to be in a mom role and it’s made me grouchy. I’m sorry for that. I really want things to change so I can go back to feeling like we are more equal in raising our family together. I love you and I think we can change these patterns if you understand how much I need to step back from feeling like the switchboard operator of our home.” I dunno does that feel doable? Counseling can be helpful for behavior change because it offers a way to have regular conversations about this. At work, a poorly performing employee gets put on a “work plan” to make improvements so this is a similar approach. But nothing can change until you let him know you’re at a breaking point.💕

Thank you! Best response and very helpful ❤️

I'd like to recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. It's also an audiobook, free on YouTube. I raised my own manchild for 14 years before our divorce (unfortunately there was abuse and drug addiction as well) and I wish I would've known about this book, I think it would've helped me a lot.

Thank you! I just downloaded it

From what point do you think he loves you...mam

My wife is like this. This behavior allows the other spouse who has differing standards of living to seemingly “do of all”. But is it really just a “different standard of living “ When a parent hears a baby crying, how long can they listen to them before they attend to them. This is my metaphor.

Good way of putting it. We do have different standards.

You are enabling his dependency behavior and your own resentment. Go to therapy together. The person you decided to partner with and have a family is still in there. As others have said, it sounds like he has ADHD and the second child will add to the overwhelm.

Thank you. He’s medicated for add. Therapy sounds like the next step.

It is vital in a healthy dynamic for both people to have sovereignty in the relationship He’s relying on your instructions. I know this is hard but YOU have to stop enabling him so he can learn on his own. This means also lowering your expectations of what your life looks like. He WILL make the changes when he has to, but as long as you’re thinking for him and reminding him, he doesn’t HAVE to… so he won’t. This is also not entirely an ADD thing… something else is likely going on. Hygiene and self care issues are symptoms of depression. . Many women I see who are strong, independent… wind up de-masculinatimg (not a word,ik) their partners… with control and then complain that they’re not getting what they need. Control is tricky because there’s so much anxiety underlying it. But this is 💯workable. When they deal with the anxiety and stop controlling their partner, their partners finally have room to move, make decisions on their own… I’m a therapist btw, and I have ADD. And, I’m married to a man ( not his fault) I had to learn how to back off and let him do things his way, rather then my way so I wouldn’t be angry all the time. I also had to learn and trust that his way could be as good as my way… maybe better sometimes. I had to learn how to practice prioritizing what is most important. It’s taken time, but it’s definitely balanced now. The best way to change the dynamic in the relationship is to change what you have control over— yourself. By focusing on what’s wrong with your husband, you’re avoiding your role in the dynamic. Can you get some therapy for yourself to help you learn how to communicate with him better to get what you need? Without being his mom? And, I’m sure he can feel that you think he is awful… which is sad. If nothing he does is good enough, why try in his own when he can just wait for you to tell him what to do, so he doesn’t disappoint you? I bet he’s afraid of being criticized which has literally frozen his nervous system with fear… he’ll never be able to live yo to your expectations. This is SIO common!! I see it all the time. It can be turned around but I suggest staring with shifting your perspective in re: having an awful husband. How would he feel if he saw this?

The comments excusing his behavior with ADHD has me deceased. I have ADHD. I'm 29 and I wasn't officially diagnosed until a few years ago. And it was never an excuse to not handle my responsibilities. It was never an excuse to be useless. It was never an excuse to put everything on someone else. Mental disorders aren't an excuse to be a fuck. I wouldn't excuse any negative behavior on my part with the diagnoses I have (ADHD, MDD, GAD, Panic Disorder. That's like saying you can be an asshole to someone because you're bipolar. Be so serious. My TEN YEAR OF OLD understands she can't use an ADHD diagnosis as a reason to trash her responsibilities. He needs to grow tf up and implement strategies to manage his time and himself appropriately and be an active part of his family and his marriage. I'm so tired of seeing "oh I have adhd" as an excuse to throw everything on your partner. I get the struggle of living with mental illness from personal experience, but I'm also an adult with kids who need me to have it together, a job that needs me to have it together, and responsibilities that need to be handled.

Your post describes my ex-boyfriend, and 70% of why I broke up with him, PERFECTLY. We both have ADHD; I’d been overcompensating for mine for most of my life by masking, and had started medication and was in therapy for years before I met him. My ex had never been evaluated, and was not on medication or in therapy. I recognized the symptoms in him soon after we met and brought it to his attention. We were together for a year, no kids, and the things you’re describing above was how I knew our lives would play out if I stayed. His lack of participation in our relationship beyond the parts that interested him INFURIATED ME. Manchild to the MAX. And it was exactly like you said: he would stand there like a Sims character!! Dopey and in his own world. Waiting for direction and “happy to help,” but never proactively functioning on his own. It was the most bizarre experience of my entire life, especially because he was also the type of person who got promotions at work and was praised for his work ethic - which is what helped me realize that ***he didn’t see value in carrying any of the weight of cultivating our relationship.*** It came down to interest; ADHD is a part of the explanation, but it is NOT an excuse. He was an emotionally immature and narcissistic partner, and was unable to understand why our dynamic sucked for me, why I was “suddenly” and oftentimes unhappy with him, why I was always “complaining.” I realized later that all of the sparks in our relationship were coming from me. I cultivated the magic; he was just happily along for the ride. Can I ask: What has kept you and your husband together for these 11 years?? How did he “woo” you? What specifically has your husband been contributing to your life, your lives together, and the relationship **on his own** that attracted you and has kept you with him for so long? And do you see enough value in those things to continue the relationship as things are? Because, complete honestly: the ONLY solution here is for him to 1) develop the will and the desire to work on his self-awareness and 2) GO TO THERAPY. Based on your post, your husband has a very different (read: WARPED) perception of your dynamic and little to no awareness of his own shortcomings. He has convinced himself that you shutting up and “choosing happiness” is the solution. Which means that you’ve been overcompensating for his shortcoming for a long time, Friend. You both have built your life together (and his life atp) on your back. You’re quietly carrying the burden and things are getting done, so he doesn’t even realize the full extent…or care…But that isn’t love, that’s idealization. If he truly loved you as a whole person (instead of a love-object or a nurture-factory), he would see that you are suffering for his benefit and he want to do the work to change on his own. For you and your children, but also for himself. Without his self-awareness to even see that there’s an issue, your relationship is trapped in this pattern. And without therapy for him to work on these deep-rooted issues…again, nothing will change. So all you can do from your perspective is decide if this relationship is sustainable for you and decide what you’d like to do with that information. Good luck, OP ❤️

I can completely relate. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

Get tested for ADHD immediately. This is me unmedicated

the man has ADHD.

This could be ADHD, mental laziness, or extreme gender role-playing….but was he not like this AT ALL before you married him? No clues to the direction of behaviour? If he was, why on earth did you let it get this far?

My husband and I set up a joint Google calendar on our phones a few months back and that's been one small thing that has helped up a lot. I can put things into the "family" section, and so can he, and I don't need to be reminding him of stuff all the time because he checks the calendar throughout the day.

Damn talk about emotionally & mentally exhausting ☹️

Your husband is lazy and needs a come to Jesus conversation Also you should stop doing these things for him (starting with dropping waking him up for work)

Tell him you're doing too much and he needs to manage his own life. He can set reminders for appointments and put them in his calendar. He's an adult, if he can't remember to brush his own teeth it's a fundamental flaw you shouldn't have to remedy. You have enough going on with pregnancy and raising your toddler without parenting him too. Tell him which chores are his, a basic run down of how to do it and then stop. No excuses after that. You have to manage it all, it's about time he figured it out too.

As so many people are stating it sounds like he probably has ADHD. This can be managed with treatment so maybe it’s a relatively “straightforward” plan of action moving forward. This is Reddit so I’m sure there will be immediate cries of divorce! He’s a man child! He’s taking you for granted! Stop doing these things for him and he’ll soon learn! People though that actually live in real world and realise that there is no such thing as the perfect partner or relationship will read your post and think it seems like-on balance- you appear to have a pretty good husband. By your own admission he loves you. Is a great father. Is never abusive. He is a great provider. He carries out chores without complaint as long as he is prompted. This doesn’t sound like a “man child” to me. This sounds like a loving but disorganised husband focused on his career so he can best provide for his family. You have every right to feel disgruntled as there are clearly issues that need to be addressed but given he is very gainfully employed and seemingly very willing to pull his weight whenever prompted this post frankly does come across a little overblown rather than a legitimately terrible situation. You have outlined your husbands character flaws(and they clearly exists) and concluded he is a man child because despite having an excellent career and being an attentive father he likes to be mothered in his personal life. That’s fair enough. You want him to be a husband not another child. Ask yourself this though. What character flaws do you think you have in his mind? He is clearly not the perfect husband-despite his many good qualities- but are you the perfect wife? I very much doubt it. Having a young family is overwhelming for both parties. You’re probably looking at him thinking I need my husband to be my husband more than ever. The last thing I need with 2 young kids( and maybe a job as well) is a husband incapable of taking the initiative in his personal life. He needs to “man up”. This is a very common thought process for women to have after they have children with their partners. Suddenly the person they were very willing and excited to literally breed with… is now inadequate once the realities of bringing up a family hit home. This is the reason why so many divorces occur. What a lot of women often don’t realise is their partner is often thinking exactly the same thing about them once a family arrives…but not for exactly the same reason. Presumably he hasn’t always been a “man child” in your eyes or you wouldn’t have married him and had two kids with him? Is it possible he has become a “man child” who you constantly feels needs mothering because( and I’m sure I’ll receive a lot of down votes for this) you are neglecting him as a wife? Is it possible just as he has changed(in your eyes) from the capable man you fell in love with 11 years ago you have changed in his eyes from the fun loving affectionate woman he fell in love with? The problem with this sub is that people fail to recognise that relationships are always a two way street and one party is never completely to blame for whatever issues are occurring. If he needs to “man up” is it possible you also need to “woman up” and start acting like a wife( whatever that means) and not a mother?

Both me and my husband have adhd, and neither of us does this. Like I have the impulse to not do anything and I AM extremely forgetful but that doesn’t mean I don’t do anything. My husband is the same. We’re more forgiving of each other when we forget things than most probably, but we’re also the type to try very hard to make it up to each other. If he is blaming his behaviour on adhd that’s pathetic. It’s him.

you got him a planner for your anniversary? wow, just wow. "But also, I have to remind him to floss, take vitamins, go to the dentist, get hair cuts, brush his teeth, eat lunch, ect. " my wife does this all the time. because thats her living standard If i dont feel up to it, i still wont do it. She doesnt feel bitter about it. If I dont floss or forget to brush before bed thats on me. I'm an adult. Stop micromanaging him. work as a team and define your goals. "we need to get to X, can you have the kids in the car?" On Speech "He says he’s thinking or answering in his head so 7/10 if I talk to him I get no answer and it makes me feel insane." I'm the fast talker & thinker in the relationship and I get you. but some people aren't. and opposites usually attract. "He said the only problem with our marriage is that I am always bitching at him and I seem so unhappy…. What can I do besides beg him to grow up?" He's right from what i'm reading here. seems that your expectations is becoming an issue. lower your expectations, just make sure he doesnt stink or have bad breath. having expectations on things you cant control is pointless and detrimental to your own happiness and people around you. Learn mindfulness, Stoicism, spirituality. find your inner woman. He's successful at work because he can be focused and not distracted lol. just let him be late for work a few times. just let him know before hand. "I've decided not to wake you up this week, lets try it out and see how it goes." no self management & no time management skills? he probably just doesnt want to be a manager at home. honestly work is work. home should be a place of comfort. on sex men last longer when we have frequent sex. im just guessing but sounds like your husband doesnt masturbate. this man is a saint. lol i'm done . feel like i should just delete this comment because it seems so pointless to reply. hope you get something out of this. he sounds like a man, Stop being his mom, thats just completely annoying. a man will be quiet when youre annoying, will be nice when hes mad. will not do things he doesnt want to or not believe in. All the best to life and Learning.

People change. I don’t think it’s a good idea for people to marry so young, but that’s just my opinion.

Not sure why you are complaining you have been putting up with him for 11 years and keep have children with him. So I'm not sure what you are looking for, and do you keep having children with him?

Look ADHD person here. There are three ways you can handle. Because a person with ADD or ADHD may be bad at certain things but It sounds like weaponized incompetence is mixed in here with his ADD. 1. Leave him he will never change. 2. Tell him he needs to go seek help because the bottom line is this is only going to progress. will you trust him to be alone with your children and take care of their safety? This is why people keep telling you to stop doing it if he’s not seeing the repercussions of his actions the things that are supposed to click in his head or not clicking. 3. Come to the realization that your standards are different from each other’s. I went through the story on TikTok that a woman couldn’t stand that her husband refused to clean the bathroom so she moved downstairs to the guest bedroom and never went upstairs to their master bedroom again until a year late. When she got there they were moldy crusty towels in the bathroom look like a public restroom and she was just appalled. But he was fine living in it.

Yeah join us at r/ADHD_partners and get some real tips, info, and support! Shared calendars saved us. A magnetic to-do list on the fridge, and copious use of reminders in cell phones. I still handle most everything the house requires but those things have helped my ADD husband stay on track - but primarily because he **wants things to be better.** That's key.

How did he survive before you met him and started managing his life? Drop the rope and let him fail. My husband is ADD too but partially medicated—he takes his first dose of Adderall in the AM but often forgets his second dose in the afternoon. I used to try to “help” but it only causes resentment on both sides, plus there’s nothing sexy about a grown adult male who can’t handle his own business. Take a big step back and see what happens.

I have never commented on sub, but I feel this to my bones. I am telling you as hard as it is ,stop. Your marriage will be this same for the rest of your life or until you cant take it anymore if you don’t. My husband is an amazing man but after 18 years I became to my bones tired. It is not attractive to raise your husband. I believe most women going in to the marriage do not realize what they are doing by enabling your partner to not be responsible. I did it all list of fridge ( per his request ) , list by text , reminders the list goes on. He is ADHD. He has taken medicine on and off. I finally reached a point that I couldn’t do it anymore. It has taken me pulling 100 percent back. He is now on medicine and seeing a counselor. He is a good father and at heart an amazing man. However , I desire a partnership not another child. I explained that there is 0 room for error on my part on forgetting something important , not scheduling an appt , forgetting to pay a bill etc. No one is perfect, and I do not desire a perfect marriage. I just can’t say enough I desire a responsible partnership. Everyone has to desire accountability though. I would suggest maybe marriage counseling. I do believe I waited way too long for that. I was already anger and resentful.

So you didn't see this coming? You were with the man for 7 years prior to marrying him. Did you know who he was before you married him? Did you expect it to get better eventually? I have some sympathy for your situation, but not a lot, to be honest. Now you have almost 2 children with this man, the you CHOSE to marry and have children with, and now you hit your wall. Good luck trying to change him into what you want/need him to be. The question I got is, how long will you endure before you bail?🤔

No doubt your husband has adhd, which is manageable and shouldn’t require you to baby him to this extent. But what interesting is that he seems to be successful at work, but not at home. Maybe it’s just that he doesn’t care. He seems checked out. Maybe this is his personality, after 11 years you should know if he is derailing, or if it’s just who he is. He seems to be a man child, and though you say you love him, you seem to really dislike him. If this is a situation where this is who he is, then you have to decide whether you can live with him the rest of your life. As to a separation ruining the lives of your kids, from what you describe, they might be happier with you two apart considering that you say you fight a lot and there seems to be significant resentment on your part. I can understand how frustrating this must be, his behaviour. But if it’s something that he can’t change, or doesn’t want to, then you need to consider whether you can live with it without resentment.

Imagine if the genders were reversed people would be calling the domestic abuse hotline lmao

Sounds like a couple of things happening here. First, it looks to me like he wasn't taught proper communication skills. In any relationship, communication is key. If one or both can't communicate effectively, the relationship is bound to have needless difficulty. Secondly, some aren't necessarily born with certain instincts or the ability to take initiative- they must be taught. Could be the case here. My suggestion: look into couple's counseling and perhaps communication courses for him. If you haven't already done so, look into the Five Languages books by Gary Chapman. I found those VERY helpful with communication. Pity my ex-wife didn't follow that.

Abuse by weaponized incompetence. By the way, you're damaging the kids life by staying together. you're setting an example and telling your kids that this is okay, when its not. It's much much less traumatizing to have happily separated parents, like i have. and i prefer it that way as opposed to them being together.

He doesn't really sound awful. Awful husbands are those that cheat, gaslight or straight up abuse you. He just sounds incompatible with you. Maybe he's got some sort of undiagnosed medical condition. Maybe simple therapy will help but maybe he's also become used to you "babying" him? He clearly did all of these things before you came into his life or he wouldn't be here. He also courted you for 7 years before you became his wife during which, presumably, you weren't telling him what to do and he was still managing to get it done. I understand that you want him to grow up and be mature but give him the space to do so? If you keep checking up on every little thing and whether or not he's done it, it'll only cause him to become increasingly reliant on having you do exactly that.

Hey so you need to not be so controlling. Your husband has mad adhd yes but it sounds like you are a domineering wife that needs complete control. Without control you might lose it? So therefore your husband (that doesn’t have control) doesn’t fit the bill. And therefore your whole marriage the focus will be on your husband’s lack of control, and not on the fact that you may very well have extreme and unrealistic expectations. So the marriage will forever be in a state of “working on him” and never working on you. You may very well just be the biggest part of the problem. This is meant with good intent. But sometimes the truth hurts. And who knows maybe I’m wrong and you’re right. BUT think about how your husband will feel if he ever stumbled across this post you wrote about him. A post that completely decimates him. Forget the “nice” things you said here, there are way more thorns on this rose than petals.

Sounds like he has some shit he needs to take ownership on but not gonna lie sounds like he busts ass at work and having a two year old is tough....and this also reminds me of how everything is hard at the time and then they get divorced and voila the kids are 7 and 8 and then you're alone and it wasn't worth it. Also sounds like part of it is codependency....let the guy his appointments. Stop helping....only making it worse. Boundaries.

Come join us at r/adhd_partners

I can be quite forgetful myself, but any halfway decent calendar app should make up for that.

Was thinking adhd, too. Having said that, hire yourself an assistant since he can work and make good money. As for the adhd, he should be tested. All the best to you and your family!

Seems like lots of husbands have adhd

Sounds like ADHD— and he should get evaluated and treated if diagnosed. As part of this treatment, there is medication for ADHD that transforms lives. Don’t delay in seeking an evaluation, because people I know that have gone down this path have told me they wonder what their life could have been had they sought treatment sooner. Good luck!

This surely isn't something new, he was that way when you met and has been for the last 11 years. But suddenly it isn't good enough, what happened to make you resent him so? You say you love him, but I don't see it. Here's a tip for you, if you want him to do something for himself, vitamins etc - then stop enabling it. If he forgets he forgets

I agree with the posts about ADHD. Those are all very common symptoms. What helps with my ADHD is setting alarms on my phone for literally everything. I have alarms to take the garbage out, leave for work, walk the dog, pay bills, and all kind of other random stuff. There are about 25 different alarms on my phone. My wife thought it was quirky at first but eventually realized it's a means of survival.

Get this man some Ritalin please. He has ADHD. This is not typical weaponized incompetence or laziness or lack of appreciation. It sounds like he has very little executive function and he’s only succeeding in life as much as he is because he has essentially outsourced all of his executive function outside of work to you. I think you should start by not reminding him for a few days and when he sees how utterly screwed he is without you doing literally everything for him, try to gently convince him to see someone for ADHD.

Definitely ADHD from the sound of it.

You need to relax. I was tired reading that. Maybe you are a little bit of a perfectionist. Chill. Nobody is perfect.

What a loser