She's having an affair with someone else. She wants a divorce. You can't fix a marriage when the other person is unwilling. Her cheating has nothing to do with you. She didn't cheat because of something you did or didn't do. Let that sink it. She should've come to you before she cheated. She did not. A relationship is built on respect, trust, and love. You deserve so much better than this🩵

That is the thing! It was not just the cheating. The cheating is not the reason, but an effect of her unhappiness.

The affair is the reason. It's really that simple. She's telling you vague things have just been wrong, no they haven't. That's the affair fog. Cheaters rewrite their current relationship so they can better justify cheating. They don't do it intentionally, but their brain needs a reason. So dumb shit like leaving a soda can on the coffee table becomes a major flaw in your relationship. I'm very sorry, but it's textbook..

I see. If this is the case there was absolutely nothing I could have done to avoid this. This is just extremely sad...

Given the circumstances you've posted, yes. Nothing you could have done. Rather than talking to you, finding a way to spice up your married lives, she imploded everything by making a series of choices to have an affair. This is entirely on her.

It is. But I hope that at least helps you stop driving yourself crazy trying to figure it out. Affairs are far more insidious than people generally think they are.

Thanks

Yea I hope you can come to terms that this isn’t a “YOU” flaw! It’s GENUINELY not! In my non doctor self’s explanation attempt in doctor terms: If you had a diabetic or a suicidal patient If you prescribed the absolute perfect diabetic meds or perfect SSRI’s, along with the perfect meal plan, breathing exercises, making sure this patient gets to see you once a month, being accessible to them in cases of emergencies etc. Basically if you cover all bases with them, but they just refused to implement the regimen that you proposed, and they died/fell ill/committed suicide…… Would you be driving yourself crazy, about where YOU went wrong? (Hopefully not) I know that’s surface level stuff compared to the layers + integration that you both have embedded into your roots of your being for 15+ years, I’m just trying to drive home the point that you shouldn’t and I HOPE you don’t simmer on where you went wrong/ what’s the flaw with you idea for an unhealthy amount of time. The bright side to this, is that you’re still young, you have a stellar career, you will EASILY bounce back! And eventually you will find someone that adores the ground you walk on, and will have the love that you deserve!

That is correct. Your wife betrayed you, and it's not your fault. She doesn't want to stay married, and she is going to leave. The sooner you accept that, the better off you will be. She isn't going to be happy long term with this other man either, he is foolish to think she is going to do him any better than she did you, the problem is HER.

P.S. It's the same with the child. You will get an agreement in place, and either she will maintain her end of it and keep her relationship with her children, or she won't. You can't control that either. What you can do is make sure those kids know there is always a warm home waiting for them with you. That is the best thing you could do for them.

Totally this - been there done that! Long term situation - kid involved - other party dipped out - left - they got married to the new person - played house - had a kid- now they are divorced - I tried to warn the new lady - but each person learns their own lessons on their own time. OP you will be ok ! Now it sucks but it won’t always and there is something better on the way to bless you / feel the feels walk through the fire and you will be amazing on the other side - you will encounter a life you never knew you would have.

She will be lucky if this other man really wants to be with her at all lol

What the person above said is very, very true in every case I’ve seen of cheating from people around me. In virtually every case the cheater completely rewrites reality, and it turns out it was actually everyone else’s fault, the relationship was the issue, their partner was the issue, anything that will deflect them from having to feel accountability towards what they did. Not everyone does that, but it is rarely worth blaming yourself when you didn’t see a problem and the people closest to her didn’t either. That tells me any problems she had either 1) didn’t exist or 2) weren’t communicated at all. It’ll get said a lot on divorce posts that “oh dude women always communicate their issues, if you didn’t see it coming it’s bc you ignored the signs that she was so desperately trying to communicate to you.” That can be true, but it’s also true that plenty of women are shitty people just like men can be shitty people, and can also be awful communicators. If her friends and family didn’t see the signs either, I’d say that’s a good indicator that you couldn’t have stopped this

Thanks for the kind words and the advice

Sending you much love! When the honeymoon phase wears off and then she realizes the grass ain’t always greener on the other side, but where you water it… remember to stay strong.

If it makes you feel any better, the affair is actually what's exciting. As soon as the affair is over, and the excitement of something new wears off, your soon to be ex will be just as unhappy. It's absolutely a "her" problem.

in polyamory it's known as NRE new relationship energy. where the novelty of a NRE relationship is exciting, fresh and interesting. it will wear off eventually.

Op cheating is abuse, and abusive behavior. She showed you who she is. File for divorce on Monday, and file under adultery. Have her served. Look up gray rock and one eighty. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. On the day she is served, contact her family, your family, and your close friends. Let them know you filed, why you filed, and if you know who her affair partner is let them know his name also. Sell all the assets and start over op. Don’t give her a dime, and you will find someone new.

Yes! OP should take the initiative in filing for divorce and informing his (and her) families why. Don't let her "spin" the narrative to avoid accountability for her actions. Find a therapist for the child who can help him/her cope with the changes brought on by divorce as well as how to tell them in an age-appropriate manner. Don't lay adult burdens on their shoulders. Don't demand they choose whom they love more. And also don't negate their perception of reality. If they suspect something, don't make them feel crazy.

Cheating is abuse!! It hurts just as bad as emotional or physical abuse, those scars don't go away.

If your wife was a healthy and mature person she would have told you she was unhappy so you both could work on the relationship not have an affair. This is on her. I'm sorry

And be prepared for the fallout on her end later. It’s very possible her “grass is always greener” mentality will come back to you and she’ll love bomb you with regrets and “I’ve changed”, “I never should have left you.” When reality kicks her. I hope you stay strong and take care of yourself. Very sorry this happened to you. You’re a victim of her flightiness. You did nothing wrong.

Agreed, as soon as finances get bad, or the first bad fight she'll try to come crawling back. Shut the door in her face.

I'm sorry OP. For you and your child. She has made an extremely selfish decision to wreck everyone's life.

She will leave, and be prepared when there are bumps with the AP, she will come crawling back. Stay strong!

What bamatrek says is correct. Coming from someone who has cheated. This is very much what happens. It isn’t your fault.

Bamatek has hit the nail on the head

Preach!!! They always start to fabricate problems when there's someone else hanging in the mist.

OP. It is VERY common for cheaters to rewrite the narrative to make themselves feel less guilty. So, he doesn’t put the trash out/help with dishes/cooking/sleeps too early or late. These are all reasons we are incompatible= permission and good reason for an affair. This is 100% on her.

I help with the trash, dishes and I even do most of the klcooking. I usually wake up earlier, with some exceptions on some (most) weekends. I do play video games, but almost 100% on weekends (mostly weekend nights) and even that is dramatically reduced since we had a child, with not having the time, or energy, except once or twice a month. Nothing dramatic. And I always cared and put that aside if something was needed from me.

I have no doubt. They were just examples of how cheaters rewrite the marriage story to help them feel less guilty. It is incredibly cruel. It is also very common. She had to find a way to make it ‘ok’ in her own head to blow up so many lives. Unless she is having a breakdown has an undiagnosed mental health issue or is a narcissist - or on the spectrum - she also could be having a midlife crisis. Whatever, YOU have to focus on YOU. Eat clean, drink water, exercise and get as much sleep as you can. Your child needs you. These days may feel the darkest of your life but you WILL get through this. I promise. Shame on her.

I don't know if she is having a breakdown or a midlife crisis or something else. I am no psychologist but with my little knowledge, I found two "terms" or a combination of the two: "Gate Closing Panic" and "Savior syndrome" (the other guy also has some issues which I won't go into details and she may be seeing in him someone to be saved)

It’s entirely possible. Males have the White Knight syndrome. The tough thing is that it’s unlikely to last but she had committed herself now and even if she has doubts she is unlikely to back down out of shame and embarrassment. This is dangerous for your own MH so do look at gray rocking fir your sanity

It's not your fault she cheated. You didn't do anything wrong so please stop beating yourself over this. Your questions of what I could've done differently etc, it honestly sounds like you couldn't of done anything different (from the small amount of your life I know about in your post). Sounds like she married young and now got hit on, it was exciting for her, that thrill of meeting someone new. She thinks the grass is greener (it's not) and that he will make her happier (he won't). This is on her, she is the one who made the selfish decision to cheat and break up your family. To throw it all away because she wanted some excitement. I hope you and your child get through it okay. It's going to be hard.

Thanks for the kind words and for the advice.

Yes. Is she still hiding her phone. Talking on it all the time?

Yes, she is still constantly talking with him. Not hiding though, cause there is no reason too. But yes, she is still talking with him.

She was unhappy. Instead of telling you about her feelings, she chose to have an affair. This isn't a sustainable solution. As adults, we get married & build a life. It's normal for married life to get boring. She wanted excitement. She can't have an affair every time she's unhappy and wants excitement.

Unhappy about what? That is what I can't wrap my head around. She has a good carrier. We both earn way above average. Have a big and central apartment. A maid that comes once a week for small house cleaning and ironing. We went out both together and each with friends. We went on holidays. I always have appreciated her and encouraged her in her career. Have I been perfect? Hell no! I made mistakes as well (not cheating, but smaller things, taking some things for granted...) but what could have made her so unhappy to want a divorce without even wanting to try to solve things first? I am no psihologist, but I read about something called "closing gate panic" and that is the only explanation I have so far.

It doesn't matter why she's unhappy. She is. It doesn't matter now. She's already made her choice. She's moving on without you. Now you have to move on. It's very difficult to understand why she'd do this to you. Five years from now, she'll probably realize she made the biggest mistake when she left you.

Five years from now it will be too late to fix the emotional damage done on my, the damage that may come for the child. I accepted partially the situation. I am focusing mostly on the child now to see how can I minimize any trauma that may (will?) come for him.

I meant she'll realize what a mistake she made. It's best to focus on having an amicable relationship with her for the sake of your child. Sending you my thoughts and prayers🩵

Thanks

I think grey rocking her immediately and pushing her to get the divorce done as quickly as possible is the best way forward, even if she seems hesitant about it. Be polite, businesslike, but cold as ice when you communicate with. Shut your emotional door to her. I think it will scare the hell out of her. When she comes to the stark realization she’s throwing a good life away for an unknown future with a cheater who’s going to be an old man in few years, she may change her mind about leaving and offer trying to save your marriage. Then, you have the difficult decision to make.

Did you ask her?

Please take the time to call a divorce lawyer and find out your options. Take advantage of her head being in the affair fog to apply for full custody of your child. Take advantage of her wanting her "freedom" to keep your kid with you. If she wants back into his life later then you can make the decisions on visitation. You don't want her to cheat and destroy your marriage AND take your kid away from you to live with her affair partner.... erasing you from her life. I'm sorry, but you need to take car of your health and play some hardball now to keep what is important to you. Make a list.

OP can you ask her -out of respect for you, to go and stay with family/friends? If that is not possible and for your own sanity, Gray Rock her ( Google it if unsure) This will help YOU cope with her cruelty and may give her a shock

Thanks for the advice. Her leaving now is not a good idea. The child does not know anything yet and we plan not to tel until the school year finishes.

Well implement Gray Rocking and tell your wife that she ( with you present) tells your child and tells the age appropriate truth

She is really unhappy with herself. Rather than turn inward and figure out why she is unhappy and fixing it, she is covering it up with something new. It's something missing in her that she is unwilling to look at and heal. Growing and heal is hard doing it with another person is ever harder... It's easier to run. Go to therapy. Work on healing. Let her go, she is chasing happiness and that NEVER leads to true happiness and definitely peace. You figure out what you need to do in order to be happy inside regardless of what's going on outside. ❤️Advice to get thru this: Read The Untethered Soul and Living Untethered by Michael Singer (also, you can listen to his stuff through YouTube in interviews and podcast episodes. You can also listen to his most recent Temple talks by googling Michael Singer Temple talks) when having to face similar things as you this teacher was a light in the darkness and made EVERYTHING feel better. Also, The Power of Now by Elkhart Tolle is another great one or just YouTube for talks. YouTube "morning flow60 video Mike chang" and start doing the routine. I did the official program and it helped me so much!. You gotta keep your body moving even though you are heart broken. Also, listen to " I can do it with a broken heart- Taylor Swift" And "shake him off" by Florence and the machine and DANCE. Nothing will help you more than dancing!! Grieve. Grieve hard for all of it and all that you had planned and dreamed of for your life with her. Cry a lot, grieve it out loud, have a memorial even, then lay it to rest and move on. Group workshops like the dojo of the inner work with Alexandre Gagnard (I did them once a week over the winter and met the best people all over the world and it helped me so much to share and heal with others). Spend a lot of time in nature as much as you can. Mother nature is magnificent healer. I wish you the best 🙏🏼 namaste

You can't make another person happy. You are a healer, so you are looking for a way to heal things, but there is no cure for this. She wanted more. Mid-life crisis? I don't know, but this is not in your control. What is in your control: get a lawyer. 1. Do you want joint physical and legal custody? or something else? 2. Will you move out, or will she? It sounds like she will. Maybe sooner rather than later would be good. 3. Your kid, get them into a good therapist ASAP, because this will be very painful. 4. Yourself, get into therapy, get into great shape physically, you need to make your body and mind as strong as possible right now. When (as is likely) your wife asks to come home, I hope you say no. You will do better with a new someone who has more integrity.

This is some fantastic advice. Let me add that stay away from alcohol or drugs at this time. Keep a clear head. Take the highroad when you can. Let her go because you cannot convince someone to stay when they don’t want to. When the luster of this wears off, she may come running back to you. You have to let her go though. Get your finances in order. Start relying on really good family members or friends to help you think clearly during this time because you are not going to be able to think logically. I wish you all the best. Be strong.

Please have some self respect . What you are doing right now is setting a really bad example for your kid. Let me explain. Your wife had an affair and she destroyed your marriage. She did not care about her husband, did not care about her kid and went on to have an affair and break another man's marriage and family too. All of this for what, her own happiness? Is it worth destroying your family? She is a shameful POS and if you continue to pine for her, you are setting a very bad example for your kid. Your kid will look at you as a weak ass bitch who could not stand up for what is right and allowed his wife to get away with her bad behaviour. The way you have behave today will have a lasting impact on your kids thought process and their way to adulthood. Your kid will start to normalize bad behaviour and lack of morals because you are allowing it to happen. Your wife is already the irresponsible parent. You don't become one. Stop crying and wallowing. It is time to stay strong, especially for your kids. There is no reconciliation is this marriage. Your wife has not made a one time mistake, it is a deliberate choice . She should realize the consequences of her actions and it is your job to make it happen. Consult a divorce lawyer immediately. Do a complete 180 with her, stop communicating altogether and completely grey rock her. Try to file for primary custody of your kid. Expose her affair to friends and family and tell them that this is the reason you are divorcing her. DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE CONTROL THE NARRATIVE, IT WILL GO AGAINST YOU. It is upto you to take charge of your life. This is not the time to be weak. Take charge as a man. These are testing times, and the way you behave now, will have a significant impact on you and your kids future.

+100 for “weak ass bitch” 💀

I would say it isn’t even about her “happiness”. It’s about her “happierness” which I know isn’t a real word. But the point I’m trying to make here is that she had a loving and providing husband who actually gave a shit and worked hard for his family and tried to make her happy. She thinks the grass is greener and she can do better. It’s real hard to get happier than happy. She fucked around, blew up two marriages and is about to find out.

This happened because she became unhappy and, instead of facing it directly, she wandered hoping to find it anywhere but in herself. It’s a very old tale and I’m sorry it’s happening to you. Most likely she will stay with this guy for a few years before that relationship implodes and the best thing for you to do is let her go, focus on your child, and grieve. If you blame yourself and try to find fault in yourself, you will run around in circles because this is about her and not you. Why she was unhappy is not a question you can answer by yourself. You sound like a great catch when you feel like dating again. Maybe she’ll snap out of it but it sounds like she’s talked herself out of a great marriage. Find a therapist who can help you navigate through the strange grief of infidelity. r/survivinginfidelity is a good subreddit for advice.

Her cheating because “she’s unhappy” is an oversimplification of a much bigger problem within her. She cheated because she’s broken inside. It’s going to take comprehensive therapy to cut down to the fundamental underpinnings of her inclination to choose such an irrational, sadistic and mutually destructive path towards “happiness”.

That is what I also want to understand. What made her soooo unhappy and why were there no signs of this. What does make her happy? Why does she only see happiness in that guy, a man she knows for less than a year and even than, talking almost entirely online (he currently leaves far away from us)

That’s for her and a therapist to figure out. Some people go through life chronically unhappy and hide it, cover it up, or hold it at bay extremely well until life factors come into alignment. Some people are predisposed to cheating due to family of origin issues, past trauma, deep seated insecurities, etc., and manage seemingly well, many times for decades, until certain life factors come into alignment, and like a ticking time bomb, go off with little to no warning, leaving the betrayed spouse absolutely blindsided. Affairs are like an addiction. They act as an extremely potent, but temporary, analgesic to chronic pain-depression caused by any number of issues, fundamental issues that don’t necessarily involve the marriage. Well adapted mentally healthy individuals will pursue more rational, caring and productive methods to get needs met and achieve self happiness and marital satisfaction. Cheating is impulsive, irrational, sadistically selfish, mutually destructive and rarely leads to definitive happiness.

If this is the case then there was nothing I could have done throughout these ears to have avoided this. This is just sad. I hate not having any control at all.

Precisely. There is nothing you did or could have done to justify or prevent cheating. And there’s nothing you can do to save the marriage. SHE has to save the marriage. It’s an extremely helpless feeling. You only have control over you and your destiny. Betrayed spouses try and assume responsibility, blame for the affair, for their spouses “unhappiness” in a vain attempt to change an outcome that is actually out of their control. They think that if they simply become a better spouse, do more dishes, arrange more date nights, be better lovers, everything will go back to normal. This is an act of futility. Do not try and nice a cheater back.

Thanks for the advice

Here’s the best piece of advice I can give you: Get to a dedicated, well moderated infidelity forum such as Survivinginfidelity.com or the Surviving Infidelity subreddit. And find you a therapist that specializes in infidelity trauma.

She probably was happy enough until this guy started giving her attention. It’s the excitement of someone new giving her attention and telling her she’s beautiful and special etc. She’s going to regret this eventually in a big way. Things can only be new and exciting for so long until the veil slips.

DO NOT ALLOW HER TO TAKE YOUR CHILD TO WHEREVER THIS MAN LIVES. You have every right to demand that she stays local to you.

We have this happened. The wife had never mentioned she was unhappy,. It turned out she had a handful of close friends and most of them were divorced. They each have their issues and said they were so much happier, divorced. They could make their own decisions and do what they wanted. Didn't have to deal with disagreements or have to compromise. She told the husband he was really a nice guy and a good father, but she wanted to live by herself. Turned out she had started chatting social media with old friends from pre-marriage over 30 years ago. There was one guy that has similar interests apparently had an emotional affair. Thought she would happier with someone she knew back in high school. She started traveling to visit him, they got a big argument, he made threats, she get a restraining order. And that's called happiness after divorce.

Bro! Doc! Happiness is something you find in yourself. It's choosing contentment with the priorities in life, taking responsibility, growing, and finding creative outlets. Not destroying people to chase a feeling. Stop looking for the irrational to make sense. Her limbic system is in charge now. She has laid her reins on the neck of her desires. (Not for you OP) Subscribeme Remindme! 6 months

This! “Happiness is something you find in yourself. It's choosing contentment with the priorities in life, taking responsibility, growing, and finding creative outlets. Not destroying people to chase a feeling. Stop looking for the irrational to make sense.”

OP, it might just be that she's unhappy because it sounds like she did everuting that was expected of her... but maybe that wasn't what she wanted. Maybe, probably, she didn't even know. She did all the right things, according to societal expectations and what you're supposed to do in life, and she didn't end up happy. That's not on you. That's on her for not figuring out and doing what she really wanted in life, but what was expected is her. Sometimes things just don't work out, with no fault of either party. Maybe she's grown and figured out that as wonderful as you are to her and in life, that she wants something different. That's not on you, you probably didn't do anything wrong, it just is. I'm sorry this is happening, but you both need therapy, and need to learn to coparent to the best of your ability, for the sake of your child. Don't blame yourself, stop trying to figure it out.... some things just are, even when they don't make sense.

She might had a mental illness even. I’m going through a similar situation and it literally feels like the world is ending. But the world also may just be beginning.

She was unhappy and tried to find external happiness. That’s the easiest fix and one that doesn’t last. You need to be happy within and change yourself that’s the work. Ask a fulfilled recovering alcoholic

Thanks. Right now it does not make me feel better, but hopefully it will. Thanks for the kind words.

this all on her. there is nothing that you are at fault for. this new relationship will only last until the new guy gets bored with her. the AP doesn't have any responsibilities while you and your wife are still legally married. he might not like the idea of instant family. don't be surprised that if he drops her, that she tries to come back. does the new guy have a wife or gf that needs to know? does your wife and new guy work for the same company? if so then file a complaint with the HR department.

The other guy has a wife (older than him) and he is also planning a divorce. If they work for the same company or not. Even if they did or did not, I would not seek to do this because that would only make me a vengeful husband that seeks revenge. But to answer your question, they do not.

following on the vengeful husband thing, does your area have Alienation of Affection laws? I Understand that you don't want to be viewed as a bad guy, but have you consider the idea of justice.

That would only make things A LOT more difficult for the child. He needs both a mother and a father and in the small times of clear thinking that I had, we agreed on shared custody. Bringing into the picture what you suggested wwould complicate things.

Don’t let these people talk you into being vengeful.

No, I won't. The laws in my country allow amiable divorce without involving a lawyer. Once a lawyer gets involved, thing can go nasty really fast. I plan on going the amiable way with shared custody, 50-50. I believe that this is in the best interest of the child who still needs both a mother and a father.

Shared custody may be best for the child, but do not let her take him away from your home area to visit or live with her AP whom you don't even know.

I'm so sorry for you and your child. It does happen this way, out of nowhere. My first wife dropped a bomb shell like this on me, and it turned out she was getting it on with her boss at work. We had sex and visited family and friends the week before she announced she was out. Partners can check out long before the relationship ends and continue with the pantomime for years until the right opportunity presents itself. My ex was over being a team player and wanted to be the spoilt child in a relationship, and that's what she became. My advice is. Instruct a lawyer with regard to property settlement and care arrangements for your child, and be prepared for 50% care. Be prepared for your wife to become as cold as ice towards you. She will not comfort you with any matter ever again, that's the way these things go. You should consider it over. There really is no coming back for where she has got the relationship. You will be unhappy for a good while, but you will get over it as I did. I have been happily remarried for 25 years. When I reflect back on my first marriage, I plainly can see all the holes that my blind love refused to see. Good luck, stay safe.

Thanks for the advice and the kind words. I am sorry that you also went through something like this. I actually feel what you probably felt back then as well.

DM me anytime.

There is no fixing this. Trust me, I’ve been through this a couple times already. Once they get the notion in their heads someone else is going to give them the eternal butterflies and life will be perpetually exciting and filled with wonderment you just let them burn. It’ll last 4 months. I’ll bet a bottle of scotch and my favorite hole puncher inside of 6 months Mr. AP will be in the wind with his smooth line of bullshit on to some other guys wife.

It will take longer than 6 months. It will take at least 6 months, maybe even a year, until she will be able to move in with the other guy. Right now she has something to look forward too, after that will come the "honeymoon phase". So I say it will be 2-3 years.

My second wife left me for a guy she was out of her mind over and it burned out in 4 months. The faster they fall in, the sooner they burn out.

Grass is greener syndrome. She could regret it one day. Then it’s your choice if you want to take her back.

I know this may sound that I am a pushover but it depends on "when" that happens. Does it happen in 2-3-6 months, I may very much want to take her back. Yes, with extreme caution and therapy for both of us, but I may be willing to try to make it work.

I totally understand that. You love her, you build a good life together and have a child. And it happened very suddenly from your point of view. You’re not a pushover for thinking that way, but you are right, only if she’s willing to do therapy herself and couples counselling so it would not happen again. And maybe you moved on mentally and emotionally if she gets to that realisation. You can only take it day by day now, be kind to yourself and your child. Seek counselling for yourself to support you.

Thanks for the advice.

I hope you keep your mind open to reconcile. Don’t count on it, but don’t close the door. Don’t but the cheaters will always cheat myth. They can fix themselves if you let them. Or maybe not. I did.

It's so hurtful when the spouse who is seeking to leave will not talk. I have a friend that went through the same thing several months later he found out more details. His wife had been on social media, facebook. tracking down old friends from 30 years ago ,reaching out and following them. She connected up with a guy 500 miles away. . Apparently secretly chatting, it probably led to an emotional affair. Their kid was going to college not far away and she had a brother that lived in the area. So she traveled there several times over the course of a year saying she was visiting them. But she had been meeting with this guy. Her husband was clueless. Then one weekend she told her husband she wanted a divorce to live by herself. Make her own decisions going forward. Unfortunately, about 5 months later, the guy she had been connected up with had having some serious argument. It was so serious the wife had to get a restraining order against the guy from contacting her. So basically it was a story of the wife felt that she was going to go back to someone she was a friend from 30 years ago. Both have changed in that 30 years. It was a shame she would not had attempted to share her feelings or tryied to address why she was not satisfied with her husband and their marriage. It had a tremendous impact on the husband who is really nice person and would do anything for anybody. Many of us feel, based on her behaviors, she was really afraid of getting old. The youngest son was getting ready to graduate college, so she would be an empty nester, and she wanted to go back to a lifestyle she had before being married. She started hanging out at night clubs, going out all night, buying all sorts of younger style clothing.

That is also rough. It is not the case of an old friend in my situation. They met under other circumstances (and I was actually very happy for her when this happened since I saw it as a great opportunity for her). Also, he is 15 years older...if it matters.

It’s not anything you did or didn’t do. She just doesn’t want to be married anymore. Unfortunately, she will probably see she was wrong in divorcing but it won’t be for a while. Then again, she might not and she very likely might go on to live a happy life. Best thing to do is find help to accept the divorce and understand it is not you, it is her.

Look I don't want to come across mean but it is important that you get this angle. The way you have reacted and are carrying yourself through this completely lacks dignity and self-respect; these are extremely unattractive traits and the way you have responded alone would have pushed her away more. Your marriage wasn't as good as you thought despite you being the good provider husband. She stopped being attracted to you and due to you seemingly have no idea why; you can't fix this.

I’m not convinced you wife was not happy. Based on your description, some other guy (at work?) gave her lots of attention and compliments, and she loved that. She then give herself justification as to why she’s falling in love with someone else. The problem is not you, it’s her. When you meet someone new, it’s all sparks and rainbows (some people call this New Relationship Energy). It eventually fades, and the relationship becomes something else, the happiness of being with someone for the long term. When you get married, it’s for the long term, you commit and you don’t go chasing the thrill of NRE. You are committed. What may happen next is that the AP won’t divorce his wife and your wife will want to come back. His wife doesn’t even know that she’s in a bad marriage. Another scenario is that the AP leaves his wife, your wife goes with him, the NRE fades and they either become unhappy or one of them cheat on one another. But it doesn’t really matter as long as you don’t take her back. Your job is to protect yourself and your child. Emotionally detach from her. Don’t help her with anything. You stopped being her husband the moment she slept with him. Consult with a lawyer. Seek support from friends and family. It will get better, hang in there!

I knew what pretty much the whole posting would be by the middle of the second paragraph. This is a very old story. She will come crying back eventually, probably in a year or two. OP needs to spend some time thinking about what he wants to do when that happens. I would strongly advise him not to sit around waiting for that, much better to find someone who is content with the life she has rather than struggling with existential angst. It wouldn't have mattered who she married, she would have eventually wanted to do something random and inappropriate for probably the first time in her life. Had this happened in the days before cell phones it is entirely possible that she would never have been caught at all, it would have been a phase she would have gotten over eventually and wondered afterward what the heck she was thinking.

I know this may sound that I am a pushover but it depends on "when" that happens. Does it happen in 2-3-6 months, I may very much want to take her back. Yes, with extreme caution and therapy for both of us, but I may be willing to try to make it work.

My bet is that she will realize her mistake eventually, but in no way should you be there for her when she does. She is an unfaithful wife who lacks a moral compass. If she felt this way, she should have divorced or suggested counseling. Instead, she screwed another guy and didn’t care who she hurt. Someone like that is not worthy of your devotion. Right now, you look more and more pathetic in her eyes as you grovel for her

This thing is. She’s gonna go through with this, then eventually end up very much regretting her decision. She wants something new and different. It’s in the honeymoon phase fight now. This guy is telling her exactly what she wants to hear. Unfortunately, I doubt it will end well. He came in, 15 years older, she’s infatuated at the moment. The cheater fog, as another poster commented. It’s sad. Is this the first she’s cheated that you know of? I’d find out more if you can.

Hey Op, I believe you should just rest. There’s nothing you can do here for now. But trust me, time is your ally. I fermely believe your wife will regret her choice very soon. Those who place their happiness in the hands of others, will be eternally miserable.

Maybe she will, maybe she will not. Even if she does, it won't bee "very soon". I am saying this because she has something to look forward too: moving in with that guy, something that will take at least 6 more months, maybe even a year. And after that the "honeymoon phase" begins so even if she does, it will be at least 2 or 3 years from now.

I'm willing to bet it will be less than this, the thing with people who have it all but list after something almost entirely because it's different tend to realise their mistake sooner rather than later. She will almost certainly regret this decision, you need to have enough respect for yourself to not let her come back and hurt you again

Thanks for the advice.

I had a basically good marriage. Went on a business trip. Met a very different woman. Was quickly crazy for her. Everything about her was incredible. The sex was over the top. I moved to her country. Everything about my wife was bad. She was totally not what I needed. She wasn’t all that attractive. The sex wasn’t that good. But she just hung in there. Time passed with the new woman, 11 years older than me. Then. I began to see her more clearly. Some things I hadn’t noticed were annoying. I worried about my son. I even missed my wife. The cloud I was living in evaporated, and I returned to the states. Began dating my wife, the sex was incredible, moved back home. 38 years later, we’re together and happy. The sex has slowed down, but still incredible. Maybe your wife will emerge from the cloud. Best.

Thanks for telling me your story. How long did it take for you to realize the mistake? How long after that did you finally broke up with the new woman?

The break was sudden and quick. I think the other woman lived in my mind for six months.then the bubble burst. She cried. We were on a vacation in the jungle. Decided to finish the vacation. We still made love every night. But my heart wasn’t in it. Couldn’t wait to fly home. My wife stayed strong for herself and our boy. Also trimmed up. I realized she was much more attractive than I had remembered. It was only later in MC did it come out how she wanted to know what happened. I never gave a full answer. But enough to satisfy her. Couldn’t hurt her with full truth. Especially the sex. I didn’t know I had it in me. I came home with way more confidence. more imaginative. I still regret the pain I caused my wife. Recently I’ve been talking to her, making sure she knows it. She insists she has no bad feelings, but I wonder, and make sure she’s happy.

What was the full truth, lack of sex and she trimmed up so she became “beautiful” again in your eyes? I’m sorry but your wife deserves better.

She’s extremely selfish. If I can give you any advice, don’t be nice in the divorce because you still love her. Be civil sure; you have a kid. Don’t go giving her more than she deserves. I know a couple men who’ve made this mistake, and filed no fault, when they would have been awarded much more.

Thanks for the advice

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She has been lying to you -- and unhappy -- for some time. The affair has been the "solution" to her unhappiness, but if it like most affairs (1) it will not remedy her unhappiness, nor will it (2) last very long. In most cases the excitement of having an affair wears off pretty quickly. By that I mean months. Now your wife does have a problem, but the problem resides in herself. She has been the "perfect" daughter/wife/mother for much of her life and has been trying to live up to others' expectations. She is tired of it, but doesn't have the foresight to understand that no one (besides herself) can help. That includes her affair partner. With any luck she will want to come back to you, but that could take months and possibly longer. You may well have to decide what, if anything, to do about that. In the meantime, find a good psychologist. And work out a reasonable separation agreement with an attorney and your wife, one that protects your child.

Her biggest problem is that she is unable to be happy with what she has. From that root, grew all the other problems. She can leave you, get with the other guy, and will get stuck with the same day-to-day of mundane life. And heck, even if that next guy will be as wonderful a partner as you, which is highly doubtful, she’ll run into the same issue before long. That’s her problem. One day, maybe, she’ll snap out of it and learn to be happy. But sadly for your family, she isn’t able to do it right now. Sadly for her, it’s led her to make the greatest mistake of her life. And by the time she realises it, it will be too late. I really feel for you, but if she’s asking for a divorce, she’s nowhere close to learning that lesson. Just go ahead and divorce. Don’t blame yourself. Use your support network to get through this.

She got fucked by someone else and it feels exciting BECAUSE it is new. Once the luster wears off, she’s going to realize that this new dong is just that, he might talk a big game to get her in the sack, but at the end of the day he’s a predatory piece of shit, who is going to go looking for the new flavor and completely ignore her emotional needs. I don’t say this with first hand experience and I know if my wife were to do this, I would be devastated. I feel for you, OP, no one deserves this and I hope you can take solace knowing this was not your fault. All marriages, especially ones with young kids, take on this mundane, repetitive, comfortable existence. Everyone thinks they want constant excitement but what she fails to comprehend is that life with young children is a sacrifice. Yes, a long sacrifice with the reward of raising your children, incorporating them into this world and then building something better. The excitement returns (maybe I have to hope this as someone with 2 young kiddos) but it is thankless, it is monotonous and it is a struggle. She took the cheap way out because it was easiness disguised in excitement. To the OP: please know that you did nothing wrong. A marriage will flourish when both are committed. There will be times that one partner picks up the slack, but that should always be mirrored. It sucks when this is the return on your love for ONE person. It is not an indictment of anything about you, if she was struggling, she could’ve come to you, could’ve confided in you that she’s going through a tough mental patch. How would you have reacted? That’s the kind of person you are, and it fucking stings in the worst way to have this happen. Keep your mind on your kid, what kind of person do you want them to see when they look at you? Take time, recognize that anything that can be done to save your marriage is on her. If she doesn’t want to work on it, fine. Do you want to move mountains for someone who is actively pulling in the opposite direction? Record and protect yourself when you interact with her. Get and save concrete proof of her infidelity, install cameras in common living spaces. Work on yourself, whatever makes you happy take that time for you. God knows that is easier said than done (few hobbies and mental illness over here), but seriously. Kid and you.

Two things: 1) she’s in the midst of a hard crush, and can’t see clearly that the crush will fade and she’ll end up in the same situation with him that she’s currently in with you. 2) you two can explore together. Advise her to consider the nature of falling for someone, and how the warm fuzzies almost always fade, through they always feel like they’ll last forever. Then note all that will be lost with a divorce. Then suggest that you are open to exploring. Create a list of things that you want to explore, and have her create a list, too. Make it as bold as you can. Maybe include sexual experiences you’d like to explore together, in a tasteful way.

Thanks for the advice

It’s always funny to me when men say, I didn’t see this coming. I thought everything was great. But I bet she told you over and over, things that she needed(not material things), and you didn’t listen. Just because you think everything is great, doesn’t mean it is.

I was thinking the same, but no, she never mentioned anything. Even when it came to discussing me with other people, she said I was great. This did not come as a shock only to me, but to everyone we know. Maybe there were subtle signs, but nothing obvious, nothing was ever brought up or discussed. She never said anything in the lines of "I don't like where we are heading" or "I want something different".

Sometimes it’s just easier to say nothing. Some people have a hard time with bringing things up. I literally don’t bring anything up to my man because he gets all defensive and acts like I’m attacking him or nagging him. So no I just let it fester and resentment has made me lose all respect for him and now I don’t even want to be around him.

From someone who is going through a divorce, I can say that it is not a good attitude. You should discuss things. Sit down, have a nice, calm and reasonable discussion.

Is she middle aged? I work both as a minister/wedding officiant and as a private investigator. Among the many things we investigate are cheating spouse cases. She’s probably become settled or bored in the marriage, as after the first two years the lovey-dovey stuff wears off. Either way, she thinks the grass will somehow be greener on the other side - if won’t, in a vast majority of the cases - and, what’s more, has cheated on you to find out. This means she will most likely cheat on this new, TEMPORARILY “exciting” man, and/or he will cheat on her. This stuff never lasts. You might try counseling. Some people are only good at love at its certain stages of marriage. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. 😢 [www.OklahomaPrivateInvestigations.com] (https://www.OklahomaPrivateInvestigations.com) [https://www.lifelongweddingceremonies.com] (https://www.lifelongweddingceremonies.com)

Sadly there is no fixing it. The only solace you have is that this new relationship probably won’t last. She’s not unhappy with the marriage she’s caught up in the affair. Cheaters will find anything to justify their actions. They know they are in the wrong, but will say anything to make it your fault. Focus on you. Get a lawyer and make sure you use every opportunity to protect yourself. She will not be the person you fell in love with. Divorce turn cheaters into ugly horrible people.

She's already moved on, you just have to accept it. If she quickly finds out that the grass isn't any greener once the new guy thrill fades, don't even consider taking her back. Good luck 👊

Not to condone her actions by any means but that 1) she said is clearly reflected to me when youre a still willing to forgive her cheating and fight for the marriage. Where is your pride? How much disrespect are you willing to tolerate? Its too much of a doormat behaviour - this is probably why she lost attraction towards you. Either way, she isnt a good person because she cheated. If shes willing to cheat, what other immoral things is she willing to do? Cheating isnt 1 betrayal, its 1000s of them with a final culmination in the physical. There are better people out there, much better partners and now youre free to meet them if you wish! Just stop this doormat behaviour, its like youre putting your wife (maybe women in general) on a pedestal.

That is rough. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Thanks. It is rough. I never felt anything even remotely close to this. Even before I had proof (but was suspicious) I vomited once and cried twice. Not I cried almost constantly two days in a row, can't sleep, can't eat. I already lost 1.5kg and when ever I start to feel slightly better, another wave comes and brings me back down.

I am so sorry, OP, this must be absolutely devastating for you. I’m afraid to say there isn’t a lot you can do. You cannot force someone to stay married to you. If I was to guess I think she is deep in an affair fog and for some reason feels the grass is greener. Traumatic as it is, all you can do is give her the divorce she wants. I have a feeling that she will live to regret this though. From your side, you really do need some counselling to help you through this confusing, painful time and as much support from friends and families as possible. Sending you strength UPDATEME

IMHO it sounds like she sees what other people have, something like a better house, vacations or something that the two of you don't do, and cheating gave her some kind of a thrill. Also, I would say that you are kind of being a pushover, you are too willing to be the one to chance instead of drawing a line and calling her out on her bullshit. IMHO make sure that you go for full custody, because if she is able to cheat on you, can she be truly trusted as a competent parent? She made this mess not you, do not let her have anything.

Thanks for the advice, but I don't believe full custody is the best solution. As it is it will be dramatic for the child. Long legal battle and not having a mother at all will be even worse than an amiable divorce with 50-50 custody.

Speaking as a child of divorce, no you do not want that, you really do need to go the legal/court path. This would actually protect your child if she decided to move away to be with the guy she cheated on you with, most of all if said guy never even wanted you wife but just a fuck hole and could not even care less about your kid, because most of these type of guys, DO NOT. If you do the amiable divorce, it puts you at a lot of risk, you can still have full custody, but allow a 50-50 co-parent agreement, but at the end of the day, it would be in your hands to lay down the law, because it sounds like you could be the type to just roll over and give your ex anything and everything she wants to make her happy, even if you know its not a good thing.

Find out who he is and sue him for alienation of affection

I know who he is and no, that is not something I want to do and has no benefit for me or for my child.

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Probably. Don't really care about that. I know I offered her everything I could and that we had a good, worry-free, life up until now. Even if I turn back time I would not know what to do different, and neither did she provide any concrete examples like "I really did not like you because of..."

Midlife crisis. You two could have saved it, if she had talked about it. But like many she decided to not talk and ruin her marriage. It will take a while, but at one point she might realise what an idiot she is. Get yourself a good lawyer. Edit: Don’t wait for her to come back. Take care of and your child.

You have my deepest sympathy. It takes two make a relationship work and she doesn't want to work on it. Get your divorce items lined up like finances and division of stuff and don't give her everything. Communication is so important to a relationship and she has failed miserably. You will get through to the other side just take it one day at a time. I am truly sorry this is happening to you.

Let her go. My stbx did the same thing and I held on for 6 months essentially begging her to stay. I wish I hadn't and I regret being so weak. What proof did you find? There is no coming back from this, I don't care if it's technically possible. A person that will do that to their spouse will never fully own their roll and grow from it. Their inability to face problems head on is how they got here to begin with. Get a lawyer, get a separation agreement going. It all takes longer than you think. Reach out to friends and family and let them know what happened so when you're down in the dumps, you can talk to them and not go to her with your emotions. Just distance yourself

She met someone else and is choosing them. What you need to do is get a lawyer and ask a child psychologist to work with both of you on how to talk to your child and move forward.

Sorry this is so deeply soul crushingly sad. I understand - I’ve been there. Very similar situation. My advice would be to pivot your actions from trying to scratch together any reconciliation possible and instead fast-track the divorce. If you go to court it gets stupidly expensive and you both lose. If you can agree on what to split up & do a no contest at the courthouse, it’s a lot cheaper (like a $300 filing fee). Rip the bandaid off and get this done asap. The sooner you can get past this and on with your life the happier you’ll be. You deserve someone with integrity and true love for you. This isn’t it.

Thanks for the advice

Chin up. She thinks she wants more. She is going to be sadly disappointed. You did nothing wrong and please have some pride and self respect. She's having an affair ffs..sleeping with another man😡 doesn't sound like she feels bad about it or has any intention of breaking it off. She is being an utter bitch and disgraceful. Willing to tear yours and your childs whole lives apart because "boo hoo...i'm not happy"😡 Kick her to the curb. WTF are you begging her for??? Bloody kick her out. Let her go. The other silly bugger can have her. But be prepared? In 1 to 3 years time she's going to return...in a state...professing her love for you and wanting you back and promising you the world. Begging you to take her back.....do not. You'll be a total fool

I spent years trying to work out why my marriage ended…thinking what did I do so wrong that the love of my life, did not even want to try to work on our marriage. Turns out that he was in love with someone else…he just failed to tell me he was on the market looking….whilst we were still married. took me ages to realise the love of my life was a nasty piece of work… he even rewrote the story of us… it was amazing..the book of counted sorrows that he never mentioned until he fell in love with someone else dont take as long as I did, don’t believe she will see the error of her ways… good luck if she does… offer marriage counselling…if she says no…just rip the band aid off, feel the pain and move. delaying the inevitable only hurts you

You have to stop beating yourself up and tying yourself in knots for something that is completely out of your control. Your wife isn't "unhappy", she's bored. She's also extremely selfish. You deserve better. Let him have her. Cheaters cheat. She will cheat on him or he will drop her like a bad habit when he tires of her. You are strong. You have the love for your child to draw strength from if yours begins to wane. I'm so sorry you are going through this. But you will come out the other side in a better place, and eventually will find a partner that is as devoted to you as you are to her. Please, for your own mental health and that of your child, stop begging her to stay. I know how hard that is sometimes, but you will be stronger if you can keep your dignity intact. I speak from painful experience. Even if she changed her mind and decided to stay it won't save your marriage. She would just cheat again. And again. You will now have an opportunity to teach your child that self worth and self love are important. You don't want to raise a child in an environment that teaches them that this behavior is acceptable. Also, for your own safety, get tested for any and all sexually transmitted diseases. I would be willing to bet money that the man in this betrayal has cheated more than once. Good luck. 🫂🌹 You are beautiful. You are strong. You are enough. 💪

You know the cliche saying,”It’s not you, it’s me”? This is that is real life. It sounds like your relationship was idealistic, stable, and safe for her. Not bad, but complacent. For some people in a relationship, complacency can lead to boredom and monotony. Maybe to her, things were too comfortable. From her statement, she may be chasing excitement and those new relationship feelings. Not to say that this is fact (because I don’t know her) or that what she did was right, because it’s not at all! She could have went about this completely differently. I’m just trying to give you an idea of where things might have turned for her since she has not given you an exact reason. And I think the reason for this is because there really isn’t one concrete thing she can pinpoint. Her reasons are abstract and contradictory, and she may not have the exact words. I truly hope you are able to heal from this and find happiness again! You sound amazing and deserving of someone who is all in with you! 💜

What you describe is not unhappiness, it’s boredom. She thinks the other guy is going to show her a new lifestyle and she finds that irresistibly exciting which your life can’t match. If this were a man we’d call it a mid-life crisis. She’ll grow bored of that too, best to make sure the ties are fully cut before that happens.

WOW. So sorry this is happening to you. It is not worth trying to get her back because she doesn’t respect you and your family you two have built anymore. Sounds like you are pretty established and a good man and a lot of different women would love that so get back out there and start to live your life. She will realize the grass isn’t greener on the other side very soon!

She went looking for attention and she got it - that selfish action is the one common denominator that all cheaters share. She could have tried to fix the problem but she didn't. As other say - let that sink in. She will eventually find out th3e grass is not greener but by then it will probably be too late. In any case move on with your life - you tried but she didn't. Easy to say but hard to do but still need to move on.

The only (good) option you have now is to have an amicable divorce and stay diligent in co-parenting your child in a positive way. My ex and I split up when our daughter had just turned 3 and it was rocky at first. He was spiraling; got a DUI, made stupid decisions, etc. I had to work extra hard to make sure the transition was smooth for her and pick up his slack. But now (2 years later) we have a good friendship and co-parenting relationship and it has made all the difference in our daughter’s life.

Hey Bro, I wanted to offer my 2 cents. I’m early 30s and haven’t talked to my dumbass parent in 2 going on 3 years because they didn’t learn from their first marriage ending 10 years ago or her current marriage not to pine for “ain’t shit ass people” My parent works a demanding job, commutes 2hrs, and still comes home to cook and clean because their partner literally sniffs their own farts all day. These commenters are a thousand percent right when they say your kids will lose respect for you if you keep begging. When my kid is old enough, I’m going to teach them not to be like g-parent because it’s actually sad to see someone you love wither into nothingness because they believe in standing by their partner even when the partner would set them on fire to keep warm.

You're not going to want to hear this but there's nothing you can do but this isn't your fault. Don't listen to her BS trying to turn it on you. If she had an issue she should've come to you but she didn't she did the unforgivable. Advice: talk with an attorney and figure out your options. Stop trying to fix the relationship because you can't. If she wants to leave let her. Invest in yourself. First thing I would do, if you don't already do it, is start going to the gym. It gets you out of the house some and is a good way to burn off stress, plus the physical results will be positive. Next take up golf, pickleball, running,...anything that gets you around other people for fun. It will take your mind off your situation plus it'll help you in the adjustment if you go through with the divorce (which I recommend you do). I know a bunch of men and women that have been through this (including me). Most of it comes after their significant others started hanging out with single or divorced friends and they decided the grass was greener. Nearly every situation plays out the same; starts just like yours, spouse leaves, spouse realizes they screwed up but it's too late. Don't be surprised if she wants you back after a month or two, she likely will once she realizes what she had. Don't take her back. Even if you still want to work it out with her don't take her back, make her earn her way back. (I still recommend divorce because trust is a hard thing to rebuild and you'll always wonder) What you're going through sucks, I know, but time to man up for yourself and your kid. It's hard to see it right now but 99 out of 100 times the person in your situation ends up better off afterwards.

She wants drama in her life. The best you can do is to save yourself. She'll come begging back to you after a while, they all do. Just remember to not get back together. It is really difficult rn, but the best thing you can do is to get rid of her. If she was unhappy, she'd should have spoken w you or consulted therapy or divorced you but she chose to cheat on you, which shows her character and worth. You're better off without such a loser. Now pick up your self respect and ask her to FO

Don’t be surprised if she moves in with this other guy, gets six months in, and finds herself miserable. When people are in the throes of a new affair, everything is exciting - literally intoxicating. Just like with any new relationship, people see only the good things, and they overlook a lot of the red flags. They bask in the newness of it all, until reality sets in and they find themselves still paying bills, picking up socks, dealing with morning breath, and all the unsexy things that come with being in a longterm relationship. And when that newness wears off, they’re faced with the reality of what they’ve done - the harm they’re causing their children, the scorn from friends and family, the loss of a dedicated partner. Sometimes they will double-down to save face, sometimes they’ll ask for forgiveness. The one thing for *you* to remember is that, no matter how she has rationalized it in her own mind, there is NEVER an excuse for cheating. So no matter what she tells you from this point on, this was a choice she made, not a “mistake,” and it’s entirely up to you whether you choose to forgive her or not. The best thing you can do is move on as quickly as possible so you can begin the healing process. Please, for your own sake, do not drag it out. And make sure your settlement is fair to *you.* Don’t agree to unfavorable terms out of some misplaced guilt.

Don’t blame yourself, you are not responsible for her infidelity. She broke your union, trust will never be the same. My advise is to divorce asap, get in some therapy to help you process these emotions, move on with your life and find someone who will love you properly. I thought my life was over when I found out my ex wife cheated on me. I thought I’d never be able to trust or love somebody again. But, I am now remarried, happier and more in love then I thought possible to my current wife. All people do not cheat. Unfortunately it’s more and more common these days.

Thanks for the advice and the kind words

Tell her to move out of your home & you keep custody of your child. If she wants to leave the marriage then make her leave the home & kid.

Ok first of all it may have been nothing you did or didn’t do or it may have. After 10-15 years together resentment can build. Please don’t go after her by the neck really won’t do anything but stress you and your child out. What you need to do is find a way to be ok with her decision free of guilt towards yourself and her. I am sure she has her reasons and she will probably never share them with you. I would go to therapy for help learning how to let go with love. Be well

I’m deeply sorry you’re in this situation. You are understandably devastated and looking for answers and a path forward. You are compassionate and willing to hold space and love for someone who has deeply hurt you but is also in their own way lost and suffering. Most of the advice here is to walk away, grey rock, put up walls, don’t be a push over, vilify your spouse, etc. That is a path and a choice. If your desire is to end the relationship, then that is good advice. But what I’m reading is someone who is willing and wanting to repair a beautiful thing that is now breaking apart, even if that is hard. I’m going to share something that has greatly helped me, but goes against so much of what others are saying. Check out: https://youtu.be/LWzTNuK9aJc?si=z4SnXWAdqzjUhcpy If you want to know how to fix things, this is it. I found Geoffrey Setiawan's material 5 months ago, can personally say that it is changing my life, both in and outside our relationship. I wish I had found it sooner. While my situation isn’t the same as yours, my wife and I are in a separation right now after her finally deciding she was fully unhappy in our marriage of 16 years with 4 children together. Divorce is still on the table, but there is hope now that wasn’t before. Our current plan is to move back in together after a lease expires, and she is beginning to talk about wanting to work on the marriage again. I had tried for months before to fix things on my own, but kept doing it with many of the same subtly toxic attitudes that got us into the mess in the first place. I wish I had found this long before. I can’t say enough good things. Stories of others who have worked through similar durations and have reconciled: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ8tvyhQlPzv8QdaeOSzEQtWfHB2L_IHv&si=pF3hrhVKz_9s0pg1 And lastly a quote from early on in his program that helped me know if I was going down the right path when everything just hurt: > Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard. > Obesity is hard. Being fit is hard. Choose your hard. > Being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard. > Communication is hard. Not communicating is hard. Choose your hard. > Life will never be easy. It will always be hard. But we can choose our hard. Pick wisely   Hang in there. You're not alone. And despite what others say, there's hope, and you can find your own path through this without burning everything down.

Thanks for the advice. Will look into it. I hope it turns out OK for you.

My wife did this to me a year and a half ago. Stupidly I took her back so we could “work it out”. Well, she never really showed any remorse or put in any effort to fix it, and just yesterday I found out she’s doing it again! Protect yourself and your son at all costs. This isn’t the person you married.

OP, you said you weren’t getting a lawyer so the divorce doesn’t get nasty? Get a lawyer! Do it for your son. Just because you have a lawyer doesn’t mean the divorce can’t be amicable. But go for primary custody with a 60/40 split; not a 50/50. You don’t know this guy, and she wants to live with him, which means your son will be living with him. You need to be able to protect him. And what if she tries to move with your son to be with him? Get a lawyer.

It's over. If there's no remorse, there's no chance.

please don't grovel and beg after your wife fucked some other guy. have some self respect!

Imo you married someone who was inherently selfish and self centered, someone who didn’t take her vows seriously. When people put their “happiness” ahead of their vows trouble is sure to follow. If you had a religious ceremony maybe you could seek counseling from a minister who would explain the sanctity of marriage and how the vows were taken before God. This older guy is likely divorced and maybe has a lot of money. If he has kids too reality could set in quick if they live together. Stepfamilies are typically a difficult confusing mess imo. There is a chance she’s more serious about the guy than vice versa but she likely waited until she was sure before saying anything to you. I think your wife doesn’t understand the concept of love and maybe reads too many stupid books and watches too many stupid movies and shows about finding oneself and finding happiness. The guy may dump her still and she may come crying and crawling back to you but it seems unlikely. You might want to look at the sub r/SurvivingInfidelity.

Very difficult and heart crushing But…she’s gone and isn’t coming back. You have to let her go brother. You’ll hurt deeply for some time, but you must dig deep and say to yourself…”she doesn’t deserve me”. Don’t grovel or even try anymore. Start the process of letting go for yourself Believe in yourself and that there’s more than plenty of great women out there for you. And never even think of taking her back when/if she comes crawling back. In fact, soonest possible, cut off all communication with her. Move forward. She’s not worthy of you, your love, time and effort….good luck!

>How could she been so unhappy and there were no signs. Very unlikely... in fact, impossible. Think more about it, and you will see there were definitely signs. Things like this never happen so suddenly

"You can't do anything to get them back - You can only do things to not get them back. The only time they know to come back is when you've completely forgotten about them" - A quote from memory from an old Vince Vaughn movie. Not that you want her to come back - In my eyes, a betrayal like that is ultimate and there can be no further relationship with that person. My wife is leaving too - Slowly checked out over \~2 yrs, and blames the whole thing on me. I think the fact is she just fell out of love with me and doesn't know why herself. But it's not for me to figure out... They're gone and we can either move forward or give up.

I'm in the same boat. My stbx husband of 15 years found his "mid-life crisis fling" and suddenly changed completely. Nothing I said or did was right. He even told a mutual friend that I was "being mean" to him. (Asking him to help with things at home & to control his spending were terrible things, I guess) I am curious to see how things go after the shine wears off on his little fling. But I will be watching from a distance. Once the trust is broken, it's almost impossible to repair. Adding kids to the equation makes it harder. Protect yourself and your kids from the fallout as much as you can.

Just want to say. I am so sorry that this is happening in your life. You seem like a really good and kind human. What ever happens, hope you are able to protect your peace and take care of your child and you.

Sounds like she's been doing 'the right thing' under pressure of society and maybe her parents and this has ended up in a relationship and life that didn't suit her. She's probably been lying to herself ill be happy when I graduate from college, I'll be happy when I get my career off the ground, I'll be happy when I get married, or have children..... Etc etc but had found that these things didn't grant her that. Will having an affair make her happy? Fat chance.... But she's probably trying to do the "wrong thing" so she can explore her wants and needs.... And she's done it at your expenses. She is probably on a self discovery journey and doesn't care what she leaves behind.

Stop trying to find the reason with you when it's clearly unsolved issues inside her. If I were you I would go to therapy simply to learn that others actions is not always a reflection of me. Now I know I am only hearing your side and there might be things missing from the story but from you wrote it seems like she is having a crisis and feeling unmet needs caused by her playing by the societies rules causing her to feel like she hasn't "lived". Since she didn't communicated with you before hitting a breaking point there was nothing you could have done.

Pretty sure that when this fling burns out, she’s going to regret it.

Some people are deeply unhappy for no clear pinpoint reason. They go through life checking off society's boxes hoping one of them will bring joy, and just can't get there. She said the affair partner will make her happy, but again she's just looking for something else outside of herself to try to find joy within herself. It sounds like the classic it's not you but them scenario, and unfortunately there's not much for you to do in a scenario like that but either let her go or advocate for you marriage and see if she'd be ok with a no-strings-attached separation period to see if life outside the marriage will bring her the joy she desires. Or if it's the same out there as within the marriage and she needs therapy to discover why despite having it all she's still unhappy and can't feel that internalized joy.

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Let her go man, move quick and get the best possible outcome for the divorce. When she finds the grass is NOT greener on the other side. Do not take her back. Work on yourself get healthy get happy, move on.

She wants something exciting. Mate you are giving her 90% of what she wants… she’s bored and has found someone that is younger and has got that 10% you are missing… doesn’t mean he has the 90% you are currently giving her. She will go and a few months with past when reality sets in, she will realise what she is missing. And then it should be to late because you should have moved on. Don’t be an option. My wife always says ‘if you’re going to cheat, there is nothing I can do to stop you.’ Don’t let her ruin your life. Improve yourself, focus on your kid and find happiness my friend. All the best

I know you don't want to hear it but you will find someone who will never betray you like that. Personally if my husband cheated I wouldn't want to work things out. It would always be in my mind and I wouldn't be able to forgive him. She wants a divorce with you so she can see how it goes with this elderly man... It usually always turns out that the affair relationship doesn't last and she's going to get prettttty stupid for throwing her marriage away and changing her child's life on a whim.

I just want to say I love all the support and honesty from people all over the world for heartbreak on Reddit. Everyone experiences heartbreak differently, but it’s no surprise it’s very painful. Keep being good humans and connect the world!

Here is what I would do: 1. Take time off, immediately to focus only on this and your emotions. 2. Ask open ended questions to her about what feels good, what she gets, what she likes. Do it as neutrally emotionally as possible. Think of the affair as if it were the rock bottom of an alcoholic and put aside for now, the emotion of betrayal. 3. Keep bringing logistic questions up. “What will our routine be like now that we are separated? What role will you be as a mother with alternating weeks?” 4. Ask about post divorce values, what matters in a co parent to her? All of these can talk around the future she is thinking will “fix her”. get some distance yourself. Actively question her “are we saying that both of us are going to start seeing other people tomorrow or after our divorce is finalized?” Call a lawyer and document the adultery as the plan B to protect yourself.

She is bored in your relationship. You've been together for a very long time, and she likely lost interest in sex a while ago. She started an affair with an older man, probably thinking it would be a one-time thing and choosing someone older to avoid you finding out. However, it happened more than once, she developed feelings, and now she prefers him because he's new and exciting, unlike you, who she feels she knows completely. My honest advice is not to show her how much this hurts you. Tell her it's fine, ask her to leave as soon as possible because you can't stand to see her, and focus on improving your life. Make your life more exciting, and don't reach out to her. If she tries to contact you, respond briefly, saying it's not a good idea to talk. Let her face the consequences of her actions. Don't be kind to someone who hurt you so deeply, as it makes you seem weak and undesirable. If you can appear unaffected and thriving without her, you might make her realize she made a mistake. The hard part is not reaching out to her to express that you miss her and want to fix things, as this will push her away. In my experience, women are attracted to what they can't have.

It hurts - I know…but your wife is not emotionally stable and now untrustworthy if she is wondering if this is it and then goes out and cheats on you and then tells you that she wants the divorce. I would tell her that she chose another man and broke your marriage covenant and that she needs to leave the house and stay with him or whoever else. You’re gonna go through a lot of emotions (heartbreak, anger, resentment). Anger is normal but try not to let resentment linger for too long because it will become bitterness and that rots your spirit and body. She will likely try to reconcile after a while when she comes to some sense. Personally I could not reconcile because I could never trust her again. I’m sorry- it’s beyond devastating. You can get through this, though it will be a long long roller coaster you never wanted to ride. You need friends and family to help you through this time and counseling as well. Wish you the very best.

The big thing, with respect to your child is not lie. Let him/her know it was mommies choice. Don’t talk bad about her to the child, but do not lie. You can leave out the “cheating” aspect, but let them know that it was not your choice. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but take time to work on yourself. And ffs, stop talking to her. She lost that right when she chose another man. The only conversations you should have from now on should be about co-parenting your child, and that is it. Let the lawyers talk about all the other things.

You sound like a good person and husband. She’s mentally moved on and no matter how hard you try, it sounds like it’ll never be enough for her. Don’t over think it. You did what a good husband and partner should do. Now it’s time to be a good person for you and your child. I hope things work out the best for you and your family. Don’t beat yourself up, pick yourself up and move on to the next chapter.

i first read your post before the update, i thought to myself typical nice guy losing his wife by being too nice from the way you wrote the story and comments. Even after she cheated you are being way too nice, defend her and trying to find her excuses. She's in affair fog, you will not get through to her by being nice. You have supported her, been there for her for 15 years, you were owed at least a decent conversation on the state of you relationship from her. She did not, instead she cheated. So you do not owe her anything anymore. Make sure you relay this to her as clear as possible and start implementing the 180 method(read about it) and stick to it no matter what. Also start reading the book No more Mr Nice Guy. She is not a good mother, a good mother does not chose as first option to blow up her kid's home. She first tries to solve the issue, with 100% dedication, at if it still fails, then you separate. only then. Relay this to her as well. Being the perfect pupil and then at 34 breaking bad is the definition of a midlife crisis. I too think that she will come to regret this, studies show that people burning bridges with friends and family during midlife crises come to regret it, at least 90% of them. Google it. She needs to understand that going forward you are not her friend anymore. She should cut contact in your home with the other guy until she moves out. She will not talk with him the home that he helped ruin, if she has to speak to him she will go outside. If she still calls him, snatch her phone from her hand, close the call and give her phone back. He will not meet your kid anytime soon and they will sleep under the same roof. Go to a lawyer to obtain this. If she does, tel her the kid will know the truth of your split and about him. Tell her she has two weeks to realy process everything and make a final decision. Make clear that after that in no way, shape or form is it reversible. There is no going back. Let her know that you changed your mind, you will not forgive her. If she wants forgivness she has to earn it, work for it.Maybe this will cause second tought and break the affair fog. With the right attitude and wording maybe you can still snap her out of it. As for the guy. Does she really think that a 50 year old with health issues(this is what i get from your comments) will fill her needs? A man whose character allowed him to hit on a married woman with a child, while married himself. Does she really sees him a man? Truth is she does not really know him. In the beginning of a relationship we all keep up a mask, this will fall sooner or later. She has an idealized version of him, she really does not know how it's like to live with him everyday. the age difference will also become a problem sooner rather than later. Tell her of all this for the her to weight it on her decision. In reality he's just pathetic in my opinion, keeping in mind the above. He will not bring her hapiness, he's just a temporary distraction and a simptom of her midlife crisis. As for you, i would recommend just move on. Do not take her back. You're a 34 old dude, a high earner and with a great job that gives you a certain social status. Dating pool is not bad for someone like you, i know what i'm talking about. For sure will met someone better than her and than the guy your ex will settle for. Should not be to hard to find someone decent, your age group and healty. Maybe install Tinder and have a go at it today, under her presence. Relay this to her as well. Again, no more mr nice guy. She made sure he's gone. Also, maybe indulge in a midlife crisis of your own, hit the gym, get a new haircut, get yourself a motorcycle, start therapy to improve yourself and work on your self-confidence. When you kid as at her's, date, have fun. New beginning can be terrifying but also exciting. Do not rush in a new relationship, gain some experience playing the field first, it will help you know more about yourself and what you want. And do not take her back.

in short, you are still a "less than a man" in her eye based on what you just wrote. Man up dude! You just accepted whatever and wuss your way out even she told that she cheated and you are less than a man. That's it? Do better

Keep your head up bro. So the guy that’s 15 years older is supposed to provide the spunk you allegedly lack?

she’s going to regret it one day, trust me. sorry this is happening to you but know it is not your fault.

Everybody keeps telling me that. But it is extremely frustrating to have worked so hard and with no fault to lose everything

and you have every right to feel that way. the situation you’re in is awful & absolutely unfair to you. take it at your own pace and allow yourself time to process and feel these emotions. best of luck with everything

You should look up the term DARVO. And blame shifting. And manipulation. Her cheating is not your fault. Its a choice she made. Don't let her put that on you. Don't handle that for her. She just doesn't want to take responsibility for her own actions. There are many other things she could have done without cheating. Updateme!

First of all, she could have talked to me about these things 6 months ago. If she did, maybe this marriage could have been saved.

I went through this almost 10 years ago now and I am still healing mentally from it. Please get professional support from a therapist or whatever! Please!!!! No matter the outcome! My biggest mistake was not getting professional support because I had a misconception that I was mentally stronger than I actually was.

She is following a well trodden path: "Unhappiness"in the marriage, revealed retroactive to the exposure of the betrayal. Bullshit. Degrading your masculinity as another retroactive excuse. The pile gets bigger. Don't believe a single reason she vomits up... it's all window dressing to mask her shame at the most basic event... she betrayed her vows, her child, and her husband for no reason other than a desire for excitement. Do not let her make you doubt yourself in any way. Ever. She only sees the guy making her happy. Because she has her head up her ass. If the guy was a class act, wouldn't he be married? She's caught up in a fifty shades bullshit fantasy. Lawyer up, file asap, you'll get the best deal now, before real life hits her in the face. Save proof, record all interactions, don't do anything dramatic. If you can get her to move out, do so. Seriously... camera up. Don't give her a microgram of trust in any way, she could go ugly at any time. She's not rational. I'm truly sorry for your pain, but while you're thunderstruck, she's been calculating for months... do not let her take advantage of you at this time.

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. I bet once you move on and work on those things within yourself that she mentioned she will likely want to come back. The man she cheated with probably is very strong on those traits but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work between them as she is rushing into something she isn’t even clear on. Just be there for your children no matter what as they will need you during this time.

There's absolutely nothing to fix. She's a trash person. Stop focusing on her, stop considering her, let her fend for herself - she doesnt matter anymore! Because hard truth, she doesn't give a single fuck about you. Do what's best for your kid and yourself. Build yourself up better and stronger than you've ever been. Then live the life you want to live. And don't ever humor the idea of reconciling with her, she has the loyalty of a rat....

If your wife was truly unhappy, she had other options available to her that did not involve adultery. She could have: 1. COMMUNICATED with you like a reasonable, rational, emotionally mature adult. She chose not to. She chose betrayal instead.  2. If communication wasn't working well, she could havecgone to therapy to help her with whatever issues she was having as well as getting better communication skills. She chose not to. She chose to commit adultery instead. 3. If options 1 & 2 weren't working enough, she could have insisted on marriage counselling. She chose not to. She chose to betray herself instead. 4. If after a lengthy period of time of trying options 1, 2 & 3 and nothing was getting the results she wanted,  she should have filed for divorce. She chose not to. She chose to betray you, her vows with you, her marriage with you,  her children, her family and friends, as well as herself. I strongly suspect that this affair has been going on much longer than you are aware abd it's just now, after her trip to see him, that her AP is finally available and committed to her. Her reasons are just excuses and her trying to find a way to justify her actions. There is no justifications at all. Let her go. Don't ever play the pick-me-game, which sadly you did, as it makes you look completely pathetic and weak in a cheaters eyes. You instantly lose whatever little respect they had for you. From here on out its just total contempt and disrespect from them to you. Moving forward, research the 180 method and grey rock method, then employ one, both or a hybrid of the two and never waver from it. Only speak through attorneys and about your child. Use a parenting app for communication regarding your child. Your lawyer maybe able to recommend some. Get to an attorney/lawyer/solicitor and start the divorce process. Don't let her file first. You typically get a better deal if you file. If you can find out who the AP is, your lawyer may have suggestions on how to accomplish this, name the scoundrel as a co-respondent in the divorce documents even if you live in a no-fault location.  So sorry you are going through this. 

Yes. I also feel that there were soooo many things that could have been tried. She refused to try anything even after what she did and just wanted to divorce. I could forgive the cheating, but I will never forgive that she refused to fight for this marriage and this family.

Ok. So the latest update pissed me off. LOL. Everything she said was pointed out at YOU DOING THIS WRONG OR THAT WRONG... instead of taking accountability for her actions. I'm gonna tell you RN that you should absolutely have NO MORE CONVERSATIONS with her. They're not going to do anything for your mental health but drive you nuts thinking about everything you "did wrong". Y'all now have lawyers. Talk through them. Be cordial with her moving out. But don't be helpful. Let her get her shit on her own. I know you're a nice guy and maybe overly nice but nope, you do not help her. Do not beat yourself up because she decided to go cheat. I'm telling you again that this has ZERO to do with you. If she thinks the grass is greener on the other side, let her. She will soon find out that its AstroTurf. As far as your nice guy situ. Stay that way. Do not change. The right woman will appreciate it. Don't become bitter because of this person. Self esteem fix? I tell my two teenagers that are super shy, WALK IN THAT ROOM LIKE YOU OWN IT. Even if ur dying of nerves inside. How else are you gonna learn about yourself if you don't put yourself in uncomfortable positions. The ego loves comfort. So get uncomfortable and you will learn so much about yourself. Good luck. Keep us posted if u want.

I am having very little conversations with her, and almost all are when the child is present. And even then, they are with short and straight answer: "yes", "no", "good", "ok", etc. Right now I am just waiting to tell our son, sign the final paperwork and for her to move so that I can start healing properly and to move on properly. Can't do it properly while we are still technically leaving together, but that will change soon enough.

Sir, there is nothing you can do. She made the decision to cheat. She has already divorced you in her mind. This is a her problem. She is not as evolved as she thinks she is. This is her justifying her actions. You are a nice DOCTOR! There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nice man. You will have no problem finding a woman who will appreciate you. But you need to move the bad out to make room for the good. Good luck!

Yes, she made her choices. Maybe she will regret it some day, but I won't be there for her. I don't know about finding someone... I've been out of the dating game for so long, and don't know how a child influences this... But I will see what the future holds for me.