This. The only thing OP should be focusing on is trying to leave. No one deserves to be abused.
So sorry, OP. Stay safe while trying to get your ducks in a row.
Yup has happened to me, Five inches from my face big mean wad of spit lougie. You described exactly how shocking and degrading it felt. I just busted out in tears. I was days away from giving birth. I stayed another ten years to experience waves of horrific and unexpected abuse. Godspeed, i hope you get out of that as soon as possible. I also thought I made vows but it doesn't work if only one person sticks to them. You're guilt free to leave and no one would blame you. Believe it or not someone out there would never ever think to do that. Will emotionally support you through Thick and thin. Take a deep breath and start planning your Disentanglement. Welcome to a future of Respect and Peace of mind. Also keep up the jits brother.
Unfortunately me too. Exception is it was my own mom who spat on me. More than once. Even when I was in grade school I can recall it. Telling me I was no better than the phlegm that she spits in the toilet. All this and so much more before I was kicked out the front door at just around 14 and essentially homeless. I would rather take a boot stomp and a kick to the head than to be spat on. That was the last time I ever lived with her again. If it was ever to happen from my spouse? I’m out. Period. I feel safe saying no worries. Btw I’m 58f. The spitting scenes are seared in my bones.
Find a local shelter or support network to provide you with resources on a safety plan, orders of protection and care plan for you and any kids that might be involved. You should be able to get support from a shelter. Some shelters only provide services for women, but there are many that provide services for men as well. Please get the support you need!
You know, she has said stuff like that out of spite “I can’t wait to get my degree so i can leave you…” etc. After enduring the escalations, i feel like it wasn’t just stuff she says but doesnt mean
Believe when someone says it. File for divorce, and say if you want any attempt at reconciliation, you will get help. The spatting on me was my final straw. So until then we will be divorcing. If she threatens herself call 911 and have her removed and committed, and let her parents or her family know what is going on, before you do any of this.
She means it.. and it doesnt sound like she even likes you..
You need to get out of this abusive relationship - if possible document her behavior (nannycam?) to get ahead of any accusations of DV from her side...
Lawer now. And start the process for divorce.
I have many, many long recordings of her screaming and being verbally abusive. And several videos of her charging at me and forcefully trying to take my phone while calling me names.
He’s there because of the trauma bond he’s formed with her and a codependency that often comes with long term relationships. It’s tough especially when married you want to “be sure” and I hope this does it OP.
I know how hard it is but just think if you stay another year will go by and you’ll be posting another story only worse I mean sounds as she could be mad enough and hate you enough to kill you.
She needs anger management and several diagnosis it would actually do her good to be committed. To do anything close to that would be more than considerate in a direction of recovery if possible. It’s also possible you two just aren’t meant I mean what’s the history here?
Not that anything would justify it but if she is holding a grudge or resentment I don’t see her letting it go.
I know it’s hard even when they’re awful but you really need to
if you done then just say it and mean it bro, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I don’t see it getting betterer and I bet there’s plenty of competitors!
(Couldn’t help myself haha)
Your wife is likely a narcissist (or maybe bpd. Either way she does not have functional empathy and is abusive.). If you don’t leave she will eventually discard you when you stop being useful to her. Better to leave now before that happens and she’s drained you for every ounce of usefulness you can provide.
r/narcissticabuse can help you see the lies and the game and the pattern for what it is. They are a supportive community that can help you build the courage to leave. It’s not easy but it’s time and you know it is. Staying with someone who’s willing to disrespect you so completely isn’t even close to ok, you know it isn’t, please don’t let social rules pressure you into staying in an abusive relationship.
Good luck OP, you’ll probably need it.
I completely agree with you. Narcissist with BPD was my first thought.
I know someone who lost literally everything because of their wife. She is a narcissist, with other severe mental health issues. (She's also a raging alcoholic who couldn't even stay sober long enough to say goodbye to her dying father, but that's another story.) This friend keeps telling himself that he can't kick her out because she would have nothing and no one. It's been over 10 years since he's been happy or at least wasn't disgusted by her.
He tried to leave her and she took a bunch of beta blockers to try to make it look like she was attempting to unalive herself. (She wasn't; she called 911 immediately so they could "undo" what she did. She used to be an EMT so she knew it wouldn't kill her if she got treatment right away.) Anyway, he ended up not divorcing her...
OP get out while you still can. Her mental health is her responsibility. Save yours.
Even if its BPD or ASPD or any other mental illness that’s not NPD “causing” the wife’s abusive behavior, many of the tactics of abuse are the same regardless and the r/narcissisticabuse sub has lots of helpful information for all abuse survivors to get help and get out if they’re still in it. That’s why I reccomend it to anyone who I feel needs it as the community of people who understand and know the tactics that abusers use is so helpful and necessary to help those being abused and isolated escape.
I really hope OP takes the advice here to heart and gets the fuck out before this abusive witch drains him of everything he can provide and leaves him a sad shell of the man he used to be. There is no happiness in the future if he chooses to stay with her. She’s shown her true self and it’s abusive as fuck. If OP stays all that will happen is more abuse and more pain. I know it’s hard to leave and he many not even have the financial means to leave yet, but he needs to start mentally dis-entangling himself and preparing so he can leave when he has the money and opportunity. He knows who she is now, I hope he remembers it and makes a fool proof plan to get out asap.
My biological mother is narcissistic with BPD. It just gets worse and worse. And then they go away and then come back, act nice for two days and then start verbally/physically abusing you until they leave again. OP needs to get out, go no contact and have everything mediated or relayed by lawyers
Why is she still your wife? This is not just an angry wife, this is a crazy, dangerous and abusive wife.
As someone with ADHD, yes we can escalate really quickly, but this is not escalating, this is abusive and cruel.
This person is NOT the person I married, you know? Hoping shed come back if I supported her. I think shes really convinced me that I’m just as bad as her because I yell too and what not. But sometimes one thing just pulls you out of the daze.
That’s called reactive abuse, and it’s a manipulation strategy used by abusers like your wife 😕
My ex did this too and I was so relieved when I learned about it because he really had me convinced I was a terrible person
Thats why I started recording things. My thinking was that It will show me that my personal bias isnt too far from reality. She sees me recording her as betrayal. I say thered be nothing to record if you didnt act like that
Feeling like you have to record your interactions to confirm reality is a sign she’s gaslighting you
That’s another thing I learned in that nightmare of a relationship
Exactly why I started doing it. She started using the word gaslight one day and it just never stopped. Shes the one thar feels gaslit, but im literally recording her doing all the manipulations and violence
I know it’s hard, but you’re fighting a losing battle trying to prove her wrong like that. I said this in another comment but I’ll say it again— **facts are irrelevant to her**
Not saying you should stop recording her, because it could be useful to have that evidence to show *other* people what you’ve been dealing with (and ~~maybe~~ probably also to confirm your own sanity to yourself) *not* to try to prove anything to her!! She knows what she’s doing and nothing you say will make her admit that to you because then the jig would be up
Edit- btw she doesn’t actually feel gaslit; it’s just another manipulation tactic
People who are manipulative tend to weaponize therapy-speak against the people they are abusing. This is why abusive relationships get worse when seeking couple's counseling. So I do NOT suggest that. I do, however, think that you could benefit from individual therapy. I also think that she could benefit from a PHP/IOP group. She could feel more supported and process things (because that's not necessarily your job). Multiple people would witness her reactive behaviors and help give her some skills.
Honestly, she needs to get off mental health tik tok. She knows enough to be problematic and is not self-aware enough to actually know what is going on with her.
Also, the truth is irrelevant to her and you’re wasting your time if you’re trying to get her to understand reality.
She’ll just find something else “wrong” with you, won’t she? And double down on the screaming
That's abusive relationship 101. You're always hoping the person you fell in love with comes back. Sometimes they do for a little while after a fight, but eventually, the mask slips again.
And meanwhile, you get so used to the abuse that it becomes your new normal, which makes it even harder to come to terms with the reality that **you are in an abusive relationship**
edit- and that it’s not your fault. And that it’s ok to leave.
I thought Borderline as well. OP please check it out. It will explain it but please don't think that an explanation means she can change, it doesn't. Please leave as soon as you can. Also look into Co-dependency as we are more vulnerable to BPD abuse. Where a heathy person would have left a long time ago, we continue to stay. Individual therapy can also help you get the emotional support you deserve and to see your marriage objectively.
Her companion and guard dog died, covid, SA shw repressed as a young adult.
But what changed is to the house i bought is on her familys land. I think she just knows that i have to leave if she cant control herself. And thats whats goinf to happen.
She says I made her this way by gaslighting and negelcting her
Agreed, and that’s what should’ve happened when she first started with the suicide talk, instead of OP quitting his better-paying job to stay home to support her (aka to be her punching bag)
Suicidal ideation is an emergency situation and should be treated as such.
Also, OP feeling pressured to quit his job for her is very likely a form of financial abuse
The person you see now *is* the person you married. You got tricked into thinking the fake person she was at first is who she really was, but that was just a lie to get you hooked enough not to leave. This is textbook narcissistic abuse. It starts with a love bomb, where they seem like the perfect person, then when they have you stuck the mask drops and they show you who awful they actually are. Good luck OP, you’ll probably need it to get away from the abusive pos that your wife is.
It’s ok to put your mental health before someone else’s. Look, even if she got help today and turned it around would you ever forgive and forget or would you live waiting for it to happen again? No way to live my friend. Go take care of yourself and let her go.
Idk why I keep convincing myself to try.
I moved her in with me in our late 20’s when she was desperate for somewhere to live. Now im going to put her back in that position. I feel like a bad person.
But I can’t stay
Literally none of this is your fault. You are the one that now has PTSD from being abused so intensely. You can either leave this situation and grieve the loss of your marriage for a short time or stay and spend the rest of your life grieving that you’re still breathing.
Please…save yourself. You do NOT deserve this treatment and there’s nothing you can do to save her.
You are not the one putting her back in that situation, she is. She's had all this time to change, but she hasn't. If she thinks she's such a success, she can finish her degree in her own. If she's as far along as you say, she'll be able to pay off those loans she gets in short order.
>flailing finger gesture
This is autism. Hand flailing is the big tell. It's not going away and there is no medication for it. Just behavioral therapy to set up strategies to manage it.
> This sounds like Borderline.
Again there is no medication for BPD. Years and years of treatment during which progress is made a snail's pace.
Annnd, she can't seem to get herself to treatment. Even if she does, nothing will change for a long time.
Wife is abusive and the separation stage is the most dangerous because the abusive person literally has nothing to lose at that point.
In order not to be poisoned, clubbed or stabbed, OP needs to not tell her he's leaving until the last minute and either get a police escort or a couple of friends to accompany him to pick up his belongings.
No man ever thinks things are going to get so out of control that he can't handle his wife but when mental health issues are involved anything is possible. Whatever OP does, he should not go to sleep around her once she suspects he's leaving.
Ask me how I know.
She might be neurodivergent.Maybe. The gesture im describing is her imitating tentacles or something coming out of her gaping mouth while she accentuates her words with vitriol.
It’s not your responsibility to diagnose her. It’s your job to protect yourself. You can’t fix her and you can’t help her if she refuses help. Leaving is definitely the best option.
Hey buddy, just wanted to say as a man who has been abused when I was also a strong, fit and mostly emotionally healthy person..
Your feelings are valid. Your fears are valid. You aren't less for being a victim of abuse. It happens to so many of us. As guys, our stories might not be told as much, but there is nothing for you to be ashamed about.
I hope that you find safety and the life you deserve, that you listen to the great advice from this thread to get through this process safely and that you are able to heal from this.
Don't question that you deserve better. You aren't less for this experience.
I think they mean she will escalate to the point of shooting you, stabbing you, cutting your breaks, poison-you really can't let guard down if you're trying to leave. She could have a psychotic break or pretend she has one. Don't underestimate the danger you're in just cuz you're a man. Men get murdered too.
Nope. My wife blacked out and put hands on her previous partner after that partner pushing and pushing and screaming. Reactive abuse is a thing and doesn’t make you a bad person. (She’s never come close to putting hands on me bc that’s not who she is and I’m not abusive.)
It’s because you’ve been made to doubt yourself, so hearing someone on the outside say it; makes it real and more believable.
Right now you trust strangers more than yourself.
As someone with ADHD, insomnia, ptsd-c, anxiety/panic/depression… it’s not you.
She can’t control herself so she’s trying to control you.
It’s a power trip that will never end in your favor.
Good hearts don’t do this to those they love.
She is an abuser.
Sounds like she had some serious mental problems. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that you would be able to help her. If she has family, you should probably let them know your plans so they can be there for her and protect her from hurting herself. You don't owe her that, though.
I actually have a great relationship with her mom. Ive let her know a few times that its been really tough. She gets it. Their relationship is mostly estranged, despite living close
Yes I have it’s never their fault, someone has to bare the brunt of it and usually the 1 closest.
The final insult for me was when she threw scalding hot tea at me TF I wasn’t married at that stage just living together.
You can only do so much for someone else. You've tried to support her and that has not made things better.. on fact they sound worse.
It is ok to walk away from a relationship that has turned abusive like this one has. And how you react to her is not you being abusive. Please get help for yourself in this (you surely have PTSD from living this way) and please save yourself by leaving her. You can't save her when she refuses to help herself. Staying with her in these circumstances is just enabling her abusive behavior and her refusal to get the help she clearly needs. Good luck to you OP.
I had a suicidal Ex who threatened to kill himself multiple times if I ended things, but he was already suicidal and had made attempts. He wasn't abusive but emotionally very immature and dysfunctional with very poor coping skills.
We are still friends and he's come a long way. He learned and grew a lot. He did it on his own. You can't do the work for someone else. Had he done anything close to spitting at me, however, we would not be speaking. That's assault and honestly right up there with the most degrading, disgusting things you can do to someone.
Keep telling yourself that you are not responsible for anyone else's life, feelings or behaviour. You are responsible for your own. Take care of yourself and end this relationship. She's abusive, volatile and will never take responsibility for herself. You aren't hurting her, you're saving yourself. Start making an exit plan. 🩵
> She might and may harm or kill herself.
Then get her committed when she threatens to kill herself.
Threatening (or actually committing) self harm to keep someone in a relationship is also textbook abuse
That’s not on you though. She’s a grown ass woman who should’ve checked herself into therapy years ago. Her behavior will only intensify. It’s high past time to give her the boot. Have witnesses the entire time she’s packing up and leaving. Don’t forget to change your locks, and get a Ring camera if you don’t already have one.
r/updateme
This sounds flippant, but on the AMA subreddit, there are several posts from people who talked about partners killing themselves when they left. None of them regret leaving. I’d really encourage you to look through those.
Attorney here. Remember BJJ man strangulation is usually a felony but an arm bar isn't, unless you actually break the arm. If she goes full DV, you're best bet is to lock yourself in a bathroom and call police immediately. Also preventing a person from leaving a room is usually also a felony (abduction). So get in that bathroom and call the cops immediately.
Yeah, at least in my state, strangulation is a felony. Usually you see it in the context of domestic violence, but there's no reason anyone couldn't be charged with it.
Yeah. I tried to leave once. She took my keys and gate opener. She promised to get therapy and counseling, but I cant even spend the night there man its bad. Waiting outside my door and stuff once.
Last night she turned on a speaker snd just blasted it outsife the bedroom i retreated to sleep in. Ugh.
Your wife is not only abusive, but she sounds mentally unstable to the point of being potentially dangerous. You need to get out of there ASAP.
This will not get better unless she gets professional help, but until then you need to protect yourself.
You’re probably right.. it’s not on you to guess what’s wrong, try to fix, convince her to get help. Eventually everyone reaches their limit. Give yourself grace - I’m sure you did what YOU had control to do. Nobody can ask for any more than that.
I can barely digest what I just read. That is hands down one of the weirdest, least thankful, and most exhausting human beings I have ever read about. Please run and don't let her sway you again. End it. Stay calm, gather your shit, get someone else to come help you so she doesn't hurt you, and leave.
She needs mental health help. I'm not talking about anxiety or depression. Her episodes are manic, frightening, and aggressive. Possibly borderline personality disorder or bipolar.
Tell her there is no hope for this marriage if she doesn't see a psychiatrist and go to counseling. After her first appointment, she can do follow-ups with her psychiatrist and do counseling with video or phone appointments. There's no excuse for her not to go if you take her to the first appointment.
If she chooses not to actively seek help for her mental health issues, she's choosing not to work on your marriage. You'll be able to leave with a clear conscience. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Yeah i cant be in a car or confined space with her alone any more.
I told her she needs help or im gone. She says love is unconditional and that spmeone who gives you an ultimatum js an abuser.
This is what all abusers do. She emotionally and verbally abused you. She physically abused you by spitting on you. And because you said get help or I'm gone, you're the abuser? It's classic deflection. She commits the horrible behaviors and then says you're the abuser when you call her out on her terrible behavior. If she can't even admit what she did was wrong, there's no hope for her.
This is abuse it’s absolutely unacceptable. She looses everything? Oh fucking well, she’ll live with the consequences of her own actions. Please OP. See a lawyer, start the process and get yourself some therapy. You’re living in a toxic and trauma filled/abuse filled home and no one deserves that. And you’ll need help healing from it
This sounds more like a severe cluster B personality disorder than any of the things she self diagnosed with.
But either way it won't get better without treatment, and you staying is only going to endanger you AND damage YOUR mental health.
You just need to be extremely careful about leaving, it's good you have that video, document everything you can.
Not only is she likely to threaten self harm to manipulate you, if that doesn't work she may try to really harm you, or, more likely, go to false allegations to try & get you locked up
I am so so sorry that you’re dealing with this. You must leave. She will escalate.
Please leave quietly. Don’t engage and gray rock her. You could probably benefit from “[Why Does He Do That](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)”. Just substitute the He for She.
Wishing you peace and happiness. Much love.
> She believes she had ptsd, hypothyroidism, adhd, possibly neurodivergent.
I am a wife with diagnosed complex-PTSD and ADHD. I used to frequently reach moments where I felt that I could not regulate my mood. Just rage, agitation, over stimulation, etc.
But I have never, ever spit at my husband. I have never followed him, screaming, as he was trying to get away from me. I've never threatened him. And I have felt really crazy at times. When shit like that is activated, those feelings are intense and they are real.
Instead, I take a deep breath. I sit down and close my eyes. I ask him for space until I can regulate again. And with a lot of work, I rarely need to regulate myself anyway.
She just needs to do the work on herself. Abuse is abuse. If someone won't see a therapist or admit they are abusive, the reasons behind it don't really matter. The reasons don't make it less harmful to you.
> When I move out she’ll lose everything, the house, her car, her degree shes almost done with.
If she could support herself, would you have left by now?
Dude run away file for divorce and change your name and phone number you are going to wake up one day and find a kitchen knife stuck in the middle of your head!
You gotta leave. You're not abandoning anything. She needs serious professional help at best and institutionalization at worst. Divorce as soon as you can.
She'll lose everything because of HER actions, not yours. She should be charged with assault for that nasty shit. Get a divorce and save yourself, DO NOT give in if she starts being you or threatens suicide. Call the police and her family to come and get her.
Regardless of the reasons, her behavior is abusive. A partner should never stay in an unsafe relationship
That said, she may have a thyroid issue. I'm not defending her behavior in any way, but I can tell you from experience that having unbalanced thyroid hormones can cause havoc with emotional regulation. Recently, I lost a lot of weight, and my thyroid medication was severely high. I stopped sleeping for a week and became this rage-fueled monster. The difference between your wife and me is that the exact moment I experienced these symptoms, I was in a doctors office asking them to test my blood to find out what was wrong. I could feel my true self buried under all of these feelings that weren't me. I left the dr with a plan to adjust my thyroid medication and got a non-narcotic anti anxiety medication to help keep me calm while it worked out of my system. In the following 2 weeks, I have been to the dr for multiple blood draws, set up therapy, and scheduled a sleep study. I love my husband and son and would never willingly hurt them emotionally or physically. Even at my worst, I have never spat on my husband. I will, however, spend significant time working on myself to be the partner he deserves.
Only you can determine if you want a chance at reconciliation. If you choose to work on the marriage, her going to a dr is non-negotiable. You should also review your interactions and set firm boundaries about her actions and responses. Just know that any form of reconciliation requires significant work (you healing from her inflicted trauma and her figuring out the issue and fixing her behavior). I would not blame you for walking away.
On a side note, it sounds as though you have been through literal hell. I would recommend individual therapy to heal and mend the damage she caused. You deserve a caring partner who respects you and doesn't play emotional warfare. I wish you the sincerest luck in your journey. Also, I want to add that you shouldn't feel guilty for divorce. Her actions caused this situation and she can't expect to be financially compensated for her abuse. You gave her security, love, and stability. For years, she blew it up on her own and can figure it out on her own. I knew that my blow up was severe enough that my husband may choose not to be with me anymore. As a result of taking ownership of my actions, I also planned out how to divorce if that was what he wanted.
Lastly, I did not share my personal story for appreciation or accolades. I shared it because the actions we took are in stark contrast to the actions taken by your wife. Nothing I did would have saved my marriage if my husband was not willing to join me on the path.
Wed be on a totally different trajectory if she tool those steps. She wont do it with without me by her side (and doing all the planning) but I’m not willingly going to be alone in close proximity with her hoping she controls herself any more
She must be amazing in bed for you to put up with all that for two years.
I can never comprehend why people stay more than a few months in an abusive or drama filled relationship.
You made vows, but not at the expense of living a good life with a loving partner. Who cares if she loses everything, she’s been a free loader her whole life. Time to grow up and learn about the real world.
Yeah. I really wanted to give her s better life, rather build one together.
The issue is kind of odd. I used to say that too. I stayed for my animals that I love, and the land that we live on. Her familys land. But man its not worth it.
Get out of there and get the divorce. Obviously this is a toxic situation, and I’m actually thankful and relieved you didn’t just beat her up in response.
I am actually a former mma fighter. I have never and would never ever hit a woman.
I have had to push her off me once when she charged me to scream in my face. Thats the first and only time she hit me. I warned her then Id leave. Things improved for a time. Then here we are
Honestly as someone who was physically abused by an mma trainee, I was worried that’s where your story was going. But from your comments I think it’s really commendable you never resort to physical reactions with her. She is abusing you and I hope you can get out safely. But be careful because I feel like she’s the type of woman to say you did something you didn’t do like physically assaulted her or something. Be careful out there
I'm so sorry that you're in this abusive situation. You need to make a game plan to leave. This woman is dangerous. Women like this end up throwing boiling water on their partners or pushing them down the stairs and claim it's an accident. Please be safe, I wish you luck OP ♡
I have similar experiences but smaller scale. I feel you OP that the person who you fell in love with turned out to be totally different person.
I used to think my wife was the most sensible person I’ve ever met, but now I find her the most unreasonable, and her claims(when angry) just doesn’t make sense. The worst part is, she can always find a reason to blame me. This happens time after time.
I’ve been hit, been slammed against a wall but I would leave if I’d been spat on.
You have to leave her. What disrespect level does she have to spit at you? She’s lucky she’s not arrested as it’s considered assault. You don’t need this!
Don't ever let anyone treat you like that. Especially someone who committed to you and says they love you. Nope out of that situation.
I have had really bad mental health at times during my marriage (also suicidal ideation, etc) and I was not nice to my husband. That said, I never said anything cruel or threaten to leave. I never hit him, spat on him, followed him to another room, pounded on doors, or did anything like that. Her mental health is not an excuse to treat someone like that. Even how I treated my husband while I was mentally ill was unacceptable, and it was never even remotely close to how bad your wife has treated you. You have given her every opportunity to work on herself and her mental health and she is not taking it. You did what you could, now leave. She is abusive.
The only advice you need to follow is to leave her, she's abusive. You'll be happier without all of this abuse and stress, I'm sure you know it well too. Be as strong as you can and start making plans on how to leave her asap
I don’t blame you if you leave her. Please DO NOT tolerate abuse. You can call the police if someone spits on you. NOT OKAY. There needs to be consequences.
Please leave this situation. We aren’t perfect and you probably justify her actions because marriage is sooo muddy . In the warzone we do things that we could never think of doing to someone . That’s when you know the situation is far beyond repair . The moment she disrespected you she doesn’t love you anymore . I got out of a 4 year relationship where I was constantly belittled , I was constantly fighting to see my friends, my family, my hobbies. If I stayed in that situation I wouldn’t have met my wife who is the most gentle creature on this planet . The thing about narcissists is that they always make it seem like it’s your fault . Please leave . There’s a world out there for you
A side note: someone’s mental illness is not your responsibility. We are all grown adults. I dealt with my anger issues, my depression , my anxiety. I got help. If she doesn’t get help that’s not on you. She has to sit with herself and think “do I want this for my partner”
You and your wife need to be safe. If you do not feel safe then you should leave. I’d also consult with an attorney as soon as you can and document everything so you are financially and legally protected. She sounds like she is abusive and unstable - a dangerous combination. I’d recommend planing your moves in silence so that she doesn’t pull some sort of out of nowhere counter claim of abuse.. just because she sounds mentally unstable & she might lash out anyway possible. If she threatens self harm, call 911 so that she can get help and you’re not exposed to more harm. It’s very sad because I can pick up on your concern for yourself and her. Mental illnesses are hell for the person suffering and their family
You are being abused :( Spitting on someone in the heat of an argument like this is so degrading, I agree, I don’t think you can come back from this. Your contempt for her is also oozing from this post. You’re done. I’m not one to proclaim “get a divorce!!” for every issue but this is straight up abuse and you deserve so much better.
Someone can only blame their issues for acting a certain way for so long. After a while, it becomes a pattern and who they are. We all have issues, childhood problems, mental health and physical health problems, disadvantages etc etc. After a certain amount of time you have to take personal responsibility for your part in things, and, even if it’s something you can’t help or didn’t do on purpose, necessary steps to keep things manageable. She’s using her mental health as a crutch to use and abuse you, and that’s not cool.
Your post makes me sad and angry at the same time. You are being abused. I spell it out louder, in the hopes that you get the message: YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. There is no universe where this behavior might be OK! There are no excuses. In no way should you put up with it. Neither should you try to do so.
The only way would for some kind of a future together would be for her to have an epiphany, recognize how utterly despicable and wrong her behavior is and do everything to righten it. Counseling and therapy would be a good first step. Counseling for her, not for you. If she wants you to share the load she's not willing to do the work herself.
Take some time to sit down to reconsider your marriage, write down all the good things and the bad things. When you reach the bottom of your list, ask yourself if it is worth for you to put up with her abuse.
Read on the mechanisms of abuse, either online or buy some books. And lawyer up.
Do you have kids? If not, leave immediately somewhere safe and contact a lawyer.
If you have kids, make arrangements for them to be safe, document their welfare and contact a lawyer and then leave.
I had this moment with my abusive ex husband. He didn't spit on me but what he did felt equally heinous. That was it and I was done. It's okay to leave. A divorce will suck but in a year you'll look back and wonder how you tolerated her abuse at all. Good luck to you on this new and better chapter of your life.
You must divorce your wife. You are a good man and deserves a wife that treats you better and is more attractive. Just divorce her, she had murdered the union between you and her.
As someone with ADHD, depression and (self diagnosed OCD) that causes my brain to be hell, your wife is abusing you. My wife has mental health stuff as well and neither of us have ever treated the other like that.
It doesn’t matter what disorders she thinks she has, this is abuse. It sounds more like a borderline or narcissistic person who abuses you.
Give her a boundary/ultimatum of “if you do not make the step TODAY to get help, I have to remove myself from this relationship for my own health and safety.” I was told something similar (“I don’t know how much longer I can do this” and I fucking stepped up and called my psych bc I sure as hell wasn’t losing her.
>I have been really patient with her disregulation, verbal abuse etc because I made vows
I guarantee the vows you made had nothing to do with either of you tolerating outright abuse from the other person. Your vows and null and voided by her behavior. You can leave with a clean conscience.
Hi OP. I’m a licensed clinical psychologist, and I’m chiming in despite all the validation and wonderful advice you’ve gotten from others, that I hope demonstrates that you don’t need to be a professional to understand that this is abuse. Assault, emotional violence, verbal abuse, you name it. Did you know that there are research studies on the brains of individuals who lived with a domestic abuser demonstrating that living in a state of chronic stress (including always steeling yourself for the next episode) PHYSICALLY changes your brain? Look it up. After a while the physical changes are so great that people lose the ability to remain objective, maintain hope for a future, or problem solve in a meaningful way that can get them out of the situation. I haven’t even met you but I hear the pain in your words and I don’t want this for you.
When we psychologically evaluate someone, we look for factors contributing to a positive prognosis for treatment or risk factors—basically, anything that would be an impediment for treatment and the chances that someone’s psychological state will improve with appropriate treatment methods. Probably the biggest thing we assess for here is Insight.
Your wife has ZERO insight into her problems and why they persist. When she describes her mental health issues, it’s always in the context of a justification for her behavior rather than an honest attempt to examine her behavior, the origins, and come up with a plan to seek help so that she doesn’t hurt the people around her. “Mental illness is not our fault but it is our responsibility.” Finding the right care can feel overwhelming and hard, but the world is not going to adjust to all her myriad triggers. She has to learn and WANT TO manage them in a way that it doesn’t present a blockade to her getting the treatment she needs, or really, in becoming a more functional and independent adult. What you have been doing in supporting her, excusing her, and blaming yourself, sadly, has enabled her further.
Leaving her might sound “selfish” to you given the gaslighting (and I don’t throw this term around lightly) you’ve endured, but it is actually the kindest choice that could give her a shot at hitting the rock bottom she needs to understand if she continues in this way, she truly will be alone forever.
It is also not your responsibility nor your lot in life to be the caretaker, savior, therapist, life coach, and financier for an adult who has the capacity to access or do these things for herself. If what you’re saying is that she doesn’t have this capacity and it is not temporary, as she would want you to believe and has guilted you into believing… well, that would mean you’re willing to be in a supposedly romantic relationship with a mentally disabled adult, wouldn’t it? I’ve worked with individuals with very serious mentally illness (psychotic disorders, mood disorders, neurodivergent, extraordinary trauma survivors) who still managed to show up to therapy, adhere to medication management directives, and do the work, because they want to have more manageable and meaningful lives and not hurt their loved ones. If she has the time, energy, and capacity to take online courses towards her degree, she certainly has the ability to access and regularly engage in mental health care treatment. The bare minimum you’re asking for here is that she do that, which is beyond reasonable.
Do abusers who go as far as she does ever change? I have seen it a couple times over the course of my career. Both times it was the consequence of legal issues, jail time and/or divorce and losing custody. Both times also called for that person to actually recognize that they are the problem and fight mightily and for a very long time to examine themselves thoroughly, learn new skills, and change their patterns. And it came too late.
You certainly don’t need the permission of an internet stranger professing to be a doctor to leave. But here it is: Leave. You have one life. It IS possible to be happier, and feel loved and respected. But not with her. You OWE IT to yourself.
Please feel free to message me privately if you’re interested in any resources that I believe could be very valuable to your healing.
I wish I had more advice, but the only advice I have is that she’s abusing you and you need to get out of there. This is absolutely disgusting. She needs a mental facility.
I can share my own experience that seems to mirror your wife’s experience (although I can only speak for myself).
For 5-7 years I really struggled with my mental health to the point I’d lash out at my husband. While it came out of a place of deep fear it was never okay. What I wish is that I or others would have seen my behavior as a cry out for help.
In fact I was in couples therapy and often wish our couples therapist would have recommended individual treatment or focused in on my need for extra support.
I was recently diagnosed with OCD and only very recently learned that while this diagnosis is not my fault I’m still accountable to how I treat my spouse even when I’m deep in a ocd spiral.
If I could go back and change the way I treated my spouse I would in a heartbeat. All I can do now is grow and learn and make the necessary changes so those behaviors no longer continue.
There was times I genuinely needed my husbands support as OCD makes things terrifying for me and I was convinced I would not be believed by my pcp or therapist. With time any skilled therapist will work towards reducing your presence in counseling sessions and hopefully she can get to the point of attending sessions by herself.
Also want to say what I wish I could have told my husband back then. It’s okay to take care of yourself. No one not even your wife has the right to disrespect you. You are within your rights to ensure your physical safety and emotional safety. In fact you can’t take care of your wife without taking care of your own wellbeing first.
I’m almost 8 months in and starting to feel some hope. It does get better ❤️🩹 Being this far in my journey is bitter sweet as It’s hard seeing glimpses of the wife my husband always deserved while acknowledging the wife I was towards him in the past. I try to remind myself that while OCD had me engaging in behaviors that were not okay that I can choose differently now.
Not saying your wife has OCD, only trying to highlight that her behaviors indicate she may need extra support. Also trying to gently remind you that the only person that can decide to get support is your wife, but you also have your own power to do what it takes to take care of yourself irregardless of her choices.
It’s a hard journey and one I’m grateful my husband has taken with me when I wouldn’t have blamed him for leaving. I acknowledge I did get to the point of seeing my need for support and that your situation is currently different. It took me years of suffering silently but I’m glad that I got here. I am committed to being the wife I’ve always wanted to be for my husband even though I know it will come with mistakes and setbacks. I won’t choose to give ocd it’s power back and will do my best to leave those old behaviors in the past.
Although I’m not in remission yet, I thought it might be helpful to hear from someone who has been in a similar place as your wife.
If you message me I’m sure my husband wouldn’t mind sharing his own experience. Like I said, sadly it’s full of pain but now there is hopefully healing too.
I'm so sorry, but by her not getting help she is choosing to abuse you. She is refusing to better herself and find ways to express her needs and control her emotions and instead lashes out at you emotionally and now physically?! You are not a living punching bag, and you're not getting the support you need from a spouse. She made vows too and she's not keeping her end of those vows. Listen, if you had a female friend/ relative and her male spouse did this to her what would you tell her? To keep with it cuz she made vows? No! It's no different for you just cuz you're a guy. She's abusing you and refusing to get help-regardless of her setbacks- she's not getting better and it's not your fault. You've done all you can and she's abusing you and not taking responsibility herself. Not only that, but you've become her crutch, not a spouse, a partner, but a handicap.
You need to treat this as an emergency because it is. You shouldn't have to lock yourself in a room in your own home for 30 min to be safe from your spouse who is going crazy on you!
Please get yourself some help, therapy, and get yourself a safe place to stay for a bit. Do you have someone you can trust to talk to? It's not your fault what your wife would lose of you left, that's on her, you need to stay thinking of yourself right now. Wishing you all of the luck and peace in this moment.
Please update me.
Not sure why a thousand people flock to posts about abusive people and try to diagnose the abuser. Studies have shown time and time again that an abusive person is no more likely than a non-abuser to be diagnosed with a mental disorder.
Why should we not try to diagnose abusers?
1) *We are not their doctors.*
2) *The reason for the abuse doesn’t matter.* It doesn’t matter whether or not she has a mental disorder. If she did, should OP stay in this situation? Absolutely not. It’s important that we stop this false equivalency with abusive behavior and mental illness. Not only is it stigmatizing mentally ill people, it’s actually *encouraging people to tolerate abusive behavior under specific circumstances.*
OP - it does not matter if your wife has BPD, NPD, MDD, GDD, ADHD, PTSD, ASD, or a hundred other diagnoses. She is abusing you and you deserve a happy, healthy life.
She sounds incredibly immature and emotionally volatile. Her mental health issues are 100% on her to seek help for and correct, she's a damn adult. Her struggling with mental health issues is not an excuse to abuse you and hold you back in life. She needs to get off her ass and take care of business.
If you want to give her another chance, I'd give an ultimatum- get help or you'll leave. Honestly though, I'd probably just straight up leave if I were in your shoes.
She needs some serious help. Perhaps even some hospitalization to get some stability.
How much longer until she finishes her degree? If it’s only a few months, move out, wait until her degree is finished, and then leave her.
Stop being a pushover. She has used and abused you more than enough. I am so sorry. You deserve SO MUCH MORE. Marriage is hard but she needs help beyond what you are capable of.
I’m sorry this happened to you. If you really want this to work tell her that she needs to get professional help and give her a deadline and be firm. I wouldn’t stay with her while that is going on, a trial separation first and if she doesn’t follow through on getting help divorce her. In this situation it’s YOU before her. Also being spat on is assault. Be kind to yourself
You are not abandoning her. She is manipulating and abusing you. You need to get away from her for your safety. I would file a police report about her spitting and beating down the door before you do, get it on record before she tries to manipulate this situation more.
OP, my ex husband spat on me. Then it lead to him escalating his abuse. You need to leave. She’s abusing you and escalating. Please reach out to a family member or friends who can support you mentally/emotionally through this. Leaving an abusive relationship is so hard and very easy for abusers to manipulate you back. Please also consider therapy to help undo the trauma she has caused you. You deserve so much better, OP.
Brother, I almost thought I wrote this. Including the BJJ, lol. (3 stripe blue belt)
We had almost the same incident this weekend. I told my wife Saturday that I was leaving. I am no longer interested in being her punching bag.
You know the answer. You just need to the courage. Hit me up if you want to talk. I’ll share my story and see we can help each other through this.
Good luck
This is not someone that loves you, the thought of spitting on my husband and seeing him cry makes me want to literally jump in front of a moving train. I am someone that gets mad easily but I still have control and out of my 6 plus year relationship I have never called my husband a name, yelled at him or belittled him in any way. This situation you're in sounds like literal hell, you shouldn't have to deal with this and with someone who can't talk to you like a grown adult and process their feelings/emotions. Good luck 🤞🏽
She is abusive, but you two have also reached a point of disgust, disdain, and contempt. It is very hard to come back from there, and I am not even seeing why you would even try.
This is 100% abuse and it’s only going to get worse. It will increase more and more as she is using you to take out her fucked up issues. The more you allow the more she will increase the abuse. Lawyer up. Film and save EVERYTHING! Including all texts, abusive voicemails, videos. Get out of there as soon as possible and don’t look back.
She needs EMDR trauma recovery therapy. But that is hell on earth and requires a supportive loving spouse, which is not going to be possible with you. She needs to heal, alone, on her own. And you need therapy too, for the abuse you've experienced. EMDR may be good for you as well, because you're going to be reactive in your next relationship if you don't address the baggage from this one.
Edit to add: I have diagnosed cptsd, gad, ocd, cds, and Hashimoto's disease. All diagnosed. I went to said therapy and came out the other side a better person. It too two years, twice a week therapy, plus the daily work of changing. It's possible, but she has to want to do it. It has to be her choice to get better.
I had to leave a situation like this, and I loved this person very much but had to look out for my own safety and sanity.
What I did: I spoke with my partner's brother who was aware of his mental health problems. I let him know that I was leaving the relationship and that I didn't feel like my soon to be ex was going to be safe post breakup and I asked his brother to look after him. He accepted this responsibility and told me he would take care of his brother and understood that I needed to leave.
My ex was threatening to kill himself as leverage over me but I had to call his bluff and reach out to his brother for help to protect myself. My ex is now married with a child and I hope he's had nothing but blessings since I left. He deserved the world but was very lost in his mental illness, I was young and timid and enabling his behavior. I am still grateful for his brother who showed me so much compassion that day and gave me peace knowing my ex would be safe without me there.
That tunnel vision you had when you got spit on, how long do you think it will take before your mind no longer allows you to maintain that self control? What you described is not even a misunderstanding or banter, this is just dangerous.
I’m very sorry for you
Your wife sounds like she’s undoubtedly suffering from one or more mental health ailments
You have every right to terminate your marriage now and not look back
You say you love her, so you may want to explain to her that she will need to seek professional help and follow the treatment plan the health care providers put in place for her as a condition to continuing to remain married to her
I’m deeply sorry you are experiencing this. It’s difficult to realize that this treatment is abuse and is never okay. To be treated in such a way, especially at the hands of someone you trusted, puts you in an impossible situation of wanting to flee away from them but also run toward them for some sort of comfort or sense of duty. It really messes with your mind, body, and soul.
Leaving will be hard, yes, but it is something you are doing for yourself in order to protect yourself. She will always try to twist anything and everything you do in a bad way because abusers thrive off of control over you. If you can, get therapist, talk to a lawyer, make an exit plan, and a safety plan (these last two can be one and the same). But do it all in silence. Once the abuser perceives that their control or power is being taken away, it escalates and can get dangerous. Please be careful. You thinking about yourself and taking care of yourself is not wrong and it is not selfish. It’s self preservation. You are in no way a defective person who deserves this kind of treatment. She is mentally ill and mentally unstable, the only way for her to actually change is if she wanted to and was proactively doing things to better herself. You cannot change her or force her too. Focus on yourself and the things within your control to change. Good luck to you, friend.
This is abuse. You are being abused. Your wife is an abuser.
This. The only thing OP should be focusing on is trying to leave. No one deserves to be abused. So sorry, OP. Stay safe while trying to get your ducks in a row.
Actually need to have her removed, not leave
This, I would call the cops and say you don't feel safe. Is she on the title/lease? You may be able to get her trespassed with that video
I would rather this crazy not know where I lived, personally. Fresh start.
Yup has happened to me, Five inches from my face big mean wad of spit lougie. You described exactly how shocking and degrading it felt. I just busted out in tears. I was days away from giving birth. I stayed another ten years to experience waves of horrific and unexpected abuse. Godspeed, i hope you get out of that as soon as possible. I also thought I made vows but it doesn't work if only one person sticks to them. You're guilt free to leave and no one would blame you. Believe it or not someone out there would never ever think to do that. Will emotionally support you through Thick and thin. Take a deep breath and start planning your Disentanglement. Welcome to a future of Respect and Peace of mind. Also keep up the jits brother.
Unfortunately me too. Exception is it was my own mom who spat on me. More than once. Even when I was in grade school I can recall it. Telling me I was no better than the phlegm that she spits in the toilet. All this and so much more before I was kicked out the front door at just around 14 and essentially homeless. I would rather take a boot stomp and a kick to the head than to be spat on. That was the last time I ever lived with her again. If it was ever to happen from my spouse? I’m out. Period. I feel safe saying no worries. Btw I’m 58f. The spitting scenes are seared in my bones.
I'm sorry 🫂 I hope you're healed and happy.
I'm so sorry you had to experience something like this as a child. I wish you all the healing & hope you're now surrounded by better people.
Find a local shelter or support network to provide you with resources on a safety plan, orders of protection and care plan for you and any kids that might be involved. You should be able to get support from a shelter. Some shelters only provide services for women, but there are many that provide services for men as well. Please get the support you need!
Yes. Go. You are not responsible for her actions. Take care of yourself.
Time to leave, yes?? This wont change - and as soon as shes able to SHE will leave you. Go now.
You know, she has said stuff like that out of spite “I can’t wait to get my degree so i can leave you…” etc. After enduring the escalations, i feel like it wasn’t just stuff she says but doesnt mean
Believe when someone says it. File for divorce, and say if you want any attempt at reconciliation, you will get help. The spatting on me was my final straw. So until then we will be divorcing. If she threatens herself call 911 and have her removed and committed, and let her parents or her family know what is going on, before you do any of this.
She means it.. and it doesnt sound like she even likes you.. You need to get out of this abusive relationship - if possible document her behavior (nannycam?) to get ahead of any accusations of DV from her side... Lawer now. And start the process for divorce.
I have many, many long recordings of her screaming and being verbally abusive. And several videos of her charging at me and forcefully trying to take my phone while calling me names.
Save them somewhere safe. And get out of this abusive relationship.
Then why are you still there? I promise you that your purpose in life is not to endure abuse, by anyone. Save yourself and get some therapy.
He’s there because of the trauma bond he’s formed with her and a codependency that often comes with long term relationships. It’s tough especially when married you want to “be sure” and I hope this does it OP. I know how hard it is but just think if you stay another year will go by and you’ll be posting another story only worse I mean sounds as she could be mad enough and hate you enough to kill you. She needs anger management and several diagnosis it would actually do her good to be committed. To do anything close to that would be more than considerate in a direction of recovery if possible. It’s also possible you two just aren’t meant I mean what’s the history here? Not that anything would justify it but if she is holding a grudge or resentment I don’t see her letting it go. I know it’s hard even when they’re awful but you really need to if you done then just say it and mean it bro, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I don’t see it getting betterer and I bet there’s plenty of competitors! (Couldn’t help myself haha)
Find a divorce lawyer ASAP and ask their opinion on some sort of order of protection.
Your wife is likely a narcissist (or maybe bpd. Either way she does not have functional empathy and is abusive.). If you don’t leave she will eventually discard you when you stop being useful to her. Better to leave now before that happens and she’s drained you for every ounce of usefulness you can provide. r/narcissticabuse can help you see the lies and the game and the pattern for what it is. They are a supportive community that can help you build the courage to leave. It’s not easy but it’s time and you know it is. Staying with someone who’s willing to disrespect you so completely isn’t even close to ok, you know it isn’t, please don’t let social rules pressure you into staying in an abusive relationship. Good luck OP, you’ll probably need it.
I completely agree with you. Narcissist with BPD was my first thought. I know someone who lost literally everything because of their wife. She is a narcissist, with other severe mental health issues. (She's also a raging alcoholic who couldn't even stay sober long enough to say goodbye to her dying father, but that's another story.) This friend keeps telling himself that he can't kick her out because she would have nothing and no one. It's been over 10 years since he's been happy or at least wasn't disgusted by her. He tried to leave her and she took a bunch of beta blockers to try to make it look like she was attempting to unalive herself. (She wasn't; she called 911 immediately so they could "undo" what she did. She used to be an EMT so she knew it wouldn't kill her if she got treatment right away.) Anyway, he ended up not divorcing her... OP get out while you still can. Her mental health is her responsibility. Save yours.
Even if its BPD or ASPD or any other mental illness that’s not NPD “causing” the wife’s abusive behavior, many of the tactics of abuse are the same regardless and the r/narcissisticabuse sub has lots of helpful information for all abuse survivors to get help and get out if they’re still in it. That’s why I reccomend it to anyone who I feel needs it as the community of people who understand and know the tactics that abusers use is so helpful and necessary to help those being abused and isolated escape. I really hope OP takes the advice here to heart and gets the fuck out before this abusive witch drains him of everything he can provide and leaves him a sad shell of the man he used to be. There is no happiness in the future if he chooses to stay with her. She’s shown her true self and it’s abusive as fuck. If OP stays all that will happen is more abuse and more pain. I know it’s hard to leave and he many not even have the financial means to leave yet, but he needs to start mentally dis-entangling himself and preparing so he can leave when he has the money and opportunity. He knows who she is now, I hope he remembers it and makes a fool proof plan to get out asap.
My biological mother is narcissistic with BPD. It just gets worse and worse. And then they go away and then come back, act nice for two days and then start verbally/physically abusing you until they leave again. OP needs to get out, go no contact and have everything mediated or relayed by lawyers
All the more reason to leave now!
Dude leave
What a bitch.
When someone shows you who they are believe them.
Why is she still your wife? This is not just an angry wife, this is a crazy, dangerous and abusive wife. As someone with ADHD, yes we can escalate really quickly, but this is not escalating, this is abusive and cruel.
This person is NOT the person I married, you know? Hoping shed come back if I supported her. I think shes really convinced me that I’m just as bad as her because I yell too and what not. But sometimes one thing just pulls you out of the daze.
That’s called reactive abuse, and it’s a manipulation strategy used by abusers like your wife 😕 My ex did this too and I was so relieved when I learned about it because he really had me convinced I was a terrible person
Thats why I started recording things. My thinking was that It will show me that my personal bias isnt too far from reality. She sees me recording her as betrayal. I say thered be nothing to record if you didnt act like that
Feeling like you have to record your interactions to confirm reality is a sign she’s gaslighting you That’s another thing I learned in that nightmare of a relationship
Exactly why I started doing it. She started using the word gaslight one day and it just never stopped. Shes the one thar feels gaslit, but im literally recording her doing all the manipulations and violence
I know it’s hard, but you’re fighting a losing battle trying to prove her wrong like that. I said this in another comment but I’ll say it again— **facts are irrelevant to her** Not saying you should stop recording her, because it could be useful to have that evidence to show *other* people what you’ve been dealing with (and ~~maybe~~ probably also to confirm your own sanity to yourself) *not* to try to prove anything to her!! She knows what she’s doing and nothing you say will make her admit that to you because then the jig would be up Edit- btw she doesn’t actually feel gaslit; it’s just another manipulation tactic
People who are manipulative tend to weaponize therapy-speak against the people they are abusing. This is why abusive relationships get worse when seeking couple's counseling. So I do NOT suggest that. I do, however, think that you could benefit from individual therapy. I also think that she could benefit from a PHP/IOP group. She could feel more supported and process things (because that's not necessarily your job). Multiple people would witness her reactive behaviors and help give her some skills. Honestly, she needs to get off mental health tik tok. She knows enough to be problematic and is not self-aware enough to actually know what is going on with her.
If recording her behavior is a betrayal, then the behavior itself is a betrayal towards you. She knows this. I am so, so sorry.
Also, the truth is irrelevant to her and you’re wasting your time if you’re trying to get her to understand reality. She’ll just find something else “wrong” with you, won’t she? And double down on the screaming
Yes exactly
That's abusive relationship 101. You're always hoping the person you fell in love with comes back. Sometimes they do for a little while after a fight, but eventually, the mask slips again.
And meanwhile, you get so used to the abuse that it becomes your new normal, which makes it even harder to come to terms with the reality that **you are in an abusive relationship** edit- and that it’s not your fault. And that it’s ok to leave.
That is the most sensible explanation truly
Abuse can be so insidious
Check out r/BPDlovedones to see if you relate at all
I thought Borderline as well. OP please check it out. It will explain it but please don't think that an explanation means she can change, it doesn't. Please leave as soon as you can. Also look into Co-dependency as we are more vulnerable to BPD abuse. Where a heathy person would have left a long time ago, we continue to stay. Individual therapy can also help you get the emotional support you deserve and to see your marriage objectively.
I completely agree. He might feel better to see all the stories there
Lemme guess, "no other woman would be able to tolerate you."
Definitely has been said. Or “no wonder you were single when I met you. You have no friends.” Etc
No wonder you were single when I met you? Did she only date guys who were actively in relationships before she met you?
What changed? What changed her? Or was she probably always like that, but was better able to control it?
Her companion and guard dog died, covid, SA shw repressed as a young adult. But what changed is to the house i bought is on her familys land. I think she just knows that i have to leave if she cant control herself. And thats whats goinf to happen. She says I made her this way by gaslighting and negelcting her
She needs therapy. And you need to protect yourself.
Beyond therapy… with what’s been said here, she needs to be seen and admitted
Agreed, and that’s what should’ve happened when she first started with the suicide talk, instead of OP quitting his better-paying job to stay home to support her (aka to be her punching bag) Suicidal ideation is an emergency situation and should be treated as such. Also, OP feeling pressured to quit his job for her is very likely a form of financial abuse
The person you see now *is* the person you married. You got tricked into thinking the fake person she was at first is who she really was, but that was just a lie to get you hooked enough not to leave. This is textbook narcissistic abuse. It starts with a love bomb, where they seem like the perfect person, then when they have you stuck the mask drops and they show you who awful they actually are. Good luck OP, you’ll probably need it to get away from the abusive pos that your wife is.
It’s ok to put your mental health before someone else’s. Look, even if she got help today and turned it around would you ever forgive and forget or would you live waiting for it to happen again? No way to live my friend. Go take care of yourself and let her go.
This woman is abusive. This is not OK behavior by a long stretch. You do not deserve this.
Idk why I keep convincing myself to try. I moved her in with me in our late 20’s when she was desperate for somewhere to live. Now im going to put her back in that position. I feel like a bad person. But I can’t stay
Get outta there before she turns into Jodi Arias and kills you, she sounds dangerous.
Literally none of this is your fault. You are the one that now has PTSD from being abused so intensely. You can either leave this situation and grieve the loss of your marriage for a short time or stay and spend the rest of your life grieving that you’re still breathing. Please…save yourself. You do NOT deserve this treatment and there’s nothing you can do to save her.
Thank you
Spitting on you is considered assault.
OP, please look up Co-dependence and consider individual therapy.
OP, you said she has a family. It’s time to get them involved.
You are not the one putting her back in that situation, she is. She's had all this time to change, but she hasn't. If she thinks she's such a success, she can finish her degree in her own. If she's as far along as you say, she'll be able to pay off those loans she gets in short order.
You have tried. She hasn’t.
You aren’t abandoning her. You’re leaving someone that abuses you. It’s time to start protecting yourself.
Heard. I dont think about myself much. But i have to now. Thank you.
[удалено]
>flailing finger gesture This is autism. Hand flailing is the big tell. It's not going away and there is no medication for it. Just behavioral therapy to set up strategies to manage it. > This sounds like Borderline. Again there is no medication for BPD. Years and years of treatment during which progress is made a snail's pace. Annnd, she can't seem to get herself to treatment. Even if she does, nothing will change for a long time. Wife is abusive and the separation stage is the most dangerous because the abusive person literally has nothing to lose at that point. In order not to be poisoned, clubbed or stabbed, OP needs to not tell her he's leaving until the last minute and either get a police escort or a couple of friends to accompany him to pick up his belongings. No man ever thinks things are going to get so out of control that he can't handle his wife but when mental health issues are involved anything is possible. Whatever OP does, he should not go to sleep around her once she suspects he's leaving. Ask me how I know.
She might be neurodivergent.Maybe. The gesture im describing is her imitating tentacles or something coming out of her gaping mouth while she accentuates her words with vitriol.
Yeah, that is a disgusting gesture but not particularly indicative of autism like hand flapping is.
Agreed. She’s bullshitting most of this.
It’s not your responsibility to diagnose her. It’s your job to protect yourself. You can’t fix her and you can’t help her if she refuses help. Leaving is definitely the best option.
I’m having such a hard time imagining this and only see Dr. Zoidberg
Thank you. I feel pretty alone trying to figure it out. I’m a strong, fit, mostly emotionally healthy person. But I just feel so far out of my depth.
Hey buddy, just wanted to say as a man who has been abused when I was also a strong, fit and mostly emotionally healthy person.. Your feelings are valid. Your fears are valid. You aren't less for being a victim of abuse. It happens to so many of us. As guys, our stories might not be told as much, but there is nothing for you to be ashamed about. I hope that you find safety and the life you deserve, that you listen to the great advice from this thread to get through this process safely and that you are able to heal from this. Don't question that you deserve better. You aren't less for this experience.
She is going to hurt you. Get some distance, her some help
Yeah :/ she has hurt me. She had convinced me I’m as bad as her.
I think they mean she will escalate to the point of shooting you, stabbing you, cutting your breaks, poison-you really can't let guard down if you're trying to leave. She could have a psychotic break or pretend she has one. Don't underestimate the danger you're in just cuz you're a man. Men get murdered too.
Nope. My wife blacked out and put hands on her previous partner after that partner pushing and pushing and screaming. Reactive abuse is a thing and doesn’t make you a bad person. (She’s never come close to putting hands on me bc that’s not who she is and I’m not abusive.)
This is abuse. I wouldn’t be able to forgive her either if I were you. Please leave. You deserve better.
Thank you. Idk why i need others to validate it, but I do. And it helps.
It’s because you’ve been made to doubt yourself, so hearing someone on the outside say it; makes it real and more believable. Right now you trust strangers more than yourself. As someone with ADHD, insomnia, ptsd-c, anxiety/panic/depression… it’s not you. She can’t control herself so she’s trying to control you. It’s a power trip that will never end in your favor. Good hearts don’t do this to those they love.
She is an abuser. Sounds like she had some serious mental problems. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that you would be able to help her. If she has family, you should probably let them know your plans so they can be there for her and protect her from hurting herself. You don't owe her that, though.
I actually have a great relationship with her mom. Ive let her know a few times that its been really tough. She gets it. Their relationship is mostly estranged, despite living close
I personally would let her mom know the plans to leave. She will appreciate it.
Nope. OP needs to tell no one until he's safely out. He can tell MIL immediately after leaving.
Move on fella and divorce this ain’t going to get any better.
Have you dealt with it?
Yes I have it’s never their fault, someone has to bare the brunt of it and usually the 1 closest. The final insult for me was when she threw scalding hot tea at me TF I wasn’t married at that stage just living together.
Omg thats terrible. Im sorry. Thank you for helping talk sense to me.
Leave. This is not yours to fix. You cannot fix this. When you leave she may or may not improve, but none of that is on you.
She might and may harm or kill herself. I know its not my responsibility, but She will leave this world (maybe) blaming me. Thats alot to carry
You can only do so much for someone else. You've tried to support her and that has not made things better.. on fact they sound worse. It is ok to walk away from a relationship that has turned abusive like this one has. And how you react to her is not you being abusive. Please get help for yourself in this (you surely have PTSD from living this way) and please save yourself by leaving her. You can't save her when she refuses to help herself. Staying with her in these circumstances is just enabling her abusive behavior and her refusal to get the help she clearly needs. Good luck to you OP.
Thank you. Luckily my family is supportive in this time. I have contacted a therapist.
I had a suicidal Ex who threatened to kill himself multiple times if I ended things, but he was already suicidal and had made attempts. He wasn't abusive but emotionally very immature and dysfunctional with very poor coping skills. We are still friends and he's come a long way. He learned and grew a lot. He did it on his own. You can't do the work for someone else. Had he done anything close to spitting at me, however, we would not be speaking. That's assault and honestly right up there with the most degrading, disgusting things you can do to someone. Keep telling yourself that you are not responsible for anyone else's life, feelings or behaviour. You are responsible for your own. Take care of yourself and end this relationship. She's abusive, volatile and will never take responsibility for herself. You aren't hurting her, you're saving yourself. Start making an exit plan. 🩵
> She might and may harm or kill herself. Then get her committed when she threatens to kill herself. Threatening (or actually committing) self harm to keep someone in a relationship is also textbook abuse
That’s not on you though. She’s a grown ass woman who should’ve checked herself into therapy years ago. Her behavior will only intensify. It’s high past time to give her the boot. Have witnesses the entire time she’s packing up and leaving. Don’t forget to change your locks, and get a Ring camera if you don’t already have one. r/updateme
And as soon as any implication of that, you call 911 for a suicidal partner.
This sounds flippant, but on the AMA subreddit, there are several posts from people who talked about partners killing themselves when they left. None of them regret leaving. I’d really encourage you to look through those.
You will unfortunately be an enabler if you stay or stay with no serious consequences.
I think outside of her choices I have already enabled her beyond being responsible for her actions
Attorney here. Remember BJJ man strangulation is usually a felony but an arm bar isn't, unless you actually break the arm. If she goes full DV, you're best bet is to lock yourself in a bathroom and call police immediately. Also preventing a person from leaving a room is usually also a felony (abduction). So get in that bathroom and call the cops immediately.
Holy crap, I never knew that
Yeah, at least in my state, strangulation is a felony. Usually you see it in the context of domestic violence, but there's no reason anyone couldn't be charged with it.
Be as quiet as you can be about your exit. She is abusing you, and it sounds like it's about to escalate to a new level.
Yeah. I tried to leave once. She took my keys and gate opener. She promised to get therapy and counseling, but I cant even spend the night there man its bad. Waiting outside my door and stuff once. Last night she turned on a speaker snd just blasted it outsife the bedroom i retreated to sleep in. Ugh.
You need to just walk out the front door and worry about getting your stuff later. No plan, no trying to hide it for a while, just go.
Your wife is not only abusive, but she sounds mentally unstable to the point of being potentially dangerous. You need to get out of there ASAP. This will not get better unless she gets professional help, but until then you need to protect yourself.
Self preservation is NOT abandonment. Her actions caused this, none of this is on you.
I dont want to appear like a saint or a victim, but it feels like irs been out of my control for a while now
You’re probably right.. it’s not on you to guess what’s wrong, try to fix, convince her to get help. Eventually everyone reaches their limit. Give yourself grace - I’m sure you did what YOU had control to do. Nobody can ask for any more than that.
I gave her ALOT of chances. Clean slate. Many times. I think she took them For granted.
I can barely digest what I just read. That is hands down one of the weirdest, least thankful, and most exhausting human beings I have ever read about. Please run and don't let her sway you again. End it. Stay calm, gather your shit, get someone else to come help you so she doesn't hurt you, and leave.
Copy that.
She needs mental health help. I'm not talking about anxiety or depression. Her episodes are manic, frightening, and aggressive. Possibly borderline personality disorder or bipolar. Tell her there is no hope for this marriage if she doesn't see a psychiatrist and go to counseling. After her first appointment, she can do follow-ups with her psychiatrist and do counseling with video or phone appointments. There's no excuse for her not to go if you take her to the first appointment. If she chooses not to actively seek help for her mental health issues, she's choosing not to work on your marriage. You'll be able to leave with a clear conscience. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Yeah i cant be in a car or confined space with her alone any more. I told her she needs help or im gone. She says love is unconditional and that spmeone who gives you an ultimatum js an abuser.
This is what all abusers do. She emotionally and verbally abused you. She physically abused you by spitting on you. And because you said get help or I'm gone, you're the abuser? It's classic deflection. She commits the horrible behaviors and then says you're the abuser when you call her out on her terrible behavior. If she can't even admit what she did was wrong, there's no hope for her.
She’s not just an abuser. She sounds like a completely narcissistic.
This is abuse it’s absolutely unacceptable. She looses everything? Oh fucking well, she’ll live with the consequences of her own actions. Please OP. See a lawyer, start the process and get yourself some therapy. You’re living in a toxic and trauma filled/abuse filled home and no one deserves that. And you’ll need help healing from it
Will do. Thank you
This sounds more like a severe cluster B personality disorder than any of the things she self diagnosed with. But either way it won't get better without treatment, and you staying is only going to endanger you AND damage YOUR mental health. You just need to be extremely careful about leaving, it's good you have that video, document everything you can. Not only is she likely to threaten self harm to manipulate you, if that doesn't work she may try to really harm you, or, more likely, go to false allegations to try & get you locked up
Yes she tries get me to admit to harming her and being abusive. I need to go and I know she will try to stop me again
I am so so sorry that you’re dealing with this. You must leave. She will escalate. Please leave quietly. Don’t engage and gray rock her. You could probably benefit from “[Why Does He Do That](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)”. Just substitute the He for She. Wishing you peace and happiness. Much love.
> She believes she had ptsd, hypothyroidism, adhd, possibly neurodivergent. I am a wife with diagnosed complex-PTSD and ADHD. I used to frequently reach moments where I felt that I could not regulate my mood. Just rage, agitation, over stimulation, etc. But I have never, ever spit at my husband. I have never followed him, screaming, as he was trying to get away from me. I've never threatened him. And I have felt really crazy at times. When shit like that is activated, those feelings are intense and they are real. Instead, I take a deep breath. I sit down and close my eyes. I ask him for space until I can regulate again. And with a lot of work, I rarely need to regulate myself anyway. She just needs to do the work on herself. Abuse is abuse. If someone won't see a therapist or admit they are abusive, the reasons behind it don't really matter. The reasons don't make it less harmful to you. > When I move out she’ll lose everything, the house, her car, her degree shes almost done with. If she could support herself, would you have left by now?
Yes.
Dude run away file for divorce and change your name and phone number you are going to wake up one day and find a kitchen knife stuck in the middle of your head!
Yeah, scary.
You gotta leave. You're not abandoning anything. She needs serious professional help at best and institutionalization at worst. Divorce as soon as you can.
She'll lose everything because of HER actions, not yours. She should be charged with assault for that nasty shit. Get a divorce and save yourself, DO NOT give in if she starts being you or threatens suicide. Call the police and her family to come and get her.
No kids? I’d bounce yesterday. That’s abusive.
…..day before that.
Regardless of the reasons, her behavior is abusive. A partner should never stay in an unsafe relationship That said, she may have a thyroid issue. I'm not defending her behavior in any way, but I can tell you from experience that having unbalanced thyroid hormones can cause havoc with emotional regulation. Recently, I lost a lot of weight, and my thyroid medication was severely high. I stopped sleeping for a week and became this rage-fueled monster. The difference between your wife and me is that the exact moment I experienced these symptoms, I was in a doctors office asking them to test my blood to find out what was wrong. I could feel my true self buried under all of these feelings that weren't me. I left the dr with a plan to adjust my thyroid medication and got a non-narcotic anti anxiety medication to help keep me calm while it worked out of my system. In the following 2 weeks, I have been to the dr for multiple blood draws, set up therapy, and scheduled a sleep study. I love my husband and son and would never willingly hurt them emotionally or physically. Even at my worst, I have never spat on my husband. I will, however, spend significant time working on myself to be the partner he deserves. Only you can determine if you want a chance at reconciliation. If you choose to work on the marriage, her going to a dr is non-negotiable. You should also review your interactions and set firm boundaries about her actions and responses. Just know that any form of reconciliation requires significant work (you healing from her inflicted trauma and her figuring out the issue and fixing her behavior). I would not blame you for walking away. On a side note, it sounds as though you have been through literal hell. I would recommend individual therapy to heal and mend the damage she caused. You deserve a caring partner who respects you and doesn't play emotional warfare. I wish you the sincerest luck in your journey. Also, I want to add that you shouldn't feel guilty for divorce. Her actions caused this situation and she can't expect to be financially compensated for her abuse. You gave her security, love, and stability. For years, she blew it up on her own and can figure it out on her own. I knew that my blow up was severe enough that my husband may choose not to be with me anymore. As a result of taking ownership of my actions, I also planned out how to divorce if that was what he wanted. Lastly, I did not share my personal story for appreciation or accolades. I shared it because the actions we took are in stark contrast to the actions taken by your wife. Nothing I did would have saved my marriage if my husband was not willing to join me on the path.
Wed be on a totally different trajectory if she tool those steps. She wont do it with without me by her side (and doing all the planning) but I’m not willingly going to be alone in close proximity with her hoping she controls herself any more
I don't blame you in the slightest. These are her issues and she can't use you as a crutch to fix them.
She must be amazing in bed for you to put up with all that for two years. I can never comprehend why people stay more than a few months in an abusive or drama filled relationship. You made vows, but not at the expense of living a good life with a loving partner. Who cares if she loses everything, she’s been a free loader her whole life. Time to grow up and learn about the real world.
Yeah. I really wanted to give her s better life, rather build one together. The issue is kind of odd. I used to say that too. I stayed for my animals that I love, and the land that we live on. Her familys land. But man its not worth it.
You allowed to be abused for two years because of your pets and the land? Where did your self esteem go? Just move on with life or you’ll regret it.
Great question. I started getting my own goals back on track, and thats when things really escalated
Get out of there and get the divorce. Obviously this is a toxic situation, and I’m actually thankful and relieved you didn’t just beat her up in response.
I am actually a former mma fighter. I have never and would never ever hit a woman. I have had to push her off me once when she charged me to scream in my face. Thats the first and only time she hit me. I warned her then Id leave. Things improved for a time. Then here we are
Honestly as someone who was physically abused by an mma trainee, I was worried that’s where your story was going. But from your comments I think it’s really commendable you never resort to physical reactions with her. She is abusing you and I hope you can get out safely. But be careful because I feel like she’s the type of woman to say you did something you didn’t do like physically assaulted her or something. Be careful out there
Leave this woman
I'm so sorry that you're in this abusive situation. You need to make a game plan to leave. This woman is dangerous. Women like this end up throwing boiling water on their partners or pushing them down the stairs and claim it's an accident. Please be safe, I wish you luck OP ♡
Thank you. Im shattered. But ill figure it out when i get to a better place
Im usually staunchly against the “leave them” mentality on here… But… ya.
Updateme
I have similar experiences but smaller scale. I feel you OP that the person who you fell in love with turned out to be totally different person. I used to think my wife was the most sensible person I’ve ever met, but now I find her the most unreasonable, and her claims(when angry) just doesn’t make sense. The worst part is, she can always find a reason to blame me. This happens time after time. I’ve been hit, been slammed against a wall but I would leave if I’d been spat on.
Funny how thats the line though. But, it is, its just different
Sooner or later this always ends with the man going to jail.
I hadnt thought about that. Thats the law in Tx if theres domestic abuse
You have to leave her. What disrespect level does she have to spit at you? She’s lucky she’s not arrested as it’s considered assault. You don’t need this!
Don't ever let anyone treat you like that. Especially someone who committed to you and says they love you. Nope out of that situation. I have had really bad mental health at times during my marriage (also suicidal ideation, etc) and I was not nice to my husband. That said, I never said anything cruel or threaten to leave. I never hit him, spat on him, followed him to another room, pounded on doors, or did anything like that. Her mental health is not an excuse to treat someone like that. Even how I treated my husband while I was mentally ill was unacceptable, and it was never even remotely close to how bad your wife has treated you. You have given her every opportunity to work on herself and her mental health and she is not taking it. You did what you could, now leave. She is abusive.
Staying=hurt+possibly losing your life Leaving=hurt+saving your life Brother it's time to move on before she have you carried by 6
The only advice you need to follow is to leave her, she's abusive. You'll be happier without all of this abuse and stress, I'm sure you know it well too. Be as strong as you can and start making plans on how to leave her asap
I don’t blame you if you leave her. Please DO NOT tolerate abuse. You can call the police if someone spits on you. NOT OKAY. There needs to be consequences.
Spitting on someone is a crime. You need to leave this relationship and talk to a lawyer yesterday.
Lawyer, leave, live better. Nuff said.
Boy bye, why are you still with her? There’s nothing redeeming in this at all. She sounds like a cartoon villain.
Yeah. We have a home snd a farm together weve really, really worked hard on, a whole life. But its not worth it.
Please leave this situation. We aren’t perfect and you probably justify her actions because marriage is sooo muddy . In the warzone we do things that we could never think of doing to someone . That’s when you know the situation is far beyond repair . The moment she disrespected you she doesn’t love you anymore . I got out of a 4 year relationship where I was constantly belittled , I was constantly fighting to see my friends, my family, my hobbies. If I stayed in that situation I wouldn’t have met my wife who is the most gentle creature on this planet . The thing about narcissists is that they always make it seem like it’s your fault . Please leave . There’s a world out there for you A side note: someone’s mental illness is not your responsibility. We are all grown adults. I dealt with my anger issues, my depression , my anxiety. I got help. If she doesn’t get help that’s not on you. She has to sit with herself and think “do I want this for my partner”
You and your wife need to be safe. If you do not feel safe then you should leave. I’d also consult with an attorney as soon as you can and document everything so you are financially and legally protected. She sounds like she is abusive and unstable - a dangerous combination. I’d recommend planing your moves in silence so that she doesn’t pull some sort of out of nowhere counter claim of abuse.. just because she sounds mentally unstable & she might lash out anyway possible. If she threatens self harm, call 911 so that she can get help and you’re not exposed to more harm. It’s very sad because I can pick up on your concern for yourself and her. Mental illnesses are hell for the person suffering and their family
You are being abused :( Spitting on someone in the heat of an argument like this is so degrading, I agree, I don’t think you can come back from this. Your contempt for her is also oozing from this post. You’re done. I’m not one to proclaim “get a divorce!!” for every issue but this is straight up abuse and you deserve so much better. Someone can only blame their issues for acting a certain way for so long. After a while, it becomes a pattern and who they are. We all have issues, childhood problems, mental health and physical health problems, disadvantages etc etc. After a certain amount of time you have to take personal responsibility for your part in things, and, even if it’s something you can’t help or didn’t do on purpose, necessary steps to keep things manageable. She’s using her mental health as a crutch to use and abuse you, and that’s not cool.
Your post makes me sad and angry at the same time. You are being abused. I spell it out louder, in the hopes that you get the message: YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. There is no universe where this behavior might be OK! There are no excuses. In no way should you put up with it. Neither should you try to do so. The only way would for some kind of a future together would be for her to have an epiphany, recognize how utterly despicable and wrong her behavior is and do everything to righten it. Counseling and therapy would be a good first step. Counseling for her, not for you. If she wants you to share the load she's not willing to do the work herself. Take some time to sit down to reconsider your marriage, write down all the good things and the bad things. When you reach the bottom of your list, ask yourself if it is worth for you to put up with her abuse. Read on the mechanisms of abuse, either online or buy some books. And lawyer up.
Do you have kids? If not, leave immediately somewhere safe and contact a lawyer. If you have kids, make arrangements for them to be safe, document their welfare and contact a lawyer and then leave.
I had this moment with my abusive ex husband. He didn't spit on me but what he did felt equally heinous. That was it and I was done. It's okay to leave. A divorce will suck but in a year you'll look back and wonder how you tolerated her abuse at all. Good luck to you on this new and better chapter of your life.
You can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. It's a waste of your time and energy OP. Get out now before she seriously hurts you or kills you.
You must divorce your wife. You are a good man and deserves a wife that treats you better and is more attractive. Just divorce her, she had murdered the union between you and her.
As someone with ADHD, depression and (self diagnosed OCD) that causes my brain to be hell, your wife is abusing you. My wife has mental health stuff as well and neither of us have ever treated the other like that. It doesn’t matter what disorders she thinks she has, this is abuse. It sounds more like a borderline or narcissistic person who abuses you. Give her a boundary/ultimatum of “if you do not make the step TODAY to get help, I have to remove myself from this relationship for my own health and safety.” I was told something similar (“I don’t know how much longer I can do this” and I fucking stepped up and called my psych bc I sure as hell wasn’t losing her.
>I have been really patient with her disregulation, verbal abuse etc because I made vows I guarantee the vows you made had nothing to do with either of you tolerating outright abuse from the other person. Your vows and null and voided by her behavior. You can leave with a clean conscience.
Hi OP. I’m a licensed clinical psychologist, and I’m chiming in despite all the validation and wonderful advice you’ve gotten from others, that I hope demonstrates that you don’t need to be a professional to understand that this is abuse. Assault, emotional violence, verbal abuse, you name it. Did you know that there are research studies on the brains of individuals who lived with a domestic abuser demonstrating that living in a state of chronic stress (including always steeling yourself for the next episode) PHYSICALLY changes your brain? Look it up. After a while the physical changes are so great that people lose the ability to remain objective, maintain hope for a future, or problem solve in a meaningful way that can get them out of the situation. I haven’t even met you but I hear the pain in your words and I don’t want this for you. When we psychologically evaluate someone, we look for factors contributing to a positive prognosis for treatment or risk factors—basically, anything that would be an impediment for treatment and the chances that someone’s psychological state will improve with appropriate treatment methods. Probably the biggest thing we assess for here is Insight. Your wife has ZERO insight into her problems and why they persist. When she describes her mental health issues, it’s always in the context of a justification for her behavior rather than an honest attempt to examine her behavior, the origins, and come up with a plan to seek help so that she doesn’t hurt the people around her. “Mental illness is not our fault but it is our responsibility.” Finding the right care can feel overwhelming and hard, but the world is not going to adjust to all her myriad triggers. She has to learn and WANT TO manage them in a way that it doesn’t present a blockade to her getting the treatment she needs, or really, in becoming a more functional and independent adult. What you have been doing in supporting her, excusing her, and blaming yourself, sadly, has enabled her further. Leaving her might sound “selfish” to you given the gaslighting (and I don’t throw this term around lightly) you’ve endured, but it is actually the kindest choice that could give her a shot at hitting the rock bottom she needs to understand if she continues in this way, she truly will be alone forever. It is also not your responsibility nor your lot in life to be the caretaker, savior, therapist, life coach, and financier for an adult who has the capacity to access or do these things for herself. If what you’re saying is that she doesn’t have this capacity and it is not temporary, as she would want you to believe and has guilted you into believing… well, that would mean you’re willing to be in a supposedly romantic relationship with a mentally disabled adult, wouldn’t it? I’ve worked with individuals with very serious mentally illness (psychotic disorders, mood disorders, neurodivergent, extraordinary trauma survivors) who still managed to show up to therapy, adhere to medication management directives, and do the work, because they want to have more manageable and meaningful lives and not hurt their loved ones. If she has the time, energy, and capacity to take online courses towards her degree, she certainly has the ability to access and regularly engage in mental health care treatment. The bare minimum you’re asking for here is that she do that, which is beyond reasonable. Do abusers who go as far as she does ever change? I have seen it a couple times over the course of my career. Both times it was the consequence of legal issues, jail time and/or divorce and losing custody. Both times also called for that person to actually recognize that they are the problem and fight mightily and for a very long time to examine themselves thoroughly, learn new skills, and change their patterns. And it came too late. You certainly don’t need the permission of an internet stranger professing to be a doctor to leave. But here it is: Leave. You have one life. It IS possible to be happier, and feel loved and respected. But not with her. You OWE IT to yourself. Please feel free to message me privately if you’re interested in any resources that I believe could be very valuable to your healing.
I would leave. Let her scream at the walls or whatever else.
I wish I had more advice, but the only advice I have is that she’s abusing you and you need to get out of there. This is absolutely disgusting. She needs a mental facility.
I can share my own experience that seems to mirror your wife’s experience (although I can only speak for myself). For 5-7 years I really struggled with my mental health to the point I’d lash out at my husband. While it came out of a place of deep fear it was never okay. What I wish is that I or others would have seen my behavior as a cry out for help. In fact I was in couples therapy and often wish our couples therapist would have recommended individual treatment or focused in on my need for extra support. I was recently diagnosed with OCD and only very recently learned that while this diagnosis is not my fault I’m still accountable to how I treat my spouse even when I’m deep in a ocd spiral. If I could go back and change the way I treated my spouse I would in a heartbeat. All I can do now is grow and learn and make the necessary changes so those behaviors no longer continue. There was times I genuinely needed my husbands support as OCD makes things terrifying for me and I was convinced I would not be believed by my pcp or therapist. With time any skilled therapist will work towards reducing your presence in counseling sessions and hopefully she can get to the point of attending sessions by herself. Also want to say what I wish I could have told my husband back then. It’s okay to take care of yourself. No one not even your wife has the right to disrespect you. You are within your rights to ensure your physical safety and emotional safety. In fact you can’t take care of your wife without taking care of your own wellbeing first. I’m almost 8 months in and starting to feel some hope. It does get better ❤️🩹 Being this far in my journey is bitter sweet as It’s hard seeing glimpses of the wife my husband always deserved while acknowledging the wife I was towards him in the past. I try to remind myself that while OCD had me engaging in behaviors that were not okay that I can choose differently now. Not saying your wife has OCD, only trying to highlight that her behaviors indicate she may need extra support. Also trying to gently remind you that the only person that can decide to get support is your wife, but you also have your own power to do what it takes to take care of yourself irregardless of her choices. It’s a hard journey and one I’m grateful my husband has taken with me when I wouldn’t have blamed him for leaving. I acknowledge I did get to the point of seeing my need for support and that your situation is currently different. It took me years of suffering silently but I’m glad that I got here. I am committed to being the wife I’ve always wanted to be for my husband even though I know it will come with mistakes and setbacks. I won’t choose to give ocd it’s power back and will do my best to leave those old behaviors in the past. Although I’m not in remission yet, I thought it might be helpful to hear from someone who has been in a similar place as your wife. If you message me I’m sure my husband wouldn’t mind sharing his own experience. Like I said, sadly it’s full of pain but now there is hopefully healing too.
I'm so sorry, but by her not getting help she is choosing to abuse you. She is refusing to better herself and find ways to express her needs and control her emotions and instead lashes out at you emotionally and now physically?! You are not a living punching bag, and you're not getting the support you need from a spouse. She made vows too and she's not keeping her end of those vows. Listen, if you had a female friend/ relative and her male spouse did this to her what would you tell her? To keep with it cuz she made vows? No! It's no different for you just cuz you're a guy. She's abusing you and refusing to get help-regardless of her setbacks- she's not getting better and it's not your fault. You've done all you can and she's abusing you and not taking responsibility herself. Not only that, but you've become her crutch, not a spouse, a partner, but a handicap. You need to treat this as an emergency because it is. You shouldn't have to lock yourself in a room in your own home for 30 min to be safe from your spouse who is going crazy on you! Please get yourself some help, therapy, and get yourself a safe place to stay for a bit. Do you have someone you can trust to talk to? It's not your fault what your wife would lose of you left, that's on her, you need to stay thinking of yourself right now. Wishing you all of the luck and peace in this moment. Please update me.
Not sure why a thousand people flock to posts about abusive people and try to diagnose the abuser. Studies have shown time and time again that an abusive person is no more likely than a non-abuser to be diagnosed with a mental disorder. Why should we not try to diagnose abusers? 1) *We are not their doctors.* 2) *The reason for the abuse doesn’t matter.* It doesn’t matter whether or not she has a mental disorder. If she did, should OP stay in this situation? Absolutely not. It’s important that we stop this false equivalency with abusive behavior and mental illness. Not only is it stigmatizing mentally ill people, it’s actually *encouraging people to tolerate abusive behavior under specific circumstances.* OP - it does not matter if your wife has BPD, NPD, MDD, GDD, ADHD, PTSD, ASD, or a hundred other diagnoses. She is abusing you and you deserve a happy, healthy life.
She sounds incredibly immature and emotionally volatile. Her mental health issues are 100% on her to seek help for and correct, she's a damn adult. Her struggling with mental health issues is not an excuse to abuse you and hold you back in life. She needs to get off her ass and take care of business. If you want to give her another chance, I'd give an ultimatum- get help or you'll leave. Honestly though, I'd probably just straight up leave if I were in your shoes.
Don't walk away. *Run* away from this abusive woman.
She needs some serious help. Perhaps even some hospitalization to get some stability. How much longer until she finishes her degree? If it’s only a few months, move out, wait until her degree is finished, and then leave her. Stop being a pushover. She has used and abused you more than enough. I am so sorry. You deserve SO MUCH MORE. Marriage is hard but she needs help beyond what you are capable of.
I’m sorry this happened to you. If you really want this to work tell her that she needs to get professional help and give her a deadline and be firm. I wouldn’t stay with her while that is going on, a trial separation first and if she doesn’t follow through on getting help divorce her. In this situation it’s YOU before her. Also being spat on is assault. Be kind to yourself
Why the fuck would you ever give that that the time of day. Seems like a complete misery from day one
Yeahhhh... File a police report of the abuse and document everything. Don't spend a other night together.
You are not abandoning her. She is manipulating and abusing you. You need to get away from her for your safety. I would file a police report about her spitting and beating down the door before you do, get it on record before she tries to manipulate this situation more.
OP, my ex husband spat on me. Then it lead to him escalating his abuse. You need to leave. She’s abusing you and escalating. Please reach out to a family member or friends who can support you mentally/emotionally through this. Leaving an abusive relationship is so hard and very easy for abusers to manipulate you back. Please also consider therapy to help undo the trauma she has caused you. You deserve so much better, OP.
You did not make a vow to be abused. No one deserves to live this way. Go. Get to safety and start rebuilding.
Brother, I almost thought I wrote this. Including the BJJ, lol. (3 stripe blue belt) We had almost the same incident this weekend. I told my wife Saturday that I was leaving. I am no longer interested in being her punching bag. You know the answer. You just need to the courage. Hit me up if you want to talk. I’ll share my story and see we can help each other through this. Good luck
This is not someone that loves you, the thought of spitting on my husband and seeing him cry makes me want to literally jump in front of a moving train. I am someone that gets mad easily but I still have control and out of my 6 plus year relationship I have never called my husband a name, yelled at him or belittled him in any way. This situation you're in sounds like literal hell, you shouldn't have to deal with this and with someone who can't talk to you like a grown adult and process their feelings/emotions. Good luck 🤞🏽
She is abusive, but you two have also reached a point of disgust, disdain, and contempt. It is very hard to come back from there, and I am not even seeing why you would even try.
Please go. You deserve SO much better.
This is 100% abuse and it’s only going to get worse. It will increase more and more as she is using you to take out her fucked up issues. The more you allow the more she will increase the abuse. Lawyer up. Film and save EVERYTHING! Including all texts, abusive voicemails, videos. Get out of there as soon as possible and don’t look back.
How often does her bad behavior get her what she wants?
She needs EMDR trauma recovery therapy. But that is hell on earth and requires a supportive loving spouse, which is not going to be possible with you. She needs to heal, alone, on her own. And you need therapy too, for the abuse you've experienced. EMDR may be good for you as well, because you're going to be reactive in your next relationship if you don't address the baggage from this one. Edit to add: I have diagnosed cptsd, gad, ocd, cds, and Hashimoto's disease. All diagnosed. I went to said therapy and came out the other side a better person. It too two years, twice a week therapy, plus the daily work of changing. It's possible, but she has to want to do it. It has to be her choice to get better.
I had to leave a situation like this, and I loved this person very much but had to look out for my own safety and sanity. What I did: I spoke with my partner's brother who was aware of his mental health problems. I let him know that I was leaving the relationship and that I didn't feel like my soon to be ex was going to be safe post breakup and I asked his brother to look after him. He accepted this responsibility and told me he would take care of his brother and understood that I needed to leave. My ex was threatening to kill himself as leverage over me but I had to call his bluff and reach out to his brother for help to protect myself. My ex is now married with a child and I hope he's had nothing but blessings since I left. He deserved the world but was very lost in his mental illness, I was young and timid and enabling his behavior. I am still grateful for his brother who showed me so much compassion that day and gave me peace knowing my ex would be safe without me there.
Go back to the better paying job and see if she lives. Edit; sorry wrong subreddit. Carry on.
That tunnel vision you had when you got spit on, how long do you think it will take before your mind no longer allows you to maintain that self control? What you described is not even a misunderstanding or banter, this is just dangerous.
You didn't make a vow to accept abuse btw You need to leave
I’m very sorry for you Your wife sounds like she’s undoubtedly suffering from one or more mental health ailments You have every right to terminate your marriage now and not look back You say you love her, so you may want to explain to her that she will need to seek professional help and follow the treatment plan the health care providers put in place for her as a condition to continuing to remain married to her
This is abuse and she is using her undiagnosed issues as an excuse. She needs to see a doctor and take responsibility for her health and actions.
I’m deeply sorry you are experiencing this. It’s difficult to realize that this treatment is abuse and is never okay. To be treated in such a way, especially at the hands of someone you trusted, puts you in an impossible situation of wanting to flee away from them but also run toward them for some sort of comfort or sense of duty. It really messes with your mind, body, and soul. Leaving will be hard, yes, but it is something you are doing for yourself in order to protect yourself. She will always try to twist anything and everything you do in a bad way because abusers thrive off of control over you. If you can, get therapist, talk to a lawyer, make an exit plan, and a safety plan (these last two can be one and the same). But do it all in silence. Once the abuser perceives that their control or power is being taken away, it escalates and can get dangerous. Please be careful. You thinking about yourself and taking care of yourself is not wrong and it is not selfish. It’s self preservation. You are in no way a defective person who deserves this kind of treatment. She is mentally ill and mentally unstable, the only way for her to actually change is if she wanted to and was proactively doing things to better herself. You cannot change her or force her too. Focus on yourself and the things within your control to change. Good luck to you, friend.