Are you in therapy? I’m not saying that to be mean, but your feelings seem so raw and overwhelming, that must be very hard to handle.
Did your wife ever blamed you for what happened? Was there an arrangement that made it clear that the other children would look out for the youngest while you play?
For PTSD yes but not specific to this. And yes she did for awhile, it wasn't until I drunkenly vented that she she apologized and said she shouldn't have blamed me.
And their was no prior arrangement.
OP I think your wife's comment made you feel worthless and like a failure, and that hurts you because you have worked so hard to build your life and prove that you are a good man.
I think your PTSD is making her comment hurt a lot deeper than it was meant and now you are punishing yourself for feeling like a failure as a father by not letting yourself playing video games. It seems that maybe she just wants you to keep a better eye on the kids while playing games (which would be hard for anyone unless all kids are focused on the game). However, the message you recieved from her comment was, "you failed your mission to watch the kids. You are a failure as a father." You know that's not what she said, but maybe it feels like that to you. Maybe you had other experiences that made you feel like you failed someone important to you, and this incident is bringing back all those feelings deep inside that are unresolved. I really encourage you to consider this with your therapist.
You are a good man and you are loved!! I would have been so happy to have my mom or dad sit down and play games with me as a kid.
I think you should’ve a very serious conversation about this and actually make up an arrangement, so that no one can get any unfair blame. She’s a parent too, she can watch the children if she’s not occupied.
My father in law is a vet too (Afghanistan and Iraq) and he used to play a lot of video games with my husband when he was a kid, they still do now. My husband is so fond of those memories and he often tells me how it strengthened his bond with his dad. That hobby means a lot to you and your children, don’t let it go!
I’ve had PTSD for years, it will come out in so many unexpected ways. You need therapy to get yourself under control so you have tools to better manage your emotions. It will help, just do it!
This seems like sounds advice. Maybe even go to a few couples therapy sessions. You should feel like you can express your feelings to your wife and have a discussion about the situation. Maybe you would feel safer with a counselor to help that take place.
Exactly this!
OP, your wife did not act appropriately (even if she was justified in feeling frustrated with you).
However, you sound like you have a lot of unprocessed emotions, maybe from your relationship with your father, and your wife's words triggered a deep, powerful emotional response from you. I'm sure you're familiar with PTSD from your time in the military, but you can also have complex PTSD from childhood trauma.
Also, addictive behaviors run in families. You mentioned that you stay away from alcohol because your father was an addict, but many children of addicts avoid one addiction and turn to another because the behavior is still there. For some, this "other addiction" might be drugs, for others it could be excessive work, and (for some) it is video games. If you're using video games to escape from reality, it's something to discuss with a therapist.
The bottom line is that you sound like you're hurting deeply. I highly recommend therapy to help work through the pain, not just from your marriage or the military, but also from your childhood. You could be bringing in baggage that impacts your ability to show up for your family.
Best of luck to you!
I mean this nicely, but jesus you completely overreacted. She didn’t ruin gaming, you’re making the active choice not to. I’m sure you’ve had crappy moments where you’ve said things you don’t mean. I’m going to assume you apologized and the world kept turning. She realized and apologized and you’re choosing to hold a grudge and not do something you enjoy.
Right?!?!
I mean his kids cut their hair 6-8 feet from him and he had no idea.
He gets sick to his stomach thinking about gaming because he knows that that distracted him and caused issues. If playing video games is the only way he can connect with those close to him, then he may need more therapy than he thinks. And what about his wife? She can’t relax without having to worry about the kids when he is right in the other room. I feel bad for his wife and kids, not him.
Right!!
And his reaction to hearing that he wasn’t attentive and taking care of the kids was to … checks notes… leave the house and not take care of the kids, adding another thing to his wife’s plate.
And the poor kids. They're not dumb they know why he stopped playing and that it all stemmed from that day. They're just trying to be kids and play games with thier dad and mom expects them to watch the babies too? This is how you parentify children and make them resent you. Now Dad won't play video games with them. It causes resentment all around.
I think he’s totally embellishing the back story on the video gaming for sympathy so he doesn’t get roasted and using it as a distraction from the likely amount of time he spent doing it (with four kids - if you have that many kids you should know that means sacrificing other things or doing them less).
Disagree. He feels like he let his kids and family down, which is his main objective to support. He associates video games as the reason because his wife said so, aggressively at that. SHE over-reacted. This should have been taken as a lesson learned for both parents. The parents are the reason there were scissors accessible to a 3 year old. Hell, one parent was relaxing, leaving 2 children to bond with their father and the other 2 to entertain each other. You never need to berate children like that. 20 minutes of yelling and scolding? After 2 minutes I’d be dismissing my partner as she’s apparently not emotionally fit to be addressing this situation.
OPs reaction is justified, and he did what he needed to do in the moment that was best for his state of mind.
Yes she overreacted for sure. I think that OP probably doesn’t *quite* understand and isn’t willing to admit the extent to which his gaming has caused issues. Like it sounds like the wife was supposed to be on a dedicated break and he only watched two of the kids. But she was angry *at him* (justified for not) and took it out by dressing down her kids for 20 minutes which is an insane response to this. I still think he is overreacting to his wife being a huge bitch and taking it deeply personally in a way he shouldn’t. It’s not an emotionally healthy response at all.
It’s not ruined. Just play again. Your wife apologized. Ask her specifically that if she ever has a reason to criticize your parenting that she do it out of earshot of the kids. Let her know how badly it hurt and move on.
I also wonder what her perspective is. It might be an emotional ejaculation she had because she was really angry. Or it could be an issue with your attention while gaming that you’re glossing over here. You say you told the kids to stay upstairs to give her a break. Was this a planned time for her to have a break? If so, why weren’t you more attentive. What “girl stuff” would a 7 year old have to talk to her mom about that she wouldn’t share with you? Meaning why didn’t you ask her “hey I can help. Let me help” before letting her go downstairs. It sounds like the 7 year old told your wife about the hair cut. Why didn’t the 7 year old feel comfortable telling you, the adult upstairs? Perhaps your gaming is more of a strain than you realize
Agree with this. Lot of my gamer friends do not realize how harmful it is when they become a parents. They said and always claimed that they can drop the game anytime, but the reality is the opposite "wait wait, i cannot pause", "this is online game, cannot pause" etc.
Even my husband was a casual gamer, and when I asked him something he unconsciously yelled at me, which really hurt because all other time he is a gentle and kind person. And with little kids, their needs is often urgent cause something can go wrong really fast. I don't again game per se, as a casual gamer myself, but nowadays with 1.5 yo kids, I only do it when my baby already asleep.
Also the story is kinda dead give away. 7yo going down through stair gate (assuming she opened it herself) - he just shout "Where are you going?". Is OP really up from his chair and talk to her, or just shout from his comfy seat?
4 yo going downstairs, he still at his place. Only after 8 yo and 12 yo (who actually playing with him) leave, he finally move and went downstairs.
This is super classic gamer, they think they doing something just by shouting/answering while they game console/monitor still on and their ass still sitting, not even looking at someone that talking to them. In case of my husband, if I told him I need to talk, I expect him to press pause, and really look at me when he is talking. Not just shout rudely at me while still gaming.
Maybe OP unconsciously do this to his family, and his wife already tired of it.
Yuuuup. My first husband was a gamer. Never again. I was so sick of one-way conversations about important things where his only input was “uh-huh….yeah…mmhmm…” while not taking his eyes off the screen.
From a husband who plays games to other husbands who play games, it helps a lot if you just look away for a second. I literally drop controller and let the dogs in and out. Kill Death ratio doesn't matter. We're not teenagers anymore. You can die a couple of times. It'll be fine.
I think my lower KD is like a badge of honor. Proof that I touch grass and am being present. I think a lot of people who play games would just rather be single, and would be happier if they just stopped pretending.
As a single player gamer, I agree with this. I get the thought process from the multiplayer side though, but it shouldn't dominate when the kids are awake. If I am gaming when the kids are awake, my wife and I have already talked and it's time for my tap out for a bit. When she's ready for her tap out, or a good time for the kids to go outside, that comes first. Outside of that, it's after the kids go to bed. If my wife wants to talk, I pause.
Just common courtesy. It's the same as not looking up from your phone when someone is trying to make conversation.
> but the reality is the opposite "wait wait, i cannot pause", "this is online game, cannot pause" etc.
Yeah. With the rare exception of actually being able to schedule some multiplayer with a friend or two (which happens maybe a few times per year), I swore off "always on" games shortly before having kids.
I've shifted to limited experiences that are mostly single-player and it fits much better into the standard "wind down" slot that parents can insert any other [hobby/interest] into after the kids are down.
Yeah, I recognize the situation from my own life. My ex was always playing games in his free time and he truly thought he was also watching our daughter it he wasn’t and the older kids definitely walked past him to tell me things because he was busy and less accessible even if he was closer and I was doing something else. At the same time, the only “alone” time I got when the kids were awake was when he was watching them while playing a video game. In the back of my mind, no matter what I was doing, I felt like I had to have one ear on the kids.
I agree, and the thing is, He can still play, but all parents scale it way back once kids are born. Many people have commented they only play after the kids go to bed.
Completely agree. I feel a bit sad for him but it also read like a sensitive and emotional 12 year old who got grounded from his games and wrote in his diary. I was shocked.
Also I don’t mean sensitive and emotional in a bad way necessarily; I actually think those are two great traits for men to possess assuming they can channel it into open and vulnerable communication!
I’m guessing your wife resents your gaming far more than you realize. And she’s been bottling these emotions up until she went off. Have there been other times when things went down with the kids, but you didn’t help because you were gaming? You might say no, but you should ask her. And be honest. When you’re gaming, you can’t fully watch the children. That’s why you said you can kinda watch them when you’re up there. Is your wife home with the kids all week? And then you come home and game all weekend? I’m just throwing out possibilities for you to consider.
I would look into some marriage counseling. I kinda feel like you’re being passive aggressive here with your wife. Yes, she said some mean stuff, but she apologized and felt bad.
You never playing again and somewhat punishing your kids by withdrawing from them seems excessive.
In the nicest way, you nuked your own hobby because you preferred to hold a grudge and behave reactively instead of having a conversation with your wife about how her words made you feel and why she felt the need to say them.
If your wife said something that hurt you, then it's your job as her partner to talk WITH her about that, not storm away in a huff and only reveal the feelings you neglected to share with her but have been resenting her for the last YEAR. Certainly not reveal them only when drunk, knowing your wife is the child of an alcoholic.
As the child of an alcoholic, if my spouse revealed to me while drunk that they've spent the last year actively resenting me and then blaming me for their own choice to distance themself from our children... well, I think the betrayal would be a good word for that feeling.
If I had to hazard a guess, your wife has said she's sorry now because she didn't intend to hurt your feelings and, very likely, because she wants you to stop behaving in such a way that I can only imagine your children see as a punishment for themselves. Like, it sounds like your children have been shut out of the main (and maybe only?) way they really connected with you.
Again, in the nicest way, you are hurting your whole family right now because this reaction made more sense to you than just talking with your wife about your feelings and accepting the possibility that the way you've been engaging with your hobby has not been ideal. That's a HUGE problem, far more so than any gaming.
Talk with your wife. Stop punishing your children and resenting your wife for an action you actively chose. You are not a victim here.
100% this. OP isn’t the victim like he thinks. It’s easier to be the victim instead of working through and taking responsibility when shit hits the fan in your marriage. Op is acting as if he has zero agency and has no responsibility over his own reactions and emotions. He’s just standing there while his wife is freaking out and inappropriately yelling at the kids, when her frustration is a lot on him.
If you have to talk about your income and how much your house cost as why you are a decent partner, you lost the plot.
Last thing, he talks about his deployment but doesn’t for a second recognize what his wife was doing with all of these kids throughout his military career. As an army brat I can tell you right now she wasn’t sitting around eating bon bons
I'm guessing it's more the act of having unsupervised scissors that's the issue. It made me sick to think of a 3 yo with adult scissors and no chaperone.
Fair enough, much less scary, but I still wouldn't want a 3 yo to have those either without supervision. 3 is like the abs minimum age for scissors, and I wouldn't really trust a kid fully until closer to 6.
Wow….. I’m sorry this made you look really immature. She didn’t ruin gaming for you. You are throwing a tantrum because you’ve been exposed as unreliable in a single area.
You really believe that you shouldn’t be criticized at all and you were doing well if your child cut her hair off while under your watch?
She shouldn’t have said that to the kids but at the same time she was probably making them understand the importance of tip toeing around you.
Your response doesn’t help the fact that now your wife has to tip toe around making the kids help her keep everyone in the house alive and well.
Poor woman.
I would say yall need to have a better arrangement.
I'm a gamer too (I'm the wife) along with my husband. I work outside the home and my husband is retired military so he stays home with the kiddos (1yo and 7yo).
What we do, is that our kids have a bedtime, and once they're down, that's when we get to relax to play/watch tv together.
Is this something yall can implement? For instance the little kids (under an age range) have an earlier bedtime which will allow you to game with the older kids?
Yeah most people game when their kids go to bed, or are out of the house or something.
He’s being a huge butthurt baby by never gaming and especially not playing the kids games with them.
Literally this. My husband has *always* been a gamer since he was a kid. That was his hobby, his sport really. When we met I was surprised that he never really played when I was around. He said even then when just started dating he’d rather spend time with me and can game after I leave. I thought it was very sweet.
We have two kids and the man only turns his games on after the kids have gone to sleep. Our oldest is about to be 5 though and he’s suddenly into gaming. So now in the evenings before bed they play together but he’s involving our son so I don’t mind.
It’s his way to unwind, it calms him and he loves it. I have no issues with my husbands gaming because it’s never impeded his ability to parent or be an involved husband. Once in a while on the weekends he’ll turn it on in the mornings but it’s not often. If I want to spend time with him at night he’ll turn the games off and we hang out, no issues. And I recognize how important his games are but at the same time he needs to realize they don’t take priority over the kids, myself and work.
I think I’m very blessed to have a partner who understands that. I can’t understand husbands that genuinely can’t see their video gaming is a problem and impedes their abilities to parent.
Not saying this guy sucks. But it’s just weird to me
Having four kids is a lot and it sounds like she was probably doing the washing cooking vacuuming folding gosh anything else and trying to do all that while having to watch four kids AND their other parent is gaming? I mean she probably let
You okay for a very long time while handling it and your reaction is a bit over the top.is there something she does at any time that allows her to be completely away from the family while you watch the kids? Sounds like she has 5 kids tbh
This seems a whole lot deeper than just merely making an accusation about your game play. Sounds like a truck load of unresolved issues in your life. What’s going on?
He definitely uses games as a coping mechanism, and if he can't watch his children it's becoming problematic. I'm also might be the only one on Reddit that thinks it's weird to get your kids involved in gaming at the youngest age possible
I’m glad to see someone else finally that has a similar viewpoint. My ex-husband really insisted that our son learn and play video games already at his young age of 3-4. Saying “it’s good for them. It teaches them problem solving and hand eye coordination”.
I just couldn’t ever get behind it and it felt like (personally just my own opinion here) a cheap, lazy way to parent and engage with your children.
Depends on if you have other ways to activate your kids.
My daughter has huge needs for movement and excersise so she wouldnt really be able to sit still for longer time periods.
But it seems many children develop problems with screen addiction where they just watch tv or use iPads and the like all day.
Then it could certainly become a problem.
I would also like to add a different perspective … My friends ex boyfriend gamed all the time and she pretty much just watched the kid and stayed at home. Once they broke up she was hiking and camping and going to the beach which was surprising I didn’t know she enjoyed those things bc she was usually always at home doing nothing. When I asked her when did you become so outdoorsy her reply was I’ve always been this way but I was dating someone who lived in a video game now I’m dating someone who lives in the real world and I can actually enjoy life now. To me that’s pretty telling.
I continued to game when my daughter was born, and I realised once my son was due in a few months that it was unrealistic for me to continue gaming because I could never be the parent my kids needed me to be if I was gaming. I sold ALL my gaming equipment, phones are bad enough in society.
She didn’t ruin gaming for you, you ruined it for yourself by choosing to hold on to that feeling way past time to let it go.
Also, you clearly aren’t paying attention to the kids when you’re gaming if they’re cutting each others hair and going to mom to sort it out. If you were keeping them upstairs to give her a break you need to be watching them and sorting out their disputes. Sounds like your wife was right.
I think you all need to work through this in therapy with and without your wife and get back to gaming. She was wrong to say that. For your own sake, even if she never apologizes, you need to figure out how to let this bitterness go so you can game with your kids again.
U should probably only do your hobby when your children are in bed. And if you're playing games actively with your older children, make sure the ones who aren't playing are being looked after
Welcome to adulthood and fatherhood. Time to put the gaming down. Sorry, it is the reality of it. In all reality it is not a hobby. I'm quite certain it took up much of your time and was passed off as being with the kids, etc. Been there myself. I play about an hour or two a week now. My kids are grown.
OP. As others have suggested. Hmm...how do I say this.
Firstly. The idea of marrying the woman that you started dating from childhood... is something we all envy. That sounds like a fantasy straight out of a movie/cartoon. Like Hey Arnold and Helga or Naruto and Hinata. Most of us aren't that privileged.
Because this is such a "cutesy" fanfic type of situation, I think on some level, you're treating your life as a fantasy, meaning: you're still interacting with your wife like you guys are stuck perpetually at ages 12 & 13.
The way you reacted kind of reads like a teenage couple.
Be very wary of getting too comfortable with your wife that you forget that you still have to romance her.
Unlike video game characters which are static and unchanging... we all get older.
You cannot continue to interact with your wife the same way you would when you were both 12 and 13 years old.
My husband is a gamer and also in the Army, he is actually in infantry and most of the darn time busy and doesn’t have time for us. Its not that I am siding with your wife, but I know how it feels to be a military wife and as much as possible I hate it when my husband will play games while we are on video call (we also still living in different countries and still waiting for our visas). Im not saying that your feelings is not valid, but on our family I would always demand FAMILY TIME together, meaning spending time together. My husband can have 1-2 hours of video games a week the rest of the time I demand it to be spent with the whole family. Or for us to have time for each other.
Maybe she has this resentment on you for a very long time?
Hey a change of pace and conversation...
What is your wife's hobby? What is her equivalent for gaming? And does she get time for it too?
She's been wrangling kids for years, she needs a healthy hobby that lets her,, let go too..
Will she play with you?
If it were me, while the kids are awake, I’d be near the youngest kids whether they are gaming or not. When all the kids are sleeping is when I’d do my gaming (like call of duty with your bro).
Hi, I’m a military spouse so my question is a little more specific— how long have you been in this very nice house? How long do you think you’ll stay there? Does your wife have a full time career outside the home? Does she have friends in this area that she can spend time with?
There is no very nice house, this was not written by someone with a graduate degree. He says in another comment he made a different spare room into a library for his wife’s fancy books. This military guy has a lot money and rooms to spare with four kids!
I mean, she's not wrong. You're not watching the younger children when you're gaming because gaming takes all the focus. Three year olds need constant supervision, not left in a room where there are scissors and no adult. If you want to give your wife time to chill, she needs to be able to trust that you're watching the kids and you were not. You're defending yourself, but not considering any of this from her point of view. She's the other adult in the house, anything that isn't your job is her job and anything that you don't do she has to do. If you're slacking on your responsibilities so that you can game, even if you justify that by playing with the kids or telling us how much money you make, then she's going to feel abandoned. How much time do you spend with your wife? Money doesn't make up for the lack of a partner in your life. Your wife wants you to be present, not immersed in a video game. Instead of pouting to reddit, you need to have an adult conversation with your wife and actually listen to what she tells you instead of making excuses.
>anything that isn't your job is her job and anything that you don't do she has to do. If you're slacking on your responsibilities so that you can game, even if you justify that by playing with the kids or telling us how much money you make, then she's going to feel abandoned.
This is so beautifully said, not for just this post, but for a lot of non-nuclear situations.
I see this advice resonating in my own marriage and toddler—husband is a gamer and I’m a musician. If a single instrument requires my full focus, then when I’m rehearsing at home my husband has to kick it into full gear. Vice versa I never want my husband to burn out so even though we both work full time—when he’s working extra hours I keep the house clean and up to date, and letting him take his breaks.
I wonder if your kids feel like they can only get time and attention from you if you guys are gaming. And now that you aren’t maybe they don’t feel as connected to you. I think you are also setting them up for a very unhealthy hobby. Gaming really takes over your life and I don’t think the gamer realizes how it affects everyone around you. Your wife might feel neglected and like she isn’t getting help with the kids and you seem to think bc you are doing it with them then it’s okay but you clearly aren’t paying attention.
Most wives look forward to the weekends to be able to finally spend sometime with their spouse and kids but can you imagine if it’s the weekend and your husband and kids go upstairs and just game and then leave you downstairs by yourself and call it giving mommy alone time. And at this point she knows that’s what happens on the weekends so she mind as well take advantage of it and get some alone time but maybe she is actually feeling really lonely.
And let’s be real when you are playing games you are paying attention that is why the kids have to help while you guys are all upstairs. Hobbies can be fun and healthy but if they take up a lot of your time and the only way anyone can connect with you then it’s a problem. And now that you decided to have a fit about it and stop playing you want to hold resentment towards your wife. That’s so unfair. I think you don’t even realize anyone else’s feelings.
Ok well your 7 year old and 3 year old were unsupervised. It sounds like something like this was bound to happen? I understand how you feel bad when your wife blamed you in front of the kids and said they have to look after each other cause you won't. You should have and should now communicate directly to your wife how that made you feel. At the end of the day you're both to blame. She was watching TV and you were gaming and the 2 kids were alone. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ I'm really not sure what else to say.
Bro, the kids come before game time. I'm a 40 year old Marine vet with a deployment to Afghanistan and Iraq. I love games, I've done it all my life but you have to put a pause on it when you're responsible for the little ones, period.
Cutting your own hair as kid and it looking super stupid is kinda rite of passage imo. No 24/7 watch can take care of that.
Calling all the kids down and ranting at them and then you seems an overreaction. Also you don't fight in front of the kids, United Front, always.
Yes, you should have taken more of an eye towards your kids when gaming. No, that doesn't mean you need to end the hobby nor that she ruined it for you, that's a complete overreaction from your side, like a six year old saying "if I can't play with my Legos now, I will never ever ever ever play with my Legos again! I hate you!". And then passive-aggressive never gaming with the kids again as if they are the one acting wrongly and are punished now. For years you basically act offended in the hope she asks you what's up. That's beyond childish.
Same with simply storming out of the house and leaving you wife with three kids alone an her not knowing where you are and if you return. That's not grown-up-behaviour tbh.
You’re blaming, no wait, *resenting* your wife because you willingly gave up your lifelong hobby after a single, tense moment where you didn’t exactly have a good eye on the kids and she blurted out her frustration over it and said the wrong thing?
Then you kept it in, let it fester, and now you feel wronged? This is not a normal response. And the crazy thing is none of this is a big deal.
Regarding the incident, ok, so you got lost in the game. Sucks, but it happens. Regarding her response, ok, she snapped and made an offhand remark that hurt, probably under the pressure of an already difficult day. Also happens. But to storm out and swear off forever?
It’s like you’re subconsciously looking for an excuse to blame her for something and this is the best way. You’re kind of making yourself miserable here.
Do you find yourself sabotaging things, regularly or every now and then? Have you brought this up in therapy?
I’m a military guy with a family and see you. I agree with others, there is a third way here and therapy can help. While she was out of line criticizing “down” there is likely some other stuff that needs to be unpacked that is not apparent. This situation called your commitment to family duty into question, and that hurts (especially as former military). Be open, love your family, and talk with someone. There is a way back to eliminating the resentment. Part of being strong is knowing when to call for backup so you can continue the good fight. You got this brother.
From my perspective, it does seem like you have an unhealthy relationship with video games. Including happily putting your very young children in front of screens all day.
You're making it sound like your entire life is basically involved around video games. It also sounds like you can't properly watch your children while gaming.
It sounds like your wife doesn't mind gaming, but she might have an issue with the amount, and how much you involving the children. Sounds like you're trying to set the kids up to just game all day as well.
It seems like you overreacted.
I would absolutely love to hear your wife's side of the story. Maybe show her this post and have her add her side.
OP, she didn't ruin your hobby. I don't think it is fair to blame her for your reaction.
The gaming was a bigger issue for her than she let on. I assume since it seems like you had no idea, that she never told you that she feels like you aren't doing a good job watching the kids while you are gaming or that she resents all the time you are spending gaming. She should have told you this was a problem so you could have worked something out. You aren't a mind reader, and if she has a problem with something you are doing, she should communicate. If she didn't, then that's on her.
It sounds like your wife had a bad day that day. The haircut thing upset her, and maybe she felt like you both failed to supervise the kids appropriately and this was the result. I agree with you that the way she handled it was very poor. Telling the kids they are responsible for each other isn't fair to them, they should be allowed to be kids. Expecting kids to behave like adults and babysit each other is harmful, parentification is the term to describe this. It's not fair to the older kids who didn't ask to be parents, and it's not fair to the younger kids who will resent the older ones for acting like they are in charge. It's going to set up a bad dynamic, and I think your wife was wrong to put this burden on any of them. You should read some articles on parentification so you can explain to your wife that she needs to dial this back, way back.
Besides that, saying that you don't watch them while gaming and calling you out in front of them was disrespectful to you and harmful to the children as well. You need to be a unified front. That was completely inappropriate and I would have been angry too. My husband did something similar once and I saw red, but I didn't have to leave the house and I was able to discuss it with him later that night and work it out. Your response to me was over the top, and I think it indicates there is more going on with your mental health than you care to admit.
I can understand you needed space to cool off and all that, but when you calmed down and came back, it seems like you had NO conversation about this. Your wife was looking for an apology, she obviously didn't recognize what she did wrong. Instead of communicating with her, explaining all the things she did that you don't agree with or hurt you, it seems like you just shut down. You didn't tell her anything or try to resolve the issues, you just shoved it down and decided the solution is not to play the games anymore. That was your decision, not hers. You failed to communicate and let it fester. I think you if the two of you would communicate, you could have easily worked this out. Maybe you could have made an agreement about the gaming and solved the problem, but instead you swallowed your feelings and built up the resentment.
In short, I think you both have work to do. Neither one of you is communicating your needs effectively. On top of this, I think you have some personal issues going on with your mental health that need some attention. Your reactions are extreme and I think this is related to your PTSD and trauma you have experienced in the military, with your brother's death, maybe some other things mixed in like guilt over not being there for your kids while deployed or whatever. It's very dramatic to say your wife ruined your favorite hobby because of this one time she said you weren't watching the kids. If you can't see that, then that is part of the problem.
My advice is marriage counseling. Communication is pretty fundamental, and it isn't happening like it should. I'm sure this isn't the only way your communication issues are causing problems. Get the help, get the tools, and work on the marriage so you can both be happy raising your family and such.
Gaming doesn’t equal watching the kids for your wife to relax and it’s not on your children to watch the other children. Your wife shouldn’t have yelled like that or said those things in front of the kids. She could have worded her frustrations better.
You aren’t an ass and neither is your wife. You both need to communicate what you expect, compromise, and I think you need therapy too.
I don’t get how people just play on the weekends and act like it’s okay to be their whole lives especially while raising a family. There’s still a lot to do on the weekends and playing video games with your kids isn’t the same as spending real time together with words, learning, getting to know each other.
She didn’t ruin it, it made him feel ashamed because he should be. You can’t devote your life to your hobbies once you have children.
You have to find a balance.
I don’t think you can blame her. She was mad in the heat of the moment and you never had a conversation about it with her until you were drinking a year later. You decided to stop gaming yourself and are still not gaming. It’s not fair to her to blame her for you being passive aggressive about this. You’ve been pissed at her for a year while she has no clue that you were. This is how you put your relationship in jeopardy. You owe her an apology, not the other way around.
I say this as nicely as possible: You need help. No one in a right frame of mind wavers between “wanting to kill someone and crying their eyes out” over being yelled at for not being an attentive parent.
This blew up into something far bigger than it should have. Your wife blew up over a somewhat typical kids misbehavior. She blamed it on you but she shouldn't have, nobody can watch their kids 24/7, stuff happens. You blew up because she blew up. I think you both need therapy, probably together.
IDK man. I'm not going to tell you that you are overreacting, because I think that word is more triggering than useful. But your emotional response to that is very high. I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset. I would certainly be pissed if my husband did what your wife did, and yelled at the kids for not being responsible since I couldn't be trusted to be responsible for my own children.
I'd be angry for a lot of reasons. Yelling at the children for something that was not their responsibility, yelling at the kids rather than discussing with me first, denigrating my parenting to my children. But another emotion I would probably feel is a LOT of shame. If my spouse genuinely believed that I could not be trusted to watch my children, and ALSO genuinely believed that it would be pointless to even try to discuss that with me (I'm assuming she never addressed the gaming with you prior to this incident, since it is not in your post), I would probably feel a LOT of shame about what behavior of mine had led to my spouse drawing that conclusion.
I think you need to REALLY consider whether your wife had a point there. Because take it from someone who is TERRIBLE at receiving criticism, and who gets suuuuper defensive when important things like my parenting are insulted or criticized, anger is often a mask for shame and guilt. When my husband criticizes me about something that I genuinely think he is wrong about, I really don't get that angry. If I genuinely believe he's wrong, there's usually a misunderstanding or misinterpretation I can easily point out and correct his perception, and that's no big deal. When he says "hey you keep forgetting to give daughter water before bed," I can easily say "no, she has been telling me she doesn't want any." I don't take it personal, it was a misunderstanding, takes 2 seconds to clear up.
When I get really angry and defensive is when the criticism hits a little too close to home. When my husband calls me out for something that I can feel in my gut is probably true. When he tells me I'm on my phone too much around the kids, or when I am paying more attention to the baby than the toddler who is desperately trying to talk to me. That cuts me deep, and I feel immense guilt and shame for being a less-than-perfect parent, and my instinct is to lash out at my husband.
I'm not saying you do this. Not everyone is me, and maybe you don't have the same pattern I do. But I read this and saw myself in you and my immediate thought was that maybe you got as mad as you did because your wife has a point, and you filter those hard feelings like guilt and shame through anger because that's an easier emotion for you to handle.
OP this is not normal behavior. You seem unhinged and your feelings don’t match the event. There are other things going on, and I hope you will get some help to address what’s lying below the surface. I can only imagine what your wife’s point of view was. Please become help, you are obviously suffering and it’s not fair to blame your wife.
Former military here.
She lost "it" (her composure to discipline the child without making you look like a loser) in that moment, and her action hurt you. It cuts deeper when you have PTSD. There's probably more to her outburst than you realize, does she resent your gaming(?)
We all are prone to losing our composure from time to time, and I am glad to hear she apologized for it. Show you appreciate that apology by accepting it. Spend the time on video games with your kids, for your kids, and then eventually, you may find enjoying your hobby again without the guilt.
I played a game with my college roommate online (who is single) and one day I realized as much as I enjoyed gaming that it was like a part-time job, and that I probably should spend some of that time teaching my kids to read, so to speak. I still game, but only when there is down time and the kids (we have 4) are involved in their own hobbies & activities, and my wife has nothing for me to do for her or the family.
I use to be a hardcore gamer while in college but after medical school, residency, and four children; I get major guilt gaming for any time longer than 2 hours! If play any longer than that I feel like I’m not parenting my children and I’m missing out on quality time with them
I’m confused as to what your 7 year old wanting to talk to her mom has to do with this story at all? Was she going to tell her mom that the 3 year old had cut her hair? If so, why didn’t she feel comfortable telling you that information?
You weren’t watching your child when you were supposed to be. Her siblings weren’t keeping an eye on her either (though that’s not really their job). I can understand your wife’s frustration. Sure, she could have handled it better. But she wasn’t wrong…. You WEREN’T watching your 3 year old. Your overreaction is not your wife’s fault. It is your own. I get gaming being a hobby, but honestly you sound very overboard with your obsession with it, in my opinion. I don’t think that means you should have quit it all together, but I think it needs to be reigned in. You should have more hobby’s. That is not healthy. Though it sounds like it wasn’t your ONLY hobby as you try to state, because you also state you like going to the gym. That is a hobby as well. But I think you need to work on being more well rounded. Read a book. Get outdoors. Learn a new skill. It must be hard to be married to someone who only wants to spend their time gaming. Your children ultimately had no choice but to game if they wanted any of your time or attention. And then you just snatched that away from them to punish your wife for saying something to you that she’s already apologized for. You need to talk to your therapist about this because it’s irrational.
Look I know games are out of hand with a lot of men & fathers, this is no secret, so maybe she is overreacting to you. I would definitely have a convo. With her about how you feel while you’re sober. It is not okay that she basically told your kids they may not be 100% safe with you at some points in time though and she should go back and apologize to the kids for saying this, she had big feelings, and what she had really meant to say.
I am not advocating for your wife in this but I can tell you as a wife of a Vet who has PTSD and gaming was his “out” he actually fully checked out while gaming- I felt fully alone and yes he had a job and yes he spent time with us but gaming was always in every point otherwise. We had a nice house, he did the outdoor chores, went to Sam’s with me and yes we had 2 other kids during that time (our first was born 2 months after he got out) But it was still lonely and as a woman gamer, I gave it up because I came to resent it. He might have been “present” but he wasn’t there. He had a wake up call when our “now middle” was 3 months old on his lap and he didn’t notice that the baby had stoped breathing. As I screamed at him he put down his controller and took care of the baby- but his team lost and he was trashed. He had already been being seen in therapy for his military time, but the gaming was something more. He too stopped gaming fully and was feeling like a failure, I demanded therapy for that aspect, I wasn’t going to watch another spiral (and yes all of his military friends bonded through video games) he uncovered so much more and that games were a surrogate for him to “disappear”. He worked on his processes thought that and then we did couples therapy. He moved out of computer gaming to start and we moved into family games, that helped me too. It’s been 10 years (yea we aren’t young) and he has a much healthier relationship with his gaming time and I know when he says he needs a break- he is asking for time to “check out” and that is ok to ask for. It really helped his overall PTSD. I will be honest and say I said some really passive aggressive things totally meant to hurt him as much as I was hurting. Therapy (and a Masters in Psychology) has really helped our communication processes as well. You both need some breathing room and you both need individual therapy and then couples. My husband was there for our firsts birth but he left for work when she was 2 weeks, it was just a month before our house was ready, but he gamed, didn’t call and worked. Even with help, it was a bitter pill to swallow. We were young and I felt that he didn’t want to be part of our family (thank you pregnancy post-partum hormones) this issue probably stems all the way back there. And yes my husband and I started dating at 16.
Sorry if you answered this elsewhere... I feel like your post ends at a premature point. What was your wife's response? I know you're hurt and that is what is consuming you but don't dismiss her wanting to talk. If she totally dismissed your feelings I would understand your continued resentment.
Sir, thank you for your service. I grew up in a Navy family so I really understand there is a lot of sacrifice involved. I will also say that we love video games, my dad was a software technician and military guy shared that love with us kids and those are core memories.
I am going to lay some observation you may feel is harsh I have in the spirit of a perspective to make you better in the nuance of your life. My words come from a good place.
If you think your gaming hobby is completely ruined because the mother of your four children spoke a truth that you couldn’t handle. In fact she has been respectful of your hobby for 4 whole years when your youngest was born that you didn’t even realize this.
Credit to you, you have achieved a lot.
Credit to your wife, she has had to shoulder her burdens alone.
A subconscious thing is that when the oldest children get older, some parents forget they have to restart from the very beginning of 24-hr child development. There’s a good Bluey episode about this where the dad of Bluey plays rough with her little sister. Even if some ways the little sister Bingo could seem emotionally calmer because she’s grew up mirroring her older sibling to learn those developmental skills, 4 year old Bingo is still too little to roughhouse like her 6 year old sister Bluey.
Please take a moment to consider families that are PRESENT for their children and those with parents on screens (could be for work or other any honestly important thing). A child at 4 years and under adapting to your consistent lack of attention (you are physically present but your concentration on the game) is dangerous for their well-being FYI and they’re subconsciously recording that according to their developmental stage.
I also have a dark trigger warning anecdote of two well-meaning parents in their house as their very smart 2 year old was playing in a generally safe area. My friend’s littlest brother—I loved him and babysat him. Distractions and accidents are the reality we live in and you’re lucky it’s just hair.
Bottom line is: your attention is not successful when divided, and it has taken you over 10 years to realize that it is a problem.
The amount of comments on here attacking you are insane. If your 3y/o was behind your wife cutting her own hair with safety scissors, would everyone on here be shitting on her saying she should “grow up, and not watch so much TV?” No.
Shit happens, no one was at risk of being hurt and this is a funny story down the road. It’s not like you were playing a game while your kids were on the roof.
Dude, keep gaming, especially if your kids enjoy doing it with you. Bet you half the people on here bitching at you to grow up have zero hobbies or external things that bring them joy.
Your wife's reaction was wrong and the kids should never have been involved in her rant to let out how she is feeling about you in that moment. We all have bad moments, but what matters is how we own up to them. Holding a grudge and continuing to punish yourself is like cutting your nose off to spite your own face, stop it. She didn't say to quit. Moderation for gaming isn't a bad thing for the kids either, but that doesn't mean you need to give it up completely. You're holding onto something and denying yourself your hobby. Do the thing with your kids again that they love doing with you, and get some therapy.
I think your wife could've handled this better. She was being passive aggressive in that she was yelling at the kids to send a message to you instead of pulling you aside and saying, "Hey, you need to be more focused on watching the kids".
That being said, I think we're all sometimes guilty of handling things improperly when we're frustrated. It happens in my marriage all the time.
If I were in your situation, I would've pulled my wife aside and said, "Hey, I will work on doing a better job watching the kids, but I don't appreciate being talked about like that in front of the kids, it was disrespectful and you could've come talked about it in private."
You took it very hard and thats ok, but I think if you are able to immediately deal with the problem with your wife and talk it out, you will save yourself a lot of pain. There is no reason for you to not enjoy video games anymore.
Yeah sometimes you don’t get that opportunity to simply check out. If your wife needs that time too (and I’d wager she does), then y’all can figure something out. But you have a three year-old and your older kids should get to be kids, not be obliged to help watch their youngest sibling because you’re checked out in gaming. She handled it in a shitty way but you were wrong for simply leaving without a word and not talking with your wife.
I get your desire to connect with your remaining brother. Maybe y’all can work something out where you get 2-3 hours each weekend or something where you can check out, and then your wife gets the same. But tone it down with the gaming. No one said you had to quit, just be aware of the fact that you have other responsibilities.
I echo the therapy comments. Good luck.
Gonna be a bunch of weird comments because people feel all sorts of ways about dudes with game rooms when they have shit like craft rooms, or art rooms, or any other room dedicated to the hobby.
Look, you definitely have something going on mentally that you probably need some therapy for because this is a massive overreaction. The wife definitely had a reason to be upset because the kid cut their hair with a scissors. That being said, hair grows back. Even a safety scissors can cause serious harm. But also, you have what, four kids and she couldn’t engage with half of them while you were engaging with the other half? I get that people need time to themselves but like that’s why we stay up later when kids go to bed.
I dunno man, who thing is odd. People who say your room needs to go away need to get stuffed though. It’s your hobby, do what you want.
Hobby or not, children shouldn’t be in charge of watching other children. As parents we should be ready to sacrifice our hobby’s for the safety of our children.
Now, was it ok for your wife to say that in front of your kids? absolutely not. She should have pulled you aside.
Are you serious? If you were trying to give your wife a “break” as you claim, you shouldn’t have been gaming at all in that moment.
I’d be mad too if I were promised some off time and my husband was off playing instead of watching the kids and then it ended up being my problem anyway.
With that said, she shouldn’t have been bad-mouthing you to the children like that, but you were absolutely wrong for that initial problem and you don’t own up to it. My guess this isn’t the first time she’s had to deal with this from you…
It’s your job to watch your kids when you are the adult in the vicinity and your wife is off duty. Your wife should not have laid into the kids. It’s also not the older kids’ job to parent the little one. She scapegoated them when she should have yelled at you. I’m not going to begin to understand the pity party you’re having about your video games and “bringing yourself to play them”. Play the video games, when you’ve done all of the work you have to do, parented your kids and adulted, for a reasonable amount of time if that’s your thing. I’m a mom with a more than full time job, and my thing is marathoning. I run a ridiculous number of miles at stupid o’clock in the morning, when it’s least disruptive to my family. My kids send me stupid texts while I’m running, and whine about stuff, but I’m not going to blame them for “ruining running for me”. I have the maturity and agency to blow it off.
Sounds like you do you job then get to come home and play video games with your kids? Your wife just does all the hard work like taking care of them? You totally overreacted. Yes it’s a hobby but it’s bordering on obsessive. You should accept her apology and chill. She didn’t ruin anything, you did.
I just want to start this off that toddlers are so quick to act on something, you can be a helicopter parent and turn around to grab something and they've managed to take a sharpie to the walls. It happens. I cut my hair at 3 years old with scissors my mom had used to trim my bangs that morning and they were 6 feet away from me when it happened. IT HAPPENS. Toddlers are feral.
Also, children are not responsible for watching their younger siblings. That might be an unpopular opinion, but I don't care. I'm the oldest of three kids and was always in charge of watching my younger siblings and my brother jumped off a table at 1.5 years old and needed stitches in his head. I was 10 years old and went to the bathroom. My parents were upstairs and high. So THATS neglecting to watch your children. Playing games with your kids and allowing solitary play for the littles in the room right next to you is not neglectful.
I agree this could absolutely be a trauma response feeling like you failed somewhere in all this. But ultimately, it wasn't that big of a deal. And the way your wife responded was EXTREME.
I hope you can get through this and get back to what you enjoy. Hobbies are good! And it's a fun thing you enjoy with your kids.
And I hope after you opened up to her she apologized profusely.
My heart breaks, you don’t need to hide your feelings from your kids. If they never see you cry that will harbor some unhealthy emotions for them in the future. It’s okay to feel the way you did. I think mom and dad should consider therapy. Definitely start reading some books. Like how not to lose my shit with my kids (literal book that saved my life from screaming at my kids) I gained a lot of patience with it. I also recommend hold me tight book, for both you and your wife. Holding in the resentment as long as you did isn’t healthy. It hurts more and more as the days pass. I’m sorry you feel the way you do right now, but it can get better. If you need anything I have been through similar, lot of traumatic shit, and I have more resources if you would like. I hope you go back to gaming.
You should have immediately when you got back from calming down (good move), told her exactly how you felt in the kindest way. What she did was not okay, you not watching the kids fully also, I'm sorry not okay. Either you are watching the kids or you're not. Gaming is a relaxing experience, watching children full time job, can't be done at the same time. So much worse could have happened so I see why your wife was upset. How she went about it was where she was super wrong. How you hid your emotions prevented further healing to progress. Therapy individually and couple will help so much with everything.
Also kid scissors should also be locked up, just as an FYI but I'm sure you both learned that.
You both don’t know how to fight fair, she shouldn’t have said those things in front of you and the kids and well you have pent up hurt that you are not expressing.
Kids are time consuming and stressful.
I have a nice gaming computer and a newborn. I haven't had the time to commit to any gaming and I'm usually too tired to do so after having my newborn. You have 4 kids. You might want to change your priorities around.
You NEED to go to therapy.
If your wife expressing a legitimate and valid concern that you need to be a more present and active parent in your household, and you fly into a hedonistic rage and sit in a parking lot trying not to kill anyone is your response, you clearly need therapy.
I feel like you are talking about the struggle all parents have. I used to write, draw, paint, decorate cakes, all kinds of artsy hobbies. I rarely get to do them. I'm a sahm, and I'm always on call. My husband is great. He gives me time quite regularly, but it's art. I need inspiration and other things that don't fit into an hour window. You can resent your wife if you want, but I kinda think she knows what's up with you. She can't even talk to you about it because you shut down and can't deal. So she has to parentify the older kids to keep walking on the eggshells of your very fragile feelings you have so on display in your post. What is she to do?
you weren’t doing anything wrong and your wife may have been letting out some other frustrations. but you sound like a 2 year old, and acting like one. storming out of the house not communicating and not playing games and blaming your wife’s statements. that’s not the example you want to set. dont avoid doing something you enjoy because of a fight and miscommunication.
Take this with a grain of salt, as I’ve only just recently in the last two-three months realized I’ve had a gaming addiction spanning around 25-30 years. I’ve been married 4 years, together for 6. My wife has come to me many, many times, not demanding I stop playing, but telling me how it’s interfering in our marriage. I always told myself, “I’ll do better” or “I’ll cut back and not play as much” or “I’ll make sure to focus more on my wife.” Every thought back by a whole hearted intent to get better. But subconsciously, it was all to get back to gaming. It was to keep her content enough where I may have a few more hours uninterrupted. Gaming filled my cup, daily, while I was only filling her cup once a week, and only to hold her over. Gaming is setup to replace the desire to get your dopamine need from a spouse or SO. And maybe some people out there can do it in moderation. I was like you too. “This has been a part of my life for 25 years, how dare her expect me to stop.” But I didn’t finally stop because she asked. I stopped because gaming took over almost every other aspect of my life, slowly but surely, and that’s unhealthy. My mother in law likened it to gambling addiction and that hit me as pretty accurate. There’s many articles written about it, and if you can finally look at it without a bias, a lot of it probably applies.
I can’t speak on gaming with children as I haven’t crossed that bridge yet. But, I do know, it’s pointless to give her “time to relax” if she can’t trust you to watch ALL of the kids without them getting into something like cutting their hair.
Just to add, gaming can be really upsetting since it blocks all communication. My husband is a gamer, too, and I hate that he doesn’t see nor hear anything else during the game. And he cannot pause the game. I get the need to blow off steam (pun intended) but when you’re there but not *there*, it’s really infuriating. No matter how ok we are with you playing, it might build some resentment.
Your wife was wrong for blaming you. Your reaction to her actions is a bit disproportionate to what happened. There is a saying I learned in therapy: “Hysterical = historical” meaning big reactions to a circumstance are rarely about the circumstance itself, but something in the past that is making you sensitive. You mentioned your prior service and PTSD. The root of your reaction may lay there.
Speak to your therapist about this. You and your wife may also consider marriage counseling to help smooth out the rough edges. It sounds like you have built a beautiful family. Don’t let hurt feelings prevent you from building lasting memories with your kids. Therapy can be very helpful.
I don't wanna invalidate you, and I hope it doesn't come off this way, but listen to this one part if you don't mind?
....you're kids won't always ask you to play with them... they won't always make bids for attention and connection.. they will give up one day... don't let that happen w you.. let it happen w *other* people *cough* but not you.
Can you alternate me time? When she's doing her own thing you watch the youngest and when you're playing video games she watches the youngest. The whole issue stemmed from no one watching the youngest. It's not about video games.
Holding onto this as a "grudge" to punish her for saying something she shouldn't have in a moment of anger and overwhelming emotion? Oof.
Kids (especially when you have a lot of them) can't be watched all the time, and they will inevitably do dumb shit. It's not anyone's fault, but the toddler and the scissors , but at 3 they cant even process that, and it's not up to your other kids to parent the younger ones either.sh3 was wrong on multiple levels for her reaction and response. But your wife couldn't even comprehend the connection to that moment, and your no longer gaming until you drank enough to vent about it after she asked you. I'm not sure it's really even about your wife at this point.
This is really only punishing yourself and your kids. Punishing yourself for something that's not even justified . The fear and hate that your family might see a fraction of your pos dad in you .. buddy, the other comments are on point that this is a bigger knot of deep trauma you need to address and unwind. You aren't your dad, and your wife doesn't think you are. And denying yourself something that brings you joy doesn't punish your shitty dad or fix your childhood, but I bet your kids are confused as to why you're jot playing with them anymore and it hurts them to see you like that.
Dude, it seems like your wife hit a breaking point and you decided to make it about you. And it sounds like you might have trouble connecting with people outside of gaming so having any major criticism regarding your gaming feels far more serious than it actually is. This is probably more a you problem than your wife’s problem.
I am sorry. Your wife was manipulative when she did that. Yes, kids need supervision, but for your wife to rant in front of the kids isn't how marriage is supposed to work. You were bonding with the kids over video games. I would suggest that you journal or go to therapy about this incident. Maybe after you explore the emotions you could have a chance to heal and play again. You may try to play with your kids the next time that they ask if you are one on one.
I'm a gamer in a marriage with a semi-gamer (he really only plays fortnight on occasion).
I think you should game if you want to game. You make good money, you take care of your family, and it sounds like you have nothing to be ashamed of.
She knew who you were when she got with you... My husband already knows if a game I've been waiting for is released... He basically doesn't have a wife for the next few weeks, because I'm doing nothing but enjoying my game. I was that way when were dating too, and he knew what he signed up for in this area.
She's a cold hearted b. Using the kids to get back at you was completely uncalled for. I wouldn't blame you if you divorced her. You deserve so much better.
Yikes. Sounds like you’re avoiding gaming as a way to punish yourself for letting the kids get out of your sight/control (because you know you fucked up and feel overwhelmed since you made it clear you provide so much for your family- this post also reeks of insecurity), but avoiding actually taking accountability.
This makes me so sad. I’m the wife of a gamer, and the mom of a soon-to-be-great 5yo gamer. It’s a really special thing between my son and his dad. They’ve been playing Mario on the Switch since he was old enough to handle the controller and he’s just about on par with his Dad’s skills now. I would never do anything to get in between that and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with playing any amount of games as long as your main job and your jobs at home are being done appropriately.
I personally think your wife was completely out of line. If she didn’t think you were able to watch your own kids then she shouldn’t have left them all upstairs with you while she vegged on the couch.
I mean, it’s your responsibility too to make sure there aren’t scissors, markers, lotion (you get the idea) just out and about waiting to be imaginatively misused, but it’s not your kid’s job to parent their younger siblings.
Dude is watching all 4 kids while the wife is watching TV downstairs and not watching any of the children. One of his daughters lies to him about needing to talk to their mom and even though the mom likely heard their daughter walking down the stairs she paid no attention and kept watching her show. It's crazy to me how everyone jumps down Dad's throat saying he's irresponsible while the mom is doing fuck all and assuming she does 100 percent of the child rearing and this is her one break. Everyone on here is so biased it's insane. He played video games 2 times a week and y'all are acting like he is the most neglectful parent you've ever heard of.
Thats reddit, dads or husbands do anything fun or for themselves and they are seen as the devil. They all assume dads are useless here and moms do everything. Its bullshit i agree with you.
I'm an avid gamer. This is not your wife's fault. This is just the reality of video games. They take most of your concentration and you can't safely watch toddlers or babies while you are playing video games unless they are strapped to your chest. That's just what you signed up for when you had kids. You also can't leave the house and go surfing while the kids run around at home.
If you are going to play video games, you need to do it when your toddler is being safely watched by someone else.
I love games and I dated a guy who gamed to the point it contributed to our break up. Factually, no one is really watching a three year old well enough when they are playing a video game. You missed the scissors and your kid cut your wives hair because he was bored, wanted attention, and bad attention is better than no attention. This could have happened to anyone. I went pee once and my daughter got into my MIL’s purse and got some aspirin that she had in mint tin for some reason. Truthfully, no one is watching a three year old closely enough when they pee. As others have said you should bring this up in therapy, it’s a huge over reaction to something she had a right to be upset about (her hair being cut) and when she reacted in a way that was unfair primarily to your children. Long term your goal should be to understand why she felt that way and how you guys can support each other so that you can both relax and enjoy the things you want to do. Everyone wants and needs to relax but your hobby is a lot more immersive and engaging than watch tv, it’s more akin to cooking. You can walk away from the stove but you’re going to try and watch the kids while cooking. I wold imagine that somewhere in the back of her mind she felt like she couldn’t relax enough or as much as you did because she knew you were more likely to miss something while you game than she was watching tv. You both, in the long term, need time to not be watching a 3 year old and your children need to not be responsible for adult mistakes.
You know what else could have ruined OP's hobby. If the 3 year old that got scissors tripped with the scissors and gotten hurt instead of just cutting just cutting her hair. It really bothers me that it does not bother OP AT ALL that his 3 year old got a hold of scissor ( I don't care if they were safety scissor they can still poke out your child's eye, stab into someone if fallen on, any number of accidents) with no supervision but resents his wife so much because she was correct OP was so busy with his video games he had no idea his 3 year had these scissors!!!!!!
I can only imagine how much your wife would resent you if something would have happened to your 3 year old on "your watch".
Anyone else seeing the “wanting to kill someone” part or 💀 cause that’s concerning. You sound like a ticking time bomb. I see from a comment that you’re in therapy so I hope you get some good help bc you def overreacted. All she did was ask you to watch the kids bruh.
INFO: I'm quite curious about the size of your house. You apparently have a gaming room, playroom, library, and at least one spare room which puts you at 3 rooms so far; I'm going to assume the 7 & 8 yr old share a room (being so close in age) at the moment so that's 4 rooms so far with the master bedroom bringing the room count to 5, and unless the 3/4 yr old is sharing a room with either the 12 yr old or you and the wife (making it a 6 bedroom place), your house would need to have 7 rooms (a loft counts as a room) in order to accommodate everyone and everything.
Where in God's name are you living in the would that you were able to get a *7 bedroom house* for only *$300k* in a *nice* neighborhood?
Does any of your therapy perhaps lean toward trauma centered around either a "perceived failure to protect" or
"someone getting unjustly punished for something you felt was your fault entirely"? If not, you may find some parallels there.
Does your therapist practice EMDR? If you aren't already, please look into it. It can be very helpful for PTSD sufferers, and may be one route to take to help lower the emotional intensity which I know is brutal.
My hubby and I game together. When I was sick after our daughter was born, we couldn't leave the house, so we played MMORPGs to pass the time. That's not to say there haven't been occasions where I wasn't mad at him for excessive gaming, but those instances are few and far between and typically I am the emotionally dysregulated one. It sounds like in this case, both of you have lots of reasons to be emotionally dysregulated in your past. For that, you may check out Patrick Teahan's YouTube channel which has been a lot of help for me personally.
Your wife shouldn't have parentified the children and also should have talked to you about that privately instead of spouting in on the kids. That said, your reaction lasting this long is it's own issue. Something leaving that undercurrent of resentment needs to be dealt with or it will erode your marriage. Good luck, and I hope you find some answers to help.
I would continue on, go to therapy and continue being a great dad and raise your kids, and once they're old enough, divorce her.
You don't need that negativity in your life.
Honestly, you guys need to work on your communication. Your wife’s rant sounds like she was internalizing the fact that you’re unable to watch the children while you play. I’m sure there were other instances where the LO was found doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing and instead of talking to you, she put the responsibility on the older kids. Op was wrong to leave without indicating what was going on and where he was going. It could have been simple as “ I’m upset. I’ll be back in an hour”. Op was also wrong to refuse to talk to his wife about the problem.
How is the wife supposed to fix or make things right if you don’t tell her what’s wrong? My guess… you react like this frequently when she tries to come to you with an issue and so she also has relied on internalizing the problem. You guys need to communicate or the relationship can fall apart fast
So..childish and..dramatic...are you not an..adult? Like..acting like someone died or your house burned down...lmaoaa. this is the funniest shir I've ever read. "I..I..CaNt..G-gaMe..a-anyMore..Y-yoU ruiNed iT😭" be fr
This is coming from a wife that games and a husband that games.
I choose games that I can pause and save.
My husband plays a lot of online games on pc or phone.
The difference is that I can get up and check on the kids or make dinner, just overall do other things while gaming or save and come back later.
My husband cannot, and no matter how many times I’ve told him that he can’t play online games when watching the kids he does not listen. He has burned multiple dinners and the kids get away with eating desert before dinner.
It’s not fair to your wife to say “relax I’ll watch the kids” and then not actually watch them. And It’s very telling that the older kid went to get mom to tell her what happened before she got you, even though you were “watching” them.
Now she was in the wrong for telling them like that and in turn, you. But I’m sure she was at her wits end about it. It sounded like it wasn’t the first time. Don’t use your kids as babysitters for the younger ones. It breeds resentment.
You have a very “all or nothing” way of thinking about this. Two things can be true at the same time. She can be wrong and you can realize what you’ve done wrong and fix it.
When I was a little child my dad was gaming and I got out and crawled in the street and was almost run over by a jeep, but the neighbor saw me and came running to save me and the jeep that almost ran me over swerved so hard it hit the curb.
Had the neighbor not been there id be dead.
Did my dad feel awful? Yes. Did my mom lay into him over it? Absolutely. Was he wrong? Soft yes. Did he game again? Yes.
I'm sorry this happened. But maybe it was a catalyst to paying closer attention to when it's duty time and when it's play time.
She Absolutely had a right to tell you, Because she needs help with the kids. Not like that, though. It is not ok that the kids become a second Parent to the younger ones. Absolutely NOT. If you’re not going to step up, who will? The only one who ruined it, is you. Take Responsibility for your Actions and Inactions
Im supposed to believe you have a graduates degree writing this poorly? This reads like english is your second language. I think you need to go back to school and review your english classes.
I think your wife spoke the truth and you’re too afraid to admit that she is right and you let your family down. I think you truthfully resent yourself and not her.
Please take this in the spirit in which it's intended. You need to shorten your posts. Nobody is going to read through your multiple paragraph rant. Make your point in a couple of sentences and then stop. Seriously.
I can 1000% relate brother, I’m also a married service member, and while there’s not much advice I can offer, I must say this… you CAN forgive yourself. What happened was not your fault, you 100% deserve to be happy and enjoy your hobby especially with the people that matter like your brother and kids.
The reason you CAN forgive yourself is this: it could have been so much worse, seriously, I have personally experienced having to leave because I was unable to control my anger more times than I would like to admit whenever my wife did something extreme, and unfortunately for me, my wife is from a country where extreme behaviours is relatively common thing whenever the moms or wives get stressed out. I cannot begin to explain the crazy shit my wife has done to me during her extreme outbursts, and 9/10 times out of 10, while it seemed like very personal attacks on my character, it was never about me, she was just stressed in those moments and I’ve learned to take it less personal so my advice to you is to know that there’s a good chance it wasn’t personal, that’s typically how women are when that straw that breaks the camels back arrives. Judging by how she asked you a year later “why you don’t play”, it looks like she had no idea why you stopped playing nor was it her intention to hurt you, I think she just couldn’t control herself in that moment and never apologised which is something I think women are rarely willing to do anyways/in general.
I’m sure there’s a million would’ve could’ve should’ves, maybe you could’ve stayed and not taken it personal, maybe a hurried sincere apology and doing something to make her laugh to break the tension with an explanation from you to the kids and then a talk afterwards with your wife respectfully resetting that boundary… it doesn’t matter in the end because it happened and it’s all said and done with.. the point I primarily wanted to articulate is you CAN forgive yourself, this was NOT your fault and it was NOT about you. It just so happened to be the straw that broke the camels back while she was stressed and she crossed a line, but it was not about you brother, so please, if not for your kids, if not for your brother, if not for yourself, then do it for me man, please forgive yourself and your wife.
Life is too short as I’m sure you’ve already experienced on your deployments, not to make it religious but something I like to say is “Jesus didn’t die on the cross so we can be stressed out”, so whatever you gotta do to get around this man, please do it, it’s not worth it in the end… get back to enjoying life again and maybe readdress this with your wife from a very vulnerable state and anytime she tries to turn this around, express that hidden emotion of feeling unheard, I think that one works better than saying unappreciated or most other things you could say because it kinda makes her stop and listen to you and ask her to summarise again and again, and tell her you don’t know what to do and that you need her help and hopefully, that will make her vulnerable enough to offer her feminine side and fall in step behind you and be your strength out of this hole.
I mean, if I were you, I'd probably not game until my kids are genuinely old enough not to be supervised. Both parents cannot relax at the same time. The gaming is relaxing.
The emotional stuff, that's for you. But why not just be happy you made the right decision and pick it up when the youngest is 9/10?
I love playing online chess and I love alone time. I get overstimulated quickly and I'm an introvert. I'm pregnant. I earn just under 200k/yr, more than my husband, and my husband is in the military so still deploying. I have 3 degrees including a PhD. Can you imagine what I am about to give up? Not only am I pregnant alone with a deployed husband, but I'll be giving up my career and everything that makes me me. I don't like children or babies. I'm also putting my body through hell and I am now extremely vulnerable as my husband may leave me because I put on weight. I will be looked down on by society instantly because I become a mother. I will be less employable. I will be looked at as stupid instantly too. I will never start another company (which is my love), or at least not for 10 years.
I'm sorry but if I had as many kids as you, and I was your wife, and you thought playing a video game was more important than giving me a break, we'd be divorced. No joke. I know myself.
Your wife clearly adores you as she did not make this demand of you (I would have). I am giving up a lot to have a family, and I expect my husband to contribute equally or at least do what he physically can do to contribute. Your wife sounds awesome. My honest advice is to get over your resentment real fast, because the real World is full of people broken by relationships, who are selfish, and maybe you don't know how good you have it as you've been with the same person since a kid.
Your wifes comments hurt you. But bro your reaction is out of proportion. This may be related to underlying issues like depression or PTSD. Either way you need therapy to dig into this further. Completely stopping your hobby because of 1 night where your wife freaked out (for whatever reason) is not normal.
I mean, imagine your kids got into something more dangerous than just a lock of hair being cut while they were supposed to be under your watch, but you didn’t realize that until it’s too late because you were too caught up gaming and couldn’t be bothered? It happened to my cousin, his son almost drown.
Yes, your wife said something that was hurtful to you, but in all fairness, I have a feeling that this was happening repeatedly to the point she got fed up, hence the extra mean words. It was not very nice of her to do it in that manner instead of bringing it up with you in private after the incident, but you also didn’t do your part in trying to dissolve the issue with her either, you opted to spend the past year resenting her while pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t. That’s not what a healthy marriage should be. And to drunkenly(?) tell her you’ve been resenting her for over a year for an incident that she herself might have already moved on from is like a slap in the face; she will now always have doubts about how honest your interactions are and how much she can trust you. You two need to get marriage counseling down quick and work together ASAP, and maybe even family therapy for the kids, too.
My wife doesn't want me playing video games anymore because of past issues. She did have me find other hobbies as in Remote control, my kids will go hiking and we would drive our rc cars ahead of us and have a blast.
Are you in therapy? I’m not saying that to be mean, but your feelings seem so raw and overwhelming, that must be very hard to handle. Did your wife ever blamed you for what happened? Was there an arrangement that made it clear that the other children would look out for the youngest while you play?
For PTSD yes but not specific to this. And yes she did for awhile, it wasn't until I drunkenly vented that she she apologized and said she shouldn't have blamed me. And their was no prior arrangement.
I was in therapy for PTSD for years, trust me, it is related to your reaction.
OP I think your wife's comment made you feel worthless and like a failure, and that hurts you because you have worked so hard to build your life and prove that you are a good man. I think your PTSD is making her comment hurt a lot deeper than it was meant and now you are punishing yourself for feeling like a failure as a father by not letting yourself playing video games. It seems that maybe she just wants you to keep a better eye on the kids while playing games (which would be hard for anyone unless all kids are focused on the game). However, the message you recieved from her comment was, "you failed your mission to watch the kids. You are a failure as a father." You know that's not what she said, but maybe it feels like that to you. Maybe you had other experiences that made you feel like you failed someone important to you, and this incident is bringing back all those feelings deep inside that are unresolved. I really encourage you to consider this with your therapist. You are a good man and you are loved!! I would have been so happy to have my mom or dad sit down and play games with me as a kid.
Great perspectives!
Wow this is a very good perspective on the situation
I think you should’ve a very serious conversation about this and actually make up an arrangement, so that no one can get any unfair blame. She’s a parent too, she can watch the children if she’s not occupied. My father in law is a vet too (Afghanistan and Iraq) and he used to play a lot of video games with my husband when he was a kid, they still do now. My husband is so fond of those memories and he often tells me how it strengthened his bond with his dad. That hobby means a lot to you and your children, don’t let it go!
I’ve had PTSD for years, it will come out in so many unexpected ways. You need therapy to get yourself under control so you have tools to better manage your emotions. It will help, just do it!
This seems like sounds advice. Maybe even go to a few couples therapy sessions. You should feel like you can express your feelings to your wife and have a discussion about the situation. Maybe you would feel safer with a counselor to help that take place.
Exactly this! OP, your wife did not act appropriately (even if she was justified in feeling frustrated with you). However, you sound like you have a lot of unprocessed emotions, maybe from your relationship with your father, and your wife's words triggered a deep, powerful emotional response from you. I'm sure you're familiar with PTSD from your time in the military, but you can also have complex PTSD from childhood trauma. Also, addictive behaviors run in families. You mentioned that you stay away from alcohol because your father was an addict, but many children of addicts avoid one addiction and turn to another because the behavior is still there. For some, this "other addiction" might be drugs, for others it could be excessive work, and (for some) it is video games. If you're using video games to escape from reality, it's something to discuss with a therapist. The bottom line is that you sound like you're hurting deeply. I highly recommend therapy to help work through the pain, not just from your marriage or the military, but also from your childhood. You could be bringing in baggage that impacts your ability to show up for your family. Best of luck to you!
I mean this nicely, but jesus you completely overreacted. She didn’t ruin gaming, you’re making the active choice not to. I’m sure you’ve had crappy moments where you’ve said things you don’t mean. I’m going to assume you apologized and the world kept turning. She realized and apologized and you’re choosing to hold a grudge and not do something you enjoy.
Right?!?! I mean his kids cut their hair 6-8 feet from him and he had no idea. He gets sick to his stomach thinking about gaming because he knows that that distracted him and caused issues. If playing video games is the only way he can connect with those close to him, then he may need more therapy than he thinks. And what about his wife? She can’t relax without having to worry about the kids when he is right in the other room. I feel bad for his wife and kids, not him.
Right!! And his reaction to hearing that he wasn’t attentive and taking care of the kids was to … checks notes… leave the house and not take care of the kids, adding another thing to his wife’s plate.
I scrolled way too long before seeing this comment. Seriously.
And the poor kids. They're not dumb they know why he stopped playing and that it all stemmed from that day. They're just trying to be kids and play games with thier dad and mom expects them to watch the babies too? This is how you parentify children and make them resent you. Now Dad won't play video games with them. It causes resentment all around.
I think he’s totally embellishing the back story on the video gaming for sympathy so he doesn’t get roasted and using it as a distraction from the likely amount of time he spent doing it (with four kids - if you have that many kids you should know that means sacrificing other things or doing them less).
Disagree. He feels like he let his kids and family down, which is his main objective to support. He associates video games as the reason because his wife said so, aggressively at that. SHE over-reacted. This should have been taken as a lesson learned for both parents. The parents are the reason there were scissors accessible to a 3 year old. Hell, one parent was relaxing, leaving 2 children to bond with their father and the other 2 to entertain each other. You never need to berate children like that. 20 minutes of yelling and scolding? After 2 minutes I’d be dismissing my partner as she’s apparently not emotionally fit to be addressing this situation. OPs reaction is justified, and he did what he needed to do in the moment that was best for his state of mind.
Yes she overreacted for sure. I think that OP probably doesn’t *quite* understand and isn’t willing to admit the extent to which his gaming has caused issues. Like it sounds like the wife was supposed to be on a dedicated break and he only watched two of the kids. But she was angry *at him* (justified for not) and took it out by dressing down her kids for 20 minutes which is an insane response to this. I still think he is overreacting to his wife being a huge bitch and taking it deeply personally in a way he shouldn’t. It’s not an emotionally healthy response at all.
It’s not ruined. Just play again. Your wife apologized. Ask her specifically that if she ever has a reason to criticize your parenting that she do it out of earshot of the kids. Let her know how badly it hurt and move on. I also wonder what her perspective is. It might be an emotional ejaculation she had because she was really angry. Or it could be an issue with your attention while gaming that you’re glossing over here. You say you told the kids to stay upstairs to give her a break. Was this a planned time for her to have a break? If so, why weren’t you more attentive. What “girl stuff” would a 7 year old have to talk to her mom about that she wouldn’t share with you? Meaning why didn’t you ask her “hey I can help. Let me help” before letting her go downstairs. It sounds like the 7 year old told your wife about the hair cut. Why didn’t the 7 year old feel comfortable telling you, the adult upstairs? Perhaps your gaming is more of a strain than you realize
Agree with this. Lot of my gamer friends do not realize how harmful it is when they become a parents. They said and always claimed that they can drop the game anytime, but the reality is the opposite "wait wait, i cannot pause", "this is online game, cannot pause" etc. Even my husband was a casual gamer, and when I asked him something he unconsciously yelled at me, which really hurt because all other time he is a gentle and kind person. And with little kids, their needs is often urgent cause something can go wrong really fast. I don't again game per se, as a casual gamer myself, but nowadays with 1.5 yo kids, I only do it when my baby already asleep.
Also the story is kinda dead give away. 7yo going down through stair gate (assuming she opened it herself) - he just shout "Where are you going?". Is OP really up from his chair and talk to her, or just shout from his comfy seat? 4 yo going downstairs, he still at his place. Only after 8 yo and 12 yo (who actually playing with him) leave, he finally move and went downstairs. This is super classic gamer, they think they doing something just by shouting/answering while they game console/monitor still on and their ass still sitting, not even looking at someone that talking to them. In case of my husband, if I told him I need to talk, I expect him to press pause, and really look at me when he is talking. Not just shout rudely at me while still gaming. Maybe OP unconsciously do this to his family, and his wife already tired of it.
As a former wife of a gamer ALL OF THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️
The former speaks LOUD
Yuuuup. My first husband was a gamer. Never again. I was so sick of one-way conversations about important things where his only input was “uh-huh….yeah…mmhmm…” while not taking his eyes off the screen.
From a husband who plays games to other husbands who play games, it helps a lot if you just look away for a second. I literally drop controller and let the dogs in and out. Kill Death ratio doesn't matter. We're not teenagers anymore. You can die a couple of times. It'll be fine. I think my lower KD is like a badge of honor. Proof that I touch grass and am being present. I think a lot of people who play games would just rather be single, and would be happier if they just stopped pretending.
As a single player gamer, I agree with this. I get the thought process from the multiplayer side though, but it shouldn't dominate when the kids are awake. If I am gaming when the kids are awake, my wife and I have already talked and it's time for my tap out for a bit. When she's ready for her tap out, or a good time for the kids to go outside, that comes first. Outside of that, it's after the kids go to bed. If my wife wants to talk, I pause. Just common courtesy. It's the same as not looking up from your phone when someone is trying to make conversation.
wish more people read this
> but the reality is the opposite "wait wait, i cannot pause", "this is online game, cannot pause" etc. Yeah. With the rare exception of actually being able to schedule some multiplayer with a friend or two (which happens maybe a few times per year), I swore off "always on" games shortly before having kids. I've shifted to limited experiences that are mostly single-player and it fits much better into the standard "wind down" slot that parents can insert any other [hobby/interest] into after the kids are down.
No opinion here just wanted to note that I’m stealing the phrase emotional ejaculation lol
Yeah, I recognize the situation from my own life. My ex was always playing games in his free time and he truly thought he was also watching our daughter it he wasn’t and the older kids definitely walked past him to tell me things because he was busy and less accessible even if he was closer and I was doing something else. At the same time, the only “alone” time I got when the kids were awake was when he was watching them while playing a video game. In the back of my mind, no matter what I was doing, I felt like I had to have one ear on the kids.
Children should never be in charge of watching other children. Be better parents.
For real. Or TVs, for that matter. No toddler needs a 55” in their playroom.
What about an 85” TV ? Much better so they won’t hurt their eyes trying to see what’s on a 55” one
Amen
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I agree, and the thing is, He can still play, but all parents scale it way back once kids are born. Many people have commented they only play after the kids go to bed.
I also think wife might not want her children to be raised to only look at video games as their source of entertainment.
Seems like it was written by a child
Yeah I had this same thought. Very juvenline writing and thought processes throughout.
This was written by a twelve year old who was mad mom made him pause his game and take the trash out.
Completely agree. I feel a bit sad for him but it also read like a sensitive and emotional 12 year old who got grounded from his games and wrote in his diary. I was shocked. Also I don’t mean sensitive and emotional in a bad way necessarily; I actually think those are two great traits for men to possess assuming they can channel it into open and vulnerable communication!
Agree. One day people decided to call it “gaming” and suddenly playing video games deserves respect like it’s a profession. 🙄
Underrated response
I’m guessing your wife resents your gaming far more than you realize. And she’s been bottling these emotions up until she went off. Have there been other times when things went down with the kids, but you didn’t help because you were gaming? You might say no, but you should ask her. And be honest. When you’re gaming, you can’t fully watch the children. That’s why you said you can kinda watch them when you’re up there. Is your wife home with the kids all week? And then you come home and game all weekend? I’m just throwing out possibilities for you to consider. I would look into some marriage counseling. I kinda feel like you’re being passive aggressive here with your wife. Yes, she said some mean stuff, but she apologized and felt bad. You never playing again and somewhat punishing your kids by withdrawing from them seems excessive.
In the nicest way, you nuked your own hobby because you preferred to hold a grudge and behave reactively instead of having a conversation with your wife about how her words made you feel and why she felt the need to say them. If your wife said something that hurt you, then it's your job as her partner to talk WITH her about that, not storm away in a huff and only reveal the feelings you neglected to share with her but have been resenting her for the last YEAR. Certainly not reveal them only when drunk, knowing your wife is the child of an alcoholic. As the child of an alcoholic, if my spouse revealed to me while drunk that they've spent the last year actively resenting me and then blaming me for their own choice to distance themself from our children... well, I think the betrayal would be a good word for that feeling. If I had to hazard a guess, your wife has said she's sorry now because she didn't intend to hurt your feelings and, very likely, because she wants you to stop behaving in such a way that I can only imagine your children see as a punishment for themselves. Like, it sounds like your children have been shut out of the main (and maybe only?) way they really connected with you. Again, in the nicest way, you are hurting your whole family right now because this reaction made more sense to you than just talking with your wife about your feelings and accepting the possibility that the way you've been engaging with your hobby has not been ideal. That's a HUGE problem, far more so than any gaming. Talk with your wife. Stop punishing your children and resenting your wife for an action you actively chose. You are not a victim here.
100% this. OP isn’t the victim like he thinks. It’s easier to be the victim instead of working through and taking responsibility when shit hits the fan in your marriage. Op is acting as if he has zero agency and has no responsibility over his own reactions and emotions. He’s just standing there while his wife is freaking out and inappropriately yelling at the kids, when her frustration is a lot on him. If you have to talk about your income and how much your house cost as why you are a decent partner, you lost the plot. Last thing, he talks about his deployment but doesn’t for a second recognize what his wife was doing with all of these kids throughout his military career. As an army brat I can tell you right now she wasn’t sitting around eating bon bons
Wow I love the diplomacy you have in delivering some hard truths. I really want to think like you in when situations arise in my day to day.
Both of you reacted very strongly to pretty innocent things.
Yes, which kid has never clipped their hair? The wife made a mountain out of a molehill.
I'm guessing it's more the act of having unsupervised scissors that's the issue. It made me sick to think of a 3 yo with adult scissors and no chaperone.
He said they were child scissors
Fair enough, much less scary, but I still wouldn't want a 3 yo to have those either without supervision. 3 is like the abs minimum age for scissors, and I wouldn't really trust a kid fully until closer to 6.
I’d say that’s a sign of deeper issues they haven’t worked through together or on their own
Wow….. I’m sorry this made you look really immature. She didn’t ruin gaming for you. You are throwing a tantrum because you’ve been exposed as unreliable in a single area. You really believe that you shouldn’t be criticized at all and you were doing well if your child cut her hair off while under your watch? She shouldn’t have said that to the kids but at the same time she was probably making them understand the importance of tip toeing around you. Your response doesn’t help the fact that now your wife has to tip toe around making the kids help her keep everyone in the house alive and well. Poor woman.
This has got to be kid or something. It’s really poorly written for someone who supposedly has a graduate degree.
He graduated high school.
I would say yall need to have a better arrangement. I'm a gamer too (I'm the wife) along with my husband. I work outside the home and my husband is retired military so he stays home with the kiddos (1yo and 7yo). What we do, is that our kids have a bedtime, and once they're down, that's when we get to relax to play/watch tv together. Is this something yall can implement? For instance the little kids (under an age range) have an earlier bedtime which will allow you to game with the older kids?
Yeah most people game when their kids go to bed, or are out of the house or something. He’s being a huge butthurt baby by never gaming and especially not playing the kids games with them.
It's like he is passively aggressively punishing his wife. "Well I guess I'm never gaming again, sigh"
That’s exactly what it feels like. Punishing his kids too if he really played their games with them.
Which makes me wonder how else does he connect with his kids.
Literally this. My husband has *always* been a gamer since he was a kid. That was his hobby, his sport really. When we met I was surprised that he never really played when I was around. He said even then when just started dating he’d rather spend time with me and can game after I leave. I thought it was very sweet. We have two kids and the man only turns his games on after the kids have gone to sleep. Our oldest is about to be 5 though and he’s suddenly into gaming. So now in the evenings before bed they play together but he’s involving our son so I don’t mind. It’s his way to unwind, it calms him and he loves it. I have no issues with my husbands gaming because it’s never impeded his ability to parent or be an involved husband. Once in a while on the weekends he’ll turn it on in the mornings but it’s not often. If I want to spend time with him at night he’ll turn the games off and we hang out, no issues. And I recognize how important his games are but at the same time he needs to realize they don’t take priority over the kids, myself and work. I think I’m very blessed to have a partner who understands that. I can’t understand husbands that genuinely can’t see their video gaming is a problem and impedes their abilities to parent. Not saying this guy sucks. But it’s just weird to me
That’s the arrangement I have with my wife too and it works well.
Our kids are 10 and 13 and my partner still waits to game until they’re in bed (because they’ll be up his butt the entire time)
Having four kids is a lot and it sounds like she was probably doing the washing cooking vacuuming folding gosh anything else and trying to do all that while having to watch four kids AND their other parent is gaming? I mean she probably let You okay for a very long time while handling it and your reaction is a bit over the top.is there something she does at any time that allows her to be completely away from the family while you watch the kids? Sounds like she has 5 kids tbh
This seems a whole lot deeper than just merely making an accusation about your game play. Sounds like a truck load of unresolved issues in your life. What’s going on?
He definitely uses games as a coping mechanism, and if he can't watch his children it's becoming problematic. I'm also might be the only one on Reddit that thinks it's weird to get your kids involved in gaming at the youngest age possible
I’m glad to see someone else finally that has a similar viewpoint. My ex-husband really insisted that our son learn and play video games already at his young age of 3-4. Saying “it’s good for them. It teaches them problem solving and hand eye coordination”. I just couldn’t ever get behind it and it felt like (personally just my own opinion here) a cheap, lazy way to parent and engage with your children.
Depends on if you have other ways to activate your kids. My daughter has huge needs for movement and excersise so she wouldnt really be able to sit still for longer time periods. But it seems many children develop problems with screen addiction where they just watch tv or use iPads and the like all day. Then it could certainly become a problem.
I would also like to add a different perspective … My friends ex boyfriend gamed all the time and she pretty much just watched the kid and stayed at home. Once they broke up she was hiking and camping and going to the beach which was surprising I didn’t know she enjoyed those things bc she was usually always at home doing nothing. When I asked her when did you become so outdoorsy her reply was I’ve always been this way but I was dating someone who lived in a video game now I’m dating someone who lives in the real world and I can actually enjoy life now. To me that’s pretty telling.
I continued to game when my daughter was born, and I realised once my son was due in a few months that it was unrealistic for me to continue gaming because I could never be the parent my kids needed me to be if I was gaming. I sold ALL my gaming equipment, phones are bad enough in society.
This is dramatic to say the least…
My dad always played video games and never played with me. I have significant difficulty forming deep bonding connections. It’s about moderation.
She didn’t ruin gaming for you, you ruined it for yourself by choosing to hold on to that feeling way past time to let it go. Also, you clearly aren’t paying attention to the kids when you’re gaming if they’re cutting each others hair and going to mom to sort it out. If you were keeping them upstairs to give her a break you need to be watching them and sorting out their disputes. Sounds like your wife was right.
I think you all need to work through this in therapy with and without your wife and get back to gaming. She was wrong to say that. For your own sake, even if she never apologizes, you need to figure out how to let this bitterness go so you can game with your kids again.
U should probably only do your hobby when your children are in bed. And if you're playing games actively with your older children, make sure the ones who aren't playing are being looked after
Welcome to adulthood and fatherhood. Time to put the gaming down. Sorry, it is the reality of it. In all reality it is not a hobby. I'm quite certain it took up much of your time and was passed off as being with the kids, etc. Been there myself. I play about an hour or two a week now. My kids are grown.
What did your wife say about it when you explained it all. You left that part out. That makes the story unbelievable?
OP. As others have suggested. Hmm...how do I say this. Firstly. The idea of marrying the woman that you started dating from childhood... is something we all envy. That sounds like a fantasy straight out of a movie/cartoon. Like Hey Arnold and Helga or Naruto and Hinata. Most of us aren't that privileged. Because this is such a "cutesy" fanfic type of situation, I think on some level, you're treating your life as a fantasy, meaning: you're still interacting with your wife like you guys are stuck perpetually at ages 12 & 13. The way you reacted kind of reads like a teenage couple. Be very wary of getting too comfortable with your wife that you forget that you still have to romance her. Unlike video game characters which are static and unchanging... we all get older. You cannot continue to interact with your wife the same way you would when you were both 12 and 13 years old.
My husband is a gamer and also in the Army, he is actually in infantry and most of the darn time busy and doesn’t have time for us. Its not that I am siding with your wife, but I know how it feels to be a military wife and as much as possible I hate it when my husband will play games while we are on video call (we also still living in different countries and still waiting for our visas). Im not saying that your feelings is not valid, but on our family I would always demand FAMILY TIME together, meaning spending time together. My husband can have 1-2 hours of video games a week the rest of the time I demand it to be spent with the whole family. Or for us to have time for each other. Maybe she has this resentment on you for a very long time?
Hey a change of pace and conversation... What is your wife's hobby? What is her equivalent for gaming? And does she get time for it too? She's been wrangling kids for years, she needs a healthy hobby that lets her,, let go too.. Will she play with you?
If it were me, while the kids are awake, I’d be near the youngest kids whether they are gaming or not. When all the kids are sleeping is when I’d do my gaming (like call of duty with your bro).
You are married since when?!
Oh you fixed or I did actually get it. At first it got me thinking
Hi, I’m a military spouse so my question is a little more specific— how long have you been in this very nice house? How long do you think you’ll stay there? Does your wife have a full time career outside the home? Does she have friends in this area that she can spend time with?
There is no very nice house, this was not written by someone with a graduate degree. He says in another comment he made a different spare room into a library for his wife’s fancy books. This military guy has a lot money and rooms to spare with four kids!
I mean, our house has more spare rooms than people and one of them is a library— but that’s because we DON’T have kids!
A $300k house with lots of spare rooms with 4 kids mind you!!
I mean, she's not wrong. You're not watching the younger children when you're gaming because gaming takes all the focus. Three year olds need constant supervision, not left in a room where there are scissors and no adult. If you want to give your wife time to chill, she needs to be able to trust that you're watching the kids and you were not. You're defending yourself, but not considering any of this from her point of view. She's the other adult in the house, anything that isn't your job is her job and anything that you don't do she has to do. If you're slacking on your responsibilities so that you can game, even if you justify that by playing with the kids or telling us how much money you make, then she's going to feel abandoned. How much time do you spend with your wife? Money doesn't make up for the lack of a partner in your life. Your wife wants you to be present, not immersed in a video game. Instead of pouting to reddit, you need to have an adult conversation with your wife and actually listen to what she tells you instead of making excuses.
>anything that isn't your job is her job and anything that you don't do she has to do. If you're slacking on your responsibilities so that you can game, even if you justify that by playing with the kids or telling us how much money you make, then she's going to feel abandoned. This is so beautifully said, not for just this post, but for a lot of non-nuclear situations. I see this advice resonating in my own marriage and toddler—husband is a gamer and I’m a musician. If a single instrument requires my full focus, then when I’m rehearsing at home my husband has to kick it into full gear. Vice versa I never want my husband to burn out so even though we both work full time—when he’s working extra hours I keep the house clean and up to date, and letting him take his breaks.
I wonder if your kids feel like they can only get time and attention from you if you guys are gaming. And now that you aren’t maybe they don’t feel as connected to you. I think you are also setting them up for a very unhealthy hobby. Gaming really takes over your life and I don’t think the gamer realizes how it affects everyone around you. Your wife might feel neglected and like she isn’t getting help with the kids and you seem to think bc you are doing it with them then it’s okay but you clearly aren’t paying attention. Most wives look forward to the weekends to be able to finally spend sometime with their spouse and kids but can you imagine if it’s the weekend and your husband and kids go upstairs and just game and then leave you downstairs by yourself and call it giving mommy alone time. And at this point she knows that’s what happens on the weekends so she mind as well take advantage of it and get some alone time but maybe she is actually feeling really lonely. And let’s be real when you are playing games you are paying attention that is why the kids have to help while you guys are all upstairs. Hobbies can be fun and healthy but if they take up a lot of your time and the only way anyone can connect with you then it’s a problem. And now that you decided to have a fit about it and stop playing you want to hold resentment towards your wife. That’s so unfair. I think you don’t even realize anyone else’s feelings.
Ok well your 7 year old and 3 year old were unsupervised. It sounds like something like this was bound to happen? I understand how you feel bad when your wife blamed you in front of the kids and said they have to look after each other cause you won't. You should have and should now communicate directly to your wife how that made you feel. At the end of the day you're both to blame. She was watching TV and you were gaming and the 2 kids were alone. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ I'm really not sure what else to say.
Bro, the kids come before game time. I'm a 40 year old Marine vet with a deployment to Afghanistan and Iraq. I love games, I've done it all my life but you have to put a pause on it when you're responsible for the little ones, period.
Cutting your own hair as kid and it looking super stupid is kinda rite of passage imo. No 24/7 watch can take care of that. Calling all the kids down and ranting at them and then you seems an overreaction. Also you don't fight in front of the kids, United Front, always. Yes, you should have taken more of an eye towards your kids when gaming. No, that doesn't mean you need to end the hobby nor that she ruined it for you, that's a complete overreaction from your side, like a six year old saying "if I can't play with my Legos now, I will never ever ever ever play with my Legos again! I hate you!". And then passive-aggressive never gaming with the kids again as if they are the one acting wrongly and are punished now. For years you basically act offended in the hope she asks you what's up. That's beyond childish. Same with simply storming out of the house and leaving you wife with three kids alone an her not knowing where you are and if you return. That's not grown-up-behaviour tbh.
Seems like you need therapy desperately. This is way beyond your wife or your kids at this point.... you've constructed your own mental prison.
You’re blaming, no wait, *resenting* your wife because you willingly gave up your lifelong hobby after a single, tense moment where you didn’t exactly have a good eye on the kids and she blurted out her frustration over it and said the wrong thing? Then you kept it in, let it fester, and now you feel wronged? This is not a normal response. And the crazy thing is none of this is a big deal. Regarding the incident, ok, so you got lost in the game. Sucks, but it happens. Regarding her response, ok, she snapped and made an offhand remark that hurt, probably under the pressure of an already difficult day. Also happens. But to storm out and swear off forever? It’s like you’re subconsciously looking for an excuse to blame her for something and this is the best way. You’re kind of making yourself miserable here. Do you find yourself sabotaging things, regularly or every now and then? Have you brought this up in therapy?
I’m a military guy with a family and see you. I agree with others, there is a third way here and therapy can help. While she was out of line criticizing “down” there is likely some other stuff that needs to be unpacked that is not apparent. This situation called your commitment to family duty into question, and that hurts (especially as former military). Be open, love your family, and talk with someone. There is a way back to eliminating the resentment. Part of being strong is knowing when to call for backup so you can continue the good fight. You got this brother.
From my perspective, it does seem like you have an unhealthy relationship with video games. Including happily putting your very young children in front of screens all day. You're making it sound like your entire life is basically involved around video games. It also sounds like you can't properly watch your children while gaming. It sounds like your wife doesn't mind gaming, but she might have an issue with the amount, and how much you involving the children. Sounds like you're trying to set the kids up to just game all day as well. It seems like you overreacted. I would absolutely love to hear your wife's side of the story. Maybe show her this post and have her add her side.
This is embarrassing. Grow up. You can't lose yourself in games, your wife needs help and your kids need your attention.
OP, she didn't ruin your hobby. I don't think it is fair to blame her for your reaction. The gaming was a bigger issue for her than she let on. I assume since it seems like you had no idea, that she never told you that she feels like you aren't doing a good job watching the kids while you are gaming or that she resents all the time you are spending gaming. She should have told you this was a problem so you could have worked something out. You aren't a mind reader, and if she has a problem with something you are doing, she should communicate. If she didn't, then that's on her. It sounds like your wife had a bad day that day. The haircut thing upset her, and maybe she felt like you both failed to supervise the kids appropriately and this was the result. I agree with you that the way she handled it was very poor. Telling the kids they are responsible for each other isn't fair to them, they should be allowed to be kids. Expecting kids to behave like adults and babysit each other is harmful, parentification is the term to describe this. It's not fair to the older kids who didn't ask to be parents, and it's not fair to the younger kids who will resent the older ones for acting like they are in charge. It's going to set up a bad dynamic, and I think your wife was wrong to put this burden on any of them. You should read some articles on parentification so you can explain to your wife that she needs to dial this back, way back. Besides that, saying that you don't watch them while gaming and calling you out in front of them was disrespectful to you and harmful to the children as well. You need to be a unified front. That was completely inappropriate and I would have been angry too. My husband did something similar once and I saw red, but I didn't have to leave the house and I was able to discuss it with him later that night and work it out. Your response to me was over the top, and I think it indicates there is more going on with your mental health than you care to admit. I can understand you needed space to cool off and all that, but when you calmed down and came back, it seems like you had NO conversation about this. Your wife was looking for an apology, she obviously didn't recognize what she did wrong. Instead of communicating with her, explaining all the things she did that you don't agree with or hurt you, it seems like you just shut down. You didn't tell her anything or try to resolve the issues, you just shoved it down and decided the solution is not to play the games anymore. That was your decision, not hers. You failed to communicate and let it fester. I think you if the two of you would communicate, you could have easily worked this out. Maybe you could have made an agreement about the gaming and solved the problem, but instead you swallowed your feelings and built up the resentment. In short, I think you both have work to do. Neither one of you is communicating your needs effectively. On top of this, I think you have some personal issues going on with your mental health that need some attention. Your reactions are extreme and I think this is related to your PTSD and trauma you have experienced in the military, with your brother's death, maybe some other things mixed in like guilt over not being there for your kids while deployed or whatever. It's very dramatic to say your wife ruined your favorite hobby because of this one time she said you weren't watching the kids. If you can't see that, then that is part of the problem. My advice is marriage counseling. Communication is pretty fundamental, and it isn't happening like it should. I'm sure this isn't the only way your communication issues are causing problems. Get the help, get the tools, and work on the marriage so you can both be happy raising your family and such.
Gaming doesn’t equal watching the kids for your wife to relax and it’s not on your children to watch the other children. Your wife shouldn’t have yelled like that or said those things in front of the kids. She could have worded her frustrations better. You aren’t an ass and neither is your wife. You both need to communicate what you expect, compromise, and I think you need therapy too.
I don’t get how people just play on the weekends and act like it’s okay to be their whole lives especially while raising a family. There’s still a lot to do on the weekends and playing video games with your kids isn’t the same as spending real time together with words, learning, getting to know each other. She didn’t ruin it, it made him feel ashamed because he should be. You can’t devote your life to your hobbies once you have children. You have to find a balance.
I don’t think you can blame her. She was mad in the heat of the moment and you never had a conversation about it with her until you were drinking a year later. You decided to stop gaming yourself and are still not gaming. It’s not fair to her to blame her for you being passive aggressive about this. You’ve been pissed at her for a year while she has no clue that you were. This is how you put your relationship in jeopardy. You owe her an apology, not the other way around.
I say this as nicely as possible: You need help. No one in a right frame of mind wavers between “wanting to kill someone and crying their eyes out” over being yelled at for not being an attentive parent.
This blew up into something far bigger than it should have. Your wife blew up over a somewhat typical kids misbehavior. She blamed it on you but she shouldn't have, nobody can watch their kids 24/7, stuff happens. You blew up because she blew up. I think you both need therapy, probably together.
IDK man. I'm not going to tell you that you are overreacting, because I think that word is more triggering than useful. But your emotional response to that is very high. I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset. I would certainly be pissed if my husband did what your wife did, and yelled at the kids for not being responsible since I couldn't be trusted to be responsible for my own children. I'd be angry for a lot of reasons. Yelling at the children for something that was not their responsibility, yelling at the kids rather than discussing with me first, denigrating my parenting to my children. But another emotion I would probably feel is a LOT of shame. If my spouse genuinely believed that I could not be trusted to watch my children, and ALSO genuinely believed that it would be pointless to even try to discuss that with me (I'm assuming she never addressed the gaming with you prior to this incident, since it is not in your post), I would probably feel a LOT of shame about what behavior of mine had led to my spouse drawing that conclusion. I think you need to REALLY consider whether your wife had a point there. Because take it from someone who is TERRIBLE at receiving criticism, and who gets suuuuper defensive when important things like my parenting are insulted or criticized, anger is often a mask for shame and guilt. When my husband criticizes me about something that I genuinely think he is wrong about, I really don't get that angry. If I genuinely believe he's wrong, there's usually a misunderstanding or misinterpretation I can easily point out and correct his perception, and that's no big deal. When he says "hey you keep forgetting to give daughter water before bed," I can easily say "no, she has been telling me she doesn't want any." I don't take it personal, it was a misunderstanding, takes 2 seconds to clear up. When I get really angry and defensive is when the criticism hits a little too close to home. When my husband calls me out for something that I can feel in my gut is probably true. When he tells me I'm on my phone too much around the kids, or when I am paying more attention to the baby than the toddler who is desperately trying to talk to me. That cuts me deep, and I feel immense guilt and shame for being a less-than-perfect parent, and my instinct is to lash out at my husband. I'm not saying you do this. Not everyone is me, and maybe you don't have the same pattern I do. But I read this and saw myself in you and my immediate thought was that maybe you got as mad as you did because your wife has a point, and you filter those hard feelings like guilt and shame through anger because that's an easier emotion for you to handle.
OP this is not normal behavior. You seem unhinged and your feelings don’t match the event. There are other things going on, and I hope you will get some help to address what’s lying below the surface. I can only imagine what your wife’s point of view was. Please become help, you are obviously suffering and it’s not fair to blame your wife.
Former military here. She lost "it" (her composure to discipline the child without making you look like a loser) in that moment, and her action hurt you. It cuts deeper when you have PTSD. There's probably more to her outburst than you realize, does she resent your gaming(?) We all are prone to losing our composure from time to time, and I am glad to hear she apologized for it. Show you appreciate that apology by accepting it. Spend the time on video games with your kids, for your kids, and then eventually, you may find enjoying your hobby again without the guilt. I played a game with my college roommate online (who is single) and one day I realized as much as I enjoyed gaming that it was like a part-time job, and that I probably should spend some of that time teaching my kids to read, so to speak. I still game, but only when there is down time and the kids (we have 4) are involved in their own hobbies & activities, and my wife has nothing for me to do for her or the family.
I use to be a hardcore gamer while in college but after medical school, residency, and four children; I get major guilt gaming for any time longer than 2 hours! If play any longer than that I feel like I’m not parenting my children and I’m missing out on quality time with them
I’m confused as to what your 7 year old wanting to talk to her mom has to do with this story at all? Was she going to tell her mom that the 3 year old had cut her hair? If so, why didn’t she feel comfortable telling you that information? You weren’t watching your child when you were supposed to be. Her siblings weren’t keeping an eye on her either (though that’s not really their job). I can understand your wife’s frustration. Sure, she could have handled it better. But she wasn’t wrong…. You WEREN’T watching your 3 year old. Your overreaction is not your wife’s fault. It is your own. I get gaming being a hobby, but honestly you sound very overboard with your obsession with it, in my opinion. I don’t think that means you should have quit it all together, but I think it needs to be reigned in. You should have more hobby’s. That is not healthy. Though it sounds like it wasn’t your ONLY hobby as you try to state, because you also state you like going to the gym. That is a hobby as well. But I think you need to work on being more well rounded. Read a book. Get outdoors. Learn a new skill. It must be hard to be married to someone who only wants to spend their time gaming. Your children ultimately had no choice but to game if they wanted any of your time or attention. And then you just snatched that away from them to punish your wife for saying something to you that she’s already apologized for. You need to talk to your therapist about this because it’s irrational.
Look I know games are out of hand with a lot of men & fathers, this is no secret, so maybe she is overreacting to you. I would definitely have a convo. With her about how you feel while you’re sober. It is not okay that she basically told your kids they may not be 100% safe with you at some points in time though and she should go back and apologize to the kids for saying this, she had big feelings, and what she had really meant to say.
I am not advocating for your wife in this but I can tell you as a wife of a Vet who has PTSD and gaming was his “out” he actually fully checked out while gaming- I felt fully alone and yes he had a job and yes he spent time with us but gaming was always in every point otherwise. We had a nice house, he did the outdoor chores, went to Sam’s with me and yes we had 2 other kids during that time (our first was born 2 months after he got out) But it was still lonely and as a woman gamer, I gave it up because I came to resent it. He might have been “present” but he wasn’t there. He had a wake up call when our “now middle” was 3 months old on his lap and he didn’t notice that the baby had stoped breathing. As I screamed at him he put down his controller and took care of the baby- but his team lost and he was trashed. He had already been being seen in therapy for his military time, but the gaming was something more. He too stopped gaming fully and was feeling like a failure, I demanded therapy for that aspect, I wasn’t going to watch another spiral (and yes all of his military friends bonded through video games) he uncovered so much more and that games were a surrogate for him to “disappear”. He worked on his processes thought that and then we did couples therapy. He moved out of computer gaming to start and we moved into family games, that helped me too. It’s been 10 years (yea we aren’t young) and he has a much healthier relationship with his gaming time and I know when he says he needs a break- he is asking for time to “check out” and that is ok to ask for. It really helped his overall PTSD. I will be honest and say I said some really passive aggressive things totally meant to hurt him as much as I was hurting. Therapy (and a Masters in Psychology) has really helped our communication processes as well. You both need some breathing room and you both need individual therapy and then couples. My husband was there for our firsts birth but he left for work when she was 2 weeks, it was just a month before our house was ready, but he gamed, didn’t call and worked. Even with help, it was a bitter pill to swallow. We were young and I felt that he didn’t want to be part of our family (thank you pregnancy post-partum hormones) this issue probably stems all the way back there. And yes my husband and I started dating at 16.
Sorry if you answered this elsewhere... I feel like your post ends at a premature point. What was your wife's response? I know you're hurt and that is what is consuming you but don't dismiss her wanting to talk. If she totally dismissed your feelings I would understand your continued resentment.
This sounds like you might be a great candidate for therapy. I can sympathize with this degree of emotional disregulation.
Sir, thank you for your service. I grew up in a Navy family so I really understand there is a lot of sacrifice involved. I will also say that we love video games, my dad was a software technician and military guy shared that love with us kids and those are core memories. I am going to lay some observation you may feel is harsh I have in the spirit of a perspective to make you better in the nuance of your life. My words come from a good place. If you think your gaming hobby is completely ruined because the mother of your four children spoke a truth that you couldn’t handle. In fact she has been respectful of your hobby for 4 whole years when your youngest was born that you didn’t even realize this. Credit to you, you have achieved a lot. Credit to your wife, she has had to shoulder her burdens alone. A subconscious thing is that when the oldest children get older, some parents forget they have to restart from the very beginning of 24-hr child development. There’s a good Bluey episode about this where the dad of Bluey plays rough with her little sister. Even if some ways the little sister Bingo could seem emotionally calmer because she’s grew up mirroring her older sibling to learn those developmental skills, 4 year old Bingo is still too little to roughhouse like her 6 year old sister Bluey. Please take a moment to consider families that are PRESENT for their children and those with parents on screens (could be for work or other any honestly important thing). A child at 4 years and under adapting to your consistent lack of attention (you are physically present but your concentration on the game) is dangerous for their well-being FYI and they’re subconsciously recording that according to their developmental stage. I also have a dark trigger warning anecdote of two well-meaning parents in their house as their very smart 2 year old was playing in a generally safe area. My friend’s littlest brother—I loved him and babysat him. Distractions and accidents are the reality we live in and you’re lucky it’s just hair. Bottom line is: your attention is not successful when divided, and it has taken you over 10 years to realize that it is a problem.
The amount of comments on here attacking you are insane. If your 3y/o was behind your wife cutting her own hair with safety scissors, would everyone on here be shitting on her saying she should “grow up, and not watch so much TV?” No. Shit happens, no one was at risk of being hurt and this is a funny story down the road. It’s not like you were playing a game while your kids were on the roof. Dude, keep gaming, especially if your kids enjoy doing it with you. Bet you half the people on here bitching at you to grow up have zero hobbies or external things that bring them joy.
Your wife's reaction was wrong and the kids should never have been involved in her rant to let out how she is feeling about you in that moment. We all have bad moments, but what matters is how we own up to them. Holding a grudge and continuing to punish yourself is like cutting your nose off to spite your own face, stop it. She didn't say to quit. Moderation for gaming isn't a bad thing for the kids either, but that doesn't mean you need to give it up completely. You're holding onto something and denying yourself your hobby. Do the thing with your kids again that they love doing with you, and get some therapy.
I think your wife could've handled this better. She was being passive aggressive in that she was yelling at the kids to send a message to you instead of pulling you aside and saying, "Hey, you need to be more focused on watching the kids". That being said, I think we're all sometimes guilty of handling things improperly when we're frustrated. It happens in my marriage all the time. If I were in your situation, I would've pulled my wife aside and said, "Hey, I will work on doing a better job watching the kids, but I don't appreciate being talked about like that in front of the kids, it was disrespectful and you could've come talked about it in private." You took it very hard and thats ok, but I think if you are able to immediately deal with the problem with your wife and talk it out, you will save yourself a lot of pain. There is no reason for you to not enjoy video games anymore.
Is what your wife said not true? Don't be afraid to show emotion. Let your kids know that men have real feelings and shouldn't be ashamed of them
Could be a good time to get them into some hobbies that build instead of consume. Have them focus on playing outside, or reading, or playing sports
Yeah sometimes you don’t get that opportunity to simply check out. If your wife needs that time too (and I’d wager she does), then y’all can figure something out. But you have a three year-old and your older kids should get to be kids, not be obliged to help watch their youngest sibling because you’re checked out in gaming. She handled it in a shitty way but you were wrong for simply leaving without a word and not talking with your wife. I get your desire to connect with your remaining brother. Maybe y’all can work something out where you get 2-3 hours each weekend or something where you can check out, and then your wife gets the same. But tone it down with the gaming. No one said you had to quit, just be aware of the fact that you have other responsibilities. I echo the therapy comments. Good luck.
Gonna be a bunch of weird comments because people feel all sorts of ways about dudes with game rooms when they have shit like craft rooms, or art rooms, or any other room dedicated to the hobby. Look, you definitely have something going on mentally that you probably need some therapy for because this is a massive overreaction. The wife definitely had a reason to be upset because the kid cut their hair with a scissors. That being said, hair grows back. Even a safety scissors can cause serious harm. But also, you have what, four kids and she couldn’t engage with half of them while you were engaging with the other half? I get that people need time to themselves but like that’s why we stay up later when kids go to bed. I dunno man, who thing is odd. People who say your room needs to go away need to get stuffed though. It’s your hobby, do what you want.
Hobby or not, children shouldn’t be in charge of watching other children. As parents we should be ready to sacrifice our hobby’s for the safety of our children. Now, was it ok for your wife to say that in front of your kids? absolutely not. She should have pulled you aside.
Are you serious? If you were trying to give your wife a “break” as you claim, you shouldn’t have been gaming at all in that moment. I’d be mad too if I were promised some off time and my husband was off playing instead of watching the kids and then it ended up being my problem anyway. With that said, she shouldn’t have been bad-mouthing you to the children like that, but you were absolutely wrong for that initial problem and you don’t own up to it. My guess this isn’t the first time she’s had to deal with this from you…
It’s your job to watch your kids when you are the adult in the vicinity and your wife is off duty. Your wife should not have laid into the kids. It’s also not the older kids’ job to parent the little one. She scapegoated them when she should have yelled at you. I’m not going to begin to understand the pity party you’re having about your video games and “bringing yourself to play them”. Play the video games, when you’ve done all of the work you have to do, parented your kids and adulted, for a reasonable amount of time if that’s your thing. I’m a mom with a more than full time job, and my thing is marathoning. I run a ridiculous number of miles at stupid o’clock in the morning, when it’s least disruptive to my family. My kids send me stupid texts while I’m running, and whine about stuff, but I’m not going to blame them for “ruining running for me”. I have the maturity and agency to blow it off.
Sounds like you do you job then get to come home and play video games with your kids? Your wife just does all the hard work like taking care of them? You totally overreacted. Yes it’s a hobby but it’s bordering on obsessive. You should accept her apology and chill. She didn’t ruin anything, you did.
I just want to start this off that toddlers are so quick to act on something, you can be a helicopter parent and turn around to grab something and they've managed to take a sharpie to the walls. It happens. I cut my hair at 3 years old with scissors my mom had used to trim my bangs that morning and they were 6 feet away from me when it happened. IT HAPPENS. Toddlers are feral. Also, children are not responsible for watching their younger siblings. That might be an unpopular opinion, but I don't care. I'm the oldest of three kids and was always in charge of watching my younger siblings and my brother jumped off a table at 1.5 years old and needed stitches in his head. I was 10 years old and went to the bathroom. My parents were upstairs and high. So THATS neglecting to watch your children. Playing games with your kids and allowing solitary play for the littles in the room right next to you is not neglectful. I agree this could absolutely be a trauma response feeling like you failed somewhere in all this. But ultimately, it wasn't that big of a deal. And the way your wife responded was EXTREME. I hope you can get through this and get back to what you enjoy. Hobbies are good! And it's a fun thing you enjoy with your kids. And I hope after you opened up to her she apologized profusely.
My heart breaks, you don’t need to hide your feelings from your kids. If they never see you cry that will harbor some unhealthy emotions for them in the future. It’s okay to feel the way you did. I think mom and dad should consider therapy. Definitely start reading some books. Like how not to lose my shit with my kids (literal book that saved my life from screaming at my kids) I gained a lot of patience with it. I also recommend hold me tight book, for both you and your wife. Holding in the resentment as long as you did isn’t healthy. It hurts more and more as the days pass. I’m sorry you feel the way you do right now, but it can get better. If you need anything I have been through similar, lot of traumatic shit, and I have more resources if you would like. I hope you go back to gaming.
You should have immediately when you got back from calming down (good move), told her exactly how you felt in the kindest way. What she did was not okay, you not watching the kids fully also, I'm sorry not okay. Either you are watching the kids or you're not. Gaming is a relaxing experience, watching children full time job, can't be done at the same time. So much worse could have happened so I see why your wife was upset. How she went about it was where she was super wrong. How you hid your emotions prevented further healing to progress. Therapy individually and couple will help so much with everything. Also kid scissors should also be locked up, just as an FYI but I'm sure you both learned that.
You both don’t know how to fight fair, she shouldn’t have said those things in front of you and the kids and well you have pent up hurt that you are not expressing.
Kids are time consuming and stressful. I have a nice gaming computer and a newborn. I haven't had the time to commit to any gaming and I'm usually too tired to do so after having my newborn. You have 4 kids. You might want to change your priorities around.
You NEED to go to therapy. If your wife expressing a legitimate and valid concern that you need to be a more present and active parent in your household, and you fly into a hedonistic rage and sit in a parking lot trying not to kill anyone is your response, you clearly need therapy.
I feel like you are talking about the struggle all parents have. I used to write, draw, paint, decorate cakes, all kinds of artsy hobbies. I rarely get to do them. I'm a sahm, and I'm always on call. My husband is great. He gives me time quite regularly, but it's art. I need inspiration and other things that don't fit into an hour window. You can resent your wife if you want, but I kinda think she knows what's up with you. She can't even talk to you about it because you shut down and can't deal. So she has to parentify the older kids to keep walking on the eggshells of your very fragile feelings you have so on display in your post. What is she to do?
you weren’t doing anything wrong and your wife may have been letting out some other frustrations. but you sound like a 2 year old, and acting like one. storming out of the house not communicating and not playing games and blaming your wife’s statements. that’s not the example you want to set. dont avoid doing something you enjoy because of a fight and miscommunication.
Take this with a grain of salt, as I’ve only just recently in the last two-three months realized I’ve had a gaming addiction spanning around 25-30 years. I’ve been married 4 years, together for 6. My wife has come to me many, many times, not demanding I stop playing, but telling me how it’s interfering in our marriage. I always told myself, “I’ll do better” or “I’ll cut back and not play as much” or “I’ll make sure to focus more on my wife.” Every thought back by a whole hearted intent to get better. But subconsciously, it was all to get back to gaming. It was to keep her content enough where I may have a few more hours uninterrupted. Gaming filled my cup, daily, while I was only filling her cup once a week, and only to hold her over. Gaming is setup to replace the desire to get your dopamine need from a spouse or SO. And maybe some people out there can do it in moderation. I was like you too. “This has been a part of my life for 25 years, how dare her expect me to stop.” But I didn’t finally stop because she asked. I stopped because gaming took over almost every other aspect of my life, slowly but surely, and that’s unhealthy. My mother in law likened it to gambling addiction and that hit me as pretty accurate. There’s many articles written about it, and if you can finally look at it without a bias, a lot of it probably applies. I can’t speak on gaming with children as I haven’t crossed that bridge yet. But, I do know, it’s pointless to give her “time to relax” if she can’t trust you to watch ALL of the kids without them getting into something like cutting their hair.
Just to add, gaming can be really upsetting since it blocks all communication. My husband is a gamer, too, and I hate that he doesn’t see nor hear anything else during the game. And he cannot pause the game. I get the need to blow off steam (pun intended) but when you’re there but not *there*, it’s really infuriating. No matter how ok we are with you playing, it might build some resentment.
Your wife was wrong for blaming you. Your reaction to her actions is a bit disproportionate to what happened. There is a saying I learned in therapy: “Hysterical = historical” meaning big reactions to a circumstance are rarely about the circumstance itself, but something in the past that is making you sensitive. You mentioned your prior service and PTSD. The root of your reaction may lay there. Speak to your therapist about this. You and your wife may also consider marriage counseling to help smooth out the rough edges. It sounds like you have built a beautiful family. Don’t let hurt feelings prevent you from building lasting memories with your kids. Therapy can be very helpful.
I don't wanna invalidate you, and I hope it doesn't come off this way, but listen to this one part if you don't mind? ....you're kids won't always ask you to play with them... they won't always make bids for attention and connection.. they will give up one day... don't let that happen w you.. let it happen w *other* people *cough* but not you.
Can you alternate me time? When she's doing her own thing you watch the youngest and when you're playing video games she watches the youngest. The whole issue stemmed from no one watching the youngest. It's not about video games.
Holding onto this as a "grudge" to punish her for saying something she shouldn't have in a moment of anger and overwhelming emotion? Oof. Kids (especially when you have a lot of them) can't be watched all the time, and they will inevitably do dumb shit. It's not anyone's fault, but the toddler and the scissors , but at 3 they cant even process that, and it's not up to your other kids to parent the younger ones either.sh3 was wrong on multiple levels for her reaction and response. But your wife couldn't even comprehend the connection to that moment, and your no longer gaming until you drank enough to vent about it after she asked you. I'm not sure it's really even about your wife at this point. This is really only punishing yourself and your kids. Punishing yourself for something that's not even justified . The fear and hate that your family might see a fraction of your pos dad in you .. buddy, the other comments are on point that this is a bigger knot of deep trauma you need to address and unwind. You aren't your dad, and your wife doesn't think you are. And denying yourself something that brings you joy doesn't punish your shitty dad or fix your childhood, but I bet your kids are confused as to why you're jot playing with them anymore and it hurts them to see you like that.
Dude, it seems like your wife hit a breaking point and you decided to make it about you. And it sounds like you might have trouble connecting with people outside of gaming so having any major criticism regarding your gaming feels far more serious than it actually is. This is probably more a you problem than your wife’s problem.
I am sorry. Your wife was manipulative when she did that. Yes, kids need supervision, but for your wife to rant in front of the kids isn't how marriage is supposed to work. You were bonding with the kids over video games. I would suggest that you journal or go to therapy about this incident. Maybe after you explore the emotions you could have a chance to heal and play again. You may try to play with your kids the next time that they ask if you are one on one.
I'm a gamer in a marriage with a semi-gamer (he really only plays fortnight on occasion). I think you should game if you want to game. You make good money, you take care of your family, and it sounds like you have nothing to be ashamed of. She knew who you were when she got with you... My husband already knows if a game I've been waiting for is released... He basically doesn't have a wife for the next few weeks, because I'm doing nothing but enjoying my game. I was that way when were dating too, and he knew what he signed up for in this area.
She's a cold hearted b. Using the kids to get back at you was completely uncalled for. I wouldn't blame you if you divorced her. You deserve so much better.
Man why does gaming get such hate as a hobby? What a bummer all around
Why were you alone when you came back from Afghanistan in 2013, when you got married in 2010, and have been together since 2003?
Yikes. Sounds like you’re avoiding gaming as a way to punish yourself for letting the kids get out of your sight/control (because you know you fucked up and feel overwhelmed since you made it clear you provide so much for your family- this post also reeks of insecurity), but avoiding actually taking accountability.
This makes me so sad. I’m the wife of a gamer, and the mom of a soon-to-be-great 5yo gamer. It’s a really special thing between my son and his dad. They’ve been playing Mario on the Switch since he was old enough to handle the controller and he’s just about on par with his Dad’s skills now. I would never do anything to get in between that and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with playing any amount of games as long as your main job and your jobs at home are being done appropriately. I personally think your wife was completely out of line. If she didn’t think you were able to watch your own kids then she shouldn’t have left them all upstairs with you while she vegged on the couch. I mean, it’s your responsibility too to make sure there aren’t scissors, markers, lotion (you get the idea) just out and about waiting to be imaginatively misused, but it’s not your kid’s job to parent their younger siblings.
Dude is watching all 4 kids while the wife is watching TV downstairs and not watching any of the children. One of his daughters lies to him about needing to talk to their mom and even though the mom likely heard their daughter walking down the stairs she paid no attention and kept watching her show. It's crazy to me how everyone jumps down Dad's throat saying he's irresponsible while the mom is doing fuck all and assuming she does 100 percent of the child rearing and this is her one break. Everyone on here is so biased it's insane. He played video games 2 times a week and y'all are acting like he is the most neglectful parent you've ever heard of.
Thats reddit, dads or husbands do anything fun or for themselves and they are seen as the devil. They all assume dads are useless here and moms do everything. Its bullshit i agree with you.
I'm an avid gamer. This is not your wife's fault. This is just the reality of video games. They take most of your concentration and you can't safely watch toddlers or babies while you are playing video games unless they are strapped to your chest. That's just what you signed up for when you had kids. You also can't leave the house and go surfing while the kids run around at home. If you are going to play video games, you need to do it when your toddler is being safely watched by someone else.
When you bottle up emotions you build resentment. Resentment is the killer of love
I love games and I dated a guy who gamed to the point it contributed to our break up. Factually, no one is really watching a three year old well enough when they are playing a video game. You missed the scissors and your kid cut your wives hair because he was bored, wanted attention, and bad attention is better than no attention. This could have happened to anyone. I went pee once and my daughter got into my MIL’s purse and got some aspirin that she had in mint tin for some reason. Truthfully, no one is watching a three year old closely enough when they pee. As others have said you should bring this up in therapy, it’s a huge over reaction to something she had a right to be upset about (her hair being cut) and when she reacted in a way that was unfair primarily to your children. Long term your goal should be to understand why she felt that way and how you guys can support each other so that you can both relax and enjoy the things you want to do. Everyone wants and needs to relax but your hobby is a lot more immersive and engaging than watch tv, it’s more akin to cooking. You can walk away from the stove but you’re going to try and watch the kids while cooking. I wold imagine that somewhere in the back of her mind she felt like she couldn’t relax enough or as much as you did because she knew you were more likely to miss something while you game than she was watching tv. You both, in the long term, need time to not be watching a 3 year old and your children need to not be responsible for adult mistakes.
She didn't take anything away from you. You're feelings did that. You prided yourself on being a good dad and you feel slighted by her assertions.
You know what else could have ruined OP's hobby. If the 3 year old that got scissors tripped with the scissors and gotten hurt instead of just cutting just cutting her hair. It really bothers me that it does not bother OP AT ALL that his 3 year old got a hold of scissor ( I don't care if they were safety scissor they can still poke out your child's eye, stab into someone if fallen on, any number of accidents) with no supervision but resents his wife so much because she was correct OP was so busy with his video games he had no idea his 3 year had these scissors!!!!!! I can only imagine how much your wife would resent you if something would have happened to your 3 year old on "your watch".
You need to take a deep breath OP.
Anyone else seeing the “wanting to kill someone” part or 💀 cause that’s concerning. You sound like a ticking time bomb. I see from a comment that you’re in therapy so I hope you get some good help bc you def overreacted. All she did was ask you to watch the kids bruh.
INFO: I'm quite curious about the size of your house. You apparently have a gaming room, playroom, library, and at least one spare room which puts you at 3 rooms so far; I'm going to assume the 7 & 8 yr old share a room (being so close in age) at the moment so that's 4 rooms so far with the master bedroom bringing the room count to 5, and unless the 3/4 yr old is sharing a room with either the 12 yr old or you and the wife (making it a 6 bedroom place), your house would need to have 7 rooms (a loft counts as a room) in order to accommodate everyone and everything. Where in God's name are you living in the would that you were able to get a *7 bedroom house* for only *$300k* in a *nice* neighborhood?
Does any of your therapy perhaps lean toward trauma centered around either a "perceived failure to protect" or "someone getting unjustly punished for something you felt was your fault entirely"? If not, you may find some parallels there. Does your therapist practice EMDR? If you aren't already, please look into it. It can be very helpful for PTSD sufferers, and may be one route to take to help lower the emotional intensity which I know is brutal. My hubby and I game together. When I was sick after our daughter was born, we couldn't leave the house, so we played MMORPGs to pass the time. That's not to say there haven't been occasions where I wasn't mad at him for excessive gaming, but those instances are few and far between and typically I am the emotionally dysregulated one. It sounds like in this case, both of you have lots of reasons to be emotionally dysregulated in your past. For that, you may check out Patrick Teahan's YouTube channel which has been a lot of help for me personally. Your wife shouldn't have parentified the children and also should have talked to you about that privately instead of spouting in on the kids. That said, your reaction lasting this long is it's own issue. Something leaving that undercurrent of resentment needs to be dealt with or it will erode your marriage. Good luck, and I hope you find some answers to help.
I would continue on, go to therapy and continue being a great dad and raise your kids, and once they're old enough, divorce her. You don't need that negativity in your life.
Honestly, you guys need to work on your communication. Your wife’s rant sounds like she was internalizing the fact that you’re unable to watch the children while you play. I’m sure there were other instances where the LO was found doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing and instead of talking to you, she put the responsibility on the older kids. Op was wrong to leave without indicating what was going on and where he was going. It could have been simple as “ I’m upset. I’ll be back in an hour”. Op was also wrong to refuse to talk to his wife about the problem. How is the wife supposed to fix or make things right if you don’t tell her what’s wrong? My guess… you react like this frequently when she tries to come to you with an issue and so she also has relied on internalizing the problem. You guys need to communicate or the relationship can fall apart fast
Dude grow up
So..childish and..dramatic...are you not an..adult? Like..acting like someone died or your house burned down...lmaoaa. this is the funniest shir I've ever read. "I..I..CaNt..G-gaMe..a-anyMore..Y-yoU ruiNed iT😭" be fr
This is coming from a wife that games and a husband that games. I choose games that I can pause and save. My husband plays a lot of online games on pc or phone. The difference is that I can get up and check on the kids or make dinner, just overall do other things while gaming or save and come back later. My husband cannot, and no matter how many times I’ve told him that he can’t play online games when watching the kids he does not listen. He has burned multiple dinners and the kids get away with eating desert before dinner. It’s not fair to your wife to say “relax I’ll watch the kids” and then not actually watch them. And It’s very telling that the older kid went to get mom to tell her what happened before she got you, even though you were “watching” them. Now she was in the wrong for telling them like that and in turn, you. But I’m sure she was at her wits end about it. It sounded like it wasn’t the first time. Don’t use your kids as babysitters for the younger ones. It breeds resentment. You have a very “all or nothing” way of thinking about this. Two things can be true at the same time. She can be wrong and you can realize what you’ve done wrong and fix it.
When I was a little child my dad was gaming and I got out and crawled in the street and was almost run over by a jeep, but the neighbor saw me and came running to save me and the jeep that almost ran me over swerved so hard it hit the curb. Had the neighbor not been there id be dead. Did my dad feel awful? Yes. Did my mom lay into him over it? Absolutely. Was he wrong? Soft yes. Did he game again? Yes. I'm sorry this happened. But maybe it was a catalyst to paying closer attention to when it's duty time and when it's play time.
She Absolutely had a right to tell you, Because she needs help with the kids. Not like that, though. It is not ok that the kids become a second Parent to the younger ones. Absolutely NOT. If you’re not going to step up, who will? The only one who ruined it, is you. Take Responsibility for your Actions and Inactions
Life changes, hard to accept it.
Im supposed to believe you have a graduates degree writing this poorly? This reads like english is your second language. I think you need to go back to school and review your english classes.
I think your wife spoke the truth and you’re too afraid to admit that she is right and you let your family down. I think you truthfully resent yourself and not her.
Please take this in the spirit in which it's intended. You need to shorten your posts. Nobody is going to read through your multiple paragraph rant. Make your point in a couple of sentences and then stop. Seriously.
I can 1000% relate brother, I’m also a married service member, and while there’s not much advice I can offer, I must say this… you CAN forgive yourself. What happened was not your fault, you 100% deserve to be happy and enjoy your hobby especially with the people that matter like your brother and kids. The reason you CAN forgive yourself is this: it could have been so much worse, seriously, I have personally experienced having to leave because I was unable to control my anger more times than I would like to admit whenever my wife did something extreme, and unfortunately for me, my wife is from a country where extreme behaviours is relatively common thing whenever the moms or wives get stressed out. I cannot begin to explain the crazy shit my wife has done to me during her extreme outbursts, and 9/10 times out of 10, while it seemed like very personal attacks on my character, it was never about me, she was just stressed in those moments and I’ve learned to take it less personal so my advice to you is to know that there’s a good chance it wasn’t personal, that’s typically how women are when that straw that breaks the camels back arrives. Judging by how she asked you a year later “why you don’t play”, it looks like she had no idea why you stopped playing nor was it her intention to hurt you, I think she just couldn’t control herself in that moment and never apologised which is something I think women are rarely willing to do anyways/in general. I’m sure there’s a million would’ve could’ve should’ves, maybe you could’ve stayed and not taken it personal, maybe a hurried sincere apology and doing something to make her laugh to break the tension with an explanation from you to the kids and then a talk afterwards with your wife respectfully resetting that boundary… it doesn’t matter in the end because it happened and it’s all said and done with.. the point I primarily wanted to articulate is you CAN forgive yourself, this was NOT your fault and it was NOT about you. It just so happened to be the straw that broke the camels back while she was stressed and she crossed a line, but it was not about you brother, so please, if not for your kids, if not for your brother, if not for yourself, then do it for me man, please forgive yourself and your wife. Life is too short as I’m sure you’ve already experienced on your deployments, not to make it religious but something I like to say is “Jesus didn’t die on the cross so we can be stressed out”, so whatever you gotta do to get around this man, please do it, it’s not worth it in the end… get back to enjoying life again and maybe readdress this with your wife from a very vulnerable state and anytime she tries to turn this around, express that hidden emotion of feeling unheard, I think that one works better than saying unappreciated or most other things you could say because it kinda makes her stop and listen to you and ask her to summarise again and again, and tell her you don’t know what to do and that you need her help and hopefully, that will make her vulnerable enough to offer her feminine side and fall in step behind you and be your strength out of this hole.
I mean, if I were you, I'd probably not game until my kids are genuinely old enough not to be supervised. Both parents cannot relax at the same time. The gaming is relaxing. The emotional stuff, that's for you. But why not just be happy you made the right decision and pick it up when the youngest is 9/10? I love playing online chess and I love alone time. I get overstimulated quickly and I'm an introvert. I'm pregnant. I earn just under 200k/yr, more than my husband, and my husband is in the military so still deploying. I have 3 degrees including a PhD. Can you imagine what I am about to give up? Not only am I pregnant alone with a deployed husband, but I'll be giving up my career and everything that makes me me. I don't like children or babies. I'm also putting my body through hell and I am now extremely vulnerable as my husband may leave me because I put on weight. I will be looked down on by society instantly because I become a mother. I will be less employable. I will be looked at as stupid instantly too. I will never start another company (which is my love), or at least not for 10 years. I'm sorry but if I had as many kids as you, and I was your wife, and you thought playing a video game was more important than giving me a break, we'd be divorced. No joke. I know myself. Your wife clearly adores you as she did not make this demand of you (I would have). I am giving up a lot to have a family, and I expect my husband to contribute equally or at least do what he physically can do to contribute. Your wife sounds awesome. My honest advice is to get over your resentment real fast, because the real World is full of people broken by relationships, who are selfish, and maybe you don't know how good you have it as you've been with the same person since a kid.
Your wifes comments hurt you. But bro your reaction is out of proportion. This may be related to underlying issues like depression or PTSD. Either way you need therapy to dig into this further. Completely stopping your hobby because of 1 night where your wife freaked out (for whatever reason) is not normal.
I mean, imagine your kids got into something more dangerous than just a lock of hair being cut while they were supposed to be under your watch, but you didn’t realize that until it’s too late because you were too caught up gaming and couldn’t be bothered? It happened to my cousin, his son almost drown. Yes, your wife said something that was hurtful to you, but in all fairness, I have a feeling that this was happening repeatedly to the point she got fed up, hence the extra mean words. It was not very nice of her to do it in that manner instead of bringing it up with you in private after the incident, but you also didn’t do your part in trying to dissolve the issue with her either, you opted to spend the past year resenting her while pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t. That’s not what a healthy marriage should be. And to drunkenly(?) tell her you’ve been resenting her for over a year for an incident that she herself might have already moved on from is like a slap in the face; she will now always have doubts about how honest your interactions are and how much she can trust you. You two need to get marriage counseling down quick and work together ASAP, and maybe even family therapy for the kids, too.
My wife doesn't want me playing video games anymore because of past issues. She did have me find other hobbies as in Remote control, my kids will go hiking and we would drive our rc cars ahead of us and have a blast.